1
00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:13,251
‪(振阳道德玩具厂)

2
00:00:16,209 --> 00:00:17,418
‪我不想去地球

3
00:00:18,709 --> 00:00:21,459
‪科尔曼 派小艇来接我

4
00:00:21,459 --> 00:00:23,709
‪科尔曼?不 这里没有科尔曼

5
00:00:23,709 --> 00:00:26,501
‪哈哈 很有趣 《颠倒乾坤》

6
00:00:26,501 --> 00:00:28,459
‪快点 我受够了这个愚蠢的国家

7
00:00:28,459 --> 00:00:30,626
‪我只想洗个澡 换上睡衣

8
00:00:30,626 --> 00:00:32,876
‪打开色情片 射杀几只海豚

9
00:00:32,876 --> 00:00:34,834
‪不好意思 你肯定是找错游艇了

10
00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:36,793
‪你知道那是我的游艇 科尔曼

11
00:00:36,793 --> 00:00:38,543
‪是我付钱给你的

12
00:00:38,543 --> 00:00:40,418
‪据我和妹子们所知

13
00:00:40,418 --> 00:00:42,501
‪钱已经不顶用了

14
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:43,959
‪走吧 伙计

15
00:00:43,959 --> 00:00:45,334
‪什么?

16
00:00:45,834 --> 00:00:47,168
‪不 回来!

17
00:00:47,168 --> 00:00:49,209
‪我的手表收藏在上面!

18
00:01:02,543 --> 00:01:06,168
‪穆里根

19
00:01:09,126 --> 00:01:10,501
‪(填满白板)

20
00:01:11,209 --> 00:01:14,668
{\an8}‪总统先生
‪为什么我要在新闻里听到这个消息?

21
00:01:14,668 --> 00:01:17,668
{\an8}‪现在女人的数量是男人的两倍

22
00:01:17,668 --> 00:01:20,376
{\an8}‪但没人能取代我的欧菲

23
00:01:20,376 --> 00:01:22,209
{\an8}‪有什么问题?这很棒

24
00:01:22,209 --> 00:01:26,001
‪不 先生 我们新的人口统计数据
‪并没有让我感到震惊

25
00:01:26,001 --> 00:01:27,459
‪而是让我很忧心

26
00:01:27,459 --> 00:01:29,209
‪我们男人的数量太少了

27
00:01:29,209 --> 00:01:32,459
‪美国的女性群体
‪会如何使用这种力量?

28
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:33,793
‪我不寒而栗

29
00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:35,584
‪现在一想到这个

30
00:01:36,668 --> 00:01:38,793
‪就觉得事态严重

31
00:01:39,543 --> 00:01:42,584
‪是的 成长过程中
‪我有五个姐妹都叫梅根

32
00:01:42,584 --> 00:01:44,543
‪如果她们联合起来 我就完蛋了

33
00:01:44,543 --> 00:01:48,043
‪我们十岁生日的时候
‪去利米特商店里偷东西

34
00:01:48,043 --> 00:01:50,209
‪我想去游戏商店偷东西的

35
00:01:50,209 --> 00:01:54,251
‪好吧 现在想想
‪800个梅根能对国家造成怎样的影响

36
00:01:54,251 --> 00:01:55,418
‪我不寒而栗

37
00:01:55,418 --> 00:01:57,501
‪联邦政府为月经带

38
00:01:57,501 --> 00:02:01,751
‪和拉什莫尔上的胸部筹款
‪不 我们要做的

39
00:02:01,751 --> 00:02:03,418
‪是阻止她们团结起来

40
00:02:03,418 --> 00:02:05,543
‪上帝、枪和同性恋都是惯用借口

41
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:09,918
‪就像椭圆办公室天花板上的画作
‪一样永恒 如果你愿意抬头看的话

42
00:02:09,918 --> 00:02:12,251
‪你会看到耶稣给朝圣者发毛瑟枪

43
00:02:12,251 --> 00:02:15,168
‪来阻击一艘
‪装满奥斯卡王尔德作品的船只

44
00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:17,584
‪很有讽刺意味 还有一只恐龙

45
00:02:17,584 --> 00:02:19,459
‪我怎么没注意到?

46
00:02:19,459 --> 00:02:21,709
‪如果我们能找到正确的方法
‪分散人们注意力

47
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:24,751
‪那些爱发情的女性选民
‪就会忙于相互争斗

48
00:02:24,751 --> 00:02:27,626
‪不会来干涉我们男人的计划

49
00:02:27,626 --> 00:02:30,751
‪对 比如我会给梅根们一张
‪“街头顽童合唱团”的门票

50
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,043
‪趁她们争吵不休时

51
00:02:32,043 --> 00:02:34,084
‪我会偷偷溜进她们的房间
‪练习解胸罩

52
00:02:34,084 --> 00:02:38,043
‪现在你上道了
‪女人很像乌鸦 总统先生

53
00:02:38,043 --> 00:02:41,584
‪你给她们闪闪发光的东西
‪她们会争个头破血流

54
00:02:41,584 --> 00:02:44,668
‪像是邮票之类的东西

55
00:02:44,668 --> 00:02:47,418
‪他不是在耍你们 姑娘们

56
00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,001
‪这是真的

57
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:52,168
‪但显然只有一个女人的照片能印上去

58
00:02:52,168 --> 00:02:55,168
‪这份荣誉是多么的荣幸啊

59
00:02:55,168 --> 00:02:58,876
‪天啊 想象一下形象印在邮票上
‪就像那个词“永恒”

60
00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:01,043
‪天啊 邮票能让我重回职场

61
00:03:01,043 --> 00:03:04,459
‪里克詹姆斯用挂号信解雇了我

62
00:03:04,459 --> 00:03:06,001
‪这太酷了

63
00:03:06,001 --> 00:03:09,168
‪我知道我没受邀参加这次会议
‪但是邮票哎!

64
00:03:10,043 --> 00:03:11,501
‪我是集邮家

65
00:03:11,501 --> 00:03:12,751
‪好吧 我还有工作要做

66
00:03:12,751 --> 00:03:15,209
‪我没能净化饮用水

67
00:03:15,209 --> 00:03:17,418
‪所以我在研究一种雾化迷幻剂

68
00:03:17,418 --> 00:03:19,584
‪能骗人们喝Dasani矿泉水

69
00:03:19,584 --> 00:03:22,751
‪我们都很忙 法拉
‪但这很重要 而且会很有趣

70
00:03:22,751 --> 00:03:25,209
‪这轻浮又无趣 邮票?

71
00:03:25,209 --> 00:03:27,918
‪连邮局都没有
‪只有那个骑马的女士

72
00:03:27,918 --> 00:03:29,918
‪优惠券 公民们!

73
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:32,584
‪我带来希望!

74
00:03:34,209 --> 00:03:35,751
‪也许我可以帮忙设计!

75
00:03:35,751 --> 00:03:38,543
‪设计邮票一直是我的爱好 但是...

76
00:03:38,543 --> 00:03:40,918
‪那个杜邦环岛的艺术品商店
‪幸存下来了吗?

77
00:03:40,918 --> 00:03:42,126
‪我马上回来

78
00:03:42,126 --> 00:03:44,126
‪代表很重要 布朗博士

79
00:03:44,126 --> 00:03:46,668
‪当我还是个小女孩时
‪安吉拉佩雷斯巴拉基奥

80
00:03:46,668 --> 00:03:50,168
‪成了第一个荣获“美国小姐”头衔的
‪亚裔美国人 那给了我很大激励...

81
00:03:50,168 --> 00:03:53,626
‪做选美皇后?
‪是的 我们应该多多鼓励

82
00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:56,084
‪我得回实验室了

83
00:03:56,084 --> 00:03:59,501
‪我没时间忙活其他的了
‪尤其是这么没意义的事

84
00:03:59,501 --> 00:04:00,626
‪在床上忙活

85
00:04:03,126 --> 00:04:05,668
‪嘿 总统刚刚开了个玩笑
‪有点眼力见

86
00:04:05,668 --> 00:04:08,334
‪当然了 先生 床上忙活 真好笑

87
00:04:08,334 --> 00:04:10,126
‪这笑话有点绕

88
00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:11,543
‪但我现在听懂了...

89
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:16,168
‪真好笑!

90
00:04:16,751 --> 00:04:19,876
‪嘿 老乡们 你是女士吗
‪或者是认识女士?

91
00:04:19,876 --> 00:04:21,543
‪快来参加邮票比赛!

92
00:04:21,543 --> 00:04:26,543
‪接下来是一条崎岖的路

93
00:04:31,668 --> 00:04:33,418
‪嘿 西装男 不要逗留!

94
00:04:33,418 --> 00:04:36,459
‪你觉得我想来这里吗?
‪我应该在我的游艇上

95
00:04:36,459 --> 00:04:37,751
‪它叫“去你妈的船”

96
00:04:37,751 --> 00:04:40,751
‪我付了一百万美元让人安排了那艘船

97
00:04:40,751 --> 00:04:42,418
‪所以你没有工作?

98
00:04:42,418 --> 00:04:44,668
‪不 这就是我的工作

99
00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:47,126
‪我是烧钱办公室的 白痴

100
00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:53,751
‪-快收拾好了?
‪-大部分垃圾不是我的

101
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:55,709
‪我不抽库斯香烟

102
00:04:57,376 --> 00:04:59,876
‪在我的星球上
‪我们有一个叫做家务轮的东西

103
00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:02,501
‪它会压扁那些
‪没有完成家务的人 你...

104
00:05:03,543 --> 00:05:05,751
‪祝你旅途愉快 下次摔倒时见

105
00:05:09,001 --> 00:05:11,626
‪好吧 太好笑了

106
00:05:11,626 --> 00:05:13,501
‪这是你刚想出来的吗?

107
00:05:14,626 --> 00:05:16,543
‪是的 我刚想到的

108
00:05:16,543 --> 00:05:18,834
‪谢谢你把我逗笑了

109
00:05:18,834 --> 00:05:20,626
‪嘿 把奶酪放回去

110
00:05:21,709 --> 00:05:23,668
‪因为那是“不准吃”干酪

111
00:05:25,501 --> 00:05:27,376
‪总统先生 你简直火力全开

112
00:05:27,376 --> 00:05:29,751
‪是啊 我脑子转得很快 在床上也是

113
00:05:33,001 --> 00:05:34,043
‪但其实不是

114
00:05:38,459 --> 00:05:40,084
‪(Dasani矿泉水)

115
00:05:40,084 --> 00:05:41,001
‪不!

116
00:05:42,001 --> 00:05:44,793
‪-咚咚咚
‪-太好了 你说到做到了

117
00:05:45,418 --> 00:05:48,418
‪你知道吗 法拉?
‪尼斯不只是法国的城市

118
00:05:48,418 --> 00:05:50,751
‪你也可以变得友好
‪而不是像现在这样

119
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:51,668
‪什么?

120
00:05:51,668 --> 00:05:54,668
‪你很刻薄 但我不会放弃我们的友谊

121
00:05:54,668 --> 00:05:56,876
‪所以我们今天要“女生出街”

122
00:05:56,876 --> 00:05:58,543
‪我拿到了还在热映的戏剧的票

123
00:05:58,543 --> 00:06:01,043
‪哦 是《安妮》
‪我带我的孩子们看过了

124
00:06:01,043 --> 00:06:03,584
‪事后想想那片子的逻辑很不合理

125
00:06:03,584 --> 00:06:06,418
‪你的狗?它叫什么名字?

126
00:06:09,168 --> 00:06:12,334
‪好吧 让我们看看
‪它是否会回应它的名字

127
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:15,043
‪我们不必因为我们都是女人
‪就非要交朋友

128
00:06:15,043 --> 00:06:17,001
‪我90年代的第一份博士后奖学金

129
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:18,543
‪我高中上过一堂90年代的课

130
00:06:18,543 --> 00:06:21,209
‪真棒 言归正传 当时实验室里除了我
‪只有一个女性

131
00:06:21,209 --> 00:06:23,501
‪所以理所当然地我们被分到了一组

132
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:25,168
‪我们从军方那里得到了资金

133
00:06:25,168 --> 00:06:27,334
‪看看能否训练大猩猩使用火焰喷射器

134
00:06:27,334 --> 00:06:31,084
‪《日内瓦公约》预设了
‪战斗人员都是人类

135
00:06:31,084 --> 00:06:32,709
‪跟《飞狗巴迪》有点像

136
00:06:32,709 --> 00:06:35,084
‪1997年 飞狗巴迪
‪是它最后扮演的角色

137
00:06:35,084 --> 00:06:38,543
‪薇琪是灵长类动物学家
‪我是生物技术神经工程师

138
00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:42,959
‪但因为我们都有两个X染色体
‪她认为我们应该做闺蜜

139
00:06:42,959 --> 00:06:45,584
‪或许如果她多花点时间在工作上

140
00:06:45,584 --> 00:06:49,584
‪少花时间跟我攀谈
‪男孩俱乐部的人猿研究

141
00:06:49,584 --> 00:06:52,251
‪她会记得在总统来访之前

142
00:06:52,251 --> 00:06:53,918
‪让猩猩便秘

143
00:06:53,918 --> 00:06:55,459
‪天啊 真是的

144
00:06:55,459 --> 00:06:58,084
‪我最后一次听到薇琪的消息
‪她在为《纽约时报》

145
00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,418
‪写“科学版”

146
00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:00,709
‪你就是这么看我的?

147
00:07:00,709 --> 00:07:03,043
‪我只是个愚蠢的工作上的熟人?

148
00:07:03,043 --> 00:07:05,126
‪我只是想说 我现在压力很大

149
00:07:05,126 --> 00:07:07,376
‪我要修复这个世界

150
00:07:07,376 --> 00:07:11,001
‪我不确定女性友谊
‪对此有什么帮助 抱歉

151
00:07:11,001 --> 00:07:14,751
‪托德为Dasani矿泉水抓了更多老鼠
‪可怜的老鼠

152
00:07:14,751 --> 00:07:17,418
‪但如果你需要一个女人做朋友

153
00:07:17,418 --> 00:07:19,334
‪我们并不知道托德的性别

154
00:07:19,334 --> 00:07:20,668
‪等等 什么?

155
00:07:20,668 --> 00:07:23,751
‪语音调制器重新校准?

156
00:07:23,751 --> 00:07:26,001
‪好了 祝你早午餐愉快

157
00:07:26,001 --> 00:07:28,918
‪好吧 我们会的
‪我们会玩得很开心

158
00:07:28,918 --> 00:07:32,501
‪托德 你的脑袋今天真好看

159
00:07:32,501 --> 00:07:36,084
‪真的吗?托德在这么潮湿的环境下
‪什么都做不了

160
00:07:37,668 --> 00:07:39,293
‪-敲敲门
‪-是谁?

161
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,293
‪-咚
‪-咚?谁?

162
00:07:41,293 --> 00:07:43,043
‪你怎么哭了 兄弟?

163
00:07:45,043 --> 00:07:46,459
‪嘿 你喜欢数学吗?

164
00:07:46,459 --> 00:07:47,584
{\an8}‪这是数字是什么?

165
00:07:47,584 --> 00:07:50,293
{\an8}‪人类死亡人数的百分之一?

166
00:07:50,293 --> 00:07:53,751
‪-我觉得这很有趣
‪-糟糕 拿倒了

167
00:07:53,751 --> 00:07:55,084
‪“没胸”

168
00:07:55,084 --> 00:07:56,459
‪没数字了

169
00:07:56,459 --> 00:07:59,126
‪你简直是吉伯戈法

170
00:07:59,126 --> 00:08:02,126
‪他是卡迪B星的喜剧演员
‪他在太空飞船上刚演过...

171
00:08:02,126 --> 00:08:06,126
‪我其实刚从那儿回来 胳膊酸死我了

172
00:08:07,501 --> 00:08:09,251
‪我太有创意了

173
00:08:09,251 --> 00:08:11,126
‪那你有什么技能 赵先生?

174
00:08:11,709 --> 00:08:13,251
‪我经营赵氏企业

175
00:08:13,251 --> 00:08:16,459
‪足球队 赛马 狗食 中国网飞

176
00:08:16,459 --> 00:08:20,168
‪好酷 但我们在修复整个城市

177
00:08:20,168 --> 00:08:22,376
‪你懂火车或水管吗?

178
00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,626
‪这双手一天活都没干过 先生

179
00:08:24,626 --> 00:08:27,001
‪我觉得我在和一个
‪棉花糖做的女人跳舞

180
00:08:27,001 --> 00:08:29,043
‪你知道我是谁吗?

181
00:08:29,043 --> 00:08:31,543
‪我是赵强尼 我毕业于沃顿商学院

182
00:08:31,543 --> 00:08:35,001
‪我爸爸托关系 让我跟习主席实习

183
00:08:35,001 --> 00:08:37,293
‪我整个夏天都在审核

184
00:08:37,293 --> 00:08:39,834
‪网络上维尼熊的照片

185
00:08:39,834 --> 00:08:41,209
‪他给了我一枚勋章

186
00:08:41,209 --> 00:08:44,626
‪(习主席 谢谢您
‪您一点都不像它)

187
00:08:45,459 --> 00:08:47,376
‪哦 你是上流人士哎

188
00:08:47,376 --> 00:08:49,543
‪那你应该去上流地方工作

189
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:53,376
‪我以前见过
‪我的清洁女工很喜欢这些东西

190
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:55,251
‪你为什么给我?

191
00:08:55,251 --> 00:08:56,209
‪(丝芙兰公司)

192
00:09:00,418 --> 00:09:02,334
‪小心处理球囊

193
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,293
‪什么?

194
00:09:04,459 --> 00:09:05,459
‪你被喷了一身!

195
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,168
‪你在测试酸碱值吧?

196
00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:13,334
‪我们在学校学过
‪在我老师被烧死之前

197
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:15,876
‪你对科学感兴趣吗?我需要帮助

198
00:09:15,876 --> 00:09:17,501
‪-当然
‪-时尚版

199
00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:19,834
‪想像我们的第一夫人一样
‪有飘逸的秀发?

200
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:22,334
‪秘诀是球囊汁

201
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:26,834
‪突发新闻!我的座椅坏了!

202
00:09:27,751 --> 00:09:31,543
‪-我要像露西那样的秀发
‪-那边有个球囊

203
00:09:31,543 --> 00:09:34,209
‪-拜托
‪-现在我要赢得邮票比赛了

204
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,751
‪强尼 你还在这里

205
00:09:38,751 --> 00:09:41,251
‪但你的朋友呢 装满钱的行李箱?

206
00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:42,668
‪我烧掉它为了取暖

207
00:09:42,668 --> 00:09:45,418
‪我没有被冻着过 太可怕了

208
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,876
‪自己擦屁股也太恶心了

209
00:09:47,876 --> 00:09:50,084
‪你知道什么东西会出来吗?

210
00:09:50,918 --> 00:09:52,251
‪你得帮我 伙计

211
00:09:52,251 --> 00:09:55,543
‪你漂亮的棉花糖女士般的手怎么了?

212
00:09:55,543 --> 00:09:58,668
‪你愚蠢的军队让我清理你愚蠢的街道

213
00:09:58,668 --> 00:10:01,209
‪我得到的报酬只有烧烤酱包
‪和一枚25美分硬币

214
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:03,834
‪我要25美分做什么?哪怕是以前?

215
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:07,793
‪强尼 如果钱仍然好用
‪你仍然是捐赠者

216
00:10:07,793 --> 00:10:11,834
‪你可以闯入这里 以任何你认为
‪合适的方式亵渎我和我的办公室

217
00:10:11,834 --> 00:10:14,168
‪但你现在只是个普通人

218
00:10:14,168 --> 00:10:17,084
‪我不知道政府要怎么帮你

219
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,709
‪你可以给我一份轻松的工作

220
00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:22,834
‪我能当某个被炸掉的国家的大使吗
‪比如嘎拿大?

221
00:10:22,834 --> 00:10:25,418
‪我什么都不知道
‪我毕业于沃顿商学院

222
00:10:25,418 --> 00:10:27,876
‪听着 我们都过得很辛苦

223
00:10:27,876 --> 00:10:30,834
‪我昨天发现世界上大部分人都是女性

224
00:10:30,834 --> 00:10:33,043
‪但我去找妈妈哭了吗?没有

225
00:10:33,043 --> 00:10:36,459
‪我给了她牛奶 让她上床
‪然后去解决问题

226
00:10:36,459 --> 00:10:37,543
‪你母亲还活着?

227
00:10:37,543 --> 00:10:40,668
‪你要振作起来

228
00:10:40,668 --> 00:10:43,918
‪-拜托别让我回去
‪-我很乐意帮你

229
00:10:43,918 --> 00:10:47,418
‪只要你能再次帮助我
‪占据一个能回报你的位子

230
00:10:47,418 --> 00:10:49,084
‪一只手洗另一只手

231
00:10:49,084 --> 00:10:50,751
‪那对我没有任何意义

232
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:53,168
‪我有个负责洗手的男人
‪就住在我家水槽里

233
00:10:53,168 --> 00:10:54,501
‪好的 再见

234
00:10:55,418 --> 00:10:59,543
‪女士们 谢谢你们来
‪参加这个非常重要的邮票活动

235
00:10:59,543 --> 00:11:01,459
‪现在只能有一个赢家

236
00:11:01,459 --> 00:11:03,709
‪和很多很多输家

237
00:11:03,709 --> 00:11:06,751
‪所以不要让这场比赛
‪在你们之间产生不和

238
00:11:06,751 --> 00:11:09,001
‪我不想看到你们在我面前
‪撕扯彼此的假发

239
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:13,001
‪就像我拥有的那家商场
‪黑五打折时的情景

240
00:11:13,001 --> 00:11:15,084
‪我会参加邮票大赛

241
00:11:15,084 --> 00:11:17,501
‪你为什么这么说?
‪贱人 我不知道你的生活

242
00:11:17,501 --> 00:11:19,084
‪但你说这个活动很蠢

243
00:11:19,084 --> 00:11:21,959
‪我相信她用的是“无趣”和“轻浮”

244
00:11:21,959 --> 00:11:27,209
‪但是 露西 你觉得这东西无趣且轻浮

245
00:11:27,209 --> 00:11:29,751
‪是啊 我以为你还有更重要的事要做

246
00:11:29,751 --> 00:11:33,126
‪我意识到给孩子一个好榜样很重要

247
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:36,001
‪一个读过不是卡戴珊家族写的书的人

248
00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:39,084
‪严格来说
‪布洛迪詹纳不是卡戴珊家的

249
00:11:39,084 --> 00:11:41,459
‪我想这里有人看起来像个图书管理员

250
00:11:42,959 --> 00:11:44,376
‪女士们 拜托

251
00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:47,459
‪从这些可爱和丑陋的面孔中

252
00:11:47,459 --> 00:11:50,584
‪选出邮票女郎已经很难了

253
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,334
‪我们对所有人一视同仁

254
00:11:52,334 --> 00:11:54,376
‪你不应该根据外表做决定

255
00:11:54,376 --> 00:11:57,668
‪应该以美德为基础
‪所以我觉得我们都写一篇论文...

256
00:11:57,668 --> 00:12:00,584
‪法拉 这个主意又蠢又不公平

257
00:12:00,584 --> 00:12:03,293
‪这是提前过节了吗?
‪因为我看到有人“亮爪子”了

258
00:12:03,293 --> 00:12:05,543
‪显然 文字比赛对布朗博士有利

259
00:12:05,543 --> 00:12:07,709
‪我们都应该展示自己最擅长的

260
00:12:07,709 --> 00:12:09,209
‪-旺达会唱歌
‪-好

261
00:12:09,209 --> 00:12:11,209
‪我可以穿着泳衣谈论世界和平

262
00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:14,043
‪我可以喝一加仑牛奶 过期的也行

263
00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:16,501
‪现在这变成了一场盛大的选美比赛?

264
00:12:16,501 --> 00:12:18,543
‪我觉得这是个好主意

265
00:12:18,543 --> 00:12:22,501
‪我们会在商场比赛
‪这样胜利和耻辱都会公开

266
00:12:22,501 --> 00:12:25,251
‪我们需要一位男性主持人
‪免得现场出现混乱

267
00:12:25,251 --> 00:12:26,793
‪应该由穆里根总统来主持

268
00:12:26,793 --> 00:12:31,084
‪他很搞笑 他在计算器上
‪想出了一个笑话...

269
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:35,418
‪别说出来 因为我可能会在
‪选美比赛时用上那个笑话

270
00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:37,376
‪艾克斯崔 我能和你谈谈吗?

271
00:12:37,376 --> 00:12:39,251
‪你们要大饱耳福了

272
00:12:39,918 --> 00:12:41,751
‪那些笑话不是你想出来的?

273
00:12:41,751 --> 00:12:44,793
‪-我收回我的笑声
‪-不行 不能收回

274
00:12:44,793 --> 00:12:48,084
‪但现在多亏了你
‪我要主持一场选美比赛

275
00:12:48,084 --> 00:12:51,793
‪-你得帮我 小艾
‪-怎么帮?我显然不懂地球的幽默

276
00:12:51,793 --> 00:12:55,293
‪没错 但这里没人懂卡迪B星球的笑话

277
00:12:55,293 --> 00:12:58,251
‪你想偷走吉伯戈法的演出

278
00:12:58,251 --> 00:13:00,584
‪一个“斯诺格”都不差

279
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:03,959
‪你是在尝试猜测
‪我们用哪个词代表笑话吗?

280
00:13:03,959 --> 00:13:06,959
‪-我猜对了吗?
‪-是的 但我为什么要帮你?

281
00:13:06,959 --> 00:13:09,834
‪-因为我知道你的胳膊长回来了
‪-我很乐意帮忙

282
00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:12,251
‪嘿 这是早间新闻!

283
00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:13,959
‪大家在选美比赛上穿什么?

284
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:17,876
‪本地新闻播报员万斯巴瑞会穿这件

285
00:13:17,876 --> 00:13:20,084
‪其他新闻 我的座椅仍然是坏掉的

286
00:13:20,084 --> 00:13:21,334
‪好痛

287
00:13:22,126 --> 00:13:23,459
‪真棒

288
00:13:23,459 --> 00:13:26,876
‪应该是我站在船上 而不是那些人

289
00:13:26,876 --> 00:13:28,668
‪嘿 大学 开始工作!

290
00:13:29,251 --> 00:13:30,793
‪你来自俄罗斯哪里?

291
00:13:33,584 --> 00:13:35,834
‪科尔曼 等等 我来了!

292
00:13:41,001 --> 00:13:42,793
‪我没有水袖!

293
00:13:42,793 --> 00:13:45,584
‪谁有我的水袖?

294
00:14:00,793 --> 00:14:02,668
‪习叔叔?你救了我

295
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,626
‪但我现在该怎么办?

296
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,668
‪你什么都可以做

297
00:14:06,668 --> 00:14:08,334
‪甚至什么都不做

298
00:14:08,959 --> 00:14:11,126
‪是的 谢谢你 习大大

299
00:14:11,126 --> 00:14:12,876
‪我什么都能做到

300
00:14:14,751 --> 00:14:17,168
‪我真的很喜欢肚子里的蜂蜜

301
00:14:17,168 --> 00:14:18,209
‪当然了

302
00:14:18,209 --> 00:14:21,251
‪这是大家都知道你的事情之一

303
00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:22,918
‪(邮票比赛)

304
00:14:22,918 --> 00:14:24,334
‪(更衣室)

305
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:27,584
‪该死 托德在哪里?

306
00:14:28,584 --> 00:14:30,751
‪-哦 托德
‪-我们在培养感情

307
00:14:32,293 --> 00:14:36,543
‪-你在做什么?
‪-托德有性别

308
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,001
‪托德认为参加选美要画烟熏妆

309
00:14:39,001 --> 00:14:41,418
‪这太荒谬了 我要把你换回来

310
00:14:41,418 --> 00:14:44,251
‪抱歉 那是托德的声音调制器按钮

311
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:47,001
‪托德可以自己选择男女

312
00:14:47,001 --> 00:14:48,376
‪不行 托德不能

313
00:14:48,376 --> 00:14:50,501
‪回实验室去 清理你的脑缸

314
00:14:51,418 --> 00:14:54,334
‪不 托德想跟露西待在一起

315
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:58,876
‪露西说托德的脑干看起来
‪像杂志上的一样美

316
00:14:58,876 --> 00:15:01,209
‪嘿 是你叫托德跟我一起的

317
00:15:01,209 --> 00:15:03,834
‪你在乎什么?
‪我以为你不需要朋友

318
00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:05,418
‪好吧 当然 你知道吗?

319
00:15:05,418 --> 00:15:08,209
‪我知道你觉得这是你的“主场”

320
00:15:08,209 --> 00:15:09,126
‪我有吗?

321
00:15:09,126 --> 00:15:11,334
‪但你惹错了科学家

322
00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:13,668
‪我好怕啊

323
00:15:13,668 --> 00:15:14,834
‪你应该害怕

324
00:15:14,834 --> 00:15:18,668
‪因为你知道还有谁是科学家吗?
‪罗伯特奥本海默

325
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:22,543
‪我是说《刺猬索尼克》里的坏人

326
00:15:24,584 --> 00:15:26,043
‪我看到裂痕了

327
00:15:26,043 --> 00:15:28,251
‪这可能是我最不喜欢的沙拉和鞋

328
00:15:28,251 --> 00:15:32,168
‪但这是我最喜欢的...这个 随便了

329
00:15:32,168 --> 00:15:33,876
‪我在跟谁说话?

330
00:15:33,876 --> 00:15:35,959
‪对 好吧 露西

331
00:15:35,959 --> 00:15:39,793
‪你觉得音炮能让你大小便失禁吗?

332
00:15:39,793 --> 00:15:43,668
‪或是用电网让你大小便失禁?

333
00:15:43,668 --> 00:15:45,376
‪或是润肠气体...

334
00:15:45,376 --> 00:15:47,668
‪天啊 拉姆斯菲尔德着迷了

335
00:15:48,293 --> 00:15:49,501
{\an8}‪(纳米机器人)

336
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,501
‪我感觉很奇怪

337
00:16:07,418 --> 00:16:10,793
‪我吃鼻屎

338
00:16:21,251 --> 00:16:23,043
‪(杰基下士军事灵长类动物学中心)

339
00:16:24,126 --> 00:16:25,626
‪天啊 小姐

340
00:16:27,418 --> 00:16:28,334
‪(人猿风暴计划)

341
00:16:30,251 --> 00:16:31,084
‪什么?

342
00:16:31,084 --> 00:16:32,001
‪(猫斗计划)

343
00:16:33,584 --> 00:16:36,668
‪我们选了两个女科学家

344
00:16:36,668 --> 00:16:39,501
‪让她们从事一个虚假的黑猩猩研究

345
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:42,376
‪为了激活实验对象内在的泼妇属性

346
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:46,293
‪我们给黑猩猩注射了一种强力的
‪有助于排便的恐惧荷尔蒙

347
00:16:46,293 --> 00:16:49,168
‪跟预测的一样 实验对象打起来了

348
00:16:49,168 --> 00:16:52,126
‪我不明白
‪我昨天才给它们做了全面检查

349
00:16:52,126 --> 00:16:53,501
‪显然你没有

350
00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:57,876
‪也许它们是压力太大了
‪因为你总说那个B打头的词

351
00:16:57,876 --> 00:17:00,626
‪不 不是“香蕉” 该死的!

352
00:17:00,626 --> 00:17:04,251
‪如你所见 一点点复杂性
‪就能让她们产生隔阂

353
00:17:04,251 --> 00:17:07,251
‪就像我办公室天花板上的画一样

354
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:09,959
‪女人之间无法和平相处 先生

355
00:17:09,959 --> 00:17:11,043
‪所以这是好消息

356
00:17:11,043 --> 00:17:13,751
‪我们对待女性的方式
‪现在已经被科学证实了

357
00:17:13,751 --> 00:17:16,918
‪天啊 我喜欢科学

358
00:17:20,376 --> 00:17:21,209
‪哇

359
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,376
‪好吧 你好吗 美国?

360
00:17:26,376 --> 00:17:32,418
‪谢谢大家来到现场
‪选出下一位邮票女郎

361
00:17:32,418 --> 00:17:37,293
‪自打我从卡尔德隆4号星球回来
‪就没见过这么多辣妹了

362
00:17:37,293 --> 00:17:39,668
‪因为他们有30个太阳

363
00:17:44,376 --> 00:17:45,251
‪所以...

364
00:17:47,543 --> 00:17:50,126
‪太空船上的食物是怎么回事?

365
00:17:50,126 --> 00:17:53,334
‪你拿到 一袋马佐比亚树睾丸

366
00:17:53,334 --> 00:17:56,418
‪里面只有五个

367
00:17:56,918 --> 00:17:57,959
‪好吗?

368
00:17:58,459 --> 00:18:01,376
‪模仿下副总理扎克孔

369
00:18:01,376 --> 00:18:04,584
‪恰科卡卡奇!

370
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:07,876
‪下去!

371
00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:11,209
‪搞什么 艾克斯崔?观众都不买账

372
00:18:11,209 --> 00:18:14,126
‪-这群人真烂
‪-我得让他们喜欢我

373
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:16,501
‪我该怎么办?
‪亲吻现在当钱花了 是吧?

374
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:20,959
‪你为什么会有这种
‪永无止境的被爱的需求?

375
00:18:20,959 --> 00:18:22,959
‪什么?不 我不需要爱

376
00:18:22,959 --> 00:18:26,043
‪我从小就没人爱我 机灵鬼

377
00:18:26,043 --> 00:18:27,834
‪我不也一样好好的吗?

378
00:18:28,418 --> 00:18:29,751
‪跟我说说你的母亲

379
00:18:29,751 --> 00:18:32,084
‪为什么?她只是个普通的妈妈

380
00:18:32,084 --> 00:18:33,501
‪她是凯玛特的迎宾员

381
00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:35,751
‪所以她没有力气在家里打招呼了

382
00:18:35,751 --> 00:18:38,001
‪她给我取了她从未见过的爸爸的名字

383
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:41,376
‪每隔几周她就会失踪
‪我们会发现她在公交车站哭

384
00:18:41,376 --> 00:18:42,626
‪跟平常一样

385
00:18:42,626 --> 00:18:44,334
‪你是年纪最小的孩子吧?

386
00:18:44,334 --> 00:18:46,293
‪天啊 我的姐姐们跟这有什么关系?

387
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:50,043
‪我有一年都没说话
‪只是想看看有没有人注意到

388
00:18:50,043 --> 00:18:52,376
‪结果呢?他们没有 好吗?

389
00:18:52,376 --> 00:18:54,543
‪为什么要提这些?

390
00:18:54,543 --> 00:18:55,793
‪你想要那群人

391
00:18:55,793 --> 00:18:59,334
‪给你你小时候从未得到过的认可

392
00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:01,501
‪谁知道人类的情感如此复杂?

393
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:02,626
‪在床上

394
00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:05,668
‪我有个主意

395
00:19:08,251 --> 00:19:10,959
‪好吧 你想要振作是吗 拉马尔?

396
00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,418
‪就让你看看我是怎么振作的

397
00:19:12,418 --> 00:19:16,209
‪我也想啊 可我穿的是疯子饶舌歌手
‪设计的球鞋

398
00:19:16,209 --> 00:19:17,751
‪你在这里工作吗?

399
00:19:17,751 --> 00:19:20,126
‪我们几周前订了私人训练

400
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:22,543
‪明天是我的大喜日子!

401
00:19:23,126 --> 00:19:25,334
‪好吧 她脑子里有一块
‪外星飞船的残片

402
00:19:25,334 --> 00:19:27,918
‪她每天醒来都以为明天是她的婚礼

403
00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:30,293
‪所以你能帮我们吗?

404
00:19:36,126 --> 00:19:38,126
‪我要为德瑞克变得性感火辣!

405
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:48,126
‪但在我许多重复的梦境里

406
00:19:48,126 --> 00:19:49,918
‪骑士从未对我说过

407
00:19:49,918 --> 00:19:53,668
‪“来吧 宝贝
‪我会把你放在一个很棒的公寓里”

408
00:19:55,293 --> 00:19:58,168
‪好极了 为托德209鼓掌

409
00:19:58,168 --> 00:20:00,584
‪它表演了一段《美丽俏佳人》的独白

410
00:20:00,584 --> 00:20:04,126
‪好吧 这里有城外居民吗?

411
00:20:04,126 --> 00:20:07,709
‪我知道那家伙是 离城市很远

412
00:20:09,043 --> 00:20:11,209
‪-好的
‪-艾克斯崔 各位

413
00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:15,293
‪真是个怪胎
‪你们这个种族真的不讨喜

414
00:20:15,293 --> 00:20:18,501
‪我的天啊 我都看不出来
‪你是没有生殖器

415
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:20,834
‪还是只有生殖器

416
00:20:21,543 --> 00:20:25,168
‪我的生殖器和其他人一样
‪在我的头骨后面

417
00:20:25,168 --> 00:20:28,334
‪所以交配时
‪另一个外星人不用看你的脸

418
00:20:28,334 --> 00:20:31,043
‪我宁愿选恶心的ET 也不选你

419
00:20:32,084 --> 00:20:35,626
‪你打电话回家的时候 他们会说
‪“新手机 这是谁啊?”

420
00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:37,209
‪因为你太丑了

421
00:20:38,251 --> 00:20:40,168
‪但说到反面

422
00:20:40,168 --> 00:20:42,418
‪掌声有请我们的下一位参赛者

423
00:20:42,418 --> 00:20:44,834
‪我的第一夫人 露西苏万

424
00:20:45,918 --> 00:20:47,834
‪等等 我有话要说

425
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:49,834
‪那不是她 露西很性感

426
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:51,793
‪-嘿 没轮到你呢
‪-那才是她

427
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:56,376
‪露西 我们在研究黑猩猩的时候
‪男人们在研究我们

428
00:20:56,376 --> 00:20:58,376
‪是的 我去过动物园 法拉

429
00:20:58,376 --> 00:21:00,459
‪不 我找到了黑猩猩研究

430
00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:03,751
‪人猿风暴计划失败不是薇琪的错

431
00:21:03,751 --> 00:21:06,376
‪其他科学家想让我们反目成仇

432
00:21:06,376 --> 00:21:08,501
‪这些男人还在这么做

433
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,668
‪看来法拉布朗要表演
‪《小猴当家》里的独白

434
00:21:11,668 --> 00:21:12,626
‪我错了

435
00:21:12,626 --> 00:21:14,918
‪这个邮票比赛不只是愚蠢的干扰

436
00:21:14,918 --> 00:21:17,668
‪这是故意的 为了让我们失去力量

437
00:21:17,668 --> 00:21:21,584
‪天啊 我亲爱的隔阂
‪要变成女士高跟鞋了

438
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:23,043
‪我不收藏女鞋

439
00:21:23,043 --> 00:21:26,918
‪你是个好榜样 因为你支持其他女性

440
00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:29,918
‪不管她们有多疯

441
00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:31,501
‪你应该在那张邮票上

442
00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:35,501
‪但我不应该独占
‪因为我们是一体的

443
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,418
‪不 你们不是

444
00:21:37,418 --> 00:21:39,293
‪我应该单独在邮票上

445
00:21:39,293 --> 00:21:40,709
‪我恨你们

446
00:21:40,709 --> 00:21:42,751
‪别理她 我们是一体的

447
00:21:42,751 --> 00:21:45,126
‪所以我们应该一起登上邮票

448
00:21:45,126 --> 00:21:46,459
‪城里的每个女人

449
00:21:51,709 --> 00:21:53,709
‪法拉 我找到了你和我

450
00:21:55,876 --> 00:21:57,251
‪我们都在

451
00:21:58,084 --> 00:21:59,709
‪等一下

452
00:22:00,668 --> 00:22:01,543
‪这是查克诺里斯

453
00:22:01,543 --> 00:22:04,626
‪拉马尔用我们的脸
‪做了一张查克诺里斯的邮票

454
00:22:04,626 --> 00:22:06,459
‪《无敌骑士》里的那家伙?

455
00:22:07,084 --> 00:22:08,209
‪我没看到

456
00:22:08,209 --> 00:22:11,501
‪我希望这不会毁了你们的小庆典

457
00:22:11,501 --> 00:22:14,793
‪我才不要庆祝查克诺里斯先生

458
00:22:14,793 --> 00:22:17,209
‪他在王牌频道颁奖礼
‪的余兴派对上给了我假号码

459
00:22:17,209 --> 00:22:19,834
‪身为女人是赢不了的

460
00:22:19,834 --> 00:22:22,626
‪托德已经很困惑了

461
00:22:23,459 --> 00:22:25,543
‪-有道理
‪-对

462
00:22:30,876 --> 00:22:33,084
‪嘿 谢谢你那天晚上帮我

463
00:22:33,084 --> 00:22:35,168
‪侮辱性幽默 这是万能的

464
00:22:35,168 --> 00:22:38,751
‪这仍然不能弥补
‪你炸毁我的整个星球

465
00:22:38,751 --> 00:22:41,209
‪但我欠你一个人情

466
00:22:42,584 --> 00:22:46,501
‪其实 既然你提到了
‪我需要一些电磁线...

467
00:22:47,459 --> 00:22:50,584
‪给自己制造一个性爱机器人

468
00:22:50,584 --> 00:22:51,501
‪为了性爱

469
00:22:51,501 --> 00:22:52,459
‪在床上

470
00:22:53,876 --> 00:22:55,168
‪天啊

471
00:22:55,168 --> 00:22:56,168
‪依然很搞笑

472
00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:01,543
‪-你们举行了邮票比赛 却没带上我?
‪-我很确定你在那

473
00:23:01,543 --> 00:23:03,251
‪没有 我不在

474
00:23:03,251 --> 00:23:05,751
‪动物园里的人猿因为我擅自闯入
‪把我扣押了

475
00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:08,001
‪它们正在石溪公园建立社会

476
00:23:08,001 --> 00:23:10,834
‪有人教它们使用火焰喷射器

477
00:23:10,834 --> 00:23:12,334
‪天啊!

478
00:23:12,334 --> 00:23:14,418
‪查克诺里斯的邮票!

479
00:23:19,918 --> 00:23:22,168
‪接下来是我们出版商的社论

480
00:23:22,168 --> 00:23:24,751
‪副总统拉马尔很蠢

481
00:23:24,751 --> 00:23:29,209
‪你怎么开始播上新闻了?

482
00:23:29,209 --> 00:23:31,168
‪这个新闻台是我的 卡特赖特拉马尔

483
00:23:31,959 --> 00:23:34,709
‪我给了他一个新的自行车座椅
‪现在我们是搭档了

484
00:23:35,209 --> 00:23:38,751
‪你证明了自己 强尼
‪我的大门一直为你敞开

485
00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,793
‪现在是政治漫画版面

486
00:23:40,793 --> 00:23:44,418
‪厕所里有大便 上面写着“拉马尔”

487
00:23:45,334 --> 00:23:47,376
‪新闻自由

488
00:23:47,376 --> 00:23:48,376
‪(尼克松保龄球)

489
00:23:52,751 --> 00:23:54,626
‪“不准吃”奶酪

490
00:23:54,626 --> 00:23:57,418
‪人类比我想象的更有趣

491
00:23:57,418 --> 00:23:59,751
‪毁掉他们剩下的一切真是可惜

492
00:23:59,751 --> 00:24:01,626
‪-那下面是什么?
‪-哪个下面?

493
00:24:03,376 --> 00:24:05,001
‪我让你说“内裤”了

494
00:24:05,918 --> 00:24:09,418
‪我的天 他直接掉进坑里了
‪真是个蠢货

495
00:24:09,418 --> 00:24:12,043
‪别问任何人 那是我想到的

496
00:25:02,709 --> 00:25:04,626
‪字幕翻译:肖雪