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(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SHEEP BLEATING)
(DRUM RHYTHM STARTS)
(MORE PERCUSSION JOINS RHYTHM)
(FLUTE TUNE BEGINS)
(CHEERFUL GUITAR TUNE)
GIRL: 'Chemistry is everything.' (MUSIC FADES)
'Energy, elements, invisible bonds.
And me, Flavia de Luce.
I inherited my love of both chemistry and adventure
from my mother, Harriet, whose lab this is.'
(BLEATING CONTINUES OUTSIDE)
'In fact, I was almost born
on one of her adventures during the war,
according to Father.'
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Mmm. Mmm!
Glad to see your appetite's come back.
Mmm, mmm!
It's these knafehs. I just can't stop eating them.
Oh, dear. I am awful.
(SIGHS) Right.
I'm off to see a man about a stamp.
What, another? This one, my darling,
is a British Guyana two-cent Cotton-Reel
once owned by King Farouk.
Gosh, how thrilling. (CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES) Mmm. Goodbye, Ratty.
Goodbye, Mole. Mmm.
Oh, may I?
Go on, then. Mmm.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GENTLE, CURIOUS MUSIC)
(VEHICLE ENGINE PASSES)
(IN GERMAN)
(MUSIC RHYTHM BUILDS)
(LOUD, OVERLAPPING CHATTER) (HORN HONKING)
(MUSIC LULLS)
Madam!
(CURIOUS MUSIC RESUMES)
(IN ARABIC)
Ah!
(SIGHS) Ah...
(IN ARABIC)
(TENSE NOTE)
(IN ARABIC)
(LOUDLY, IN ARABIC)
(GASPS) (WHISTLES)
(SHOUTS IN ARABIC) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
(IN ARABIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
(GASPING) Ooh.
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)
(PANTING) Courage, my love. We can do this.
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)
(SIGHS)
Havilland? (PANTING) Hmm?
Harriet, what's going on? Can't talk, darling!
(TENSE MUSIC) I see.
Don't worry, we'll shake 'em.
(SHOUTING IN GERMAN) (WOMAN SCREAMS)
(GUNSHOTS) (PANICKED SHOUTING)
Alright, darling? Yes, alright.
(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
Car. Right.
I can get us to London in four days. Three if the wind is with us.
(HINGES SQUEAK) Harriet, next time The Nest sends you on a mission,
could you let me know about it? (GRUNTS)
(SIGHS) You know I'm not allowed to discuss it.
Perhaps when we get to the airfield, I should take the yoke.
I know it's your plane, but... OK, I suppose just this once.
(GUNSHOTS) Ooh. Oh!
Do hurry, darling, or there'll be three of us on the plane.
(GUNSHOT) (ENGINE REVS)
OK, ready? (PANTING)
Oh! Ready. (SIGHS)
(ENGINE ROARS) (GUNFIRE)
(HORN HONKING)
(GRAND, RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
(AEROPLANE ENGINE RUMBLING)
(MUSIC BUILDS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) (COOING)
Isn't she perfect? She is. (CHUCKLES)
(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS) Oh!
Harriet. Havilland.
Auntie. (SIGHS) Daphne and Ophelia.
Good morning, Aunt Felicity. Mrs Mullet.
(SHEEP BLEATING) Well, let's see this baby.
Girls, follow me, please.
(GURGLES)
Moldwarp. (WHISPERS) Pignut.
(COOS) Felicity, meet
Flavia Sabine de Luce. (COOS)
Yes, indeed. (SOFT, CURIOUS MUSIC BEGINS)
We have a new fledgling in The Nest.
I think she might just - have the stuff. - Mmm. (CHUCKLES)
(COOS) Right then. I haven't much time.
Ah. Our Cairo agent gave me this shawl.
Here you are. Yes.
Let's see... (SOFTLY) Hmm.
Knit, purl. Knit, knit, purl. (CHUCKLES)
(INHALES) Some kind of secret code.
Well done, Harriet.
This will ruin Hitler's day.
(INHALES) Mrs Mullet?
Yes, ma'am.
Hmm.
(COOING) (GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SIGHS) (CHUCKLES)
Hmm.
(SINGS) # See the pyramids
(COOING) ♪ Along the Nile
♪ Watch the sunrise
♪ On a tropic isle
(RECORDING OF "YOU BELONG TO ME" BY JO STAFFORD FADES IN)
♪ But just remember, darling
♪ All the while
♪ You belong to me ♪
(SONG FADES OUT) (BUBBLING)
'Mother taught me that chemistry is the story
of how everything, the whole of creation,
is held together by invisible bonds.
And the more energy you put into these bonds,
the harder they are to break.
If only it were the same for families.
(TWO KNOCKS ON DOOR)
(MUFFLED) Flavia, open up.
What's the password?
Open up! It's an emergency.
(CURIOUS MUSIC STOPS) (SIGHS)
(HINGES SQUEAK)
What kind of emergency?
What have you done with Mummy's pearls,
you odious prawn? (GASPS)
We know you filched them.
I'm not the keeper of your trinkets.
Moldwarp. Pignut.
Why do you two always gang up on me?
Shall we tell her? It's time.
We're not really your sisters.
What? Mummy picked you up
at the home for unwed mothers. (CHUCKLES)
I don't believe you.
Besides, everyone always says I look just like Harriet.
Oh, yes, that's why she chose you.
Because of the resemblance.
That's ridiculous! No, honestly.
I'll never forget Mummy... (BUBBLING)
(GASPS) (BUBBLING AND SIZZLING)
(TENSE MUSIC STARTS) (GASPS)
Those were Mummy's pearls.
She left them for me.
Do you want to know something else?
You're the reason Mummy never came back.
She couldn't bear to look at your ugly face a moment longer.
(INHALES SHARPLY, SCREAMS)
(TENSE MUSIC STOPS)
(CLOCK TICKING, BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS) Rubbish.
Any fool can see it's an ordinary mis-perforation.
Good morning, Father, dear. Ah.
Girls. No sign of Flavia?
It's nearly 12.
(TENSE, MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
(MONKEYS SCREECHING)
'Charles Darwin once said
that the fiercest competition for survival
comes from one's own tribe.
Clearly, he had sisters.' (PANTING)
No, this won't do.
I always say better three hours too early than a minute too late.
(GASPS) (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
To tell you the truth, Father,
Daphne and I are quite concerned about Flavia.
It's true. She's becoming positively feral.
Feral?
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)
(LOCK CLICKS)
(CHIMING, CUCKOO CHIRPING)
(CLOCK CHIMING LOUDLY)
(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LOCK CLICKS) (GASPS)
(PANTING)
Well, she spends all her time in Uncle Tar's laboratory doing God knows what.
(PANTING)
Well, your mother loved that laboratory.
(CLOCK CHIMING) (PANTING) Oh...
She used Mummy's pearls as one of her beastly experiments.
And her language. You wouldn't believe the things that come out of her mouth.
Gadzooks!
The other day, she told me to... (WHISPERS) put a sock in it.
- Huh! - I think she gets it from the wireless.
(BEAR ROARS) (TENSE NOTES)
She ought to be sent away, really. To a proper school.
Hmm.
(CLOCK CHIMES) (TENSE MUSIC STOPS)
(CLICKS TONGUE) Hello, Father. Sisters, dear.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Beast, how did you get out?
You should've tied my thumbs together. Moron.
(SIGHS) Flavia, a word.
How was the royal stamp exhibition, Father?
Um... You were going up to examine
a pair of Inverted Jennies, weren't you?
(DISTANT CUTLERY CLATTERING)
Well, Y- Yes. Not- Not bad, thank you.
But the, uh, the real excitement... (SIGHS HEAVILY)
...was a complete set of Rhodesian Admirals.
(CHUCKLES) Father is incapable
of thinking of stamps and discipline at the same time.
Entirely ungummed.
Gosh! How thrilling.
(RUSHING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Here we are. Hot out the oven.
(SIZZLING) Baked rabbit and onions.
Ohh, well, thank you, Mrs Mullet.
And I've a special treat for supper! (CHUCKLES)
(INHALES) A custard pie.
Ohhh. Really, Mrs Mullet, you needn't go to such trouble.
No trouble at all, sir.
I know how the girls depreciate it. (CHUCKLES)
(RUSHING FOOTSTEPS DEPART) (YELPS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
What is that? A dead bird.
One can see that, Flavia. I meant on its beak.
(OMINOUS MUSIC SOFTENS)
Golly.
It's a Penny Black, isn't it, Father? (PANTING)
(OMINOUS NOTES)
Dispose of that thing.
(MUSIC FADES OUT) (SHOUTS) At once!
Please, Mrs Mullet.
Y- Yes, Colonel.
That's all I need,
to be to deposing dead birds.
We're not done with you.
Moldwarp. Pignut.
(SIGHS)
(BIRD CHIRPING OUTSIDE)
(SHUDDERS) Urgh!
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
Dogger!
Wait for me!
(PANTING)
(INSECTS CHIRRUPING) Small, brownish,
with a stamp on its beak.
A Penny Black.
Odd.
Yes, miss?
Place contact arms B and C directly on the lobes of cam D.
Alright. Now, please...
(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
(SIGHS) (SIGHS)
Blast.
Might it be the battery?
Might be anything.
Mrs Harriet took such care of her car,
but after she went away, she...
Something wrong, miss?
It's only that Daphne and Ophelia were saying that I was adopted.
Families.
They're a bit like a chemistry set.
Some people, your sisters, for example,
quite basic elements.
Others are much rarer.
Like argon.
And you, miss.
Thanks, Dogger. (CHUCKLES)
(CAR CREAKS, THUD)
(SOFT CLANKING IN ENGINE)
Uh, it's, "Leaves of three, let it be,"
right?
Poison ivy?
I believe it was Confucius who said,
"On a journey to revenge,
be sure to dig two graves."
(CURIOUS NOTES) (CHUCKLES)
(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)
'Most chemists have a favourite corner of their craft.
Mine happens to be poisons.
'This is the way the ancient alchemists practised their art.'
(LIQUID BUBBLING) 'Heat and steam.
Action and reaction.
Frost and flame.'
(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC LULLS) (FAINT SNORING)
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
(GROANS)
Don't be so revolting, Flavia.
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC BUILDS)
(MUSIC STOPS) (DISTANT SHOUTING) Get out!
MAN (FAINTLY): You're not treating me like that?
After all these years, asking for favours.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
Jacko, let's not argue.
We used to be such friends, didn't we?
Don't you put on airs with me, Jacko.
After all, we've known each other
since we were in short pants at Greyminster.
You are a loathsome, despicable... (INHALES)
(MUSIC STOPS) Teesdale was too kind to you.
Teesdale? Old Cuppa?
(CHUCKLES)
It's exactly 30 years since...
(THROUGH TEETH) Since we killed him.
(TENSE MUSIC STARTS) Be reasonable.
What's a couple of thousand to you?
You must have come into a fair bit when Harriet-
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
SHUT your filthy mouth.
Now, what are you going to do with that, huh?
Bash me over the head, huh?
(CHUCKLING)
You don't have it in you, Jacko. Don't push me.
(GASPS) (TENSE MUSIC STOPS)
(ARGUMENT CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(INSECTS CHIRRUPING) (CLOCK TICKING)
(DISTANT FOOTSTEPS)
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(SCRAPING)
(TICKING GROWS LOUDER)
(DOOR CREAKING)
(OMINOUS NOTE)
(CURIOUS, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(MUSIC ENDS)
That's odd.
(INSECTS CHIRRUPING) (OWL HOOTING)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
(CHIRRUPING & HOOTING GETS LOUDER)
(SIGHS) Oh, Harriet, my love, where are you?
(SNIFFLING) (SOMBRE MUSIC)
My darling, it's all catching up to me.
(CRYING)
(SOMBRE MUSIC) (GASPS)
(HITTING CAR) Damn it! Damn it!
(INHALES DEEPLY AND SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(SNIFFLES) (INHALES)
(SIGHS DEEPLY) (MUSIC ENDS)
(OWL HOOTING)
Dogger? (ANIMAL SCREECHES)
Is that you? (SCREECHES)
(THUD) (GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
(DRAMATIC NOTES)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Um... Are you...?
(BREATH SHUDDERS)
(INHALES SHARPLY) (GASPS LOUDLY)
Vah-lay!
(WHEEZES)
(UNSETTLING MUSIC)
(GASPS)
(SNIFFING, GASPS)
(WHISPERED VOICEOVER) 'That smell. I know that smell!'
(GASPS) Oh! (PANTING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) (PANTING)
There's a body.
In the garden! (PANTING)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
Where's your father?
He's...
in Harriet's car.
I'll have to ring the police.
(LIVELY RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
(HANDBRAKE CLICKS)
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) (BIRDS TWEETING)
Good morning.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
You must be Miss de Luce.
Flavia, please.
I'm Inspector Hewitt.
This is Detective Sergeant Woolmer, Detective Sergeant Graves.
Is your father at home? He is.
But he's indisposed.
(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Good morning, sir. Morning.
Everything alright, Flavia?
Perfectly, Mrs Mullet. Thank you.
Well, Inspector, I suppose you'd like to take a dekko at the corpse?
Corpse, did you say?
I'm afraid so, Mrs Mullet. Yes.
Good Lord. (CROW CAWS)
Follow me, Inspector.
(SIGHS)
Hmm.
(UNSETTLING MUSIC)
(SOFT CRACKING SOUND)
You'll notice signs of rigor mortis and lividity.
As well as early signs of putrefaction.
Thank you, Miss de Luce.
We'll take it from here.
Thank you.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
When you're ready, find out - where the father is. - Yes, sir.
(MUSIC FADES)
Graphite? (SIGHS)
Yes, that's right, miss.
Just like they use in your school pencils.
But the police use it for- Fingerprints.
And that would be luminol, used to test for haemoglobin.
Uh, Miss de Luce,
do you think you could find anyone who might make us a cup of tea?
Do you think you could manage to rustle something up?
I'll see what can be arranged, Inspector.
Thank you.
Oh, and we'll come in for it.
No need for you to come out again.
(CURIOUS MUSIC) So that's how it is.
The only female in sight is promptly enlisted
to trot off and boil some water.
(CURIOUS MUSIC BECOMES TENSE)
(DOOR SHUTS) (SIGHS)
Rustle something up... (MUSIC FADES)
What does he take me for, a cowboy?
Shouldn't you be at breakfast?
The police are asking for some tea. Tea?
But I haven't made any biscuits!
I shouldn't go to any great effort.
(CURIOUS, MAGICAL NOTE) Biscuits.
Biscuits, there we are.
Oh, four eggs, right.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
(UTENSILS CLATTERING) Scoot.
(CURIOUS MUSIC STOPS)
Sorry I'm late.
I had to speak to the police.
About the body.
Which I found in the garden.
Murdered, most likely.
(SIGHS)
Well, who was it, then?
No idea.
Was there much blood? Not a drop.
How did he die, then?
My money's on poison. (CRUNCHES)
Perhaps he ate some of Mrs Mullet's cooking.
Actually, I noticed a slice of pie missing.
Did either of you eat some?
(SCOFFS) (LAUGHS)
No, of course not.
Oh.
I beg your pardon. The telephone?
It's in the cupboard - under the stairs. - Thank you.
(PLAYFUL RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
Who is that extremely athletic individual?
That is Detective Sergeant Graves.
I think- I think I'm just going to go and change my jumper.
Better put on some lipstick while you're at it.
You're looking a tad peaky. (CHUCKLES QUIETLY)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY)
(DOOR CREAKS) (MUSIC ENDS)
(BIRDS TWEETING)
Coroner.
Flavia.
(CROWS CAWING)
First corpse, always the hardest.
Stays with you the longest.
Morning, Fred.
Morning, Inspector.
Anyone we know?
Doesn't seem like it.
No identification, empty pockets.
Oh.
We do have reason to believe he may have recently travelled from Norway.
Typical, innit?
Bloody Norwegians.
Can't they die at home?
Quite.
Would you care to speculate on time of death?
(SIGHS) Oof...
Uh...
Have a guess?
Midnight?
Mm-mmm.
(CROW CAWING) (AWKWARD MUSIC)
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
I'm warning you! You step away! Dogger!
I understand, sir. I just still need your fingerprints.
(PANTING) Step back.
Steady on, Dogger.
I've got him covered.
Miss de Luce.
Is that you? You're... Don't move.
I'm so sorry.
Is it broken?
I borrowed it yesterday to cut a bit of twine,
and I might have jammed the blade.
(CROWS CAWING) (KNIFE FOLDING UP)
Miss de Luce!
A word, if I may.
Who was that man to whom you were just speaking?
Dogger.
First name?
Flavia.
Flavi... (PEN STOPS SCRATCHING)
(INHALES) Miss de Luce,
I warn you, I will brook no frivolity.
I serve His Majesty King George VI,
and King George VI is not a frivolous man.
Do I make myself quite clear?
Yes, Inspector.
His name is Arthur, Arthur Dogger.
(PEN SCRATCHING) (SLOWLY) Arthur Dogger.
And he's the gardener here?
Well, now, yes.
Now?
He was a medical student before the war.
He and Father were prisoners of war together at the fall of Singapore.
Spent time in Changi Prison Camp.
And then...
Dogger was put to work on the death railway in Burma.
How appalling.
When he got back,
his nerves were... (INHALES)
(INHALES) Do you mean to say that,
perhaps, Mr Dogger is happiest in the garden?
Now, Miss de Luce,
who discovered the body? I did.
(INHALES) Well, that must've been a terrible shock.
Shock?
It's the most interesting thing that's ever happened to me.
(SIGHS) Devastating.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (FAINTLY) What are you suggesting?
Closing my eyes? No, sir.
Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)
Colonel de Luce, sir.
I found him in the coach house, sir, holed up in an old motor car.
And who are you?! Why are you in my house?
Uh, Inspector Hewitt.
Hinley Constabulary, sir.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Right, well...
Is there a problem, Inspector?
Uh, you could say that, sir.
A corpse has turned up in your garden.
Murdered?
Well, we- we- we haven't ascertained that yet.
Hmm.
May I ask you a few questions, sir?
Yes, of course.
You were outside the house since last evening?
(CURIOUS MUSIC STARTS) Yes, I went down to the coach house
where the detective sergeant found me.
Do you recall what time you left, sir?
Hmm, it was around, uh, three in the morning.
Mind telling me what you were doing there, sir?
I mind very much.
Oh, indeed.
Did- Did you see anyone else about? Not a soul.
And finally, sir, yesterday, did it contain anything
that struck you as...
well, unusual or extraordinary?
Uh, perhaps even suspicious?
No, I can't think of a single thing.
(SCOFFS) Well...
There was that dead bird.
(LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC)
Bird, you say?
With a Penny Black on its beak.
Isn't that right, Father?
(TENSE MUSIC)
(GROANS, SIGHS)
Father! Flavia.
Please don't make a scene, there's a good girl.
Your father has agreed to come with us to the station
to answer some more questions.
Why can't he answer them here? This is standard police procedure.
Now, don't forget church. Tomorrow morning, hmm?
(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SIGHS)
(ENGINE REVS)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Will they keep him?
I hope not, miss.
They've taken Father!
(SIGHS) Well, surely they won't keep him. He's a de Luce.
(SOFTLY) What?
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
'Alright, Flavia. Where's your gumption?
There must be something you can do.'
(SIGHS) 'Think.
Think!'
(VOICE ECHOES) Teesdale?
Old Cuppa?
It's exactly 30 years since we...
(THROUGH TEETH) Since we killed him. (CHUCKLES)
(GASPS)
'An event like that would surely have made the papers.'
Come on, Gladys.
(BELL JINGLES) We've got work to do.
(EXCITING, ADVENTUROUS MUSIC)
(BIKE BELL RINGS)
(CAR ENGINE ROARS)
(BELL RINGS) Oh! Sorry, Flavia.
Sorry, Tom!
(MUSIC STOPS) (DOG BARKING)
(SIGHS)
Hello? Miss Mountjoy? (CHEERFUL NOTE)
Well?
What is it? (CROW CAWING)
Speak up, child!
I wish to peruse the newspaper archives, if you please.
What does a little girl want with a newspaper archive?
I have found that a lie wrapped in detail,
like a horse pill in an apple,
goes down with greater ease.
It's for my Aunt Marjorie.
She's got the glaucoma.
Poor thing.
She wanted me to look up the date of the St Tancred's picnic in 1920.
That's the year her begonias-
There's no room for them here,
so they're piled up in the old shed,
if the rats haven't eaten them.
(STERNLY) We close in ten minutes.
(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)
(CROWS CAWING) (WINGS FLUTTERING)
(DOG BARKING)
(SHED DOOR RATTLES & CREAKS)
(FAINT SQUEAKING)
(DISTANT HORSE NEIGHS & NICKERS)
(OWL HOOTING)
Greyminster.
Father's school yearbooks.
(SQUEAKING) (GASPS) Shoo!
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
(LOW, CURIOUS MUSIC)
The Hinley Chronicle.
1920.
(TENSE VIOLIN NOTES)
"Grenville Teesdale,
a popular Latin teacher at Greyminster School,
fell to his death on Monday from the Greyminster Tower
in an accident that is being described
as simply inexplicable."
(distant horse nickers) "Said one of the boys,
'He climbed up onto the parapet,
gave us the Roman salute.
"Vale", he shouted,
and down he came.'" (DISTANT HORSE NEIGHS)
(TENSE NOTE) Vale!
(DOOR RATTLES AND CREAKS) Time's up.
(DRAMATIC NOTE) (GASPS)
Miss Mountjoy, you must know Latin.
What does "vale" mean?
Second person singular imperative
of the verb "valere", to farewell.
In other words...
Goodbye?
Precisely.
(GASPS SOFTLY)
(DISTANT HORSE NEIGHS)
(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPENS AND CREAKS)
(PENSIVE MUSIC STARTS)
(DOOR CREAKS AND SHUTS)
(GASPS)
(MUSIC BECOMES MORE UPBEAT) (BELL RINGING)
(WINGS FLAPPING, BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(SIGHS)
Drat!
He beat me to it.
(CURIOUS RHYTHMIC MUSIC)
(WINGS FLAPPING) (DISTANT INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(HINGES SQUEAK)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER & LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC ENDS) MAN: ..wasting your time.
There's no Norwegian staying here.
So you say, but if I could just have a look at your register.
Bloody hell, I'm trying to run a business here, Inspector.
Mr Tully, I am the law.
I demand to see your register.
Well, I've only got one guest. Room three.
What's their name? F X Sanders.
Sanders?
That doesn't sound very Norwegian. That's what I've been saying.
Tell me, Mr Tully,
does this Sanders have red hair? (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
Red as rhubarb. (GASPS)
Show me to his room.
Well, I'll have to get the spare keys.
(LOUDLY) You seen the keys anywhere, love?
(HINGES SQUEAK)
(SOFT, CURIOUS MUSIC)
H B.
So, Sanders might be an alias.
(GENTLE POP)
(SNIFFS)
Insulin. (SIGHS)
So, Mr Sanders was a diabetic.
But where is the syringe?
(CURIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
(GASPS SOFTLY)
Stockholm.
Amsterdam.
Stavanger.
Isn't that in Norway?
(GASPS)
(WHISPERS) There's something in here.
(CURIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
(GASPS)
(MUSIC BECOMES TENSE) (GASPS)
Crikers!
(CURIOUS NOTE) TULLY: Murdered?
(GASPS) (MUSIC FADES)
But who's gonna pay for his room? Bloody hell.
(DOOR CREAKS)
Mr Sanders?
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
This is the police.
I thought you said he was dead.
I heard something.
(SIGHS)
(GOOSE HONKING)
(SIGHS)
(CURIOUS MUSIC BUILDS)
(DOOR SCRAPING) (MUSIC STOPS)
Oh, hello, Inspector!
Mr Tully.
Bloody hell.
Flavia de Luce, I will not tolerate
any more interference in my investigation. Do you understand?
Oh, jeez! Oh! Careful, sir.
Butter fingers. (CHUCKLES)
Here's your camera, sir. Ah. Thank you.
There you go. Thank you.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) (DOGS BARKING)
(HORSE NICKERS) No more meddling.
Is that clear?
Yes, Inspector.
(DRUM BEATS)
(CURIOUS, PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(BIKE BRAKES SQUEAL)
Sorry, Gladys!
(MUSIC SOFTENS)
(LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC)
(CAR APPROACHING)
(INSECTS CHIRRUPING)
(CAR STOPS, DOOR OPENS)
Inspector. (OWL HOOTING)
Ah. Yeah, Mr Dogger. (CAR DOOR SHUTS)
This is all going to take a little longer than we expected.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PANTING)
What was the inspector doing here?
They're charging Father with murder.
What? Oh, I can't bear it.
He'll be hanged. (INHALES SHAKILY) This is all your fault.
My fault?
You had to go and tell the inspector about that stupid bird.
(GASPS)
Can't take it back now.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SNIFFS, SIGHS)
(HEAVY BREATHING ECHOES)
(SIGHS)
(TENSE MUSIC BECOMES INTRIGUING)
Lithium...
Rubidium...
Strontium...
(SOFTLY) Barium...
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC FADES) (GEESE HONKING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (SOFT ORGAN MUSIC)
MOUNTJOY: Bury him in OUR churchyard?
VICAR: Luke 6:36. "Be therefore merciful."
(ANGRILY) You can keep your mercy, Vicar.
He was found in the de Luces' garden.
(ALL EXCLAIM AND MURMUR IN SHOCK)
We don't have to bury him here.
(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)
Flavia...
Vicar.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING) (SIGHS)
Oh, there's Max, the town gossip.
(FAINTLY) Jessamine Neep, strangled.
You- You mentioned something about a Roman well?
Haroo, Max! Haroo, mon vieux.
Dreadful news up at Buckshaw. Oh, yes.
Max...
Oh, Mr Pemberton, may I introduce Flavia de Luce.
How do you do? De Luce?
Of the Buckshaw de Luces? That's right.
Oh, but this is wonderful!
I was hoping to pay a visit to Buckshaw.
You see, I'm a gongoozler.
(DISTANT HORSE NICKERS) I... beg your pardon?
It's like trainspotting for canals.
Well, not- not- not just canals, all kinds of waterways.
Conduits, creeks,
ornamental lakes, much like yours at Buckshaw.
But our lake was filled in years ago.
I was hoping to speak to your father about taking a few photographs.
Please tell him I'll be staying at the Thirteen Drakes until Tuesday.
I think, perhaps, I saw you there.
Erm... Possibly. (CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Max, do you happen to know where Miss Mountjoy lives?
What do you want with her?
She dropped this at church.
And I just wanted to return it to her,
but I don't know where she lives.
Willow Villa, on Brick Lane.
The one that looks like a witch's house.
(CROW CAWING) Thanks, Max.
Good day, Mr Pemberton.
Sad story, the de Luces.
The mother, Harriet, was an aviatrix.
She disappeared in Nepal during the war.
Her body was never recovered.
(LOW, OMINOUS NOTES)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC NOTE) What are you doing here?
(MUSIC STOPS)
I just wanted to talk to you.
What about?
Why did you walk out of church?
That is none of your business.
It had something to do with the stranger
whose body I found in the garden, didn't it?
You found it?
Yes.
Then tell me...
(GASPS) Did it have red hair?
(OMINOUS NOTES)
Yes. (SIGHS) I knew it!
I saw him at the Thirteen Drakes,
swaggering around,
those cold, blue eyes.
I knew that it could only be Horace Bonepenny.
Horace Bonepenny?
H B. Who is he?
The monster who killed my uncle.
(GASPS)
(EXHALES)
(QUIETLY) Your uncle was Mr Teesdale?
That's right.
He was murdered. Murdered?
By those two boys,
as surely as if they'd stuck a dagger in his heart.
(EXHALES)
Who was the other one?
They all had nicknames in that stamp club.
Conky, Bodger, Gigger.
Bonepenny was Bony.
The other was called...
(SIGHS) Oh, I...
(TUTS)
(VOICE ECHOES) Oh, come on, Jacko.
Don't you put on airs with me, Jacko!
You don't have it in you, Jacko.
(ECHOES) Don't push me.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(INHALES)
Jacko.
(SHUDDERING INHALE)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONCLUDES)
'I don't believe it.
I don't believe Father is capable of killing anyone.'
(PENSIVE MUSIC)
"The theft of a rare stamp from the Royal Collection
brought a sad end to the most prestigious exhibition of the year.
The stamp, known as the Orange Avenger,
is considered priceless due to its supreme singularity."
But if this is the only Orange Avenger in the world,
how do I have two of them?
And where is the Penny Black?
(MUSIC FADES) (CLOCK TICKING)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING) (SIGHS)
(BIRD CHIRPING)
(RATTLING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
Harriet's dressing room.
Sealed up when she left us.
'In eight years, not one of us has dared to try and open it.'
(WIND CHIMES TINKLING) (WIND GUSTING)
(GENTLE, CURIOUS MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER ECHOES) Oh, well done, Flavia!
Now, potassium?
Well done, you clever girl!
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
(WIND CHIMES TINKLING)
(CURIOUS NOTE)
(CLATTERING IN LOCK) (SIGHS)
(DING)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
Who winds this watch?
Father?
Every day?
"In honour of baby Flavia,
our newest fledgling...
From your friends in The Nest."
'In The Nest?'
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
(CLOCK CHIMES ONE) (MUSIC FADES)
(TICKING) FATHER (ECHOES): I always say,
better three hours too early than a minute too late.
Father would never let a clock run slow.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
'Unless...
(TICKING STOPS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
'What was it about this stamp that frightened Father so?
Father told me once that stamps are printed in rows of 20 times 12.
Each stamp carries a two-letter identifier,
beginning with AA on the top left of the sheet,
ending with TL on the bottom right.'
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
One penny. That's the price.
One penny H.
Bonepenny H!
'Horace Bonepenny.'
(ECHOES) Horace Bonepenny,
the monster who killed my uncle.
(ECHOES) Shut your filthy mouth!
(WHEEZES)
(ECHOES) What are you going to do with that? Bash me over the head?
(ECHOES) You are a vile, despicable...
Don't push me.
(WHISPER ECHOES) Crikers!
(RAINFALL) (LIVELY MUSIC)
(ENGINE RUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Hey! Keep moving!
(EXCITING MUSIC)
It's not mine! Leave it out, mate.
(DISTANT PHONE RINGING)
Hello, miss.
You lost your kitten? (CHUCKLES)
My name is Flavia Sabine de Luce,
and I'm here to confess to a murder.
(AWKWARD NOTE, MUSIC STOPS)
It's quite simple, Inspector.
I heard a noise in the garden, and I went out to investigate.
And someone jumped out at me from the shadows and-
The shadows? Where exactly?
Behind the potting shed.
I was struggling to get free,
when there was a sudden gurgle in his throat, like...
...like a man suffering a myocardial infarction.
A what?
A heart attack.
So, how long were you struggling
with this sickly, dying man
before you realised you'd murdered him?
(DISTANT PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
I'm listening.
I'm not telling you another thing until I speak to Father.
That's out of the question.
Look, Inspector, why don't we make a deal?
(CHUCKLES)
What kind of deal? You let me speak to Father,
and I'll tell you everything I know about the victim.
Listen, Flavia...
He was a diabetic.
Yes. We know that.
Because that's what we do here
at the Hinley Constabulary.
We investigate the facts
in a thorough, impartial and efficient manner.
(DISTANT BELL RINGING)
(INHALES) No, um...
There's not much you can tell us...
(DRAWER SCRAPES, CLANGS)
...about the recently departed Mr Sanders.
Except, it seems...
...his real name.
(DISTANT PHONE RINGING)
(PANEL SCRAPES)
(GASPS, GRUNTS) (KEYS JANGLING)
Father. No, please, In- Inspector.
I beg you, take her away.
15 minutes, Flavia.
No more.
(INHALES)
(DISTANT INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Who brought you here? Him? I came on my own.
(SIGHS) Oh, good Lord! Look, Father.
We haven't much time. (SIGHS DEEPLY)
I overheard your quarrel with Bonepenny.
I know he was trying to blackmail you.
That's why I told the inspector that I killed him.
You what?!
They can't hang me, you see. I'm a minor.
I want you to know I don't blame you for what you did.
I'm sure he was a dreadful man and fully deserved to die.
Do you really think
that your father is capable of murder?
Then why did Bonepenny say that you killed your teacher, Mr Teesdale?
(INHALES)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
I was a solitary lad at school.
Unbearably homesick.
(GENTLE, CURIOUS MUSIC) (INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
If it hadn't been for our Latin master, Mr Teesdale,
I... don't know if I would've survived.
He founded the Magic Circle Club
as a way of helping those boys who didn't fit in.
(SIGHS)
Well done, Jacko. (APPLAUSE)
Who's next?
'It was there that I first met Horace Bonepenny.
He was even more of a misfit than I was.
Bony was a... natural conjurer.'
(APPLAUSE) 'The French Drop.
The Haunted Handkerchief.' (CURIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
(EXCLAMATIONS, CHUCKLING, APPLAUSE)
'The Ghost Light.' (POOF)
ALL: Woah! Well done!
(APPLAUSE) 'He knew them all.'
You were a conjurer?
No, no, no, no. That was Horace's passion.
Mine was for something far more exciting.
Stamp collecting.
(SIGHS)
Another of Teesdale's passions.
Penny Black.
In perforate.
1841, I would guess.
'But there was one other master at Greyminster who could outmatch it.
Our headmaster, Dr Kissing.' There. There. You see?
'Most of Kissing's collection was fairly run-of-the-mill,
except for one stamp. (EXCLAMATIONS)
One stamp of inestimable value.
It was our most fervent desire to get a glimpse of that stamp.
And then...
...one fateful night...
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SOUND DISTORTS)
(MECHANISM CLANKING, ECHOES)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(MUSIC STOPS) By this time,
Bonepenny had found a... new friend and accomplice.
(WHISPERING) 'An older boy named Bob Stanley
with whom he'd begun to spend all his time.'
Hello, Bony. Bob.
(MIMICS) Hello, Bony. Bob. (SNORTS)
Now, as I told you before,
my grandfather was a partner in the firm PKP,
Perkins, Kissing and Petch. (CURIOUS MUSIC)
Sole printers of British postage stamps at the time of Queen Victoria.
Now, in 1841, a terrorist group
managed to ink a set of orange stamps
with the aim of igniting a violent uprising against the queen.
Now, this was at a time
when a mere stamp could inspire a revolution.
(ALL MURMURING) The plot was uncovered,
and the stamps destroyed.
All except one.
AA, which was reserved for Queen Victoria
as a memento of her escape from death.
However, there was another stamp,
TL, from the opposite corner,
which my grandfather secretly kept for himself,
a stamp of priceless value... (ALL MURMURING)
...which my grandfather left to my father,
and my father left to me. There, you see?
(TWEEZERS CLACK) (ALL GASP) Bonepenny!
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. (MUSIC BECOMES DRAMATIC)
If the king can't have you... (ALL YELLING)
...the devil must! What are you doing?
Oh! (ALL GASP)
(SIGHS)
(WHISPERS) What- What have you done?
Bonepenny, what have you done?
It's OK, sir. It's just a trick.
Now, all of you need to help me to get it back.
If we all join hands and pray...
Come on, Jacko. And you, Bob.
It's not funny, Bony. (SIGHS)
Just join hands and form a circle.
Enough of this insolence. Hmm?
Put the stamp back. But, sir!
Put the stamp back.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(INHALES) Alright.
I'll have to go at it myself.
Come back, come back, oh, Orange Queen.
Come and show us where you've been! (DRAMATIC NOTE)
(MURMURS OF RELIEF) Ah!
There. You see?
But this isn't the Avenger.
BOY: What? What?
It's a Canada one cent. What?
I'm... sorry, sir. I must've...
(TENSE MUSIC)
Where's the stamp?
Where is the stamp?!
I'm sorry, sir. It's worked before lots of times.
(OMINOUS NOTE) (SIGHS)
You wretched boy.
Get out. Go on. Go to bed!
(YELLS) All of you, get out!
I'm so sorry, Jacko.
It's not me you should be apologising to.
(DOOR OPENS)
Teesdale?
Headmaster, I- I...
They will have to be punished. All of them.
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
'The caning didn't hurt nearly so much
as the sight of Mr Teesdale's distress.'
(BLOWS LANDING)
(FINAL BLOW ECHOES) He felt...
...responsible, you see.
And then, the very next day...
Look! Up there! On the tower!
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
I say...
is that Mr Teesdale?
'He looked like a prophet from an old manuscript.'
(SHOUTS) Vale!
(AIR WHOOSHING)
(LOUD, DRAMATIC NOTES)
(THUNDER CRASHING)
It was murder.
Horace Bonepenny and I murdered him,
as surely as if we had flung him from the tower with our own hands.
But you had nothing to do with it!
He was just a dear, good man,
an innocent dupe.
When I returned to my room,
I found a strange, uh, sticky spot on my sleeve.
I realised immediately what had happened.
Bonepenny hadn't destroyed the stamp.
He had stuck it onto my cuff,
and then retrieved it later when he shook my hand.
And I...
said...
(WHISPERS) ..nothing.
(CURIOUS MUSIC) Schoolboy's honour.
And all that rot.
What happened to Bonepenny?
He left shortly afterwards.
And Stanley?
He left too.
I heard that he had died when his ship was torpedoed in the war.
I hadn't thought of either of them in years.
And then last week at the exhibition...
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
'I was studying some items from the king's collection.
(WHISPERS) And there it was.
AA.
The twin
of Kissing's stamp.
I thought I had imagined Bonepenny, but...
(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)
(SMASHING)
Bonepenny stole the king's stamp!
When the jack snipe appeared on our doorstep,
I knew he was coming.
Jack Snipe was my nickname at school, or Jacko for short.
The bird was a warning, you see.
But why? What did he want from you?
Blackmail.
The stamps were too notorious to sell,
and so he wanted me to buy them,
threatening to frame me for both thefts if I didn't.
He had it all planned out to the last detail,
like one of his magic tricks.
What did you tell him? The truth.
That I haven't any money. (CHUCKLES)
It's all tied up in taxes.
I may have to sell Buckshaw. What?!
But surely you heard all that when you were listening at the door?
I didn't hear that part! Dogger intercepted me.
Dogger was there?
Yes.
That is what I feared the most.
That he would think I was in danger.
That he would... (THUD, LOCK CLICKING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
Time's up, I'm afraid. Please, Inspector.
Just 5 more minutes. I'm sorry, Flavia.
(INHALES)
Vale.
(SOMBRE MUSIC) (SNIFFLES)
(INHALES) Oh!
(SIGHS)
SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(INHALES SHAKILY) Alright. (GASPS SOFTLY)
(SOFTLY) Flavia...
Flavia. Flavia! (SIGHS)
Courage, my dear.
(SHAKY BREATHS)
(DISTANT MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)
Uh, in- inspector?
A word?
(RAINFALL) (SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)
His name was Horace Bonepenny.
Yes. Thank you.
I was just speaking to Scotland Yard.
Apparently, Bonepenny is a very well-known con man.
Why won't you believe I killed him?
Clever as you are, Flavia,
I don't believe you're capable of murder.
And it wasn't a dicky heart that killed Bonepenny.
(INHALES) The pie, then.
I poisoned it, and he ate it.
According to the report, it was a perfectly ordinary pie.
You've obviously never tasted one of Mrs Mullet's custards.
(INHALES SHAKILY) It's all so unfair!
You haven't got a shred of evidence against my father.
I'm sorry, Flavia,
but your father has just confessed to murder.
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)
Mrs Mullet, may I speak frankly?
(MUSIC FADES) It's about Dogger.
About when he was a prisoner in the war.
(SLOWLY) Did Dogger ever kill anyone?
I mean, besides the enemy.
Your father... (SIGHS)
...saved his life once.
Pulled him out of a burning tank.
Then Dogger did the same for him.
An army bloke went off his head,
tried to kill the colonel with a machete.
Dogger...
...took care of it.
Afterwards, he couldn't remember a thing.
It was the start of his spells, you see.
The things that happened over there...
No man should ever...
(INHALES SHARPLY) Not just men.
Your mother.
Harriet?
(SNIFFLES)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Did you know her?
I worked with your mother during the war.
Very hush-hush.
After your mother left...
(INHALES DEEPLY) I was sent here.
Didn't know the first thing about housekeeping.
(CHUCKLES) Thank goodness for this.
Mrs Mullet, what is...
...The Nest?
Drink up now. (MUG THUDS)
And straight to bed.
(CURIOUS MUSIC FADES IN)
(GASPS)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
FATHER (ECHOES): 'He was just an innocent dupe.'
(SIGHS)
MOUNTJOY (ECHOES): 'He was murdered...
by those two boys.'
(INHALES DEEPLY) It just doesn't add up.
(YELLS) Vale!
(SHOUTING)
(GASPS LOUDLY, PANTING)
(EXCITING MUSIC) (BIRDS CHIRPING)
(DISTANT MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(MUSIC LULLS)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
(LOW, MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
(MUSIC BUILDS, CONCLUDES)
(FLOOR CREAKING)
Is that Rook's End Nursing Home?
I'd like to speak to Dr Kissing.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
It's Mrs Rubbles from Greyminster School,
calling to ask whether he'll be coming for Prize Day this year.
(WHISPERS) Dr Kissing?
He's still alive.
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
(CURIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
(HINGES CREAKING)
(PIGEONS COOING)
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC BECOMES DRAMATIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC LULLS)
(WIND GUSTING) (BIRDS CHIRPING)
(METAL CLINKING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(ECHOES) '"Said one of the boys, He climbed up onto the parapet,
gave us the Roman salute. 'Vale! he shouted."'
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(DISTANT LAUGHTER & CHATTER)
(SIGHS) (BELL RINGING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Huh...
(YELPS, SCREAMS)
(ROPE WHOOSHING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(SHRIEKS)
(POLE CREAKS) (SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS) Argh!
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING) BOY: What was that?
Did you hear that?
(GASPS, PANTING)
Blast.
(PANTING, SIGHS)
(WIND GUSTING)
What have we here? (CURIOUS MUSIC)
A gown.
(SNIFFS)
Eurgh...
(GASPS SOFTLY) And a mortarboard!
(MUSIC BUILDS SLOWLY)
(EXCITING MUSIC) (BIKE BELL RINGS)
(GEAR WHIRRING)
Woohoo!
Fly, Gladys, fly! Woo!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) What's the password?
DOGGER: Cyanide.
(HINGES SQUEAK)
Dogger, what is it? (SIGHS)
Miss Flavia, you know I have moments when I'm...
...not quite myself?
I had one of those moments on the night we...
And now they've charged Colonel de Luce with it.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS)
Dogger.
Tell me everything you remember
about the night that the stranger was killed.
(INHALES) I was in my room.
I heard voices.
I went along to the Colonel's study.
(TENSE PIANO MUSIC) There was someone in the hall.
That was me. I was in the hall.
That was you?
No matter.
What happened after I left?
A man came out, and he walked right past me.
I could've reached out and touched him.
He was talking to himself and... eating a piece of pie.
I knew it wasn't one of us!
Then what?
(THUD) (FIREWORKS EXPLODING)
Fireworks.
Fireworks?
Catherine wheels, skyrockets.
There must've been a fair in town. (THUD)
There was no fair in town.
Are you sure? Trust me.
I'm 11. I know when the fairs are.
What happened next?
I fell asleep.
(GASPS)
'When I woke up, I was on the grass.'
(GROANS) 'It was wet.
And my head felt strange...' (SIGHS)
'..like it does after one of my bad turns.
And you're worried that...
during your bad turn,
you might've killed the stranger?
Who else was there?
(SCREAMS)
(CRYING)
Feely! Speak to me, darling.
What's wrong? It's too ghastly for words.
(CRYING) (CURIOUS MUSIC)
Uh... (CRYING CONTINUES)
(SNIFFLES)
(EXHALES) I'll get some calamine lotion.
(CRYING)
You might want to start digging that second grave, miss.(GASPS)
(CRYING CONTINUES)
(WINCES) (MUSIC CONCLUDES)
Feely, eat something, darling.
I can't. It hurts too much.
Just a little porridge?
Feely...
I'm so sorry.
What are YOU sorry for?
I...
(INHALES) I...
(EXHALES)
It looks very painful.
(KNOCKING) Good God! Who is that?
It's alright. I know him.
That's hardly reassuring.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) Good morning, Flavia!
(SNEEZES) Oh, dear. Hay fever?
A cold, I'm afraid.
What can I help you with, Mr Pemberton?
I found something in the local archives that got my blood pounding.
Did you know that Buckshaw's Buried Lake
was designed by Capability Brown? Yes!
The plans are in Father's study, - actually. - Oh, my.
Do you think I could just take a quick photo of them?
Maybe with the three of you. Erm...
It would be a real feather in my cap
with the Inland Waterways Federation.
There's Dogger. I could ask him.
Oh, no, no. Don't- Don't bother a working man. Hello!
No, it was just a thought.
Thank you, Flavia.
It was good to meet you. We'll meet again sometime.
A visitor, Miss Flavia?
His name is Pemberton.
He's a gongoozler.
He wanted to see the blueprints of the buried lake.
You're quite sure that's what he's interested in?
What do you mean?
There's a certain type of person,
tabloid hacks, smear merchants,
scandal mongers, so-called journalists,
that will do anything for a story...
especially when there's a murder involved.
I... didn't think of that.
Speaking of which,
the inspector rang earlier.
They're moving the Colonel to London tomorrow.
London? Mmm.
And prison will be the end of him.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to turn myself in.
(BIRDS TWEETING)
Wait.
(CURIOUS MUSIC) Dogger, what's that on your neck?
Oh, I...
I got it the night I blacked out.
May I have a look?
(SIGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(TENSE NOTE)
Dogger.
You didn't black out.
You were nobbed.
I was?
Someone hit you on the neck.
With a shoe, by the looks of it.
But if I really was knocked out,
then I- You couldn't have killed anyone.
(CURIOUS MUSIC BUILDS)
(GASPS) Dogger, do you know where the Rook's End is?
(EXCITING MUSIC)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(FAINT SINGING) (LIVELY PIANO MUSIC)
MAN: # And smile
♪ Smile, smile ♪ (PIANO STOPS)
(ECHOES) Hey there! Are you lost?
Um... Come join us 'Til the nurse comes back.
(PIANO RESUMES) (QUIETLY) Drat.
Next, a little love song from America. I hope you like it.
(PLAYS "YOU BELONG TO ME" BY JO STAFFORD)
♪ See the pyramids
♪ Along the Nile
♪ Watch the sun rise On a tropic isle
(WIND GUSTING)
(SONG CONTINUES ON GRAMOPHONE) JO STAFFORD: # Just remember
♪ When a dream appears
♪ You belong to me
(GRAMOPHONE VERSION FADES OUT) ♪ I'll...
May I be of assistance?
♪ Be so alone... I'm here to see Dr Kissing.
Dr Isaac Kissing? Yes.
Do you keep more than one?
In the solarium,
at the end of the hall. ♪ You'll be
♪ Lonesome
♪ Too
♪ And blue... ♪
(SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY) (BIRDS CHIRPING)
(FAINT INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Dr Kissing?
Huh?
Ah! (CHUCKLING) Oh-ho!
Flavia!
I've been expecting you.
So, you're Jacko's daughter.
(CHUCKLES)
You don't look a bit like him.
I'm- I'm told I take after my mother.
Quite so. A remarkable woman.
You knew her?
Well, slightly.
Where do you go to school?
Father doesn't approve of schools.
I can't say I'm surprised.
He was a changed man
after those scoundrels Bonepenny and Bob Stanley
got their hooks into him, hmm?
(INHALES) Well?
Hand it over.
Sir? My Orange Avenger.
You've brought it with you, haven't you?
What makes you think that?
Well, let's deduce, shall we?
Horace Bonepenny, one-time boy conjurer,
long-time fraud artist,
finds himself dead in the garden of his old chum, Jacko de Luce.
Soon, Jacko's daughter finds herself at the library,
ransacking the newspaper archives,
ferreting out the obituary
of my old colleague Teesdale,
God rest his soul.
How am I doing so far?
Miss Mountjoy.
Teesdale's niece. Tilda Mountjoy.
My eyes and ears in the village.
Hours after Bonepenny's untimely demise,
his room is rifled
by the maiden who stands before me,
her hand fidgeting in her pocket.
(GASPS SOFTLY)
Thank you.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
AA and TL together?
They were under a sticker on Bony's trunk.
Oh.
What pain and suffering have these bits of paper caused.
Does your father know you're here?
No.
He's in Hinley Jail.
He's been charged with Bonepenny's murder.
Hmm. Did he do it? No.
I mean, I...
I don't think so.
My head's all in a muddle.
Oh, well, everything's always in a muddle just before it settles in.
Dr Kissing,
what do you remember about the day that Mr Teesdale died?
Oh, everything.
Everything.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)
(UNDER BREATH) What?
'I remember the way the sun glistened on the ramparts.'
(WHISPERS) Good God, man!
'The way he drew himself upright,
like a saint in an old picture.
The way he raised his arm like a Roman soldier as he bid farewell.'
Vale!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(GASPS) Oh!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS) (CROWS CAWING)
Miss Mountjoy thinks he was murdered.
Well, Miss Mountjoy is wrong.
But isn't there a possibility?
You know...
sometimes, when someone is...
taken away from you suddenly...
...it leaves a burning question in your heart.
Why?
And sometimes, no merely factual answer will suffice.
(SOMBRE MUSIC) Here.
Your father will know what to do with it.
This thing of darkness...
(GASPS) ...I acknowledge my own.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(GASPS)
The stamp in your pocket has just doubled in value.
Guard it well, Flavia de Luce.
(MUSIC FADES)
(SIGHS)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
(ECHOES) He was a changed man after those scoundrels
Bonepenny and Bob Stanley...
(VOICEOVER) Of course!
(DRAMATIC, EXCITING MUSIC)
(BELL RINGING)
(PIGEONS COOING, WINGS FLAPPING)
(DISTANT DOG BARKING)
Wait here, Gladys.
(DISTANT HORSE NEIGHING) (CROW CAWING)
(MUSIC FADES) (DOOR CLANKS)
Bingo. That's the one.
(LOW, CURIOUS MUSIC)
"A wizard duo.
Horace Bonepenny and Bob Stanley."
I know that face. (MUSIC BUILDS)
(MUSIC STOPS) Oh, Flavia.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) How could you be so stupid?
Bob Stanley is...
(DOOR CREAKING)
(GASPS, WHIMPERS) (DOOR THUDS)
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(GASPS) (MUSIC ENDS)
I've never really liked that photograph.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(QUIETLY) But... you're supposed to be dead.
Yes.
I read about that in the newspaper.
Look, Flavia, I'll be honest with you.
An old acquaintance of mine
had something in his possession that didn't belong to him.
In fact, it was mine.
So naturally,
I'm quite keen to get it back. (MUSIC BUILDS)
Do you see?
(MUSIC ENDS) Feely once said,
"If ever you're accosted by a man,
kick him in the Casanovas and run like blue blazes."
If only I knew where the Casanovas were.
(TENSE MUSIC) What? Do you mean those old stamps?
So you admit you took them? I didn't take them.
I found them. Well, that solves it then.
You hand over my stamps, and it's case closed.
Agreed?
Right. I'll just run home, and-
Cheeky little thing, aren't you?
Where are the stamps, Flavia? (INHALES SHAKILY)
In my father's bedroom.
Hidden inside the clock on the mantel.
In the house.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY) (SNEEZES)
(OMINOUS NOTE) (GASPS)
(WHIMPERS)
(GASPS, WHIMPERING)
(GASPS) Ah! (WHIMPERS)
(SIGHS) Right. Now...
(PANTING) The house key.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(WHIMPERS) (SIGHS)
(THUD) (GRUNTS) Oh!
(GASPS) Gah!
(KEY CLATTERS ON FLOOR BELOW) (PANTING)
That's a door.
Don't move. (WHIMPERS)
(CLANGING & CREAKING)
(GRUNTS) (DOOR CRASHES)
(SIGHS)
(WHIMPERING) (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)
I told you not to move!
(WHIMPERING) (GRUNTING)
(WHIMPERING)
(GRUNTS) (WHIMPERING)
(PANTING) (OMINOUS MUSIC)
(WHIMPERING)
(GRUNTS)
(WHIMPERING) (MUSIC BUILDS)
(PANTING) Right.
I'm leaving now.
Be a good girl
and don't try anything funny.
(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS)
(WHIMPERING)
(HINGES CREAKING)
(LOUD SLAM) (WHIMPERS)
(PANTING) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ABOVE)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
(VOICE ECHOES) 'Should've tied my thumbs together. Moron.'
(GRUNTING)
(MUSIC BUILDS) (ROPE PINGS)
(PANICKED GRUNTS)
(THUD) (GRUNTS, SIGHS)
(GROANING)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
("YOU BELONG TO ME" BY JO STAFFORD PLAYS FAINTLY)
(PANTING)
(ECHOES) Hello? Can you hear me?
Father!
(FLUTTERING) (PANTING)
(PLANE ENGINE ROARS)
♪ Just remember when a dream
♪ Appears... Mummy!
Courage, my love.
You can do it. ♪ You belong to me ♪
(GASPS AND PANTS) (MUSIC FADES)
(RAT SQUEAKING) (GASPS)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(WHIMPERING)
(PANTING)
(CLANGING & CREAKING)
(LOUD CRASH) (WHIMPERS)
(PANTING) (OMINOUS MUSIC)
(WHIMPERING) You lied to me,
which made me very angry.
You are going to tell me EXACTLY
(SCREAMS) where the stamps are! (WHIMPERING)
Got it?!
(GASPS, PANTING)
(MUSIC LULLS)
(SHOUTS) Well? I put them in the clock.
I swear. (BREATHING SHAKILY)
Unless...
...someone's taken them.
Who?
(BREATHES SHAKILY) I...
I'm going to pass out. Can't you loosen this just a little?
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS) (YELLS)
'The Casanovas...'
(GROANS)
You little witch! (YELPS)
(GRUNTING) (GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(KISSING'S VOICE ECHOES) 'I remember
the way the sun glistened.'
(DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS)
(FATHER'S VOICE ECHOES) 'He was just an innocent dupe.
Bony was a natural conjurer.'
Hello, Bony. Bob.
(GASPS) It was you!
You killed Mr Teesdale!
It's all coming clear to me now.
(OMINOUS MUSIC) You lured him onto the roof,
you and Bonepenny promising to give him back the stamp.
It's right over here, sir.
(SIGHS) Enough stalling, Bonepenny.
I know you and Stanley stole the stamp.
Hand it over at once,
or I'll call the police.
(GRUNTS) (THUD)
(DRAMATIC, SOMBRE MUSIC)
And then you staged his jump.
(MUSIC SOFTENS)
No one could actually see his face
because of the sun.
All they could see was a strange halo of light around him,
like an angel.
(YELLS) Vale!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(SCREAMING)
(THUD) (PEOPLE SCREAMING BELOW)
It was yours and Bonepenny's greatest illusion. (GASPS)
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS & CHATTER BELOW)
It's terribly lonely, don't you find?
(GASPS)
Being the cleverest person in the room.
(PANTING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC) (GASPS)
Now, what do you suppose this is,
little Miss Marple?
(SNIFFING) 'That smell.'
(WHEEZES) 'I know that smell.'
(WHISPERS) Carbon tetrachloride.
Father uses it for revealing watermarks on stamps.
(CROW CAWING) You used it to kill Bonepenny.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
With his own syringe. (THUDS)
But first,
you had to make sure there weren't any witnesses.
(INSECTS CHIRRUPING) (OWL HOOTING)
(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)
(GRUNTS) (THUD)
(MUSIC BUILDS)
Very impressive.
You'd make a fine murderess, Flavia.
Thank you?
(GASPS) Now, for the last time...
...where are those stamps?
(OMINOUS MUSIC) (SIGHS)
(DRAMATIC NOTES)
(SCOFFS SOFTLY)
(OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)
There's only one here.
(INHALES)
(PANTING)
(GASPING)
(SHRIEKS) Where's the other stamp, Flavia?!
(WHIMPERING) (ENGINE ROARS, TYRES SCREECH)
(THUD) (YELPS)
(CRASHING & CLATTERING ABOVE)
(SMASHING) (COUGHS)
Gah! What the...? (CAR DOOR OPENS)
(PANTING) (CAR DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS OVERHEAD)
(PANTING) (TENSE MUSIC)
(PUNCH LANDS) (GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
(GASPS)
(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)
(MUSIC FADES OUT) (GASPS)
Oh, you silly, silly fool.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) I'm so sorry.
We should never have been so mean to you.
Careful, Feely.
You'll get your best coat dirty. (CHUCKLES, SNIFFS)
(SIGHS) You were right about the car.
(SIGHS) It was the battery.
Alright, miss?
(GENTLE STRINGS MUSIC)
Right as rain, Dogger.
(SIGHS)
Come on, look who's here.
(STRUGGLING)
Flavia! Hey...
(SIGHS) Ohhh.
(LAUGHTER) Mmm!
(GRUNTING) (CHUCKLES)
We followed him here. Dogger knew you hadn't come home,
so when he saw someone prowling around the house...
You should've seen us flying through the lanes.
(CHUCKLES)
(SOFT, PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
(GASPS) No!
(GROANS) (ALL GASP)
(GRUNTS) (GUN COCKS)
(ALL GASP)
(GRUNTS)
You might wanna keep better care of your mother's handkerchief, Flavia.
(SOFT, SENTIMENTAL MUSIC)
Thank you, Mrs Mullet.
(HORN HONKS)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(GASPS, CHUCKLES)
Welcome home, Colonel.
Girls. Father!
(ALL LAUGHING) (SIGHS)
Mrs Mullet, any chance of some breakfast?
Indeed, sir.
I've a lovely egg and bacon pie in the oven.
Oh! Well... (CHUCKLES)
Perhaps you'd care to join us, Detective Sergeant?
Uh, sir?
(BIRDS CHIRPING) Go ahead, Graves.
I still have one or two questions for Flavia.
(MUSIC FADES)
In through the splenius capitis,
punctured the atlantoaxial ligament,
and then slide the needle over the...
Oh, yes.
I see.
And you're certain that it was carbon tete...
c- carbon te...
er, w- what you said.
I'm quite competent with chlorinated hydrocarbons, Inspector.
It evaporates almost instantly.
I recognised the smell when Bonepenny breathed his last.
Tell the coroner to inspect the sinuses for traces.
But I thought you said it evaporated immediately?
Normally, yes, but Bonepenny had a cold.
(SNIFFLES)
Which he passed on to me, unfortunately.
Honestly, Flavia,
I don't know whether to give you a medal, or clap you in jail.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) That reminds me...
The stamp, please. (BIRDS CHIRPING)
I can't.
Why not? At least...
Not yet.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) Good Lord, it's the Orange Avenger.
It must be returned to its rightful owner.
Of course.
(SIGHS)
(GENTLE HARP MUSIC)
What is it, Flavia?
(QUIETLY) Did...
Did Harriet go away because of... me?
Now... No.
Wherever did you get that idea?
Your sisters go too far sometimes.
Then why did she go away?
(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)
Flavia...
Your mother loved you...
...more than anything in the world.
Now, she went away not because she wanted to,
but because she had to,
so that you and your sisters
could grow up in a better world.
(GASPS) (QUIETLY) Do you mean to say that Harriet...
was working for The Nest?
(INHALES) Now, I can't say any more.
Cos it's- it's forbidden, you see.
(SIGHS)
But what I can say...
...is that she would be very...
(INHALES) ..very proud of you.
(SWALLOWS)
(SIGHS)
(BRIGHT, CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Remember, if he addresses you, then curtsy,
but only if he addresses you directly.
(GRAND MUSIC)
(MUSIC SOFTENS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
I do beg your pardon for dropping in unannounced, Colonel,
but I wanted to take the opportunity
to thank the young lady who returned my stamp.
Your Royal Majesty,
it is a great honour.
Now, which one's Flavia?
(QUIETLY) No.
Erm, sir?
Uh, your Royal Majesty.
Goodness, so young. (CHUCKLES)
Mind you, I was the same age when I caught the bug.
Do you know my father had a Guyanese one-cent Magenta in his collection?
I tell you, I was hooked for life.
Gosh, how thrilling.
(CHUCKLES)
My dear...
On behalf of the royal family,
and stamp collectors everywhere,
thank you for your brave actions,
in token of which,
please accept this gift.
(CURIOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
That's very kind of you, sir.
(CHUCKLES)
My, you really are your mother's daughter.
(CHEERFUL, BRIGHT MUSIC)
(STEPS, GRAVEL CRUNCHES)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)
That's something, isn't it? (CHUCKLES)
Well? Aren't you going to open it?
It's been such a long day.
I think I'll wait.
(CHUCKLES) (SCOFFS)
(MUSIC FADES)
"I have been requested to pass this along to you
with compliments from The Nest."
(GASPS SOFTLY)
"Kind regards, George R."
(CURIOUS, ENCHANTING MUSIC)
'The father of modern chemistry, Antoine Lavoisier,
once observed that, in nature,
nothing is created,
nothing is lost.
Everything changes.
It's a comforting thought.
Everything changes, it's true.
But we are all, every one of us, eternally connected.
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
HARRIET: 'My darling Flavia,
If you're reading this,
it means that I have not returned.
I can't tell you why I had to go,
but I can tell you that from the moment I held you in my arms,
I knew you would do great things.'
(MUSIC BUILDS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(UPBEAT RHYTHM)
(CHEERFUL GUITAR & FLUTE TUNE)
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