[dramatic orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[choir vocalizing]
♪ ♪
[car door closes]
- The whole trip is casual,
so let's just do Gucci, Prada, Tom Brown.
Are you excited to go to the Caribbean, Owen?
- Of course, Your Royal Highness.
- You know, this is gonna be like a vacation
for you, too, O.
I mean, I might ask you for a picture or two for Instagram,
but other than that, you're barely gonna see me,
so bring plenty of books.
- I will, sir.
- You could sound more excited, Jesus.
How many butlers get to go to Mustique?
Not a lot, that's how many.
- I'm very excited, sir. - Do you even tan?
What happens to that skin?
Does it just get blotchy or-- never mind.
Why am I asking him questions?
Hey, O, do I have the legs for this swimsuit?
And don't lie.
- There's nothing you can't wear, sir.
You have a body made for clothes.
- Aw, thanks, O. This is gonna be such a fun trip.
Too bad your wife couldn't make it,
you know, 'cause she's dead and all.
You know what? No. It's better just us anyway.
- I can't believe we get to go to the Caribbean.
- It's a dream.
It's all a wonderful dream, Douglas.
- This is going to be the honeymoon we never had, Greg.
- I know! And I think it's just what we need.
- Oh, do we need something?
I thought we were happy. - We are!
That's not at all what I meant. I'm just saying--
- Do you still find me attractive?
- Come here.
- [sobbing]
Shh.
- I'm being so silly.
♪ ♪
- Excuse me. Yeah, hey.
Are there any of the cashmere Hermès blankets?
This one is cotton, and it's slicing my skin.
- I believe those are the only blankets on board,
Your Royal Highness.
- This plane fucking sucks.
Go. Stop looking at me.
- Sluts.
- Wha-- - Sluts.
- Oh.
- Oi! Nuts!
- Right away, sir.
Can you get me some mixed nuts? - I'm on break.
- [slowly] Mixed nuts.
- Brilliant. Thank you, Kevin.
Are they warm? - Duh.
- So where is it you're from, again, mate?
- Scotland.
- Got it.
- I can't wait to see you in that bikini, darling.
Yes, all anybody is going to be talking about is your figure.
- [coughs] Blech.
[retches]
- Is there anything you need, Your Royal Highness?
- Yeah, an airsick bag.
You having fun back there with your little friends?
I guess this is like Spring Break for you people.
- Just wanted to make sure you have everything you need, sir.
- Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
Remember, this is your vacation, too, Owen,
so just have fun, okay?
Really, don't worry about me.
- That's very kind, sir.
- Actually, O, before you go,
get a pic of me in my seat here.
I'll pretend I'm looking out at the clouds.
[camera shutter clicks] Ugh.
You didn't use portrait mode?
Never mind.
It's fine. It's fine.
Plane photos are passé, anyway.
All I need from you this trip
is one perfect Instagram, O.
Got it?
Now get back in economy.
- So, after we arrive,
do you think we could possibly--
- No. - Well, what about--
- No. - Or even--
- No. - Right.
Well, lovely chatting.
- He's not giving that one a rose?
- Nope.
- But he just fucked her.
♪ ♪
- Welcome, Your Majesty.
- [belches loudly]
Excuse me. Thanks.
[waves crashing]
- Your Majesty. - Yum.
Is there anything more beachy than thick, rare roast beef?
- Camilla in a bikini comes to mind.
- We're eating!
- Has anybody seen Owen?
"Owen, comma, where the fuck are you, question mark,
question mark, question mark."
- [grunting]
- Hello, all. Sorry we're late.
Our flight was delayed-- you know, JetBlue.
- We don't know. Gross.
- It was Mint, though. Tell them, we were in Mint.
- Oh, they gave you a mint. How lovely for you.
I have some gum in my purse if you'd like.
- No, we were in Mint.
It's like their business class. It's really nice.
They give you these cookies and--
- Meghan, I'm begging you to stop now.
- And then people kept wanting to get a picture.
You know, because I'm on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."
So a lot of people coming up to us.
- Uh-huh.
- There was something you needed, Your Royal Highness?
- Yeah, my fucking butler.
I'm sitting here cutting my own meat like an animal.
Ugh, not now, not now.
- Do you want a picture here, sir?
I'll do it in portrait mode this time.
- Do I want a picture of me eating roast beef?
No, you idiot. Later.
- Children, would you like to go play in the sand?
- Wait, are you- are you talking to me?
Is she talking to me?
- Go play with them, William. - You play with them.
- Oh, and I brought some of my homemade ketchup.
I'm coming out with a line of condiments--
ketchups, mustards, that sort of thing.
- We're really taking LA by storm.
- Yeah, and the show has been a great platform
to help me promote my brand.
- It's already a brand. It's called Heinz.
- Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!
There, good as new.
- All it would take is one giant wave.
- I was thinking the same thing.
You okay, Kevin?
- Water.
Beautiful.
- Careful, you're starting to burn.
- Isn't he always that color?
- Watch and learn here. [grunting]
On the head. Off the-- On the--bing, bang!
Oi, Georgie! Football!
- No, I don't want to. Get away from me with that.
- Ready? Ready? Ready? Go on. To me!
- I said knock it off with that.
- Yes, I told you. I'm working on it.
Hi, George.
- Hey. Why do you have two cell phones?
- It's a toy for little girls. See?
- Okay, whatever. [camera shutter clicks]
Great. You ruined it.
Oof! I said knock it off!
- Look, we have to be careful.
George is starting to get suspicious.
I don't know! I guess he's not as fucking dumb as he looks.
Oh, the weather has been great. Thanks, yeah.
- So all you'd have to do is Instagram yourselves
using my ketchup-- it'd be a huge help.
- I see.
Well, that's something we'll definitely think about.
- Who's that? - That's your nephew, Archie.
- You're pulling my leg. Why have we not met before?
- You've met him, like, a thousand times.
So are you gonna do the fucking Instagram or not?
- Is the pressure okay? - It's great.
- Great.
So what do you do for work?
- I really don't want to talk, if that's okay.
- Right.
I just figured since it's a beach massage.
- Camilla, are you going to take that robe off
and show Mummy your figure?
Yes, darling.
Mummy, doesn't Camilla look like a Victoria's Secret model?
- If Victoria's secret is that she's an old cow, then, yes.
- [laughs]
- That's not-- That's not her secret.
We might need to start feeding these people more.
- When did "Vanity Fair" become such a piece of shit?
You know, you don't have to stand there
with that umbrella, O.
You can go for a swim or something. I'm good.
- But then you would get sunburned, sir.
- Oh, no, it's fine. I only get golden brown.
I don't have the complexion of a 65-year-old alcoholic
who's been outside twice.
- If you're absolutely certain, sir.
Water does look nice, sir.
I've never been in the ocean.
I'm not quite sure I even know how to swim.
- Really? Aw, that stinks.
In that case, you can take more pictures of me.
I really need a good one for Instagram.
If no one knows I went to Mustique, it's like,
why did I even go, you know?
- Absolutely, sir. - Oh, get a few of me here.
[camera shutter clicking]
Ugh. None of these are usable.
Do it again.
Well, it would be nice if you gave me a little direction.
What do I do? Where do I move? Hello!
- Of course, sir. Uh, turn this way.
- Sunglasses on or off?
- Let's try it with them on, sir.
- Mom, tell Louis stop.
- [crunching]
- Pringle? - No.
- [crunching]
- I'm making it official. I hate him.
- So are we still considering this our honeymoon?
- Once of Prince Philip's balls
got caught in the bathtub drain!
I need someone right now!
- No.
[sighs]
♪ ♪
- So, yeah, we're hoping
the ketchups and mustards are gonna be sold
at Whole Foods, which, you know, would be huge.
Oh, and they're all organic, in case anyone was wondering.
- We weren't. - [laughs]
- That's two today.
How are your balls? Good.
- Ow.
Sorry.
Ow. Ow.
- Oh, Harry, I just found out you had a son.
Congratulations, old man.
- Daughter, but thank you.
- Son, and you didn't just find out.
[sighs] Is it me? - No.
- Anyway, I was saying I had a sunburn.
Ow. That's why I look like a monster.
Oh, sorry. Not that you look like a monster.
Oh, God, I never know what to say to him.
- Just a heads-up--
Camilla had a bit of a mishap earlier today.
They all understand, darling.
There might be some unfortunately,
well, racy photos appearing online later.
Oh, and if anyone found a bikini top in the water,
it belongs to Camilla.
- I thought that was two fishing nets.
Sorry.
- I knew it was a boy. I just forgot.
- Please just let me be annoyed.
♪ ♪
- There's barely anything to work with here.
They're all fucking blurry. Do you have tremors?
- I apologize, Your Royal Highness.
I am a very poor photographer.
- Yeah, you are.
Does my face look as bad as I think, O?
- Not at all.
Why, I think it makes you look rugged, sir.
- Like Chris Hemsworth? - Sure.
- Thanks, O.
I know you wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it.
Help me get ready for bed.
Ow.
- I'm sorry you didn't get
your perfect vacation Instagram, sir.
- Oh, I just posted something.
- Oh, I'm in that.
- Yeah, it's cute. It's very us.
- Very us, sir.
- Ooh, it's doing well.
Dame Kelly Ripa already liked it.
- Well, good night, sir.
- Would you stay until I fall asleep?
- Of course.
Sir, I think you forgot to tag me?
- I didn't.