- [snoring]
- [grunting]
[breezy upbeat music]
[feather ruffling]
♪ ♪
- Hey, kids.
Dan Cupid Love Consultant here.
And I have a special delivery for Nate Wright.
Has anyone seen him?
all: He's over there. He's over there.
- Huh?
Aha!
[arrow whistling]
- Huh! Ahh!
Thanks, kids!
- [groans]
It's Valentine's Day,
the day I declare my undying love for Jenny.
- ♪ Pre-teen dream girl ♪
[dramatic music]
- [gasps]
Our yearly review is today at 3:00 p.m.
right before school gets out.
If the inspection doesn't go well,
they'll shut down the school.
- Why wouldn't the inspection go well?
Ugh!
- See. It's already begun.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- What? The school looks great.
- People think Valentine's Day is about love,
but it's about stress and rejection.
The inspectors want to see a full classroom
of smiling faces, not sadness and despair.
Funding will be cut again all because of love
and it's evil super spreader Valentine's Day.
- You know, I gave up love years ago
when I started sleeping in my classroom to avoid my family.
Mm. Best decision I ever made.
My sleep is so restful.
- We can't let PS 38 fall to this corrupt pagan ritual.
I've already had to go to extremes
to Keep the school budget in the black.
I've begun renting out lockers to squirrels to collect
and sell their nuts.
- [gasps]
Ahh!
- I've started hiring robots to substitute teach.
They're unlicensed, so we don't have to pay them.
[robot whirring]
[both screaming]
I've even had kids fund-raising
for the music program by making clogs for sailors.
all: Thanks, kids.
- PS 38 must keep attendance high today
or we could lose everything.
- Principal Nichols, I have a message for you.
- Just put the note on my desk, Geraldine.
- Oh, but it's awfully important.
- Later. I need to stay focused.
Happy kids. We need to see happy kids today.
Happy kids, happy kids. Happy kids.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Don't want to go to school today ♪
♪ The sun is red hot and I wanna play ♪
♪ But if I get caught they'll make me pay ♪
♪ Detention again ♪
- ♪ Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- ♪ Math and social studies just ain't my thing ♪
- ♪ Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- ♪ Rocking with my band is where I'm king ♪
♪ Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Today's the day.
I'm finally making Jenny my Valentine.
- I didn't even know you liked Jenny.
- Yeah, well, my feelings for Jenny have been
in stealth mode since Kindergarten.
Wasn't sure I could commit to one girl.
But now that I've grown up, I've decided Jenny is the one
I want to spend the rest of my life with.
- Wow. All right. That--that's a lot to express.
- Yeah, well, that's why I need a grand gesture
to get her attention.
- ♪ Pre-teen dream girl ♪
- Artur.
I'm gonna ignore his presence for now,
PS 38's handsome outsider that everyone thinks
is so interesting even though he isn't.
- Flower, no.
Artur friend.
- [laughs]
All right. Now I gotta figure out
what my grand gesture is gonna be.
Grand gesture. Grand gesture.
- Today is that day. We're announcing the winner
of the Valentine's Day art contest.
Whoever it is will win a pizza party fit for a king.
- Ooh, a pizza party? Well, that sounds just grand.
Ooh, here comes my set.
- That does sound grand,
like a very grand gesture indeed.
- Nate, you didn't enter the contest.
- The rules of your world do not concern me.
- Mr. Rosa, are you selecting the winner?
- Oh, no. Too hard. You know me. I'm a lover.
No hurt feelings with Mr. Rosa. I asked Coach John to decide.
- Confiscated. Confiscated. Confiscated.
This is a good haul. I better get this to my office.
[munching]
- I gotta act quick.
[sneaky music]
♪ ♪
Pshh, amateur hour.
[whistling]
Make way for a professional.
[footsteps tapping]
[gasps]
[doorknob rattling]
- Why does the law require gym teachers to carry so many keys?
- [gasping]
[dramatic music]
- Hmmm.
♪ ♪
Nate Wright. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
- [laughs]
[clears throat] Attention. Attention.
I, Nate Wright, have won the art contest,
and I shall be gifting my pizza party to all of PS 38.
[cheers and applause]
[Boston's "More Than a Feeling]
- ♪ So many people ♪
[telephone rings]
- Hello. Generic Pizza Joint.
- [indistinct]
- Wait. We sponsored a free pizza party at PS 38?
Doesn't sound like something I'd agree to, but okay.
Zeff, We got a big order.
Grab the extra boxes from the back.
- ♪ Please don't puke ♪
[broom rattles]
♪ These are the moments ♪
- Well they ain't here.
- ♪ Please don't let go ♪
- Huh, he must have meant the outside way back.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
- Hey, thanks for the pizza, dude.
- Ahh, no problem. Happy to do it.
- Nate, you're like a minor celebrity.
- [laughs] I know.
Now I just have to find the right Valentine for Jenny.
Since I'm an award-winning artist,
I thought I might give her this one.
- Whoa, whoa.
You can't just dump a Valentine's Day card on Jenny
without some warning, especially a homemade one.
- Okay, why?
- She could freak out, and you'd end up scaring her off.
Not that it isn't already terrifying enough that you've
been secretly stalking her for the last six years.
- Hey, she was out with foot-and-mouth
for much of third grade.
So technically, it's five years.
- Oh, okay. Let me run point on this.
Jenny and I have actually spoken.
- My man doesn't need an assist.
He's got this. Be direct.
- If your love for Jenny is real love, you can't hold back.
You have to tell her. My mom always tells me
to say "I love you" to my Nana before I hang up the phone
in case she never answers again.
- What's this?
- It's a pizza party courtesy of Nate Wright.
- What's the catch? - No catch.
Nate won the annual art contest.
- Hmm.
Nate Wright. - [gasps]
- Come here.
- Uh, y-y-yes, sir.
- You're telling me that you won the school art contest
with that bowl of fruit?
- Hi.
- Uh, yes?
[dramatic music]
- Good job, my boy.
There's nothing kids like better than free pizza.
Look at all those happy faces.
- Well, it's my pleasure to be part of the team, sir.
- We're not a regular school today.
We're a cool school, am I right?
Here, give it up on the backhand side.
[scatting]
Kids stay at school for free pizza, Galvin.
I should have thought of this earlier.
Mrs. Corzini, I've decided to give away free cookies today.
- We no have enough.
A lot of ones in kitchen bunker, they are expired.
- Well, those dates are really just
"suggestions," aren't they?
- Nyet. - Well, kids love free stuff.
and I'm keeping everyone happy today for our annual review.
Hey, kids. Who wants free cookies?
[cheers and applause]
It's nice being the good guy for a change.
[chicken clucking]
- Easy. There's enough pizza for everyone.
- Where is Jenny? She's missing my grand gesture.
Ohh. Oh, no, no, no.
- Maybe she packed a lunch?
- How dare you.
- Psst. If we want pizza, we need to cut in line.
Do what needs to be done.
- [sighs]
- Nate, please tell me-- - Jenny?
♪ ♪
- ♪ Pre-teen dream girl ♪
- Jenny! Hi!
- Whoa. Easy. Easy.
- Stop it. Stop it. Jenny, hi.
D-do you want to stand in line with us?
- We'd love to. Thanks.
- Huh? - Hey, where's my pizza?
- Careful, children. I don't have insurance.
- [gasps]
- What's going on?
- There's--there's no more pizza.
- What?
- Don't worry. I snagged you a slice.
We will never speak of what I had to do to get it.
- Mmm, nom-nom-nom-nom.
Hmm?
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
- I'm so hungry.
- Dee Dee, quick. This is my chance to show Jenny
how much I care about her.
I will feed the fire of hunger inside her.
- Why don't you try introducing yourself first?
- Jenny! I can find you something to eat.
- Really? Thank you.
- Hey, Chad. Hey, where did you get that slice?
Are you hoarding food in the portables again?
- Guilty.
I like collecting food for both nourishment and fun.
Come on.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, uh, after we get the pizza,
maybe a romantic picnic on the grass would be nice?
- Sound great, friend Nate. - [groans]
[wind howling]
- Ohh!
[all groaning]
- Uh, everything okay, guys?
[all groaning]
- [retching]
- Oh, gross.
I'm gonna go now.
Oh, no.
[retching]
- Uh, Chad?
- [retching]
- Oh, no.
- I can't watch.
You shouldn't have brought us here.
- No, no, no, wait. We could...uh, uh, uh.
- We still have Nate's slice. We can share it.
- No. I want Jenny to have it.
- This very kind, friend Nate.
- Thank you, friend Artur.
- Take that, you pizza stealer.
- Uh, guys, did we all just see those kids barf
all over the portable? What if it was the pizza?
- Why are you trying to destroy my happiness?
- Thank you.
- W-w-w-wait. Jenny. Jenny. Where are you going?
- Oh, no.
[retching]
- Teddy!
- Run.
- What? - Run!
[both screaming]
- It doesn't even look human.
- Students?
Students. - [retching]
What the devil... [gasps]
What could be going on?
[gasps]
Galvin, I've done a terrible thing.
I gave everyone expired cookies.
I think I poisoned the school.
Are you listening?
- It's okay, Wesley. I didn't eat any cookies.
Only pizza.
[retching]
Sorry, I just got--ooh. I'm almost finished.
Ooh. It's almost out.
[retching]
- The things I have seen in those bathrooms.
We have to close the school.
This is a Valentine's Day of Horror!
- It's okay. Everything is okay.
Everyone with second period lunch hasn't had any pizza.
They'll be fine. We'll keep the inspectors up there, right?
Easy peasy.
[bell rings]
Okay, we're going to the multi-purpose room
to watch movies for the rest of the day.
How's that sound? Okay?
- Hey, Principal Nichols.
I'm wondering if you might consider letting us go home
to be with our loved ones during this dark hour.
It would give those of us who need it
time to plan a new grand gesture of love.
- Grand gesture of love? Grand gesture of love?
You brought this pestilence to my school.
The pizza was bad.
[thunder crashing]
Stay here and stay quiet.
I'm gonna check on the other students.
It probably isn't as bad as it looks.
In fact, I know it's not. Ooh, happy day.
- Ahh, I wish Jenny was here.
- Are you still moaning over Jenny
when there is a food-pocalypse happening all around us?
- That's exactly my point. Jenny needs me to rescue her.
She's out there in the elements...
- It's sunny. - Alone.
- She's with her boyfriend.
- We need to make sure she's okay. This is love!
- Oh, happy day.
- Save you I will, my love.
- Have you always been a mouth breather?
- We live forever here and be happy.
- What will we eat or drink?
- One Valentine's Day in Stylgravia,
all we had for eat and gift
was back hair from local hunchback.
We feast this day. I might have some--
- Maybe we could just eat that piece of pizza
from earlier instead.
both: Ahh!
Huh? Huh? What?
- Uh, are you okay, Principal Nichols?
- I'm fine. Everything is totally fine.
Maybe we can find these kids a little bubble water
for their tum tums, right? I think so.
And they'll be right as rain when the inspectors come.
- [moaning]
[retching]
- Better head to class, kiddo. You don't want to be late.
- That kid looks really sick.
- I'm sorry, what kid?
- The inspectors are gonna know something is wrong.
- I don't think so. I just need to show them one class
and shut the other doors.
A little indigestion is nothing to worry about.
It'll probably be gone in an hour like a miracle.
- We're here. We'll talk to the inspectors
for you and tell them what a great job you're doing.
- Yeah, I-I appreciate that. But I-I need one full class.
Two students won't do it.
- Even if it's two of your most remarkable students?
- That's what I'm saying. Those students are sick.
[both groan]
- Help! - That's Jenny's voice.
- [gasping]
- ♪ Pre-teen dream girl ♪
- This is clearly destiny.
You can't keep Jenny and me apart.
- It's gotten really bad out there. And Artur...
- Ooh, did something bad happened to him?
- Worse. He almost threw up on me.
He got so delirious, he tried to make out with a mop.
Then he picked a fight with a plunger and lost.
It might take me a few seconds to get over it.
Okay, I'm better.
- Hey, don't worry.
We'll get through this together.
- ♪ Pre-teen dream girl ♪
♪ I just know your hair smells like ♪
- I'm sorry. What's your name again?
- [laughs]
- Jenny! Jenny is here.
Now I have three. This is a sign.
A really good sign. You recovered.
The other students will recover too.
- I was never sick. - Exacalacaly.
- Should we call our parents to come get us?
- No one is calling anybody!
How many times do I have to tell you?
We can't lose the school until the inspectors arrive.
I'm gonna get one full class of students if it kills me.
You stay right here. I need you.
We're all in this together.
Heh-heh-heh, heh-heh.
- Well, there's only one thing left to do.
- Take out the principal.
- Yeah, you got--what? No.
No, I was gonna say go to the cafeteria
and find something to eat. I bet my Jenny is still hungry.
- I'm starving. Artur kept talking about hunchback hair.
Oh, Artur.
- Hey, no, no, hey. Hey, come on now.
It's best not to think of such things. Artur's gone.
A-and I'm sure whatever happened to him
was horribly painful and awful and just shocking.
But hey, we have to move forward.
[tense music]
- There, that ought to do it. You guys look great.
I see a lot of color coming back to your little faces.
Let's move away from the entrance, though.
Don't want the inspectors to get the wrong idea
and think you might be under the weather.
I mean, I mean...
- [shuddering]
- Ooh. Oh, sweet. Yo, Jenny, think fast.
- Oh, I don't like crumbs.
Do you think there's any ice cream instead?
- Good call.
Okay, maybe no ice cream.
Hey, you know what? Maybe no food today to be safe.
[gasping]
Huh?
[light rock music]
- ♪ Pre-teen dream girl ♪
Ooh. Heh-heh, heh-heh.
- [retching]
I think I'm gonna be sick.
- I don't understand. You didn't eat any pizza.
- Expired.
- What?
[dramatic music]
No, Dee Dee. Not you.
I always thought those expiration dates
were just a suggestion.
Why?
- Don't waste the gift of this moment.
Stop being in love with the idea of Jenny.
And instead get to know
the girl and fall in love with her.
[retching]
- Boy, come on. We can't stay here any longer.
[dramatic music]
[all groaning]
- [gasps]
[all groaning]
♪ ♪
- Ahh! - Help...me.
- Ahh!
both: Ahh!
- [gasps]
This is it.
I have to tell Jenny how I feel before it's too late.
Ugh, why am I still so nervous?
♪ ♪
- I can't believe you haven't closed the deal with Jenny yet.
- I don't want to blow my chance
by saying the wrong thing.
All I know is that I want her to be my Valentine.
- You are 11 years old.
Why is this even a thing?
Why are kids these days so serious?
Back in my day, if you liked someone you paid
off their family, and the deed was done.
My advice, relax. Enjoy the moment.
Don't overthink it.
- But what if Jenny is the one
I'm supposed to be with forever?
How will I know?
- Oh, you'll know when you don't have to
ask that question.
Good luck, kid. You got this.
- Could Jenny really be the one?
Wait. Wait. Dan Cupid said, "Don't overthink it."
Okay, okay.
Jenny, I have something to tell you.
- What?
- Would you do me the honor of being my...
be my... - Ahh!
- [retching]
- Gross.
- [retching]
Oh, no.
One of Randy's pepperonis
must have flown into my mouth earlier.
- I have dance class after school,
and my carpool nanny will be waiting.
- [gasping]
- Je--Jenny.
Je--Jenny.
- Nate, how could you let her leave?
The inspectors!
- [groaning]
- Hmm?
"The inspectors have cancelled.
They will call you next week to reschedule."
[laughs] Well, look at that, Nate.
Guess I worried for nothing, huh?
E-excuse me a moment.
Ahh!
- [groaning]
- ♪ Pre-teen dream girl ♪
- Until we meet again, my love.
[retching]
Ahh, it's running down my leg.
- ♪ Being without you ain't easy baby ♪
♪ Sometimes I wonder if this is the end ♪
♪ We're lost in a tidal wave of vomit ♪
♪ Yet all I want now is to be your boyfriend ♪
♪ Please don't puke ♪
♪ These are the moments dreams are made of ♪
♪ Don't let go ♪
♪ I know it's a sign that you're my true love ♪