(dramatic music)
Downloaded from YTS.MX
So here we are again, "Funny Women of a Certain Age,"
the second special.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Aw, I know, you thought this was gonna be a one-off.
Listen, I've been doin' stand-up for 40 years,
and I'm 61 years old.
Maybe I get a pity fuck, but I don't get a pity special.
(upbeat music)
(audience applauds)
I'm so excited about the show tonight.
Just-- the talent is unbelievable.
I identify as a stand-up comedian,
like first and foremost.
We're literally standing
on a New York street corner
and we're so old no one's yelling anything to us.
(laughing)
I've been doing stand-up for 42 years.
There's still nothing better than going on stage
and telling jokes to live drunks.
(upbeat music)
(Carol Leifer) It doesn't matter
whether it's stand-up or comedy writing,
I always tell women to pursue it because,
for example, when I was at "Seinfeld,"
I know that a man
would have never pitched Elaine thinks
that the Korean manicurists
are talkin' about her behind her back...
(Carole Montgomery) Right, absolutely.
...because that had happened to me.
So I always say to women, go into the field
because we have experiences and funniness
that doesn't happen to men. And we have to use that.
Absolutely.
(audience cheers)
Unbelievable.
Well, good evening. What up, Brooklyn?
(audience cheers)
How great is this?
Thank you all for being here.
Oh, my God, I am so excited.
What a pleasure to work with all these women tonight.
(audience cheers)
Yeah.
But outside of here, not so rosy ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies, we still have big strides to make.
You ready for this?
Girlfriend of mine just got a new job.
First question the new boss asked her
was if she could make a good cup of coffee.
(audience groans)
Yeah, she stormed right outta that Starbucks.
So here we are, funny women of a "certain" age.
Well, I'll get specific with ya, what the hell.
Couple months ago I turned 63.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
Yeah it's so funny, my agent came to my show last week
and afterwards he's like, why you tellin'
people in the audience how old you are?
And I'm like, because it gets applause.
Yeah, gettin' older.
It's a bitch.
You know what the worst part is?
You ever have to enter your age online?
Sit there scrolling.
Scrolling.
(sighs)
But now that I told you how old I am,
let's see how old you all are.
Do you have an old timey first name like me?
Carol.
Are you named Cathy,
Susan, Linda?
Mindy?
These are all names that tell the world,
you're not 30 anymore.
There's no babies being named Carol.
No.
And here's what's wild, okay.
I go to Starbucks every day.
I cannot tell ya how many times
when the barista's asked my name and I've said Carol,
they've asked me, with a "C" or a "K"?
(sighs)
With a "C" or a "K."
Yeah, it's actually with a hard "Q."
Yeah, like in Qatar.
'Nother old timey first name of
the guys of my generation is Richard.
Yes Richard, popular name.
And of course, we all know
the nickname for Richard would be?
(scattered audience response)
Dick. Dick!
Yeah, can't go around callin' people Dick now.
Are you kidding?
Especially in the workplace.
Two seconds, you have HR up your butt.
Yeah Ms. Leifer we received a complaint.
Apparently you called Richard in Accounting a dick.
(sighs)
I didn't call him a dick.
I called him Dick.
Well I'm sorry, but your argument is pretty half-cocked.
Sorry if you feel like I've given you the shaft.
Ball's in your court.
Plastic surgery, haven't had any.
Yep, I'm for real.
(audience cheers)
Well mostly because I'm afraid.
I mean, so many of these procedures
are so wack, aren't they?
Oh my God, have you heard about this one?
I'm not makin' this one up, okay.
Where they take the fat from a woman's buttocks
and inject it into the lips.
Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "kiss my ass."
Well what can I say, I'm old.
I thought Wikileaks was a new type of pad.
You know what I am totally obsessed with, though?
You know that Life Alert button?
Yeah, I know I'm a little young for it,
but it's amazing, like you just push it
and they're there like two seconds later.
I have a feeling though,
I might get a little devious with it though.
You know, I'd be like,
help, I've fallen, and I'd love a turkey sandwich.
But I like to think I'm still pretty hip.
Pretty happenin' with the young people.
Well, I work with a lotta young writers you know.
And like last week,
I went to lunch with this guy who's like 23.
And this great song came over the PA in the restaurant.
And I said to him, I wish I could find out
what this song is, I really like it.
And he said to me, why don't you Shazam it?
And I actually went, Shazam.
(blowing into mic)
But I'll tell ya one thing I love about gettin' older,
oh, I do-- senior discounts!
(audience cheers)
Oh yeah, you like a bargain like me, right?
Yeah, but I'll be very honest with you guys,
a big reason why I'm here tonight
is because I got a Groupon to perform.
But it's a different world, different world
than when I was growin' up. See it everywhere.
Like, take for instance, tattoos.
Okay, when I was growin' up
tattoos were like for sketchy people.
You know, like unsavory sailors.
Inmates from cell block "B."
Yeah, now my aunt Ruth in Boca has a tattoo.
Look, it's my brisket.
Technology, isn't it amazing how far we've come?
You know, my mom is gone now,
but I think of her all the time.
You know what invention my mom would have flipped for?
The navigation system in the car.
Oh are you kidding? Another woman talking to her
the entire time she's in the car.
Are you kidding, this is a Jewish woman's dream!
And you know how you can program the accent?
You know, she'd set it to like Cedarhurst, Long Island.
All right, I'm gonna put you
on the Long Island Expressway now.
No, no, you know what?
No, I'm not going to, no.
No, and you know why?
They drive like maniacs on that LIE, like maniacs.
You get on there, you take your life in your hands.
No we're doin' surface streets.
We're doin' surface streets only!
Are you hungry?
Tatala, I only had an English muffin for breakfast.
And they're not very filling and oh, my God,
oi gevalt, look out, make a left, make a left!
And that's what we call "JewPS."
You've been terrific!
Thank you so much! Thank you!
(audience cheers)
Thanks!
(cheering continues)
(upbeat music)
(Carole Montgomery) Everybody thinks when you're a road comic
it's this glamorous life.
See this?
This is what it's like to be a road comic.
Okay, this is the green room.
And where they put you up is a comedy condo,
which is a broken down, one-bedroom apartment
that you have to share with three other male comics.
And the number one rule in comedy-condo etiquette,
you never eat the mayonnaise. Why?
Someone's put his dick in it.
(audience cheers)
Thank you so much.
Holy shit, we're doin' another one!
(audience cheers)
(sighs)
So I recently turned 61.
(audience cheers)
A lot of young people wanna know
what it's like being in your 60s.
So basically this is it.
There's a lotta moaning.
But it's not from sex.
Lemme explain what I mean.
So last weekend I was at my sister's house
for a barbecue, right? So I said I'd help clean up.
So I'm in the kitchen,
her and her husband are in the living room,
I'm doin' the dishes,
all of a sudden I hear this.
Oh, oh, oh!
And I'm doin' the dishes going,
are they fucking in the living room?
I walked in, they were tryin' to get off the couch.
Look, I am proud about my age, okay.
I'm so proud about my age.
(audience cheers)
And when I was in Los Angeles promoting the first special,
I would talk about being in my 60s
and the young L.A. women they were so adorable.
They were like, oh my God, Carole, you're so brave
talking about your age.
I'm like, I don't go into burning buildings,
I tell dick jokes for a living, okay, calm down, calm down.
And this one young girl, this one L.A. girl,
she was like Carole, I know you don't like plastic surgery
but I gotta tell you about this new thing
that they're doing in L.A.
It's called vaginal rejuvenation.
Have you heard about this?
I know, look at the look of-- you're like, what?
No listen what this is, it's plastic surgery
for your vagina, to make it look younger.
Now we have all seen bad face-lifts, right?
What's a bad face-lift?
If you get a bad doctor for down there,
what's it's gonna look like?
(audience applauds)
That's not pretty is what I'm saying.
It's just not pretty.
But I understand, I understand why some women
would want to do that, you know, especially if you're a mom.
Because, we do have a lotta moms here tonight, right?
(audience cheers) Right, right.
Childbirth fucks up your shit.
Do you know what I'm saying? It fucks everything.
First of all, you know, young women like,
when they hear about childbirth
they think it's beautiful and magical.
And angels are singing, and unicorns are--
you shit yourself, okay, just so you...
A giant head comes out of a space this small.
I don't remember much about my childbirth,
but I do remember looking down
and seeing the doctor sewing up my lower region.
And me turnin' to my husband and going,
might as well, you're never getting in again.
My son was born two weeks late, okay.
Typical man, he wanted to stay inside
as long as he possibly could.
And that little shit would not come out of me, okay?
So I call my doctor, right?
It was a Friday afternoon, I'll never forget this,
I said, please can I come in, please induce me.
He goes, Carole, I'm golfing this weekend.
I'll induce ya on Monday.
But over the weekend try to induce your baby yourself.
This is actually a medical procedure,
it's called natural induction.
You have to make love a lot,
have nipple stimulation,
and take a lotta long walks.
My husband hears this and he goes,
so lemme get this straight, I get to fuck ya,
play with your tits, and tell ya to go take a hike?
I could do that.
I still can't, I mean I know that I'm 61,
I still can't believe that I have an adult son.
I have a 27-year-old son.
(audience cheers)
And I'm very close with my son.
Are you close with your kids?
Yeah, I'm very close. I'm very close to my son.
He tells me everything.
Everything,
Everything!
And it's my fault, 'cause I was pregnant,
I took him with me. I was on the road,
as a baby, I took him with me, you know.
He's been around comedy his whole life, you understand?
So he tells me stuff. When he was 12,
I was driving him to school one day,
and we're at a stoplight, and here's what I hear
my 12-year-old son say to me.
Mommy, don't tell Daddy, but I haven't masturbated yet.
Okay.
I mean what do you do, what do you do?
He's tryin' to communicate. So I was tryin' to like think,
okay I have to say the right thing.
So very slow, very, very calmly I said,
honey whenever you're ready, you go and do it.
And then I gunned the car,
I made it to school in two minutes.
I'm like, get outta the car!
So when he was 14, two years later right.
We're back here in New York City.
He's in the shower.
It's his first day of high school.
I'm making breakfast for him.
From the shower I hear,
Mom, there's a cut on my penis!
And in my head I'm thinkin',
do you ever talk to your fuckin' father?
So I say to my husband, who's sound asleep,
I get right in his face, I go,
wake up, your son has a cut on his dick!
He literally pops outta bed. He runs into the bathroom.
He runs right back out and he goes,
he didn't use enough lotion, I'm goin' back to bed.
Yeah, and that's how I found out,
'cause the next day all of my lotion went missing.
And when he was 18 right,
he was dating a young lady and they were in love.
So they decided they wanted
to lose their virginity to each other.
So who does he come to?
All I said was, listen honey just make sure
you use birth control, right, good mom, right?
So he says, what happens if my girlfriend says
she's on the pill Mom?
I said that could be Prozac, do not trust that little bitch.
(audience whoops and applauds)
So I once again went to my husband and said,
go get-- go get him condoms.
Now, there are reasonable men in this group.
Most reasonable men would get their son a three pack.
My husband bought him a box of 40 fucking condoms.
He went to Costco.
Well, Kirkland makes an amazing condom.
Thank you, Costco shoppers.
I bought him a case of Gatorade.
Didn't want him to get dehydrated.
But here's the best part. Here's how he told me.
You woulda thought he woulda called me, right?
He texted me.
Here's the text.
I'm a man now.
(audience groans)
So I texted him back.
That is great honey.
I'm gonna go fuck Daddy. Love you.
And he's 27, so he's a millennial.
And, like, the people who have millennials,
are they still livin' with ya?
Oh, they're the worst, man.
They leave, they come back, they leave, they come back.
I moved, he found me, you know what I mean?
So he did move out. The first time
he ever moved out he was 20 years old.
He was out for two years, it was really good.
And then he moved back, he was having roommate problems.
And I remember saying to him, why did you move out?
You know, we live in New York City, it's very expensive.
And he goes, Mom, I was startin' to date.
I was worried if I brought home a girl you'd walk in on us.
I'm like, that's horrible.
I would never do somethin' like that.
But then he moved back home, he brought home a girl,
and I had to 'cause he challenged me.
And it was a Saturday night, and the subway wasn't running,
'cause the girlfriend lived in Brooklyn
'cause that's where they all fucking live.
And I said to him, I said, hon--
you know, I said to the girl, I said look it's late,
don't take an Uber, just stay over,
I'll see ya tomorrow, everything'll be fine, right?
And then I waited.
About two hours.
And then I just burst into his room.
Oh you're doin' it all wrong! Lift her up, lift her up!
(audience applauds)
And then he moved to Los Angeles.
Thank you so much everybody. I love you, thank you!
(audience applauds)
Thank you so much.
(audience cheers)
(upbeat music)
"America's Got Talent" was life changing for me.
I had a joke in my act back at the time
where I used the "F" bomb.
Just before the-- I went on stage, the producer
he said to me, Julia, are you going to say it?
And I was like, no, man, I'm not--
And he goes, they'll love it.
So I'm on-- I'm filmin' this thing.
It's like 13 million people watchin'
and I looked at the audience and I just went,
you know, fuck that!
The audience just went berserk.
But I saw Simon laughing, and that was even better.
(audience cheers)
Oh, my God, look at this place!
Whoa, man!
(audience applauds)
Wow, look at this. Fantastic.
It's so nice to see so many people here
that I don't know and it's good to... uh-huh.
So I'm gonna start, and I'm tellin' ya,
I--I'm, uh... I turned 65.
(audience cheers)
Please, that just means I didn't die
from last year, you know.
And I am what's officially known as the golden years.
I'm in those now.
And I don't know who named these things,
but that's the stupidest name I've ever heard in my life.
Golden years, lemme tell ya somethin',
I was standin' in front of the mirror naked this morning...
...and if these are the golden years,
the price of gold just collapsed.
Everything's goin' on me.
My eyes are goin', my hearing's going.
All right, you too, the same thing?
You know what I found this morning in my microwave?
I found a jar of mayonnaise.
I have no idea how it got there.
I live alone, so I know I put it there.
The cat's not capable of liftin' such a great weight.
Oh my God, I'm tellin' ya.
I've reached this point where,
I don't know if I should say this but,
there are some days... when I just smell funny.
For no apparent reason.
I've had a lotta health problems this year.
I've had more body parts moved around this year,
I'm startin' to feel like Mrs. Potato Head.
Oh, my God, I had--
two years ago I had both hips replaced.
I had a pacemaker put in.
About a month and a half ago I had my spine rebuilt.
I know.
That's why I'm telling you this.
And last Christmas,
last Christmas I had quadruple bypass surgery.
(audience moans)
I know.
That was my Christmas present.
All I asked for was I wanted a puppy, that was it.
My doctor says, now I've got all my new parts,
I could live to be 100.
I'm like, get the hell outta here.
You do that I'll sue you for malpractice, ya bastard.
Have you ever seen 100-year-old people?
They're friggin' creepy.
Oh, my God, they always have them
on the "Today" show in the morning.
Right, they wheel 'em out.
Poor bastard doesn't even know where he's at.
He's lookin' around like, is this Iwo Jima?
Right, and then they put the little cone hat on his head.
They pull the chin strap down,
it snaps back up and he's lookin' like that.
And then they wheel the cake out.
It's got 100 candles on it.
Like are you kiddin', he's on oxygen,
get that away from him.
And the gifts, you know,
the gifts suck when you get older, right?
Right? You know what,
my birthday gifts, you know what I got?
Slippers and a jigsaw puzzle.
Right, and I'm supposed to get excited about this.
I'm like, oh look, it's a 5,000-piece puzzle.
And it says here on the box it's 80% sky.
That's gonna keep me busy on those cold winter nights.
Glad I got these shitty slippers to keep my feet warm.
I want good gifts like I used to get.
I want like a bike.
You know, or a TV.
Or a vibrator.
I want a life-size, chocolate George Clooney.
Right? That I could start eatin' in the middle.
(audience cheers)
Right, but I can't even have chocolate any more,
'cause it constipates me.
That's a big deal in old people land, constipation, right?
It's such a big deal we made it into an occasion.
We call it occasional constipation.
It's like a friggin' holiday now.
Oh, my God, Constipation Day's comin',
Constipation Day's comin'!
I can't believe Walmart
put up the Constipation Day decorations already.
It's only September. You know.
Are you goin' to the big Constipation Day parade?
No I'm not movin'.
Neither is the parade.
So, I feel, you know, I been feelin' outta touch lately,
the older I get, especially around young people.
I wanna-- I wanna-- like, you're so young.
I mean, I wanna be hip like, you know, so that you like me.
No, but I do. And it's, you know, like I--
Especially with the music. I can't keep up with the music.
Like I just found out
Ariana Grande is not a drink from Starbucks.
Right? I swear to God,
I can't even watch the History Channel any more.
I just sit there all day goin', I remember that.
I remember that too.
Wait a minute, is that me runnin'
through the mud at Woodstock naked?
(audience cheers)
And the world's gotten really weird, man.
It's a frightening world.
We're all afraid of marauders now,
bandidos, they're everywhere.
Now they got this thing called a see somethin',
say somethin' hotline.
Are you familiar with this? Yeah.
If you don't know about it, what it is,
is, uh, if you see somethin' suspicious,
you're supposed to call it in.
Big brother, right?
Anybody know the phone number for the see something?
No.
Anybody ever see something?
But they spend all this money
to train all these highly-trained professionals,
to operate the see something, say something hotline.
I'd be like, see something, say something hotline.
Ya see somethin'?
Hi, I'm a longtime listener, first-time caller.
See something, say something hotline,
ya see somethin'?
Hi, it's my girl's birthday.
Can you play "Free Bird"? It's like...
See, the thing of it is,
if you actually ever see somethin'
you're gonna know it. You're gonna know it right away.
Like if you ever see say, I dunno, a coyote...
right, walkin' down the street on its hind legs,
and it's carryin' a box of dynamite.
And the side of the box just says Acme Dynamite Company.
You've seen something, you know.
So...
You guys are fun, man.
So you should know this, if you didn't know this
about me I'll tell ya right now, I'm transgendered.
Where are my trans folks? Let me hear ya.
(audience member cheers, scattered clapping)
Really? Really?
Boy, I'm usually the only one.
It's tough bein' trans in this country, it really is.
Like I always thought it would be so much easier
if I were just gay.
Seriously, gay, I could do gay standin' on my head.
Which would make me very popular in the gay community.
But it's harder for you if you-- you know, you could be gay
and you could stay in the closet your whole life.
Nobody ever has to know.
Not if you're trans.
You gotta come out to everybody. Everybody.
You show up at work one day in heels and a skirt,
people are gonna notice.
That's when you get a little,
Bob look a little different to you today?
What is it Bob, new haircut? I don't know, just...
Oh man, and I, you know, I hadda come out to my fam--
I had to-- I was married when I came out.
Boy, shoulda been there for that conversation.
I took my ex out for a nice dinner.
We sat down, I said, honey we have to talk.
She just looked at me she goes, is it another woman?
Kinda, yeah, you know.
She's like, is she prettier than me?
I go, yep.
All my female friends were so welcoming.
They took me right in under, you know, under their wing.
Men, not so much. They freaked out.
My friends are like, oh, my God, he's cuttin' it off.
You're cuttin' it off. He's cuttin' it off!
That's what they call it.
Yeah I'm cutting it off.
They have like a penis guillotine set up for me.
I'm flying over to 17th century France.
Right, there'll be a guy there with a pencil-thin mustache,
a beret, and a cigarette.
He's like, are you ready to get the pee-pee cut off?
Okay move the pee-pee closer, move the pee-pee closer,
move the pee pee--, and voom, voila,
you are a woman now.
(humming cabaret tune)
(audience cheers)
So...
So surprise, surprise, I don't date much,
'cause I confuse people.
You know, like straight men don't wanna date me
because they think I'm a guy,
and that would make them gay.
Lesbians don't wanna date me,
because they think I'm a guy, and that would
make them straight. I'm like...
And you say I have issues, come on.
I, uh... some people have suggested
that I try one of these dating websites.
Well, all these websites act the same way, right?
They, you know, they make you fill out a questionnaire.
Right? You know.
And they try to match you up with
what you have in common with another person, right?
You're all smart people.
You know, you don't need a website
to tell you if you have somethin' in common.
So I say, match people up by what's wrong with them.
Right, it's a much more efficient way to do it.
Like, I'll give you an example.
You match up, say, the anorexics,
match them up with the compulsive eaters.
I mean, think about it. It's like,
you gonna eat that? No, here you can have it.
I love you. I love you.
Or you match up the guys with erectile dysfunction,
match them up with the vaginal dryness women.
(audience cheers)
Think about it, it's like, you feel like doin' it tonight?
Well I do, but I can't. Neither can I!
I love you. I love you.
Right?
Or you match up the people with that sleep apnea,
you know the ones that gotta wear that gas mask to bed.
Match them up with the restless leg people.
This way if they stop breathin' in the middle of the night...
...you got it covered, right?
You'll be-- you'll be layin' in bed,
it'll be like, oh, my God, wake up!
Wake up!
I love you. I love you.
And I love you, thank you all so much.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
(Tammy Pescatelli) I've always been tough.
And you have to be tough to be this age
and still work in the clubs.
I don't wanna have to try to convince people to like me.
I know who I am.
There's a young generation that is not tough.
I could take the whole generation out
with a jar of peanuts.
(audience applauds)
Whoa.
(applause continues)
Hey.
Well, thank you.
It's nice to see people actually laughing now.
It's a hard time in this country.
People are always saying like,
why do you think comics are havin' such a hard time?
And really you wanna know why I think we are?
Too many generations are alive at the same time.
That's why.
I'm not supposed to have to entertain all of you.
Right? I'm supposed to
pick a demographic and stay in my lane.
But you guys wanna come-- there's so many.
You got the Greatest Generation's alive,
baby boomer generation's alive,
Gen X, that's me, Gen Y, millennials, zenial.
Get the hell outta here.
It's ridiculous.
I'm not supposed to go do a show
and you show up with your kids.
Look around, some of you are here with your children.
I don't even know my mother's first name.
It's not fair.
And listen, my sweet, young millennials here.
I know you're a little sensitive and I don't wanna pick on you.
I'm not pickin' on you.
You have somethin' that our generation
will never have again-- hope.
They told you you could be anything you wanted.
That was completely different than our house.
My brother told my father, I wanna be an astronaut,
he goes you're too friggin' stupid.
That's not mean, that's career advice, okay.
And now "stupid" is a bad word, that's what my son--
my son's 11, he came home and he said,
Mommy the teacher told me "stupid" is a bad word.
I said tell your teacher, Mommy's gotta leave
a lotta other words out, stupid is stayin' in.
Okay?
Besides, I'd have nothin' to call his father.
(laughs) Listen...
That's my husband, I love him.
You would love him too.
I'll talk about him a little bit later.
I married the hot kid from the slow class, all right, so...
Hey.
I know who I am.
I take care of me.
I don't need him to do anything for me.
Have sex with me and guard the perimeter.
Know your role, all right? That's it.
What do I need him for?
Yeah that-- you wanna talk about equal opportunity,
that's when we talk about it.
Now I love the young generations,
you do your marches, you do everything.
You know you go, oh women, we support women.
Of course I support women.
How do you think that all these new young comics got here.
All these broads that you've seen march out on stage, okay.
(audience cheers)
That's how they got here.
Just 'cause I don't know how to knit a vagina hat
doesn't mean I wasn't supporting women.
Okay?
Some of you say you support women and you're lyin'.
You're lyin'. And you go, how do you know, Tammy?
I'll tell you how. 'Cause I'm not just a comic,
I'm a behavioral scientist.
I watch people and then I talk about 'em at night.
You lie and pretend you're supporting women
and I know you're lying 'cause you'll take a little picture,
even tonight, with your friends.
(clicks tongue)
Little selfies of yourselves.
Post it up on social media.
And you only fix you.
You leave your friend hangin'.
Oh, my God, you look great.
Did Shrek enjoy the comedy show?
People can't handle it when you tell 'em the truth.
I feel like Jack Nicholson half the time.
You can't handle the truth, that's the problem.
The problem nowadays is that life is tough, stuff happens.
My generation is gettin' old.
I now go to the bathroom
at the time I used to go out to nightclubs.
Okay? I can't find the piece of paper
I wrote all my passwords down.
But I did write 'em in cursive, so there's that.
There's that.
(audience applauds)
Might wanna be nice to an old person
if you wanna read the Declaration of Independence.
Figure out what you're outraged about.
You think I care? I know who I am.
You have to know who you are, you understand?
I know because in my house--
I grew up, I'm 100% Sicilian,
they didn't let you pretend. (audience cheers)
Thank you, the four of you that I'm probably related to.
And I love my people, but Italian people are the worst
because there's always one old Italian lady who's miserable.
You could tell her, I solved--
I solved cancer, I cured cancer.
Meh.
Ah.
That was my grandma.
My grandfather, now he was my best friend.
The day before I got married, my grandfather showed up.
I opened up the door he goes, hey Tam,
today is the best day of your life.
I said, but Pop, I get married tomorrow.
He goes, I know. Today, is the best day.
Listen, for me it worked out.
My cousin not so much.
She's livin' with me, right?
'Cause her husband was takin' pictures of his penis
and sendin' 'em to random broads.
Not random broads, I mean they were specific.
That'd be funny if he was just like air droppin' 'em.
See there's a difference in generations.
When I say "air drop" the young people
you know exactly what I'm talkin' about.
The old people are picturin' 8 by 10 glossies
of a penis...
...with a little parachute tied on it...
...bein' tossed out of a World War II bomber.
Poof, poof, poof, poof.
Like sexual propaganda or somethin'.
That's-- everybody's sexualized now.
Don't worry about those penis pictures.
I'm sure there's an Amish dude right now,
tracin' it on a piece of parchment somewh--
He's got the candle behind him to get the proper glow.
He's got his quill, dippin' it in the ink well.
Then he's gotta roll it up like a scroll
and trot it to his girl's house.
He knocks on the door, herest thou goeth Rebecca.
Rebecca unrolls it
and she can't churn butter correctly for a week.
Don't worry, they're not here,
and they're not gonna be watchin' either, so get over it.
Get over it.
I'm tired, just tired all the time.
That's one thing the youth, you have, you have energy
to have sex and all your fun little things you do,
like your threesomes, whatever.
I'm not judging you.
I'm just telling you, if there was another woman
in bed with my husband and I, I'd be like,
you got this covered 'cause I got stuff to do.
All right?
I'm busy.
(audience applauds)
Make me a sandwich before you leave too, all right?
'Cause I am not gluten free.
I don't know when all that stuff happened.
Gluten, peanut allergies, and stop yourself,
I know peanut allergies are real.
I know it's a real thing.
My brother had a peanut allergy in the '80s, okay?
Back in the '80s, you know what my parents did?
Nothing.
Not a damn thing.
They're like you want that Snickers or not?
So what if you swell?
You don't go to school 'til Monday.
You think they woulda spent $800 on an EpiPen
when it only cost $400 to have a new baby at the hospital?
Do the math.
The old math, not this new stupid math
that they try to tell you.
(audience cheers)
I can't take it any more.
And I'm tellin' you, like-- and I--
sometimes I feel sorry for my husband
'cause I'm always on edge, but the fact of the matter is,
we don't argue over much any more, okay?
Wanna know what we argue about?
A lotta people have talked about this.
We argue over the GPS.
He will listen to that GPS as if it was Moses
coming down off the mountain.
If it said turn left into the ocean,
he would turn left into the ocean.
Hey maybe it's a shortcut.
We're submerged right now.
He's like, you're just jealous.
You're jealous that I listen to her.
I am jealous.
I'm jealous she's somewhere else,
and I'm in the fuckin' car with him.
That's what I am jealous of.
That's what I'm jealous of.
I want that broad's life.
We arg-- I'll tell you.
Here's the other thing we argue about.
He snores and he doesn't believe me.
If somebody who shares a pillow with you,
tells you that you snore, believe them.
Why would I make that up?
Now it's a game.
Now I gotta prove to him.
Now I'm a documentarian.
I gotta film him, right?
Like I'm lookin' for a Yeti in the Andes.
This is ridiculous.
Why would I make that up?
I'm in the business of words.
I'd make up somethin' way more fantastical.
Be like, you know what you do while you sleep?
It's the weirdest thing, you juggle.
Yeah I know. I know.
I heard this noise, boom, boom, boom.
I open my eyes, pillows hittin' the ceiling...
...in a rhythmic formation.
It's ridiculous.
Listen, I love him, I'm not goin' anywhere,
and that fact was tested. Couple years ago he got sick,
really sick, he's okay now, but at the time
when he got sick, we Googled it on WebMD
and we thought for sure he was dyin', right?
And he said to me, he goes, if somethin' happens to me,
I want you to know you can get married again.
I was like, oh my--
I didn't wanna get married this time.
What are the odds I'd get knocked up at this age?
So I said, what do you mean?
Like, he's testing me. You realize that, right?
When he tells me I can get married again.
He's testing me to see if I'm loyal.
Of course I'm loyal.
I'm a 3:00 a.m. friend.
I will show up at three o'clock in the morning
with a shovel and bail money, no questions asked, okay?
That's who I am. But he's testin'--
I get so mad he's testin' me.
'Cause what am I supposed to say to,
you can get married again? Huh?
Oh, can I have Frank's number in case you're in a coma.
So I gave him the answer that I knew he needed, all right,
'cause that's who I am. I love this man.
This is the light of my life.
I told him, I said listen, no matter what happens to you,
as long as I walk this earth
there will never be another man who gets to call me his wife.
And you could tell he was relieved.
I said but I will bang a lotta people.
I'm Tammy Pescatelli, good night, God bless.
Thank you so much.
(audience applauds)
Good night.
(audience cheers)
(upbeat music)
(Thea Vidale) In the '80s,
the club owners segregated us,
because you would never see two or three blacks on a show.
And we wouldn't see no women together either
because they deemed us to all be the same.
You know, comedy is about one person's reality.
So if I have a period and I wanna talk about it,
I should be able to talk about it
'cause I listened to enough of these white boys
talk about their dicks.
(audience cheers)
Oh, my God.
(cheering continues)
I didn't think you people knew who the fuck I was.
I didn't, I...
I'm so glad to be on "Ladies Of A Certain Age,"
'cause I'm gettin' up there.
I'm the only one outta all these women
that's a grandmother.
(audience cheers)
Yeah I got grandbabies, but it's not just my job
to spoil my grandchildren.
It's my job to teach them some shit.
'Cause don't fuck with me, that's what it is okay.
I was babysittin' for my granddaughter Zaya,
and I made her a sandwich, a bowl of soup, and some milk.
She looked at that and said, we don't eat that.
I said, well what do you eat?
We eat Chicken McNuggets,
♪ Chicken McNuggets ♪
I said don't sing about chicken, we black.
Don't do that, don't do that.
So I went to her great grandmother's house
and got one of her live chickens.
And I brought that chicken back.
And she said, Grandma what's that?
I said, this my love is Chicken McNuggets.
And I threw that chicken in the yard and I said,
now you catch that chicken,
we'll have some Chicken McNuggets.
Well after chasin' that chicken for about three hours,
she was more than happy to eat that sandwich
and a bowl of soup.
(audience cheers)
And she don't fuck with me when we ride by McDonald's
'cause she scared she got to catch a cow.
My job is to teach.
Now some of you new parents, you fuckin' it up.
You got the game messed up.
I see you on TV.
My child is my best friend.
Your child is not your friend.
Your child is your offspring, your progeny.
It is your job to govern your child.
Your child can be your friend when they pack they shit
and get the fuck out your house.
(audience applauds)
I ain't friends with nobody who can't buy weed or liquor.
I just don't see...
...where dat's the win-win in this relationship.
How many people have grown children
still askin' 'em for money? By applause.
(audience applauds)
Before I came here, my daughter Magdalene asked me,
Mom do you have $185?
I said yes I do, click.
'Cause I fuck with people.
You know, some of you young people,
you coulda got up out your seat
and let these older people have the seat.
See that's why that Shakespeare said,
youth is wasted on the young.
See you motherfuckers don't think you gonna get old.
If you lucky you will.
Right now your titties is perky and shit.
But one day you gonna wake up,
and one titty gonna be over here,
and one titty gonna be over there.
You gonna lift it up, find a Gummi Bear and eat it.
And say ain't God good?
See you're a young man, your nuts is tight.
Your nuts is tight.
But one day you gonna sit on a toilet,
your nuts gonna hit the water.
You gonna ask her to suck your dick,
she gonna go, uh huh,
smell like boo-boo, can't do it.
See the funny thing about young people
is that they think their parents have a favorite child.
We don't have a favorite child.
All of our children are our favorites
just for different reasons.
Now I'm not gonna say Adam is my favorite,
but I'm gonna say he's mine.
I had him.
My husband is from Trinidad.
We got to the hospital at 2:00 a.m.
Bill went to park the car,
came back, 2:28 he was holdin' his son.
He looked at me and said, ja make that baby fast.
That baby outweighed his twin sisters.
They thought he was twins.
That baby came three weeks early.
I tell people he came out early
'cause there was no more room in the inn.
I nursed him 'til he was five.
I'm lyin.
I nursed him for a year.
And I tell you young sisters when you do have your babies
you should nurse them because it's a beautiful
and bonding thing.
And my husband thought it was beautiful and bondin' too
the first couple of months, but around five, six, seven months
he's lookin' at this boy like he the master cock blocker
of the free world.
He scared he ain't gonna see my pussy no more in life.
We were foolin' around and Adam started cryin'.
And I jumped up and started nursin' him.
Bill is pacing back and forth goin, look at he.
He do it on purpose.
Tell he to hurry up and eat.
And my son, with my tit in his mouth,
looked up at his Daddy and smiled and patted my breast
as if to say, later for you, Negro, later for you.
That sweet precious boy
told me somethin' I didn't wanna hear.
Told me he was in love.
That this girl was different and special.
I said, why am I the last one to find out?
He said, 'cause, Ma, you know how you are.
And I said, How the fuck am I?!
And his father and him went...
I said, well what's special's name?
He said Melissa.
I said, what's different about her?
He said, she's an albino.
So I said, bring the rabbit over.
He's brings Melissa over.
Melissa is a statuesque, blond-haired, blue-eyed,
look like a Swedish model.
I said, boy, that ain't no albino, that's a cracker,
what you talkin' about?
I'm teasing, I don't use those euphemisms in my home,
nor have I taught my children to use those euphemisms.
I just said that to say this.
You can't tell your children who to love.
They gonna love who the fuck they wanna love.
And if you're wise,
you'll keep your narrow-minded opinions to yourself
and enjoy your grandchildren.
(audience cheers)
I love Melissa to death,
but that's the non-cookin'est bitch I ever laid eyes on.
Everything she cook,
Campbell Soup got somethin' to do with it.
She made some kinda gray, gelatinous shit,
Bill looked at it and said, me not eatin' dat.
I looked up at my son, I said, him not eatin' that.
He said you have to, I love her.
I said, you fuckin' her, you gotta eat it.
We goin' to Popeyes.
Now one of my twins is married, to a woman.
Don't look at me crazy, I support my children.
(audience applauds)
And for the people that profess to be
such great Christians, let us be clear on somethin'.
It's not between me and God, it's between her and God.
And if I'm not mistaken, the Bible clearly states,
judge not lest ye be judged.
Now some of y'all got family members
get drunk every weekend, you got to bail 'em outta jail.
My daughter just eatin' pussy.
The way I got it figured I'm aheada the game.
(audience cheers)
Is this too real for some of y'all?
Okay.
I remember like it was yesterday.
Magdalene called me up she said Momma,
Keisha gave me a two-and-half carat, platinum, diamond ring.
I say what?
She said Keisha gave me a two-and-half carat,
platinum, diamond ring.
I said put Keisha on the phone.
I said Keisha did you give my baby a ring?
She said yes ma'am, I did.
I said what you tryin' to say?
She said well I know I took her out your house,
and I know I'm ten years older than her,
but I love your daughter.
I promise you she won't want for nothin'.
All her needs will be met.
I adore your daughter.
I wanna grow old with your daughter.
I said, wow, her Daddy didn't even say that to me.
I said put Magdalene back on the phone, please.
I said Magdalene, what kinda pussy eatin'
is you over there doin'?
I been fuckin' your Daddy for ten years,
he ain't gave me no two-and-a-half carat,
platinum, diamond ring.
You tell Mommy what you did.
Tell Mommy what you did.
So she asked me, she said, will you tell Daddy?
And I said fuck, I don't feel like that.
And the reason I don't feel like that
because foreign black men are the most homophobic men
on the face of the earth.
And that's because homosexuality is not tolerated
in their country, or they eradicate it.
So I don't feel like tellin' him.
I don't, I don't.
I'm sittin' there and I'm waitin' for him
to come home and stuff, I'm nervous.
♪ What a friend we have in Jesus ♪
Oh hi Bill, how you doin'?
How was your day?
Me day good.
That's good.
So Bill, you know Magdalene right?
He said, yeah me know she.
I said well Magdalene's, um, gay.
He said, oh ho.
Who's the cock and who's the hen?
I said, Magdalene is the hen.
But that's really not the issue.
The issue is Keisha gave Magdalene a two-and-a-half carat
platinum, diamond ring.
And I been fuckin' you for how long man, how long?
(audience cheers)
Well, I'mma tell you all somethin' 'cause I got to go.
Yeah, I got to fuckin' go.
There's cigarettes to be smoked, and weed to go look for.
Um, you know here lately in the news,
there's been a lotta racial upheaval
goin' on in this country.
And I wanted to tell you 'cause we good friends now,
'cause we talked about dick and everything,
is that we are all Americans.
We are one nation under God.
(audience cheers) Hold on, hold on.
And if we have never stuck together,
we better stick together now.
Because if any other country was ever to come over here
and take over, we all be niggers
and some of y'all are inexperienced.
Thank you for letting me be myself, y'all, thank you.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
This is my whole career.
When I get on the plane, I turn right or I turn left.
I turn right if I'm a stand-up, and I sit in 38G.
If I turn left, I'm being an actress and I sit in 2A.
Those are my two lives. Wow.
I can be in 1A for ten years, I wanna go to 38G.
I wanna be among people. I wanna talk.
I wanna be a stand-up comedian.
I don't want you to think of me as being,
you know famous, I want you to think of me
as somebody that will make you laugh.
(audience applauds)
Thank you. Thank you.
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
(audience applauds)
Thank you.
Oh, my God, really, thank you, thank you.
(audience applauds)
It makes me nervous when you applaud that much,
like you thought I was dead.
Oh, she's alive, thank God.
How are you?
(audience cheers)
You know what, thank you, it's very nice to be on
"Women of a Certain Age,"
(Caroline giggles)
because what would the all-male special be called?
Congress? Um...
(Caroline giggles)
I don't like that, "of a certain age."
What does that mean?
If we were filming this in L.A., everyone would be 24.
That's it, done.
I actually live in Los Angeles.
I moved there in my 50s with my tween
because I like a challenge and, um,
since I've been in Los Angeles,
everybody just talks about plastic surgery,
just openly, all the time.
And people are always coming up to me
and they're like, oh, my God, Caroline your face is so full.
What kind of filler do you use?
Is it Juvederm, or Restylane, and I'm like, fudge.
It's fudge.
Yeah, fudge.
I put a little bit of vanilla down by my mouth
and then all around my eyes is Rocky Road.
But, um...
I'm not a fan of living in Los Angeles
for a number of reasons.
One, I can't merge, so I have to leave my house
in the lane that I wanna end up in.
And that just like takes forever.
And, um...
It's a long way to San Francisco.
And I hate Waze so much.
This is my impression of Waze.
Turn left into oncoming traffic.
Cross a five-lane highway.
There is a feather 400 feet in front of you.
I do find the thing about aging is my memory
is not so great.
Like whenever I walk in a room,
I can't remember why I walked in that room,
but for some reason I always think
there's gonna be a clue in the fridge and, um...
I'm always like halfway through a sandwich,
like oh, my God, I forgot to file my taxes.
Oh, my God.
It's terrible, the whole memory thing.
If you see two middle-aged women having lunch together,
they're both just staring at each other,
like you know they don't remember
what they had just said.
It's like an episode of "Law & Order."
I don't know, you said bird and then the bread came,
and then...
something about your mother, I don't know.
It comes from my father.
My father, he obviously lost his memory,
'cause my father, I have two sisters,
and he would say this to us all the time.
He'd be like, girls, the most important thing in life
is one thing and if you know that one thing
everything's gonna be okay.
What is it, Dad? What's what, honey?
I'm like, okay.
I had my daughter when I was 44 and I am,
yes, I know. (audience cheering)
It's impressive.
I am 38 now and I...
So my daughter is ten and she comes home
from school sometimes and she's like,
there's a girl that wants to become a boy
and a boy that wants to become a girl,
and this is very normal for her.
And so she was describing this boy and she said,
Mommy, he's non-binary.
And I said, well honey what does that mean?
And goes, Mommy you should really know.
You should really know.
And I'm like, okay, well, just explain it to me one more time.
And she said it means he doesn't identify as a boy or a girl.
And I said, honey, that's called menopause.
It's very weird, I get hit on by young men.
I know, it's ridiculous.
Thanks for the complete and utter shock and I...
Just like dead silence, like really? No. I...
Really? Yeah. I do.
This gorgeous 25-year-old, he was so good-looking.
He was the stage manager on my show.
And he said, Caroline, I wanna come home with you.
And I said, are you locked out?
Do you wanna use my phone?
And he said, no, I wanna be with you.
And I was like, (Caroline laughs)
You do?
Okay, great, I'm gonna go home right now.
I'm gonna need about half an hour of lead time
to shoot out every street lamp between here and my apartment
and then I'm gonna put some temporary blinding drops
in your eyes.
They're gonna sting at first, but it's gonna make it better
for both of us.
And I'll be naked with my stomach over my head,
'cause I had a C-section at 44.
(rolls tongue)
I can't sleep with a young guy.
I live in fear of his Facebook status saying,
I fucked Aunt Hilda and it was magical.
I can't do that.
So this one cute boy, he kept on saying to me,
send me a picture of your boobs.
And I was like, what!
And he goes, no, seriously, send me a picture of your boobs.
You want me to send you a picture of my naked boobs?
And he was like, yes.
So I sent him my mammogram and...
Yeah, it got rid of his lump.
So I...
I know you like, people do this now, but you know what,
so I tried to play along.
Do you know how hard it is to take a good picture
of your boob while holding the camera over your head,
so you don't have like 50 chins?
I was like, 'cause you're not gonna send this.
So I was like...
I'm like lying on the bed, they were both immediately
on the side table. I, um...
Exhausted from a long day, sound asleep.
Come one, girls, take a picture.
Seriously, it was like bad children taking a picture,
one was looking forward, the other one was looking back.
I was like, oh, come on.
So I finally, I texted him and I said,
I'm gonna have to send them one at a time.
I can't.
So I study Kabbalah and my sister's very supportive.
She calls it Kablahblah and...
And you know, it's like my teacher's from Israel.
And he has this like crazy Israeli accent.
And he's trying to really like teach me the way,
but because of his accent this is what he says,
Caroline, the most important thing is that you fuck us.
Fuck us in the morning.
Fuck us all day.
And fuck us right before bed.
I'm like, it's a long "O."
That is really gonna get you in quite a bit of trouble.
So this woman came up to me and she goes,
you know, I know that you're a porn star.
I googled you and I said,
wasn't it obvious upon meeting me?
Why are they all porn stars?
There's no porn character actors and, um...
There's not.
There's no porn neighbor.
I got your package.
Anyway, um...
So she was right.
It wasn't that she was a porn star.
There was a woman who has my name, I think she's Korean,
and she's a phone sex operator. I know, isn't that crazy?
But there's not a lot of middle-aged phone sex operators.
Hey baby, yeah, do you wanna come over
and bend me over the coffee table?
Yeah, well, not the whole way, I herniated L3 and L4.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, maybe I could climb up on top,
well, I can't because I tore my meniscus, but I...
What fetish do you like?
Bunions. (rolls tongue)
Shingles. (hissing)
Maybe we could do shots, flu shots.
I went to a plastic surgeon,
because I wanted to get a tummy tuck.
And he had the meanest receptionist ever.
So I walked in and she said, so what is it
that you hate the most about yourself?
And I was like, um...
I said, I just wanna talk to the doctor.
I'll wait to talk to the doctor.
She goes, what do you hate most about your body?
And I was like, okay, I'm gonna cry and, um...
And she goes, I said, I just wanna talk to the doctor.
And she goes, well, what do you hate the most?
I'm like, you, I hate you right now.
You, I hate you.
That's what I hate the most right now.
So anyway, the doctor came in
and he did the worst thing possible.
He went like this.
'Cause you know in his head, he was thinking,
I'm gonna buy a car.
Or a very small boat.
But he saw money.
Anyway, so he goes like this.
He grabs my stomach, literally, and like walks backwards.
Like as if he was moonwalking with my stomach.
And he got like a fair distance away from me
and he said, you know what, this is not gonna snap back
because of your age and you don't have any elasticity.
And I was like, well, could you just walk it back then?
Because this is...
It's all, like this age, it's very tricky.
I went to the gynecologist,
I'm like, why does it hurt so much
when I have sex with my boyfriend,
besides the fact that I hate him?
And, um...
She said, because as we age
your vaginal walls get thinner.
I'm like, oh, really? I work out five times a week
and the only part of my body that's getting thinner
is my vagina.
Great, great.
(audience applauds)
I often hear as I walk down the street,
her vagina's so thin.
It looks so much heavier on TV.
It's really very thin.
(audience cheers)
All right, let that do.
Peace out, thank you.
(audience applauds)
Being a woman in comedy is not easy.
You have to be your own biggest fan, you know.
And not in a big-headed way, but in the,
if you're not your own biggest fan, who's gonna be?
The men back when I started, they were just ridiculous.
Coke-snortin', golf-playin', arrogant little boys.
They're weren't that respectful of women.
I had a .357 Magnum, and if we was gonna fight,
I knew who was gonna get hurt.
I stayed in a condo for an entire week
with a guy who was convicted of multiple rapes,
and I didn't complain about it, even though I knew
he was creepy, because I wanted to work.
You know, I went from being a privileged male
to now I'm in like four different oppressed minorities.
How many times do people come up to you and go,
you know why I love you, you say all the things
that I'm thinking and I didn't get to say myself.
Absolutely. Sometimes to my husband, you know.
Because I would, I think at the beginning
I felt like I will speak, I'm gonna tell you
all the things that a woman's actually
really thinking about you. Yes.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
How you doin'?
And you, how you doin'?
Nothin', still nothin'.
(upbeat music)
(dramatic music)