[dramatic orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[choir vocalizing]
♪ ♪
[silverware clanking]
- Excuse me, you there, Mary.
- Yes, Your Majesty.
- Can you donate this to a soup kitchen
and bring me something I can fucking eat?
- Mummy, would you like my eggs?
They're very yummy.
- Yeah, I want to eat off your plate
like we live in a fucking trailer park.
Do you ever listen to yourself?
- No, Mummy, I don't.
And it was actually Camilla's idea
I offer you the eggs.
Please forgive me, darling.
I hate myself.
- Ma'am, it's the prime minister.
- Hello?
Well, did you fuck her?
All right, I'll take care of it.
You don't talk to anyone
until you get my call, understand?
Thank you, Mary.
- Grandpa, are you eating the paper?
- [munching and slurping]
- That's new.
- Well, I have an appointment. Please excuse me.
Would you tell the children I'll be home later?
- I'm sitting right next to you.
- Where are you going? - Out.
Don't worry, I'll be back in time to watch the servants
put the children to bed from my phone.
- That's a good mother,
hands-on.
- I was breastfed by a servant.
- Yes, but she watched.
- Is there anything you need before I leave for my day off,
Your Royal Highness?
- Your day off?
Didn't you just have a day off?
When do you actually work?
- It's been about a month, sir.
- Must be nice to have your life.
All right, well, go if you're going.
- If you need anything at all, sir, don't hesitate--
- Owen, Owen, just leave, for God's sake.
I think I'll be fine
without whatever it is you think you do.
- Of course, sir.
- Bye-eee.
- Okay, now he's eating the centerpiece.
- [munching and gulping]
- It's fine.
- Are you okay?
- Why haven't you touched me lately?
- Can we not talk about this now?
- Well, I'm off.
I'll see everyone tomorrow.
- Big plans, then, Owen?
- Oh, nothing much.
Well, ta-ta.
- Bye, Owen! Have fun!
I'd go home and slit my throat
if I had to look after that kid all day.
Don't.
- N...now, then,
can I get anyone a nice cuppa?
Teddy? - Yeah, thanks, Kev.
Fuckin' love Kev.
[brakes squeal]
- Morning, Owen.
- Morning, Clive.
[cell phone dings]
[keyboard tapping, text message swooshes]
[text message swooshes]
[brakes squeal]
- Have a good day, Owen.
- You too, Clive.
[bright orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[FaceTime rings]
- Hello? - Hey, is this a bad time?
- Of course not, Your Royal Highness.
- So I found the socks.
I sent you back a smiley emoji, by the way.
- Yes, I saw that.
- Oh, well, you didn't respond.
- Morning, Owen! - Morning, Dan!
I sent you a thumbs-up on it, sir.
- Oh, okay, I must have missed that.
Anyway, I was wondering which--
- Hello, Owen. - Hello, Faye!
- I was wondering which remote I use
to go from Apple TV back to cable.
- The small silver one, sir.
- Yeah, I tried that one.
- Fresh blackberries today, Owen?
- I'll come by later for some, Samuel.
- You're doing that walk through town
like you're fucking Belle in "Beauty and the Beast."
Jesus Christ, do you know how annoying it is
for me on my end?
- I apologize, sir.
- Oh, okay, wait.
The silver one is working now.
- Splendid, sir.
- It wasn't before, though.
All right, well, I'm gonna watch "Below Deck."
- Good morning, O-- - He's on the fucking phone!
Okay, well, that's it on my end.
Enjoy your day off.
- If you need anything else--
- No, no, I'm good.
I'll talk to you later. Ciao.
[birds chirping]
♪ ♪
[FaceTime ringing]
- Hello? - Hey. What are you doing?
- Just making a cup of tea, sir.
- Cool. I'm having tea too.
So has it started raining there yet?
- Not yet, no, sir.
- That's good. That's good.
Maybe it won't rain there,
day off and all that.
Ooh, are you in the kitchen?
Show me your kitchen.
- It's nothing much to speak of,
Your Royal Highness.
- It's cute, O.
All right, well, I'll let you get back to your tea.
- Goodbye, sir.
- Yup. See you tomorrow.
[birds chirping]
[FaceTime ringing]
- Hello? - Quick question.
How long is an avocado good for?
- They're good for several days, sir.
- So if it's a little brown, it's still okay?
- Yes, that should be fine, sir.
- Yeah, thought so. Just checking.
Is that your garden?
- Yes. It's very, very small.
- It's fucking adorable is what it is.
Everything is so tiny and cute.
It's like you live in a dollhouse, O.
- It suits my needs, sir.
- Anyway, I gotta go, but thanks for calling.
[soft piano music]
[laughter, indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
- I don't have long.
I told William I was serving porridge
to battered women.
- Then let's get to it.
So you're positive you want to leave your husband?
- Yes! I've already found a place to live.
And I'm applying for a job at goop.
- [gasps] Ooh, goop.
Well, I'll start working on the papers, then.
- Nobody must know.
I fear for my life.
- Really?
- Well, not really,
but, you know, it's bad there.
- Can I ask, what's the queen like?
Is she nice?
- She's a fucking nightmare.
I'll be in touch.
[FaceTime ringing]
- Hello, sir. - Hey.
I'm bored.
Anything going on over there?
- No, no, nothing at all.
- Hello, Owen. Good to see ya.
- Hello, Toby.
- Well, if it isn't Owen.
- Hello, Vera.
- Ugh, now you're at Cheers.
- Where you been hidin', Owen?
You haven't called.
- Been meaning to, Vera.
Work.
Rock climbing.
- Rock climbing?
- Right.
Sure.
Usual? - Please.
- Oh, my God.
You're dating her.
- We're just friends, sir.
- O, O, O,
you're dating her.
- Here we are, now, Owen,
pie and mash.
- Well, I'll let you get back to Mrs. Lovett.
- Who's that little tyke?
Is that the little prince?
- Yes, it is.
- Don't. Don't put me on with--
Hi!
How are you, dear?
- 'Ello, sweetheart!
- Oh, look at those teeth. How fun.
- Bye, lovey.
- Don't ever do that again.
All right, go eat.
Your cat pie is getting cold.
- Can I get you anything else, Owen?
- No, thank you, Vera.
- Right, then, love.
Give us a call sometime, eh?
♪ ♪
[birds chirping]
- Evening, Owen.
- Evening, Gladys!
[FaceTime ringing]
- Quick, turn on HGTV.
- Hi, I'm Meghan Markle.
- And I'm Harry...
Harry. - And we're "Royally Screwed."
- Each week, we take a house
from drab... - To fab.
The Anderson family had $75,000
to renovate their three-bedroom ranch house.
- It was our live savings.
- Anderson family, do you remember
what your house used to look like?
Would you like to see what it looks like now?
all: yeah!
- Then come on in, guys.
- Well?
- It...it looks exactly the same.
- Look closely.
- I don't see any difference...
at all. - Keep looking.
- [gasps] I'm worried.
- Shh.
- Can I get a clue?
- The kitchen.
- I...I don't see it.
- The backsplash?
- Oh, right.
That's new.
- Huh? Huh?
Do you love it?
Real solid gold inlay.
It makes the whole room pop.
- You spent $75,000 on backsplash?
- No.
We spent $100,000!
- [groans]
- I told you we should've gone with the subway tile.
[TV clicks off]
- Well, they've been
royally screwed, all right.
- Owen, did you just make a joke?
- I did, sir.
- I fucking love that.
Ugh, what worse can they do after this, sell insurance?
Ooh, there's a "House Hunters" on now.
I'm gonna watch that.
♪ ♪
[water running, faucet squeaks]
♪ ♪
[FaceTime rings]
- Hello, sir.
- Hey. I can't sleep.
- Would you like me to tell you a story, sir?
- No, I'm not a baby.
What story?
- Well...
once upon a time, there was a very simple man
who lived in a tiny house with a tiny garden,
and he fell in love with a very simple woman.
They took joy in the very simple things in life:
a walk, a cup of tea, a smile.
And those simple things made them feel
like they were not so simple at all--
quite the opposite, in fact.
It made them feel like the most special people
in the world.
And one day, they got married,
and this very simple man suddenly became a king
because he had found his queen.
And the tiny house was their palace
and the tiny garden their kingdom.
And they lived happily for years and years
until the queen got very sick and then...
[sighs]
In a breath, was gone.
And the man went from being a king
back to being very simple once again.
But sometimes...
late at night when it's very quiet,
she comes to him,
and just for a moment...
He is a king.
Good night, George.
[owl hooting]
[bright orchestral music]
♪ ♪