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‪今天是世界末日!

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‪(外星入侵前14秒)

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‪天空會燃燒,滿滿都是蟲子

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‪拜託,到底是哪個?下定決心吧

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‪先生,我們已經警告過你別騷擾好人

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‪他們不是人,他們是蟲食

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‪我們都是蟲食

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‪有蟲!

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‪我們該怎麼辦?

10
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‪你們是要讓我當王嗎?

11
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‪我真的說中了?

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‪《罩不住總統》

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{\an8}‪復活節快樂

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{\an8}‪快...活...了

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{\an8}‪癢個不停的復活節爛褲子

16
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‪復活節到底有什麼大不了的?

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‪沒有禮物

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‪顏色又那麼娘

19
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‪而且現實中的兔子會吃自己的小孩

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‪噁心

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‪馬修,拜託你

22
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‪可以維持個一天好形象嗎?

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‪朕來了

24
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‪有人想要布達

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‪朕來了嗎?

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‪披風好看喔,爛人

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‪你是超人嗎?

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‪不會,還是蝙蝠俠?

29
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‪該死,德古拉?

30
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‪藍多卡瑞辛?

31
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‪難道穿披風的人都很帥?

32
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‪我該穿披風嗎?

33
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‪我替總統致歉,陛下

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‪他不懂這種派對該有的行為舉止

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‪妳剛才行的可是標準屈膝禮

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‪我在大學時輔修了禮節與調酒學

37
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‪就我這個美國小姐看來
‪你的王冠和飾帶真是美麗無比

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‪馬帝,他看起來就像白馬王子吧?

39
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‪希望不要太像

40
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‪菲利柏白馬王子本人

41
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‪以前會到處找女性試穿鞋子

42
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‪因為他有那種癖好

43
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‪對鏡頭笑一個

44
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‪然後再皺眉頭

45
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‪因為我不知道怎麼洗照片

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‪大家都死去哪了?

47
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‪我們應該還是基督教國家吧?

48
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‪其實我國從來就不是
‪國父崇尚自然神論...

49
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‪賽門,這些話很引人入勝

50
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‪不過你離我這對老耳朵太近了

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‪你講話的時候可以退兩步嗎?

52
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‪沒問題,湯馬斯傑弗遜...

53
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‪-地板有洞
‪-實在可悲

54
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‪白宮復活節慶典竟然搞成這樣

55
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‪80年代時,這可會是年度派對啊

56
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‪(1985年復活節快樂)

57
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‪那可不好說

58
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‪不過今天早上都沒人來做彌撒

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‪你的教堂在復活節時空無一人?

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‪都怪外星人

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‪我是李主教

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‪來自五旬節教派伯利恆火神殿

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‪暨其他別寫其他

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‪你趁我邊說邊雕看板是什麼意思

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‪通通都雕上去了

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‪你還雕得真快

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‪只要寫上帝基督教會就好

68
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‪別寫就好最後一個詞應該是教會

69
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‪這個名字還真長,主教

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‪都是雕刻匠害的

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‪聽著,外星入侵明顯就是被提

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‪也就是說地球上所有人
‪都被拋下了,而且會下地獄

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‪不過人們不喜歡聽這種話

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‪主教,如果我們是被拋下的
‪你怎麼也在這裡?

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‪我在外面養小三

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‪一位論派之美...

77
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‪戴比,可以麻煩妳後退七、八步嗎?

78
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‪...就是我們不假裝知道答案
‪甚至可能根本沒答案

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‪只有疑問和60年代的音樂

80
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‪難怪你們的信徒減少的速度

81
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‪比白馬跑衝刺賽還快

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‪人們想要的是慰藉和希望
‪而不是罪惡感和胡言亂語

83
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‪或是聽胡說八道的人提出婚姻建議

84
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‪寶寶是怎麼形成的?

85
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‪傳統宗教可能諞離了我們的新世界

86
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‪...所以上帝希望你有兩台洗碗機

87
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‪《利未記》對我上下顛倒的臉
‪有什麼說法?

88
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‪也就是說你們對我都毫無用途

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‪沒有羊群的牧羊人
‪只是把羊掛在嘴邊的人而已

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‪這樣說不公道
‪我們沒辦法和大衛競爭

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‪大衛?

92
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‪大衛是誰?

93
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‪我們可以靠友誼克服不和

94
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‪友誼是魔法

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‪艾克斯崔?你還好嗎?

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‪沒事,我正閒著呢

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‪你的頭怎麼了?

98
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‪給我一點空間

99
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‪妳跟地鐵上的歐洲人一樣

100
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‪我對地球的研究
‪包含一系列柯林奎恩單口喜劇

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‪只是...

102
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‪你的頭看起來非常怪

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‪我的物種是雌雄同體,可以嗎?

104
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‪我每年都會切換排卵或是排精...

105
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‪天啊,要來了,別看

106
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‪小丑魚也能切換性別

107
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‪要是《海底總動員》是真的

108
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‪那隻魚爸爸就會跟兒子交配

109
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‪看看氣氛好嗎?

110
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‪很抱歉打擾了,如果你想看我排卵...

111
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‪不可能有那種事,法菈,算了吧

112
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‪這是懲戒叉

113
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‪在僕人把湯上錯邊時使用

114
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‪僕人不乖,笨笨

115
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‪那又沒什麼

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‪我高中時去參加Steve-O的馬戲營

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‪他們捅了我們好多下

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‪馬修,做點貢獻,去看看蛋捲好了沒

119
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‪好吧

120
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‪我認為馬是最優雅的坐騎

121
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‪我完全同意

122
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‪我就讓他們看看蛋捲多棒

123
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‪“多莉麥迪遜在1814年
‪開始做起蛋捲

124
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‪當作集合兒童到工廠工作的方法”

125
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‪蛋捲取消了,因為那是小寶寶吃的

126
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‪歡迎參加首屆年度白宮獵蛋遊戲

127
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‪其實那個也不能做
‪因為蛋已經不存在了

128
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‪臭宅,不然那個叫什麼?

129
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‪棍棒和石頭會傷人,馬帝

130
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‪但言語也會,所以...

131
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‪拜託,是哪個蠢人負責藏蛋?

132
00:06:04,709 --> 00:06:06,501
‪不能隨便擺在一起好嗎?

133
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‪你讓我大開眼界

134
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‪一定有兩百個信徒在聽你傳教

135
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‪幫我洗腳的那個人是...

136
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‪怪人奧爾,我看到了

137
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‪這到底是怎麼回事?

138
00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:20,543
‪你如果是警察,就得表明身分

139
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‪不是,我是副總統

140
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‪這樣啊

141
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‪宗教和政府一向是密不可分

142
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‪你的講道壇...

143
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‪那個其實是國家體育館的座椅

144
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‪我是博覽會隊的終身粉絲
‪跟著他們一起搬來華盛頓特區

145
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‪真的假的?那還真不尋常

146
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‪好喔

147
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‪無論如何,那個座椅是極有力的平台

148
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‪你能告訴人們該相信什麼
‪要關心什麼議題、如何投票...

149
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‪我不能投票,我被褫奪公權了

150
00:06:45,251 --> 00:06:48,793
‪想想你和穆勒根政權合作
‪能達到什麼成就

151
00:06:48,793 --> 00:06:51,834
‪你要是做事得當
‪就能成為下一個葛理翰牧師

152
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‪我寧願繼續當大衛發雞屎泥佛就好

153
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‪你暫時還是叫“大衛”吧

154
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‪該死,傑夫
‪你為什麼偏要跟拉瑪提起那傢伙?

155
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‪因為我蠢啊,好嗎?

156
00:07:02,126 --> 00:07:05,168
‪我是靠棒球獎學金上神學院的

157
00:07:05,168 --> 00:07:08,418
‪願上帝原諒
‪但我們所知道的宗教已經玩完了

158
00:07:08,418 --> 00:07:11,293
‪英國國教還沒喔,它們與我共存亡

159
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‪身為國王,我要把任何人
‪送到英國國教的地獄都行

160
00:07:14,126 --> 00:07:15,293
‪那裡是天主教的天堂

161
00:07:15,293 --> 00:07:17,043
‪原來你有信仰啊

162
00:07:17,043 --> 00:07:20,251
‪我在水晶松超級教會賭場當過荷官

163
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‪不准作弊

164
00:07:21,376 --> 00:07:23,626
‪偷看的小朋友就要被手指插耳朵

165
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‪插很深喔

166
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‪各位女士、先生

167
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:31,001
‪很榮幸向各位介紹
‪我的好朋友大衛先知

168
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‪他要帶領各位進行傳統復活節儀式

169
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‪大家好

170
00:07:36,168 --> 00:07:38,876
‪我其實有個新預言

171
00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:41,209
‪因為上帝不久前告訴我

172
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‪在今天的獵蛋遊戲裡

173
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‪蛋會反過來獵殺我們

174
00:07:51,001 --> 00:07:52,376
‪那傢伙瘋了

175
00:07:52,376 --> 00:07:55,501
‪就連我這個差點讓小三
‪和家人相見歡的瘋子都這麼覺得

176
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‪更遠了

177
00:08:03,376 --> 00:08:04,584
‪遠爆了

178
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:06,376
‪天啊,小朋友,你們爛透了

179
00:08:06,376 --> 00:08:08,793
‪科學變態,妳把我的蛋怎麼了?

180
00:08:08,793 --> 00:08:11,209
‪沒有啊,蛋就留在你排卵的地方啊

181
00:08:11,209 --> 00:08:13,501
‪原來是妳?妳藏得真好,布朗

182
00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:15,251
‪好想和妳玩捉迷藏

183
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‪大家聽著,我找到布朗了
‪她就坐在那邊一動也不動

184
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‪等等,你把蛋拿走了?

185
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‪對,而且藏得很好

186
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‪不

187
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‪卡蒂B蛋要是沒在一小時內受精

188
00:08:25,084 --> 00:08:28,793
‪就會演化,開始攻擊、吞噬母親

189
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‪以及所有擋路的傢伙

190
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‪這是一種演化結果

191
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‪為了要消弭
‪卡蒂B曾風行一時的約炮文化

192
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‪你的蛋何時變得那麼大了?

193
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,751
‪你的未受精卵想毀掉你的人生?

194
00:08:46,751 --> 00:08:49,459
‪彼此彼此,我...

195
00:08:49,459 --> 00:08:51,626
‪要是不把那些蛋找出來毀掉

196
00:08:51,626 --> 00:08:53,959
‪它們會變得更大、更嗜血

197
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‪最後會把我們殺光

198
00:08:55,418 --> 00:08:58,459
‪所以你是說今年的獵蛋遊戲

199
00:08:58,459 --> 00:09:01,959
‪變成了獵蛋遊戲?

200
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,459
‪大概吧

201
00:09:04,459 --> 00:09:06,126
‪你重複說了兩次同樣的話

202
00:09:06,126 --> 00:09:08,418
‪你知道總共有幾顆蛋嗎?

203
00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:10,418
‪至少有一百萬顆,可能有十億顆

204
00:09:10,418 --> 00:09:11,334
‪一百顆

205
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:13,751
‪永遠都是整整一百顆

206
00:09:13,751 --> 00:09:15,959
‪馬修,你把蛋藏到哪了?

207
00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:18,626
‪我已經忘了

208
00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:22,668
‪對,它們會長出嘴巴和腳之類的

209
00:09:22,668 --> 00:09:24,709
‪它們會吃掉我們

210
00:09:26,584 --> 00:09:28,168
‪先知,可以過來一下嗎?

211
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,668
‪這一下是指影集《莫依夏》

212
00:09:29,668 --> 00:09:32,293
‪所以差不多要22分鐘,不加廣告

213
00:09:34,543 --> 00:09:36,376
‪大衛,我們就開門見山吧

214
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,293
‪我們兩個都要?那不會太多山嗎?

215
00:09:38,293 --> 00:09:40,459
‪我不是指那種山,孩子

216
00:09:40,459 --> 00:09:43,251
‪你的天降巨蟲論走運成真

217
00:09:43,251 --> 00:09:45,293
‪現在你有個不錯的組織

218
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,459
‪那些信徒巴著你說的話

219
00:09:47,459 --> 00:09:49,709
‪就像老太婆的假髮
‪巴在泰勒派瑞頭上一樣

220
00:09:49,709 --> 00:09:50,626
‪明白嗎?

221
00:09:50,626 --> 00:09:52,251
‪你為什麼那麼瞭解...

222
00:09:52,251 --> 00:09:55,459
‪每次我要競選連任時
‪他們就會逼我複習黑人文化

223
00:09:55,459 --> 00:09:57,584
‪-她準備好了
‪-我不懂這是什麼梗

224
00:09:57,584 --> 00:10:01,834
‪我要說的是,要是你的預言沒成真
‪大家可能就會失去信念

225
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,584
‪我們倆就慘了

226
00:10:03,584 --> 00:10:06,251
‪所以不要像
‪《應召女》結局一樣搞砸了

227
00:10:06,251 --> 00:10:08,001
‪我就是故意要搞砸啊

228
00:10:08,001 --> 00:10:10,376
‪當先知完全毀了我的人生

229
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:11,626
‪毀得徹底

230
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:18,876
‪六顆了

231
00:10:22,293 --> 00:10:24,209
‪-你要去哪?
‪-去找露西

232
00:10:24,209 --> 00:10:27,001
‪現在有外星人要獵殺
‪那是我們之間的默契

233
00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:30,168
‪我們來看看傑瑞米王
‪要怎麼用他的豪華叉子插蛋

234
00:10:30,168 --> 00:10:31,168
‪不對,不是那...

235
00:10:31,168 --> 00:10:32,459
‪總之你懂我的意思

236
00:10:32,459 --> 00:10:33,543
‪我懂,馬帝

237
00:10:33,543 --> 00:10:36,793
‪妳一定會很愛
‪還沒被炸沉前的英國

238
00:10:36,793 --> 00:10:38,668
‪現在那裡連愛爾蘭人都不適合居住了

239
00:10:38,668 --> 00:10:40,293
‪我一直都夢想著要去英國

240
00:10:40,293 --> 00:10:42,501
‪但我連早餐熱番茄都沒吃過

241
00:10:42,501 --> 00:10:45,126
‪你一定覺得我很平凡

242
00:10:45,126 --> 00:10:46,043
‪平凡?

243
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:48,293
‪我覺得妳獨一無二

244
00:10:49,584 --> 00:10:50,418
‪給我

245
00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:55,001
‪蛋,你怎麼了?撞到樹了嗎?

246
00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:57,668
‪-天啊
‪-我們可以去散個步嗎?

247
00:11:01,126 --> 00:11:04,001
‪我喜歡按下這個按鈕的聲音

248
00:11:04,834 --> 00:11:08,376
‪我以前常會嗑藥嗨,你會嗎?

249
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,918
‪我有一次不小心吃了媽媽的神經粉

250
00:11:10,918 --> 00:11:12,918
‪感覺很...有意思

251
00:11:12,918 --> 00:11:15,459
{\an8}‪只要我們開夜車
‪就能在早上到達賭城

252
00:11:15,459 --> 00:11:17,543
{\an8}‪拿走社會安全局的錢,全押黑色

253
00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:18,459
{\an8}‪赤字再見

254
00:11:18,459 --> 00:11:20,251
{\an8}‪飲料免費,我們不用擔心那個

255
00:11:20,251 --> 00:11:22,334
{\an8}‪有人在記錄嗎?

256
00:11:22,334 --> 00:11:26,334
‪我個人自然是偏好酒和天使粉

257
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:28,459
‪然後我就會亂說話

258
00:11:28,459 --> 00:11:30,001
‪有時候會被我說中

259
00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:32,251
‪別喝比爾寇司比的湯

260
00:11:32,251 --> 00:11:34,001
‪別喝他的湯

261
00:11:34,001 --> 00:11:36,543
‪不過我通常都說不中

262
00:11:36,543 --> 00:11:37,501
‪這不是我的頭

263
00:11:37,501 --> 00:11:38,959
‪是誰放在我的身體上的?

264
00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:40,168
‪我得把它拔掉

265
00:11:40,709 --> 00:11:41,918
‪我得找回我真正的頭

266
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,251
‪郵局偷走了我的頭

267
00:11:44,251 --> 00:11:46,084
‪然後我預言了巨蟲的事

268
00:11:46,084 --> 00:11:49,876
‪有一個禮拜還蠻爽的
‪大家會帶毒品和酒給我

269
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,834
‪不過現在我的人生
‪完全被這些事占據了

270
00:11:52,834 --> 00:11:54,959
‪就像我當初開辦
‪參議院模型火車社一樣

271
00:11:54,959 --> 00:11:58,751
‪我喜歡的是玩模型火車

272
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:01,459
‪而不是處理時刻表和點心表

273
00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:05,043
‪我有一大堆天使粉,卻沒時間嗑

274
00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:08,584
‪整天都會有人找我
‪“說點東西吧,大衛先知

275
00:12:08,584 --> 00:12:10,876
‪和我們做愛吧,大衛先知”

276
00:12:10,876 --> 00:12:13,334
‪所以我就直接引用《彩虹小馬》

277
00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:16,043
‪天使粉社群都是小馬粉

278
00:12:16,043 --> 00:12:19,168
‪七彩顏色、會說話的馬
‪一頭名叫“無序”的惡龍

279
00:12:19,168 --> 00:12:21,168
‪根本就是我們眼前的景象

280
00:12:21,168 --> 00:12:22,959
‪我懂那種吸引力

281
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:24,084
‪那種正面教誨

282
00:12:24,084 --> 00:12:27,209
‪我猜那些小馬還有鬃毛可以刷?

283
00:12:27,209 --> 00:12:28,376
‪就我看來

284
00:12:28,376 --> 00:12:32,126
‪我唯一的出路就是大大出錯
‪然後大家就不會再聽我的了

285
00:12:33,751 --> 00:12:37,001
‪大衛,接下來是什麼會攻擊我們?

286
00:12:37,001 --> 00:12:39,418
‪會是那頭剛才闖進來的熊嗎?

287
00:12:39,418 --> 00:12:41,043
‪糟糕,這個例子舉得不好

288
00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:42,084
‪那是真的嗎?

289
00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:43,918
‪不過你們懂我的意思

290
00:12:43,918 --> 00:12:46,376
‪那個大衛竟然會怕蛋

291
00:12:51,376 --> 00:12:52,501
‪這樣真不錯

292
00:12:53,043 --> 00:12:55,209
‪幾乎讓我忘了一切有多瘋...

293
00:12:57,126 --> 00:12:59,209
‪其實每天都可以是這個樣子

294
00:12:59,209 --> 00:13:00,418
‪你要唱歌了嗎?

295
00:13:00,418 --> 00:13:01,418
‪什麼?沒有

296
00:13:01,418 --> 00:13:04,543
‪你的腔調聽起來像是隨時會唱歌

297
00:13:04,543 --> 00:13:06,709
‪露西,我現在應有盡有

298
00:13:06,709 --> 00:13:08,293
‪淋浴間、房子

299
00:13:08,293 --> 00:13:10,043
‪專門拿來抱怨的美國茶

300
00:13:10,043 --> 00:13:12,793
‪那種差勁細微得難以察覺

301
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:16,501
‪但我唯一缺乏的
‪就是和我分享一切的王后

302
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:19,793
‪現在還活著的女人
‪跟妳比起來都只是螢燭之光

303
00:13:19,793 --> 00:13:20,918
‪她們的光

304
00:13:20,918 --> 00:13:23,418
‪也只會更照得妳豔光四射而已

305
00:13:23,418 --> 00:13:26,584
‪只要別燒到我的洋裝就好

306
00:13:26,584 --> 00:13:28,459
‪這套非常易燃

307
00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:33,334
‪抱歉,我不行

308
00:13:35,959 --> 00:13:38,959
‪聽說你要找王后,你意下如何?

309
00:13:45,501 --> 00:13:46,751
‪妳在這啊

310
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:49,793
‪當然啊,我一向都在我在的地方

311
00:13:49,793 --> 00:13:51,168
‪你是在暗指我什麼?

312
00:13:51,168 --> 00:13:55,084
‪聽著,艾克斯崔搞砸了
‪現在他的蛋想要吃掉大家

313
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,709
‪就像《小精靈二》一樣

314
00:13:56,709 --> 00:13:57,709
‪不過它們是蛋

315
00:13:57,709 --> 00:13:58,834
‪而且沒有吉斯摩

316
00:13:58,834 --> 00:13:59,793
‪而且也不是電影

317
00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:01,626
‪今天還真是怪事不斷

318
00:14:01,626 --> 00:14:03,293
‪-怎麼說?還有什麼事嗎?
‪-沒有

319
00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:06,376
‪你也知道復活節嘛,大家都會有點瘋

320
00:14:06,376 --> 00:14:09,918
‪總之我們現在有外星人要打了,夥伴

321
00:14:09,918 --> 00:14:11,251
‪對啊,夥伴

322
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:12,668
‪馬帝和露西

323
00:14:13,751 --> 00:14:16,001
‪-那是什麼鬼東西?
‪-就是它們,不過之前沒腳

324
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:19,084
‪我的天啊

325
00:14:19,084 --> 00:14:21,584
‪不對,是我的天再加上我的地

326
00:14:21,584 --> 00:14:22,918
‪那些蛋進化了

327
00:14:22,918 --> 00:14:24,918
‪很不幸它們現在會移動了

328
00:14:24,918 --> 00:14:26,793
‪等等,她為什麼有槍?

329
00:14:26,793 --> 00:14:29,418
‪不公平,我都只能用腳踩而已

330
00:14:30,959 --> 00:14:32,584
‪好喔,我喜歡這把

331
00:14:32,584 --> 00:14:35,376
‪她的上面有裝東東
‪但沒關係,我喜歡我這把

332
00:14:35,376 --> 00:14:36,459
‪這樣就57顆蛋了

333
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,209
‪慶幸我有要求計分了吧?

334
00:14:38,209 --> 00:14:40,501
‪我自己有計數器
‪這種東西叫做計數器

335
00:14:40,501 --> 00:14:41,793
‪我們得讓孩子躲進屋內

336
00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:42,793
‪這交給我來幫忙

337
00:14:42,793 --> 00:14:46,209
‪然後我先回家一趟
‪換套適合打獵的服裝

338
00:14:46,209 --> 00:14:48,251
‪然後絕對會來幫你們

339
00:14:49,168 --> 00:14:51,834
‪好喔,你快去吧,寶貝

340
00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:53,959
‪小露,我們開殺吧

341
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:56,501
‪因為今年復活節,變成蛋在獵殺我們

342
00:14:56,501 --> 00:15:00,126
‪什麼?不行
‪那種酷台詞應該要由我說才對

343
00:15:00,126 --> 00:15:02,251
‪這個蛋,復活節...

344
00:15:02,251 --> 00:15:03,334
‪不對,等一下

345
00:15:03,334 --> 00:15:05,626
‪獵殺蛋並不邪惡,除非...

346
00:15:05,626 --> 00:15:06,959
‪這句話根本亂七八糟

347
00:15:06,959 --> 00:15:09,459
‪該死,算了,直接出發吧

348
00:15:10,459 --> 00:15:13,626
‪沒錯,恐怕總而言之就是這樣

349
00:15:13,626 --> 00:15:17,334
‪我穿這樣顯然無法打獵
‪所以要先走了

350
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,459
‪再見,等我出去記得鎖門

351
00:15:22,334 --> 00:15:24,709
‪等等,蛋怎麼了?

352
00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:46,126
‪露西

353
00:15:46,126 --> 00:15:48,001
‪永別了,寶貝蛋蛋

354
00:15:56,334 --> 00:15:58,918
‪我要一槍二蛋

355
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:01,168
‪爽啦

356
00:16:02,084 --> 00:16:03,001
‪幹掉他

357
00:16:03,751 --> 00:16:04,834
‪這裡需要幫助

358
00:16:10,126 --> 00:16:11,918
‪謝謝你,朋友

359
00:16:18,626 --> 00:16:21,543
‪這樣夠不夠克制情緒啊,媽?

360
00:16:24,793 --> 00:16:26,168
‪妳背後有一顆

361
00:16:26,668 --> 00:16:27,584
‪我沒子彈了

362
00:16:44,126 --> 00:16:45,209
‪那邊有一顆

363
00:16:54,293 --> 00:16:57,834
‪問題是傑瑞米符合
‪我對男人的一切條件

364
00:16:57,834 --> 00:16:59,543
‪夢幻又上等

365
00:16:59,543 --> 00:17:01,834
‪“上等”這個詞很上等吧?

366
00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:03,334
‪真的要現在說這個嗎?

367
00:17:04,418 --> 00:17:05,793
‪你要就給你啦

368
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,459
‪不過我知道馬帝想要我們在一起
‪真的在一起的一起

369
00:17:09,459 --> 00:17:12,168
‪妳要在王后和第一夫人間抉擇耶

370
00:17:12,168 --> 00:17:13,626
‪好沉重的負擔喔

371
00:17:13,626 --> 00:17:16,209
‪心意是無法克制的

372
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,251
‪朋友

373
00:17:17,251 --> 00:17:20,751
‪對啊,就是愛情與職責間的兩難

374
00:17:20,751 --> 00:17:24,251
‪那一定讓妳很為難

375
00:17:28,126 --> 00:17:29,043
‪又進化了

376
00:17:36,376 --> 00:17:38,668
‪大衛教有告解嗎?

377
00:17:38,668 --> 00:17:41,501
‪你記得聖母院大火事件嗎?

378
00:17:41,501 --> 00:17:42,626
‪你能跟死者說話嗎?

379
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:46,251
‪可以的話幫我問東尼、通尼、童尼
‪他們之中是誰讓我懷孕的

380
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,251
‪上帝,祢說什麼?

381
00:17:49,043 --> 00:17:51,751
‪天啊,上帝,那也太扯了

382
00:17:51,751 --> 00:17:53,293
‪各位,上帝說...

383
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:55,501
‪上帝以後可能會不想跟你說話喔

384
00:17:55,501 --> 00:17:57,668
‪如果你繼續把祂的事情到處亂說

385
00:17:57,668 --> 00:17:59,209
‪就像《格林維爾新聞》

386
00:17:59,209 --> 00:18:01,209
‪斷章取義貼出我的照片

387
00:18:01,209 --> 00:18:03,043
‪讓我穿裙子躺棺材的樣子曝光

388
00:18:03,043 --> 00:18:05,168
‪我媽都不敢去棺材店了

389
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,959
‪上帝說撒旦要來了

390
00:18:07,959 --> 00:18:09,418
‪立刻就要來了

391
00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:11,793
‪-又來了
‪-撒旦?

392
00:18:11,793 --> 00:18:13,668
‪萬一撒旦偽裝了怎麼辦?

393
00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,209
‪你們這些白鬼哪個是撒旦?

394
00:18:15,793 --> 00:18:16,918
‪等你們看到就會知道

395
00:18:16,918 --> 00:18:19,459
‪因為撒旦有著山羊頭

396
00:18:19,459 --> 00:18:23,501
‪紅眼、尖牙、鹿角

397
00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:25,543
‪一臂是貓

398
00:18:25,543 --> 00:18:27,834
‪另一臂是鳥爪

399
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:30,334
‪一邊是鳥翅膀,一邊是蝙蝠翅膀

400
00:18:30,334 --> 00:18:31,709
‪一隻是馬腿

401
00:18:31,709 --> 00:18:33,959
‪尾巴好像是蛇?

402
00:18:34,626 --> 00:18:38,001
‪先生,那是不是有點像
‪《彩虹小馬》裡的無序?

403
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:39,459
‪糟糕,被你拆穿了

404
00:18:39,459 --> 00:18:42,376
‪看來我只好引咎下台
‪吸毒消愁了,再見

405
00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:45,626
‪那是什麼?

406
00:18:49,001 --> 00:18:51,626
‪這是在開什麼玩...

407
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,793
‪絕對就是它

408
00:18:57,668 --> 00:18:59,543
‪怎麼會還少一顆?

409
00:18:59,543 --> 00:19:01,709
‪馬帝和我在圖書館幹掉的四顆呢?

410
00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:02,751
‪那只有99顆

411
00:19:02,751 --> 00:19:05,001
‪我在廁所幹掉一顆在塗口紅的

412
00:19:05,001 --> 00:19:07,709
‪就像《小精靈二》裡面的母精靈
‪所以這樣是一百顆

413
00:19:07,709 --> 00:19:09,084
‪不對,性感蛋是我殺的

414
00:19:09,084 --> 00:19:11,543
‪我是說,塗著性感口紅的普通蛋

415
00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:20,751
‪好,所以還剩一顆蛋

416
00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:22,168
‪我們去幹掉它

417
00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:25,626
‪太遲了

418
00:19:30,543 --> 00:19:32,418
‪我的天啊

419
00:19:40,084 --> 00:19:41,501
‪陶德,快進來

420
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:46,168
‪我不想在這裡

421
00:19:49,084 --> 00:19:51,126
‪你們記得《小精靈二》的結尾嗎?

422
00:19:51,126 --> 00:19:52,418
‪馬帝,現在還提這個?

423
00:19:53,001 --> 00:19:56,001
‪他們把小精靈引到大廳噴水...

424
00:19:56,001 --> 00:19:56,918
‪暴雷啦!

425
00:19:56,918 --> 00:19:58,376
‪...然後電擊它們

426
00:19:58,376 --> 00:20:00,001
‪我們現在有電力了

427
00:20:00,001 --> 00:20:04,001
‪我們需要把那東西
‪引到林肯雕像前的大水池

428
00:20:04,001 --> 00:20:05,668
‪要怎麼引?

429
00:20:07,626 --> 00:20:09,668
‪它會追著母親跑

430
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:10,959
‪你在開什麼玩笑?

431
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:13,376
‪不行!那些台詞要由主角講才對

432
00:20:13,376 --> 00:20:16,126
‪現在還不遲
‪馬帝,快說點帥氣台詞

433
00:20:16,126 --> 00:20:17,793
‪好,兄弟們

434
00:20:17,793 --> 00:20:20,043
‪看來今天怪物是食物

435
00:20:20,043 --> 00:20:24,043
‪人類則是牙齒,各位

436
00:20:28,959 --> 00:20:32,043
‪大衛,現在立刻給我停用天使粉

437
00:20:32,043 --> 00:20:34,168
‪可是這是我最後一次機會耶

438
00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:36,626
‪讓我再吸最後一磅就好

439
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:38,959
‪以後我就永遠沒有自己的時間了

440
00:20:38,959 --> 00:20:40,959
‪大衛發雞屎泥佛

441
00:20:40,959 --> 00:20:44,001
‪你說不定真的是上帝先知

442
00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:46,376
‪在政治上,那很重要

443
00:20:46,376 --> 00:20:48,543
‪聽著,你似乎是個好人,但...

444
00:20:49,876 --> 00:20:51,334
‪藥效好像開始發作了

445
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,209
‪想想我們聯手能做出多少好事

446
00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:57,043
‪我可以立法要大家在國歌播放時起立

447
00:20:57,043 --> 00:20:59,126
‪其他時候都要跪著

448
00:20:59,126 --> 00:21:01,918
‪那些人會聽從你說的每一句話

449
00:21:01,918 --> 00:21:03,584
‪你對他們來說就像上帝

450
00:21:03,584 --> 00:21:04,501
‪不對

451
00:21:04,501 --> 00:21:07,043
‪這有可能是因為天使粉的影響,但...

452
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,084
‪我就是上帝!

453
00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:14,959
‪只有我才能阻止那東西

454
00:21:14,959 --> 00:21:18,043
‪就靠我的神力!

455
00:21:19,043 --> 00:21:19,959
‪我撞!

456
00:21:37,251 --> 00:21:38,543
‪小寶貝

457
00:21:39,626 --> 00:21:41,209
‪過來媽咪這裡

458
00:21:44,376 --> 00:21:45,668
‪快走

459
00:21:45,668 --> 00:21:47,251
‪尤菲和我有一次去義大利

460
00:21:47,251 --> 00:21:50,251
‪我們搭公車去阿瑪菲海岸時站錯邊

461
00:21:56,209 --> 00:21:57,918
‪就知道你們兩個沒辦法跑完全程

462
00:21:57,918 --> 00:22:00,001
‪我小時候太胖,所以足弓就扁了

463
00:22:03,876 --> 00:22:05,168
‪這是你做的嗎?

464
00:22:05,168 --> 00:22:06,084
‪做什麼?

465
00:22:06,084 --> 00:22:07,376
‪我們要摔下去了

466
00:22:07,376 --> 00:22:08,376
‪不!

467
00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,751
‪媽咪在這,寶貝

468
00:22:16,751 --> 00:22:19,209
‪他的朋友文斯巴瑞也在

469
00:22:21,418 --> 00:22:24,168
‪馬帝,快放進去,我們得讓前頭沾濕

470
00:22:24,168 --> 00:22:27,168
‪聽聽妳說的話
‪我要怎麼假裝沒聽到?

471
00:22:27,168 --> 00:22:29,626
‪-那你就說“我馬子也這麼說”啊
‪-我馬子也這麼說

472
00:22:38,584 --> 00:22:40,959
‪“不夠長”,我馬子也這麼說

473
00:22:45,918 --> 00:22:47,584
‪這都要怪我

474
00:22:47,584 --> 00:22:49,126
‪對不起,文斯巴瑞

475
00:22:49,126 --> 00:22:50,876
‪好,謝謝,再見

476
00:22:53,543 --> 00:22:55,043
‪原來我是這麼死的

477
00:22:55,584 --> 00:22:57,668
‪被我撞的老吉普賽人,出乎你意料吧

478
00:22:57,668 --> 00:23:00,293
‪我是你的上帝

479
00:23:00,293 --> 00:23:03,501
‪我會用我的閃電毀滅你

480
00:23:05,709 --> 00:23:06,543
‪我死了

481
00:23:09,334 --> 00:23:11,126
‪看來那招本來就不會有用

482
00:23:15,876 --> 00:23:17,293
‪這不是我的頭

483
00:23:17,293 --> 00:23:18,959
‪是誰放在我的身體上的?

484
00:23:18,959 --> 00:23:20,418
‪我得把它拔掉

485
00:23:20,418 --> 00:23:22,501
‪我得找回我真正的頭

486
00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:23,834
‪郵局偷走了我的頭

487
00:23:29,709 --> 00:23:31,751
‪天啊

488
00:23:32,376 --> 00:23:33,543
‪好好喝喔

489
00:23:33,543 --> 00:23:34,668
‪好像冰淇淋汽水

490
00:23:34,668 --> 00:23:36,584
‪我覺得像啤酒

491
00:23:36,584 --> 00:23:39,043
‪看來我們最愛什麼飲料
‪這就會是什麼味道

492
00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:41,584
‪哎唷...

493
00:23:41,584 --> 00:23:44,459
‪難怪那會被稱為“天使粉”

494
00:23:46,251 --> 00:23:47,584
‪謝謝,大家真捧場

495
00:23:47,584 --> 00:23:50,043
‪可是大衛先知死了

496
00:23:50,043 --> 00:23:52,626
‪妳要說的應該是大衛聖人吧

497
00:23:53,209 --> 00:23:54,876
‪你們需要更好的教誨

498
00:23:54,876 --> 00:23:56,418
‪現在如願以償了

499
00:23:56,418 --> 00:23:59,793
‪拉法葉廣場的大衛聖人為我們犧牲

500
00:24:00,584 --> 00:24:02,793
‪我們可能必須改變一些教會名

501
00:24:02,793 --> 00:24:04,126
‪我認識一個優秀的雕刻匠

502
00:24:04,126 --> 00:24:06,084
‪我們成功了

503
00:24:06,084 --> 00:24:07,001
‪算是吧

504
00:24:07,001 --> 00:24:09,126
‪我們在一起很不錯吧?

505
00:24:09,126 --> 00:24:10,709
‪對啊

506
00:24:10,709 --> 00:24:12,334
‪在打外星人的時候

507
00:24:12,334 --> 00:24:15,001
‪對啊,我也是那個意思

508
00:24:15,001 --> 00:24:16,751
‪可惡

509
00:24:16,751 --> 00:24:19,793
‪真是可惡,我錯過好戲了嗎?

510
00:24:19,793 --> 00:24:22,168
‪對啊,真可惜

511
00:24:22,168 --> 00:24:26,126
‪我們真的很需要
‪有人可以告訴怪物該用哪隻叉子

512
00:24:26,126 --> 00:24:29,834
‪叉子?不對,現在過11點了,要喝湯

513
00:24:29,834 --> 00:24:31,084
‪露西兒,借一步說話

514
00:24:31,084 --> 00:24:33,543
‪我的名字沒有兒,不過沒差

515
00:24:33,543 --> 00:24:34,501
‪是吧

516
00:24:34,501 --> 00:24:37,793
‪妳敢相信我竟然會吃那孬種的醋嗎?

517
00:24:37,793 --> 00:24:39,251
‪是喔,那...

518
00:24:40,334 --> 00:24:43,459
‪好喔,我得走了,我的孩子需要我

519
00:24:43,459 --> 00:24:45,418
‪等等,他們大概真的需要我

520
00:24:45,418 --> 00:24:48,793
‪我只想告訴妳,沒有被太空怪龍吃掉

521
00:24:48,793 --> 00:24:51,376
‪是我今天第二好的遭遇

522
00:24:51,376 --> 00:24:53,418
‪真的嗎?那第一好是什麼?

523
00:24:55,043 --> 00:24:56,334
‪我就知道你們辦得到

524
00:24:56,334 --> 00:24:58,876
‪我沒逃跑喔,在越南也沒有

525
00:24:58,876 --> 00:25:00,959
‪現在讓我幫幸福愛侶拍張照吧

526
00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:01,918
‪什麼?

527
00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:04,834
‪你指的當然是我和馬帝

528
00:25:04,834 --> 00:25:05,834
‪妳請便

529
00:25:08,251 --> 00:25:09,959
‪-妳有聽到嗎?
‪-有,馬帝

530
00:25:09,959 --> 00:25:11,668
‪國王說請“便”耶

531
00:25:11,668 --> 00:25:12,876
‪她懂笑點

532
00:25:15,459 --> 00:25:17,834
‪(國家座堂暨大衛教聖所)

533
00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:21,043
‪大衛聖人被撒旦吃掉之時

534
00:25:21,043 --> 00:25:22,501
‪耶穌說

535
00:25:22,501 --> 00:25:25,959
‪“你拯救了復活節,謝謝大衛”

536
00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:27,626
‪謝謝大衛

537
00:25:31,334 --> 00:25:33,334
‪大衛已死

538
00:25:33,334 --> 00:25:35,334
‪基督復生

539
00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:38,293
‪大衛和基督是朋友

540
00:25:38,293 --> 00:25:42,584
‪那是大衛告訴拉瑪的話

541
00:25:42,584 --> 00:25:45,751
‪有誼是魔法,耶穌是友誼

542
00:25:45,751 --> 00:25:48,251
‪所以耶穌是魔法

543
00:25:48,251 --> 00:25:51,793
‪祝大家衛誕節快樂

544
00:25:51,793 --> 00:25:52,918
‪衛誕節快樂

545
00:25:52,918 --> 00:25:56,251
‪只有我覺得基督教越來越怪嗎?

546
00:25:56,251 --> 00:25:58,584
‪對啊,連你這個怪人都覺得怪

547
00:25:58,584 --> 00:26:05,668
‪謝謝天使粉

548
00:26:05,668 --> 00:26:09,459
{\an8}‪(國家座堂暨大衛教聖所
‪聖所之後就沒有別的字了)

549
00:27:01,543 --> 00:27:03,459
‪字幕翻譯:韓仁耀