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00:00:06,084 --> 00:00:09,959
[somber music plays]
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00:00:09,959 --> 00:00:12,001
[whimsical music playing]
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Hey, it's the Zhao NewsCycle
with me, Vance Barry,
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a retiree with an interest
in his community.
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What's in the funnies, Mr. Barry?
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Family Circus is a real weird one.
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Granddad's a ghost,
and he's watching Mom give Jeffy a bath.
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But the big story today is
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how come the world smells so bad now?
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I call it "the stench," mister.
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Said Grimes.
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She's called that because she's grimy.
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Why else would someone be called that?
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[wind whooshing]
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And now the weather.
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It's about to get stinky!
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[mascot] Rumb! Eeda Staaang!
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[crowd screaming]
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[whooshing]
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Flap harder! You're a bird, right?
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[mascot] I dunno whaiam!
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[theme music playing]
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{\an8}Well, an emergency cabinet meeting.
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{\an8}I haven't been to one of these
since W wanted to show us
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{\an8}how many pretzels
he could fit in his mouth.
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{\an8}Is the emergency about how statistically,
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two people here
are wearing the wrong-sized shoe?
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Yeah, I didn't call this meeting.
Lucy did.
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Huh.
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Guys, we gotta do something
about the stench.
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People hate it, especially that guy, Joel,
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'cause the aliens gave him dog nostrils.
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You'll have to speak up!
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I'm covering my dog nostrils
with my ear hands!
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I said, "I'm sorry that your hands
are now ears!"
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What? Ah, my ear! Ah, the smell!
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The stench is pollution,
and pollution is bad.
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Remember oil spills?
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Pelicans would get so sticky.
You don't even know.
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Oil spills are part of a natural cycle.
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Without them, we'd be
positively overrun with pelicans.
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Just gobbling up all the babies
that the storks drop off.
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Be that as it may,
we have an opportunity here
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to think about clean energy sources,
like wind.
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Oh, really? Wind?
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The thing that brings the stench here.
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The very thing the First Lady's
trying to eradi-micate.
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Why can't you support other women?
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You already played that card.
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Oh, you are, like, obsessed with me.
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Look, this is important.
People are suffering.
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I don't know, Luce.
Is it really our biggest problem?
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'Cause I'm starting to think I'm one
of the people with the wrong shoes on.
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Let's take a look.
I got my Brannock Device right here.
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You know, I'm pleased as punch
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our First Lady has taken an interest
in the issues of the day.
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You mean, besides redecorating?
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Miss Suwan, I've learned my lesson.
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You are no wilting flower,
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and it's high time
you found your calling as a First Lady.
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Well, you know, I do like a cause...
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And you can't think small.
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Just look at Nancy Reagan's
"Just Say No" campaign.
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Oh my gosh.
I forgot people used to be called Nancy.
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And Angelica Van Buren
tried to solve the Italian problem,
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as did Laura Bush.
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And Lucy Suwan will quench the stench!
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Thank you, Mr. LaMarr.
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In before times,
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whenever there was a hurricane
or cancer or a 9/11,
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they'd do a big celebrity concert.
Maybe I could do one of those.
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But are there any celeb--
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A capital idea, Miss Suwan.
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Too perfect for words.
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Hold up. How come Lucy
gets to hang out with the famous people?
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If there's a big important thing to do,
shouldn't the president do it?
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Be patient, sir.
You and I have other fish to fry.
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Literally, or, um, the other thing?
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'Cause when you said I was gonna eat crow,
and then I didn't--
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I'm gonna go find some celebrities.
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The census said Andy Dick
is living under the Key Bridge.
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Well, I believe that was the 2020 census.
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But maybe he's still there.
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Good meeting, everyone.
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[man yelps] Right in the throat!
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Hey, Axie, you going somewhere?
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If I'm going to be stuck on this planet,
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I suppose I should get to know it
and its meat-filled inhabitants.
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I found a guidebook in the gift shop.
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Do you think Madame Tussauds
is still open?
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Yeah, but the Baywatch cast
all melted together.
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It's still hot. It's just... different.
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[panting]
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Tippity-top of the morning, Farrah.
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Well, I was just
at the most useless meeting in history.
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Move over the Munich Agreement.
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And where the hell were you?
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Getting my steps in.
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I wasn't expecting
to have to work on Sunday.
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Sunday? Professor, it's Monday. Right?
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Well... [chuckles]
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...I don't think so.
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But, I mean, the days do blend together.
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It's like, "Wake up, try to find
a safe place to poop, yada yada yada."
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Ugh, I hate that guy.
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Yada yada yada!
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- I don't know what you want!
- Yada!
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But do we really not know the date?
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Oh right, this doesn't work.
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Now my pocket feels weird.
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This is preposterous.
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Look, it's Sunday,
and I'm going to prove it.
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Not if I prove it's Monday first.
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Using actual science,
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not just cute little stories
about the past.
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Oh, it is on.
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This is like Step Up 2: The Streets,
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except we compete with our minds
rather than our teenage dance bodies.
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See you on the brain floor, doctor.
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[Simon panting]
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[whimsical music playing]
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Excuse me.
Do you know if any celebrities live here?
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Well, there's a lady
who knows how to make fire.
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She's kind of a big deal.
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Yeah. Uh, it's just I'm trying to do
a big benefit concert for the stench.
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Oh, that's a great idea.
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I mean, celebrity singing is so powerful.
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Remember that "Fight Song" video
for Hillary Clinton?
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[gasps] That video convinced me
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not to vote for her.
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Are you really doing a benefit
for the stench, Mrs. Hair Lady?
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Yeah, it's, like, my cause.
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Because of the stench,
we can't see the stars at night,
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and it's making the birds fly way too low.
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[goose honks]
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Ouch-a ma facce.
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[chuckles] I guess that's why
it's "duck, duck" and then "goose."
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[all chuckle]
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Even Fabia has to laugh.
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Look, I just wanna help.
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So if anyone out there
knows any alive celebrities--
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Did someone say "huge celebrities"?
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[gasps] Questlove and Weird Al?
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Not anymore.
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00:05:51,459 --> 00:05:54,709
The world has gotten
a little too weird, even for me.
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I'm just Alfred Yankovic now.
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I was at the Kennedy Center Honors
when the attack happened.
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And I was in town
for a friend's bar mitzvah.
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We survived by doing stuff to the aliens.
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I think it was sex?
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Anyway, we'd love to help
'cause the stench stinks.
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[all chuckle]
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This is no time for jokes, Questlove.
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Just let us know what you need,
especially if it's drumming.
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Absolutely, but I won't do parody songs.
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I'll only play polka.
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You're killing me, Yankovic.
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[uplifting music plays]
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[Axatrax]
It does not look like the pictures.
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'Cause of you!
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Go back to Uranus!
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{\an8}Oh very clever.
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{\an8}Well, the joke is on you
because I don't have an anus.
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- I have ten.
- [woman 1] Get out of here, freak!
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{\an8}Would that I could.
I am stuck here, and we all have to...
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{\an8}Ow, my ani!
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- [screeching]
- [dramatic music plays]
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[Matty grunts]
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Damn it.
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One of these things
has gotta open a secret passageway.
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The big story today is the First Lady's
new Quench the Stench initiative.
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People love it, and they love her.
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A poll of me, Vance Barry,
thought she was nice to him.
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You're listening to Zhao News.
"The future is Zhao."
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00:07:03,418 --> 00:07:05,543
Don't forget to like
and follow us on scooters.
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00:07:05,543 --> 00:07:08,168
In other Lucy news, she's doing a concert.
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00:07:08,168 --> 00:07:11,543
But what about the president, right?
What did he do today?
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00:07:11,543 --> 00:07:13,876
I don't know. What is the president doing?
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00:07:13,876 --> 00:07:16,543
Looks like he's just standing there,
being a thirsty little bitch.
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Seriously?
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00:07:17,668 --> 00:07:20,709
You wouldn't even be here to ignore me
if it wasn't for me.
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Remember, I saved Earth?
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00:07:22,918 --> 00:07:24,293
That was like a week ago.
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00:07:24,293 --> 00:07:26,834
This is the news, man, not the olds.
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00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:28,626
Hey, Zhao, get back to work.
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00:07:28,626 --> 00:07:30,293
Sunday's my day off, sir.
187
00:07:30,293 --> 00:07:31,751
But isn't today Thursday?
188
00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:34,834
At my house, every day is Taco Tuesday,
189
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:36,709
'cause I'm living in a Chipotle.
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00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:37,918
[whimsical music plays]
191
00:07:37,918 --> 00:07:40,501
- [door opens]
- I told you I should be doing the stench.
192
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:42,543
Everybody's talking about Lucy,
193
00:07:42,543 --> 00:07:46,418
and all I'm doing
is not finding secret passageways!
194
00:07:46,418 --> 00:07:47,584
Ooh!
195
00:07:47,584 --> 00:07:50,084
{\an8}Come on, open something.
196
00:07:50,084 --> 00:07:52,001
[groans, grunts]
197
00:07:52,001 --> 00:07:53,959
Directamente in the facce.
198
00:07:53,959 --> 00:07:55,126
Sorry, Fabia.
199
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,959
And I told you we had bigger fish to fry.
200
00:07:57,959 --> 00:08:00,334
I don't even like fish
unless there's so much ketchup.
201
00:08:00,334 --> 00:08:03,876
Mr. President, I'm not about to leave you
dangling in the wind
202
00:08:03,876 --> 00:08:06,209
like Mama's dainties upon a clothesline.
203
00:08:06,209 --> 00:08:09,043
Neighborhood boys
peeking over the fence in mute wonder
204
00:08:09,043 --> 00:08:11,501
at all the straps and snaps and lace.
205
00:08:11,501 --> 00:08:12,834
I do have a plan.
206
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,918
You know what God does
when you make a plan?
207
00:08:14,918 --> 00:08:17,084
He makes an ass out of you and me.
208
00:08:17,876 --> 00:08:21,626
I wanted to surprise you with this,
but let's take a little stroll.
209
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:22,543
A stroll?
210
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,751
It's just like a fancy walk, right?
Yeah, I can do that.
211
00:08:24,751 --> 00:08:26,709
[LaMarr]
Well, that's more of a strut, sir.
212
00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:29,126
Okay, now you're sashaying.
Just walk normal.
213
00:08:29,126 --> 00:08:31,168
- [Matty] Well, now I can't.
- [LaMarr] You're overthinking it.
214
00:08:31,168 --> 00:08:33,918
[gentle music playing]
215
00:08:33,918 --> 00:08:37,251
I never thought I'd see
Dr. Farrah Braun in a library.
216
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:40,251
You're on my turf now,
like Chase in Andie's ballet class.
217
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,043
Is that Step Up 2 again?
218
00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:45,043
No, I don't care. But good luck finding
today's date in a history book.
219
00:08:45,043 --> 00:08:48,459
Oh right, I forgot,
science always makes everything better.
220
00:08:48,459 --> 00:08:50,168
Thanks so much for nuclear weapons,
221
00:08:50,168 --> 00:08:52,376
super muscular old guys, and Frankenstein.
222
00:08:52,376 --> 00:08:53,376
Frankenstein's monster?
223
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:55,001
Frankenstein's monster! [groans]
224
00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:56,668
See you on the ice, professor.
225
00:08:56,668 --> 00:08:59,168
If that's a sports reference,
you got the wrong guy.
226
00:08:59,168 --> 00:09:02,793
[rock music playing]
227
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:05,376
♪ Books, reading books ♪
228
00:09:06,543 --> 00:09:10,168
♪ Movies of the mind ♪
229
00:09:10,168 --> 00:09:13,126
{\an8}♪ Words, for example ♪
230
00:09:13,126 --> 00:09:16,626
"Elemental" and "supine" ♪
231
00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:18,418
{\an8}♪ I wrote this song ♪
232
00:09:19,293 --> 00:09:21,043
♪ By reading a book ♪
233
00:09:21,043 --> 00:09:24,043
♪ A book about writing songs ♪
234
00:09:24,043 --> 00:09:25,668
{\an8}♪ Books have stuff ♪
235
00:09:26,918 --> 00:09:28,418
{\an8}♪ You wanna know ♪
236
00:09:28,418 --> 00:09:31,959
{\an8}♪ Like how to sing higher and higher ♪
237
00:09:31,959 --> 00:09:35,418
{\an8}[in high-pitched voice] ♪ And higher ♪
238
00:09:35,418 --> 00:09:37,168
♪ Thank you, books ♪
239
00:09:37,918 --> 00:09:39,084
♪ Books! ♪
240
00:09:39,084 --> 00:09:41,209
[music fades]
241
00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:45,251
[Matty] Okay. What am I looking at?
242
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,876
[LaMarr] It's an oil field, sir.
243
00:09:46,876 --> 00:09:47,834
[Matty] Oh.
244
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:50,043
I do admit,
I may have jumped the gun a bit.
245
00:09:50,043 --> 00:09:54,334
I jumped it like I was astride
my old show pony, Slippery Princess.
246
00:09:54,334 --> 00:09:55,918
But I did this to help you, sir.
247
00:09:55,918 --> 00:09:57,501
The sooner we get the grid back up,
248
00:09:57,501 --> 00:09:59,668
the sooner your constituents
will be driving their cars
249
00:09:59,668 --> 00:10:01,668
and microwaving
their precious Hot Pockets.
250
00:10:02,293 --> 00:10:03,168
[Matty] Hmm.
251
00:10:03,793 --> 00:10:07,084
Where do you even find people
who know how to do oil digging?
252
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:10,376
Oh, one of the military's
more creative plans to defeat the aliens
253
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:12,126
was based on the film Armageddon.
254
00:10:12,126 --> 00:10:14,126
But that movie's about
blowing up an asteroid.
255
00:10:14,126 --> 00:10:17,626
And Space Jam is about basketball.
Mistakes were made.
256
00:10:20,501 --> 00:10:23,668
But make no mistake, sir,
drilling for oil is no mistake.
257
00:10:23,668 --> 00:10:25,209
But what about Lucy?
258
00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:28,293
She, like, hates oil, 'cause pollution.
259
00:10:28,293 --> 00:10:31,751
Sir, oil is natural.
It comes from dinosaur bones.
260
00:10:31,751 --> 00:10:34,668
Why, gasoline is just Velociraptor juice.
261
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:35,668
That's awesome!
262
00:10:35,668 --> 00:10:38,918
And don't you think Lucy will forgive you
when she's blow-drying her hair
263
00:10:38,918 --> 00:10:42,459
with the bones of the creatures
that terrorized our caveman ancestors?
264
00:10:42,459 --> 00:10:44,876
You'll be a hero again, Mr. President.
265
00:10:44,876 --> 00:10:46,959
Okay, let's do a press conference.
266
00:10:46,959 --> 00:10:49,626
Maybe I'll wheel out a Galaga machine
and be like,
267
00:10:49,626 --> 00:10:51,709
"This is useless. Let's break it."
268
00:10:51,709 --> 00:10:52,626
And then be like,
269
00:10:52,626 --> 00:10:53,959
"Oh wait!"
270
00:10:53,959 --> 00:10:57,501
And then I play Galaga all night,
and everyone's, like, going nuts.
271
00:10:57,501 --> 00:10:59,084
A splendid idea.
272
00:10:59,084 --> 00:11:00,959
And we could do that in just a few months.
273
00:11:00,959 --> 00:11:02,709
Months? Oh my God.
274
00:11:02,709 --> 00:11:04,959
Rome was not built in a day, sir.
275
00:11:04,959 --> 00:11:06,668
I actually went to Rome once,
276
00:11:06,668 --> 00:11:10,043
and it didn't appear
to have been built at all. Just a mess.
277
00:11:10,043 --> 00:11:12,834
- [crowd cheering]
- [music playing faintly]
278
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:16,834
Lucy's hanging out with Weird Al
and a twelfth of The Roots? [grunts]
279
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:21,043
Where, I say, where are you going?
280
00:11:21,626 --> 00:11:22,543
[cheering continues]
281
00:11:22,543 --> 00:11:24,293
I wanna thank our performers
282
00:11:24,293 --> 00:11:26,334
Questlove, Alfred Yankovic,
283
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:29,501
and our Frank Caliendo impersonator,
Joey Montecito.
284
00:11:29,501 --> 00:11:31,876
I'm Frank Caliendo.
285
00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:35,043
And your president of these United States,
286
00:11:35,043 --> 00:11:37,209
Matthew Mulligan!
287
00:11:37,209 --> 00:11:39,584
- [Lucy chuckles]
- [imitates gun shots]
288
00:11:39,584 --> 00:11:40,793
What are you doing here?
289
00:11:40,793 --> 00:11:43,459
Luce, you're gonna wanna
go to the hat store, get a hat,
290
00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:45,376
then come back here and hold on to it.
291
00:11:45,376 --> 00:11:46,918
You know I can't do that.
292
00:11:46,918 --> 00:11:49,168
The Gallery Place Lids is full of wolves.
293
00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:52,084
You know, a lot of people
talk about the stench...
294
00:11:52,084 --> 00:11:54,209
And play polka accordion at it.
295
00:11:54,209 --> 00:11:56,834
...but I'm gonna actually
do something about it.
296
00:11:56,834 --> 00:11:59,293
That's right. The Mulligan administration
297
00:11:59,293 --> 00:12:02,168
is gonna get rid of the stench forever.
298
00:12:02,168 --> 00:12:05,418
Now that's what I call a home run.
299
00:12:05,918 --> 00:12:06,751
Catchphrase.
300
00:12:06,751 --> 00:12:07,751
- Yeah!
- [all cheering]
301
00:12:07,751 --> 00:12:08,834
We love you, Matty.
302
00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:10,251
When do we get paid?
303
00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:11,959
[whimsical music plays]
304
00:12:12,459 --> 00:12:15,834
[Axatrax] Greetings. I am a regular human
just like the rest of you humans.
305
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:18,168
- Yeah, you're not a regular person.
- [Axatrax] Uh...
306
00:12:18,168 --> 00:12:21,001
Hey, guess what?
Bill Clinton is alive. I knew it.
307
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:23,001
{\an8}And he's got gorilla hands.
I also knew it.
308
00:12:23,001 --> 00:12:24,584
{\an8}- [Axatrax] Uh, I--
- Oh God, no!
309
00:12:24,584 --> 00:12:25,543
[Axatrax] Don't worry.
310
00:12:25,543 --> 00:12:27,834
- I am not an--
- It's Bill Clinton! Run!
311
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:30,751
{\an8}[Axatrax] I am just trying
to get to know your race!
312
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:33,709
You used that line on me in '98, man.
313
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:34,876
[Axatrax sighs]
314
00:12:34,876 --> 00:12:35,793
{\an8}[rock music playing]
315
00:12:35,793 --> 00:12:38,501
{\an8} I didn't realize ♪
316
00:12:38,501 --> 00:12:40,293
{\an8}♪ That there would be more ♪
317
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:43,126
{\an8}♪ No book can help me now ♪
318
00:12:43,126 --> 00:12:45,168
♪ Oh wait, here's a book ♪
319
00:12:45,709 --> 00:12:47,959
♪ On scatting in rock songs... ♪
320
00:12:47,959 --> 00:12:50,584
[scatting]
321
00:12:51,751 --> 00:12:53,709
♪ Ooh! Ugh! Yeow! ♪
322
00:12:53,709 --> 00:12:55,001
Eureka.
323
00:12:55,584 --> 00:12:58,043
♪ Now the song is over ♪
324
00:12:58,043 --> 00:13:02,334
{\an8}♪ Thank you, books! ♪
325
00:13:02,334 --> 00:13:04,126
[Zhao] The following is a paid ad.
326
00:13:04,126 --> 00:13:07,209
Come see Joey Montecito
tonight at The Comedy Cellar.
327
00:13:07,209 --> 00:13:09,043
Now even deeper underground.
328
00:13:09,043 --> 00:13:10,501
Now back to the news.
329
00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:13,751
Earlier today, the White House said
they'd fix the stench,
330
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:16,043
but hours later, they haven't.
331
00:13:16,043 --> 00:13:18,376
What gives? The people want answers.
332
00:13:18,376 --> 00:13:20,168
Yeah, what gives?
333
00:13:20,168 --> 00:13:22,876
It still smells like butt out here, sir.
334
00:13:22,876 --> 00:13:24,209
- [grunts]
- [glass shatters]
335
00:13:24,209 --> 00:13:27,376
Can I get that back actually?
That was a real nice rock.
336
00:13:27,959 --> 00:13:30,376
- Yeah!
- How is everyone already mad at me?
337
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:33,918
Because you made a promise,
and promises are political suicide.
338
00:13:33,918 --> 00:13:35,918
Look at George Bush's "no new taxes,"
339
00:13:35,918 --> 00:13:38,918
or Millard Fillmore's
"end to the Italian problem."
340
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:42,001
The Italians just walked back from Alaska
like nothing had happened.
341
00:13:42,001 --> 00:13:44,126
What were you even doing at Stench Aid?
342
00:13:44,126 --> 00:13:46,043
Mr. LaMarr said the stench was my thing.
343
00:13:46,043 --> 00:13:48,418
Well, I can't wait that long for oil.
344
00:13:48,418 --> 00:13:50,293
[dramatic music plays]
345
00:13:50,293 --> 00:13:51,459
He's digging for oil.
346
00:13:51,459 --> 00:13:53,209
- You're a mooncalf, sir.
- What?
347
00:13:53,209 --> 00:13:54,793
A mooncalf, I say.
348
00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,793
So, hey, we all screwed up.
349
00:13:56,793 --> 00:13:57,793
When did I screw up?
350
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,751
Maybe when Eve ate that apple?
351
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:03,418
But if we just fix the stench,
all is forgiven, right?
352
00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:07,043
The whole point is that the stench
is a problem that cannot be fixed.
353
00:14:07,043 --> 00:14:08,793
"Well, the world got blowed up."
354
00:14:08,793 --> 00:14:12,001
"I wonder whatever
could be smelling so bad?"
355
00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:13,084
Everything.
356
00:14:13,084 --> 00:14:16,418
Wait, why would you give me
an unsolvable problem in the first place?
357
00:14:16,418 --> 00:14:17,668
You said it was perfect.
358
00:14:17,668 --> 00:14:19,668
Because it's unsolvable.
359
00:14:19,668 --> 00:14:22,543
I was trying, yet again,
to get you out of my hair,
360
00:14:22,543 --> 00:14:23,668
out of the president's ear,
361
00:14:23,668 --> 00:14:26,334
and off organizing
pointless benefit concerts.
362
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,834
There's no money. What were you raising?
363
00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:31,126
I don't know. And I knew it.
364
00:14:31,126 --> 00:14:34,918
You just wanted me out of the way
so I didn't mess with your little plans.
365
00:14:34,918 --> 00:14:37,876
Okay, dude, if you're so smart,
then what are we supposed to do now?
366
00:14:37,876 --> 00:14:39,543
Who's "we," Mr. President?
367
00:14:39,543 --> 00:14:42,001
I want nothing to do
with this here silo fire.
368
00:14:42,001 --> 00:14:43,834
Y'all are on your lonesomes.
369
00:14:43,834 --> 00:14:45,959
Fine. You know what? We don't need you.
370
00:14:45,959 --> 00:14:48,168
Me and Lucy'll figure out how to fix it.
371
00:14:48,168 --> 00:14:50,084
- Yeah.
- [dramatic music plays]
372
00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:55,501
- [Grimes] You suck, Mulligan!
- Yeah, at sucking, Grimes!
373
00:14:56,084 --> 00:14:59,626
I know it's Monday,
and the proof is right...
374
00:15:00,209 --> 00:15:01,126
Ugh.
375
00:15:01,126 --> 00:15:02,876
Stupid stench.
376
00:15:03,626 --> 00:15:05,001
[groans]
377
00:15:05,001 --> 00:15:06,626
- Not again!
- [body thuds]
378
00:15:09,543 --> 00:15:11,834
- I've been expecting you.
- What the hell are you doing here?
379
00:15:11,834 --> 00:15:13,459
Did you look at my notes?
380
00:15:13,459 --> 00:15:14,376
Hardly.
381
00:15:14,376 --> 00:15:15,876
[grunts] My anus!
382
00:15:15,876 --> 00:15:16,876
[groans, exhales]
383
00:15:16,876 --> 00:15:21,293
[groans] No, Farrah,
I'm here because of this.
384
00:15:22,043 --> 00:15:24,251
"The Diary of George Washington."
385
00:15:24,251 --> 00:15:26,959
"If found,
please return to one of my slaves
386
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:28,459
for a large cash reward."
387
00:15:28,459 --> 00:15:30,334
Okay, that's irony, right?
388
00:15:30,334 --> 00:15:31,751
"1797."
389
00:15:31,751 --> 00:15:35,001
"I was lying in a field
after smoking some of Jefferson's hashish
390
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:38,209
when I saw a flash of light
streak across the night sky."
391
00:15:38,209 --> 00:15:40,376
"I really have to stop
getting high so much."
392
00:15:40,376 --> 00:15:43,084
But he wasn't seeing things.
It was a comet.
393
00:15:43,084 --> 00:15:46,793
Hmm. Washington's Comet,
which only appears every 25 years.
394
00:15:46,793 --> 00:15:48,834
Exactly. And in 1997,
395
00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:51,459
the comet was recorded
in Bill Clinton's diary
396
00:15:51,459 --> 00:15:54,418
on the same night
Catherine Bell's character on JAG
397
00:15:54,418 --> 00:15:57,251
{\an8}"fought a guy on a boat
and got real sweaty."
398
00:15:57,251 --> 00:15:59,334
{\an8}And this year, the comet will be visible
399
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,918
{\an8}on the evening of Monday, April 11th.
400
00:16:01,918 --> 00:16:03,668
Which is, of course, tonight.
401
00:16:03,668 --> 00:16:05,543
No, doctor, tonight is Sunday.
402
00:16:05,543 --> 00:16:07,834
So the comet won't appear until tomorrow.
403
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,793
Check for yourself. Because I can't
figure out how to work that thing.
404
00:16:10,793 --> 00:16:13,876
[chuckles] Um, the sky is up, professor.
405
00:16:13,876 --> 00:16:15,959
It was like that when I got here.
406
00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:18,168
- [dramatic sting]
- Son of a bitch.
407
00:16:19,501 --> 00:16:21,918
[LaMarr chuckles]
408
00:16:21,918 --> 00:16:24,668
So according to a scientist,
409
00:16:24,668 --> 00:16:27,251
my oil field is what's causing the stench.
410
00:16:27,251 --> 00:16:30,793
Why, that's richer
than my mama's flizza-flamma pie.
411
00:16:30,793 --> 00:16:33,418
That's not a real thing. I'm dog tired.
412
00:16:33,418 --> 00:16:36,793
This city is built on a swamp, sir.
It's a terrible location.
413
00:16:36,793 --> 00:16:38,876
But thanks to a compromise
with the Southern slave states--
414
00:16:38,876 --> 00:16:41,918
Oh come on. Is everything
always gonna be about that?
415
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:44,418
And not just any swamp. A pluff miasma
416
00:16:44,418 --> 00:16:47,376
full of trapped sulfur gas
from decomposed marine life.
417
00:16:47,376 --> 00:16:50,876
Your drilling is releasing
millennia of noxious fumes.
418
00:16:50,876 --> 00:16:55,126
Oh, good dear sweet Lord and his little
blond baby son, make it stop.
419
00:16:55,126 --> 00:16:57,251
Yeah, I'm afraid it's too late for that.
420
00:16:57,251 --> 00:16:59,334
[dramatic music playing]
421
00:17:01,959 --> 00:17:04,501
[bubbling]
422
00:17:05,084 --> 00:17:06,876
Listen, buddy, you did this,
423
00:17:06,876 --> 00:17:11,001
and when that thing pops,
you're gonna be in a world of... Ugh!
424
00:17:11,001 --> 00:17:13,209
- O Satan, take this away!
- Oh God!
425
00:17:13,209 --> 00:17:15,459
- [Simon] It's in my eyes!
- I give myself to you, Satan!
426
00:17:15,459 --> 00:17:18,043
[Simon] I also swear allegiance
to you, Lord Satan!
427
00:17:18,626 --> 00:17:20,584
The stench is your fault?
428
00:17:20,584 --> 00:17:23,418
Well, sir,
it's your vice president's fault,
429
00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:25,543
and your First Lady's pet project.
430
00:17:25,543 --> 00:17:28,834
So when that big bubble pops,
ain't none of us gonna be clean.
431
00:17:28,834 --> 00:17:31,376
Meemaw's gonna have to hose us off
in the yard.
432
00:17:31,376 --> 00:17:33,668
I told you oil was bad.
433
00:17:33,668 --> 00:17:36,459
Well, you should have shown me.
I'm a visual learner!
434
00:17:36,459 --> 00:17:40,168
Look, there may still be a way
for us to wriggle out of this fix.
435
00:17:40,168 --> 00:17:42,459
Eh, you all know what a hog lagoon is?
436
00:17:43,418 --> 00:17:47,376
Well then, if I may,
allow me to educate you through song.
437
00:17:47,376 --> 00:17:49,001
[upbeat banjo playing]
438
00:17:54,168 --> 00:17:56,043
♪ Hog lagoon, oh hog lagoon ♪
439
00:17:56,043 --> 00:17:57,793
♪ A harvest moon, and my Betty June ♪
440
00:17:57,793 --> 00:17:59,459
♪ Oh hog lagoon, yes, hog lagoon ♪
441
00:17:59,459 --> 00:18:01,876
♪ I'll be home soon, sweet Betty June ♪
442
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,751
♪ Yeehaw! ♪
443
00:18:08,459 --> 00:18:10,209
♪ Hog lagoon, oh hog lagoon ♪
444
00:18:10,209 --> 00:18:11,959
♪ Just play this tune
I'll come to you-- ♪
445
00:18:11,959 --> 00:18:15,501
I'm sorry, is this song
ever gonna tell us what a hog lagoon is?
446
00:18:15,501 --> 00:18:16,918
Not until the later verses.
447
00:18:16,918 --> 00:18:18,876
Now where was I?
448
00:18:18,876 --> 00:18:22,584
♪ Well, at the stroke of noon
I'll be your groom, my Betty June-- ♪
449
00:18:22,584 --> 00:18:24,751
God! What is a hog lagoon?
450
00:18:25,876 --> 00:18:26,834
[sighs]
451
00:18:28,918 --> 00:18:30,001
[clears throat]
452
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,668
It is a large pit
that a pig farmer's obliged to dig
453
00:18:33,668 --> 00:18:36,376
in order to contain the,
pardon my French, Miss Suwan,
454
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,584
waste that is produced by his pigs.
455
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:41,543
Now, eventually all that methane
reaches a sort of critical mass
456
00:18:41,543 --> 00:18:43,334
and, well, explodes... [chuckles]
457
00:18:43,334 --> 00:18:45,376
...much like our little bubble here will.
458
00:18:45,376 --> 00:18:46,918
How the hell does that help us?
459
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:50,293
Well, because folks what live around
hog lagoons don't mind it a lick.
460
00:18:50,293 --> 00:18:54,001
See, they've come to appreciate the fact
those explosions mean a thriving pig farm.
461
00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:56,543
And a thriving pig farm means more jobs,
462
00:18:56,543 --> 00:19:00,168
and more jobs means new, uh,
shovels maybe? Or...
463
00:19:00,168 --> 00:19:01,918
I don't know what those people do.
464
00:19:01,918 --> 00:19:06,293
So we're supposed to make
everyone think the stench is... good?
465
00:19:06,293 --> 00:19:07,376
Seriously?
466
00:19:07,376 --> 00:19:11,043
But you said that giant bubble
was, and I quote,
467
00:19:11,043 --> 00:19:13,876
"fixing to pop, but good, soo-wee!"
468
00:19:13,876 --> 00:19:15,543
Then we've got no time to waste.
469
00:19:15,543 --> 00:19:18,251
We gotta spin this thing and tout suite.
470
00:19:18,251 --> 00:19:21,084
Thankfully, I've got a notion as to how.
471
00:19:21,084 --> 00:19:24,376
Reading? Dude, I'm a tactile learner.
472
00:19:24,959 --> 00:19:26,459
[gentle music playing]
473
00:19:26,459 --> 00:19:28,126
[Axatrax]
Where are you going, fellow humans?
474
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:33,668
Boy, the penis I have sure hurts
just dangling there externally.
475
00:19:33,668 --> 00:19:36,293
Yeah, we know, Clinton. Creep.
476
00:19:36,293 --> 00:19:38,001
We're heading to the big stench party.
477
00:19:38,001 --> 00:19:40,543
Hope they're finally
gonna do something about that smell.
478
00:19:40,543 --> 00:19:41,626
[Axatrax] Smell?
479
00:19:41,626 --> 00:19:45,626
I mean, yes, my man nose senses it. Awful.
480
00:19:45,626 --> 00:19:47,168
Or good?
481
00:19:47,168 --> 00:19:48,376
Hot maybe?
482
00:19:48,376 --> 00:19:49,793
Cowabunga!
483
00:19:51,043 --> 00:19:54,543
Oh, whom am I kidding?
I could never feel at home here.
484
00:19:54,543 --> 00:19:57,209
What are you doing, jackass?
Talking to all your friends?
485
00:19:57,209 --> 00:20:00,293
[Axatrax] On Cardi-B, talking to oneself
is considered very cool.
486
00:20:00,293 --> 00:20:01,834
[Matty] Oh, okay.
487
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,376
[Axatrax sighs]
488
00:20:03,376 --> 00:20:04,668
[dramatic music playing]
489
00:20:04,668 --> 00:20:06,751
[chirping]
490
00:20:08,793 --> 00:20:10,293
[rumbling]
491
00:20:14,209 --> 00:20:17,126
- Welcome to Stench Fest, everybody!
- [crowd cheering]
492
00:20:17,126 --> 00:20:19,668
Hey, Lucy, speaking of the stench,
493
00:20:19,668 --> 00:20:22,043
I heard you learned
a lot about the stench?
494
00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:23,834
I've learned a lot about the stench,
495
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:25,168
and the more I learned,
496
00:20:25,168 --> 00:20:28,959
the more I realized how wrong I was
to wanna get rid of the stench.
497
00:20:28,959 --> 00:20:30,793
[crowd gasps, murmurs]
498
00:20:31,626 --> 00:20:32,793
[sweeping]
499
00:20:35,043 --> 00:20:35,876
[LaMarr grunts]
500
00:20:35,876 --> 00:20:37,084
[Zhao] What's up, Cartwright?
501
00:20:37,084 --> 00:20:40,293
With the press you've been getting,
I was wondering when my phone would ring.
502
00:20:40,293 --> 00:20:42,126
Do you actually have a phone?
503
00:20:42,126 --> 00:20:43,959
No, my pocket feels weird.
504
00:20:43,959 --> 00:20:47,543
Johnny, you know how I respect
the NewsCycle's editorial integrity--
505
00:20:47,543 --> 00:20:50,626
Ooh, the foreplay begins.
506
00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:52,334
I hate it. Skip to the baby-making.
507
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:54,209
Well, if I may, I'd like to suggest
508
00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:57,251
a new angle
on your coverage of the stench.
509
00:20:57,251 --> 00:20:59,876
Oh, LaMarr, you shouldn't have.
510
00:20:59,876 --> 00:21:02,084
You know,
I'm usually the guy giving the bribe.
511
00:21:02,084 --> 00:21:03,793
This is a nice change of pace.
512
00:21:03,793 --> 00:21:05,376
I'm glad you're my friend.
513
00:21:05,376 --> 00:21:07,793
When George Washington first came here,
514
00:21:07,793 --> 00:21:10,709
he said it smelled like
"all the turds in hell,
515
00:21:10,709 --> 00:21:13,209
given life and commanded
by the devil himself
516
00:21:13,209 --> 00:21:16,126
to fill my nose and mouth
with the spirits of the turds
517
00:21:16,126 --> 00:21:17,501
they once were on Earth."
518
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:18,418
That's right.
519
00:21:18,418 --> 00:21:21,501
This is the smell
that George Washington and Paul Bunyan
520
00:21:21,501 --> 00:21:23,793
and, you know, all the other ones smelled.
521
00:21:23,793 --> 00:21:25,751
And if it was good enough for those guys,
522
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:28,251
guys who wrote all that stuff
523
00:21:28,251 --> 00:21:30,418
and did all of those things,
524
00:21:30,418 --> 00:21:32,251
then it's good enough for me.
525
00:21:32,251 --> 00:21:35,168
[all cheering]
526
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:38,251
- [megaphone screeches]
- Editorial! The stench is good now.
527
00:21:38,251 --> 00:21:39,876
Check out how loud I am!
528
00:21:39,876 --> 00:21:42,834
New study reveals stench is history!
529
00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:44,334
[Zhao] No one is louder than me!
530
00:21:44,334 --> 00:21:46,459
You know, I trust the NewsCycle.
531
00:21:46,459 --> 00:21:49,793
It gives us the facts,
but we make up our minds.
532
00:21:49,793 --> 00:21:51,626
I like the stench.
533
00:21:51,626 --> 00:21:52,918
[foreboding music playing]
534
00:21:52,918 --> 00:21:54,834
[Matty] So if we get rid of the stench,
535
00:21:54,834 --> 00:21:57,793
we are getting rid of history.
536
00:21:57,793 --> 00:22:00,543
Me, I like preserving history
so we remember it.
537
00:22:00,543 --> 00:22:03,043
Otherwise, we forget it,
and then it's history.
538
00:22:03,043 --> 00:22:06,001
So... [sighs] ...yes, the stench smells.
539
00:22:06,001 --> 00:22:07,584
But no stench at all?
540
00:22:07,584 --> 00:22:09,626
- That stinks.
- [all cheering]
541
00:22:09,626 --> 00:22:12,543
- Hey, that was my joke.
- Well, hot dog.
542
00:22:12,543 --> 00:22:15,251
Maybe someday somebody
will write a song about this.
543
00:22:15,251 --> 00:22:17,126
You don't have to ask me once.
544
00:22:17,126 --> 00:22:18,293
Not now, Alfred.
545
00:22:18,293 --> 00:22:19,293
[accordion plays]
546
00:22:19,293 --> 00:22:21,834
[cheering continues]
547
00:22:21,834 --> 00:22:23,251
Wait, is that--
548
00:22:23,251 --> 00:22:25,126
[Simon] It's the comet! I was right!
549
00:22:25,126 --> 00:22:27,793
- Wow. Well done, professor.
- [chuckles]
550
00:22:27,793 --> 00:22:30,918
But should we be able to see it
during the day?
551
00:22:30,918 --> 00:22:33,668
No, it must be hitting our atmosphere.
552
00:22:33,668 --> 00:22:35,043
But what altered its...
553
00:22:35,043 --> 00:22:37,501
Oh right, the moon is pretty jacked up.
554
00:22:37,501 --> 00:22:40,293
[dramatic music playing]
555
00:22:40,293 --> 00:22:42,293
Should we maybe scream and run?
556
00:22:42,293 --> 00:22:44,834
No, it'll break up
before it gets anywhere near us.
557
00:22:46,626 --> 00:22:47,459
[heroic music plays]
558
00:22:47,459 --> 00:22:49,001
- [Dr. Braun] Hmm?
- [Simon chuckles]
559
00:22:49,584 --> 00:22:51,043
[crackling]
560
00:22:52,126 --> 00:22:54,376
[dramatic music continues]
561
00:22:54,376 --> 00:22:56,251
Oh, rat farts.
562
00:23:03,668 --> 00:23:05,459
[all cheering]
563
00:23:06,501 --> 00:23:08,084
I love the stench.
564
00:23:10,668 --> 00:23:16,334
[crowd chanting] USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
565
00:23:16,334 --> 00:23:18,626
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. What are you doing?
566
00:23:18,626 --> 00:23:20,209
You had your chance, pal.
567
00:23:20,209 --> 00:23:23,043
And in what world is now the moment?
568
00:23:23,043 --> 00:23:23,959
I don't know!
569
00:23:23,959 --> 00:23:26,251
I went to all-boys schools
through college.
570
00:23:26,251 --> 00:23:28,709
And then you and I had
our Chase and Andie Step Up thing--
571
00:23:28,709 --> 00:23:30,209
One of us had a Step Up thing.
572
00:23:30,209 --> 00:23:31,959
And I had
the sexual thrill of being right.
573
00:23:31,959 --> 00:23:35,418
I'm covered in liquid
prehistoric crab, Simon.
574
00:23:35,418 --> 00:23:37,209
Good Lord!
575
00:23:37,209 --> 00:23:38,126
[sighs]
576
00:23:38,126 --> 00:23:41,751
Sorry I, um, pooched your big thing,
577
00:23:41,751 --> 00:23:44,251
even though it was actually
just LaMarr yanking your chain.
578
00:23:44,251 --> 00:23:47,293
You still shouldn't have pooched it.
Pooching is wrong.
579
00:23:47,293 --> 00:23:49,751
You're lucky things turned out so good.
[gasps] Ah!
580
00:23:49,751 --> 00:23:51,084
Oh my God, it's in my eyes!
581
00:23:51,084 --> 00:23:53,626
Damn you, George Washington!
582
00:23:55,834 --> 00:23:57,459
Could this actually be...
583
00:23:57,459 --> 00:24:00,168
[chews] ...sulfurous pluff?
584
00:24:00,168 --> 00:24:01,918
Earth has sulfurous pluff!
585
00:24:01,918 --> 00:24:04,043
- [chewing continues]
- [whimsical music playing]
586
00:24:04,043 --> 00:24:08,543
Oh, it tastes just like
flizza-flamma pie back home. [chuckles]
587
00:24:09,126 --> 00:24:11,251
Maybe Earth's not all bad.
588
00:24:11,251 --> 00:24:13,834
[chewing continues]
589
00:24:13,834 --> 00:24:17,209
Breaking news!
Bill Clinton eats this stuff, I guess.
590
00:24:17,209 --> 00:24:19,876
Editorial. You're gross, man.
591
00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:21,293
[rock music playing]
592
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:24,126
- ♪ I'm back again ♪
- ♪ Back again ♪
593
00:24:24,126 --> 00:24:26,001
To end this whole thing ♪
594
00:24:26,751 --> 00:24:31,709
♪ 'Cause songs are just great ways
To end stuff ♪
595
00:24:31,709 --> 00:24:40,001
- ♪ Thank you, books ♪
- ♪ Thank you, books ♪
596
00:24:40,001 --> 00:24:44,543
♪ Thank you, books ♪
597
00:24:44,543 --> 00:24:45,459
♪ Yow! ♪
598
00:24:46,043 --> 00:24:49,626
♪ A polka, a polka
I wanna hear a polka ♪
599
00:24:49,626 --> 00:24:52,918
♪ Played by a real loud band ♪
600
00:24:52,918 --> 00:24:56,668
♪ A polka, a polka
I wanna dance a polka ♪
601
00:24:56,668 --> 00:25:00,043
♪ And give the band a hand ♪
602
00:25:00,043 --> 00:25:03,793
♪ A-skippin, a-hopping
I have no time for stopping ♪
603
00:25:03,793 --> 00:25:07,418
♪ Let all the others rest ♪
604
00:25:07,418 --> 00:25:08,959
♪ Of all the polkas ♪
605
00:25:08,959 --> 00:25:13,918
♪ The One-Note Polka
Is the one that I love best ♪
606
00:25:18,543 --> 00:25:20,959
♪ I love that One-Note Polka ♪
607
00:25:25,543 --> 00:25:28,459
♪ Give me that One-Note Polka ♪
608
00:25:32,543 --> 00:25:35,626
{\an8}♪ I'm bouncing like a rubber ball ♪
609
00:25:35,626 --> 00:25:39,126
{\an8}♪ Of all the polkas written
This polka has me smitten ♪
610
00:25:39,126 --> 00:25:45,043
{\an8}- ♪ The One-Note Polka that's all! ♪
- [song ends]