1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:02,793 [Mabel Mora] Who is Dudenoff? 2 00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:04,212 Do you know who's out to get me? 3 00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:05,671 [Helga] [on radio] The last person who came around 4 00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,256 asking these questions got killed. 5 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:10,009 We're illegally subletting rent-controlled apartments. 6 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,221 Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal. We send him rent. 7 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,722 The voice on the ham radio said-- 8 00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:17,225 - That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend, - Your crazy ex-girlfriend. 9 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:20,645 You may have heard about our little "firearms moment" at the photo shoot. 10 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,812 - [gunshot] - [people screaming] 11 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,022 It's Glen! He's still alive! 12 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,483 [Zach Galifianakis] They got me in my fat! 13 00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,401 Dudenoff? He's been cashing social security checks 14 00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,111 at a bodega on 125th Street. 15 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,905 [Mabel] There's two left shoulders? 16 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:34,075 Sazz's body wasn't the only one in the incinerator. 17 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,786 It belongs... to Dudenoff. 18 00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,788 Oliver, I wanna marry you. 19 00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:40,998 Whosever cashing Dudenoff's checks is after you. 20 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,085 Your friend Howard says he knows who killed Dudenoff. 21 00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:46,671 Wasn't just one person cashing his checks. 22 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:49,006 He found five different signatures 23 00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:51,050 - with one phone number. - Hello? 24 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,219 [Howard gasps] 25 00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,347 They know. 26 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,144 [artillery exploding] 27 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:05,147 [Milton Dudenoff] Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film 28 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:10,111 set entirely in a small boat filled with disparate characters 29 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:13,865 who learn how far they'd go to survive the rough waters 30 00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,658 of their perilous circumstances. 31 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,243 [♪ jaunty music playing] 32 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,828 In New York City, 33 00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:23,624 a lifeboat can look a lot like an affordable apartment in a nice building 34 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,751 on the Upper West Side. 35 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,211 [Vince Fish] Can I go in this way? 36 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,296 [pedestrian] Hey, taxi! 37 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:29,380 [elevator doors shut] 38 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:32,342 [♪ jaunty music continues] 39 00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:38,515 - [elevator dings] - Well, I can make another tape. I c-- 40 00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:42,810 - Hey! - Hey. Call-- call me back. 41 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,271 You got one of those fancy invites from Dudenoff, too, huh? 42 00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:48,024 Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery." 43 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,151 I think it was delivered by a raven. 44 00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:53,238 - Is your eye okay? - Yeah, it's probably just allergies. 45 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,990 Hey! You guys got an invite, too? 46 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,867 [laughs] Yeah. Check out this cardstock. 47 00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:00,954 He knows we can, like, text, right? 48 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:03,623 Is someone gonna knock already? 49 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,334 [in European accent] Wait for me! Wait for me! 50 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,419 - Helga! - I brought my new girlfriend. 51 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:10,087 I hope that is okay. 52 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,632 Of course. Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker? 53 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,467 [Inez] Piggy in a blanket! 54 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,844 [Hammy squeals] 55 00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:19,597 Oh, hell! 56 00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,390 Look who it is. 57 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,977 Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. 58 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,979 I'm about to change your lives. 59 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,066 [♪ lively theme song playing] 60 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:33,153 [♪ vocalizing] 61 00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:13,318 [♪ theme song fades out] 62 00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:18,198 - [♪ curious music playing] - [car engine starting] 63 00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:21,242 [Charles-Haden Savage] One thing about choosing a safe house 64 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:22,411 filled with your family. 65 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,371 [Oliver Putnam] What's that, Charles? 66 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,541 [Charles] It makes going home to a building full of murderers more appealing. 67 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,210 - [car sputtering] - [Oliver grunts] 68 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,132 - [car hissing, rattling] - [Mabel] Seriously? 69 00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,886 [Oliver] [coughing gags] Okay, just put-- [sighs] 70 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:43,055 [sighs] No, no, no. Charles, use your hips. 71 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,391 Up and around like a hula hoop. Do this thing. 72 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,351 - [Charles] It's not helping. - Would you just let me? 73 00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,438 No, I can do it. It's just a problem with the, uh, th-the fuselage. 74 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,815 How do neither of you know how to pop the hood of a car? 75 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:56,569 - Because real men hire other men, Mabel. - Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away, 76 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,447 and it's good to leave them something to do 'cause it makes 'em happy. 77 00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:02,534 - You're a real philanthropist. Hang on. - [musical ring tone] 78 00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:05,870 [groans] They're calling again! Ignore! 79 00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:08,831 - [Oliver mutters, sniffs] - Well, while we're waiting, 80 00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:10,833 we should probably do a recap. 81 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,460 Here's what we know so far. 82 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:15,254 This Dudenoff guy has a bunch of rent-controlled units, 83 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,173 and he moved the Westies in. 84 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:21,010 Then, even though they need him alive to keep their homes, 85 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:23,012 they kill and burn him. 86 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,014 And then, they cash his checks to cover it up. 87 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:29,060 And when poor Sazz caught onto them, they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment. 88 00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,853 And then, they shot at me, barely missing 89 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,147 the most essential person to our investigative work. 90 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,191 I can't believe Vince Fish would do this! 91 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,859 He was my Wordle buddy! 92 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,779 - [ringtone plays] - Oh! [growls] Hold on. 93 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,406 Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now. 94 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:43,824 - [FaceTime answers] - Hello? 95 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,828 Hey, guys! So the sexy half of this crime-solving sextet 96 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,330 has some thoughts. 97 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,332 Don't you have to go to rehearsal? 98 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,876 Now that we know that we're indispensable, we cannot leave you alone. 99 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,962 We are professional investigators, 100 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,172 and you are playing us in a movie because of it! 101 00:04:58,173 --> 00:04:59,632 We are fine on our own! 102 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,884 Hey, can we just, uh, mute you for a second? 103 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,803 If you're muting us, we're muting you! 104 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,556 [Zach] [on phone] Okay, good. Muting each other. 105 00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,223 [Zach sighs] 106 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,933 Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this? 107 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,102 Uh, y-you didn't mute us. 108 00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:13,938 Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now. 109 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:16,732 - What happened? I'm muted. [snorts] - [Eva Longoria] No, we can still hear you. 110 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,068 Tell you what? Let's just not mute! 111 00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:21,112 [over phone] We need to find someplace safe to plan. 112 00:05:21,113 --> 00:05:23,155 Anywhere but the Arconia. 113 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,740 [♪ curious music playing] 114 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,368 Okay. I know just the place. 115 00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:28,911 [car hissing] 116 00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,372 ♪ 117 00:05:32,709 --> 00:05:34,750 Okay, but how do we get a confession? 118 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:38,087 Well, I have an idea, but it involves someone. 119 00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,715 - Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza-- - It's Tony Danza. 120 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,759 Eugene, can we go one day without you mentioning Tony Danza? 121 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,886 [production set chatter] 122 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:45,971 [Mabel] Hey, look. 123 00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:50,391 [Oliver gasps, laughs weakly] 124 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,186 [Charles] How could my character live here? 125 00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,771 The albums, not alphabetized. 126 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,106 Oh! Nice. 127 00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:00,985 Nice. A first edition touching a second edition! 128 00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:03,322 Yeah, brilliant. That's really good. 129 00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,324 Oh, really? 130 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,911 - [Oliver] Oh. - [Zach] Okay. 131 00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:11,871 So, we bust in on the Westies with two celebrities 132 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,581 - and Eugene. - [Eva] Mm-hmm. 133 00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:14,665 Then, what? 134 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,125 It's almost go-time on the movie, 135 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,085 so I'm gonna pump my cheeks while we spitball. 136 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,129 - Can we get back to my idea for a minute? - [Zach exhales] 137 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,214 Because it's so simple. 138 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,841 We invite the Westies to, yes, 139 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:26,344 Tony Danza's 35th annual 140 00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:28,804 "It's Time To Wear White Pants Extrava-Danza." 141 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:32,558 Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of Who's the Boss? 142 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,936 - I don't care. It's okay. - [Oliver] Oh. 143 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:37,522 Then, we tell the Sauce Family that Tony wants 144 00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:40,233 to start his own line of sauces called 145 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:41,609 "Who's the Sauce?" 146 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,445 The Westies will then spill their story 147 00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:48,699 on account of Danza's, uh, neighborhood wise-guy charisma. 148 00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,369 - Danza's the perfect plan-za. - Mm. 149 00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:52,745 I love it. I love it. 150 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,081 I would change it slightly and maybe not do it. 151 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,585 And instead, surprise them with a ding-dong. 152 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,255 - Wh-What...? - Uh, say more about the ding-dong. 153 00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:06,133 In soapy TV, a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise. 154 00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,886 It's like a-a long-lost brother returns, 155 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:11,264 or, uh, your paralyzed uncle 156 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,349 starts to walk again after 40 years. 157 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,851 Y-You're overthinking it. 158 00:07:14,852 --> 00:07:17,937 One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff, and the others are covering for 'em. 159 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,438 All we need to do is get them talking. 160 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,524 I say that we invite the Westies 161 00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:24,110 to a celebrity-studded... 162 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,487 super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's. 163 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:27,822 That's good. 164 00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,199 Right. Our own turf. The key is to remain calm. 165 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,160 Well, having precise control of our emotions 166 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,162 is what actors do best. 167 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,873 Yeah, the question is can you three do it? 168 00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:38,916 First of all, I am an actor! 169 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,042 Well, let's not go crazy. 170 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:43,838 But also, I'm entirely capable of catching the killer of my dear friend 171 00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:46,884 who only wanted to open a trampoline park so young-- 172 00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,472 I need to lie down. 173 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,184 [production set chatter continues] 174 00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:59,229 Where the fuck is my bedroom?! 175 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,856 - [Oliver growls] - [♪ gentle plucky music playing] 176 00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:03,983 [Mabel] I hope Charles can hold it together. 177 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,445 Confronting a friend's killer just brings up a lotta shit. 178 00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:10,032 [device buzzing] 179 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,117 [Oliver growls] 180 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,869 Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores 181 00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:18,915 with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool. 182 00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:20,500 This is the infrared setting. 183 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,293 Yeah, it's also a nail gun, 184 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:25,296 has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head. 185 00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:27,924 - [Oliver laughs] - [cell phone ringing] 186 00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,926 - Hello? - [Loretta Durkin] [on phone] Hi! 187 00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,720 - Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée. - [Loretta giggles] 188 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:35,806 We're getting married this weekend! [laughs] 189 00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,683 [in Cary Grant impression] Hello, my darling love. 190 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,768 This weekend? 191 00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:41,854 I know, he's a little old to have a shotgun wedding. 192 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,942 Yeah. More like a musket wedding. [wheezing laugh] 193 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:48,695 Where did he go? 194 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,363 [multitool buzzing stops] 195 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:53,032 Hey, look, it's also a recorder. 196 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,117 [clicks button] 197 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,787 [sing-songy] ♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪ 198 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,956 [recorder plays] [auto-tuned] ♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪ 199 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:02,834 It has auto-tune. [giggles] You wanna try it? 200 00:09:02,835 --> 00:09:05,921 Uh, don't-- Definitely don't wanna touch that. 201 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,215 [clicks button, buzzing resumes] 202 00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:09,924 - Yeah. Okay. - [Loretta] Yeah. 203 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:12,176 No, no, honey. I-I will-- I will handle it all. 204 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,303 - [Loretta] I can't believe we're here. - I know. It's exciting. 205 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:15,763 Uh, no, I'll, I'll make the arrangements. 206 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,431 Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye. 207 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:19,851 - [production set chatter] - [Oliver sighs] 208 00:09:19,852 --> 00:09:20,936 [Zach] Hey, that's my seat. 209 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,896 Oh! [laughs] Of course it is. 210 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,816 I, uh, I keep forgetting. 211 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,693 - Okay. - We getting married this weekend? 212 00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:29,986 I am. 213 00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:32,489 Please don't tell me you're gonna do it at a courthouse. 214 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,449 Weddings demand spectacle. 215 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:38,286 Music, speeches, AK-47s shot right up in the air. 216 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,414 Zach, I didn't realize you were a fellow romantic. 217 00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,749 Weddings are the most important part of a marriage. 218 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,334 My wife and I get married quarterly. 219 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:48,129 The venue sets the tone for your life together. 220 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,464 When we want playfulness, we get married at the beach. 221 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,341 If we've been fighting, then... 222 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,343 it's at the site of an important armistice. 223 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,930 Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David. 224 00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,348 We needed a lot of those. 225 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:02,935 - Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine. - Oh, she's right. It's perfect 226 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,605 'cause you'll be right back there for the divorce. 227 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:06,772 - Zach? - Yes. 228 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,192 - We're rehearsing scene 13. - Which one is that one? 229 00:10:09,193 --> 00:10:11,986 The one where Oliver explains why his previous marriage failed. 230 00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,447 Oh. 231 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,241 - [set bell rings] - [set chatter continues] 232 00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,452 Are you okay, Charles? 233 00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,914 I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry. 234 00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:26,502 And to be honest, it would layer my performance if I could, uh, 235 00:10:27,211 --> 00:10:28,753 see what it looks like. 236 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:31,005 Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no, 237 00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:33,007 uh, you'll not see what it looks like 238 00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,676 because it's not socially acceptable. 239 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,303 Eugene, you wanna practice flipping omelets? 240 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,805 Oh, the infamous omelet bit. Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks. 241 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,182 I'll, uh, practice. Anyway, 242 00:10:41,183 --> 00:10:44,060 I'm curious. I mean, a-are-are you a yeller? 243 00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:46,562 - Do you get violent? - Oh, no. Worse. 244 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,814 But it hasn't happened in decades because of my 245 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,275 emotion suppression technique, 246 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:55,071 which involves breathing and a lot of, 247 00:10:55,072 --> 00:10:57,157 uh, room straightening. 248 00:10:58,450 --> 00:10:59,451 [omelet splats] 249 00:10:59,952 --> 00:11:00,953 [Charles gasps] 250 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:09,877 [♪ gentle plucky music playing] 251 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,421 There you go. 252 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,131 [Eugene clears throat] 253 00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,133 This bother you? 254 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,637 - No. - This bother you? 255 00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:22,598 - No. - [Eugene Levy] Does this bother you? 256 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,141 Why are you doing that? 257 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,602 - Does this... - [Charles yelps] 258 00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:32,484 ♪ 259 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,363 [quiet street noise] 260 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,906 Okay, they'll be here any minute. 261 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,367 Now, I know we're all running hot. We have a podcast, 262 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,953 two murders, a wedding, 263 00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:45,204 but we're gonna stay calm. 264 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,415 Well, we can stay calm way more than you can stay calm. 265 00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:50,043 - It's not a competition. - It's now a competition. 266 00:11:50,586 --> 00:11:52,795 I've set my sphincter to clenching, 267 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,298 - unclenching, re-clenching. - [knocking on door] 268 00:11:55,299 --> 00:11:57,384 - It's them. It's them. - Okay. Okay. 269 00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,679 Maybe I could throw together a wedding booze cruise. 270 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,347 That's the blueprint you want for your marriage? 271 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,183 You're freezing, you end up nowhere, 272 00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:06,601 and the maid of honor fucks the skipper? 273 00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,519 - [knocking on door] - [Oliver snorts] 274 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,772 - [Charles] Come on, come on, come on. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 275 00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:14,693 [knocking] 276 00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:19,030 Oh, hell-o! 277 00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,406 [laughter] 278 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,033 We brought snacks. 279 00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:24,452 [Inez] Can't play cards without jamón! 280 00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,162 [Alfonso] That's right, mami. 281 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,705 Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming. 282 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,540 We figured we'd host since it's a big group. 283 00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:32,376 Ah, please. Any friends of yours are friends of ours. 284 00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,712 Especially if they're Hollywood stars. 285 00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:37,465 - [laughter] - You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch, 286 00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:39,509 but I'm winking playfully. 287 00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:40,593 [laughter] 288 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,220 - [door slams, lock clicks] - [Mabel and Eva gasp] 289 00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:43,429 Let's go. 290 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,555 [knife slices] 291 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,516 We know you know about the checks. 292 00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:48,601 Give us your phones now! 293 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,437 [♪ dramatic music playing] 294 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,522 [Oliver grumbles] 295 00:12:52,523 --> 00:12:54,524 ♪ 296 00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:55,608 [Eva mutters] 297 00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:58,737 ♪ 298 00:13:01,787 --> 00:13:03,908 [♪ suspenseful music playing] 299 00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,494 - So, what's your move now, Vince? - [Vince] You're gonna sit there, 300 00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:08,538 you're gonna listen to our story. 301 00:13:08,539 --> 00:13:10,457 Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm. 302 00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:13,960 Although killers do always tell you their story before they kill you. 303 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:18,464 They're gonna try to humanize themselves with long origin stories. 304 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,842 Exactly. Like if we had gone through that, 305 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,802 we would've killed and eaten Dudenoff, too. 306 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,264 - We didn't eat him. - Yeah, but you killed him, right? 307 00:13:27,099 --> 00:13:29,101 Okay. So, 308 00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:31,895 Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant. 309 00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:35,398 Milton and his wife were regulars, until she passed. 310 00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:37,942 Then, he started ordering in. 311 00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:41,445 And when we were understaffed, we delivered to him on our way home. 312 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,614 Oh, hell! - [indistinct chatter] 313 00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,908 [Ana] He looked so alone in his little studio. 314 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:49,453 [Inez] He invited us in. We started playing cards. 315 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:52,039 [Alfonso] Oh Hell on Friday nights. 316 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,875 It started to become a regular thing. 317 00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,085 - [Dudenoff] Please, please. - Okay. So, the, uh, 318 00:13:56,086 --> 00:14:00,131 the secret ingredient here is Jamón Ibérico. 319 00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:03,718 - Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do. - [Alfonso] Oh, thank you. 320 00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:05,595 Our dream, actually, is to, uh, 321 00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:08,639 start our own line of sauces. And I-I know this sounds crazy, 322 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,184 but Tony Danza would be an investor. 323 00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:12,268 [soft laughter] 324 00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:13,519 [Eugene] So, you killed him 325 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:18,399 because he didn't deliver the last piece of the dream? 326 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,318 Don't say Tony Danza. 327 00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:22,236 Sauce Dad said it first! 328 00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:23,905 - We didn't kill him! - Never. 329 00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:25,781 - Yeah. We definitely did not kill him. - We loved him. 330 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:28,409 - Then, Crazy Rudy killed him. - Crazy? Me? 331 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:31,787 [♪ "Deck The Halls" playing from sweater] 332 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:32,914 [Rudy sighs] 333 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,875 I don't know why I keep replacing the battery. 334 00:14:36,001 --> 00:14:37,377 Lovely. 335 00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:40,588 I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago. 336 00:14:40,589 --> 00:14:42,215 I was trying to be an actor, 337 00:14:42,216 --> 00:14:45,009 I was holding down five jobs, and I signed up for his class. 338 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,511 I remember my first acting class. 339 00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:47,929 It was a film class. 340 00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:51,015 It was in a closet of a basement of a subway stop. 341 00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,976 Most of my scene partners were sex workers. 342 00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:55,311 [Rudy Thurber] Okay. [clears throat] 343 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:59,148 One day, we watched A Few Good Men in Professor Dudenoff's class. 344 00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:01,609 I ran up to him afterwards on the street, and I said, 345 00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:05,112 I'd studied a monologue from that film for my previous class. 346 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,740 He asked me to do it, and I did. 347 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:10,743 I did the whole thing, right there at the bus stop. 348 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,037 - It went something like this. - Oh... 349 00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,789 "You want answers?" "I think I'm entitled." 350 00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,666 "You want answers?" "I want the truth!" 351 00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,835 - "You can't handle the truth! - [Oliver mouthing along] 352 00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:20,336 "Son, we live in a world that has walls, 353 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,380 "and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. 354 00:15:22,381 --> 00:15:23,464 "Who's gonna do it? You? 355 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,132 "You, Lieutenant Weinberg? 356 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,259 I have a greater respons--" 357 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,219 I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do the whole monologue? 358 00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:31,223 Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing. I think it's worth it. 359 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,601 "I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! 360 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,228 "You weep for Santiago... Saves lives... 361 00:15:37,229 --> 00:15:41,107 "My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. 362 00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:42,775 "You don't want the truth because, deep down, 363 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,819 "in places you don't talk about at parties, 364 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,654 "you want me on that wall! 365 00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:48,322 "You need me on that wall... 366 00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:50,449 "Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. 367 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:54,203 Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!" 368 00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:56,581 "Did you order the code red?" "I did the job." 369 00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:59,333 "Did you order the code red?" "You're goddamn right I did!" 370 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,628 - Oh... Oh, that was wonderful. - [Rudy panting] 371 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:03,713 ♪ 372 00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:04,922 I blew his socks off. 373 00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:08,426 And he invited me back to his place at the Arconia. 374 00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:10,511 - That's my jam. - And this? What's this? 375 00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,597 Uh, that is a ham radio. 376 00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:14,140 What do you do with a ham radio? 377 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:17,101 No, it's just-- it's just a hobby, you know? A-And a very... 378 00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,604 [Rudy] Of course, I got my own ham radio. 379 00:16:19,605 --> 00:16:21,272 And ultimately, we all did. 380 00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:23,441 And Professor Dudenoff looked at me. 381 00:16:23,442 --> 00:16:24,817 He said... 382 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,944 You know, you're really very good, Rudy. 383 00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,905 Thank you. That... 384 00:16:28,906 --> 00:16:29,990 That means a lot to me. 385 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,075 [sighing] 386 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:34,661 Let me ask you somethin'. 387 00:16:35,204 --> 00:16:38,332 If your life were a movie, 388 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,918 what would be your happy ending? 389 00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:44,462 And that's when he touched your Santa sack, 390 00:16:44,463 --> 00:16:45,630 and you had your "happy ending." 391 00:16:45,631 --> 00:16:47,423 - [Mabel] Eva! - [Eva] What? 392 00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,550 [Rudy] No! I said I wanted to stay in the city, 393 00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:51,886 keep performing, keep trying, 394 00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:55,431 and live with fewer roommates who use towels as toilet paper. 395 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,934 That was my dream. 396 00:16:57,935 --> 00:17:01,020 So, Charles, that leaves 397 00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,772 your "friend" Vince. 398 00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:05,942 He exposed you to pink eye, and what did you get? 399 00:17:05,943 --> 00:17:07,443 Lies! 400 00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:08,903 And, likely, pink eye. 401 00:17:08,904 --> 00:17:12,032 Come on, doesn't that make you... angry? 402 00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,492 [Charles quietly wheezes] 403 00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:16,244 Oh, I'm fine. 404 00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:17,411 I'm suppressing, 405 00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,580 and I'm suppressing, and suppressing, 406 00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:21,667 and I'm... good. 407 00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:25,503 Alright. Since none of you seem 408 00:17:25,504 --> 00:17:27,965 to be on the verge of a psychotic break. 409 00:17:28,841 --> 00:17:30,842 Before my wife died, she made me promise 410 00:17:30,843 --> 00:17:33,719 that I wouldn't turn into one of those weird lonely old men. 411 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,596 Now, we both loved movies, 412 00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:38,850 so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer for his film class, 413 00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:42,979 I thought that this way was her way of telling me to go out and make friends. 414 00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:45,565 But, oh, those kids... 415 00:17:45,566 --> 00:17:49,360 [♪ "Auld Lang Syne" playing] 416 00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:53,407 ♪ Lang... Syne! ♪ 417 00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,617 - [♪ song ends] - [Dudenoff] You know, the reason 418 00:17:56,618 --> 00:18:02,624 It's A Wonderful Life is timeless comes down to one thing. 419 00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:06,502 Casting. You know, 420 00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:09,590 if you can populate your story 421 00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:11,800 with the right people, 422 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,719 your work will live forever. 423 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,430 [sighs] Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless. 424 00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,223 It's pro-capitalist gaslighting! 425 00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,892 George Bailey's life still sucks, 426 00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:23,478 - and Potter just gets away with it. - [Vince] [emotional] No! 427 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,022 No, you missed the point! [sniffles] 428 00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:28,608 George ends up with his family. Potter's all alone. 429 00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:30,776 - I like being alone. - [scattered laughter] 430 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,863 Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience. 431 00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,824 [sniffles] But being really alone? 432 00:18:37,326 --> 00:18:39,952 There's nothing worse. You don't smile, you don't laugh, 433 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,997 you stop caring about what food tastes like 'cause... 434 00:18:42,998 --> 00:18:44,082 [sniffles] 435 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:47,710 you still wake up alone again without her. 436 00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:48,794 Every class... 437 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,088 But Dudenoff, him I liked. 438 00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:53,591 "...hates poor people. This movie hates trees." 439 00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,259 Why do they have to be so mad all the time? 440 00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,929 - This world's a dumpster fire. - [Vince] It sure is. 441 00:18:57,930 --> 00:19:00,473 In this city, you know, kid, 442 00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:04,685 you can't even afford an apartment unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it. 443 00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:08,105 - And why can't a movie just be a movie? - [Dudenoff sighs] 444 00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:10,066 [♪ soft music playing] 445 00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:12,235 Jack Lemmon in The Apartment. I-I-I didn't know that... 446 00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:14,737 [Vince] And he invited me to join his weekly card game. 447 00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,197 [Dudenoff] I-I feel empathetic. 448 00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,783 [Vince] I had no idea why he knew we'd click... 449 00:19:18,784 --> 00:19:20,117 [muffled chatter] 450 00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:22,578 - ...but we did. - [Rudy chuckles] 451 00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:25,748 His wife had been a music teacher. Back when the city was cheap, 452 00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:28,209 whenever a unit would open up on their floor, 453 00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:31,462 they would grab it. You know, she'd use it for music classes or, 454 00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:35,008 you know, uh, let a kid stay there if he was going through tough times. 455 00:19:35,759 --> 00:19:36,759 But with her gone, 456 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:41,014 Professor Dudenoff was living amid, um, an empty hallway. 457 00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:44,059 He just couldn't bear to give up those apartments. 458 00:19:45,561 --> 00:19:48,355 And one night, after many hours of Oh Hell, 459 00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:54,235 he decided that he wasn't going to turn into 460 00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:57,322 one of those weird lonely old men. 461 00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:00,868 He broke the law for us, 462 00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,370 so that we could have a chance at our dreams. 463 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,163 But he had a dream, too. 464 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:07,624 To live in Portugal. 465 00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:10,169 And he left. And, no, 466 00:20:10,836 --> 00:20:14,213 - we haven't heard from him since. - [Alfonso] And, yes, 467 00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,674 we've been keeping up the ruse and... 468 00:20:16,675 --> 00:20:19,219 cashing his checks. 469 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,888 So that's the whole thing? 470 00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:25,016 Yeah, we could do it again if you like. I could do a comedy version if you want-- 471 00:20:25,017 --> 00:20:26,434 [overlapping "Nos"] 472 00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:28,186 - Thank you. - [Oliver] Oh God, no. 473 00:20:28,187 --> 00:20:30,480 - Okay, I think we're done here. - [doorbell rings] 474 00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:32,482 Not yet. 475 00:20:34,151 --> 00:20:35,693 It's ding-dong time. 476 00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:38,112 [gasps] You pulled a ding-dong? 477 00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:39,447 - It was a good idea. - [door opens] 478 00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:40,532 [♪ tense sting] 479 00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:43,744 - [door shuts] - [♪ suspenseful music playing] 480 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,122 - [Westies gasp] - Helga?! 481 00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,707 What are you doing here? 482 00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:52,710 Mabel reached out on the ham radio. 483 00:20:52,711 --> 00:20:54,922 I'm here to tell the truth. 484 00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:58,175 We can't handle the truth. 485 00:21:01,388 --> 00:21:03,888 [♪ curious music playing] 486 00:21:03,889 --> 00:21:05,848 [Charles] You're Helga? 487 00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,892 I imagined you toothless with a club. 488 00:21:07,893 --> 00:21:10,228 [scoffs] Disregard him, Helga. 489 00:21:10,229 --> 00:21:13,232 His brain is covered with plaque. Please go on. 490 00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:17,860 I-I first met Dudenoff when I'd just become a locksmith, 491 00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,654 which was my childhood dream. 492 00:21:19,655 --> 00:21:20,738 Wait? Really? 493 00:21:20,739 --> 00:21:24,116 No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot. 494 00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,996 So, my father died and left me the business. 495 00:21:28,747 --> 00:21:32,250 He was all I had until I met Dudenoff. 496 00:21:32,251 --> 00:21:35,838 [♪ muffled "Perfect Strangers" theme song playing] 497 00:21:37,381 --> 00:21:38,841 [♪ Dudenoff humming along] 498 00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,133 [sings] ♪ Standing tall ♪ 499 00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:43,052 You know, it's before your time, 500 00:21:43,053 --> 00:21:44,637 but that's the theme song to-- 501 00:21:44,638 --> 00:21:47,181 It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know. 502 00:21:47,182 --> 00:21:48,642 Yes. 503 00:21:49,393 --> 00:21:51,269 - Yeah. - You know, I've never met anyone 504 00:21:51,270 --> 00:21:52,980 - who loses their keys this often. - [lock clicks] 505 00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:57,483 Some people your age put it on a retractable belt... 506 00:21:57,484 --> 00:22:00,529 It's not dementia. I always lose my keys. I-- 507 00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:04,615 My wife used to let me in, but... 508 00:22:04,616 --> 00:22:07,703 [♪ theme song continues] 509 00:22:08,996 --> 00:22:11,539 - Okay! - [lock buzzes] 510 00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:13,291 - Ah, look at that. - [Helga] So, uh, 511 00:22:13,292 --> 00:22:16,003 what is a code that someone your age can remember? 512 00:22:17,921 --> 00:22:20,631 [sighs] How about, um, 513 00:22:20,632 --> 00:22:21,800 "Oh Hell"? 514 00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,051 Wait, like the card game? 515 00:22:24,052 --> 00:22:25,803 - You know it? - [Helga] My father and I 516 00:22:25,804 --> 00:22:27,555 used to play all the time. 517 00:22:27,556 --> 00:22:29,558 I haven't since he died. 518 00:22:30,142 --> 00:22:31,851 [sighs] I'm sorry, 519 00:22:31,852 --> 00:22:34,187 you just look so much like him. 520 00:22:34,188 --> 00:22:35,897 Except, uh, he was tall. 521 00:22:35,898 --> 00:22:38,024 And blonde. And hot. 522 00:22:38,025 --> 00:22:39,109 [Dudenoff chuckles] 523 00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:43,280 Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers. 524 00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:45,574 Huh... 525 00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:49,368 You know, uh, 526 00:22:49,369 --> 00:22:51,662 we have this little card game Friday nights. 527 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:53,664 [Helga] And that is how I met the gang. 528 00:22:53,665 --> 00:22:56,209 - Why not? - [Alfonso] Mm! Mm! 529 00:22:56,210 --> 00:22:58,836 [Helga] Yeah, I was there, too. 530 00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:01,130 I'm sure they didn't mention that. 531 00:23:01,131 --> 00:23:03,299 - Wow. - [Alfonso] Yeah! 532 00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:05,635 [Helga] At first, they were the nicest group of people 533 00:23:05,636 --> 00:23:07,762 I had met in New York City, 534 00:23:07,763 --> 00:23:10,765 a place I'd always wanted to call home. 535 00:23:10,766 --> 00:23:13,351 [Inez] Helga, so where do you live, honey? 536 00:23:13,352 --> 00:23:15,061 Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel. 537 00:23:15,062 --> 00:23:17,271 It's only 85 train stops away. 538 00:23:17,272 --> 00:23:18,814 You'd love it. 539 00:23:18,815 --> 00:23:21,734 Then, he gave us these nice cheap apartments, 540 00:23:21,735 --> 00:23:24,153 and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers 541 00:23:24,154 --> 00:23:26,656 into a family. 542 00:23:26,657 --> 00:23:28,741 But a few years later... 543 00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:30,743 [♪ somber music playing] 544 00:23:30,744 --> 00:23:32,246 ...he was gone. 545 00:23:33,247 --> 00:23:34,248 [keys jingle] 546 00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:38,209 Said he felt bad doing it in a note, 547 00:23:38,210 --> 00:23:40,837 but he'd had enough of goodbyes. 548 00:23:40,838 --> 00:23:42,130 He was off to Portugal. 549 00:23:42,881 --> 00:23:46,927 After helping us with our dreams, he wanted to live his. 550 00:23:47,344 --> 00:23:49,637 - [power snaps, whirs down] - [♪ music stops suddenly] 551 00:23:49,638 --> 00:23:51,722 - [lights click, power whirs back] - [♪ music restarts] 552 00:23:51,723 --> 00:23:55,643 I knew the power only surged when the old incinerator was used, 553 00:23:55,644 --> 00:23:58,646 but I didn't suspect anything. Yet... 554 00:23:58,647 --> 00:23:59,856 [podcast playing on phone] 555 00:23:59,857 --> 00:24:03,484 Suddenly, we all went from talking every day to nothing. 556 00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:05,236 Total silence. 557 00:24:05,237 --> 00:24:07,655 And then, your podcast started. 558 00:24:07,656 --> 00:24:09,407 [Mabel] [on podcast] One thing was for sure. 559 00:24:09,408 --> 00:24:12,076 Someone in the Arconia was hiding something. 560 00:24:12,077 --> 00:24:14,829 [Oliver] [on podcast] A homicidal freak who poisoned a perfect, 561 00:24:14,830 --> 00:24:16,331 if gassy, dog. 562 00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:20,168 [Helga] Everyone was acting so secretive. 563 00:24:20,169 --> 00:24:21,252 Helga! 564 00:24:21,253 --> 00:24:23,004 [Helga] I listened to the podcast. 565 00:24:23,005 --> 00:24:24,881 All those unexplained things 566 00:24:24,882 --> 00:24:27,258 someone in the building was doing to scare you. 567 00:24:27,259 --> 00:24:31,596 What if it was them trying to cover up what they had done? 568 00:24:31,597 --> 00:24:33,264 Let's play cards. 569 00:24:33,265 --> 00:24:35,683 [Helga] And I started to wonder. 570 00:24:35,684 --> 00:24:37,768 [group murmuring] 571 00:24:37,769 --> 00:24:38,936 Please. 572 00:24:38,937 --> 00:24:41,731 [Helga] Why did the power surge that night? 573 00:24:41,732 --> 00:24:45,777 I couldn't prove they had anything to do with Dudenoff's disappearance, 574 00:24:47,362 --> 00:24:49,155 but I knew in my bones 575 00:24:49,156 --> 00:24:50,823 I had to move out. 576 00:24:50,824 --> 00:24:52,033 They killed him! 577 00:24:52,034 --> 00:24:53,492 - [Inez gasps] - We didn't! 578 00:24:53,493 --> 00:24:56,412 - No, no! He went to Portugal. - Dead men don't send ham! 579 00:24:56,413 --> 00:24:58,414 Then, what's this? 580 00:24:58,415 --> 00:24:59,957 I can't see. 581 00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:01,959 I actually don't know. What is that? 582 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,295 - Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder. - [all gasp] 583 00:25:04,296 --> 00:25:07,507 It was in the incinerator. You killed and burned him that night. 584 00:25:07,508 --> 00:25:09,967 And when Sazz figured it out, you killed and burned her, too. 585 00:25:09,968 --> 00:25:12,803 And when we tried to look into that, you tried to kill me! 586 00:25:12,804 --> 00:25:15,723 Yeah, another way to put that is you actually shot me. 587 00:25:15,724 --> 00:25:18,309 What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? 588 00:25:18,310 --> 00:25:19,853 These people are murderers! 589 00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:24,315 I'm tired of being the nice guy here with no temper! 590 00:25:24,316 --> 00:25:26,817 I'm a Canadian man connected 591 00:25:26,818 --> 00:25:29,195 to his rage right now! 592 00:25:29,196 --> 00:25:32,449 And [laughs] God, it feels so good! 593 00:25:33,408 --> 00:25:35,952 Charles, tantrum with me. 594 00:25:35,953 --> 00:25:37,662 No, no, no. 595 00:25:37,663 --> 00:25:40,665 They incinerated your friend, Charles. 596 00:25:40,666 --> 00:25:44,001 - And then plied you with word games... - No. [laughs] No. No. 597 00:25:44,002 --> 00:25:46,547 ...from the New York Times! 598 00:25:49,216 --> 00:25:51,384 [gasping, quiet wheezing] 599 00:25:51,385 --> 00:25:54,095 [♪ curious music playing] 600 00:25:54,096 --> 00:25:55,848 - So far, I'm underwhelmed. - [coasters clatter] 601 00:25:56,765 --> 00:25:58,474 [gasping breaths] 602 00:25:58,475 --> 00:25:59,934 [Oliver] Uh-huh... 603 00:25:59,935 --> 00:26:02,311 - [barely audible wheezing] - Yes. Interesting. 604 00:26:02,312 --> 00:26:04,313 Is this how I find out he's a mime? 605 00:26:04,314 --> 00:26:06,816 No, no, no. We can't hear him, but I'm so tuned into his character, 606 00:26:06,817 --> 00:26:09,694 I can feel his words. He's saying... 607 00:26:09,695 --> 00:26:11,988 [barely audible wheezing] 608 00:26:11,989 --> 00:26:13,866 ..."These people killed Sazz! 609 00:26:14,741 --> 00:26:17,578 "I am steamed... and put out! 610 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,454 - To some degree." - [Vince] Oh, the hell with this! 611 00:26:20,455 --> 00:26:22,332 - Gimme that! Helga! - [indistinct yelling] 612 00:26:23,417 --> 00:26:26,627 You're not the only one who got a note the night that Dudenoff died. 613 00:26:26,628 --> 00:26:27,713 Now, everybody, 614 00:26:28,922 --> 00:26:30,716 come with me! 615 00:26:33,927 --> 00:26:36,930 [♪ mysterious music playing] 616 00:26:41,518 --> 00:26:43,520 We all got notes that night. 617 00:26:44,479 --> 00:26:46,481 Only ours were different. 618 00:26:49,067 --> 00:26:51,944 [Rudy] "You are cordially invited to my funeral. 619 00:26:51,945 --> 00:26:54,239 Midnight, in the basement. Don't tell Helga." 620 00:26:55,532 --> 00:26:57,742 - [Alfonso] What the fuck? - Funeral? 621 00:26:57,743 --> 00:26:59,493 I don't like it. 622 00:26:59,494 --> 00:27:01,662 Come on. Let's go. 623 00:27:01,663 --> 00:27:04,540 - [Ana sighs] - [Alfonso] Come on, come on. 624 00:27:04,541 --> 00:27:07,628 [♪ music building] 625 00:27:12,132 --> 00:27:13,633 [service elevator rattling] 626 00:27:13,634 --> 00:27:16,219 [overlapping chatter] 627 00:27:16,220 --> 00:27:18,679 Hey! Milton, what's going on? 628 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,933 - Hey-- Okay-- - [overlapping chatter continues] 629 00:27:21,934 --> 00:27:24,393 Hey, can I just talk?! Can I? 630 00:27:24,394 --> 00:27:25,645 - Yeah. - Of course. 631 00:27:25,646 --> 00:27:27,104 [Dudenoff] Uh, so, 632 00:27:27,105 --> 00:27:30,567 you know I'm always saying a movie is only as good as its cast? 633 00:27:32,236 --> 00:27:34,738 Now, I'm just a teacher. I never got to make... 634 00:27:35,364 --> 00:27:36,615 my own movie. 635 00:27:37,241 --> 00:27:38,741 But I'll tell you this. 636 00:27:38,742 --> 00:27:41,661 If our lives were a movie... 637 00:27:41,662 --> 00:27:43,371 [laughs] 638 00:27:43,372 --> 00:27:45,581 I cast the shit outta this one. 639 00:27:45,582 --> 00:27:47,042 [soft laughter] 640 00:27:48,335 --> 00:27:51,630 Professor, what exactly are we doing here? 641 00:27:52,297 --> 00:27:54,299 Well, uh... 642 00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:57,468 I-I have some medical news. 643 00:27:57,469 --> 00:27:59,555 [weak laugh] Um... 644 00:28:00,681 --> 00:28:02,265 I'm an old guy, so, you know, 645 00:28:02,266 --> 00:28:05,351 it's not like Terms of Endearment sad or anything, 646 00:28:05,352 --> 00:28:08,145 but, you know, I-- Uh... 647 00:28:08,146 --> 00:28:10,022 they tell me I've, uh, only got a few months. 648 00:28:10,023 --> 00:28:11,649 - [shocked chatter] - And so-- 649 00:28:11,650 --> 00:28:15,403 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, you know, when I'm gone... 650 00:28:15,404 --> 00:28:17,363 [♪ somber music playing] 651 00:28:17,364 --> 00:28:20,658 ...uh, this building, they're gonna swoop in and, 652 00:28:20,659 --> 00:28:24,370 you know, tear our cast apart. But, 653 00:28:24,371 --> 00:28:26,664 I have a workaround. 654 00:28:26,665 --> 00:28:28,250 And, uh... 655 00:28:30,544 --> 00:28:34,506 and it's that you will all keep me alive. 656 00:28:36,091 --> 00:28:37,842 W-Well, I mean, actually no 657 00:28:37,843 --> 00:28:41,429 'cause I've just taken a hell of a lot of pills. 658 00:28:41,430 --> 00:28:42,722 [shocked chatter] 659 00:28:42,723 --> 00:28:45,016 I want you, tonight, 660 00:28:45,017 --> 00:28:47,518 to put my body in the incinerator! 661 00:28:47,519 --> 00:28:49,478 - [all yelling] - [Dudenoff] Yes! Yes! 662 00:28:49,479 --> 00:28:53,191 And then, I want you to cash my social security checks, 663 00:28:53,192 --> 00:28:56,278 and I want you to tell everybody I just moved to Portugal. 664 00:28:57,738 --> 00:28:58,739 [sighs] 665 00:28:59,740 --> 00:29:01,157 And you... 666 00:29:01,158 --> 00:29:03,160 you can't tell Helga. 667 00:29:03,994 --> 00:29:07,122 I'm just gonna record a message, you know, in case, uh, 668 00:29:07,748 --> 00:29:11,042 you know, she finds out, and then, she won't blame you. 669 00:29:11,043 --> 00:29:12,376 - We can call an ambulance. - Yeah-- 670 00:29:12,377 --> 00:29:14,963 No, come on, let me do this. Just let-- Just let me do this. 671 00:29:16,715 --> 00:29:19,133 Please. And then, you know, afterwards, 672 00:29:19,134 --> 00:29:21,094 then let's just all hug and shit, okay? 673 00:29:21,678 --> 00:29:23,304 Hey, so, Vince, come on. 674 00:29:23,305 --> 00:29:24,389 [snaps fingers] 675 00:29:24,973 --> 00:29:27,184 Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing. 676 00:29:28,185 --> 00:29:30,061 Come on. One take. 677 00:29:30,062 --> 00:29:33,564 [♪ somber music continues] 678 00:29:33,565 --> 00:29:35,566 - [clicks knob, film whirs] - [Alfonso] It's okay. 679 00:29:35,567 --> 00:29:36,984 It's okay. It's okay. 680 00:29:36,985 --> 00:29:38,529 [camera whirring] 681 00:29:42,658 --> 00:29:46,078 ♪ 682 00:29:46,286 --> 00:29:49,289 [projector whirring] 683 00:29:50,749 --> 00:29:53,544 [Dudenoff] [on film] Hey, Helga. I know you're angry. 684 00:29:54,628 --> 00:29:57,046 But, you know, you had such a, uh, 685 00:29:57,047 --> 00:30:00,425 hard time bouncing back after your dad that I-I had this... 686 00:30:01,593 --> 00:30:04,262 stupid thought that maybe I could... 687 00:30:04,263 --> 00:30:06,849 shield you from another death. 688 00:30:07,641 --> 00:30:08,683 But, if you're watching this, 689 00:30:08,684 --> 00:30:11,270 then, you know, my master plan has gone to hell. 690 00:30:12,604 --> 00:30:14,022 And, hopefully, I haven't. 691 00:30:14,690 --> 00:30:17,108 What can a guy do but try, right? 692 00:30:17,109 --> 00:30:19,194 Here's looking at you, kid. 693 00:30:21,071 --> 00:30:22,072 [film crackles] 694 00:30:23,073 --> 00:30:24,074 [projector clicking] 695 00:30:25,659 --> 00:30:28,286 - We're so sorry, baby. - [Helga sniffling] 696 00:30:28,287 --> 00:30:31,664 Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted, 697 00:30:31,665 --> 00:30:32,875 to keep us all together. 698 00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:35,126 [Vince] Move on back in with us. 699 00:30:35,127 --> 00:30:37,004 - Please. - Please. 700 00:30:37,671 --> 00:30:40,464 It is the only place in New York where I can have a pig. 701 00:30:40,465 --> 00:30:42,466 - [laughter] - [Mabel] Wait. 702 00:30:42,467 --> 00:30:45,720 Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend? 703 00:30:45,721 --> 00:30:47,013 That was another lie? 704 00:30:47,014 --> 00:30:49,473 Yeah, in addition to setting a human on fire, 705 00:30:49,474 --> 00:30:51,559 we also lied about me having a girlfriend. 706 00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:53,144 May God have mercy. 707 00:30:53,145 --> 00:30:55,772 - [♪ gentle music playing] - [Helga sniffles] 708 00:30:56,815 --> 00:30:57,816 [Mabel sighs] 709 00:31:00,611 --> 00:31:01,612 [Eva] Hmm. 710 00:31:04,364 --> 00:31:06,325 So, these are not murderers. 711 00:31:06,950 --> 00:31:08,160 [Eva] No, but... 712 00:31:08,911 --> 00:31:10,203 we've got one hell of a podcast. 713 00:31:10,204 --> 00:31:12,830 - [multitool clicks] - [Alfonso] [auto-tuned] And, yes, 714 00:31:12,831 --> 00:31:16,000 we've been keeping up the ruse and cashing his checks. 715 00:31:16,001 --> 00:31:17,211 Oh God. We're going to jail. 716 00:31:18,504 --> 00:31:19,795 - Well... - [clicks button] 717 00:31:19,796 --> 00:31:21,839 No, you're not. 718 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,178 Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos living in the Arconia. 719 00:31:27,554 --> 00:31:30,807 The podcast brought us together. I don't wanna use it to tear them apart. 720 00:31:32,142 --> 00:31:34,144 - [Westies murmuring] - [quietly] Bless you. 721 00:31:36,563 --> 00:31:39,774 So, humanity's more important to you than the podcast? 722 00:31:39,775 --> 00:31:41,151 - What a revelation. - [Eva] Hmm. 723 00:31:43,403 --> 00:31:47,156 Okay, what if it's not three losers, but, like, a family of losers 724 00:31:47,157 --> 00:31:50,619 who wants to make the world a better place before two of them die? 725 00:31:51,119 --> 00:31:52,578 That's one way to look at it. 726 00:31:52,579 --> 00:31:53,663 Yeah. Well, I have more. 727 00:31:53,664 --> 00:31:55,081 - You wanna hear more? - [Mabel] No thanks. 728 00:31:55,082 --> 00:31:57,334 Speaking of family, I should tell you 729 00:31:58,252 --> 00:32:00,294 that I had my assistant's assistant 730 00:32:00,295 --> 00:32:02,880 book you a wedding atop... 731 00:32:02,881 --> 00:32:05,883 the Empire State Building, encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons. 732 00:32:05,884 --> 00:32:07,844 - No, no. I-- - Don't worry. I-'m gonna... 733 00:32:07,845 --> 00:32:09,387 I'll pay for it. 734 00:32:09,388 --> 00:32:12,683 I wish I could tell you this gives me joy, but it doesn't. 735 00:32:13,684 --> 00:32:15,685 You are not the romantic I thought you were, 736 00:32:15,686 --> 00:32:18,271 and I don't know how I'm gonna play you 737 00:32:18,272 --> 00:32:20,356 or respect you. 738 00:32:20,357 --> 00:32:23,067 So, [sighs] here we are. 739 00:32:23,068 --> 00:32:25,653 Well, thank you, Zachary, for those... 740 00:32:25,654 --> 00:32:27,780 lovely words. But, 741 00:32:27,781 --> 00:32:31,493 Loretta and I shall marry here, in the Arconia. 742 00:32:31,994 --> 00:32:33,787 This is where we fell in love, 743 00:32:35,038 --> 00:32:36,706 and I want a marriage 744 00:32:36,707 --> 00:32:39,333 where we fall in love every day 745 00:32:39,334 --> 00:32:42,129 for the rest of our very long lives. 746 00:32:43,463 --> 00:32:44,922 You... 747 00:32:44,923 --> 00:32:47,049 adorable baloney loaf. 748 00:32:47,050 --> 00:32:48,802 - [weak laugh] - You... 749 00:32:49,219 --> 00:32:51,387 beautiful bitchy... 750 00:32:51,388 --> 00:32:54,015 baloney loaf. 751 00:32:54,016 --> 00:32:55,725 Do you know what a baloney loaf is? 752 00:32:55,726 --> 00:32:56,810 Uh-- 753 00:32:58,020 --> 00:33:00,022 [♪ gentle music playing] 754 00:33:00,606 --> 00:33:02,524 You are a romantic. 755 00:33:03,108 --> 00:33:04,276 - [smacks] - [Oliver snorts] 756 00:33:05,110 --> 00:33:07,613 You got me in touch with my emotions. Thank you. 757 00:33:08,488 --> 00:33:10,781 Well, it was an honor playing a small part 758 00:33:10,782 --> 00:33:13,242 in bringing out your true self. 759 00:33:13,243 --> 00:33:15,870 And Charles, I won't alienate your audience 760 00:33:15,871 --> 00:33:18,749 - by putting any of it on film. - [elevator dings] 761 00:33:23,045 --> 00:33:24,546 - Bye. - Bye. 762 00:33:25,214 --> 00:33:26,215 Bye. 763 00:33:27,841 --> 00:33:29,842 - [Oliver sighs] - You good? 764 00:33:29,843 --> 00:33:31,637 [Mabel] Yeah, I'm good. 765 00:33:35,265 --> 00:33:38,935 [Dudenoff] Whether or not everyone makes it back to shore in the movie Lifeboat... 766 00:33:38,936 --> 00:33:42,856 ♪ 767 00:33:45,108 --> 00:33:47,110 ...I'll leave for you to discover. 768 00:33:48,612 --> 00:33:52,698 But what the film is really about is found families, 769 00:33:52,699 --> 00:33:55,284 fighting together for their survival 770 00:33:55,285 --> 00:33:58,704 in waters that can be really tough to get through 771 00:33:58,705 --> 00:34:00,206 if you're all alone. 772 00:34:00,207 --> 00:34:03,293 [♪ gentle music continues] 773 00:34:11,385 --> 00:34:14,554 [Mabel] In the end, there was no murder in the West Tower. 774 00:34:14,555 --> 00:34:16,722 Just a guy who moved to Portugal 775 00:34:16,723 --> 00:34:19,392 - and made a family out of strangers. - [recorder beeps] 776 00:34:19,393 --> 00:34:21,060 Well, found family, 777 00:34:21,061 --> 00:34:25,524 we buried a great podcast story and are back to square one. 778 00:34:25,941 --> 00:34:26,942 [drops cards] 779 00:34:27,943 --> 00:34:31,904 [sighs] Why can't we ever get a ding-dong when we run out of leads? 780 00:34:31,905 --> 00:34:33,364 [knocking on door] 781 00:34:33,365 --> 00:34:35,450 Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong! 782 00:34:35,993 --> 00:34:37,035 [Oliver sighs] 783 00:34:39,413 --> 00:34:41,205 - Think he's got any Gut Milk in there? - [door opens] 784 00:34:41,206 --> 00:34:43,791 I already checked the fridge. He just has beer. 785 00:34:43,792 --> 00:34:45,919 - [Hammy oinking] - Look who's here. 786 00:34:46,587 --> 00:34:49,005 Oh, hey, Helga. I see you got your pig back. 787 00:34:49,006 --> 00:34:52,884 Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man who reluctantly returned her to me. 788 00:34:52,885 --> 00:34:54,135 I think his name is Howard? 789 00:34:54,136 --> 00:34:55,678 [Hammy grunts] 790 00:34:55,679 --> 00:34:57,680 I didn't want to bring it up among the reunions, 791 00:34:57,681 --> 00:35:01,310 but I wanted to tell you something about your friend, Sazz. 792 00:35:02,102 --> 00:35:04,228 Wait. You actually knew her? 793 00:35:04,229 --> 00:35:06,397 Yes. She was on the ham radio, 794 00:35:06,398 --> 00:35:09,358 asking about all these huge plot holes you had in your podcast. 795 00:35:09,359 --> 00:35:11,319 - Not holes. - Oh! 796 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,822 You're how Sazz knew about all the West Tower stuff in her notes. 797 00:35:14,823 --> 00:35:16,574 There was another thing though. 798 00:35:16,575 --> 00:35:20,870 She talked about a stuntman on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma. 799 00:35:20,871 --> 00:35:23,289 She said he was her protégé, 800 00:35:23,290 --> 00:35:26,459 but that he had messed up pretty badly and he was harassing her. 801 00:35:26,460 --> 00:35:30,547 She said, "He's dangerous, and he's gonna be the death of me." 802 00:35:31,715 --> 00:35:34,425 - What's Project Ronkonkoma? - Check IMDb. 803 00:35:34,426 --> 00:35:36,511 - That's a website. - I know what IMDb is. 804 00:35:36,512 --> 00:35:38,346 My agent says he's gonna get me on it. 805 00:35:38,347 --> 00:35:40,932 Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma. 806 00:35:40,933 --> 00:35:42,433 Who's the stuntperson? 807 00:35:42,434 --> 00:35:44,644 Is it someone we can talk to? 808 00:35:44,645 --> 00:35:47,439 - Not exactly. - [Hammy oinks] 809 00:35:47,814 --> 00:35:50,942 [medical devices beeping, hissing] 810 00:35:50,943 --> 00:35:53,278 [♪ music building] 811 00:35:55,572 --> 00:35:58,575 [♪ dramatic music playing] 812 00:36:20,097 --> 00:36:23,559 ♪ 813 00:36:47,541 --> 00:36:48,624 [♪ music ends] 814 00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:51,628 [♪ fanfare playing]