1
00:00:20,543 --> 00:00:22,834
‪(攻击!)

2
00:00:22,834 --> 00:00:25,293
‪是的 我想买由著名DJ发明的

3
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,834
‪加密货币

4
00:00:27,834 --> 00:00:28,959
‪什么?

5
00:00:31,668 --> 00:00:32,918
‪(我浪费了生命)

6
00:00:44,459 --> 00:00:46,501
‪(欢迎来到内布拉斯
‪乡巴佬州)

7
00:01:00,334 --> 00:01:01,876
‪欧洲沦陷了

8
00:01:01,876 --> 00:01:04,293
‪只剩华盛顿了

9
00:01:04,293 --> 00:01:07,834
‪很高兴能和你们一起服务

10
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,293
‪除了兰德尔

11
00:01:10,084 --> 00:01:11,626
‪我爸爸是你老板

12
00:01:11,626 --> 00:01:12,959
‪现在不是了 小子

13
00:01:13,918 --> 00:01:15,209
‪(华盛顿)

14
00:01:32,209 --> 00:01:33,334
‪他们是谁?

15
00:01:41,876 --> 00:01:43,043
‪(美国小姐)

16
00:01:43,043 --> 00:01:44,459
‪露西 小心!

17
00:01:47,501 --> 00:01:48,751
{\an8}‪三天前

18
00:01:48,751 --> 00:01:51,501
{\an8}‪如果有人告诉我外星人会炸毁地球

19
00:01:51,501 --> 00:01:53,126
{\an8}‪但我可以遇见你...

20
00:01:53,793 --> 00:01:55,834
{\an8}‪哦 好吧 现在?

21
00:01:55,834 --> 00:01:57,626
{\an8}‪时机有点怪 但是...

22
00:02:03,918 --> 00:02:05,418
‪去拯救地球吧 麦蒂!

23
00:02:05,418 --> 00:02:07,084
‪我可以的

24
00:02:07,084 --> 00:02:08,751
‪我也许不聪明

25
00:02:08,751 --> 00:02:10,543
‪我唯一真正的工作

26
00:02:10,543 --> 00:02:12,959
‪是让科学家在我的眼睛里喷香水

27
00:02:12,959 --> 00:02:14,918
‪所以我可能不擅长做规划

28
00:02:14,918 --> 00:02:17,543
‪比如计划怎么从家里到达...

29
00:02:17,543 --> 00:02:20,084
‪好的 酷 地球就指望你了

30
00:02:20,084 --> 00:02:23,584
‪但如果我能做一件事
‪那就是炒热气氛

31
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:36,751
‪(我浪费了生命!)

32
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:41,043
‪太好了!

33
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,043
‪麦蒂!

34
00:02:50,043 --> 00:02:51,459
‪坚持住!

35
00:02:53,584 --> 00:02:55,543
‪好吧 给我的饼干涂黄油

36
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:59,334
‪那个男孩做到的
‪他摧毁了外星人的蜂巢思维

37
00:03:12,418 --> 00:03:15,459
‪这才是我所谓的全垒打

38
00:03:21,293 --> 00:03:23,459
‪那我们现在怎么办?

39
00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:26,209
‪现在我们重建

40
00:03:26,209 --> 00:03:28,043
‪或是什么的

41
00:03:33,876 --> 00:03:36,501
‪好吧 现在我全裸了

42
00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:40,959
‪那就是打败我的那个人?酷

43
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,501
‪我把那艘船炸了

44
00:03:43,501 --> 00:03:45,876
‪非常好!我的妻子!

45
00:03:45,876 --> 00:03:48,876
‪我好像没听清你的名字 小伙子

46
00:03:48,876 --> 00:03:51,001
‪穆里根 麦蒂穆里根

47
00:03:51,001 --> 00:03:53,001
‪参议员卡特赖特拉马尔

48
00:03:53,001 --> 00:03:54,251
‪这是我的荣幸

49
00:03:54,251 --> 00:03:58,084
‪托你的福 一小撮珍贵的人类
‪得以幸存

50
00:03:58,084 --> 00:04:00,668
‪但这些人需要有人领导他们

51
00:04:01,251 --> 00:04:03,584
‪新世界的新英雄

52
00:04:03,584 --> 00:04:05,584
‪穆里根总统?

53
00:04:06,251 --> 00:04:08,376
‪听起来不错 参议员

54
00:04:08,876 --> 00:04:12,876
‪当然你需要有经验的人来辅佐你

55
00:04:13,918 --> 00:04:14,876
‪二把手

56
00:04:14,876 --> 00:04:18,126
‪当然 欢迎加入 长官

57
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:22,668
‪我很清楚我想让谁成为第一夫人

58
00:04:25,001 --> 00:04:26,709
‪手榴弹撞针!

59
00:04:26,709 --> 00:04:28,293
{\an8}‪就像童话故事一样

60
00:04:28,293 --> 00:04:32,001
{\an8}‪因为我们刚认识
‪在那之前我昏迷了一阵子

61
00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:36,834
‪麦蒂和露西!

62
00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:40,709
‪别担心 我和露西会解决一切的

63
00:04:40,709 --> 00:04:42,168
‪剧终

64
00:04:42,168 --> 00:04:46,334
‪麦蒂和露西!

65
00:04:46,334 --> 00:04:48,043
‪(第二天)

66
00:04:54,209 --> 00:04:56,043
‪我不该在学校睡那么多觉

67
00:04:56,043 --> 00:04:58,168
‪麦蒂 总统先生

68
00:04:58,168 --> 00:05:01,418
‪易燃与可燃是同义词还是反义词?

69
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:04,251
‪是同义词

70
00:05:04,251 --> 00:05:05,918
‪英文很好笑 对吧?

71
00:05:13,876 --> 00:05:17,501
‪穆里根

72
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:20,501
{\an8}‪(晚上7点宵禁 直到恢复电力)

73
00:05:21,001 --> 00:05:22,543
{\an8}‪(持久火焰)

74
00:05:27,626 --> 00:05:29,793
{\an8}‪真令人伤心

75
00:05:29,793 --> 00:05:31,209
{\an8}‪是啊

76
00:05:31,209 --> 00:05:34,834
{\an8}‪所有的空气和空间都消失了

77
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,168
‪天啊 这个时候当总统
‪真是最糟糕的时机了

78
00:05:38,168 --> 00:05:39,834
‪我们连电都没有

79
00:05:43,001 --> 00:05:45,168
‪很暖和 为什么?

80
00:05:45,168 --> 00:05:47,543
‪为了医院之类的

81
00:05:47,543 --> 00:05:49,876
‪至少我们还有彼此

82
00:05:49,876 --> 00:05:52,709
‪还有那个愚蠢的
‪华盛顿奇才队的吉祥物能逗我们笑

83
00:05:52,709 --> 00:05:55,834
‪(天啊!戏服和我的皮肤融为一体)

84
00:05:56,709 --> 00:05:57,668
‪我喜欢那家伙

85
00:05:57,668 --> 00:05:59,293
‪说得好 夫人

86
00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:04,834
‪我们很幸运能拥有一位
‪能言善辩、充满异国情调的第一夫人

87
00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:07,543
‪我还不是第一夫人呢 但我很期待

88
00:06:07,543 --> 00:06:09,543
‪我以内华达小姐的身份
‪启动了一个项目

89
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:12,043
‪将魔术表演的老虎和囚犯配对

90
00:06:12,043 --> 00:06:14,001
‪想想我作为第一夫人能做什么

91
00:06:14,001 --> 00:06:16,584
‪天啊 是麦蒂和露西!

92
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,334
‪的确是

93
00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:25,043
‪麦蒂和露西!

94
00:06:25,043 --> 00:06:27,709
‪你知道的!留在学校

95
00:06:28,626 --> 00:06:30,251
‪麦蒂和露西!

96
00:06:30,251 --> 00:06:31,543
‪(斯卡帕奇欧)

97
00:06:36,126 --> 00:06:38,043
‪(电 电话 食物!)

98
00:06:38,626 --> 00:06:41,668
‪手机 记得拒接电话吗?

99
00:06:42,293 --> 00:06:43,834
‪我很怀念

100
00:06:43,834 --> 00:06:45,834
‪你是哪里人?

101
00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:48,251
‪对了 我来自雷诺?你呢?

102
00:06:48,251 --> 00:06:49,918
‪波士顿 我喜欢运动

103
00:06:49,918 --> 00:06:52,376
‪所以 你是第一次来华盛顿?

104
00:06:52,376 --> 00:06:53,918
‪第一次去任何地方

105
00:06:53,918 --> 00:06:56,001
‪还有呢?你是哪种天主教徒?

106
00:06:56,001 --> 00:06:57,876
‪我真的很想了解你

107
00:06:57,876 --> 00:07:00,918
‪但我们还有更重要的事要做

108
00:07:00,918 --> 00:07:03,293
‪哦 没错 不用再说了

109
00:07:05,543 --> 00:07:06,626
‪天啊

110
00:07:08,126 --> 00:07:09,418
‪天啊

111
00:07:10,251 --> 00:07:11,543
‪(饮用水
‪公园用水)

112
00:07:11,543 --> 00:07:14,084
‪拜托 麦蒂 我相信你

113
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:18,209
‪-真的吗?
‪-你炸毁了整个外星军队

114
00:07:18,209 --> 00:07:22,418
‪你完全可以想出如何
‪“重启《速度与激情》系列”

115
00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:23,668
‪或是其中一部

116
00:07:23,668 --> 00:07:25,834
‪你又不是一个人抗下所有

117
00:07:25,834 --> 00:07:27,834
‪你有我和拉马尔

118
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:29,459
‪对 那家伙去哪了?

119
00:07:29,459 --> 00:07:32,709
‪全都赞成?全都反对?又是0比0

120
00:07:32,709 --> 00:07:34,959
‪也就是说副总统要打破平局了

121
00:07:34,959 --> 00:07:36,626
‪我投赞成票

122
00:07:36,626 --> 00:07:40,626
‪根据法律 金钱现在被认为是人

123
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:41,626
‪继续

124
00:07:41,626 --> 00:07:44,334
‪我只是想说 有很多人可以帮忙

125
00:07:44,334 --> 00:07:46,251
‪拉马尔先生已经在搞政治了

126
00:07:46,251 --> 00:07:48,918
‪我们为什么不找专家来做其他事呢?

127
00:07:48,918 --> 00:07:52,168
‪露西 这是个好主意!

128
00:07:52,168 --> 00:07:56,043
‪是的 这样我就能专注于我擅长的事

129
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:59,084
‪比如给所有人起外号 露西狗狗

130
00:07:59,084 --> 00:08:02,918
‪而专家们就可以解决
‪食物和水之类的问题

131
00:08:02,918 --> 00:08:06,001
‪希望能弄清楚鸟为什么这么饥渴

132
00:08:14,584 --> 00:08:16,209
{\an8}‪(多米诺披萨追踪器)

133
00:08:17,209 --> 00:08:22,251
‪苏万小姐 在这里组建内阁
‪真是个好主意

134
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:26,709
‪我很喜欢选美皇后
‪决定行政部门的政策

135
00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:28,626
‪不客气

136
00:08:29,751 --> 00:08:33,001
‪好吧 这些人是地球上最聪明的人

137
00:08:33,001 --> 00:08:34,584
‪是的 在袭击期间

138
00:08:34,584 --> 00:08:37,209
‪我们国家的大部分科学家和知识分子

139
00:08:37,209 --> 00:08:39,793
‪都乘坐杰夫贝佐斯的宇宙方舟
‪逃离了这个星球

140
00:08:39,793 --> 00:08:43,168
‪大家都嘲笑贝佐斯
‪现在谁笑到了最后?

141
00:08:43,168 --> 00:08:44,376
‪贝佐斯!

142
00:08:46,418 --> 00:08:48,126
‪贝佐斯赢了...

143
00:08:49,709 --> 00:08:53,251
‪但这就是为什么你让我来处理
‪无聊的立法工作

144
00:08:53,251 --> 00:08:56,543
‪从我很小的时候起 我一直担任

145
00:08:56,543 --> 00:08:59,209
‪参议院漏洞和细节问题
‪小组委员会主席

146
00:08:59,209 --> 00:09:01,418
‪当然 你是我的左膀右臂

147
00:09:01,418 --> 00:09:03,001
‪但我们需要帮助

148
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:06,584
‪从法拉布劳恩博士开始
‪她是个女科学家

149
00:09:06,584 --> 00:09:08,084
‪只要科学家就行

150
00:09:08,084 --> 00:09:09,501
‪我在国防部高级研究计划局

151
00:09:09,501 --> 00:09:13,668
‪现在我的重点是让自来水停止这样

152
00:09:13,668 --> 00:09:14,876
‪天啊

153
00:09:14,876 --> 00:09:17,084
‪但我照顾孩子们忙不开

154
00:09:17,084 --> 00:09:20,001
‪-妈妈 《游戏王》不动了!
‪-我想看《游戏王》!

155
00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:22,293
‪我说过了 互联网已经不存在了

156
00:09:22,293 --> 00:09:23,501
‪没有屏幕

157
00:09:24,043 --> 00:09:26,959
‪我的保姆都融化了 现在没有屏幕了

158
00:09:26,959 --> 00:09:29,793
‪如果没有电就没有电子产品吗?

159
00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:31,751
‪难道这不是“电”的意思吗?

160
00:09:31,751 --> 00:09:33,751
‪伊维萨的俱乐部会玩什么?

161
00:09:33,751 --> 00:09:35,918
‪我们在英国大使馆找到杰里米

162
00:09:35,918 --> 00:09:38,209
‪听听这口音 那家伙是个天才

163
00:09:38,209 --> 00:09:41,293
‪我们是要带摇头丸去听沉默吗?

164
00:09:41,293 --> 00:09:43,918
‪也许普罗洛教授可以回答这个问题
‪他懂历史

165
00:09:43,918 --> 00:09:46,584
‪那不是历史问题 而是比喻

166
00:09:46,584 --> 00:09:48,626
‪我们要按顺序绕桌

167
00:09:48,626 --> 00:09:51,001
‪所以 你好 我是西蒙普里欧

168
00:09:51,001 --> 00:09:54,459
‪我是乔治城的博士后
‪研究19世纪字体...

169
00:09:54,459 --> 00:09:57,293
‪现在你们所有人都会喜欢下一个男人

170
00:09:57,293 --> 00:09:59,043
‪斯卡帕奇欧将军 先生

171
00:09:59,043 --> 00:10:02,918
‪是的 作为一个重要的军人
‪我能开枪吗?

172
00:10:02,918 --> 00:10:05,334
‪当然了 先生 谢谢你的服务

173
00:10:05,334 --> 00:10:06,793
‪对不起 他多大了?

174
00:10:06,793 --> 00:10:09,209
‪哇 伙计 首先 这是种族歧视

175
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:12,168
‪其次 要支援部队 抱歉

176
00:10:12,168 --> 00:10:14,959
‪我们还找到了一个牙医和一个木匠

177
00:10:14,959 --> 00:10:18,334
‪不 我为卡朋特乐队唱了伴唱

178
00:10:19,001 --> 00:10:21,668
‪还有一个没有被炸飞的鞋店店主

179
00:10:21,668 --> 00:10:25,209
‪外面有很多碎片
‪大家会比以前更需要鞋子!

180
00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:27,834
‪作为未来的第一夫人
‪和你们的美国小姐

181
00:10:27,834 --> 00:10:31,501
‪我的事业是动物保护、儿童肥胖
‪和老年文盲

182
00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:34,126
‪露西苏万 瓦肖县 身高195

183
00:10:34,126 --> 00:10:38,001
‪等一下 但如果没有食物
‪哪来的肥胖呢?

184
00:10:38,001 --> 00:10:39,001
‪你解决了!

185
00:10:39,709 --> 00:10:43,084
‪对 自从袭击发生后
‪我就没见过很多老人了

186
00:10:43,084 --> 00:10:45,043
‪我们认为外星人先瞄准他们

187
00:10:45,043 --> 00:10:47,376
‪因为他们认为我们尊敬长辈

188
00:10:47,376 --> 00:10:49,584
‪但我很担心动物

189
00:10:49,584 --> 00:10:52,543
‪我今早去了国家动物园进行了调查

190
00:10:52,543 --> 00:10:54,584
‪我发现情况很不好

191
00:10:54,584 --> 00:10:57,668
‪要是大象没有爆炸 我们就没食物了

192
00:10:58,793 --> 00:11:00,084
‪最大的问题是电力

193
00:11:00,084 --> 00:11:02,459
‪备用发电机几乎不产生多少电

194
00:11:02,459 --> 00:11:04,543
‪连支持我的冰箱和工头烤架都做不到

195
00:11:04,543 --> 00:11:07,501
‪你确定不来个大象吗?

196
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:08,459
‪不用了 谢谢

197
00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:12,584
‪(大象是我的朋友)

198
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:14,709
‪(我不会说猩猩语!)

199
00:11:14,709 --> 00:11:17,126
‪动物园有发电机吗?

200
00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:20,334
‪那些可怜的动物
‪也许是世上仅存的同类了

201
00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:21,626
‪我们不能让它们灭绝

202
00:11:21,626 --> 00:11:23,751
‪说到永远失去

203
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:26,668
‪史密森尼博物馆好像还在起火

204
00:11:26,668 --> 00:11:29,584
‪想象一下如果我们失去了
‪伍德罗威尔逊的3K党头套

205
00:11:29,584 --> 00:11:30,918
‪我为什么要举这个例子?

206
00:11:30,918 --> 00:11:34,626
‪好吧 但瓶装水很快就用完了

207
00:11:34,626 --> 00:11:38,376
‪人们需要音乐

208
00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:40,293
‪我们从哪里开始 先生?

209
00:11:41,209 --> 00:11:45,126
‪为什么大家都看着我?
‪我不知道 你们是专家

210
00:11:45,126 --> 00:11:49,334
‪对 但你是总统 因为你擅长投球

211
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:52,418
‪拉马尔 你总让我签的是什么东西?

212
00:11:52,418 --> 00:11:55,084
‪行政命令 你们来吧

213
00:11:55,084 --> 00:11:56,501
‪总统说得对

214
00:11:56,501 --> 00:11:59,501
‪所有这些杂事不该让总统亲自过问

215
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:03,459
‪先生 你的工作不是参加无聊的会议
‪做出无聊的决定

216
00:12:03,459 --> 00:12:06,918
‪你和露西
‪你们的工作就是给人们希望

217
00:12:06,918 --> 00:12:09,501
‪那些人需要一个团结的理由

218
00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:12,043
‪他们需要英雄来分散他们的注意力...

219
00:12:12,043 --> 00:12:13,209
‪天啊

220
00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:15,876
‪我们为你们举办过胜利游行吗?

221
00:12:15,876 --> 00:12:19,293
‪没有 搞什么?

222
00:12:19,293 --> 00:12:20,501
‪我能挥手吗?

223
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:23,209
‪(胜利)

224
00:12:28,293 --> 00:12:29,668
‪-你好

225
00:12:29,668 --> 00:12:31,709
‪-谢谢
‪-不客气

226
00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:34,918
‪我其实很喜欢这活儿
‪在我的文化中 拉车是一种荣幸

227
00:12:34,918 --> 00:12:36,584
‪没人相信你 伙计

228
00:12:36,584 --> 00:12:39,459
‪我是将军
‪他们用我的名字命名了一种帽子

229
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,959
‪好吧 还不赖 露丝?

230
00:12:41,959 --> 00:12:43,876
‪大家都很开心

231
00:12:43,876 --> 00:12:47,126
‪这就像是雷诺的汽车经销店开业
‪我们是小弗兰克辛纳屈

232
00:12:48,043 --> 00:12:49,001
‪敬我们

233
00:12:49,584 --> 00:12:52,751
‪怎么是冷的?
‪你在哪里弄到的发电机?

234
00:12:52,751 --> 00:12:57,168
‪哦 发电机商店 没错 还开着呢

235
00:12:57,168 --> 00:12:58,501
‪对不起 科乔

236
00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:01,459
‪有个笨蛋偷了发电机
‪所有食物都坏了

237
00:13:01,459 --> 00:13:04,543
‪你和其他人从现在起要靠自己了

238
00:13:04,543 --> 00:13:10,126
‪(格里朋友
‪格里在科乔打造的新世界里)

239
00:13:11,626 --> 00:13:14,043
‪还有谁记得冷的意思呢?

240
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:15,876
‪对吧?我觉得冰冷的东西

241
00:13:15,876 --> 00:13:18,418
‪对冰人而言可能热得发烫

242
00:13:20,084 --> 00:13:21,168
‪天啊!

243
00:13:22,918 --> 00:13:23,876
‪麦蒂!

244
00:13:24,626 --> 00:13:25,959
‪无关!

245
00:13:25,959 --> 00:13:27,584
‪这都是他的错

246
00:13:27,584 --> 00:13:29,209
‪老兄 闭嘴!

247
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,543
‪你怎么能这样?

248
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,334
‪-你是禽兽!
‪-你最差劲!

249
00:13:34,001 --> 00:13:35,376
‪他们有什么问题?

250
00:13:35,376 --> 00:13:37,793
‪一群动物园的动物逃跑了

251
00:13:37,793 --> 00:13:40,751
‪只是因为我想给大家免费啤酒

252
00:13:40,751 --> 00:13:43,251
‪是的 很棒 但你可爱的民众很善变

253
00:13:43,251 --> 00:13:47,626
‪所以我们需要像钱瑟勒斯维尔的
‪石墙杰克逊那样的主心骨

254
00:13:47,626 --> 00:13:49,459
‪或马丁路德金博士

255
00:13:49,459 --> 00:13:51,251
‪这真的会让我们分心吗?

256
00:13:51,251 --> 00:13:55,043
‪我们的药和恐龙鸡块都快吃完了

257
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:57,376
‪我的人不会吃普通鸡块

258
00:13:57,376 --> 00:14:00,626
‪你有没有试过告诉他们
‪它们其实是恐龙蛋?

259
00:14:00,626 --> 00:14:03,376
‪当然有 副总统 我有两个博士学位

260
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,876
‪这一切很快会结束

261
00:14:04,876 --> 00:14:07,793
‪还记得查尔斯王子
‪把女仆打扮成女王的样子

262
00:14:07,793 --> 00:14:09,334
‪试图在浴缸里淹死她吗?

263
00:14:09,334 --> 00:14:11,251
‪那个新闻只火了一天

264
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:14,376
‪天啊 王子不是真的
‪这是真实的生活

265
00:14:14,376 --> 00:14:17,751
‪恐怕新闻周期不如从前那么快

266
00:14:17,751 --> 00:14:18,751
‪嘿 各位!

267
00:14:18,751 --> 00:14:22,293
‪总统拿走了发电机
‪现在动物园里的动物都逃走了

268
00:14:22,293 --> 00:14:25,626
‪你看到了吗?
‪因为总统 到处都是动物!

269
00:14:25,626 --> 00:14:27,376
‪我同意抗议者的意见

270
00:14:27,376 --> 00:14:30,459
‪嘘你!

271
00:14:30,459 --> 00:14:32,709
‪你知道动物是我的事业之一

272
00:14:32,709 --> 00:14:36,543
‪好吧 行政命令!
‪大家都要对我好一点

273
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,543
‪听着 我们需要一些好消息

274
00:14:38,543 --> 00:14:41,418
‪让我们的笨蛋选民分心的东西

275
00:14:41,418 --> 00:14:43,168
‪我在甩卖锐步鞋

276
00:14:43,168 --> 00:14:46,293
‪我也许可以对我的军事技术
‪进行逆向工程

277
00:14:46,293 --> 00:14:47,751
‪来净化水源

278
00:14:47,751 --> 00:14:49,668
‪但我下午没有人帮我带孩子

279
00:14:50,376 --> 00:14:52,959
‪那现在谁来照顾你的孩子?

280
00:14:53,584 --> 00:14:55,293
‪托德209号

281
00:14:55,293 --> 00:15:00,418
‪托德是我实验室研究的
‪超级机器人战士 他帮助对抗外星人

282
00:15:01,418 --> 00:15:05,293
‪不!托德不乖!对抗外星人!

283
00:15:08,084 --> 00:15:10,043
‪我跟他们说他还没准备好

284
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,251
‪不好意思 他在照顾你的孩子?

285
00:15:12,251 --> 00:15:16,001
‪你真的需要在事业和家庭之间
‪做出选择 博士

286
00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:17,126
‪还是吗?

287
00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:21,501
‪也许拯救史密森尼博物馆的藏品...

288
00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:24,959
‪“总统很糟糕”

289
00:15:24,959 --> 00:15:27,834
‪检查另一边 将军
‪上面写着“坏妈妈”吗?

290
00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:28,793
‪只有一面而已

291
00:15:28,793 --> 00:15:33,001
‪我们要把动乱扼杀在萌芽里

292
00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:36,959
‪你和苏万小姐明天就要结婚了

293
00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:37,876
‪明天?

294
00:15:37,876 --> 00:15:41,376
‪一场盛大的皇家婚礼

295
00:15:41,376 --> 00:15:44,001
‪会是个让人们兴奋的好话题

296
00:15:44,001 --> 00:15:46,918
‪嘿 我们的第一支舞
‪你可以选任何曲子 除了“乔克果酱”

297
00:15:46,918 --> 00:15:48,584
‪我不想嫁给你

298
00:15:49,501 --> 00:15:53,501
‪我以为我能做到
‪但那些动物现在没有家了

299
00:15:53,501 --> 00:15:54,543
‪因为你!

300
00:15:54,543 --> 00:15:55,918
‪谁在乎?

301
00:15:55,918 --> 00:15:58,709
‪人应该有发电机 而不是动物

302
00:15:58,709 --> 00:16:02,626
‪上帝 耶稣 人类 动物

303
00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:05,501
‪植物 鱼 虫子 泥土...

304
00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:07,709
‪我们可以回到婚礼的话题上来

305
00:16:07,709 --> 00:16:09,959
‪还有什么能让普通人分心?

306
00:16:10,543 --> 00:16:12,709
‪有人有蹦床吗?

307
00:16:12,709 --> 00:16:14,209
‪(正常办公室大楼)

308
00:16:16,126 --> 00:16:17,543
‪-敲敲门
‪-西蒙

309
00:16:18,293 --> 00:16:22,084
‪我本来要先打电话的 但没有电话

310
00:16:22,626 --> 00:16:25,626
‪-在我脑海里 我以为那是个玩笑
‪-真的吗?怎么会?

311
00:16:25,626 --> 00:16:29,168
‪不管怎样
‪我心想 布朗博士是科学家

312
00:16:29,168 --> 00:16:32,459
‪也许她有一些科学的东西
‪可以扑灭博物馆的火灾

313
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:36,584
‪去年我在为国防部研究云计算项目

314
00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:38,418
‪想法是如果我们能让天上降雨

315
00:16:38,418 --> 00:16:40,709
‪金正恩必须取消所有野餐

316
00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:44,001
‪但现在我无法访问内网

317
00:16:44,001 --> 00:16:47,001
‪所以我只能查到文件
‪而这些文件简直是一团乱

318
00:16:47,001 --> 00:16:49,084
‪这个都没放在正确的盒子里

319
00:16:49,084 --> 00:16:50,834
‪那些盒子 可不是嘛

320
00:16:51,751 --> 00:16:53,834
‪那是什么?抱歉我脑子有点乱

321
00:16:53,834 --> 00:16:57,043
‪工作的事 还有自从入侵以来
‪我的孩子就只有我了

322
00:16:57,709 --> 00:17:01,751
‪巨大的虫子 不 不要炸掉游戏商店!

323
00:17:02,626 --> 00:17:03,626
‪太令人崩溃了

324
00:17:03,626 --> 00:17:07,543
‪我们可能是地球上
‪最聪明的两个人了 西蒙

325
00:17:07,543 --> 00:17:11,293
‪但我们要独自拯救文明吗?

326
00:17:11,293 --> 00:17:13,918
‪托德明白 压力很大

327
00:17:13,918 --> 00:17:16,334
‪听起来我们都需要放松

328
00:17:16,334 --> 00:17:17,709
‪那个...

329
00:17:18,334 --> 00:17:21,168
‪(医用级99.9%酒精)

330
00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:26,168
‪(尼克松保龄球馆)

331
00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:31,668
‪你先炸了我的星球
‪现在又挡住我的保龄球道?

332
00:17:31,668 --> 00:17:34,043
‪如果你放我走 你就可以打保龄球了

333
00:17:34,043 --> 00:17:36,543
‪而且这根本不是保龄球棒

334
00:17:36,543 --> 00:17:38,751
‪难怪大家都讨厌尼克松

335
00:17:39,543 --> 00:17:41,043
‪今天还有什么会出错?

336
00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:44,543
‪艾克斯崔 两天前 我是英雄

337
00:17:44,543 --> 00:17:47,459
‪总统 跟一个性感美女打得火热

338
00:17:47,459 --> 00:17:49,834
‪可现在人人都生我的气

339
00:17:49,834 --> 00:17:53,251
‪听着 我明白

340
00:17:53,251 --> 00:17:55,793
‪我指挥了一支势不可挡的军队

341
00:17:55,793 --> 00:17:58,959
‪我有了梦想中的厨房 现在...

342
00:17:58,959 --> 00:18:01,293
‪你是个失败者 大家都恨你

343
00:18:01,293 --> 00:18:02,376
‪我明白 兄弟

344
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:06,418
‪太好了 我们建立感情了
‪你有讽刺吗?

345
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:09,834
‪我不知道在你入侵之前
‪你的生活什么样

346
00:18:09,834 --> 00:18:12,084
‪但我只会把一切都搞砸

347
00:18:12,084 --> 00:18:16,376
‪我的奖学金、我的棒球职业生涯
‪我和狗狗们一起成立的冰球联盟

348
00:18:16,376 --> 00:18:19,126
‪但之后我丢了一颗手榴弹...

349
00:18:19,126 --> 00:18:22,376
‪提醒过他们通风口要加盖的
‪那些会议有什么意义?

350
00:18:22,376 --> 00:18:23,834
‪我终于赢了

351
00:18:23,834 --> 00:18:27,668
‪我是说拯救地球是我做对的第一件事

352
00:18:27,668 --> 00:18:29,751
‪为什么不能每天都像那样?

353
00:18:29,751 --> 00:18:31,876
‪你想让我们再次入侵?

354
00:18:31,876 --> 00:18:32,834
‪不是 但...

355
00:18:33,918 --> 00:18:34,751
‪什么?

356
00:18:35,793 --> 00:18:36,668
‪什么?

357
00:18:37,668 --> 00:18:39,834
‪大家小心!它逃走了!

358
00:18:40,709 --> 00:18:43,793
‪我没有逃跑!这个人放我出去的...

359
00:18:45,293 --> 00:18:46,334
‪好痛 住手!

360
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,334
‪拜托 好痛!

361
00:18:49,334 --> 00:18:51,793
‪离开我的星球!

362
00:18:51,793 --> 00:18:54,876
‪露西 看!我又把你
‪从外星人手里救出来了!

363
00:18:54,876 --> 00:18:56,126
‪来吧 我们亲热吧!

364
00:18:56,126 --> 00:18:57,543
‪这太可悲了

365
00:18:57,543 --> 00:19:00,251
‪你把他放出去了
‪只是为了再捉他一次?

366
00:19:00,251 --> 00:19:04,001
‪-有人看到我的胳膊了吗?
‪-顺便说一句 你没有“救我”

367
00:19:04,001 --> 00:19:05,793
‪我在驾驶滑翔机

368
00:19:05,793 --> 00:19:09,418
‪选美比赛的奖品并不总是奖学金
‪有时候是空中滑翔课

369
00:19:09,418 --> 00:19:11,626
‪你因为婴儿背带挂在了我身上

370
00:19:11,626 --> 00:19:14,084
‪我不是婴儿 我的脚会碰到地面

371
00:19:14,084 --> 00:19:15,251
‪绿色的 差不多这么长

372
00:19:15,251 --> 00:19:17,834
‪你可能擅长投掷手榴弹 麦修穆里根

373
00:19:17,834 --> 00:19:21,501
‪但你不擅长当总统 因为你很自私

374
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:25,043
‪哦 是吗?你的愚蠢事业才是愚蠢的

375
00:19:25,043 --> 00:19:26,793
‪老人闻起来很奇怪

376
00:19:26,793 --> 00:19:28,001
‪肥胖儿童很好笑

377
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,293
‪而动物应该是食物

378
00:19:30,293 --> 00:19:32,626
‪我们应该吃掉它们

379
00:19:32,626 --> 00:19:35,793
‪我的天 你是最差的!

380
00:19:37,293 --> 00:19:40,043
‪不 等等 回来 我只是在唠叨

381
00:19:40,043 --> 00:19:41,209
‪就像书里写的那样

382
00:19:41,209 --> 00:19:42,793
‪露西!

383
00:19:43,709 --> 00:19:44,959
‪我喜欢

384
00:19:52,584 --> 00:19:54,376
‪她会来到 唠叨总是有用的

385
00:19:54,376 --> 00:19:55,668
‪嘿 别急

386
00:19:55,668 --> 00:19:58,501
‪我只是再次做神父很激动

387
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,126
‪重装上阵 宝贝

388
00:20:00,126 --> 00:20:02,751
‪总统先生 露西不来了

389
00:20:02,751 --> 00:20:05,334
‪如果你问我 这是个机会

390
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:06,751
‪你真的想

391
00:20:06,751 --> 00:20:10,043
‪跟一个满脑子想法的
‪喋喋不休的女人结婚吗?

392
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:12,918
‪但如果她不出现 那就太丢人了

393
00:20:12,918 --> 00:20:14,876
‪我要不要拉响火警器之类的?

394
00:20:14,876 --> 00:20:18,751
‪不 人民需要面包和马戏

395
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:19,959
‪对 就像油条

396
00:20:19,959 --> 00:20:21,751
‪相信我 我见过当人们对一场运动

397
00:20:21,751 --> 00:20:23,793
‪不再抱有幻想时会发生什么

398
00:20:23,793 --> 00:20:25,751
‪如果不给他们一些可以相信的东西

399
00:20:25,751 --> 00:20:28,584
‪那些嬉皮士会变成查理曼森

400
00:20:28,584 --> 00:20:31,543
‪所以我安排了后备计划

401
00:20:34,001 --> 00:20:36,709
‪-等等 安排了什么?
‪-桑德拉是橄榄球联盟的啦啦队员

402
00:20:36,709 --> 00:20:39,501
‪你知道她们不准穿内裤吗?

403
00:20:39,501 --> 00:20:41,709
‪等等 我觉得我应该先见见她

404
00:20:41,709 --> 00:20:44,334
‪我们是一个团队 孩子

405
00:20:44,334 --> 00:20:46,668
‪我是美国的大脑和手指

406
00:20:46,668 --> 00:20:49,043
‪但你是帅气的脸

407
00:20:49,043 --> 00:20:50,751
‪为了让我做好我的工作

408
00:20:50,751 --> 00:20:54,876
‪我只需要你微笑 给民众演场戏

409
00:20:56,459 --> 00:20:58,793
‪像画一样美吧?

410
00:20:58,793 --> 00:21:00,459
‪现在去把事做好!

411
00:21:01,251 --> 00:21:04,834
‪你有戒指吗
‪还是需要我帮你想办法?

412
00:21:07,918 --> 00:21:10,668
{\an8}‪我想我们错过了总统的婚礼

413
00:21:10,668 --> 00:21:12,043
‪去他的

414
00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:15,459
‪他肯定是史上最差的总统

415
00:21:15,459 --> 00:21:18,418
‪真的 好像干涸的沼泽

416
00:21:18,418 --> 00:21:19,709
‪死亡之光让它沸腾了

417
00:21:19,709 --> 00:21:22,126
‪别担心 我们还有几个白人负责人

418
00:21:22,126 --> 00:21:24,043
‪对!在外星人面前

419
00:21:24,043 --> 00:21:26,334
‪拉马尔参议员想让黑人历史月

420
00:21:26,334 --> 00:21:29,918
‪变成2月31日的节日

421
00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:34,084
‪总统告诉我他最喜欢的书
‪是《处刑人》的剧本

422
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,334
‪是的

423
00:21:35,334 --> 00:21:37,918
‪好吧 我们应该辞职

424
00:21:37,918 --> 00:21:41,209
‪当然 我是说 为什么要努力保护

425
00:21:41,209 --> 00:21:43,209
‪一个没人在意的世界?

426
00:21:43,209 --> 00:21:46,459
‪说真的 除了我们以外
‪史密森尼博物馆里唯一会让人怀念的

427
00:21:46,459 --> 00:21:48,334
‪就是方兹的夹克

428
00:21:48,334 --> 00:21:50,918
‪哦 不 我们不能失去方兹的夹克

429
00:21:50,918 --> 00:21:53,001
‪不然孩子们要怎么学习方兹?

430
00:21:55,209 --> 00:21:57,043
‪托德抢来了鸡尾酒

431
00:21:57,043 --> 00:21:58,251
‪耶!

432
00:21:59,834 --> 00:22:02,334
‪没有了我们 祝你好运 总统先生

433
00:22:02,918 --> 00:22:06,293
‪-哦 这里全是碎玻璃
‪-托德真是个米兰达

434
00:22:09,584 --> 00:22:13,793
‪-我受不了了
‪-这会变成常态吗?

435
00:22:13,793 --> 00:22:15,834
‪拉马尔要我娶这个啦啦队长

436
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,543
‪但我根本不认识她

437
00:22:17,543 --> 00:22:19,668
‪我也不太了解露西

438
00:22:19,668 --> 00:22:23,084
‪但她很勇敢 她在乎一些东西

439
00:22:23,084 --> 00:22:24,876
‪她完全是我的理想型

440
00:22:24,876 --> 00:22:26,709
‪是的 我记得你的重要演讲

441
00:22:26,709 --> 00:22:30,001
‪而且我不喜欢雀斑 说完了

442
00:22:30,001 --> 00:22:32,459
‪我跟那个小妞...

443
00:22:32,459 --> 00:22:33,959
‪拉马尔很生气

444
00:22:33,959 --> 00:22:36,626
‪他从尸体上摘下了手套 打了我

445
00:22:36,626 --> 00:22:40,334
‪但我不知道 我一直在想着露西

446
00:22:40,334 --> 00:22:43,084
‪她滑到了太空船上

447
00:22:43,084 --> 00:22:45,543
‪她说她相信我

448
00:22:45,543 --> 00:22:47,543
‪从来没有人对我这么说过

449
00:22:47,543 --> 00:22:50,793
‪我爸把石膏板生意留给了我妹妹

450
00:22:50,793 --> 00:22:51,709
‪好伤人

451
00:22:51,709 --> 00:22:55,459
‪但我跟露西闹掰了
‪就像我搞砸所有事那样

452
00:22:55,459 --> 00:22:57,459
‪-老实说 小艾...
‪-别这样叫我

453
00:22:57,459 --> 00:22:59,876
‪我内心深处希望你没来过这个星球

454
00:22:59,876 --> 00:23:01,959
‪-失望
‪-你为什么来这里?

455
00:23:01,959 --> 00:23:04,459
‪地球现在的评分是C-

456
00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:07,793
‪我的星球快死了

457
00:23:07,793 --> 00:23:10,959
‪我们把卡迪B的自然资源都用光了

458
00:23:10,959 --> 00:23:12,251
‪你的星球叫...

459
00:23:12,251 --> 00:23:13,876
‪那只是个意外

460
00:23:13,876 --> 00:23:15,793
‪在我们毒害了我们的环境后

461
00:23:15,793 --> 00:23:19,168
‪我的舰队被派去清理地球
‪用作下一个定居点

462
00:23:19,168 --> 00:23:21,209
‪我们想要从头再来

463
00:23:21,209 --> 00:23:23,584
‪一个做对事的机会

464
00:23:23,584 --> 00:23:25,834
‪太好了!就是这样!

465
00:23:25,834 --> 00:23:27,334
‪我是天才!

466
00:23:27,834 --> 00:23:30,751
‪-我知道你的胳膊会长回来的!
‪-我不相信你

467
00:23:31,834 --> 00:23:35,459
‪措施通过了
‪从受孕开始便可持有枪支

468
00:23:35,459 --> 00:23:36,543
‪拉马尔!

469
00:23:36,543 --> 00:23:38,543
‪行政命令!

470
00:23:40,084 --> 00:23:42,959
‪帮派在宵禁前还有几个小时

471
00:23:42,959 --> 00:23:44,501
‪检查电影清单

472
00:23:44,501 --> 00:23:46,918
‪以下电影正在播出

473
00:23:46,918 --> 00:23:48,168
‪没有电影

474
00:23:48,168 --> 00:23:49,834
‪-我开玩笑的
‪-嘿

475
00:23:49,834 --> 00:23:53,543
‪你们得去国家广场
‪这是行政命令

476
00:23:54,626 --> 00:23:56,251
‪(动物园)

477
00:23:56,834 --> 00:23:59,501
‪别害怕 小动物们 哼唧哼唧

478
00:23:59,501 --> 00:24:00,918
‪嚎叫!

479
00:24:01,418 --> 00:24:02,418
‪长颈鹿的声音?

480
00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:04,918
‪-露西
‪-该死的 麦蒂

481
00:24:04,918 --> 00:24:06,168
‪你怎么找到我的?

482
00:24:06,168 --> 00:24:08,543
‪三个字 直升机

483
00:24:08,543 --> 00:24:11,001
‪嗨 露西 我开了直升机!

484
00:24:11,001 --> 00:24:12,543
‪嗨 斯卡帕奇欧将军

485
00:24:12,543 --> 00:24:13,751
‪你想怎样 麦蒂?

486
00:24:13,751 --> 00:24:15,959
‪我有东西给你看

487
00:24:17,251 --> 00:24:19,251
‪-求你了?
‪-好吧

488
00:24:24,376 --> 00:24:25,459
‪长颈鹿的声音?

489
00:24:30,834 --> 00:24:32,459
‪等等 是你干的?

490
00:24:32,459 --> 00:24:35,043
‪对 我给所有人下达执行命令

491
00:24:35,043 --> 00:24:37,918
‪把变质的啤酒用来灭火

492
00:24:37,918 --> 00:24:40,334
{\an8}‪为了拯救那些破烂

493
00:24:40,918 --> 00:24:43,293
‪我不是总考虑自己

494
00:24:43,293 --> 00:24:45,668
‪总统先生 太棒了!

495
00:24:45,668 --> 00:24:46,834
‪你这么想?

496
00:24:46,834 --> 00:24:50,126
‪我意识到这整个烂摊子可能是个机遇

497
00:24:50,126 --> 00:24:54,334
‪重新开始的机会!
‪《美国2:续集》!

498
00:24:54,334 --> 00:24:57,376
‪听你这描述 更像是重启 而不是续集
‪但是好吧

499
00:24:57,376 --> 00:24:59,668
‪我们以前很登对

500
00:24:59,668 --> 00:25:03,584
‪还记得那个炸鸡三明治吗?
‪用炸鸡做面包?

501
00:25:03,584 --> 00:25:07,584
‪但是 好吧 我要说 美国并不完美

502
00:25:07,584 --> 00:25:09,959
‪-什么?别这么说
‪-不是吗?为什么不告诉我?

503
00:25:09,959 --> 00:25:12,793
‪因为有些人无法得到公平的待遇

504
00:25:13,418 --> 00:25:15,793
‪不管他申请了多少次《单身汉》

505
00:25:16,668 --> 00:25:18,376
‪所以我们要创造一个新世界

506
00:25:18,959 --> 00:25:21,793
‪像我这样的男人也可以赢一次

507
00:25:21,793 --> 00:25:24,501
‪哇 好吧 也许吧

508
00:25:24,501 --> 00:25:28,126
‪还有 也许我们可以实现
‪《独立宣言》的承诺

509
00:25:28,126 --> 00:25:31,626
‪我们终于可以实现同工同酬
‪和全民托儿服务

510
00:25:33,459 --> 00:25:35,209
‪-对
‪-真好笑 法拉

511
00:25:35,209 --> 00:25:38,376
‪-该死
‪-所以我们来挽救些东西吧

512
00:25:38,376 --> 00:25:40,584
‪但只挽救好东西

513
00:25:40,584 --> 00:25:42,751
‪我知道你有多关心历史

514
00:25:43,418 --> 00:25:44,709
‪这是方兹的夹克

515
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:48,584
‪是的 历史 谢谢你 总统先生

516
00:25:49,168 --> 00:25:51,626
‪怎么样?我们可以重新开始吗?

517
00:25:51,626 --> 00:25:56,543
‪每个人都应该有第二次机会
‪哪怕是全世界

518
00:25:56,543 --> 00:25:59,709
‪所以 你和我要进行真正意义上的
‪第一次约会了?

519
00:25:59,709 --> 00:26:01,876
‪我不知道有没有橄榄园幸存下来

520
00:26:01,876 --> 00:26:03,876
‪但不要去橄榄园 好吗?

521
00:26:04,459 --> 00:26:07,043
‪我们都重新开始吧 一张白纸!

522
00:26:07,043 --> 00:26:09,126
‪这次我们要做对

523
00:26:09,126 --> 00:26:10,584
‪是的 这是新的...

524
00:26:10,584 --> 00:26:14,418
‪错误 更换脑缸液体 错误

525
00:26:16,918 --> 00:26:17,834
‪-这家伙
‪-托德

526
00:26:17,834 --> 00:26:19,293
‪-托德的典型作风
‪-可不是嘛

527
00:26:19,293 --> 00:26:20,543
‪天啊 我的孩子们呢?

528
00:26:21,793 --> 00:26:24,334
‪那个男孩可能是个问题

529
00:26:34,668 --> 00:26:36,918
‪各位 我找到一个小号!

530
00:27:26,001 --> 00:27:27,918
‪字幕翻译:肖雪