- Ha, ha! Come on, Nate.
Give it a good whack like this.
- [groans]
both: Ooh.
both: Mm.
- Did you guys see that?
Spencer Rinfroe, the coolest, most awesome kid
in seventh grade just returned our tetherball.
Oh, what I wouldn't do to be friends with him.
Like Cammie Hunter or Brintch Clintcherson.
- [groans]
- [laughs]
- Why, you ask? Well, I heard
Spencer throws kissing parties.
[soft music]
- Oh. [laughter]
- Uh, what are you doing? - [gasps]
[upbeat music]
- * Don't want to go to school today *
* The sun is red hot and I wanna play *
* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *
* Detention again *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *
- * Big Nate, Big Nate *
- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *
* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *
- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *
* Big Nate *
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- [yawns] Morning, Pops.
- Morning, kiddo.
Have a great day at school today.
- Sure will.
- Nate, I told you I can't tip you
just for getting out of bed.
- Aren't you forgetting something?
- Oh, no, is it Ellen's birthday?
- No, Dad, I meant my lunch.
- Lunch, right. Sorry, Nate.
I got distracted by my horoscope.
[clears throat] Beware.
Huh? That's all it says.
Here's a dollar. Does that cover a chicken sandwich?
- Yeah, that doesn't even cover the bread,
but you know what? Forget it. It's fine.
I'll just mooch some food off my well-nourished friends.
- [sighs] [tires squeal]
- I'm telling you guys there's got to be something we can do
to make the seventh graders think we can hang.
I mean, what is it that they have that we don't?
- Longer legs. - Deeper voices.
- Self-confidence.
- They've already had chicken pox.
- You haven't had chicken pox yet, Chad?
- Well, on the contrary, Nate,
I've been feeding mine for years.
[bawking] - Sick!
[groans] - Is that the big dipper?
[upbeat music]
[gasps] Spencer.
Wait a minute, he has a moustache.
- They have moustaches.
- Oh, and that means?
- It means all we have to do is grow moustaches.
Ha! I can't believe I didn't think of that before.
How hard can that be? - Pretty hard for me.
- Come on, just roll with me here, friend Dee Dee.
We grow moustaches, Spencer wants to be our friend,
and then we get invited to kissing parties.
- I'm out. If a moustache shows up over these lips,
I will tweeze it out of existence.
Catch you later, beardiots.
- I have to clean my locker.
[laughs]
- And I would, Nate, but I...
- Oh, whatever. Forget you guys.
Teddy? - I am so in.
Where do we get moustaches, bro?
- [laughs] Leave that part to me.
- No kid of mine will go to school
without a sandwich again.
Okay, Mr. Bread, where are you?
[screams]
[groans]
- Daddy? - [screams]
- Huh? Well, who says I can't make my own?
I have no idea what I'm doing.
- You ready, bro? - No idea.
[upbeat music]
* *
- [screams]
- [singing in Spanish]
both: * Our bigotes *
* Look at our bigotes *
* I learned a new word *
* Our bigotes *
* Look at our bigotes *
* We're now in seventh grade *
* With our bigotes, aye * - [sighs]
[laughter]
- [clears throat]
- Hmm? - Sup?
- S to the up.
- Hmm. both: Hmm.
both: [gulps]
- Hmm.
Huh, sixth graders with moustaches.
Never thought I'd live to see the day.
both: Yeah!
- Thanks for coming over, Pedro.
- It's good you called me.
- I'm trying to make a couple slices of bread,
but it's not working.
- Oh, that's because you're only halfway there, Martin.
What you have concocted here is sourdough starter.
This is more than a couple of slices.
It could be three or four. Maybe even 100.
- Really? I don't think I need that many.
- Well, you're thinking about this all wrong.
You might not need that many, but the world does.
- The world needs this?
- Yes, Martin, yes. Carbs are in.
We start by selling door-to-door.
See? Rope them in then they'll come crawling back for more.
It'll be our very own sourdough starter start-up.
- A starter start-up? You really think this can work?
- Trust me. Before long, you'll have
enough dough to launch your very own bakery.
And Nate will never show up to school without a lunch again.
- Hmm.
- Now, I know what you're thinking, Spencer.
I'm slightly below average in the height department.
- You're way below average.
- And Teddy here isn't exactly a fashion trend setter.
- I wear the same thing every day.
- Yeah, yeah, the point is we might look like sixth graders,
but we've got what it takes to roll with you guys.
- I doubt it. Sixth grade is like
a bike with training wheels.
Once you get into seventh it's like motocross.
- We text, we hang out, we even throw kissing parties,
which I doubt either of you can handle.
Boom.
Nailed it.
- We can handle kissing parties.
- Yeah, let's just say these lip brooms
have swept a lot of lucky ladies off their feet.
- Well, no sixth grader has ever been
to one of our parties, so if you want to prove you can
hang with the big dogs, you have to play your cards right.
- Oh, not a problem. My Go Fish skills are off the hook.
[laughter]
- Come meet us after school.
We'll see how cool you really are.
- Hmm.
both: Yeah!
[school bell rings]
- There you guys are.
You want to play Time Disruptors after school?
- Sup, fools?
You two want to ride with us? - We got two more spots here
if you want to go down the road for a tasty cone with us.
- Mom, are you kidding me right now?
- Heck yeah. - You know it.
[car door shuts]
- Where are they going?
- With their new friends, I guess.
- * Oh, don't you dare look back *
* Just keep your eyes on me *
* I think you're holding back *
- You guys enjoying that ice cream, hmm?
Does it taste fresh?
- Uh, yeah. I mean, everyone
knows Scoopsies milks their own cows.
- Come on, guys, it doesn't take a rocket scientist
to realize that Scoopsies' cows
are being held here against their will.
- [laughs]
- They are?
- What do you two think seventh grade is all about?
- Briefs to boxers. - Male pattern balding.
- Yeah, sure, that stuff, I guess.
But it's really about fighting crime.
- Crime? As in like crime-crime?
- Would you quiet down, dude?
Who else would protect this city if not us?
- Awesome. So we get to fight crime
and go to kissing parties.
- Only if you can hang.
- But you'll have a chance to prove yourself tonight
'cause after Scoopsies closes up shop
we're gonna expose this place for what it really is.
You in, sixth graders?
- Um... - Uh-huh.
Let's liberate some bovine.
- Local cows freed from Scoopsies.
Scoopsies destroyed in freak cattle stampede.
Children will never experience happiness again.
[mooing]
- I can't believe Scoopsies is gone.
I feel lost, broken.
Why would someone do this?
- So many memories gone in a blink of an eye.
- My gram used to bring me there after her bingo nights.
It's where I learned to swim.
- Uh, Chad, there was no pool at Scoopsies.
- I know, but the sinks were really big.
all: [sighs]
- There's something we have to tell you guys.
- Be right back, guys. I think Teddy has to hurl.
- We did that, man. We freed the cows.
- Teddy, calm down. I mean, you heard Spencer.
The place was bent, probably. We did our friends a favor.
You want them to end up in cement shoes?
- I don't know what that means. - It's okay.
Everything's cool as long as we don't say anything.
But one slip up and we go back to being weird,
little sixth graders like Hamster Hank.
[laughter and screams]
- Hamster Hank brings the pain. Whoo-hoo!
- Sixth graders who don't get invited to kissing parties.
Now, buckle up, buckaroo.
Make sure that moustache stays glued on.
We got this. [doorbell rings]
- Hello, there. Fine afternoon to buy some bread, isn't it?
[laughs] [doorbell rings]
- Hello! How would you like to taste...
Ow! - Hey, kiddo.
My name's Martin and I'd like to tell you about my...
- Ever thought you... - Might need a change in...
- The kind of bread you... - Don't want to miss this one.
[door closes]
- Ah, cheer up, amigo.
It's just a little first day jitters, is all.
- I don't know, Pedro.
I don't think I'm really much of a sales person.
- Perhaps or perhaps we've been trying to catch fish
when we could be bagging a whale.
- I'm sorry, gents.
I can't afford a year's supply of sourdough bread.
- But Principal Nichols, we're not selling sourdough bread.
- We're selling sourdough starter.
- Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.
- I'm confused.
Weren't we talking about bread?
- Exactly. Bread you won't have to pay for
once we teach you how to make it yourself.
They say bread farming is the wave of the future.
- They do?
[laughs]
I want to be a bread farmer.
- Check it out, crew. Active heist going down.
Nate-dog, T-dog, take the lead. We'll hold back.
Don't want to blow our cover. - Yeah, yeah.
You got it, Spence-dog. - Nate, this is crazy.
How do you know that lady isn't' buying a TV
like a normal person? - Because Spencer said so.
He's a seventh grader and he called us dogs.
[screams] Not on my watch.
Whoo-hoo!
- Hi, um, is that your money?
- Well, yes. - Not on my watch.
- [groans] all: Mm-hmm.
- Hmm? [growls]
- Okay, just below us is an off-the-books nuclear silo
hidden underneath Rackleff's pet store.
We need you two to grab us surveillance photos.
- Roger. 10-4. Over.
[gasps]
- Are you seeing how insane this is?
- What are you talking about, man?
- Has it crossed your mind that Spencer was wrong
about Scoopsies? He's probably wrong about
a missile silo underneath the pet store.
That guys' cuckoo bananas. Are we really going to jump out
of a chopper for a chance to go to a kissing party?
- Does this answer your question?
- [sighs] - This warehouse is...perfect.
- Well, it's certainly big. - Listen, my friend.
If we're going to start a sourdough starter start-up,
we need plenty of space.
- Hmm.
Got a hot tip about these two setting up a fake business
called "Doughboyz." Obviously a front for the mob.
- Oh, yeah? Who called in the tip?
- My mom. She's my feet on the ground.
- Makes total sense.
- This is our main guy. Name: Dad Bod.
And he doesn't work alone.
- Not only does he not work alone,
He has a partner. Boom! Nailed it.
- [groans] That there is Man In Hat.
- And they're our next targets.
- Yeah, uh, what makes you think
these guys are a front for the mob?
- Does it matter? - Uh, yeah.
- Spencer, can I talk to you for a sec.
- What are you doing, man?
You're gonna blow this for us and hey, hey, hey.
Glue your moustache on. It's sagging.
- Are you sure these two are cut out for this?
- Yeah, they're cool, Cam. They got moustaches.
- [sighs] Okay.
- All right, gang.
Look, I got an idea for the sting.
- Oh, yeah, I love a good sting.
[laughs] What's a sting?
- Seriously? - Check it out.
The plan goes down at my kissing party this Friday.
We're gonna catch these two when they least expect it.
- [gasps] It's happening.
Kissing party. We made it to the big time.
- As long as the rest of my crew thinks you're up for it.
- We will not let you down.
- Good because this won't be just any party.
We'll be ordering a very special dinner.
Dough, guys.
We're gonna be ordering dough from Doughboyz.
all: Oh.
- Feast your eyes on the first two sixth graders
to ever be invited to a seventh grade kissing party, baby.
- Wow. Whoop-dee-dang-doo.
- Kissing party? Who have you guys ever kissed?
- Well, I don't like to kiss and tell,
but we'll just say I once had a pretty hot moment
with my cousin's Miami Sami doll.
[soft music]
* *
- Look, we may not all be that experienced, "Francis."
- Why did you say my name in air quotes?
- But compared to what the seventh graders have
put us through so far, it should be a piece of cake.
- I remember my first kissing party.
I barely got out alive.
Have fun, you two.
[screams]
- [sighs]
- Just watch. This is gonna be the night of our lives.
You cool, bro? - I'm fine.
- You good though? - I said I'm fine.
- Yeah, yeah, no, yeah. I'm good. You good?
- Dude, we had ample chances to bail.
You made your bed here and now, you got to kiss it.
- No, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm so good.
You good? - [groans]
[laughter]
- [laughs]
- * Know somehow *
* I guess every rose *
both: [laughter]
- Oh, Dios mío. - Oh, goodness.
[gasps]
- * Just like every night has it's dawn *
- [chuckles] That's me, I think.
- Oh, that's definitely you, bro.
[laughs]
- Look in her eyes, bro.
You landed on a good one. She's a pro.
- [gulps]
Totally. [laughs]
Uh, smooch.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Here I go.
[tense music]
* *
all: [gasps]
- Dude, why'd your moustache just fall off?
- Oh, I knew it, "Nate-dog."
- Why'd you just say my name in air quotes?
- He's a phony. A fake.
- Fake is a little harsh.
I'd describe myself as aspirationally pubescent.
- Sixth graders can't even grow moustaches.
- [groans]
- This is unbelievable.
What kind of sixth grade loser would fake having a 'stache?
- A big loser that's who, Spence.
Boom! Nailed it.
Yes! [laughs]
- Yeah, beat it, you two. - [groans]
- And use the back door, okay?
Because I don't want my neighbors knowing
I had little, baby sixth graders over here.
Yeah, I got a rep to maintain.
[doorbell rings] - The Doughboyz.
We got to move. - This is our biggest drop yet.
I've got excited mouth sweat.
- Huh, hello, gov'nor. Now!
- [groans] What in tarnation?
What is the meaning of this?
- You tell me, pal.
- Help! Somebody.
- Dad?
- I'm confused. Does this mean your dad
and my Uncle Pedro are in the Rackleff mob?
- No, Teddy, you were right.
Spencer is nuts.
Scoopsies, the lady with the TV,
the missile silo, it was all made up.
And now, those psychos have my dad and Pedro.
We got to save them before it's too late.
- [screams]
- How dare you bring your crime
into our peaceful municipal--ality.
Not on my watch.
- Let's end these two boneheads.
- Boneheads? No, we're just salesmen.
- Speaking of which,
can we interest you in some sourdough starter?
[chainsaw revs]
- Hey, why don't you guys pick on someone your own age.
- Well, look who it is.
- What are you gonna do to us, sixth graders?
Hit us with your blankies and pacifiers.
- Well, no because you know,
neither of those things would really hurt.
- She meant if they had spikes. Boom! Nailed it.
- Pacifiers with spikes?
- These guys are deeply disturbed.
- [growls]
both: [growls]
And it was kind of boring.
- Yeah! - Get them.
* *
- Huh.
- [laughs]
Teddy, you know what to do.
both: [screams]
- Brintch, attack. - Hi-yeah.
Boom? [groans]
Nailed it.
- Not bad for a couple of sixth graders.
- Did you just crack your eyes?
- You are one twisted individual.
- [screams]
My 'stache.
- Is that all you got, punks? [groans]
Huh? [growls]
Teddy, come out and play. Huh?
[groans]
[screams]
You waxed my 'stache. [growls]
[gasps] Oh, nuts.
- You might want to get a fresh diaper, pal.
- [farts] - Daddy?
- [screams]
- Easy, easy. both: [groans]
- Perfect. - Nate,
I just wanted to make you a sandwich.
[cries] - It's okay, Dad.
It's all over. Also, I'm gonna be honest.
I just throw your sandwiches out
when I get to school anyways.
- Spencer Amadeus Mozart Rinfroe.
What in the name of your father's stuffed walleye
do you think you're doing?
I have had it with you, young man.
What did I tell you about
taking the law into your own hands?
You're grounded and
I'm taking away your stuffies for a whole week.
- No! Not my stuffies.
Mommy, you can't do that.
[cries] - [growls]
- [groans]
- Oh, hey, guys. Recess hang later?
- Don't you want to hang with Spencer
and the cool seventh graders?
- Ah, no. That's over. - Yeah, bro,
the seventh graders are total sociopaths.
I'm not ready for that at all.
- Hmm, you don't say?
- Yeah, look, we were total jerks for bailing on you guys
to hang out with a bunch of raging lunatics.
- We're really sorry, guys,
although it was like 99.9% Nate's fault.
- It's okay. Thanks for the apology.
- So what do you say?
You guys want to play Time Disruptors after school?
- I'm in. all: [groans]
- What? You don't like my man 'stache?
[chitters] [screams]
[rock music]
* *