- So although a woman named Sacagawea
did all the work, Lewis and Clark
get all the credit.
[bees buzz] [both scream]
- Typical. Men are glory hogs.
[school bell rings]
School's over! Get out!
- You heard her. Out!
Only I get to stay after class.
Want me to help you grade
the small-brained students' papers?
We can laugh at all their answers.
- Sorry, Gina, my little peppermint.
Miraculously, nobody got detention today,
so my afternoon is my own.
Finally, I get to check out Rackleff's new cat café,
The Queen of Spades.
[cat meows]
- I can go with you, Mrs. Godfrey.
- No, you will not! [tiger roars]
[sighs]
I need to take a break from you energy vampires
and pamper my inner feline.
[cat meows]
[robotically] Teacher mode deactivated.
- [hocks spit]
[spit whistles]
[sizzling] - Ha ha, yeah!
The soft cement's sizzling today.
Thanks, global warming.
- See, kids? Climate change
is good for America.
[eagle screeches] This message is brought to you
by the EEW! Corporation.
- Wa ha!
Y'all ready to make some playground pizza?
[laughs] - [grunts]
Oof.
Brought the dough. - You couldn't have kept it
in your bag? - Was using my butt heat
to activate the yeast--
cooking 101. [dough bubble pops]
- Coincidentally, 101 is my personal butt temperature.
Don't ask me how I know that. I just do.
- I brought Gram Applewhite's
famous domestic cat milk cheese.
- Whoa, butt dough and cat cheese?
That'll pair nicely with Nate's special sauce.
Whoa!
[pants]
Uh, okay, don't worry.
It's still good-- five second rule.
- [humming]
Wha--wha--ah!
- [panting] [Mrs. Godfrey crashes]
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Godfrey.
Here, let me help you.
- [grunting]
[suspenseful music]
No more!
Meet me in detention! - [groans]
- I need to talk to Nichols.
Nichols!
[upbeat music]
- * Don't want to go to school today *
* The sun is red hot and I wanna play *
* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *
* Detention again *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *
* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *
- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *
* Big Nate *
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[school bell rings]
- [groans] This is the worst day ever.
[grumbling]
- Greetings, PS 38 family! [chuckles]
Before you head off into this glorious sunny afternoon,
please see me if you know
of a qualified substitute teacher
willing to work for minimum wage
and free tap water.
[slurps]
[spits] Ah!
The water is thick today.
What was that-- a toenail or something?
Effective tomorrow, due to work-related exhaustion,
Mrs. Godfrey is taking
an extended leave of absence.
[angelic music]
- This is the best day ever!
- Canned yams, huh?
When you were a boy, I fed you farm-fresh yams.
- Which you stole from the farm, Dad.
- If a yam farm doesn't have security,
that's not my problem.
- How was school today, champ?
- It was amazing!
Mrs. Godfrey, AKA Chalkzilla,
AKA Garlic Loaf,
AKA the bane of my existence
is leaving!
Principal Nichols is gonna hire a long-term sub!
[party horn toots]
- Marty,
didn't you get a substitute teaching certificate
when you were in your I-should-stop-living-
in-my-parents'-basement phase?
- Oh, that was years ago.
- Hmm...
[chain saw revving]
[chain saw crashes]
[bell dings]
[gasps] Dad, you gotta call Nichols
and get the gig! Father-son bonding time,
it would be awesome!
- Gee, I'm not sure I'm qualified
to teach social studies.
- Ah, come on, it's easy.
We literally don't do anything.
- Hmm, I have always wanted to get paid to do nothing.
I'll do it!
I'm calling Principal Nichols right now.
- Bet if my dad's a teacher,
I'll get away with murder!
[laughs evilly] [chain saw revs]
- [screams]
- Can you believe I got hired
without an interview?
- Absolutely, Marty.
An interview with you would've been
the kiss of death, and no offense there,
but boy, you've got all the charisma of a used tea bag.
- Here's your lunch box, Marty.
- You made me lunch?
Thanks, Mom.
[solemn music]
- Ugh, it's to fill it
with cafeteria food for us, Marty.
- Think of your parents for once.
You are a grown man.
Isn't he, Marge? - That, he is.
[whispers] You forgot to zip your pants up
after you went pee pee.
- Made you look.
- * One, two princes kneel before you *
[laughter]
- Hi, Nate's Dad!
- Teddy...
- Oh, bro, your pops is at school.
You must be in trouble.
- Au contraire, Ted-aire.
My troubles are over
now that my dad's our new social studies teacher!
- And that is exciting, Nate!
I didn't know your dad's a teacher.
- Oh, no, he's totally not,
which is what makes this so uniquely awesome!
- Okay. [clears throat]
Social studies, am I right?
Social studies is the study of social stuff.
Yeah, let's, uh, be social--
get to know one another a bit.
Who wants to share something fun about themselves?
- I wanna share something. I wanna share something.
- Dee Dee has something
to share. - Fine, it's not a big deal
or anything, but the local commercial
I'm starring in begins airing
this afternoon on Channel 12!
- Not a big deal?
That's a huge deal.
Congratulations, Dee Dee.
I'm glad you spoke up.
You gotta self-promote.
I know that from my band days.
- This is all very fascinating,
but I'm sure Mr. Wright spent all night
preparing for our unit on the year 1920?
- 1920, right--
a year I know a lot about.
I'd tell you about it,
but we only have--
Ugh, wow, 58 minutes
left of class time,
and we need to make flyers,
we'll pass out to help Dee Dee
spread the word about her commercial.
Who'd like to run to the art room for supplies?
- I'll go! - Excuse me, Mr. Wright?
But Mrs. Godfrey doesn't allow Nate to go on class errands.
He's disruptive in the halls.
[laughs evilly]
- [growls] - Ah, I trust him.
[TV static drones] Go ahead, Nate.
- Yee-hoo!
Dee Dee's television debut! - Channel 12!
- Your dad's the coolest teacher.
- Ooh...
- Hey, Dad, can my friends come over after school
to watch Dee Dee's commercial together?
- Sure, we can even order pizza.
No canned yams tonight.
I'm pulling in a teacher's salary.
Take that, Mom and Dad.
- Excuse me, Mr. Wright,
what's the homework?
Mrs. Godfrey always gives us homework.
It's kind of my life force.
[screams]
[spitballs squelching] [grunts]
- Shh, will you be quiet?
- No, no, don't bring it up.
- All right then, your homework is to watch
Dee Dee's commercial-- teacher's orders.
- Hey there, Super Sub,
I don't know if I mentioned it,
but you gotta be the detention monitor now.
[chuckles] It's all part of the gig,
nah I'm sayin'? [laughs]
- Oh, dope. Wanna walk there together,
Nate's Dad? - Sure.
- Right this way, sir.
- I guess a teacher's work is never done.
- Hey, Dad, we can still get pizza, right?
- Hmm...
[all whimper]
Eh, why not?
- You have acquired Dad's credit card.
You may now advance to act two.
- Now presenting
the girl, the myth, the legend,
Dee Dee Holloway!
Whoo-hoo!
- Ooh-ooh. - Yeah, Dee Dee.
- How's it going, baby?
- * Don't go yet *
- [grunting]
You know, I never realized how many stairs there are
in Rackleff. - Yes, though,
the ramp was invented in 2600 B.C.
Rackleff, apparently, has yet
to hear about them.
[loud crash]
- The talent has arrived!
- Oh, hiya, girls!
Pump the brakes on that shrimp, Vern.
You don't want too much crustacean dust in your system.
[munches] - [grunts]
What's the commercial for anyway, Dee Dee?
- No clue, actually.
They were kind of secretive about it.
I had to run around in front of a green screen,
saying, "Gotta go!"
You know, I'm guessing it's some exclusive store opening.
Ooh-ooh, or maybe a swanky new restaurant.
Ah! It's starting.
Gotta go!
Right now.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Looking good, Dee Dee. - Go Dee Dee, go Dee Dee.
- * Chronic diarrhea *
* Got you running for the loo *
[toilet flushes] - I'll say.
- * Looking for a method * - Gotta go!
- * To control that pesky poo? *
- And how?
- * Pooping should be private *
* When it's public, that's a blunder *
* Try the Under Wonder *
* And cast butt thunder asunder *
- Gotta go!
- * Let's talk about your troubles *
- Oh, my.
- * There's no need to be formal *
* Your freaky bathroom issues *
* They are totally normal *
- Oh, yeah, the Under Wonder.
I have to try that.
- [grunts]
- [stifling laughter] - What am I going to do?
This is a disaster for my reputation!
- More like re-poo-tation.
[school bell rings]
- Ooh...
no, it's okay, Dee Dee. It's okay.
Maybe no one even watched it.
Ooh...
- Whoa-ho, it's Doo Doo Holloway!
[laughter] - Ah, oh...
[laughter]
- Hey, bubbleguts, you dropping the kids off at the pool?
[laughs] - Taking the Browns swimming?
- Letting loose from your caboose?
- [screams]
[school bell rings] [laughter]
[groans]
Whew, made it.
- Hey there, superstar.
- More like pooperstar!
[laughter]
- Don't be embarrassed, Dee Dee.
Unexpected bowel issues happen to all of us.
For example, every time Nate talks about Jenny here,
he passes gas. [laughs]
[laughter] - That's funny, Dad.
He's totally joking, Jenny. That's not true at all--
[farts] - [retches]
- And just last week,
after one of Nate's special deliveries,
our toilet exploded.
- Excuse me, Mr. Wright,
shouldn't we be talking about, like, I don't know,
social studies and stuff?
You know, like learning useless
trivia about 1920 and whatnot?
- Really? I thought you didn't
do anything in this class.
Okey-dokey, let's all go to the library
and see what's up with 1920.
- What did you do that for, man?
We were finally getting a break in this class.
- Nate's dad is way cooler than Nate.
[food squelching]
- Ooh, stay cool, Dee Dee.
Stay cool.
Everyone will forget about the commercial in no time.
- When I had dairy,
my poo poo sounds like this--
[food squelches and farts] Oh,
oh...
[grunting] Is that normal?
- No one's ever gonna forget the commercial, are they?
- Yeah, no.
I'd invest in some radical cosmetic surgery.
- Hi, buddy. Make sure to order
a healthy lunch. You're a growing boy.
[laughter]
I'll be back in ten minutes to burp you.
[laughter]
- Okay, I might need to move to Canada.
Excuse me a sec. - [sobs] Don't leave me, Nate!
[food squelching]
- Hey, still half full.
Hi, buddy! - Dad, don't buddy me.
It's embarrassing.
You wouldn't treat Teddy like that, would you?
- Well, of course I wouldn't. Teddy's not my Nate nugget--
my bambino,
my cuddle cub!
- And neither am I--
at least, not while at school, okay?
You have to treat me like any other kid.
[sighs] If that's what you really want,
but okay. I promise to treat you like--
[sighs] Any other kid.
- [gasps] Don't ever
leave me again, Nate.
I'm in a very vulnerable position.
- Uh, hang on. I forgot to bring
my lunch money. - Nate, no!
- Hey, Doo Doo... [laughs evilly]
- Dad, I forgot lunch money.
can you spot me? - Sorry, Nate.
No one else can ask their parent for lunch money,
and I respect your desire
to be treated like any other kid.
- Dad, ugh. Whatever.
I'm sure Chad brought extra lunch.
- Hey, Nate's Dad, we got an empty seat over here!
Wanna sit with us?
[laughter]
- [groans]
- [whimpers]
- [milkshake squelching]
- [whimpers]
[food squelching and farts]
[suspenseful music]
[mustard squelches]
[screams]
* *
[fart]
- Uh, uh, where am I?
[scary giggling]
Guys, are you there?
- Hey, Nate, great news!
The school wants to hire me permanently.
- Your dad is so cool!
- I'm besties with your dad. [laughs evilly]
- No, no,
no!
- [screaming]
- You're one of us now! [evil laughter]
[circus music]
* *
[all scream]
[pants zip]
- [screams]
[both scream]
[groaning]
[phone rings]
Dee Dee Holloway speaking.
- Dee Dee,
it's Lara from Channel 12
calling with great news!
Under Wonder sales have tripled
thanks to your commercial.
We're gonna start airing it twice an hour
state-wide!
- No!
No! [cries]
- Everyone in all of Maine
is gonna know your name--
Diarrhea Girl!
- Wha-- [chokes]
Dad! Why are you wearing
my old T-ball uniform?
[car crashes] [person screams]
- I'm gonna make today's social studies lesson
super-duper fun.
Did you know that 1920
was the first year Babe Ruth
ever hit 50 home runs in a season?
Yup, I just learned that in the library,
just like a real teacher.
[shorts squeaking]
- I can't believe I'm about to say what I'm gonna say,
but I'm gonna say it!
I gotta get Godfrey back--
right now!
- Hey, if I ran away, would you come with me?
We could go to New York.
- No. - Come on!
You love New York.
- Yes, but I also love my mom
and not having my picture on a milk carton,
and we're 11.
We can't get jobs. - [groans]
Maybe I could sign autographs--
"To Jimmy,
"with best wishes from your friend,
Diarrhea Girl!"
[groans]
- Hey, Dee Dee. - [screams]
[groans]
- I wanted to tell you something.
Sometimes, when I get overstimulated,
my stomach starts to-- - Leave me alone!
I don't have bathroom issues, okay?
Nothing gross comes out of me ever!
I am not disgusting!
[panting]
[sighs] - Uh, oh, um--
[slurps]
I--I guess I shouldn't have told you.
It--it's just that commercial said
weird bathroom issues are totally normal.
I thought you were an ally.
I now see you were only acting.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You were being serious?
You weren't making fun of me?
You were actually moved
by my performance?
- Yeah, and I guess you had me fooled.
I'll just go away now--
to school, I mean.
- [grunting and groaning]
[screams]
- Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying!
Unless it's cat-related. [cat meows]
- No, Mrs. Godfrey, it's just me.
Mrs. Godfrey, I--
I-- [vomits]
I miss you.
Please come back and be our teacher.
[screams] - Ha!
Not a chance!
Now that I'm not spending every waking minute at school,
I have so much time to get things done around the house.
My fur babies deserve a little cat palace!
- Well, maybe you could get a housekeeper?
- [scoffs] I can't afford a housekeeper
on a teacher's salary, Nate Wright.
If only there was a child
that would be desperate enough to work for me for free.
[laughs evilly]
- * Walking on, walking on *
* Broken glass *
[bell dings] - [screams]
["Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox]
- * You were the sweetest thing *
- [screams]
[cat meows]
[cat yowls]
- * But I don't care *
- [screams]
- * If I can't have you *
* *
[towel sizzles] [cat yowls]
- [screams]
- Mean, clean,
and restored at last.
- [groans]
Does that mean you're ready
to come back to school?
- I loathe to admit this,
but you did good, Nate. [cat meows]
I haven't seen my babies
this happy in a long time.
I'll let you have this one.
- [weakly] Yay.
[screams]
[school bell rings]
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh, hey, Kim.
Sorry I was kind of a jerk before.
- Hear you spend a lot of time in here.
[snickers] - OMG!
It's Doo Doo Holloway!
Did chronic diarrhea have you running for the loo?
[laughs] - [groans]
[laughter]
Not today, but if it had,
it would be nothing to be ashamed of.
We all have bathroom issues sometimes.
[laughter]
- Actually, she's right.
Everyone has bathroom issues.
Don't you?
- Well,
sometimes, when I laugh,
I pee a little.
- And I always sit backwards
on the toilet seat,
'cause I'm scared I'll fall in.
I've never told anyone that before!
- I usually have trouble going to the bathroom
when people are around.
It makes me feel embarrassed.
- You have shy bladder syndrome.
It's okay.
That's a really common bathroom issue.
Look, don't beat yourself up, girl.
Remember my commercial?
* Let's talk about your troubles *
* There's no need to be formal *
all: * Your freaky bathroom issues *
* They are totally normal *
- Yeah! - [laughing]
- Oh, yeah, awesome!
- I did it!
I went even though you guys were here!
Thanks, Dee Dee!
- I shouldn't have been ashamed of my character, Diarrhea Girl.
She's bigger than me.
She is all of us.
As an actor, I must always be a vessel of truth,
highlighting the gritty, but universal bowels
of the human condition!
- Wow, that's very moving.
- Yes, in fact,
I feel movement coming on right now.
all: * Let's talk about your troubles *
* There's no need to be formal *
* Freaky bathroom issues *
- [gasps]
- I have weird bathroom issues myself!
[air horn blares] [all cheer]
- [growls]
[grunts]
Something isn't right.
I smell...
[sniffs]
Self-esteem.
all: * Talk about your troubles *
- What the frivolity?
You vandals should be
in social studies class!
Gina, even you are participating
in this buffoonery?
What are you thinking?
- Our substitute teacher encouraged this behavior,
Mrs. Godfrey. I knew that he didn't know
what he was doing.
He's Nate Wright's dad.
- Mrs. Godfrey, you're back already?
- Mr. Wright is the best teacher ever!
all: [chanting] Mr. Wright! Mr. Wright!
- And what exactly did this Mr. Wright--
whose bare midriff-- [belly burps]
Violates dress code--
teach you Neanderthals?
- He taught us how to have f...fun!
- Well, there's one lesson you're going to unlearn--
and swiftly.
Head to my classroom at once, sixth-graders!
We're having a pop quiz on the year 1920.
It will count as half your grade for the semester.
[all whine]
If you don't go into the classroom--
[demonic voice] I'll eat your souls
in detention!
[huffing and puffing]
[all scream]
[growls]
- I'm sorry I couldn't be your teacher for longer, buddy.
I know how much you've loved
having me at school with you all day.
- Yes, wow!
What a bummer. Sorry, Dad.
[laughs] I guess I'll just, uh--
yeah, see you at home then.
Buh-bye now.
- By the way,
you're gonna wanna reheat the tuna noodle casserole
because Nate will be home late tonight!
He has detention.
- Wait, wait, wait, what?
Why? - You were very late
to school today, young man.
- Yeah, because I was helping you!
- [roars]
- [groans]
[rock music]
- * Chronic diarrhea *
* Got you running for the loo *
* Looking for a method *
- * To control that pesky poo? *
* Pooping should be private *
* When it's public, that's a blunder *
* Try the Under Wonder *
* And cast butt thunder asunder *
* Your freaky bathroom issues *
* They are totally normal *