♪♪
♪ I don't have plans and schemes ♪
♪ And I don't have hopes and dreams ♪
♪ I don't have anything ♪
♪ Since I don't ♪
♪ Have you ♪
-Fuck.
-WOMAN: I cannot believe you did it again.
-(snoring) -Mam.
-Oh, you're so boring.
How many times you gonna do this with her?
It's like "Return of the Living Dead."
(groaning)
-Her grandma died yesterday.
-Oh. Pity shag.
-Mm-mm. We're invited to the wake.
-Oh, yeah. Wakey-wakey.
-Shove it up your jack, Mary.
(groans)
(sighs)
Oh...
-Your grandma had a long life, Aine.
-I can't believe I rode you again.
-Oh.
-Last night was a mistake.
-Absolutely. Why?
-For the last couple of weeks, Frank,
I've been-- I've been seeing someone.
A doctor.
-Oh, my God.
Is it serious?
-It might be.
-Do I need to get tested?
-No, Frank. I've been seeing him.
We've been seeing each other.
-So, it is serious.
Do I need to get tested or not?
-I have to go.
-That was the last time. -Absolutely.
Hey. Do you want to get brunch?
♪♪
FRANK: "Thank God for the rain.
"It washes the crap off the sidewalk.
"Someday, a big rain will wash away
all this scum on the street.
"Loneliness follows me wherever I go.
"I am...
God's lonely man."
♪♪
Robert DeNiro. "Taxi Driver."
-Very good.
-It's a great movie. Have you seen it?
-Nope. Don't really want to.
-"You never had no pussy like that.
"You could do whatever you like with her, you could--"
(sirens wailing)
"She'll get your cock so hard she'll make it explode."
(indistinct dialog on radio)
-I was doin' Harvey Keitel. -Oh.
-FRANK: Doofus!
-(honks horn) -Hey!
-Doofus! -Get back, will ya?
-Doofus. Doofus.
(horn honks)
-Frank? -The wake, Doofus, the wake.
-(horn honks) -I can't, Frank.
-I'll be fired. -(horn honks)
-I have to be back before lunch.
Frank.
What's the plan, Frank?
-You hawk these by the buffet.
I'll press the flesh, check out the corpse.
-Get your Duke Governs EP, two for a fiver.
-Christ, Doofus. -St. Francis of Assisi
come to preach the simple life.
-Mam, what are you doin' here? You said you couldn't give me a lift.
-Free booze. Bit of craic.
-It's lovely to see ya, Frank. It means so much to Aine.
-Myself and Aine are just friends now, Padraig,
I've been very clear. The last thing I want to do is
get back with that nightmare you call a daughter.
Now, where's the corpse?
-Me mam? -Your mam. Yeah.
-DOOFUS: They've got trifle, Frank.
-Sandra's not your mam anymore.
You know, from this day forward,
she's-- she's just a dead old lady.
Well, I hope that helps.
-Not really. -Oh...
-I wanted to ask you something, Frank.
Would you do us the very great honor
of playing a song at her funeral?
-What? -Holy shit. A gig?
-No, not a gig, no. No, I was thinkin' more like
one song, you know, at the funeral.
-He'll fuck it up, Padraig.
-Doofus, he wants me to play a gig.
-A gig? Holy shitballs. Woo!
Give me high five, buddy.
-You know what? That sounds great.
Let-- Let me think about it, Padraig, okay?
It's just-- It's been a while since I've actually, um--
-Mm-hm. -Can I get back to you?
It's just-- Yeah. Where's Aine?
-She's inside with her new boyfriend.
-Her new what?
Why didn't someone tell me? Have they--
Have they done it yet? -I hope not.
He does MMA.
-Duke Governs, back in the game!
♪♪
-Frank. -What's this? Who's this?
Oh, my God, that's so weird.
-Peter-Brian. Thanks for coming.
-Oh, Peter-Brian. Thanks for coming.
Sorry, it's just I've never seen a stiff before.
She looks terrible. Is she stuffed?
-She's not stuffed, Frank.
-She looks so realistic.
What's goin' on here? How did this happen?
-Doctor said it was organ failure.
-Not this. This.
-Oh. Well, it's, uh--
It's kind of a mad story, actually.
-(mocking) Mad story, actually.
-I was walking down Thomas Street a few weeks ago,
and all of a sudden, I see this vision.
And she's being hassled by some awful thugs, so I, um--
Well, look, I-- I stepped in.
-Don't be so modest, Peter-Brian.
-He does MMA. -Oh, I heard.
And I know your type. Underground ravings.
All night sex parties. Drinkin' way too much water.
Shittin' yourself.
-Are you thinking of MDMA?
-No. -MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts.
-I know what it stands for. Well, I'm a musician.
-I'm sure Aine told you. -Well, she said you--
You hadn't played in quite a while.
-I'm actually playing the funeral tomorrow.
-What? Frank, no. -What's your jam, man?
-Don't bond with him. -I'm a singer-songwriter.
I go under the moniker
Duke Governs and the Legislators.
The last few years, I've been working on
a 32-track double album about Ireland
in which each song is named after a single county.
I've only got the title so far, but I just came up with
"Blood Is Thicker Than Waterford," so you're welcome.
What do you do when you're not preying on vagrants,
and gettin' off your tits?
-I'm a doctor.
-So am I.
-You're not a doctor, Frank. -I'm gonna do MDMA.
-MMA. -And you definitely don't do MMA.
-I do. Yeah. (grunts)
-Are you a doctor, dude? -No.
(grunting)
-That's Frank.
♪♪
-Did you know that taking Ecstasy--
also known as dabbing or bombing--
-is considered a gateway drug-- -He doesn't do Ecstasy.
-It stands for Mixed Martial Arts. -Mixed Martial Arts.
I know.
You're rushing things, Aine. We only broke off--
-Six years ago. -Six years ago,
and all of a sudden you're out gallivanting with a yoked up party boy.
-It doesn't mean Ecstasy. -I know.
What was all that last night?
-I was upset about my grandma.
-Bullshit.
-Frank, you don't want me.
You just want me to be unhappy without you.
-Exactly. So the thing you have going with Barry-Peter--
-Peter-Brian. -It's 100 percent unacceptable.
-You broke up with me because--
because I wouldn't do anal.
-A relationship should be give and take.
Give and take.
-Are you guys goin' out again?
-We'll see, Doofus, we'll see. -No, Frank, it's over.
-If you want Billy-Barry in there,
any funny stuff off my gig tomorrow,
I'll knock his bloody block off.
-I'd like to see you try.
-(sighs) -I need to learn MMA before the funeral.
-Book it now. -No, I'm due back at work, Frank, they'll sack me.
-MMA, now. -Shouldn't you rehearse instead?
-MMA. Now, now, now! -Okay.
-You ever seen the film "Taxi Driver"?
-No. -Amazing movie.
In a world gone bananas,
one sane man stands up for what's right.
"Do you know what he called you?
He called you a little piece of chicken."
-Don't really know the film so--
-"You never had no pussy like that!
-"You can do-- -(sirens wailing)
"Man, she'll get your cock so hard, she'll make it explode."
-I was doin' Harvey Keitel. -He was doin' Harvey Keitel.
-What time is it?
Might have a quick cry.
(Frank sobbing)
-Five more minutes, Frank.
-Okay. (sobbing)
♪♪
-This is the last time I take time off work, Frank.
They, uh-- They said if I miss one more day,
I'm out on my ear.
-Holy shit. -(hissing)
-Look at her. -(hissing, grunting)
♪♪
-I love her, Frank.
I love her.
-Frank, is it?
-Yes, miss. -Nicola.
I'll be your trainer today.
Right.
Let's start in the cage, boys.
Lock it.
So, lads, what are you lookin' to get out of this?
-To defend myself against bullies.
-To defend myself against doctors. -Okay.
-Can you teach me how to do a fish hook, Nicola?
-It's for a funeral. -Yeah, fish hooks are banned.
It said on your form you've done a bit of sparring, Doofus.
-Uh, yeah, well, I, um-- I used to work, uh,
part time in a Spar, so it was only light sparring.
I'm a wee bit rusty is the thing, Nicola.
-Wah-wah. I'm a wee bit rusty, Nicola.
Oil me up. Cover me in oil.
(grunts) Fuckin' hell!
-That hurt? -No.
Nicola. Yeah, that's a-- that's a nice name.
-Are you busy tomorrow or-- -Hey, don't-- (grunts)
Oh, wow. Oh, man, that hurts.
-Straight left to the chest. Watch out for that Doofus, yeah?
-Thank you. -Oh, yeah!
Champion of everything. (grunts)
Fuckin' hell! -It's a liver shot, it's deadly.
-(grunts)
-Is that a boner?
-Yeah. I don't know, that's--
that's a strange one.
-(grunts) -(groans)
-DOOFUS: I'm sorry. You're so pretty.
-You little-- -Nice to meet ya, Nicola.
(grunting)
(screaming)
-Nicola. -(groans) Help me, Frank.
-Would you like to go for a drink with me tonight?
-(groans) Frank, you have to rehearse.
-Yeah, why not. (grunts)
-(farting)
-FRANK: If the date goes well tonight,
I might ask her to the funeral.
She's the perfect combo of protection and arm candy.
-But I bagsied her.
-You kicked her in the gee, Doofus.
-I was jealous.
-See you in the mornin'.
-Oh, no, I can't go, Frank, my work.
-(door closes)
-(sighs)
♪♪
-(thudding)
-Hey.
-What's goin' on? -Nothing.
Frank.
-(scoffs)
-H-- How are you, Frank?
-Padraig.
-What are you doin' here? -Grieving.
-He just looked so sad.
-She's a wonderful woman, your mother.
She took me in. She loved me.
-Oh, God.
-She made me feel again.
-Yeah. Oh, Mam. I've decided.
I'm playin' the funeral. -You'll do it?
Oh, Frank. That's great news.
What a family.
-Why don't you boys take it outside
and discuss the details?
Give Mary some alone time.
-Yeah. Let's get you into some pants.
-The last thing we want at a comeback concert--
-My mam's not coming back.
-Is for me to get up there and sing something boring.
You know? Like, I just came up with a title,
"The Witches of East Wicklow,"
which I really think is a quite good idea.
-Have you written it or have you just come up with a title?
-Just come up with a title.
-The funeral is tomorrow, we don't have time.
You need to rehearse. -What did you have in mind?
-Well, Mam always loved "The Lord Is My Shepherd."
-Jesus, Padraig. Buzz kill.
Let me play something that people can sing along to.
I Googled some heartbreaking ballads,
which are actually popular with our target audience of elderly mourners.
So how about, "My Heart Will Go On"?
-Well, Mam died from the-- the heart trouble,
I never knew-- -Okay, fair enough.
"How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You"?
-She was diabetic. -Right.
-"You'll Never Walk Alone"? -Two things.
-It was by Jerry and the Pacemakers. -Oh, God.
-And she lost her left foot to diabetes,
so the whole idea of walking alone--
-"Unforgettable"? -Towards the end, Frank, you know, her memory wasn't--
-You need to work with me on this, Padraig.
What about,
♪ There was an old man called Michael Finnegan... ♪
Same second name.
♪ She grew whiskers on her chin again ♪
Fuck it!
"The Lord Is My Shepherd" it is.
You happy now? -Yes. Thanks.
Listen, is Mary coming tomorrow?
There's something special about that woman.
-Yeah. I better go.
-Okay, go. And practice the song.
-Yeah. Yeah, practice the song.
♪♪
-Sorry I'm late. I had to stop for a cry.
-Yeah. No worries. I drank your pint.
Next to me, little man.
-Yeah, just--
Listen, I can't stay long, I've got a gig in the morning.
-A gig. Really?
-Yeah, I have to rehearse the song, too.
Let's just take it easy. Just gonna have one pint,
and then head home.
-Hey.
Do you want some MDMA?
♪ The Lord is my shepherd, I'll not want ♪
♪ He makes me down to lie ♪
♪ In pastures green he leadeth me ♪
♪ The quiet waters by ♪
♪♪
(woman screaming)
♪♪
(screaming)
♪ Within the paths of righteousness ♪
♪ For his own namesake ♪
-Jesus Christ, no! (indistinct shouting)
♪♪
-I really need to learn that song.
-Fuck that. Red or white?
-What? -Never mind.
Rosé.
♪♪
-Who's this, Frank?
-My MDMA instructor.
-And what's she doing here?
-Teaching me the basics of unarmed combat.
-Right. -Ahh!
-You know, I dated a fella once
who was into erotic asphyxiation.
Didn't work out in the end.
He needed room to breathe.
-He couldn't breathe. -I get it.
-I was chokin' him when I was-- -I get it, Mam.
-I don't think you should play the funeral, pet.
-Last time you-- -It's my destiny.
I am destiny's child.
-We talked about this, Frank. The cycle.
Never moving on. Still living at home.
-You think I want to stay in this hell hole?
I'm looking after you.
I'm the dutiful son personified.
-You really believe that?
All right, Frank.
Well, it's your funeral.
-Uh...
♪♪
-Wha-- What kind of gig is this?
-Huh?
-Is this a funeral? -Yeah. Problem?
-Sellin' the EPs, Doofus. -No.
-Oh, for fuck's sake.
-I-- I got fired from work, Frank.
-Frank, you're late. Who's this?
Where's Mary? Are you on drugs?
-Padraig, I've a lot on my plate right now, okay?
What's the story with sound check?
-Sound check?
The funeral's started.
Jesus' sake. Amateur hour.
-Hi. You look nice.
-PRIEST: So we thank you for joining us today
to celebrate the life of Sandra Finnegan.
-(whispering) May peace be with you.
-PRIEST: ...we have a special friend...
-May peace be with you. Yeah. -PRIEST: Frank Marron,
also known as Duke Governs,
-who is going to sing Sandra's favorite song-- -May peace be with you.
-"The Lord Is My Shepherd." -FRANK: May peace be with you.
-(organ plays) -I'm not singing that horseshit.
I'm doing "Every Breath You Take."
-No, no, no. She had emphysema.
-She had everything under the fuckin' sun, Padraig.
Fine.
I'll freestyle this motherfucker.
♪♪
(organ plays dissonant chords)
-Well, that's the second worst case of organ failure this week.
(laughs)
Here's a little ditty for God's sickest woman.
-Woo!
(Frank clears his throat)
♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪
-♪ She grew whiskers on her chin again ♪
♪ The wind came out and blew them in again ♪
-(strums guitar) -Nope.
♪ Poor old Sandra Finnegan, begin again ♪
Everybody!
♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪
-For God's sake.
-What? What? -You're ruining this.
-Shut up, Aine.
Sandra hated you anyway.
-Frank. It is not an appropriate song.
-What are you talkin' about? She had a beard.
-You need to stop, dude. -Oh!
What are you gonna do about it, tough guy?
I've got protection with me this time.
Everybody, meet Nicola.
She's my new girlfriend- slash-bodyguard.
She's built like a brick shithouse,
and she's got a black belt in lovemaking, doggie style.
Nicki, sic 'em!
-Nope. -This is all totally out of order, Frank.
-Don't talk to me about out of order, Padraig,
you were halfway up my mam yesterday.
-(gasping)
-Now, I really want to
hear you on this next verse. Okay?
♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪
-Fish hook, you bastard. -(grunts)
-Hey, hey, they're banned!
-(gagging) -Oh, no, he's gettin' a boner.
-FRANK: Help, Doofus, please. (gagging)
-I'm sorry, you're so beautiful.
Fuckin'-- Oh, no, you're not!
-(screaming) -(groaning)
(screaming)
-Why does he have a boner?
(screaming)
-I'll tell him to move on, okay? -Okay.
-Get your Duke Governs EPs!
Two for a fiver!
-Hey. Look.
I'm sorry.
-I want you to go. Okay?
-Okay.
-Ah! I'm with PB now, all right?
And he treats me well.
He's a doctor.
He doesn't even ask about anal.
Unless he's had a beer, and even then...
he doesn't push it.
-Tell him you have to push it.
Otherwise, it doesn't go in.
(grunts)
(car horn honks)
-(sighs) Thanks for the lift.
My taxi account's been suspended.
-How'd it go?
-Yeah, okay, I think.
Mam, why does everything turn out shit for me?
Is it because I'm...
God's lonely man?
-It's because you're a prick, Frank.
-Oh.
-You have to learn to think of other people's feelings.
-Oh, okay.
-Mary. -Fuck.
Don't move.
-Mary. My mother always told me I need to be braver in love.
Now that she's gone, I realize she was right.
So here goes.
Mary Marron.
Would you like to meet me for a drink sometime?
-You gonna answer him?
-I don't think so.
(car starts)
No.
-Mary. Mary!
Mary!
-FRANK: Hey. You ever seen the film "Taxi Driver"?
-MARY: Course I have. Great movie.
-BOTH: "You never had no pussy like that."
♪♪