1
00:00:06,043 --> 00:00:09,959
[classical music playing]
2
00:00:09,959 --> 00:00:12,043
[classical music continues]
3
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[crumbles]
4
00:00:19,084 --> 00:00:21,501
Grimes, are you eating a boot?
5
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Remember the Internet stupids?
6
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When I cut into this,
it's gonna be secret cake.
7
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Ah, man.
8
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Ah! Look, Dan, the first robin of spring.
9
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[all yelling, grunting]
10
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- [mascot] Lemme eeda fugga bahh!
- [Dan] I'm so hungry!
11
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- [Grimes] Cake!
- [woman] Sneaky!
12
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[grunting, yelling continues]
13
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[in groundhog language] Jesus,
how long was I asleep?!
14
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[theme music playing]
15
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[Dr. Braun] Mr. President... [clears throat]
...obviously, it's hard to compete with oil
16
00:01:00,043 --> 00:01:02,418
because it is dino juice.
17
00:01:02,418 --> 00:01:04,501
- [Matty] Hmm.
- But hey, here's a question.
18
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{\an8}Who would win a fight
between a dinosaur and Superman?
19
00:01:07,918 --> 00:01:09,543
{\an8}Come on. Superman.
20
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{\an8}Unless the dinosaur's mom's name
is also Martha.
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{\an8}Then they wouldn't fight.
22
00:01:13,043 --> 00:01:17,459
{\an8}Well, Superman gets his strength
from solar power,
23
00:01:17,459 --> 00:01:18,793
{\an8}and so could you.
24
00:01:18,793 --> 00:01:22,418
Unless Vice President LaMarr
doesn't like Superman.
25
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I would never speak ill of Superman,
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let alone our beautiful sun.
27
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Oh, okay.
28
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Well, I found this
in what was left of my car.
29
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Harry Connick Jr. Live: Just the Banter?
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The title's not important.
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What's important is if I had enough CDs,
copper wire, and a diode,
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I could create a photovoltaic cell.
33
00:01:38,709 --> 00:01:41,668
- What's a CD?
- Okay, this just got wicked boring.
34
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:43,626
You got 30 seconds,
and then I'm going out there
35
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and teaching the fat one
how to throw a curve.
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Okay, that's my son.
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Enough about the sun!
Jeez, why don't you just marry it already?
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Sir, I just need compact discs,
39
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and there's a Sam Goody buried
under the wreckage of Mazza Gallerie.
40
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There was still a Sam Goody here?
41
00:01:56,793 --> 00:01:58,834
Sibley Hospital kept it open
to help ease the transition
42
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for newly awoken 1990s coma patients.
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If General Scarpaccio's men
help me dig it out,
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I could get enough CDs to,
in your words, sir,
45
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"encoldify your brew-dogs."
46
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My men could totally do that,
and I know what CDs are 'cause I'm old.
47
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I also know about... Seinfeld?
48
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Well, I took the liberty
of writing up an executive order.
49
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- It should be on your desk.
- I have it right here, sir.
50
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Just add your Jefferson Davis...
Uh, John Hancock, I mean.
51
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[chuckles] That name. "John" means toilet.
52
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After you've read it, of course.
53
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Aw, I gotta read stuff now?
What is this, the movie Parasite?
54
00:02:32,668 --> 00:02:34,334
What? I'm not signing this.
55
00:02:34,334 --> 00:02:37,876
Yeah, nice try, Doctor,
but you're on the wrong side of history.
56
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- [whimsical music plays]
- [Matty huffs]
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What the hell just happened?
58
00:02:41,251 --> 00:02:44,376
Aw, I really thought you had him there
with Superman.
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[Dr. Braun scoffs]
60
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Heads up! [grunts]
61
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- [grunts]
- Ah, baseball.
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I watched hundreds of hours of this game
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to study humans' physical abilities
in preparation for the attack.
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00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:56,543
It was not the best use of my time.
65
00:02:56,543 --> 00:03:00,126
Uh, yeah, maybe you should have gotten
vent covers for your ship.
66
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I told Zeenorp I wanted them.
67
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This is what happens
when you hire your sister's glabzorn.
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One vent cover,
and I'd be home in my kitchen.
69
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Great. Okay.
70
00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:10,751
Mommy's done for the day. Let's go, boys.
71
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Oh, come on, don't be like that.
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Just 'cause I didn't do your dumb thing,
you're gonna take away my playmates?
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They're my children, sir.
74
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And we now know today is Saturday,
75
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and Saturday's our family time.
Right, kids?
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Yeah, that's why dad had custody
on weekends. You were always at work--
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Well, Dad's gone, okay?
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To a... To a farm. A daddy farm.
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But he always took us
to Little League on Saturdays.
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Little League. Yes, I'm sure
some of the kids from your team survi...
81
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I mean, have the afternoon free.
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The others are at camp on a farm.
It's a farm camp.
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- We're playing baseball?
- No, we're playing baseball.
84
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Practicing, actually, because
the other teams are all... farms now.
85
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Practice? How do you win at practice?
86
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You have the satisfaction
of incremental improvement.
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[scoffs] You're explaining baseball to me?
88
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I played for and got suspended
for betting on the Sea Pigs.
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I got it! I got it! I got it!
90
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- [crowd boos]
- Cha-ching!
91
00:04:04,918 --> 00:04:06,959
Uh, I mean, uh, oops.
92
00:04:06,959 --> 00:04:09,584
So let me tell you
something about baseball.
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Games is the only way you win,
94
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and winning is what winners do.
95
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Yeah. Mom, you've never even seen us play.
96
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I went to a game.
97
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Remember I got hit by that foul ball
because I was on my laptop?
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The umpire gave me mouth-to-mouth
for no reason.
99
00:04:23,293 --> 00:04:26,251
Also, I'm gonna go
to one of your games now,
100
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because we're gonna play a game.
101
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- Yeah!
- All right, Mrs. B!
102
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But you're gonna need an opponent.
103
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I'll go round up
some other, uh, not-dead kids.
104
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Now, where's this farm they're all at?
105
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[rustling]
106
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Ugh! Are you, like, one of those guys
that follow me into Payless
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00:04:45,293 --> 00:04:47,834
and take my used disposable socks
out of the trash?
108
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What? That's a kind of guy?
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- Yeah.
- Ugh.
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Well, this isn't just any trash, Lucy.
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It's a dustbin of history.
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No? Well, according
to the Presidential Records Act,
113
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every White House document
must be preserved.
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Whether it's the president drawing...
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00:05:03,793 --> 00:05:05,543
snakes with muscle arms,
116
00:05:05,543 --> 00:05:08,043
uh, or an unsigned executive order...
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Zounds! A poison pill!
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Don't eat it!
119
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No, a poison pill
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is when someone inserts language
into a document to sabotage it.
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"An order establishing
that Derek Jeter rules. Go Yankees."
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"Also, real clam chowder is red."
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No wonder the president wouldn't sign it.
124
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That Mr. LaMarr is sneaky.
125
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Like those guys who Spider-Man
on the ceilings of airplane bathrooms.
126
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Our democracy has been corrupted
by these kinds of procedural dirty tricks.
127
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I have half a mind to tell Farrah
she should do something about this.
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Oh, I saw her leave.
She was with Matty and two dwarves.
129
00:05:37,834 --> 00:05:40,001
- Or her children.
- Who each had one very big hand.
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- Baseball gloves.
- Matty was carrying a tiny flagpole.
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- A bat.
- Who knows if they're ever coming back.
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00:05:43,918 --> 00:05:46,334
So maybe you should go
and talk to Mr. LaMarr.
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Confrontation. Yes.
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Sweet. Cool. I love it.
135
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Please don't make me.
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Here's a little tip for telling people
things they don't wanna hear.
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Be pretty. Okay, good luck.
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[Simon groans]
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[whimsical music playing]
140
00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:01,543
[Matty panting]
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00:06:01,543 --> 00:06:02,959
Who wants to play baseball?
142
00:06:02,959 --> 00:06:04,668
I do, numbnuts.
143
00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:08,584
Oh yes! Team's gotta have
a foul-mouthed wise-cracking kid.
144
00:06:08,584 --> 00:06:10,793
Will there be snacks?
We haven't eaten in days.
145
00:06:10,793 --> 00:06:13,084
You must be the fat kid. Nice!
146
00:06:13,084 --> 00:06:16,126
Wait, but where's the kid
who's too little? Or the weird twins?
147
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:19,251
Ooh, we're also gonna need
a kid who drinks beer.
148
00:06:19,834 --> 00:06:21,293
I call it "forget juice."
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00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:23,376
A tough kid, working under a car.
150
00:06:23,376 --> 00:06:26,959
Hey, I'm an adult
who doesn't do leg exercises.
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00:06:26,959 --> 00:06:28,584
Stop shaming me.
152
00:06:28,584 --> 00:06:31,001
A nerdy kid who can't even throw.
153
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[narrator] It was a summer
I'd never forget--
154
00:06:33,376 --> 00:06:37,418
No! Why do you get to narrate
our story in the future? You suck!
155
00:06:37,418 --> 00:06:39,251
Hey. Can I play?
156
00:06:39,251 --> 00:06:40,668
General Scarpaccio?
157
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:44,251
Wow. My name is Jayson, and I'm a kid.
158
00:06:44,251 --> 00:06:46,626
Can you really not tell me apart
from an old army guy?
159
00:06:46,626 --> 00:06:50,043
No, no, no, no, no. Come on, I'm cool.
I saw Green Book in theaters.
160
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Welcome to the team, Jayson.
161
00:06:52,918 --> 00:06:53,918
Not bad.
162
00:06:53,918 --> 00:06:56,168
I mean, I was hoping to find
a girl with a boy's name,
163
00:06:56,168 --> 00:06:58,084
like Jo or something,
164
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:01,584
and when she takes off her helmet,
the other team goes, "You're Jo?"
165
00:07:01,584 --> 00:07:04,793
But, yeah, hey,
good enough for government work.
166
00:07:04,793 --> 00:07:06,793
[Simon mumbling angrily]
167
00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:08,084
- My, oh my.
- [Simon yelps]
168
00:07:08,084 --> 00:07:11,793
I haven't seen nervous pacing like that
since my pappy gave me a silver dollar
169
00:07:11,793 --> 00:07:13,876
and dropped me off
at that riverboat brothel.
170
00:07:13,876 --> 00:07:16,584
"This'll cure you
of your love of theater," he said.
171
00:07:16,584 --> 00:07:18,751
I know you put a poison pill
in the executive order,
172
00:07:18,751 --> 00:07:20,001
Mr. Vice President...
173
00:07:20,001 --> 00:07:24,251
- Sir.
- Oh, you're here on business. [chuckles]
174
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Step on into my chambers.
175
00:07:26,376 --> 00:07:29,626
I hope you don't think
I did something unseemly.
176
00:07:29,626 --> 00:07:32,251
There's nothing seemlier
than following Senate procedure.
177
00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:34,709
Why, it's positively dripping with seem.
178
00:07:34,709 --> 00:07:36,793
No! Poison pills and filibusters
179
00:07:36,793 --> 00:07:39,959
and pork-barrel politics is everything
that was wrong with our democracy.
180
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,293
I'm sorry I yelled.
181
00:07:41,293 --> 00:07:45,501
Ha! You ivory-tower know-it-alls
have no clue how this town really works.
182
00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:47,043
There's a way things are done,
183
00:07:47,043 --> 00:07:49,626
and it begins and ends with lobbyists.
184
00:07:49,626 --> 00:07:52,293
They're the char
that makes my train go "ca-choo-choo."
185
00:07:52,876 --> 00:07:53,751
Still?
186
00:07:55,418 --> 00:07:56,918
- [crackles]
- The world is that,
187
00:07:56,918 --> 00:08:00,376
but you sabotaged Farrah's solar plan
'cause she didn't buy you a fancy dinner?
188
00:08:00,376 --> 00:08:01,959
The proper channels exist
189
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:04,668
so that we don't just chase
every fad gon' come along.
190
00:08:04,668 --> 00:08:07,584
Why, do you want a Supreme Court
packed with Pokémans?
191
00:08:07,584 --> 00:08:09,626
Solar energy isn't just a fad.
192
00:08:09,626 --> 00:08:13,251
Jimmy Carter installed solar panels
on the White House in 1979.
193
00:08:13,251 --> 00:08:14,293
Exactly.
194
00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:17,501
An adult man named Jimmy?
That's silly season.
195
00:08:17,501 --> 00:08:19,043
But don't you want electricity?
196
00:08:19,043 --> 00:08:21,501
Well, of course, it would be nice
to blend my smoothies,
197
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,626
or recharge the LVAD machine
that pumps my blood.
198
00:08:24,626 --> 00:08:27,084
- The what?
- It's like a electronic heart.
199
00:08:27,084 --> 00:08:29,376
Dick Cheney had to get one of 'em,
so then we all got 'em.
200
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:32,834
[LVAD machine] Battery low.
Death in five hours.
201
00:08:32,834 --> 00:08:33,793
What did it say?
202
00:08:33,793 --> 00:08:36,959
Oh, I'll be fine,
just as long as I do my somersaults,
203
00:08:36,959 --> 00:08:39,501
which is a French word,
so I call 'em "freedom tumbles."
204
00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:41,043
Keep the blood flowing.
205
00:08:41,043 --> 00:08:42,501
[LaMarr grunts]
206
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:43,793
That's the ticket.
207
00:08:43,793 --> 00:08:45,293
So you're just insane.
208
00:08:45,293 --> 00:08:46,918
I am principled.
209
00:08:46,918 --> 00:08:48,293
This is how things have been done
210
00:08:48,293 --> 00:08:50,918
for my entire 60-year career
in public office.
211
00:08:50,918 --> 00:08:53,959
And like Patrick Henry,
or that guy who was really into bears,
212
00:08:53,959 --> 00:08:56,959
I will die before I betray my beliefs.
213
00:08:57,626 --> 00:08:59,626
Huh. Well, now if you'll excuse me,
214
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:05,418
I need to tumble some blood
to the old corn grabbers. [grunting]
215
00:09:05,418 --> 00:09:07,418
[whimsical music plays]
216
00:09:08,084 --> 00:09:11,626
Now, what's the most important thing
about playing baseball?
217
00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:13,834
Coach Doug says it's having fun.
218
00:09:13,834 --> 00:09:16,418
Coach Doug is... stuck in traffic.
219
00:09:16,418 --> 00:09:19,834
The most important thing at this level
is to never swing.
220
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:21,751
See, pitchers your age have no control.
221
00:09:21,751 --> 00:09:24,418
If you never swing,
we'll just walk our way to victory.
222
00:09:24,418 --> 00:09:26,293
Mom, that's so lame.
223
00:09:26,293 --> 00:09:28,793
Oh, I... I just thought if we won,
you'd be happy.
224
00:09:28,793 --> 00:09:30,876
- [Matty] Well, you're not going to.
- [dramatic sting]
225
00:09:30,876 --> 00:09:32,959
Scared of how ragtag we look?
226
00:09:32,959 --> 00:09:34,334
'Cause, you know, the underdogs
227
00:09:34,334 --> 00:09:37,543
always beat the piss
out of the snot-nosed rich kids.
228
00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:38,918
Yeah, in movies.
229
00:09:38,918 --> 00:09:40,876
Also, no one is rich anymore.
230
00:09:40,876 --> 00:09:42,459
Where'd you get all that old equipment?
231
00:09:42,459 --> 00:09:44,084
The Smithsonian stuff.
232
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,084
Jayson's got Ty Cobb's glove!
233
00:09:46,084 --> 00:09:48,043
I found this weird book inside it.
234
00:09:48,043 --> 00:09:50,001
So your name is Jayson?
235
00:09:50,001 --> 00:09:51,459
Yeah, it is, Farrah.
236
00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:54,126
I'm also a great name-guesser.
Was I right?
237
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,459
Yes. Oh my God. Do me now.
238
00:09:56,459 --> 00:09:58,418
Come on. Can we play, Dad?
239
00:09:58,418 --> 00:09:59,668
Mom, actually.
240
00:09:59,668 --> 00:10:03,626
But, yeah,
because playing's fun, and I'm fun.
241
00:10:03,626 --> 00:10:06,918
Get ready to have your asses torn off
and shoved up your butts.
242
00:10:06,918 --> 00:10:08,709
- Oh God.
- Play ball.
243
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,543
[whimsical music plays]
244
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,376
Ten-nothing. Skunk rule. We win.
245
00:10:12,376 --> 00:10:14,501
What a fun day with Mom, right?
246
00:10:14,501 --> 00:10:16,376
What? It's the first inning.
247
00:10:16,376 --> 00:10:18,501
I wanna keep playing.
What's wrong with you?
248
00:10:18,501 --> 00:10:21,626
I don't know, Carter.
I don't know what's wrong with Mommy.
249
00:10:21,626 --> 00:10:24,918
Maybe it's 'cause she was an only child
who grew up on a college campus
250
00:10:24,918 --> 00:10:26,751
and is just more comfortable
around adults.
251
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,168
And she couldn't go to birthday parties
252
00:10:28,168 --> 00:10:30,084
'cause after her uncle
tried to kill Ronald Reagan,
253
00:10:30,084 --> 00:10:31,334
she wasn't allowed to watch movies--
254
00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:32,876
Yeah, well, the game's not over.
255
00:10:32,876 --> 00:10:35,709
Great. My kids wanna keep playing,
so I wanna keep playing.
256
00:10:35,709 --> 00:10:36,668
I love it. Let's play.
257
00:10:36,668 --> 00:10:40,334
Good, 'cause this is the time in the movie
when the underdogs come back and win.
258
00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:41,459
That's us.
259
00:10:41,459 --> 00:10:44,001
And you guys,
you're the opposite of underdogs.
260
00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:46,043
You're overcats.
261
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:49,293
Woof! Boo! Meow! Woof! Boo! Meow!
262
00:10:49,293 --> 00:10:51,126
Mr. President, what are you doing?
263
00:10:51,126 --> 00:10:53,668
We're dogs, they're cats,
and we don't like them.
264
00:10:53,668 --> 00:10:56,293
I get that it's not working,
but don't just name the problem.
265
00:10:56,293 --> 00:10:57,376
Pitch a solution.
266
00:10:57,376 --> 00:11:00,001
So Mr. LaMarr
is just gonna let himself die?
267
00:11:00,001 --> 00:11:01,584
- I went to the National Archives--
- Aw.
268
00:11:01,584 --> 00:11:05,293
You must be so bored.
Do you want me to do a dance? [scats]
269
00:11:05,293 --> 00:11:07,668
Um, no. Uh, not now.
270
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:11,334
I pulled LaMarr's files looking for
some shred of humanity to appeal to,
271
00:11:11,334 --> 00:11:13,793
but, uh, he's always been like this.
272
00:11:14,418 --> 00:11:16,543
You all think I'm licked,
273
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:19,959
but, uh, I will not yield.
274
00:11:20,459 --> 00:11:21,293
Not until...
275
00:11:22,168 --> 00:11:25,168
there's a cigarette machine
in every kindergarten.
276
00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:27,876
- [uplifting music plays]
- [all applauding]
277
00:11:27,876 --> 00:11:31,834
So, um, maybe it wouldn't be
the worst thing if we...
278
00:11:32,543 --> 00:11:33,501
let him die.
279
00:11:33,501 --> 00:11:37,126
You don't just let people die, Simon.
Haven't you watched The Bible?
280
00:11:37,126 --> 00:11:39,501
You don't understand.
LaMarr's never gonna change.
281
00:11:39,501 --> 00:11:40,834
He's just set in his ways.
282
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,209
One of my pageant causes
was elder literacy,
283
00:11:43,209 --> 00:11:45,126
so I know how stubborn oldies can be.
284
00:11:45,126 --> 00:11:46,501
This word is "car."
285
00:11:46,501 --> 00:11:47,709
{\an8}Can you say car?
286
00:11:47,709 --> 00:11:49,876
[in German accent]
I was a guard at Buchenwald.
287
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:54,543
I need to confess my crimes to you
so I can enter heaven.
288
00:11:55,709 --> 00:11:56,876
{\an8}Car.
289
00:11:56,876 --> 00:11:58,584
LaMarr won't listen to us, Lucy.
290
00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:01,334
He'll only listen to lobbyists,
and all the lobbyists are gone.
291
00:12:01,918 --> 00:12:03,668
- No, they're not.
- [heroic music plays]
292
00:12:04,168 --> 00:12:05,543
What's a lobbyist?
293
00:12:05,543 --> 00:12:08,043
{\an8}- [upbeat music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
294
00:12:09,043 --> 00:12:11,709
What is happening?
We should've come back by now.
295
00:12:11,709 --> 00:12:13,168
This isn't a movie, sir.
296
00:12:13,168 --> 00:12:15,668
Yeah, well, I bet your mom
was in some movies.
297
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:19,084
She was. Her name was Jennifer Garner.
I'm Oliver Affleck.
298
00:12:20,918 --> 00:12:23,543
Well, your blood is coagulating,
which is good.
299
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:26,376
Unless you're a hemophiliac,
in which case you'll just bleed out.
300
00:12:27,334 --> 00:12:30,293
Which I didn't need to say,
and I was kidding. [chuckles]
301
00:12:30,293 --> 00:12:32,084
Your knee is just going to a farm.
302
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:34,501
Stop saying "farm!"
I know what that means.
303
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:37,043
And I know what happens
to all the bunnies in your lab!
304
00:12:37,043 --> 00:12:38,084
[chuckles nervously]
305
00:12:38,084 --> 00:12:39,209
No, you do not.
306
00:12:39,209 --> 00:12:43,834
[sobbing]
307
00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:45,834
- [whimsical music plays]
- [Matty sighs]
308
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:46,959
What are we missing?
309
00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:48,834
We've got a bunch of young misfits,
310
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,293
a coach who has nothing to lose
except everything,
311
00:12:51,293 --> 00:12:54,334
and a mysterious groundskeeper
who gives us advice.
312
00:12:54,334 --> 00:12:56,709
Oh, I'm no groundskeeper.
313
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:58,626
I won this shovel in a fight.
314
00:12:58,626 --> 00:13:00,584
Now, back to the advice.
315
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:02,418
When fighting for a shovel,
316
00:13:02,418 --> 00:13:05,709
nothing beats shoving your opponent
into a fire.
317
00:13:05,709 --> 00:13:08,043
- [kid 1] Oh!
- [kid 2] Aw!
318
00:13:08,043 --> 00:13:09,334
- Oh God!
- Ow!
319
00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:10,918
[screams, grunts]
320
00:13:10,918 --> 00:13:12,501
That's what we're missing.
321
00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:15,418
A kid who doesn't suck ass at baseball.
322
00:13:15,418 --> 00:13:19,418
We just need our Big Papi
crushing balls over the Green Monster.
323
00:13:19,418 --> 00:13:20,334
[gasps]
324
00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:22,418
Green Monster.
325
00:13:22,418 --> 00:13:23,626
Hey, Poindexter.
326
00:13:23,626 --> 00:13:26,251
Pwondext-ay. My people are French.
327
00:13:26,251 --> 00:13:28,751
I need you to buy me some time.
Have a seizure or whatever.
328
00:13:28,751 --> 00:13:31,126
The original version
of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
329
00:13:31,126 --> 00:13:33,709
had 16 increasingly xenophobic verses.
330
00:13:33,709 --> 00:13:35,418
All right, seventh-inning stretch!
331
00:13:35,418 --> 00:13:36,918
[door opens]
332
00:13:37,459 --> 00:13:39,876
Senate lobbyist registration forms.
333
00:13:39,876 --> 00:13:42,168
Well, I'll be a monkey's roommate.
334
00:13:42,168 --> 00:13:43,626
But just roommates.
335
00:13:43,626 --> 00:13:46,543
We are here on behalf of your friends
in the solar industry.
336
00:13:46,543 --> 00:13:48,626
Hmm. I do appreciate
337
00:13:48,626 --> 00:13:51,293
your newfound appreciation
for proper protocol,
338
00:13:51,293 --> 00:13:52,626
but give me one good reason
339
00:13:52,626 --> 00:13:55,084
why I shouldn't have my secretary
show you both the door,
340
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,084
other than his untimely death?
341
00:13:57,084 --> 00:13:59,168
- How about a thousand reasons?
- [dramatic sting]
342
00:13:59,168 --> 00:14:01,418
This is a donation to your pooper sack.
343
00:14:01,418 --> 00:14:02,334
Super PAC.
344
00:14:02,334 --> 00:14:05,626
I will, of course,
report this generous contribution
345
00:14:05,626 --> 00:14:08,459
to the puddles of goo
at the Federal Election Commission.
346
00:14:08,459 --> 00:14:11,626
I inserted some new language
into Dr. Braun's executive order.
347
00:14:11,626 --> 00:14:13,834
Whoa, now. Slow down.
348
00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:16,626
Cartwright LaMarr
is not so easily seduced.
349
00:14:16,626 --> 00:14:19,209
Offer to buy a girl dinner first.
350
00:14:19,209 --> 00:14:20,668
[both chuckle nervously]
351
00:14:20,668 --> 00:14:22,209
I said buy...
352
00:14:22,709 --> 00:14:23,876
a girl...
353
00:14:24,418 --> 00:14:25,501
dinner.
354
00:14:25,501 --> 00:14:26,459
Oh.
355
00:14:26,459 --> 00:14:27,668
[Axatrax] Duh,
356
00:14:27,668 --> 00:14:29,959
"I'm the American Earth president."
357
00:14:29,959 --> 00:14:34,584
"I'm super proud of going to my own moon
'cause it's so far away."
358
00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:35,501
There you are.
359
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:37,793
Axie, do you really know
how to play baseball?
360
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:41,376
I do. I also learned to dance
from watching Dirty Dancing.
361
00:14:41,376 --> 00:14:42,293
Lift me!
362
00:14:43,043 --> 00:14:44,293
- [Matty grunts]
- [Axatrax hisses]
363
00:14:44,293 --> 00:14:46,626
Okay. Well, how old are you, pal?
364
00:14:46,626 --> 00:14:49,209
'Cause I wanna do an Air Bug.
365
00:14:49,709 --> 00:14:52,459
That sumbitch was so hungover,
366
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:55,709
he voted "aye" on SB106. [chuckles]
367
00:14:55,709 --> 00:14:59,376
[both chuckle nervously]
368
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:00,584
Great story, sir.
369
00:15:00,584 --> 00:15:03,584
You could really tell what ethnicity
everyone was just from the voices.
370
00:15:03,584 --> 00:15:05,584
[LVAD machine] Battery at 3%.
371
00:15:05,584 --> 00:15:07,001
Pulse rate, seven.
372
00:15:07,001 --> 00:15:08,584
Okay, you've had your lunch.
373
00:15:08,584 --> 00:15:10,459
Can we just get Matty
to sign the thing now?
374
00:15:10,459 --> 00:15:14,876
Miss Suwan, have I told you
about my childhood love of the theater?
375
00:15:14,876 --> 00:15:17,084
I do so enjoy a show.
376
00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,543
Do we really have time for--
377
00:15:20,543 --> 00:15:22,543
I also enjoy my principles.
378
00:15:22,543 --> 00:15:25,209
Oh, they will keep me warm in the grave.
379
00:15:25,209 --> 00:15:26,834
Let's go see a show!
380
00:15:26,834 --> 00:15:28,334
I'll settle the bill.
381
00:15:28,918 --> 00:15:31,876
- [kisses]
- [whimsical music plays]
382
00:15:32,668 --> 00:15:35,168
Thank you for your help,
President Roosevelt.
383
00:15:37,459 --> 00:15:39,501
You sure are.
384
00:15:39,501 --> 00:15:41,876
Now back to New York to get my Annie.
385
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:44,626
[stagehand grunting]
386
00:15:47,084 --> 00:15:47,918
[LaMarr claps]
387
00:15:47,918 --> 00:15:50,293
- Bravo, I say, bravo.
- [Simon groans]
388
00:15:51,168 --> 00:15:54,334
♪ The Spaniards-- ♪
389
00:15:54,334 --> 00:15:56,418
Okay, new pitcher.
390
00:15:56,418 --> 00:15:58,251
And before anyone is all,
391
00:15:58,251 --> 00:16:01,459
"I'm a scientist.
My glasses are my entire personality."
392
00:16:01,459 --> 00:16:05,543
"And also Axatrax is 340 years old,
so he can't play in a Little League game,"
393
00:16:05,543 --> 00:16:06,876
tell 'em what you told me.
394
00:16:06,876 --> 00:16:08,209
You need to brush your teeth for longer.
395
00:16:08,209 --> 00:16:09,418
About your dumb planet.
396
00:16:09,418 --> 00:16:13,293
Cardi-B only orbits its suns
once every 120 Earth years,
397
00:16:13,293 --> 00:16:14,876
so technically, I'm three.
398
00:16:14,876 --> 00:16:19,168
You rich kids are about to get
your asses kicked by a three-year-old!
399
00:16:19,168 --> 00:16:21,376
[dramatic music plays]
400
00:16:21,376 --> 00:16:22,293
[gulps]
401
00:16:23,668 --> 00:16:25,376
- [Axatrax] Weeyup!
- [whimsical music plays]
402
00:16:25,376 --> 00:16:26,584
[Axatrax grunts]
403
00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:30,376
Hee-haw.
404
00:16:31,584 --> 00:16:33,501
Glass-breaking. [meows]
405
00:16:36,459 --> 00:16:38,293
Wah-wah.
406
00:16:39,126 --> 00:16:40,543
Boi-oi-oing.
407
00:16:40,543 --> 00:16:42,334
A real team effort.
408
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:43,459
Splat!
409
00:16:44,043 --> 00:16:45,668
[Axatrax screeches, grunts]
410
00:16:46,959 --> 00:16:49,876
What are you doing?
And why did I let it go on for so long?
411
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,251
I'm playing baseball perfectly.
412
00:16:51,251 --> 00:16:53,709
This is exactly how they did it
on my research video
413
00:16:53,709 --> 00:16:55,668
Super Duper Baseball Bloopers.
414
00:16:55,668 --> 00:16:57,334
I made the noises and everything.
415
00:16:57,334 --> 00:16:59,543
Bloopers are screwups, dillweed.
416
00:16:59,543 --> 00:17:01,459
You're doing everything wrong.
417
00:17:01,459 --> 00:17:03,793
Well, in my language,
"bloopers" means "highlights,"
418
00:17:03,793 --> 00:17:05,501
like the magazine Bloopers for Children.
419
00:17:05,501 --> 00:17:07,209
Highlights for Children!
420
00:17:07,209 --> 00:17:10,293
And why would you think
that's the one word we have in common?
421
00:17:10,293 --> 00:17:11,918
[Jayson] I'm really hurt.
422
00:17:12,418 --> 00:17:14,543
Well, these are some mighty fine seats.
423
00:17:14,543 --> 00:17:17,584
I could make out
the boys' weird little mustaches.
424
00:17:17,584 --> 00:17:20,251
And you can see them thanks to the sun.
425
00:17:20,251 --> 00:17:21,918
Speaking of the sun--
426
00:17:21,918 --> 00:17:23,959
Yes, I'd like to learn more about
427
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,251
what the sun can do
for me and my constituents.
428
00:17:26,251 --> 00:17:28,876
Perhaps a little fact-finding tour
to the Bahamas--
429
00:17:28,876 --> 00:17:30,834
[LVAD machine] Battery at 2%.
430
00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:32,543
Activating vulture beacon.
431
00:17:32,543 --> 00:17:36,876
Oh my God, sir! Matty's right there.
Make him sign the order.
432
00:17:36,876 --> 00:17:39,626
I don't know
whom you think you're talking to,
433
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,709
but Cartwright LaMarr is not a Teva.
434
00:17:41,709 --> 00:17:43,418
He does not go flip-flop.
435
00:17:43,418 --> 00:17:47,334
My friends in the oil industry
invested a lot of time and money in me.
436
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,293
You all invested an afternoon.
437
00:17:49,293 --> 00:17:52,751
There is no oil industry!
Everything's different now.
438
00:17:52,751 --> 00:17:54,876
And I can't take it anymore,
439
00:17:54,876 --> 00:17:56,918
even before the attack.
440
00:17:56,918 --> 00:17:58,501
The Jeffersons, lady doctors,
441
00:17:58,501 --> 00:18:00,793
phones let you press a button
to talk in Spanish...
442
00:18:00,793 --> 00:18:02,418
I mean, we could let him die.
443
00:18:02,418 --> 00:18:06,126
And now you want me to just go ahead
and support solar power?
444
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:09,376
No, I'm afraid I need to be lobbied
better than that.
445
00:18:09,376 --> 00:18:12,376
You gotta lobby me all the way.
446
00:18:12,376 --> 00:18:13,626
What does that even mean?
447
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,293
I hate all this yelling I'm doing!
448
00:18:15,293 --> 00:18:17,251
You gotta give me no choice,
449
00:18:17,251 --> 00:18:19,626
like when the NRA poisoned my grits
450
00:18:19,626 --> 00:18:23,209
and would only give me the antidote
if I voted to let dogs own guns.
451
00:18:23,209 --> 00:18:25,501
You want us to, like, blackmail you?
452
00:18:25,501 --> 00:18:27,918
Tick-tock, friends. Tick-tock.
453
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:30,543
[Axatrax grunts]
454
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,668
I wish we had a funny bug mascot.
455
00:18:33,668 --> 00:18:35,418
My mom is so lame.
456
00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:38,209
I can't wait till my dad visits
from that farm.
457
00:18:40,459 --> 00:18:41,501
Okay, you know what?
458
00:18:41,501 --> 00:18:45,043
We've skunked you guys three times,
and it's getting late. Game over.
459
00:18:45,043 --> 00:18:48,418
No! This is not over
until we make our comeback.
460
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:51,584
Jesus, let it go.
It's just a baseball game.
461
00:18:51,584 --> 00:18:53,918
It's not just about baseball!
462
00:18:55,584 --> 00:18:58,209
Looks like my work here is done.
463
00:18:58,209 --> 00:19:00,668
How so? My thing is totally unresolved.
464
00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:02,918
I'm in the middle
of storming off dramatically.
465
00:19:02,918 --> 00:19:05,293
- Fading away now.
- [ethereal tinkling]
466
00:19:07,126 --> 00:19:09,126
[ticking]
467
00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:14,001
Hmm. I'm gonna have a real nice time
haunting this place.
468
00:19:14,001 --> 00:19:17,334
I think I'll do that thing where
you start out normal, and then it's like...
469
00:19:17,334 --> 00:19:18,626
- [dramatic sting]
- ...bleah!
470
00:19:19,126 --> 00:19:20,668
Well, well, well.
471
00:19:20,668 --> 00:19:22,793
And here's one
to take home with you: well.
472
00:19:22,793 --> 00:19:24,084
So, what's the play here?
473
00:19:24,084 --> 00:19:26,459
You gonna frame me for murder? Is that it?
474
00:19:26,459 --> 00:19:28,709
I see the First Lady
is already dressed up as a call girl.
475
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:31,876
This is a nice dress.
It's Jessica Simpson for BevMo!
476
00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:35,293
And we don't have to stoop
to your level, sir,
477
00:19:35,293 --> 00:19:38,293
because I pulled this
from the archives earlier.
478
00:19:38,834 --> 00:19:41,959
Well, congratulations.
You discovered that I voted in 1980.
479
00:19:41,959 --> 00:19:44,918
Nope, we discovered
that you had a mood ring.
480
00:19:44,918 --> 00:19:46,959
Yeah, the '70s were still winding down.
481
00:19:46,959 --> 00:19:50,001
I also had a fondue pot. Lock me up.
482
00:19:50,001 --> 00:19:51,543
[Lucy] But why is it amber?
483
00:19:51,543 --> 00:19:54,376
Your face is smiling,
but your ring sure isn't.
484
00:19:54,376 --> 00:19:55,501
Oh...
485
00:19:55,501 --> 00:19:58,501
Why would Cartwright LaMarr feel sad
486
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:01,501
on the day Ronald Reagan won 44 States?
487
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,959
Maybe because
488
00:20:02,959 --> 00:20:05,209
- you voted for a Democrat?
- [dramatic sting]
489
00:20:05,793 --> 00:20:07,751
Of course I voted for Carter.
490
00:20:07,751 --> 00:20:09,543
He was a Southerner, a navy man,
491
00:20:09,543 --> 00:20:11,626
and grew the best damn peanuts
I ever tasted.
492
00:20:11,626 --> 00:20:15,834
Ronald Reagan was a Hollywood actor,
the head of a labor union, and a divorcé.
493
00:20:15,834 --> 00:20:17,918
Oh, I'm so sorry, Gipper.
494
00:20:17,918 --> 00:20:19,959
Thank God I saw the error of my ways.
495
00:20:19,959 --> 00:20:22,626
And thank super God
you're not alive to see this.
496
00:20:22,626 --> 00:20:25,459
No, but I think my friend Vance Barry...
497
00:20:25,459 --> 00:20:27,501
{\an8}We're friends? Oh happy day.
498
00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:30,084
...would be very interested
in this photograph.
499
00:20:30,084 --> 00:20:31,293
[dramatic music plays]
500
00:20:32,293 --> 00:20:33,668
Well played.
501
00:20:34,876 --> 00:20:38,959
I'm attempting to clap at normal speed,
but my brain isn't getting any oxygen.
502
00:20:38,959 --> 00:20:44,334
So, you're fully lobbied or whatever.
You'll support solar energy now?
503
00:20:44,334 --> 00:20:46,293
Why, I have to.
504
00:20:46,293 --> 00:20:48,543
You've given me no choice.
505
00:20:48,543 --> 00:20:50,959
Finally. Let's go get
Matty's signature before you--
506
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:53,126
Oh, that won't be necessary.
507
00:20:55,543 --> 00:20:57,418
These were here the whole time?
508
00:20:57,418 --> 00:21:00,876
I put them here
after I helped Mr. Reagan tear them down.
509
00:21:01,376 --> 00:21:03,251
It was me, Ronnie, and Ed Meese.
510
00:21:03,251 --> 00:21:04,584
And of course our mommies,
511
00:21:04,584 --> 00:21:06,501
which is what we all called our wives.
512
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:11,043
But this was before the solar industry
proved itself to be so patriotic.
513
00:21:11,043 --> 00:21:14,459
And since improvements to the White House
fall under the purview of the First Lady,
514
00:21:14,459 --> 00:21:16,418
we don't need the president to sign--
515
00:21:16,418 --> 00:21:18,209
- [LVAD machine] Battery at 0%.
- [beeping]
516
00:21:18,209 --> 00:21:19,584
Commencing death.
517
00:21:19,584 --> 00:21:20,501
- Lucy, do it!
- Put them up!
518
00:21:20,501 --> 00:21:22,543
- I'm the First Lady, so do electricity.
- Do it!
519
00:21:22,543 --> 00:21:25,834
I assembled the perfect team. So stop...
520
00:21:26,959 --> 00:21:28,501
Hey, the kids are waiting for you.
521
00:21:28,501 --> 00:21:30,626
I told them you went to a farm, but...
522
00:21:31,543 --> 00:21:32,418
Are you all right?
523
00:21:32,418 --> 00:21:33,334
No.
524
00:21:34,834 --> 00:21:36,584
I just wanted to win something.
525
00:21:36,584 --> 00:21:38,834
Being president is so hard.
526
00:21:38,834 --> 00:21:41,251
Baseball is something
I actually know how to do,
527
00:21:41,251 --> 00:21:44,043
and I can't even beat
a bunch of rich snobs with a girl coach.
528
00:21:44,043 --> 00:21:46,043
You want a win? What about me?
529
00:21:46,043 --> 00:21:47,418
What about you? You're not me.
530
00:21:47,418 --> 00:21:50,043
All I wanted to do today
was be a mom to my kids,
531
00:21:50,043 --> 00:21:53,001
something that's supposed
to come naturally but clearly doesn't.
532
00:21:53,001 --> 00:21:55,126
Clearly. The tall one told me
he doesn't sleep
533
00:21:55,126 --> 00:21:57,876
because he's afraid he's gonna wake up
on a farm full of skeletons.
534
00:21:57,876 --> 00:21:59,376
Oh God.
535
00:21:59,959 --> 00:22:03,084
Their dad was the fun one
and the nurturing one.
536
00:22:03,084 --> 00:22:05,501
For the record,
he sucked at everything else.
537
00:22:05,501 --> 00:22:08,876
He invested our life savings
in a cryptocurrency called Koolkash,
538
00:22:08,876 --> 00:22:10,126
with two Ks.
539
00:22:10,126 --> 00:22:13,334
The only cryptocurrency worth anything
is Sexxxxbux,
540
00:22:13,334 --> 00:22:14,584
with a total of five Xs.
541
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:19,001
So sometimes I try too hard,
and it never works. [sighs]
542
00:22:19,001 --> 00:22:20,293
The sun is setting, Matty.
543
00:22:20,293 --> 00:22:22,043
Neither of us is gonna win today.
544
00:22:22,043 --> 00:22:24,334
I'm starting to think movies lied to me.
545
00:22:24,334 --> 00:22:26,751
Maybe the underdogs
don't always make a comeback.
546
00:22:26,751 --> 00:22:30,834
[sighs] I hope you're wrong,
'cause, boy, we are all underdogs now.
547
00:22:30,834 --> 00:22:34,918
And we're all getting our asses torn off
and shoved up our own butts.
548
00:22:35,709 --> 00:22:38,084
Okay... game over.
549
00:22:38,668 --> 00:22:41,251
[electric crackling]
550
00:22:41,251 --> 00:22:43,376
[gentle music plays]
551
00:22:43,376 --> 00:22:44,584
[whimsical music playing]
552
00:22:44,584 --> 00:22:46,459
- All right.
- [Simon and Lucy sigh]
553
00:22:48,626 --> 00:22:49,501
[citizens gasp]
554
00:22:50,084 --> 00:22:53,459
- [woman] Hey, look, it's electricity!
- [man] All right!
555
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:54,751
[clamoring]
556
00:22:54,751 --> 00:22:55,793
[lights power on]
557
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,209
Mom, did you do this?
558
00:22:58,209 --> 00:23:00,418
Obviously. For you little turds.
559
00:23:00,418 --> 00:23:01,918
That's why she works so hard.
560
00:23:01,918 --> 00:23:03,876
Now we can play all night!
561
00:23:03,876 --> 00:23:06,168
Guys, my mom turned the lights on!
562
00:23:06,168 --> 00:23:07,793
Now, I can read at night!
563
00:23:07,793 --> 00:23:08,709
Yeah.
564
00:23:08,709 --> 00:23:10,376
Read about being a virgin.
565
00:23:10,376 --> 00:23:12,209
Mr. President, he's 12.
566
00:23:12,209 --> 00:23:13,793
All right, play ball!
567
00:23:13,793 --> 00:23:15,001
[whimsical music playing]
568
00:23:15,126 --> 00:23:17,084
Well, it's a start.
569
00:23:17,709 --> 00:23:19,001
[vulture screeches]
570
00:23:19,001 --> 00:23:20,043
[dramatic sting]
571
00:23:20,876 --> 00:23:23,293
Let's get me plugged in, shall we?
572
00:23:24,918 --> 00:23:25,876
Wait, where's Matty?
573
00:23:25,876 --> 00:23:28,209
[Matty in girl voice] Hey, boys. I'm Jo.
574
00:23:28,209 --> 00:23:29,584
I'm ten years old,
575
00:23:29,584 --> 00:23:33,459
and I'm here to show everyone
that girls can play baseball too.
576
00:23:33,459 --> 00:23:35,126
Oh Go-- Okay.
577
00:23:35,126 --> 00:23:37,376
Wait, you're Jo?
578
00:23:37,376 --> 00:23:38,918
[upbeat music playing]
579
00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:40,209
[Matty] Oh, here we go.
580
00:23:40,793 --> 00:23:42,501
♪ Put me in, coach ♪
581
00:23:42,501 --> 00:23:46,543
♪ I wanna play baseball ♪
582
00:23:47,834 --> 00:23:49,001
Hey, coach ♪
583
00:23:49,793 --> 00:23:53,126
♪ I don't remember the words of this ♪
584
00:23:53,709 --> 00:23:55,001
♪ Ooh ♪
585
00:23:55,001 --> 00:23:56,584
♪Oh yeah ♪
586
00:23:57,459 --> 00:24:00,709
♪ And we don't have CDs or the Internet ♪
587
00:24:00,709 --> 00:24:03,209
♪ So it's hard to look up song lyrics ♪
588
00:24:04,168 --> 00:24:05,876
♪ But put me in, coach ♪
589
00:24:06,793 --> 00:24:08,209
♪ 'Cause I'm a girl ♪
590
00:24:08,709 --> 00:24:10,084
♪ I've got all the stuff ♪
591
00:24:10,668 --> 00:24:12,043
♪ Ooh ♪
592
00:24:12,043 --> 00:24:13,418
♪ Oh yeah ♪
593
00:24:17,918 --> 00:24:19,459
Baseball, baseball, baseball ♪
594
00:24:20,043 --> 00:24:22,293
♪ Baseball, baseball
Baseball, baseball... ♪
595
00:24:22,293 --> 00:24:23,709
[team cheering]
596
00:24:23,709 --> 00:24:27,084
[Matty] Put me in, coach ♪
597
00:24:27,084 --> 00:24:28,709
[cheering, indistinct chatter]
598
00:24:28,709 --> 00:24:31,293
Aw! All right, two out of three.
599
00:24:31,293 --> 00:24:34,043
We can play all night
'cause my mom invented light bulbs.
600
00:24:35,168 --> 00:24:36,543
[upbeat music playing]
601
00:24:36,543 --> 00:24:37,876
[in girl voice] Girl power!
602
00:24:37,876 --> 00:24:39,126
- Splat!
- [all chuckle]
603
00:24:39,126 --> 00:24:40,668
Baseball!
604
00:24:41,459 --> 00:24:44,668
[whimsical music playing]
605
00:25:40,459 --> 00:25:42,376
[music ends]