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00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:02,878
[Mabel Mora] They wanna make
a movie of our podcast?
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00:00:02,878 --> 00:00:03,962
Paramount?
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00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:05,839
[Charles-Haden Savage]
They wanna fly us all out to LA
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00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,049
for some meeting next week.
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00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:09,301
- [Mabel] I'm Eva Longoria.
- [Charles] I'm Eugene Levy?
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- [Oliver Putnam] I'm--
- [Bev Melon] Oliver, this is Zach Galifi--
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00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,764
Oh, yes! Zach Galifragilistic.
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I'm out. I'm done.
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Are we sure that the killer was
after Ben, and not you, Charles?
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[chuckles] What?
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I've been gettin' some vibes.
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I also have my ham radio,
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and there's chatter of people
wishing it was you instead of Ben.
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[Charles] It's been a week,
and Sazz's Bulgarian left shoulder
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and knee are still in that incinerator.
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- [clothes rustle]
- Hello, Charles.
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[wheezing screams]
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I broke out
because I'm worried about Sazz.
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She said she thought
someone had eyes on you.
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[Charles] She was looking
into someone who lives here?
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[Jan Bellows] She said she thought there
might be another murderer in the building.
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[Charles] The Westies.
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[Mabel] We've met everybody
except for Christmas Guy
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and whoever's in that place
with the lockbox on it?
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- Oh, um, that's the Dudenoff place.
- [kicks leg]
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- Dudenoff?
- [beeping, clicks]
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Oh, goody. It works.
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♪
29
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This must be the sniper's nest.
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- A ham radio.
- Is this tinsel?
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Oliver! He's so cute.
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- Oh! The pig's loose!
- [squealing]
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We worked together almost 40 years.
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We'd come to the most
dangerous part of the scene.
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Did she write a message with her blood?
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And then Sazz would say...
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- Tap in.
- ..."Tap in."
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[Mabel]
Charles, do you know what that means?
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Yes. I do.
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[♪ jaunty string music playing]
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[Zach Galifianakis] I once had
an acting teacher who said,
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"Finding your character is a lot
like a detective finding a killer."
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His thinking went
you build this character piece by piece.
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What are their physical qualities?
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00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,569
Their skills or special talents?
46
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Their motivations?
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♪
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You keep doing that,
asking and answering a million questions,
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until there's only one person
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in the whole world
who fits that description.
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[♪ slow dramatic music playing]
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Your character.
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Anyway, that's obviously bullshit.
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As a proud Greek man,
presumably descended from Thespis himself,
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trust me when I say
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acting is easy.
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[pounding on door]
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Close the door.
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Alright, so I'm gonna
say this really quick
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'cause I'm not supposed to be here.
It's not even public yet.
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And I really need you guys to know
that at the end of the day--
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Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Detective, are you helping us right now?
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Come on, cut that shit out!
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Just stay focused.
I'm trying to talk to you.
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Do you like us? She totally likes us.
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If she ever did, she doesn't now.
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Thank you, Mora.
The feds are now on the case.
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00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:06,395
They don't want me involved, that's fine.
But the least I can do
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is feed you idiots
some useful information. So--
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- She likes us.
- She totally likes us.
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Can I just talk, please?
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I wanna do a little cop
monologue right now, okay?
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Let's all just pretend
we're on Law & Order,
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and I'm Olivia Benson.
Can I have my moment?
75
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- Yes, absolutely.
- Of course. Or Aristotle Brazzos.
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I-- I don't-- I don't know what that is.
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- [Oliver snickers]
- So,
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the feds think that Jan
has something to do with this.
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Now, of course, she hadn't escaped yet,
but they're thinking she hired someone,
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00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:34,089
and they're suspecting
that she's gone to Florida
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because there's a shit ton of
orchestras and sex toy shops.
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The shooter, very good.
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A single .300 Win Mag casing was found
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in the West Tower in apartment 14F,
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belonging to a tenant
by the name of M. Dudenoff,
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00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,061
retired professor,
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who the neighbors are conveniently saying
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he's not in town. He's in Portugal.
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Well, that's suspicious.
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Exactly. That's what I said, Mora.
That's really fucking suspicious
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'cause who in the absolute fuck
would wanna go to Portugal
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when you got Spain? Right?
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00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,285
I digress.
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00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:05,913
Neighbors are busy playing card games
when they hear the gunshot,
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00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:09,082
except for one tenant.
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00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,959
Rudy Thurber.
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He's like some
Christmas freak or something.
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You know the types who are like,
"Oh, my God,
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it's 364 sleeps until Christmas."
That kinda guy.
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What is key to note,
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Sazz's phone has been turned off,
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but we are reviewing
the CCTV in that area.
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Alright, that's my whole thing. So now,
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00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,437
please feel free to ask
what other questions you have.
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You really don't know Aristotle Brazzos?
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I just did all of that,
and that's all you got?
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Well, i-it doesn't matter.
The feds-- feds have it wrong.
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Jan didn't kill Sazz.
You have to trust me on that.
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I do. I just...
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I don't know if Sazz was the target.
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[♪ soft dramatic music playing]
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W-Well, be honest.
Do you think someone over there
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could hate me enough to try and kill me?
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Don't make her answer that.
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Look, if this is the part
where you tell us not to investigate,
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you're wasting your time.
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Yeah, I know.
After three seasons, I got that.
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00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:05,472
Well, even if I was the target,
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I still have to solve this for Sazz.
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I'm tapping in.
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[Detective Donna Williams]
What are you even talking about?
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This is serious shit here now! Focus--
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Oh, my God!
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[Eugene Levy] Well...
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I guess this sends the investigation
into a...
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00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,698
whole new direction.
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That's Aristotle Brazzos. From Brazzos.
The show I was on.
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[♪ lively theme song playing]
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[♪ vocalizing]
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[♪ theme song fades out]
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[♪ curious music playing]
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Well, hello, Hollywood A-listers!
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What are you doing here?
I promise I won't leak it to the trades.
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We celebrities value our privacy.
135
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,393
The Brothers Sisters thought it'd be
a good idea if we followed you for a day.
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00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,145
You know, do a character study.
137
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,231
I did the same thing on Boss Baby 2.
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I shadowed a baby. Yeah.
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00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,901
And we still text every day.
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Oh, I love it.
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Zach! You want to come learn
more about Oliver Putnam?
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00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:46,949
Study at the foot of the master?
143
00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:49,868
That's right. So much to learn.
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00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:53,455
Definitely didn't take this job
just thinking it would be easy money.
145
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:56,333
Now, personally,
I was pushing for one more day,
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00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,086
just a little more time
to take a deep dive
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00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,755
into this complex man.
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00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,550
Eugene, you realize
you're playing Charles, right?
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00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:06,385
[Eva Longoria] Hey, twin.
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00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,428
[laughs] I've been practicing my Mabel.
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00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,598
Uh, look, n-now's not a good time.
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There's been another murder.
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[gasps] Yay! Oh!
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Forget the character study.
We're gonna solve a murder today?
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- Oh, I'm gonna get us some snacks.
- [Mabel] Not you.
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[sighs]
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Galifianakis?
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That scrumptious fuckable baklava
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is portraying you in a movie?
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Oh no, that is all wrong.
That's so messed up!
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I didn't realize you were on
a Mediterranean diet, Detective.
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- Would you like me to make an intro?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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I'm not ready, I'm not ready. But,
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if anything happens to
that delicious little man,
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I'll kill you myself.
166
00:07:43,422 --> 00:07:45,382
- [Oliver whimpers]
- Don't fuck with my Zach pass.
167
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Obviously, the actors can't stay.
168
00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,678
No! This is a murder investigation,
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00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:52,806
not some acting exercise for Eva Longoria.
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00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:56,059
- Charles is still in danger.
- Yeah, bu-- just hear me out.
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00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,937
You get one shot at a biopic.
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00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,940
Maybe two if you're someone special
like Marilyn Monroe
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00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,400
or Jeffrey Dahmer,
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00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,945
and the first 24 hours of character study
are the most crucial.
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00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:10,824
I need Zach Galifianakis to fall in love
with his character today.
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00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,117
- [coughs]
- [nuts clatter]
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00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,454
Okay, well you've been outvoted.
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Charles, you get it.
You were an actor once.
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00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:20,334
Don't you want Eugene Levy
to learn the real you?
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00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:23,086
Me? The unlikeable guy
that everyone wants to kill?
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00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:25,380
No, thanks. And my ego isn't so delicate
182
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that I need random validation
183
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:29,968
from a... Emmy award-winning actor.
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[Eugene] Charles?
185
00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:33,430
The History of Wood?
186
00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:35,891
Looks and brains?
187
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:38,977
Eugene, you have big shoes to fill.
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- [♪ gentle music playing]
- You know,
189
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- maybe the actors could be helpful.
- [laughs] Yes!
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00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:47,986
What?
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00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,571
♪
192
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:52,658
- [blinds rattle]
- [people chattering down below]
193
00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,786
[Eva] We stare at boxes,
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00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:59,665
wondering what it must feel like
to have an apartment of our own.
195
00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:02,793
A feeling of permanence
for once in our life.
196
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,837
What? No.
197
00:09:04,837 --> 00:09:06,505
- And stop saying "we."
- [Eva] Hmm.
198
00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:08,215
That's where the shot was fired,
199
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,884
and anyone on that floor could've used
the code to get in.
200
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,594
[slurping] Mm...
201
00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:15,430
I'm sorry, are you drinking
at 10 in the morning?
202
00:09:15,848 --> 00:09:17,099
Yeah, I'm getting into character.
203
00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:19,017
I don't drink at 10 in the morning.
204
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,019
No, my Mabel does.
205
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:23,522
- She's a tableau of vices.
- [Charles] Alright.
206
00:09:23,522 --> 00:09:26,817
Williams said the bullet was
a Winchester .300 Magnum.
207
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:30,863
Developed in the '60s, it remains the most
popular cartridge among hunters.
208
00:09:30,863 --> 00:09:32,698
I learned that on Brazzos.
209
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:35,492
I know, I know. Episode 403,
210
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:37,286
A Lady and Her Luger.
211
00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,289
So, our killer is a hunter.
212
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,082
[record button beeps]
213
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,960
Little did they know that the hunter
214
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,088
was about to become the hunted.
215
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:51,466
- Zach, are you getting this?
- [Zach] Oh yeah.
216
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,343
Say a hacky joke every couple of minutes,
217
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,971
- something, something, Zsa Zsa Gabor.
- [awkward laugh]
218
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:59,641
- Lotta nuance.
- Y-You certainly have my wit.
219
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:03,687
How could anyone hate this American icon
enough to wanna try and kill him?
220
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,355
It boggles the mind.
221
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,941
Oh, it's really quite simple.
If you ever saw him consume
222
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,694
a plate of peel-and-eat shrimp,
you'd get it.
223
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:14,448
[Charles] A bullet that size
would have a bit of kick.
224
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:17,910
So, is that eye patch covering
antibiotic-resistant pink eye
225
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:21,872
- or a bruise from the recoil of a gun?
- [♪ jaunty music playing]
226
00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:24,374
Okay, well, I've heard enough. [laughs]
227
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:26,835
We have our killer!
228
00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:29,963
My Mabel's confident.
229
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:33,717
Okay, uh, please don't ever
touch my murder board.
230
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:37,596
We met Vince. There's no way
he's strong enough to carry Sazz's body.
231
00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,389
Rudy Thurber, on the other hand,
232
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:42,351
"Christmas All the Time Guy,"
he's pretty jacked.
233
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:44,728
- Mm-hmm, I've heard enough.
- [puts glass down]
234
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,773
We have our killer.
235
00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:49,983
My Mabel can admit when she's wrong.
236
00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:53,362
Charles, does this man
have any reason to hate you?
237
00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,530
No!
238
00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,698
Well, maybe the Christmas tree thing.
239
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:01,411
I got everyone to sign a petition
banning real Christmas trees.
240
00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:03,872
- [Oliver sighs]
- They're a fire hazard.
241
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,290
They are that.
242
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,209
But who would kill someone
over something like that?
243
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:10,295
Someone whose whole
identity is loving Christmas.
244
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,548
Okay, but he was out of town
the night Sazz was killed.
245
00:11:12,548 --> 00:11:15,133
Or was he? We found this
246
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,927
by the window at Dudenoff's.
247
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:19,429
It kind of looks like Christmas tinsel.
248
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,015
That could place Rudy here
that night after all.
249
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,601
Yes! Yes.
250
00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:27,813
- Killer!
- Again with the touching.
251
00:11:27,813 --> 00:11:31,400
"Ooh! Looks like Rudy the Red Hot Reindeer
has been caught red-handed!"
252
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,026
Something, something, Bea Arthur.
253
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,444
[weak laugh]
254
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,280
I still vote Vince Fish.
255
00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,700
[texting]
256
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:43,328
Why choose? We can divide and conquer.
257
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,706
Uh, you and Eugene go and see Vince,
258
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:48,500
and Mabel and Eva visit Rudy.
259
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,627
Alright! I'm gonna go fire my agent
and visit my kids.
260
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:52,921
- Thanks, everybody!
- [Oliver] No! I mean...
261
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:57,509
No. Y-You and I have something
very important to do back at my apartment.
262
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:58,677
Um...
263
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,848
Uh, monitor this ham radio
that we got from Dudenoff's.
264
00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:05,184
And...
265
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:08,437
should you fall in love with me
because of my relentless charm assault,
266
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:11,982
then that's okay, too. Let's...
267
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:15,569
[♪ "Botany Bay" on concertina playing]
268
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:18,030
[♪ dissonant concertina playing along]
269
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:22,826
[Charles] Pink eye?
Or the bruise from the recoil of a gun?
270
00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:25,996
How to get an eye patch off?
271
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,333
How to get an eye patch off?
272
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,211
I got it.
273
00:12:32,211 --> 00:12:33,795
- [♪ concertina blares, stops]
- I got it.
274
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,883
You ask for a glass of water.
I tell a great joke.
275
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:40,636
You do a spit take.
You spray water all over his face.
276
00:12:40,636 --> 00:12:42,554
And then, when he's--
when he's drying his face,
277
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:45,265
he's forced to remove the eye patch.
278
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:49,186
That's one of the stupidest things
I've ever come out with.
279
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:51,730
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Charles. I'm...
280
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,774
still a little nervous.
281
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:55,192
I'm nervous playing you.
282
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:57,861
- I get it. It's a challenge.
- [Eugene] 'Cause, you know,
283
00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,489
I've only played the dullest pencils
in the drawer
284
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:04,076
'cause I thought they were the funniest,
but you're not funny.
285
00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:06,954
I mean, yeah, you do have
a dull pencil quality about you,
286
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,414
but what you did with Brazzos...
287
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:13,168
I mean, you know, th-th-the fearlessness,
the complexity.
288
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:15,671
I used to say to myself,
"Am I watching a TV show,
289
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:19,174
or am I watching a doctorate-level
physics class?" [laughs]
290
00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:21,718
[laughing] Oh, stop!
291
00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:23,512
Unless you had more to say.
292
00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:25,305
No, I think that was it.
293
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,766
I'm nervous, you're fearless...
294
00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,351
No, that was it.
295
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,980
- [♪ concertina squeaks]
- [♪ upbeat music playing]
296
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,565
I got it.
297
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,359
I know how to get that eye patch off.
298
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,655
[Eva] Hey, slow down, slow down!
What's the plan?
299
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:42,948
How do we approach Rudy?
300
00:13:42,948 --> 00:13:46,285
What do we do, tackle him?
Accuse him? Watch him squirm?
301
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:48,328
I'd like to stay away
from sexual manipulation.
302
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,914
I mean, I'm not closed off to it
because I'm good at it. But...
303
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:54,877
Okay, "Mabel." I think there's
been a misunderstanding here.
304
00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:57,504
Oh, hey, are we attached to "Mabel"?
305
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,298
- I'd say so.
- [Eva sighs]
306
00:13:59,298 --> 00:14:02,593
It's just such an old person name,
[scoffs] which we are not.
307
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:05,804
So, I think we can do better.
What about, um...
308
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:08,724
[gasps] Mabél?
309
00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:11,768
[laughing] Yes. Yes! It's giving elusive.
310
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,188
It's giving mysterious. It's giving,
311
00:14:14,188 --> 00:14:16,356
"Where are you from, and can I go there?"
312
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,609
Bayport, Long Island, and no.
313
00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:23,030
Oliver and I found this tinsel
in the sniper's nest.
314
00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,782
So I need to go to Rudy's
and see if it matches
315
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:28,243
any of the tinsel there
without tipping him off.
316
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:31,830
What? We're just gonna go snoop
on the Christmas freak? Ugh!
317
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:35,000
God, we are young women of action.
318
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,878
I say we go there
and press his Christmas buttons
319
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:39,922
and provoke him until he confesses.
320
00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,965
Or... he could kill us because,
321
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:44,551
I don't know, he might be a killer.
322
00:14:45,219 --> 00:14:46,595
Do you wanna know about Mabel?
323
00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:47,971
[Eva] Mm.
324
00:14:48,514 --> 00:14:49,890
Mabel works alone.
325
00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,267
Fine.
326
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,229
Mabél doesn't stay where she's not wanted.
327
00:14:56,355 --> 00:14:59,358
- It's Mabel!
- [♪ soft jaunty music playing]
328
00:14:59,358 --> 00:15:01,193
[mouthing] What?
329
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,366
[rumbling]
330
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:09,243
Zach?
331
00:15:09,243 --> 00:15:12,538
Um, I feel we got off on the wrong foot.
332
00:15:12,538 --> 00:15:14,915
- Can we start over?
- Yeah.
333
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:18,293
[sighs] My ass is looking good...
Look at that.
334
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:21,255
I see you've mastered my morning mantra.
335
00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:23,924
We Putnams are known for our dump trucks.
336
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:26,969
No wonder they cast you. [laughs]
337
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:31,014
So, what I like to do
is work from the outside in.
338
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:34,434
What would the character wear?
How do their clothes make you feel?
339
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,436
I'm more of an inside-out guy.
340
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,147
I read the inside of the script,
341
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,650
and then I say the words
outside of my mouth.
342
00:15:41,650 --> 00:15:42,860
Ah.
343
00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:44,903
- I see. Yeah.
- Pretty easy.
344
00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:46,947
Weren't we supposed to be doing something
with a ham radio?
345
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:49,116
- [door opens]
- Oh, no, any idiot can do that.
346
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,784
[Howard Morris] Hello?
347
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,786
[pig grunting]
348
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,788
My ears are burning.
349
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:56,373
Huh.
350
00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:58,208
So you're who they cast.
351
00:15:58,208 --> 00:15:59,835
Well, I can see why. I mean,
352
00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:02,087
where else would they have
found bearded comic relief?
353
00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:05,883
[nervous laugh] Jealousy and yellow
are not good colors on you.
354
00:16:05,883 --> 00:16:07,259
Also, the pig?
355
00:16:07,259 --> 00:16:09,136
Was found wandering the halls,
very depressed.
356
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,471
But, we're gonna cheer you up
and have a great day.
357
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,473
Isn't that right, Natalie Porkman?
358
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,101
I'm guessing names
and waiting for a reaction.
359
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:17,603
George Swinebrenner.
360
00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:19,771
She's obviously a she, funny man.
361
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:21,190
Gloria Swineham then.
362
00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:23,150
[muted sarcastic laugh]
363
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:25,611
Howard, uh, monitor this ham radio.
364
00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,738
I-I need to get Zach into character.
365
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,364
Seriously, Oliver,
I think w-we're done here.
366
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,867
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop quiz, hotshot.
367
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,535
Uh, you're Oliver Putnam.
368
00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:35,746
You're six Cosmos deep at Joe Allen
369
00:16:35,746 --> 00:16:37,748
when Frank Rich picks a fight.
370
00:16:37,748 --> 00:16:40,042
Who is the definitive Mrs. Lovett,
371
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,586
Lansbury or LuPone?
372
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:45,881
- LuPone?
- [overlapping aghast chatter]
373
00:16:45,881 --> 00:16:48,383
[Howard]
Go. Just go. This guy needs a lot of work.
374
00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:52,095
[♪ soft whimsical music playing]
375
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:02,981
[♪ music fades out]
376
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:06,318
[sighs]
377
00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:11,240
[♪ Christmas music
playing inside apartment]
378
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,866
Ugh. What are you doing here?
379
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,535
What are you doing here?
380
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,161
Solving a murder.
381
00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:17,955
Mabél works alone, remember?
382
00:17:17,955 --> 00:17:21,500
Who's there? Ooh! Do we have company, Eva?
383
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,085
[Eva] I guess.
384
00:17:29,341 --> 00:17:30,634
Oh, hello.
385
00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:33,595
What's this?
386
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:37,391
Well, I was just bringing around
comedy legend, uh, Eugene Levy,
387
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:39,810
to help everyone cope
with the recent murders in the building.
388
00:17:39,810 --> 00:17:42,729
You know, maybe bring a few smiles.
389
00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,900
- And what's with the eye patches?
- Thanks for asking.
390
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,069
It just, uh, it turns out
that Eugene and I
391
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,947
both simultaneously, uh,
developed this, uh,
392
00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:54,741
pesky, uh, conjunctivitis, and, uh--
393
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:58,328
But thankfully, uh, we have this--
these new amazing drops.
394
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:00,539
And we were thinking that if your patch
395
00:18:00,539 --> 00:18:04,126
is covering the same thing,
you know, pesky conjunctivitis,
396
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:07,087
y-you may wanna remove it,
uh, right here, and--
397
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,840
That's right, and I would be
happy to share my drops.
398
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,676
Y-You know what? I'll pass, okay?
399
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:16,013
I-I-I tried every drop
on the market. Here--
400
00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:19,516
W-Wait! Wait! Uh, wait,
I get it. I get it. You've tried...
401
00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:21,268
everything [laughs] on the market,
402
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,896
but you will change your tune
403
00:18:23,896 --> 00:18:26,356
when you-- when you hear my friend's tale.
404
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:28,525
My tale?
405
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:30,944
Mm-hmm. The tale you told me last week
406
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:33,530
- at, uh, at the Improv.
- Oh.
407
00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:36,575
Oh, y-yes, and--
Uh, well, my tale is simple.
408
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:39,328
Uh, my, my cousin is an ophthalmologist.
409
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:42,039
Dr. Savage. Salazar Savage.
410
00:18:42,039 --> 00:18:43,498
Yes, and,
411
00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:47,002
uh, his, u-uh, father, m-my uncle,
412
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:49,588
uh, he went to Paraguay
413
00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:51,215
as a missionary in the '40s
414
00:18:51,215 --> 00:18:53,592
to... help... convert...
415
00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,802
the indigenous...
416
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,222
Montaguayo people
417
00:18:58,222 --> 00:19:01,725
- and raise his only son.
- Again, th-the genius,
418
00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:05,521
but criminally obscure Dr. Salazar Savage.
419
00:19:05,521 --> 00:19:07,022
Yes, and--
420
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:09,983
- I-I'm sorry. Where is this going?
- I'll tell you where this is going!
421
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:13,445
My cousin developed
a cutting-edge pink eye treatment
422
00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:16,323
from the native, uh, lava cactus--
423
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,492
Which is not available here
424
00:19:18,492 --> 00:19:21,245
due to some trivial FDA regulations,
425
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:24,456
and I will not go into detail about that.
426
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:25,832
Yeah, anyway, the point is--
427
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,710
Oh, thank God, yes! The point being...
428
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,797
The point is I was recently sent a bottle
429
00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:33,715
of this amazing stuff,
430
00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:36,426
uh, from Asunción.
431
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:40,347
Which is the actual capital of Paraguay.
432
00:19:41,265 --> 00:19:44,393
Alright, fine, fine, fine.
I'll-- Yeah, I-I-I'll try it. Uh--
433
00:19:44,393 --> 00:19:46,353
S-So what you do is-- [stammering]
434
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:50,315
Is you just, uh, pull down your eye patch,
and you put in, uh, 16 drops.
435
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:52,276
I think I know how to use an eye dropper.
436
00:19:52,276 --> 00:19:53,986
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
437
00:19:53,986 --> 00:19:56,113
No, no, you really wanna do it here
because...
438
00:19:56,113 --> 00:19:58,115
we want to video it,
439
00:19:58,115 --> 00:20:01,869
so we can send the tape to Dr. Salavar?
440
00:20:01,869 --> 00:20:02,995
- Dr. Savage.
- Savage.
441
00:20:02,995 --> 00:20:04,580
I'll be right back.
442
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:14,923
- [train whistling]
- [♪ "Silent Night" playing]
443
00:20:14,923 --> 00:20:17,467
Ho ho ho! Here we go!
444
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:20,179
Two protein eggnogs! Yummy!
445
00:20:20,179 --> 00:20:22,973
It's my personal recipe, patent pending.
446
00:20:22,973 --> 00:20:25,601
Actually, Eva, I'm something
of a mogul myself.
447
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:28,020
- Mm.
- [Mabel] Mm.
448
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:30,397
- That's thick.
- Oh, thank you!
449
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,566
The secret: more egg than nog.
450
00:20:32,566 --> 00:20:34,026
And ground deer hoof.
451
00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:39,823
So, I-I'm sorry to barge in
on you like this.
452
00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:43,160
I'm not sure what Eva Longoria
has told you, but--
453
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,870
Oh, I told him
we're investigating the murder.
454
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,873
- Of course you did.
- And that we're looking for clues.
455
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:51,168
We're gonna have answers
by the end of day. [crunches]
456
00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:52,961
Unrelated. Rudy, uh,
457
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:55,422
your home is... so cozy.
458
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,758
I love Christmas decorations.
459
00:20:57,758 --> 00:21:01,011
But I-I have to say, you, uh,
you're missing my favorite.
460
00:21:01,011 --> 00:21:03,597
What's that? Advent calendar?
461
00:21:03,597 --> 00:21:07,059
I have five. Nutcrackers?
I got a whole family.
462
00:21:07,059 --> 00:21:09,853
12-foot-tall snowman?
I had to put him in my room.
463
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,563
People were put off by the scale
464
00:21:11,563 --> 00:21:13,315
and anatomical correctness.
465
00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:15,192
Oh, that makes sense.
466
00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:18,362
No, I meant tinsel.
Do you have any of that?
467
00:21:19,238 --> 00:21:21,448
- [♪ radio starts playing]
- ♪ Standing tall ♪
468
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:24,326
[Mabel]
Is that the Perfect Strangers theme?
469
00:21:24,326 --> 00:21:25,661
Is that a ham radio?
470
00:21:25,661 --> 00:21:28,664
Yeah, it's a gift from a friend.
Here, lemme just get rid of that.
471
00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:30,499
[static, radio stops]
472
00:21:30,499 --> 00:21:32,292
- [♪ jaunty music playing]
- Hey, Mabél, look around.
473
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:33,377
There's no tinsel.
474
00:21:33,377 --> 00:21:34,545
Uh, look around.
475
00:21:34,545 --> 00:21:37,965
There's a gun on the wall
and another ham radio.
476
00:21:37,965 --> 00:21:40,425
There has to be tinsel.
He probably just hid it
477
00:21:40,425 --> 00:21:42,719
because you were telling him
we're looking for clues.
478
00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:44,304
Okay, stop saying tinsel!
479
00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:46,640
Let's just provoke
a reaction outta the guy,
480
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,017
so he can confess by my 7:30 dinner.
481
00:21:49,017 --> 00:21:50,519
By the way, I have a 7:30 dinner,
482
00:21:50,519 --> 00:21:53,230
and I'd love to tell everybody
I solved a murder today.
483
00:21:53,230 --> 00:21:57,276
Eva, m-my friend is in very real danger.
We're not provoking a killer
484
00:21:57,276 --> 00:21:59,987
so that you can share some
charming anecdote with--
485
00:21:59,987 --> 00:22:01,947
Roger Federer,
Anderson Cooper, Michelle Obama,
486
00:22:01,947 --> 00:22:04,992
and the lady from Shark Tank.
Barb something.
487
00:22:05,409 --> 00:22:08,787
[sighs] Okay, well,
we'll try to get you out by 6:00.
488
00:22:08,787 --> 00:22:10,873
- Great.
- [grabs phone]
489
00:22:10,873 --> 00:22:11,999
[sighs]
490
00:22:14,418 --> 00:22:16,420
[Oliver] You may think it's silly, but...
491
00:22:17,337 --> 00:22:20,841
when I was a kid, I had a dream...
492
00:22:22,426 --> 00:22:24,386
that I would live a life that, someday,
493
00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:26,972
someone would wanna turn into a film.
494
00:22:28,015 --> 00:22:30,017
And now, all I want is it
495
00:22:30,017 --> 00:22:32,978
to be the best film ever made.
496
00:22:33,312 --> 00:22:35,314
Wow, that's really brave
for you to admit that,
497
00:22:35,314 --> 00:22:37,441
but probably not for
the reasons you think.
498
00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:43,572
Okay. I-I'm sorry.
499
00:22:44,281 --> 00:22:46,450
I get it. You don't wanna be forgotten.
500
00:22:46,450 --> 00:22:49,703
Oh. Who could ever forget Oliver Putnam?
501
00:22:49,703 --> 00:22:51,496
Right. Right.
502
00:22:52,206 --> 00:22:55,125
So, let's give a lift
to that hair... Oh, boy.
503
00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:56,293
[sputters]
504
00:22:57,002 --> 00:22:59,046
It's gonna be a little journey here.
505
00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:03,342
- [sighs]
- I do have one question though.
506
00:23:03,342 --> 00:23:05,052
I just need a second here.
507
00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:07,554
All those stories that you tell.
508
00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:08,889
[Oliver sighs]
509
00:23:09,556 --> 00:23:10,891
There's no way they're true, right?
510
00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:14,645
Well, the key to an Oliver Putnam story
511
00:23:14,645 --> 00:23:17,439
- is that you want it to be true.
- Yeah.
512
00:23:17,439 --> 00:23:20,817
It should take place
between 1960 and 1980,
513
00:23:20,817 --> 00:23:22,569
it should involve a celebrity
514
00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:24,613
who you're shocked to
discover is still alive...
515
00:23:24,613 --> 00:23:25,697
Hmm.
516
00:23:25,697 --> 00:23:29,451
...and the best ones take place
in a nightclub that's now an Applebee's.
517
00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:31,787
Or involve a drug that no longer exists.
518
00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,373
Okay, now...
519
00:23:35,332 --> 00:23:36,834
close your eyes.
520
00:23:42,506 --> 00:23:45,259
Ooh! Someone just got back from Ibiza.
521
00:23:45,259 --> 00:23:49,054
Where I did opium with Barbara Eden
at a Souplantation?
522
00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:50,889
[groans]
523
00:23:50,889 --> 00:23:52,432
No one gets it the first time.
524
00:23:52,432 --> 00:23:55,102
- Okay.
- Come on! Come here.
525
00:23:59,022 --> 00:24:01,191
- [loud snort]
- [imitates snort]
526
00:24:01,191 --> 00:24:02,901
- [groans]
- [imitates groan]
527
00:24:04,403 --> 00:24:06,321
[♪ "Perfect Strangers theme" playing]
528
00:24:06,321 --> 00:24:09,116
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
529
00:24:10,117 --> 00:24:12,494
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
530
00:24:12,494 --> 00:24:15,497
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
531
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:18,542
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
532
00:24:18,542 --> 00:24:20,002
♪
533
00:24:20,002 --> 00:24:23,422
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
534
00:24:23,422 --> 00:24:25,132
♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
535
00:24:25,132 --> 00:24:26,592
Whatever this is...
536
00:24:26,592 --> 00:24:28,010
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
537
00:24:28,010 --> 00:24:29,219
...I hate it.
538
00:24:29,386 --> 00:24:32,973
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
539
00:24:34,433 --> 00:24:37,603
♪ Standing tall ♪
540
00:24:37,603 --> 00:24:41,190
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
541
00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:44,151
♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
542
00:24:44,151 --> 00:24:46,862
♪
543
00:24:49,156 --> 00:24:50,157
[♪ song ends]
544
00:24:51,867 --> 00:24:54,578
[♪ tense music playing]
545
00:24:54,578 --> 00:24:56,914
Okay, he's gonna be out any second.
546
00:24:56,914 --> 00:24:59,625
Any second, Charles.
Do you have another plan?
547
00:24:59,625 --> 00:25:02,002
- I have a plan. I have a plan.
- Good. Good.
548
00:25:02,002 --> 00:25:03,337
And it is...
549
00:25:05,214 --> 00:25:07,257
Oh, my God, I'm in a murderer's apartment,
550
00:25:07,257 --> 00:25:10,677
- and you don't have a plan!
- [Vince Fish] Okay, thanks.
551
00:25:10,677 --> 00:25:13,263
Here you go. Let's hope that they work.
552
00:25:15,432 --> 00:25:18,018
Um, um, listen, before we go,
um, I'm wondering
553
00:25:18,018 --> 00:25:20,354
i-i-if you can, uh,
bring my friend Charles
554
00:25:20,354 --> 00:25:22,564
a glass of, uh, water.
555
00:25:22,564 --> 00:25:25,567
Sure. I'm a restaurant now.
556
00:25:28,987 --> 00:25:30,489
We're not doing your spit take plan!
557
00:25:30,489 --> 00:25:32,783
I don't think we have a choice.
I tell a joke,
558
00:25:32,783 --> 00:25:35,160
you spit in his face,
we get to see under his eye patch!
559
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:36,954
If he hates me, and he's a murderer,
560
00:25:36,954 --> 00:25:38,747
and he can shoot directly
into my apartment,
561
00:25:38,747 --> 00:25:40,832
maybe I shouldn't spit in his face?
562
00:25:41,250 --> 00:25:43,544
Good point. That's a good point.
563
00:25:43,544 --> 00:25:45,170
But he can still murder me.
564
00:25:45,170 --> 00:25:46,672
- [Vince] Here you go.
- Yeah.
565
00:25:47,631 --> 00:25:49,925
Oh, here's the water you wanted.
Anyway, uh,
566
00:25:49,925 --> 00:25:52,344
so these two snails
are vacationing in Beverly Hills--
567
00:25:52,344 --> 00:25:54,096
[stammering] Here. Try it, try it, try it.
568
00:25:54,096 --> 00:25:55,931
A-A priest and a-- and a duck
walk into a synagogue--
569
00:25:55,931 --> 00:25:57,975
No, that's not funny. You take it.
You drink-- You drink it.
570
00:25:57,975 --> 00:25:59,434
You drink it. You drink it. You drink it.
571
00:25:59,434 --> 00:26:01,186
Anyway, these two cannibals
572
00:26:01,186 --> 00:26:04,022
are sitting down to a nice meal
of baked asshole of clown.
573
00:26:04,022 --> 00:26:05,482
- [spits]
- What the?
574
00:26:05,482 --> 00:26:07,025
- [grunts]
- [glass falls]
575
00:26:07,025 --> 00:26:09,987
And one cannibal says to the other,
"This taste funny to you?"
576
00:26:09,987 --> 00:26:11,113
[Eugene groans]
577
00:26:14,616 --> 00:26:16,618
That's-- That's not a bruise.
578
00:26:16,618 --> 00:26:19,204
That is a pink... pink eye.
579
00:26:19,204 --> 00:26:20,581
Yeah!
580
00:26:20,581 --> 00:26:24,293
Antibiotic-resistant pink eye!
581
00:26:24,293 --> 00:26:26,044
[Eugene groans]
582
00:26:26,044 --> 00:26:29,506
- Nothing, nothing...
- [♪ Christmas music playing]
583
00:26:29,506 --> 00:26:32,301
- You wanna help out here?
- No, I'm kinda busy.
584
00:26:33,385 --> 00:26:35,095
Hey, what are you doing?
585
00:26:35,095 --> 00:26:37,598
Oh! Uh, nothing. I was, uh,
586
00:26:37,598 --> 00:26:41,393
just admiring this so sweet and--
587
00:26:41,393 --> 00:26:42,561
- [Santa toy] Ho ho ho.
- Oh.
588
00:26:42,561 --> 00:26:44,104
- Oh, no, no, please.
- [Santa toy] Ho ho ho.
589
00:26:44,104 --> 00:26:46,398
- Don't touch him.
- Uh, yeah.
590
00:26:46,398 --> 00:26:49,109
- [text notification chimes]
- Mrs. Claus is a lucky lady. [laughs]
591
00:26:49,109 --> 00:26:50,611
Oh, great.
592
00:26:50,611 --> 00:26:53,071
Dinner got moved up to 6:30.
593
00:26:53,071 --> 00:26:54,698
Time to land this plane.
594
00:26:54,698 --> 00:26:56,909
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, Rudy.
595
00:26:57,576 --> 00:26:58,994
[Mabel] No, no, no, no, no!
596
00:26:58,994 --> 00:27:00,621
- Does this piss you off?
- [glass shatters]
597
00:27:00,621 --> 00:27:02,122
- [gasps]
- What...
598
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:03,540
- Or...
- [Rudy Thurber] Hey! No, no, no!
599
00:27:03,540 --> 00:27:04,917
- What about this?
- [Rudy] Don't--
600
00:27:04,917 --> 00:27:06,543
- [shattering]
- Why?
601
00:27:06,543 --> 00:27:08,962
Oh, and by the way, your eggnog sucks.
602
00:27:08,962 --> 00:27:10,339
- Aw!
- [Eva] What you gonna do about it?
603
00:27:10,339 --> 00:27:12,257
[mocking]
You gonna cry? Are you gonna cry about it?
604
00:27:12,257 --> 00:27:14,593
[normal] 'Cause word on the street is
you get a little murderous
605
00:27:14,593 --> 00:27:17,387
when somebody tries
to ruin Christmas! [gasps]
606
00:27:17,387 --> 00:27:19,056
- Ooh! [laughs]
- [Rudy] Hey, don't touch that!
607
00:27:19,056 --> 00:27:21,642
I bet you that's very... triggering!
608
00:27:21,642 --> 00:27:23,352
- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing?!
609
00:27:23,352 --> 00:27:26,813
I'm solving the murder. Admit it!
Christmas is all you have.
610
00:27:26,813 --> 00:27:29,525
Yeah, Christmas and fitness.
611
00:27:29,525 --> 00:27:32,694
Fitness is clearly important to you.
That is not lost on me,
612
00:27:32,694 --> 00:27:34,488
but, mostly, you love Christmas.
613
00:27:34,488 --> 00:27:36,573
So, when your scrooge of a neighbor
614
00:27:36,573 --> 00:27:39,826
tries to take away your real
Christmas trees, you snapped.
615
00:27:39,826 --> 00:27:41,078
Eva, put the gun down.
616
00:27:41,078 --> 00:27:42,996
And once you had Charles in your sights...
617
00:27:42,996 --> 00:27:45,541
- Eva Longoria's unhinged.
- That is correct.
618
00:27:45,541 --> 00:27:47,793
- ...you shot him!
- [gasps]
619
00:27:47,793 --> 00:27:50,254
- [Santa toy] Ho ho ho!
- Oh, this is not a real gun.
620
00:27:50,254 --> 00:27:53,215
No, it's not. You think I shot Charles
because I love Christmas?
621
00:27:53,215 --> 00:27:54,299
Yeah.
622
00:27:54,299 --> 00:27:56,552
I hate Christmas! [gasps]
623
00:27:56,552 --> 00:27:58,887
- [♪ Christmas music continues]
- [confused hum]
624
00:27:58,887 --> 00:28:00,472
But, um...
625
00:28:02,224 --> 00:28:04,226
Okay. [sighs]
626
00:28:04,226 --> 00:28:05,727
I'm a fitness influencer.
627
00:28:05,727 --> 00:28:09,356
I made one Christmas-themed workout video,
and it went viral.
628
00:28:09,356 --> 00:28:11,984
Now, I'm stuck being
"Santa's Sexy Little Helper."
629
00:28:11,984 --> 00:28:15,696
I can't crack 100 likes
unless it's Christmas-themed content!
630
00:28:15,696 --> 00:28:18,949
My success is my prison
and these... [panting]
631
00:28:18,949 --> 00:28:22,995
ornaments, the reindeer, that gun from
A Christmas Story, these are my jailers!
632
00:28:22,995 --> 00:28:26,248
Every five seconds, people are asking me
if they're still on the naughty list!
633
00:28:27,583 --> 00:28:29,501
- That's a lot of names.
- Hello.
634
00:28:29,501 --> 00:28:31,086
- And abs.
- [Rudy] Thank you.
635
00:28:31,086 --> 00:28:34,673
Do you know how hard it is
to write on yourself backwards?
636
00:28:34,673 --> 00:28:38,177
All my time is spent trying to come up
with Christmas workout puns.
637
00:28:38,177 --> 00:28:41,054
"Yule be surprised at
what your body can do!"
638
00:28:41,054 --> 00:28:44,057
"No time like the presents
to believe in your elf!"
639
00:28:44,057 --> 00:28:46,310
My parents are so disappointed in me!
640
00:28:46,852 --> 00:28:48,854
[sighs] It felt good to get that out.
641
00:28:48,854 --> 00:28:51,106
[♪ Christmas music continues]
642
00:28:51,982 --> 00:28:54,568
Um, hey, could you guys not tell people
643
00:28:54,568 --> 00:28:56,945
about the whole "I hate Christmas" thing?
644
00:28:56,945 --> 00:28:59,323
[Mabel] Yeah, sure. No problem.
645
00:28:59,323 --> 00:29:02,951
Um, I just have one more question.
Can you explain this?
646
00:29:03,952 --> 00:29:06,371
We saw tinsel where the shot was fired,
647
00:29:06,371 --> 00:29:08,373
and kinda led us to you.
648
00:29:08,373 --> 00:29:11,460
Yeah, this is not tinsel.
Tinsel is highly flammable.
649
00:29:11,460 --> 00:29:13,378
- Christmas's silent killer.
- [Mabel] Huh.
650
00:29:13,962 --> 00:29:16,256
- Okay, thank you.
- [Rudy] Mm.
651
00:29:16,256 --> 00:29:17,758
I'm sorry Eva Longoria
652
00:29:17,758 --> 00:29:20,636
shot what she thought
was a real gun in your apartment.
653
00:29:20,636 --> 00:29:21,720
My bad. [chuckles]
654
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,305
Hey, but if it's any consolation,
655
00:29:23,305 --> 00:29:26,558
Michelle Obama will watch
your TikTok tonight.
656
00:29:28,393 --> 00:29:30,979
Wait, what do you mean
Michelle Obama will see my--
657
00:29:30,979 --> 00:29:32,564
Is that a euphemism for something?
658
00:29:32,564 --> 00:29:34,525
- [Eva] Merry Christmas!
- [door slams, bells jingle]
659
00:29:34,525 --> 00:29:36,693
[radio static]
660
00:29:36,693 --> 00:29:39,488
[Zach And Oliver]
The Ollies are back! [laughs]
661
00:29:39,488 --> 00:29:42,032
That was a long day alone
with a pig and a radio.
662
00:29:42,032 --> 00:29:43,116
How was yours?
663
00:29:43,116 --> 00:29:45,285
Well, that depends. What do you call
taking too many Quaaludes
664
00:29:45,285 --> 00:29:47,496
with Ving Rhames and getting
kicked outta the Playboy Club?
665
00:29:47,496 --> 00:29:49,581
- [laughter]
- [text notification chimes]
666
00:29:49,581 --> 00:29:51,041
Oh, hold on.
667
00:29:51,750 --> 00:29:54,086
- Oh, that's my agent. One second.
- Oh my...
668
00:29:54,628 --> 00:29:56,255
Seems like it went well.
669
00:29:56,255 --> 00:29:59,091
Huge success. Enormous success.
670
00:29:59,091 --> 00:30:01,218
The success has elephantitis.
671
00:30:01,218 --> 00:30:03,679
Meanwhile, I kept a very
detailed ham radio journal.
672
00:30:03,679 --> 00:30:04,888
[pig grunting]
673
00:30:04,888 --> 00:30:08,559
A few call signs,
the theme song from Perfect Strangers,
674
00:30:08,559 --> 00:30:11,228
a lot of weather chatter. A lot!
675
00:30:11,979 --> 00:30:15,107
Feels like most of these kooks
are just waiting for the apocalypse.
676
00:30:15,107 --> 00:30:18,068
Including Kristen Piig,
who is one open window away
677
00:30:18,068 --> 00:30:20,153
from turning herself into Canadian bacon.
678
00:30:20,153 --> 00:30:22,656
[Zach] I'm really glad you
pushed me to do this today.
679
00:30:22,656 --> 00:30:26,326
- Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, absolutely.
- Ooh.
680
00:30:26,326 --> 00:30:28,871
It was a lot of fun.
We did a lot of frolicking,
681
00:30:28,871 --> 00:30:32,332
and we got to know each other
and, you know, the whole works.
682
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:34,835
Of course, I'm being sarcastic!
683
00:30:34,835 --> 00:30:37,462
What part of "career pivot"
was so confusing to you?
684
00:30:37,462 --> 00:30:42,301
I told you I wanted big, meaty,
psychosexual leading man dramatic parts,
685
00:30:42,301 --> 00:30:45,220
and you give me pocket-sized,
flop-sweat Willy Wonka.
686
00:30:45,220 --> 00:30:48,390
This man is a one-dimensional narcissist.
687
00:30:48,390 --> 00:30:50,976
Under those scarves deep, deep down,
688
00:30:50,976 --> 00:30:53,562
it's just more fucking scarves.
I gotta go.
689
00:30:54,021 --> 00:30:55,022
Thanks, guys.
690
00:30:55,022 --> 00:30:57,482
I'm gonna take off. That was a lot of fun.
691
00:30:57,482 --> 00:30:59,067
Lot of fun.
692
00:30:59,067 --> 00:31:00,527
Yo, Galifianakis!
693
00:31:01,403 --> 00:31:05,199
How could you spend an entire day
with this man and still not get it?
694
00:31:05,199 --> 00:31:08,702
Let me tell you a little something
about Mr. Oliver Putnam.
695
00:31:08,702 --> 00:31:10,495
This man?
696
00:31:10,495 --> 00:31:11,955
He's my hero.
697
00:31:11,955 --> 00:31:14,583
Oliver doesn't know
the definition of quit.
698
00:31:14,583 --> 00:31:18,837
There is no obstacle nor tragedy
that Oliver Putnam can't bounce back from.
699
00:31:18,837 --> 00:31:20,631
Think about what he's been through.
700
00:31:20,631 --> 00:31:24,676
Flop... after flop... after flop.
701
00:31:24,676 --> 00:31:27,387
- Onstage. Off.
- Right.
702
00:31:27,387 --> 00:31:30,599
Any other man with even a shred,
a speck of dignity,
703
00:31:30,599 --> 00:31:32,434
would be destroyed,
704
00:31:32,434 --> 00:31:35,229
- but not this man! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!
- Okay, Howard...
705
00:31:35,229 --> 00:31:37,481
Every time he falls,
he gets right back up,
706
00:31:37,481 --> 00:31:39,525
and he meets the day
with a song, don't you?
707
00:31:39,525 --> 00:31:40,734
Yeah, I-- Yes.
708
00:31:40,734 --> 00:31:43,028
Even when he knows
he's just gonna fall again.
709
00:31:43,028 --> 00:31:44,988
Alright, Howard, please.
I think I can handle--
710
00:31:44,988 --> 00:31:48,575
Okay, take his current
long-distance romance, for example.
711
00:31:48,575 --> 00:31:51,286
I give it six months,
most would say three.
712
00:31:51,286 --> 00:31:54,748
Yet, here he remains,
helping your little career,
713
00:31:54,748 --> 00:31:57,209
instead of enjoying
his final precious hours
714
00:31:57,209 --> 00:31:59,378
upon that Hindenburg of a relationship.
715
00:31:59,378 --> 00:32:02,589
Th-That is not true.
Loretta and I have never been this strong.
716
00:32:02,589 --> 00:32:05,300
- I rest my case.
- [sighs]
717
00:32:07,636 --> 00:32:09,721
Now, that's psychosexual.
718
00:32:09,721 --> 00:32:12,015
- [♪ gentle music playing]
- That's meaty!
719
00:32:12,015 --> 00:32:14,560
You're not the court jester.
720
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:15,936
You're King Lear!
721
00:32:15,936 --> 00:32:18,689
- Yes, I think what Howard meant was--
- [Zach] No, no, no, no, no.
722
00:32:19,898 --> 00:32:21,441
You're this...
723
00:32:21,441 --> 00:32:23,819
elegant worm.
724
00:32:23,819 --> 00:32:25,195
This dressed-up doormat.
725
00:32:25,195 --> 00:32:28,115
This Technicolored cockroach
who refuses to die!
726
00:32:29,616 --> 00:32:31,493
I hate you!
727
00:32:31,493 --> 00:32:33,036
But I love you.
728
00:32:36,540 --> 00:32:39,042
People might finally
take me seriously after this.
729
00:32:40,878 --> 00:32:42,629
Uh-huh...
730
00:32:42,629 --> 00:32:44,423
I will immortalize you, Oliver,
731
00:32:46,133 --> 00:32:48,010
The real...
732
00:32:48,010 --> 00:32:49,469
tragic...
733
00:32:50,679 --> 00:32:51,805
heartbreaking...
734
00:32:52,806 --> 00:32:54,057
lonely...
735
00:32:54,933 --> 00:32:56,935
pathetic you.
736
00:32:59,396 --> 00:33:01,899
That's very kind. Thank you.
737
00:33:01,899 --> 00:33:04,359
Okay, let's get crackin'!
738
00:33:04,359 --> 00:33:05,944
[claps]
739
00:33:10,908 --> 00:33:13,368
Hey, bud! Look who's got a bloody nose?
740
00:33:13,368 --> 00:33:15,495
I used to get those
all the time from anxiety.
741
00:33:15,495 --> 00:33:18,790
Yeah. Well, mine's from
being punched in the face.
742
00:33:18,790 --> 00:33:21,168
- Sorry about the haymaker.
- [Eugene] Oh, that's all right, Vince.
743
00:33:21,168 --> 00:33:24,087
Apology accepted. [weak laugh]
744
00:33:24,087 --> 00:33:26,548
You know, I just realized
something, Charles.
745
00:33:26,548 --> 00:33:28,675
You're not that complex.
746
00:33:28,675 --> 00:33:31,803
You're just as chicken shit as I am,
which makes you funny.
747
00:33:31,803 --> 00:33:35,390
- I think I can play you.
- Well, uh, that's something.
748
00:33:35,390 --> 00:33:38,852
I can't believe that you
thought I killed your friend.
749
00:33:38,852 --> 00:33:41,396
I can't even kill this
moderate to severe case
750
00:33:41,396 --> 00:33:43,607
of bacterial conjunctivitis.
751
00:33:43,607 --> 00:33:45,526
Well, whoever shot my friend,
752
00:33:45,526 --> 00:33:48,779
I think probably had something
wrong with their eyes
753
00:33:48,779 --> 00:33:51,198
because I think they were aiming for me.
754
00:33:51,198 --> 00:33:54,743
And, honestly,
I always thought you hated me.
755
00:33:54,743 --> 00:33:56,912
What? I hated you?
756
00:33:56,912 --> 00:33:58,956
I always thought that you hated me!
757
00:33:58,956 --> 00:34:02,125
Whenever I see you through the window,
you always look away.
758
00:34:02,125 --> 00:34:03,961
No, I'm just awkward!
759
00:34:03,961 --> 00:34:07,172
[laughs] I-I'm awkward, too!
760
00:34:07,172 --> 00:34:08,632
You're awkward?
761
00:34:08,632 --> 00:34:11,844
I'm very awkward! Yes!
762
00:34:12,302 --> 00:34:16,265
- Oh, Vince. Aw...
- Ah, Charles! Aw!
763
00:34:18,851 --> 00:34:22,145
- Yeah, Eugene!
- [Eugene sighs]
764
00:34:23,856 --> 00:34:26,984
Yeah, okay, yeah. See, you're too tight.
765
00:34:26,984 --> 00:34:30,779
- You're hugging just way too tight.
- [♪ mysterious music playing]
766
00:34:30,779 --> 00:34:31,905
This is enough.
767
00:34:31,905 --> 00:34:34,533
No, this is hugging for three people.
This is enough.
768
00:34:34,533 --> 00:34:36,118
Okay, let's go. Done.
769
00:34:36,118 --> 00:34:38,704
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Lovely apartment.
770
00:34:39,121 --> 00:34:40,122
Here you go.
771
00:34:43,709 --> 00:34:46,086
[Eva] Think I'm gonna skip the part
where I was wildly wrong
772
00:34:46,086 --> 00:34:47,963
when I tell this story tonight.
773
00:34:47,963 --> 00:34:50,257
Um, you know what? For what it's worth,
774
00:34:50,257 --> 00:34:52,176
you were actually kind of helpful.
775
00:34:52,176 --> 00:34:55,512
I probably would've wasted weeks
thinking that guy had a motive.
776
00:34:56,180 --> 00:34:59,725
Maybe, you know,
your Mabel's approach isn't that bad.
777
00:34:59,725 --> 00:35:02,352
- Or Mabél.
- Mm, Mabél is bold.
778
00:35:02,352 --> 00:35:05,397
- She pops. She sells T-shirts.
- Um...
779
00:35:05,397 --> 00:35:07,482
I think I'm gonna hang back for a second.
780
00:35:07,482 --> 00:35:09,568
Taking a page out of your playbook.
781
00:35:11,904 --> 00:35:14,448
- [♪ soft tense music playing]
- [Eva laughs softly]
782
00:35:17,034 --> 00:35:18,952
[keypad buttons beep]
783
00:35:25,417 --> 00:35:27,961
I see you, Mabél.
784
00:35:33,592 --> 00:35:34,593
[clanging]
785
00:35:43,101 --> 00:35:44,102
[phone clicks]
786
00:35:46,897 --> 00:35:48,398
[keypad clacking]
787
00:35:54,154 --> 00:35:55,405
[phone clicks]
788
00:35:55,405 --> 00:35:56,490
[blinds rattle]
789
00:36:10,754 --> 00:36:14,466
[phone vibrates]
790
00:36:15,968 --> 00:36:16,969
[phone clicks]
791
00:36:19,221 --> 00:36:21,515
♪
792
00:36:21,515 --> 00:36:24,893
[mouthing]
793
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:29,731
- [Charles] It's us!
- [Oliver] Hi!
794
00:36:29,731 --> 00:36:32,609
- [laughter]
- Housekeeping!
795
00:36:33,193 --> 00:36:34,194
[pig grunting]
796
00:36:34,194 --> 00:36:36,530
So, you don't believe
Dudenoff's in Portugal?
797
00:36:36,530 --> 00:36:37,865
I'm not convinced.
798
00:36:37,865 --> 00:36:39,575
Well, he's not gonna be happy you're here.
799
00:36:39,575 --> 00:36:42,327
I'm counting on it.
If he finds out I'm squatting here,
800
00:36:42,327 --> 00:36:44,705
he'll have to show his face
to kick me out.
801
00:36:44,705 --> 00:36:46,999
[Charles] He could be our killer...
802
00:36:46,999 --> 00:36:49,459
Personally, I love that you're squatting.
803
00:36:49,459 --> 00:36:52,171
In the summer of '77,
I spent an incredible three months
804
00:36:52,171 --> 00:36:55,507
squatting in Sonny Bono's
Palm Springs pool house.
805
00:36:55,507 --> 00:36:59,261
Look, it'll be good for the case,
and I needed a place to stay.
806
00:36:59,261 --> 00:37:00,971
Well, I just...
807
00:37:00,971 --> 00:37:02,431
I worry about you here.
808
00:37:02,431 --> 00:37:04,933
I worry about you all the time.
809
00:37:04,933 --> 00:37:07,394
At least we can watch over each other now.
810
00:37:07,394 --> 00:37:08,770
[pig grunting]
811
00:37:08,770 --> 00:37:11,857
How come the actors couldn't come
for one of our finales?
812
00:37:11,857 --> 00:37:14,526
Like when we figure
everything out all at once?
813
00:37:14,526 --> 00:37:15,986
[Oliver] Mm-hmm.
814
00:37:15,986 --> 00:37:19,323
[pig snorting]
815
00:37:20,908 --> 00:37:23,827
[singing]
♪ No matter the odds are this time ♪
816
00:37:24,328 --> 00:37:26,788
♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
817
00:37:26,788 --> 00:37:29,041
- ♪ This flame in my heart ♪
- [mumbling along]
818
00:37:29,041 --> 00:37:30,459
♪ Long lost friend ♪
819
00:37:30,459 --> 00:37:33,629
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
820
00:37:33,629 --> 00:37:35,088
What is happening right now?
821
00:37:35,088 --> 00:37:37,299
[Mabel and Oliver] ♪ Standing tall ♪
822
00:37:37,299 --> 00:37:38,967
What is that bizarrely catchy song?
823
00:37:38,967 --> 00:37:41,637
Oh, I heard it on Rudy's ham radio.
824
00:37:41,637 --> 00:37:43,680
You don't know the theme
to Perfect Strangers?
825
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,599
- You do?
- [♪ tense music playing]
826
00:37:45,599 --> 00:37:47,392
The theme to Perfect Strangers.
827
00:37:47,392 --> 00:37:51,021
Howard was clocking
the same song on the radio.
828
00:37:51,021 --> 00:37:52,356
Gimme his book.
829
00:37:54,566 --> 00:37:57,444
Yes! A person came on the line and said,
830
00:37:57,444 --> 00:37:59,321
"Meet me at 445."
831
00:37:59,321 --> 00:38:01,573
What is the deal with these ham radios?
832
00:38:01,573 --> 00:38:04,660
I mean, are we in some
sort of doomsday cult?
833
00:38:04,660 --> 00:38:07,579
You know, Vince had this photo
of everyone on this floor,
834
00:38:07,579 --> 00:38:10,249
and someone was holding
Rudy's hand with the pig,
835
00:38:10,249 --> 00:38:12,000
and their face was crossed out.
836
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:13,836
Maybe that's who was on the radio.
837
00:38:13,836 --> 00:38:17,965
Okay, but what is 445?
Is that an address? A time?
838
00:38:17,965 --> 00:38:19,550
It's a frequency!
839
00:38:20,801 --> 00:38:21,927
Oh, my gosh!
840
00:38:21,927 --> 00:38:23,345
[Oliver and Charles grunting]
841
00:38:23,887 --> 00:38:26,265
[scrubbing, static]
842
00:38:26,265 --> 00:38:28,851
- [♪ bits of music playing]
- [Oliver] Ah! Could you help me?
843
00:38:28,851 --> 00:38:30,519
[Charles] Yeah, I gotcha.
844
00:38:30,519 --> 00:38:31,645
[static stops]
845
00:38:32,437 --> 00:38:34,481
Hello? Hello?
846
00:38:35,774 --> 00:38:39,611
"OMIT-B" paging "Perfect Strangers,"
do you copy?
847
00:38:39,611 --> 00:38:41,238
- [radio beeps]
- [static]
848
00:38:41,238 --> 00:38:42,698
[speaker] [on radio, distorted] Hello?
849
00:38:42,698 --> 00:38:44,783
You shouldn't be on this frequency.
850
00:38:45,993 --> 00:38:48,537
- Who is Dudenoff?
- And what's with all the ham?
851
00:38:48,537 --> 00:38:49,913
Do you know who's out to get me?
852
00:38:49,913 --> 00:38:51,540
[speaker] [on radio, distorted]
The last person
853
00:38:51,540 --> 00:38:53,542
who came around
asking these questions got killed.
854
00:38:53,542 --> 00:38:55,878
- [pig squeals]
- I love you, Hammy Faye Bakker!
855
00:38:55,878 --> 00:38:58,881
- [snorting]
- [♪ dramatic music playing]
856
00:38:59,798 --> 00:39:01,508
Well, that solves that mystery.
857
00:39:01,508 --> 00:39:04,887
[speaker] [on radio, distorted]
I tell you. Drop this, or you'll be next!
858
00:39:04,887 --> 00:39:07,014
- [distorted static]
- [Hammy Faye Bakker squealing]
859
00:39:07,014 --> 00:39:08,098
[grunts]
860
00:39:08,098 --> 00:39:10,267
[♪ soft jaunty music playing]
861
00:39:30,162 --> 00:39:32,164
♪
862
00:39:53,852 --> 00:39:55,229
[♪ music ends]
863
00:39:55,229 --> 00:39:57,898
[♪ fanfare playing]