- Argh! Walk the plank!
- [loud wailing] - [groans]
There goes another one.
- [wailing continues]
- My sister Ellen and her boyfriend Gordie
broke up...again!
It's pretty much wrecking everything.
Please enjoy this deeply disturbing flashback
to see what I mean.
- Nothing like a little father and son bonding,
don't you think?
- [loud sobbing] - [screams]
Huh, only a little expired.
- [loud sobbing] - Ah!
Aww...oof! - Gah!
- Ow! Dad! - Shh.
- Is she done?
- [loud wailing]
- Ah!
- [sobbing] - [groans]
This can't go on.
[upbeat music]
- * Don't want to go to school today *
* The sun is red hot and I wanna play *
* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *
* Detention again *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *
* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *
- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *
* Big Nate *
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- If a year's worth of sugar and cheesy romance novels
gets my sister to stop crying, I'm game.
- "The Purposefully Accidental Bride."
Ooh, "Crabby Lust",
"Love Doth Know No Calories?" Mmm.
You old enough for these, brother?
- [chuckles] Yeah, brother.
Pretty sure I am.
- Hey, Zudy, one more restock
on Jane Steele's new book.
- Huh. This Jane Steele lady, she's pretty popular, huh?
- Uh, yeah, little bro.
Romance novels are major cash cows.
- [gasps] Cash cow?
- I totally would've written a bunch of these myself by now,
but I need inspiration, you know?
I need a muse. - A muse, huh?
Ellen! Breakup present.
You're welcome.
- People that say "you're welcome"
without getting thanked are lame.
- [groans]
- Oh, my God, I know. - [groans]
- I can't believe it either. Yeah, seriously.
Why can't the guys in real life be like
the ones in the Jane Steele books, you know?
- Romance novels are major cash cows.
All you need is a muse, muse, muse.
[cow mooing]
- Moo, moo, moo.
- All these thought bubbles are giving me a bright idea.
Time to turn Ellen's teenage turmoil
into cold hard cash.
- I couldn't believe it either.
I mean we both know there's someone else, right?
I wish somebody was out there, somebody who would--
- Okay, so we open with a princess,
sad and alone, and really bad at singing.
Like, animals die when she sings.
- [wailing]
- Then some prince dumps her,
so she's acting all lame and crying and stuff.
But then she meets a headless farmhand.
Oh, yeah.
They get married and have lots of weird babies
and everything's great.
But then, Headless Guy totally runs off
with her best maiden, leaving the princess alone again,
but now with two babies to care for.
And finished!
"Belle's a Ringin: A Tale of Love, Loss, and Headless Lust."
Hey, hey, I know what you're thinking.
Borrowing Ellen's pathetic life
for my own personal gain. Uncool.
But hey, it's not like she's gonna know.
Okay, let's see, let's see. Fine print, fine print.
Rules, rules, rules, rules, rules.
Submission guidelines. Ooh, ooh!
I get to pick a pen name.
Wayne...uh--
[dog howls]
Canine, attorney at law.
Profile photo? Uh-oh.
Okay, let's see.
"Super awesome guy man dude person."
Huh. I guess this guy looks pretty cool.
Yeah, just needs a mustache.
Ha! The resemblance is uncanny.
- I think it's fine.
Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
- But you faked your identity. What if you get caught?
- Hey, we're talking about getting rich, Francis.
Money trumps ethics.
- Time is up, little ones.
- Already? - Oh, man!
- Nate Wright and friends, I am full of regret,
but I will need to receive my pork butt back now.
[sniffs]
Delightful to the touch.
Is very good job of meat tenderizing.
You will all receive extra helping of cricket
at snack time.
- Ew! - [groans]
- Oh, great. What are we gonna do now?
Pork punching is, like, the only safe activity out here.
- [humming] Ah!
[whistle blows]
[electrical zapping] [children screaming]
- [snickering]
[grunts]
Worth it.
Yay!
- Well, hello, kiddos.
Fine sunny afternoon for recess, isn't it?
- Are you joking? This place looks like
it's been decimated by a tornado.
[children scream]
- [chuckles] Oh, please. This playground is old school.
Nah, you're getting a true recess experience.
- Oh, no. Not again!
- Someone must've taken down
the soft pavement warning signs.
Let me go lookay into that. Gotta go!
[monster screeching]
- [groans] - Oof!
[phone rings]
- Hello? Emotionally stable household here.
- Yes, hello there, young man.
Can I please speak with your father?
- Oh, he said he sent the money
and to please stop turning the water off.
- No, no, no, no. I'm looking for Mr. Canine.
[dog howls]
Mr. Wayne Canine, attorney at law?
- Oh, yeah! Okay, uh, back in a jiffy.
Wayne! I mean, uh, uh, Dad, phone!
[clears throat]
[deep voice] Hello, Wayne Canine speaking.
[dog yelps]
- Samantha Stoneheart, editor at Page Turners Inc. here.
We truly loved your graphic novel.
- Oh, wow.
As you can tell from my deep, mature,
and fully gone through puberty voice,
I am overjoyed to hear this.
- Now we just need to discuss your quote.
- [munching] My, uh, my quote?
- We do have to pay you for your first book, Mr. Canine.
[cow moos]
- Mm, yes, of course.
I would like 30... bags of cheesy snacks, please.
- You're sure you only want 30 bags?
- Oh. I meant 30 hundred-- 300 bags.
- Great. Consider it done.
We'll need the other five books as required in your contract.
Just send me a list of what you'd like as payment.
- Five other books?
- Okay, guys,
new plan for recess today.
- Anything to get out of thorn bush tag.
[children yelping]
- Yikes.
- Hey, do I have anything on my face?
I think the pain centers in my brain shut down.
Oh! - Ugh!
- So what's your recess plan, Nate?
- Oh, you guys are gonna love it.
You're all gonna help me write five novels.
- Yes! - What?
- Bro, you know I would do anything for you.
Not really.
But why are we getting roped into your problem?
- [chuckles] 300 bags of cheesy snacks
enough rope for you? - Yup, that'll work.
- That's a lot of Thiamine mononitrate.
- Yeah and that's just the beginning.
They said they'd meet whatever our demands are
for the next batch. Here's the deal.
We spy on everyone we know,
borrow their life stories, use our imaginations
to make them sound actually interesting.
I draw up the art, bada-bing, bada-boom,
five more graphic novels.
I mean, it's so complicated, it might just work.
Dee Dee, stick to Nichols. - On it.
- I know Mother, but speed dating
just isn't what it used to be--
- [chatter]
- My love handles?
Do not make this about my diet, Mother!
- Francis, you handle Godfrey.
- Location? Rackleff.
Hobbies? Cats.
Six things I can't live without?
Well, I have seven cats so I'm going to skip this one.
It wouldn't be fair to Jermaine du-Purr.
- Teddy, you've got Uncle Pedro.
- Hey, Uncle Pedro.
Do you have any fun stories from middle school?
- And Chad, you have the most dangerous job of all.
Chad?
- [giggling] - What is he up to now?
- I'm almost there. I'm almost there!
- Ugh, come on, Chad! You can do it!
[all scream]
All right, no more vertical slide for you this week, okay?
We need you in one piece. - Okay, okay.
I promise.
- Now, I need you to get some intel
on the girls in our grade,
okay, pal? - Okay, Nate.
- And I'm on Ellen rebound patrol.
Now, everyone scurry in different directions.
Ready? Go.
[grunting] C'mon, Chad.
Let's go get you a chew toy.
- [grunting]
[chuckles] Nate, what are you up to now?
[evil laughter]
Huh? Ah!
He's ok, but like he needs to commit to his chin straps.
- Gotta write this down. Gotta write this down.
Come on. Stupid bag.
Got it! But wait, am I in the--
[gasps]
[screams]
- Um, you okay in there?
- [high-pitched] Um, yes.
- Are you sure? - Please go away!
- All right, fine. Don't wanna hurt you.
- [sighs]
[yelps] Oh!
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?
[loud groaning]
- [screams]
-There's no escape!
- I wonder if this one's any good.
- This guy, Wayne Canine, he's been making waves lately.
- Hmm... "Belle's A Ringin'," eh?
- * One, you're like a dream come true *
- No, no! - * Two, just wanna *
* Be with you *
* Three *
- Pew, pew, pew!
- It's like this book was written for me.
And the author is a low key snack.
Do you have a signed copy?
- No, but he's a local,
so I'm sure you can get one.
You know, I've been known to do
a little writin' myself, mostly on my back.
- Yeah, okay, whatever, Zeff.
Did you say that Wayne Canine is from Rackleff?
Amelia? Okay, I am obsessed.
Okay, so my fan petition is to get him
to do a reading in town. Will you sign?
Yay! I love you. Mwah!
- * Butt cheeks, do-do-da-do-do-do-da *
* Butt cheeks, yeah *
* Butt cheeks, do-do-da-do-do-do-da *
* Butt cheeks *
* Butt cheeks, yeah * - [screams]
- Huh?
Wait...
this isn't my litterbox.
Someone get me out of here! Anyone, please.
- [laughs] All right.
Five books finished, time to enjoy the fruits of our labor.
- Sweet! Matching outfits.
- Whoa!
- This is very suspicious, Nate Wright.
- Nate, did you order a-- - A tiger!
We'll call her Linda. - [roars]
- Ha! "The Cat Lady's Desire."
What the mustard sauce is this?
I'll take this as well, young man.
- All right, just a few more pennies.
- Principal Nichols! - [yelps]
- This cat lady remind you of anyone?
- I don't have time to deal with this.
We had another student fall off the vertical slide today.
- Fine, fine. What about this spectacled owl?
Looks a tad like you, doesn't he?
I'm sorry, Clara. It's probably just
an enormous coincidence, a'ight?
- Well, I for one am going to this book signing
and demanding answers from this Wayne Canine.
[dog howls]
- [sighs]
Hm, "chubby speed dating headmaster
with an inherited glandular problem."
[chuckles]
That sounds a lot like--what?
- So thanks to me, Wayne Canine
will be doing a book signing in Rackleff.
[dog howls] And I get to meet him.
- I think that's great, Ellen.
If it's okay with you, I'd love to join.
- [groans] Okay, fine.
But just don't, like, be super weird about it.
- We're doomed. We're gonna get so busted.
- It's okay, it's okay. Dee Dee's got this.
All we need is a real life Wayne Canine.
[dog howls]
Whose dog is that?
- As in an adult to play along with our plan?
- No, we need someone so forgettable
and unrecognizable,
that not a soul in Rackleff will suspect a thing.
- Well, yeah, but how can we find someone
so utterly pathetic and completely unknown?
- [yelps]
- [chuckles]
- Nate Wright, whose tiger is in the yard?
- Okay, I'm really, really sorry.
But Dad, I did it for the family.
All right, it was purely selfish.
Will you please just help us, Dad?
Think of Ellen, your only daughter.
I mean if Wayne Canine is a no-show at the book signing,
she's gonna be heartbroken all over again.
She needs you.
I need you, Dad.
[all whimpering]
- [sniffles]
- Wow, Dad. You look, uh, like--
- A handsome detective--
[gasps] right?
- Uh, yeah, okay, sure.
that's totally what I was gonna say.
Now remember, you're gonna have me in your ear
for the question and answer part
so I can feed you "author jargon."
I'll be right outside the book store
in a creepy old station wagon.
- You mean my station wagon?
- Yeah, yeah, that's the station wagon.
- Here's the plan. I'll be manning base command.
Teddy, you run in-store surveillance.
Francis, you're with Nate.
And Chad, you--
Chad?
Has anybody seen Chad?
- Who's Chad?
[desolate music]
* *
- [deep voice] Do you have anything
to say for yourself, Henry?
[high-pitched] Those mulch piles were public property.
I had every right.
[gasping]
I will have order.
Order in this court, I say.
Order!
[gasps]
Ah, delivery is here, sweetie.
Oh! [sniffs]
[rabid munching]
- Dad, are we carpooling?
- Be down in a jiff, sweetheart.
Oh, oh, um, we gotta bring
Nate and his friends, okay?
We're, uh, fumigating.
- Ugh, Dad!
- Cheese and rice, Martin.
This was your chance to bond with your daughter.
Don't blow this!
[mustache tears] Ah!
- [chuckles]
- Hey, why don't you all head in. I have to--
- Okay, I'll save you a spot maybe.
- Okay, you've got like t-minus five seconds
to become Wayne again, Dad.
- Hey, look, he's here.
It's Wayne Canine!
- Oh, hey, uh, hi.
Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming out.
- Excuse me, Mr. Canine,
make it out to your, uh, biggest fan.
- [chokes up]
- Thank you, thank you!
Oh, I will treasure this forever.
- Nate, I'll be your Wayne Canine
whenever you need me to.
And so they rode on,
through the ozone layer, on fire,
in real life and also metaphorically.
The end. [crowd cheering]
- [laughs] Wow!
I am such a great writer.
Oh, nice work, Dad. They totally bought it.
- No need to give me all the cred.
Huh? Ah!
- I have a question. - Ah, yes.
Uh, the young lady in the front.
- Hi. Clara Godfrey,
heroic local school teacher-- - No, no, no! Don't call her!
Peligrosa, peligrosa! - No!
Sorry, sorry, the lady next to you.
- Hmph! - [chuckles]
- Whew! - [screams]
- [grumbling]
- No, Linda, this is not a chew toy.
[flames roaring]
- Huh?
- [groans]
- Yes, thank you. I was wondering,
do you have any new artwork to share?
- Oh, why, I do, actually.
I brought along a little--
- Nate, the owl and cat are in the coop.
I repeat, they are in the coop.
The only artwork we gave Wayne is not gonna be a good look.
Everybody, hello? Is anybody there?
- [groaning]
What's the matter with this thing?
Ooh, Dee Dee, come in.
- Ah!
[growls] - [whimpers]
- It's gotta be in here. Oh, I found it.
The Headmaster and the Cat Lady in Tabby Temptation.
[both gasp and growl]
- We're too late!
- Well, I guess that kinda went okay.
- Hey, Mr. Canine! [all gasp]
- Oh, hi sweet--I mean,
hello again, young lady. - I just want to tell you,
well, I mean you're pretty much my idol
and I mean I basically want to be you.
- Oh, well, uh, I, uh--
- Mr. Canine, are you okay?
- No, no, no!
- [stammering]
I can't continue this charade.
I'm a horrible person.
Why didn't I stay in that well?
Ellen, it's me. It's your father.
- Dad?
You big jerk! - Ellen, please, stop!
- How could you do this to me? [sobs]
- Ellen, wait! I can explain!
She's never gonna forgive me.
- She was already a total train wreck
so it's a win-win.
Oh, it's Ellen! Scatter, boys!
[brakes screech]
- Dude, your pops just got kidnapped
by a couple mascots.
- Yeah, yeah, that's my bad.
That totally wasn't Ellen. - [roars]
all: Dee Dee?
- Need a ride?
- You bet your ferocious jungle cat we do.
Now, after that creepy abduction van!
- [roars]
- Ah!
[ball pops and deflates]
[yelps]
Please! I'll give you anything!
Except money. I don't have that.
- [muffled] Shut up and sit down.
I'm gonna skewer you like a kabob
if you don't answer my questions.
- Oh, um, it's hard to hear you.
I think because of the crummy costumes.
Oh! Oh, no!
- How did you infiltrate P.S. 38?
- Who are you working for?
- Say, aren't you my kid's teachers?
[mustache tears] [screams]
[both gasp]
both: Martin Wright?
- I knew Nate was involved!
- Hey, when did she get here?
- I simply cannot believe
you'd co-conspire with your son.
- I'd do anything for my son!
I think I stood up too fast.
- [roars]
- Wait, wait, wait, don't hurt him!
It's my fault.
- Nobody's hurting anyone, Nate.
Mr. Wright, if you truly love your son,
then you'll understand that he must be taught a lesson.
- Prison?
- You're gonna take my thumbs?
- What? Goodness, no.
- We've got something better planned.
It's called "The Pathetic Love Life of Gnate."
About a boy named Gnate, with a G,
who's in love with a girl named GJenny, also with a G.
And even though they've barely ever spoken,
Gnate somehow thinks they belong together.
- You wouldn't! I'd be a goner.
Teased for the rest of my middle school career.
- It wouldn't be too nice of her to borrow stories
from your personal life without consent, now would it?
- [groans] No, it wouldn't.
What I did was--it was wrong.
I shouldn't have exploited my family
or my teachers for my own personal gain.
It was wrong, and I'm sorry.
[ball pops and hisses]
Ah! But you know what?
I think I know a way I can make this right.
- You did the right thing by donating
all of your earnings to the school.
Guess that imagination of yours paid off,
didn't it, Nate? - Whoo-hoo!
This doesn't change anything, Nate!
- [growling]
- I think we got ourselves a new mascot.
- Linda is most welcome change.
- Whoo, I'm free!
- [shouting]
[chuckles]
- * Butt cheeks, do-do-da do-do-do-da *
* Butt cheeks, yeah *
* Butt cheeks, do-do-da-do-do-do-da *
* Butt cheeks *
* Butt cheeks, yeah *
* Bu-u-u-utt *
* Butt cheeks, it's now or never *
* Butt cheeks, hold your legs together *
* Butt cheeks, in plaid or pleather *
* Butt cheeks make the way forever *