(blades thrumming)
NICK: Has everyone been evacuated?
JESSICA: I think so. Awaiting confirmation from set.
Are they okay?
I mean, they're covered in crude oil, so no?
NICK: All right, talk to me.
We have Governor DeSantis, the Coast Guard,
and Zach Peterman from the network.
God, what a horrible array of choices.
All right, give me the network. Come on.
PA: He's on whenever you're ready.
Hey, Zach! How you doing, buddy?
Uh, here's the situation.
There was an accident on an oil rig a few miles away.
It's currently dumping about 40,000 gallons
of crude oil into the water, but we're evacuating everyone.
It's completely under control.
-I knew this would happen. -NICK: Really?
You knew there was gonna be an oil spill?
ZACH: No, but I knew that something would go wrong
when you take 12 people and put them
in a plexiglass house underwater!
This was a terrible idea!
Well, that's weird because you got into
a huge bidding war over it.
and we once did a show called Burn That Money.
I want you to stop shooting.
Well, let's, uh, let's think that through, okay?
Because we're getting some really great stuff here,
man, and it's--
Turn off the cameras! Stop shooting!
I am not kidding!
Copy that. You heard him, guys.
Everybody, stop shooting. Stop shooting!
Nick, tell me everyone got out safely.
Uh...
Hey, Zach, I got the Coast Guard
on the other line, buddy.
I'm so sorry. I gotta call you back, okay?
-Thank you. -Answer the question! Answer--
Ted and Eva refused to evacuate.
They wanna win the prize money.
-God, people are so dumb. -(alarm blaring)
Okay, game on. Let's get Ted on camera.
I think it's important to remember that nobody died.
Yes, they lived to bring a multimillion-dollar
class-action lawsuit against the network.
Can you explain why you kept shooting
after the network specifically asked you not to?
My entire job is to keep shooting.
It was very compelling television.
You guys should air it.
I mean, you know, unless you hate great ratings.
-(chuckles) -That footage was subpoenaed
for their civil suit.
Well, that's gonna be the most entertaining evidence
they'll ever watch, I can guarantee you that.
(edgy music)
Is the network pinning this on me?
Because that's what it feels like.
Look, I'm dealing with a custody battle right now.
I cannot be on the hook for this money.
I'll never see Henry again.
Keep the network happy.
Make this dance show a success. How's it going anyway?
(sighs) I don't know.
-(whip cracks) -(moaning)
JULIA: So what do you think, Kevin?
I just started watching this show you're binging.
Oh, my God, Julia! You went into my computer?
No, no, I took it to the store,
and three 22-year-olds explained to me
that my husband watches seven hours of porn a day.
Are you masturbating from home today,
or are you going into the office?
Are you gonna make a huge deal out of this?
You're also spending $2,000 a month on a webcam site
called My Kind of Pie, which seems--
SOPHIA: Whoa!
What is happening right now?
Your father's addicted to internet pornography.
There are bagels.
Nice, Julia. Real nice!
Soph, take your sister to school.
-What the hell was that? -SOPHIA: I don't know.
They're freaks.
-Did that feel good? -No.
I'm doing the dance show. It starts today.
-No, no, no, no, no. -Yes, yes, yes.
You said you weren't doing that.
Well, I am-- It might be my last chance
to dance again, and I am taking it.
I asked for whipped cream! Do you see
-whipped cream on there? -MIKE: I've said this
-five times already. -Do you see whipped cream
-on that? -It's not what you wanted,
-but I can't take it back. -It's a simple question.
Do you see whipped cream on that?
Would you please stop saying, "Do you see whipped cream"
in that voice, okay?
What happened to customer service, loser?
I don't know, lady!
What happened to the American middle class?
What happened to dignity? I have five jobs.
My wife left me. I'm broken glass on the inside.
So enjoy your dumb coffee.
Oh, no. We got too mad.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just...
My daughter moved back in with her kids,
and they're awful.
My husband works from home,
and all I do is laundry.
It's okay. I get it.
Times are tough, you know, but life'll turn around.
I was at rock bottom, and then I auditioned for a dance show,
and I got in.
-Seriously? You're a dancer? -Sort of.
The point is, out of nowhere, second chance.
I'm gonna get my wife back.
But first, I'm gonna get you another coffee
with whipped cream.
You don't have to do that.
No, this is the day both of our lives turn around!
Be back in 15 minutes!
What do you think? Change out the top?
Mm, yeah, change out the top.
Is that what you're wearing?
She's changing out the top.
What about work? Did you get a leave of absence?
What? No. I quit.
-(car horn honks) -That's Justin. I'm late.
You quit? Are you crazy? You have a 401(k)!
-(Gabby groans) -What is going on here?
Is this about that football player?
Of course it's not about the football player!
Good, because he's famous. He dates models.
GABBY: Why do you have to crap all over this?
You encouraged me!
I did, but I didn't expect you to ruin your life.
What do you think is gonna happen?
You're gonna become a professional dancer?
Yeah, that's the idea, Mom,
that someone will pay me to dance.
Oh, yeah, somebody is going to pay me
to be a Victoria's Secret model.
Does it matter to you that I hate my life?
Not you, Sam. You're great.
I know, Mama.
Maybe it's not too late to do
what I was going to do before Sam came along.
No offense, Sam. You're the best.
None taken, Mama.
So if you don't believe in me, that's fine,
because I believe in me.
This is my shot, and I'm going for it
so I don't spend the rest of my life wondering what if!
Amen, sister!
Oh, brother.
That was a lot of yelling.
Just go.
MARTHA: ♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
(both laughing)
(C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat")
♪ The music is my life ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
My dad would say,
"That boy gay as the morning sun."
As a queer man, I should be offended.
But in this case, I kind of get it.
GABBY: Oh, shut up. He looks fabulous.
(chuckles)
GABBY: That looked awesome, you guys!
I know, right?
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Reggie Sadler.
I cannot believe they got me doing this.
-(Gabby laughs) -What's up?
What's going on there? That's a lot.
P.A.: All right, guys, let's go in!
-BRITTNEY: Okay. -Big smiles when you walk in!
Big smiles!
(bell rings)
Guys, what prevents us?
JESSICA: Waiting on the elevator.
Okay, guys, remember, you're excited!
All your dreams are about to come true!
Roll sound.
(hopeful music)
♪ ♪
All right, cue the mirrors.
WAYNE: Hi!
(contestants cheering)
Welcome! Welcome!
Come on. Who's popping? Who's popping?
(back-up alarm beeping)
Wait, a scissor lift?
(beeping)
Come on, guys. Shoot me in the face. Let's go.
Flag on the play!
Everybody back in the elevator. We gotta do it again.
NICK: And guys, seriously, I need you more excited.
This is your dream!
What's the most excited you've ever been?
I once won a raffle at a pet store.
Okay, well--well then, channel that, then, all right?
Back to one. Let's do this again.
I want to see the excitement here.
Come on!
Whew. Why is this so small?
You said you liked it when your hands looked bigger.
You're right. I did say that. Thank you.
(edgy music)
♪ ♪
(snaps fingers) You two, over here.
Come on. No dawdling!
We're casting our principal roles.
We're putting everyone into groups of three.
We have a Prince, a White Swan, and a Black Swan.
Now, the Prince falls in love with the White Swan.
Then he leaves her for the Black Swan.
The classic, tragic love triangle.
Every group performs,
and that's how we find our principals.
You know, when I was coming up, Dede Allen once told me...
NICK: No, what is she doing?
"In order to be a star, you need three--"
No! The football player. Cut!
Hi, I just have a-- I have a note on this group.
Ladies, if you could step back to the bar for me.
Reggie, you stay there. Come with me.
Gabby. Here we go. Look at this.
(Reggie clapping)
Hell, yeah!
The Prince. The Black Swan.
Brittney, come here, please.
Thank you. You're over here.
And White Swan. Look at that.
-Perfect. -Perfect.
Can I talk to you for a moment?
Always.
Everybody else looks great.
I'm Brittney Lovewell. 66,000 followers.
And I'm verified.
(mischievous music)
That's what's up.
Uh, you're doing my job.
Well, your job is part of my job.
We're all executive producers.
Who's in charge here?
Me. Really, really me.
And I need Gabby
with the football player that she's crushing on.
Look, it's all-- it's all right there.
And I need Brittney right here
to make her feel insecure.
It's a whole, uh-- it's a whole story arc.
What's that got to do with dancing?
Nothing! The show's not about dancing.
I need people to bang. I need tears.
I need a fistfight. I need an eating disorder.
Otherwise, why not just go to the ballet and see Swan Lake,
which, oh, my God, how boring.
I don't like that girl.
Gabby? Are you crazy? I love her.
I don't think she's a good enough dancer to be here.
None of them are good enough to be here.
Look at that. We just went in a circle.
Again, the show is not about dancing.
Now, let's go back out there and make an entertaining show
that people actually want to watch.
(dramatic orchestral music)
♪ ♪
We didn't come on this show to be partygoer number five.
No, we did not.
-Let's be clear. -Crystal.
Ohh--
I danced ballet in Montreal from the time I was a baby.
And it came to you naturally?
I feel like I was dancing already in my mom's belly.
I was doing a... (speaks French)
Do you think there's a ballet dancer inside of everybody?
(classical music playing)
♪ ♪
No.
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two.
Uh. Uh. Yeah, hi.
-Um? -Yes?
Sorry, is it believable that he would leave me for her?
I'm just asking.
GABBY: If I let girls like her get to me,
I would never leave the house.
Whatever.
I'm bringing plenty to the table.
And she's also bringing plenty to the table.
(muffled giggling)
Namely negative female stereotypes
and lotion that smells like strawberries.
Our background is in ballroom dancing,
but we have a solid ballet foundation.
Plus, we were raised to be winners.
Oh, yeah, our mother, she used to say,
"It's either first place or foster care."
Remember she used to tell us, "The only excuse for losing
is getting shot in the face?"
Yeah. And, "Failures sleep in the garage."
(both laughing)
-She's great. -Yeah, the best.
Well, you know, I'm determined to use this
as an opportunity to get back in the NFL.
You know, in the past, I've, uh, let myself get
a little distracted by girls and partying, but not anymore.
So have you ever seen Swan Lake?
Yeah, yeah. Gabby put me on that, man.
That [bleep] was boring as [bleep].
SIMON: And Julia, go. Julia, go.
-Julia, go. -JULIA: I'm going!
SIMON: Five and a-six and a-seven.
-JULIA: That's not the count. -SIMON: You were early, Julia.
JUSTIN: You're beautiful. Don't worry about him.
He's off. Look. Look at him.
Excuse me, you're pushing me.
I'm supposed to walk this way.
SIMON: No, you're not.
Port de bras, Justin!
Port de what?
Your upper carriage. Elbows lifted!
Spine straight! Feet pointed!
No, no.
Use the energy in your midline to turn.
I can spin on my head.
Not impressed.
Have you tried it?
Come on, boo. You can do it.
You just gotta point through your feet.
Not your boo!
Turns out I'm really bad at ballet.
Also, where did he get the tutu?
Does he keep it in his car?
♪ ♪
WAYNE: Mike?
The Black Swan is calling.
Yeah, yeah. No, I know. I'm not doing that.
-What do you mean? -Yeah, what do you mean?
I-I made a commitment to my swan.
I'm not just gonna run off with some other swan, you know?
If it helps, I'm fine with it.
PAULA: I climbed the corporate ladder
at an auto company.
Wasn't easy.
And then I beat cancer.
I'm not gonna let this guy
get in the way of me getting a lead.
Uh, what are you going to do to get him to dance with you?
I don't know. Where does he hang out?
Hey, what if we got stripper poles on the stage?
Shut your mouth! No!
Mike, Mike, Mike, people want to see the story.
Well, maybe people want to see a stand-up guy
who doesn't just step out on his swan!
How's that for a positive message?
Now we're cooking with gas. This guy cheated on his wife.
MIKE: I'm gonna take five, all right?
We've got a story.
NICK: We actually heard that you're here
-to try to get your wife back. -Yeah, I am, I am.
This is the-- this is the big idea.
I think she's going to see I'm a changed man.
-I'm off the couch. -What was the problem?
What went wrong between you guys?
Well, I was-- I worked at a factory, uh,
I was a foreman three years ago and...
-Wow. -And, uh, my wife and I,
we had a house, we were planning a family,
and then the-- the plant just--it closed.
And then with COVID,
I just started to feel, you know, feel really small.
And then we just--buuuuh. You know, we blew up.
That's tough.
Was there a third party involved?
What? Why would you ask that?
No, not to me. To over here.
Why would you even ask that?
Why would I ask that? Why would I say that there?
I don't want--I don't want that on the show.
It's okay. I think we're done.
We got it. We got everything we need.
Don't use that, please.
NICK: We're just gonna take your mic off, okay?
I'm sorry, man, I didn't-- didn't mean to cross the line.
I'm divorced. People make mistakes.
God knows I did, you know?
MIKE: Yeah.
Oh, uh, well, I di--
I--one time, I did--
I did make that mistake with a coworker,
and if Paige ever found out, it would be...
yeah, ha, she'd never forgive me.
I get it.
So yeah, can't have that on--on TV, you know?
-You get it. -NICK: No, I do get it.
But look, you gotta stop beating yourself up
-about it, huh? -Yeah, I know. I know. I know.
All right. Well, thanks, man.
-MIKE: Thanks. -NICK: Yeah.
-(thump) -NICK: See you next time.
NICK: Watch your head.
-Did you get that? -Yup.
BRITTNEY: Two, three.
Hey, Brittney. What's up?
BRITTNEY: Oh my God, are you following me?
Quit stalking me, you stalker. You're freaking me out.
(percussive music)
♪ ♪
Oh, no. Gabby, come back.
(groans)
JESSICA: Who are you on?
ALLY: The Flute and the Tuba.
JESSICA: Are you getting her making googly eyes
at the football player?
We have like an hour and half.
Nick says whoever figures out the baby daddy gets a bonus.
ALLY: (whistles) Seriously? Okay.
How much?
(punchy music)
Put me in a different group!
Alan, what, we're just letting them in now?
Is that what's happening?
-Get out of here, Gabby. -I know what you're doing.
Okay, what am I doing?
You're casting me as the big girl
making googly eyes at the football player
who everyone will laugh at
for thinking that she can be the Black Swan.
All right, you signed a 20-page contract, so shut up.
Also, that's a real glass-half-empty POV.
How about some self-esteem?
Don't deliberately put me in a situation
that undermines my self-esteem
and then ask me why I have low self-esteem.
That's a fair point.
But Gabby, I think people are gonna love you,
and they're going to want to know more
-about you and your son. -My son is off-limits.
And I'm not talking about his father.
He's not in the picture. Stop asking.
He's not in the picture? Well, where is he?
-He's in Europe. -Wow.
The country of Europe? Where in Europe?
I do this for a living, Gabby.
Are you going to put me in another group or not?
I'm not. But, so you know,
you're not the only one making googly eyes.
He is too.
Really?
Mm. Stop it.
I know what you're doing, and I'm not falling for it.
Yeah, you are.
Did you want this closed, or...?
Well, not now 'cause everyone seems to come in here.
They say creativity flows through an open door.
Literally, no one has ever said that until you said it
right in my open doorway! Close it!
JULIA: Well, I was working at Saks in the '90s,
and one day in walks this really cute guy
and asks me to help him with a tie, right?
So I did.
And I think it--I think it was the next day, wasn't it?
That you came back in and asked me to help him again,
for another one.
He ended up with so many ties. How many was it?
I think--it was a lot. It was a--
It was, like, three. It wasn't that many.
No, it was a lot. It was more than that.
Anyway, he ended up asking me out,
and here we are, right?
Sorry, can you excuse me for just a sec?
(tense music)
Um...
I am going to go check on him, make sure he's okay.
-NICK: Go ahead. -So not like him.
(clears throat) I'll be right back.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Gonna shoot an empty couch? Come on, come on.
What's the first rule of Fight Club?
-ALAN: Don't forget to-- -No, filming. Filming, Alan.
What the hell was that, Kevin?
I don't want to do this.
JULIA: Okay, it's not too much to ask after what you did.
KEVIN: God, is this about the porn?
Who cares about the porn?
Porn? Did he just say porn?
No, I think he said corn.
Yeah, Alan, I mean, they're screaming at each other
over an undigestible vegetable.
No, I don't know, but why would they do that?
They know we're right here.
'Cause people are dumb, that's why.
We know what we shouldn't say, and we say it anyway.
We know what we shouldn't do, and we do it anyway.
You lead people to the cliff and they will jump,
every day, all day.
Okay, is this about my social media?
Honey, I am trying to normalize aging for--
-Normalize aging? Come on! -Yes!
You are terrified of getting old.
It's so obvious!
(sighs)
I'm so unhappy in this marriage.
(solemn music)
What are you saying? You don't love me anymore?
I don't even know if I like you.
I'm gonna get a hotel this week
then look for my own place.
Your show's still out there. You wanna go first or should I?
Let's go.
Hustle, but don't look like you're hustling.
-Alan-- -JESSICA: Alan!
Hi. Uh...
I am so sorry; we're gonna have to cut this short.
Kevin has food poisoning.
-Is it the corn? -JULIA: The what?
-(classical music) -Eyes up, Justin!
Elbows lifted.
Elbows lifted!
I don't know what her mother did to her,
but I need to write her a thank-you note.
Your posture's garbage! Straighten that leg!
-JUSTIN: It's straight. -You're not even trying.
JUSTIN: I'm working my ass off! -MONICA: Well, I don't see it!
I don't see any connection, either!
Stop yelling at me!
Stay framed up on them, guys.
I need crunchy singles and a wide.
Do the pirouette again.
(cheers and applause)
(whooping)
-NICK: Ah! -What the hell!
You do my choreography, or you're out!
-Oh my God, I love her so much. -Don't pet the snake.
-What does that mean? -You know what it means.
Okay!
Well, that's enough excitement for today.
Why don't we pick this all up tomorrow?
(bell rings)
Ugh, I feel so bloated.
I had, like, two chips at lunch,
and I feel like you can see them.
Gabby, can you tell?
No. I think you're good.
Thanks.
I mean, you can't be a swan with a burrito baby, right?
I don't know, I think that any of us could be a swan.
You know, Brittney,
I'm way more scared of these other girls than I am of you.
Shots fired!
Whatever.
That protein bar is full of sugar.
Oh my God, this bitch.
Yeah, I-I think that we should all be supportive and accepting
of each other's bodies, don't you, ladies?
Men pay 250 bucks an hour to see this body.
-Please. -Okay, well, that's disgusting.
TAMRA: You make that much stripping?
I'm in the wrong line of work.
Stripping, porn, endorsements, merch.
I get 100 bucks a pop for my used undies.
(stammering)
I have so many questions for you!
TAMRA: Is it true that they pay less for girl-on-girl?
Can you walk me through choking?
'Cause I don't get that.
MIRIAM: How many UTIs do you get a year?
One at a time. One at a time.
I don't know why you guys are so excited.
You have sex on camera for money.
Remember, like, 30 seconds ago
when we said we weren't gonna judge each other?
I'm not judging her body.
I'm judging what she does with it--harshly.
I think what you do is bad for women
and bad for families too.
Mm. Bye, Karen.
(apprehensive music)
♪ ♪
Are you okay?
Not okay.
Skeletor just threw a chair at me.
That's totally going in the promo!
She's hard on you because she thinks you're talented.
While they're setting me up
to be the sad girl who's crushing on Reggie.
You are crushing on Reggie.
Well, he moved my hair out of my face,
told me I was pretty,
and then lifted me over his head.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Hey, Gabby! Come check out my trailer!
(upbeat music)
Go!
Call me later and tell me what happened.
-Don't be weird. -You don't be weird.
Get in there!
Look at this. The fridge is stocked.
REGGIE: Hell yeah, it is.
And, um, there is chocolates.
Show gave it to me.
They gave you a vibrator. I didn't get mine yet.
-It's not a vibrator. -(giggles)
Here, let me show you.
Hmm? Give me your IT band.
No, because I already called it a vibrator,
so now it just seems sexual-- oh!
(chuckles)
Oh, yeah that's good.
So, you know I quit my job for this show.
So it's nice that they gave the trailer
to the cast member most in need.
Was that sarcasm?
What, you think I'm just here to eat chocolate?
No, I think you came here to eat chocolate
and drink $10 coconut water.
Hmm, I'm here for a lot more than that.
I lost a $13 million contract.
(chokes, coughing)
My agent says if I can stay off TMZ for the next two months
I might have a shot at getting it back.
Look, I know, that's a dumb amount of money,
and I promise you I am not a douche bag.
I know you're not.
(Force MD's' "Tender Love")
You want to grab some dinner after the auditions on Friday?
Sure.
If I'm free, which will likely be the case.
So yeah, I'll-- I'll see you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.
SINGER: ♪ Moment to come ♪
♪ So I can thank you ♪
♪ For all the tender love you've given to me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Tender-- ♪
(car alarm chirps)
(inquisitive music)
♪ ♪
Hey, Mom, where's the frozen mangoes?
Oops. Pineapple.
Mango.
Mom, where is Dad?
I told you, he's on a business trip.
He never goes on business trips.
Well, this was an emergency.
So when is this vague
emergency business trip gonna be over with?
I don't know.
We'll have to see how long this emergency lasts.
Hey.
being addicted to porn
is a lot worse than being addicted to social media.
I mean, you can be pretty annoying sometimes,
but that must really suck.
♪ ♪
Thanks.
JOEL: Hey, Mikey. Here you go.
MIKE: Over there in the--
-Now light, light, light. -MIKE: Yes.
Think about jumping up, not coming down.
That's what I'm talking about, bro.
-That's right, right? -Feels good.
How do you know all this?
I watched Misty Copeland's masterclass during lockdown.
Yeah, how's the show going, Mike?
Bad--producer knows that I cheated on Paige.
-How would he know that? -Well, because--
Mike, I have to talk to you.
-Yo, who's she? -I got a problem.
You're not dancing with me.
-He won't dance with you? -Why the hell not?
He's the Prince, and he's supposed
to fall in love with the White Swan
but then leave her for me, the Black Swan,
and he won't do it. What are you guys drinking?
Bottom shelf whiskey.
Can we get five shots of Jack?
He doesn't think the Prince would cheat on the Swan.
Why does it always come back to stupid Paige?
ELLISON: You can't change the story, man.
That's why the producer knows you cheated.
You're dumb.
-You cheated on your wife? -It was one time, okay?
And it was the biggest mistake of my whole life.
JOEL: She doesn't know.
He thinks doing this show
is going to get her back.
None of us think that logic scans,
but we're being supportive.
This is beginning to make sense now.
And I appreciate the sentiment,
but listen, you gotta dance with me
because if you don't, neither of us is gonna get a good part.
Okay. Okay.
Then let's rehearse.
Huh? What? Now?
JOEL: All right.
Now.
(singer vocalizing)
♪ ♪
JOEL: Mike, you're not emoting.
It's true, bro. You're not giving me anything.
I'm giving you all I got here, all right?
Do you feel a connection? 'Cause I certainly do not.
You got to give me a minute to warm up, all right?
I'm still digesting the mozzarella sticks.
I didn't want to complain,
but a little eye contact would be nice.
How can I possibly be giving you more eye contact
than I'm currently giving you?
You're looking at me, but you're not looking at me.
Where's the pathos, Mikey? Where's the conflict?
Okay, I have to admit,
it's a little distracting with Anthony in the role.
ANTHONY: You're just making excuses, doc.
All right, you want a little pizzazz?
-How's that? -All right. Wow, well done.
Yeah, that's it. Now, I'm giving it.
ANTHONY: Now let the pretty lady seduce you.
Pretty lady. Pretty lady over here.
Pretty lady right here.
There's a secret service agent staring at us right now.
Oh, that's my driver, Franklin.
You have a driver? She's fancy. Hey, Franklin!
(claps) Again!
SINGER: ♪ I had to make a glow ♪
♪ I'm in love with you ♪
♪ That I'm in love with you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You sure can know me ♪
♪ You just like a dream ♪
That's what I'm talking about, baby!
-(crowd gasps) -(clattering)
-What the hell? -Do my choreography or--
Can I see?
Hey. Yeah, sure. Uh, you want a drink?
-MONICA: Yeah. -NICK: Yeah?
Here you go.
-(crowd gasps) -(clattering)
You look insane.
And I mean that as a compliment.
Positive feedback's overrated.
You have to maintain control.
You're going to make a wonderful mother someday.
Wayne said you injured your knee.
True story?
If I could dance on it, I wouldn't be here.
Well, you should talk about that on camera.
It'll give people some context for your personality.
Can I also shoot myself on camera?
Well, it's a little dark, but I mean,
I guess I could run it by S&P, sure.
(mischievous music)
So how are you liking Detroit?
It's a cat box.
How are we gonna get through the next three months here?
Hey, you're, uh... (clears throat)
you're consenting to this, right?
Shut up!
MONICA: Do you have any idea what it takes
to dance these roles?
None of you want it bad enough!
Julia, I feel like
we're too worried about how we're looking.
I can't get this extension.
Well, feel the story.
The Prince promised to love you forever,
and now he's leaving you alone, terrified, condemned.
(bell rings)
-WAYNE: Stand up. -I'm sorry. I'm good.
It's your process.
You need it to look right. Let's do it.
-Here? -Yes.
I saw a little bit of you background package.
You okay?
Well, my marriage is falling apart
and nobody likes me.
I like you.
You're just going through a little bit of a transition.
Kind of feels like the whole world is right now.
Transitions are hard and unflattering.
Hip down.
Extend the arm.
There. You're beautiful.
(whispers) Thank you.
I feel so old. And I don't ever say that.
I don't ever say that because it feels like so many people
just can't wait to say it, but, I do, I feel old.
(heartfelt music)
Okay.
Let's feel that.
-Ooh. Huh. -WAYNE: Hmm.
What comes with age?
Osteoporosis, arthritis,
saggy boobs, lack of sex drive.
Hmm. I was going to say wisdom.
Well...
I was going to say regret.
Regret.
My ex-husband is 28 years old.
I married him because I wanted to feel young.
I wanted to hold on to something.
I called him Talentless Neil.
He was beautiful, but he didn't do anything but take my time,
my money, everything.
And at some point, I realized
I don't want to go back.
I want to go forward.
Okay. Well, I'm scared.
Isn't it a much more exciting story
if you don't know how it ends?
No.
(both laugh)
(light music)
♪ ♪
Hey, friend.
I-I just--I wanted to check in about last night.
I'm in the middle of a custody battle
and I got a lot riding on the show,
so I just want to make sure that we're good.
-NICK: Hey. -You pet the snake, didn't you?
-Hmm? WAYNE: Stop pretending to text!
You slept with your subordinate in 2021?
But, no, we're both EPs. We're equal.
Oh, that's not what you said yesterday.
But you better believe you're equal now.
Wow, that's--mm-mm.
Hey, Nick, when are you going to let me sleep with you?
I want final say on the costumes!
♪ ♪
Hey, what's the matter with you?
I-I don't want to talk about it.
Why? What happened?
Hey, Brittney.
I brought Reggie smoothies like a total idiot,
and Brittney was giving him a blowjob.
I'm so stupid.
Wait, uh, were there any cameras there?
-What? No. -We missed a BJ--unbelievable!
Hey Nick, it's Alan's birthday. There's donuts.
Hey, Jessica, Brittney just gave Reggie
a mouth hug in his trailer and we missed it.
So I hope that's the best donut of your life!
I can't believe I listened to you.
It's 8:30 in the morning.
This guy gets Wednesday morning oral,
and I haven't had sex in years,
Okay, one, I don't think the trailer ding dong party
means that he's in love with her in any way.
And two, what does that have to do with your dancing?
Uh, I'm supposed to be sexy and confident and seduce him?
Hey, Nick! My mom sent donuts!
I'm partial to the chocolate myself,
but I'm happy to share it.
Hey, Alan, thanks so much.
No, a sex act just occurred between two of our cast members
and this entire crew missed it!
So call your mom and tell her she just ruined the show!
Will you stop yelling at people?
Hey, everybody needs to do their job.
My job is to start drama. Their job is to shoot it.
Your job is to try to get a great part
and not get distracted by some stupid guy.
Come on. Now, do you want the part?
Yes! I want the part! I want it so much!
So go get it.
Yes, people can tell that you have a crush on Reggie,
and maybe some of them will laugh at you,
but it doesn't matter, come on.
You beat yourself up too much.
Oh, am I being alive wrong?
Yes, you are.
Get mad at other people. Get mad at me.
Get mad at your son's mysterious deadbeat dad.
Get mad at whoever told you that you are not sexy.
You need to start thinking about revenge.
(punchy music)
♪ ♪
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, my God, your skin looks so good right now.
Does my skin look that good?
-What are we doing? -I'm helping you.
Because I'm the good twin, and you're terrible.
Okay, start in fourth position.
Just do a quarter turn.
Don't be scared. I'll do it with you.
-Just a quarter turn? -Yeah. Easy. And go.
-Who are you? -(Simon laughs)
Has anything bad ever happened to you?
Uh, well, if you call almost dying from meningitis
when I was 13 bad, then yeah.
Again, half turn this time.
-I'm sorry. -No, don't be.
I had this terrible acne. Okay, pull your shoulders back.
Come on, chest up. Stand like a lady, please.
Don't--when did we start touching?
Oh, honey, I'm not flirting with you.
Even though it's super sexy how uptight and judgmental you are.
I'm not judging you, okay?
Please, you have so much internalized homophobia
I don't know how you get out of bed in the morning.
So I'm gay and I'm homophobic?
I said what I said.
Full turn. Hey, eyes on me.
Anyway, when I had meningitis,
they gave me these radioactive steroids.
And when I emerged from my medically-induced coma,
I was a gorgeous butterfly with perfect skin.
Worth it.
-That's beautiful. -Thank you.
You know, I actually think that the swan spell in the show
is an allegory for childhood acne.
Well, I know you think that's a joke,
but that's actually my secret backstory for the Black Swan.
So--okay, two turns this time. Don't think about it.
Just do it! Go!
-Oh! -That didn't suck.
That was okay.
One second, please.
(Katy Perry's "Swish Swish")
One sec. I got to go do something.
JUSTIN: Just--just pass it.
Jordan!
KATY: ♪ Swish, swish, bish ♪
Half-time show!
(players clamoring)
KATY: ♪ Can't touch this ♪
♪ Another one in the casket ♪
♪ ♪
NICKI: ♪ Pink Ferragamo sliders on deck ♪
♪ Silly rap beefs just get me more checks ♪
♪ My life is a movie, I'm never off set ♪
♪ Me and my amigos no, not off set ♪
♪ Swish, swish, aw, I got them upset ♪
♪ But my shooters'll make 'em dance like dubstep ♪
♪ Swish, swish, aw, my haters is obsessed ♪
♪ 'Cause I make Ms, they get much less ♪ ♪
♪ Don't be trying to double back ♪
♪ I already despise you ♪
- Oh! - Oh...
♪ Yeah, all that fake love you showin' ♪
♪ Couldn't even disguise you, yo ♪
♪ Winning, lay 'em up like ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Swish, swish, bish ♪
♪ Another one in the basket ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Can't touch this ♪
♪ ♪
(dramatic orchestral music)
♪ ♪
Please dance and cry at the same time.
♪ ♪
(rhythm picks up)
♪ ♪
(end notes)
Come on, kid. Let's bring it.
♪ ♪
And...
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
WAYNE: Bravo!
Well done.
MONICA: Thank you.
(overlapping chatter)
I like the meter maid!
Guys, shut up! Shut up! Everybody shut up!
This is not a democracy, okay?
Except--except between the EPs. Who are all equal.
None of us has greater power than the other,
which is great--which is great
and exactly how it should be, okay?
All right.
Okay, why don't we write down our choices and then compare?
Thank you. Yes. Do you need some paper?
They have colored. You want colored? It's good.
WAYNE: You all should be so proud of yourselves!
You've exceeded my expectations!
You met mine.
Okay, someone's hungry.
Now, as you know, we are casting the show gender blind.
So you are eligible for all roles,
not just the ones you danced.
So let's start with the role of the Prince's mother, the Queen.
That role will go to...
(bell tolls)
Great graphic.
Julia.
Come on up here, Julia.
But, but, but, we are throwing a curveball!
Prince Siegfried has two mommies!
Raven, come on up here!
Yes, you! Come, come!
announcer: Two mothers.
Why not?
MONICA: For the role of Benno,
the Prince's closest friend and his wife...
WAYNE: Mike and Paula! Lovely couple.
announcer: Benno and his wife.
WAYNE: Now for our villain.
Reggie, you will play the Wizard.
Come on up here.
I didn't know there was a wizard,
but that's cool, though.
announcer: The Wizard.
And now for the Prince.
(suspenseful music)
There were many wonderful performances,
and as far as I am concerned, you all--
It's Claude.
WAYNE: Yes, it's Claude. Congratulations.
announcer: The Prince.
Now for the seductive Black Swan.
Again, this was not an easy--
Simon. It's Simon.
WAYNE: Congratulations, Simon.
announcer: The Black Swan.
Now for the tragic White Swan, it came down to two.
Gabby and Brittney.
-Brittney. Congratulations! -(Brittney screaming)
announcer: The White Swan.
The rest of you will be wedding guests and swans.
Oh, wait, I almost forgot the most important role.
Gabby! Come up here.
You are the understudy!
announcer: The understudy.
For what part?
All of them. You will learn every role.
And in the unlikely event that someone can't perform,
it will be your time to shine.
Congratulations!
Hey, good job today, Gabby.
Not good enough. Was that Monica's idea?
No, that was--it was my idea. And it's genius.
You have to learn all of the parts.
That sucks for you. It's perfect.
Look, everybody loves an underdog.
I've been doing this a long time, Gabs.
Keep your eye on the prize.
REGGIE: Yo, you were amazing out there!
It's like--like we were connected, you know?
We still getting dinner?
Oh, uh, you know what?
I forgot I had plans with some friends.
-Shoot. -Oh, okay.
Maybe another time then.
Yeah, maybe.
Ah! God! Hi.
It's going to happen again.
But you won't know when. It's not forever.
How long will it last? I'll decide.
You will never have my phone number.
Your phone number's on the call sheet.
That's not my real phone number.
You will never initiate an encounter,
and I will never spend the night with you.
You--you want to come over tonight--
I just said you don't get to initiate.
-Anything else? -Yes.
If anyone finds out about us, you'll never touch me again,
and I'll ruin you.
Oh, and I liked it when you pulled my hair.
Do that again. Not now!
Wayne knows!
I'm so dumb.
(dramatic classical music)
♪ ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ ♪