Keep the doorway open wide
Until we come slowly strollin' Side by side
Till I'm strollin' through that doorway With my bride
Can we have the bar mitzvah boy join us by the stage?
-Where the hell is he? -I don't know.
Marty. Marty, it's me. I know you're in here.
Please come out.
No. My tummy hurts.
Well, wrap up whatever you're doing, and let's go back in.
-You missed the hora. -I don't care.
There's too many people. They're all looking at me.
Have you seen the pile of presents?
You could start a fountain pen store if you just get through the next hour.
How about we light the candles, have a little cake,
do a dance with Grandma Flo, and get out of here?
I'll be with you the whole time. I promise.
Fantastic. Would you get over here? Come on.
All right. Everybody smile.
Joel, the bubble gum.
Did you have that before, or did you find it underneath the seat?
-Come on, Joel. -Hi, Mommy.
-Hi, Mom. -Hi, guys.
-How was the movie? -Really good.
The man dressed up as a woman and then another man kissed him.
-Excellent. -It was fun.
-It's a lot of fun, yeah. -Yeah.
How was your afternoon?
I drove into Midtown, I got a parking ticket,
I argued with the traffic cop for 20 minutes. It was heaven.
An uninterrupted conversation with an adult.
So that was fantastic.
Okay. Look, I gotta go.
Did they have lunch?
Sure did. Sno-Caps and jujubes.
-Marty. -I gotta run.
Wait. Your birthday. We need to make a plan.
-No. You know I don't like a fuss. -Well, it doesn't have to be a big to-do.
Come over early so the kids can be a part of it.
I'll broil some lamb chops.
The fire alarm will go off.
I promise I'll make sure that nobody enjoys themselves.
-Okay? -Sounds perfect. Okay, I'll be there.
Hey, where are you going anyway? Got a d-a-t-e?
-No. No, no, no. -No?
No. I'm going to see Dr. Herschkopf.
-Again? -Yeah.
Marty, that's… I'm so happy.
Is it working out?
-I think. I don't know. -Okay.
I mean, he wants me to talk about my feelings,
but my main feeling is I don't want to.
Marty.
Look at you.
Just keep talking about what worries you.
-Okay? -Yeah.
-I'm so proud of you. -All right.
-Thank you for today. -Bye. Okay.
-I should go. Bye. -I love you. I'm proud of you.
-Bye. -Bye, Uncle Marty.
Phyllis has always been the strong one.
But this past year, I mean…
She's really been through a lot.
Took my dad's death really hard, and then…
She's getting a divorce. I feel bad for her.
So do I.
But this is not her session.
It's yours.
Sorry. I'm still new at this.
I really love your shirt, by the way.
Is that Ralph Lauren?
Lifshitz. That's his real name.
Ralph Lifshitz.
No. I never knew that.
I know him a little.
Took a picture with him at a UJA event. He's a lovely guy. His stuff is timeless.
It really is.
But, Marty, you have very effectively changed the subject once again.
Now, come on.
Stick with it.
I'm curious, how did your father's death affect you?
Me?
I mean, I'm fine.
Fine?
You lost your dad, Marty.
You're well within your rights not to be fine about it.
Yeah.
I guess not so fine.
Do you know how empowering and liberating it can be
to allow yourself to feel a feeling and name the feeling?
I miss him.
Of course you do.
When I think about the fact that he's gone, it feels…
not good.
There's no shame in feeling pain, Marty.
Why do you miss him?
He was my dad.
And that meant you were the kid.
And it's nice to be a kid.
You don't have to be responsible.
-Make decisions. -Yeah.
But now it's time for you to be the man, and that's a scary thing.
Yeah.
That's because our fathers provide a template of what it means to be a man.
When we lose them,
we feel like we lose the paradigm of manhood along with them.
Yes. Yeah, that's exactly it. That's it.
Tell me more about that.
Well, yeah. I guess, now that he's gone,
I feel like, you know, everyone's looking at me to fill his spot.
But--
But you're afraid they still see you as a boy
because that's how you still see yourself.
I do believe you have just had what we headshrinkers call a breakthrough.
Jesus Christ.
And we're out of time.
I hate ending a session right when we're getting somewhere,
but the good doctor's got to eat.
You know…
I usually just go to the deli and grab something,
but if you wanna tag along and finish this,
that's okay.
-Really? -Yeah.
I-- Yeah, I'd have to charge you for the time.
-But, fine. -No, no, no, no, no.
That's fine.
I'm great with that as long as you don't mind.
-So you're almost 40. -Yeah.
-What are you gonna do for your birthday? -You sound like Phyllis.
Nothing. I don't like parties.
It's not my thing.
Well, you must have had a bar mitzvah?
Yeah, but I missed a lot of it.
I was on the toilet. I have digestive issues.
Sometimes my insides get tangled up on themselves
-like a phone cord. -I see.
I even missed the hora. It was a terrible day.
Doctor.
Try the chicken. It's the greatest.
It looks spicy. My stomach.
You're missing out, Marty.
But then again,
I suspect you miss out on a lot, don't you?
Do you think the goal in life is to avoid getting hurt?
The goal of life is to live.
Getting hurt is just the price of admission, my friend.
So, what do you want?
Okay.
Yes. I would like to have…
It would be my sincere wish for you to make me… Yes.
Yeah. Let's go with the turkey on white bread.
Dry, with a single piece of lettuce.
No. No, no, no. No, no, no. Let's go--
What about the roast beef? Maybe roast beef on a kaiser, maybe?
What do you think?
I think you should take some responsibility
and make a decision.
Pick a sandwich, okay?
Go. Just say whatever comes out.
Pick. What are you? Anything.
-Don't think. -Turkey!
That's it. There we go. Done.
Turkey sandwich, bland as hell.
It's very clear to me, Marty, as the only beloved son,
you've been babied. You haven't had to grow up.
It's held you back.
You're right. You're totally right.
But no longer. Grab the reins to your life.
Show your staff, and the world, who's boss.
Be the ruler of your own domain.
What you looking at?
I have this new client.
He reminded me of something today I haven't thought about in a long time.
-Look at this boy. -Oh, my gosh.
Is that your bar mitzvah? You were so cute.
Cute?
Look how miserable I look.
-That cheap suit. -Is that a clip-on tie?
Not all of us came from money.
I'm not saying that. I'd just forgotten they existed.
I wanted it to be this big thing, this big occasion.
It wasn't.
I didn't even get a party.
Where did you find these pictures?
I dug them out of the hall closet.
I don't think I've looked at them in, well, ever.
I think you look adorable.
Stop.
And I'm sorry your parents didn't make you feel special.
It's fine.
They couldn't afford it.
And, honestly, they wouldn't know how.
Well, I'd like to make you feel special.
Is that so?
It's very much so.
I think I have kimchi breath.
Yeah. Yeah.
Look at the new threads.
Oh, yeah. It's a Lifshitz.
-That's his name in real life. -Very sharp.
Can I have everyone gather around?
Now. Please?
It is my job to guide you, my coworkers,
towards successful outcomes with workplace objectives.
To that end,
these are ground rules I'm putting in place
that will help the entire team perform at optimum…
performance.
Work begins at 9:00 a.m. sharp.
Yeah. That's great.
No more congregating around the copier machine
to talk about what happened on Falcon Crest.
Lunch is 36 minutes. Sorry, 30 minutes.
My zero looks like a six. So I misread that.
-Sorry. Chaos at home. -Hey, Phyllis. Morning.
I didn't know there was a staff meeting.
Would it have made a difference?
Excuse me?
Shouldn't you be on time no matter what?
Well, if you must know,
Joel shampooed his hair with Nair this morning.
So my eight-year-old looks like Telly fucking Savalas.
So please don't bust my nuts over half an hour, thank you.
What's got into him? Jesus Christ.
Way to start a day.
-Jesus. -Waiting on Phyllis.
Just putting my bag down, thank you very much.
-Soon as she finds a seat. -A little compassion, Marty.
My son is bald.
Maybe you should keep your Nair in a childproof cabinet.
-Give me a break, Marty. -Waiting on you, Phyllis.
-Did you see Falcon Crest last night? -I--
-I'm gonna explode. -Phyllis!
-So moving-- -I--
I am gonna have to bust your nuts a little, okay?
I'm trying to lay down the ground rules.
Okay. Okay.
Please.
With the most important one being--
Excuse me.
The most important one being, at work, we…
We…
At work, we work.
Okay. So that means no personal conversations.
And no chitchatting on the phone.
Marty, Marty. Dr. Herschkopf is on the phone.
He is?
Okay. Well, you know. Technically that's a…
I think that's work-related. So…
He said it was a personal matter.
Well, you better ask him to call you back.
Right. Okay.
On this one occasion, as a point of personal privilege,
I'm exempted from all the aforementioned restrictions
because, technically speaking, these rules do not take effect
until this meeting is adjourned.
So, on that note, meeting adjourned.
No. Meeting paused.
Checkmate.
Leroy.
Never underestimate a pawn, man.
There he is. Hey!
-Hey, Leroy, you mind… Thanks. -I don't mind.
Have a seat.
Sure.
-Thanks for coming. -Yeah.
-I hope I didn't disturb your day. -No, no. It's fine.
Everything okay?
Everything's great.
I've been thinking about you, Marty.
You've been thinking about me?
Your birthday is coming up, and I have a very exciting idea for you.
You wanna step up, become a new man, right?
Turn a new chapter, yes?
I think that you should mark this important moment.
I think you should have a second bar mitzvah.
-A what? -A sequel.
A rematch.
Rocky got back in the ring.
You're getting back on the bimah.
-I don't know. -But think about it.
The first one still haunts you.
Part of you is still stuck in that bathroom
with your bowels churning.
This could be another chance.
Do it again. Perfect way to celebrate your 40th.
Interesting.
-You hate it. -No.
Think about it. This would be a true rite of passage.
A way to declare this new man, this new you.
I'm telling you, I love this idea.
I don't want to sound unappreciative,
but can I think about it?
Of course. Well, I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna force you.
It's up to you.
I got to go.
See you in session.
You have a great day, Marty.
And let me know what you decide.
-Hey. Thanks for letting me up. -I knew you'd come.
-Sorry? -It was so unlike you.
What are you talking about?
Well, I know you're here to apologize for today.
For what?
For being so rude to me in front of the whole office.
I'm sorry if you thought I was rude,
but I'm trying to step up.
I'm trying to be ruler of my own domain.
Your domain? Got it.
Yeah.
So, I guess this therapy is really working out, huh?
-It is. It really is. -Okay.
And Dr. Ike had this idea.
-Is that his name now? Dr. Ike? -Yeah.
At first, the idea sounded a little weird, but listen to this.
Dr. Ike thinks that for my 40th birthday…
I should have a bar mitzvah.
-You had a bar mitzvah. -Right.
A second one.
What was wrong with the first?
It was a terrible day, remember?
I mangled my haftarah,
and, I mean, I hid out in the bathroom.
But Mom and Dad were so proud of you.
They-- It meant so much to them.
I know. But…
Well…
Well, this doctor seems a little unconventional, huh?
Yeah, I guess.
But the thing is, he cares so much.
And everything he's said about me is right.
I mean, he really sees me.
He understands me, and the therapy works.
I know it's just words and they're just feelings and stuff,
but when you say them out loud, he's right, it's empowering.
It's liberating.
It's a relief.
You know?
And I'm feeling things and doing things that I-- I just never…
The thing is that his advice to me has been spot-on,
and if he thinks I should do this, then maybe I should do it.
Marty.
I'm so happy for you.
I really am.
But you don't--
You don't need to rush into anything.
Why not? This is exciting.
I'm ready for this. I really am. I--
Marty.
Is this about turning 40?
No.
There are other ways to have a midlife crisis.
You buy a Corvette, you know?
Honestly, fuck a prostitute. There's no judgment here.
I feel good, Phyllis.
Aren't you happy for me?
Of course I am.
I haven't felt this clearheaded in a long time.
I think it could be nice.
And we'll do it together, you know?
As a family.
We already did it as a family, though,
when you were 13.
This time will be different.
This time will be better.
Yeah, trust me, Miriam.
Say no to Florida. Do not go. Put your foot down.
Your mother will have to deal with it.
Okay. Thank you.
-Hi. -Hi.
Look who's early.
So, I thought about it, and I wanna do it.
That's great news.
I really think this could be good for me and, you know,
my sister doesn't agree, but--
but, you know, she'll come around.
And the only thing is, my birthday's in three weeks
and I don't think my temple can slot me in.
Not to worry. I already talked to mine.
-You did? -I did.
I had a feeling you were gonna come around on this.
I'm close with my rabbi,
and I helped him through a rough patch a couple of years ago.
He's happy to make it happen.
He already has one scheduled for that day, so we can double up.
Wow. I don't know what to say.
Well, say you'll practice your tuchus off and crush it.
I'll invite some friends. Help fill the place out.
Rabbi.
Phyllis, hi.
I was wondering if I could talk to you for a second.
Sure, come on in.
I was on my way to the sisterhood meeting,
and I just wanted to grab you for a second.
Good to see you.
I wanna bend your ear about this whole bar mitzvah thing.
I wanna know what you think.
Because, to me, it diminishes my parents and their memory.
What bar mitzvah thing?
Marty's bar mitzvah.
-Your brother, Marty? -Yes.
This crazy idea for his 40th birthday.
Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.
-You begin. -This is the first I've heard of it.
So tell me more.
Congregation.
All right, Marty. Go ahead, give it a try.
Sorry.
All right, we'll get there.
Very good.
Emily, your turn.
How's it going in here?
Very well. Marty's working hard.
Better be. Don't embarrass me, Marty.
I've got a lot of people coming.
I'll try not to.
I'm just putting the final arrangements on the big day.
Rabbi, I'm still waiting on the order of the aliyahs.
Do you think you could get that over to me?
-Absolutely. -All right.
I gotta check on the electricity in the ballroom.
I've got this incredible DJ who's gonna play at the party.
That's if you don't mind springing for it.
Whatever you need, Doc.
Great. All right. See you in a bit.
Wait, Isaac, I need a minute.
Kids, you're doing great. Keep going. Work together.
I got a call from Rabbi Goldberg of the Madison congregation,
-about you. -About me?
Actually, it was on behalf of a Phyllis Shapiro.
Do you know who that is?
-I don't. -I think that's Marty's sister.
What was she inquiring about?
You. Your reputation inside our building.
And if you've ever done a bar mitzvah for a patient before.
I didn't know Marty was a patient.
Just thought he was a friend.
Yeah, Marty's a-- Marty's a patient of mine.
And what we're doing for him, what you are doing for him,
is a "therapeutic-mitzvah."
This man has been held back his entire life by his 13th birthday.
How many people do you have coming?
A lot. Like…
Do you have an exact number?
Around a hundred, I think.
Wow.
You?
Yeah. I think-- I mean-- We'll see.
-People have busy schedules and stuff. -Yeah.
…he's with me.
God loves him.
He tell you that himself?
All right. Let's go with…
Marty.
-Hey. -A minute?
Of course. What's up?
Have a seat.
All right.
Your sister is Phyllis, right? Phyllis Shapiro?
Yes. Why?
What kind of person is she, Marty?
I know you've mentioned her hitting a rough patch as of late,
but does she have some kind of agenda?
I don't understand.
Does she have a history of mental illness?
Has she ever been treated for any chemical imbalance?
-Anything like that? -No.
I'm just trying to get a sense of who she is while I register my alarm.
See, my psychiatrist radar is going off.
Why? What do you mean?
Well, apparently she's been asking around about me.
Called the temple to check my reputation, see if I was trustworthy.
-What? -Me, Dr. Isaac Herschkopf,
board of NYU medical school.
Oh, my God. Dr. Herschkopf, I don't know what to say.
As a physician, we all swear an oath to first do no harm.
It's an oath that I took, and take, very seriously.
So when someone questions my good character, it hurts.
-It really hurts. -I'm sorry. I'm so sorry--
My reputation is all I have. I've worked very hard for it.
-Ask anyone. It's unassailable. -No, I know.
You're the very best there is.
I'm worried, Marty.
I'm worried this sister doesn't want what's best for you.
But she's the one that suggested I try therapy in the first place.
I know that, but does she really wanna see you grow and change,
or would she rather keep you frozen in time?
People like this are not ready to do the work themselves.
So when they see you grow, it's very threatening to them.
-But I think she wants what's best for me. -Then why is she trying to sabotage it?
Marty, trust is at the very core of who I am and what I do.
It has to be.
Without trust, I am nothing. Without trust, we have nothing.
I do trust you. I trust you completely.
I'll talk to her. I will. I'll talk to her.
I promise.
Give me a break, Daniel.
No, don't talk to me about your upper west--
I need to talk to you.
-What are you doing? -Now.
If this is one of your "at work, we work" lectures,
I can't hear y--
-I can't handle that now. -You called his rabbi?
-What? -Dr. Ike.
You called his rabbi.
What are you doing snooping around about him?
Is that what you're upset about?
I-- Marty, I'm not snooping. I'm looking out for you.
You embarrassed me, Phyllis. He's very upset.
Well, I don't care about him, Marty. I care about you.
Do you? Really?
I'm your sister. That's my literal job.
Marty, take a step back for a second.
What-- "Run to the light, Carol Anne."
You sound deranged.
You really don't think that this is a weird suggestion
for a therapist to make?
He's trying to help me.
But it crosses a line.
Says who? You?
I tell you what I think.
I think that you see that I'm changing and that you're threatened by it.
You think that? Or does he?
You told me to do this, Phyllis!
I told you to talk to somebody, not redo your 13th birthday.
Well, I'm doing it. Okay?
Okay.
Whatever, Marty. Fine.
And if you can't be supportive, don't come.
So now you're actually 13.
If you don't believe in it, I don't want you there.
-Do you want me to lie to you? -No.
I don't believe in it. I think it's ridiculous.
-Ridiculous? -I do.
-Good. Okay. -Fine.
So don't come, okay?
Even if you change your mind. Don't come.
Marty.
Fine!
What a special day.
Welcome to our b'nai mitzvah.
And to all their family and friends who, today, will witness
Emily begin her life as a fully participating Jewish adult.
And Marty.
Marty, who shall continue to do just that.
The first aliyah.
Bravo!
Yeah.
Mazel.
Mazel tov, mazel tov.
-Mazel tov. Let's party. -Yeah.
-Yes.
Yeah! All right!
Anything to say to the bar mitzvah boy?
Well, I am the bar mitzvah boy,
-but if I did have something I'd wanna-- -Sorry, I--
Hey, mazel tov.
Phyllis.
Excuse me, Marty?
I'm Bonnie. Ike's wife.
Bonnie! Oh, my gosh. Hi.
-Hi. -Hello.
Well, I saw you standing alone, and I'm not great at these things either.
It is such a pleasure to meet you.
Your husband. What a great guy.
He's a great guy, yes.
Not necessarily a great dancer.
I haven't seen him have this much fun since our wedding.
He's really enjoying himself. He sure has a lot of friends.
Yeah, he does.
It's time!
Hava nagila, hava nagila
Hava nagila ve-nis'mecha
Hava nagila, hava nagila
Get out there, Marty!
Marty?
Hava neranena, hava neranena
Marty. Marty, what's going on?
I gotta use the bathroom.
-We're all out there waiting for you. -No, I know.
I just gotta…
My tummy hurts.
Marty.
This is it, Mar-- The hard part's over.
-Now it's time to enjoy yourself. -I know. Just…
Marty. I'm not even sure those issues are real.
No, it's real. Yeah. It's a real bad flare-up.
I have known you several weeks now,
and I have seen nothing to suggest you have digestive problems.
Let me free you of a lie that everyone, including your sister, including you,
has been perpetuating for 30 years.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Little boys have digestive issues.
Real men take shits.
Now, come on.
It's time.
Well…
I'll speak for your uncle
when I say that he's sorry he couldn't be here tonight.
Very, very sorry.
But that's what family is, huh?
It's a collection of people that you owe an apology to.
Sometimes the people that we love do things that we don't agree with.
Sometimes they act like fucking douchebags.
Pardon my French.
Now let's eat.
One, two, three.