[dramatic music plays]
Thank you all for coming.
Let me just...
Um... Ugh.
Okay. Obviously, my administration has been rocking ass.
We've given everybody a bunch of whale juice,
thanks to First Lady Lucy.
Whales are the lanterns of the sea.
Mm-hmm.
Also, our military's continuing to clear the streets
and safely dispose of any and all Dasani.
Plus, we did a census.
A grateful nation thanks, you know, Hat and Glasses over there.
There are now 1,132 people left on Earth.
And check this out. It's, like, two chicks for every dude.
You know, statistically speaking.
I hope you had fun with that bachelorette party.
Too bad because I didn't.
They made me do a dance to get my hat back.
My administration is already using these datas
to better serve you guys,
which is why there is a party at the White House later,
and ladies will drink for free.
No further questions. Thank you.
What a scoop!
Hey, guys, breaking news!
The president said a party's happening at the White House!
There was a banner and everything!
There's a party!
[theme music playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[foghorn blows]
[harp glissando]
Hey, is that Cartwright LaMarr, or did Jane Lynch melt?
[chuckles] The aliens could not take away your raffish wit, Mr. Zhao.
But Jane Lynch did indeed melt on live television.
[Zhao] Damn, that sucks.
Push, Coleman.
[Coleman grunts]
All right, I'm ready for some wining and dining, C.L.,
so please tell me Vegas survived.
I'm afraid Vegas got blowed up along with the rest of the world.
May what happened there forever stay there.
But our fair district can provide entertainments
befitting a man of your stature.
You know, thanks to the untimely 'splodin's
of Messrs. Bezos and McDuck,
you are now the richest man in the world.
[Zhao] You hear that, ladies?
You've all been secretly trying to poison the richest man in the world.
I'll have 'em bring my car around.
Jasper, Banjo, Willy, Myrna, Moose,
Beamer, Buckley, Reggie, Dash, Stumpy,
Nibbles, Gator, Rascal, Snowy, Dexter, and Bullet, come on!
[dogs barking]
[tense music playing]
Yeehaw!
Mush.
[dogs continue barking]
General, I want you to requisition all available booze from the city.
I've got a valid ID.
But why would anyone card a 53-year-old who lives at 130 Calvert Street?
Yeah, what would be the point of that?
TOD, get us as many shelf-stable dips as you can find.
I don't care what you have to do.
[TOD-209] Berserker Mode activated.
I think a party's a great idea.
People deserve a night to just let loose, maybe kiss someone,
invent a dance that starts off embarrassing,
but then everybody does it and they call it The Lucy.
I got invited to a party once, but it turned out it was a bet.
I just want one night where nothing explodes,
or turns to goo, or that happens.
- Oh, not again! - [bats screeching]
Look, no one likes a party pooper.
Who told you that story? Ah, shouldn't have said that.
But is this really the best use of our limited resources?
- I mean, we've got to do something... - Yawn.
...about these alien corpses.
Maybe it's gases cooling in their bodies, but at night, they scream.
[alien screams]
[man] Shut up!
[woman] Good, yell at 'em. That'll help.
[aliens screaming]
But I gotta have a party.
I mean, presidents throw ragers when they take office, right?
Back me up here, history buddy.
Andrew Jackson opened up the White House and served kegs of whiskey.
But the place got trashed,
so I think it'd be best if we learned from those past mistakes--
You said it, kid.
We gotta outdo Hugh Jackman's party.
Oh, and hey, Braun, I have a very important science job for you.
Yeah, if this is about putting sunglasses on the moon, I'm looking into it.
I need you to clean Axatrax's cube thing.
It smells like butt.
I don't want people at the party puking, ya know?
Except for party reasons.
[sighs]
Oh, make sure you science real good around the dump bucket.
[Simon yelps]
Glad to hear you're, um, cool with people hooking up at this party,
'cause I plan to do a lot of that, and I hope it doesn't make you jealous.
Nope. That's our deal.
I just want everyone to have fun, including you.
Great. Yeah, if you're cool with it, I am cold with it.
Freezing even.
I'm exhibiting the classic signs of hypothermia.
My fingers are black, and I'm getting drowsy.
They're not gonna find me till spring. Ha!
[tender music playing]
Mmm! This tastes terrible, but I don't care.
I've been eating nothing but manatee for the last week.
You know I love to scratch your back, Johnny,
but I find backscratching to be far more pleasurable when it's mutual.
Well, I've got some real long fingernails.
Oh!
And I've got one itchy back.
I'm pumped to see what you've got planned. Our partnership has been very profitable.
- [camera shutters clicking] - [banjo playing]
[LaMarr chuckles]
That is one open factory.
I love this country!
Well, that was nothing.
I've been a busy boy in the Senate,
deregulating both willy and nilly.
Goodbye, big government.
It's just a teeny, tiny little government now.
It can fit in your pocket.
Hey there, little guy.
Why, you're just about the cutest little government I ever done seen.
- Yes, you are. - Let me hold him.
What? No, I was just doing a fun there, Johnny.
The point is, we are on the precipice of true, unfettered capitalism.
Why, with my access and your money,
the world will be our gooey, gooey oyster.
[man] Wait, money?
You don't think you're paying with money, do you?
Oh, but I insist. Times are tough.
No, I mean, we don't accept money.
You can't eat it or wear it--
Don't accept money?
What in God's gravy are you talking about?
Yeah, there's prices on the menu.
Those refer to kisses.
And you owe 320.
[crowd] Chug! Chug! Chug!
- Yeah, I played a little semipro ball. - [woman] Whoo!
Single-A Rockport Sea Pigs.
People wanted to change the mascot,
but it was based on a real wharf prostitute.
I mean, it's honoring her.
[mascot groans]
You boys like to party? Oh no, not again!
[Simon chuckles]
What's zup? Care to, uh, introduce me?
Oh yeah, Simon, um, there actually is someone I want you to meet.
Good thing I've been practicing my conversation starters.
What do you ladies think is the worst crime?
Here she is.
[Matty chuckles]
Look, everyone, Simon's in love with a book.
What's wrong with loving a book?
- Oh my God, he admitted it. - [all chuckling]
- That was, like, so funny. - I know, right?
Did Lucy see?
[Lucy] Huh!
Just a little housewarming gift. It's a bowl.
That is classy. Thank you.
I'll go put some shelf-stable dips in it.
Missed you at the cabinet meeting this morning, pal.
Cabinet meetings are beneath us now.
You see, it occurred to us that since every other English person is dead,
us am now king.
Oh, you think you're better than me?
Yes, we are God's Anglican emissary on Earth.
We are also your DJ.
We do hope you like white guys rapping over drum and bass.
I really do, a lot.
[dramatic music plays]
I apologize for the mess.
It's quite hot down here, and I've been molting more than usual.
Oh, I'm used to messes. I have two young boys.
And in the '90s, I did an internship at Lockheed in their Rocketeer division.
[whooshing]
Well, I'm sure you would much rather be upstairs at the human mating ritual.
Yeah, I think maybe my mating days are behind me.
Turns out there are now two women for every man.
But with your obvious intelligence,
don't you get to dictate when and how you are fertilized?
[scoffs] Wow, welcome to Earth.
No, men here feel threatened by a smart woman.
And once they put you in that box, that's where you stay.
They find you threatening and put you in a box.
What's that like?
[both chuckle]
I've always loved science.
My first crush was Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets.
But then I met him, and he was really mean.
Fascinating. Women do that every month?
How long do you get to stay home from work?
- Zero days, and you can't even mention it. - Ugh.
I'd have to say my favorite movie is The Shape of Water.
It's about a woman who works in a lab and falls for a--
Nothing.
It's about a woman in a lab and a nothing.
Well, it sounds wonderful.
Sir, we need to discuss an urgent matter of monetary policy.
Pass. Smell you never.
Are you sure?
'Cause I was just about to give you a whiff
of the richest man in the world.
The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase?
No. Sir, a million dollars is not a lot of money.
And it's not a wrestler from the '80s, man.
It's me, Johnny Zhao, your new biggest donor.
Whoa, that's more money than I've ever seen.
And me and some guys once robbed the props truck from the movie, The Town.
Uh-uh, guys, no work.
And no talking about Ben Affleck movies.
But how great is it that there'll never be another one?
Luce, I'm gonna make it rain.
- Ah, crap. - I didn't realize people still used money.
Well, don't you just steal the shine from a penny.
- [Simon] Actually, she's right. - [gasps]
- [Zhao] Floor Man! - Sorry, my book fell. [grunts]
During the census, Dr. Braun and I discovered
the country is largely operating on a barter economy.
Like, I got these Bagel Bites by showing a nice man my feet,
and when pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
So I thought that was a good deal.
Feet, kisses, foot kisses, that's the new currency.
Mr. President, this is precisely why
you need to make a strong statement in support of the dollar,
or else, well, Japan will eat us alive
if it weren't just a hole in the ocean now.
Yeah, I don't know, dude. I mean, what's money ever done for me?
Growing up, we couldn't even afford the splitter to steal cable.
I'm ten years old, faking my way through conversations about Arli$$.
- Maybe we're better off without money. - Better without money?
America runs on money.
America runs on Dunkin'.
But we need a national currency. That's how it's always been.
Is that right, chief?
[sighs] No, the US didn't have a national currency until the Civil War.
Executive order. Money is dumb.
Hey, guys, no one needs money anymore!
- [crowd cheering] - [heroic music plays]
[TOD-209] What in wheelbarrow?
Alien tissue samples.
Did you know Axatrax molts?
Like Jane Lynch on Kids' Choice Awards turn into puddle?
[chuckles] No, TOD, molt.
[TOD-209] Norepinephrine levels elevated.
Why hormone spike?
Oh, that? No, I was just talking.
With someone. A guy.
TOD thought doctor gave up on men.
Oh, I did, but he's not a man.
I mean, not your typical man.
Whatever. I like talking to him, okay? I mean, he's not my soulmate.
TOD had soulmate once?
[bubbling]
[dramatic sting]
[woman chuckling]
[dramatic sting]
[applauds]
[Dr. Braun] ...attractive, but a guy like Simon looks nice--
TOD, are you even listening?
Huh? Yes. Guy.
Wow, even you can't be bothered to pay attention.
Humans... I mean, men.
Was TOD a man?
♪ You get up in my face I drop you like this bass ♪
That's where the bass drops. We need electricity.
Mr. Zhao-- Johnny, wait, please.
This is just a minor little baby hiccough.
"I'm LaMarr. I got plans. I'm sneaky."
"Oh wait, I forgot to make sure money still matters."
"I'm dumb."
That's what you sound like.
- Oh, please, Johnny-- - [Zhao gasps]
Ah! They're burning money?
[Zhao] Ugh!
This is what I get for working with a vice president.
It's like Cheney all over again.
Access doesn't matter
if the main guy just wants to paint doggies in the bathtub.
I need a drink.
- [Jeremy] ♪ What? What? Get noisy ♪ - [LaMarr sighs]
Oh goodness, I do beg your pardon, Mr. Rooster.
I'm clumsier than a virgin on his wedding night
trying to shimmy out of a bathroom window.
[grunts]
- [Dr. Braun knocks on glass] Knock, knock. - Well, this is a pleasant surprise.
I realized I did all the talking earlier.
And there's so much I wanna know about you.
For science.
Such an inquisitive mind.
You know, on Cardi-B,
brains are appreciated the way humans appreciate butts.
I'd like to hear more about that planet.
I could tell you, but there could be a way for me to show you.
My species is capable of a kind of mind-meld.
But it only works if there's a strong emotional connection
between the two participants,
along with intense uninterrupted eye contact.
[giggles] Anything for science.
- [keypad chimes] - [lock unlocks]
[whimsical music playing]
[swelling sting]
[adventurous music playing]
♪ Let me show you my world ♪
♪ Aboard this coal-powered Gorp craft ♪
♪ Tell me, Doctor ♪
♪ Is it odd to see our mountains mutate? ♪
♪ Coal fuels all of our stuff ♪
♪ Our trees, they will try to eat you ♪
♪ Massive work slugs ♪
♪ Our pee's blue ♪
This part's too hard to translate ♪
♪ Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
♪ Your birds have millions of eyes ♪
♪ Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
♪ You guys also have jean shorts ♪
♪ I'll take you there someday ♪
♪ We'll find a way ♪
♪ To get some coal To fuel my landing craft ♪
♪ You'll love my world ♪
♪ I love your world ♪
♪ Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
[Axatrax] ♪ We'll see it all ♪
♪ It's always fall ♪
- ♪ On Cardi-B ♪ - ♪ On Cardi-B ♪
[both moaning]
[Dr. Braun] Mmm.
No, we can't do this.
Axatrax, say something.
- [neck crackles] - [Dr. Braun] Ugh!
Goddamn it! Bunsen Honeydew was right about me.
[harp glissando]
Well, thank you very much, sir.
Oh, we're doing sarcastic thank-yous?
Thank you for interrupting.
You have made a non-corned beef hash of my plans.
- [rock music plays] - [dramatic sting]
I'm sorry. Mr. President, Mrs. Rooster.
[indistinct chatter]
That guy's, like, my butler.
[screams]
Oh, that chandelier was lovingly restored by James Buchanan
and his companion William Rufus DeVane King.
Oh no, is Professor Dorkington
worried the party is too awesome?
- [Matty grunts] - [all chuckling]
Ah, he's so pissed.
You're hilarious.
So would you like to see the Situation Room?
Maybe make it the Adult Situation Room?
But aren't you, like, married to that Lucy lady?
Yeah, but the First Lady is cool with it.
[Jeremy] Rap, rap, rap ♪
And I'm so cold, they're gonna cut my toes off at the hospital. Let's go.
♪ I like to rhyme hip-hop Like horses go clip-clop ♪
♪ At Newmarket, Aintree Cheltenham, and Ascot ♪
♪ What? ♪
- [crowd clamoring] - [Lucy yelps]
Hey, everyone, it's a new dance. Do the First Lady.
Yeah, everybody, do The Me!
[all cheering]
[whimsical music plays]
Mr. Zhao... Johnny, what if the president were to become incapacitated,
and then I, I say I,
became president of these United States?
[Zhao] Hmm.
Come on, Simon.
No upside-down smiles tonight
unless you're that guy the aliens did all those experiments on.
Uh, I can hear you!
I'm so mad at Matty.
He makes me just wanna pick up a rock
and polish it until it's beautiful and shiny. [sighs]
Or maybe I'm just mad at myself.
Because you bought that hat?
Because I'm doing what I always do.
My whole life, I've let jocks like Matty take advantage of me.
When they need my brain, they're all, "Thanks, you're the best."
But the second other people are around, I'm nothing but a jape to them.
A jape!
Santayana said, "If we don't know history, we are doomed to repeat it."
But I do know history,
and yet I just keep making the same mistakes.
Hey, I love Santana, especially his stuff with Rob Thomas.
Looks like someone's cooler than they thought.
[Simon sighs]
Ugh! The Shape of Water sure romanticizes falling in love with a lab creature.
Thanks, Hollywood.
Love. TOD knew love once.
[snapping fingers]
Earth to TOD!
Wow. Sure, I listen to everyone else's stories and problems,
but no one... listens!
[gasps] I listened to Axatrax. I listened to the whole song.
[TOD-209] There was a song? When?
I think I know where he's going.
Pigeon I accidentally stepped on? Stepped-on pigeon, anybody?
Great party. I haven't thought once about
how my husband got crushed by the Washington Monument.
What husband?
Whoo-hoo!
[gulping]
[LaMarr sighs]
Boy, that president of ours sure is one hellion.
Why, he's in the Red Room right now
with a constituent who is not his first lady.
Their tongues look like two Cherrystone clams
in a pot of Frogmore Stew.
I do wish he'd be more discreet though.
If the young lady's short pants are to be trusted,
she appears to be the property of a Rooster.
[Rooster] Huh? [grunts]
- Door kick! - Uh-oh.
Hey, pal, kinda in the middle of something here-- [yelps]
You and me, outside, now!
Kill him, Rooster.
Uh... [gulps]
[Axatrax whistling]
- Going somewhere? - Hey, there you are.
After our mind-meld, I was like, "Where's Farrah?" And...
How did you find me?
I knew you needed coal to power your landing craft.
Stupid informative song.
And, thanks to a truly terrible field trip with my kids,
I knew that the Capitol Power Plant
was the only place within 100 miles that would have any.
So I followed you right to your only means of escaping Earth.
You are a remarkable creature.
- What if you came with me? - Oh. [scoffs]
I know you have no reason to trust me, but the connection we had--
- It doesn't matter. - It's all that matters.
I can take you away from all this, Farrah.
- I can take you to Cardi-B. - [enchanting music playing]
Let me see it again.
♪ Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
♪ The mountains are square now ♪
♪ Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
♪ They're covered in hair now ♪
♪ And if you come with me-- ♪
TOD, now!
[gun cocks]
Clever girl.
Hey, were you gonna brain me with a rock?
What? No.
Rocks are a delicacy on my planet.
[chomps]
Mm-mm!
[gulps] Ugh.
They're so good here. I think it's the water.
[indistinct chatter, laughing]
[Simon gasps]
You gotta help me. That guy's gonna kill me.
- [Rooster grunting] - [cheering]
- Then don't fight him. - I have to.
If I don't fight, I'll look like a you.
And, I mean, have you seen yourself? It sucks.
No, I'm done.
I'm done bailing out the cool guys just so they can treat me like garbage.
Please.
This was supposed to be the party
where I don't get the crap kicked out of me.
What are you talking about?
Dude, I was never the cool guy.
I was the jerk who crashed the party,
got hammered, and then got thrown in the river by some girl's brother.
The whole point of this party was--
Wait! Where's everyone going? I just stepped on another pigeon.
I want things to be different now, Simon.
So I cannot go out there
and get humiliated in front of the whole damn country.
[sighs] Uh...
Look, if I do help you, it's not gonna be how other presidents did it.
We have to break with the past,
so you're not just gonna distract everyone by, say,
starting an unnecessary war--
- Yes, a war! That's a great idea! - [patriotic music plays]
But who can we have a war with?
Scat, scat, scrappity flap ♪
♪ You are listening to a good scat rap ♪
Our old enemy, the hated British.
That was a long time ago. They fought with us in both World Wars.
Exactly, they fought with us. We're saying the same thing.
General?
What? I've had beers before.
I want you to fire a missile at the British Embassy.
We're at war.
[burps]
[patriotic music continues]
Ah!
I'm sorry I took advantage of you.
Well, I'm sorry I let you eat that whole rock.
- No, you're not. - Actually, I'm not.
But I was desperate.
Locked in that cube all day, all alone.
And now that TOD-209 has destroyed my landing craft...
[TOD-209] Die. Die. Die.
[robotic laughter]
...I'm stuck here.
Do you really have to put me back in that hot containment unit?
The constant molting is quite painful.
Yeah, you know what's painful? Vaginal birth.
That's where it comes out of?
- [crowd chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! - What the hell is going on?
I'm about to take the "dent" from "president"
and put it in your face, pal.
Unless something huge happens that distracts everyone. Right now.
[sighs] Man, this is got a lots of buttons.
Who wants to bet on the fight?
Fifty kisses on the president.
Ugh, never mind. This is so stupid.
It is not even a party without two guys fighting over a girl, right? [chuckles]
One time, my high school boyfriend
put a guy in the hospital for hitting on me.
And it was his dad.
Cool. I went to prom with my grandma.
[grunts]
- [rock music plays] - [dramatic sting]
Oh crap.
Come on, General Scarpaccio, hurry up. Thank you for your service.
So you know, the president is trying to start a war with Britain
to get out of fighting this guy
because nothing ever changes.
Huh.
Mama, lock up your horn, 'cause someone's gone swoggled it.
[TOD-209] Mr. President, do you require assistance?
Not even. This guy's meat.
It really is not good for me to be so close to this heat source.
Aw, is poor baby gonna molt? Why don't you sing a song about it?
[TOD-209] Sir, your norepinephrine levels are high.
Did you also fall in love with an alien?
- Shut up, TOD! - Shut up, TOD!
Enough jawing. Are we gonna do this or what?
- [crowd clamoring] - [upbeat music playing]
[Scarpaccio] Er...
[mechanical whirring]
[dramatic music playing]
[Axatrax screeches]
[screeching continues]
Hey, the alien is inventing a new dance!
Everyone do The Alien!
- [Axatrax grunts] - [crowd screams]
No! No, no, no, don't leave!
Why's it doing that?
[screams]
Now that's what I call a home run.
Ah, "Run home." Shoot, it was right there.
[continues screeching]
Look away! This is private!
[dramatic music building]
[gasps] That's where it comes out of?
- [Matty] Oh sick. - [missiles detonate]
[Scarpaccio] Got it!
[LaMarr sighs]
Worst war ever.
[banjo strum]
- [depressing music plays] - [Axatrax panting]
That was actually an easy one.
Yeah, maybe we should get Axatrax out of that hot basement
so this doesn't keep happening.
But won't he run off?
A creature of his intelligence knows there's no way off the planet.
Worst party ever.
And I once went to a wedding
where the bride rode in on a regular orange tiger.
No. Remember when we were all doing The Alien? That was fun.
Please, Axatrax was just ripping off
Patrick Dempsey's dance in Can't Buy Me Love.
We're done, LaMarr.
I'm taking my talents to South Beach,
except South Beach is just a glowing pit now,
which is an improvement.
[LaMarr sighs]
Mr. President, your monetary policy
is positively insane in its very membrane.
However, I'm more than impressed with how you handled
that sticky situation with Rooster.
A war on England. [chuckles]
I should've just fought him. I mean, you see how scared he was of me?
Rooster? More like scaredy-bird.
Right?
Oh, chicken. Ah, damn it.
Well said, sir.
We may make a president of you yet.
Am I the only one who realizes the significance of what happened here?
Tonight, we saw a US president get out of trouble
in a way that has certainly never happened before.
Which means...
We did it different.
USA.
Huh, okay, baby steps.
What? No, this isn't a good thing. My party ended up sucking.
And has that ever happened before?
No. Wow.
Take that, history.
You're never gonna happen again.
[missile detonates]
Guys, there was one more.
Yeesh. I forgot the moon was broken.
Thanks a lot, Axatrax.
[in high-pitched voice] Did I do that?
[all chuckle]
Urkel!
Why are you laughing at me?
The molting strains... [in high-pitched voice] ...my vocal cords.
[all continue chuckling]
- [Matty] Oh, classic. - [Lucy] Dork.
Oh.
We have a good time, don't we?
[Axatrax] ♪ Let me show you my world ♪
♪ Aboard this coal-powered Gorp craft ♪
♪ Tell me, Doctor ♪
♪ Is it odd to see our mountains mutate? ♪
♪ Coal fuels all of our stuff ♪
♪ Our trees, they will try to eat you ♪
♪ Massive work slugs ♪
♪ Our pee's blue ♪
♪ This part's too hard to translate ♪
♪ Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
[Dr. Braun] ♪ Your birds have millions of eyes ♪
[Axatrax] ♪ Chack-ack-ack-skree ♪
[Dr. Braun] ♪ You guys also have jean shorts ♪
[Axatrax] ♪ I'll take you there someday ♪
♪ We'll find a way ♪
♪ To get some coal To fuel my landing craft ♪
- ♪ You'll love my world ♪ - [Dr. Braun] ♪ I love your world ♪
[music ends]