[whimsical music playing]
[water splashes]
[stuffed animal] I don't wanna go to Earth.
Coleman, send the little boat to get me.
Coleman? Nah, there's no Coleman here.
Haha, very funny. Trading Places.
Come on. I'm sick of this stupid country.
I just wanna take a shower, get in my jammies,
put on a porno, and shoot some dolphins.
Sorry, mate, you must have the wrong yacht.
You know that's my yacht, Coleman.
I'm the one who pays you.
From what me and the Sheilas can tell,
money's not really a fair suck anymore.
On your bike, mate.
[Zhao] What?
No, come back!
My watch collection is on there!
[rave music playing faintly]
[theme music playing]
[board squeaking]
Mr. President, why did I have to hear about this in the news?
There's two times as many ladies as fellows now.
But no one could ever replace my Eufie.
What's the problem? It's awesome.
No, sir. Our new demographics do not fill me with awe.
They fill me with eek.
We men are outnumbered.
What will America's fairer sex do with that power?
I shudder to think.
And now I'm thinking on it.
[shudders]
It's a big one.
Huh. Yeah, you know, growing up, I had five sisters, all named Megan,
and if they ganged up, I was screwed.
We spent my 10th birthday shoplifting at Limited Too.
I wanted to shoplift at GameStop.
Well, now think what 800 Megans could do to this country.
I shudder to.
Federal funding for menstrual belts, bosoms on Mount Rushmore.
No, what we need is a wedge issue to keep them from uniting.
God, guns, and gays are the classics,
as immortalized on the ceiling in the Oval Office if you'll just look up.
There you see Jesus giving muskets to the pilgrims
to fight off a boat full of Oscar Wildeses.
It's allegorical. There's also a dinosaur.
How did I never notice that?
Why, if we can find the right distraction,
then the estrogenious electorate will be too busy fighting each other
to interfere with our own testosteronious plans.
Right. Like how I'd get the Megans one ticket to New Kids.
And while they were fighting over it,
I'd sneak into their room and practice bras.
Well, now you're on the trolley.
Women are a lot like crows, sir.
You give 'em something shiny, they'll peck each other to death over it.
- Something like a stamp. - [banjo strums]
He is not messing with you girls.
This is for real,
but obviously, only one woman can be on it.
And what an honor this honor is.
Gosh, imagine being on a stamp, like the word "forever."
Boy, stamps sure bring me back.
You know, Rick James fired me from his tour by certified mail.
This is so cool.
I know I wasn't invited to this meeting, but stamps! [chuckles]
I'm something of a philatelist.
Okay, I have work to do.
I've gotten nowhere on decontaminating the tap water,
so I'm working on an aerosolized hallucinogen
that will trick people into drinking Dasani.
We're all busy, Farrah, but this is important. And it'll be fun.
It's frivolous and insipid. A stamp?
There isn't even a post office. It's just that lady on a horse.
- Valpaks, citizens! - [patriotic music plays]
- I deliver hope! - [horse whinnies]
Ya!
Maybe I could help with the design!
I mean, designing stamps has always just been a hobby for me, but...
Ooh, did that art supply store in Dupont Circle survive?
I'll be right back.
Representation matters, Dr. Braun.
When I was a little girl, Angela Perez Baraquio
became the first Asian-American Miss America, and that inspired me...
To be a beauty queen? Yeah, let's encourage more of that.
[Dr. Braun groans]
I've gotta get back to the lab.
I can't possibly cram anything else in, especially something this pointless.
In bed. [chuckles]
Hey, the president just made a joke. Respect the office.
Well, of course, sir. In bed. Very funny.
It's just, uh, a bit of a thinker,
but now that I get it...
[laughs]
...mirth!
Hey, folks, are you a lady, or know someone who is?
Do the stamp contest!
Coming up next, a bumpy road.
[Zhao shivering]
- [groans] - Hey, suit, no loitering!
You think I wanna be here? I should be on my yacht.
It's called Kiss My Boat.
I paid someone a million dollars to come up with that for me.
So you don't got a job?
No, this is my job.
I'm at the money-burning office, idiot.
- [man grunts] - [Zhao yelps]
You almost done cleaning up your mess?
Most of this isn't mine, you know.
I don't smoke Kools.
[Axatrax groans]
On my planet, we have a thing called a chore wheel.
It crushes those who do not complete their chores.
You... [yelps]
Have a nice trip. See you next fall.
Huh? [laughs]
Okay, that is hilarious.
Did you just come up with that?
Yeah, I just came up with it.
Well, thank you for the laugh.
Hey, uh, put back that cheese,
'cause it's na-cho cheese.
[laughs]
You, sir, are on fire.
Yeah, I'm pretty quick.
In bed.
[laughs]
[chuckles] I'm not though.
[Axatrax laughing, screeching]
[chittering]
No!
[Dr. Braun sighs]
- [Lucy] Knock, knock. - Oh good. You said it and did it.
Um, you know what, Farrah? Nice isn't just a city in France.
It's also a thing you can be, and you weren't it.
What?
You were mean, but I'm not giving up on this friendship.
So we are having a girls' day out.
I got us tickets to that play that's still running.
Oh, it's Annie. I took my kids.
It really doesn't hold up post-attack.
Your dog, huh? So, what's his name?
- Okay, let's see him answer to his name. - [audience member cries]
We don't have to be friends just because we're women.
My first postdoc fellowship back in the '90s...
I had a class on the '90s in high school.
Cool. Anyway, there was only one other woman in the lab,
so of course they stuck us together.
We had funding from the military
to see if we could train chimps to use flamethrowers.
The Geneva Convention makes assumptions about combatants being human.
It was kind of an Air Bud situation.
1997. Air Bud was on the final.
[Dr. Braun] Vicky was a primatologist, and I'm a biotech neuroengineer,
but since we both had two X chromosomes, she thought we should be BFFs.
Maybe if she'd spent more time doing her job
and less time bonding about what a boys' club ape research is,
she would have remembered to constipate the chimps
before a visit from the president.
Oh man. Sheesh.
Last I heard of Vicky, she was writing for the "science section"
of The New York Times.
So that's how you see me?
Like I'm just some dumb work acquaintance?
[groans] I'm just saying, I'm under a lot of pressure
to fix everything in the whole world right now,
and I'm not sure female friendship is gonna help me do that. Sorry.
[TOD-209] TOD caught more rats for Dasani.
Poor rats.
But if you need a woman to be friends with,
we don't technically know TOD's gender.
[TOD-209] Wait, what?
Voice modulator...
[female TOD-209] ...recalibrated?
There you go. Have fun at brunch.
Fine. We will. We'll have a great time together.
TOD, your brain looks so good today.
[female TOD-209] Really? TOD can't do anything with it in this humidity.
- [Matty] Knock, knock. - Who's there?
- Boo. - Boo? Who?
Why are you crying, bro?
[laughs]
Hey, you like math?
[Axatrax] What is this integer?
One percent of the number of human deaths?
I guess that is kind of funny.
Whoopsie. It's upside down.
[Axatrax] "Boobless."
Out of numbers.
You are a regular Jeeblort Goldfarb.
He's a Cardibean comedian. He does this bit on spaceship food...
I actually just flew in earlier,
and boy, are my arms tired.
[laughs]
I'm like so random.
So, what skills you got, Mr. Zhao?
Uh, I run Zhao Enterprises.
Soccer teams, horse racing, dog food, Chinese Netflix.
Okay, cool. But we're fixing, like, a whole city.
Can you do trains or... or pipes?
[grunts] These hands ain't never done a day of work, sir.
I feel like I'm dancing with a marshmallow lady.
Do you have any idea who I am?
I'm Johnny Zhao. I went to Wharton.
My dad got me an internship with Chairman Xi himself.
I spent the summer personally censoring
all images of Winnie the Pooh off the Internet.
He gave me a medal.
[in Mandarin] Thank you, Chairman Xi! You don't look like him at all.
[in English] Oh, you're fancy.
Then you should probably work someplace fancy.
I've seen this before. My cleaning lady is, like, obsessed with these things.
Why are you giving it to me?
[Zhao grunts, groans]
Careful handling the glorb sac.
The what?
[yelps, groans]
You got glorbed! [chuckling]
[children speaking indistinctly]
You're testing the pH levels, right?
We learned about that in school before my teacher burnt.
Oh, are you interested in science? I could use some help.
- Oh, sure. - Style section.
Want beachy waves like our First Lady?
The secret is glorb sac juice.
Whoa!
Breaking news! My seat broke! [chuckles]
I want beachy waves like Lucy.
There's a glorb sac over there.
- [groans] Come on. - Now I'm gonna win the stamp contest.
[groans]
[banjo strums]
Johnny, you're still here.
But where's your friend, suitcase full of money?
I burned her to stay warm.
I've never been cold before. It's terrible.
And wiping your own ass is disgusting.
Do you know what comes out of there?
[groans] You gotta help me, man.
What happened to your beautiful marshmallow-lady hands?
Your stupid army is making me clean up your stupid streets,
and I got paid in barbecue sauce packets and a quarter.
What am I supposed to with a quarter? Even before?
Johnny, if money were still a thing, and you were still a donor,
why, you could barge in here and defile me and my office in whatever way you saw fit.
But you're just a human being now,
so I'm not sure how the government can help you.
You can give me a cushy job.
Can I be ambassador to some country that blew up, like Crambada?
I don't know things. I went to Wharton.
Look, we're all having a tough time.
I mean, I found out yesterday the world is mostly women.
But did I go crying to Mama? No.
I gave her her milk, put her to bed, then got to work fixing the problem.
Your mother's alive?
You need to focus on pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.
Don't send me back out there.
[LaMarr] I'll be happy to help you, Johnny,
just as soon as you are once again in a position to help me in return.
One hand washes the other.
That doesn't mean anything to me.
I had a hand-washing guy who lived in my sink.
Okay, bye now.
Ladies, thank you all for coming to this very important stamp thing.
Now, while there can only be one winner,
there will be many, many losers.
So let's not let this contest sow discord among you.
I don't wanna see ya'll tearing each other's wigs off
like a Black Friday sale at one of the many Dress Barn franchises I own.
I will enter the stamp contest.
Why'd you say it like that? Bitch, I don't know your life.
But you said this was stupid.
I believe the words were "insipid" and "frivolous."
But, Lucy, you think that this thing is totally sipid and full of frivol.
Yeah, Farrah, I thought you had more important things to do.
Well, I realized it is important to give kids a good role model.
Someone who reads books that weren't written by a Kardashian.
Um, technically, Brody Jenner isn't a Kardashian.
I guess somebody here just looks like a librarian.
[Matty] Oh!
Ladies, please.
It's already gonna be hard enough to choose a stamp face
from all these lovely and ugly options.
We value all kinds.
Well, your decision shouldn't be based on appearance.
It should be based on merit. So I think we should each write an essay...
Oh, Farrah, that idea is dumb and unfair.
Is this Christmas? Because the Claus are out.
Obviously, a words contest helps Dr. Braun.
So I think we should all get to show off what we do best.
- Wanda can sing. - Okay.
I can talk about world peace in a bathing suit.
I can chug a whole gallon of milk. It doesn't have to be fresh.
Oh, so this is just a full-on pageant now?
Well, I think that's a wonderful idea.
We'll do it out on the mall so the victory and shame could be public.
We'll need a male host so it's not just chaos up there.
President Mulligan should do it.
He is hilarious. He came up with a joke on a calculator. The...
[Matty] Da, da, da, da!
Don't say it, 'cause I'm probably gonna use that joke at the pageant.
Axatrax, may I speak with you?
You folks are in for a treat.
You did not come up with those jokes?
I take back my laughter.
No way, no take-backs.
But now, thanks to you, I gotta host a whole pageant.
You gotta help me out here, Axie.
How? I obviously don't know Earth humor.
Exactly. But no one here knows Cardi-B jokes.
You want to steal Jeeblort Goldfarb's act.
Down to the last snorg.
Did you just try to guess our word for joke?
Was I close?
Yes. But why should I help you?
Because I know your arms grow back.
I would be happy to help.
[Vance] Hey, it's the morning news!
What's everyone wearing to the stamp pageant?
Local news personality Vance Barry will be wearing this.
In other news, my seat's still broke.
Owie, ow, ow, ow.
- [rave music playing] - [Coleman chuckles] Nice.
That should be me out there. Not the boat, one of the people on it.
Hey, college, get to work!
So where in Russia are you from?
Coleman, wait, I'm coming!
[breathing heavily]
[grunts]
[screaming, straining]
I don't have my water wings!
Who has my water wings?
[dramatic music playing]
[bubbling]
[exhales]
- [gentle music playing] - Uncle Xi? You saved me.
But what do I do now?
You can do anything.
[Winnie the Pooh] Even nothing.
Yes. Thank you, Xi Dada.
I can do anything.
[whimsical music plays]
[Winnie the Pooh] I sure like honey in my tummy.
[Zhao] No duh.
It's one of the things everyone knows about you.
Damn it. Where is TOD?
[female TOD-209 and Lucy chuckling]
- [Lucy] Oh, TOD. - [female TOD-109] We are bonding.
[Lucy] Boop! [chuckles]
- What do you think you're doing? - [female TOD-209] TOD owning sexuality.
TOD thinks smoky eye for pageant.
No, this is getting ridiculous. I'm gonna switch you back.
Excuse me, that's TOD's voice modulator knob.
TOD can choose for him or herself.
No, TOD can't.
Go back to the lab, and clean your brain tank.
[dramatic music plays]
[female TOD-209] No, TOD want to stay with Lucy.
Lucy say TOD's brain stem look toned, like in magazine.
- [Dr. Braun] Agh! - Hey, you told TOD to go with me.
What do you care anyway? I thought you didn't need friends.
Okay, sure. You know what?
I know you think this is your "milieu"...
[Lucy] I do?
...but you're messing with the wrong scientist.
[gasps] Ooh, I'm so scared.
Well, you should be, because you know who else was a scientist?
Robert Oppenheimer.
I mean, the bad guy from Sonic the Hedgehog.
- [gasps] - [dramatic sting]
The wedge.
It may be my least favorite salad and shoe,
but it's my most favorite... this. Whatever.
Who am I talking to?
[Dr. Braun] Right. Hm. Okay, Lucy,
how'd you like a sonic cannon to make you lose control of your bowels?
Or an electrified net to make you lose control of your bowels?
Or a laxative gas...
God, Rumsfeld was, like, obsessed.
Mm-hmm.
[suspenseful music playing]
[gun cocks]
- [gun fires] - [Lucy] Ooh.
[gurgling]
[groans] I feel weird.
- [crowd gasps] - [indistinct chatter]
Ah, I eat boogers.
[crowd gasps]
[laughing]
Huh? [groans]
[groans]
Oh God, missy. [inhales]
[groans]
[whimsical music playing]
What?
We took two scientisesses, that's female scientists,
and made them work together on this fake chimp thing.
In order to activate the inherent cattiness of the human subjects,
we injected the chimps with a powerful and very laxative fear hormone.
The subjects have, as predicted, turned on each other.
I don't understand. I gave them all a full workup yesterday.
Well, obviously you didn't.
Well, maybe they're stressing out because you're an uptight B-word.
No, no, not banana. Not banan... Oh, damn it!
As you can see, the slightest complication has created a wedge between them.
Just like the painting on the ceiling in my office.
Females simply can't get along, sir.
So good news.
The way we already treat women has now been fully justified by science.
Oh man, I do love science.
[chuckles]
Wow.
[crowd cheering]
All right. What's up, America?
Thanks for coming out to choose your next lady for the stamp lady.
Why, I haven't seen this many hotties since my visit to Calderon-4.
Because of their 30 suns.
[coughs]
So, um... [clears throat]
Uh, and what is up with the food on spaceships?
You get that little bag of Malzorbian tree testicles,
and then there's only, like, five testicles in there.
- Right? - [crowd groans]
[whispers] Do your impression of Vice Chancellor Zarkovon.
Cha-ch-cha-ka-ti-ti-ka-ta fleeeee!
[man] Boo.
[crowd] Boo!
What the hell, Axatrax? I'm bombing out there.
- This crowd sucks. - I have to make them like me.
What do I do? Kisses are money now, right?
Hmm.
Why do you have this insatiable need to be loved?
What? No, I don't need love.
I've been doing without love since I was a kid, smartypants,
and I turned out completely Mom.
Tell me about your mother.
Why? She was just a normal mom.
I mean, she was a greeter at Kmart,
so she didn't have the energy to say hi at home too.
She named me after her dad she never met.
Every couple of weeks, she'd go missing. We'd find her crying at the bus station.
You know, the usual.
You are the youngest, right?
Oh my... What do my sisters gotta do with this?
I once went a year without speaking just to see if anyone would notice.
So what? They didn't, okay?
So why bring this stuff up? [chuckles nervously]
You want that crowd
to give you the validation you never got as a child.
Who knew humans were so emotionally complex?
In bed.
[sighs]
I have an idea.
- [sniffles] - [whimsical music plays]
All right, you want bootstraps, LaMarr?
I'll show you bootstraps.
Or I would, but I only wear sneakers designed by mentally insane rappers.
Um, do you, like, work here?
We booked a private weeks ago.
Tomorrow is my special day!
Okay, she has, like, a piece of alien ship in her brain.
So she wakes up every day thinking, like, tomorrow is her wedding.
So can you help us out?
Huh. [grunts]
[strains] I've gotta look hot for Derek!
[ding]
[whimsical music playing]
[female TOD-209] But never in all the times that I had this dream
did the knight say to me,
"Come on, baby. I'll put you up in a great condo."
[crowd applauding]
Great, great, give it up for TOD-209,
doing a monologue from Pretty Woman.
All right, um, so anybody here from out of town?
Oh, I know that guy is, from way out of town.
[all chuckle]
- Okay. - Axatrax, everybody.
What a freak. You guys are not an attractive species.
Oh my God. I can't tell if you don't have genitals
or if you only have genitals.
[crowd chuckles]
My genitals are on the back of my skull just like everyone else's.
So the other alien never has to look at your face.
I mean, I'd take sick ET over you.
[chuckling continues]
When you phone home, they're like, "New phone, who dis?"
'Cause you're so ugly. [chuckles]
But speaking of the opposite of that,
please give it up for our next contestant,
my First Lady, Lucy Suwan.
[all applauding]
Wait, I have something to say.
That's not her. Lucy is smoking hot.
- Hey, it's not your turn. - That's her.
Lucy, while we were studying the chimps, the men were studying us.
Yeah, I've been to the zoo, Farrah.
No, I found the chimp study.
It wasn't Vicky's fault that Project Ape Storm failed.
The other scientists were trying to turn us against each other.
And these men are still doing it.
Farrah Braun doing a monologue from Dunston Checks In, I guess.
I was wrong.
This stamp thing isn't just a stupid distraction.
It's a conscious effort to keep us powerless.
Oh heavens. My beloved wedge is turning into a kitten heel.
I don't collect ladies' shoes.
You are a good role model because you support other women,
no matter how much of a banana they're being.
You should be on that stamp.
But I shouldn't be on it alone, because we are united.
No, you're... You're not.
[in feminine voice] I should be on a stamp alone.
I hate you all.
Ignore her. We're all in this together,
so we should all be on the stamp together.
- Every woman in the city. - Whoo-hoo!
[all applauding and cheering]
[joyful music playing]
Farrah, I found you and me.
[Dr. Braun] Aw.
We're all on here.
Wait a minute.
[gasps, scoffs]
It's Chuck Norris.
LaMarr used our faces to make a Chuck Norris stamp.
- The guy from Sidekicks? - [LaMarr] Huh.
I don't see it.
I sure hope this doesn't ruin your little celebration.
I am not celebrating Mr. Chuck Norris.
He gave me a fake number at a CableACE Awards after-party.
[female TOD-209] Being a woman is just no win,
and TOD confused...
[male TOD-209] ...enough as is.
- Okay, makes sense. - [groans] Yeah.
[whimsical music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, thanks for helping me out the other night.
Insult humor. It is universal.
This still doesn't make up for you blowing up my entire planet,
but, um, I owe you one.
Actually, now that you mention it, I could use some magnet wire...
to build myself a robot to have sex with.
For sex.
In bed.
[both chuckle]
Oh man.
Still got it.
[Simon panting]
You guys did the stamp contest without me?
I'm pretty sure you were there.
No, I wasn't.
The... The zoo apes detained me for trespassing.
They're building a whole society in Rock Creek Park,
and someone taught them to use flamethrowers.
Oh my God!
A stamp of Chuck Norris!
[Simon sobbing]
[whistling]
And now, an editorial from our publisher.
Vice President LaMarr is stupid.
What in Billy Graham's boots and blazer are you doing on the news?
I own the news, CL.
I gave this guy a new bike seat, and now we're partners.
You proved me right, Johnny. My door is always open.
Now a political cartoon.
There's a poop in a toilet, and the poop says "LaMarr" on it.
[chuckles] Freedom of the press.
[Axatrax whistling]
[Axatrax chuckles]
"Nacho cheese."
Humans are more interesting than I thought.
It will be a shame to annihilate what's left of them.
- What you got under there? - Under where?
[chuckles]
I made you say underwear.
Oh my God, he walked right into it. What a doofus.
Don't ask anyone, but I came up with that.
[Axatrax chuckles]
[whimsical music playing]
[music ends]