["Cherchez la Femme" playing]
♪ ♪
[women] Up to it, down to it.
Fuck those who don't do it.
We do it 'cause we used to it,
so drink, my nigga, drink.
[all cheer]
[Whitney] Mm, mm-mm.
Yeah, I'm gonna need to take that in stages.
-Over here. -Uh, another round?
-No! -Yes!
I got this new shit with jalapeño and mezcal.
-Ooh! -Yeah!
[laughter]
[Ella] Hi!
How come I never get asked to dance by a Lester?
I think it's your face.
-[laughter] -Shut up.
Come on, girl, I'll be your Lester.
[laughter]
♪ ♪
[singer] ♪ For misery, my friends ♪
♪ Cherchez la femme ♪
♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ Cherchez la femme ♪
♪ Oh, yeah Cherchez la femme ♪
[cell phone buzzing]
[sighs]
Your whole "natural early bird" thing
has been bothering me for the entire 25 years
of my life that I've known you.
[Renee] Ella, it's 8:30.
Shit!
Yeah, it's probably not the best for you
to be late as fuck to your first day of work.
[frantic music plays]
♪ ♪
[man speaking Arabic]
[Ella] Remind me why
I spent my early 20s trying to build
a professional reputation
instead of sitting on a really rich dick.
[Renee] Exactly.
I mean, what were our mothers thinking with this whole
"pursuit of educational excellence" bullshit?
I mean, where was the "There's nothing wrong
"with sleeping your way to the top, baby,
"as long as you do it discreetly
and before you turn 26" speech?
It's okay. It's okay. I'll move.
-What? -[Renee] No, no, no, not you.
I'm just being invisible woman-ed.
[Ella] At the bodega?
Mm-hmm.
This female colonizer in here
was literally standing on top of me.
You know the whites can't see us.
Anyway, I was just calling to wish you good luck.
And don't go into that office this morning
trying to be yourself.
Try being someone much more likable,
like one of those nice colored girls from Georgia
we went to school with
who were raised to marry well.
Ishmael, what up? I'm finna be late.
Almost, lady, almost.
-[sighs] -[Ella] I cannot believe
you're still eating out of the bodega.
Right now it's a requirement.
Are you not hungover?
'Cause I feel like stir-fried shit.
Ah, pain threshold hovering around three.
Remember when we were 21,
and we could get in at five in the morning,
drink a Red Bull, and just shake it off?
No, I have very few lucid memories of my 20s.
Bacon, egg, and cheese.
-Uh! -Oh!
-That is mine. -Oh, I thought it was mine.
I am a woman phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, that is me.
♪ ♪
-Uh... -Hmm.
Did you just "Phenomenal Woman" her?
Yes, I did.
Oh.
Why she want to make me angry before 9 a.m.?
I hate when I'm mad on a Monday.
[upbeat music plays]
♪ ♪
[woman] Hips back, elbows down.
♪ ♪
So good, team.
Y'all look so good.
-[cell phone ringing] -[breathing deeply]
Morning, Mother.
[breathing heavily]
Aunt Zelda?
I haven't heard her name in over ten years.
Mom, the guest list has to end somewhere.
-[line beeps] -Okay, Mom, this is work.
Mom, this is work!
I won't call you back.
Hello.
No! I told Chad to do it.
His nepotism is really starting to show.
Radha, you run the new numbers.
I'll be in soon.
[moaning and whimpering]
Shh!
-Quiet. -[both laugh]
[both breathing heavily]
-[groans] -Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay.
[both moaning]
[thumping]
-[moans] -[grunts]
[knock at door]
[both gasp]
Daddy, I'm awake.
[both laugh]
[Amari] Daddy?
This is nothing like when you call me Daddy.
Oh, God.
[mellow music plays]
And how are we today, mind, body, and soul?
Um...
purple unicorn, blue heart, pink mermaid.
What about you?
Pink unicorn, yellow heart, gold mermaid.
You guys ever gonna let Daddy crack this unicorn code?
[both] Mm, no.
Come on, it's not fair.
Okay, Chicken, close your eyes.
I have a surprise for you.
And open them.
Why are they brown?
Because that is how
all the Black professional ballerinas do it.
Seems like a bit much for six weeks of lessons,
though, don't you think?
No, not at all.
Ballet is all about the aesthetic of the unbroken line.
So pink shoes on a brown leg is a broken line.
Well, I appreciate your diligence on the subject.
And as always, your beautiful brain
continues to wow me.
Oh, I got to go.
Uh, I left her tuition check by the door.
So please don't forget it, okay?
-Okay. -And you, I love you. Mwah.
Uh, unicorn, television set, red mermaid.
-Mm-mm. No. -No.
But I'm getting it.
-No. -I'm getting it.
-He's not even close, is he? -Have a good day, guys.
He is something else.
Mm, who you tellin'?
[funky electronic music plays]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
I like what you've done with the place.
Oh, it's a miracle I have an office at all.
Whoever the fuck invented open office floor plans
should be forced to listen to the Lean In audiobook
on repeat for the rest of their lives.
You know the digital revolution cannot be forged
in an office with walls.
You look good.
-You better? -Think so.
The "book not selling" stuff, yes.
The being branded a "regressive blow
to fourth-wave feminism" part,
-not so much. -[Barb] That's bullshit.
Your essay about cooking dinner ass-naked in an apron and heels
was quite exquisite.
That was a personal story.
I wasn't suggesting it as a practice.
Okay, kiddo, for your first assignment,
you won a trip to cover
Soulja Boy's Legends party tonight.
♪ Superman that ho, what? ♪
♪ Superman that ho, What, what? ♪
Come on, Barb.
Ah, don't "Come on, Barb" me.
Soulja Boy...
"He is the first true Internet rap star.
"He launched a movement that led to the current wave
"of self-produced and distributed artists
that shifted the landscape."
Says who?
Says the fucking press release.
When I woke up this morning
and I thought about how my first day here would go,
I said to myself,
"Why don't you go and interview that young man
"who basically taught guys everywhere
"how to stick sheets onto women's backs
"with their semen
and do a dance at the same time?"
I'm sorry, but did I dream that you called all,
"Barb, Barb, what am I gonna do?
"The critics hate my book," begging me for a job?
-No-- -[Barb] Sometimes, Ella,
you look up, and life is different.
There's no more car service
or white parties in the Hamptons
or offices with doors that lock
and curtains-- curtains that close.
Yeah. I blame Matt Lauer.
I blame that motherfucker, too.
Shit.
Look, I was the first Black editor in chief
of a mainstream lifestyle publication at 35.
Now I'm 45, and I'm doing this shit.
Adapt, Ella.
Reinvention, that's the game.
You don't see me walking around all puh and pathetic.
[whimpers]
-I'm not pathetic. -You a little pathetic.
But you're a good writer,
and you've always been good with celebrities,
which is why I hired you again.
I just could do without all this
"victim of a failed media state" shtick you got going on.
Could you just be, I don't know...
grateful?
Just be as committed to grateful
as you are to self-pity.
I am grateful, Barb.
Seriously, thank you for everything.
Great.
Get out my office. [laughs]
Whoo!
♪ Now watch me yuuuuuuu ♪
[humming]
[sighs]
She didn't close the fucking door.
[soft piano music playing]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, hi, you must be Amari's mom.
I'm Julie.
-This is Goldie. -Hi.
I'm Sondi.
I-I'm actually Amari's dad's girlfriend.
I mean, we live together,
and I-I obviously still keep an apartment
because we're not married, so, um...
But I've been in Amari's life since she was four.
[Julie] Well, it's nice to meet you.
Our girls just love Amari.
We're so glad she's sticking with it.
Which ones are yours?
Mimi came out looking like her father.
She's in front.
[Julie] And my Clara's right next to her.
You can see it in her eyes.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Did you just get here, or did you see me dance?
I totes got here early,
and you were totes the best one in the whole entire class.
No, I'm totes not.
Ms. Janet says Clara has the best technique.
Clara, Shmara.
Don't tell anybody, but your teacher's a liar.
Chicken, what happened to the shoes I made for you?
I left them at home. Sorry.
No sorrys, dah-ling.
-BRB. -Okay.
Hi, I'd like to pay for the next session
for Amari Powell.
Finally.
We usually don't accept late tuition, but...
we love Amari.
We do offer scholarships
for our underprivileged students.
I can give you a brochure.
Um, no, that'll just wind up in the trash.
Yes, well, Amari's teacher asked me to give you this.
Nutritional suggestions for a six-year-old?
Amari has a great natural facility for ballet.
We just want to help her avoid some of the pitfalls
unique to the bodies of dancers with her...
ethnic background.
I'll be needing that back. Thanks.
Amari, let's go.
-Did you hear that? -Ooh!
Seriously, go look...
[Zilo] ♪ It don't get any clearer ♪
♪ I can see it In the way you move ♪
♪ Come get A little nearer... ♪
-[Whitney] Seriously? -[Renee] Ugh!
Why is everybody trying it today?
I would've smacked that bitch in the face.
-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm.
And now Matthew's over here texting me
like I'm in trouble.
Ooh, teacher's pet is fucking up.
He's the one who has her enrolled in a school
where they're hypersexualizing her prepubescent body
and subverting her femininity.
I'll take "Academic Buzzwords" for $600, Alex.
[laughter]
Anyway, I'm enrolling her in the Dance Theatre of Harlem.
Maybe you should talk to Matthew about that first.
Right, 'cause those Negro ballet slippers
were clearly a miss.
Shit!
What in the whole universe?
Cherise. Cherise.
Hey, girl, you got a first-aid kit?
Legally we're required to,
but we're also supposed to have fire extinguishers,
so I'ma say no.
[sighs] It's okay.
The whole universe is just not fucking with me today.
Y'all want a round of Get Drunk or Die Trying?
[all] Yes.
Cherise, your titties look particularly amazing today.
Her tits always look amazing.
[Cherise] They're good, right?
-I think so. -Yes.
Oh, sweet child, sweet child. I'll be back.
Okay. [sighs]
-Uh-uh. -Um...
I thought that you said
your wedding was a small, intimate affair.
Why are there, like, 300 invitations here?
Because this is no longer my wedding.
This is a wedding for Olabisi Adeyemo,
his mother, his 15 aunts from Nigeria,
and my mother and her ever-expanding list
of society women and church friends.
Honestly, at this point, I should just invite
each of Cherise's tits.
Weddings are so overrated.
Huh, inspiring prenuptial insights
from our only married friend.
What? For what Jason and I spent on our wedding,
I could be debt-free and have bought a small boat.
Okay, before Renee makes this all about her,
Whitney, have you bought your wedding tribal dress yet?
Ugh, no.
The tribal colors from his village
are brown and blue.
And they want me to wrap my $350 bridal updo
in a... durag thingy.
I'm pretty sure it's not a durag exactly.
It's like a crown, bougie.
Oh, and the worst of it,
Ola's mother wants branzino for the fish entrée.
Mmm, I love branzino.
Uh, no, you don't.
You think you love branzino
because the chefs always serve it as a special
and people who don't know better let other people
dictate to them what's actually special in life.
And because waiters are always referring to it
as a, um, "European sea bass,"
people get distracted by the fact
that in terms of taste and flavor,
it's just glorified tilapia.
So everybody's passing over a beautiful piece of halibut
or even a red snapper
because all the chefs of New York
have decided to make branzino a thing.
But branzino's not a thing.
It's just basic.
I think she just called you a basic bitch.
-Mm-hmm. -I did no such thing.
-Yes, you did. -Mm-hmm.
You know what? I'm gonna take my basic ass
to Matthew's reading of his essay for The Atlantic,
so you can lick your own damn wedding invitations.
Hasn't he done several already?
Right, like, how many times can you present one essay?
It's not like the nigga wrote a book.
[laughter]
Okay, Matthew Powell will never turn down an occasion
to hear himself speak in front of a captive audience, so...
No, no, no, no, no, don't go, please.
I was just about to beg you all to come downtown with me
to this Soulja Boy party tonight.
What's that even mean?
♪ Soulja Boy up in this ♪
♪ Watch me crank it Watch me roll ♪
Welcome to my life at Hot Tea Digest.
I keep telling you guys I did something really evil
in a past life.
Not, like, Hitler evil but definitely, like,
Clarence Thomas evil.
Okay, Ella, I love you, boo-boo,
but it's a hard no for me.
What about you two?
You can't be serious.
Soulja Boy is a fucking legend. I'm in.
[Remy Ma] ♪ Come, all, to the E-Z ♪
["Conceited" plays]
♪ Yes ♪
♪ See, this ain't nothin' That you used to ♪
♪ Out of the ordinary And usual ♪
♪ You got to have The mind state ♪
♪ Like I'm so great ♪
♪ And can't nobody do it Like you do ♪
♪ Miraculous, phenomenal ♪
♪ See, I look too good To be fuckin' you ♪
♪ And I look too good To be lovin' you ♪
♪ You know I look way too good To be stuck with you ♪
♪ I'm conceited I got a reason ♪
♪ See, I look too good To be getting' whipped... ♪
[Renee] Oh, my God. Is that Jim Jones?
Holy 2006, we just entered a time capsule.
I'm going to get champs.
I'm gonna go find Soulja Boy.
-Meet you at the bar? -All right.
I'm coming with you.
What? I want to meet him.
Soulja Boy.
♪ With his tight white tee ♪
♪ ♪
Hi. I'm with Hot Tea Digest.
I have an interview with Soulja Boy.
Ma'am, please step away from the rope.
-No press today. -[Renee] Oh, please.
How do you even know she's press?
She could be lying.
You know, maybe she's just some groupie whore
just trying to get in the VIP.
What difference does it make, sir?
Brian!
Well, who invited Ella McFair to the party?
Hoo!
You look good, girl. where you been?
-In hiding. -[Brian] Mm.
Can you get me over there?
I need a few bites from Soulja Boy.
Well, hold up. Hold up.
Has-has Ella McFair rejoined the peons
of the entertainment biz?
Brian, please.
You lucky I been tryin' to holla at you
since we was interns.
Hey, yo, let them in. They good.
Wait here.
[Renee] A'ight.
Go get him.
♪ ♪
Hey, Soulja.
Sorry, Miss, but Mr. Tell 'Em--
-Mr. who? -Mr. Tell 'Em, he--
Mr. what?
Mr. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em is very specific
about the female optics in his section.
You and your friend are a bit too... mature
for this part of the club.
What?
You don't look... "groupie whore" enough.
Oh, my God.
That-that must've been really hard
for you to say out loud.
Do you want a hug?
Come on.
'Cause I hopped up out of the bed,
and I turned my swag on for you, Mr. Soulja Boy.
God, I wore this dress for a reason.
Come on, I want to talk to that guy.
Soulja was close to letting us in.
[gasps] Oh, this my shit!
Ah!
["For Free" playing]
♪ ♪
[Drake] ♪ I go on and on ♪
♪ Can't understand How I last so long ♪
♪ I must have superpowers ♪
♪ Last 225,000 hours ♪
[Chris] This is like this every single Monday.
Really? [laughs]
[Chris] Hopefully I'll see you around here more often.
Yeah, well, we'll see.
-Hey. -[Ella] Hey.
Good to see you.
[Chris] Yeah, it's been a minute.
You want another drink?
Champagne, please.
You know who that is, right?
No.
Dude, that's Chris Cabrera.
He's the community peen.
He's literally fucked everybody we know.
Who?
I fucked him in 2012,
Renee in 2014,
and Lynda with a Y from Pilates in 2015.
His dick is amazing.
Like, incredible, impeccable. Mwah.
I don't know if I'm grossed out or intrigued.
Dude, you're getting married.
You missed the window for intrigue.
Well, apparently I missed the window for everything
because I spent my 20s cooking, cleaning,
and fucking my college sweetheart
instead of fucking that guy.
Well, while you bemoan your perfect life,
I'm going to go pee... and maybe cry.
[Too $hort] ♪ Ain't nothin' But pimpin' these days, G ♪
♪ My nigga C got locked up ♪
♪ But these real hos Still know they gots to fuck ♪
♪ Give a fuck, nigga What you say... ♪
Oh!
-[laughs]
-Cheers. -Happy Monday.
["Shake It Down" playing]
[singer] ♪ They love How we break it down ♪
♪ Let me explain this now ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We're bringin' this home ♪
♪ Yeah, bringin' This home... ♪
[mouths word]
♪ Yeah, bringin' this home ♪
♪ We're bringin' this home ♪
♪ Yeah, bringin' this home ♪
♪ We're bringin' This home... ♪
If Black people continue to dissociate
from ideals such as patriotism and nationalism,
it enables this false concept
of a white nationalist identity to thrive.
Why wouldn't the people that built this country
on their backs
with their blood, with their tears
be the most patriotic, the most convicted
about how this country's identity is defined?
Well, that's very romantic
but not particularly pragmatic.
I mean, most Black Americans
are still living a second-class experience.
It's baked into this country's
governing and founding institutions.
Don't you think?
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Sondi Hill,
She is one of my PhD advisees in African American Studies
and, as you can see, an expert contrarian.
-[laughter] -Hi.
["Naked" playing]
♪ ♪
[Ashley Lilinoe] ♪ I surrender to the moment ♪
♪ Now I know there's no reason To be scared ♪
♪ We are shiftin' shapes... ♪
Anderson?
[chuckles softly]
Well, look at you.
-What are you doing here? -I took a position at--
What are you doing in the country?
I'm back.
You still got MCI? [scoffs]
All your calls dropping?
'Cause my number hasn't changed.
I wanted to tell you in person--
Oh, my God, it's Satan.
Are you okay?
Excuse me?
Oh, yeah, that's your new name, mm-hmm.
Oh, you call me Satan?
Only when I talk about you.
You know, my voodoo must be getting real rusty,
'cause I vanquished you from our lives two years ago.
-Renee. -Don't you "Renee" me.
He's top of the fucking worst.
Wow. The top, huh?
You lucky I got to pee like a fucking racehorse,
'cause...
Protect your set, girl.
She always was my favorite.
♪ ♪
I missed you, El.
I didn't miss you at all.
[Ashley Lilinoe] ♪ Peace of mind ♪
♪ The last of humankind Yeah ♪
♪ I know you deserve This beauty undefined ♪
♪ Now I'm finger-paintin' ♪
♪ With the rhythm Of the colors ♪
♪ That I never knew Were there ♪
♪ I surrender to the moment ♪
♪ Now I know There's no reason... ♪
No.
[Ashley Lilinoe] ♪ We are shiftin' shapes ♪
Amari was inconsolable.
She said you embarrassed her in front of all her friends,
said she's got to go dance somewhere else?
I apologize for upsetting Amari,
but I really hate that place for her.
I just want her to feel confident in her own skin--
Okay, but did it ever occur to you
that just maybe she wants to wear pink shoes
'cause she's a six-year-old
and her favorite color is pink?
She wants to be like those other little girls,
but she's not like them.
And sooner or later, they are going to remind her
that she's different and--
-You do this every time. -Do what?
You make every moment a protest song.
For Christ's sake, Sondi, she's a kid.
She's my little girl.
I was just trying to teach her--
Okay, stop!
I love that you have a great relationship with her,
but once again, you've overstepped.
Jeez, sometimes I really wish you would grow up already.
Excuse me?
I spend my days taking care of your ass
and some other chick's child.
That is as grown-up as it gets for me.
[Matthew] Sondi.
[LightSkinKeisha] ♪ Big titties, whoa ♪
♪ Tight dress, no panties Just to go to the store ♪
♪ Headed outta lil' daddy's Coming to... ♪
Hey, do you still live in the Heights?
Yeah.
You want to share a cab uptown?
[LightSkinKeisha] ♪ Might just Do this shit forever ♪
♪ I just do it For the cheddar ♪
♪ I ain't even use no effort ♪
♪ I just made Some investments ♪
♪ Scratch that Off your checklist ♪
♪ Weather got me Acting reckless ♪
♪ Fuck a snack A ho breakfast ♪
♪ Have him coming back For seconds... ♪
Hey. Hey!
Not in my cab.
[LightSkinKeisha] ♪ Trying To preach, I'm a blessing ♪
[jazzy piano music plays]
[both moaning]
[Ella] Yeah.
[both breathing heavily]
[Ella] Come on, come on.
-Yeah. -[moans]
What?
-What's wrong? -It's, um--
I'm-I'm sorry. I just--
Oh, this is mad embarrassing. I...
I got whiskey dick.
[Ella sighs]
[both sigh]
My bad. It was an open bar. I--
[sighs]
Dude, get a bed frame.
[mellow music plays]
♪ ♪
Sondi?
Girl, if you do not start phoning first,
I'ma need to take my spare key back.
[Ella] Sorry.
I have to finish posting this story,
and I didn't want to be alone.
You do realize the walk of shame
usually ends with the person arriving
at their own home, right?
[Ella] How'd it go with Matt?
Well, I'm fucking my thesis adviser
and kind of, sort of raising his kid
in an undefined relationship
which could get him fired and me thrown out of school,
which makes our communication
about me fake stepparenting his daughter
easy and effortless.
Got it.
♪ ♪
What's your story?
Anderson was at the party.
-He's back? -Apparently.
I kissed him.
Ella, seriously?
I'ma need to fuck this dude, because I don't get it.
It's not the sex.
He's my Big.
No, he's not.
Big was tall, rich, and had a driver.
If you're going to perpetually humiliate yourself for a man,
he better be tall, rich, and have a driver.
There's a very clear, well-established
pop-culture road map for this.
We talked about dating guys under 35.
Now, you know I detest the characterization
of the Black male as shiftless and no good, but...
until they're 35, they ain't got nothing to offer but dick--
poor, conflicted dick.
Is this the beginning of the rest of my life?
No.
You do not get to let yourself into my home
so you can sit here and complain
about your little champagne problems, okay?
You are a Black girl in America.
We do not get to do that, okay?
Head up.
Eyes on the prize...
world domination.
♪ ♪
[Sondi] That's right.
[chuckles]
[cell phone chimes]
[Sunni Colón] ♪ Follow me, follow me ♪
♪ Follow me, my supernova... ♪
['Supernova" plays]
World domination.
[toilet flushes]
[Sunni Colón] ♪ I think I want to be around you ♪
♪ For the rest of my life ♪
♪ I'm just livin' In the moment ♪
♪ Having good times... ♪
Hey.
[Sunni Colón] ♪ For once in my life ♪
♪ Follow me, follow me Follow me, my supernova ♪
♪ Going up, going up, going up Till you burst to flames ♪
♪ Turn around, turn around Turn around, turn around ♪
♪ For no one ♪
♪ Follow me, follow me Follow me, my supernova ♪
[woman] Whoo-hoo! [giggles]