[dramatic orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[choir vocalizing]
♪ ♪
- I told you,
I'll get you the documents
as soon as there's an opening.
I have to go. I'm walking into breakfast.
Yes, it's a nice spread.
Hi, George. Oh, is that French toast?
- Why? Do I look fat?
I mean, yes.
- Excuse me, I'm late for an appointment.
- I didn't think the pubs were open yet.
- I have a haircut, if you must know.
That's when someone takes scissors and cuts your hair,
in case you forgot.
- God, you're insufferable.
- And you're bald.
- It's like watching "Marriage Story" every morning.
- Don't fill up. Don't you remember?
It's date night.
Well, say something.
- I remembered, dear.
- Oh, I wuv you vewwy much.
- I wuv you vewwy much too.
- Date night?
Well, that sounds like a jolly good time.
- So that means Gan Gan's gone tonight?
- Yes. A jolly good time, Charles.
Fucking dolt.
We're going to The Grill, right handsome?
- For how long, exactly?
- What is up with you?
- The Grill? Why, Camilla and I adore it there.
Oh, it would be so much fun to go with you and Dad.
Can we join?
- No. - Mummy. Mummy. Please!
Oh, Mummy, please! Let us go, Mummy.
It's all I want. Mummy, you must let us come.
- Fine. Shut up. You can come.
God, I am so hot for you, baby.
- I'm...so hot for you too.
♪ ♪
- This just came on the market,
and you're the first to see it, Ms.--
- Uh... Middletin.
- That's so funny.
You look a bit like her too.
But I'm not a royalist. They're so useless.
- Yeah, kind of like real estate agents.
Show me the house I've already seen online.
Oh, wow.
It's smaller than I thought.
I'll let you know.
- Of course, Ms. Middleton.
- Middletin!
It's two completely different names.
♪ ♪
[school bell rings]
- Don't forget, everyone,
science fair projects are due tomorrow.
- Science fair? What?
- Yeah, our projects are due tomorrow.
- Since when?
This is the first I'm fucking hearing about it.
- Since you were in Mustique for a month.
- Well, sorry for enjoying some time off.
Jesus.
I work harder than anyone around here.
Dinesh, I'm not going to maths.
Can you hand in my homework?
- It's blank though. - So fill it out!
- Greg! Greg!
I completely forgot.
Do you know what tonight is?
- Fish and chips Thursday? Yeah.
I mean, I'm excited, but--
- No, no. It's date night.
- Oh, my God. It is!
Guys, it's date night!
[cheering]
- And Charles and Camilla are joining them too!
- Hoorah! - Yay!
- Date...night?
- Yes, Kevin.
When the Queen and Philip have a date night,
there's no family dinner to prepare.
It's the closest thing we have to a holiday.
I'll probably have a pint with the mates later
if you'd like to join.
- Are...we...mates?
- Yeah, of course we're mates, Kevin.
- I was thinking I'd grab a bottle of Whispering Angel
and we can finally start "Game of Thrones."
- Yes! We can see what all the hype's about.
I can't believe we've managed
to avoid every spoiler for 11 years.
- Are you guys talking about GoT?
I still can't believe Bran got the throne.
- God damn it!
- Owen, Cucumbers.
Thank you. It's really been a day.
- Just relax, Your Royal highness.
- I'm so stressed, O. - Why is that, sir?
- I just found out my science fair project is due tomorrow
and I really have to win.
I mean, how would it look if the future King of England
can't even win a science fair?
Not good, Owen. That's how.
- I see, Sir. Do you need help?
- No, but you might.
- Pardon, Sir? - Yeah, well, I mean,
I'm not doing it. Look at me. I'm busy.
I've got fucking cucumbers on my eyes for Christ's sake.
- Understood, Sir.
I'll see what I can put together.
- Put together?
No, no, no. It's got to be great.
I told you I have to win this thing.
Ugh, so much pressure.
I'm getting one of my migraines just thinking about it.
- Not one of your migraines, Sir!
Please, God.
- Just make me a realistic working volcano
with smoke and lava.
You know, all that shit.
- I'll get started right away, Sir.
- Buh, buh, b-b-buh. Wait.
I have 20 minutes left in the mask.
Don't make that face at me.
- Andy, you gotta be kidding me.
I've brought plenty of conflict to the show.
- I'm sorry, Meghan. It's just not working out.
All you talked about all season was your line of ketchup.
And please stop sending me samples.
- I hear you, Andy.
I'll amp it up. I-I'll smash a wine glass.
I'll tell Kyle she has Munchausen syndrome.
I'll accuse Dorit of doing coke.
- Lisa Rinna already did all that.
- All of them?
- Yeah, she's good.
Anyway, I guess we could bring you back as a friend.
- A friend? No, thank you. I'm not that desperate.
- Are you sure?
I mean, that silence definitely says you are, but okay.
Bye. - Wait, wait, wait.
Andy, wait!
Bravo fired me.
Well, not really, but basically.
They only offered me "friend"
of the Housewives for next season.
- Oh, shit. They Vicki Gunvalsoned you.
- How do you even know who-- [grunts]
You know what?
Whatever. I am not a fucking friend.
Fuck that. Those fucking fuckers.
- Fuck.
- And that's his first word.
Great.
- Probably not the best time to tell you
I just lost my last client.
- You only had one client.
- I think my time as a masseur is over.
I guess I broke his neck? Is that a thing?
- Yes! [sighs]
We are screwed.
- Wait, what about your ketchup company?
- That was a dumb idea.
- Then what are we going to do?
Can you get another show?
I mean, not one that you act on, darling.
I know people don't wanna hire you for that anymore, but--
- Well, HGTV did call my agents last week about us,
but at the time I thought we were too good for them.
- We're not, darling.
♪ ♪
- Did you make your collections?
These envelopes feel a little thin.
All right. You can go.
- You just hit me with you hat.
- Let the car know I'll be right down.
- Yes, Your Majesty.
[exciting music]
♪ ♪
- Hi, Gan Gan. Have fun at The Grill.
Tell Rudolpho George sent you. He'll take care of you.
- Sweetheart, I'm the fucking Queen of England.
- She's such a bad bitch.
[mischievous music]
- I have the documents.
Repeat. I have the documents.
- Charlotte, what were you doing in Gan Gan's office?
- I wasn't in Gan Gan's office.
- I literally just saw you leave.
- You're so funny, George.
Making things up.
- Don't try to gaslight me!
- I think someone needs some fucking glasses.
- Did you-- did you just curse at me?
- I said you need some fun glasses.
Okay? Bye, George.
- Owen comma research Lasik eye surgery full stop.
- Camilla, this was a bold move on your part--
inviting us to their date night.
Ooh, I'm nervous.
Mummy, I want to be king.
Yes. That's what I'll say.
Exactly right, Camilla. She's had her go.
Now it's my turn.
I'm not a little boy any longer.
I don't have to go running whenever she--
[loud knocking] - Charles! Hurry up!
We're leaving!
- Coming, Mummy.
- What do you think, Your Royal Highness?
- I'm not sure.
- But, Sir, look.
- I know I told you I wanted a volcano,
but now I'm thinking--
mm, it's a bit basic.
It seems a little played out, you know?
I was just texting with Sebastian
and he's doing a volcano too.
So, yeah, I just--
I don't see this winning.
- I doubt Sebastian's volcano will be as good as this one.
- Owen,
I'm trying very hard not to slap you.
Now make...something...
that...will win.
[music playing, indistinct chatter]
- Philip, you look so handsome in candlelight.
- Your Majesty, this is the--
- Just shut up and put it down.
Philip and I get this every time.
You have to try it. - Lovely.
As long as there's not any shellfish.
Camilla has-- - I don't know. Just eat it!
- Because if it's shellfish-- - Eat it, you pussies!
See? Delicious.
- Mmm. It is. Scrummy! Mmm.
So...
there's something I must talk with you about, Mummy.
Barely noticeable, darling.
- Whatever it is Charles, make it quick.
I'm exhausted.
You have no idea how much work it is
to be the head of a state, family, and syndicate.
- Syndicate? - It's an expression!
- Then I'll be brief.
Mummy, I want to be--
[liquid rushing]
Well, this was fun.
[exciting instrumental music]
- It's okay that we know the ending.
It's all about the journey. - Totally.
There's still so much we don't know.
- Guys, they're back early. We gotta get up there.
Oh, Ned Stark.
I was so bummed when they cut off his head
at the end of season one.
- Motherfucker!
- Did you hear Camilla threw up
all over the Queen? - Yes.
It's the first thing that's come out of her mouth in years.
[laughter]
- William, I didn't have a hair appointment this morning.
I actually-- - It's fine.
- No. I meant I didn't go--
- I said it's fine.
I don't care.
I'm tired, Kate.
[sighs] Great.
I feel a shit brewing.
- It's Ms. Middletin. I'll take the house.
Middle-tin!
[lively instrumental music]
♪ ♪
[computer beeping]
- And the winner is...
Prince George.
[applause]
- This is it?
That's a fucking particle accelerator.
[dramatic orchestral music]
♪ ♪