1 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:03,446 - Argh! Walk the plank! 2 00:00:03,514 --> 00:00:05,382 - [loud wailing] - [groans] 3 00:00:05,448 --> 00:00:06,916 There goes another one. 4 00:00:06,983 --> 00:00:08,918 - [wailing continues] 5 00:00:08,985 --> 00:00:11,122 - My sister Ellen and her boyfriend Gordie 6 00:00:11,187 --> 00:00:12,923 broke up...again! 7 00:00:12,988 --> 00:00:15,024 It's pretty much wrecking everything. 8 00:00:15,091 --> 00:00:17,128 Please enjoy this deeply disturbing flashback 9 00:00:17,193 --> 00:00:18,794 to see what I mean. 10 00:00:18,861 --> 00:00:20,364 - Nothing like a little father and son bonding, 11 00:00:20,431 --> 00:00:21,431 don't you think? 12 00:00:21,497 --> 00:00:23,065 - [loud sobbing] - [screams] 13 00:00:26,469 --> 00:00:28,204 Huh, only a little expired. 14 00:00:28,271 --> 00:00:30,274 - [loud sobbing] - Ah! 15 00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:32,375 Aww...oof! - Gah! 16 00:00:36,347 --> 00:00:38,515 - Ow! Dad! - Shh. 17 00:00:39,482 --> 00:00:40,750 - Is she done? 18 00:00:40,817 --> 00:00:44,387 - [loud wailing] 19 00:00:44,454 --> 00:00:45,756 - Ah! 20 00:00:47,124 --> 00:00:49,326 - [sobbing] - [groans] 21 00:00:49,393 --> 00:00:51,027 This can't go on. 22 00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:53,430 [upbeat music] 23 00:00:53,497 --> 00:00:55,799 - * Don't want to go to school today * 24 00:00:55,866 --> 00:00:58,569 * The sun is red hot and I wanna play * 25 00:00:58,634 --> 00:01:01,204 * But if I get caught they'll make me pay * 26 00:01:01,271 --> 00:01:02,772 * Detention again * 27 00:01:02,838 --> 00:01:04,274 - * Big Nate, Big Nate * 28 00:01:04,341 --> 00:01:05,708 - * Math and social studies just ain't my thing * 29 00:01:05,776 --> 00:01:07,110 - * Big Nate, Big Nate * 30 00:01:07,178 --> 00:01:09,044 - * Rocking with my band is where I'm king * 31 00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:14,717 * Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test * 32 00:01:14,785 --> 00:01:16,586 - * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh * 33 00:01:16,652 --> 00:01:18,053 * Big Nate * 34 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:19,955 [loud clang] 35 00:01:20,023 --> 00:01:22,493 [loud crash] 36 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,961 - If a year's worth of sugar and cheesy romance novels 37 00:01:26,029 --> 00:01:28,532 gets my sister to stop crying, I'm game. 38 00:01:28,598 --> 00:01:31,000 - "The Purposefully Accidental Bride." 39 00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,902 Ooh, "Crabby Lust", 40 00:01:32,969 --> 00:01:35,671 "Love Doth Know No Calories?" Mmm. 41 00:01:35,738 --> 00:01:37,273 You old enough for these, brother? 42 00:01:37,341 --> 00:01:39,842 - [chuckles] Yeah, brother. 43 00:01:39,909 --> 00:01:41,411 Pretty sure I am. 44 00:01:43,446 --> 00:01:45,782 - Hey, Zudy, one more restock 45 00:01:45,848 --> 00:01:49,052 on Jane Steele's new book. 46 00:01:49,118 --> 00:01:52,356 - Huh. This Jane Steele lady, she's pretty popular, huh? 47 00:01:52,422 --> 00:01:53,990 - Uh, yeah, little bro. 48 00:01:54,057 --> 00:01:57,694 Romance novels are major cash cows. 49 00:01:57,761 --> 00:02:00,196 - [gasps] Cash cow? 50 00:02:00,264 --> 00:02:03,399 - I totally would've written a bunch of these myself by now, 51 00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:05,436 but I need inspiration, you know? 52 00:02:05,502 --> 00:02:09,039 I need a muse. - A muse, huh? 53 00:02:09,905 --> 00:02:12,141 Ellen! Breakup present. 54 00:02:13,576 --> 00:02:14,744 You're welcome. 55 00:02:14,811 --> 00:02:15,979 - People that say "you're welcome" 56 00:02:16,045 --> 00:02:17,348 without getting thanked are lame. 57 00:02:17,414 --> 00:02:18,581 - [groans] 58 00:02:18,648 --> 00:02:20,182 - Oh, my God, I know. - [groans] 59 00:02:20,250 --> 00:02:22,218 - I can't believe it either. Yeah, seriously. 60 00:02:22,285 --> 00:02:23,687 Why can't the guys in real life be like 61 00:02:23,754 --> 00:02:26,021 the ones in the Jane Steele books, you know? 62 00:02:26,088 --> 00:02:29,158 - Romance novels are major cash cows. 63 00:02:29,225 --> 00:02:33,095 All you need is a muse, muse, muse. 64 00:02:33,163 --> 00:02:35,532 [cow mooing] 65 00:02:35,598 --> 00:02:38,268 - Moo, moo, moo. 66 00:02:38,335 --> 00:02:41,805 - All these thought bubbles are giving me a bright idea. 67 00:02:41,872 --> 00:02:44,106 Time to turn Ellen's teenage turmoil 68 00:02:44,174 --> 00:02:45,776 into cold hard cash. 69 00:02:45,842 --> 00:02:47,378 - I couldn't believe it either. 70 00:02:47,444 --> 00:02:49,680 I mean we both know there's someone else, right? 71 00:02:49,746 --> 00:02:51,515 I wish somebody was out there, somebody who would-- 72 00:02:51,581 --> 00:02:52,815 - Okay, so we open with a princess, 73 00:02:52,883 --> 00:02:54,651 sad and alone, and really bad at singing. 74 00:02:54,718 --> 00:02:56,218 Like, animals die when she sings. 75 00:02:56,286 --> 00:03:00,856 - [wailing] 76 00:03:00,924 --> 00:03:02,558 - Then some prince dumps her, 77 00:03:02,625 --> 00:03:04,194 so she's acting all lame and crying and stuff. 78 00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:05,962 But then she meets a headless farmhand. 79 00:03:06,028 --> 00:03:07,897 Oh, yeah. 80 00:03:07,963 --> 00:03:09,499 They get married and have lots of weird babies 81 00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:10,801 and everything's great. 82 00:03:10,867 --> 00:03:12,503 But then, Headless Guy totally runs off 83 00:03:12,569 --> 00:03:14,805 with her best maiden, leaving the princess alone again, 84 00:03:14,871 --> 00:03:17,474 but now with two babies to care for. 85 00:03:17,540 --> 00:03:21,010 And finished! 86 00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:25,716 "Belle's a Ringin: A Tale of Love, Loss, and Headless Lust." 87 00:03:25,782 --> 00:03:27,583 Hey, hey, I know what you're thinking. 88 00:03:27,651 --> 00:03:29,686 Borrowing Ellen's pathetic life 89 00:03:29,753 --> 00:03:32,055 for my own personal gain. Uncool. 90 00:03:32,122 --> 00:03:34,157 But hey, it's not like she's gonna know. 91 00:03:34,223 --> 00:03:36,826 Okay, let's see, let's see. Fine print, fine print. 92 00:03:36,892 --> 00:03:38,061 Rules, rules, rules, rules, rules. 93 00:03:38,128 --> 00:03:39,695 Submission guidelines. Ooh, ooh! 94 00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:42,499 I get to pick a pen name. 95 00:03:42,565 --> 00:03:44,301 Wayne...uh-- 96 00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:47,504 [dog howls] 97 00:03:47,570 --> 00:03:50,706 Canine, attorney at law. 98 00:03:50,773 --> 00:03:53,109 Profile photo? Uh-oh. 99 00:03:53,176 --> 00:03:54,545 Okay, let's see. 100 00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:57,681 "Super awesome guy man dude person." 101 00:03:57,747 --> 00:03:59,949 Huh. I guess this guy looks pretty cool. 102 00:04:00,016 --> 00:04:01,918 Yeah, just needs a mustache. 103 00:04:11,093 --> 00:04:13,963 Ha! The resemblance is uncanny. 104 00:04:15,532 --> 00:04:17,701 - I think it's fine. 105 00:04:19,268 --> 00:04:21,937 Imitation is the highest form of flattery. 106 00:04:22,004 --> 00:04:24,908 - But you faked your identity. What if you get caught? 107 00:04:24,975 --> 00:04:27,242 - Hey, we're talking about getting rich, Francis. 108 00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:29,413 Money trumps ethics. 109 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,814 - Time is up, little ones. 110 00:04:31,881 --> 00:04:34,750 - Already? - Oh, man! 111 00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:38,187 - Nate Wright and friends, I am full of regret, 112 00:04:38,254 --> 00:04:42,057 but I will need to receive my pork butt back now. 113 00:04:42,124 --> 00:04:43,494 [sniffs] 114 00:04:43,559 --> 00:04:45,127 Delightful to the touch. 115 00:04:45,194 --> 00:04:48,030 Is very good job of meat tenderizing. 116 00:04:48,098 --> 00:04:51,367 You will all receive extra helping of cricket 117 00:04:51,434 --> 00:04:52,802 at snack time. 118 00:04:52,869 --> 00:04:55,639 - Ew! - [groans] 119 00:04:55,706 --> 00:04:58,341 - Oh, great. What are we gonna do now? 120 00:04:58,408 --> 00:05:01,310 Pork punching is, like, the only safe activity out here. 121 00:05:01,377 --> 00:05:03,547 - [humming] Ah! 122 00:05:03,614 --> 00:05:05,648 [whistle blows] 123 00:05:05,716 --> 00:05:08,584 [electrical zapping] [children screaming] 124 00:05:08,651 --> 00:05:11,153 - [snickering] 125 00:05:11,220 --> 00:05:13,223 [grunts] 126 00:05:13,288 --> 00:05:14,691 Worth it. 127 00:05:18,429 --> 00:05:19,396 Yay! 128 00:05:19,463 --> 00:05:20,764 - Well, hello, kiddos. 129 00:05:20,831 --> 00:05:22,966 Fine sunny afternoon for recess, isn't it? 130 00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:24,934 - Are you joking? This place looks like 131 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,571 it's been decimated by a tornado. 132 00:05:27,638 --> 00:05:29,204 [children scream] 133 00:05:29,271 --> 00:05:32,942 - [chuckles] Oh, please. This playground is old school. 134 00:05:33,009 --> 00:05:36,312 Nah, you're getting a true recess experience. 135 00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,648 - Oh, no. Not again! 136 00:05:38,715 --> 00:05:40,917 - Someone must've taken down 137 00:05:40,984 --> 00:05:42,985 the soft pavement warning signs. 138 00:05:43,052 --> 00:05:45,456 Let me go lookay into that. Gotta go! 139 00:05:45,521 --> 00:05:46,990 [monster screeching] 140 00:05:47,057 --> 00:05:49,559 - [groans] - Oof! 141 00:05:49,625 --> 00:05:51,127 [phone rings] 142 00:05:51,194 --> 00:05:53,028 - Hello? Emotionally stable household here. 143 00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:55,297 - Yes, hello there, young man. 144 00:05:55,365 --> 00:05:57,668 Can I please speak with your father? 145 00:05:57,734 --> 00:05:58,934 - Oh, he said he sent the money 146 00:05:59,002 --> 00:06:00,836 and to please stop turning the water off. 147 00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:03,506 - No, no, no, no. I'm looking for Mr. Canine. 148 00:06:03,574 --> 00:06:04,775 [dog howls] 149 00:06:04,841 --> 00:06:07,711 Mr. Wayne Canine, attorney at law? 150 00:06:07,778 --> 00:06:10,581 - Oh, yeah! Okay, uh, back in a jiffy. 151 00:06:10,646 --> 00:06:14,350 Wayne! I mean, uh, uh, Dad, phone! 152 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,086 [clears throat] 153 00:06:16,151 --> 00:06:18,821 [deep voice] Hello, Wayne Canine speaking. 154 00:06:18,889 --> 00:06:20,723 [dog yelps] 155 00:06:20,790 --> 00:06:24,259 - Samantha Stoneheart, editor at Page Turners Inc. here. 156 00:06:24,326 --> 00:06:27,598 We truly loved your graphic novel. 157 00:06:27,663 --> 00:06:29,232 - Oh, wow. 158 00:06:29,298 --> 00:06:31,901 As you can tell from my deep, mature, 159 00:06:31,968 --> 00:06:34,103 and fully gone through puberty voice, 160 00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:36,372 I am overjoyed to hear this. 161 00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:39,009 - Now we just need to discuss your quote. 162 00:06:39,074 --> 00:06:41,711 - [munching] My, uh, my quote? 163 00:06:41,778 --> 00:06:45,648 - We do have to pay you for your first book, Mr. Canine. 164 00:06:45,716 --> 00:06:47,617 [cow moos] 165 00:06:47,684 --> 00:06:50,186 - Mm, yes, of course. 166 00:06:50,252 --> 00:06:56,158 I would like 30... bags of cheesy snacks, please. 167 00:06:56,225 --> 00:07:01,064 - You're sure you only want 30 bags? 168 00:07:01,131 --> 00:07:05,468 - Oh. I meant 30 hundred-- 300 bags. 169 00:07:05,535 --> 00:07:07,403 - Great. Consider it done. 170 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,639 We'll need the other five books as required in your contract. 171 00:07:09,706 --> 00:07:12,509 Just send me a list of what you'd like as payment. 172 00:07:13,610 --> 00:07:15,311 - Five other books? 173 00:07:18,615 --> 00:07:19,482 - Okay, guys, 174 00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:20,750 new plan for recess today. 175 00:07:20,817 --> 00:07:23,519 - Anything to get out of thorn bush tag. 176 00:07:23,586 --> 00:07:26,756 [children yelping] 177 00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:27,923 - Yikes. 178 00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:30,326 - Hey, do I have anything on my face? 179 00:07:30,393 --> 00:07:34,329 I think the pain centers in my brain shut down. 180 00:07:34,396 --> 00:07:36,432 Oh! - Ugh! 181 00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:38,333 - So what's your recess plan, Nate? 182 00:07:38,401 --> 00:07:39,769 - Oh, you guys are gonna love it. 183 00:07:39,836 --> 00:07:42,271 You're all gonna help me write five novels. 184 00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:43,540 - Yes! - What? 185 00:07:43,607 --> 00:07:45,708 - Bro, you know I would do anything for you. 186 00:07:45,776 --> 00:07:47,009 Not really. 187 00:07:47,076 --> 00:07:48,944 But why are we getting roped into your problem? 188 00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:52,314 - [chuckles] 300 bags of cheesy snacks 189 00:07:52,381 --> 00:07:54,718 enough rope for you? - Yup, that'll work. 190 00:07:54,785 --> 00:07:56,952 - That's a lot of Thiamine mononitrate. 191 00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:58,889 - Yeah and that's just the beginning. 192 00:07:58,954 --> 00:08:01,423 They said they'd meet whatever our demands are 193 00:08:01,490 --> 00:08:03,126 for the next batch. Here's the deal. 194 00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:05,160 We spy on everyone we know, 195 00:08:05,228 --> 00:08:07,797 borrow their life stories, use our imaginations 196 00:08:07,864 --> 00:08:09,499 to make them sound actually interesting. 197 00:08:09,566 --> 00:08:11,300 I draw up the art, bada-bing, bada-boom, 198 00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:13,035 five more graphic novels. 199 00:08:13,103 --> 00:08:16,706 I mean, it's so complicated, it might just work. 200 00:08:16,773 --> 00:08:19,643 Dee Dee, stick to Nichols. - On it. 201 00:08:19,710 --> 00:08:20,744 - I know Mother, but speed dating 202 00:08:20,811 --> 00:08:22,377 just isn't what it used to be-- 203 00:08:22,444 --> 00:08:24,848 - [chatter] 204 00:08:24,915 --> 00:08:26,281 - My love handles? 205 00:08:26,348 --> 00:08:28,451 Do not make this about my diet, Mother! 206 00:08:29,953 --> 00:08:32,623 - Francis, you handle Godfrey. 207 00:08:32,688 --> 00:08:34,523 - Location? Rackleff. 208 00:08:34,591 --> 00:08:37,259 Hobbies? Cats. 209 00:08:37,326 --> 00:08:38,961 Six things I can't live without? 210 00:08:39,028 --> 00:08:41,697 Well, I have seven cats so I'm going to skip this one. 211 00:08:41,764 --> 00:08:44,868 It wouldn't be fair to Jermaine du-Purr. 212 00:08:44,935 --> 00:08:47,638 - Teddy, you've got Uncle Pedro. 213 00:08:47,704 --> 00:08:49,038 - Hey, Uncle Pedro. 214 00:08:49,105 --> 00:08:51,006 Do you have any fun stories from middle school? 215 00:08:56,278 --> 00:09:00,249 - And Chad, you have the most dangerous job of all. 216 00:09:00,316 --> 00:09:01,551 Chad? 217 00:09:01,618 --> 00:09:03,820 - [giggling] - What is he up to now? 218 00:09:03,887 --> 00:09:05,788 - I'm almost there. I'm almost there! 219 00:09:05,855 --> 00:09:07,157 - Ugh, come on, Chad! You can do it! 220 00:09:07,222 --> 00:09:08,792 [all scream] 221 00:09:10,994 --> 00:09:13,062 All right, no more vertical slide for you this week, okay? 222 00:09:13,129 --> 00:09:16,932 We need you in one piece. - Okay, okay. 223 00:09:16,999 --> 00:09:18,668 I promise. 224 00:09:18,735 --> 00:09:20,503 - Now, I need you to get some intel 225 00:09:20,570 --> 00:09:22,205 on the girls in our grade, 226 00:09:22,272 --> 00:09:23,773 okay, pal? - Okay, Nate. 227 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,142 - And I'm on Ellen rebound patrol. 228 00:09:26,209 --> 00:09:28,477 Now, everyone scurry in different directions. 229 00:09:28,543 --> 00:09:31,114 Ready? Go. 230 00:09:31,181 --> 00:09:32,816 [grunting] C'mon, Chad. 231 00:09:32,883 --> 00:09:34,417 Let's go get you a chew toy. 232 00:09:34,484 --> 00:09:36,619 - [grunting] 233 00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:41,490 [chuckles] Nate, what are you up to now? 234 00:09:41,557 --> 00:09:43,759 [evil laughter] 235 00:09:43,826 --> 00:09:46,062 Huh? Ah! 236 00:09:46,129 --> 00:09:52,534 He's ok, but like he needs to commit to his chin straps. 237 00:09:52,601 --> 00:09:54,705 - Gotta write this down. Gotta write this down. 238 00:09:54,770 --> 00:09:58,674 Come on. Stupid bag. 239 00:09:58,741 --> 00:10:01,177 Got it! But wait, am I in the-- 240 00:10:01,244 --> 00:10:02,378 [gasps] 241 00:10:02,445 --> 00:10:04,014 [screams] 242 00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:09,052 - Um, you okay in there? 243 00:10:09,119 --> 00:10:10,619 - [high-pitched] Um, yes. 244 00:10:10,687 --> 00:10:12,788 - Are you sure? - Please go away! 245 00:10:12,855 --> 00:10:16,558 - All right, fine. Don't wanna hurt you. 246 00:10:19,562 --> 00:10:21,431 - [sighs] 247 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,133 [yelps] Oh! 248 00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:25,168 What do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do? 249 00:10:25,235 --> 00:10:27,236 [loud groaning] 250 00:10:27,302 --> 00:10:29,105 - [screams] 251 00:10:31,374 --> 00:10:33,844 -There's no escape! 252 00:10:36,846 --> 00:10:39,148 - I wonder if this one's any good. 253 00:10:39,215 --> 00:10:43,385 - This guy, Wayne Canine, he's been making waves lately. 254 00:10:43,452 --> 00:10:47,123 - Hmm... "Belle's A Ringin'," eh? 255 00:10:47,190 --> 00:10:50,659 - * One, you're like a dream come true * 256 00:10:50,726 --> 00:10:52,695 - No, no! - * Two, just wanna * 257 00:10:52,763 --> 00:10:54,629 * Be with you * 258 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:55,664 * Three * 259 00:10:55,731 --> 00:10:58,735 - Pew, pew, pew! 260 00:10:58,802 --> 00:11:00,970 - It's like this book was written for me. 261 00:11:01,037 --> 00:11:03,306 And the author is a low key snack. 262 00:11:03,373 --> 00:11:04,573 Do you have a signed copy? 263 00:11:04,639 --> 00:11:06,176 - No, but he's a local, 264 00:11:06,241 --> 00:11:08,610 so I'm sure you can get one. 265 00:11:08,677 --> 00:11:10,846 You know, I've been known to do 266 00:11:10,913 --> 00:11:13,950 a little writin' myself, mostly on my back. 267 00:11:14,017 --> 00:11:15,284 - Yeah, okay, whatever, Zeff. 268 00:11:15,350 --> 00:11:18,187 Did you say that Wayne Canine is from Rackleff? 269 00:11:18,254 --> 00:11:21,624 Amelia? Okay, I am obsessed. 270 00:11:21,691 --> 00:11:23,493 Okay, so my fan petition is to get him 271 00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:26,262 to do a reading in town. Will you sign? 272 00:11:26,329 --> 00:11:29,164 Yay! I love you. Mwah! 273 00:11:29,231 --> 00:11:31,567 - * Butt cheeks, do-do-da-do-do-do-da * 274 00:11:31,634 --> 00:11:33,503 * Butt cheeks, yeah * 275 00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,239 * Butt cheeks, do-do-da-do-do-do-da * 276 00:11:36,306 --> 00:11:38,608 * Butt cheeks * 277 00:11:38,673 --> 00:11:41,543 * Butt cheeks, yeah * - [screams] 278 00:11:41,610 --> 00:11:43,946 - Huh? 279 00:11:44,014 --> 00:11:45,514 Wait... 280 00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:47,682 this isn't my litterbox. 281 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:50,954 Someone get me out of here! Anyone, please. 282 00:11:54,323 --> 00:11:56,292 - [laughs] All right. 283 00:11:56,359 --> 00:12:00,296 Five books finished, time to enjoy the fruits of our labor. 284 00:12:00,363 --> 00:12:03,099 - Sweet! Matching outfits. 285 00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:04,767 - Whoa! 286 00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:14,710 - This is very suspicious, Nate Wright. 287 00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:18,447 - Nate, did you order a-- - A tiger! 288 00:12:18,514 --> 00:12:21,116 We'll call her Linda. - [roars] 289 00:12:22,384 --> 00:12:25,321 - Ha! "The Cat Lady's Desire." 290 00:12:25,388 --> 00:12:28,091 What the mustard sauce is this? 291 00:12:28,158 --> 00:12:30,159 I'll take this as well, young man. 292 00:12:30,225 --> 00:12:32,461 - All right, just a few more pennies. 293 00:12:32,528 --> 00:12:34,029 - Principal Nichols! - [yelps] 294 00:12:34,096 --> 00:12:37,100 - This cat lady remind you of anyone? 295 00:12:38,368 --> 00:12:40,003 - I don't have time to deal with this. 296 00:12:40,070 --> 00:12:42,772 We had another student fall off the vertical slide today. 297 00:12:42,839 --> 00:12:44,975 - Fine, fine. What about this spectacled owl? 298 00:12:45,041 --> 00:12:47,911 Looks a tad like you, doesn't he? 299 00:12:47,977 --> 00:12:50,013 I'm sorry, Clara. It's probably just 300 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,047 an enormous coincidence, a'ight? 301 00:12:52,115 --> 00:12:54,783 - Well, I for one am going to this book signing 302 00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:58,254 and demanding answers from this Wayne Canine. 303 00:12:58,321 --> 00:13:00,656 [dog howls] 304 00:13:00,722 --> 00:13:02,524 - [sighs] 305 00:13:02,591 --> 00:13:04,759 Hm, "chubby speed dating headmaster 306 00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:06,996 with an inherited glandular problem." 307 00:13:07,062 --> 00:13:08,063 [chuckles] 308 00:13:08,130 --> 00:13:10,100 That sounds a lot like--what? 309 00:13:11,801 --> 00:13:14,104 - So thanks to me, Wayne Canine 310 00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:15,837 will be doing a book signing in Rackleff. 311 00:13:15,906 --> 00:13:18,807 [dog howls] And I get to meet him. 312 00:13:18,874 --> 00:13:20,243 - I think that's great, Ellen. 313 00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:22,812 If it's okay with you, I'd love to join. 314 00:13:22,879 --> 00:13:25,281 - [groans] Okay, fine. 315 00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:28,018 But just don't, like, be super weird about it. 316 00:13:28,084 --> 00:13:30,186 - We're doomed. We're gonna get so busted. 317 00:13:30,253 --> 00:13:33,355 - It's okay, it's okay. Dee Dee's got this. 318 00:13:33,422 --> 00:13:35,557 All we need is a real life Wayne Canine. 319 00:13:35,624 --> 00:13:37,493 [dog howls] 320 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:38,894 Whose dog is that? 321 00:13:38,961 --> 00:13:41,364 - As in an adult to play along with our plan? 322 00:13:41,431 --> 00:13:44,634 - No, we need someone so forgettable 323 00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,436 and unrecognizable, 324 00:13:46,502 --> 00:13:49,105 that not a soul in Rackleff will suspect a thing. 325 00:13:49,172 --> 00:13:51,041 - Well, yeah, but how can we find someone 326 00:13:51,106 --> 00:13:54,177 so utterly pathetic and completely unknown? 327 00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:01,116 - [yelps] 328 00:14:01,183 --> 00:14:02,418 - [chuckles] 329 00:14:02,485 --> 00:14:05,922 - Nate Wright, whose tiger is in the yard? 330 00:14:07,757 --> 00:14:10,426 - Okay, I'm really, really sorry. 331 00:14:10,493 --> 00:14:12,962 But Dad, I did it for the family. 332 00:14:14,596 --> 00:14:15,966 All right, it was purely selfish. 333 00:14:16,032 --> 00:14:17,866 Will you please just help us, Dad? 334 00:14:17,933 --> 00:14:20,003 Think of Ellen, your only daughter. 335 00:14:20,070 --> 00:14:22,804 I mean if Wayne Canine is a no-show at the book signing, 336 00:14:22,871 --> 00:14:25,240 she's gonna be heartbroken all over again. 337 00:14:25,307 --> 00:14:26,509 She needs you. 338 00:14:26,576 --> 00:14:28,610 I need you, Dad. 339 00:14:28,677 --> 00:14:30,145 [all whimpering] 340 00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:33,115 - [sniffles] 341 00:14:36,286 --> 00:14:38,754 - Wow, Dad. You look, uh, like-- 342 00:14:38,821 --> 00:14:39,889 - A handsome detective-- 343 00:14:39,956 --> 00:14:41,923 [gasps] right? 344 00:14:41,991 --> 00:14:43,926 - Uh, yeah, okay, sure. 345 00:14:43,994 --> 00:14:45,327 that's totally what I was gonna say. 346 00:14:45,394 --> 00:14:47,263 Now remember, you're gonna have me in your ear 347 00:14:47,330 --> 00:14:48,764 for the question and answer part 348 00:14:48,831 --> 00:14:50,899 so I can feed you "author jargon." 349 00:14:50,966 --> 00:14:52,002 I'll be right outside the book store 350 00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:53,568 in a creepy old station wagon. 351 00:14:53,635 --> 00:14:55,171 - You mean my station wagon? 352 00:14:55,238 --> 00:14:57,039 - Yeah, yeah, that's the station wagon. 353 00:14:57,106 --> 00:14:59,308 - Here's the plan. I'll be manning base command. 354 00:14:59,374 --> 00:15:01,677 Teddy, you run in-store surveillance. 355 00:15:01,744 --> 00:15:03,278 Francis, you're with Nate. 356 00:15:03,345 --> 00:15:04,614 And Chad, you-- 357 00:15:04,679 --> 00:15:07,350 Chad? 358 00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:09,384 Has anybody seen Chad? 359 00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:10,919 - Who's Chad? 360 00:15:10,986 --> 00:15:13,922 [desolate music] 361 00:15:13,990 --> 00:15:19,229 * * 362 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:20,895 - [deep voice] Do you have anything 363 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,565 to say for yourself, Henry? 364 00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:25,000 [high-pitched] Those mulch piles were public property. 365 00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:26,568 I had every right. 366 00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,337 [gasping] 367 00:15:28,403 --> 00:15:29,639 I will have order. 368 00:15:29,705 --> 00:15:31,407 Order in this court, I say. 369 00:15:31,474 --> 00:15:32,542 Order! 370 00:15:32,608 --> 00:15:34,576 [gasps] 371 00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:37,647 Ah, delivery is here, sweetie. 372 00:15:37,712 --> 00:15:40,450 Oh! [sniffs] 373 00:15:40,515 --> 00:15:42,451 [rabid munching] 374 00:15:47,289 --> 00:15:49,158 - Dad, are we carpooling? 375 00:15:49,225 --> 00:15:51,726 - Be down in a jiff, sweetheart. 376 00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:53,863 Oh, oh, um, we gotta bring 377 00:15:53,928 --> 00:15:55,398 Nate and his friends, okay? 378 00:15:55,465 --> 00:15:57,332 We're, uh, fumigating. 379 00:15:57,399 --> 00:16:00,169 - Ugh, Dad! 380 00:16:00,235 --> 00:16:02,004 - Cheese and rice, Martin. 381 00:16:02,071 --> 00:16:03,739 This was your chance to bond with your daughter. 382 00:16:03,806 --> 00:16:04,807 Don't blow this! 383 00:16:04,874 --> 00:16:06,375 [mustache tears] Ah! 384 00:16:09,912 --> 00:16:11,147 - [chuckles] 385 00:16:11,214 --> 00:16:13,483 - Hey, why don't you all head in. I have to-- 386 00:16:13,548 --> 00:16:15,518 - Okay, I'll save you a spot maybe. 387 00:16:15,585 --> 00:16:17,952 - Okay, you've got like t-minus five seconds 388 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:20,123 to become Wayne again, Dad. 389 00:16:22,557 --> 00:16:24,060 - Hey, look, he's here. 390 00:16:24,126 --> 00:16:25,661 It's Wayne Canine! 391 00:16:25,727 --> 00:16:27,830 - Oh, hey, uh, hi. 392 00:16:27,897 --> 00:16:30,533 Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming out. 393 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,101 - Excuse me, Mr. Canine, 394 00:16:32,168 --> 00:16:34,903 make it out to your, uh, biggest fan. 395 00:16:34,970 --> 00:16:37,972 - [chokes up] 396 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,210 - Thank you, thank you! 397 00:16:40,275 --> 00:16:42,378 Oh, I will treasure this forever. 398 00:16:42,445 --> 00:16:45,081 - Nate, I'll be your Wayne Canine 399 00:16:45,148 --> 00:16:47,249 whenever you need me to. 400 00:16:48,217 --> 00:16:49,784 And so they rode on, 401 00:16:49,851 --> 00:16:51,486 through the ozone layer, on fire, 402 00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:54,456 in real life and also metaphorically. 403 00:16:54,523 --> 00:16:56,892 The end. [crowd cheering] 404 00:16:57,627 --> 00:16:59,595 - [laughs] Wow! 405 00:16:59,662 --> 00:17:02,498 I am such a great writer. 406 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:05,368 Oh, nice work, Dad. They totally bought it. 407 00:17:05,435 --> 00:17:09,339 - No need to give me all the cred. 408 00:17:09,405 --> 00:17:10,773 Huh? Ah! 409 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,108 - I have a question. - Ah, yes. 410 00:17:12,175 --> 00:17:13,775 Uh, the young lady in the front. 411 00:17:13,842 --> 00:17:15,945 - Hi. Clara Godfrey, 412 00:17:16,011 --> 00:17:18,380 heroic local school teacher-- - No, no, no! Don't call her! 413 00:17:18,447 --> 00:17:20,315 Peligrosa, peligrosa! - No! 414 00:17:20,382 --> 00:17:22,752 Sorry, sorry, the lady next to you. 415 00:17:22,818 --> 00:17:25,221 - Hmph! - [chuckles] 416 00:17:25,287 --> 00:17:27,389 - Whew! - [screams] 417 00:17:27,456 --> 00:17:30,293 - [grumbling] 418 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:34,964 - No, Linda, this is not a chew toy. 419 00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:36,299 [flames roaring] 420 00:17:36,366 --> 00:17:37,966 - Huh? 421 00:17:38,033 --> 00:17:39,869 - [groans] 422 00:17:40,535 --> 00:17:42,405 - Yes, thank you. I was wondering, 423 00:17:42,472 --> 00:17:44,706 do you have any new artwork to share? 424 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:47,177 - Oh, why, I do, actually. 425 00:17:47,243 --> 00:17:49,043 I brought along a little-- 426 00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:50,946 - Nate, the owl and cat are in the coop. 427 00:17:51,013 --> 00:17:52,548 I repeat, they are in the coop. 428 00:17:52,615 --> 00:17:55,485 The only artwork we gave Wayne is not gonna be a good look. 429 00:17:55,551 --> 00:17:58,388 Everybody, hello? Is anybody there? 430 00:17:58,454 --> 00:17:59,754 - [groaning] 431 00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:00,889 What's the matter with this thing? 432 00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:02,792 Ooh, Dee Dee, come in. 433 00:18:02,858 --> 00:18:04,593 - Ah! 434 00:18:04,659 --> 00:18:06,228 [growls] - [whimpers] 435 00:18:07,996 --> 00:18:10,233 - It's gotta be in here. Oh, I found it. 436 00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:13,769 The Headmaster and the Cat Lady in Tabby Temptation. 437 00:18:13,835 --> 00:18:16,104 [both gasp and growl] 438 00:18:16,171 --> 00:18:20,810 - We're too late! 439 00:18:23,579 --> 00:18:26,349 - Well, I guess that kinda went okay. 440 00:18:26,416 --> 00:18:28,583 - Hey, Mr. Canine! [all gasp] 441 00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:30,852 - Oh, hi sweet--I mean, 442 00:18:30,919 --> 00:18:33,223 hello again, young lady. - I just want to tell you, 443 00:18:33,289 --> 00:18:35,090 well, I mean you're pretty much my idol 444 00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,693 and I mean I basically want to be you. 445 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,330 - Oh, well, uh, I, uh-- 446 00:18:40,396 --> 00:18:41,996 - Mr. Canine, are you okay? 447 00:18:42,063 --> 00:18:43,666 - No, no, no! 448 00:18:43,733 --> 00:18:45,801 - [stammering] 449 00:18:45,868 --> 00:18:47,637 I can't continue this charade. 450 00:18:47,703 --> 00:18:51,005 I'm a horrible person. 451 00:18:51,072 --> 00:18:53,543 Why didn't I stay in that well? 452 00:18:53,609 --> 00:18:56,145 Ellen, it's me. It's your father. 453 00:18:56,212 --> 00:18:58,781 - Dad? 454 00:18:58,848 --> 00:19:01,216 You big jerk! - Ellen, please, stop! 455 00:19:01,283 --> 00:19:04,687 - How could you do this to me? [sobs] 456 00:19:04,754 --> 00:19:09,023 - Ellen, wait! I can explain! 457 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,562 She's never gonna forgive me. 458 00:19:12,628 --> 00:19:14,229 - She was already a total train wreck 459 00:19:14,296 --> 00:19:16,831 so it's a win-win. 460 00:19:16,898 --> 00:19:19,401 Oh, it's Ellen! Scatter, boys! 461 00:19:19,468 --> 00:19:21,571 [brakes screech] 462 00:19:23,938 --> 00:19:25,741 - Dude, your pops just got kidnapped 463 00:19:25,808 --> 00:19:27,409 by a couple mascots. 464 00:19:27,476 --> 00:19:29,144 - Yeah, yeah, that's my bad. 465 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,446 That totally wasn't Ellen. - [roars] 466 00:19:31,514 --> 00:19:32,581 all: Dee Dee? 467 00:19:32,648 --> 00:19:33,983 - Need a ride? 468 00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:36,985 - You bet your ferocious jungle cat we do. 469 00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:39,187 Now, after that creepy abduction van! 470 00:19:39,254 --> 00:19:40,290 - [roars] 471 00:19:41,256 --> 00:19:43,392 - Ah! 472 00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:44,494 [ball pops and deflates] 473 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,061 [yelps] 474 00:19:47,662 --> 00:19:49,931 Please! I'll give you anything! 475 00:19:49,998 --> 00:19:52,001 Except money. I don't have that. 476 00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,636 - [muffled] Shut up and sit down. 477 00:19:53,703 --> 00:19:55,771 I'm gonna skewer you like a kabob 478 00:19:55,838 --> 00:19:57,407 if you don't answer my questions. 479 00:19:57,473 --> 00:19:59,875 - Oh, um, it's hard to hear you. 480 00:19:59,941 --> 00:20:02,344 I think because of the crummy costumes. 481 00:20:04,146 --> 00:20:06,815 Oh! Oh, no! 482 00:20:06,881 --> 00:20:09,519 - How did you infiltrate P.S. 38? 483 00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:11,085 - Who are you working for? 484 00:20:11,152 --> 00:20:13,523 - Say, aren't you my kid's teachers? 485 00:20:13,589 --> 00:20:15,425 [mustache tears] [screams] 486 00:20:15,491 --> 00:20:16,492 [both gasp] 487 00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:17,959 both: Martin Wright? 488 00:20:18,026 --> 00:20:20,530 - I knew Nate was involved! 489 00:20:20,596 --> 00:20:21,696 - Hey, when did she get here? 490 00:20:21,764 --> 00:20:23,131 - I simply cannot believe 491 00:20:23,197 --> 00:20:25,033 you'd co-conspire with your son. 492 00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,969 - I'd do anything for my son! 493 00:20:28,036 --> 00:20:29,405 I think I stood up too fast. 494 00:20:29,472 --> 00:20:30,639 - [roars] 495 00:20:30,706 --> 00:20:31,573 - Wait, wait, wait, don't hurt him! 496 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,841 It's my fault. 497 00:20:32,908 --> 00:20:34,877 - Nobody's hurting anyone, Nate. 498 00:20:34,944 --> 00:20:37,212 Mr. Wright, if you truly love your son, 499 00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:40,282 then you'll understand that he must be taught a lesson. 500 00:20:40,350 --> 00:20:41,716 - Prison? 501 00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:43,753 - You're gonna take my thumbs? 502 00:20:43,819 --> 00:20:45,687 - What? Goodness, no. 503 00:20:45,754 --> 00:20:48,090 - We've got something better planned. 504 00:20:48,157 --> 00:20:51,627 It's called "The Pathetic Love Life of Gnate." 505 00:20:51,694 --> 00:20:54,397 About a boy named Gnate, with a G, 506 00:20:54,464 --> 00:20:58,734 who's in love with a girl named GJenny, also with a G. 507 00:20:58,801 --> 00:21:03,272 And even though they've barely ever spoken, 508 00:21:03,339 --> 00:21:07,409 Gnate somehow thinks they belong together. 509 00:21:07,476 --> 00:21:09,277 - You wouldn't! I'd be a goner. 510 00:21:09,344 --> 00:21:11,781 Teased for the rest of my middle school career. 511 00:21:11,847 --> 00:21:14,148 - It wouldn't be too nice of her to borrow stories 512 00:21:14,216 --> 00:21:17,587 from your personal life without consent, now would it? 513 00:21:17,652 --> 00:21:20,755 - [groans] No, it wouldn't. 514 00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:23,693 What I did was--it was wrong. 515 00:21:23,758 --> 00:21:25,695 I shouldn't have exploited my family 516 00:21:25,761 --> 00:21:29,398 or my teachers for my own personal gain. 517 00:21:29,465 --> 00:21:31,434 It was wrong, and I'm sorry. 518 00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:33,235 [ball pops and hisses] 519 00:21:33,302 --> 00:21:34,969 Ah! But you know what? 520 00:21:35,036 --> 00:21:37,106 I think I know a way I can make this right. 521 00:21:41,209 --> 00:21:43,078 - You did the right thing by donating 522 00:21:43,145 --> 00:21:44,813 all of your earnings to the school. 523 00:21:44,879 --> 00:21:46,782 Guess that imagination of yours paid off, 524 00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:48,818 didn't it, Nate? - Whoo-hoo! 525 00:21:48,883 --> 00:21:51,654 This doesn't change anything, Nate! 526 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,287 - [growling] 527 00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:55,625 - I think we got ourselves a new mascot. 528 00:21:55,690 --> 00:21:58,226 - Linda is most welcome change. 529 00:21:59,928 --> 00:22:02,532 - Whoo, I'm free! 530 00:22:02,598 --> 00:22:04,667 - [shouting] 531 00:22:04,734 --> 00:22:05,900 [chuckles] 532 00:22:10,205 --> 00:22:11,139 - * Butt cheeks, do-do-da do-do-do-da * 533 00:22:11,206 --> 00:22:13,575 * Butt cheeks, yeah * 534 00:22:13,642 --> 00:22:15,844 * Butt cheeks, do-do-da-do-do-do-da * 535 00:22:15,910 --> 00:22:18,046 * Butt cheeks * 536 00:22:18,112 --> 00:22:20,449 * Butt cheeks, yeah * 537 00:22:20,515 --> 00:22:22,618 * Bu-u-u-utt * 538 00:22:22,685 --> 00:22:24,754 * Butt cheeks, it's now or never * 539 00:22:24,820 --> 00:22:26,821 * Butt cheeks, hold your legs together * 540 00:22:26,889 --> 00:22:28,858 * Butt cheeks, in plaid or pleather * 541 00:22:28,924 --> 00:22:32,794 * Butt cheeks make the way forever *