(lively chatter, laughter)
("Alright" by Misty Miller playing)
(laughter continues)
♪ We are young ♪
♪ We run green ♪
♪ Keep our teeth ♪
♪ Nice and clean ♪
♪ See our friends ♪
♪ See the sights ♪
♪ Feel all right ♪
-♪ We wake up ♪ -♪ We wake up ♪
-♪ We go out ♪ -♪ We go out... ♪
-BIRDY: Morwenna! -(Perkin laughing)
Morwenna!
-I need Morwenna! -(Perkin laughing)
PERKIN: Wait for me!
-Birdy! -BIRDY: Go away, Perkin!
(Perkin scoffs, blows raspberry)
And to think I just bathed you a fortnight ago.
What a waste.
And cottage raisings are not for young ladies.
Morwenna, I released the pigs, and I'm not ashamed.
They're only headed to slaughter, and I will not allow other animals
to live lives of captivity like mine.
You are the most well-fed captive I know.
And anyhow, I have a matter far more pressing.
Perkin has told me how babies are made,
and I'm afraid I shall perish with revulsion.
Well, you had to learn sooner or later.
You're 14.
Morwenna, am I to move on calmly with what I know now?
A man is going to take a heated iron poker-- a heated one--
stick it up my nose until there's a space big enough for his whole thumb,
after which he will press seeds into my brain.
And they trickle down my throat, into my gut,
where they take root for nine months before popping out my bum.
-No. -(Morwenna chuckling)
No...
(Morwenna continues chuckling)
I shall murder Perkin.
I shall murder him, Morwenna!
And he will bleed worse than if I was to stick a spike up his...
Corpus bones!
It is I, Birdy.
♪ ♪
I am the daughter of Lord Rollo...
...and the Lady Aislinn.
Charge of Morwenna, the nursemaid.
Sister to Edward the Monk...
...and to the abominable Robert.
Birdy, leave me be, please.
-You're a courgette. -Okay.
BIRDY: Of the village of Stonebridge in the shire of Lincoln
in the country of England in the hands of God.
-(Perkin laughing) -(Birdy shouts playfully)
Put your clothes on; don’t refuse
Breeches, gloves, and also shoes;
Hat on head, for rain or sun
Buttons-- do up every one.
And friend of Perkin, my heart's brother.
Although he is just a goat boy, he is kind of heart and wise of spirit.
-(passes gas) -(groans)
(both laughing)
Though he is sorely afflicted with wind in his bowels.
MORWENNA: That's it.
Och.
BIRDY: Tangled my spinning again.
-What a torture. -No, gently.
I would rather be fed to a stroppy dragon than try and spin like a lady.
Oh, come on. Like I showed you.
No!
-There. -No.
BIRDY: I am, thank the Lord, very cunning.
Most girls are, though we're not given due credit for it.
But I have a fantastic update.
I have made a bargain with my mother.
I may forgo spinning, my greatest agitation of all,
as long as I write this account of my days for my brother, Edward the Monk.
In his letters, he tells me he believes it will help me grow
less childish and more learned.
So what follows will be my book,
the book of Catherine, called Little Bird or Birdy.
(mimicking whistling wind)
A golden braid for my golden lady?
BIRDY: Meg the dairymaid is a dear friend,
when I can stop her from curtsying and milady-ing me.
This is hay.
But I really appreciate the sentiment.
It's beautiful.
(speaking Latin)
(chuckling)
Which means "my father is a beast,"
which must be the best words that I've ever learned.
(laughing)
You're so lucky your father's dead.
-Birdy. -Hmm?
I'm still actually quite upset about that.
(sniffles)
BIRDY: My truest passions are avoiding my chores...
ROLLO: Come on, yes!
Fight me harder this time.
Not too hard, though. Not too hard.
BIRDY: ...critiquing my father's horrible swordplay...
Birdy, mind my flowers! No, no, no, don't trample them.
Birdy, walk on the path. Can you walk on the path!
I don't see a path.
BIRDY: ...disrupting cottage raisings...
(laughter)
-WOMAN: Hey! -...causing mischief in the village...
-You stole my chicken! -(chicken clucking)
...and listening through doors I should not listen through.
Well, how has this happened, Finneas?
After all, you're paid to prevent things like this.
-(blows sharply) -FINNEAS: In essence, my lord,
you have ignored me.
You have spent profligately and without censure.
ROLLO: Nonsense. I can't have spent so much.
Give me one example of-of an expense
not strictly necessary for the survival of my family.
Really?
My tiger has arrived.
(flies buzzing)
It's dead.
(sighs) The travel was harsh from Siberia, my lord.
Mayhap it's just sleeping, Father.
It's not breathing, you fool.
-Perhaps some water? -ROLLO: What, am I to live on
bread and water and chitchat alone, like some peasant? Is that what you want?
-(growling) -(groans) Hey! Dog!
(groans) Dog.
-Dog. Dog! -(growling)
If, my lord, you were able to secure
a profitable union for your only daughter...
ROLLO: A profitable union?
There is an opportunity to relieve this accumulated debt.
For Birdy?
-Yes. -With a man?
-Yes. -No, no.
No, she's disgusting. She's one step away from... from a leper.
-(growling) -No. Go away.
(muttering)
You may not have coins, but your wife has a title,
and she gave it to you...
She didn't give it to me.
I earned it.
There are plenty of men foolish enough
to trade their fortune for the prefix of "lord."
Now it's your job to find one.
No, surely, there must be another way, yes?
She's my only daughter.
And this is your only manor.
♪ ♪
My lord.
(fire crackling)
BIRDY: Something is astir.
Hi.
BIRDY: I can feel my father's eyes following me wherever I go.
He is regarding me as he would a bull bought for breeding.
Exactly how old are you?
I have 14 years.
I am surprised he's not asked to examine my hooves.
And you've all your own teeth?
All but one.
Well, you're certainly a good eater.
What color's your hair when it's clean?
When it's clean?
Blue, I think.
Very good.
Well, nice to see you.
Mm. And you.
You can go and see your little goat friend, uh...
BIRDY: What is brewing here?
ROLLO: 14. That's-that's not young.
-(chickens clucking) -(goats bleating)
♪ ♪
(honking)
I am dying. It is plain to see.
(sighs) What's Perkin told you now, Goosey?
Och, in the name of the Father, Birdy.
I must say my goodbyes and get on with good humor.
I will go bravely and with God in my heart.
Please give my brooch to my future sister.
And my Bible to my brother Edward,
and tell him that I'm sorry I got pudding upon the pages.
Morwenna.
The blood came from my bum.
From your bum?
Oh, for the love of a god greater than I.
It comes from the other hole, Birdy.
What other hole?
(stammering)
It is your monthly tidings.
The lady in red.
So you will do your duty to bear your husband children.
Then I shall run away. Far.
I shall steal a suit of armor and become a knight and take...
take the horse and the carriage, and I shall ride at midnight.
Dress as a knight or dress as a lady, the blood will come.
You are a woman now, Birdy.
-Woman? -Mm-hmm.
MORWENNA: First of all, we're gonna make a pad.
Rag gets wrapped round hand.
Make it good and thick.
That is a nice wee pad that sits in your pants.
You hold that.
-Are they my father's? -No.
-These are your pants. -My-my pants?
And this... Give me the pad.
Like that. (makes whooshing sound)
Up between your legs, and then that's gonna get all the blood
and keep it away from your clothes.
Can you manage that?
Yes, I can, Morwenna.
MORWENNA: Hey. Don't do that.
-Just be careful. -BIRDY: I am!
MORWENNA: We'll get some mint,
'cause that makes the whole thing taste nice.
Dandelion-- but not the flower, obviously--
is perfect for those cramps.
-(laughter, indistinct chatter) -(lamb bleating)
Alf, do you have your mum's knickers on Wendy's head?
MORWENNA: Och. Perkin.
What's he up to now, dressing up farm animals?
A lamb should be dressed in mint sauce, not a hat.
All those herbs that we picked,
we're going to make tea into your favorite cup.
It is my favorite cup.
It is your favorite cup. I know.
And swirl, and dip.
And take a sip, and the pain will be gone.
(gags)
(Morwenna snoring softly)
(Morwenna snoring loudly)
I...
-(gasping) -(clattering)
(Rollo chuckles)
What are you doing?
Knocking is, uh... is customary, uh, Birdy,
although, I admit, maybe not in the public houses that you frequent.
Public... I've never been to a public house. Mama, he lies.
-ROLLO: I'm not lying, darling! - AISLINN: Oh...
-I'm jesting. There's a difference. -(Aislinn laughing)
Although I did see you in the, uh, public house the other night, didn't I?
Um, swearing and drinking ale, getting into fights with peasants?
-Big punch-up, no? Huh? -Mama?
AISLINN: I, for one, should like my room free of jesters for the moment.
I should like to rest.
ROLLO: One more jest before I go, huh?
What did the Pope say to the ale rat?
-(Rollo chuckling) -BIRDY: What?
What?
Well, what did the Pope say to the ale rat?
What did the Pope say to the... What are you talking about?
-BIRDY: The jest. -She gone... she gone mad?
The Pope and the ale rat.
What Pope?
-Which ale rat? -Father...
Oh, yes. Um...
(laughs)
-(Aislinn sighs) -Mama?
Birdy.
I have something to tell you. It's ever so serious, so...
(whimpers, groans)
-Mama, are you all right? -(shudders) Yes.
It's just the baby kicking.
What was it you wanted to say, darling?
BIRDY: Maybe now is not a good time.
And perhaps I shall wait forever.
-There's a hanging today in Rutherford. -A hanging?
An ever so small one. I was thinking I could maybe go...
Absolutely forbidden.
-Robert goes to all the hangings. -Well, Robert is Robert, and you are not.
And anyhow, the Sidebottoms arrive today.
It's your favorite day of the month.
Come here to me, child.
Come and rest with your weary mother.
(sighs) So nice to have you here, my darling.
I'm so tired.
I'm always so tired.
When will I not be tired, Birdy?
BIRDY: Um, in a year?
AISLINN: In a year.
♪ ♪
It's the only one I could find. Here they come.
BIRDY: Today, Aelis comes.
She's a dearest friend to me.
-AISLINN: Can you see that? -BIRDY: Yeah.
(Aislinn laughs)
You have a weak right eye...
-BIRDY: Yeah. -AISLINN: So use the left.
Slowly, slowly… (muttering)
Oh, God. Clumsy.
Oh, God, my...
BIRDY: And when I see her face, I hear birds and whistles.
I see ribbons, and I see flowers.
-Oh, Aelis. -Oh, Aelis.
(muttering, grumbling)
Oh, every bone in my body is aching.
(continues grumbling)
My mind is aching.
-Birdy, your hair's got so long. -I know.
-It's so ducky. -Birdy?
You must give me some kind of warning,
because the sight of your countenance, it makes me...
it makes me feel... (retches)
Hi, Robert.
ROBERT: Lady Sidebottom.
Aelis.
Always very good to see you.
(Aelis chuckles)
You're looking rather piquant.
Well, you look rather pink yourself.
Leave us be.
Do you ladies need an escort around the garden?
It's... it-it can be very dangerous around here.
-Just go, you deathmonger. Go! -(chuckles)
And the roses have, um...
-been exceptional this season. -Absolutely wonderful.
And, of course, butterflies.
I hate butterflies.
We have already had, uh, five or six marriage proposals,
all of them serious inquiries.
We've had, um, uh, nine...
Some of these letters are florid in the extreme.
But I don't care if they are poets.
I care if they can pay for my daughter in...
(laughing): in gold brick.
Absolutely.
-Welcome to Stonebridge, Lady Aelis. -Oh, you have buns!
Yes, I have buns.
I used to have more buns and cakes, but now I think we're poor.
-We are not poor, -Good.
but there's nothing to eat at our manor,
'cause Papa banished the baker a month ago.
Why?
(whispering): Well, he said that he and my stepmother
were exchanging wistful glances.
BOTH: Hmm.
(Lady Sidebottom humming)
(whispers): Thank you. Thank you.
My lady, I promise I'm not spoiling my supper.
Oh. I do not give a goat's ass what you spoil, Aelis.
LORD SIDEBOTTOM: Berenice! B-Berenice!
Never again leave a convivial grouping when I'm speaking.
I... I was about to make a point of great importance.
Well, I go where I want,
and I say what I please!
(whispers): She's been writing the most tragic poetry.
(both chuckle)
Do you know my stepmother was brought to our manor from Gascony?
-Gascony? -Mm-hmm.
-First by boat, then by carriage. -Mm-hmm.
Took many nights, and no one told her where she was going.
And then my father was waiting.
He sent away for a wife the day after my mother died.
Men are horribly duplicitous creatures.
I should like to take a carriage with you, Aelis.
How would we escape?
We'll, uh, steal a knight's armor or a monk's robes or...
-I don't know. -(laughs) Well, where would we go?
-Well... -(laughs)
Uncle George writes to me of the Crusades.
-Oh, Uncle George. -So we could...
Uncle George, Uncle George!
All you ever speak about is Uncle George.
-Yes, because he comes soon, Aelis. -Mm.
You know he's my best uncle.
He's your only uncle.
-Yes. -(both laugh)
(playing simple melody)
BIRDY: As the time approaches when we must wed,
we are forced to undertake lady lessons.
My two least favorite words, together in one terrible phrase.
Gently, young ladies.
A gentle hand plays a soothing tune.
BIRDY: Sister Cornethia attempts to make me
musical, pious and full of grace
-for any suitor who may call. -(girls play discordant notes, laugh)
Do we find our lessons ever so funny?
It seems to me a joke is astir.
No.
BIRDY: But she will find she has no easy job.
-(melody resumes) -(Aelis laughs)
(laughing)
(loud grunting)
(groaning)
-(quiet chatter) -(groaning continues)
(Aislinn grunting)
My lord.
BIRDY: I want to meet the baby.
AISLINN: Birdy, please go for Mama.
Catherine, come on. You must to bed.
Why does he get to meet the baby?
Only God will meet this baby, Birdy.
BIRDY: I will never get used to babies coming dead.
And my heart will never stop aching for them to live.
I continue to hide my rags so that my father
will not make me a wife and a mother,
and I will keep hiding them over and over...
forever.
Mother usually checks in on Edward at the abbey,
but she still loses blood from the birth so sends me in her place.
We are too poor to offer the monks any pies anymore.
I simply bring myself.
(monks chanting)
I always imagined that Edward lived amongst God-fearing old nutters
and musty old men who clutched their Bibles to their chests.
♪ Come on, buzz me up to heaven, baby ♪
♪ I've been missing you ♪
♪ I should be kissing you ♪
♪ Honey to the bee, that's you for me... ♪
BIRDY: Ooh-la-la.
Wait.
These are monks? Why hath no one told me?
I am ever so confused about what God is getting at here.
♪ Honey to the bee... ♪
(whispers): Psst. Edward.
(whispers): Catherine. Sorry.
What are you doing here?
I'm just visiting an old friend.
Get off Jesus.
Catherine.
Don't look at me like that.
(monks continue chanting)
♪ Mmm, mmm ♪
Salve, gentlemen.
♪ You for me. ♪
(both speaking Latin)
BIRDY: Ow!
(Birdy groaning)
EDWARD (hushed): Catherine!
(Edward coughing)
♪ ♪
How was I to know that comely young women are a spiritual danger to monks?
You are no danger to anyone but yourself.
Does Mother heal?
In body, if not in spirit.
Our brute of a father does not help.
Do you know what I find even worse than the pain she bears?
It's the fact that she must worry about us always.
Being a mother is a terrible job.
Birdy, please do not joust with our crucified Savior.
(makes whooshing sound)
Are there no better amusements around here, Edward?
Perhaps a sacred sword used to slay a pagan.
Not a sword in sight.
I do not believe you. If I were a boy, you'd let me see.
Everybody lets boys do everything.
So boring, Edward.
Well, boredom is for the dull-witted, Bird.
You're not dull, are you?
Of course I'm not dull.
How goes your reading and the diary I've tasked you with?
I write in my diary every day and read the Bible over and over again.
I know all the important prayers by heart.
I have something for you, actually.
(clears throat)
A gift.
Oh, good. A book.
Well, now that I've captured your attention,
mayhap you actually read it.
It is a book of the saints.
Each day, a different saint.
Promise me you shall read,
and read and read and read some more.
And write, too.
Knowing your own story will be your salvation.
Promise.
Mayhap I could be a saint.
Well, for starters, I believe saints help their nursemaids with the washing.
BIRDY: Why does Edward want me to read this book
so full of strangers and their woes?
For saints are just dinguses I will never actually meet.
At the very least, I'll become an expert on their gruesome deaths,
which are so displeasing that they please me terribly.
What does "defenestration" mean?
-A mission towards glory. -Ow! Ow!
-I don't want to be a lady, so perhaps a saint? -Ow! Ow.
Birdy, put some shoes on, for heaven's sake.
I cannot.
If I'm to be a saint, I'm to practice self-sacrifice.
Ow!
Any other jolly little plans for this afternoon?
Why, yes, actually.
I'm denying myself buns.
I'm also going to sleep with a comb beneath my back,
for I must emulate Saint Blandina,
who was scourged, placed on a red-hot grate
and then thrown before a wild steer
who tossed her into the air with his horns.
Tragically, she was killed with a dagger.
You'll meet a dagger if you don't put your bloody shoes on.
-Birdy. -Morwenna!
I cannot believe I must bear this with good humor month after month.
I would prefer a monthly bath in poo
or to wrestle a lion.
Oh, to wrestle a lion.
ROLLO: Well, can I be blamed for wanting us to have a bit of joy,
for wanting you to have a bit of joy?
Every year for the past six, we've lost a child.
Rollo, why did you not tell me we have naught to spend?
I want only to be your partner, to stand beside you as lady of this manor.
Because the lady needs to have her garlands,
she needs to have her silver twine, she needs to have apples in her roast,
and I have to keep this family from descending into utter poverty!
And Birdy is our only currency, so we're in real trouble.
♪ ♪
Ow.
Perkin?
Yes, Bird?
What do you suppose about kissing?
Suppose how?
Might it not be as vile as we once thought?
-(grunts) -God's thumbs, it's slimy!
-(laughing) -BIRDY: Ugh.
Come on.
(horse neighing)
PERKIN: What do you even want, anyway?
Good tidings.
From Kent, where the weather is finer than the silk from Kashmir.
Laid out upon a table for 20.
May I ask you, where's your mistress?
-Our mistress? -Yes.
Lady Catherine of the manor.
The fair cherub I have traveled so far to meet.
What are your intentions with our mistress, sir?
If she is as fair and as goodly and as decent as I've heard tell,
then I suppose I shall marry her forthwith.
-Marry her? Lady Catherine? -Uh, uh...
Yes, I've come here to propose marriage.
To our-our Lady Catherine?
-You cannot mean our Lady Catherine. -Our Lady Catherine?
I do mean your Lady Catherine, as a matter of fact.
As I've told you, I've ridden all this way.
I've actually incurred several psoas injuries during the process,
because Hercules is broader than you might imagine.
So, if you could just tell me where...
No, no, sir, we know Lady Catherine, and you really shouldn't have bothered.
We're just a bit confused why you would travel all this way for such a...
Sh-She's a creature, a vile creature.
-All, uh, teeth and hair and... -PERKIN: Awful. Terrible.
BIRDY: ...vomit and snot.
-Some say she has a third ear. -She does.
Have you seen this third ear?
-BIRDY: I've seen it. -Where?
Back of her neck.
Is it functional?
-Spare. -Spare.
Now, what... where is the Lady Catherine that I have heard of
who has ebony tresses that tumble like waterfalls?
The Lady Catherine that has the curves of an archipelago?
Arch-Archipelago?
What is an archipelago?
A small series of little islands, I believe.
-You've been tricked-- cruelly, cruelly tricked. -You've been tricked.
-Yes, I think... -PERKIN: Very cruelly, sir.
I have been tricked, and cruelly so.
Sir, you best be off before Lady Catherine comes and rears her ugly head.
I want to thank you, actually.
-You're very, very dashing. -PERKIN: Thanks.
You, on the other hand, have been a little churlish, if I may say so.
-Thank you very much, sir. -(horse neighing)
(door opens)
I will not sneak you a jug of ale, Birdy, so do not ask it of me.
-I demand to know the meaning of this. -Meaning of what?
A man has come and asked for me by name.
-Sounds improbable. -He hails from Kent.
Oh, yes.
Yes. That's good, good, good.
Um, well, you better get-get yourself washed up.
-I've sent him away. -You sent him away?
I sent him away.
I'm not interested in meeting him nor any man with his intentions.
No, Birdy, go up to the high road and get him back.
I'm afraid he's quite gone.
In fact, he galloped away.
No...
Right. I...
Where's the... Where is the... I need...
(clears throat, sniffs)
Hand.
-(smack) -(grunts)
-BIRDY: Things girls cannot do. -(smack)
Go on Crusades.
-(smack) -Cut their hair.
-(smack) -Be horse trainers.
-(smack) -Laugh very loud.
-(smack) -Marry whom they will.
-(smack) -Be monks.
-(smack) -Drink in alehouses.
-(smack) -Go to hangings.
You will behave like a lady when a suitor comes to call,
-or we are going to end up in the cooper's cellar. -AISLINN: Stop. No, Rollo.
-Rollo! -Do you understand that?
I cannot bear it. Stop it, please.
Do you realize your daughter has sent away a perfectly good suitor?
Do not rage over that man.
My fathers were kings of Britain long ago.
He's just a simple wool merchant from Kent.
My darling, we cannot eat your royal fathers.
We cannot plant your ancestors.
That man was...
incredibly rich.
She is young yet.
She cannot even bear children.
No, I most certainly cannot.
Just give her some time.
Some time.
("Connection" by Misty Miller playing)
BIRDY: Just one more day until Uncle George.
♪ ♪
After one man brought doom on horseback, another brings divine hope.
♪ Riding on any wave ♪
♪ That is the luck you crave ♪
♪ They don't believe it now, they just think it's stupid... ♪
My uncle is so unlike any other man that I know.
He has a twinkle in his holy green eyes,
a song on his lips and all his teeth.
♪ But somehow the vital connection is made. ♪
How was your day, my love?
It was, uh... it was fine.
Don't say "fine," Robert.
It's boring. Don't bore your mother.
I cannot believe that my only sister's only daughter is now up to my shoulder.
When I left, you were wearing a nappy with a big wooden pin;
a tiny barbarian the size of a toadstool.
Mother told us that you were in the Holy Land
wearing a red cross on a white tunic,
nobly fighting for God and Christ and our king.
The truth, I'm afraid, was much less picturesque.
My tunic was covered in mud and thistles.
But there was a line, a line of Crusaders,
leading from Jerusalem all the way to London, wasn't there?
There was a line.
It was a line of the injured waiting to be treated for their wounds.
Fun and games, it was not.
♪ ♪
(chuckles)
Will you ever put that wee stick away?
It's not a stick.
It's a bear.
From Uncle George.
-Oh, a gift from Uncle Georgie. -Quiet!
-(teasing): Oh, Georgie. Oh... -Morwenna!
You're just jealous 'cause no one's ever whittled you a gift.
-No, that's right. -Especially not a bear.
Like mine, from George.
Oh, no, that's right-- no gifts for poor Morwenna.
-Oh, dear. -(snickers)
-Come on, get into bed. -(sighs)
That's enough.
-That's enough. -Uh-huh.
-Night night. -Night night.
And don't be having my eye out with that thing.
BIRDY: If I cannot be a hero,
I will love a hero instead.
He will tell my father he cannot sell me off this way,
and he will fight for me.
♪ My boyfriend's back, you're gonna be in trouble ♪
♪ Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back ♪
♪ You see him coming, better cut out on the double ♪
♪ Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back ♪
♪ Oh, my boyfriend's back ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ My boyfriend's back ♪
♪ My boyfriend's back now ♪
(both laughing)
-♪ My boyfriend's back now. ♪ -(squealing laughter)
Does he look much like the archangel Michael?
-Mm, no. -Mm.
No dead saint could be as beautiful as he.
Mm. Well, I must see him for myself, then.
If I were to marry, Aelis...
BOTH (laughing): If... if...
-...then I should choose him. -Mm.
If only he were my cousin and not my uncle.
I'm sorry.
True love can prevail.
You know there's a cottage raising today?
Birdy, you know we would be whipped.
You get whipped?
My father only beats me across the hand with his rod. That's all.
Cottage raisings are not for girls with suitors calling.
BIRDY: And so I watched the cottage raising from the hill,
clean for my suitors but full of dirty rage.
I shall never smear myself with mud again and shove Perkin onto the ground.
I shall never get to see a hanging.
I shall never get to have anything like fun.
And just because my birthright is to bleed.
♪ This girl is on fire ♪
(yells)
-♪ This girl is on fire... ♪ -(playful shouting)
No, this game is absolute rubbish.
I feel completely defeated.
-You are so pathetic. -Shut up!
♪ This girl is on fire... ♪
(laughter, playful chatter)
♪ Everybody stares as she goes by ♪
-♪ They can see the flame in her eyes... ♪ -Catch! Oh, you didn't catch it.
-Oh, they're hot! Oh, they're hot! -You have to teach me this.
-(indistinct shouting) -(laughing)
BIRDY: Many people are afeard of Allhallows Eve,
of the dead who come back to visit the earth.
But the only dead I know are my tiny brothers and sisters
who died before they were even born, and how could I be afeard of them?
I wish they would come visit.
It would ease my mother's grieving.
-Birdy. Birdy. -Aelis!
(laughing)
-Do you like my horn? -It's so lovely.
-Morwenna sewed it. -It's so sweet.
(laughing): Oh, sorry.
George.
-Hello, Bird. That's a nice-looking crown. -(bell jingles)
It's a horn.
I saw a man with gloves like devil's claws,
and I became frightened.
I was hiding behind the henhouse when this kind gentleman found me.
That is my Uncle George, Aelis.
(whispers): The one who you've so often spoken of?
(chuckles) Well, yes, it must be he.
For you said he was kind and handsome, too.
I, too, was quite shaken by that clawed man
with the long, gnarled fingers and...
-I think I saw… -And did you see the mummer with the, um...
-the big lump on his face? -(laughs)
Red, angry lump-- was that a costume, do you think?
Or, uh, it's a natural affliction?
(Aelis chuckles)
Let me get you both safely back to your chambers.
-No, we want to see the mummers and the dancing. -AELIS: Yes...
-Boo! -(Aelis and George gasp)
PERKIN (laughing): I've died, Birdy,
and now I'm just a ghost sent to haunt you until the end of your life.
-Ooh... -(Aelis chuckles)
That's enough of this silliness, goat boy.
I was simply trying to get back to my chamber
to read some lovely verse before falling to peaceful sleep
and entering dreamland.
I'll...
leave you to your friends, then...
Lady Catherine.
♪ ♪
-(laugher and chattering nearby) -(bell jingles)
(fire crackling)
My father's agreed I might stay for a whole fortnight.
Or even two.
I wish you'd written to ask.
How do you know it's convenient for me?
I have a great many chores.
(Morwenna muttering)
BIRDY: Why am I being so unkind?
I am agitated.
I blame the eel pie.
-(meows) -Come on, little orange... (grunts)
♪ ♪
It is definitely not the eel pie.
(sniffling)
(indistinct chatter)
Catherine?
Your father has found your monthly rags stuffed inside the privy.
They were peeking behind the cracks.
-They're not mine. -Mm-hmm.
(sighs)
How did you know?
Catherine, I am your mother and lady of this manor.
There is naught I do not see and naught I do not know,
and I will tell you, it is useless to stuff your rags, no matter how deep.
Now, I've been trying my best to protect you.
But your father is waiting for his chance to make you a wife
and to bring propriety to this manor, and I can deny him no more.
Do I not have a say?
Everything has its time, its season.
It is your season, my love.
Traitor.
-And a liar and a fiend! Devil! -Oh! Catherine!
I hate you!
-Birdy, no! Stop it now! -I hate you! I hate you! -Stop.
-I hate you! -AISLINN:Stop!
-That's enough! That is enough! -(sobbing)
(scoffs)
I am shocked.
BIRDY: I have not a friend in the world.
I have been cruel to Perkin.
Morwenna has betrayed me.
Uncle George, who brought gaiety and wonder into my life,
loves Aelis, who is a weasel.
And now my time is here.
I ripen like a peach for plucking.
Birdy.
-AISLINN: Unrecognizable. -(door closes)
BIRDY: I feel as though no part of me is my own.
Your father told me to scrub every nook and cranny of you
-before the guests arrive. -(sighs)
BIRDY: Would I choose to die rather than be forced to marry?
I do not think either option appealing or fair.
-Where is the girl? -(distant door creaks shut)
I think she's just making herself...
-uh, beautiful for you. -Bathing her teeth.
JOHN (chuckles): Yes, thank you.
(laughing)
JOHN: Wow. I like this.
-Entertainment. -ROLLO: Yes.
-For me? Ah, bravo! -Yes.
(babbling)
Very nice.
-(clears throat) -Now, where is the girl?
-ROLLO: Yes, where is... where is she? -AISLINN: Where is the girl?
That is the girl.
-(smack) -(grunts)
(smack)
Now, may I ask something of you?
Anything, Lady Catherine.
Will you prove your love to me by wearing my birds upon your face?
To wear them? Like...
This is Juniper.
-(smack) -(gasps)
-This is Breadberry. -(gasps)
-(smack) -(gasps)
-This is Sir Neal. -(smack)
-Lard Turd. -(gasps)
-(smack) -(gasps)
-(cooing) -ROLF: This one on my head is okay?
-Mm-hmm. -(gasps)
Hello. (laughs)
-Oh, he's very close to my face. -(cooing)
BIRDY: If I still had Aelis to speak to,
I might be less lonely in my beatings.
-(smack) -(gasps)
-But she has George. -(smack)
And I have smarting palms.
Might you share some of your passions?
Hobbies.
Your soul's deepest inclination.
I listen to God when he speaks to me.
-A pious girl. -(chuckles): Mm-hmm.
Usually, he tells me to form an army-- 5,000 women strong--
and to go around and gut all men and leave their entrails as offerings.
Double devil.
Snail's guts.
Fanny in a hat.
Ugh!
No curse is good enough for these vile suitors.
Or my viler father.
Farting drumsticks!
Ugh!
Our beautiful daughter is...
is going to sing for you.
It's her own composition.
She wrote it herself.
♪ There's a dragon in the privy ♪
♪ He looks at me with pity ♪
♪ And tells me that he wants to eat my ♪
-♪ Eyebrows ♪ -ROLLO: No, don't touch.
♪ He is such a high-brow... ♪
ROLLO: Yes. All right, all right, all right.
(hinges creaking)
-(lock clicking) -BIRDY: You can't.
I can.
-(banging at door) -No, you can't!
(grunts)
(pants, shouts)
(grunts, groans)
(screaming)
(cork pops)
(sniffs)
-(door opens) -MEG: Birdy. -(gags)
-Birdy. (shushing) -BIRDY: Meg! Meg.
I stole the keys off of sleeping Ferth the gateman.
Here, the heel of the bread and some butter.
Meg, I knew it. You've always been a rebel.
-(Meg laughs) -And a true friend.
-(chuckling): Oh, milady. -Not "milady."
Never "milady."
Oh. All right, milady.
Oh. (laughs, snorts)
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Birdy.
Just Birdy.
-(birds squawking) -(children's playful chatter)
♪ ♪
(laughter, lively chatter)
BIRDY: When I was young, Father had a golden Jesus that pissed wine.
Now we just cut the brown parts from the carrots.
-AISLINN: Wait, this... -ROLLO: East. East.
-AISLINN: East? -ROLLO: East.
Ea... Your east or my east?
-Your-your west, your east. -(dog grumbles)
-Uh, just northeast. -What are you looking for?
I want it to feel like heaven is-is...
is-is coming in through the windows and hitting the lights.
Fear not, for I bring you great news.
To you, a Savior is born.
A child?
It cannot be,
for I am just a simple young virgin.
(laughter)
Why is that so funny?
If she's a virgin, I'm a princess.
-I have had nary a man. -(scattered laughter)
There's no room in the inn.
What a crap inn.
MARY: We can shelter in this barn
with our baby.
-(bleating) -AUDIENCE: Aw.
(laughter)
ALL: We have come to pay him homage with gifts from the Orient.
BIRDY: My eyes prick and water.
Perhaps I'm allergic to cheer.
After all, a diary is no substitute for a friend.
♪ For to give to my child ♪
♪ For the cherries for Joseph and Mary be ♪
♪ Eat those cherries, Mary, those cherries right now ♪
(whispers): I'm sorry.
♪ Eat those cherries, Mary ♪
-Perkin, I'm sorry! -♪ That grow on the bough. ♪
-(laughter) -(bleating)
(audience gasping)
(applause)
Me best line was coming.
♪ ♪
(birds chirping)
Keep it very fine, ladies.
Very fine.
Will you be angry with me forever?
-Perhaps I shall be, Aelis. -CORNETHIA: Ladies!
We learn best when we close our mouths and open our ears.
But I have done nothing wrong.
Except for stealing the man I loved with all my heart.
Behind my back, no less.
To me, you are a deceitful coward.
(sobbing)
Oh, shh!
(continues sobbing)
Aelis, I disavow my terrible mouth.
She's a beast, my mouth, and she acted without my consent.
Bad Birdy! Bad, bad.
-Birdy! Birdy! -Bad Birdy! Bad! Ow.
Psst.
I am to be married.
To George?
No.
(whispers): Good.
To a boy of only nine.
George has decided to marry some torrid old widow named Ethelfritha.
(crying): And now you won't even be my friend.
(sobbing)
BIRDY: For the first time in my life, I am choking on my words.
My heart has been shaved and boiled like a parsnip.
George is to be married. George is to be married.
I don't suppose you're taking any new joiners at the convent?
No.
Pity.
1291 is upon us, and I have seen the consequences of my horrid temperament.
Friendlessness, boredom, purgatory.
So I embrace a new resolve.
I will try my best to be a lady,
to act and speak as beautifully as my mother does,
to make my parents and God divinely happy.
I am a woman now,
so I will dress myself.
(sighs)
-It's back to front. -It's not!
Look.
(birds chirping)
Disobedience has gotten me nowhere.
What in the gods' name was that?
BIRDY: And who can fight an inevitable fate, anyhow?
-(birds chirping) -Oh, listen to the birds, birds.
I resisted marriage and was dealt only pain.
If I embrace it, mayhap there is even...
Feel the breeze.
...pleasure?
Caressing your nostrils.
Lady Catherine, do you enjoy riding?
I do, my lord, really enjoy riding.
Well, perhaps you and my son might ride together
-whilst we are here. -ROLLO: Oh, yes.
Will your horses get along?
I-I believe so.
My... my horse has a lovely and even temperament.
(whispers): Do you not hate having to dress up for these meetings?
Lord, yes. I really do.
This dress is so tight, it's hard to breathe.
Is yours tight?
-No, this one's not so bad. -(clinking)
Uh, it's, uh, fortunate that you're here this evening, um, Fulks,
um, because we have, um, some rather joyous news
that, uh, we're going to, uh, have a baby.
-What? This is tremendous. -Yes. (chuckles)
I-I love babies!
What did you say, Father?
Aren't you excited, Catherine?
The midwife has said it may bleed her out this time.
Not now, Birdy.
This isn't the time, really, is it, Birdy?
Are you trying to kill her?
-Do you really want to prove yourself a man that much? -(shushes).
It is going to die.
-They all die! -You-you didn't die.
-I didn't die, but the rest do! -AISLINN: Catherine!
-ROLLO: Catherine, come... -They all die!
♪ ♪
-I do think she's come down with something. -Shaking.
She's got a little, little, um... little, little, little bit of...
I think there's a little bit of pox going around in the village.
-Oh, no, not pox. -Pox? Pox?
-(Aislinn sighs) -No, I mean, it's not around the village.
-Uh, we best depart. -No, you don't need to go.
-It's not a big pox. -It's a small pox.
-It-it's actually... it's a tiny pox. -Not smallpox.
-It's not the smallpox. -It's only a small little... pox.
♪ ♪
Hello.
I despise you.
I thought we got on rather well.
FULK THE ELDER: Let me pass my meal in peace!
(Fulk the Elder groans)
(Fulk the Elder grunting)
BIRDY: My new leaf was short-lived.
(Fulk the Elder screaming)
But my rebellion will be forever.
What are you trying to do, baptize it?
-Drown it! Drown it! -WOMAN: I'll get another.
(frantic chatter)
-No, Fulks! Fulks! -(horse neighing)
-Fulk, come ba... Fulk! -(galloping hoofbeats)
Fulks!
Why is that bucket so small?!
Do you not understand the danger that you placed us in?
Catherine!
For once, you might attempt to set a good example
to our tenants and to our villagers, to show them what a...
what a... what a lady might be instead of subjecting us to all the...
shame!
Humiliation!
But I am not a lady, sir, thus cannot mimic one.
Sit down. Sit down!
When I was a year younger than you, I inherited a town in shambles.
My father had gambled away every brick, every pane of glass,
every sack of grain, everything,
so I had to use every ounce
of my cunning and my strength
to bring this town back to prosperity.
Your cunning and your strength?
Among other qualities, yes.
Is that why I saw Grandfather's tapestries going to auction?
Mother's wedding cups being packed up and shipped away
because of your cunning and your strength?
(quietly): I'm your father.
And if I say that you shall be married...
...then married you shall be.
♪ ♪
(door opens and closes)
BIRDY: George weds today.
Some marry for love, some marry for money, some for duty,
and some-- like George-- seem not to know why they marry.
FATHER HUY: Does anyone present know of any reason
why this man and woman should not be joined in holy matrimony?
(Rollo coughing, gagging)
Since there are no objections, do you take this man to be your husband?
(chuckles)
I will.
(sniffles)
And will you take this woman to be your wife?
I... will.
(whispers): I will.
In nomine Patris...
GEORGE: In nomine Patris...
-FATHER HUY: Et Filii... -GEORGE: Et Filii...
FATHER HUY: Et Spiritus Sancti.
Will you tell your daughter no crying?
-No, she can cry if she wants to. -Sidebottoms do not cry.
-That is enough. -She'll get used to it.
And she's got a fine young man there
who is going to grow up into a fine, uh, specimen.
She has a nine-year-old boy.
FATHER HUY: Amen.
That's it. Push it, push it, push it, push it, push it, push it.
-I'm pushing. -That's it, that's it. Thank you.
(vocalizes excitedly, laughs)
(applause)
Does your uncle not look dashing, Birdy?
(squishing footstep)
Corpus bones.
Must my world always be peppered with shit?
A mouth to shame a pirate.
I'm endeavoring to find the best curse of them all.
Is it "corpus bones," or is it "God's thumbs"?
Or is it a simple "Satan and all his minions"?
I personally go in for "death by frying pan."
(both laugh)
You're selling mittens.
It grows colder and colder, so I travel
from town to town searching for those whose fingers shiver.
I have not a coin to my name, sir.
I am but a servant.
A servant in a fancy dress, though.
And if you do not have the funds, then a kiss will do.
A ki...
Death by frying pan.
(laughs)
I cannot kiss you.
For I have never kissed anyone in my life.
And I would get beat by a rod.
Then can I kiss you and take all the blame?
BIRDY: That was it? That was what made George and Aelis go so mad?
Well, he looks rather pleased with himself.
-Here you go. -Thank you.
Good evening.
Good evening, mitten man.
(chuckles)
♪ ♪
So weird.
(lively music playing)
(grunting, panting)
(whooping)
Yes!
BIRDY: Might I really count that as my first kiss?
I suppose I would like to,
especially if it's the only one I'll ever choose to have myself.
I paid for these festivities myself, you know.
That's the one thing husbands are good for.
Well, dead ones anyway.
It's very convenient when they die wealthier than when you wed them,
although still rather sad.
This is the first party we've had in months.
Oh, dear.
We have no money left, unlike you.
And there's so much food here tonight that I've lost my appetite.
Maybe love makes me ill.
Who said anything about love?
Do I believe your Uncle George loves me?
No, I do not.
But he will protect me as only a husband can protect a wife.
And I inherited his title, and, um...
I hear he's rather good with a sword.
And he, in turn, gets to have some land he can call his own.
See? The perfect trade.
Plus, he is rather gorgeous.
Do you not want to...
love someone properly?
I have other fish to fry.
You are so lucky, little bird.
Look.
You have wings.
You must learn how to harness them,
not flap them all about and crash to the floor.
Will you excuse me for a minute,
Aunt Ethelfritha?
(chuckles) Of course, little beautiful Bird.
Don't fly the coop.
Try the tart. It's spinach.
-What are you trying to do? You know... -Just have a nibble.
You know very well I've got an ulcer the size of a pig's ass.
-It's soft. It's pastry. -Are you trying to kill me?
Just stop it.
(laughter, applause)
I wish you the same things you wish for yourself.
What?
(laughs)
I wish you happiness, Aelis.
And I'm so sorry that I ever said otherwise.
Ever since we quarreled, I've done nothing but miss you.
And there is so much to tell.
In fact, I have only two words.
(whispers): Mitten man.
Aelis!
Hey, would you like to see my doll?
He has a turnip for a head.
-And who are you? -Why, I'm her husband, of course.
-Of course. Of course. -LORD SIDEBOTTOM: A fine...
fine, handsome husband he is, too, huh?
(laughing)
(lively chatter continues in distance)
Quiet! Quiet!
-Silence! Silence! -(clanging)
(chatter quiets)
-(grunts) -(passes gas)
(all groaning)
Another one of them will blow this shithole down.
(grunts)
You muck-spouting fopdoodles!
(laughs, grunts)
I'm the seventh-richest man in Yorkshire.
(indistinct chatter, laughter)
And I want to fornicate.
-(yells) Come here, you little scrubber. -Ew!
BIRDY: Adults call me insolent,
but have they ever met their own drunken friends? Blech.
-(cheering) -(clanging)
Come on, come on. Upsy.
There you go.
Do you not love a wedding with every beat of your heart?
No, I do not.
But it is strange that I should like the woman who is taking George from us.
Life can be quite a shock, Bird.
MORWENNA: Goodbye, Georgie.
-(indistinct shouting) -Bye, George!
(cheering, laughter)
BIRDY: That vomit was yet another shock.
ROLLO: Did you have a nice morning, Birdy?
BIRDY: Perplexingly pleasant.
I like your, uh...
your hair... hair snakes.
(grunts)
BIRDY: Why does the shaggy-bearded cretin remain?
Uh, Lord Murgaw, did you know that Catherine here spins
some of the finest yarn in Stonebridge?
I don't care too much about fabric.
I'd dance in the nude if it were not a sin.
I bloody would.
(laughter)
So, what do you like to... what do you like to do? Do you like to, um...
What's the thing that-that men do
when they run after the... with the animal with the...
-With the arrow? Um, hunting. -AISLINN: Fishing. Fishing, fishing.
-No, no, I know hunting. -Jousting.
-Uh... it's something that men do. -AISLINN: Chasing?
-BIRDY: Jousting. -Climbing trees.
-All right, Robert. No. -BIRDY: Climb a tree, then piss in it.
So, what-what is it you like to do?
I collect rare lizard skins.
And I do puzzles.
One piece a night, everything in moderation.
Except for the carnal.
(quietly): Oh, my God.
(grunts)
-(laughs) What's "carnal"? -(Murgaw moans)
It's just a... it's just a funny word.
Something you should talk about to Mother. She might know.
-BIRDY: Really? -ROBERT: Yeah.
(knocking)
ROLLO: Enter.
(door opens)
(door closes)
Yes, Father?
My sweetest girl.
My own raven-haired lass.
My beloved daughter.
"Beloved daughter."
I'm not sure of who you speak, sir.
(chuckles)
My lady of Lithgow, your bridegroom awaits you,
and none of your tricks will profit you now.
The charade is over, and you will move forward and out.
The guest?
Th-The...
the-the man they call Shaggy Beard is my betrothed?
Catherine, be respectful. His name is Lord John Murgaw VIII.
And he is the last and blessedly most wealthy suitor.
Is that clear?
♪ ♪
BIRDY: He is not a man.
He is a cave-dwelling troll.
A murderer does not deserve such a punishment.
It cannot... It... it will not be.
Luckily, I am most experienced at outwitting suitors.
ROLLO: Uh...
Catherine can be prone to unusual bouts of silence sometimes, can't she, darling?
Well, she speaks when she wishes
and is a great deal of fun most of the time.
MURGAW: Lady Aislinn, may I say,
I can only imagine how delightful you must have been
when your husband first procured you.
You're bold, y-you're playful,
but you have a strong sense of duty.
Exactly my sort of woman. (chuckles)
The only women I can't abide by are criers.
Can't bear them. They do me naughty.
-Oh, here we go. -ROLLO: Oh, wonderful.
BIRDY: Oh, criers. Hmm, I'm an expert crier,
since the day I was born.
No.
No, Father, you can't have killed Jiminy.
You can't have killed Jiminy!
-Oh, Birdy. -Catherine.
(sobbing): Jiminy was the only friend that I ever had!
ROLLO: Oh, Birdy.
(wailing): Jiminy!
ROBERT: Who in God's name is Jiminy?
Lady Catherine, am I to believe that pig was a friend of yours.
(Birdy growls)
(growling, snorting)
Spicy.
(laughs, snorts)
-Oh, my God. -Please, Rollo, make it stop.
-I can't control it. -(Murgaw snorting)
(laughs)
-Go on, let's eat the bugger. -(Birdy shrieks)
(yells, laughs)
I like her.
(both snort)
(flies buzzing)
Get off.
(sighs) Ooh.
♪ ♪
-♪ Horse in the manor, we can't have that ♪ -(grunting)
♪ Horse in the manor ♪
-♪ We can't have that. ♪ -(knocking)
Who goes there?
'Tis I, Lady Catherine.
Ah. 'Tis your sweet wench, sir.
How dare you call my future wife a wench, you scobberlotcher!
Sorry. I was just s-saying low-quality things.
I was not expecting to reveal me skivvies to you
before our wedding day, Lady Catherine.
Well, why dabble in formality, my lord, when we soon know
that what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours?
Indeed it is, and indeed it will be.
Indeed it is, and indeed...
There's too many bloody voices in this room!
Yes, mine being the problem.
I heard that your joints ache, so I took it upon myself
to prepare you a traditional Stonebridge poultice.
It is, uh, rather lovely and highly medicinal.
You simply smother it over your elbows, knees, ankles,
and let it soak into your bones.
You are even more considerate than you are beautiful, young lady.
Considerate and beautiful, and she curtsies.
Whole package. Thank you. (chuckles)
Good day, my lords.
-Good day, milady. -Bye.
BIRDY: Ah, my finest work yet.
I can taste the freedom.
Poetry, that is something, isn't it?
(laughter, playful chatter)
BIRDY: Perkin truly is my heart's brother.
And so we managed to resolve our troubles
with a good old-fashioned arm wrestle, which I won fair and square.
-You can do it. You can do it. Go on. -Go on.
-(laughter) -Go on.
-Meg? -Yes, Birdy?
(laughter, playful chatter)
What really is a virgin?
A virgin?
Well, um, you know how a man has a sword down there?
Well, women have a box.
And, um, when you don't want to be a virgin anymore,
you ask the man if he can put his sword in your box.
Um, and it goes in and out and in and out.
And it makes a kind of smoosh sound, and then it's done, really.
I thought a virgin was where God made you pregnant.
Oh, no, that was only that one virgin.
BIRDY: That is what a virgin is.
I had no idea what I was asking.
MURGAW: Lady Catherine?
Lady Catherine, might I join you?
You're the reason I stink of shit.
If the shoe fits.
You thought you could outsmart me with tomfoolery,
but what you didn't bargain for is that I...
like the chase.
Tomorrow, I shall be giving your father the marriage purse,
a large sum of gold for him,
but this is for you.
Take it.
And when you spend that first piece of silver on something pretty,
just remember that it is you
finally saying yes to me.
(grunts)
BIRDY: He will not be able to marry me,
for I will not spend the coins, just angrily hoard them.
-ROLLO: Birdy, come back here. -ROBERT: Come back here.
ROLLO: Birdy, come back.
-Stop it, Birdy! Listen to me! -Go on and whip me!
-That's what you want, isn't it? -Put your hands down.
The lord has officially proposed, and you must pack your bags.
-You must pack your bags at once. -ROBERT: You need to leave here.
-No. No! No! -Yes! Birdy, yes!
-Yes, yes. -You can't make me go.
-Listen to me, Birdy. -You can't make me go.
-I'm tired. I am tired. -He's tired.
-You've got to do what I tell you. -You need to stop...
-I want to meet the baby. -The baby does not come for months yet.
You have to let me meet the baby.
Please, Father, just let me meet the baby.
-(Rollo sighs) -I have to.
Fine.
You can meet the baby, but the moment...
-The moment... -Robert, shut up!
The moment the baby is here,
then you are not.
Perkin!
Perkin. Perkin!
Why are you wailing so?
Perkin, we must be married.
(chuckles) You'd make a sorry bride in this state, Birdy.
All we have to do is get married tomorrow in the village.
And only Morwenna and Meg and the pigs have to be there,
and-and I will be Lady Perkin,
-and the goats will be our children. -Birdy.
I do not want to marry you.
(goats bleating)
BIRDY: You have to marry me.
My life hangs in the balance, and you refuse me.
And what of my life? My plans?
Do you ever ask what I dream of when I lay my head down at night?
No.
If I was of fair face like Aelis, you'd marry me.
It's not about being fair-faced.
-What is it about, then? -I don't know.
I just don't want to marry you.
Or Aelis or Meg or Morwenna
or any other woman God has or shall put on this Earth.
Would you rather marry a man instead?
Perkin.
We must run.
We must run far away and never come back.
(chuckling): That is always your answer to everything, Birdy.
Do you not see?
You would like to ride into the Crusades,
but you are a lady.
I would like to be a great scholar,
yet I cannot even read.
We do not get to choose what we do.
Life does not care about us.
We are given our stations until death.
(takes deep breath)
♪ ♪
Through the buckle...
...till the pin...
Holds the belt-end
safely in.
Hat on head...
for rain or sun;
Buttons-- do up every one.
♪ ♪
(thunder rumbling)
(chuckling)
-She kicks like a pony. -She?
I might like a sister.
Edward and Robert have each other.
(sighing): I'm quite alone.
Well, I should like that, too,
but would she be as perfect as my firstborn daughter?
You are as naughty as God had hoped you might be.
(chuckles)
(thunder rumbling)
(Aislinn grunts, inhales deeply)
BIRDY: Why does this bit on your neck bulge like a rope?
That's what happens when you touch fire, Bird.
You touched fire, Mum?
Birdy, fire touched me.
That's why I tell you to obey.
I was once willful, too,
and my father showed me how he felt about that with the iron.
So when you try to bend the ways of the world,
I cheer for you, Birdy, but I fear for you.
To see you hurt, I could not sustain that.
I would rather see you settled than seared.
There are worse fathers than yours.
But what of husbands, Mother?
The man I'm meant to marry.
Well...
I believe that he will protect you
and that he will see the goodness in your eyes
and that will bring out the goodness in his.
I have to believe that.
-(knocking) -Enter.
Mama, I require your... your counsel.
But I will wait until your bed is free of fleas.
(scoffs) Children, please, let us leave behind our childhood teasing
and act as a family whilst we still can.
Does my heart a great deal of good.
Yes, Robert.
I, uh, have word from Gloucestershire.
-Gloucestershire? -Aelis.
ROBERT: Indeed.
"The child husband is dead."
Dead?
ROBERT: "Fever. Oh, Little Bird,
everyone cries, but I cry with joy, for I am coming home."
The message was mine! Pass it.
Life can be very cruel, my loves.
She said they buried his turnip-head doll beside him.
(snickers) Birdy.
Mother, um, do you...
You know, c-could I...
You did well to not lose hope that you might find your own love, my chick-a-loo.
What is going on here?
I do not like to be on the wrong end of secrets, Mother.
Birdy, your brother has long harbored hopes
that he might propose to Aelis.
-Aelis? -Aelis.
Aelis, yeah.
That Robert?
Mm-hmm.
-My Aelis? -AISLINN: Mm.
ROBERT: No, no, no, no.
Sh-She's not just your Aelis.
She's my Aelis, too. She's everyone's Aelis.
I mean, she's... she-she's like Jesus.
You know, she's like springtime.
Really like Jesus, 'cause sh... 'cause she-she would sacrifice anything.
She's got really long hair, and she's-she's really clean.
And I... I mean, I would be so happy if-if,
you know, when I ask her to marry me and stuff, if she... if she said yes.
(sighs) And I-I would consider myself a man
completely reformed, different, reborn...
...and I would be very, very happy.
She's nothing like you.
BIRDY: Well, I guess I don't know everything.
I think by sneaking, spying and ensorcelling,
I can avoid surprises, but they come anyway.
Sometimes in the form of unexpected love.
DRIVER: Ah, you're a beautiful horse, Belvedere. You are.
BIRDY: It is a good day, for I head to Aelis's
and we can rejoice in the news that we are now and finally sisters.
I bring a "welcome to the family" gift of preserves from the kitchen
and a comb for her beautiful hair.
I once caught Morwenna staring at this driver
while he washed blood from a boil on his thigh.
She calls him Golden Tiger when she speaks of him in secret.
Imagine life with a peasant.
So simple, so passionate, so...
toothless.
♪ ♪
-(horse neighing) -Birdy!
-Whoa. -Aelis!
Thank you.
Aelis!
Why are you all standing in the road like cattle?
-Whatever's the emergency? -(Aelis sobbing)
Aelis, what's the matter? It's a happy day.
You're going to be married. We are to be sisters.
-Why are you crying? -LORD SIDEBOTTOM: Young Catherine,
please tell your drunk of a father that his offer is offensive.
Oh, she is not one of your... your hunting dogs.
The ones that you pay for in gold bricks. She...
she is a girl, just as I once was.
Shut up, shut up, Berenice!
I grow so tired of your voice.
Well, I grew weary of yours.
AELIS: Please! Can we please stop shouting, please?
There do seem to be a lot of raised voices.
I always say, "Talk like butter, not knives."
And whomst are you?
My daughter is a virgin,
confirmed by exam,
and can command more than twice
the pitiful marriage purse your father proposes. Hmm.
They pay more for virgins?
Aelis, they pay more for vir...
(Aelis sobbing)
You men are not God. You don't...
You don't get to decide who we are, where we go
or how much we cost like we're just things.
We're not things! We're people!
And we can think and we can hear and we can feel!
And you just broke my best friend's heart-- your daughter--
because of your greed.
Insolent.
Whelp.
What difference does that make?
A young girl's master merely changes from father to husband.
-Can we move? -Where to?
Rutherford.
BIRDY: I'm sorry, Aelis.
I want to save you. More than anything, I do.
-LADY SIDEBOTTOM: You fly, Birdy. -Birdy! Birdy!
LORD SIDEBOTTOM: Do you see?
You, get inside. Get inside and straight to your room.
BIRDY: I am all out of tricks, it seems.
Well, all but one.
Birdy?
BIRDY: I have convinced Golden Tiger to give me his clothes
so that I can run to the only place I think they might see me
as more than a shiny gold coin.
MAN: Hey! Nice dress.
-MAN 2: Give us a twirl! -(laughter) -GOLDEN TIGER: No.
♪ ♪
BIRDY: Uncle George is a hero,
and mayhap he can tell me how to be one myself.
Not just in fantasies but in real life.
(bell rings)
(door opens)
We've nothing for you, peasant boy.
No, Uncle George, it is I, Catherine.
No, no, no, no, no, you've got to peel it first.
-Just like this? -Yes.
Now smell. (sniffs)
BIRDY and ETHELFRITHA: Mmm.
(chuckling): Oh.
-It's delicious. -Mmm!
It is delicious.
I tasted my first orange upon my father's return from the Moorish country.
Well, I should definitely like to go to the Moorish country.
You'd like to go anywhere your father isn't.
We have a baby due any day.
I am to marry Shaggy Beard.
Of Lithgow?
It is he.
Oh, Birdy...
I knew it would be someone of note, but I did not think that sort of note.
Lord Murgaw keeps a fine house, you know.
He'll keep you well.
He owns three small towns
and a leper colony.
Oh, perhaps you can keep an arboretum.
George himself keeps a garden of plants beloved by Christ.
GEORGE: It's barely a garden, my love.
It's a place to smoke my pipe in peace.
Thus far, only the crows, I think, are impressed with my green fingers.
Oh, the crows adore George.
My love, I must retire.
I've only just arrived.
GEORGE: I tire easily these days, Bird.
My back stoops, and my stomach bloats.
In the morning, I'll deliver you back to Stonebridge.
Uncle George?
Will you tuck me in?
GEORGE: All right. You blow out the candle.
No, I want you to tell me a story.
-Please. -(sighs)
I don't think I know any stories.
You've traveled the world.
You've seen the ocean. You must know stories.
Ah, but I did not keep a little book like you do, Bird.
So all the stories have slipped through my fingers like snow
when I try to take them home.
Uncle George?
Hmm?
If you're a hero, then why did you not try and save me?
Save you?
From Shaggy Beard.
From my future.
But, you see, Bird...
I'm not a hero.
Can you forgive me...
my sweet girl?
Heroes are only in storybooks.
Even the saints only escape by dying.
That doesn't sound like much fun, either, does it?
Mm. Maybe.
(chuckles softly)
Do you love Ethelfritha?
(chuckles softly)
As best I know how.
Do you love... me?
Desperately.
(both chuckle softly)
♪ Fade into you ♪
Good night.
♪ Strange you never knew ♪
♪ Fade into you... ♪
(birds chirping)
(door opens)
Birdy. Birdy, Birdy, Birdy, Birdy.
Wake up, wake up, wake up.
We must go and feed the owls.
-The owls? -(laughing): Yes.
-We've got owls! -You-you've got...
-We have to hurry. -(both laughing)
-BIRDY: You have owls? -ETHELFRITHA: Yes.
(Ethelfritha gasps)
(owl screeches)
BIRDY: Whoa.
I keep birds.
But mine are very small. They're not big like this.
These are more than birds. They're...
-They're creatures. -They're beautiful.
ETHELFRITHA: Yes.
I am a creature, too, you know.
-(owl screeches) -Are you a creature?
-Yes. -(Birdy chuckles)
Shaggy Beard, hmm?
It is not fair.
You're right, Birdy.
It is not fair.
You should not have to marry him.
-No, I should not. -Or be a lady.
I hate being a lady.
Perhaps... we could run away.
We?
Yes.
I'm rich. You're young.
Together we could have it all.
Let's make our way to Arabia.
Arabia?
Taste the orange straight from the tree.
-Have you ever met a lion? -No.
A sultan?
You could slay a sultan and take his gold!
Yes!
-Yes, I would. -Yes!
-Definitely. -Oh, Birdy!
(both laughing)
Oh, Birdy, Birdy.
What?
(sighs) I would miss Morwenna, my nurse.
You silly girl, you're too big for nurses.
And I'd miss Perkin, my dearest friend.
Friend? Who needs friends when... wh-when you have adventure and...
At least if I was in Lithgow, I could visit home.
-But... -I could check on my mother.
I could sleep in my own bed at Christmas.
If we went on a big adventure, I wouldn't be reunited with Aelis,
and I wouldn't see the baby grow.
-They'd miss me, wouldn't they? -Yes.
They would... they'd miss me, Birdy.
♪ ♪
♪ Fade into you ♪
♪ Strange you never knew ♪
Uncle George, next time a peasant raps on your door,
will you please give them something to eat?
♪ Fade into you. ♪
Bye, Birdy.
Bye, Uncle George.
(horse whinnies)
Birdy.
You pest, you rat!
We were so afraid.
Golden Tiger arrived late last night wearing your cape, crying.
-Morwenna, Morwenna, do not weep. -Oh...
-Do not weep. -Birdy.
(laughing): When you do, you puff up and resemble a roast beef.
Oh! (sobs, sniffles)
My Bird.
It is your mother.
(Aislinn screaming)
MIDWIFE: Push more still, Lady Aislinn!
-Right. Here's the basket. -Gather your strength yet!
-Mama? -(Aislinn screams)
Is she crowning?
Mama, it's your Birdy. I am back.
-Mama, I'm back. -Birdy, come away.
She cannae hear you just now.
Mama, I promise I'll always be the person you want me to... you want me to be.
A crown!
The skull too big to pass.
(Aislinn moans)
-Nothing can be done. -I can do it.
Father, you must baptize. Now! Bless them both.
(yelling)
FATHER HUY: Our Father, who art in heaven...
-AISLINN: Stop it! -...hallowed be thy name.
-Stop it! I can do it! -Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
-(whimpering) -Give us this day our daily bread...
(door bangs open)
(Aislinn groans loudly)
Did I hear you're-you're just giving up?
MIDWIFE: We have tried all there is to try.
The baby's stuck deep within her hips.
No! No! Doubters! Doubters! All of you!
-FATHER HUY: In the name... -Shut up!
-Midwife, you will stay, -(Aislinn groans loudly)
and you will not sleep until our baby is delivered forth safely.
I will not lose another... another child.
Do you hear me? And I will not lose my holy wife.
Do you understand me? Do you understand me?
Yes. (whimpers)
Thank you. We don't need you.
Get out. Get out, and don't come back.
Go get some more boiling water and some more rags.
-And some butter. -My darling.
-(groaning) -My darling, my brave...
beautiful darling, look at me.
-You must look at me. You are so strong. -Rollo, if this...
if this is meant to be, then it's meant to be,
and if it is not, I ask you one thing.
Can you make sure our children find their place in this world?
And not just any place; their place.
Listen to me. Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me.
All that I am is us.
All that I could be, you already are.
You're so strong. You're so wise.
-You're so powerful. -(laughs softly)
You're so grumpy in the mornings.
You're so... you're so close to God
without even having to utter his name.
I want to make you laugh and make you safe.
And I'm not gonna live in a world where our children's children
don't get to make you laugh
when they tumble in the grass in front of us when we're old.
Huh? Can you try?
If you try, then I'll try, too.
Don't stand idle, please.
Get a doctor. Get a doctor.
Get two doctors.
Get three!
Take the rope.
You're so strong.
Got it?
-Yes. -(Aislinn groaning)
(whispers): Come on, darling.
(Aislinn groaning)
(groaning fades)
♪ ♪
AISLINN: Hi, angel.
-Aw. -(baby fussing)
BIRDY: Our baby was born last evening.
A dear, beautiful, scrawny little girl.
In fact, two of them.
My father, for all his bellowing about sons, is floating on air.
Which brings me to the strangest words I have ever said:
"Thank you," to my father.
The most unlikely agent of a miracle that I know.
♪ ♪
We will call them Eleanor and Mary Catherine.
-(baby coos) -Proper yet lovely.
I wish I had more time to teach them tricks.
You like the stars?
Trying to escape?
I've spent my whole life trying to escape.
BIRDY: I feel something changed inside of me.
And just because I cannot be happy
does not mean that I do not wish happiness for others.
Joy is infectious, I am learning.
I want to save Aelis, and I think I know a way,
even if it means sacrifice.
Is it... is it coins?
-BIRDY: Yes, Shaggy Beard's. -Wait, for me?
-Mm-hmm. -ROBERT: Is it...
Is it enough? Is it... is it enough, Father?
Yes, you fool. I counted it.
Wonderful. I'll be able to buy my tiger back.
Yeah, this is enough-- get the tiger back.
-Hold on, um... -ROLLO: Robert, Robert.
-I'm-I'm jesting. -ROBERT: Oh, you're jesting.
A wedding is forthwith.
Apparently.
All right.
Well, this means I'm a husband, does it?
-Well, not yet, but, uh... -No, I am.
-It means I'm a husband, so... -All right.
This is really nice.
It's the first thing you've done for me.
(smacks lips) It's fantastic, Father.
Uh... (exhaling sharply)
BIRDY: This was as much for Aelis as it was for my brother.
Likely more.
-She is safe now. -(door opens)
I may not be safe with her, but I do know
-that she will walk on my grounds... -(door closes)
...sleep in my quarters, watch out for Perkin
and feel something like love.
♪ ♪
We are having a wedding for my Aelis and her Robert.
-(lively music playing) -Yeah!
(whooping, festive chatter)
It may be the last time I ever celebrate, and so I had better enjoy it.
(laughter)
CROWD: Aw.
(whooping)
Come on, Birdy!
-PERKIN: Go, Aelis! -AELIS: Birdy!
(laughs): Ah, there we go.
(laughter)
(chuckling)
Love you, Robert!
(panting)
(whooping, laughter)
(barking)
(laughter distorting, echoing)
("Sweet Dream" by Shuga playing)
♪ You're my sweet dream ♪
♪ I hope you're thinking of me. ♪
(song ends)
BIRDY: One more night in my own bed.
Then Shaggy Beard.
(thunder rumbling)
(rain falling)
-(sobbing softly) -BIRDY: I'll miss you two.
Do not cry. Do not cry.
God's thumbs, I'm going to cry.
(whimpers)
MORWENNA: Goodbye, Birdy.
GROUP: Bye, Birdy.
Love you, Birdy.
Birdy!
(crying)
(baby fussing)
Don't let that smelly old man do what we talked about.
(laughs) No.
Bye.
(light laughter)
(goats bleating)
AISLINN: Sometimes, as the man of the house,
-you have to make very hard decisions. -(sniffles)
(dog whimpering)
(sneezes, groans)
I seem to have come down with me yearly hay fever.
I trust you can prepare a proper poultice for your lordship.
Me health has never been good, Catherine,
but I've always dealt with it by being pure of habit
and maintaining a stolid countenance.
Aye. A regular schedule of cold baths and requiring that the servants
dust under the wardrobes to rid the space of impurities.
-(sneezes) -(banging on carriage) -ROLLO: Stop, stop, stop, stop!
-My lord? -My lord, indeed.
(panting): I have changed my mind.
Excuse me, lord. I've not heard you properly, for me allergies.
I've changed... We've changed my mind.
My mind has been changed. The girl stays with us.
For the time being.
Frankly, sir, I would burn in hell for allowing my daughter
to spend her life with a man as rank
and uniformly uncompelling as yourself.
She would die of boredom, and furthermore,
you resemble a bear who has attempted union with our local locksmith.
It cannot be.
-Out of the carriage, Birdy. -Stay there!
(horse neighs)
Sir, you have spent the dowry that I gave you,
so I do not see what more we have to discuss.
I am walking back up that path with my own daughter on my own arm.
If you want Lady Catherine...
we will duel, sir.
ROLLO: Well, that seems fair. A duel.
A duel-- that's what... that's what we do.
Let me... let me think. Yes.
Right, a duel.
BIRDY: Am I to believe that my father plans to fight this man,
swordplay being a skill he does not possess,
-in order to keep me... -Yep.
...his greatest pest from having to marry?
Robert, get my-my... duel accoutrements.
Right.
-Etienne, me sword. -ETIENNE: Yes, my sweet lord.
We're having a duel, everybody!
-(excited chatter) -Duel!
-So, duel to the... to the death or... -Aye.
-Yep. -And if, by some miracle, you do not die,
I promise you life-changing injuries today, sir.
Thank you.
(excited chatter continues)
CROWD: Duel! Duel! Duel! Duel! Duel!
If this duel is won by I, Lord Rollo of Stonebridge,
-then you will return our lady. -(crowd cheering)
MURGAW: And if it is won by I, Sir Murgaw
of more villages than I can name in one earthly breath,
I shall be leaving with my bride.
(crowd jeering)
-Someone say, "Go." -Go!
-(grunting) -(gasps)
Go on, Father!
(excited chatter)
-(slashing) -ROLLO: Aah!
Father! Father?
(overlapping chatter)
Rollo.
(baby crying)
-(Aislinn whimpers) -Father?
ROLLO: It's all right. It's all right, Robert.
BIRDY: I am too afraid to speak, but if I could,
I would tell you not to lose blood for me.
You have Mama and the babies to look after.
Be careful, Father.
(crowd cheering)
(excited chatter resumes)
-Hit him! Hit him! -Come on, you have him! You have him now!
(cheering)
Oh, me back's gone!
Me back! Me back's gone. Me back's gone.
I have a case of severe spinal weakening.
-It tingles. It tingles, sir. -(laughter)
-Pause. Pause. -ROBERT: No, no, no, no, no.
There is no clause to pause for spinal weakening, lord.
(laughter)
It's called losing, my friend.
It is not a defeat, sir.
I am retired hurt.
We shall be leaving forthwith.
MAN: Don't you dare!
Mama?
Not without giving us back our lady, you're not!
Birdy?
-Give us back our lady! -Give us back Birdy!
(angry shouting)
-Birdy! Birdy! -Give us back Birdy!
-(shouting continues) -MAN: Give us back our lady!
Give us back our lady! Give us back Birdy!
(shouting stops)
(cheering)
Birdy!
Yeah! (snorts)
(laughing)
BIRDY: If I've inherited a bit of my father's heart,
I suppose I shall leave it here in my chest.
(chirping)
♪ ♪
(sighs)
(cooing)
Bye, Juniper.
I will never fully fathom what my father did for me.
(sighs)
What any father should do for any daughter...
Goodbye, Breadberry.
...but rarely does.
Better late than never.
Goodbye, Sir Neal.
Sir Neal.
I wish I could help every girl in the world,
but for now, I am enough.
Goodbye, Lard Turd.
(cooing)
My favorite.
But don't tell Breadberry.
(chuckles)
-(wings fluttering) -(sighs)
(cooing)
(thud)
And I know he has not granted me a pardon,
only a reprieve from the most ungodly beast of marriage,
but my father will find that my gratitude does not mean I have lost my fight.
(sighs)
It is in this field I raged and dreamed and met Aelis in secret
and cried over Uncle George
and over the fate I have been able to trick just a bit.
This is the goat farm where I met Perkin when I was but a babe,
hiding from Morwenna's silly slap.
And here is where the smell of bread is so strong
it makes me want to eat the whole entire world
as if it were a mere loaf.
And someday I will take my little sisters to the tippy-top of the village,
and I will say, "Run, little girls.
Lift your skirts and run for everyone to see."
(laughter in distance)
(quiet chatter)
Golden Tiger...
I've been waiting, hoping,
dreaming of this moment.
PERKIN: Letters make words, words make...
(continues indistinctly)
(laughing)
BIRDY: Someday this journal will belong to my sisters.
The two of you can see what I made of becoming a woman.
It was not much, but it was my own.
For right now, it's up to you to decide, Edward.
Has writing in this diary made me more learned or simply cheekier?
(chuckles)
-(Birdy yelling playfully) -(Perkin laughing)
-Okay, here. -Okay, I'm gonna throw it.
(both laughing)
(panting)
BIRDY: Things girls can do:
-run in the fields... -(exhales sharply)
...invent original curses, save the day,
pee standing up-- well, that one was a bit tricky--
and keep fighting, no matter who may come on horseback.
♪ Billy left his home with a dollar in his pocket ♪
♪ And a head full of dreams ♪
♪ He said "Somehow, someway, it's gotta get better than this" ♪
♪ Patti packed her bags, left a note for her mother ♪
♪ She was just 17 ♪
♪ There were tears in her eyes ♪
♪ When she kissed her little sister goodbye ♪
♪ They held each other tight ♪
♪ As they drove on through the night ♪
♪ They were so excited ♪
♪ We got just one shot at life ♪
♪ Let's take it while we're still not afraid ♪
♪ Because life is so brief ♪
♪ And time is a thief when you're undecided ♪
♪ And like a fistful of sand ♪
♪ It can slip right through your hands ♪
♪ Young hearts, be free tonight ♪
♪ Time is on your side ♪
♪ Young hearts, be free tonight ♪
♪ Time is on your side ♪
♪ Billy wrote a letter back home to Patti's parents ♪
♪ Trying to explain ♪
♪ He said, "We're both real sorry that it had to turn out this way ♪
♪ "But there ain't no point in talking when there's nobody listening ♪
♪ So we just ran away" ♪
♪ Patti gave birth to a ten-pound baby boy ♪
♪ Young hearts, be free tonight ♪
♪ Be free, be free ♪
♪ Time is on your side ♪
♪ Young hearts, be free tonight ♪
♪ Be free, I want to be free tonight ♪
♪ Time is on your side ♪
♪ Time is on my side ♪
-♪ Young hearts, be free tonight ♪ -♪ Young hearts, young hearts ♪
♪ I want to be free, I want to be free tonight ♪
♪ Time is on your side ♪
♪ Time is on your side. ♪
(song ends)
("Sweet Dream" by Shuga playing)
♪ So you want to be on TV ♪
♪ Well, don't forget about me ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to follow the lights ♪
♪ I just want to be ♪
♪ They said we weren't meant together ♪
♪ But you made me feel ♪
♪ You're my sweet dream ♪
♪ I hope you're thinking of me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm dreaming of you ♪
♪ And do you think we're true? ♪
♪ I want to touch you ♪
♪ In all the ways I never do ♪
♪ Am I sweet? I hope I can be ♪
♪ Sweet enough for you ♪
♪ And are you fading away? ♪
♪ Or are you here to stay? ♪
♪ You're my sweet dream ♪
♪ I hope you're thinking of me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm dreaming of you ♪
♪ And do you think we're true? ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, Lulu, I'm dreaming of you ♪
♪ Hey, Lu, I'm bleeding down my face ♪
♪ How did I get to this place? ♪
♪ A guru told me I'd be lonely forever ♪
♪ I was like, "That's all right, I don't mind" ♪
♪ But maybe it's better with you ♪
♪ Better with you ♪
♪ You're my sweet dream ♪
♪ I hope you're thinking of me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm dreaming of you ♪
♪ And do you think we're true? ♪
♪ You're my sweet dream ♪
♪ I hope you're thinking of me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm dreaming of you ♪
♪ And do you think we're true? ♪
(song ends)
Let's party like it's 1299! Yay!