1 00:00:01,750 --> 00:00:04,083 (dramatic music) 2 00:00:04,166 --> 00:00:07,542 So here we are again, "Funny Women of a Certain Age," 3 00:00:07,625 --> 00:00:09,083 the second special. 4 00:00:09,166 --> 00:00:13,291 Aw, I know, you thought this was gonna be a one-off. 5 00:00:13,375 --> 00:00:15,667 Listen, I've been doin' stand-up for 40 years, 6 00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:17,291 and I'm 61 years old. 7 00:00:17,375 --> 00:00:21,542 Maybe I get a pity fuck, but I don't get a pity special. 8 00:00:22,834 --> 00:00:25,000 (upbeat music) 9 00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:28,000 (audience applauds) 10 00:00:28,083 --> 00:00:30,208 I'm so excited about the show tonight. 11 00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:32,834 Just-- the talent is unbelievable. 12 00:00:32,917 --> 00:00:34,917 I identify as a stand-up comedian, 13 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,208 like first and foremost. 14 00:00:36,291 --> 00:00:38,500 We're literally standing 15 00:00:38,583 --> 00:00:40,208 on a New York street corner 16 00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:42,959 and we're so old no one's yelling anything to us. 17 00:00:43,041 --> 00:00:44,208 (laughing) 18 00:00:44,291 --> 00:00:47,083 I've been doing stand-up for 42 years. 19 00:00:47,166 --> 00:00:49,542 There's still nothing better than going on stage 20 00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:53,375 and telling jokes to live drunks. 21 00:00:53,458 --> 00:00:56,500 (upbeat music) 22 00:01:04,291 --> 00:01:05,458 (Carol Leifer) It doesn't matter 23 00:01:05,542 --> 00:01:07,959 whether it's stand-up or comedy writing, 24 00:01:08,041 --> 00:01:10,750 I always tell women to pursue it because, 25 00:01:10,834 --> 00:01:13,000 for example, when I was at "Seinfeld," 26 00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:14,291 I know that a man 27 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,000 would have never pitched Elaine thinks 28 00:01:16,083 --> 00:01:17,291 that the Korean manicurists 29 00:01:17,375 --> 00:01:18,667 are talkin' about her behind her back... 30 00:01:18,750 --> 00:01:19,834 (Carole Montgomery) Right, absolutely. 31 00:01:19,917 --> 00:01:21,125 ...because that had happened to me. 32 00:01:21,208 --> 00:01:23,917 So I always say to women, go into the field 33 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,458 because we have experiences and funniness 34 00:01:27,542 --> 00:01:29,291 that doesn't happen to men. And we have to use that. 35 00:01:29,375 --> 00:01:30,500 Absolutely. 36 00:01:30,583 --> 00:01:33,583 (audience cheers) 37 00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,291 Unbelievable. 38 00:01:47,166 --> 00:01:50,792 Well, good evening. What up, Brooklyn? 39 00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:53,500 (audience cheers) 40 00:01:53,583 --> 00:01:54,500 How great is this? 41 00:01:54,583 --> 00:01:56,375 Thank you all for being here. 42 00:01:56,458 --> 00:01:57,959 Oh, my God, I am so excited. 43 00:01:58,041 --> 00:02:01,917 What a pleasure to work with all these women tonight. 44 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,208 (audience cheers) 45 00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:04,917 Yeah. 46 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,041 But outside of here, not so rosy ladies and gentlemen. 47 00:02:08,125 --> 00:02:10,208 Ladies, we still have big strides to make. 48 00:02:10,291 --> 00:02:11,125 You ready for this? 49 00:02:11,208 --> 00:02:13,125 Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. 50 00:02:13,208 --> 00:02:15,500 First question the new boss asked her 51 00:02:15,583 --> 00:02:18,333 was if she could make a good cup of coffee. 52 00:02:18,417 --> 00:02:20,291 (audience groans) 53 00:02:20,375 --> 00:02:23,208 Yeah, she stormed right outta that Starbucks. 54 00:02:26,375 --> 00:02:31,834 So here we are, funny women of a "certain" age. 55 00:02:31,917 --> 00:02:36,041 Well, I'll get specific with ya, what the hell. 56 00:02:36,125 --> 00:02:38,458 Couple months ago I turned 63. 57 00:02:38,542 --> 00:02:41,583 (audience cheers) 58 00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:45,458 Thank you. 59 00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:48,083 Yeah it's so funny, my agent came to my show last week 60 00:02:48,166 --> 00:02:49,750 and afterwards he's like, why you tellin' 61 00:02:49,834 --> 00:02:52,125 people in the audience how old you are? 62 00:02:52,208 --> 00:02:56,834 And I'm like, because it gets applause. 63 00:02:56,917 --> 00:02:59,000 Yeah, gettin' older. 64 00:02:59,083 --> 00:02:59,834 It's a bitch. 65 00:02:59,917 --> 00:03:01,667 You know what the worst part is? 66 00:03:01,750 --> 00:03:05,750 You ever have to enter your age online? 67 00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:09,583 Sit there scrolling. 68 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:12,375 Scrolling. 69 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:14,458 (sighs) 70 00:03:16,709 --> 00:03:19,834 But now that I told you how old I am, 71 00:03:19,917 --> 00:03:22,875 let's see how old you all are. 72 00:03:22,959 --> 00:03:25,625 Do you have an old timey first name like me? 73 00:03:25,709 --> 00:03:28,000 Carol. 74 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,625 Are you named Cathy, 75 00:03:30,709 --> 00:03:35,041 Susan, Linda? 76 00:03:35,125 --> 00:03:36,709 Mindy? 77 00:03:36,792 --> 00:03:39,208 These are all names that tell the world, 78 00:03:39,291 --> 00:03:42,500 you're not 30 anymore. 79 00:03:42,583 --> 00:03:46,583 There's no babies being named Carol. 80 00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:47,542 No. 81 00:03:47,625 --> 00:03:49,208 And here's what's wild, okay. 82 00:03:49,291 --> 00:03:51,041 I go to Starbucks every day. 83 00:03:51,125 --> 00:03:52,208 I cannot tell ya how many times 84 00:03:52,291 --> 00:03:55,750 when the barista's asked my name and I've said Carol, 85 00:03:55,834 --> 00:03:58,875 they've asked me, with a "C" or a "K"? 86 00:04:00,208 --> 00:04:01,458 (sighs) 87 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:04,000 With a "C" or a "K." 88 00:04:04,083 --> 00:04:06,959 Yeah, it's actually with a hard "Q." 89 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,417 Yeah, like in Qatar. 90 00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:22,166 'Nother old timey first name of 91 00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:26,834 the guys of my generation is Richard. 92 00:04:26,917 --> 00:04:28,750 Yes Richard, popular name. 93 00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,166 And of course, we all know 94 00:04:30,250 --> 00:04:32,750 the nickname for Richard would be? 95 00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:33,917 (scattered audience response) 96 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,834 Dick. Dick! 97 00:04:36,917 --> 00:04:40,582 Yeah, can't go around callin' people Dick now. 98 00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:41,792 Are you kidding? 99 00:04:41,875 --> 00:04:43,582 Especially in the workplace. 100 00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:48,417 Two seconds, you have HR up your butt. 101 00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:49,959 Yeah Ms. Leifer we received a complaint. 102 00:04:50,041 --> 00:04:56,667 Apparently you called Richard in Accounting a dick. 103 00:04:56,750 --> 00:04:57,875 (sighs) 104 00:04:57,959 --> 00:04:59,792 I didn't call him a dick. 105 00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:01,709 I called him Dick. 106 00:05:01,792 --> 00:05:05,834 Well I'm sorry, but your argument is pretty half-cocked. 107 00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:12,792 Sorry if you feel like I've given you the shaft. 108 00:05:12,875 --> 00:05:14,875 Ball's in your court. 109 00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:20,917 Plastic surgery, haven't had any. 110 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,291 Yep, I'm for real. 111 00:05:23,375 --> 00:05:26,875 (audience cheers) 112 00:05:26,959 --> 00:05:29,082 Well mostly because I'm afraid. 113 00:05:29,166 --> 00:05:30,875 I mean, so many of these procedures 114 00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:33,082 are so wack, aren't they? 115 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,834 Oh my God, have you heard about this one? 116 00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:36,750 I'm not makin' this one up, okay. 117 00:05:36,834 --> 00:05:40,082 Where they take the fat from a woman's buttocks 118 00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:43,082 and inject it into the lips. 119 00:05:45,375 --> 00:05:48,625 Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "kiss my ass." 120 00:05:52,332 --> 00:05:56,582 Well what can I say, I'm old. 121 00:05:56,667 --> 00:06:00,875 I thought Wikileaks was a new type of pad. 122 00:06:06,375 --> 00:06:09,208 You know what I am totally obsessed with, though? 123 00:06:09,291 --> 00:06:11,834 You know that Life Alert button? 124 00:06:11,917 --> 00:06:13,250 Yeah, I know I'm a little young for it, 125 00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:14,208 but it's amazing, like you just push it 126 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:17,375 and they're there like two seconds later. 127 00:06:17,457 --> 00:06:18,417 I have a feeling though, 128 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:22,332 I might get a little devious with it though. 129 00:06:22,417 --> 00:06:23,792 You know, I'd be like, 130 00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:30,000 help, I've fallen, and I'd love a turkey sandwich. 131 00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,709 But I like to think I'm still pretty hip. 132 00:06:38,792 --> 00:06:42,709 Pretty happenin' with the young people. 133 00:06:42,792 --> 00:06:44,959 Well, I work with a lotta young writers you know. 134 00:06:45,041 --> 00:06:46,959 And like last week, 135 00:06:47,041 --> 00:06:49,625 I went to lunch with this guy who's like 23. 136 00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:53,792 And this great song came over the PA in the restaurant. 137 00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:56,625 And I said to him, I wish I could find out 138 00:06:56,709 --> 00:06:58,250 what this song is, I really like it. 139 00:06:58,332 --> 00:07:02,792 And he said to me, why don't you Shazam it? 140 00:07:02,875 --> 00:07:06,542 And I actually went, Shazam. 141 00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:13,166 (blowing into mic) 142 00:07:15,709 --> 00:07:17,834 But I'll tell ya one thing I love about gettin' older, 143 00:07:17,917 --> 00:07:21,250 oh, I do-- senior discounts! 144 00:07:21,332 --> 00:07:22,667 (audience cheers) 145 00:07:22,750 --> 00:07:26,250 Oh yeah, you like a bargain like me, right? 146 00:07:26,332 --> 00:07:28,625 Yeah, but I'll be very honest with you guys, 147 00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:30,875 a big reason why I'm here tonight 148 00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:34,166 is because I got a Groupon to perform. 149 00:07:42,082 --> 00:07:43,625 But it's a different world, different world 150 00:07:43,709 --> 00:07:46,250 than when I was growin' up. See it everywhere. 151 00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:49,667 Like, take for instance, tattoos. 152 00:07:49,750 --> 00:07:51,250 Okay, when I was growin' up 153 00:07:51,332 --> 00:07:55,125 tattoos were like for sketchy people. 154 00:07:55,207 --> 00:07:59,917 You know, like unsavory sailors. 155 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,917 Inmates from cell block "B." 156 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:08,250 Yeah, now my aunt Ruth in Boca has a tattoo. 157 00:08:11,083 --> 00:08:15,083 Look, it's my brisket. 158 00:08:22,792 --> 00:08:26,625 Technology, isn't it amazing how far we've come? 159 00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:28,000 You know, my mom is gone now, 160 00:08:28,082 --> 00:08:29,750 but I think of her all the time. 161 00:08:29,834 --> 00:08:32,875 You know what invention my mom would have flipped for? 162 00:08:32,959 --> 00:08:36,792 The navigation system in the car. 163 00:08:36,875 --> 00:08:39,542 Oh are you kidding? Another woman talking to her 164 00:08:39,625 --> 00:08:43,165 the entire time she's in the car. 165 00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:46,709 Are you kidding, this is a Jewish woman's dream! 166 00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:51,542 And you know how you can program the accent? 167 00:08:51,625 --> 00:08:55,375 You know, she'd set it to like Cedarhurst, Long Island. 168 00:08:59,750 --> 00:09:01,834 All right, I'm gonna put you 169 00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:04,625 on the Long Island Expressway now. 170 00:09:06,875 --> 00:09:09,417 No, no, you know what? 171 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:13,166 No, I'm not going to, no. 172 00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:14,709 No, and you know why? 173 00:09:14,792 --> 00:09:18,375 They drive like maniacs on that LIE, like maniacs. 174 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,875 You get on there, you take your life in your hands. 175 00:09:20,959 --> 00:09:22,125 No we're doin' surface streets. 176 00:09:22,208 --> 00:09:24,583 We're doin' surface streets only! 177 00:09:26,542 --> 00:09:29,542 Are you hungry? 178 00:09:29,625 --> 00:09:33,208 Tatala, I only had an English muffin for breakfast. 179 00:09:33,290 --> 00:09:35,125 And they're not very filling and oh, my God, 180 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:39,165 oi gevalt, look out, make a left, make a left! 181 00:09:42,375 --> 00:09:46,290 And that's what we call "JewPS." 182 00:09:47,709 --> 00:09:49,375 You've been terrific! 183 00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,083 Thank you so much! Thank you! 184 00:09:51,165 --> 00:09:53,125 (audience cheers) 185 00:09:53,208 --> 00:09:54,250 Thanks! 186 00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:55,959 (cheering continues) 187 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,750 (upbeat music) 188 00:09:57,834 --> 00:09:59,417 (Carole Montgomery) Everybody thinks when you're a road comic 189 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,291 it's this glamorous life. 190 00:10:01,375 --> 00:10:02,583 See this? 191 00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:04,417 This is what it's like to be a road comic. 192 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,917 Okay, this is the green room. 193 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,667 And where they put you up is a comedy condo, 194 00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:12,083 which is a broken down, one-bedroom apartment 195 00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:14,417 that you have to share with three other male comics. 196 00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:18,125 And the number one rule in comedy-condo etiquette, 197 00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:21,083 you never eat the mayonnaise. Why? 198 00:10:21,166 --> 00:10:23,291 Someone's put his dick in it. 199 00:10:23,375 --> 00:10:26,458 (audience cheers) 200 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,165 Thank you so much. 201 00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:40,583 Holy shit, we're doin' another one! 202 00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:45,375 (audience cheers) 203 00:10:45,458 --> 00:10:47,458 (sighs) 204 00:10:47,542 --> 00:10:49,333 So I recently turned 61. 205 00:10:49,417 --> 00:10:51,458 (audience cheers) 206 00:10:51,542 --> 00:10:52,290 A lot of young people wanna know 207 00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:54,625 what it's like being in your 60s. 208 00:10:54,709 --> 00:10:56,583 So basically this is it. 209 00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:59,959 There's a lotta moaning. 210 00:11:00,041 --> 00:11:02,208 But it's not from sex. 211 00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:03,583 Lemme explain what I mean. 212 00:11:03,667 --> 00:11:04,709 So last weekend I was at my sister's house 213 00:11:04,792 --> 00:11:07,417 for a barbecue, right? So I said I'd help clean up. 214 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,750 So I'm in the kitchen, 215 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,041 her and her husband are in the living room, 216 00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:11,125 I'm doin' the dishes, 217 00:11:11,208 --> 00:11:12,333 all of a sudden I hear this. 218 00:11:12,417 --> 00:11:16,667 Oh, oh, oh! 219 00:11:16,750 --> 00:11:18,166 And I'm doin' the dishes going, 220 00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:21,500 are they fucking in the living room? 221 00:11:21,583 --> 00:11:24,875 I walked in, they were tryin' to get off the couch. 222 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,125 Look, I am proud about my age, okay. 223 00:11:33,208 --> 00:11:34,542 I'm so proud about my age. 224 00:11:34,625 --> 00:11:37,625 (audience cheers) 225 00:11:37,709 --> 00:11:40,834 And when I was in Los Angeles promoting the first special, 226 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,458 I would talk about being in my 60s 227 00:11:42,542 --> 00:11:44,834 and the young L.A. women they were so adorable. 228 00:11:44,917 --> 00:11:47,040 They were like, oh my God, Carole, you're so brave 229 00:11:47,125 --> 00:11:50,417 talking about your age. 230 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,083 I'm like, I don't go into burning buildings, 231 00:11:52,165 --> 00:11:55,709 I tell dick jokes for a living, okay, calm down, calm down. 232 00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:59,375 And this one young girl, this one L.A. girl, 233 00:11:59,417 --> 00:12:00,333 she was like Carole, I know you don't like plastic surgery 234 00:12:00,417 --> 00:12:02,458 but I gotta tell you about this new thing 235 00:12:02,542 --> 00:12:03,750 that they're doing in L.A. 236 00:12:03,792 --> 00:12:05,959 It's called vaginal rejuvenation. 237 00:12:06,083 --> 00:12:07,417 Have you heard about this? 238 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,458 I know, look at the look of-- you're like, what? 239 00:12:09,542 --> 00:12:12,083 No listen what this is, it's plastic surgery 240 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:16,500 for your vagina, to make it look younger. 241 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:22,333 Now we have all seen bad face-lifts, right? 242 00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,417 What's a bad face-lift? 243 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:34,834 If you get a bad doctor for down there, 244 00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:37,290 what's it's gonna look like? 245 00:12:37,375 --> 00:12:40,458 (audience applauds) 246 00:12:43,290 --> 00:12:45,625 That's not pretty is what I'm saying. 247 00:12:45,709 --> 00:12:47,375 It's just not pretty. 248 00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:49,959 But I understand, I understand why some women 249 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,917 would want to do that, you know, especially if you're a mom. 250 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,000 Because, we do have a lotta moms here tonight, right? 251 00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:59,250 (audience cheers) Right, right. 252 00:12:59,333 --> 00:13:01,625 Childbirth fucks up your shit. 253 00:13:01,709 --> 00:13:03,291 Do you know what I'm saying? It fucks everything. 254 00:13:03,375 --> 00:13:05,792 First of all, you know, young women like, 255 00:13:05,875 --> 00:13:06,667 when they hear about childbirth 256 00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:09,875 they think it's beautiful and magical. 257 00:13:09,959 --> 00:13:13,291 And angels are singing, and unicorns are-- 258 00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:16,125 you shit yourself, okay, just so you... 259 00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:24,000 A giant head comes out of a space this small. 260 00:13:24,083 --> 00:13:25,875 I don't remember much about my childbirth, 261 00:13:25,959 --> 00:13:27,000 but I do remember looking down 262 00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:30,166 and seeing the doctor sewing up my lower region. 263 00:13:30,250 --> 00:13:31,709 And me turnin' to my husband and going, 264 00:13:31,792 --> 00:13:34,458 might as well, you're never getting in again. 265 00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:39,583 My son was born two weeks late, okay. 266 00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:40,333 Typical man, he wanted to stay inside 267 00:13:40,417 --> 00:13:43,417 as long as he possibly could. 268 00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:51,709 And that little shit would not come out of me, okay? 269 00:13:51,792 --> 00:13:53,165 So I call my doctor, right? 270 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,792 It was a Friday afternoon, I'll never forget this, 271 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:56,417 I said, please can I come in, please induce me. 272 00:13:56,500 --> 00:14:00,083 He goes, Carole, I'm golfing this weekend. 273 00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:01,667 I'll induce ya on Monday. 274 00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:04,417 But over the weekend try to induce your baby yourself. 275 00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:05,625 This is actually a medical procedure, 276 00:14:05,709 --> 00:14:06,875 it's called natural induction. 277 00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:08,208 You have to make love a lot, 278 00:14:08,291 --> 00:14:09,834 have nipple stimulation, 279 00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,959 and take a lotta long walks. 280 00:14:12,041 --> 00:14:13,542 My husband hears this and he goes, 281 00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:15,166 so lemme get this straight, I get to fuck ya, 282 00:14:15,250 --> 00:14:16,542 play with your tits, and tell ya to go take a hike? 283 00:14:16,625 --> 00:14:18,417 I could do that. 284 00:14:25,959 --> 00:14:27,750 I still can't, I mean I know that I'm 61, 285 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,625 I still can't believe that I have an adult son. 286 00:14:29,709 --> 00:14:31,500 I have a 27-year-old son. 287 00:14:31,583 --> 00:14:33,792 (audience cheers) 288 00:14:33,875 --> 00:14:34,542 And I'm very close with my son. 289 00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,625 Are you close with your kids? 290 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,959 Yeah, I'm very close. I'm very close to my son. 291 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,750 He tells me everything. 292 00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:44,750 Everything, 293 00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:46,750 Everything! 294 00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:48,500 And it's my fault, 'cause I was pregnant, 295 00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:49,458 I took him with me. I was on the road, 296 00:14:49,542 --> 00:14:52,000 as a baby, I took him with me, you know. 297 00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:54,208 He's been around comedy his whole life, you understand? 298 00:14:54,290 --> 00:14:56,667 So he tells me stuff. When he was 12, 299 00:14:56,750 --> 00:14:58,165 I was driving him to school one day, 300 00:14:58,250 --> 00:14:59,583 and we're at a stoplight, and here's what I hear 301 00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:01,083 my 12-year-old son say to me. 302 00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:04,709 Mommy, don't tell Daddy, but I haven't masturbated yet. 303 00:15:04,792 --> 00:15:06,291 Okay. 304 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,166 I mean what do you do, what do you do? 305 00:15:09,250 --> 00:15:11,625 He's tryin' to communicate. So I was tryin' to like think, 306 00:15:11,709 --> 00:15:13,000 okay I have to say the right thing. 307 00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:15,625 So very slow, very, very calmly I said, 308 00:15:15,709 --> 00:15:18,500 honey whenever you're ready, you go and do it. 309 00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:19,750 And then I gunned the car, 310 00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:20,959 I made it to school in two minutes. 311 00:15:21,041 --> 00:15:23,959 I'm like, get outta the car! 312 00:15:24,041 --> 00:15:26,458 So when he was 14, two years later right. 313 00:15:26,542 --> 00:15:29,125 We're back here in New York City. 314 00:15:29,208 --> 00:15:29,959 He's in the shower. 315 00:15:30,041 --> 00:15:31,417 It's his first day of high school. 316 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:32,792 I'm making breakfast for him. 317 00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:34,709 From the shower I hear, 318 00:15:34,792 --> 00:15:38,125 Mom, there's a cut on my penis! 319 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,290 And in my head I'm thinkin', 320 00:15:44,375 --> 00:15:47,208 do you ever talk to your fuckin' father? 321 00:15:55,750 --> 00:15:57,500 So I say to my husband, who's sound asleep, 322 00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:58,917 I get right in his face, I go, 323 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,750 wake up, your son has a cut on his dick! 324 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:07,750 He literally pops outta bed. He runs into the bathroom. 325 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,333 He runs right back out and he goes, 326 00:16:09,417 --> 00:16:12,417 he didn't use enough lotion, I'm goin' back to bed. 327 00:16:15,166 --> 00:16:16,834 Yeah, and that's how I found out, 328 00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:19,542 'cause the next day all of my lotion went missing. 329 00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:23,750 And when he was 18 right, 330 00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:25,500 he was dating a young lady and they were in love. 331 00:16:25,583 --> 00:16:26,792 So they decided they wanted 332 00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:28,333 to lose their virginity to each other. 333 00:16:28,417 --> 00:16:31,875 So who does he come to? 334 00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:33,750 All I said was, listen honey just make sure 335 00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,208 you use birth control, right, good mom, right? 336 00:16:35,290 --> 00:16:36,667 So he says, what happens if my girlfriend says 337 00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:38,208 she's on the pill Mom? 338 00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:42,834 I said that could be Prozac, do not trust that little bitch. 339 00:16:42,917 --> 00:16:46,000 (audience whoops and applauds) 340 00:16:48,834 --> 00:16:50,834 So I once again went to my husband and said, 341 00:16:50,917 --> 00:16:52,792 go get-- go get him condoms. 342 00:16:52,875 --> 00:16:56,165 Now, there are reasonable men in this group. 343 00:16:56,250 --> 00:16:59,458 Most reasonable men would get their son a three pack. 344 00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:04,666 My husband bought him a box of 40 fucking condoms. 345 00:17:08,165 --> 00:17:10,290 He went to Costco. 346 00:17:13,791 --> 00:17:19,333 Well, Kirkland makes an amazing condom. 347 00:17:19,416 --> 00:17:21,959 Thank you, Costco shoppers. 348 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,208 I bought him a case of Gatorade. 349 00:17:23,290 --> 00:17:26,541 Didn't want him to get dehydrated. 350 00:17:26,625 --> 00:17:28,917 But here's the best part. Here's how he told me. 351 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,750 You woulda thought he woulda called me, right? 352 00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:32,250 He texted me. 353 00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:34,375 Here's the text. 354 00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:35,917 I'm a man now. 355 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,709 (audience groans) 356 00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:39,709 So I texted him back. 357 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,000 That is great honey. 358 00:17:41,083 --> 00:17:43,083 I'm gonna go fuck Daddy. Love you. 359 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:50,917 And he's 27, so he's a millennial. 360 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,083 And, like, the people who have millennials, 361 00:17:53,166 --> 00:17:55,041 are they still livin' with ya? 362 00:17:55,125 --> 00:17:56,667 Oh, they're the worst, man. 363 00:17:56,750 --> 00:17:59,250 They leave, they come back, they leave, they come back. 364 00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:03,709 I moved, he found me, you know what I mean? 365 00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:04,917 So he did move out. The first time 366 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,000 he ever moved out he was 20 years old. 367 00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:08,125 He was out for two years, it was really good. 368 00:18:08,208 --> 00:18:09,291 And then he moved back, he was having roommate problems. 369 00:18:09,375 --> 00:18:11,917 And I remember saying to him, why did you move out? 370 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,291 You know, we live in New York City, it's very expensive. 371 00:18:14,375 --> 00:18:16,291 And he goes, Mom, I was startin' to date. 372 00:18:16,375 --> 00:18:20,542 I was worried if I brought home a girl you'd walk in on us. 373 00:18:20,625 --> 00:18:21,917 I'm like, that's horrible. 374 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,709 I would never do somethin' like that. 375 00:18:25,792 --> 00:18:27,792 But then he moved back home, he brought home a girl, 376 00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:30,375 and I had to 'cause he challenged me. 377 00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:40,917 And it was a Saturday night, and the subway wasn't running, 378 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,500 'cause the girlfriend lived in Brooklyn 379 00:18:42,583 --> 00:18:45,000 'cause that's where they all fucking live. 380 00:18:48,959 --> 00:18:50,417 And I said to him, I said, hon-- 381 00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:52,083 you know, I said to the girl, I said look it's late, 382 00:18:52,166 --> 00:18:53,667 don't take an Uber, just stay over, 383 00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:55,166 I'll see ya tomorrow, everything'll be fine, right? 384 00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:59,375 And then I waited. 385 00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:01,333 About two hours. 386 00:19:01,417 --> 00:19:02,959 And then I just burst into his room. 387 00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:06,000 Oh you're doin' it all wrong! Lift her up, lift her up! 388 00:19:06,083 --> 00:19:09,291 (audience applauds) 389 00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:16,709 And then he moved to Los Angeles. 390 00:19:16,792 --> 00:19:20,625 Thank you so much everybody. I love you, thank you! 391 00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:21,917 (audience applauds) 392 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,125 Thank you so much. 393 00:19:23,208 --> 00:19:25,000 (audience cheers) 394 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,208 (upbeat music) 395 00:19:29,291 --> 00:19:31,875 "America's Got Talent" was life changing for me. 396 00:19:31,959 --> 00:19:33,125 I had a joke in my act back at the time 397 00:19:33,208 --> 00:19:34,667 where I used the "F" bomb. 398 00:19:34,750 --> 00:19:37,583 Just before the-- I went on stage, the producer 399 00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:40,542 he said to me, Julia, are you going to say it? 400 00:19:40,625 --> 00:19:42,125 And I was like, no, man, I'm not-- 401 00:19:42,208 --> 00:19:44,041 And he goes, they'll love it. 402 00:19:44,125 --> 00:19:46,542 So I'm on-- I'm filmin' this thing. 403 00:19:46,625 --> 00:19:49,083 It's like 13 million people watchin' 404 00:19:49,166 --> 00:19:51,291 and I looked at the audience and I just went, 405 00:19:51,375 --> 00:19:52,542 you know, fuck that! 406 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,375 The audience just went berserk. 407 00:19:55,458 --> 00:19:59,375 But I saw Simon laughing, and that was even better. 408 00:19:59,458 --> 00:20:02,583 (audience cheers) 409 00:20:06,208 --> 00:20:08,500 Oh, my God, look at this place! 410 00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:10,375 Whoa, man! 411 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,834 (audience applauds) 412 00:20:13,917 --> 00:20:16,333 Wow, look at this. Fantastic. 413 00:20:16,417 --> 00:20:18,208 It's so nice to see so many people here 414 00:20:18,291 --> 00:20:21,417 that I don't know and it's good to... uh-huh. 415 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,500 So I'm gonna start, and I'm tellin' ya, 416 00:20:23,583 --> 00:20:26,083 I--I'm, uh... I turned 65. 417 00:20:26,166 --> 00:20:29,667 (audience cheers) 418 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:30,291 Please, that just means I didn't die 419 00:20:30,375 --> 00:20:33,959 from last year, you know. 420 00:20:34,041 --> 00:20:37,083 And I am what's officially known as the golden years. 421 00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:38,417 I'm in those now. 422 00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:40,333 And I don't know who named these things, 423 00:20:40,417 --> 00:20:43,083 but that's the stupidest name I've ever heard in my life. 424 00:20:43,166 --> 00:20:45,083 Golden years, lemme tell ya somethin', 425 00:20:45,166 --> 00:20:47,625 I was standin' in front of the mirror naked this morning... 426 00:20:47,709 --> 00:20:49,500 ...and if these are the golden years, 427 00:20:49,583 --> 00:20:53,333 the price of gold just collapsed. 428 00:20:57,875 --> 00:20:59,125 Everything's goin' on me. 429 00:20:59,208 --> 00:21:01,542 My eyes are goin', my hearing's going. 430 00:21:01,625 --> 00:21:03,375 All right, you too, the same thing? 431 00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:07,125 You know what I found this morning in my microwave? 432 00:21:07,208 --> 00:21:09,166 I found a jar of mayonnaise. 433 00:21:11,750 --> 00:21:14,792 I have no idea how it got there. 434 00:21:14,875 --> 00:21:18,208 I live alone, so I know I put it there. 435 00:21:18,291 --> 00:21:21,750 The cat's not capable of liftin' such a great weight. 436 00:21:24,125 --> 00:21:24,792 Oh my God, I'm tellin' ya. 437 00:21:24,875 --> 00:21:26,792 I've reached this point where, 438 00:21:26,875 --> 00:21:29,000 I don't know if I should say this but, 439 00:21:29,083 --> 00:21:34,375 there are some days... when I just smell funny. 440 00:21:39,291 --> 00:21:41,375 For no apparent reason. 441 00:21:43,166 --> 00:21:44,917 I've had a lotta health problems this year. 442 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,375 I've had more body parts moved around this year, 443 00:21:47,458 --> 00:21:50,583 I'm startin' to feel like Mrs. Potato Head. 444 00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:51,875 Oh, my God, I had-- 445 00:21:51,959 --> 00:21:54,834 two years ago I had both hips replaced. 446 00:21:54,917 --> 00:21:56,834 I had a pacemaker put in. 447 00:21:56,917 --> 00:22:01,041 About a month and a half ago I had my spine rebuilt. 448 00:22:01,125 --> 00:22:03,208 I know. 449 00:22:06,166 --> 00:22:08,917 That's why I'm telling you this. 450 00:22:10,208 --> 00:22:11,166 And last Christmas, 451 00:22:11,250 --> 00:22:15,000 last Christmas I had quadruple bypass surgery. 452 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:16,208 (audience moans) 453 00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:19,709 I know. 454 00:22:19,792 --> 00:22:21,875 That was my Christmas present. 455 00:22:21,959 --> 00:22:25,417 All I asked for was I wanted a puppy, that was it. 456 00:22:26,458 --> 00:22:30,041 My doctor says, now I've got all my new parts, 457 00:22:30,125 --> 00:22:31,792 I could live to be 100. 458 00:22:31,875 --> 00:22:33,375 I'm like, get the hell outta here. 459 00:22:33,458 --> 00:22:36,709 You do that I'll sue you for malpractice, ya bastard. 460 00:22:39,291 --> 00:22:42,417 Have you ever seen 100-year-old people? 461 00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:44,709 They're friggin' creepy. 462 00:22:46,667 --> 00:22:48,041 Oh, my God, they always have them 463 00:22:48,125 --> 00:22:50,208 on the "Today" show in the morning. 464 00:22:50,291 --> 00:22:51,542 Right, they wheel 'em out. 465 00:22:51,625 --> 00:22:54,000 Poor bastard doesn't even know where he's at. 466 00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:59,709 He's lookin' around like, is this Iwo Jima? 467 00:23:04,583 --> 00:23:08,750 Right, and then they put the little cone hat on his head. 468 00:23:08,834 --> 00:23:10,750 They pull the chin strap down, 469 00:23:10,834 --> 00:23:14,333 it snaps back up and he's lookin' like that. 470 00:23:14,417 --> 00:23:15,667 And then they wheel the cake out. 471 00:23:15,750 --> 00:23:17,542 It's got 100 candles on it. 472 00:23:17,625 --> 00:23:19,417 Like are you kiddin', he's on oxygen, 473 00:23:19,500 --> 00:23:21,959 get that away from him. 474 00:23:27,875 --> 00:23:29,125 And the gifts, you know, 475 00:23:29,208 --> 00:23:30,834 the gifts suck when you get older, right? 476 00:23:30,917 --> 00:23:32,125 Right? You know what, 477 00:23:32,208 --> 00:23:33,750 my birthday gifts, you know what I got? 478 00:23:33,834 --> 00:23:37,458 Slippers and a jigsaw puzzle. 479 00:23:40,709 --> 00:23:44,166 Right, and I'm supposed to get excited about this. 480 00:23:44,250 --> 00:23:48,875 I'm like, oh look, it's a 5,000-piece puzzle. 481 00:23:50,208 --> 00:23:54,250 And it says here on the box it's 80% sky. 482 00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:03,542 That's gonna keep me busy on those cold winter nights. 483 00:24:03,625 --> 00:24:07,750 Glad I got these shitty slippers to keep my feet warm. 484 00:24:10,333 --> 00:24:12,250 I want good gifts like I used to get. 485 00:24:12,333 --> 00:24:14,542 I want like a bike. 486 00:24:14,667 --> 00:24:16,667 You know, or a TV. 487 00:24:16,750 --> 00:24:18,917 Or a vibrator. 488 00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:25,667 I want a life-size, chocolate George Clooney. 489 00:24:25,750 --> 00:24:28,125 Right? That I could start eatin' in the middle. 490 00:24:28,208 --> 00:24:30,959 (audience cheers) 491 00:24:31,041 --> 00:24:33,083 Right, but I can't even have chocolate any more, 492 00:24:33,166 --> 00:24:36,542 'cause it constipates me. 493 00:24:36,625 --> 00:24:39,542 That's a big deal in old people land, constipation, right? 494 00:24:39,625 --> 00:24:43,083 It's such a big deal we made it into an occasion. 495 00:24:43,166 --> 00:24:47,083 We call it occasional constipation. 496 00:24:47,166 --> 00:24:50,333 It's like a friggin' holiday now. 497 00:24:50,417 --> 00:24:51,792 Oh, my God, Constipation Day's comin', 498 00:24:51,875 --> 00:24:53,542 Constipation Day's comin'! 499 00:24:53,625 --> 00:24:55,000 I can't believe Walmart 500 00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:58,667 put up the Constipation Day decorations already. 501 00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:02,125 It's only September. You know. 502 00:25:02,208 --> 00:25:05,166 Are you goin' to the big Constipation Day parade? 503 00:25:05,250 --> 00:25:07,000 No I'm not movin'. 504 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:13,083 Neither is the parade. 505 00:25:13,166 --> 00:25:16,667 So, I feel, you know, I been feelin' outta touch lately, 506 00:25:16,750 --> 00:25:18,834 the older I get, especially around young people. 507 00:25:18,917 --> 00:25:21,041 I wanna-- I wanna-- like, you're so young. 508 00:25:21,125 --> 00:25:25,000 I mean, I wanna be hip like, you know, so that you like me. 509 00:25:31,667 --> 00:25:34,250 No, but I do. And it's, you know, like I-- 510 00:25:34,333 --> 00:25:36,667 Especially with the music. I can't keep up with the music. 511 00:25:36,750 --> 00:25:37,709 Like I just found out 512 00:25:37,792 --> 00:25:41,333 Ariana Grande is not a drink from Starbucks. 513 00:25:45,959 --> 00:25:47,250 Right? I swear to God, 514 00:25:47,333 --> 00:25:50,709 I can't even watch the History Channel any more. 515 00:25:50,792 --> 00:25:53,458 I just sit there all day goin', I remember that. 516 00:25:57,875 --> 00:26:00,291 I remember that too. 517 00:26:00,375 --> 00:26:01,875 Wait a minute, is that me runnin' 518 00:26:01,959 --> 00:26:04,000 through the mud at Woodstock naked? 519 00:26:04,083 --> 00:26:06,417 (audience cheers) 520 00:26:09,458 --> 00:26:11,625 And the world's gotten really weird, man. 521 00:26:11,709 --> 00:26:12,792 It's a frightening world. 522 00:26:12,875 --> 00:26:14,125 We're all afraid of marauders now, 523 00:26:14,208 --> 00:26:15,750 bandidos, they're everywhere. 524 00:26:17,583 --> 00:26:19,750 Now they got this thing called a see somethin', 525 00:26:19,834 --> 00:26:21,083 say somethin' hotline. 526 00:26:21,166 --> 00:26:22,959 Are you familiar with this? Yeah. 527 00:26:23,041 --> 00:26:24,333 If you don't know about it, what it is, 528 00:26:24,417 --> 00:26:27,000 is, uh, if you see somethin' suspicious, 529 00:26:27,083 --> 00:26:29,041 you're supposed to call it in. 530 00:26:29,125 --> 00:26:30,542 Big brother, right? 531 00:26:30,625 --> 00:26:33,709 Anybody know the phone number for the see something? 532 00:26:33,792 --> 00:26:35,625 No. 533 00:26:42,083 --> 00:26:44,417 Anybody ever see something? 534 00:26:48,083 --> 00:26:49,834 But they spend all this money 535 00:26:49,917 --> 00:26:52,166 to train all these highly-trained professionals, 536 00:26:52,250 --> 00:26:55,500 to operate the see something, say something hotline. 537 00:26:55,583 --> 00:26:57,083 I'd be like, see something, say something hotline. 538 00:26:57,166 --> 00:27:02,500 Ya see somethin'? 539 00:27:02,583 --> 00:27:05,375 Hi, I'm a longtime listener, first-time caller. 540 00:27:10,291 --> 00:27:11,542 See something, say something hotline, 541 00:27:11,625 --> 00:27:12,667 ya see somethin'? 542 00:27:12,750 --> 00:27:14,375 Hi, it's my girl's birthday. 543 00:27:14,458 --> 00:27:19,041 Can you play "Free Bird"? It's like... 544 00:27:19,125 --> 00:27:20,583 See, the thing of it is, 545 00:27:20,667 --> 00:27:22,375 if you actually ever see somethin' 546 00:27:22,458 --> 00:27:24,166 you're gonna know it. You're gonna know it right away. 547 00:27:24,250 --> 00:27:30,166 Like if you ever see say, I dunno, a coyote... 548 00:27:30,250 --> 00:27:34,625 right, walkin' down the street on its hind legs, 549 00:27:34,709 --> 00:27:37,250 and it's carryin' a box of dynamite. 550 00:27:42,917 --> 00:27:47,291 And the side of the box just says Acme Dynamite Company. 551 00:27:47,375 --> 00:27:49,709 You've seen something, you know. 552 00:27:52,041 --> 00:27:54,625 So... 553 00:27:54,709 --> 00:27:56,917 You guys are fun, man. 554 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,917 So you should know this, if you didn't know this 555 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,125 about me I'll tell ya right now, I'm transgendered. 556 00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:03,375 Where are my trans folks? Let me hear ya. 557 00:28:03,458 --> 00:28:04,709 (audience member cheers, scattered clapping) 558 00:28:04,792 --> 00:28:07,250 Really? Really? 559 00:28:07,333 --> 00:28:09,834 Boy, I'm usually the only one. 560 00:28:09,917 --> 00:28:13,083 It's tough bein' trans in this country, it really is. 561 00:28:13,166 --> 00:28:15,250 Like I always thought it would be so much easier 562 00:28:15,333 --> 00:28:17,083 if I were just gay. 563 00:28:17,166 --> 00:28:21,166 Seriously, gay, I could do gay standin' on my head. 564 00:28:21,250 --> 00:28:24,333 Which would make me very popular in the gay community. 565 00:28:27,709 --> 00:28:29,750 But it's harder for you if you-- you know, you could be gay 566 00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:31,250 and you could stay in the closet your whole life. 567 00:28:31,333 --> 00:28:32,917 Nobody ever has to know. 568 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,625 Not if you're trans. 569 00:28:34,709 --> 00:28:37,792 You gotta come out to everybody. Everybody. 570 00:28:37,875 --> 00:28:40,125 You show up at work one day in heels and a skirt, 571 00:28:40,208 --> 00:28:42,417 people are gonna notice. 572 00:28:45,500 --> 00:28:46,709 That's when you get a little, 573 00:28:46,792 --> 00:28:49,250 Bob look a little different to you today? 574 00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:55,000 What is it Bob, new haircut? I don't know, just... 575 00:28:57,875 --> 00:29:00,917 Oh man, and I, you know, I hadda come out to my fam-- 576 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,792 I had to-- I was married when I came out. 577 00:29:02,875 --> 00:29:06,959 Boy, shoulda been there for that conversation. 578 00:29:07,041 --> 00:29:08,625 I took my ex out for a nice dinner. 579 00:29:08,709 --> 00:29:10,875 We sat down, I said, honey we have to talk. 580 00:29:10,959 --> 00:29:14,208 She just looked at me she goes, is it another woman? 581 00:29:21,417 --> 00:29:23,959 Kinda, yeah, you know. 582 00:29:24,041 --> 00:29:25,250 She's like, is she prettier than me? 583 00:29:25,333 --> 00:29:26,834 I go, yep. 584 00:29:30,083 --> 00:29:31,834 All my female friends were so welcoming. 585 00:29:31,917 --> 00:29:33,208 They took me right in under, you know, under their wing. 586 00:29:33,291 --> 00:29:35,375 Men, not so much. They freaked out. 587 00:29:35,458 --> 00:29:39,083 My friends are like, oh, my God, he's cuttin' it off. 588 00:29:39,166 --> 00:29:40,667 You're cuttin' it off. He's cuttin' it off! 589 00:29:40,750 --> 00:29:41,959 That's what they call it. 590 00:29:42,041 --> 00:29:43,000 Yeah I'm cutting it off. 591 00:29:43,083 --> 00:29:46,041 They have like a penis guillotine set up for me. 592 00:29:48,417 --> 00:29:53,083 I'm flying over to 17th century France. 593 00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:56,041 Right, there'll be a guy there with a pencil-thin mustache, 594 00:29:56,125 --> 00:29:57,709 a beret, and a cigarette. 595 00:29:57,792 --> 00:30:01,917 He's like, are you ready to get the pee-pee cut off? 596 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,208 Okay move the pee-pee closer, move the pee-pee closer, 597 00:30:03,291 --> 00:30:08,500 move the pee pee--, and voom, voila, 598 00:30:08,583 --> 00:30:09,083 you are a woman now. 599 00:30:09,166 --> 00:30:13,375 (humming cabaret tune) 600 00:30:13,458 --> 00:30:16,458 (audience cheers) 601 00:30:18,625 --> 00:30:19,750 So... 602 00:30:19,834 --> 00:30:23,166 So surprise, surprise, I don't date much, 603 00:30:23,250 --> 00:30:25,000 'cause I confuse people. 604 00:30:25,083 --> 00:30:26,041 You know, like straight men don't wanna date me 605 00:30:26,125 --> 00:30:28,375 because they think I'm a guy, 606 00:30:28,458 --> 00:30:30,166 and that would make them gay. 607 00:30:30,250 --> 00:30:31,583 Lesbians don't wanna date me, 608 00:30:31,667 --> 00:30:32,417 because they think I'm a guy, and that would 609 00:30:32,500 --> 00:30:35,291 make them straight. I'm like... 610 00:30:37,834 --> 00:30:40,333 And you say I have issues, come on. 611 00:30:44,458 --> 00:30:46,625 I, uh... some people have suggested 612 00:30:46,709 --> 00:30:50,542 that I try one of these dating websites. 613 00:30:50,625 --> 00:30:52,625 Well, all these websites act the same way, right? 614 00:30:52,709 --> 00:30:56,417 They, you know, they make you fill out a questionnaire. 615 00:30:56,500 --> 00:30:57,709 Right? You know. 616 00:30:57,792 --> 00:30:59,250 And they try to match you up with 617 00:30:59,333 --> 00:31:00,959 what you have in common with another person, right? 618 00:31:01,041 --> 00:31:03,667 You're all smart people. 619 00:31:03,750 --> 00:31:05,583 You know, you don't need a website 620 00:31:05,667 --> 00:31:07,625 to tell you if you have somethin' in common. 621 00:31:07,709 --> 00:31:12,000 So I say, match people up by what's wrong with them. 622 00:31:15,583 --> 00:31:18,083 Right, it's a much more efficient way to do it. 623 00:31:18,166 --> 00:31:19,375 Like, I'll give you an example. 624 00:31:19,458 --> 00:31:20,458 You match up, say, the anorexics, 625 00:31:20,542 --> 00:31:24,291 match them up with the compulsive eaters. 626 00:31:24,375 --> 00:31:25,834 I mean, think about it. It's like, 627 00:31:25,917 --> 00:31:28,333 you gonna eat that? No, here you can have it. 628 00:31:33,834 --> 00:31:36,750 I love you. I love you. 629 00:31:39,834 --> 00:31:42,959 Or you match up the guys with erectile dysfunction, 630 00:31:43,041 --> 00:31:45,792 match them up with the vaginal dryness women. 631 00:31:45,875 --> 00:31:47,083 (audience cheers) 632 00:31:47,166 --> 00:31:48,291 Think about it, it's like, you feel like doin' it tonight? 633 00:31:48,375 --> 00:31:53,959 Well I do, but I can't. Neither can I! 634 00:31:54,041 --> 00:31:56,834 I love you. I love you. 635 00:32:00,792 --> 00:32:02,166 Right? 636 00:32:02,250 --> 00:32:04,041 Or you match up the people with that sleep apnea, 637 00:32:04,125 --> 00:32:07,500 you know the ones that gotta wear that gas mask to bed. 638 00:32:07,583 --> 00:32:11,875 Match them up with the restless leg people. 639 00:32:11,959 --> 00:32:15,375 This way if they stop breathin' in the middle of the night... 640 00:32:23,583 --> 00:32:24,417 ...you got it covered, right? 641 00:32:24,500 --> 00:32:27,000 You'll be-- you'll be layin' in bed, 642 00:32:27,083 --> 00:32:30,208 it'll be like, oh, my God, wake up! 643 00:32:30,291 --> 00:32:32,041 Wake up! 644 00:32:36,709 --> 00:32:39,709 I love you. I love you. 645 00:32:39,792 --> 00:32:41,333 And I love you, thank you all so much. 646 00:32:41,417 --> 00:32:44,500 (audience applauds) 647 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,208 (upbeat music) 648 00:32:52,291 --> 00:32:53,583 (Tammy Pescatelli) I've always been tough. 649 00:32:53,667 --> 00:32:55,750 And you have to be tough to be this age 650 00:32:55,834 --> 00:32:57,542 and still work in the clubs. 651 00:32:57,625 --> 00:33:00,333 I don't wanna have to try to convince people to like me. 652 00:33:00,417 --> 00:33:01,750 I know who I am. 653 00:33:01,834 --> 00:33:04,542 There's a young generation that is not tough. 654 00:33:04,625 --> 00:33:06,375 I could take the whole generation out 655 00:33:06,458 --> 00:33:08,125 with a jar of peanuts. 656 00:33:08,208 --> 00:33:11,667 (audience applauds) 657 00:33:15,166 --> 00:33:16,458 Whoa. 658 00:33:16,542 --> 00:33:18,041 (applause continues) 659 00:33:18,125 --> 00:33:19,500 Hey. 660 00:33:20,959 --> 00:33:22,333 Well, thank you. 661 00:33:22,417 --> 00:33:25,250 It's nice to see people actually laughing now. 662 00:33:25,333 --> 00:33:27,834 It's a hard time in this country. 663 00:33:27,917 --> 00:33:29,250 People are always saying like, 664 00:33:29,333 --> 00:33:31,875 why do you think comics are havin' such a hard time? 665 00:33:31,959 --> 00:33:34,417 And really you wanna know why I think we are? 666 00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:37,834 Too many generations are alive at the same time. 667 00:33:39,792 --> 00:33:41,166 That's why. 668 00:33:41,250 --> 00:33:44,667 I'm not supposed to have to entertain all of you. 669 00:33:44,750 --> 00:33:46,250 Right? I'm supposed to 670 00:33:46,333 --> 00:33:49,250 pick a demographic and stay in my lane. 671 00:33:49,333 --> 00:33:51,250 But you guys wanna come-- there's so many. 672 00:33:51,333 --> 00:33:54,250 You got the Greatest Generation's alive, 673 00:33:54,333 --> 00:33:56,333 baby boomer generation's alive, 674 00:33:56,417 --> 00:33:59,083 Gen X, that's me, Gen Y, millennials, zenial. 675 00:33:59,166 --> 00:34:02,625 Get the hell outta here. 676 00:34:02,709 --> 00:34:03,959 It's ridiculous. 677 00:34:04,041 --> 00:34:05,291 I'm not supposed to go do a show 678 00:34:05,375 --> 00:34:07,667 and you show up with your kids. 679 00:34:07,750 --> 00:34:10,667 Look around, some of you are here with your children. 680 00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:13,250 I don't even know my mother's first name. 681 00:34:16,041 --> 00:34:17,917 It's not fair. 682 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:19,625 And listen, my sweet, young millennials here. 683 00:34:19,708 --> 00:34:22,125 I know you're a little sensitive and I don't wanna pick on you. 684 00:34:22,208 --> 00:34:23,625 I'm not pickin' on you. 685 00:34:23,708 --> 00:34:26,083 You have somethin' that our generation 686 00:34:26,166 --> 00:34:28,875 will never have again-- hope. 687 00:34:31,875 --> 00:34:35,458 They told you you could be anything you wanted. 688 00:34:35,542 --> 00:34:37,792 That was completely different than our house. 689 00:34:37,875 --> 00:34:40,041 My brother told my father, I wanna be an astronaut, 690 00:34:40,125 --> 00:34:42,333 he goes you're too friggin' stupid. 691 00:34:46,333 --> 00:34:49,792 That's not mean, that's career advice, okay. 692 00:34:52,333 --> 00:34:54,166 And now "stupid" is a bad word, that's what my son-- 693 00:34:54,250 --> 00:34:55,250 my son's 11, he came home and he said, 694 00:34:55,333 --> 00:34:59,959 Mommy the teacher told me "stupid" is a bad word. 695 00:35:00,041 --> 00:35:02,166 I said tell your teacher, Mommy's gotta leave 696 00:35:02,250 --> 00:35:07,041 a lotta other words out, stupid is stayin' in. 697 00:35:07,125 --> 00:35:08,709 Okay? 698 00:35:10,291 --> 00:35:12,709 Besides, I'd have nothin' to call his father. 699 00:35:12,792 --> 00:35:13,959 (laughs) Listen... 700 00:35:14,041 --> 00:35:15,917 That's my husband, I love him. 701 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:17,250 You would love him too. 702 00:35:17,333 --> 00:35:19,166 I'll talk about him a little bit later. 703 00:35:19,250 --> 00:35:24,000 I married the hot kid from the slow class, all right, so... 704 00:35:24,083 --> 00:35:25,333 Hey. 705 00:35:29,166 --> 00:35:30,875 I know who I am. 706 00:35:30,959 --> 00:35:32,125 I take care of me. 707 00:35:32,208 --> 00:35:33,834 I don't need him to do anything for me. 708 00:35:33,917 --> 00:35:35,709 Have sex with me and guard the perimeter. 709 00:35:35,792 --> 00:35:39,041 Know your role, all right? That's it. 710 00:35:39,125 --> 00:35:41,375 What do I need him for? 711 00:35:43,333 --> 00:35:45,959 Yeah that-- you wanna talk about equal opportunity, 712 00:35:46,041 --> 00:35:47,208 that's when we talk about it. 713 00:35:47,291 --> 00:35:48,917 Now I love the young generations, 714 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:50,500 you do your marches, you do everything. 715 00:35:50,583 --> 00:35:53,166 You know you go, oh women, we support women. 716 00:35:53,250 --> 00:35:54,750 Of course I support women. 717 00:35:54,834 --> 00:35:57,375 How do you think that all these new young comics got here. 718 00:35:57,500 --> 00:36:00,834 All these broads that you've seen march out on stage, okay. 719 00:36:00,917 --> 00:36:02,041 (audience cheers) 720 00:36:02,166 --> 00:36:02,959 That's how they got here. 721 00:36:05,542 --> 00:36:08,041 Just 'cause I don't know how to knit a vagina hat 722 00:36:08,083 --> 00:36:10,917 doesn't mean I wasn't supporting women. 723 00:36:13,208 --> 00:36:15,041 Okay? 724 00:36:17,792 --> 00:36:21,000 Some of you say you support women and you're lyin'. 725 00:36:21,083 --> 00:36:23,291 You're lyin'. And you go, how do you know, Tammy? 726 00:36:23,375 --> 00:36:24,834 I'll tell you how. 'Cause I'm not just a comic, 727 00:36:24,917 --> 00:36:27,166 I'm a behavioral scientist. 728 00:36:27,250 --> 00:36:30,208 I watch people and then I talk about 'em at night. 729 00:36:32,542 --> 00:36:34,000 You lie and pretend you're supporting women 730 00:36:34,083 --> 00:36:36,917 and I know you're lying 'cause you'll take a little picture, 731 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:38,250 even tonight, with your friends. 732 00:36:38,333 --> 00:36:39,542 (clicks tongue) 733 00:36:39,625 --> 00:36:40,834 Little selfies of yourselves. 734 00:36:40,917 --> 00:36:42,834 Post it up on social media. 735 00:36:42,917 --> 00:36:46,792 And you only fix you. 736 00:36:46,875 --> 00:36:50,250 You leave your friend hangin'. 737 00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:52,250 Oh, my God, you look great. 738 00:36:52,333 --> 00:36:55,291 Did Shrek enjoy the comedy show? 739 00:36:57,166 --> 00:36:58,917 People can't handle it when you tell 'em the truth. 740 00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,000 I feel like Jack Nicholson half the time. 741 00:37:01,083 --> 00:37:03,458 You can't handle the truth, that's the problem. 742 00:37:03,542 --> 00:37:07,000 The problem nowadays is that life is tough, stuff happens. 743 00:37:07,083 --> 00:37:08,542 My generation is gettin' old. 744 00:37:08,625 --> 00:37:10,750 I now go to the bathroom 745 00:37:10,834 --> 00:37:13,458 at the time I used to go out to nightclubs. 746 00:37:15,333 --> 00:37:16,667 Okay? I can't find the piece of paper 747 00:37:16,750 --> 00:37:20,041 I wrote all my passwords down. 748 00:37:21,125 --> 00:37:26,500 But I did write 'em in cursive, so there's that. 749 00:37:26,583 --> 00:37:27,583 There's that. 750 00:37:27,667 --> 00:37:29,834 (audience applauds) 751 00:37:29,917 --> 00:37:31,417 Might wanna be nice to an old person 752 00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:35,542 if you wanna read the Declaration of Independence. 753 00:37:35,625 --> 00:37:38,583 Figure out what you're outraged about. 754 00:37:38,667 --> 00:37:42,041 You think I care? I know who I am. 755 00:37:42,125 --> 00:37:45,000 You have to know who you are, you understand? 756 00:37:45,083 --> 00:37:46,208 I know because in my house-- 757 00:37:46,291 --> 00:37:48,125 I grew up, I'm 100% Sicilian, 758 00:37:48,208 --> 00:37:50,208 they didn't let you pretend. (audience cheers) 759 00:37:50,291 --> 00:37:53,667 Thank you, the four of you that I'm probably related to. 760 00:37:56,417 --> 00:37:58,792 And I love my people, but Italian people are the worst 761 00:37:58,875 --> 00:38:04,041 because there's always one old Italian lady who's miserable. 762 00:38:04,125 --> 00:38:06,208 You could tell her, I solved-- 763 00:38:06,291 --> 00:38:09,041 I solved cancer, I cured cancer. 764 00:38:09,125 --> 00:38:12,375 Meh. 765 00:38:12,458 --> 00:38:14,834 Ah. 766 00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:16,083 That was my grandma. 767 00:38:16,166 --> 00:38:19,208 My grandfather, now he was my best friend. 768 00:38:19,291 --> 00:38:23,083 The day before I got married, my grandfather showed up. 769 00:38:23,166 --> 00:38:24,750 I opened up the door he goes, hey Tam, 770 00:38:24,834 --> 00:38:28,208 today is the best day of your life. 771 00:38:28,291 --> 00:38:30,250 I said, but Pop, I get married tomorrow. 772 00:38:30,333 --> 00:38:33,166 He goes, I know. Today, is the best day. 773 00:38:41,667 --> 00:38:44,000 Listen, for me it worked out. 774 00:38:44,083 --> 00:38:45,375 My cousin not so much. 775 00:38:45,458 --> 00:38:47,083 She's livin' with me, right? 776 00:38:47,166 --> 00:38:49,208 'Cause her husband was takin' pictures of his penis 777 00:38:49,291 --> 00:38:51,709 and sendin' 'em to random broads. 778 00:38:51,792 --> 00:38:54,458 Not random broads, I mean they were specific. 779 00:38:54,542 --> 00:38:57,458 That'd be funny if he was just like air droppin' 'em. 780 00:39:00,083 --> 00:39:02,625 See there's a difference in generations. 781 00:39:02,709 --> 00:39:04,125 When I say "air drop" the young people 782 00:39:04,208 --> 00:39:06,250 you know exactly what I'm talkin' about. 783 00:39:06,333 --> 00:39:09,166 The old people are picturin' 8 by 10 glossies 784 00:39:09,250 --> 00:39:11,500 of a penis... 785 00:39:11,583 --> 00:39:15,500 ...with a little parachute tied on it... 786 00:39:15,583 --> 00:39:18,667 ...bein' tossed out of a World War II bomber. 787 00:39:18,750 --> 00:39:21,250 Poof, poof, poof, poof. 788 00:39:21,333 --> 00:39:24,291 Like sexual propaganda or somethin'. 789 00:39:27,709 --> 00:39:29,417 That's-- everybody's sexualized now. 790 00:39:29,500 --> 00:39:31,208 Don't worry about those penis pictures. 791 00:39:31,291 --> 00:39:33,083 I'm sure there's an Amish dude right now, 792 00:39:33,166 --> 00:39:37,875 tracin' it on a piece of parchment somewh-- 793 00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:42,792 He's got the candle behind him to get the proper glow. 794 00:39:42,875 --> 00:39:45,250 He's got his quill, dippin' it in the ink well. 795 00:39:45,333 --> 00:39:47,417 Then he's gotta roll it up like a scroll 796 00:39:47,500 --> 00:39:49,625 and trot it to his girl's house. 797 00:39:51,458 --> 00:39:56,000 He knocks on the door, herest thou goeth Rebecca. 798 00:39:56,083 --> 00:39:57,458 Rebecca unrolls it 799 00:39:57,542 --> 00:40:00,041 and she can't churn butter correctly for a week. 800 00:40:02,542 --> 00:40:03,959 Don't worry, they're not here, 801 00:40:04,041 --> 00:40:07,041 and they're not gonna be watchin' either, so get over it. 802 00:40:09,250 --> 00:40:11,542 Get over it. 803 00:40:11,625 --> 00:40:14,583 I'm tired, just tired all the time. 804 00:40:14,667 --> 00:40:18,208 That's one thing the youth, you have, you have energy 805 00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:21,709 to have sex and all your fun little things you do, 806 00:40:21,792 --> 00:40:23,375 like your threesomes, whatever. 807 00:40:23,458 --> 00:40:24,875 I'm not judging you. 808 00:40:24,959 --> 00:40:26,750 I'm just telling you, if there was another woman 809 00:40:26,834 --> 00:40:28,875 in bed with my husband and I, I'd be like, 810 00:40:28,959 --> 00:40:31,333 you got this covered 'cause I got stuff to do. 811 00:40:31,417 --> 00:40:33,834 All right? 812 00:40:33,917 --> 00:40:35,208 I'm busy. 813 00:40:35,291 --> 00:40:37,625 (audience applauds) 814 00:40:39,333 --> 00:40:43,166 Make me a sandwich before you leave too, all right? 815 00:40:43,250 --> 00:40:46,125 'Cause I am not gluten free. 816 00:40:48,208 --> 00:40:49,125 I don't know when all that stuff happened. 817 00:40:49,208 --> 00:40:53,000 Gluten, peanut allergies, and stop yourself, 818 00:40:53,083 --> 00:40:55,250 I know peanut allergies are real. 819 00:40:55,333 --> 00:40:56,709 I know it's a real thing. 820 00:40:56,792 --> 00:40:59,125 My brother had a peanut allergy in the '80s, okay? 821 00:40:59,208 --> 00:41:02,875 Back in the '80s, you know what my parents did? 822 00:41:02,959 --> 00:41:04,083 Nothing. 823 00:41:04,166 --> 00:41:06,000 Not a damn thing. 824 00:41:06,083 --> 00:41:09,583 They're like you want that Snickers or not? 825 00:41:09,667 --> 00:41:10,750 So what if you swell? 826 00:41:10,834 --> 00:41:13,875 You don't go to school 'til Monday. 827 00:41:13,959 --> 00:41:16,458 You think they woulda spent $800 on an EpiPen 828 00:41:16,542 --> 00:41:22,250 when it only cost $400 to have a new baby at the hospital? 829 00:41:22,333 --> 00:41:24,709 Do the math. 830 00:41:24,792 --> 00:41:25,667 The old math, not this new stupid math 831 00:41:25,750 --> 00:41:28,208 that they try to tell you. 832 00:41:28,291 --> 00:41:30,417 (audience cheers) 833 00:41:30,500 --> 00:41:31,291 I can't take it any more. 834 00:41:31,375 --> 00:41:33,375 And I'm tellin' you, like-- and I-- 835 00:41:33,458 --> 00:41:35,083 sometimes I feel sorry for my husband 836 00:41:35,166 --> 00:41:38,166 'cause I'm always on edge, but the fact of the matter is, 837 00:41:38,250 --> 00:41:40,208 we don't argue over much any more, okay? 838 00:41:40,291 --> 00:41:41,542 Wanna know what we argue about? 839 00:41:41,625 --> 00:41:43,208 A lotta people have talked about this. 840 00:41:43,291 --> 00:41:45,542 We argue over the GPS. 841 00:41:45,625 --> 00:41:49,291 He will listen to that GPS as if it was Moses 842 00:41:49,375 --> 00:41:51,667 coming down off the mountain. 843 00:41:51,750 --> 00:41:54,250 If it said turn left into the ocean, 844 00:41:54,333 --> 00:41:58,291 he would turn left into the ocean. 845 00:41:58,375 --> 00:42:00,500 Hey maybe it's a shortcut. 846 00:42:03,709 --> 00:42:06,250 We're submerged right now. 847 00:42:09,208 --> 00:42:12,417 He's like, you're just jealous. 848 00:42:12,500 --> 00:42:15,375 You're jealous that I listen to her. 849 00:42:18,709 --> 00:42:19,875 I am jealous. 850 00:42:19,959 --> 00:42:21,208 I'm jealous she's somewhere else, 851 00:42:21,291 --> 00:42:22,834 and I'm in the fuckin' car with him. 852 00:42:22,917 --> 00:42:24,875 That's what I am jealous of. 853 00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:26,667 That's what I'm jealous of. 854 00:42:26,750 --> 00:42:29,125 I want that broad's life. 855 00:42:31,166 --> 00:42:32,333 We arg-- I'll tell you. 856 00:42:32,417 --> 00:42:34,041 Here's the other thing we argue about. 857 00:42:34,125 --> 00:42:38,417 He snores and he doesn't believe me. 858 00:42:38,500 --> 00:42:41,000 If somebody who shares a pillow with you, 859 00:42:41,083 --> 00:42:44,709 tells you that you snore, believe them. 860 00:42:44,792 --> 00:42:47,500 Why would I make that up? 861 00:42:47,583 --> 00:42:48,667 Now it's a game. 862 00:42:48,750 --> 00:42:50,375 Now I gotta prove to him. 863 00:42:50,458 --> 00:42:52,125 Now I'm a documentarian. 864 00:42:52,208 --> 00:42:54,083 I gotta film him, right? 865 00:42:54,166 --> 00:42:58,542 Like I'm lookin' for a Yeti in the Andes. 866 00:43:00,417 --> 00:43:01,542 This is ridiculous. 867 00:43:01,625 --> 00:43:03,166 Why would I make that up? 868 00:43:03,250 --> 00:43:05,750 I'm in the business of words. 869 00:43:05,834 --> 00:43:09,500 I'd make up somethin' way more fantastical. 870 00:43:09,583 --> 00:43:11,625 Be like, you know what you do while you sleep? 871 00:43:11,709 --> 00:43:14,750 It's the weirdest thing, you juggle. 872 00:43:16,959 --> 00:43:20,417 Yeah I know. I know. 873 00:43:20,500 --> 00:43:22,709 I heard this noise, boom, boom, boom. 874 00:43:22,792 --> 00:43:26,792 I open my eyes, pillows hittin' the ceiling... 875 00:43:26,875 --> 00:43:29,792 ...in a rhythmic formation. 876 00:43:29,875 --> 00:43:31,792 It's ridiculous. 877 00:43:31,875 --> 00:43:34,208 Listen, I love him, I'm not goin' anywhere, 878 00:43:34,291 --> 00:43:38,583 and that fact was tested. Couple years ago he got sick, 879 00:43:38,667 --> 00:43:41,333 really sick, he's okay now, but at the time 880 00:43:41,417 --> 00:43:43,417 when he got sick, we Googled it on WebMD 881 00:43:43,500 --> 00:43:46,875 and we thought for sure he was dyin', right? 882 00:43:46,959 --> 00:43:49,875 And he said to me, he goes, if somethin' happens to me, 883 00:43:49,959 --> 00:43:53,375 I want you to know you can get married again. 884 00:43:54,458 --> 00:43:57,041 I was like, oh my-- 885 00:43:57,125 --> 00:43:59,417 I didn't wanna get married this time. 886 00:44:04,458 --> 00:44:07,667 What are the odds I'd get knocked up at this age? 887 00:44:11,792 --> 00:44:12,750 So I said, what do you mean? 888 00:44:12,834 --> 00:44:15,458 Like, he's testing me. You realize that, right? 889 00:44:15,542 --> 00:44:17,375 When he tells me I can get married again. 890 00:44:17,458 --> 00:44:19,417 He's testing me to see if I'm loyal. 891 00:44:19,500 --> 00:44:20,917 Of course I'm loyal. 892 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:21,959 I'm a 3:00 a.m. friend. 893 00:44:22,041 --> 00:44:24,000 I will show up at three o'clock in the morning 894 00:44:24,083 --> 00:44:27,250 with a shovel and bail money, no questions asked, okay? 895 00:44:27,333 --> 00:44:30,083 That's who I am. But he's testin'-- 896 00:44:30,166 --> 00:44:31,709 I get so mad he's testin' me. 897 00:44:31,792 --> 00:44:33,291 'Cause what am I supposed to say to, 898 00:44:33,375 --> 00:44:35,291 you can get married again? Huh? 899 00:44:35,375 --> 00:44:39,083 Oh, can I have Frank's number in case you're in a coma. 900 00:44:44,709 --> 00:44:47,458 So I gave him the answer that I knew he needed, all right, 901 00:44:47,542 --> 00:44:49,125 'cause that's who I am. I love this man. 902 00:44:49,208 --> 00:44:50,792 This is the light of my life. 903 00:44:50,875 --> 00:44:54,291 I told him, I said listen, no matter what happens to you, 904 00:44:54,375 --> 00:44:56,458 as long as I walk this earth 905 00:44:56,542 --> 00:45:00,750 there will never be another man who gets to call me his wife. 906 00:45:00,834 --> 00:45:02,959 And you could tell he was relieved. 907 00:45:03,041 --> 00:45:06,458 I said but I will bang a lotta people. 908 00:45:06,542 --> 00:45:08,542 I'm Tammy Pescatelli, good night, God bless. 909 00:45:08,625 --> 00:45:09,917 Thank you so much. 910 00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:11,125 (audience applauds) 911 00:45:11,208 --> 00:45:12,875 Good night. 912 00:45:12,959 --> 00:45:15,000 (audience cheers) 913 00:45:17,458 --> 00:45:18,959 (upbeat music) 914 00:45:19,041 --> 00:45:20,500 (Thea Vidale) In the '80s, 915 00:45:20,583 --> 00:45:23,125 the club owners segregated us, 916 00:45:23,208 --> 00:45:27,750 because you would never see two or three blacks on a show. 917 00:45:27,834 --> 00:45:30,500 And we wouldn't see no women together either 918 00:45:30,583 --> 00:45:33,500 because they deemed us to all be the same. 919 00:45:33,583 --> 00:45:37,000 You know, comedy is about one person's reality. 920 00:45:37,083 --> 00:45:42,166 So if I have a period and I wanna talk about it, 921 00:45:42,250 --> 00:45:43,667 I should be able to talk about it 922 00:45:43,750 --> 00:45:45,417 'cause I listened to enough of these white boys 923 00:45:45,500 --> 00:45:47,250 talk about their dicks. 924 00:45:47,333 --> 00:45:50,667 (audience cheers) 925 00:45:55,250 --> 00:45:55,875 Oh, my God. 926 00:45:55,959 --> 00:45:59,667 (cheering continues) 927 00:45:59,750 --> 00:46:01,875 I didn't think you people knew who the fuck I was. 928 00:46:01,959 --> 00:46:03,458 I didn't, I... 929 00:46:03,542 --> 00:46:07,166 I'm so glad to be on "Ladies Of A Certain Age," 930 00:46:07,250 --> 00:46:09,375 'cause I'm gettin' up there. 931 00:46:09,458 --> 00:46:11,208 I'm the only one outta all these women 932 00:46:11,291 --> 00:46:12,458 that's a grandmother. 933 00:46:12,542 --> 00:46:14,583 (audience cheers) 934 00:46:17,041 --> 00:46:19,917 Yeah I got grandbabies, but it's not just my job 935 00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:22,166 to spoil my grandchildren. 936 00:46:22,250 --> 00:46:25,875 It's my job to teach them some shit. 937 00:46:25,959 --> 00:46:28,375 'Cause don't fuck with me, that's what it is okay. 938 00:46:28,458 --> 00:46:33,333 I was babysittin' for my granddaughter Zaya, 939 00:46:33,417 --> 00:46:37,250 and I made her a sandwich, a bowl of soup, and some milk. 940 00:46:37,333 --> 00:46:39,917 She looked at that and said, we don't eat that. 941 00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:41,000 I said, well what do you eat? 942 00:46:41,083 --> 00:46:43,500 We eat Chicken McNuggets, 943 00:46:43,583 --> 00:46:45,083 ♪ Chicken McNuggets ♪ 944 00:46:45,166 --> 00:46:46,333 I said don't sing about chicken, we black. 945 00:46:46,417 --> 00:46:48,458 Don't do that, don't do that. 946 00:46:50,959 --> 00:46:52,166 So I went to her great grandmother's house 947 00:46:52,250 --> 00:46:55,083 and got one of her live chickens. 948 00:46:55,166 --> 00:46:56,333 And I brought that chicken back. 949 00:46:56,417 --> 00:46:57,792 And she said, Grandma what's that? 950 00:46:57,875 --> 00:47:00,083 I said, this my love is Chicken McNuggets. 951 00:47:00,166 --> 00:47:01,917 And I threw that chicken in the yard and I said, 952 00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:03,125 now you catch that chicken, 953 00:47:03,208 --> 00:47:04,959 we'll have some Chicken McNuggets. 954 00:47:05,041 --> 00:47:07,458 Well after chasin' that chicken for about three hours, 955 00:47:07,542 --> 00:47:09,041 she was more than happy to eat that sandwich 956 00:47:09,125 --> 00:47:10,166 and a bowl of soup. 957 00:47:10,250 --> 00:47:11,709 (audience cheers) 958 00:47:11,792 --> 00:47:14,166 And she don't fuck with me when we ride by McDonald's 959 00:47:14,250 --> 00:47:18,083 'cause she scared she got to catch a cow. 960 00:47:18,166 --> 00:47:20,625 My job is to teach. 961 00:47:20,709 --> 00:47:24,333 Now some of you new parents, you fuckin' it up. 962 00:47:24,417 --> 00:47:26,125 You got the game messed up. 963 00:47:26,208 --> 00:47:27,333 I see you on TV. 964 00:47:27,417 --> 00:47:29,667 My child is my best friend. 965 00:47:29,750 --> 00:47:30,709 Your child is not your friend. 966 00:47:30,792 --> 00:47:33,458 Your child is your offspring, your progeny. 967 00:47:33,542 --> 00:47:34,625 It is your job to govern your child. 968 00:47:34,709 --> 00:47:38,125 Your child can be your friend when they pack they shit 969 00:47:38,208 --> 00:47:40,125 and get the fuck out your house. 970 00:47:40,208 --> 00:47:43,458 (audience applauds) 971 00:47:43,542 --> 00:47:46,667 I ain't friends with nobody who can't buy weed or liquor. 972 00:47:46,750 --> 00:47:47,792 I just don't see... 973 00:47:47,875 --> 00:47:51,583 ...where dat's the win-win in this relationship. 974 00:47:54,041 --> 00:47:55,959 How many people have grown children 975 00:47:56,041 --> 00:47:59,166 still askin' 'em for money? By applause. 976 00:47:59,250 --> 00:48:02,834 (audience applauds) 977 00:48:02,917 --> 00:48:05,083 Before I came here, my daughter Magdalene asked me, 978 00:48:05,166 --> 00:48:07,250 Mom do you have $185? 979 00:48:07,375 --> 00:48:09,667 I said yes I do, click. 980 00:48:15,250 --> 00:48:17,709 'Cause I fuck with people. 981 00:48:17,792 --> 00:48:19,375 You know, some of you young people, 982 00:48:19,458 --> 00:48:20,875 you coulda got up out your seat 983 00:48:20,959 --> 00:48:23,125 and let these older people have the seat. 984 00:48:23,208 --> 00:48:25,333 See that's why that Shakespeare said, 985 00:48:25,417 --> 00:48:27,750 youth is wasted on the young. 986 00:48:27,834 --> 00:48:31,542 See you motherfuckers don't think you gonna get old. 987 00:48:31,625 --> 00:48:33,375 If you lucky you will. 988 00:48:33,458 --> 00:48:36,208 Right now your titties is perky and shit. 989 00:48:37,625 --> 00:48:39,000 But one day you gonna wake up, 990 00:48:39,083 --> 00:48:39,875 and one titty gonna be over here, 991 00:48:39,959 --> 00:48:42,250 and one titty gonna be over there. 992 00:48:42,333 --> 00:48:46,250 You gonna lift it up, find a Gummi Bear and eat it. 993 00:48:46,333 --> 00:48:48,667 And say ain't God good? 994 00:48:53,291 --> 00:48:55,500 See you're a young man, your nuts is tight. 995 00:48:55,583 --> 00:48:57,083 Your nuts is tight. 996 00:48:57,166 --> 00:48:58,709 But one day you gonna sit on a toilet, 997 00:48:58,792 --> 00:49:01,667 your nuts gonna hit the water. 998 00:49:01,750 --> 00:49:02,250 You gonna ask her to suck your dick, 999 00:49:02,333 --> 00:49:03,333 she gonna go, uh huh, 1000 00:49:03,417 --> 00:49:06,750 smell like boo-boo, can't do it. 1001 00:49:10,667 --> 00:49:12,834 See the funny thing about young people 1002 00:49:12,917 --> 00:49:15,625 is that they think their parents have a favorite child. 1003 00:49:15,709 --> 00:49:17,083 We don't have a favorite child. 1004 00:49:17,166 --> 00:49:18,500 All of our children are our favorites 1005 00:49:18,583 --> 00:49:20,208 just for different reasons. 1006 00:49:20,291 --> 00:49:22,250 Now I'm not gonna say Adam is my favorite, 1007 00:49:22,333 --> 00:49:24,166 but I'm gonna say he's mine. 1008 00:49:24,250 --> 00:49:25,625 I had him. 1009 00:49:25,709 --> 00:49:28,125 My husband is from Trinidad. 1010 00:49:28,208 --> 00:49:30,750 We got to the hospital at 2:00 a.m. 1011 00:49:30,834 --> 00:49:32,083 Bill went to park the car, 1012 00:49:32,166 --> 00:49:33,625 came back, 2:28 he was holdin' his son. 1013 00:49:33,709 --> 00:49:38,542 He looked at me and said, ja make that baby fast. 1014 00:49:38,625 --> 00:49:41,667 That baby outweighed his twin sisters. 1015 00:49:41,750 --> 00:49:44,208 They thought he was twins. 1016 00:49:44,291 --> 00:49:46,625 That baby came three weeks early. 1017 00:49:46,709 --> 00:49:47,959 I tell people he came out early 1018 00:49:48,041 --> 00:49:50,250 'cause there was no more room in the inn. 1019 00:49:52,458 --> 00:49:55,000 I nursed him 'til he was five. 1020 00:49:55,083 --> 00:49:57,458 I'm lyin. 1021 00:49:57,542 --> 00:49:59,625 I nursed him for a year. 1022 00:49:59,709 --> 00:50:02,291 And I tell you young sisters when you do have your babies 1023 00:50:02,375 --> 00:50:03,750 you should nurse them because it's a beautiful 1024 00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:05,750 and bonding thing. 1025 00:50:05,834 --> 00:50:07,083 And my husband thought it was beautiful and bondin' too 1026 00:50:07,166 --> 00:50:10,291 the first couple of months, but around five, six, seven months 1027 00:50:10,375 --> 00:50:12,959 he's lookin' at this boy like he the master cock blocker 1028 00:50:13,041 --> 00:50:14,667 of the free world. 1029 00:50:14,750 --> 00:50:18,125 He scared he ain't gonna see my pussy no more in life. 1030 00:50:18,208 --> 00:50:21,041 We were foolin' around and Adam started cryin'. 1031 00:50:21,125 --> 00:50:23,041 And I jumped up and started nursin' him. 1032 00:50:23,125 --> 00:50:26,333 Bill is pacing back and forth goin, look at he. 1033 00:50:26,417 --> 00:50:28,750 He do it on purpose. 1034 00:50:30,250 --> 00:50:32,166 Tell he to hurry up and eat. 1035 00:50:32,250 --> 00:50:34,250 And my son, with my tit in his mouth, 1036 00:50:34,333 --> 00:50:35,709 looked up at his Daddy and smiled and patted my breast 1037 00:50:35,792 --> 00:50:40,166 as if to say, later for you, Negro, later for you. 1038 00:50:43,083 --> 00:50:44,333 That sweet precious boy 1039 00:50:44,417 --> 00:50:47,583 told me somethin' I didn't wanna hear. 1040 00:50:47,667 --> 00:50:49,125 Told me he was in love. 1041 00:50:49,208 --> 00:50:51,792 That this girl was different and special. 1042 00:50:51,875 --> 00:50:53,959 I said, why am I the last one to find out? 1043 00:50:54,041 --> 00:50:56,667 He said, 'cause, Ma, you know how you are. 1044 00:50:56,750 --> 00:50:59,500 And I said, How the fuck am I?! 1045 00:51:05,458 --> 00:51:08,750 And his father and him went... 1046 00:51:10,709 --> 00:51:11,792 I said, well what's special's name? 1047 00:51:11,875 --> 00:51:13,000 He said Melissa. 1048 00:51:13,083 --> 00:51:14,208 I said, what's different about her? 1049 00:51:14,291 --> 00:51:15,959 He said, she's an albino. 1050 00:51:16,041 --> 00:51:18,291 So I said, bring the rabbit over. 1051 00:51:18,375 --> 00:51:21,375 He's brings Melissa over. 1052 00:51:21,458 --> 00:51:25,041 Melissa is a statuesque, blond-haired, blue-eyed, 1053 00:51:25,125 --> 00:51:26,583 look like a Swedish model. 1054 00:51:26,667 --> 00:51:28,834 I said, boy, that ain't no albino, that's a cracker, 1055 00:51:28,917 --> 00:51:31,250 what you talkin' about? 1056 00:51:31,333 --> 00:51:34,250 I'm teasing, I don't use those euphemisms in my home, 1057 00:51:34,333 --> 00:51:37,250 nor have I taught my children to use those euphemisms. 1058 00:51:37,333 --> 00:51:38,792 I just said that to say this. 1059 00:51:38,875 --> 00:51:42,083 You can't tell your children who to love. 1060 00:51:42,166 --> 00:51:44,000 They gonna love who the fuck they wanna love. 1061 00:51:44,083 --> 00:51:45,458 And if you're wise, 1062 00:51:45,542 --> 00:51:47,583 you'll keep your narrow-minded opinions to yourself 1063 00:51:47,667 --> 00:51:49,291 and enjoy your grandchildren. 1064 00:51:49,375 --> 00:51:52,458 (audience cheers) 1065 00:51:54,333 --> 00:51:55,917 I love Melissa to death, 1066 00:51:56,000 --> 00:51:59,917 but that's the non-cookin'est bitch I ever laid eyes on. 1067 00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:01,291 Everything she cook, 1068 00:52:01,375 --> 00:52:02,625 Campbell Soup got somethin' to do with it. 1069 00:52:02,709 --> 00:52:04,750 She made some kinda gray, gelatinous shit, 1070 00:52:04,834 --> 00:52:08,375 Bill looked at it and said, me not eatin' dat. 1071 00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:11,917 I looked up at my son, I said, him not eatin' that. 1072 00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:12,917 He said you have to, I love her. 1073 00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:17,083 I said, you fuckin' her, you gotta eat it. 1074 00:52:17,166 --> 00:52:19,041 We goin' to Popeyes. 1075 00:52:22,917 --> 00:52:27,583 Now one of my twins is married, to a woman. 1076 00:52:27,667 --> 00:52:30,375 Don't look at me crazy, I support my children. 1077 00:52:30,458 --> 00:52:32,041 (audience applauds) 1078 00:52:32,125 --> 00:52:33,166 And for the people that profess to be 1079 00:52:33,250 --> 00:52:37,083 such great Christians, let us be clear on somethin'. 1080 00:52:37,166 --> 00:52:40,250 It's not between me and God, it's between her and God. 1081 00:52:40,333 --> 00:52:43,333 And if I'm not mistaken, the Bible clearly states, 1082 00:52:43,417 --> 00:52:45,375 judge not lest ye be judged. 1083 00:52:45,458 --> 00:52:46,625 Now some of y'all got family members 1084 00:52:46,709 --> 00:52:50,291 get drunk every weekend, you got to bail 'em outta jail. 1085 00:52:50,375 --> 00:52:51,875 My daughter just eatin' pussy. 1086 00:52:51,959 --> 00:52:54,208 The way I got it figured I'm aheada the game. 1087 00:52:54,291 --> 00:52:57,333 (audience cheers) 1088 00:53:01,500 --> 00:53:04,125 Is this too real for some of y'all? 1089 00:53:04,208 --> 00:53:05,291 Okay. 1090 00:53:05,375 --> 00:53:06,208 I remember like it was yesterday. 1091 00:53:06,291 --> 00:53:08,709 Magdalene called me up she said Momma, 1092 00:53:08,792 --> 00:53:12,542 Keisha gave me a two-and-half carat, platinum, diamond ring. 1093 00:53:12,625 --> 00:53:13,834 I say what? 1094 00:53:13,917 --> 00:53:15,750 She said Keisha gave me a two-and-half carat, 1095 00:53:15,834 --> 00:53:17,834 platinum, diamond ring. 1096 00:53:17,917 --> 00:53:18,834 I said put Keisha on the phone. 1097 00:53:18,917 --> 00:53:21,291 I said Keisha did you give my baby a ring? 1098 00:53:21,375 --> 00:53:23,667 She said yes ma'am, I did. 1099 00:53:23,750 --> 00:53:25,667 I said what you tryin' to say? 1100 00:53:25,750 --> 00:53:26,709 She said well I know I took her out your house, 1101 00:53:26,792 --> 00:53:30,000 and I know I'm ten years older than her, 1102 00:53:30,083 --> 00:53:31,875 but I love your daughter. 1103 00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:34,750 I promise you she won't want for nothin'. 1104 00:53:34,834 --> 00:53:37,542 All her needs will be met. 1105 00:53:37,625 --> 00:53:40,542 I adore your daughter. 1106 00:53:40,625 --> 00:53:44,375 I wanna grow old with your daughter. 1107 00:53:44,458 --> 00:53:48,959 I said, wow, her Daddy didn't even say that to me. 1108 00:53:51,291 --> 00:53:54,542 I said put Magdalene back on the phone, please. 1109 00:53:54,625 --> 00:53:57,875 I said Magdalene, what kinda pussy eatin' 1110 00:53:57,959 --> 00:54:00,542 is you over there doin'? 1111 00:54:00,625 --> 00:54:02,542 I been fuckin' your Daddy for ten years, 1112 00:54:02,625 --> 00:54:04,375 he ain't gave me no two-and-a-half carat, 1113 00:54:04,458 --> 00:54:06,291 platinum, diamond ring. 1114 00:54:06,375 --> 00:54:09,083 You tell Mommy what you did. 1115 00:54:09,166 --> 00:54:12,208 Tell Mommy what you did. 1116 00:54:12,291 --> 00:54:17,583 So she asked me, she said, will you tell Daddy? 1117 00:54:17,667 --> 00:54:20,333 And I said fuck, I don't feel like that. 1118 00:54:20,417 --> 00:54:21,959 And the reason I don't feel like that 1119 00:54:22,041 --> 00:54:24,792 because foreign black men are the most homophobic men 1120 00:54:24,875 --> 00:54:26,375 on the face of the earth. 1121 00:54:26,458 --> 00:54:29,083 And that's because homosexuality is not tolerated 1122 00:54:29,166 --> 00:54:32,583 in their country, or they eradicate it. 1123 00:54:32,667 --> 00:54:34,792 So I don't feel like tellin' him. 1124 00:54:34,875 --> 00:54:36,333 I don't, I don't. 1125 00:54:36,417 --> 00:54:37,750 I'm sittin' there and I'm waitin' for him 1126 00:54:37,834 --> 00:54:41,291 to come home and stuff, I'm nervous. 1127 00:54:49,125 --> 00:54:57,291 ♪ What a friend we have in Jesus ♪ 1128 00:54:58,667 --> 00:55:02,041 Oh hi Bill, how you doin'? 1129 00:55:03,750 --> 00:55:04,917 How was your day? 1130 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:07,250 Me day good. 1131 00:55:07,333 --> 00:55:08,583 That's good. 1132 00:55:09,709 --> 00:55:12,208 So Bill, you know Magdalene right? 1133 00:55:17,083 --> 00:55:19,291 He said, yeah me know she. 1134 00:55:19,375 --> 00:55:23,959 I said well Magdalene's, um, gay. 1135 00:55:24,041 --> 00:55:25,959 He said, oh ho. 1136 00:55:26,041 --> 00:55:28,792 Who's the cock and who's the hen? 1137 00:55:28,875 --> 00:55:31,125 I said, Magdalene is the hen. 1138 00:55:31,208 --> 00:55:33,166 But that's really not the issue. 1139 00:55:33,250 --> 00:55:36,625 The issue is Keisha gave Magdalene a two-and-a-half carat 1140 00:55:36,709 --> 00:55:38,333 platinum, diamond ring. 1141 00:55:38,417 --> 00:55:42,291 And I been fuckin' you for how long man, how long? 1142 00:55:42,375 --> 00:55:45,375 (audience cheers) 1143 00:55:51,959 --> 00:55:55,875 Well, I'mma tell you all somethin' 'cause I got to go. 1144 00:55:55,959 --> 00:55:58,166 Yeah, I got to fuckin' go. 1145 00:55:58,250 --> 00:56:00,834 There's cigarettes to be smoked, and weed to go look for. 1146 00:56:00,917 --> 00:56:04,792 Um, you know here lately in the news, 1147 00:56:04,875 --> 00:56:07,083 there's been a lotta racial upheaval 1148 00:56:07,166 --> 00:56:08,709 goin' on in this country. 1149 00:56:08,792 --> 00:56:11,333 And I wanted to tell you 'cause we good friends now, 1150 00:56:11,417 --> 00:56:15,250 'cause we talked about dick and everything, 1151 00:56:15,333 --> 00:56:17,625 is that we are all Americans. 1152 00:56:17,709 --> 00:56:18,875 We are one nation under God. 1153 00:56:18,959 --> 00:56:22,375 (audience cheers) Hold on, hold on. 1154 00:56:22,458 --> 00:56:24,834 And if we have never stuck together, 1155 00:56:24,917 --> 00:56:26,834 we better stick together now. 1156 00:56:26,917 --> 00:56:29,166 Because if any other country was ever to come over here 1157 00:56:29,250 --> 00:56:31,375 and take over, we all be niggers 1158 00:56:31,458 --> 00:56:33,208 and some of y'all are inexperienced. 1159 00:56:33,291 --> 00:56:36,542 Thank you for letting me be myself, y'all, thank you. 1160 00:56:36,625 --> 00:56:41,917 (audience applauds) 1161 00:56:45,458 --> 00:56:47,083 (upbeat music) 1162 00:56:47,166 --> 00:56:48,625 This is my whole career. 1163 00:56:48,709 --> 00:56:50,083 When I get on the plane, I turn right or I turn left. 1164 00:56:50,166 --> 00:56:53,834 I turn right if I'm a stand-up, and I sit in 38G. 1165 00:56:53,917 --> 00:56:55,709 If I turn left, I'm being an actress and I sit in 2A. 1166 00:56:55,792 --> 00:56:58,500 Those are my two lives. Wow. 1167 00:56:58,583 --> 00:57:01,625 I can be in 1A for ten years, I wanna go to 38G. 1168 00:57:01,709 --> 00:57:03,667 I wanna be among people. I wanna talk. 1169 00:57:03,750 --> 00:57:04,667 I wanna be a stand-up comedian. 1170 00:57:04,750 --> 00:57:07,250 I don't want you to think of me as being, 1171 00:57:07,333 --> 00:57:09,458 you know famous, I want you to think of me 1172 00:57:09,542 --> 00:57:11,333 as somebody that will make you laugh. 1173 00:57:11,417 --> 00:57:14,500 (audience applauds) 1174 00:57:18,458 --> 00:57:21,583 Thank you. Thank you. 1175 00:57:21,667 --> 00:57:23,375 (audience cheers) 1176 00:57:23,458 --> 00:57:24,583 Thank you. 1177 00:57:24,667 --> 00:57:29,458 (audience applauds) 1178 00:57:29,542 --> 00:57:31,041 Thank you. 1179 00:57:31,125 --> 00:57:34,709 Oh, my God, really, thank you, thank you. 1180 00:57:34,792 --> 00:57:38,166 (audience applauds) 1181 00:57:38,250 --> 00:57:40,375 It makes me nervous when you applaud that much, 1182 00:57:40,458 --> 00:57:43,041 like you thought I was dead. 1183 00:57:43,125 --> 00:57:45,375 Oh, she's alive, thank God. 1184 00:57:47,041 --> 00:57:48,291 How are you? 1185 00:57:48,375 --> 00:57:50,917 (audience cheers) 1186 00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:54,458 You know what, thank you, it's very nice to be on 1187 00:57:54,542 --> 00:57:56,208 "Women of a Certain Age," 1188 00:57:56,291 --> 00:57:58,625 (Caroline giggles) 1189 00:57:58,709 --> 00:58:01,458 because what would the all-male special be called? 1190 00:58:01,542 --> 00:58:03,709 Congress? Um... 1191 00:58:09,083 --> 00:58:09,959 (Caroline giggles) 1192 00:58:10,041 --> 00:58:13,083 I don't like that, "of a certain age." 1193 00:58:13,166 --> 00:58:14,625 What does that mean? 1194 00:58:14,709 --> 00:58:16,792 If we were filming this in L.A., everyone would be 24. 1195 00:58:16,875 --> 00:58:18,750 That's it, done. 1196 00:58:18,834 --> 00:58:20,291 I actually live in Los Angeles. 1197 00:58:20,375 --> 00:58:23,542 I moved there in my 50s with my tween 1198 00:58:23,625 --> 00:58:26,834 because I like a challenge and, um, 1199 00:58:26,917 --> 00:58:28,333 since I've been in Los Angeles, 1200 00:58:28,417 --> 00:58:30,166 everybody just talks about plastic surgery, 1201 00:58:30,250 --> 00:58:31,500 just openly, all the time. 1202 00:58:31,583 --> 00:58:33,250 And people are always coming up to me 1203 00:58:33,333 --> 00:58:36,000 and they're like, oh, my God, Caroline your face is so full. 1204 00:58:36,083 --> 00:58:37,583 What kind of filler do you use? 1205 00:58:37,667 --> 00:58:42,458 Is it Juvederm, or Restylane, and I'm like, fudge. 1206 00:58:42,542 --> 00:58:44,709 It's fudge. 1207 00:58:44,792 --> 00:58:47,083 Yeah, fudge. 1208 00:58:48,250 --> 00:58:51,542 I put a little bit of vanilla down by my mouth 1209 00:58:51,625 --> 00:58:54,792 and then all around my eyes is Rocky Road. 1210 00:58:54,875 --> 00:58:56,709 But, um... 1211 00:58:58,417 --> 00:59:00,000 I'm not a fan of living in Los Angeles 1212 00:59:00,083 --> 00:59:01,500 for a number of reasons. 1213 00:59:01,583 --> 00:59:03,834 One, I can't merge, so I have to leave my house 1214 00:59:03,917 --> 00:59:05,500 in the lane that I wanna end up in. 1215 00:59:05,583 --> 00:59:08,041 And that just like takes forever. 1216 00:59:08,125 --> 00:59:09,583 And, um... 1217 00:59:11,208 --> 00:59:14,375 It's a long way to San Francisco. 1218 00:59:14,458 --> 00:59:17,041 And I hate Waze so much. 1219 00:59:17,125 --> 00:59:19,041 This is my impression of Waze. 1220 00:59:19,125 --> 00:59:22,792 Turn left into oncoming traffic. 1221 00:59:22,875 --> 00:59:25,333 Cross a five-lane highway. 1222 00:59:25,417 --> 00:59:28,250 There is a feather 400 feet in front of you. 1223 00:59:32,125 --> 00:59:33,959 I do find the thing about aging is my memory 1224 00:59:34,041 --> 00:59:35,208 is not so great. 1225 00:59:35,291 --> 00:59:36,750 Like whenever I walk in a room, 1226 00:59:36,834 --> 00:59:38,375 I can't remember why I walked in that room, 1227 00:59:38,458 --> 00:59:39,792 but for some reason I always think 1228 00:59:39,875 --> 00:59:43,125 there's gonna be a clue in the fridge and, um... 1229 00:59:49,625 --> 00:59:51,583 I'm always like halfway through a sandwich, 1230 00:59:51,667 --> 00:59:53,583 like oh, my God, I forgot to file my taxes. 1231 00:59:53,667 --> 00:59:54,959 Oh, my God. 1232 00:59:57,375 --> 00:59:59,041 It's terrible, the whole memory thing. 1233 00:59:59,125 --> 01:00:00,250 If you see two middle-aged women having lunch together, 1234 01:00:00,333 --> 01:00:02,667 they're both just staring at each other, 1235 01:00:02,750 --> 01:00:04,083 like you know they don't remember 1236 01:00:04,166 --> 01:00:05,750 what they had just said. 1237 01:00:05,834 --> 01:00:07,542 It's like an episode of "Law & Order." 1238 01:00:07,583 --> 01:00:09,917 I don't know, you said bird and then the bread came, 1239 01:00:09,959 --> 01:00:13,166 and then... 1240 01:00:13,250 --> 01:00:16,208 something about your mother, I don't know. 1241 01:00:18,458 --> 01:00:19,750 It comes from my father. 1242 01:00:19,792 --> 01:00:21,125 My father, he obviously lost his memory, 1243 01:00:21,208 --> 01:00:23,917 'cause my father, I have two sisters, 1244 01:00:23,959 --> 01:00:25,500 and he would say this to us all the time. 1245 01:00:25,583 --> 01:00:28,000 He'd be like, girls, the most important thing in life 1246 01:00:28,083 --> 01:00:29,000 is one thing and if you know that one thing 1247 01:00:29,083 --> 01:00:32,083 everything's gonna be okay. 1248 01:00:37,959 --> 01:00:40,417 What is it, Dad? What's what, honey? 1249 01:00:41,458 --> 01:00:43,125 I'm like, okay. 1250 01:00:45,250 --> 01:00:47,917 I had my daughter when I was 44 and I am, 1251 01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:49,333 yes, I know. (audience cheering) 1252 01:00:49,417 --> 01:00:50,542 It's impressive. 1253 01:00:50,625 --> 01:00:53,125 I am 38 now and I... 1254 01:00:56,667 --> 01:00:58,458 So my daughter is ten and she comes home 1255 01:00:58,542 --> 01:00:59,458 from school sometimes and she's like, 1256 01:00:59,542 --> 01:01:02,000 there's a girl that wants to become a boy 1257 01:01:02,083 --> 01:01:03,333 and a boy that wants to become a girl, 1258 01:01:03,417 --> 01:01:04,834 and this is very normal for her. 1259 01:01:04,917 --> 01:01:06,500 And so she was describing this boy and she said, 1260 01:01:06,583 --> 01:01:08,208 Mommy, he's non-binary. 1261 01:01:08,291 --> 01:01:10,375 And I said, well honey what does that mean? 1262 01:01:10,458 --> 01:01:12,542 And goes, Mommy you should really know. 1263 01:01:12,625 --> 01:01:14,125 You should really know. 1264 01:01:14,208 --> 01:01:17,375 And I'm like, okay, well, just explain it to me one more time. 1265 01:01:17,458 --> 01:01:21,500 And she said it means he doesn't identify as a boy or a girl. 1266 01:01:21,583 --> 01:01:23,917 And I said, honey, that's called menopause. 1267 01:01:26,458 --> 01:01:31,208 It's very weird, I get hit on by young men. 1268 01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:32,500 I know, it's ridiculous. 1269 01:01:32,583 --> 01:01:35,208 Thanks for the complete and utter shock and I... 1270 01:01:35,291 --> 01:01:39,166 Just like dead silence, like really? No. I... 1271 01:01:39,250 --> 01:01:41,458 Really? Yeah. I do. 1272 01:01:41,542 --> 01:01:44,542 This gorgeous 25-year-old, he was so good-looking. 1273 01:01:44,625 --> 01:01:46,083 He was the stage manager on my show. 1274 01:01:46,166 --> 01:01:48,166 And he said, Caroline, I wanna come home with you. 1275 01:01:48,250 --> 01:01:51,333 And I said, are you locked out? 1276 01:01:57,083 --> 01:02:00,166 Do you wanna use my phone? 1277 01:02:00,250 --> 01:02:01,542 And he said, no, I wanna be with you. 1278 01:02:01,625 --> 01:02:05,417 And I was like, (Caroline laughs) 1279 01:02:05,500 --> 01:02:07,250 You do? 1280 01:02:07,333 --> 01:02:11,250 Okay, great, I'm gonna go home right now. 1281 01:02:11,333 --> 01:02:13,250 I'm gonna need about half an hour of lead time 1282 01:02:13,333 --> 01:02:16,208 to shoot out every street lamp between here and my apartment 1283 01:02:16,291 --> 01:02:20,500 and then I'm gonna put some temporary blinding drops 1284 01:02:20,583 --> 01:02:22,333 in your eyes. 1285 01:02:22,417 --> 01:02:24,333 They're gonna sting at first, but it's gonna make it better 1286 01:02:24,417 --> 01:02:26,709 for both of us. 1287 01:02:26,792 --> 01:02:29,125 And I'll be naked with my stomach over my head, 1288 01:02:29,208 --> 01:02:31,750 'cause I had a C-section at 44. 1289 01:02:35,208 --> 01:02:37,000 (rolls tongue) 1290 01:02:39,583 --> 01:02:40,917 I can't sleep with a young guy. 1291 01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:43,125 I live in fear of his Facebook status saying, 1292 01:02:43,208 --> 01:02:44,959 I fucked Aunt Hilda and it was magical. 1293 01:02:45,041 --> 01:02:46,542 I can't do that. 1294 01:02:47,709 --> 01:02:49,166 I can't do that. 1295 01:02:52,625 --> 01:02:54,792 So this one cute boy, he kept on saying to me, 1296 01:02:54,875 --> 01:02:56,458 send me a picture of your boobs. 1297 01:02:56,542 --> 01:02:58,500 And I was like, what! 1298 01:02:58,583 --> 01:03:01,458 And he goes, no, seriously, send me a picture of your boobs. 1299 01:03:01,542 --> 01:03:03,000 You want me to send you a picture of my naked boobs? 1300 01:03:03,083 --> 01:03:04,291 And he was like, yes. 1301 01:03:04,375 --> 01:03:08,875 So I sent him my mammogram and... 1302 01:03:10,291 --> 01:03:12,750 Yeah, it got rid of his lump. 1303 01:03:12,834 --> 01:03:14,500 So I... 1304 01:03:15,709 --> 01:03:18,834 I know you like, people do this now, but you know what, 1305 01:03:18,917 --> 01:03:20,375 so I tried to play along. 1306 01:03:20,458 --> 01:03:22,125 Do you know how hard it is to take a good picture 1307 01:03:22,208 --> 01:03:24,166 of your boob while holding the camera over your head, 1308 01:03:24,250 --> 01:03:25,750 so you don't have like 50 chins? 1309 01:03:25,834 --> 01:03:29,709 I was like, 'cause you're not gonna send this. 1310 01:03:29,792 --> 01:03:31,208 So I was like... 1311 01:03:33,250 --> 01:03:35,542 I'm like lying on the bed, they were both immediately 1312 01:03:35,625 --> 01:03:38,667 on the side table. I, um... 1313 01:03:38,750 --> 01:03:41,166 Exhausted from a long day, sound asleep. 1314 01:03:41,250 --> 01:03:43,041 Come one, girls, take a picture. 1315 01:03:45,041 --> 01:03:47,083 Seriously, it was like bad children taking a picture, 1316 01:03:47,166 --> 01:03:48,959 one was looking forward, the other one was looking back. 1317 01:03:49,041 --> 01:03:50,583 I was like, oh, come on. 1318 01:03:53,667 --> 01:03:55,834 So I finally, I texted him and I said, 1319 01:03:55,917 --> 01:03:58,417 I'm gonna have to send them one at a time. 1320 01:04:01,291 --> 01:04:02,667 I can't. 1321 01:04:07,959 --> 01:04:14,166 So I study Kabbalah and my sister's very supportive. 1322 01:04:14,250 --> 01:04:16,583 She calls it Kablahblah and... 1323 01:04:18,291 --> 01:04:21,375 And you know, it's like my teacher's from Israel. 1324 01:04:21,458 --> 01:04:23,333 And he has this like crazy Israeli accent. 1325 01:04:23,417 --> 01:04:25,542 And he's trying to really like teach me the way, 1326 01:04:25,625 --> 01:04:27,709 but because of his accent this is what he says, 1327 01:04:27,792 --> 01:04:34,709 Caroline, the most important thing is that you fuck us. 1328 01:04:40,709 --> 01:04:42,834 Fuck us in the morning. 1329 01:04:48,333 --> 01:04:50,375 Fuck us all day. 1330 01:04:52,750 --> 01:04:55,542 And fuck us right before bed. 1331 01:04:57,959 --> 01:04:59,959 I'm like, it's a long "O." 1332 01:05:00,041 --> 01:05:02,291 That is really gonna get you in quite a bit of trouble. 1333 01:05:04,917 --> 01:05:06,250 So this woman came up to me and she goes, 1334 01:05:06,333 --> 01:05:07,125 you know, I know that you're a porn star. 1335 01:05:07,208 --> 01:05:09,417 I googled you and I said, 1336 01:05:09,500 --> 01:05:12,917 wasn't it obvious upon meeting me? 1337 01:05:13,000 --> 01:05:14,250 Why are they all porn stars? 1338 01:05:14,333 --> 01:05:16,875 There's no porn character actors and, um... 1339 01:05:18,458 --> 01:05:19,875 There's not. 1340 01:05:20,875 --> 01:05:23,041 There's no porn neighbor. 1341 01:05:24,125 --> 01:05:25,500 I got your package. 1342 01:05:25,583 --> 01:05:27,083 Anyway, um... 1343 01:05:28,583 --> 01:05:29,834 So she was right. 1344 01:05:29,917 --> 01:05:31,500 It wasn't that she was a porn star. 1345 01:05:31,583 --> 01:05:33,291 There was a woman who has my name, I think she's Korean, 1346 01:05:33,375 --> 01:05:35,792 and she's a phone sex operator. I know, isn't that crazy? 1347 01:05:35,875 --> 01:05:38,709 But there's not a lot of middle-aged phone sex operators. 1348 01:05:38,792 --> 01:05:40,709 Hey baby, yeah, do you wanna come over 1349 01:05:40,792 --> 01:05:42,875 and bend me over the coffee table? 1350 01:05:42,959 --> 01:05:48,208 Yeah, well, not the whole way, I herniated L3 and L4. 1351 01:05:48,291 --> 01:05:50,083 Yeah. 1352 01:05:50,166 --> 01:05:51,709 Yeah, well, maybe I could climb up on top, 1353 01:05:51,792 --> 01:05:57,291 well, I can't because I tore my meniscus, but I... 1354 01:05:57,375 --> 01:05:59,500 What fetish do you like? 1355 01:05:59,583 --> 01:06:02,417 Bunions. (rolls tongue) 1356 01:06:03,917 --> 01:06:06,834 Shingles. (hissing) 1357 01:06:06,917 --> 01:06:10,083 Maybe we could do shots, flu shots. 1358 01:06:12,959 --> 01:06:15,750 I went to a plastic surgeon, 1359 01:06:15,834 --> 01:06:16,709 because I wanted to get a tummy tuck. 1360 01:06:16,792 --> 01:06:21,291 And he had the meanest receptionist ever. 1361 01:06:21,375 --> 01:06:23,667 So I walked in and she said, so what is it 1362 01:06:23,750 --> 01:06:26,125 that you hate the most about yourself? 1363 01:06:26,208 --> 01:06:28,834 And I was like, um... 1364 01:06:28,917 --> 01:06:31,750 I said, I just wanna talk to the doctor. 1365 01:06:31,834 --> 01:06:33,333 I'll wait to talk to the doctor. 1366 01:06:33,417 --> 01:06:35,583 She goes, what do you hate most about your body? 1367 01:06:35,667 --> 01:06:39,333 And I was like, okay, I'm gonna cry and, um... 1368 01:06:39,417 --> 01:06:42,333 And she goes, I said, I just wanna talk to the doctor. 1369 01:06:42,417 --> 01:06:44,834 And she goes, well, what do you hate the most? 1370 01:06:44,917 --> 01:06:46,542 I'm like, you, I hate you right now. 1371 01:06:46,625 --> 01:06:47,875 You, I hate you. 1372 01:06:47,959 --> 01:06:49,709 That's what I hate the most right now. 1373 01:06:49,792 --> 01:06:52,709 So anyway, the doctor came in 1374 01:06:52,792 --> 01:06:54,583 and he did the worst thing possible. 1375 01:06:54,667 --> 01:06:56,041 He went like this. 1376 01:06:57,458 --> 01:06:59,500 'Cause you know in his head, he was thinking, 1377 01:06:59,583 --> 01:07:01,041 I'm gonna buy a car. 1378 01:07:02,959 --> 01:07:05,709 Or a very small boat. 1379 01:07:05,792 --> 01:07:07,417 But he saw money. 1380 01:07:07,500 --> 01:07:10,625 Anyway, so he goes like this. 1381 01:07:10,709 --> 01:07:14,917 He grabs my stomach, literally, and like walks backwards. 1382 01:07:17,250 --> 01:07:21,041 Like as if he was moonwalking with my stomach. 1383 01:07:21,125 --> 01:07:24,083 And he got like a fair distance away from me 1384 01:07:24,166 --> 01:07:27,542 and he said, you know what, this is not gonna snap back 1385 01:07:27,625 --> 01:07:30,250 because of your age and you don't have any elasticity. 1386 01:07:30,333 --> 01:07:33,667 And I was like, well, could you just walk it back then? 1387 01:07:33,750 --> 01:07:35,417 Because this is... 1388 01:07:45,000 --> 01:07:47,000 It's all, like this age, it's very tricky. 1389 01:07:47,083 --> 01:07:48,750 I went to the gynecologist, 1390 01:07:48,834 --> 01:07:50,375 I'm like, why does it hurt so much 1391 01:07:50,458 --> 01:07:51,917 when I have sex with my boyfriend, 1392 01:07:52,000 --> 01:07:54,000 besides the fact that I hate him? 1393 01:07:54,083 --> 01:07:55,792 And, um... 1394 01:07:58,750 --> 01:08:00,250 She said, because as we age 1395 01:08:00,333 --> 01:08:01,417 your vaginal walls get thinner. 1396 01:08:01,500 --> 01:08:02,792 I'm like, oh, really? I work out five times a week 1397 01:08:02,875 --> 01:08:05,750 and the only part of my body that's getting thinner 1398 01:08:05,834 --> 01:08:07,959 is my vagina. 1399 01:08:08,041 --> 01:08:09,583 Great, great. 1400 01:08:09,667 --> 01:08:12,125 (audience applauds) 1401 01:08:12,208 --> 01:08:14,417 I often hear as I walk down the street, 1402 01:08:14,500 --> 01:08:16,709 her vagina's so thin. 1403 01:08:18,875 --> 01:08:21,709 It looks so much heavier on TV. 1404 01:08:23,041 --> 01:08:25,834 It's really very thin. 1405 01:08:25,916 --> 01:08:28,541 (audience cheers) 1406 01:08:28,625 --> 01:08:31,000 All right, let that do. 1407 01:08:31,083 --> 01:08:32,959 Peace out, thank you. 1408 01:08:33,041 --> 01:08:36,083 (audience applauds) 1409 01:08:41,083 --> 01:08:44,291 Being a woman in comedy is not easy. 1410 01:08:44,375 --> 01:08:46,916 You have to be your own biggest fan, you know. 1411 01:08:47,000 --> 01:08:50,000 And not in a big-headed way, but in the, 1412 01:08:50,083 --> 01:08:52,291 if you're not your own biggest fan, who's gonna be? 1413 01:08:52,375 --> 01:08:58,375 The men back when I started, they were just ridiculous. 1414 01:08:58,458 --> 01:09:02,666 Coke-snortin', golf-playin', arrogant little boys. 1415 01:09:02,750 --> 01:09:03,875 They're weren't that respectful of women. 1416 01:09:03,959 --> 01:09:08,250 I had a .357 Magnum, and if we was gonna fight, 1417 01:09:08,333 --> 01:09:10,333 I knew who was gonna get hurt. 1418 01:09:10,416 --> 01:09:13,166 I stayed in a condo for an entire week 1419 01:09:13,250 --> 01:09:17,000 with a guy who was convicted of multiple rapes, 1420 01:09:17,083 --> 01:09:19,125 and I didn't complain about it, even though I knew 1421 01:09:19,208 --> 01:09:21,791 he was creepy, because I wanted to work. 1422 01:09:21,875 --> 01:09:24,125 You know, I went from being a privileged male 1423 01:09:24,208 --> 01:09:27,875 to now I'm in like four different oppressed minorities. 1424 01:09:27,959 --> 01:09:29,375 How many times do people come up to you and go, 1425 01:09:29,458 --> 01:09:30,500 you know why I love you, you say all the things 1426 01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:32,583 that I'm thinking and I didn't get to say myself. 1427 01:09:32,666 --> 01:09:34,541 Absolutely. Sometimes to my husband, you know. 1428 01:09:34,625 --> 01:09:36,333 Because I would, I think at the beginning 1429 01:09:36,416 --> 01:09:38,541 I felt like I will speak, I'm gonna tell you 1430 01:09:38,625 --> 01:09:39,959 all the things that a woman's actually 1431 01:09:40,041 --> 01:09:41,333 really thinking about you. Yes. 1432 01:09:41,416 --> 01:09:44,291 (audience applauds) 1433 01:10:05,500 --> 01:10:07,916 (upbeat music) 1434 01:10:18,834 --> 01:10:20,375 How you doin'? 1435 01:10:22,834 --> 01:10:24,500 And you, how you doin'? 1436 01:10:25,541 --> 01:10:27,666 Nothin', still nothin'. 1437 01:10:27,750 --> 01:10:30,834 (upbeat music) 1438 01:10:40,208 --> 01:10:43,250 (dramatic music)