1
00:00:06,708 --> 00:00:09,583
- Sneaking out in the morning
without saying goodbye?
2
00:00:09,666 --> 00:00:13,041
I thought you just did that
to aspiring backup dancers.
3
00:00:13,125 --> 00:00:14,833
- I'm not leaving just yet.
4
00:00:14,916 --> 00:00:17,541
- I'm not making you breakfast,
if that's what you're after.
5
00:00:19,291 --> 00:00:22,708
- There is a story
coming out today
6
00:00:22,791 --> 00:00:25,541
in the "Review-Journal"
that MC Ludwig
7
00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:28,375
is taking over your slot
at the Palmetto.
8
00:00:29,958 --> 00:00:33,041
- What?
- I'm sorry.
9
00:00:33,125 --> 00:00:35,625
- I'm literally naked here.
10
00:00:35,708 --> 00:00:37,250
- I just wanted
to tell you myself
11
00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:39,208
before you heard it
someplace else.
12
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,541
Your 2,500th show
is going to be your last.
13
00:00:43,625 --> 00:00:47,041
- What about the pictures
that I have, the photos?
14
00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:48,458
- I'll take the hit.
15
00:00:48,541 --> 00:00:50,958
- I have a contract
for two more years.
16
00:00:51,041 --> 00:00:53,416
- And I'm buying you out of it.
You'll get your full penalty.
17
00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:56,708
This wasn't just my decision.
I have a board to answer to.
18
00:00:56,791 --> 00:00:58,458
- You know, you didn't have
to have sex with me
19
00:00:58,541 --> 00:00:59,875
to soften the blow.
20
00:00:59,958 --> 00:01:01,791
You're not that good in bed.
- No.
21
00:01:01,875 --> 00:01:03,458
Look, I wanted to tell you
last night,
22
00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:07,791
but then one thing
led to another, and...
23
00:01:07,875 --> 00:01:09,625
as much as I enjoyed it,
24
00:01:09,708 --> 00:01:11,875
this wasn't part of the plan.
25
00:01:13,791 --> 00:01:15,250
- You can go now.
26
00:01:17,416 --> 00:01:20,000
- All right.
27
00:01:20,083 --> 00:01:22,333
I am truly sorry.
28
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,458
[dramatic percussive music]
29
00:01:25,541 --> 00:01:32,625
♪ ♪
30
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:39,166
- Ava!
- [groans]
31
00:01:39,250 --> 00:01:40,916
- Get up.
- How'd you get in here?
32
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,416
- I paid for the room.
I have a key.
33
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:43,875
Get up, we have
a whole new hour to write.
34
00:01:43,958 --> 00:01:45,000
- Wait, what?
35
00:01:45,083 --> 00:01:46,750
I have to pee.
- No. No time.
36
00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:48,958
Marty is buying me
out of my contract.
37
00:01:49,041 --> 00:01:50,500
- Oh, shit.
- We're gonna do all that
38
00:01:50,583 --> 00:01:51,916
unfunny confessional stuff
that we've been
39
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,166
talking about
for the anniversary show.
40
00:01:53,250 --> 00:01:54,625
It's gonna be
the whole thing.
41
00:01:54,708 --> 00:01:56,000
- Unfunny?
- And it's gonna be so splashy
42
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:57,708
that another casino
will want me,
43
00:01:57,791 --> 00:01:59,708
and I can tell Marty
to go fuck himself.
44
00:01:59,791 --> 00:02:01,208
Why are you still in bed?
45
00:02:01,291 --> 00:02:02,625
- A full new hour?
46
00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:04,333
D, that show is two weeks away.
47
00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:07,375
- First of all, you will
absolutely not call me D.
48
00:02:07,458 --> 00:02:09,166
And secondly, yes, I know.
It's a time crunch.
49
00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:11,791
So come on, grab...a pile.
50
00:02:11,875 --> 00:02:13,500
You're gonna be staying at
my house till we're finished.
51
00:02:13,583 --> 00:02:14,708
Also, you're gonna start
getting up
52
00:02:14,791 --> 00:02:15,791
every morning at 7:00.
53
00:02:15,875 --> 00:02:17,166
- Wh--
- Piece of advice.
54
00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:18,791
If Kelly Ripa's day
is already over
55
00:02:18,875 --> 00:02:21,416
and yours hasn't even started,
you're in trouble.
56
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:23,041
- [groans]
- What is this?
57
00:02:23,125 --> 00:02:24,875
- That's my bra bucket.
There's no storage here.
58
00:02:24,958 --> 00:02:26,958
- No, no, no, no, no, this.
59
00:02:27,041 --> 00:02:29,208
- Oh, that's
my matcha latte station.
60
00:02:29,291 --> 00:02:31,208
- You're not bringing that.
61
00:02:31,291 --> 00:02:33,583
Move your ass!
- Okay!
62
00:02:33,666 --> 00:02:36,625
[lively music]
63
00:02:36,708 --> 00:02:39,791
♪ ♪
64
00:02:39,875 --> 00:02:42,291
- So then I started
taking diet pills.
65
00:02:42,375 --> 00:02:43,708
But they gave me
such terrible headaches,
66
00:02:43,791 --> 00:02:45,125
I couldn't sleep,
but I'll tell you what.
67
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,833
I didn't miss a second
of the OJ trial.
68
00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:48,541
- Come on, you've seen
the grape lady.
69
00:02:48,625 --> 00:02:51,750
- I've never heard of her.
- Okay. Look at this.
70
00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:53,541
- These buckets are filled
with grapes...
71
00:02:53,625 --> 00:02:55,625
- Okay, fine, you pick.
- I want to get sushi.
72
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,666
I love the crab roll
from that place.
73
00:02:57,750 --> 00:03:00,208
- No.
That was Alan Alda's birthday.
74
00:03:00,291 --> 00:03:02,208
- Who's that?
- [sighs]
75
00:03:02,291 --> 00:03:03,708
- [laughs]
[Grape Lady groaning]
76
00:03:03,791 --> 00:03:05,583
- Oh.
That's horrible.
77
00:03:05,666 --> 00:03:06,916
- I can't breathe.
Stop.
78
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,916
- Play it again.
[laughter]
79
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,250
- ♪ Not trying to be
your hero ♪
80
00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:13,583
- Best two out of three.
81
00:03:13,666 --> 00:03:15,916
- Yes!
Crab roll, here I come, baby.
82
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,916
- Well, I hear this snap sound.
83
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,208
And I knew
that the bone was broken.
84
00:03:20,291 --> 00:03:22,291
- Ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow!
85
00:03:22,375 --> 00:03:23,500
[laughter]
86
00:03:23,583 --> 00:03:26,583
- ♪ Is too low to see, yeah ♪
87
00:03:26,666 --> 00:03:28,666
♪ ♪
88
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,416
- [laughs]
Oh, my God.
89
00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,583
They forgot the crab roll!
90
00:03:32,666 --> 00:03:34,000
- [laughs]
91
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,375
- We've been working all day.
92
00:03:35,458 --> 00:03:36,958
You haven't laughed
this hard once.
93
00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:38,333
- No, I don't do insult humor.
94
00:03:38,416 --> 00:03:40,833
- You insult my hands
all the time.
95
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:43,708
- That's observational humor.
- Oh, my God!
96
00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,541
- [cackling]
97
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,083
- Hey, is it okay
if I leave my eyes open?
98
00:03:47,166 --> 00:03:49,333
- Oh, definitely not.
- Why didn't you tell me?
99
00:03:49,416 --> 00:03:51,416
- You're young.
You'll be fine.
100
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:52,958
- Hit.
101
00:03:53,041 --> 00:03:54,166
- [gasps]
21.
102
00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:55,666
Ava wins!
- [groans]
103
00:03:55,750 --> 00:03:58,625
- You don't always
have to sound so surprised.
104
00:03:58,708 --> 00:04:00,125
- Why are you guys
going to Sacramento?
105
00:04:00,208 --> 00:04:01,750
Can't you just
practice it here?
106
00:04:01,833 --> 00:04:04,541
- 'Cause if it works there,
it'll work anywhere.
107
00:04:04,625 --> 00:04:05,833
- Fun fact:
108
00:04:05,916 --> 00:04:08,583
Sacramento is home
to one of the only
109
00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:11,541
female serial killers.
110
00:04:11,625 --> 00:04:13,250
What?
I know feminist shit too.
111
00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:14,666
[laughter]
112
00:04:14,750 --> 00:04:16,250
- You know, I always thought
it was so bizarre
113
00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,041
that Sacramento
is the capital of California.
114
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,166
It's like Albany being
the capital of New York.
115
00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:22,166
It feels like someone
tried to guess which cities
116
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:24,166
were gonna be important,
like, 200 years ago
117
00:04:24,250 --> 00:04:26,333
and now everyone's afraid
to admit that they were wrong.
118
00:04:26,416 --> 00:04:28,125
- You know what's crazy?
- Hmm?
119
00:04:28,208 --> 00:04:30,333
- I just listened to that whole
thing, and I agree with you.
120
00:04:30,416 --> 00:04:31,416
- That is crazy.
121
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,291
- That is crazy.
[laughter]
122
00:04:33,375 --> 00:04:34,291
[dog barking]
123
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,208
[cell phone buzzing]
124
00:04:38,416 --> 00:04:40,083
- [sighs]
125
00:04:41,875 --> 00:04:44,625
Hi.
- Mm, hey, kiddo.
126
00:04:44,708 --> 00:04:45,916
- Oh, Dad, hi!
127
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,000
- How's Sin City?
- It's all right.
128
00:04:48,083 --> 00:04:49,916
How are you feeling?
- Great!
129
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,708
I was just thinking,
maybe I could come visit.
130
00:04:52,791 --> 00:04:54,958
Huh?
See your comedian's show.
131
00:04:55,041 --> 00:04:57,166
You know, I had Woody Allen
records back in the day.
132
00:04:57,250 --> 00:04:58,916
- Mm, you gotta
get rid of those.
133
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,333
- [laughs]
134
00:05:00,416 --> 00:05:02,625
All right,
so what's a good weekend?
135
00:05:02,708 --> 00:05:04,416
- Are you sure
you should fly, Dad?
136
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:05,541
What does Mom think?
137
00:05:05,625 --> 00:05:06,833
- Well, you know her.
138
00:05:06,916 --> 00:05:08,125
Remember when
she wouldn't let you
139
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,666
drive to the mall
till you were 19?
140
00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:12,333
- Yeah, but that was
a hectic parking lot
141
00:05:12,416 --> 00:05:13,791
and a huge van.
142
00:05:13,875 --> 00:05:17,291
You know, you're talking
about flying cross-country
143
00:05:17,375 --> 00:05:19,208
a couple months
after having a stroke.
144
00:05:19,291 --> 00:05:20,958
- I'm telling you, I'm fine.
145
00:05:21,041 --> 00:05:27,083
So do you use
Travel-o-city.com?
146
00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:28,208
You think that's legit?
147
00:05:28,291 --> 00:05:30,458
- Yeah.
It's legit, yeah.
148
00:05:30,541 --> 00:05:33,166
- Hello, period.
149
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,875
Can't wait to see you tonight,
period.
150
00:05:35,958 --> 00:05:38,416
Winky face.
[message app chimes]
151
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,416
[message app dings]
Delete.
152
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,333
Delete winky face.
153
00:05:42,416 --> 00:05:43,833
[message app chimes]
- [laughing] Oh, my God.
154
00:05:43,916 --> 00:05:45,833
I've always wondered,
literally,
155
00:05:45,916 --> 00:05:49,166
who on Earth uses
voice to text, and it's you.
156
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:50,791
[laughs]
This tracks so hard.
157
00:05:50,875 --> 00:05:52,291
- Shouldn't you be
in Sacramento?
158
00:05:52,375 --> 00:05:53,916
- Yeah, we're leaving in 20.
159
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,708
You know, I always thought
it was so weird
160
00:05:55,791 --> 00:05:57,625
how Sacramento
is the capital of California,
161
00:05:57,708 --> 00:05:59,333
like how Albany
is the capital of New York--
162
00:05:59,416 --> 00:06:02,125
- I hope it's worth it.
- What?
163
00:06:02,208 --> 00:06:03,666
- Do you know she made me
clear her schedule
164
00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:05,208
for the last two weeks?
165
00:06:05,291 --> 00:06:08,916
And Deborah's built
a loyal audience for years.
166
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,916
And that's the foundation
of our business, so...
167
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,708
this whole soul-baring thing
sounds very off-brand.
168
00:06:16,791 --> 00:06:20,875
- I guess, but...
isn't that kind of the point?
169
00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:23,166
- Potentially alienating
her fans, no.
170
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:24,625
I'm not sure
that should be the point.
171
00:06:24,708 --> 00:06:27,125
- Okay, well,
the new hour was her idea.
172
00:06:27,208 --> 00:06:29,958
And I think it's great
she wants to change.
173
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:32,125
- Oh, and Deborah's
gonna change?
174
00:06:32,208 --> 00:06:33,625
[scoffs]
Okay.
175
00:06:33,708 --> 00:06:35,375
- Ava, let's go!
176
00:06:35,458 --> 00:06:37,791
[dog barking]
177
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:38,958
- [chuckles]
178
00:06:43,583 --> 00:06:44,791
[message app chimes]
179
00:06:44,875 --> 00:06:46,958
- Delete winky face.
180
00:06:47,041 --> 00:06:49,166
[message app dings]
181
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:50,125
[sighs]
182
00:06:50,208 --> 00:06:52,125
[plane engine whooshing]
183
00:06:52,208 --> 00:06:55,166
[mellow music]
184
00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:56,458
♪ ♪
185
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,708
- Oh, they always
smell like this.
186
00:06:58,791 --> 00:07:01,250
- Bad?
- Yeah.
187
00:07:02,833 --> 00:07:06,208
Oh, my God.
- Oh, wow.
188
00:07:06,291 --> 00:07:08,208
- Oh, God.
[laughs]
189
00:07:08,291 --> 00:07:11,625
Oh, God.
I was so nervous then.
190
00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:13,708
I'd been doing stand-up
less than a year.
191
00:07:13,791 --> 00:07:16,083
- But people knew you
from your show, right?
192
00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:19,291
- Not as a stand-up, though.
I really had to prove myself.
193
00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:21,333
Every joke had to hit.
194
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:26,208
I kind of miss that, you know,
having to earn your laughs.
195
00:07:26,291 --> 00:07:28,833
When you get big, there's no
sense of excitement, you know?
196
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,625
No risk that people
are gonna hate you.
197
00:07:30,708 --> 00:07:32,833
- Hey, hey.
198
00:07:32,916 --> 00:07:35,500
Plenty of people
can still hate you.
199
00:07:35,583 --> 00:07:37,458
- That was good.
- [laughs]
200
00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:40,875
- Oh, wow.
[chuckles]
201
00:07:40,958 --> 00:07:42,916
I don't think they've changed
the carpet since I was here.
202
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,041
- [chuckles]
There she is, Deborah Vance.
203
00:07:46,125 --> 00:07:47,541
What's going on?
[whooshes]
204
00:07:47,625 --> 00:07:48,750
- Oh.
[chuckles]
205
00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:50,583
- Boom. Good to see you.
206
00:07:50,666 --> 00:07:52,500
Drew Higgins.
I'm hosting tonight.
207
00:07:52,583 --> 00:07:54,916
So I usually do my full set
at the end
208
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,458
but can't tonight
'cause you're here--
209
00:07:57,541 --> 00:08:00,208
real legend,
which is very cool.
210
00:08:00,291 --> 00:08:01,791
- Maybe I'll croak
halfway through,
211
00:08:01,875 --> 00:08:03,208
you can have the last
half hour, how's that?
212
00:08:03,291 --> 00:08:05,000
- That--that'd be great.
213
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:08,166
- So I'll take a light at 15
and another one at 5.
214
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,541
- Okay.
I will tell the booth, I guess.
215
00:08:10,625 --> 00:08:11,875
Oh, and there's a greenroom
in the back.
216
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:13,250
You can drop
all your shit there,
217
00:08:13,333 --> 00:08:16,000
and don't fuck it up.
218
00:08:17,250 --> 00:08:18,916
- Words to live by.
219
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,375
- I know that is not
Deborah Vance!
220
00:08:21,458 --> 00:08:22,750
- Oh!
221
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:24,250
- No, honey!
- [laughs]
222
00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:26,750
- That famous bitch
wouldn't be caught dead
223
00:08:26,833 --> 00:08:28,583
in a hellhole like this.
224
00:08:28,666 --> 00:08:30,291
- Oh, life is cruel, Francine.
- Oh!
225
00:08:30,375 --> 00:08:33,583
- Life is cruel.
- Let me look at you.
226
00:08:33,666 --> 00:08:35,791
Ugh!
You're incredible.
227
00:08:35,875 --> 00:08:37,625
- Well, I better look good!
I'm rich!
228
00:08:37,708 --> 00:08:39,125
- Oh!
[laughter]
229
00:08:39,208 --> 00:08:41,541
Well, let's grab a table
and talk some shit.
230
00:08:41,625 --> 00:08:45,291
Come on!
[laughter and chatter]
231
00:08:45,375 --> 00:08:47,333
- Hi, I'm Ava.
232
00:08:47,416 --> 00:08:50,541
[cell phone buzzing]
233
00:08:54,250 --> 00:08:56,375
- Hi.
- Nina, where is it?
234
00:08:56,458 --> 00:08:57,958
- Dennis! Jesus!
235
00:08:58,041 --> 00:08:59,750
It's right next to the Kleenex!
236
00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:01,083
- Mom?
- Christ.
237
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,916
Dad's saying
he's coming to visit you.
238
00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:05,750
Are you crazy?
He cannot come to visit you.
239
00:09:05,833 --> 00:09:07,625
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
I never--
240
00:09:07,708 --> 00:09:09,458
- I mean, it's ridiculous.
You know that he's not well.
241
00:09:09,541 --> 00:09:12,083
I mean, it can't happen.
It just can't happen!
242
00:09:12,166 --> 00:09:13,875
- Calm down.
I'm agreeing with you.
243
00:09:13,958 --> 00:09:15,666
I didn't ask him to come.
244
00:09:15,750 --> 00:09:17,458
He just seems to think
that he can.
245
00:09:17,541 --> 00:09:18,958
- Yeah, well, you know,
he's in denial.
246
00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:20,166
He can't even lift
his left arm.
247
00:09:20,250 --> 00:09:21,500
Yesterday he snapped at me
248
00:09:21,583 --> 00:09:23,166
when I told him
to let your cousin
249
00:09:23,250 --> 00:09:24,958
put the cover
on the outdoor couch.
250
00:09:25,041 --> 00:09:26,750
- You guys got
an outdoor couch?
251
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:28,666
- Mm.
It's IKEA, we'll see.
252
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:31,166
Listen, why don't you
come home this weekend
253
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:33,000
and stay for a week?
254
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,291
He'll get to see you.
255
00:09:34,375 --> 00:09:36,125
He'll forget all about
this trip thing.
256
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:38,916
And then we can get you in with
Dr. Taline for your physical.
257
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,666
- Mom, I'm 25.
258
00:09:40,750 --> 00:09:42,250
I can't see
a pediatrician anymore.
259
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:44,000
Plus, I can't just
drop everything
260
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,458
and fly across the country.
261
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:48,000
- Dr. Taline is wonderful,
and your father--
262
00:09:48,083 --> 00:09:49,333
- I know you told him
he can't travel,
263
00:09:49,416 --> 00:09:50,791
but I don't know,
tell him again.
264
00:09:50,875 --> 00:09:51,833
- I can't find it!
265
00:09:51,916 --> 00:09:53,458
- Christ on the cross, Dennis!
266
00:09:53,541 --> 00:09:58,250
I said it's right next
to the Kleenex!
267
00:09:58,333 --> 00:09:59,708
Ava...
- Okay, okay.
268
00:09:59,791 --> 00:10:01,166
- He'll listen to you.
I love you.
269
00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:02,416
- I gotta go. Bye.
- I'll see you--
270
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,000
Hey! Hey! Hey!
[dog barking]
271
00:10:04,083 --> 00:10:06,333
God damn it!
That neighbor's dog.
272
00:10:06,416 --> 00:10:08,333
[crickets chirping]
273
00:10:08,416 --> 00:10:10,750
[sultry music playing
over speakers]
274
00:10:10,833 --> 00:10:12,833
- Hello!
275
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:14,958
Aww, baby, charcuterie!
276
00:10:15,041 --> 00:10:16,541
- Mom, what are you doing here?
277
00:10:16,625 --> 00:10:18,458
- I DM'ed you last night.
278
00:10:18,541 --> 00:10:20,333
I ordered the Royal Rumble
on pay-per-view.
279
00:10:20,416 --> 00:10:22,958
- On my TV?
I offered to get you cable.
280
00:10:23,041 --> 00:10:25,833
- Baby, quit acting brand-new.
You know I'm a cord cutter.
281
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:27,208
Where's the remote?
282
00:10:27,291 --> 00:10:29,000
- Okay, Mom,
you can't be here right now.
283
00:10:29,083 --> 00:10:31,916
- Says the boy who squatted
in my uterus for ten months?
284
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,833
[doorbell rings]
285
00:10:34,916 --> 00:10:36,666
Oh, shit.
286
00:10:38,958 --> 00:10:40,833
Oh.
[clears throat]
287
00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:44,666
- Wow.
288
00:10:46,041 --> 00:10:47,500
Okay.
Mom, this is Wilson.
289
00:10:47,583 --> 00:10:48,916
Wilson, my mother, Robin.
290
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,250
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
291
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:53,708
Okay, I love him.
292
00:10:53,791 --> 00:10:55,375
Marcus, don't fuck this up.
293
00:10:55,458 --> 00:10:57,083
- Mom.
- Hon.
294
00:10:57,166 --> 00:10:58,583
What's it, Wilson?
- Yes. Yeah.
295
00:10:58,666 --> 00:11:01,250
- Come sit.
- Oh, thank you. [chuckles]
296
00:11:01,333 --> 00:11:04,208
- Wilson...you like weed?
297
00:11:04,291 --> 00:11:07,333
- Oh, yes,
but I'm good right now.
298
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:08,583
Thank you.
- Okay.
299
00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:10,333
Well, we are just about
to watch
300
00:11:10,416 --> 00:11:11,583
the Royal Rumble!
301
00:11:11,666 --> 00:11:13,250
- We're not.
- Wait, WWE?
302
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:14,666
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
303
00:11:14,750 --> 00:11:17,708
I was obsessed with the divas
in middle school.
304
00:11:17,791 --> 00:11:18,875
- Really?
- Oh, my God.
305
00:11:18,958 --> 00:11:21,750
Ivory, Lita, Jacqueline.
- Mm-hmm!
306
00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:24,875
- Oh, and Trish Stratus?
Oh, she was everything.
307
00:11:24,958 --> 00:11:27,666
- Child, now, that girl
had quite the chest.
308
00:11:27,750 --> 00:11:29,750
- That chest postponed
my coming out,
309
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:31,916
I swear, for at least a year.
- Stop it, girl!
310
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,416
- Okay, all right,
I think Wilson and I
311
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:35,541
actually are going to go out
for dinner.
312
00:11:35,625 --> 00:11:37,791
- Oh. All right. Okay.
- Yes. Yes.
313
00:11:37,875 --> 00:11:40,583
- Well, Robin, it was
a pleasure to meet you.
314
00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:41,916
- And the next time
we get together,
315
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,541
we're gonna talk about
the Bella Twins.
316
00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:45,000
Do you know that they had
their baby a day apart?
317
00:11:45,083 --> 00:11:46,500
- Mm-hmm.
- Now, that's some crazy shit.
318
00:11:46,583 --> 00:11:48,291
- It was crazy.
- It was crazy, right?
319
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,916
- Good night, good night, Mom.
- Okay, I'm not the only one.
320
00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:52,125
- Good night.
- Have a good time!
321
00:11:52,208 --> 00:11:53,458
Get ready to rumble!
322
00:11:53,541 --> 00:11:54,833
[laughter]
323
00:11:54,916 --> 00:11:56,833
- I know, I can't believe it.
324
00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:58,375
- How do you two
know each other?
325
00:11:58,458 --> 00:12:02,041
- Oh, we used to see each other
at all the clubs.
326
00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:04,333
But I never spoke
to Ms. Deb.
327
00:12:04,416 --> 00:12:06,958
She was scary.
- What?
328
00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:08,458
- Me?
- No.
329
00:12:08,541 --> 00:12:10,708
- Plus, she was the lady
from the TV show.
330
00:12:10,791 --> 00:12:13,958
At that time,
I was dating this jerk.
331
00:12:14,041 --> 00:12:17,541
And one night
after a really bad set,
332
00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:21,333
I was practically
carrying him to my car.
333
00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:22,958
He was a blackout drunk.
334
00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:26,625
And Ms. Deb helped me
load him into my back seat.
335
00:12:26,708 --> 00:12:28,083
- Should have been
in the trunk.
336
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:30,291
- Oh, yes!
[laughter]
337
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,500
She told me to drop his ass.
338
00:12:32,583 --> 00:12:36,375
And after I did,
she took me on tour with her.
339
00:12:36,458 --> 00:12:38,500
- It was just so I could drive
in the carpool lane.
340
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,000
- [laughs]
You bitch.
341
00:12:40,083 --> 00:12:42,500
[laughter]
- You ladies ready to order?
342
00:12:42,583 --> 00:12:46,416
- Can I get a coffee with--
do you guys have oat milk?
343
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,333
- No.
344
00:12:48,416 --> 00:12:49,541
- Do you have soy?
345
00:12:49,625 --> 00:12:51,208
- No, sorry.
346
00:12:51,291 --> 00:12:52,958
- Oh, God!
347
00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:56,500
The entitled millennial
is gonna have to drink 2%.
348
00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:59,541
Emergency!
Somebody get an EpiPen!
349
00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:02,708
[laughter]
350
00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:06,833
- Oh, God, that is rich.
351
00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,833
Tell me, what exactly
do people think
352
00:13:08,916 --> 00:13:10,791
millennials are entitled to?
353
00:13:10,875 --> 00:13:12,333
- Oh, God, here we go.
- Huh?
354
00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:14,375
Expensive-ass health care?
355
00:13:14,458 --> 00:13:17,625
The planet ruined
by ignoring climate change?
356
00:13:17,708 --> 00:13:19,833
Yeah, the only thing
millennials are entitled to
357
00:13:19,916 --> 00:13:21,458
is our future grandchildren
358
00:13:21,541 --> 00:13:23,250
running around
the desert hellscape
359
00:13:23,333 --> 00:13:25,583
sucking shriveled dicks
for water or whatever.
360
00:13:25,666 --> 00:13:30,166
And also, most importantly,
I'm Gen Z, okay?
361
00:13:30,250 --> 00:13:32,583
There are millennials
who are, like, 40.
362
00:13:33,833 --> 00:13:35,916
- So what about black?
363
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,083
[laughter]
364
00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:40,875
- Yeah, that's great.
Thank you.
365
00:13:40,958 --> 00:13:43,125
[upbeat music]
366
00:13:43,208 --> 00:13:45,541
- You know, I would have been
more than happy
367
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,833
to smoke weed with your mom.
368
00:13:46,916 --> 00:13:47,916
- Oh, God, you would have
got nothing
369
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,166
because she hogs it all.
370
00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:50,791
- [laughs]
Are you guys close?
371
00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:52,416
- We are now,
but when I first came out,
372
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,375
she was way less supportive
than my Dad, weirdly.
373
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:58,000
And after he died, she went way
too far in the other direction.
374
00:13:58,083 --> 00:14:00,458
I mean, she got me poppers for
a stocking stuffer one year.
375
00:14:00,541 --> 00:14:01,791
- No!
- Yes.
376
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,541
And, oh, get this,
the other day,
377
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:06,416
I overheard her telling
her friend that I'm a vers top.
378
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,958
- Wait, did you tell her?
- No!
379
00:14:08,041 --> 00:14:10,833
Oh, God.
[laughter]
380
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:12,125
- [cackles]
381
00:14:12,208 --> 00:14:15,250
- Oh! You know
who finally died? Ira.
382
00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:16,750
- Aww.
383
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,083
Now, there's someone
I'm gonna have to try to avoid
384
00:14:18,166 --> 00:14:19,833
when I get to hell.
- [laughs]
385
00:14:19,916 --> 00:14:21,958
I was gonna call you
about his funeral,
386
00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:23,625
but then I remembered
your rule.
387
00:14:23,708 --> 00:14:25,666
- I don't do funerals.
- No funerals.
388
00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:28,333
- Who was Ira?
389
00:14:28,416 --> 00:14:29,750
- Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira.
390
00:14:29,833 --> 00:14:32,000
Ira was the proprietor
of this club.
391
00:14:32,083 --> 00:14:33,958
- We would have to slide
onto the stage
392
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,583
with our backs
against the wall
393
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:38,958
so he wouldn't grab our asses
on the way up.
394
00:14:39,041 --> 00:14:40,250
[laughter]
395
00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:43,208
- Oh, my God, ew.
- Oh, that was nothing.
396
00:14:43,291 --> 00:14:45,625
I'm convinced he and Cosby
had the same pharmacist.
397
00:14:45,708 --> 00:14:47,000
- Oh! Now, you know he used
398
00:14:47,083 --> 00:14:48,500
to make the new girls
sit on his lap
399
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,250
before he would give them
their paychecks?
400
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,666
- That's why they called him
Old Saint Dick, you know.
401
00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:54,791
[laughter]
402
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:58,750
- Well, anyway, he's dead now.
- Oh, God.
403
00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:01,041
- Dessert, anyone?
404
00:15:01,125 --> 00:15:02,791
- Rock climbing in toe shoes.
- No.
405
00:15:02,875 --> 00:15:04,125
- Okay.
406
00:15:04,208 --> 00:15:05,833
- We don't wear toe shoes
for rock climbing.
407
00:15:05,916 --> 00:15:07,291
But yes, I do own a pair.
408
00:15:07,375 --> 00:15:08,875
- Well, you do you,
I don't kink shame.
409
00:15:08,958 --> 00:15:11,458
- Oh, there's no shame.
My toes are beautiful.
410
00:15:11,541 --> 00:15:13,791
[laughs]
- Yes, they are. God.
411
00:15:13,875 --> 00:15:15,583
- You know,
I'm actually going to Zion
412
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:16,708
next week to go bouldering.
413
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,000
- Oh, great.
- Mm-hmm.
414
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:19,291
- I've never been.
It sounds lovely.
415
00:15:19,375 --> 00:15:21,000
I'd love to go.
- Oh, great.
416
00:15:21,083 --> 00:15:22,333
- Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
417
00:15:22,416 --> 00:15:24,750
I didn't mean to just--
I meant sometime.
418
00:15:24,833 --> 00:15:27,500
I didn't want to just fully
invite myself to your trip.
419
00:15:27,583 --> 00:15:28,666
Unless...
- No, no, no.
420
00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:30,500
Okay, so I wanted
to invite you.
421
00:15:30,583 --> 00:15:32,875
I just didn't want to seem like
I was coming on too strong.
422
00:15:32,958 --> 00:15:35,500
So you want to come?
423
00:15:35,583 --> 00:15:37,375
- Well, it's not like anybody's
gonna miss me at work,
424
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:40,833
so...yeah, let's do it.
425
00:15:40,916 --> 00:15:42,500
- You are going to love it.
426
00:15:42,583 --> 00:15:44,500
Nothing as far as the eye
can see, and, like,
427
00:15:44,583 --> 00:15:47,750
there's barely any
cell service, no distractions.
428
00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:49,583
Just us.
429
00:15:49,666 --> 00:15:51,791
- Cool, cool.
430
00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:53,375
[clears throat]
I--
431
00:15:53,458 --> 00:15:54,833
You know, I'm just gonna
wash my hands
432
00:15:54,916 --> 00:15:55,958
before the entrées come.
433
00:15:56,041 --> 00:15:58,833
- Oh, okay.
- Be right back.
434
00:16:02,125 --> 00:16:04,166
- Oh, that's good.
435
00:16:07,708 --> 00:16:09,500
- Hey, could you hurry, please?
- Yep.
436
00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:10,916
- Thank you.
437
00:16:11,958 --> 00:16:13,958
[car door slams,
engine turns over]
438
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,958
[soft music]
439
00:16:17,041 --> 00:16:24,125
♪ ♪
440
00:16:25,125 --> 00:16:27,083
Yeah, sorry, could you--
441
00:16:27,166 --> 00:16:29,166
could you actually
park it again?
442
00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:32,250
- For real?
- Yeah, sorry.
443
00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:34,208
Here.
Thank you.
444
00:16:34,291 --> 00:16:41,375
♪ ♪
445
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:43,666
Sorry.
446
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:49,666
So...camping.
[chuckles]
447
00:16:49,750 --> 00:16:51,416
How do I protect myself
from bears?
448
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,083
- Oh.
449
00:16:53,166 --> 00:16:55,125
You can't.
450
00:16:55,208 --> 00:16:57,416
It's okay.
I'll protect you.
451
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,750
- I'm much bigger than you.
I think it's up to me.
452
00:16:59,833 --> 00:17:01,666
- Mm.
You're gonna protect me?
453
00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:05,083
- No, we're both gonna die.
[laughter]
454
00:17:05,166 --> 00:17:06,666
- God.
455
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,750
- Okay, so I'm gonna go
from DJ's first overdose
456
00:17:11,833 --> 00:17:14,291
to the broken foot
and then do a callback
457
00:17:14,375 --> 00:17:16,750
to DJ's second overdose, okay.
458
00:17:16,833 --> 00:17:18,875
So I'm gonna close with--
459
00:17:18,958 --> 00:17:21,583
I don't know, the hysterectomy
scare or double foreclosure?
460
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:25,041
I mean, really, which
do you think is punchier?
461
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,375
- Sorry, what?
462
00:17:26,458 --> 00:17:28,625
- Hey, will you
pay attention, please?
463
00:17:28,708 --> 00:17:30,625
- I'm just thinking
about that Ira guy.
464
00:17:30,708 --> 00:17:32,458
- Eh, what are you gonna do?
465
00:17:32,541 --> 00:17:35,666
Okay, so I know we planned on
ending with double foreclosure,
466
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,125
but is hysterectomy stronger?
467
00:17:37,208 --> 00:17:38,916
- I know it was, like,
the time and everything,
468
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,000
but I'm still--
I'm just mad for you.
469
00:17:41,083 --> 00:17:43,166
- Well, if I'm not upset
about it, you shouldn't be.
470
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:45,625
- Yeah, but I mean,
it's upsetting, you know?
471
00:17:45,708 --> 00:17:48,291
Like, I'm really glad
that you weren't affected,
472
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,083
but I'm sure a lot
of other women were
473
00:17:50,166 --> 00:17:52,041
and, like, stopped doing comedy
474
00:17:52,125 --> 00:17:54,291
'cause they were scared of,
you know,
475
00:17:54,375 --> 00:17:56,458
getting finger-blasted
in the greenroom or whatever.
476
00:17:56,541 --> 00:17:58,083
- I was affected.
477
00:17:58,166 --> 00:17:59,625
You know, it pissed me off
that I had to deal with that,
478
00:17:59,708 --> 00:18:01,083
and then he gets to take credit
for me?
479
00:18:01,166 --> 00:18:03,125
Put my photo up
on his fucking wall?
480
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:05,166
But life goes on.
Now, which is funnier,
481
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,750
double foreclosure
or hysterectomy?
482
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:08,916
- Double foreclosure.
- Thank you.
483
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,333
[performer speaking
unintelligibly]
484
00:18:11,416 --> 00:18:12,666
[audience laughing]
485
00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:14,500
- I'm sorry,
I don't mean to, like,
486
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:16,083
victim blame at all.
487
00:18:16,166 --> 00:18:18,541
I'm just wondering, like,
488
00:18:18,625 --> 00:18:22,083
don't you think you should have
maybe reported him?
489
00:18:22,166 --> 00:18:24,875
- Ugh, Ira owned most of the
good venues on the West Coast.
490
00:18:24,958 --> 00:18:26,458
It was a real boys' club.
491
00:18:26,541 --> 00:18:28,833
I couldn't afford
to burn that bridge.
492
00:18:28,916 --> 00:18:31,666
- Oh, so you were just looking
out for your own career, then?
493
00:18:31,750 --> 00:18:33,666
[audience laughing]
494
00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:35,458
- What are you accusing me of?
- Nothing.
495
00:18:35,541 --> 00:18:37,416
- I helped a lot of people.
496
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,333
I wasn't perfect,
but I did what I could.
497
00:18:39,416 --> 00:18:41,166
- Yeah, but then
you got rich and famous.
498
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,958
You could have
come after him then.
499
00:18:43,041 --> 00:18:45,166
Instead you just worked your
way up the ladder and then--
500
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,083
- Oh, God.
501
00:18:47,166 --> 00:18:49,250
Now you're accusing me
of being a ladder puller?
502
00:18:49,333 --> 00:18:51,083
Please! Just by getting up
on that stage,
503
00:18:51,166 --> 00:18:54,458
I gave other women
more than I ever had.
504
00:18:54,541 --> 00:18:57,333
Forget the ladder, I built
a marble fucking staircase!
505
00:18:57,416 --> 00:18:59,291
It's not my job
to carry people up it.
506
00:19:00,708 --> 00:19:03,000
If you're not gonna help,
you can just leave.
507
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:07,625
Also, you're wrong.
Hysterectomy's funnier.
508
00:19:07,708 --> 00:19:09,791
I'm closing with that.
509
00:19:09,875 --> 00:19:13,041
[audience laughing]
510
00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:16,750
[cell phone buzzing]
511
00:19:25,458 --> 00:19:27,541
[cell phone buzzes]
512
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,041
- Hey. How's it going?
- Hi.
513
00:19:29,125 --> 00:19:30,958
- So how'd that flight look?
514
00:19:31,041 --> 00:19:33,666
Oh, and does your hotel
have a party pool?
515
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:35,583
- Yeah, it's basically
a giant toilet.
516
00:19:35,666 --> 00:19:40,125
But, Dad, I'm sorry.
You can't come to visit me.
517
00:19:40,208 --> 00:19:43,083
- Oh, come on, I told you.
I feel up for it.
518
00:19:43,166 --> 00:19:44,583
- No, it's not that, really.
519
00:19:44,666 --> 00:19:47,208
I'm just--
I'm just really busy.
520
00:19:47,291 --> 00:19:50,750
I'm working for Deborah, and...
521
00:19:50,833 --> 00:19:53,083
also, I have another
super secret project
522
00:19:53,166 --> 00:19:55,750
I'm not even actually
allowed to talk about,
523
00:19:55,833 --> 00:19:57,416
and I'm not gonna have
a lot of free time.
524
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,125
- Hey, that's not a problem.
525
00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:01,208
I can gamble all day,
and then we can just
526
00:20:01,291 --> 00:20:03,083
go out for dinner--
or lunch, even.
527
00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:05,166
What time's your lunch break?
- Dad, I told you.
528
00:20:05,250 --> 00:20:07,041
Writing is not, like,
a nine-to-five thing.
529
00:20:07,125 --> 00:20:09,125
I don't have a lunch break.
530
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,750
I'm sorry.
I can't.
531
00:20:10,833 --> 00:20:13,041
- Well, okay.
All right.
532
00:20:13,125 --> 00:20:16,958
Good thing I didn't buy the--
buy the flight.
533
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,166
- Yeah.
534
00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:24,166
- Okay, well,
I'll let you get back to work.
535
00:20:26,208 --> 00:20:28,250
Love you, bean.
536
00:20:28,333 --> 00:20:31,291
- Love you too.
537
00:20:31,375 --> 00:20:33,625
[inhales]
538
00:20:33,708 --> 00:20:35,750
[audience laughing]
539
00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,666
- Vance, you're on deck.
Crowd is hot.
540
00:20:37,750 --> 00:20:39,708
Everyone's crushing.
No presh.
541
00:20:40,708 --> 00:20:41,791
Yo.
- Hey.
542
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:43,750
- Great set.
Crowd loved you.
543
00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:45,125
- Thanks!
- Lesson learned for me.
544
00:20:45,208 --> 00:20:46,583
I should start wearing
low-cut shirts
545
00:20:46,666 --> 00:20:48,375
if I want to do that well.
- [chuckles]
546
00:20:48,458 --> 00:20:51,000
Well, you don't have tits
like mine, so...
547
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,333
- Well, believe me.
548
00:20:52,416 --> 00:20:54,083
I would do anything
for your tits.
549
00:20:54,166 --> 00:20:56,208
- 'Sup, bro?
- Oh, don't tell me
550
00:20:56,291 --> 00:20:59,041
that's bitch-ass Jack Junior
up in the house.
551
00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:02,208
- [scoffs]
552
00:21:04,416 --> 00:21:05,708
[audience laughing]
553
00:21:05,791 --> 00:21:08,666
[performer speaking
unintelligibly]
554
00:21:16,833 --> 00:21:19,250
- Thanks so much. Good night.
[cheers and applause]
555
00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:20,666
- All right.
556
00:21:20,750 --> 00:21:22,791
Guys, keep it going
for Little Sammy, huh?
557
00:21:22,875 --> 00:21:25,291
Let him hear it.
Come on! Yeah.
558
00:21:25,375 --> 00:21:28,833
Don't let him around your kids,
but that is one funny fucker.
559
00:21:28,916 --> 00:21:32,000
All right, guys, we have
a special headliner tonight.
560
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:35,416
Don't get too excited.
It's not Chappelle.
561
00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:38,166
A lot of people say
she's a crazy woman,
562
00:21:38,250 --> 00:21:39,750
but I'd never say that,
563
00:21:39,833 --> 00:21:42,541
'cause I think the term
"crazy woman" is redundant.
564
00:21:42,625 --> 00:21:44,250
[laughs]
You know?
565
00:21:44,333 --> 00:21:48,291
It's like saying "free gift"
or "gay male flight attendant."
566
00:21:48,375 --> 00:21:49,625
Right?
567
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:51,500
Anyway, she's got
an incredible set,
568
00:21:51,583 --> 00:21:54,416
and I think she's gonna
tell some jokes too.
569
00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:57,666
So you know who she is.
You love her.
570
00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,708
Your great-aunt
really loves her.
571
00:21:59,791 --> 00:22:03,291
Make it loud
for the OG female comedian,
572
00:22:03,375 --> 00:22:04,916
Deborah Vance!
573
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,125
[cheers and applause]
574
00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:15,458
- Thank you.
Thank you.
575
00:22:15,541 --> 00:22:18,041
That guy!
What a comic.
576
00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:19,875
I'm getting déjà vu.
577
00:22:19,958 --> 00:22:22,083
Where is he?
Drew, where are you?
578
00:22:22,166 --> 00:22:23,333
Oh, there he is.
579
00:22:23,416 --> 00:22:25,041
Hey, do you know
who George Carlin is?
580
00:22:25,125 --> 00:22:26,750
- Hell yeah.
581
00:22:26,833 --> 00:22:28,208
- You remind me
582
00:22:28,291 --> 00:22:30,750
of a turd
he once left in a greenroom.
583
00:22:30,833 --> 00:22:32,208
[laughter]
584
00:22:32,291 --> 00:22:33,958
Tell me, when you take
an STD test,
585
00:22:34,041 --> 00:22:35,375
does it just say "yes"?
586
00:22:35,458 --> 00:22:36,750
- Ooh!
- Uh-oh, I think
587
00:22:36,833 --> 00:22:38,208
she's got a crush on me!
588
00:22:38,291 --> 00:22:41,500
- Oh, there aren't enough
roofies in the world.
589
00:22:41,583 --> 00:22:44,333
A horse tranq couldn't get me
to give you a high five.
590
00:22:44,416 --> 00:22:46,750
- I got a horse tranq guy
if you want to kick it later.
591
00:22:46,833 --> 00:22:48,708
- Ooh!
592
00:22:48,791 --> 00:22:52,083
- Mm, yeah.
Funny guy, funny guy.
593
00:22:52,166 --> 00:22:54,458
So let me tell you all
what's going on here.
594
00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:57,708
He's pretending
to flirt with me.
595
00:22:57,791 --> 00:22:59,291
So I have two options.
596
00:22:59,375 --> 00:23:01,625
I can, you know, shoot him down
and not play along,
597
00:23:01,708 --> 00:23:04,791
but then I'm a bad sport
and not funny and a cold bitch,
598
00:23:04,875 --> 00:23:06,375
et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera.
599
00:23:06,458 --> 00:23:08,041
And if I do that,
then it's awkward,
600
00:23:08,125 --> 00:23:10,500
and it's gonna be hard
to win you back, right?
601
00:23:10,583 --> 00:23:13,625
Or I do play along,
602
00:23:13,708 --> 00:23:15,416
which, let's face it,
is easier,
603
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:18,791
and I'm sexualizing myself
on his terms--
604
00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:21,125
that guy wearing
the pleather hoodie.
605
00:23:21,208 --> 00:23:22,875
[laughter]
606
00:23:22,958 --> 00:23:24,041
- [scoffs]
607
00:23:24,125 --> 00:23:25,375
It's real.
It's real leather.
608
00:23:25,458 --> 00:23:28,041
It's real.
- So then my whole set
609
00:23:28,125 --> 00:23:30,000
becomes entirely
about a stranger
610
00:23:30,083 --> 00:23:31,875
who I find disgusting.
611
00:23:35,541 --> 00:23:37,791
God.
[laughs]
612
00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:39,500
You know, no matter
how long you're away,
613
00:23:39,583 --> 00:23:41,250
you come back, there's always
a Drew who's gonna
614
00:23:41,333 --> 00:23:43,083
talk about your tits
when he brings you out onstage.
615
00:23:43,166 --> 00:23:45,708
Death, taxes,
and this fucking guy.
616
00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:48,666
[scattered laughter]
617
00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:50,166
[sighs]
618
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:59,375
I wasn't gonna do this.
619
00:23:59,458 --> 00:24:02,000
I was gonna try out
some new stuff tonight.
620
00:24:02,083 --> 00:24:04,750
I didn't want to be
the butt of the joke.
621
00:24:04,833 --> 00:24:06,375
Because, quite frankly,
622
00:24:06,458 --> 00:24:09,166
I'm exhausted from beating
everybody else to the punch,
623
00:24:09,250 --> 00:24:11,666
but then you came up here
and did it for me.
624
00:24:11,750 --> 00:24:13,333
Fuck you.
- Oh.
625
00:24:13,416 --> 00:24:16,125
- Oh!
- Oh!
626
00:24:16,208 --> 00:24:18,708
- Why do you do that?
627
00:24:18,791 --> 00:24:20,208
I don't know your set,
628
00:24:20,291 --> 00:24:23,833
but I am sure
that you have nothing to say
629
00:24:23,916 --> 00:24:28,250
that hasn't already been said
on this stage a million times.
630
00:24:28,333 --> 00:24:31,416
When will you just stop?
631
00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:35,541
Seriously, what will it take
to make you just stop?
632
00:24:35,625 --> 00:24:36,750
- 69 million.
633
00:24:36,833 --> 00:24:38,041
[laughter]
634
00:24:38,125 --> 00:24:40,625
Right?
635
00:24:40,708 --> 00:24:43,333
- Yeah.
Man, he's clever.
636
00:24:43,416 --> 00:24:45,125
Well, no,
I'm not gonna do that,
637
00:24:45,208 --> 00:24:47,625
but how about...
638
00:24:47,708 --> 00:24:52,041
1.69 million?
639
00:24:52,125 --> 00:24:54,666
[audience gasps]
640
00:24:54,750 --> 00:24:56,250
I'm not joking.
641
00:24:56,333 --> 00:25:00,375
[audience murmuring]
642
00:25:00,458 --> 00:25:02,791
You're all my witnesses.
643
00:25:02,875 --> 00:25:05,750
I will write this man a check
644
00:25:05,833 --> 00:25:10,458
if he swears never to set foot
in a comedy club ever again.
645
00:25:10,541 --> 00:25:11,708
[laughter]
646
00:25:11,791 --> 00:25:13,250
You think he should
take the deal?
647
00:25:13,333 --> 00:25:17,541
[cheers and applause]
648
00:25:17,625 --> 00:25:21,500
- Are you for real?
- Yes.
649
00:25:21,583 --> 00:25:23,208
Unless, you know,
you think you're gonna
650
00:25:23,291 --> 00:25:26,875
make more than that
from your comedy career.
651
00:25:26,958 --> 00:25:28,416
I think he should take it.
652
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:31,625
[cheers and applause]
653
00:25:31,708 --> 00:25:33,750
- Take the money, bitch!
- Take it, bitch!
654
00:25:33,833 --> 00:25:38,166
[applause continues]
655
00:25:38,250 --> 00:25:41,708
- All right.
- All right!
656
00:25:41,791 --> 00:25:44,125
All right, Drew,
come on up here. Come on.
657
00:25:44,208 --> 00:25:46,416
You guys are recording this,
right? Right?
658
00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:49,375
I can't get rid of 'em all,
but I can get rid of one.
659
00:25:49,458 --> 00:25:52,791
Okay, now,
my very, very good lawyers
660
00:25:52,875 --> 00:25:54,750
are gonna draw this all up.
661
00:25:54,833 --> 00:25:57,625
And we'll shake on it.
Okay?
662
00:25:57,708 --> 00:26:02,458
I, Deborah Vance,
will give Drew $1.69 million
663
00:26:02,541 --> 00:26:08,708
so long as he agrees to never
set foot on a stage ever again.
664
00:26:10,041 --> 00:26:11,166
- Come on.
665
00:26:12,458 --> 00:26:13,541
- Come on.
666
00:26:13,625 --> 00:26:15,000
- Can I do a podcast?
- No.
667
00:26:15,083 --> 00:26:16,625
[laughter]
668
00:26:16,708 --> 00:26:20,833
And if you break the rules,
you pay me back double.
669
00:26:20,916 --> 00:26:23,833
[audience oohs]
- Do it.
670
00:26:28,250 --> 00:26:31,166
[cheers and applause]
671
00:26:31,250 --> 00:26:32,916
- Whoa!
672
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,500
- Good for you, Drew.
673
00:26:34,583 --> 00:26:37,083
Invest wisely, and you'll never
have to work again.
674
00:26:37,166 --> 00:26:38,500
But if you do,
I'm sure you'll be
675
00:26:38,583 --> 00:26:40,666
the third-funniest guy
in your office.
676
00:26:40,750 --> 00:26:42,625
[laughter]
Now get the fuck off my stage.
677
00:26:42,708 --> 00:26:45,791
[cheers and applause]
- Whoo!
678
00:26:45,875 --> 00:26:48,791
[dramatic music]
679
00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:50,166
♪ ♪
680
00:26:50,250 --> 00:26:52,041
- [chuckles]
681
00:26:52,125 --> 00:26:54,666
♪ ♪
682
00:26:54,750 --> 00:26:56,166
Ugh, seriously.
683
00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:58,916
- That was...incredible.
684
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,458
- No, it wasn't.
685
00:27:00,541 --> 00:27:02,208
I was supposed to try
the new material tonight.
686
00:27:02,291 --> 00:27:03,583
I blew it.
- Oh, my God.
687
00:27:03,666 --> 00:27:05,333
Who gives a fuck
about the new material?
688
00:27:05,416 --> 00:27:07,416
That was raw and honest.
689
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:10,458
You told the truth.
It was amazing.
690
00:27:10,541 --> 00:27:12,208
- It did feel
really fucking good.
691
00:27:12,291 --> 00:27:13,500
[laughter]
692
00:27:13,583 --> 00:27:15,041
- Debbie.
693
00:27:16,291 --> 00:27:18,416
- Kathy.
694
00:27:18,500 --> 00:27:23,083
- Could we just talk
for just a few minutes, please?
695
00:27:23,958 --> 00:27:25,750
- Ava, wait in the car.
696
00:27:31,375 --> 00:27:33,041
- Holy shit.
697
00:27:33,125 --> 00:27:37,000
Fuck, fuck, shit,
oh, my God, fuck, holy shit.
698
00:27:37,083 --> 00:27:38,666
Fuck.
699
00:27:38,750 --> 00:27:40,041
Shit.
700
00:27:41,583 --> 00:27:43,333
[sighs]
701
00:28:03,708 --> 00:28:04,958
How was that?
702
00:28:05,041 --> 00:28:07,750
- Fine.
- Oh, great.
703
00:28:18,375 --> 00:28:19,583
Watch out.
Watch out, watch out!
704
00:28:19,666 --> 00:28:21,583
Watch out! Slow down!
- [gasps]
705
00:28:21,666 --> 00:28:24,041
- Jesus Christ!
- Damn it!
706
00:28:24,125 --> 00:28:26,916
- Deborah!
- I knew she'd move.
707
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,666
Never forgive,
never forget, baby.
708
00:28:30,750 --> 00:28:33,625
[cackles]
709
00:28:33,708 --> 00:28:37,666
[plane engine whooshing]
710
00:28:52,541 --> 00:28:55,666
[FaceTime ringing]
711
00:29:02,208 --> 00:29:03,791
- [coughing]
712
00:29:03,875 --> 00:29:06,125
- Kayla?
- Oh, my God, sissy!
713
00:29:06,208 --> 00:29:08,083
Oh, my God, I just had
a full conversation
714
00:29:08,166 --> 00:29:09,916
with somebody who wasn't you.
715
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:12,166
So I had to FaceTime you.
Hello.
716
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,833
- Are you okay?
Do you need help?
717
00:29:13,916 --> 00:29:16,041
Why are you calling me?
What--
718
00:29:16,125 --> 00:29:17,625
- Oh, God.
719
00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:19,916
Do you know the British show
"The Bitter End"?
720
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:21,916
- Yeah, it's so good.
Why?
721
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:23,791
- So the creators
are making a new show,
722
00:29:23,875 --> 00:29:25,291
and I told them all about you
723
00:29:25,375 --> 00:29:26,875
and your experience
in Las Vegas,
724
00:29:26,958 --> 00:29:29,041
and they want to meet you,
girlfriend!
725
00:29:29,125 --> 00:29:30,875
- Oh, my God!
What?
726
00:29:30,958 --> 00:29:32,708
That's amazing!
- [laughs]
727
00:29:32,791 --> 00:29:34,916
Can you believe?
I'm like, okay,
728
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:38,125
I'm making things happen
for other people.
729
00:29:38,208 --> 00:29:40,166
- Wait, wait,
you told them about me?
730
00:29:40,250 --> 00:29:42,500
- I mean, Jimmy told me
to take more initiative,
731
00:29:42,583 --> 00:29:45,500
so I sent them your stuff
and they loved it.
732
00:29:45,583 --> 00:29:47,500
They're, like,
totally freaking out.
733
00:29:47,583 --> 00:29:49,250
They want to meet you
before they go...
734
00:29:49,333 --> 00:29:51,375
[with British accent]
Across the pond again.
735
00:29:51,458 --> 00:29:52,833
- Holy shit.
736
00:29:52,916 --> 00:29:54,375
- [normally]
Yeah, so don't tell Jimmy,
737
00:29:54,458 --> 00:29:57,208
but can you be in LA
Friday morning?
738
00:29:57,291 --> 00:29:59,750
[suspenseful music]
739
00:29:59,833 --> 00:30:00,750
- Um...
740
00:30:00,833 --> 00:30:07,916
♪ ♪