1 00:00:06,808 --> 00:00:09,745 {\an8}I did a benefit with Shaquille O'Neal yesterday. 2 00:00:09,769 --> 00:00:11,265 Oh, yeah? 3 00:00:11,355 --> 00:00:12,957 Yeah. And I swear to God, 4 00:00:12,981 --> 00:00:15,150 your hands are bigger than his. 5 00:00:17,068 --> 00:00:20,173 Should I do stock market? 6 00:00:20,197 --> 00:00:23,050 Yes. Why the hell wouldn't you? 7 00:00:23,074 --> 00:00:24,802 I like having all my money in checking, 8 00:00:24,826 --> 00:00:26,221 so when I get a receipt at the ATM, 9 00:00:26,245 --> 00:00:28,223 I see a high number. 10 00:00:28,247 --> 00:00:30,350 And, uh... Deborah? 11 00:00:30,374 --> 00:00:33,102 Oh, sorry. I... 12 00:00:33,126 --> 00:00:35,355 I've been approached about doing a podcast. 13 00:00:35,379 --> 00:00:38,649 I got to say, very impressed you don't have one. 14 00:00:38,673 --> 00:00:40,693 I know, right? 15 00:00:40,717 --> 00:00:42,552 Thank you so much. 16 00:00:44,179 --> 00:00:46,181 No, no, thank you. 17 00:00:48,642 --> 00:00:51,662 I'm cooking dinner for Ruby tonight. 18 00:00:51,686 --> 00:00:54,308 Did you know you can make dressing? 19 00:00:54,398 --> 00:00:57,042 It doesn't just come as dressing in a bottle. 20 00:00:57,066 --> 00:00:58,711 Of course. 21 00:00:58,735 --> 00:01:00,880 I travel with my own balsamic. 22 00:01:00,904 --> 00:01:02,882 I'd be selling it, too, if goddamn Newman 23 00:01:02,906 --> 00:01:04,199 hadn't cornered the market. 24 00:01:07,452 --> 00:01:08,953 Sorry. Sorry. 25 00:01:12,957 --> 00:01:14,477 What time were you born? 26 00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:15,978 I wanna look at your birth chart to see 27 00:01:16,002 --> 00:01:18,523 what houses your planets are in. 28 00:01:18,547 --> 00:01:19,940 Don't know, but I can tell you 29 00:01:19,964 --> 00:01:21,734 what cities my houses are in 30 00:01:21,758 --> 00:01:23,736 uh, Vegas, Aspen, LA, 31 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,155 Jackson Hole, Palm Beach, 32 00:01:25,179 --> 00:01:27,431 and if penthouses count, Dubai. 33 00:01:28,890 --> 00:01:31,244 Remind me, do you observe Lent? 34 00:01:31,268 --> 00:01:33,413 Absolutely not. 35 00:01:33,437 --> 00:01:35,063 Do you? 36 00:01:37,816 --> 00:01:39,353 Hi, honey, it's Josefina. 37 00:01:39,443 --> 00:01:40,920 Deborah took an Ambien 38 00:01:40,944 --> 00:01:43,464 but will text you in the morning, 39 00:01:43,488 --> 00:01:46,676 or in the afternoon if it was 20 milligrams. 40 00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:48,160 Good night. 41 00:02:01,673 --> 00:02:04,527 Hey, quiet on set. We're close. 42 00:02:04,551 --> 00:02:07,488 Hey, Deborah, I'm Mark, the first AD. 43 00:02:07,512 --> 00:02:08,823 - Yeah. - We're almost ready to go. 44 00:02:08,847 --> 00:02:10,384 We're just waiting on the fountains. 45 00:02:10,474 --> 00:02:12,493 Can we get your stand-in so you're out of the sun? 46 00:02:12,517 --> 00:02:14,287 Oh, no, it's fine, baby. I've got an umbrella coming in. 47 00:02:14,311 --> 00:02:15,687 - Okay. - Move it! 48 00:02:18,482 --> 00:02:19,917 Hi. 49 00:02:19,941 --> 00:02:21,544 - Hi. - Thanks. 50 00:02:21,568 --> 00:02:23,338 So I bumped into the booker for late night, 51 00:02:23,362 --> 00:02:25,798 and he said again how much they'd love to have you on. 52 00:02:25,822 --> 00:02:27,049 Eh, no. 53 00:02:27,073 --> 00:02:28,343 I-I got too much going on. 54 00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:30,636 Really? Because you did make time 55 00:02:30,660 --> 00:02:33,264 to do this ad for the Vegas Chamber of Commerce. 56 00:02:33,288 --> 00:02:35,808 I love Vegas. I love commerce. 57 00:02:35,832 --> 00:02:37,560 Let's just pass on it for now. 58 00:02:37,584 --> 00:02:39,187 This is the fourth time they've asked. 59 00:02:39,211 --> 00:02:40,855 And your special was a year ago now. 60 00:02:40,879 --> 00:02:42,315 They're not gonna ask again, 61 00:02:42,339 --> 00:02:43,858 and I really think this is the moment. 62 00:02:43,882 --> 00:02:45,443 - The answer is no. - No means no, Jimmy. 63 00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:46,736 Get over it. 64 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:48,196 I got you, girl. 65 00:02:48,220 --> 00:02:51,532 Okay, yes, but I need you to explain why. 66 00:02:51,556 --> 00:02:52,783 I can't keep passing 67 00:02:52,807 --> 00:02:54,369 on something that I think as your manager 68 00:02:54,393 --> 00:02:55,870 you should be doing. 69 00:02:55,894 --> 00:02:59,624 That's the show I almost hosted, Jimmy. 70 00:02:59,648 --> 00:03:03,211 After my special, everybody knows how badly I wanted that. 71 00:03:03,235 --> 00:03:06,088 So if I go on the show and I don't kill 72 00:03:06,112 --> 00:03:08,133 it's like, you know, of course she isn't hosting. 73 00:03:08,157 --> 00:03:10,676 She's not even a good guest. 74 00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:12,345 Oh. 75 00:03:12,369 --> 00:03:13,929 What? 76 00:03:13,953 --> 00:03:15,848 That's just kind of lame of you. 77 00:03:15,872 --> 00:03:17,267 Excuse me? 78 00:03:17,291 --> 00:03:19,185 Spicy boy. 79 00:03:19,209 --> 00:03:21,103 Deborah, of course you're gonna kill. 80 00:03:21,127 --> 00:03:22,772 You always kill. All you need to do 81 00:03:22,796 --> 00:03:24,649 is tell a good story, and I bet you have binders 82 00:03:24,673 --> 00:03:27,485 full of amazing stories to tell. 83 00:03:27,509 --> 00:03:29,463 - Rolodexes. - See? All right, you know, 84 00:03:29,553 --> 00:03:31,239 I'm just gonna tell 'em you're gonna do it, unless you want me 85 00:03:31,263 --> 00:03:32,948 to offer them Vanna White singing "We Are The World." 86 00:03:32,972 --> 00:03:34,784 In C flat. Do you guys want to hear it? 87 00:03:34,808 --> 00:03:36,827 She sent me a voice memo of the whole thing. 88 00:03:36,851 --> 00:03:38,704 No. 89 00:03:38,728 --> 00:03:40,122 Fine, I'll do it. 90 00:03:40,146 --> 00:03:41,291 - Tell them I'll do it. - Yes. 91 00:03:41,315 --> 00:03:42,708 Okay, this is a good decision 92 00:03:42,732 --> 00:03:44,419 that was very simple. I'm glad we... 93 00:03:44,443 --> 00:03:45,420 - We're ready! - Worked it out. 94 00:03:45,444 --> 00:03:46,629 Okay, we're ready. 95 00:03:46,653 --> 00:03:48,923 - Break a leg, girl. - Whoo! 96 00:03:48,947 --> 00:03:51,176 We're ready. 97 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,678 - Background. - Background! 98 00:03:53,702 --> 00:03:54,679 And action. 99 00:03:54,703 --> 00:03:56,681 The shopping! 100 00:03:56,705 --> 00:03:58,492 Cut. 101 00:03:58,582 --> 00:04:02,102 We got it. That is a wrap on Deborah. 102 00:04:02,126 --> 00:04:03,979 - Hey, hey, eye. - What? Are you okay? 103 00:04:04,003 --> 00:04:05,815 - Watch my eye. Yeah. - Jimmy, where's the car? 104 00:04:05,839 --> 00:04:07,775 - It's right over here. - Come here, queen. 105 00:04:07,799 --> 00:04:09,718 All right, we had them double-park. 106 00:04:26,025 --> 00:04:28,087 Okay, so Tripadvisor is... 107 00:04:28,111 --> 00:04:29,297 Oh, my God, can I just have... 108 00:04:29,321 --> 00:04:30,715 - Oh. - Like, one second? 109 00:04:30,739 --> 00:04:32,157 Yeah, sorry. 110 00:04:36,370 --> 00:04:38,205 Okay, so Tripadvisor is... 111 00:04:40,999 --> 00:04:43,353 Sorry, but if we want to stay in a gligloo 112 00:04:43,377 --> 00:04:45,146 when we're in Iceland, all the reviews are saying 113 00:04:45,170 --> 00:04:46,772 that we need to book now. 114 00:04:46,796 --> 00:04:48,065 A gligloo? 115 00:04:48,089 --> 00:04:49,609 - Glam igloo. - Oh. 116 00:04:49,633 --> 00:04:51,361 - Could be chic. - Mm-hmm. 117 00:04:51,385 --> 00:04:54,489 I know the show hasn't given you your dates yet, but... 118 00:04:54,513 --> 00:04:56,366 Just book it. 119 00:04:56,390 --> 00:04:58,576 - Are you sure? - Yeah. 120 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,554 Let's do whatever you want. 121 00:05:00,644 --> 00:05:03,122 You're spending your whole hiatus where I'm shooting. 122 00:05:03,146 --> 00:05:05,250 I'll tell them they have to work around it, 123 00:05:05,274 --> 00:05:06,709 and they'll just have to deal. 124 00:05:06,733 --> 00:05:08,378 Okay. 125 00:05:08,402 --> 00:05:12,364 Very hot number-one-on-the- call-sheet energy, baby. 126 00:05:26,420 --> 00:05:27,980 Deborah, right here. 127 00:05:28,004 --> 00:05:31,609 We've got Arnold, Carmen, and Carmen's cousin. 128 00:05:31,633 --> 00:05:32,652 Arnold. 129 00:05:32,676 --> 00:05:33,819 Oh, my goodness. 130 00:05:33,843 --> 00:05:35,238 Oh, and the cousins are here. 131 00:05:35,262 --> 00:05:36,989 Hey, Deborah, looking gorgeous. 132 00:05:37,013 --> 00:05:38,783 Can you just write, to Kevin, 133 00:05:38,807 --> 00:05:41,827 congrats on your gastric bypass. 134 00:05:41,851 --> 00:05:44,414 - Hope this one sticks, honey. - Oh, thank you so much. 135 00:05:44,438 --> 00:05:46,666 Deb, I found out our dogs go to the same groomer. 136 00:05:46,690 --> 00:05:48,793 - What's this? - It's a candle. 137 00:05:48,817 --> 00:05:50,128 This is two chins ago. 138 00:05:50,152 --> 00:05:51,129 I never would have approved this. 139 00:05:51,153 --> 00:05:52,213 Where'd you get it? 140 00:05:52,237 --> 00:05:53,464 I bought it off of Etsy. 141 00:05:53,488 --> 00:05:54,965 Who the fuck is Betsy? 142 00:05:54,989 --> 00:05:56,926 No, Etsy, it's a website. 143 00:05:56,950 --> 00:05:58,719 There's a lot of DV merch on there. 144 00:05:58,743 --> 00:06:00,805 I actually just bought a replica 145 00:06:00,829 --> 00:06:03,015 of your birth certificate. 146 00:06:03,039 --> 00:06:04,517 Damien! 147 00:06:04,541 --> 00:06:06,144 - I'm right here. - Did you know about this? 148 00:06:06,168 --> 00:06:07,520 No. 149 00:06:07,544 --> 00:06:09,128 I'm taking this. 150 00:06:11,005 --> 00:06:14,050 She took my candle. 151 00:06:15,802 --> 00:06:17,179 Let's call Grandma. 152 00:06:29,358 --> 00:06:30,710 And what are these? 153 00:06:30,734 --> 00:06:32,587 These are websites I printed out. 154 00:06:32,611 --> 00:06:34,839 Oh. Good? 155 00:06:34,863 --> 00:06:37,342 Do you know how many sellers there are on Etsy 156 00:06:37,366 --> 00:06:40,094 making a profit off my name and likeness? 157 00:06:40,118 --> 00:06:41,804 - I don't. - Look at this first one. 158 00:06:41,828 --> 00:06:43,723 This is a throw pillow. 159 00:06:43,747 --> 00:06:46,976 Okay, it says, tax loopholes are my love language. 160 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,270 Now, that's true, but, I mean, I didn't authorize this. 161 00:06:49,294 --> 00:06:50,664 Did you? 162 00:06:50,754 --> 00:06:52,482 No, but now I want this pillow. 163 00:06:52,506 --> 00:06:54,900 It's not funny, Marcus. This needs to stop now. 164 00:06:54,924 --> 00:06:56,777 Okay, okay, I'll get on it. 165 00:06:56,801 --> 00:06:58,196 Look at this. 166 00:06:58,220 --> 00:06:59,739 It's a coffee cup that says, 167 00:06:59,763 --> 00:07:03,159 I'm so old, I went apple picking with Eve. 168 00:07:03,183 --> 00:07:05,977 I mean, I like the joke, but I hate that font. 169 00:07:41,054 --> 00:07:43,432 Okay. 170 00:08:12,294 --> 00:08:13,646 Okay. 171 00:08:13,670 --> 00:08:15,606 This is your last late night story. 172 00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:17,483 You've gone through the whole Rolodex? 173 00:08:17,507 --> 00:08:21,070 Uh-huh. It's USO debacle in Germany. 174 00:08:21,094 --> 00:08:22,947 That's a good one, but that hinges 175 00:08:22,971 --> 00:08:24,907 on the Berlin Wall still being erect. 176 00:08:24,931 --> 00:08:26,760 I just think you do the other one, 177 00:08:26,850 --> 00:08:29,620 change Studio 54 to Buddha Bar and Quaaludes to fentanyl. 178 00:08:29,644 --> 00:08:31,789 Oh, that is sad. 179 00:08:31,813 --> 00:08:33,708 Buddha Bar is no Studio 54. 180 00:08:33,732 --> 00:08:35,769 - Yeah, sure. - God damn it. 181 00:08:35,859 --> 00:08:38,087 Martha Stewart is so lucky she went to jail. 182 00:08:38,111 --> 00:08:39,880 I mean, that shit's evergreen. 183 00:08:39,904 --> 00:08:42,091 Why don't you tell a more recent story? 184 00:08:42,115 --> 00:08:44,302 You can talk about your new horsehair bed from Austria. 185 00:08:44,326 --> 00:08:46,095 Remember when we thought it wouldn't fit 186 00:08:46,119 --> 00:08:48,223 through the window but then it did? 187 00:08:48,247 --> 00:08:50,475 Yeah, very relatable. 188 00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:52,393 Are you sure you didn't miss anything in there? 189 00:08:52,417 --> 00:08:53,853 Let me check. 190 00:08:53,877 --> 00:08:55,355 Did it, did it. 191 00:08:55,379 --> 00:08:59,066 Oh, Benihana's with O.J. Simpson. 192 00:08:59,090 --> 00:09:01,944 - No. - Forget it. 193 00:09:01,968 --> 00:09:03,696 You know what? 194 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,799 I'm going to make a new story. 195 00:09:12,312 --> 00:09:13,873 Scott Thompson? 196 00:09:13,897 --> 00:09:15,500 Carrot Top, yeah. How can I help you? 197 00:09:15,524 --> 00:09:17,210 As you know, this land has been zoned 198 00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:18,961 a historic environmental preservation zone. 199 00:09:18,985 --> 00:09:20,630 We're going to need you to vacate 200 00:09:20,654 --> 00:09:22,340 the premises immediately so we can begin demolition. 201 00:09:22,364 --> 00:09:24,467 Demolition? What the fuck are you talking about? 202 00:09:24,491 --> 00:09:25,635 Yes, sir. There was a city council meeting 203 00:09:25,659 --> 00:09:27,470 where this was discussed. 204 00:09:27,494 --> 00:09:29,054 No one has ever discussed anything with me about any... 205 00:09:29,078 --> 00:09:30,848 Please put whatever belongings 206 00:09:30,872 --> 00:09:32,225 - will fit into this bag. - Are you fucking kidding me? 207 00:09:32,249 --> 00:09:34,227 Demolition will begin in 20 minutes. 208 00:09:34,251 --> 00:09:36,562 20 minutes? This is a joke. 209 00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:38,105 Mr. Top, we sent several notices. 210 00:09:38,129 --> 00:09:39,774 You didn't send jack shit, and I don't think 211 00:09:39,798 --> 00:09:41,401 you have the right fucking house. 212 00:09:41,425 --> 00:09:43,236 See if you have the right fucking house on there. 213 00:09:43,260 --> 00:09:45,839 - 1929 Chickasaw Way. - God damn it! 214 00:09:47,681 --> 00:09:49,159 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 215 00:09:49,183 --> 00:09:51,661 Wait, no, stop, you can't do this! 216 00:09:51,685 --> 00:09:52,727 Wait! 217 00:09:56,022 --> 00:09:57,583 I got you. I got you. 218 00:09:57,607 --> 00:09:59,460 - Deborah? - Oh, thanks so much. 219 00:09:59,484 --> 00:10:01,003 I needed a story for late night. 220 00:10:01,027 --> 00:10:03,298 This is going to play like gangbusters. 221 00:10:03,322 --> 00:10:05,258 Do not have anything better to do with your time? 222 00:10:05,282 --> 00:10:07,385 What the fuck is wrong with you? 223 00:10:07,409 --> 00:10:08,719 Oh, lighten up. 224 00:10:08,743 --> 00:10:10,305 What's wrong with me? 225 00:10:10,329 --> 00:10:11,865 What's wrong with your landscaper? 226 00:10:11,955 --> 00:10:14,267 Look at this shrub. It's dead. 227 00:10:14,291 --> 00:10:15,976 I should take that out. 228 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,062 Jesus. No, stop it. 229 00:10:18,086 --> 00:10:19,564 Stop, stop, stop! 230 00:10:19,588 --> 00:10:21,715 I fucking love that bush! 231 00:10:31,885 --> 00:10:33,328 Marcus. 232 00:10:33,352 --> 00:10:35,621 Ezekiel. 233 00:10:35,645 --> 00:10:38,082 So you're "DebbieTwoTon," huh? 234 00:10:38,106 --> 00:10:40,793 Mm-hmm. 235 00:10:40,817 --> 00:10:44,464 Ezekiel, do you know what this is? 236 00:10:44,488 --> 00:10:47,007 - A candle. - But who is on the candle? 237 00:10:47,031 --> 00:10:48,509 The greatest living comedian of our time. 238 00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:50,094 You have a problem. 239 00:10:50,118 --> 00:10:52,096 First of all, this candle is not soy based. 240 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:53,473 That's going to be a dirty burn. 241 00:10:53,497 --> 00:10:55,099 Fuck. 242 00:10:55,123 --> 00:10:56,767 But your real problem is that you're running 243 00:10:56,791 --> 00:10:58,728 an Etsy store selling unauthorized merchandise. 244 00:10:58,752 --> 00:11:01,731 And my very litigious business associate can sue you 245 00:11:01,755 --> 00:11:03,566 for trademark infringement. 246 00:11:03,590 --> 00:11:06,777 It would be an honor to be in litigation with Deborah. 247 00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:09,697 And, also, I will not be policed by some straight guy 248 00:11:09,721 --> 00:11:11,574 who doesn't get it because he's not even a fan. 249 00:11:11,598 --> 00:11:12,700 I'm not straight. 250 00:11:12,724 --> 00:11:15,161 Prove it. 251 00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:18,789 And just so you know, I am the original fan. 252 00:11:18,813 --> 00:11:21,126 I created the first Deborah Vance merchandise. 253 00:11:21,150 --> 00:11:22,835 I am the original fan. 254 00:11:22,859 --> 00:11:24,754 I've seen every one of her specials over 40 times. 255 00:11:24,778 --> 00:11:27,089 Okay. Then what was her most well-attended overseas show? 256 00:11:27,113 --> 00:11:28,591 Stockholm '97. Her birthday. 257 00:11:28,615 --> 00:11:30,092 Her real birthday. 258 00:11:30,116 --> 00:11:31,636 Same day, two years earlier. Bra size? 259 00:11:31,660 --> 00:11:33,138 None. She does custom. 260 00:11:33,162 --> 00:11:34,972 What's her favorite food if calories don't count? 261 00:11:34,996 --> 00:11:36,807 Potatoes dauphinoise. If calories do count? 262 00:11:36,831 --> 00:11:38,434 Endive salad, no croutons. 263 00:11:38,458 --> 00:11:39,810 Okay. 264 00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,103 What's her favorite snack? 265 00:11:41,127 --> 00:11:42,813 Ezekiel, that's a trick question. 266 00:11:42,837 --> 00:11:44,565 Deborah Vance doesn't snack, 267 00:11:44,589 --> 00:11:46,066 but she's contractually obligated to say... 268 00:11:46,090 --> 00:11:47,527 Wheat Thins. 269 00:11:47,551 --> 00:11:49,904 - Are you as turned on as I am? - No. 270 00:11:49,928 --> 00:11:52,365 You have 48 hours to fulfill all outstanding orders, 271 00:11:52,389 --> 00:11:54,700 and then you will shut this site down. 272 00:11:54,724 --> 00:11:56,911 I had no choice. 273 00:11:56,935 --> 00:12:00,206 I have always wanted a Deborah Vance tour jacket, 274 00:12:00,230 --> 00:12:02,750 and they were always too small. 275 00:12:02,774 --> 00:12:05,878 So I made some in my size, and they sold out within a day. 276 00:12:05,902 --> 00:12:08,381 There is a community of people out there 277 00:12:08,405 --> 00:12:12,885 who are hungry for this stuff, and I gave it to them. 278 00:12:12,909 --> 00:12:16,847 Then, naturally, I branched out into unlicensed cookbooks, 279 00:12:16,871 --> 00:12:18,766 oven mitts, cell phone cases. 280 00:12:18,790 --> 00:12:21,227 You know, the more you talk, the stronger my lawsuit gets. 281 00:12:21,251 --> 00:12:22,996 Okay, okay. 282 00:12:23,086 --> 00:12:25,214 But if I don't do it, someone else will. 283 00:12:27,466 --> 00:12:28,675 Good day, Ezekiel. 284 00:12:37,226 --> 00:12:38,661 Here we go. Come on. Keep going. 285 00:12:38,685 --> 00:12:39,662 Nice. 286 00:12:39,686 --> 00:12:41,247 - Hey. - Hey. 287 00:12:41,271 --> 00:12:43,458 Made you something. Matcha. 288 00:12:43,482 --> 00:12:45,275 Oh, thanks. Put it over on the big tire. 289 00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:48,296 And time. 290 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,023 Good. Go right into squat jumps. 291 00:12:50,113 --> 00:12:51,549 Down, explode. Nice. 292 00:12:51,573 --> 00:12:54,027 So I was just thinking, maybe we should get 293 00:12:54,117 --> 00:12:56,846 some new silverware. 294 00:12:56,870 --> 00:12:58,598 Yeah, sure. 295 00:12:58,622 --> 00:13:00,141 You have 15 seconds. Push. 296 00:13:00,165 --> 00:13:01,976 It's just that I have my silverware, 297 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,644 and you have your silverware, 298 00:13:03,668 --> 00:13:04,979 but I just thought it would be nice 299 00:13:05,003 --> 00:13:06,981 if we had, like, our silverware. 300 00:13:07,005 --> 00:13:09,442 Yeah, sure. New silverware. 301 00:13:09,466 --> 00:13:11,236 Time. Nice. Back on the rope. 302 00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:12,862 Back on the rope. Right to it. 303 00:13:12,886 --> 00:13:15,823 Okay. Enjoy your match a. 304 00:13:15,847 --> 00:13:17,533 Don't know why she's doing all that. 305 00:13:17,557 --> 00:13:18,826 Perfect the way she is. 306 00:13:18,850 --> 00:13:22,663 Love you. 307 00:13:22,687 --> 00:13:24,231 And time. 308 00:13:27,151 --> 00:13:29,337 She has scoliosis. 309 00:13:29,361 --> 00:13:30,463 I know. 310 00:13:30,487 --> 00:13:31,881 Ready for the bike? 311 00:13:31,905 --> 00:13:33,883 - I'm ready. - Yeah. 312 00:13:33,907 --> 00:13:36,844 And then I told him we could sue him if he didn't stop. 313 00:13:36,868 --> 00:13:38,971 Good. That should settle it. 314 00:13:38,995 --> 00:13:41,349 But then he said something interesting. 315 00:13:41,373 --> 00:13:43,893 Basically, people were asking him to make these products. 316 00:13:43,917 --> 00:13:45,978 He was only meeting a demand that was already there. 317 00:13:46,002 --> 00:13:47,855 So? 318 00:13:47,879 --> 00:13:50,650 So I think we should bring him in and the other sellers. 319 00:13:50,674 --> 00:13:52,193 They understand the Deborah Vance marketplace, 320 00:13:52,217 --> 00:13:53,861 because they are the marketplace. 321 00:13:53,885 --> 00:13:56,822 Oh, so we bring them in, and then we sue them. 322 00:13:56,846 --> 00:13:58,241 No, no. 323 00:13:58,265 --> 00:14:00,368 We bring in the independent creators, 324 00:14:00,392 --> 00:14:02,953 and we spotlight them on QVC. 325 00:14:02,977 --> 00:14:04,414 Listen, we've had an amazing year. 326 00:14:04,438 --> 00:14:05,956 Your profile is raised, 327 00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:07,750 and that's been hugely helpful for the company. 328 00:14:07,774 --> 00:14:09,544 But if we want to really scale up, 329 00:14:09,568 --> 00:14:11,546 we've got to start branching out and putting your stamp 330 00:14:11,570 --> 00:14:13,173 of approval on outside products, 331 00:14:13,197 --> 00:14:14,965 the way Oprah did with her Favorite Things. 332 00:14:14,989 --> 00:14:16,842 - I like Oprah. - Everyone does. 333 00:14:16,866 --> 00:14:19,845 But this would be a special hour every week on QVC 334 00:14:19,869 --> 00:14:22,432 devoted to the House of Vance. 335 00:14:22,456 --> 00:14:25,768 And for every sale, we get a cut, naturally. 336 00:14:25,792 --> 00:14:27,562 And after that, we sue them. 337 00:14:27,586 --> 00:14:29,689 Oh, Jesus, I'm kidding. 338 00:14:29,713 --> 00:14:31,732 But I'm afraid that QVC might think 339 00:14:31,756 --> 00:14:33,318 we're diluting the brand. 340 00:14:33,342 --> 00:14:34,860 I mean, it could backfire. 341 00:14:34,884 --> 00:14:36,404 It won't. 342 00:14:36,428 --> 00:14:37,822 Trust me. 343 00:14:37,846 --> 00:14:39,324 Okay. 344 00:14:39,348 --> 00:14:41,284 Let's pitch it on Monday's call. 345 00:14:41,308 --> 00:14:42,809 All right. 346 00:14:50,442 --> 00:14:51,627 Hello. 347 00:14:51,651 --> 00:14:53,629 Yeah, mama. 348 00:14:53,653 --> 00:14:56,257 - So how you feeling? - Really good. 349 00:14:56,281 --> 00:14:58,759 You were right. This is the right moment to do this. 350 00:14:58,783 --> 00:15:00,178 - Definitely. - It's going to kill. 351 00:15:00,202 --> 00:15:02,096 - All gold. - Kill. 352 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:03,889 - Is that hazelnut coffee? - Yeah. 353 00:15:03,913 --> 00:15:06,976 - Yeah. - Oh. 354 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,769 And then I went right over his shrubs. 355 00:15:08,793 --> 00:15:10,563 I guess you could say I trimmed Carrot's top. 356 00:15:10,587 --> 00:15:11,939 Fun. 357 00:15:11,963 --> 00:15:13,483 - Does that work? - Yeah, that's fun. 358 00:15:13,507 --> 00:15:15,443 Hey, so, little problem. 359 00:15:15,467 --> 00:15:18,279 Danny's got salmonella from the egg toss 360 00:15:18,303 --> 00:15:20,174 he did with Christiane Amanpour yesterday. 361 00:15:20,264 --> 00:15:22,242 We have to cancel and air a rerun. 362 00:15:22,266 --> 00:15:23,576 No. Oh. 363 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,035 Really sorry, Deborah. 364 00:15:25,059 --> 00:15:27,121 Shit, I've got to release the audience. 365 00:15:27,145 --> 00:15:29,183 Shit, will you guys excuse me a minute? 366 00:15:29,273 --> 00:15:33,128 Wait, hey, um, what if Deborah guest-hosts? 367 00:15:33,152 --> 00:15:34,920 I mean, Danny's a fan, right? 368 00:15:34,944 --> 00:15:37,882 And you know she'd be great. She almost hosted herself. 369 00:15:37,906 --> 00:15:40,135 Would you? 370 00:15:40,159 --> 00:15:41,886 Yeah, I can do that. 371 00:15:41,910 --> 00:15:43,638 Okay. 372 00:15:43,662 --> 00:15:45,348 Um, I have to get approval from Winnie Landell, but... 373 00:15:45,372 --> 00:15:47,517 Oh, my God, Winnie Landell, I know her. 374 00:15:47,541 --> 00:15:49,602 - We met in Montreal. - Okay. 375 00:15:49,626 --> 00:15:51,205 Yeah, yeah. 376 00:15:51,295 --> 00:15:53,439 We're going to have to move really fast if this is... 377 00:15:53,463 --> 00:15:54,982 Yeah, let's go. Where are my writers? 378 00:15:55,006 --> 00:15:57,026 You made them wait outside because they have 379 00:15:57,050 --> 00:15:59,213 hazelnut coffee breath. 380 00:15:59,303 --> 00:16:00,821 - Well, find some mints. - Mints. 381 00:16:00,845 --> 00:16:02,532 We have a monologue to write. 382 00:16:02,556 --> 00:16:04,534 We're going to need a guest for the second act. 383 00:16:04,558 --> 00:16:06,076 You know, let us help with that. 384 00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:07,119 - We can help. - Yeah, we can help with that. 385 00:16:07,143 --> 00:16:08,603 Get... get... 386 00:16:11,898 --> 00:16:13,584 We have some pitches that we think 387 00:16:13,608 --> 00:16:15,336 you're really going to like, Deborah. 388 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,755 Great, great. Okay. Well, we don't have much time, 389 00:16:17,779 --> 00:16:19,257 so there's no such thing as a bad idea. 390 00:16:19,281 --> 00:16:20,966 - Let's hear them. - John. 391 00:16:20,990 --> 00:16:23,052 So maybe an in-studio sketch where you try not to set 392 00:16:23,076 --> 00:16:25,805 - your desk on fire but can't. - Uh-huh. 393 00:16:25,829 --> 00:16:27,390 Because of the whole, like, burning-down-the-house thing. 394 00:16:27,414 --> 00:16:28,683 Yeah, I got it. I got it. 395 00:16:28,707 --> 00:16:30,560 Anything else? 396 00:16:30,584 --> 00:16:32,645 What about a desk piece where you go through celebrities 397 00:16:32,669 --> 00:16:34,939 and guess their favorite sex position? 398 00:16:34,963 --> 00:16:37,775 Like Daniel Radcliffe's could be Dobby style. 399 00:16:37,799 --> 00:16:39,253 What? 400 00:16:39,343 --> 00:16:41,862 Like doggy style, 401 00:16:41,886 --> 00:16:43,698 but Dobby. 402 00:16:43,722 --> 00:16:45,866 So how long till we tape, again? 403 00:16:45,890 --> 00:16:47,618 About an hour. 404 00:16:47,642 --> 00:16:50,079 - Yeah. - Yeah. 405 00:16:50,103 --> 00:16:51,831 What if we put you in a Lincoln hat, 406 00:16:51,855 --> 00:16:53,916 and you punch a sack of corn? 407 00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:55,876 No, no, no. I totally get it. It's fine. 408 00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:57,878 We'll circle back. Okay, all right, bye. 409 00:16:57,902 --> 00:16:59,672 Shit, she's in New York. 410 00:16:59,696 --> 00:17:02,276 - What about your mom? - No. 411 00:17:02,366 --> 00:17:05,052 My mom's Deidre Hall from "Days of Our Lives." 412 00:17:05,076 --> 00:17:06,804 Honestly, she's always camera ready, 413 00:17:06,828 --> 00:17:08,431 but I'm not sure it's worth it. 414 00:17:08,455 --> 00:17:10,641 Oh, my God, Reese Witherspoon, I love her. 415 00:17:10,665 --> 00:17:12,477 Do you have a connection to her? 416 00:17:12,501 --> 00:17:14,103 I feel like I do. I love her. 417 00:17:14,127 --> 00:17:15,521 I just said that. 418 00:17:15,545 --> 00:17:17,631 Someone needs to listen. 419 00:17:18,798 --> 00:17:20,651 What if you sing? 420 00:17:20,675 --> 00:17:23,613 You know, you could really show off your musical-comedy chops. 421 00:17:23,637 --> 00:17:25,615 Musical comedy is an oxymoron. 422 00:17:25,639 --> 00:17:27,492 Yes, of course. 423 00:17:27,516 --> 00:17:29,118 What about a desk piece, and we call "Deb-it or Credit." 424 00:17:29,142 --> 00:17:30,911 Good, good. So what is it? 425 00:17:30,935 --> 00:17:32,497 Oh, I don't know. 426 00:17:32,521 --> 00:17:34,874 I was just seeing if you liked the title first. 427 00:17:34,898 --> 00:17:38,128 Oh, oh, you wear a wig, right? 428 00:17:38,152 --> 00:17:39,313 Yes. 429 00:17:39,403 --> 00:17:41,005 Maybe something with that? 430 00:17:41,029 --> 00:17:44,467 Something with wigs? 431 00:17:44,491 --> 00:17:46,201 Yeah. 432 00:17:48,203 --> 00:17:49,555 Hey. 433 00:17:49,579 --> 00:17:51,056 Yeah, hi, this is going to be quick, 434 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,143 - because I don't have much time. - Okay. 435 00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:55,436 Loving this energy. Very "Bourne Identity." 436 00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:57,331 Well, listen, Danny Collins is out sick. 437 00:17:57,421 --> 00:17:58,564 Oh, shit. 438 00:17:58,588 --> 00:18:00,191 But trimming Carrot Top's bush. 439 00:18:00,215 --> 00:18:02,109 Yeah, I know, I know. But listen. 440 00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:04,779 I'm going to guest host. And so that's happening. 441 00:18:04,803 --> 00:18:07,240 - Oh, my God, that's amazing. - Yeah. 442 00:18:07,264 --> 00:18:10,535 We're throwing together a show, like, right now, now. 443 00:18:10,559 --> 00:18:14,580 So would it be okay if I, uh, 444 00:18:14,604 --> 00:18:17,917 you know, asked you your opinion about a joke? 445 00:18:17,941 --> 00:18:20,586 - Sure. - Okay, thanks. How's this? 446 00:18:20,610 --> 00:18:21,962 Danny has salmonella. 447 00:18:21,986 --> 00:18:23,714 The good news is, no one can directly 448 00:18:23,738 --> 00:18:26,008 connect me with the purchase of any toxic chemicals. 449 00:18:26,032 --> 00:18:28,761 What about the good news is, we're saving the network money 450 00:18:28,785 --> 00:18:30,596 'cause I only cost 80 cents on the dollar. 451 00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:34,016 That's good. I like that. 452 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,519 Well, I'm getting a lot of texts here from my mom. 453 00:18:36,543 --> 00:18:38,020 She's wondering if she can get a car and driver to the show 454 00:18:38,044 --> 00:18:39,397 and then keep it after. 455 00:18:39,421 --> 00:18:41,857 His mom has an incredible body. 456 00:18:41,881 --> 00:18:43,568 Kayla, I don't want to hear that, though. 457 00:18:43,592 --> 00:18:45,110 - It's a compliment. - Please. 458 00:18:45,134 --> 00:18:46,779 What? Perfect ass. 459 00:18:46,803 --> 00:18:48,906 Kayla, this is my mother you're talking about. 460 00:18:48,930 --> 00:18:51,867 You're giving me a bad taste in my mouth. 461 00:18:51,891 --> 00:18:53,578 Stop talking about my mom. 462 00:18:53,602 --> 00:18:55,120 Okay, sorry that I complimented your mom's body. 463 00:18:55,144 --> 00:18:57,039 You never say anything about my mom's body. 464 00:18:57,063 --> 00:18:58,624 It would be wildly inappropriate if I did. 465 00:18:58,648 --> 00:19:00,042 Why would I talk about your mother's body? 466 00:19:00,066 --> 00:19:01,586 She's cute. 467 00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:03,213 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be funny. 468 00:19:03,237 --> 00:19:05,298 And... yes. And for a desk piece. 469 00:19:05,322 --> 00:19:06,799 Oh, the visual. 470 00:19:06,823 --> 00:19:08,463 - The visual would be great. - Oh, my God. 471 00:19:08,492 --> 00:19:09,927 And then we could tag it with... 472 00:19:09,951 --> 00:19:11,221 Yes, oh, that's perfect. 473 00:19:11,245 --> 00:19:13,514 Yes. Oh, my God, that's the perfect opener. 474 00:19:13,538 --> 00:19:14,873 Thank you. 475 00:19:19,711 --> 00:19:23,358 Look, I know you probably can't, but 476 00:19:23,382 --> 00:19:26,343 it'd be so much easier if you just came here. 477 00:19:28,553 --> 00:19:30,138 Hello? 478 00:19:35,429 --> 00:19:38,432 Sorry. Lost service in the elevator. 479 00:19:38,522 --> 00:19:40,916 Okay. So, yeah, I think that works for the opener, 480 00:19:40,940 --> 00:19:42,960 but then I think you got to go right into the Danny stuff. 481 00:19:42,984 --> 00:19:44,587 Okay. Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. 482 00:19:44,611 --> 00:19:46,172 Okay, but the poison line, is that too lateral? 483 00:19:46,196 --> 00:19:47,715 No, no, I don't think you need it at all. 484 00:19:47,739 --> 00:19:50,343 Okay, last question before she agrees. 485 00:19:50,367 --> 00:19:51,511 Does the hair and makeup department 486 00:19:51,535 --> 00:19:52,553 use cruelty-free products? 487 00:19:52,577 --> 00:19:53,721 I mean, I'll ask. 488 00:19:53,745 --> 00:19:55,097 I'm just going to get her here. 489 00:19:55,121 --> 00:19:56,182 - I'll figure it out. - Guess what. 490 00:19:56,206 --> 00:19:57,392 What? 491 00:19:57,416 --> 00:19:59,018 We do not have to worry anymore. 492 00:19:59,042 --> 00:20:00,186 We don't need a guest. Deborah figured it out. 493 00:20:00,210 --> 00:20:01,937 Well, what's the idea? 494 00:20:01,961 --> 00:20:03,356 She did not tell me. She actually said to get away. 495 00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:04,565 So... 496 00:20:04,589 --> 00:20:06,151 But I think it's going to be good. 497 00:20:06,175 --> 00:20:07,860 We don't need to worry. 498 00:20:07,884 --> 00:20:09,362 Well, this is going to suck. Would you excuse me? 499 00:20:09,386 --> 00:20:11,113 Hey, Mommy. 500 00:20:11,137 --> 00:20:13,949 Yeah, it turns out they do test on animals, big-time. 501 00:20:13,973 --> 00:20:15,975 I know. 502 00:20:17,894 --> 00:20:20,206 She said Kinos only. No LEDs. 2,900 Kelvin. 503 00:20:20,230 --> 00:20:21,541 And move "A" camera 30 degrees clockwise 504 00:20:21,565 --> 00:20:23,000 so we get more of her good side. 505 00:20:23,024 --> 00:20:24,585 And do you have any copper-colored lav mics? 506 00:20:24,609 --> 00:20:26,449 If not, I'm going to need a can of spray paint. 507 00:20:28,197 --> 00:20:30,049 Hanging there, sweetheart, to the right. 508 00:20:30,073 --> 00:20:31,717 You see it hanging there? The pink. 509 00:20:31,741 --> 00:20:32,885 The pink. 510 00:20:32,909 --> 00:20:34,512 Perfect, perfect, perfect. 511 00:20:34,536 --> 00:20:36,806 Good evening. How's everyone doing tonight? 512 00:20:36,830 --> 00:20:38,349 Good, good. 513 00:20:38,373 --> 00:20:39,725 Sorry, I think you got to make that bigger. 514 00:20:39,749 --> 00:20:41,436 Yeah. 515 00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:44,213 Yeah, her text font is, like, double the size of that. 516 00:20:46,047 --> 00:20:47,400 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 517 00:20:47,424 --> 00:20:49,152 These are going to block her good side. 518 00:20:49,176 --> 00:20:51,636 I need those on the back wall. Small ones over there. 519 00:20:53,555 --> 00:20:55,032 Okay. 520 00:20:55,056 --> 00:20:57,160 Are you ready to be the best audience 521 00:20:57,184 --> 00:20:59,478 late night has ever heard? 522 00:21:23,627 --> 00:21:25,938 Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host, 523 00:21:25,962 --> 00:21:27,541 Deborah Vance! 524 00:21:33,637 --> 00:21:35,389 Thank you. 525 00:21:38,392 --> 00:21:40,953 - Colors look amazing. - Thank you so much. 526 00:21:40,977 --> 00:21:43,557 As you might know, Danny is out with a health issue. 527 00:21:43,647 --> 00:21:45,082 And out of respect for his privacy, 528 00:21:45,106 --> 00:21:46,876 I can't say much more than that. 529 00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:48,961 But should you experience an erection lasting longer 530 00:21:48,985 --> 00:21:51,088 than six hours, this is a medical emergency, 531 00:21:51,112 --> 00:21:52,947 and you should consult a doctor. 532 00:21:57,494 --> 00:22:00,515 I recently found out there's a group of people on Etsy 533 00:22:00,539 --> 00:22:04,685 who are selling knockoff Deborah Vance merchandise 534 00:22:04,709 --> 00:22:06,687 with things I supposedly said 535 00:22:06,711 --> 00:22:10,233 printed on them, which leads us to a segment I like to call, 536 00:22:10,257 --> 00:22:13,068 Did I Say It? 537 00:22:13,092 --> 00:22:15,196 A poster that says, "I may love jewelry, 538 00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:17,948 but a ring has no place on my coffee table." 539 00:22:17,972 --> 00:22:20,451 - Do you think I said it? - Yes! 540 00:22:20,475 --> 00:22:23,621 Yes, I did, right before 541 00:22:23,645 --> 00:22:26,315 a friendship-ending argument with Nancy Reagan. 542 00:22:29,901 --> 00:22:31,504 So good. 543 00:22:31,528 --> 00:22:34,489 We are down a guest, but I'm going to fix that. 544 00:22:35,657 --> 00:22:37,135 You sir, you. 545 00:22:37,159 --> 00:22:40,036 Fourth row. Yes, you, you. Yeah. Come here. 546 00:22:43,165 --> 00:22:44,850 So what do you do for work? 547 00:22:44,874 --> 00:22:47,019 I'm actually a TSA agent. 548 00:22:47,043 --> 00:22:49,623 Okay, that's all the time we have, ladies and gentlemen. 549 00:22:49,713 --> 00:22:51,691 No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 550 00:22:51,715 --> 00:22:54,360 You must find some weird stuff in people's suitcases. 551 00:22:54,384 --> 00:22:55,736 It's kind of X rated. 552 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,655 Oh, now you have to tell us. 553 00:22:57,679 --> 00:22:59,157 Come on. 554 00:22:59,181 --> 00:23:00,700 A few years ago, 555 00:23:00,724 --> 00:23:02,410 this guy went through the metal detector. 556 00:23:02,434 --> 00:23:04,370 I guess he was wearing a 557 00:23:04,394 --> 00:23:05,937 can I say "cuck cage" on TV? 558 00:23:08,690 --> 00:23:10,960 Well, Lance, I think you just did. 559 00:23:10,984 --> 00:23:12,503 What on Earth is that? 560 00:23:12,527 --> 00:23:16,716 It's like a metal cage that goes on a man's... 561 00:23:16,740 --> 00:23:19,302 - TSA wand. - Yes. 562 00:23:19,326 --> 00:23:22,847 And you can only take it off with a key. 563 00:23:22,871 --> 00:23:24,474 But his wife had the key. 564 00:23:24,498 --> 00:23:27,251 - And where was she? - In Miami. 565 00:23:30,254 --> 00:23:33,065 Hey. Don't you need to get back to your actual job? 566 00:23:33,089 --> 00:23:34,859 Oh, my God. Fuck. Shit. 567 00:23:34,883 --> 00:23:36,670 I'm supposed to get them coffee. 568 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:37,820 Mm. 569 00:23:37,844 --> 00:23:40,030 So, according to these cards, 570 00:23:40,054 --> 00:23:42,283 you broke your hand training for the film? 571 00:23:42,307 --> 00:23:43,743 Yeah. 572 00:23:43,767 --> 00:23:45,453 Actually, it's an interesting story. 573 00:23:45,477 --> 00:23:46,912 Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. 574 00:23:46,936 --> 00:23:48,539 Are you just bored to tears from having 575 00:23:48,563 --> 00:23:49,999 to tell this story over and over and over again 576 00:23:50,023 --> 00:23:51,501 to the press and make it sound natural? 577 00:23:51,525 --> 00:23:52,885 You're going to get me in trouble. 578 00:23:54,528 --> 00:23:56,172 I told that so many times, I said it in my sleep 579 00:23:56,196 --> 00:23:57,465 and woke my girlfriend up. 580 00:23:57,489 --> 00:23:59,509 Well, she gets to sleep with you, 581 00:23:59,533 --> 00:24:01,177 so she doesn't get to complain. 582 00:24:01,201 --> 00:24:04,288 Oh, come on, it's not a Me Too if I do it! 583 00:24:05,789 --> 00:24:07,517 No, but, seriously, look at those arms. 584 00:24:07,541 --> 00:24:10,186 - How much can you bench? - Uh, bench... 300, 310 pounds. 585 00:24:10,210 --> 00:24:11,896 What? No. Prove it. 586 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,707 Bench-press me. 587 00:24:17,509 --> 00:24:18,653 Shut up! 588 00:24:18,677 --> 00:24:21,281 Brad! Give it up for Brad! 589 00:24:21,305 --> 00:24:23,408 Whoo! 590 00:24:23,432 --> 00:24:26,310 Thank you, thank you. 591 00:24:28,437 --> 00:24:29,747 Thank you so much, every one of you, 592 00:24:29,771 --> 00:24:31,582 for making it so special. 593 00:24:31,606 --> 00:24:33,459 Danny, thank you for loaning me the chair for the night. 594 00:24:33,483 --> 00:24:35,253 He will be back tomorrow. 595 00:24:35,277 --> 00:24:39,132 All of you, thank you, and good night. 596 00:24:39,156 --> 00:24:41,575 You were great. 597 00:24:48,165 --> 00:24:49,434 Phenomenal. 598 00:24:49,458 --> 00:24:51,018 That guy was, like, really cute. 599 00:24:51,042 --> 00:24:52,762 - That was really good. - Should I call him? 600 00:24:52,836 --> 00:24:54,522 She was great. Unbelievably great. 601 00:24:54,546 --> 00:24:56,047 So good. 602 00:24:58,258 --> 00:25:01,154 Thanks. Thank you. 603 00:25:01,178 --> 00:25:03,072 Oh, my God, Deborah. 604 00:25:03,096 --> 00:25:06,326 That was... I mean, what an incredible show. 605 00:25:06,350 --> 00:25:08,411 - Thanks. Thanks. - You were just unbelievable. 606 00:25:08,435 --> 00:25:11,622 - Thank you. - Ah. Whew. 607 00:25:11,646 --> 00:25:14,083 Is it okay if I just hang here for a minute? 608 00:25:14,107 --> 00:25:15,543 Oh, yeah, yeah, take your time. 609 00:25:15,567 --> 00:25:17,652 - I'll see you backstage. - Absolutely. 610 00:25:57,776 --> 00:25:59,254 Hi. 611 00:25:59,278 --> 00:26:01,422 You were right about that last monologue joke. 612 00:26:01,446 --> 00:26:03,007 - It killed. - Told you so. 613 00:26:03,031 --> 00:26:04,759 And you did a shockingly good job 614 00:26:04,783 --> 00:26:06,261 not kink-shaming cuck cages. 615 00:26:06,285 --> 00:26:07,553 Oh, I got another call. 616 00:26:07,577 --> 00:26:08,822 Yeah. I'm going to take this. 617 00:26:08,912 --> 00:26:10,431 - Can you... - Yeah, sure. 618 00:26:10,455 --> 00:26:12,057 Hello. 619 00:26:12,081 --> 00:26:13,827 Deborah, it's Danny Collins. 620 00:26:13,917 --> 00:26:15,770 Hey. How are you feeling? 621 00:26:15,794 --> 00:26:17,647 Oh, not bad. 622 00:26:17,671 --> 00:26:19,149 In between having my last rites read to me, 623 00:26:19,173 --> 00:26:20,650 I saw the show. You did a hell of a job. 624 00:26:20,674 --> 00:26:22,235 Thank you. 625 00:26:22,259 --> 00:26:24,028 Seriously, you were having so much fun up there. 626 00:26:24,052 --> 00:26:25,780 Yeah, well, it's a fun gig. 627 00:26:25,804 --> 00:26:27,573 Eh, at first. 628 00:26:27,597 --> 00:26:29,450 At this point, I'm basically on cruise control. 629 00:26:29,474 --> 00:26:32,036 Between you and me and my wife's divorce lawyer, 630 00:26:32,060 --> 00:26:34,164 I'm leaving when my contract is up in a few months. 631 00:26:34,188 --> 00:26:35,790 Oh? 632 00:26:35,814 --> 00:26:37,750 It'll be some other guy's show soon. 633 00:26:37,774 --> 00:26:39,460 Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for stepping up. 634 00:26:39,484 --> 00:26:41,337 Oh, my pleasure. Anytime. 635 00:26:41,361 --> 00:26:43,298 Thanks for calling, Danny. 636 00:26:43,322 --> 00:26:45,133 - Love you, Deborah. - Okay. 637 00:26:45,157 --> 00:26:47,177 Bye. 638 00:26:47,201 --> 00:26:49,094 Ava. 639 00:26:49,118 --> 00:26:51,347 Yeah, that was definitely an I'll-call-you-back situation. 640 00:26:51,371 --> 00:26:53,015 I know, I know, I'm sorry. 641 00:26:53,039 --> 00:26:54,868 Listen, you said you have a hiatus coming up 642 00:26:54,958 --> 00:26:56,269 from your show, right? 643 00:26:56,293 --> 00:26:58,396 - How long is it? - Uh, three months. 644 00:26:58,420 --> 00:27:00,046 Do you have any plans? 645 00:27:04,468 --> 00:27:06,696 - Hey. - Hey. 646 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,240 I was thinking, do you think it just makes more sense 647 00:27:09,264 --> 00:27:11,242 if I visit for, like, a weekend, 648 00:27:11,266 --> 00:27:12,886 since you'll be working so much? 649 00:27:12,976 --> 00:27:14,995 - What? - Yeah. 650 00:27:15,019 --> 00:27:18,082 Um, this, uh... this work thing came up. 651 00:27:18,106 --> 00:27:21,211 Shit. I mean, that's totally fine if it's for work. 652 00:27:21,235 --> 00:27:22,545 Is it for the show? 653 00:27:22,569 --> 00:27:27,091 You know what? It's actually, um, 654 00:27:27,115 --> 00:27:28,968 for Deborah. 655 00:27:28,992 --> 00:27:31,221 - Are you serious? - I know. I know. 656 00:27:31,245 --> 00:27:34,182 But listen, they're replacing the late show host, 657 00:27:34,206 --> 00:27:36,726 and I think she has a real shot at it. 658 00:27:36,750 --> 00:27:39,312 She asked me to help her just on my hiatus. 659 00:27:39,336 --> 00:27:42,148 But you'll be working so much, right? 660 00:27:42,172 --> 00:27:44,942 - So this could be good. - Good for who? 661 00:27:44,966 --> 00:27:46,361 It's just for a couple months. 662 00:27:46,385 --> 00:27:47,945 I don't care how long it's for. 663 00:27:47,969 --> 00:27:49,947 I mean, she fired you and then cut you off. 664 00:27:49,971 --> 00:27:51,491 That's fucked up. 665 00:27:51,515 --> 00:27:53,368 You couldn't stop talking about it for months, 666 00:27:53,392 --> 00:27:54,928 about how unhealthy it was. 667 00:27:55,018 --> 00:27:57,079 And now we're finally in a good place. 668 00:27:57,103 --> 00:27:58,873 It makes me feel like you're more serious about her 669 00:27:58,897 --> 00:28:01,626 than you are about your job, our life here, me. 670 00:28:01,650 --> 00:28:03,836 What? What are you talking about? 671 00:28:03,860 --> 00:28:05,546 I'm so serious about you. 672 00:28:05,570 --> 00:28:08,072 I mean, we're getting married. 673 00:28:09,324 --> 00:28:10,551 - What? - What? 674 00:28:10,575 --> 00:28:12,303 I found the ring, okay? 675 00:28:12,327 --> 00:28:14,805 Ava, what are you talking about? 676 00:28:14,829 --> 00:28:16,641 Oh. 677 00:28:16,665 --> 00:28:18,058 Ava. 678 00:28:18,082 --> 00:28:19,953 Here. 679 00:28:20,043 --> 00:28:22,688 Ask me. I'll say yes. 680 00:28:22,712 --> 00:28:24,482 - Oh, my God. - Or I can ask you. 681 00:28:24,506 --> 00:28:27,443 We're gay. There are no rules. 682 00:28:27,467 --> 00:28:29,237 - Oh, my God. - Ruby Rojas 683 00:28:29,261 --> 00:28:31,364 from the first time I saw you at Little Dom's... 684 00:28:31,388 --> 00:28:33,783 Oh, my God, Ava, stop. Stop. Okay, stop. 685 00:28:33,807 --> 00:28:37,620 This ring is from the show. 686 00:28:37,644 --> 00:28:39,973 This is how Wolf Girl gets her powers. 687 00:28:40,063 --> 00:28:41,975 I have it here to help me get into character. 688 00:28:42,065 --> 00:28:43,793 And I have to wear it to practice 689 00:28:43,817 --> 00:28:45,277 while I'm wielding the flail. 690 00:28:49,656 --> 00:28:51,301 Huh. 691 00:28:51,325 --> 00:28:52,760 I'm gonna stand up. 692 00:28:52,784 --> 00:28:54,679 I knew you didn't read the graphic novel. 693 00:28:54,703 --> 00:28:57,182 I don't know how to follow the fucking boxes. 694 00:28:57,206 --> 00:28:59,392 Wait. You want to get married? 695 00:28:59,416 --> 00:29:01,018 - I thought so. - You thought so? 696 00:29:01,042 --> 00:29:02,996 - I misunderstood. - Uh-huh. 697 00:29:03,086 --> 00:29:05,190 Listen, this has gotten completely out of hand. 698 00:29:05,214 --> 00:29:07,000 - Yeah. - And I'm sorry about the trip. 699 00:29:07,090 --> 00:29:08,526 I'm sorry I just proposed. 700 00:29:08,550 --> 00:29:10,320 But it's different this time. 701 00:29:10,344 --> 00:29:12,071 I'm just going to be working with her temporarily. 702 00:29:12,095 --> 00:29:14,324 You're not going to be working with her. 703 00:29:14,348 --> 00:29:15,783 You're going to be working for her. 704 00:29:15,807 --> 00:29:17,660 You'll always be working for her. 705 00:29:17,684 --> 00:29:19,245 You're making this such a bigger deal 706 00:29:19,269 --> 00:29:21,014 than it needs to be. 707 00:29:21,104 --> 00:29:22,790 You're canceling our plans to go work with someone 708 00:29:22,814 --> 00:29:24,917 who was borderline abusive because she might get a job. 709 00:29:24,941 --> 00:29:28,087 Look, I know that you respect this person. 710 00:29:28,111 --> 00:29:30,423 And I know you're proud of the work you did together, 711 00:29:30,447 --> 00:29:32,592 but it was also really hard, 712 00:29:32,616 --> 00:29:34,802 and not just when she fired you 713 00:29:34,826 --> 00:29:36,387 the whole time. 714 00:29:36,411 --> 00:29:38,431 She slapped you. She sued you. 715 00:29:38,455 --> 00:29:40,033 You said she was toxic. 716 00:29:40,123 --> 00:29:42,035 I said that stuff when I was mad at her. 717 00:29:42,125 --> 00:29:44,127 I'm so sorry. You just don't get it. 718 00:29:47,088 --> 00:29:48,941 Yeah. 719 00:29:48,965 --> 00:29:51,044 I guess I don't get it. 720 00:29:51,134 --> 00:29:53,345 Fuck. 721 00:29:57,098 --> 00:29:58,868 I think we need to take some space. 722 00:29:58,892 --> 00:30:00,286 What? No. 723 00:30:00,310 --> 00:30:02,205 Come on. 724 00:30:02,229 --> 00:30:03,664 Yeah. 725 00:30:03,688 --> 00:30:06,167 I'll, um, I'll go to Iceland alone. 726 00:30:06,191 --> 00:30:09,062 And, um 727 00:30:09,153 --> 00:30:11,422 you do your thing. 728 00:30:11,446 --> 00:30:15,092 And we'll see where we're at when we're back 729 00:30:15,116 --> 00:30:17,553 if you're back. 730 00:30:17,577 --> 00:30:19,347 - Ruby. - No. 731 00:30:19,371 --> 00:30:21,331 Are you serious? 732 00:31:17,304 --> 00:31:18,472 Welcome back. 733 00:31:23,017 --> 00:31:24,603 Shoes off.