1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:02,793
[Mabel Mora]
Who is Dudenoff?
2
00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:04,212
Do you know who's out to get me?
3
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:05,671
[Helga] [on radio]
The last person who came around
4
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,256
asking these questions got killed.
5
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:10,009
We're illegally subletting
rent-controlled apartments.
6
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,221
Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal.
We send him rent.
7
00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,722
The voice on the ham radio said--
8
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:17,225
- That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend,
- Your crazy ex-girlfriend.
9
00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:20,645
You may have heard about our little
"firearms moment" at the photo shoot.
10
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,812
- [gunshot]
- [people screaming]
11
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,022
It's Glen! He's still alive!
12
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,483
[Zach Galifianakis]
They got me in my fat!
13
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,401
Dudenoff? He's been cashing
social security checks
14
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,111
at a bodega on 125th Street.
15
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,905
[Mabel]
There's two left shoulders?
16
00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:34,075
Sazz's body wasn't the only one
in the incinerator.
17
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,786
It belongs... to Dudenoff.
18
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,788
Oliver, I wanna marry you.
19
00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:40,998
Whosever cashing
Dudenoff's checks is after you.
20
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,085
Your friend Howard says
he knows who killed Dudenoff.
21
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:46,671
Wasn't just one person cashing his checks.
22
00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:49,006
He found five different signatures
23
00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:51,050
- with one phone number.
- Hello?
24
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,219
[Howard gasps]
25
00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:55,347
They know.
26
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,144
[artillery exploding]
27
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:05,147
[Milton Dudenoff]
Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film
28
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:10,111
set entirely in a small boat
filled with disparate characters
29
00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:13,865
who learn how far they'd go
to survive the rough waters
30
00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,658
of their perilous circumstances.
31
00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,243
[♪ jaunty music playing]
32
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,828
In New York City,
33
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:23,624
a lifeboat can look a lot like
an affordable apartment in a nice building
34
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,751
on the Upper West Side.
35
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,211
[Vince Fish]
Can I go in this way?
36
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,296
[pedestrian]
Hey, taxi!
37
00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:29,380
[elevator doors shut]
38
00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:32,342
[♪ jaunty music continues]
39
00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:38,515
- [elevator dings]
- Well, I can make another tape. I c--
40
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:42,810
- Hey!
- Hey. Call-- call me back.
41
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,271
You got one of those fancy invites
from Dudenoff, too, huh?
42
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:48,024
Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery."
43
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,151
I think it was delivered by a raven.
44
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:53,238
- Is your eye okay?
- Yeah, it's probably just allergies.
45
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,990
Hey! You guys got an invite, too?
46
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,867
[laughs] Yeah. Check out this cardstock.
47
00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:00,954
He knows we can, like, text, right?
48
00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:03,623
Is someone gonna knock already?
49
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,334
[in European accent]
Wait for me! Wait for me!
50
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,419
- Helga!
- I brought my new girlfriend.
51
00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:10,087
I hope that is okay.
52
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,632
Of course.
Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker?
53
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,467
[Inez]
Piggy in a blanket!
54
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,844
[Hammy squeals]
55
00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:19,597
Oh, hell!
56
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,390
Look who it is.
57
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,977
Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.
58
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,979
I'm about to change your lives.
59
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,066
[♪ lively theme song playing]
60
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:33,153
[♪ vocalizing]
61
00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:13,318
[♪ theme song fades out]
62
00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:18,198
- [♪ curious music playing]
- [car engine starting]
63
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:21,242
[Charles-Haden Savage]
One thing about choosing a safe house
64
00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:22,411
filled with your family.
65
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,371
[Oliver Putnam]
What's that, Charles?
66
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,541
[Charles] It makes going home to a
building full of murderers more appealing.
67
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,210
- [car sputtering]
- [Oliver grunts]
68
00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,132
- [car hissing, rattling]
- [Mabel] Seriously?
69
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,886
[Oliver] [coughing gags]
Okay, just put-- [sighs]
70
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:43,055
[sighs] No, no, no.
Charles, use your hips.
71
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,391
Up and around like a hula hoop.
Do this thing.
72
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,351
- [Charles] It's not helping.
- Would you just let me?
73
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,438
No, I can do it. It's just a problem
with the, uh, th-the fuselage.
74
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:52,815
How do neither of you know how
to pop the hood of a car?
75
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:56,569
- Because real men hire other men, Mabel.
- Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away,
76
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,447
and it's good to leave them something
to do 'cause it makes 'em happy.
77
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:02,534
- You're a real philanthropist. Hang on.
- [musical ring tone]
78
00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:05,870
[groans] They're calling again! Ignore!
79
00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:08,831
- [Oliver mutters, sniffs]
- Well, while we're waiting,
80
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:10,833
we should probably do a recap.
81
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,460
Here's what we know so far.
82
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:15,254
This Dudenoff guy has a bunch
of rent-controlled units,
83
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,173
and he moved the Westies in.
84
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:21,010
Then, even though they need him alive
to keep their homes,
85
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:23,012
they kill and burn him.
86
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,014
And then, they cash
his checks to cover it up.
87
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:29,060
And when poor Sazz caught onto them,
they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment.
88
00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,853
And then, they shot at me, barely missing
89
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,147
the most essential person
to our investigative work.
90
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,191
I can't believe Vince Fish would do this!
91
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,859
He was my Wordle buddy!
92
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,779
- [ringtone plays]
- Oh! [growls] Hold on.
93
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,406
Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now.
94
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:43,824
- [FaceTime answers]
- Hello?
95
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,828
Hey, guys! So the sexy half
of this crime-solving sextet
96
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,330
has some thoughts.
97
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,332
Don't you have to go to rehearsal?
98
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,876
Now that we know that we're indispensable,
we cannot leave you alone.
99
00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,962
We are professional investigators,
100
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,172
and you are playing us
in a movie because of it!
101
00:04:58,173 --> 00:04:59,632
We are fine on our own!
102
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,884
Hey, can we just, uh,
mute you for a second?
103
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,803
If you're muting us, we're muting you!
104
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,556
[Zach] [on phone]
Okay, good. Muting each other.
105
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,223
[Zach sighs]
106
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,933
Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this?
107
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,102
Uh, y-you didn't mute us.
108
00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:13,938
Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now.
109
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:16,732
- What happened? I'm muted. [snorts]
- [Eva Longoria] No, we can still hear you.
110
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,068
Tell you what? Let's just not mute!
111
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:21,112
[over phone]
We need to find someplace safe to plan.
112
00:05:21,113 --> 00:05:23,155
Anywhere but the Arconia.
113
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,740
[♪ curious music playing]
114
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,368
Okay. I know just the place.
115
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:28,911
[car hissing]
116
00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,372
♪
117
00:05:32,709 --> 00:05:34,750
Okay, but how do we get a confession?
118
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:38,087
Well, I have an idea,
but it involves someone.
119
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,715
- Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza--
- It's Tony Danza.
120
00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,759
Eugene, can we go one day
without you mentioning Tony Danza?
121
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,886
[production set chatter]
122
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:45,971
[Mabel]
Hey, look.
123
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:50,391
[Oliver gasps, laughs weakly]
124
00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,186
[Charles]
How could my character live here?
125
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,771
The albums, not alphabetized.
126
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,106
Oh! Nice.
127
00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:00,985
Nice.
A first edition touching a second edition!
128
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:03,322
Yeah, brilliant. That's really good.
129
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,324
Oh, really?
130
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,911
- [Oliver] Oh.
- [Zach] Okay.
131
00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:11,871
So, we bust in on the Westies
with two celebrities
132
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,581
- and Eugene.
- [Eva] Mm-hmm.
133
00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:14,665
Then, what?
134
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,125
It's almost go-time on the movie,
135
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,085
so I'm gonna pump my cheeks
while we spitball.
136
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,129
- Can we get back to my idea for a minute?
- [Zach exhales]
137
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,214
Because it's so simple.
138
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,841
We invite the Westies to, yes,
139
00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:26,344
Tony Danza's 35th annual
140
00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:28,804
"It's Time To Wear White Pants
Extrava-Danza."
141
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:32,558
Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of
Who's the Boss?
142
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,936
- I don't care. It's okay.
- [Oliver] Oh.
143
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:37,522
Then, we tell the Sauce Family
that Tony wants
144
00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:40,233
to start his own line of sauces called
145
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:41,609
"Who's the Sauce?"
146
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,445
The Westies will then spill their story
147
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:48,699
on account of Danza's, uh,
neighborhood wise-guy charisma.
148
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,369
- Danza's the perfect plan-za.
- Mm.
149
00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:52,745
I love it. I love it.
150
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,081
I would change it slightly
and maybe not do it.
151
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,585
And instead,
surprise them with a ding-dong.
152
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,255
- Wh-What...?
- Uh, say more about the ding-dong.
153
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:06,133
In soapy TV,
a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise.
154
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,886
It's like a-a long-lost brother returns,
155
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:11,264
or, uh, your paralyzed uncle
156
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,349
starts to walk again after 40 years.
157
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,851
Y-You're overthinking it.
158
00:07:14,852 --> 00:07:17,937
One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff,
and the others are covering for 'em.
159
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,438
All we need to do is get them talking.
160
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,524
I say that we invite the Westies
161
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:24,110
to a celebrity-studded...
162
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,487
super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's.
163
00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:27,822
That's good.
164
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,199
Right. Our own turf.
The key is to remain calm.
165
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,160
Well, having precise control
of our emotions
166
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,162
is what actors do best.
167
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,873
Yeah, the question is can you three do it?
168
00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:38,916
First of all, I am an actor!
169
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,042
Well, let's not go crazy.
170
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:43,838
But also, I'm entirely capable
of catching the killer of my dear friend
171
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:46,884
who only wanted to open
a trampoline park so young--
172
00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,472
I need to lie down.
173
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,184
[production set chatter continues]
174
00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:59,229
Where the fuck is my bedroom?!
175
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,856
- [Oliver growls]
- [♪ gentle plucky music playing]
176
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:03,983
[Mabel]
I hope Charles can hold it together.
177
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,445
Confronting a friend's killer
just brings up a lotta shit.
178
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:10,032
[device buzzing]
179
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,117
[Oliver growls]
180
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,869
Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores
181
00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:18,915
with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool.
182
00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:20,500
This is the infrared setting.
183
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,293
Yeah, it's also a nail gun,
184
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:25,296
has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head.
185
00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:27,924
- [Oliver laughs]
- [cell phone ringing]
186
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,926
- Hello?
- [Loretta Durkin] [on phone] Hi!
187
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,720
- Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée.
- [Loretta giggles]
188
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:35,806
We're getting married
this weekend! [laughs]
189
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,683
[in Cary Grant impression]
Hello, my darling love.
190
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,768
This weekend?
191
00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:41,854
I know, he's a little old
to have a shotgun wedding.
192
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,942
Yeah. More like a musket wedding.
[wheezing laugh]
193
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:48,695
Where did he go?
194
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,363
[multitool buzzing stops]
195
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:53,032
Hey, look, it's also a recorder.
196
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,117
[clicks button]
197
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,787
[sing-songy]
♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪
198
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,956
[recorder plays] [auto-tuned]
♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪
199
00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:02,834
It has auto-tune. [giggles]
You wanna try it?
200
00:09:02,835 --> 00:09:05,921
Uh, don't--
Definitely don't wanna touch that.
201
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,215
[clicks button, buzzing resumes]
202
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:09,924
- Yeah. Okay.
- [Loretta] Yeah.
203
00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:12,176
No, no, honey. I-I will--
I will handle it all.
204
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,303
- [Loretta] I can't believe we're here.
- I know. It's exciting.
205
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:15,763
Uh, no, I'll,
I'll make the arrangements.
206
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,431
Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye.
207
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:19,851
- [production set chatter]
- [Oliver sighs]
208
00:09:19,852 --> 00:09:20,936
[Zach]
Hey, that's my seat.
209
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,896
Oh! [laughs] Of course it is.
210
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,816
I, uh, I keep forgetting.
211
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,693
- Okay.
- We getting married this weekend?
212
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:29,986
I am.
213
00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:32,489
Please don't tell me
you're gonna do it at a courthouse.
214
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,449
Weddings demand spectacle.
215
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:38,286
Music, speeches, AK-47s
shot right up in the air.
216
00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,414
Zach, I didn't realize
you were a fellow romantic.
217
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,749
Weddings are the most
important part of a marriage.
218
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,334
My wife and I get married quarterly.
219
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:48,129
The venue sets the tone
for your life together.
220
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,464
When we want playfulness,
we get married at the beach.
221
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,341
If we've been fighting, then...
222
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,343
it's at the site of
an important armistice.
223
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,930
Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David.
224
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,348
We needed a lot of those.
225
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:02,935
- Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine.
- Oh, she's right. It's perfect
226
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,605
'cause you'll be right back there
for the divorce.
227
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:06,772
- Zach?
- Yes.
228
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,192
- We're rehearsing scene 13.
- Which one is that one?
229
00:10:09,193 --> 00:10:11,986
The one where Oliver explains
why his previous marriage failed.
230
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,447
Oh.
231
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,241
- [set bell rings]
- [set chatter continues]
232
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,452
Are you okay, Charles?
233
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,914
I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry.
234
00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:26,502
And to be honest, it would layer
my performance if I could, uh,
235
00:10:27,211 --> 00:10:28,753
see what it looks like.
236
00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:31,005
Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no,
237
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:33,007
uh, you'll not see what it looks like
238
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,676
because it's not socially acceptable.
239
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,303
Eugene, you wanna practice
flipping omelets?
240
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,805
Oh, the infamous omelet bit.
Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks.
241
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,182
I'll, uh, practice. Anyway,
242
00:10:41,183 --> 00:10:44,060
I'm curious. I mean,
a-are-are you a yeller?
243
00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:46,562
- Do you get violent?
- Oh, no. Worse.
244
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,814
But it hasn't happened
in decades because of my
245
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,275
emotion suppression technique,
246
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:55,071
which involves breathing and a lot of,
247
00:10:55,072 --> 00:10:57,157
uh, room straightening.
248
00:10:58,450 --> 00:10:59,451
[omelet splats]
249
00:10:59,952 --> 00:11:00,953
[Charles gasps]
250
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:09,877
[♪ gentle plucky music playing]
251
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,421
There you go.
252
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,131
[Eugene clears throat]
253
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,133
This bother you?
254
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,637
- No.
- This bother you?
255
00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:22,598
- No.
- [Eugene Levy] Does this bother you?
256
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,141
Why are you doing that?
257
00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,602
- Does this...
- [Charles yelps]
258
00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:32,484
♪
259
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,363
[quiet street noise]
260
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,906
Okay, they'll be here any minute.
261
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,367
Now, I know we're all running hot.
We have a podcast,
262
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,953
two murders, a wedding,
263
00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:45,204
but we're gonna stay calm.
264
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,415
Well, we can stay calm way more
than you can stay calm.
265
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:50,043
- It's not a competition.
- It's now a competition.
266
00:11:50,586 --> 00:11:52,795
I've set my sphincter to clenching,
267
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,298
- unclenching, re-clenching.
- [knocking on door]
268
00:11:55,299 --> 00:11:57,384
- It's them. It's them.
- Okay. Okay.
269
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,679
Maybe I could throw together
a wedding booze cruise.
270
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,347
That's the blueprint
you want for your marriage?
271
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,183
You're freezing, you end up nowhere,
272
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:06,601
and the maid of honor fucks the skipper?
273
00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,519
- [knocking on door]
- [Oliver snorts]
274
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,772
- [Charles] Come on, come on, come on.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
275
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:14,693
[knocking]
276
00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:19,030
Oh, hell-o!
277
00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,406
[laughter]
278
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,033
We brought snacks.
279
00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:24,452
[Inez]
Can't play cards without jamón!
280
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,162
[Alfonso]
That's right, mami.
281
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,705
Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming.
282
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,540
We figured we'd host
since it's a big group.
283
00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:32,376
Ah, please.
Any friends of yours are friends of ours.
284
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,712
Especially if they're Hollywood stars.
285
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:37,465
- [laughter]
- You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch,
286
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:39,509
but I'm winking playfully.
287
00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:40,593
[laughter]
288
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,220
- [door slams, lock clicks]
- [Mabel and Eva gasp]
289
00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:43,429
Let's go.
290
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,555
[knife slices]
291
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,516
We know you know about the checks.
292
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:48,601
Give us your phones now!
293
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,437
[♪ dramatic music playing]
294
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,522
[Oliver grumbles]
295
00:12:52,523 --> 00:12:54,524
♪
296
00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:55,608
[Eva mutters]
297
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:58,737
♪
298
00:13:01,787 --> 00:13:03,908
[♪ suspenseful music playing]
299
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,494
- So, what's your move now, Vince?
- [Vince] You're gonna sit there,
300
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:08,538
you're gonna listen to our story.
301
00:13:08,539 --> 00:13:10,457
Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm.
302
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:13,960
Although killers do always tell you
their story before they kill you.
303
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:18,464
They're gonna try to humanize themselves
with long origin stories.
304
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,842
Exactly. Like if we had gone through that,
305
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,802
we would've killed
and eaten Dudenoff, too.
306
00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,264
- We didn't eat him.
- Yeah, but you killed him, right?
307
00:13:27,099 --> 00:13:29,101
Okay. So,
308
00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:31,895
Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant.
309
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:35,398
Milton and his wife were regulars,
until she passed.
310
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:37,942
Then, he started ordering in.
311
00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:41,445
And when we were understaffed,
we delivered to him on our way home.
312
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,614
Oh, hell!
- [indistinct chatter]
313
00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,908
[Ana]
He looked so alone in his little studio.
314
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:49,453
[Inez] He invited us in.
We started playing cards.
315
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:52,039
[Alfonso]
Oh Hell on Friday nights.
316
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,875
It started to become a regular thing.
317
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,085
- [Dudenoff] Please, please.
- Okay. So, the, uh,
318
00:13:56,086 --> 00:14:00,131
the secret ingredient here
is Jamón Ibérico.
319
00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:03,718
- Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do.
- [Alfonso] Oh, thank you.
320
00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:05,595
Our dream, actually, is to, uh,
321
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:08,639
start our own line of sauces.
And I-I know this sounds crazy,
322
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,184
but Tony Danza would be an investor.
323
00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:12,268
[soft laughter]
324
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:13,519
[Eugene]
So, you killed him
325
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:18,399
because he didn't deliver
the last piece of the dream?
326
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,318
Don't say Tony Danza.
327
00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:22,236
Sauce Dad said it first!
328
00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:23,905
- We didn't kill him!
- Never.
329
00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:25,781
- Yeah. We definitely did not kill him.
- We loved him.
330
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:28,409
- Then, Crazy Rudy killed him.
- Crazy? Me?
331
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:31,787
[♪ "Deck The Halls" playing from sweater]
332
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:32,914
[Rudy sighs]
333
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,875
I don't know why I keep
replacing the battery.
334
00:14:36,001 --> 00:14:37,377
Lovely.
335
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:40,588
I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago.
336
00:14:40,589 --> 00:14:42,215
I was trying to be an actor,
337
00:14:42,216 --> 00:14:45,009
I was holding down five jobs,
and I signed up for his class.
338
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,511
I remember my first acting class.
339
00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:47,929
It was a film class.
340
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:51,015
It was in a closet of a basement
of a subway stop.
341
00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,976
Most of my scene partners
were sex workers.
342
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:55,311
[Rudy Thurber]
Okay. [clears throat]
343
00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:59,148
One day, we watched A Few Good Men
in Professor Dudenoff's class.
344
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:01,609
I ran up to him afterwards on the street,
and I said,
345
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:05,112
I'd studied a monologue from
that film for my previous class.
346
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,740
He asked me to do it, and I did.
347
00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:10,743
I did the whole thing,
right there at the bus stop.
348
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,037
- It went something like this.
- Oh...
349
00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,789
"You want answers?"
"I think I'm entitled."
350
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,666
"You want answers?"
"I want the truth!"
351
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,835
- "You can't handle the truth!
- [Oliver mouthing along]
352
00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:20,336
"Son, we live in a world that has walls,
353
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,380
"and those walls need to be
guarded by men with guns.
354
00:15:22,381 --> 00:15:23,464
"Who's gonna do it? You?
355
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,132
"You, Lieutenant Weinberg?
356
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,259
I have a greater respons--"
357
00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,219
I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do
the whole monologue?
358
00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:31,223
Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing.
I think it's worth it.
359
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,601
"I have a greater responsibility
than you can possibly fathom!
360
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,228
"You weep for Santiago...
Saves lives...
361
00:15:37,229 --> 00:15:41,107
"My existence, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
362
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:42,775
"You don't want the truth
because, deep down,
363
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,819
"in places you don't
talk about at parties,
364
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,654
"you want me on that wall!
365
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:48,322
"You need me on that wall...
366
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:50,449
"Otherwise, I suggest you pick up
a weapon and stand a post.
367
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:54,203
Either way, I don't give a damn
what you think you're entitled to!"
368
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:56,581
"Did you order the code red?"
"I did the job."
369
00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:59,333
"Did you order the code red?"
"You're goddamn right I did!"
370
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,628
- Oh... Oh, that was wonderful.
- [Rudy panting]
371
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:03,713
♪
372
00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:04,922
I blew his socks off.
373
00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:08,426
And he invited me back
to his place at the Arconia.
374
00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:10,511
- That's my jam.
- And this? What's this?
375
00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,597
Uh, that is a ham radio.
376
00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:14,140
What do you do with a ham radio?
377
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:17,101
No, it's just-- it's just a hobby,
you know? A-And a very...
378
00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:19,604
[Rudy] Of course,
I got my own ham radio.
379
00:16:19,605 --> 00:16:21,272
And ultimately, we all did.
380
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:23,441
And Professor Dudenoff looked at me.
381
00:16:23,442 --> 00:16:24,817
He said...
382
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,944
You know, you're really very good, Rudy.
383
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,905
Thank you. That...
384
00:16:28,906 --> 00:16:29,990
That means a lot to me.
385
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,075
[sighing]
386
00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:34,661
Let me ask you somethin'.
387
00:16:35,204 --> 00:16:38,332
If your life were a movie,
388
00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,918
what would be your happy ending?
389
00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:44,462
And that's when he touched
your Santa sack,
390
00:16:44,463 --> 00:16:45,630
and you had your "happy ending."
391
00:16:45,631 --> 00:16:47,423
- [Mabel] Eva!
- [Eva] What?
392
00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,550
[Rudy]
No! I said I wanted to stay in the city,
393
00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:51,886
keep performing, keep trying,
394
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:55,431
and live with fewer roommates
who use towels as toilet paper.
395
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,934
That was my dream.
396
00:16:57,935 --> 00:17:01,020
So, Charles, that leaves
397
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,772
your "friend" Vince.
398
00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:05,942
He exposed you to pink eye,
and what did you get?
399
00:17:05,943 --> 00:17:07,443
Lies!
400
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:08,903
And, likely, pink eye.
401
00:17:08,904 --> 00:17:12,032
Come on, doesn't that make you... angry?
402
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,492
[Charles quietly wheezes]
403
00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:16,244
Oh, I'm fine.
404
00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:17,411
I'm suppressing,
405
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,580
and I'm suppressing, and suppressing,
406
00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:21,667
and I'm... good.
407
00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:25,503
Alright. Since none of you seem
408
00:17:25,504 --> 00:17:27,965
to be on the verge of a psychotic break.
409
00:17:28,841 --> 00:17:30,842
Before my wife died, she made me promise
410
00:17:30,843 --> 00:17:33,719
that I wouldn't turn into
one of those weird lonely old men.
411
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,596
Now, we both loved movies,
412
00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:38,850
so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer
for his film class,
413
00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:42,979
I thought that this way was her way
of telling me to go out and make friends.
414
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:45,565
But, oh, those kids...
415
00:17:45,566 --> 00:17:49,360
[♪ "Auld Lang Syne" playing]
416
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:53,407
♪ Lang... Syne! ♪
417
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,617
- [♪ song ends]
- [Dudenoff] You know, the reason
418
00:17:56,618 --> 00:18:02,624
It's A Wonderful Life is timeless
comes down to one thing.
419
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:06,502
Casting. You know,
420
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:09,590
if you can populate your story
421
00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:11,800
with the right people,
422
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,719
your work will live forever.
423
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,430
[sighs]
Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless.
424
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,223
It's pro-capitalist gaslighting!
425
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,892
George Bailey's life still sucks,
426
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:23,478
- and Potter just gets away with it.
- [Vince] [emotional] No!
427
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,022
No, you missed the point! [sniffles]
428
00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:28,608
George ends up with his family.
Potter's all alone.
429
00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:30,776
- I like being alone.
- [scattered laughter]
430
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,863
Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience.
431
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,824
[sniffles] But being really alone?
432
00:18:37,326 --> 00:18:39,952
There's nothing worse.
You don't smile, you don't laugh,
433
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,997
you stop caring about
what food tastes like 'cause...
434
00:18:42,998 --> 00:18:44,082
[sniffles]
435
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:47,710
you still wake up alone again without her.
436
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:48,794
Every class...
437
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,088
But Dudenoff, him I liked.
438
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:53,591
"...hates poor people.
This movie hates trees."
439
00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,259
Why do they have to be
so mad all the time?
440
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,929
- This world's a dumpster fire.
- [Vince] It sure is.
441
00:18:57,930 --> 00:19:00,473
In this city, you know, kid,
442
00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:04,685
you can't even afford an apartment
unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it.
443
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:08,105
- And why can't a movie just be a movie?
- [Dudenoff sighs]
444
00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:10,066
[♪ soft music playing]
445
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:12,235
Jack Lemmon in The Apartment.
I-I-I didn't know that...
446
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:14,737
[Vince] And he invited me
to join his weekly card game.
447
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,197
[Dudenoff]
I-I feel empathetic.
448
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,783
[Vince] I had no idea
why he knew we'd click...
449
00:19:18,784 --> 00:19:20,117
[muffled chatter]
450
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:22,578
- ...but we did.
- [Rudy chuckles]
451
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:25,748
His wife had been a music teacher.
Back when the city was cheap,
452
00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:28,209
whenever a unit would
open up on their floor,
453
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:31,462
they would grab it. You know,
she'd use it for music classes or,
454
00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:35,008
you know, uh, let a kid stay there
if he was going through tough times.
455
00:19:35,759 --> 00:19:36,759
But with her gone,
456
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:41,014
Professor Dudenoff was living
amid, um, an empty hallway.
457
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:44,059
He just couldn't bear to
give up those apartments.
458
00:19:45,561 --> 00:19:48,355
And one night,
after many hours of Oh Hell,
459
00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:54,235
he decided that
he wasn't going to turn into
460
00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:57,322
one of those weird lonely old men.
461
00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:00,868
He broke the law for us,
462
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,370
so that we could have
a chance at our dreams.
463
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,163
But he had a dream, too.
464
00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:07,624
To live in Portugal.
465
00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:10,169
And he left. And, no,
466
00:20:10,836 --> 00:20:14,213
- we haven't heard from him since.
- [Alfonso] And, yes,
467
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,674
we've been keeping up the ruse and...
468
00:20:16,675 --> 00:20:19,219
cashing his checks.
469
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,888
So that's the whole thing?
470
00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:25,016
Yeah, we could do it again if you like.
I could do a comedy version if you want--
471
00:20:25,017 --> 00:20:26,434
[overlapping "Nos"]
472
00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:28,186
- Thank you.
- [Oliver] Oh God, no.
473
00:20:28,187 --> 00:20:30,480
- Okay, I think we're done here.
- [doorbell rings]
474
00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:32,482
Not yet.
475
00:20:34,151 --> 00:20:35,693
It's ding-dong time.
476
00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:38,112
[gasps] You pulled a ding-dong?
477
00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:39,447
- It was a good idea.
- [door opens]
478
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:40,532
[♪ tense sting]
479
00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:43,744
- [door shuts]
- [♪ suspenseful music playing]
480
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,122
- [Westies gasp]
- Helga?!
481
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,707
What are you doing here?
482
00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:52,710
Mabel reached out on the ham radio.
483
00:20:52,711 --> 00:20:54,922
I'm here to tell the truth.
484
00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:58,175
We can't handle the truth.
485
00:21:01,388 --> 00:21:03,888
[♪ curious music playing]
486
00:21:03,889 --> 00:21:05,848
[Charles]
You're Helga?
487
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,892
I imagined you toothless with a club.
488
00:21:07,893 --> 00:21:10,228
[scoffs] Disregard him, Helga.
489
00:21:10,229 --> 00:21:13,232
His brain is covered with plaque.
Please go on.
490
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:17,860
I-I first met Dudenoff
when I'd just become a locksmith,
491
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,654
which was my childhood dream.
492
00:21:19,655 --> 00:21:20,738
Wait? Really?
493
00:21:20,739 --> 00:21:24,116
No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot.
494
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,996
So, my father died
and left me the business.
495
00:21:28,747 --> 00:21:32,250
He was all I had until I met Dudenoff.
496
00:21:32,251 --> 00:21:35,838
[♪ muffled "Perfect Strangers"
theme song playing]
497
00:21:37,381 --> 00:21:38,841
[♪ Dudenoff humming along]
498
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,133
[sings]
♪ Standing tall ♪
499
00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:43,052
You know, it's before your time,
500
00:21:43,053 --> 00:21:44,637
but that's the theme song to--
501
00:21:44,638 --> 00:21:47,181
It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know.
502
00:21:47,182 --> 00:21:48,642
Yes.
503
00:21:49,393 --> 00:21:51,269
- Yeah.
- You know, I've never met anyone
504
00:21:51,270 --> 00:21:52,980
- who loses their keys this often.
- [lock clicks]
505
00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:57,483
Some people your age
put it on a retractable belt...
506
00:21:57,484 --> 00:22:00,529
It's not dementia.
I always lose my keys. I--
507
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:04,615
My wife used to let me in, but...
508
00:22:04,616 --> 00:22:07,703
[♪ theme song continues]
509
00:22:08,996 --> 00:22:11,539
- Okay!
- [lock buzzes]
510
00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:13,291
- Ah, look at that.
- [Helga] So, uh,
511
00:22:13,292 --> 00:22:16,003
what is a code that someone
your age can remember?
512
00:22:17,921 --> 00:22:20,631
[sighs] How about, um,
513
00:22:20,632 --> 00:22:21,800
"Oh Hell"?
514
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,051
Wait, like the card game?
515
00:22:24,052 --> 00:22:25,803
- You know it?
- [Helga] My father and I
516
00:22:25,804 --> 00:22:27,555
used to play all the time.
517
00:22:27,556 --> 00:22:29,558
I haven't since he died.
518
00:22:30,142 --> 00:22:31,851
[sighs] I'm sorry,
519
00:22:31,852 --> 00:22:34,187
you just look so much like him.
520
00:22:34,188 --> 00:22:35,897
Except, uh, he was tall.
521
00:22:35,898 --> 00:22:38,024
And blonde. And hot.
522
00:22:38,025 --> 00:22:39,109
[Dudenoff chuckles]
523
00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:43,280
Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers.
524
00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:45,574
Huh...
525
00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:49,368
You know, uh,
526
00:22:49,369 --> 00:22:51,662
we have this little
card game Friday nights.
527
00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:53,664
[Helga]
And that is how I met the gang.
528
00:22:53,665 --> 00:22:56,209
- Why not?
- [Alfonso] Mm! Mm!
529
00:22:56,210 --> 00:22:58,836
[Helga]
Yeah, I was there, too.
530
00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:01,130
I'm sure they didn't mention that.
531
00:23:01,131 --> 00:23:03,299
- Wow.
- [Alfonso] Yeah!
532
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:05,635
[Helga] At first,
they were the nicest group of people
533
00:23:05,636 --> 00:23:07,762
I had met in New York City,
534
00:23:07,763 --> 00:23:10,765
a place I'd always wanted to call home.
535
00:23:10,766 --> 00:23:13,351
[Inez]
Helga, so where do you live, honey?
536
00:23:13,352 --> 00:23:15,061
Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel.
537
00:23:15,062 --> 00:23:17,271
It's only 85 train stops away.
538
00:23:17,272 --> 00:23:18,814
You'd love it.
539
00:23:18,815 --> 00:23:21,734
Then, he gave us these
nice cheap apartments,
540
00:23:21,735 --> 00:23:24,153
and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers
541
00:23:24,154 --> 00:23:26,656
into a family.
542
00:23:26,657 --> 00:23:28,741
But a few years later...
543
00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:30,743
[♪ somber music playing]
544
00:23:30,744 --> 00:23:32,246
...he was gone.
545
00:23:33,247 --> 00:23:34,248
[keys jingle]
546
00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:38,209
Said he felt bad doing it in a note,
547
00:23:38,210 --> 00:23:40,837
but he'd had enough of goodbyes.
548
00:23:40,838 --> 00:23:42,130
He was off to Portugal.
549
00:23:42,881 --> 00:23:46,927
After helping us with our dreams,
he wanted to live his.
550
00:23:47,344 --> 00:23:49,637
- [power snaps, whirs down]
- [♪ music stops suddenly]
551
00:23:49,638 --> 00:23:51,722
- [lights click, power whirs back]
- [♪ music restarts]
552
00:23:51,723 --> 00:23:55,643
I knew the power only surged
when the old incinerator was used,
553
00:23:55,644 --> 00:23:58,646
but I didn't suspect anything. Yet...
554
00:23:58,647 --> 00:23:59,856
[podcast playing on phone]
555
00:23:59,857 --> 00:24:03,484
Suddenly, we all went from
talking every day to nothing.
556
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:05,236
Total silence.
557
00:24:05,237 --> 00:24:07,655
And then, your podcast started.
558
00:24:07,656 --> 00:24:09,407
[Mabel] [on podcast]
One thing was for sure.
559
00:24:09,408 --> 00:24:12,076
Someone in the Arconia
was hiding something.
560
00:24:12,077 --> 00:24:14,829
[Oliver] [on podcast] A homicidal freak
who poisoned a perfect,
561
00:24:14,830 --> 00:24:16,331
if gassy, dog.
562
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:20,168
[Helga]
Everyone was acting so secretive.
563
00:24:20,169 --> 00:24:21,252
Helga!
564
00:24:21,253 --> 00:24:23,004
[Helga]
I listened to the podcast.
565
00:24:23,005 --> 00:24:24,881
All those unexplained things
566
00:24:24,882 --> 00:24:27,258
someone in the building
was doing to scare you.
567
00:24:27,259 --> 00:24:31,596
What if it was them trying to
cover up what they had done?
568
00:24:31,597 --> 00:24:33,264
Let's play cards.
569
00:24:33,265 --> 00:24:35,683
[Helga]
And I started to wonder.
570
00:24:35,684 --> 00:24:37,768
[group murmuring]
571
00:24:37,769 --> 00:24:38,936
Please.
572
00:24:38,937 --> 00:24:41,731
[Helga]
Why did the power surge that night?
573
00:24:41,732 --> 00:24:45,777
I couldn't prove they had anything
to do with Dudenoff's disappearance,
574
00:24:47,362 --> 00:24:49,155
but I knew in my bones
575
00:24:49,156 --> 00:24:50,823
I had to move out.
576
00:24:50,824 --> 00:24:52,033
They killed him!
577
00:24:52,034 --> 00:24:53,492
- [Inez gasps]
- We didn't!
578
00:24:53,493 --> 00:24:56,412
- No, no! He went to Portugal.
- Dead men don't send ham!
579
00:24:56,413 --> 00:24:58,414
Then, what's this?
580
00:24:58,415 --> 00:24:59,957
I can't see.
581
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:01,959
I actually don't know. What is that?
582
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,295
- Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder.
- [all gasp]
583
00:25:04,296 --> 00:25:07,507
It was in the incinerator.
You killed and burned him that night.
584
00:25:07,508 --> 00:25:09,967
And when Sazz figured it out,
you killed and burned her, too.
585
00:25:09,968 --> 00:25:12,803
And when we tried to look into that,
you tried to kill me!
586
00:25:12,804 --> 00:25:15,723
Yeah, another way to put that
is you actually shot me.
587
00:25:15,724 --> 00:25:18,309
What are we doing? What are we doing?
What are we doing?
588
00:25:18,310 --> 00:25:19,853
These people are murderers!
589
00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:24,315
I'm tired of being the nice guy here
with no temper!
590
00:25:24,316 --> 00:25:26,817
I'm a Canadian man connected
591
00:25:26,818 --> 00:25:29,195
to his rage right now!
592
00:25:29,196 --> 00:25:32,449
And [laughs] God, it feels so good!
593
00:25:33,408 --> 00:25:35,952
Charles, tantrum with me.
594
00:25:35,953 --> 00:25:37,662
No, no, no.
595
00:25:37,663 --> 00:25:40,665
They incinerated your friend, Charles.
596
00:25:40,666 --> 00:25:44,001
- And then plied you with word games...
- No. [laughs] No. No.
597
00:25:44,002 --> 00:25:46,547
...from the New York Times!
598
00:25:49,216 --> 00:25:51,384
[gasping, quiet wheezing]
599
00:25:51,385 --> 00:25:54,095
[♪ curious music playing]
600
00:25:54,096 --> 00:25:55,848
- So far, I'm underwhelmed.
- [coasters clatter]
601
00:25:56,765 --> 00:25:58,474
[gasping breaths]
602
00:25:58,475 --> 00:25:59,934
[Oliver]
Uh-huh...
603
00:25:59,935 --> 00:26:02,311
- [barely audible wheezing]
- Yes. Interesting.
604
00:26:02,312 --> 00:26:04,313
Is this how I find out he's a mime?
605
00:26:04,314 --> 00:26:06,816
No, no, no. We can't hear him,
but I'm so tuned into his character,
606
00:26:06,817 --> 00:26:09,694
I can feel his words. He's saying...
607
00:26:09,695 --> 00:26:11,988
[barely audible wheezing]
608
00:26:11,989 --> 00:26:13,866
..."These people killed Sazz!
609
00:26:14,741 --> 00:26:17,578
"I am steamed... and put out!
610
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,454
- To some degree."
- [Vince] Oh, the hell with this!
611
00:26:20,455 --> 00:26:22,332
- Gimme that! Helga!
- [indistinct yelling]
612
00:26:23,417 --> 00:26:26,627
You're not the only one who got a note
the night that Dudenoff died.
613
00:26:26,628 --> 00:26:27,713
Now, everybody,
614
00:26:28,922 --> 00:26:30,716
come with me!
615
00:26:33,927 --> 00:26:36,930
[♪ mysterious music playing]
616
00:26:41,518 --> 00:26:43,520
We all got notes that night.
617
00:26:44,479 --> 00:26:46,481
Only ours were different.
618
00:26:49,067 --> 00:26:51,944
[Rudy] "You are cordially
invited to my funeral.
619
00:26:51,945 --> 00:26:54,239
Midnight, in the basement.
Don't tell Helga."
620
00:26:55,532 --> 00:26:57,742
- [Alfonso] What the fuck?
- Funeral?
621
00:26:57,743 --> 00:26:59,493
I don't like it.
622
00:26:59,494 --> 00:27:01,662
Come on. Let's go.
623
00:27:01,663 --> 00:27:04,540
- [Ana sighs]
- [Alfonso] Come on, come on.
624
00:27:04,541 --> 00:27:07,628
[♪ music building]
625
00:27:12,132 --> 00:27:13,633
[service elevator rattling]
626
00:27:13,634 --> 00:27:16,219
[overlapping chatter]
627
00:27:16,220 --> 00:27:18,679
Hey! Milton, what's going on?
628
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,933
- Hey-- Okay--
- [overlapping chatter continues]
629
00:27:21,934 --> 00:27:24,393
Hey, can I just talk?! Can I?
630
00:27:24,394 --> 00:27:25,645
- Yeah.
- Of course.
631
00:27:25,646 --> 00:27:27,104
[Dudenoff]
Uh, so,
632
00:27:27,105 --> 00:27:30,567
you know I'm always saying a movie
is only as good as its cast?
633
00:27:32,236 --> 00:27:34,738
Now, I'm just a teacher.
I never got to make...
634
00:27:35,364 --> 00:27:36,615
my own movie.
635
00:27:37,241 --> 00:27:38,741
But I'll tell you this.
636
00:27:38,742 --> 00:27:41,661
If our lives were a movie...
637
00:27:41,662 --> 00:27:43,371
[laughs]
638
00:27:43,372 --> 00:27:45,581
I cast the shit outta this one.
639
00:27:45,582 --> 00:27:47,042
[soft laughter]
640
00:27:48,335 --> 00:27:51,630
Professor, what exactly are we doing here?
641
00:27:52,297 --> 00:27:54,299
Well, uh...
642
00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:57,468
I-I have some medical news.
643
00:27:57,469 --> 00:27:59,555
[weak laugh] Um...
644
00:28:00,681 --> 00:28:02,265
I'm an old guy, so, you know,
645
00:28:02,266 --> 00:28:05,351
it's not like Terms of Endearment sad
or anything,
646
00:28:05,352 --> 00:28:08,145
but, you know, I-- Uh...
647
00:28:08,146 --> 00:28:10,022
they tell me I've, uh,
only got a few months.
648
00:28:10,023 --> 00:28:11,649
- [shocked chatter]
- And so--
649
00:28:11,650 --> 00:28:15,403
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, you know, when I'm gone...
650
00:28:15,404 --> 00:28:17,363
[♪ somber music playing]
651
00:28:17,364 --> 00:28:20,658
...uh, this building,
they're gonna swoop in and,
652
00:28:20,659 --> 00:28:24,370
you know, tear our cast apart. But,
653
00:28:24,371 --> 00:28:26,664
I have a workaround.
654
00:28:26,665 --> 00:28:28,250
And, uh...
655
00:28:30,544 --> 00:28:34,506
and it's that you will all keep me alive.
656
00:28:36,091 --> 00:28:37,842
W-Well, I mean, actually no
657
00:28:37,843 --> 00:28:41,429
'cause I've just taken
a hell of a lot of pills.
658
00:28:41,430 --> 00:28:42,722
[shocked chatter]
659
00:28:42,723 --> 00:28:45,016
I want you, tonight,
660
00:28:45,017 --> 00:28:47,518
to put my body in the incinerator!
661
00:28:47,519 --> 00:28:49,478
- [all yelling]
- [Dudenoff] Yes! Yes!
662
00:28:49,479 --> 00:28:53,191
And then, I want you to cash
my social security checks,
663
00:28:53,192 --> 00:28:56,278
and I want you to tell everybody
I just moved to Portugal.
664
00:28:57,738 --> 00:28:58,739
[sighs]
665
00:28:59,740 --> 00:29:01,157
And you...
666
00:29:01,158 --> 00:29:03,160
you can't tell Helga.
667
00:29:03,994 --> 00:29:07,122
I'm just gonna record a message,
you know, in case, uh,
668
00:29:07,748 --> 00:29:11,042
you know, she finds out,
and then, she won't blame you.
669
00:29:11,043 --> 00:29:12,376
- We can call an ambulance.
- Yeah--
670
00:29:12,377 --> 00:29:14,963
No, come on, let me do this.
Just let-- Just let me do this.
671
00:29:16,715 --> 00:29:19,133
Please. And then, you know, afterwards,
672
00:29:19,134 --> 00:29:21,094
then let's just all hug and shit, okay?
673
00:29:21,678 --> 00:29:23,304
Hey, so, Vince, come on.
674
00:29:23,305 --> 00:29:24,389
[snaps fingers]
675
00:29:24,973 --> 00:29:27,184
Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing.
676
00:29:28,185 --> 00:29:30,061
Come on. One take.
677
00:29:30,062 --> 00:29:33,564
[♪ somber music continues]
678
00:29:33,565 --> 00:29:35,566
- [clicks knob, film whirs]
- [Alfonso] It's okay.
679
00:29:35,567 --> 00:29:36,984
It's okay. It's okay.
680
00:29:36,985 --> 00:29:38,529
[camera whirring]
681
00:29:42,658 --> 00:29:46,078
♪
682
00:29:46,286 --> 00:29:49,289
[projector whirring]
683
00:29:50,749 --> 00:29:53,544
[Dudenoff] [on film]
Hey, Helga. I know you're angry.
684
00:29:54,628 --> 00:29:57,046
But, you know, you had such a, uh,
685
00:29:57,047 --> 00:30:00,425
hard time bouncing back after your dad
that I-I had this...
686
00:30:01,593 --> 00:30:04,262
stupid thought that maybe I could...
687
00:30:04,263 --> 00:30:06,849
shield you from another death.
688
00:30:07,641 --> 00:30:08,683
But, if you're watching this,
689
00:30:08,684 --> 00:30:11,270
then, you know,
my master plan has gone to hell.
690
00:30:12,604 --> 00:30:14,022
And, hopefully, I haven't.
691
00:30:14,690 --> 00:30:17,108
What can a guy do but try, right?
692
00:30:17,109 --> 00:30:19,194
Here's looking at you, kid.
693
00:30:21,071 --> 00:30:22,072
[film crackles]
694
00:30:23,073 --> 00:30:24,074
[projector clicking]
695
00:30:25,659 --> 00:30:28,286
- We're so sorry, baby.
- [Helga sniffling]
696
00:30:28,287 --> 00:30:31,664
Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted,
697
00:30:31,665 --> 00:30:32,875
to keep us all together.
698
00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:35,126
[Vince]
Move on back in with us.
699
00:30:35,127 --> 00:30:37,004
- Please.
- Please.
700
00:30:37,671 --> 00:30:40,464
It is the only place in New York
where I can have a pig.
701
00:30:40,465 --> 00:30:42,466
- [laughter]
- [Mabel] Wait.
702
00:30:42,467 --> 00:30:45,720
Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend?
703
00:30:45,721 --> 00:30:47,013
That was another lie?
704
00:30:47,014 --> 00:30:49,473
Yeah, in addition to
setting a human on fire,
705
00:30:49,474 --> 00:30:51,559
we also lied about me having a girlfriend.
706
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:53,144
May God have mercy.
707
00:30:53,145 --> 00:30:55,772
- [♪ gentle music playing]
- [Helga sniffles]
708
00:30:56,815 --> 00:30:57,816
[Mabel sighs]
709
00:31:00,611 --> 00:31:01,612
[Eva]
Hmm.
710
00:31:04,364 --> 00:31:06,325
So, these are not murderers.
711
00:31:06,950 --> 00:31:08,160
[Eva]
No, but...
712
00:31:08,911 --> 00:31:10,203
we've got one hell of a podcast.
713
00:31:10,204 --> 00:31:12,830
- [multitool clicks]
- [Alfonso] [auto-tuned] And, yes,
714
00:31:12,831 --> 00:31:16,000
we've been keeping up the ruse
and cashing his checks.
715
00:31:16,001 --> 00:31:17,211
Oh God. We're going to jail.
716
00:31:18,504 --> 00:31:19,795
- Well...
- [clicks button]
717
00:31:19,796 --> 00:31:21,839
No, you're not.
718
00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,178
Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos
living in the Arconia.
719
00:31:27,554 --> 00:31:30,807
The podcast brought us together.
I don't wanna use it to tear them apart.
720
00:31:32,142 --> 00:31:34,144
- [Westies murmuring]
- [quietly] Bless you.
721
00:31:36,563 --> 00:31:39,774
So, humanity's more important
to you than the podcast?
722
00:31:39,775 --> 00:31:41,151
- What a revelation.
- [Eva] Hmm.
723
00:31:43,403 --> 00:31:47,156
Okay, what if it's not three losers,
but, like, a family of losers
724
00:31:47,157 --> 00:31:50,619
who wants to make the world a better place
before two of them die?
725
00:31:51,119 --> 00:31:52,578
That's one way to look at it.
726
00:31:52,579 --> 00:31:53,663
Yeah. Well, I have more.
727
00:31:53,664 --> 00:31:55,081
- You wanna hear more?
- [Mabel] No thanks.
728
00:31:55,082 --> 00:31:57,334
Speaking of family, I should tell you
729
00:31:58,252 --> 00:32:00,294
that I had my assistant's assistant
730
00:32:00,295 --> 00:32:02,880
book you a wedding atop...
731
00:32:02,881 --> 00:32:05,883
the Empire State Building,
encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons.
732
00:32:05,884 --> 00:32:07,844
- No, no. I--
- Don't worry. I-'m gonna...
733
00:32:07,845 --> 00:32:09,387
I'll pay for it.
734
00:32:09,388 --> 00:32:12,683
I wish I could tell you this
gives me joy, but it doesn't.
735
00:32:13,684 --> 00:32:15,685
You are not the romantic
I thought you were,
736
00:32:15,686 --> 00:32:18,271
and I don't know how I'm gonna play you
737
00:32:18,272 --> 00:32:20,356
or respect you.
738
00:32:20,357 --> 00:32:23,067
So, [sighs] here we are.
739
00:32:23,068 --> 00:32:25,653
Well, thank you, Zachary, for those...
740
00:32:25,654 --> 00:32:27,780
lovely words. But,
741
00:32:27,781 --> 00:32:31,493
Loretta and I shall marry here,
in the Arconia.
742
00:32:31,994 --> 00:32:33,787
This is where we fell in love,
743
00:32:35,038 --> 00:32:36,706
and I want a marriage
744
00:32:36,707 --> 00:32:39,333
where we fall in love every day
745
00:32:39,334 --> 00:32:42,129
for the rest of our very long lives.
746
00:32:43,463 --> 00:32:44,922
You...
747
00:32:44,923 --> 00:32:47,049
adorable baloney loaf.
748
00:32:47,050 --> 00:32:48,802
- [weak laugh]
- You...
749
00:32:49,219 --> 00:32:51,387
beautiful bitchy...
750
00:32:51,388 --> 00:32:54,015
baloney loaf.
751
00:32:54,016 --> 00:32:55,725
Do you know what a baloney loaf is?
752
00:32:55,726 --> 00:32:56,810
Uh--
753
00:32:58,020 --> 00:33:00,022
[♪ gentle music playing]
754
00:33:00,606 --> 00:33:02,524
You are a romantic.
755
00:33:03,108 --> 00:33:04,276
- [smacks]
- [Oliver snorts]
756
00:33:05,110 --> 00:33:07,613
You got me in touch with my emotions.
Thank you.
757
00:33:08,488 --> 00:33:10,781
Well, it was an honor playing a small part
758
00:33:10,782 --> 00:33:13,242
in bringing out your true self.
759
00:33:13,243 --> 00:33:15,870
And Charles, I won't
alienate your audience
760
00:33:15,871 --> 00:33:18,749
- by putting any of it on film.
- [elevator dings]
761
00:33:23,045 --> 00:33:24,546
- Bye.
- Bye.
762
00:33:25,214 --> 00:33:26,215
Bye.
763
00:33:27,841 --> 00:33:29,842
- [Oliver sighs]
- You good?
764
00:33:29,843 --> 00:33:31,637
[Mabel]
Yeah, I'm good.
765
00:33:35,265 --> 00:33:38,935
[Dudenoff] Whether or not everyone makes
it back to shore in the movie Lifeboat...
766
00:33:38,936 --> 00:33:42,856
♪
767
00:33:45,108 --> 00:33:47,110
...I'll leave for you to discover.
768
00:33:48,612 --> 00:33:52,698
But what the film is really about
is found families,
769
00:33:52,699 --> 00:33:55,284
fighting together for their survival
770
00:33:55,285 --> 00:33:58,704
in waters that can be
really tough to get through
771
00:33:58,705 --> 00:34:00,206
if you're all alone.
772
00:34:00,207 --> 00:34:03,293
[♪ gentle music continues]
773
00:34:11,385 --> 00:34:14,554
[Mabel] In the end, there was
no murder in the West Tower.
774
00:34:14,555 --> 00:34:16,722
Just a guy who moved to Portugal
775
00:34:16,723 --> 00:34:19,392
- and made a family out of strangers.
- [recorder beeps]
776
00:34:19,393 --> 00:34:21,060
Well, found family,
777
00:34:21,061 --> 00:34:25,524
we buried a great podcast story
and are back to square one.
778
00:34:25,941 --> 00:34:26,942
[drops cards]
779
00:34:27,943 --> 00:34:31,904
[sighs] Why can't we ever get a ding-dong
when we run out of leads?
780
00:34:31,905 --> 00:34:33,364
[knocking on door]
781
00:34:33,365 --> 00:34:35,450
Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong!
782
00:34:35,993 --> 00:34:37,035
[Oliver sighs]
783
00:34:39,413 --> 00:34:41,205
- Think he's got any Gut Milk in there?
- [door opens]
784
00:34:41,206 --> 00:34:43,791
I already checked the fridge.
He just has beer.
785
00:34:43,792 --> 00:34:45,919
- [Hammy oinking]
- Look who's here.
786
00:34:46,587 --> 00:34:49,005
Oh, hey, Helga.
I see you got your pig back.
787
00:34:49,006 --> 00:34:52,884
Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man
who reluctantly returned her to me.
788
00:34:52,885 --> 00:34:54,135
I think his name is Howard?
789
00:34:54,136 --> 00:34:55,678
[Hammy grunts]
790
00:34:55,679 --> 00:34:57,680
I didn't want to bring it up
among the reunions,
791
00:34:57,681 --> 00:35:01,310
but I wanted to tell you something
about your friend, Sazz.
792
00:35:02,102 --> 00:35:04,228
Wait. You actually knew her?
793
00:35:04,229 --> 00:35:06,397
Yes. She was on the ham radio,
794
00:35:06,398 --> 00:35:09,358
asking about all these huge plot holes
you had in your podcast.
795
00:35:09,359 --> 00:35:11,319
- Not holes.
- Oh!
796
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,822
You're how Sazz knew about
all the West Tower stuff in her notes.
797
00:35:14,823 --> 00:35:16,574
There was another thing though.
798
00:35:16,575 --> 00:35:20,870
She talked about a stuntman
on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma.
799
00:35:20,871 --> 00:35:23,289
She said he was her protégé,
800
00:35:23,290 --> 00:35:26,459
but that he had messed up pretty badly
and he was harassing her.
801
00:35:26,460 --> 00:35:30,547
She said, "He's dangerous,
and he's gonna be the death of me."
802
00:35:31,715 --> 00:35:34,425
- What's Project Ronkonkoma?
- Check IMDb.
803
00:35:34,426 --> 00:35:36,511
- That's a website.
- I know what IMDb is.
804
00:35:36,512 --> 00:35:38,346
My agent says he's gonna get me on it.
805
00:35:38,347 --> 00:35:40,932
Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma.
806
00:35:40,933 --> 00:35:42,433
Who's the stuntperson?
807
00:35:42,434 --> 00:35:44,644
Is it someone we can talk to?
808
00:35:44,645 --> 00:35:47,439
- Not exactly.
- [Hammy oinks]
809
00:35:47,814 --> 00:35:50,942
[medical devices beeping, hissing]
810
00:35:50,943 --> 00:35:53,278
[♪ music building]
811
00:35:55,572 --> 00:35:58,575
[♪ dramatic music playing]
812
00:36:20,097 --> 00:36:23,559
♪
813
00:36:47,541 --> 00:36:48,624
[♪ music ends]
814
00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:51,628
[♪ fanfare playing]