- Nate Wright, why are you tardy to the class?
Come on, son. It's a Monday.
Set the tone for the week.
- Sorry, big guy.
I was working on a particularly awesome comic,
starring Claude, the Stupid Ideas Fairy.
Oh, yeah, he's going to help me land Jenny as a date
to the dance on Friday.
[upbeat music]
- Here you go, Nate.
You can sweep Jenny off her feet with this.
- [screaming and grunting]
- [laughs] Sorry.
- I don't call him the Stupid Ideas Fairy for nothing.
- Actually, I'm glad you brought up
Valentine's Day, my boy.
As most of you know,
this holiday is notoriously cursed at PS 38.
February 14ths of yesteryear
have been riddled with mishaps, mayhem, broken hearts,
shattered dreams, pandemonium!
Valentine's Day threatens to destroy us all!
[panting]
But this year will be all profit and no chaos.
Yes, yes, it will because your "princi-pal"
is going to earn our school some,
oh, so sweet Valentine's Day cash.
Everyone in this school will take a love connection quiz
provided by Rackleff's very own EEW Corp.
In exchange for your love connection data,
EEW will care you with your perfect match for the dance
and give the school a giant check!
[giggles, smooches]
[students groan]
- This is amazing!
Finally a chance to go on a real date with Jenny.
[laughing] Whoa.
She'll get matched with moi, and her precious Artur
will be stuck with all the losers at the punch bowl.
- How are you so sure you'll get Jenny?
- Tangy Tango! [thumping techno music]
- We have the same gum.
- So? - So it's a sign.
I mean, we're clearly the same person in two bodies.
Of course we're going to be matched.
- Dream on, dude.
You and Jenny have nothing in common.
She's a rom-com,
and you're an '80s disaster movie
that no one wants to watch.
- You clowns just don't understand our connection.
Believe me, our answers will match perfectly.
[chomping]
[upbeat music]
- * Don't want to go to school today *
* The sun is red hot and I wanna play *
* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *
* Detention again *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *
* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *
- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *
* Big Nate *
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[tense music]
[computer beeping ominously]
[mouse clicks]
[suspenseful music]
- All right, youngsters.
Your computer-generated dance partners will
be posted tomorrow morning.
Imagine all that priceless love data stored on one
tiny, little flash drive.
Now I've just got to keep this little baby safe
until the dance and that giant check is mine--
I mean ours. [laughing nervously]
I didn't say nothing. Don't look at me!
- [sighs] - Hey, Nate.
[clears throat] Nate.
[snapping] Wake up, Romeo.
You got that dopey daydreaming-about-Jenny
look on your face again.
- Well, why shouldn't I dream about Jenny?
After all, we're going to the dance together.
- And how is that exactly?
The quiz results aren't being posted until tomorrow.
- Nate is under the impression that he and Jenny
have so much in common.
[all laughing]
- What could you two possibly have in common?
- Well, I will have you know that we
both love Tangy Tango gum.
So--
- Here, Artur, take this.
I hate Tangy Tango.
- Oh, thank you, my love.
The flavor reminds me of stale gravy and compost apples.
[chewing] Mm, mmm.
Ah, Jenny, I love sound of disgust in your voice.
What else are you hate?
- Well, let's see.
I think skateboarding is gross. - [grunts]
- Rock and roll is lame. - [sobs quietly]
- And comics are so boring.
[loud crash] - [yells] Whoa.
[heart monitor beeping]
- [laughing] When you're wrong, you are so, so wrong.
But when you're right--
no, no, that never happens.
- Tough break.
She literally hates everything you stand for.
- Yeah, I guess you'll just have to go to the dance
with whoever EEW matches you to.
Hope it's human.
- Hi, I'm Grogg! Be my Valentine, Nate Wright!
- [screaming]
What am I going to do?
I got nothing. How about you?
- [gasps]
It's getting hard to breathe down there
with all these terrible ideas.
[door opens] - What's going on up here?
We can hear you pacing from the living room, dear.
And, well it's weird.
- Thought maybe some critters had gotten in.
You know I like me some squirrel meat.
- Ah, yeah, at school, we took these
stupid computerized love connection quizzes
to pair us with our most compatible dance partners.
I obviously want to go with Jenny.
But I'm a little worried we won't match.
- Ha, my boy, I think it's time we shared
a family secret with you.
- Your grandfather and I
dabbled in computer hacking in the '80s.
- [laughing] Dabbled? Ha! Who are we kidding?
We were wanted in 12 states...
[Marge shouting] And parts of Canada.
- Now, not suggesting you should
break into your school's computer.
- Oh, oh, do that!
Hey! - Why not? That's a great idea!
No, wait, hang on.
The test results are in a flash drive
that Principal Nichols is wearing around his neck.
He won't let it out of his sight.
- Oh, son, have a little faith in your grandparents.
- [snoring]
[distant owl hooting]
[suspenseful music]
Money, money, money, money, money.
[head hits frame] - Oh!
[loud crash]
- [muttering] Get out of my pudding.
* *
- We're in luck. He's a heavy sleeper.
That's it!
* *
- [snorts] Ah!
[sighs]
[muttering sleepily]
* *
- [straining]
OK, this might be a little harder than we first thought.
[upbeat suspenseful music]
- [grunting]
- [laughs]
[air squeaks out]
[yells]
- [straining]
[yelps]
- [snoring]
- [yells] [loud crash]
[groans] I have one last idea.
But I warn you, it's pretty stupid.
- Stupid, huh? Sounds good to me.
- Wesley, here's a giant check for you.
Just open your hand and grab it.
- Give it to me. Give it to me.
- Yes! I got it.
- [gasps]
* *
[dinging]
[buzzing]
* *
[water splashes]
- Did I--oh, no!
* *
[startup chime]
- [chuckles, cracks knuckles]
[computer beeping]
[thumping electronic music]
[monkey hooting] [computer buzzes]
[monkey screams]
[computer beeps]
* *
[all cheering]
* *
- [laughing] - We did it, we did it!
- Goodbye, Kim.
And hello, Jenny.
[thumping]
[laughter]
[computer beeps]
[suspenseful music]
[school bell rings]
- Oh, this is more nerve wracking
than casting callbacks.
[loud impact] - Whoa!
- All right, babe, we got matched.
- Yeah!
[bell rings] [laughter]
- Francis? Hmm, I'll take it.
- We must have similar flavor profiles.
- Huh? The--the mop?
[water sloshing]
[romantic music] [smooch sound]
The mop.
- Uh, move aside, children.
Daddy's got some business to check on.
Jen--uh, Kim?
[locker slams shut]
- [blows kiss]
- Cut it out. Stop it! [laughter]
[downbeat music]
- [groans] [head hits locker]
- Hey, Nate, who'd you get?
- Not Jenny, obviously.
[laughter]
[Nate sobbing]
- Well, are you surprised?
It's pretty clear you and Jenny have nothing in common.
Just go with Kim. She's cool.
In a terrifying, bone-crushing way.
- [snorts]
- [groans]
Why did I trust Gram and Gramps again?
- Nate, what did you do?
- All right, fine.
Me and my grandparents stole Nichols' thumb drive
and hacked the quiz results
and made the computer match me with Jenny.
[chuckles]
But something must've glitched after that.
I need to get that thumb drive back.
- You hacked the quiz?
- That is seriously messed up, bro.
- That's over the top, Nate, even for you.
At least our matches came out OK.
- But how do we know he didn't mess them up for anyone else?
- I really like your hair.
- Yeah, maybe we should check on the results.
[water splashing] - [slurping]
- There he is now. [buzzing]
- Nichols clearly doesn't have the drive on him anymore.
- Yeah, that makes no sense.
Yesterday he was literally wearing it in his sleep.
- Follow my lead, Francis. - [yelps]
- Who loves big checks? I love big ch--
well, hello there, Francis.
- Um, hi, Principal Nichols.
I was just wondering, uh,
what happened to your flash drive?
[chuckles] Wearable memory sticks are so cool.
- Yeah, Francis was thinking of
getting a flash drive necklace for himself
so he could be more like you, his "princi-pal."
- Oh, well, I stopped
wearing the flash drive around my neck.
The pressure points were causing me to wet my--uh,
causing me anxiety.
[nervous laughter] - Hmm.
- [laughs uncomfortably]
- It's locked up tight in a steel safe in my office.
[both laugh uncomfortably.
[electronic beeping]
- Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
- No doubt he's got his office locked down tight.
We're going to have to ram through that door
with brute force.
Here we go. [strains]
[door squeaks open] Oh, I knew that was open.
This is going to be easy.
- Ah! Shiny thing.
Ah! [yelps]
- Booby traps!
[tense music]
[kids screaming]
[kids sigh]
- Okay, that's two traps. There must be a third.
Traps always come in threes.
[suspenseful music]
[loud click] Uh, you guys.
- Okay, just stay still.
We'll get you out.
- No, no. We don't know what this trap will do.
Get inside the safe first.
We'll make a run for it after you find the thumb drive.
* *
- How the heck are we supposed to break into a steel safe?
[metallic thumping]
- Gang, we're going to have to get real stupid up in here.
[energetic music]
both: Stupid!
[clattering and grinding]
[explosion] - [moaning]
* *
- Hadouken!
Shoryuken!
[screaming]
* *
[roaring]
[whimpering]
[moans]
- Hmm.
[lock clicking]
Yeah, it was the manufacturer's code.
Nichols never changed it.
- Why didn't you try that first?
- And miss you guys blowing stuff up?
No way.
[all cheering]
- Okay, now, um, get me out of here.
- [grunts]
I'll push forward, and you roll backwards on three.
One, two, three.
[metallic clank]
[squirrel chatters]
[suspenseful music]
* *
- Okay, you did the thing. Let's go.
- Hey, Chad still has the mop.
- Oh, you know, that's okay. You could just leave that one.
We've really hit it off.
[romantic music]
[music stops] [wet smooching]
- Okay. Okay, now, let's see.
Who should we put Artur with? Uh--[clicks tongue]
Ooh, ooh! The Azdaya!
[laughing evilly]
[soft pleasant music]
- [laughing] Oh! Oh, my love!
You are looking more beautiful
than Stylgravian goat frolicking through pasture!
Uh? [roaring and screaming]
[Azdaya gulps and burps]
[Azdaya roars]
- Perfect. [laughs evilly]
- Wait. That's pretty mean, Nate.
You're already taking his girlfriend.
- Stop, give it back. [grunting and straining]
[tense music]
- Uh-oh. We better get out of here.
* *
[electrical zapping]
* *
[bird squawks]
- Huh? [screams]
[soft upbeat music]
[both laugh]
[knock at door]
- Mr. Galvin?
- Ah, good evening, Mrs. Pope.
I know it's late, but mere moments ago,
I received an email informing me that you--ahem--
are my soul mate.
- Huh? - Huh?
[marker squeaking]
[computer alert beeping]
[computer chiming]
- No match. No match. No match.
[dog panting] - Vern, I've got some news.
[dog barking]
[roosters crowing]
[peaceful music]
* *
[alarm rings] - [yawns]
- Today's the day. [chuckles]
Who needs compatibility when you got mad hacking skills?
[Blind Melon's "No Rain"]
[soft upbeat music]
* *
[person screaming]
- * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *
[people yelling]
* *
* All I can say is that my life is pretty plain *
* I like watching the puddles gather rain *
[electronic beeping]
* I'll always be there when you wake *
- [whistling]
- You guys! What have we done?
- Huh?
- The whole town is falling apart and it's our fault.
Even my parents are fighting.
- Sweetheart, what does he have that I don't have?
- You don't by any chance have radish juice, do you?
New environments always get my bowels compacted.
- My parents are counseling the couples of Rackleff 24/7
for the next five years, with no break!
I'll never see them again.
- And my parents said that the math of the relationship
is not adding up anymore!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh! - It's not working!
- Do you have nothing to say about this, Nate?
- Um...
Oh, Jenny, hey!
Hey, hey, did you see the board?
Yeah, it looks like
you and I are going to the dance together.
[chuckles] - Oh, okay.
You haven't seen Artur, have you?
He missed our morning cuddle.
- Curse you, Azdaya,
creature of Stylgravia who eat joy!
[Artur screams]
Oh, Artur will never love you, no matter what love quiz say!
[roaring and screaming]
- Uh, nope. No, I haven't seen him.
I'm sure he's fine though. Anyway, pick you up at 8:00?
- I guess. Better than going alone.
Oh, Artur. - [chuckles]
You see that?
That's called closing the deal-io, my friends.
[chuckles]
Did you notice how excited Jenny was?
- Nate, are you insane?
You took this way too far. Rackleff is in shambles.
[crowd yelling]
And Jenny's clearly miserable without Artur.
[Jenny sobbing]
- Hmm, yeah, no, I'm not seeing that.
[tense music]
- [whistling]
[gasps] Sweet and sour cornichons!
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no!
It's gone!
No flash drive means no data, which means no giant check!
[feedback screeches] Attention, children.
The PS 38 Valentine's Day dance
is canceled until further notice.
[all grumble]
- [laughs nervously]
- A very important flash drive was stolen from my office.
[all grumble]
And the dance will not go on
until whoever stole it returns it.
[all grumbling angrily]
- Who would do something like that?
- Well, now, hey, I'm sure whoever did it,
obviously not me, did it for some very romantic,
totally forgivable reason that I'm sure he can easily fix.
- Whatever.
- Nate, you need to come clean.
My family is on the line.
- And mine. - And mine.
- Come on, Nate.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Maybe I did let things get a little out of control.
But it was for love, and how could that be wrong?
- [laughing]
Guys, we are in love. We're going to get married.
[romantic music]
- Okay, yeah, it was totally wrong.
- So what are you gonna do about it?
- Oh, easy.
The same thing I always do: talk my way out of it.
And if it doesn't work, blame Francis.
- [sighs]
- Romantic troubles got you down?
Be at PS 38 at 7:30 with the rest of the town!
- [roars] - [screams]
[bicycle bell rings]
- Whoa! [grunts] - Oh, hello, honey.
Aren't you supposed to be at that dance soon with that girl?
- [straining] - What's her name? Fleur?
- Jenny.
And, well, look, I'm not sure if you guys noticed,
but I basically burned down the entire town
trying to get that date.
- Way to go, honey. We're so proud of you.
- Hey, uh, have you guys seen that flash drive
I left around here somewhere?
- That's funny. It was here a second ago.
[stomach rumbling]
- [gasps] Woo-hoo!
[dramatic music]
[crowd yelling]
- Get the love usurper!
- [shudders] Okay, grand speech time.
Any ideas how I should play it?
- Uh, talk fast before they get stabby?
- Don't get stabbed. Got it.
[takes deep breath]
[clears throat] Uh, hello. Hi, everyone.
You're probably wondering how all your lives got messed up.
[laughs] And, uh, well, um, it was kind of, um, me.
- Sorcery! - Burn the witch!
* *
- So I--er, well,
I stole Principal Nichols' flash drive
and hacked the love connection quiz.
- You did what?
- But, but, but people shouldn't be together
because of a quiz or, you know, in my case,
because of cheating.
You should be with somebody you have things in common with
and somebody who likes you just the way you are.
And that's why, Jenny...
you should go to the dance with A-A-Artur.
- Okay, but Artur is still missing.
- Yah! Woo-hoo-hoo!
[groans]
From far away, I tame the Azdaya
and make it bring me back to you!
Like Stylgravian whooping rash! - Oh, Artur!
[smooching]
- [groans] Okay, okay.
As I was saying, and will probably regret
for the rest of my natural life,
these two crazy kids belong together.
And that goes for all of you.
Ignore whatever that stupid quiz says.
You should be with who you belong with,
not who you're told to be with.
- Yeah, he's right! [all cheering]
[upbeat music]
- Oof!
- So about that flash drive?
- [chuckles nervously] Huh?
Hmm.
Oh, uh, here you go. [chuckles uncomfortably]
- [laughs] - Um, hey, one last favor.
Not for me, but for the rest of the school.
Can the Valentine's dance be back on?
- Yes, it can, Nate. And you know what?
You're gonna to be there. - [laughs] I am?
- Why, yes indeed-y, because I've just established
a post-dance clean-up committee.
And you are it.
- Yep, I guess that's fair.
- And you've got detention every day
for the next two months.
- Okay, harsh but deserved.
- And until further notice,
you are Mrs. Godfrey's new classroom helper.
- You, sir, are a monster.
- The dance is back on, folks!
Oh, and PS 38 cannot be held liable
for any damages to the town.
Happy Valentine's Day now!
[electricity crackling]
- Easy, men, there's enough for everyone.
- Sorry it didn't work out with Jenny.
- Yeah, it's okay.
My day will come.
- Maybe it's already here.
- Whoa, who's that?
- She's the new girl. Her name's Ruby.
I hear she's super nice.
And she's a huge comic book fan.
[Nate laughs nervously]
- Nice to finally be regular again.
- [grunts]
- Oh, FYI, Wesley, there's a limo waiting
for you in the parking lot.
- Woo-hoo, pay day!
[laughs]
- Our love isn't wrong.
It's society that's wrong.
I want you to know
I will never forget you.
I love you. [sobbing]
[loud grinding]
[crying]
[suspenseful music]
- Do you have the data? - Oh, yes. Yes, I do.
It's all right here, safe and sound.
- Your giant check, as promised.
- [laughs] Ooh, oh, let me look at you!
[laughs]
My giant check for--
[dramatic notes]
$20?
[tires squealing]
* *
- The personal information of all the children
is now property of EEW Corp.
[computer chiming]
* *
Ah.
* *
[snarling]
Nate Wright is proving to be a problem.
A big problem.
[romantic music]
* *
* There Is a different dream girl *
* I just know your head smells like fresh salad *
* With Italian dressing *