♪ Beef House
♪♪
♪ Beef House [Beef House]
♪ Beef
Come on. You got it.
Spank, spank, spank!
Awesome! -[knocking] Hey, Tim. Could I get a hand, please?
Yeah, one sec!
I got a handful of groceries out here.
Can you open the door? - Hang on!
I'm just in the middle of something!
That's it! You submit! You submit!
Don't worry. I got it.
Sorry. I'm just trying to beat this final level
of "Ultimate Drill Sergeant."
Gotcha. Back from my daily errands.
Cool. Did you get my back pills?
Yep. Stopped at the pharmacy for you.
No problem. - Okay. Don't forget.
I need to take those with milk.
Gotcha. Pills and milk, like every day.
Okay. What about lunch?
Well, I was thinkin' about heatin' up some
of my leftover beef lasagna.
Mmm. I like the sound of that.
You know, a night in the fridge
reallyhelps those flavors develop.
I'm talkin' about the moozarel,
the San Marzano tomatoes,
the gabagool, the fresh Parmesanish.
I'm gettin' hungry, just thinkin' about it.
Don't forget the milk, though.
Hey. Do you mind taking your shoes off the couch?
- Sorry, what? - Do you mind taking
your dirty feet off the couch?
You know Megan hates that. - Dude, they're not dirty.
I just cleaned them with baby wipes.
Just take them off.
Take them off the couch! -Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright!
I'll take my feet off the couch.
Megan!
What are you doing with my beef lasagna?!
This huge pan was taking up
way too much space in the fridge.
Plus, I think the beef is spoiled.
It stinks! - The beef is not spoiled.
Everyone knows that a night in the fridge
helps develop flavors
for beautiful beef lasagna.
Now, what am I supposed to do?
Well, I'm sure you will figure it out.
You know, and I don't appreciate having
to clean up after you every day.
That fridge is a mess!
[ Poignant tune plays ]Megan, I'm trying.
I mean that. [ Sigh ]
Listen, do you think we could talk about us
later tonight? - I don't know.
We're really close to a big break
in the Richards murder. - I thought that case was cold.
What the hell do you know about my job?!
Ugh! Whatever.
Don't wait up for me.
Alright. Have a good day at work.
I love you. - Tim, feet off the couch!
Feet! Off!
Alright!
Have fun playing cops and robbers,
catchin' jaywalkers.
Damn! She got places to be!
How was work today, Ron?
[scoff] Got laid off again!
- Oh, man. - Goddamn it!
I tell you, there's just no place
for a hardworkin' fool no more!
I think I'm just gonna go on and take a bath,
come back down and dig into some
of that beef lasagna from last night.
Sorry, guys.
No beef lasagna.
- What?! - Megan tossed it out.
Why would she throw it out? It makes no sense.
It's better the next day! - I was gonna pound
that beef lasagna down my throat!
Shit!
I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but, I got your pills and milk.
Thank you.
You're welcome. Listen, I was talkin'
to my sister about my nephew Boro.
He's having a really bad time at school,
major discipline problems.
- Hm. - He bit a teacher.
He bit a kid. - He bit a kid?
Baby Boro bit that boy bad.
- [Whistles] - So, I suggested
that Boro come and stay with us
for a couple days and give her a break.
It's funny. I've been playin' this cool game
called "Ultimate Drill Sergeant" on my phone
- Uh-huh. - and it teaches you how
to discipline young recruits.
Maybe I could use some of those techniques on Boro.
Now, you're usin' your head.
I'm gonna grind him into shape.
He is gonna be sayin', "Yes, sir! Yes, ma'am!
Yes, sir! Yes, ma'am!
Yes, sir! Yes ma'am!"
Beef.
Just a little "me" time.
Hey, Ben. You doin' a load?
No, I'm doing the laundry.
Yeah. That's what I said.
You said load.
Yes, a loadof laundry.
You mean take a shit?
No. That's droppinga load.
These nasty sheets got load of sperm
from my wet dream.
Okay. TMI, but thank you, Ben.
- So. - Hey.
I was doin' a little brainstormin'
up in the bathtub and I thought
we could turn this into
the Beef House Bad Boys Boot Camp.
That's a great idea.
We could charge these boys
and we can finally contribute
to Megan's mortgage payments.
[ Doorbell rings ] Both: Speak of the devil.
One minute.
It's Boro.
Hey, Boro. Welcome to the Beef House.
Come on in.
I'd like to introduce you to Uncle Tim.
Hi, Uncle Tim.
You're not gonna be callin' me Uncle Tim!
You're gonna be calling me sir!
Do you understand me? - Yes.
Yes, what?!
Yes, sir.
Now, we're gonna have some rules
around this Beef House.
First up, you're gonna wake up
at 6:00 am every morning.
You're gonna make your bed
and you're gonna salute the flag.
Yes, sir! No, sir!
You understand that?!
- Yes, sir. - Then come on over here
and give me a firm handshake.
See? This is gonna work out just fine.
- Aaaaaah! - Ah, Boro!
Get 'im off me! Get 'im off me!
No! What did you do to Tim?!
He got an artery!
He got something bad!
What the hell's goin' on down here?
That son of a bitch stabbed me!
- Take Boro to your cage! - What the hell?!
You come with me, you little asshole!
- I'm bleeding out, Eric! - Oh, my god.
Ben Hur, get in here!
We need somethin' to stop the bleeding!
- Oh! -Wait, wait, wait. Are those your semen sheets?
Yes they are.
They're covered in your love goo?
- Mm-hmm. - From your wet dreams?
Yes. Certainly.
Get it outta here! That would give him
a staphinfection! - Aaaah!
Get offa me. Get offa me!
I gotta get myself down to urgent care.
When I come back, I'm gonna show Boro
who's boss around here, you hear me?!
I'm comin' for you, boy!
I'm comin' for you!
[ Funk theme plays ]
♪ Beef ♪
Get in here!
Get your little ass in there, you little shit.
[ Clang ]
You're a bad, bad boy. You know that?
I can't believe you stabbed Uncle Tim.
You hungry, Doggy Boy?
Yeah. I'm hungry.
But don't call me Doggy Boy.
You're acting like a doggy.
You know what doggies like to eat, right?
Trash! Which, by the way,
I just happen to have some right here.
[sniffing] Fresh trash!
I'm gonna scoop you a little portion, Boro.
[ Clanging ]
Eat up, Boro.
Not bad.
This trash is --
[smacks lips] Hey, you're right.
Nice, fresh beef,
rigatoni, cottage cheese.
I think this is lasagna!
Hey, Boro. You wanna hear a secret?
- Yeah. - I sneak up fresh trash
every night and I just have a trash feast by myself.
It's good to have some company now.
Ron, you take five.
I got this.
Aaaah! Aaaah!
Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!
Not so tough, now, are you, Boro?
You think you can stab Uncle Tim
and get away with it? I don't think so!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
[crying] I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
It's alright. Boro, stop cryin', okay?
[ Tender tune plays ]It's, uh, it's okay. Listen, I-I--
I know it's hard and...
[ Continues crying ]
...it's not easy bein' a kid, right?
Eh! Aah!
Hey, he's got another knife!
Damn it, I'm --
[ Upbeat rock sting plays ]
Beef.
Hey, I got you your pills and milk.
Listen, Eric, it's official.
Boro's gotta go.
I just wish Tennessee Luke Fortenberry III was here.
He'd know what to do.
He's on a spiritual retreat, man.
Nocontact.
He's not even on the goddamn grid!
Hey, look who it is!
Tennessee's back! [ Applause ]
Shit!
[ Laughing ]
- Alright! - Welcome back!
[ Laughing ]
I felt that Tim was in danger, so,
I have returned from my vision quest.
Come on in here, Tennee.
Sit.
We got big problems here, Tennessee.
We need your help, bad.
I've been studying Boro's mind waves.
[ Ethereal tune plays ]I can visualize it.
I can see it, clear as day.
Boro's hurting inside.
He's not an evil boy.
He just needs love.
That makes a lotta sense.
Tim, you know, your hard-ass approach is just not working.
I think he needs a gentler touch.
But, Tennessee, how do we do it?
There's a shortcut.
I can remap his brain, erase those memories,
and get 'im back on the right track.
- Right. - I just need to go
into a deep, deep,
deep
sleep.
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ Asphyxiating ]
♪♪
[ Beep ] [ Squelching]
♪♪
It is finished!
Bring him to me.
Alright, Tennessee, I trust you,
but I sure as hell don't trust him,
so everybody be on guard.
I hear him coming.
♪♪
Uh-oh.
Here comes bad boy.
He's got another knife!
No-no, Boro.
Ron: Uh-oh.
♪♪
[ Clatter ]
Tennessee, it worked!
Yes. I don't feel angry or sad anymore.
Wow. Incredible!
I'm sorry I stabbed you, Uncle Tim.
And, this time, I mean it.
Handshake?
I don't know if I can trust 'im.
You've been stabbed. You've been
in the hospital twice, and you still
haven't had your pills and milk.
I got this.
[ Poignant tune plays ]
How about a hug?
[ Laughing ]
Hey! What do you say we all make old Boro, here,
a permanent resident of this here
Beef House? All in favor, say, "Aye."
All: Aye!
[chanting] Boro! Boro!
Boro! Boro! Boro!
Boro! Boro! - Guys.
- Boro. Bo-- - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hey, honey. We had a pretty exciting day here
at the Beef House. Boro came over
and Tim did a little tough love on him
and then Tennessee remapped his mind
and, now, he's a well-behaved little boy.
We just took a vote and Boro's gonna become
a permanent member of the Beef House.
Oh! [claps]
I don't care. I've had a long day
and all I want is some peace and quiet.
- Okay, honey. - Can we do that, please?
Why is there a knife on the floor?
Uh... yeah.
I'll be up later.
Yes.
Hey, let's eat the lasagna.
Ah. Mm. Sorry, Ben, but,
Megan tossed the lasagna this morning.
Not so fast, guys.
[ Bag crinkling ]
Trash lasagna!
[ Cheering ]
♪♪
[ Splat ]
♪♪
Beef.
Abso... Lutely.
♪♪ [ Drumroll ]