.
- Hey, guys, the folks here at work just taught me
this cool way of opening a bottle of champagne.
It's called sabering. I'm obsessed.
- Oh, snap, that's when you, like,
open it with a sword, right?
- That's right! - Oh, oh.
- Yo, that is long!
Are you sure you're supposed to use that?
- Yeah, that looks like a samurai sword.
- It is. I got it online.
You can saber with anything.
- Can you though? - Yep, watch and learn.
[soft music]
- Oh, okay, that was impressive.
- I thank you.
all: Oh! Oh!
- Saber! all: Saber!
- ♪ Whoop, whoop
♪ Cabernet and sauvignon
♪ Team is here and now it's on ♪
♪ Carry on and Carignan, sippin' on Perignon ♪
♪ Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪
♪ Pull up in the spot like hello ♪
♪ If you got me, then I got you ♪
♪ This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪
♪ Grand crew, grand crew, uh
♪ Grand crew, grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪
♪ Grand crew
- Anthony, who you over there flirting with on text?
I haven't seen you this smiley since you came back from that
Texas Instruments tour.
- Oh, man, that was a good time.
I got to use the very first--
all: TI-83.
- We got it. - What--it was a big deal.
Anyway, I'm not flirting. I'm texting Talia from college.
- Oh, yeah, I remember her. She was cool.
- And cute, didn't you famously blow it with her?
- What? No.
We were just study partners and nothing more.
- Sounds like you blew it.
- Probably about to blow it again right now.
- Everyone chill, okay? We're just texting about work.
She's a headhunter and reached out to LinkedIn
to gauge my interest on moving to a new firm.
- But didn't she learn that you don't make moves?
- Oh!
- Yes! - Et tu, Fay?
- I'm sorry, I just like fitting in.
- All right, laugh it up, but I make moves a plenty.
- So you gonna meet with Talia about the job ops then?
- Absolutely not,
but that's only because I am happily betrothed
to Joseph and Phillips Accounting.
They fulfill all my needs.
- I'm sorry, that made be physically sick.
Look, I love work, but a job is not a marriage.
If anything, it is a sexual encounter
where you give your services,
and in return you receive compensation.
- What you just described is prostitution.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Are we now shaming sex workers?
Every job is a desperate John in a trench coat
trying to pay us less than we deserve.
- I'm with Nicky.
You shouldn't be married to your job.
In fact, anyone that gets married at all is a fool.
Look no further than that bachelorette party
right over there.
- Come on, she seems pretty happy.
- She's a fool.
- Listen, y'all, you can't get everything you need out of life
from just your job.
You got to invest, too,
which is why I just put some money
in this new cryptocurrency called Missile Coin.
- For a second there I thought
you were going to say that money isn't everything.
- What? No way, I love money.
And I gots to have it!
- Anthony, why don't you just hit Talia up.
See what's out there.
I have seen you give so much
to this company and ask for so little in return.
You are a hot commodity.
Why not play the field for once?
- Okay, okay, I'll hit her up about meeting up next week.
- Oh, well. I already texted her.
She'll be here in an hour. Oops.
- What? How?
- Oh, I grabbed your phone, and texted her,
and pretended to be you, oops.
- You can't just say oops
when you do something intentionally bad.
- Tee-hee-hee? - Tee-hee-hee is lateral.
- Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
- That's just deeper. Thank you.
♪
- Sherm, dude, you were right about Missile Coin.
I just invested, and I already made some money.
- Yes, welcome to the launchpad, my guy.
How much did you invest?
- Not too much, just the majority of my savings.
- What?
You shouldn't put all your money into one thing like that.
- Well, I had a feeling,
and when I have a feeling, I go all in.
- This is not love. No feelings should be involved.
Investing properly is about mitigating risk,
especially when you're dealing with something
as volatile as crypto.
- Okay, yes, I do hear you,
but Missile Coin just went up again.
- Okay, I understand that, but what I'm trying to say--
- And again. - All right, I get that.
But what I'm trying to tell you is we need to--
- I just made $3,000! - Ah, [bleep] it!
I'm going all in with you. Let's ride this missile!
- Yeah!
- Ugh, look at those bachelorettes.
They all dance the same.
It doesn't matter what the song is, it's almost too much arms.
- Oh, come on.
Bachelorette parties are a little extra,
but that's the point, it's point of the tradition.
- Most things that exist because of tradition are bad.
- So you just hate all the celebrations.
- No. I get it poppin' on Arbor Day.
I love a big ol' tree.
All I'm saying is that 50% of marriages end in divorce,
which means that 50% of bachelorette parties
are just celebrations of failure.
- Fay. - What, it's true.
That guy she's going to marry is probably going to turn out
to be someone totally different,
because if it happened to me, it can happen to her.
- Really?
♪
- How long has she been standing there?
- Ever since I said Fay.
♪
- Hey, Talia.
- Anthony, hey. - What's up?
Thanks for coming by.
- Yeah. - This is my friend, Nicky.
- Hi, Talia, I've heard so much about your college days.
One question, is it true that Anthony blew it with you?
- Oh, yes, big time. - For real?
- Come on, we were in college.
Did you really think I wanted to study that much?
- I mean, I did. Studying is great.
- Nice to see you haven't changed.
- Talia.
- Noah! - Hey!
- Hello, Talia.
I'm Sherm. Very nice to meet you.
- Actually, we got to head out
because our crypto is on the rise,
and we got some new money to spend.
- That's right, this Missile Coin is
about to blast off, 20, 19, 18, 17...
- Oh, I'm not sitting here for the full 20 count.
Y'all got to go, goodbye.
- All right, see y'all. - Bye.
- Speaking of coin, tell us about that new job opportunity.
- Well, I reached out because the job is perfect for you.
They pay a lot, have a great reputation,
but the hours can be late.
- Late hours.
Hmm, don't tempt me with a good time.
- So should we sit down and talk details?
- Um, yeah, maybe.
Or maybe not, can you just give me one second?
I need to get to the bathroom. I mean, use a drink.
I mean, drink a bathroom. I will be right back.
- Oh, okay. - Drink a bathroom?
♪
What are you doing? That was going great.
- It was going great, but my boss just walked in!
- Ooh, that's not great. Maybe he won't see you.
- Anthony, hi. - Oops.
Maybe he'll give you some space and respect your privacy.
- Coming over. - Yikes.
.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Victor, this is my friend, Nicky.
- Friend and life coach.
What brings you to this particular bar
that we are at during our free time?
- Work, there was a little bit of a mix-up
with the 1040s you sent.
I called you and texted you a few times,
but when you didn't respond, I came here.
- I got to say, just speaking as his life coach,
it seems like a pretty unhealthy work dynamic.
- It's not.
I tell him where I am in case of a work emergency.
- Anthony is never off the clock.
That's why he's my go-to guy. - Still seems unhealthy.
- It's very healthy.
- No, not healthy. - It's healthy.
- Not healthy. - Healthy.
- Hey, is everything okay?
We can always just do another night.
- Talia, this is my boss, Victor.
- Oh, it is so nice to meet you.
- Victor, this is Talia.
She is-- - His girlfriend!
- Well, well, well, you never mentioned a girlfriend to me.
- I'm a pretty private person. - I didn't know that either.
You know, but not knowing you're a private person
makes sense because being private, you wouldn't share it.
Then again, you did just share it.
- Let's not pull at logic. He's a private person.
That is his girlfriend. I am his life coach.
There, we cleared everything up.
- Hey, babe, why don't you just finish up your work thing,
and we can just talk tonight?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, stay. The work thing can wait.
If I knew you were on a date, I never would have come.
Let me buy you all a drink. What can I get you?
- How about some stock options for my boy right here?
- Excuse me?
- Oh, it was just some life coaching humor.
[laughs]
But I'm dead ass. Give him some stocks!
[soft music]
- Uh--
[laughs]
Okay, that was a good one.
- Oh, we'll take some champagne.
Now get out of here, you numbnut!
- Here I go. - What are you doing?
♪
- Damn, she is so upset. I have to fix this.
- For her love or for your tips?
- Why can't it be both?
- I suppose I can help resolve this situation.
It's easy when you believe in true love.
♪
- I'm so happy!
I'm getting married, girls!
- Damn right you are, girl! - Oh, my God!
- That's so great!
- They want to reopen their tab.
And she said, and I quote, "Keep the bottles a-coming."
- That's incredible. How did you do it?
- I pulled from my list of reasons why marriage
is the best decision I ever made.
Reason number 159, there's always someone there
who can simulate that argument
that you wanted to have with that guy
at Men's Warehouse in the khaki shorts that had a weird haircut
because he cut in front of you in line.
- Aww!
- That's so sweet.
- Oh, you're feeling the love now, huh?
- No, but I am feeling these tips.
- Whatever.
I'm just happy that the wedding is still on
and that Denise is no longer having doubts.
- Doubts? Denise was having doubts?
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- I'm Zachary, Denise's fiancé. Denise, you have doubts?
- Oops. - Oh, boy.
♪
- [playing trumpet]
Ladies and gentlemen, Sherman Jones and Noah Coleman.
- That's right, the kings have returned.
- And they're rich.
- More horn, horn man. - Where did you get a horn guy?
- You see, when you're a man of money, you use it,
and you take it, and soon the world
becomes your oyster, and anything is possible.
- He was playing down the block,
and we offered to buy all of his CDs.
- And there is much more where that came from, sir,
because we are riding a missile that will never stop.
- Now, what's the most expensive thing on the menu?
[gibberish]
- That would be the Schramsberg blanc de blanc
from Napa Valley, it costs--
- Ah, we don't need to know the price.
We'll just take two.
- Mm-hmm, and some fresh lobster please and thank you.
- Mm-hmm. - We don't have lobster.
- Fascinating, because I still want some.
Hey, looks like we're in a bit of a bind, Noah.
- But binds don't exist for the rich
because the rich have a thing called Postmates.
Ha-ha, hm-hm.
- Excuse me, drinks on us. - Forever!
[cheers]
♪
- I'm glad to see that you have a life outside of work.
I always assumed that the only relationship
you had was to your job.
- Right, and as Anthony's life coach,
I was just telling him, he needs to branch out.
Actually, I'm the one who set him and Talia up.
- Oh, how nice.
- It is, and Talia is wonderful,
but I'm still committed to Joseph and Phillips.
- Which is great, but your commitment should not get
in the way of exploring things with Talia, right, Talia?
- Oh, yes. I mean, I couldn't agree more.
I could offer incredible benefits, medical, 401[k],
gym membership, and even equity.
♪
In our relationship.
- Anthony, I know you're a private person,
but let me just say
I don't think you're gonna find anyone better than Talia.
- I agree. - Me too.
- Great, everyone agrees.
- Hey, y'all, this has turned into an epic celebration,
and we gots to keep the night going!
Next round is on us.
- Actually, I think we're good.
We were just about to call it a night, so...
- Man, what are you talking about?
We got so much to celebrate, our new wealth
and your new job opportunity--ouch!
- What does he mean by job opportunity?
- Talia is a headhunter.
She's meeting Anthony for a new gig.
That's why she's here. Who is this guy?
- I'm Anthony's boss. - Oh, snap.
I guess all this money got me missing social cues.
♪
.
- I know what this looks like,
but I swear it wasn't anything serious.
- I want to believe you, I really do,
but you've been lying to me all night.
I mean, are you even actually a private person?
- I know we started this drama,
but it's not really our vibe tonight.
- Yeah, we're going to bounce to a better part of the bar.
- And I wish I could stay to sort this out,
but I actually would rather be somewhere else, too,
so I'm just gonna...
excuse me.
- What does she have that we don't?
How can I make this right?
- How about $10 million! - What?
- Oh, I was just spitballing, you know, off the dome.
- Victor, can you excuse us for a second?
- Nice move, icing him out so he gets nervous
and offers you a new deal.
- I'm not icing him out.
- Well, I was feeling a little bit of ice.
- The only ice you're feeling is the ice between you and me.
- No, that can't be it.
- First you bring Talia here,
and now you're giving my boss a hard time?
You're going way too far.
- No, I'm just trying to help. I see how hard you work.
It is time you get what you deserve.
- Maybe, but I've been with him since college.
And I like my job. I don't want to overstep.
- You're not. It's business.
Trust me, I negotiate deals for a living.
- Okay, I know what's going on here.
I'm being iced.
- Iced? No, no, there's no ice.
- Well, I am feeling some ice, and it's working.
Anthony, I don't want to lose you.
Let's negotiate a new deal.
- Really? - I told you.
Now, go take a seat, Victor!
- I'm sorry? - I said take a seat!
Give us a damn minute.
- What the hell was that? - The start of the negotiation.
♪
- Wow, you're really going hard.
- This is some good lobster.
- It is, but it's not expensive enough.
What if we dipped it-- - Dude, dude.
We have a problem.
The missile stopped, and it dropped.
We're losing money fast.
- Noah, that's all a part of the game.
You got to ride the highs and the lows.
It's what all the crypto pros do.
- Are you sure?
- When you fall for a girl,
and things don't work out, do you just move on?
- No, I'm still dwelling on my first grade girlfriend.
I thought she was my soul mate, and then she died.
- Damn, I did not expect that story to end like that.
But take that very sad ending though,
and put it towards crypto.
- Okay, okay, yeah, dope. Oh, it's up again!
- See? You just got to ride the wave.
both: Ride the wave. Ride the wave.
- And what a wave it was.
We rode it to heights we never thought possible.
And when the wave crashed, it crashed as low
as we never thought possible,
but the tide always turns, so the waves kept coming
and lifting us right back up, and down, and up,
and down, and up, and down, and up, and down,
but that was the final wave.
And that's how we became
the richest men this side of the bar.
- Missile just crashed again.
- No! Fay, I need to return this.
- Close the tab. Fay, close the damn tab!
- Give me that damn drink right now!
♪
- We've been making him sit there for a while.
Is he iced enough yet?
- Oh, he's not icing anymore. We're in the thawing process.
We're warming him up the idea
of giving you everything you want.
- It seems like you're just
making up these metaphors as you go.
- Okay, I'm done thawing over here.
I am warmed up plenty.
- Damn, I stand corrected. - All right.
Next thing I want you to do
is write down the salary you want on this napkin.
- Okay.
♪
- Hmm.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that for?
- For fun, now I want you to double that number.
- What? That's insane!
- That's all negotiating is, insanity and confidence.
I want you to bring him that insane number,
and when he counters, rip it up just like I did,
and don't stop ripping napkins
until he says it's his final offer.
- This is all so stressful.
What do I even say as I rip up these offers in front of him?
♪
- You'll find it in the moment.
[tense music]
♪
- Rip.
- Wow, he went with "rip."
♪
- Rip.
♪
Rip!
♪
Rip!
- About me, doubt? - Oh--
- Figured you'd be happier to see them fight,
considering they're proving you point about marriage,
or are you still upset about the tips?
- No, I'm not heartless.
Plus, I made enough tips from Sherm and Noah
before things fell apart.
I'm richer than them now.
- So then what's up?
- If I'm being honest,
I was hating on bachelorette parties
because I was just jealous.
I never had one myself.
My ex and I, we got married so quick
we never got to do any of the fun traditions,
and nobody's throwing parties for someone getting a divorce.
- Oh, I had no idea. That does suck.
I never thought about it before,
but you should still be celebrated
even though you have no one to love or love you in return.
- Wyatt. - Sorry, that came out wrong.
I'm just saying, there's nothing wrong
with being divorced.
You are your own better half,
and you definitely deserve a party more than those two.
- We just heard that.
- How did neither of us see you?
- Except this time we liked what we heard.
We want to celebrate you.
- Huh? - What?
- We clearly had issues of our own to resolve,
and we never would have handled it had it not been for you.
- So what do you say? Shall we celebrate?
- I'm getting married, girls!
[cheers]
- And I'm single, girls!
[cheers]
- We got his final offer. Check it out.
- Wow, now that's what I am talking about!
- You were right.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you. You really came through for me.
- Thank you. Rip!
- What the hell?
- You were right, it's fun to say rip.
Now you quit your job.
- You can't be serious.
- Listen, you're not going to actually quit.
You're gonna make him think that you are,
so he gives you more.
It works all the time in real estate.
- Is it possible that people are different than houses?
- Nope, a body is just a flesh house for the soul.
- I just want you to know that I'm not agreeing to this
because of that weird thing you just said,
but I still trust you, so yeah, let's do it.
- All right.
- Victor, thank you for your last offer,
but if you can't beat that number,
then I will have to quit.
- Very well then. Good luck on your next venture.
I know you'll be great.
Goodbye, Anthony.
♪
- Did I just quit my job?
- Nicky, did I just quit my job?
- I didn't see that coming.
.
[soft music]
- What's this? - Apology champagne.
♪
Noah and Sherm are desperate, so I got it for really cheap.
- Nicky, I'm currently jobless because of you.
- I know. - And for what?
Because I wasn't getting paid as much as I could be?
- Yeah.
- And because I didn't create any boundaries with my boss.
- Uh-huh.
- And because I was too afraid
to stand up for my worth
or look for other opportunities.
- I am sorry, are you actually mad at me, or...
- I thought I was, but I think I finally understand
what you were trying to do for me now.
- I'm glad. I know I pushed you too hard.
But I only did that because I thought
you were getting advantage of like I was.
- What do you mean?
- Well, at my first job I realized
I was getting lower commissions
than everybody else, and I just let it happen
because I was too afraid of overstepping to ask for more,
and I didn't want that to happen to you,
so I realize I was pushing it too far.
- Wow, that's crazy. I'm sorry, Nicky.
- Wow, you really went ham on that champagne.
- Isn't that what you gave it to me for?
- Yeah, but I didn't expect you
to guzzle it during my vulnerable moment.
- My bad.
So I guess my relationship with J and P wasn't as perfect
as I thought it was.
- True, so what are you going to do now?
- Guess I need to make some moves.
♪
- To making moves.
- Oh, okay, cheers. - Yeah!
- Well, should we cash out?
Let go of the missile once and for all?
- I think so. Same time?
[phone dings]
Oh, I made $10.49.
- Minus transaction fees and the cost of celebration today.
- Let's not do the math. - Smart.
I guess I learned a lot about investing and love today.
I need to be more cautious.
- Weren't you working on that in therapy?
- Damn, you right. I should have seen this coming.
Neil is going to be so disappointed.
- Guys, Missile Coin just went up 200%.
I invested 15 minutes ago and just made so much money.
Drinks on me for everybody! Let's go!
[cheers]
♪
- Hey. - Hey.
- Please, have a seat.
♪
Listen, thanks for coming back.
I just wanted to say I appreciate you thinking of me,
but I'm not going to pursue that new job opportunity.
- Oh? - Yeah.
You know, that company might have been a good fit
for the Anthony you knew ten years ago,
but these days I need a little balance,
which is what I told my boss when I called him
for a final negotiation and accepted a new deal.
- That's great that you're staying at your company,
but you could have told me this over the phone,
so why am I back here at 11:00 p.m.?
- Well, I was wondering if maybe you wanted
to go on a date with me.
- Oh, so you're making moves?
This is definitely not the college Anthony.
- I just thought we were both very studious.
- At 3:00 a.m. in your dorm room on a Saturday morning?
- Okay, now that you state the facts, it was very clear,
and I was obviously very bad at picking up on the signals,
but I'm better now.
- I guess I'll just have to find out.
- I guess so.
♪
- And that was the beginning of the rest of our lives.
We learned to value ourselves,
celebrate whatever life may bring.
We learned that when opportunities arise,
you got to go for it, seize the moment.
And most of all, we learned that life has ups and downs,
but when you're with people you love, it's only up.
- Wyatt, did you hear what happened?
Missile Coin just crashed again.
- Oh, no. I can't afford any of this.
I got to get out of here.
Close out my tab! Get out of the way!
- Yeah.
- Not a doctor, shh.