Excuse me.
Do you happen to know if there's any butter fat in these cookies?
I'm looking for cookies without any butter fat.
Hello. Excuse me?
Do you mean cookies that taste like shit?
No, I mean something made with corn or canola oil.
You know, heart-healthy.
Imaginary cookies.
Typical Sheila. She wants to have it all.
- Cookies with no fat? - A fantasy.
A childish, selfish fantasy.
Well, she never did have any self-control.
Or breasts.
Is it a crime to not wanna get heart disease?
...she was naked, she looked like a ten-year-old boy?
What's wrong with all of you?
I mean, nothing.
Take off your shirt.
Yeah, take if off.
No, I am not taking off my shirt.
Take it off.
I'm not taking my shirt off.
Take it off.
- I'm not taking off my shirt. - Take it off.
No! Stop it!
- Take it off. Take it off. - No!
- Take it off. Take it off. Take it off. - No! Stop! No!
Hey, you all right?
Yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
I just was having a dream.
What about?
Nothing much.
Nothing big.
Hey, I'm proud of you, what you did on TV, telling everybody your truth like that.
Thank you.
I feel good.
It feels good, having done that.
'Cause it inspired me to ask you something too.
Okay.
Well, you know, you keep talking about this roommate of yours,
you know, three-and-a-half feet tall, goes by Maya.
I'd love to meet her.
Right.
- Is it right? - Yes!
Yes, definitely. It's just Danny.
Well, I'm less interested in meeting him.
I have to figure out how to approach it with him...
first.
He's finally, you know, keeping his distance from me,
and I just don't wanna rock the boat.
Makes sense.
But...
Well, I--
Are you nervous about telling Danny that I wanna meet Maya,
or telling him about me?
Hey, what do you wanna have for dinner?
Have you ever had fish caught on the same day?
'Cause there are these line fishermen down by the pier that--
I mean, it will change you.
You know what, don't even think about it. Don't even worry about it.
Just wait until tonight. Okay?
We don't have to do this here.
Start with the small stuff and work your way up.
Maria begins her mornings at the park,
where she nominally offers Grace a snack of sliced apples and bananas
before eating it all herself.
This is Maria at the club.
She spent 45 minutes arguing with the desk girl about the pool temperature.
Afterward, she bought the entire staff lunch as an apology for her behavior.
This happened just last week twice.
Here she's attempting to pet a harbor seal before she's reprimanded by a bike cop--
Okay, enough. Just get to the meat of it.
It just goes on like this, Mr. Breem.
I can stay on her. I don't mind the billables.
But it occurs to me that you could... ask her what she's been up to.
Just leave your expenses with my girl in the trailer.
Thank you.
So, I'm 40 years old.
Give or take.
And in that time, I've spent roughly one billion hours
looking in the mirror, hmm?
And mostly hating what I saw.
Clap back. Knees. Shoulder roll. Shoulder roll.
But the truth is, I didn't even see myself.
All that time spent looking in the mirror and not even seeing what was there.
So, I've decided to try something new.
I'm gonna shake it up a little.
Starting now, the new rule at Body by Sheila:
no more mirrors!
- Are you with me? - Yeah!
Okay! Jump with me. Four, five, six, seven, eight.
- You are how you feel, right? - Yeah!
- And we're here to feel strong. - Yeah!
We wanna add things to our bodies, not take things away.
Who's ready for the revolution?
What about bees?
Sick a bunch of bees on her?
Yeah, basically. Yeah.
Well. I like that a whole lot.
But they're tricky to transport.
There's that and a host of other reasons as well
not to "sick a bunch of bees on her."
She called me a liar.
This one keeps staring at me.
What the hell kind of show is this?
What do you mean it's staring at you? It's a puppet.
Yeah, well, I think this whole gig is a bad idea.
We should split. Come on, darling.
Wait, no, we cannot split. We signed a contract.
I don't remember signing anything.
Okay, folks, if you would just listen to me.
Jesus H. God Almighty.
I talked to Hartman, okay?
They're not pulling the cookie ads.
They're just pausing them until all this Sheila fuss dies down.
And she used television. Hitting me where I live. In my home.
I think we should revisit the bees. Or hornets. They sting multiple times.
No. Absolutely not. Enough with the fucking bees.
Sorry, just--
Okay, if you guys will allow me to please explain
that Alphabet Alley isn't just any kid's show, okay?
It's Sheila's daughter's favorite show.
So, while we're waiting for the fuss to die down, we are also...
Hitting her where she actually lives, in her home.
Exactly. As my Uncle Patty would say, "Sending a message."
You might just be a sick fuck.
Yeah, he likes you.
Oh, my gosh. Thank you for joining me.
- And remember, no more mirrors, okay? - No more mirrors!
Thank you! Sign the mailing list! Yes.
- I put him in your office, the reporter. - Thank you.
Just remember, keep your guard up.
Don't let him trick you into revealing more than you want to.
He's just a reporter, Fidelia. He's not the devil. Or even a lawyer.
Well, he is handsome.
But so is the devil.
Your secretary let me right in. No questions asked.
- She should be more careful. - She thought you were somebody else.
And who am I to you anymore?
If she were to ask, and I were to answer honestly,
I wouldn't know what to say.
I didn't call you again, did I?
No. I came here on my own steam this time.
I tried your advice with Maria, taking her to a mental professional.
It was not successful.
Taking her? Against her will?
No, I asked. And she refused,
which was a new and unpleasant experience for me.
You're not accustomed to people refusing you.
That's not entirely the case. You, for example.
Well, that's not what happened.
So, you've been visiting someone yourself? A mental professional?
Not currently, but I have.
And it helped?
Show me how.
Do I sit?
Should I lay down?
Laying down is more relaxing.
How are you feeling today?
- I see. I don't think this is-- - No. Just--
How do you feel today? How do you feel?
All right.
I'm... feeling...
confused.
Upset.
Unsure. Frustrated.
- Is that a feeling? - If you say so.
Are there rules to this, or no?
There are rules, but it's mostly a space to talk.
And it won't go anywhere else.
It's like prayer.
But with a professional who you can trust.
How do you know you can trust them?
You don't. You just decide to.
So it's faith.
I can't trust Maria anymore.
I had her followed rather than confronting. Asking.
And I don't know why.
What are you scared of?
I'm not scared of anyone.
But--
But...
What are you scared of?
Of being seen... for who I really am.
So, naturally, you put yourself on television.
That's only part of myself.
You should have seen the way people were acting after her class.
I mean, people always get excited before it and, like, during it,
but after her whole on-air confession thing,
they were actually lining up to, like, touch her like she was Jesus or something.
I mean, they were hugging her and crying
and telling her how much she meant to them.
So, you know, totally makes sense now she's gonna write a book.
A book? She's writing a book?
Yeah.
I mean, I guess anyone can self-publish these days.
So, great. Good for her.
No, she got offered an advance by some publisher.
A West Coast publisher?
New York.
She goes--
She goes on TV, and she talks about her problems,
and now she gets to write a book?
Apparently.
Hey...
are you done down there?
'Cause I wasn't.
Okay.
I wanna write a book.
Voilà.
This looks lovely.
Sea bass, roasted fingerling potatoes, and stay with me here...
brussels sprouts.
I know. Everybody thinks they hate them.
But that's because they've had them boiled to death.
You know, they haven't been given the proper respect.
- Well, I don't know about you... - This vegetable...
...but I'm just as horny as a goat right now.
He keep talking about brussels sprouts like that,
I just might slide right off my chair.
I'm so sorry. I'm talking too much!
I get that way about food.
- I'm sorry. Get that way about food. - Oh, no, it's very sweet.
You're so passionate about vegetables.
And I--
Please, continue.
All right, well, the secret is to blanch
just enough,
'cause, you know, then it opens it up.
It's like a window...
A window? Into what? Boring?
This isn't what you like or want.
You wanna be back in that room with Mr. Mormon, being bad.
Not here with Mr. Tomato Head talking about Crock-Pots or whatever.
Okay. That's enough.
Yeah.
No, I-- Sorry. With the explanation.
- Oh, yeah. Well-- Yes. - Let's just try it. Okay.
- Delicious. - Great.
- Delicious, thank you. - There's-- Good--
There's salt in case you need.
I don't oversalt.
Nobody cares about salt.
- Mine is perfect, actually. - Yeah.
Hey, by the way, I just have to tell you,
I feel bad about before when I was pushing you about Maya.
You don't need that on top of everything.
Can this guy just ask for anything without backpedaling a mile?
It's okay to ask me about Maya.
You deserve so much better. Much, much, much better.
And I am going to talk to Danny when I get a chance.
- You sure? - She just said so!
- Be a man, not a fishy little puss! - Oh, my God, stop! Please.
Okay--
I'm sorry.
- It's just been one of those days... - There's no need to explain, really.
- ...and I want to enjoy... - Yeah.
- Yeah, I think if we just-- - ...this. Now.
Let's just have it.
The fish just--
- Maybe I will have some salt, actually. - Well, the thing--
Long day at the office?
Yeah, it was the longest.
You've definitely been working overtime on something.
Okay. Jesus Christ, Deb.
Relax, okay? You have someone. I'm happy for you.
I just-- I wish I could meet this woman and her two kids.
I mean, she sounds so impressive--
It's Fidelia, okay? Sheila's assistant.
- No! - There. Okay? Jesus Christ.
And before you say anything-- Before you say a goddamn word,
just know that, yes, she's in her early 20s, but she's precocious
- and she's intuitive. - Sheila's gonna detonate.
Since when do you give a shit what Sheila thinks?
You used to call her a chameleonic waif.
Yeah, that was ten years ago. Now I'm a little afraid of her.
You should be too.
Watching her on TV, she's, like, really something these days.
- Yeah, I know she is. - Oh, my God.
You're still in love with her, aren't you, dipshit?
You wanna get her back so bad, you're trying to get as close as you can.
I'm gonna give my daughter a hug.
- Okay, wonderful. - 'Cause it's been a hell of a day.
Hey, Danny? Shower first.
I thought you'd be working tonight.
I could be, but I'm not.
I saw your associate at the grocery store today.
She thought she was being discreet.
But I grew up in Juárez. I know when I'm being followed.
Are you gonna tell me what it is you suspect that I'm doing?
I feel like...
I don't know you anymore. Like...
And having your goon trail me through the produce section,
how does that help?
It doesn't.
It's not that I didn't trust you.
I'm just running out of ways to hold this together.
Well, you shouldn't.
Trust me.
When you and I were planning for another child--
Trying for another child,
I went to see a special doctor outside of our community,
a university doctor.
He told me that my egg supply was sufficient.
More than sufficient.
Which meant the difficulties we were having were yours.
They proposed a solution I knew you'd never approve.
I never thought I would either.
But soon enough, I was in that chair,
letting them insert someone else's sperm inside of me.
And that is how we became blessed with Grace.
Our daughter.
And that is how I did what I had to do to,
as you say, "hold this together."
Well, I'll let you get out of your work clothes,
and I'll reheat your pot roast.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Wanna come in? - Yeah, sure.
- Great. How's work going? - So I wanted to ask you a--
Sorry. Go ahead.
I've been seeing someone.
Okay.
His name's Carlos, and he-- We
think it might be time that he could meet Maya.
Right, yeah.
Well, you know, cool. Great.
That's the natural, you know, process of these kind of things.
You know, it'd be weird if you were seeing someone and he didn't meet Maya.
That'd be like you were living two separate lives.
- And that does not sound like you at all. - Easy, Danny.
This was the agreement that we had...
- Yeah, I'm also seeing someone as well. - ...if either of--
- Uh-huh? - Yeah, and she's great.
We're taking it really slow,
but I'm starting to get the temptation to rev it up a little bit.
And how did you meet her?
Work.
- And has Maya met this person, or-- - It's hard to say.
- What? What do you mean? What-- - Mommy! Like my outfit?
Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
- What is happening? - She's not getting this from me.
- She's getting this from television. - Yeah.
Well, we only do children's programming and in moderation, right?
- Yes. - Yeah, that's all she's getting.
- Hi, Sheila. - Hi, Deb.
And by the way, you're welcome for watching both your children.
- 'kay. - Have you told her?
Yeah.
This whole situation, you know, it's basically your friend's fault.
You know, Kelly Kilmartin?
Yeah, I wouldn't call her my friend.
Well, she's guest-hosting on Alphabet Alley all week.
With that picture, I look like a near-sighted country singer.
Your girl, on the other hand, she's having fun.
Boobs are fun.
Hey, Maya, we're gonna get going, okay?
Hey, Maya, can Daddy have the tennis balls back, please?
- No! - Let her have 'em, Banany.
- We're all done here, thank you very much. - No!
- Thank you. Can I take that? - No!
Yes, I'm just not feeling well.
Thank you for understanding.
Yeah. Okay. Good night. Night.
Another day, another lie you tell to a man.
I'm not lying to him.
Well, you don't feel sick.
You feel guilty about how good it felt to see Mr. Mormon again.
I really wish that I had killed you the first time.
- I really tried. - You don't mean that.
So, what's the plan? Spend the rest of your life alone?
I obviously don't have a plan.
Well, that's clear.
But you just push away anyone
who shows you any sign of love and affection.
I do, don't I?
I mean, why do I keep doing that over and over?
Because you'd rather be alone where no one can hurt or disappoint you
or, frankly, bore you to death.
I do get bored... by Carlos.
By his kindness.
I mean, what's wrong with me?
You're exceptional. And that's a lonely place to be.
But I was doing so much better.
But better's just another word for boring, and you don't wanna be boring.
But I don't wanna be sick and alone either.
You're not alone. You have me.
I miss Greta. I miss having a real friend.
But you didn't value her or listen to her.
Friendship's a two-way street, you fat slut.
- Don't call me that. - Well, don't be a fat slut.
You know what? You're the problem.
You're the one who's keeping me from being close to anyone.
And you're not my friend. You're not my lover.
You're like an uninvited guest who's just refusing to leave the party.
How many times do I have to just tell you to please leave me the fuck alone?
- Leave me alone! - Mommy?
Sweetie?
Oh, my goodness.
I didn't see you there.
Who were you talking to?
Nobody. I wasn't talking to anybody.
Let's get you to bed.
These two? Thank you.
Anything you wanna sample?
Sure.
- It's good. - Yeah, that's Cherokee Purple.
That's one of our heirloom varieties. We also have a Green Zebra--
I'll take five.
Five of the--
Cartons.
Five of these?
I'll take the whole...
I'll take it all.
All right. Well, I'll get it going for you.
Are you sourcing out for a restaurant? 'Cause I don't think I recognize you.
No, it's for my own personal use.
Is that enough?
Yeah.
I heard you had something special going on here,
so I wanted to sample the goods myself.
All right, well, let me get someone to help you carry it, okay?
That's not necessary.
No, it is. It's kinda heavy.
So, how's your relationship going?
What?
Mine's hit a rough patch.
I'm sorry.
Do you think it's true what they say? That the hurdles make it stronger?
Sure.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone where the fire's there.
But then I remember, fires die.
And you have to be willing to keep going.
And not just one of you but both of you.
Let me get someone to help you carry-- Can you help him with those five?
- Sure. - Just something to consider.
Sheila's not the best at persisting in the absence of an ember.
- What the-- - Take care now.
My car's right here.
Sometimes,
when the world seems too big, too dark, too scary,
there's something I always like to remember.
That just around the corner,
there's always the possibility of magic.
Where am I? And why am I craving carrots?
Who wants to be the one to tell her?
Tell me what?
How did you get in here?
I just walked in. Nobody stopped me.
You cannot be here.
She's not real. You know that, right?
- What? - She's not real.
- You're not real! - I'm s--
You're not real! You're fake!
I'm so sorry, everybody. I don't know what she's doing here...
- She's a fake! - ...but she's leaving.
She's a fake, and she's a liar!
- You're leaving. - She's a fake!
Do you wanna tell me what the heck is going on here?
I wish I could, but I'm not sure I know.
She's not real.
She had a fake name, fake hair, big, fake store-bought tits.
Don't touch me! Who told you you could touch me?
It doesn't matter because you're not real. I'm real.
And you're real too, Greta.
You're real. You're my friend!
And I'm sorry. I came here to say that I'm sorry.
And I need you.
I want you back in my life.
Hey, let's go.
Come on.
You're better than her.
You're better than me.
- I don't know about that. - I do.
Let go of me.
You are so impossible.
Hey! Greta.
Greta? Gretel? Gradel? Gradel.
My back's not cracking itself.
This wasn't her idea, doing this kids' show.
This was my idea. I did this.
Why?
Some combination of it being good for her and bad for you.
Mostly bad for you.
That's fair.
I have so much work to do to earn back your trust.
And I have so much to explain to you about--
Yeah, we really need to do that.
But can we do it some other time? 'Cause I have to get out of here.
I'm so hungry.
Yeah, me too.
I'm... really hungry too.
Yeah? What do you feel like having?
Hamburger.
Yes, let's get a fucking hamburger.