1
00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:13,293
‪(正揚道德玩具工廠)

2
00:00:16,293 --> 00:00:17,418
‪我不想去地球

3
00:00:18,709 --> 00:00:21,459
‪寇曼,派小船來接我

4
00:00:21,459 --> 00:00:23,709
‪寇曼?這裡沒寇曼這個人

5
00:00:23,709 --> 00:00:26,501
‪真好笑,《你整我,我整你》

6
00:00:26,501 --> 00:00:28,501
‪快點,我受夠這個爛國家了

7
00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:30,668
‪只想要沖個澡、穿上睡衣

8
00:00:30,668 --> 00:00:32,876
‪看色情片、開槍打海豚

9
00:00:32,876 --> 00:00:34,834
‪不好意思,你一定找錯遊艇了

10
00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:36,834
‪寇曼,你明知道這艘是我的遊艇

11
00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:38,543
‪我是付你錢的老闆

12
00:00:38,543 --> 00:00:40,418
‪我和這個女人聽說

13
00:00:40,418 --> 00:00:42,501
‪錢現在已經沒屁用了

14
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:43,959
‪滾吧

15
00:00:44,543 --> 00:00:45,751
‪什麼?

16
00:00:45,751 --> 00:00:47,168
‪別走,回來啊

17
00:00:47,168 --> 00:00:49,209
‪我的手錶收藏還在船上耶

18
00:01:02,543 --> 00:01:06,168
‪《罩不住總統》

19
00:01:09,126 --> 00:01:10,501
‪(填滿白板)

20
00:01:11,293 --> 00:01:14,751
{\an8}‪總統先生
‪為什麼我得聽到新聞才知道?

21
00:01:14,751 --> 00:01:17,668
{\an8}‪現在女人比男人多一倍

22
00:01:17,668 --> 00:01:20,418
{\an8}‪但沒人可以取代我的尤菲

23
00:01:20,418 --> 00:01:22,209
{\an8}‪有什麼不好嗎?這樣超爽

24
00:01:22,209 --> 00:01:26,001
‪不對,人口統計並沒有讓我爽

25
00:01:26,001 --> 00:01:27,459
‪只有讓我噁

26
00:01:27,459 --> 00:01:29,209
‪我們男人變弱勢了

27
00:01:29,209 --> 00:01:32,501
‪美國女性會拿這等權力做什麼?

28
00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:33,876
‪想了就發抖

29
00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:35,584
‪現在我在心裡一想

30
00:01:36,751 --> 00:01:38,793
‪抖個不停

31
00:01:39,584 --> 00:01:42,626
‪我有五個姊姊,都叫做梅根

32
00:01:42,626 --> 00:01:44,584
‪只要她們聯合起來,我就慘了

33
00:01:44,584 --> 00:01:48,043
‪我的十歲生日
‪竟然是去少女服飾店偷東西慶祝

34
00:01:48,043 --> 00:01:50,209
‪我明明就想去電玩店偷

35
00:01:50,209 --> 00:01:54,251
‪那你現在想想
‪八百個梅根能對這個國家做什麼事

36
00:01:54,251 --> 00:01:55,418
‪想到就發抖

37
00:01:55,418 --> 00:01:59,043
‪為月經腰帶編聯邦預算
‪在拉什莫爾山雕上乳房

38
00:01:59,043 --> 00:02:03,459
‪我們需要用離間計讓她們無法團結

39
00:02:03,459 --> 00:02:05,543
‪上帝、槍枝、同志是經典

40
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:08,001
‪這在總統辦公室屋頂已留下永恆紀錄

41
00:02:08,001 --> 00:02:09,918
‪抬頭就看得到

42
00:02:09,918 --> 00:02:12,251
‪可以看到耶穌在送火槍給朝聖者

43
00:02:12,251 --> 00:02:15,168
‪打退一整船的男同志

44
00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:17,584
‪這是寓言,旁邊還有一隻恐龍

45
00:02:17,584 --> 00:02:19,459
‪我怎麼從來都沒注意過?

46
00:02:19,459 --> 00:02:21,751
‪要是我們能找對障眼法

47
00:02:21,751 --> 00:02:24,751
‪女人就會忙著內戰

48
00:02:24,751 --> 00:02:27,626
‪沒空干涉我們男人的計畫

49
00:02:27,626 --> 00:02:30,834
‪對,就像我只送一張
‪少男團體的票給梅根她們

50
00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:32,043
‪趁她們互相爭奪時

51
00:02:32,043 --> 00:02:34,084
‪我就溜進她們房間,練習脫胸罩

52
00:02:34,084 --> 00:02:35,543
‪這麼想就對了

53
00:02:35,543 --> 00:02:38,043
‪女人跟烏鴉很像,總統

54
00:02:38,043 --> 00:02:41,584
‪只要獻上閃亮亮的東西
‪她們就會爭個你死我活

55
00:02:41,584 --> 00:02:43,001
‪例如可以給她們

56
00:02:43,001 --> 00:02:44,668
‪郵票

57
00:02:44,668 --> 00:02:47,418
‪他不是在跟妳們鬧著玩

58
00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,001
‪這是來真的

59
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:52,251
‪但顯然只能有一個女人登上郵票版面

60
00:02:52,251 --> 00:02:55,168
‪這真是個天大的光榮

61
00:02:55,168 --> 00:02:58,876
‪天啊,可以在郵票上永流傳耶

62
00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:01,126
‪郵票讓我回憶泉湧而出

63
00:03:01,126 --> 00:03:04,543
‪瑞克詹姆斯是用掛號信開除我的

64
00:03:04,543 --> 00:03:06,001
‪好酷喔

65
00:03:06,001 --> 00:03:07,584
‪我知道我沒受邀參加這場會議

66
00:03:07,584 --> 00:03:09,168
‪不過這可是郵票耶

67
00:03:10,084 --> 00:03:11,584
‪我也算是個集郵家

68
00:03:11,584 --> 00:03:12,751
‪好,我還有正事要做

69
00:03:12,751 --> 00:03:15,251
‪淨化自來水一點進展也沒有

70
00:03:15,251 --> 00:03:17,501
‪所以我在研究霧化迷幻藥

71
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:19,584
‪可以拐騙人們喝下達沙尼

72
00:03:19,584 --> 00:03:22,751
‪大家都很忙,法菈
‪但這件事很重要,而且會很好玩

73
00:03:22,751 --> 00:03:25,251
‪這只是芝麻小事,郵票耶

74
00:03:25,251 --> 00:03:27,918
‪現在連郵局都沒了,只有個女騎士

75
00:03:27,918 --> 00:03:29,918
‪垃圾信來囉,各位

76
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:32,584
‪我帶來希望

77
00:03:34,209 --> 00:03:35,751
‪可以由我幫忙設計

78
00:03:35,751 --> 00:03:38,626
‪設計郵票是我長久以來的興趣,但...

79
00:03:38,626 --> 00:03:40,959
‪杜邦圓環的美術用品店還在嗎?

80
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:42,126
‪我去去就回

81
00:03:42,126 --> 00:03:44,209
‪布朗博士,表象很重要

82
00:03:44,209 --> 00:03:46,668
‪安吉拉佩雷斯巴拉奎在我小時候

83
00:03:46,668 --> 00:03:49,209
‪成為首位亞裔美國小姐

84
00:03:49,209 --> 00:03:50,251
‪那激勵了我...

85
00:03:50,251 --> 00:03:53,626
‪成為選美冠軍?
‪對啦,就多鼓勵女性去選美吧

86
00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:56,084
‪我得回實驗室了

87
00:03:56,084 --> 00:03:59,501
‪我沒辦法全部硬塞
‪尤其是這麼沒意義的事

88
00:03:59,501 --> 00:04:00,626
‪在床上硬塞

89
00:04:03,126 --> 00:04:05,668
‪喂,總統剛說了個笑話,尊重一下

90
00:04:05,668 --> 00:04:08,376
‪對啊,在床上耶,很好笑

91
00:04:08,376 --> 00:04:10,126
‪只是要思考一下才知道笑點

92
00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:11,543
‪不過我現在搞懂了

93
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:16,168
‪真好笑

94
00:04:16,751 --> 00:04:19,959
‪注意,有人是女性嗎?
‪還是認識女性嗎?

95
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:21,543
‪去參加郵票大賽吧

96
00:04:21,543 --> 00:04:22,668
‪接下來是

97
00:04:22,668 --> 00:04:26,543
‪顛簸小路

98
00:04:31,709 --> 00:04:33,459
‪西裝哥,不准亂丟垃圾

99
00:04:33,459 --> 00:04:36,459
‪你以為我想在這嗎?
‪我應該要在我的遊艇上才對

100
00:04:36,459 --> 00:04:37,834
‪船名叫“親我的船啦”

101
00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:40,751
‪我花了一百萬元請人幫我想的

102
00:04:40,751 --> 00:04:42,418
‪所以你沒工作?

103
00:04:42,418 --> 00:04:44,668
‪沒有,這就是我的工作

104
00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:47,126
‪我在燒錢辦公室工作,笨蛋

105
00:04:50,376 --> 00:04:51,751
‪清完你搞的髒亂了嗎?

106
00:04:51,751 --> 00:04:53,751
‪其實這大部分都不是我搞的

107
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:55,709
‪我又不抽薄荷菸

108
00:04:57,376 --> 00:04:59,876
‪我的母星有種東西叫“雜務輪”

109
00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:01,918
‪沒做完雜務的人就會被輪子碾碎

110
00:05:01,918 --> 00:05:03,459
‪你...

111
00:05:03,459 --> 00:05:05,751
‪一路順風喔,下半身再見

112
00:05:09,084 --> 00:05:11,626
‪不錯嘛,這句好笑喔

113
00:05:11,626 --> 00:05:13,501
‪那是你臨時想出來的嗎?

114
00:05:14,709 --> 00:05:16,543
‪對,我剛想出來的

115
00:05:16,543 --> 00:05:18,918
‪多謝你逗我笑

116
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,626
‪喂,把起司放回去

117
00:05:21,709 --> 00:05:23,668
‪因為那不是你的起司

118
00:05:25,584 --> 00:05:27,376
‪先生,你實在妙語如珠

119
00:05:27,376 --> 00:05:28,834
‪對啊,我還蠻快的

120
00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:29,793
‪在床上的時候

121
00:05:32,959 --> 00:05:34,043
‪不過其實不快

122
00:05:38,459 --> 00:05:40,084
‪(達沙尼)

123
00:05:40,084 --> 00:05:41,001
‪不

124
00:05:42,043 --> 00:05:44,793
‪-叩叩叩
‪-太棒了,妳一邊說還一邊敲

125
00:05:45,459 --> 00:05:48,459
‪法菈,親切不只是一個法國城市

126
00:05:48,459 --> 00:05:50,751
‪同時也是一種態度,而妳沒這種態度

127
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:51,668
‪什麼?

128
00:05:51,668 --> 00:05:56,876
‪妳很苛薄,但我不會放棄這段友誼
‪所以我們要兩姊妹一起出去玩

129
00:05:56,876 --> 00:05:58,543
‪我有兩張票,那部劇現在還有演

130
00:05:58,543 --> 00:06:01,126
‪是《安妮》啊,我帶孩子看過了

131
00:06:01,126 --> 00:06:03,584
‪他們在戰後的水準實在一落千丈

132
00:06:03,584 --> 00:06:06,418
‪你的狗啊?牠叫什麼名字?

133
00:06:09,168 --> 00:06:12,334
‪好,我們來看看叫牠有沒有反應

134
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:15,084
‪我們沒必要同為女性就得當朋友

135
00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:17,001
‪我第一次當博士後研究員在90年代...

136
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:18,543
‪我高中時有一堂課在教90年代

137
00:06:18,543 --> 00:06:21,209
‪酷喔,總之實驗室只有另一位女性

138
00:06:21,209 --> 00:06:23,501
‪所以他們當然把我們分在一起

139
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:25,168
‪軍方資助我們

140
00:06:25,168 --> 00:06:27,334
‪研究能不能訓練猴子用火焰噴射器

141
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:31,084
‪日內瓦公約預設戰鬥員是人類

142
00:06:31,084 --> 00:06:32,709
‪有點像《神犬也瘋狂》的情節

143
00:06:32,709 --> 00:06:35,168
‪1997年,那是神犬的最後一部片

144
00:06:35,168 --> 00:06:38,543
‪薇琪是靈長類動物學家
‪我是生物科技神經工程師

145
00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:42,959
‪只因為我們都有兩個X染色體
‪她就以為我們應該要當閨蜜

146
00:06:42,959 --> 00:06:45,584
‪要是她多花點時間工作

147
00:06:45,584 --> 00:06:49,668
‪少花時間閒聊
‪男生社團的猿猴研究是什麼

148
00:06:49,668 --> 00:06:53,918
‪她就會記得要在總統來訪前
‪讓那些黑猩猩便秘

149
00:06:53,918 --> 00:06:55,459
‪天啊,真是的

150
00:06:55,459 --> 00:06:59,501
‪我最後是聽說
‪薇琪在為紐約時報寫科學專欄

151
00:06:59,501 --> 00:07:00,793
‪妳對我是這種看法?

152
00:07:00,793 --> 00:07:03,043
‪我只是個蠢同事?

153
00:07:03,043 --> 00:07:05,043
‪我要說的是,我壓力很大

154
00:07:05,043 --> 00:07:07,376
‪要解決如今世界上所有問題

155
00:07:07,376 --> 00:07:11,084
‪女性友誼可能沒辦法
‪幫我達成任務,抱歉

156
00:07:11,084 --> 00:07:13,376
‪陶德又抓到老鼠做達沙尼實驗了

157
00:07:13,876 --> 00:07:14,751
‪可憐的老鼠

158
00:07:14,751 --> 00:07:17,918
‪但妳如果需要交個女性朋友

159
00:07:17,918 --> 00:07:19,334
‪我們其實不清楚陶德的性別

160
00:07:19,334 --> 00:07:20,668
‪等等,什麼?

161
00:07:21,251 --> 00:07:23,751
‪聲音調變器重新調校?

162
00:07:23,751 --> 00:07:26,001
‪這樣就行了,祝你們早午餐愉快

163
00:07:26,001 --> 00:07:28,918
‪沒問題,我們會一起玩個開心

164
00:07:28,918 --> 00:07:32,501
‪陶德,你的腦子今天好美喔

165
00:07:32,501 --> 00:07:36,084
‪真假?現在濕度這麼高
‪陶德根本沒辦法做造型

166
00:07:37,709 --> 00:07:39,293
‪-有人在嗎?
‪-是誰?

167
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,293
‪-姓巫名嗚
‪-巫嗚?

168
00:07:41,293 --> 00:07:43,043
‪你怎麼在哭?

169
00:07:45,043 --> 00:07:46,459
‪你喜歡數學嗎?

170
00:07:46,459 --> 00:07:47,584
{\an8}‪這是什麼特殊數字?

171
00:07:47,584 --> 00:07:50,376
{\an8}‪人類死亡數的百分之一嗎?

172
00:07:50,376 --> 00:07:52,126
‪大概算是有一點點好笑吧

173
00:07:52,126 --> 00:07:53,751
‪糟糕,上下顛倒了

174
00:07:53,751 --> 00:07:55,084
‪“貧乳”

175
00:07:55,084 --> 00:07:56,459
‪用數字拼出來的耶

176
00:07:56,459 --> 00:07:59,209
‪你簡直就是吉伯苟法

177
00:07:59,209 --> 00:08:02,126
‪他是卡蒂B的喜劇演員
‪他有個段子是太空食物...

178
00:08:02,126 --> 00:08:04,043
‪我其實是剛剛才飛過來的

179
00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:06,126
‪天啊,我的手好痠

180
00:08:07,501 --> 00:08:09,251
‪我超級無厘頭

181
00:08:09,251 --> 00:08:11,126
‪趙先生,你有什麼才能?

182
00:08:11,709 --> 00:08:13,251
‪我經營趙氏企業

183
00:08:13,251 --> 00:08:16,459
‪足球隊、賽馬、狗食、中文網飛

184
00:08:16,459 --> 00:08:20,209
‪好喔,不過我們在整修整座城市

185
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,459
‪你會修火車或水管嗎?

186
00:08:22,459 --> 00:08:24,668
‪這雙手沒做過半天工作,長官

187
00:08:24,668 --> 00:08:27,001
‪我現在好像在跟棉花糖女孩跳舞一樣

188
00:08:27,001 --> 00:08:29,043
‪你知道我是什麼來頭嗎?

189
00:08:29,043 --> 00:08:31,584
‪我是趙強尼,賓大商學院畢業

190
00:08:31,584 --> 00:08:35,084
‪我爸幫我弄去當習主席的實習員工

191
00:08:35,084 --> 00:08:37,293
‪我整個夏天都在審查

192
00:08:37,293 --> 00:08:39,876
‪撤掉網路上所有的小熊維尼圖片

193
00:08:39,876 --> 00:08:41,209
‪他還頒勳章給我

194
00:08:41,209 --> 00:08:44,626
‪習主席,謝謝你,您一點都不像他

195
00:08:45,459 --> 00:08:47,376
‪你是上流人士耶

196
00:08:47,376 --> 00:08:49,543
‪那你應該去上流的地方工作

197
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:53,376
‪我看過這個東西,我的清潔工超愛

198
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:55,251
‪幹嘛拿給我?

199
00:08:55,251 --> 00:08:56,168
‪(絲芙蘭)

200
00:09:00,418 --> 00:09:02,334
‪小心處理嗝肉囊喔

201
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,293
‪什麼東西?

202
00:09:04,459 --> 00:09:05,459
‪你被嗝肉了

203
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,168
‪妳在測試酸鹼值吧?

204
00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:13,334
‪老師在燒死前有教過我們

205
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:15,959
‪妳對科學有興趣?我需要幫手

206
00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:17,626
‪-好啊
‪-流行專欄

207
00:09:17,626 --> 00:09:19,834
‪想要第一夫人那樣的大波浪嗎?

208
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:22,334
‪祕訣是嗝肉囊汁

209
00:09:24,918 --> 00:09:26,834
‪新聞快報!我的椅墊壞掉了

210
00:09:27,751 --> 00:09:29,501
‪我想要露西的大波浪

211
00:09:29,501 --> 00:09:31,543
‪那邊有嗝肉囊

212
00:09:31,543 --> 00:09:34,209
‪-拜託喔
‪-我現在能贏得郵票大賽了

213
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,751
‪強尼,你還沒走啊

214
00:09:38,751 --> 00:09:41,251
‪不過你那個塞滿錢的行李箱呢?

215
00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:42,668
‪被我拿來生火取暖了

216
00:09:42,668 --> 00:09:45,501
‪我從來沒覺得冷過,好可怕

217
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:47,876
‪而且自己擦屁股好噁心

218
00:09:47,876 --> 00:09:50,084
‪你知道那裡會排出什麼嗎?

219
00:09:50,959 --> 00:09:52,251
‪你一定要幫我

220
00:09:52,251 --> 00:09:55,543
‪你那雙棉花糖美手怎麼了?

221
00:09:55,543 --> 00:09:58,709
‪你們的白痴軍隊要我打掃街道

222
00:09:58,709 --> 00:10:01,209
‪酬勞是BBQ醬包和25分錢

223
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:03,834
‪25分錢能幹嘛?就連以前都沒用

224
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:07,793
‪強尼,要是錢還有用
‪你現在就還是金主

225
00:10:07,793 --> 00:10:11,834
‪可以隨你闖進來
‪愛怎麼弄髒我跟辦公室都行

226
00:10:11,834 --> 00:10:14,168
‪不過你現在只是普通人

227
00:10:14,168 --> 00:10:17,084
‪所以政府大概幫不了你

228
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,751
‪你可以給我個爽缺

229
00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:22,834
‪我能當滅亡國家的大使嗎?
‪像是假拿大?

230
00:10:22,834 --> 00:10:25,418
‪我什麼都不會,我讀的是賓大商學院

231
00:10:25,418 --> 00:10:27,918
‪聽著,大家都過得很辛苦

232
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:30,834
‪我昨天才發現世界上多數是女性

233
00:10:30,834 --> 00:10:33,043
‪但我有找媽媽哭訴嗎?沒有嘛

234
00:10:33,043 --> 00:10:36,459
‪我倒牛奶給她、扶她上床
‪然後就上班解決問題

235
00:10:36,459 --> 00:10:37,626
‪你媽還活著?

236
00:10:37,626 --> 00:10:40,668
‪你需要專心學著自己綁鞋帶

237
00:10:40,668 --> 00:10:42,084
‪拜託不要把我扔回去

238
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:43,918
‪我很樂意幫你

239
00:10:43,918 --> 00:10:47,501
‪只要你回到能回報我的地位

240
00:10:47,501 --> 00:10:49,084
‪就連洗手也是兩手互搓嘛

241
00:10:49,084 --> 00:10:50,793
‪這句話對我來講根本沒意義

242
00:10:50,793 --> 00:10:53,168
‪我以前有個專門幫我洗手的人

243
00:10:53,168 --> 00:10:54,501
‪好了,再見

244
00:10:55,418 --> 00:10:59,543
‪感謝各位女士
‪來參加這場重要的郵票大賽

245
00:10:59,543 --> 00:11:01,459
‪雖然贏家只能有一位

246
00:11:01,459 --> 00:11:03,709
‪但輸家會有很多位

247
00:11:03,709 --> 00:11:06,751
‪所以大家不要為這場大賽傷和氣

248
00:11:06,751 --> 00:11:09,001
‪我可不希望妳們互扯頭髮

249
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:13,001
‪好像是在黑色星期五搶特惠商品一樣

250
00:11:13,001 --> 00:11:15,084
‪我要參加郵票大賽

251
00:11:15,084 --> 00:11:17,501
‪妳幹嘛這樣講話?
‪我又不在乎妳要幹嘛

252
00:11:17,501 --> 00:11:19,084
‪可是妳之前說這個比賽很蠢

253
00:11:19,084 --> 00:11:22,084
‪我確定我用的詞是“芝麻小事”

254
00:11:22,084 --> 00:11:27,251
‪露西,但妳覺得這場比賽是花生大事

255
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,751
‪對啊,妳不是有更重要的事要做嗎?

256
00:11:29,751 --> 00:11:33,126
‪我發現為孩子設立好榜樣很重要

257
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:36,001
‪這個榜樣不能只讀過卡戴珊寫的書

258
00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:39,084
‪嚴格來說布羅迪詹納
‪不是卡戴珊家的人

259
00:11:39,084 --> 00:11:41,459
‪看來有人只有外表是書呆子喔

260
00:11:42,959 --> 00:11:44,376
‪拜託別吵了

261
00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:50,626
‪要從眾美女與野獸間選出門面
‪本來就已經夠難了

262
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:52,334
‪我們各種風格都欣賞

263
00:11:52,334 --> 00:11:54,376
‪你們不該根據外貌做決定

264
00:11:54,376 --> 00:11:57,668
‪而是要看長處
‪所以我認為大家該寫篇論文...

265
00:11:57,668 --> 00:12:00,584
‪法菈,這個主意又蠢又不公平

266
00:12:00,584 --> 00:12:03,251
‪聖誕節到了嗎?現場氣氛冷到了冰點

267
00:12:03,251 --> 00:12:05,543
‪文字比賽明顯對布朗博士有利

268
00:12:05,543 --> 00:12:07,793
‪所以大家都該表現自己的專長

269
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:09,209
‪-汪達會唱歌
‪-好

270
00:12:09,209 --> 00:12:11,209
‪我會穿泳裝討論世界和平

271
00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:14,043
‪我會一次灌完一大罐牛奶
‪餿掉的也沒問題

272
00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:16,501
‪所以現在是要全面搞成選美大賽?

273
00:12:16,501 --> 00:12:18,543
‪這個主意很不錯喔

274
00:12:18,543 --> 00:12:22,501
‪我們去商場舉辦吧
‪這樣勝利和丟臉都能公諸於世

275
00:12:22,501 --> 00:12:25,251
‪我們需要男主持人
‪才不會現場只有一片混亂

276
00:12:25,251 --> 00:12:26,793
‪應該要由穆勒根擔任

277
00:12:26,793 --> 00:12:31,084
‪他超搞笑,還用計算機想出笑話...

278
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:35,418
‪別說出來
‪因為我可能會在選美大會上說

279
00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:37,376
‪艾克斯崔,可以私下談談嗎?

280
00:12:37,376 --> 00:12:39,251
‪你們賺到了

281
00:12:39,918 --> 00:12:41,751
‪那些笑話不是你想的?

282
00:12:41,751 --> 00:12:43,293
‪我要收回我的歡笑

283
00:12:43,293 --> 00:12:44,834
‪不行,不能收回

284
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:48,084
‪不過我被你害得要當選美大賽主持人

285
00:12:48,084 --> 00:12:49,501
‪你一定得幫我

286
00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:51,793
‪怎麼幫?我又不懂地球幽默

287
00:12:51,793 --> 00:12:55,293
‪沒錯,不過這裡沒人聽過卡蒂B笑話

288
00:12:55,293 --> 00:12:58,251
‪你想剽竊吉伯苟法的橋段

289
00:12:58,251 --> 00:13:00,584
‪每個洨話都抄起來

290
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:03,959
‪你是在猜“笑話”
‪用我們的語言怎麼講嗎?

291
00:13:03,959 --> 00:13:05,084
‪答案接近嗎?

292
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:06,959
‪很近,不過我幹嘛幫你?

293
00:13:06,959 --> 00:13:08,876
‪因為我知道你的手斷了還會再長

294
00:13:08,876 --> 00:13:09,834
‪我絕對樂意幫忙

295
00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:12,251
‪晨間新聞來囉

296
00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:13,959
‪大家參加郵票選美都穿什麼?

297
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:17,959
‪當地新聞名人文斯巴瑞會穿這樣

298
00:13:17,959 --> 00:13:20,084
‪下一則新聞,我的椅墊還沒修好

299
00:13:20,084 --> 00:13:21,459
‪好痛...

300
00:13:22,126 --> 00:13:23,459
‪讚喔

301
00:13:23,459 --> 00:13:25,293
‪那應該要是我才對

302
00:13:25,293 --> 00:13:26,876
‪我不是指那艘船,是船上的人

303
00:13:26,876 --> 00:13:28,668
‪大學生,快工作

304
00:13:28,668 --> 00:13:30,793
‪妳是來自俄國的哪裡?

305
00:13:33,668 --> 00:13:35,834
‪寇曼,等等我,我來了

306
00:13:41,084 --> 00:13:42,793
‪我沒帶游泳圈

307
00:13:42,793 --> 00:13:45,584
‪我的游泳圈在誰那?

308
00:14:00,793 --> 00:14:02,668
‪席叔叔?你救了我一命

309
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,626
‪但我現在該怎麼做?

310
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,668
‪你什麼都做得到

311
00:14:06,668 --> 00:14:08,334
‪就連什麼都不做也行

312
00:14:09,043 --> 00:14:11,126
‪沒錯,謝謝你,習大大

313
00:14:11,126 --> 00:14:12,876
‪我什麼都做得到

314
00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:17,293
‪我喜歡吃蜂蜜

315
00:14:17,293 --> 00:14:18,209
‪廢話

316
00:14:18,209 --> 00:14:21,209
‪全世界都知道你的這個喜好

317
00:14:21,209 --> 00:14:22,918
‪(郵票大賽)

318
00:14:22,918 --> 00:14:24,334
‪(更衣室)

319
00:14:25,918 --> 00:14:27,584
‪該死,陶德去哪了?

320
00:14:28,584 --> 00:14:30,751
‪-陶德
‪-我們的感情越來越好

321
00:14:32,293 --> 00:14:36,543
‪-你是在幹嘛?
‪-陶德在展現性別

322
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,001
‪陶德想化煙燻妝參加選美

323
00:14:39,001 --> 00:14:41,418
‪這太荒謬了,我要把你變回來

324
00:14:41,418 --> 00:14:44,293
‪不好意思,那是陶德的聲音調變器

325
00:14:44,293 --> 00:14:47,001
‪陶德可以自己選擇要男聲還女聲

326
00:14:47,001 --> 00:14:48,376
‪不對,陶德不能自己選

327
00:14:48,376 --> 00:14:50,501
‪回去實驗室,清理你的腦缸

328
00:14:51,501 --> 00:14:54,334
‪不要,陶德想留下來陪露西

329
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:58,876
‪露西說陶德的腦幹很緊實
‪跟雜誌上一樣

330
00:14:58,876 --> 00:15:01,209
‪是妳自己叫陶德跟我走的

331
00:15:01,209 --> 00:15:03,834
‪反正妳又沒差
‪妳不是不需要朋友嗎?

332
00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:05,501
‪好啦,我跟妳說

333
00:15:05,501 --> 00:15:08,209
‪我知道妳以為這是妳的“地盤”

334
00:15:08,209 --> 00:15:09,126
‪有嗎?

335
00:15:09,126 --> 00:15:11,334
‪不過妳惹到不該惹的科學家了

336
00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:13,668
‪我好怕喔

337
00:15:13,668 --> 00:15:16,668
‪怕也是應該
‪妳知道還有誰是科學家嗎?

338
00:15:16,668 --> 00:15:18,668
‪羅伯特歐本海默

339
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:22,543
‪就是《音速小子》裡的反派

340
00:15:24,584 --> 00:15:26,043
‪離間計

341
00:15:26,043 --> 00:15:28,334
‪雖然在別的時候我最不喜歡

342
00:15:28,334 --> 00:15:30,084
‪但這時卻是我最愛的...

343
00:15:30,626 --> 00:15:32,168
‪隨便叫什麼都好

344
00:15:32,168 --> 00:15:33,876
‪我在對誰講話啊?

345
00:15:33,876 --> 00:15:36,043
‪好啊,露西

346
00:15:36,043 --> 00:15:39,834
‪想嚐嚐會讓妳失禁的音波槍嗎?

347
00:15:39,834 --> 00:15:43,751
‪或是讓妳失禁的電流網?

348
00:15:43,751 --> 00:15:45,376
‪或是瀉氣...

349
00:15:45,376 --> 00:15:47,668
‪天啊,倫斯斐真有病

350
00:15:48,293 --> 00:15:49,501
{\an8}‪(奈米機器人)

351
00:16:01,376 --> 00:16:02,501
‪我有點不舒服

352
00:16:07,418 --> 00:16:10,793
‪我愛吃鼻屎

353
00:16:21,251 --> 00:16:23,043
‪(軍事靈長類學中心)

354
00:16:24,126 --> 00:16:25,626
‪拜託喔,小姐

355
00:16:27,418 --> 00:16:28,334
‪(猿暴計畫)

356
00:16:30,251 --> 00:16:31,084
‪什麼?

357
00:16:31,084 --> 00:16:32,001
‪(鬥女計畫)

358
00:16:33,584 --> 00:16:36,709
‪我們找來兩名女科學家

359
00:16:36,709 --> 00:16:39,501
‪讓她們合作研究這個假造的猿猴計畫

360
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:42,376
‪為了啟動兩位實驗體天生互鬥性

361
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:46,293
‪我們對黑猩猩
‪注射了強力助瀉賀爾蒙

362
00:16:46,293 --> 00:16:49,168
‪實驗體也如預測般開始互相責怪

363
00:16:49,168 --> 00:16:52,168
‪沒道理啊
‪我昨天明明就讓牠們耗盡體力了

364
00:16:52,168 --> 00:16:53,501
‪顯然妳沒有啊

365
00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:57,918
‪說不定牠們壓力爆發
‪是因為妳這個煩躁的臭女人

366
00:16:57,918 --> 00:17:00,626
‪不是香蕉,不是香...該死

367
00:17:00,626 --> 00:17:04,251
‪您也看到了
‪這一點小問題就離間了她們

368
00:17:04,251 --> 00:17:07,251
‪就像我辦公室天花板畫的一樣

369
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:10,001
‪女性就是無法和平相處

370
00:17:10,001 --> 00:17:11,043
‪所以是好消息

371
00:17:11,043 --> 00:17:13,751
‪我們對待女性的方法
‪現在已得到科學背書了

372
00:17:13,751 --> 00:17:16,918
‪天啊,我真的好愛科學

373
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,376
‪好了,美國人民大家好

374
00:17:26,376 --> 00:17:32,418
‪歡迎來票選下一屆郵票小姐

375
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:37,334
‪從我上次去卡德朗星後
‪就沒看過這麼多辣妹了

376
00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:39,668
‪因為他們的30顆太陽都是辣椒

377
00:17:44,376 --> 00:17:45,209
‪話說...

378
00:17:47,584 --> 00:17:50,168
‪太空船上的食物又是怎麼回事

379
00:17:50,168 --> 00:17:53,334
‪那種小包裝馬佐本樹睪丸零食

380
00:17:53,334 --> 00:17:56,418
‪裡面只有五顆睪丸

381
00:17:57,418 --> 00:17:58,376
‪很扯吧?

382
00:17:58,376 --> 00:18:01,459
‪快模仿札克方副總理

383
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,876
‪噓!

384
00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:10,084
‪艾克斯崔,這是怎樣?

385
00:18:10,084 --> 00:18:11,251
‪我被噓爆了

386
00:18:11,251 --> 00:18:14,126
‪-這群觀眾爛透了
‪-我必須讓他們喜歡我

387
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:16,501
‪現在親吻是貨幣吧?

388
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:20,959
‪你為什麼這麼渴求被愛?

389
00:18:20,959 --> 00:18:22,959
‪什麼?哪有,我不需要愛

390
00:18:22,959 --> 00:18:26,126
‪我從小就沒人愛,貧嘴鬼

391
00:18:26,126 --> 00:18:27,834
‪結果也沒長歪啊,媽

392
00:18:28,501 --> 00:18:29,751
‪說說你的母親吧

393
00:18:29,751 --> 00:18:32,126
‪為什麼?她跟別人的母親沒兩樣

394
00:18:32,126 --> 00:18:33,501
‪她是賣場門口接待員

395
00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:35,751
‪所以回家就沒力氣打招呼

396
00:18:35,751 --> 00:18:38,001
‪她用她沒見過面的父親來為我命名

397
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:41,376
‪每隔幾週就會搞失蹤
‪我們會找到她在公車站旁邊哭

398
00:18:41,376 --> 00:18:42,626
‪稀鬆平常啊

399
00:18:42,626 --> 00:18:44,334
‪你是老么吧?

400
00:18:44,334 --> 00:18:46,376
‪天啊,這跟我姊又有什麼關係?

401
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:50,043
‪我曾經整整一年故意不說話
‪就為了試試看會不會有人發現

402
00:18:50,043 --> 00:18:52,376
‪又怎樣?她們沒發現,可以嗎?

403
00:18:52,376 --> 00:18:54,543
‪為什麼要提起這些事?

404
00:18:54,543 --> 00:18:55,834
‪你想要那些觀眾

405
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:59,418
‪給你小時候沒得到的認同

406
00:18:59,418 --> 00:19:01,501
‪人類的情緒竟然這麼複雜

407
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:02,626
‪在床上

408
00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:05,668
‪我有個點子

409
00:19:08,251 --> 00:19:10,959
‪好啊,拉瑪,你要我綁鞋帶?

410
00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,459
‪我就綁給你看

411
00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:16,209
‪我是很想,可惜我只穿
‪瘋狂饒舌歌手設計的無鞋帶休閒鞋

412
00:19:16,209 --> 00:19:17,751
‪你是這裡的員工嗎?

413
00:19:17,751 --> 00:19:20,126
‪我們在幾週前預約了私人課程

414
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:22,543
‪明天是人家的大日子

415
00:19:23,168 --> 00:19:25,334
‪聽著,她腦中卡了一塊太空船碎片

416
00:19:25,334 --> 00:19:27,918
‪每天醒來都以為明天是她的婚禮

417
00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:30,293
‪可以麻煩你幫幫忙嗎?

418
00:19:36,126 --> 00:19:38,543
‪我得為德瑞克變得苗條

419
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:48,168
‪但我從來就沒做過這個夢

420
00:19:48,168 --> 00:19:49,918
‪那個騎士對我說

421
00:19:49,918 --> 00:19:53,668
‪“寶貝,我會讓你住好公寓”

422
00:19:55,293 --> 00:19:58,168
‪太棒了,為陶德209掌聲鼓勵

423
00:19:58,168 --> 00:20:00,584
‪演出《麻雀變鳳凰》的獨白

424
00:20:00,584 --> 00:20:04,126
‪好,現場有外地人嗎?

425
00:20:04,126 --> 00:20:07,709
‪我知道那傢伙不只是外地人
‪還是外星人

426
00:20:09,043 --> 00:20:11,293
‪-好喔
‪-請大家歡迎艾克斯崔

427
00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:15,293
‪真是個怪胎,你們種族真沒魅力

428
00:20:15,293 --> 00:20:18,501
‪天啊,我看不出你是沒有生殖器

429
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:20,834
‪還是你全身都是都是生殖器

430
00:20:21,543 --> 00:20:25,168
‪我的生殖器在後腦,就跟大家一樣

431
00:20:25,168 --> 00:20:28,334
‪這樣另一個外星人就不用看你的臉了

432
00:20:28,334 --> 00:20:31,043
‪我寧願跟ET上床也不要找你

433
00:20:32,084 --> 00:20:35,626
‪你打電話回家,家人接電話會說
‪“沒看過的來電,是誰?”

434
00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:37,209
‪因為你太醜了

435
00:20:38,293 --> 00:20:40,168
‪不過說到醜的相反

436
00:20:40,168 --> 00:20:42,418
‪請掌聲歡迎下一位參賽者

437
00:20:42,418 --> 00:20:44,834
‪我的第一夫人,露西蘇旺

438
00:20:46,418 --> 00:20:47,918
‪等一下,我有話要說

439
00:20:47,918 --> 00:20:49,918
‪不是她,露西超正的

440
00:20:49,918 --> 00:20:51,793
‪-還沒輪到妳啦
‪-就是她

441
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:56,376
‪露西,我們在研究黑猩猩時
‪男人同時也在研究我們

442
00:20:56,376 --> 00:20:58,376
‪我知道,我也去過動物園啦

443
00:20:58,376 --> 00:21:00,501
‪不是,我找到了那篇黑猩猩研究

444
00:21:00,501 --> 00:21:03,751
‪猿暴計畫失敗不是薇琪的錯

445
00:21:03,751 --> 00:21:06,418
‪其他科學家想害我們反目成仇

446
00:21:06,418 --> 00:21:08,501
‪這些男人現在還在幹那種事

447
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,751
‪以上是法菈布朗
‪演出《神偷小猩猩》的獨白,大概吧

448
00:21:11,751 --> 00:21:12,668
‪我錯了

449
00:21:12,668 --> 00:21:14,918
‪這場郵票大賽不只是無聊瑣事

450
00:21:14,918 --> 00:21:17,751
‪而是故意要讓我們無力的陰謀

451
00:21:17,751 --> 00:21:21,668
‪天啊,我親愛的離間計變苦肉計了

452
00:21:21,668 --> 00:21:23,043
‪我沒背三十六計啦

453
00:21:23,043 --> 00:21:25,001
‪妳是個好榜樣

454
00:21:25,001 --> 00:21:26,918
‪因為妳支持其他女性同胞

455
00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:29,918
‪不管她們有多瘋狂

456
00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:31,543
‪應該由妳當郵票門面才對

457
00:21:31,543 --> 00:21:33,001
‪但我不該獨佔版面

458
00:21:33,001 --> 00:21:35,501
‪因為我們團結一心

459
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,501
‪不對,妳們才沒有

460
00:21:37,501 --> 00:21:39,376
‪我應該獨佔郵票版面

461
00:21:39,376 --> 00:21:40,709
‪我恨妳們

462
00:21:40,709 --> 00:21:42,793
‪別管她,我們要團結一條心

463
00:21:42,793 --> 00:21:45,126
‪所以我們要一起上郵票版面

464
00:21:45,126 --> 00:21:46,626
‪城裡所有女人一起來

465
00:21:51,793 --> 00:21:53,709
‪法菈,我找到妳和我了

466
00:21:55,876 --> 00:21:57,251
‪我們都在耶

467
00:21:58,084 --> 00:21:59,709
‪等一下

468
00:22:00,709 --> 00:22:01,543
‪是查克諾禮士

469
00:22:01,543 --> 00:22:04,668
‪拉瑪用我們的臉
‪拼出查克諾禮士郵票

470
00:22:04,668 --> 00:22:06,584
‪《無敵戰將》的那個男的?

471
00:22:07,084 --> 00:22:08,209
‪我看不出來

472
00:22:08,209 --> 00:22:11,501
‪希望這不會打壞妳們慶祝的興頭

473
00:22:11,501 --> 00:22:14,834
‪我才不要頌揚查克諾禮士先生

474
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,293
‪他在有線電視傑出獎慶功宴上
‪給我假電話

475
00:22:17,293 --> 00:22:19,834
‪當女人就是贏不了

476
00:22:19,834 --> 00:22:22,626
‪陶德已經夠混淆了

477
00:22:23,459 --> 00:22:25,543
‪-有道理
‪-嗯

478
00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:33,084
‪謝謝你那天晚上幫我

479
00:22:33,084 --> 00:22:35,168
‪侮辱幽默,全宇宙都喜歡

480
00:22:35,168 --> 00:22:38,793
‪雖然還是無法彌補你炸掉我的星球

481
00:22:38,793 --> 00:22:41,209
‪但我欠你一次人情

482
00:22:42,626 --> 00:22:46,501
‪既然你提起了,我需要一些磁線

483
00:22:47,459 --> 00:22:50,584
‪為我自己打造一架性愛機器人

484
00:22:50,584 --> 00:22:51,501
‪做愛用

485
00:22:51,501 --> 00:22:52,459
‪在床上

486
00:22:53,959 --> 00:22:55,293
‪天啊

487
00:22:55,293 --> 00:22:56,209
‪我還是寶刀未老

488
00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:00,126
‪你們沒等我就舉辦郵票大賽?

489
00:23:00,126 --> 00:23:01,543
‪我很確定你也在場啊

490
00:23:01,543 --> 00:23:03,293
‪我明明就不在

491
00:23:03,293 --> 00:23:05,793
‪動物園猿猴因為我擅自侵入
‪就把我給關了起來

492
00:23:05,793 --> 00:23:08,084
‪牠們在岩溪公園建立了完整社會

493
00:23:08,084 --> 00:23:10,834
‪還有人教牠們使用火焰噴射器

494
00:23:10,834 --> 00:23:12,418
‪天啊

495
00:23:12,418 --> 00:23:14,418
‪查克諾禮士郵票!

496
00:23:19,918 --> 00:23:22,168
‪請聽我們出版人的社論

497
00:23:22,168 --> 00:23:24,751
‪拉瑪副總統很蠢

498
00:23:24,751 --> 00:23:29,209
‪你怎麼會跑去搞新聞?

499
00:23:29,209 --> 00:23:31,168
‪新聞是我的了,卡拉

500
00:23:31,959 --> 00:23:34,459
‪我幫這傢伙裝了新椅墊
‪現在我們是合夥人了

501
00:23:35,209 --> 00:23:38,751
‪你證明了我是對的,強尼
‪我的大門永遠為你敞開

502
00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,834
‪現在請聽政治卡通

503
00:23:40,834 --> 00:23:44,418
‪馬桶有坨大便,大便上面寫著“拉瑪”

504
00:23:45,418 --> 00:23:47,376
‪新聞自由

505
00:23:47,376 --> 00:23:48,376
‪(尼克森保齡球)

506
00:23:52,751 --> 00:23:54,709
‪“不是你的起司”

507
00:23:54,709 --> 00:23:57,501
‪人類比我想的還要有趣

508
00:23:57,501 --> 00:23:59,751
‪要把倖存人類殺光還真可惜

509
00:23:59,751 --> 00:24:01,626
‪-下面的羊死掉怎麼說?
‪-下面羊死了

510
00:24:03,459 --> 00:24:05,001
‪你說你下面癢死了

511
00:24:05,918 --> 00:24:09,459
‪天啊,他完全中招了,真是笨蛋

512
00:24:09,459 --> 00:24:12,043
‪別問別人,這個笑話是我自己想的

513
00:25:02,709 --> 00:25:04,626
‪字幕翻譯:韓仁耀