1
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‪今天就是世界末日!

2
00:00:12,043 --> 00:00:14,334
‪(袭击前14秒)

3
00:00:14,334 --> 00:00:17,459
‪天空会烧起来 到处都是虫子!

4
00:00:17,459 --> 00:00:19,959
‪到底是怎样 伙计?说真的

5
00:00:20,668 --> 00:00:23,584
‪先生 对你提出警告 别再骚扰好人

6
00:00:23,584 --> 00:00:26,168
‪他们不是人 他们是虫子的食物!

7
00:00:26,168 --> 00:00:28,418
‪我们都是虫子的食物!

8
00:00:32,043 --> 00:00:33,001
‪虫子!

9
00:00:36,293 --> 00:00:37,376
‪我们现在怎么办?

10
00:00:39,168 --> 00:00:40,709
‪你们要让我当你们的国王吗?

11
00:00:40,709 --> 00:00:42,501
‪我...说对了?

12
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‪穆里根

13
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{\an8}‪复活节快乐!

14
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{\an8}‪尿!喝你的尿!

15
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{\an8}‪喝你的尿!

16
00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:07,626
{\an8}‪愚蠢的复活节裤子痒死了

17
00:01:07,626 --> 00:01:09,626
‪复活节有什么大不了的?

18
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‪没有礼物

19
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‪女孩子的颜色

20
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‪还有 真实生活中的兔子
‪会吃掉它们的孩子

21
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‪真恶心!

22
00:01:16,001 --> 00:01:17,459
‪麦修 拜托

23
00:01:17,459 --> 00:01:19,959
‪你能不能试着有点格调
‪哪怕就一天?

24
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‪我到了

25
00:01:22,043 --> 00:01:24,251
‪有人想宣布

26
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,334
‪我的驾到吗?

27
00:01:25,334 --> 00:01:26,793
‪披风不错 混蛋

28
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‪你是谁 超人吗?

29
00:01:28,459 --> 00:01:30,168
‪不 等等 蝙蝠侠?

30
00:01:30,168 --> 00:01:32,001
‪该死的 德古拉?

31
00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:33,293
‪蓝多卡瑞辛?

32
00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:35,793
‪所有穿披风的人都很厉害吗?

33
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‪我应该穿披风吗?

34
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‪我很抱歉总统有些失礼 阁下

35
00:01:39,334 --> 00:01:41,501
‪他不懂得在这种派对上
‪该如何表现

36
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‪我要说 这简直是教科书式的礼仪

37
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‪我确实在内华达大学拉斯维加斯分校
‪辅修了一个礼仪和调酒学位

38
00:01:48,251 --> 00:01:52,793
‪作为美国小姐 我要说
‪您的王冠和腰带美轮美奂

39
00:01:52,793 --> 00:01:55,001
‪麦蒂 他长得像不像白马王子?

40
00:01:55,001 --> 00:01:55,918
‪希望不会

41
00:01:55,918 --> 00:01:57,918
‪真正的白马王子菲利伯特

42
00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:00,668
‪可是骑着白马到处走
‪让女人试穿鞋子

43
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‪因为那是他的癖好

44
00:02:03,418 --> 00:02:05,001
‪对着镜头笑一下!

45
00:02:05,001 --> 00:02:06,168
‪然后皱眉

46
00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:08,709
‪因为我不知道怎么拍照片

47
00:02:09,543 --> 00:02:12,001
‪大家都在哪里?

48
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:14,709
‪我们还是一个基督教国家 不是吗?

49
00:02:14,709 --> 00:02:18,084
‪其实我们从来都不是
‪开国元勋们是自然神教信徒...

50
00:02:18,084 --> 00:02:21,751
‪西蒙 这真是太不可思议了
‪但你离得太近了 我耳朵受不了

51
00:02:21,751 --> 00:02:24,459
‪你能一边倒退两步一边说话吗?

52
00:02:24,459 --> 00:02:26,084
‪当然 托马斯杰佛逊...

53
00:02:26,084 --> 00:02:27,793
‪-地板坑!
‪-太令人难过了

54
00:02:27,793 --> 00:02:31,168
‪这是白宫复活节蛋卷

55
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‪在80年代这可是一年中
‪最受人期待的派对

56
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‪(复活节快乐 1985年)

57
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‪我不知道 伙计
‪但今早的弥撒就我自己

58
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‪你在复活节这天教堂是空的吗?

59
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‪要我说 都怪外星人

60
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‪我是李主教

61
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‪来自 “五旬节派伯利恒火神庙

62
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‪还有什么 不要写

63
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‪我说话时你在凿牌子
‪是什么意思

64
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‪没全都写牌子上

65
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‪你凿得真快

66
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‪就写上帝与基督教会时期

67
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‪不 别写时期
‪最后一个词应该是教堂”

68
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,584
‪这个名字真够长的 主教

69
00:03:05,584 --> 00:03:07,793
‪这就是那个凿标牌的人的问题

70
00:03:07,793 --> 00:03:11,376
‪听着 外星人袭击显然是“升天”

71
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‪这意味着地球上的所有人
‪都被遗弃了 只能下地狱

72
00:03:15,543 --> 00:03:17,626
‪但人们不喜欢听到这种话

73
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‪主教 如果我们都被遗弃了
‪你为什么在这里?

74
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‪秘密家庭

75
00:03:23,293 --> 00:03:25,043
‪一神论的美在于...

76
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‪黛比 你能往后退个七八步吗?

77
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‪我们没有假装有全部答案
‪或者是任何答案

78
00:03:33,001 --> 00:03:35,668
‪只是60年代的问题和音乐

79
00:03:36,668 --> 00:03:39,126
‪难怪你们的粉丝数

80
00:03:39,126 --> 00:03:41,251
‪还不如百码赛跑中的白种马

81
00:03:41,251 --> 00:03:44,834
‪人们想要的是安抚和希望
‪而不是内疚之旅和胡言乱语

82
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:48,834
‪或是不知道自己在说什么的人
‪提供的建议

83
00:03:48,834 --> 00:03:51,126
‪宝宝是怎么制造的?

84
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:55,168
‪传统宗教可能与我们的新现实脱节

85
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:58,459
‪所以上帝希望你有两台洗碗机

86
00:03:58,459 --> 00:04:01,501
‪《利未记》有没有提到
‪我的脸上下颠倒?

87
00:04:01,501 --> 00:04:03,918
‪也就是说你们对我没用

88
00:04:03,918 --> 00:04:07,918
‪没有羊群的牧羊人
‪只是一个喋喋不休讨论羊的普通人

89
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‪这不公平 哥们
‪我们不能和戴夫竞争

90
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‪戴夫?

91
00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:14,001
‪谁是戴夫?

92
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:19,418
‪我们可以用友谊克服无序

93
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‪友谊是魔法

94
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:33,709
‪艾克斯崔?你没事吧?

95
00:04:33,709 --> 00:04:35,668
‪没事 就是在放松

96
00:04:35,668 --> 00:04:37,334
‪你的头怎么了?

97
00:04:37,334 --> 00:04:38,418
‪给我一点空间

98
00:04:38,418 --> 00:04:40,209
‪你就像地铁上的欧洲人

99
00:04:40,751 --> 00:04:43,626
‪我的地球研究
‪包括一堆科林奎恩的单口相声

100
00:04:43,626 --> 00:04:47,001
‪只是...看起来很奇怪

101
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‪我的物种是雌雄同体的 好吗?

102
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‪每年我都会交替排卵或者射精...

103
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‪天啊 来了!别看!

104
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‪哇

105
00:04:58,459 --> 00:05:00,584
‪小丑鱼也能改变性别

106
00:05:00,584 --> 00:05:02,543
‪要是《海底总动员》真的发生了

107
00:05:02,543 --> 00:05:04,459
‪爸爸可能会跟儿子交配

108
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‪有点眼力见

109
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‪抱歉打扰了 如果你想看我排卵...

110
00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:10,501
‪不会的 法拉 放弃吧

111
00:05:12,668 --> 00:05:14,751
‪当然 这是惩罚用的叉子

112
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‪主要用于
‪佣人在错误一面给你上了汤

113
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‪坏仆人 蠢货

114
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‪这没什么

115
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‪我高中时去了史蒂夫欧的马戏团营地

116
00:05:22,959 --> 00:05:24,209
‪他们把我们好一顿戳

117
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‪麦修 也许你应该发挥点用处
‪去看看蛋卷好了没有

118
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‪好的

119
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‪我觉得马是能骑乘的最优雅的动物

120
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‪我完全同意

121
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‪我给他们看一个蛋卷

122
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‪“多莉麦迪逊1814年发明了蛋卷

123
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:46,501
‪为了召集孩子们去工厂工作”

124
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‪蛋卷因为是为宝宝特制的
‪而被取消了

125
00:05:49,001 --> 00:05:52,918
‪欢迎来到一年一度的白宫寻蛋活动

126
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‪我们也不能做那个
‪因为世上没有蛋了

127
00:05:56,209 --> 00:05:58,751
‪那你把那个叫什么 呆子?

128
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‪说话别夹枪带棒 麦蒂

129
00:06:00,209 --> 00:06:02,959
‪恶语伤人六月寒

130
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‪拜托 哪个傻子藏的蛋?

131
00:06:04,626 --> 00:06:06,501
‪你不能把它们都放在一起

132
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‪真让我印象深刻 孩子

133
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‪你得有200个人唯你马首之瞻

134
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‪给我洗脚的人是...

135
00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:17,376
‪阿尔弗雷德扬科维奇 我看到了

136
00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:18,834
‪所以这是怎么回事?

137
00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:20,543
‪如果你是警察 你必须告诉我

138
00:06:20,543 --> 00:06:22,209
‪不 我是副总统

139
00:06:22,209 --> 00:06:23,126
‪这样啊

140
00:06:23,126 --> 00:06:26,793
‪宗教和政府就像两条死咬在一起的狗

141
00:06:26,793 --> 00:06:27,709
‪你的讲坛...

142
00:06:27,709 --> 00:06:29,834
‪其实是国家体育场的座位

143
00:06:29,834 --> 00:06:33,459
‪终生世博会的粉丝
‪他们搬去华盛顿的时候我跟着去了

144
00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:36,209
‪真的吗?这很不寻常

145
00:06:36,209 --> 00:06:37,126
‪好吧

146
00:06:37,126 --> 00:06:39,293
‪不管怎样
‪那个座位是一个强大的平台

147
00:06:39,293 --> 00:06:43,543
‪你可以告诉大家该相信什么
‪该关心什么问题 该如何投票...

148
00:06:43,543 --> 00:06:45,209
‪我不能投票 三振出局了

149
00:06:45,209 --> 00:06:48,793
‪想想你和穆里根政府能造就多少伟业

150
00:06:48,793 --> 00:06:51,834
‪如果你打对了牌
‪你可能会成为下一个比利格雷厄姆

151
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:55,209
‪我宁愿当戴维J吃屁人

152
00:06:55,209 --> 00:06:56,959
‪就叫“戴夫”吧

153
00:06:56,959 --> 00:07:00,251
‪该死 杰夫 你为什么一定要
‪告诉拉马尔那家伙的事?

154
00:07:00,251 --> 00:07:02,084
‪因为我愚蠢 好吗?

155
00:07:02,084 --> 00:07:05,168
‪我拿了篮球奖学金去念的神学院

156
00:07:05,168 --> 00:07:08,418
‪上帝原谅我
‪但我们所知的宗教已经穷途末路了

157
00:07:08,418 --> 00:07:11,293
‪圣公会教堂除外
‪只要我存在一天 它就存在

158
00:07:11,293 --> 00:07:14,126
‪身为国王
‪我可以派任何人去圣公会地狱

159
00:07:14,126 --> 00:07:15,293
‪也就是天主教天堂

160
00:07:15,293 --> 00:07:16,959
‪我不知道你有宗教信仰

161
00:07:16,959 --> 00:07:20,251
‪我曾在水晶松大教堂和赌场
‪当过发牌女孩

162
00:07:20,251 --> 00:07:21,376
‪不准作弊

163
00:07:21,376 --> 00:07:23,626
‪敢偷看 我就会用沾了口水的手指
‪戳他耳朵

164
00:07:23,626 --> 00:07:24,543
‪真的很湿哦

165
00:07:25,876 --> 00:07:27,501
‪女士们、先生们

166
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:31,001
‪我很荣幸为大家介绍
‪我的朋友先知戴夫

167
00:07:31,001 --> 00:07:33,959
‪来引导我们度过
‪这次传统的复活节赐福

168
00:07:35,001 --> 00:07:36,084
‪大家好

169
00:07:36,084 --> 00:07:38,876
‪是的 我有了新的预言

170
00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:41,209
‪因为之前 上帝告诉过我

171
00:07:41,209 --> 00:07:43,293
‪在今天的寻蛋活动上

172
00:07:43,293 --> 00:07:46,084
‪那些蛋会反过来狩猎我们

173
00:07:50,918 --> 00:07:52,376
‪那家伙疯了

174
00:07:52,376 --> 00:07:55,501
‪我差点带了我的秘密家人
‪去见我真正的家人

175
00:08:02,084 --> 00:08:03,293
‪再远一点

176
00:08:03,293 --> 00:08:04,584
‪远着呢

177
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:06,376
‪我的天啊 孩子 你真烂

178
00:08:06,376 --> 00:08:08,293
‪你对我的蛋做了什么 变态科学家?

179
00:08:08,293 --> 00:08:11,126
‪什么?不 我把它们留在树丛里
‪就是你下蛋的地方

180
00:08:11,126 --> 00:08:13,418
‪是你干的?藏得真好 布朗

181
00:08:13,418 --> 00:08:15,251
‪我喜欢和你玩捉迷藏

182
00:08:15,251 --> 00:08:18,793
‪嘿 各位 我找到布朗了!
‪她只是一堆坐在那里

183
00:08:18,793 --> 00:08:20,543
‪等等 你拿了我的蛋?

184
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,168
‪对 而且藏得很好

185
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,084
‪不!

186
00:08:23,084 --> 00:08:25,084
‪如果没在一小时内受精

187
00:08:25,084 --> 00:08:28,793
‪卡迪B星球人的蛋会变得有攻击性
‪并吃掉它们的母亲

188
00:08:28,793 --> 00:08:30,418
‪以及任何挡路的人

189
00:08:30,418 --> 00:08:32,001
‪这是一种进化策略

190
00:08:32,001 --> 00:08:35,334
‪为了遏制卡迪B星球上
‪曾盛行一时的约炮文化

191
00:08:39,668 --> 00:08:41,376
‪(老兄 你的蛋怎么变大了?)

192
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,751
‪所以 你那些未受精的卵
‪会毁了你的生活?

193
00:08:46,751 --> 00:08:49,459
‪欢迎加入组织 我...

194
00:08:49,459 --> 00:08:51,584
‪如果我们不能找到那些蛋
‪并摧毁它们

195
00:08:51,584 --> 00:08:53,876
‪它们会变得越来越大
‪越来越嗜血

196
00:08:53,876 --> 00:08:55,418
‪直到它们杀光我们所有人

197
00:08:55,418 --> 00:08:58,459
‪所以你是说这次复活节寻蛋活动

198
00:08:58,459 --> 00:09:01,959
‪要变成一次真正的复活节寻蛋活动了

199
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,418
‪我想是这样

200
00:09:04,418 --> 00:09:06,126
‪你刚才说了同样的话两次

201
00:09:06,126 --> 00:09:08,418
‪我们知道有多少颗蛋吗?

202
00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:10,418
‪至少一百万 也许十亿

203
00:09:10,418 --> 00:09:11,334
‪一百个

204
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:13,709
‪每次都是正好一百个

205
00:09:13,709 --> 00:09:15,959
‪麦修 你把它们藏在哪了?

206
00:09:16,543 --> 00:09:18,626
‪我已经忘了

207
00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:22,668
‪对!它们会长出嘴巴和脚之类的东西

208
00:09:22,668 --> 00:09:24,709
‪它们要吃了我们!

209
00:09:26,584 --> 00:09:28,168
‪我能跟先知单独聊两句吗?

210
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,626
‪聊一集《女孩莫艾莎》的

211
00:09:29,626 --> 00:09:32,293
‪22分钟无广告

212
00:09:34,543 --> 00:09:36,293
‪戴夫 我们坦白一点

213
00:09:36,293 --> 00:09:38,209
‪我们俩叫一个名?会不会很混乱?

214
00:09:38,209 --> 00:09:40,376
‪不 不是我们的名字 小子

215
00:09:40,376 --> 00:09:43,251
‪听着 你很幸运
‪那个“虫子要来了”预言被你说中了

216
00:09:43,251 --> 00:09:45,293
‪现在你有了粉丝

217
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,459
‪你的每一个字
‪那些追随者们都深信不疑

218
00:09:47,459 --> 00:09:49,709
‪就像泰勒佩里的老太太假发

219
00:09:49,709 --> 00:09:50,626
‪明白吗?

220
00:09:50,626 --> 00:09:52,251
‪你为什么知道这么多...

221
00:09:52,251 --> 00:09:55,626
‪每次我想连任的时候
‪他们都让我复习一遍黑人历史

222
00:09:55,626 --> 00:09:57,459
‪-她准备好了
‪-我没听懂这个梗

223
00:09:57,459 --> 00:10:01,793
‪我只是说 如果你的预言不再准确
‪人们就会失去信心

224
00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:03,584
‪那我们就都完了

225
00:10:03,584 --> 00:10:06,251
‪所以不要像《女友》系列结局那样
‪把这一切都毁了

226
00:10:06,251 --> 00:10:08,001
‪老兄 我想毁了它!

227
00:10:08,001 --> 00:10:10,376
‪作为先知彻底毁了我的生活!

228
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:11,626
‪彻底毁了!

229
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:18,793
‪这才六个

230
00:10:22,293 --> 00:10:24,168
‪-你要去哪里?
‪-去找露西

231
00:10:24,168 --> 00:10:27,001
‪狩猎外星人 这是我们的专长

232
00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:30,168
‪让我们看看杰里米国王用叉子戳蛋

233
00:10:30,168 --> 00:10:31,168
‪不 我不是...

234
00:10:31,168 --> 00:10:32,418
‪你懂我的意思

235
00:10:32,418 --> 00:10:33,543
‪是的 我明白 麦蒂

236
00:10:33,543 --> 00:10:36,793
‪如果英国没有融化并沉没
‪你一定会爱上这个国家的

237
00:10:36,793 --> 00:10:38,584
‪现在连爱尔兰人都不适合居住了

238
00:10:38,584 --> 00:10:40,293
‪我一直想去

239
00:10:40,293 --> 00:10:42,501
‪但我从来没吃过热早餐番茄

240
00:10:42,501 --> 00:10:45,126
‪你一定觉得我很普通

241
00:10:45,126 --> 00:10:46,043
‪普通?

242
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:48,293
‪我觉得你很特别

243
00:10:49,584 --> 00:10:50,418
‪拿来

244
00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:55,001
‪怎么了 蛋?脸砸树上了?

245
00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:57,543
‪-天啊
‪-我们能散个步吗?

246
00:11:01,043 --> 00:11:04,001
‪我喜欢按按钮时发出的声音

247
00:11:04,834 --> 00:11:08,376
‪听着 我以前总嗑药 你嗑嗨过吗?

248
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,918
‪我曾经不小心吃了妈妈的神经粉

249
00:11:10,918 --> 00:11:12,918
‪感觉很奇妙

250
00:11:12,918 --> 00:11:15,459
{\an8}‪如果我们整晚开车
‪早上就能到拉斯维加斯

251
00:11:15,459 --> 00:11:17,543
{\an8}‪从社会保障局拿钱 全都放到黑市上

252
00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:18,459
{\an8}‪再见 赤字

253
00:11:18,459 --> 00:11:20,209
{\an8}‪酒水是免费的 所以我们不用担心

254
00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:22,334
{\an8}‪这是谁写的?

255
00:11:22,334 --> 00:11:26,334
‪天啊 我喜欢盒装喝酒和PCP
‪比较天然

256
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:28,459
‪我想说什么说什么

257
00:11:28,459 --> 00:11:30,001
‪有时候我能说中

258
00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:32,209
‪别喝比尔科斯比的汤!

259
00:11:32,209 --> 00:11:34,001
‪别喝他的汤!

260
00:11:34,001 --> 00:11:36,543
‪但通常我都说不中

261
00:11:36,543 --> 00:11:37,501
‪这不是我的头!

262
00:11:37,501 --> 00:11:38,959
‪谁把这个头放在我身上的?

263
00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:40,168
‪我得把它弄掉!

264
00:11:40,709 --> 00:11:41,918
‪我得找到我真正的头!

265
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,251
‪邮局抢了我的头!

266
00:11:44,251 --> 00:11:46,084
‪然后我预言了虫子的事

267
00:11:46,084 --> 00:11:49,876
‪有那么一周我的日子过得很快活
‪人们给我带毒品和包装好的红酒

268
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,834
‪但我的生活被毁掉了

269
00:11:52,834 --> 00:11:54,959
‪就像我成立
‪参议院火车模型俱乐部的时候

270
00:11:54,959 --> 00:11:58,751
‪我喜欢模型火车的地方
‪是玩模型火车

271
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:01,459
‪而不是安排日程和零食轮换

272
00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:05,043
‪我有全世界所有的PCP
‪但却没时间吸

273
00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:08,543
‪一整天了 大家都在说
‪“说些什么 先知戴夫”

274
00:12:08,543 --> 00:12:10,876
‪“跟我们上床 先知戴夫”

275
00:12:10,876 --> 00:12:13,334
‪所以我引用了《小马宝莉》

276
00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:16,043
‪PCP社群的人都是成年男性

277
00:12:16,043 --> 00:12:19,168
‪五颜六色 会说话的马
‪有只总引起混乱的龙叫“无序”

278
00:12:19,168 --> 00:12:21,168
‪基本上就是我们看到的

279
00:12:21,168 --> 00:12:22,959
‪不 我能感受到这种吸引力

280
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:24,001
‪非常积极的信息

281
00:12:24,001 --> 00:12:27,209
‪我猜小马们有毛让你刷?

282
00:12:27,209 --> 00:12:28,376
‪在我看来

283
00:12:28,376 --> 00:12:32,126
‪我唯一的出路就是说一个错误的预言
‪让人们不再听我的

284
00:12:33,668 --> 00:12:37,001
‪嘿 戴夫 接下来什么要攻击我们?

285
00:12:37,001 --> 00:12:39,418
‪也许是刚在这里游荡的那只熊?

286
00:12:39,418 --> 00:12:41,043
‪糟糕 坏例子

287
00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:42,084
‪这是真的吗?

288
00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:43,834
‪但你们知道我的意思

289
00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:46,376
‪那个叫戴夫的家伙害怕蛋

290
00:12:51,376 --> 00:12:52,501
‪真好

291
00:12:53,043 --> 00:12:55,209
‪这几乎让我忘记了...

292
00:12:57,126 --> 00:12:59,209
‪每天都可以像这样

293
00:12:59,209 --> 00:13:00,418
‪你要唱歌吗?

294
00:13:00,418 --> 00:13:01,418
‪什么?不

295
00:13:01,418 --> 00:13:04,543
‪你的口音让你看起来总是要唱歌

296
00:13:04,543 --> 00:13:06,668
‪露西 我什么都有了

297
00:13:06,668 --> 00:13:08,209
‪能用的淋浴、屋顶

298
00:13:08,209 --> 00:13:10,001
‪可以拿来抱怨的美国茶

299
00:13:10,001 --> 00:13:12,793
‪真的很难喝

300
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:16,501
‪但我唯一缺少的是
‪与之分享这一切的皇后

301
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:19,709
‪现在存活的女人中
‪没有哪个能与相提并论

302
00:13:19,709 --> 00:13:20,918
‪如果有

303
00:13:20,918 --> 00:13:23,418
‪也只是进一步衬托了你的美

304
00:13:23,418 --> 00:13:26,543
‪只要别碰到我的裙子就行

305
00:13:26,543 --> 00:13:28,459
‪我的裙子非常易燃

306
00:13:31,959 --> 00:13:33,334
‪对不起 我不能

307
00:13:35,876 --> 00:13:38,959
‪听说你在找皇后 你觉得怎么样?

308
00:13:45,418 --> 00:13:46,751
‪嘿 你在这儿

309
00:13:47,418 --> 00:13:49,793
‪显然 我一直都在我该在的地方

310
00:13:49,793 --> 00:13:51,168
‪你在指控我什么?

311
00:13:51,168 --> 00:13:55,084
‪听着 艾克斯崔搞砸了
‪现在他的蛋想把所有人都吃了

312
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,626
‪就像《小精灵》续集

313
00:13:56,626 --> 00:13:57,626
‪但它们是蛋

314
00:13:57,626 --> 00:13:58,751
‪这里没有怪物

315
00:13:58,751 --> 00:13:59,793
‪而且这不是电影

316
00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:01,543
‪真是疯狂的一天

317
00:14:01,543 --> 00:14:03,251
‪-为什么?还有什么事?
‪-没什么

318
00:14:03,251 --> 00:14:06,376
‪你知道复活节 人们都疯疯癫癫的

319
00:14:06,376 --> 00:14:09,918
‪是的 现在我们要跟外星人
‪战斗了 搭档

320
00:14:09,918 --> 00:14:11,251
‪是的 搭档

321
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:12,668
‪麦特和露西

322
00:14:13,751 --> 00:14:16,001
‪-那是什么?
‪-那就是它们 但脚是新的

323
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:19,084
‪我的穆加特罗伊德啊

324
00:14:19,084 --> 00:14:21,584
‪不 是超越了穆加特罗伊德
‪远不止如此

325
00:14:21,584 --> 00:14:22,918
‪蛋进化了

326
00:14:22,918 --> 00:14:24,918
‪不幸的是 它们现在可以移动了

327
00:14:24,918 --> 00:14:26,793
‪嘿 等等 她从哪弄来的枪?

328
00:14:26,793 --> 00:14:29,418
‪这不公平 我只能扔东西 上脚踩

329
00:14:30,876 --> 00:14:32,543
‪我喜欢这个

330
00:14:32,543 --> 00:14:35,376
‪她那把上面有个东西
‪但没关系 我还是喜欢我这个

331
00:14:35,376 --> 00:14:36,459
‪那是57个蛋

332
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,209
‪现在你很高兴我要求计数了?

333
00:14:38,209 --> 00:14:40,501
‪我有自己的计数器 这玩意叫计数器

334
00:14:40,501 --> 00:14:41,793
‪我们得让孩子们进去

335
00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:42,793
‪我来帮忙

336
00:14:42,793 --> 00:14:46,209
‪然后我要回家
‪换上合适的粉红狩猎装

337
00:14:46,209 --> 00:14:48,251
‪再来助你们一臂之力

338
00:14:49,126 --> 00:14:51,834
‪好 你去吧 亲爱的

339
00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:53,959
‪露丝 我们行动吧

340
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:56,501
‪因为这个复活节 有蛋在追杀我们

341
00:14:56,501 --> 00:15:00,001
‪什么?不 这种很酷的台词
‪应该由我来说

342
00:15:00,001 --> 00:15:02,251
‪这些蛋 这个复活节...

343
00:15:02,251 --> 00:15:03,293
‪不 等等

344
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:05,543
‪猎杀蛋不是恶魔 除非...

345
00:15:05,543 --> 00:15:06,959
‪这根本说不通

346
00:15:06,959 --> 00:15:09,459
‪该死!算了!我们走吧!

347
00:15:10,459 --> 00:15:13,626
‪总之 就是这么个事

348
00:15:13,626 --> 00:15:17,334
‪很明显 我穿这件衣服没法打猎
‪所以我先走一步了

349
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,459
‪再见 我出去后把门锁上

350
00:15:22,209 --> 00:15:24,709
‪等等 蛋怎么了?

351
00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:46,043
‪露西!

352
00:15:46,043 --> 00:15:48,001
‪后会有期了 宝贝!

353
00:15:56,251 --> 00:15:59,334
‪我要两个荷包蛋 炸飞的那种

354
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,168
‪中奖了!

355
00:16:02,084 --> 00:16:03,001
‪干掉他!

356
00:16:03,751 --> 00:16:04,834
‪我们需要帮助!

357
00:16:10,043 --> 00:16:11,918
‪谢谢你 朋友

358
00:16:18,584 --> 00:16:21,543
‪看你还敢不敢
‪压抑我的情绪了 老妈?

359
00:16:24,793 --> 00:16:26,168
‪你后面有一只!

360
00:16:26,668 --> 00:16:27,584
‪我没子弹了

361
00:16:44,126 --> 00:16:45,418
‪那边有一个

362
00:16:54,293 --> 00:16:57,834
‪杰里米满足了我对男人的一切幻想

363
00:16:57,834 --> 00:16:59,543
‪又高级又有格调

364
00:16:59,543 --> 00:17:01,834
‪“格调”是个很有格调的词 对吧?

365
00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:03,334
‪抱歉 我们现在要谈这个?

366
00:17:04,418 --> 00:17:05,793
‪都给你!

367
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,459
‪但我知道麦蒂希望我们在一起
‪真正意义上的“一起”

368
00:17:09,459 --> 00:17:12,168
‪哇 你要在皇后
‪和第一夫人之间做选择

369
00:17:12,168 --> 00:17:13,626
‪多么沉重的负担

370
00:17:13,626 --> 00:17:16,168
‪人无法违背自己的内心

371
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:17,251
‪朋友

372
00:17:17,251 --> 00:17:20,751
‪是的 这是爱和责任之间的选择

373
00:17:20,751 --> 00:17:24,251
‪你一定很辛苦吧

374
00:17:28,084 --> 00:17:29,043
‪那是新出现的

375
00:17:36,376 --> 00:17:38,668
‪戴夫教的人会忏悔吗?

376
00:17:38,668 --> 00:17:41,501
‪因为你还记得
‪巴黎圣母院被烧毁的事吗?

377
00:17:41,501 --> 00:17:42,626
‪你能跟死人说话吗?

378
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:46,251
‪如果能的话 你能问问“三托尼组合”
‪是哪一个让我怀孕的吗?

379
00:17:47,293 --> 00:17:48,251
‪你说什么 上帝?

380
00:17:49,043 --> 00:17:51,751
‪哇 上帝 真是太疯狂了!

381
00:17:51,751 --> 00:17:53,293
‪各位 上帝说...

382
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:55,418
‪如果你继续把上帝的事

383
00:17:55,418 --> 00:17:57,668
‪弄得人尽皆知 孩子
‪他可能不会再跟你说话了

384
00:17:57,668 --> 00:17:59,126
‪就像《格林维尔新闻》

385
00:17:59,126 --> 00:18:01,209
‪刊登了我那些被断章取义的照片

386
00:18:01,209 --> 00:18:03,043
‪穿着裙子 躺在棺材里

387
00:18:03,043 --> 00:18:05,168
‪妈妈没能去棺材店

388
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,959
‪上帝说撒旦要来了

389
00:18:07,959 --> 00:18:09,418
‪马上!

390
00:18:10,001 --> 00:18:11,793
‪-又来了
‪-撒旦?

391
00:18:11,793 --> 00:18:13,668
‪万一撒旦伪装成别的样子怎么办?

392
00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,209
‪到底是哪个臭小子?

393
00:18:15,793 --> 00:18:16,918
‪不 你会认出他

394
00:18:16,918 --> 00:18:19,459
‪因为撒旦长了山羊的脑袋

395
00:18:19,459 --> 00:18:23,501
‪火红的眼睛 长獠牙 还有鹿角

396
00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:25,543
‪他有一只猫的胳膊

397
00:18:25,543 --> 00:18:27,834
‪但也有一只鸟的手

398
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:30,334
‪他有一只鸟翅膀和一只蝙蝠的翅膀

399
00:18:30,334 --> 00:18:31,709
‪还有一条马腿

400
00:18:31,709 --> 00:18:33,959
‪我猜尾巴是蛇?

401
00:18:34,626 --> 00:18:38,001
‪先生 这不是《小马宝莉》里
‪的“无序”吗?

402
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:39,459
‪哦 该死 被你识破了

403
00:18:39,459 --> 00:18:42,376
‪我现在只能撂挑子 去吸毒了 再见!

404
00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:45,626
‪那是什么?

405
00:18:49,001 --> 00:18:51,626
‪开什么玩笑...

406
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,793
‪那是他没错

407
00:18:57,668 --> 00:18:59,543
‪我们还缺一个是什么意思?

408
00:18:59,543 --> 00:19:01,709
‪我和麦蒂在图书馆杀掉的四个呢?

409
00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:02,751
‪算上才99只

410
00:19:02,751 --> 00:19:05,001
‪我在浴室里杀死了一只在试涂口红的

411
00:19:05,001 --> 00:19:07,709
‪就像《小精灵》续集里的女精灵
‪所以是一百个

412
00:19:07,709 --> 00:19:09,043
‪不 我干掉的是性感蛋

413
00:19:09,043 --> 00:19:11,543
‪我是说普通蛋 涂了性感口红

414
00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:20,751
‪好吧 那么还剩一个

415
00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:22,168
‪我们去找它

416
00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:25,626
‪太迟了

417
00:19:30,543 --> 00:19:32,418
‪老天爷

418
00:19:40,084 --> 00:19:41,501
‪托德 进来!

419
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:46,168
‪我不想在这儿!

420
00:19:49,001 --> 00:19:51,126
‪你们还记得
‪《小精灵》续集的结局吗?

421
00:19:51,126 --> 00:19:52,418
‪天啊 麦蒂 现在?

422
00:19:53,001 --> 00:19:56,001
‪他们引诱小精灵进入大厅
‪用水喷他们...

423
00:19:56,001 --> 00:19:56,918
‪剧透警告!

424
00:19:56,918 --> 00:19:58,376
‪然后电击他们

425
00:19:58,376 --> 00:19:59,959
‪我们现在有电了

426
00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,334
‪我们只需要把那东西引到

427
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:04,001
‪林肯雕像前面的那个喷泉

428
00:20:04,001 --> 00:20:05,668
‪要怎么做?

429
00:20:07,584 --> 00:20:09,668
‪它会寻找它的母亲

430
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:10,959
‪你在开玩笑吗?

431
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:13,293
‪不!这些台词要主角来说!

432
00:20:13,293 --> 00:20:16,126
‪现在还不晚 说点精彩的 麦蒂

433
00:20:16,126 --> 00:20:17,793
‪好吧 牛仔们

434
00:20:17,793 --> 00:20:20,043
‪看起来今天怪物是食物

435
00:20:20,043 --> 00:20:24,043
‪而人类是牙齿 各位

436
00:20:28,959 --> 00:20:32,043
‪戴夫 你要立刻戒了PCP

437
00:20:32,043 --> 00:20:34,168
‪但这是最后的机会

438
00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:36,543
‪好吧 让我再吸一磅

439
00:20:36,543 --> 00:20:38,959
‪在这之后
‪我一点自己的时间都不会有了

440
00:20:38,959 --> 00:20:40,876
‪戴维J吃屁人

441
00:20:40,876 --> 00:20:44,001
‪你也许是个真正的先知

442
00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:46,376
‪从政治角度而言 你的价值不可估量

443
00:20:46,376 --> 00:20:48,543
‪听着 你看起来是个好人 但...

444
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:51,334
‪我觉得毒品在起作用了

445
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,168
‪想想我们能一起做多少好事

446
00:20:54,168 --> 00:20:57,043
‪我可以颁布法律
‪除了放国歌时要起立

447
00:20:57,043 --> 00:20:59,126
‪其他时候都要跪下

448
00:20:59,126 --> 00:21:01,918
‪你说什么 那些人都会听的

449
00:21:01,918 --> 00:21:03,584
‪你就像他们的神

450
00:21:03,584 --> 00:21:04,501
‪不

451
00:21:04,501 --> 00:21:07,043
‪也许这是PCP让我开始说胡话 但是...

452
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,084
‪我是上帝!

453
00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:14,959
‪只有我能用神力

454
00:21:14,959 --> 00:21:18,043
‪阻止那东西!

455
00:21:19,043 --> 00:21:19,959
‪干!

456
00:21:37,251 --> 00:21:38,543
‪哦 小宝贝

457
00:21:39,626 --> 00:21:41,209
‪来妈妈这里

458
00:21:44,376 --> 00:21:45,668
‪我们走

459
00:21:45,668 --> 00:21:47,251
‪尤菲和我去过一次意大利

460
00:21:47,251 --> 00:21:50,251
‪我们去看阿马尔菲海岸时
‪在巴士上坐错了边

461
00:21:56,209 --> 00:21:57,918
‪我们知道你们两个跑不远

462
00:21:57,918 --> 00:22:00,001
‪我的脊柱因为儿童肥胖症崩溃了

463
00:22:03,793 --> 00:22:05,168
‪这是你做的吗?

464
00:22:05,168 --> 00:22:06,084
‪做什么?

465
00:22:06,084 --> 00:22:07,376
‪我们掉下去了!

466
00:22:07,376 --> 00:22:08,376
‪不!

467
00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,668
‪到妈妈这里来 宝贝

468
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:19,209
‪也到他的朋友万斯巴瑞这里来

469
00:22:21,334 --> 00:22:24,168
‪放进去 麦蒂 我们得把头部弄湿

470
00:22:24,168 --> 00:22:27,084
‪伙计 听听你自己在说什么
‪我怎么好意思传下去?

471
00:22:27,084 --> 00:22:29,626
‪-那就说 “她就是这么说的”
‪-她就是这么说的

472
00:22:38,501 --> 00:22:40,959
‪“不够长” 她就是这么说的

473
00:22:45,918 --> 00:22:47,543
‪这都怪我

474
00:22:47,543 --> 00:22:49,084
‪对不起 万斯巴瑞

475
00:22:49,084 --> 00:22:50,876
‪好的 谢谢 再见

476
00:22:53,543 --> 00:22:54,918
‪看来我今天要葬身于此了

477
00:22:55,418 --> 00:22:57,793
‪被我的老吉普撞死的吉普赛人
‪你算得一点都不准

478
00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:00,293
‪我是你的上帝

479
00:23:00,293 --> 00:23:03,501
‪我会用我的闪电摧毁你!

480
00:23:05,709 --> 00:23:06,543
‪我死了

481
00:23:09,334 --> 00:23:11,126
‪这本来是没用的

482
00:23:15,876 --> 00:23:17,293
‪(这不是我的头)

483
00:23:17,293 --> 00:23:18,959
‪(谁把这个头放在我身上的?)

484
00:23:18,959 --> 00:23:20,418
‪(我得把它弄掉!)

485
00:23:20,418 --> 00:23:22,501
‪(我得找到我真正的头!)

486
00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:23,834
‪(邮局抢了我的头!)

487
00:23:29,709 --> 00:23:31,751
‪天啊

488
00:23:32,376 --> 00:23:33,543
‪这个很好吃!

489
00:23:33,543 --> 00:23:34,668
‪就像奶油汽水

490
00:23:34,668 --> 00:23:36,584
‪对我来说就像山姆亚当斯

491
00:23:36,584 --> 00:23:39,043
‪我觉得这是你最喜欢的饮料的味道

492
00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:41,584
‪好吧

493
00:23:41,584 --> 00:23:44,376
‪难怪大家都叫它“天使粉”

494
00:23:46,168 --> 00:23:47,584
‪谢谢 你们很慷慨

495
00:23:47,584 --> 00:23:50,043
‪但先知戴夫死了

496
00:23:50,043 --> 00:23:52,626
‪我想你是说圣戴夫

497
00:23:53,209 --> 00:23:54,876
‪你们需要更好的信息

498
00:23:54,876 --> 00:23:56,418
‪现在 你们有了

499
00:23:56,418 --> 00:23:59,793
‪拉法耶广场的圣戴夫为我们而死

500
00:24:00,501 --> 00:24:02,793
‪我们可能得改一些教堂的名字

501
00:24:02,793 --> 00:24:04,126
‪我认识一个很棒的凿工

502
00:24:04,126 --> 00:24:06,084
‪瞧 我们做到了

503
00:24:06,084 --> 00:24:07,001
‪算是吧

504
00:24:07,001 --> 00:24:09,126
‪我们在一起挺好的 对吧?

505
00:24:09,126 --> 00:24:10,709
‪是的

506
00:24:10,709 --> 00:24:12,334
‪当我们和外星人战斗时

507
00:24:12,334 --> 00:24:15,001
‪当然 我就是这个意思

508
00:24:15,001 --> 00:24:16,751
‪哎呀

509
00:24:16,751 --> 00:24:19,793
‪好可惜 我错过了所有的乐趣吗?

510
00:24:19,793 --> 00:24:22,168
‪太糟糕了

511
00:24:22,168 --> 00:24:26,126
‪我们本来需要一个人去告诉怪兽
‪该用什么叉子

512
00:24:26,126 --> 00:24:29,834
‪叉子?糟了 过了11点了
‪到了吃肉汤的时间

513
00:24:29,834 --> 00:24:31,001
‪露西尔 有时间吗?

514
00:24:31,001 --> 00:24:33,459
‪那是露西琳的昵称 但当然 我有时间

515
00:24:33,459 --> 00:24:34,459
‪是吗?

516
00:24:34,459 --> 00:24:37,793
‪嘿 姐们 你能相信
‪我真的嫉妒那个家伙吗?

517
00:24:37,793 --> 00:24:39,251
‪是的 那...

518
00:24:40,334 --> 00:24:43,459
‪我得走了 我的孩子们需要我

519
00:24:43,459 --> 00:24:45,418
‪等等 他们可能真的需要我

520
00:24:45,418 --> 00:24:48,793
‪我只是想告诉你
‪今天没有被太空龙吃掉

521
00:24:48,793 --> 00:24:51,376
‪是今天发生在我身上的
‪第二好的事

522
00:24:51,376 --> 00:24:53,418
‪真的吗?那第一好的事是什么?

523
00:24:55,001 --> 00:24:56,334
‪我就知道你能做到

524
00:24:56,334 --> 00:24:58,876
‪我没有逃跑 在越南时也没有

525
00:24:58,876 --> 00:25:00,959
‪现在让我拍张幸福夫妻的照片

526
00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:01,918
‪什么?

527
00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:04,751
‪你是说我和麦蒂 没问题

528
00:25:04,751 --> 00:25:05,834
‪职责所在

529
00:25:08,251 --> 00:25:09,959
‪-你听到了吗?
‪-是的 麦蒂

530
00:25:09,959 --> 00:25:11,668
‪国王说“拉屎”

531
00:25:11,668 --> 00:25:12,876
‪她听懂了

532
00:25:15,459 --> 00:25:17,834
‪(全国天主教和戴夫教圣所)

533
00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:21,043
‪当圣戴夫被撒旦吃掉时

534
00:25:21,043 --> 00:25:22,459
‪耶稣说

535
00:25:22,459 --> 00:25:25,959
‪“你拯救了复活节 谢谢你 戴夫”

536
00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:27,626
‪谢谢你 戴夫!

537
00:25:31,334 --> 00:25:33,334
‪戴夫死了

538
00:25:33,334 --> 00:25:35,334
‪基督复活了

539
00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:38,293
‪戴夫和基督是朋友

540
00:25:38,293 --> 00:25:42,584
‪戴夫就是这么跟拉马尔说的

541
00:25:42,584 --> 00:25:45,751
‪友谊是魔法 耶稣是友谊

542
00:25:45,751 --> 00:25:48,251
‪所以耶稣是魔法

543
00:25:48,251 --> 00:25:51,793
‪戴夫节快乐 各位

544
00:25:51,793 --> 00:25:52,918
‪戴夫节快乐!

545
00:25:52,918 --> 00:25:56,168
‪只有我这么觉得
‪还是基督教变得更奇怪了?

546
00:25:56,168 --> 00:25:58,584
‪是啊 你这张脸还好意思说奇怪

547
00:25:58,584 --> 00:26:05,668
‪谢谢你 PCP!

548
00:26:06,626 --> 00:26:09,459
{\an8}‪(全国天主教和戴夫教圣所
‪就这样 后面没了)

549
00:27:01,543 --> 00:27:03,459
‪字幕翻译:肖雪