♪ ♪
- The whole trip is casual,
so let's just do Gucci, Prada, Tom Brown.
Are you excited to go to the Caribbean, Owen?
- Of course, Your Royal Highness.
- You know, this is gonna be like a vacation
for you, too, O.
I mean, I might ask you for a picture or two for Instagram,
but other than that, you're barely gonna see me,
so bring plenty of books.
- I will, sir.
- You could sound more excited, Jesus.
How many butlers get to go to Mustique?
Not a lot, that's how many.
- I'm very excited, sir. - Do you even tan?
What happens to that skin?
Does it just get blotchy or-- never mind.
Why am I asking him questions?
Hey, O, do I have the legs for this swimsuit?
And don't lie.
- There's nothing you can't wear, sir.
You have a body made for clothes.
- Aw, thanks, O. This is gonna be such a fun trip.
Too bad your wife couldn't make it,
you know, 'cause she's dead and all.
You know what? No. It's better just us anyway.
- I can't believe we get to go to the Caribbean.
- It's a dream.
It's all a wonderful dream, Douglas.
- This is going to be the honeymoon we never had, Greg.
- I know! And I think it's just what we need.
- Oh, do we need something?
I thought we were happy. - We are!
That's not at all what I meant. I'm just saying--
- Do you still find me attractive?
- Come here.
Shh.
- I'm being so silly.
♪ ♪
- Excuse me. Yeah, hey.
Are there any of the cashmere Hermès blankets?
This one is cotton, and it's slicing my skin.
- I believe those are the only blankets on board,
Your Royal Highness.
- This plane fucking sucks.
Go. Stop looking at me.
- Sluts.
- Wha-- - Sluts.
- Oh.
- Oi! Nuts!
- Right away, sir.
Can you get me some mixed nuts? - I'm on break.
- Mixed nuts.
- Brilliant. Thank you, Kevin.
Are they warm? - Duh.
- So where is it you're from, again, mate?
- Scotland.
- Got it.
- I can't wait to see you in that bikini, darling.
Yes, all anybody is going to be talking about is your figure.
- Blech.
- Is there anything you need, Your Royal Highness?
- Yeah, an airsick bag.
You having fun back there with your little friends?
I guess this is like Spring Break for you people.
- Just wanted to make sure you have everything you need, sir.
- Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
Remember, this is your vacation, too, Owen,
so just have fun, okay?
Really, don't worry about me.
- That's very kind, sir.
- Actually, O, before you go,
get a pic of me in my seat here.
I'll pretend I'm looking out at the clouds.
Ugh.
You didn't use portrait mode?
Never mind.
It's fine. It's fine.
Plane photos are passé, anyway.
All I need from you this trip
is one perfect Instagram, O.
Got it?
Now get back in economy.
- So, after we arrive,
do you think we could possibly--
- No. - Well, what about--
- No. - Or even--
- No. - Right.
Well, lovely chatting.
- He's not giving that one a rose?
- Nope.
- But he just fucked her.
♪ ♪
- Welcome, Your Majesty.
Excuse me. Thanks.
- Your Majesty. - Yum.
Is there anything more beachy than thick, rare roast beef?
- Camilla in a bikini comes to mind.
- We're eating!
- Has anybody seen Owen?
"Owen, comma, where the fuck are you, question mark,
question mark, question mark."
- Hello, all. Sorry we're late.
Our flight was delayed-- you know, JetBlue.
- We don't know. Gross.
- It was Mint, though. Tell them, we were in Mint.
- Oh, they gave you a mint. How lovely for you.
I have some gum in my purse if you'd like.
- No, we were in Mint.
It's like their business class. It's really nice.
They give you these cookies and--
- Meghan, I'm begging you to stop now.
- And then people kept wanting to get a picture.
You know, because I'm on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."
So a lot of people coming up to us.
- Uh-huh.
- There was something you needed, Your Royal Highness?
- Yeah, my fucking butler.
I'm sitting here cutting my own meat like an animal.
Ugh, not now, not now.
- Do you want a picture here, sir?
I'll do it in portrait mode this time.
- Do I want a picture of me eating roast beef?
No, you idiot. Later.
- Children, would you like to go play in the sand?
- Wait, are you- are you talking to me?
Is she talking to me?
- Go play with them, William. - You play with them.
- Oh, and I brought some of my homemade ketchup.
I'm coming out with a line of condiments--
ketchups, mustards, that sort of thing.
- We're really taking LA by storm.
- Yeah, and the show has been a great platform
to help me promote my brand.
- It's already a brand. It's called Heinz.
- Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!
There, good as new.
- All it would take is one giant wave.
- I was thinking the same thing.
You okay, Kevin?
- Water.
Beautiful.
- Careful, you're starting to burn.
- Isn't he always that color?
- Watch and learn here.
On the head. Off the-- On the--bing, bang!
Oi, Georgie! Football!
- No, I don't want to. Get away from me with that.
- Ready? Ready? Ready? Go on. To me!
- I said knock it off with that.
- Yes, I told you. I'm working on it.
Hi, George.
- Hey. Why do you have two cell phones?
- It's a toy for little girls. See?
- Okay, whatever.
Great. You ruined it.
Oof! I said knock it off!
- Look, we have to be careful.
George is starting to get suspicious.
I don't know! I guess he's not as fucking dumb as he looks.
Oh, the weather has been great. Thanks, yeah.
- So all you'd have to do is Instagram yourselves
using my ketchup-- it'd be a huge help.
- I see.
Well, that's something we'll definitely think about.
- Who's that? - That's your nephew, Archie.
- You're pulling my leg. Why have we not met before?
- You've met him, like, a thousand times.
So are you gonna do the fucking Instagram or not?
- Is the pressure okay? - It's great.
- Great.
So what do you do for work?
- I really don't want to talk, if that's okay.
- Right.
I just figured since it's a beach massage.
- Camilla, are you going to take that robe off
and show Mummy your figure?
Yes, darling.
Mummy, doesn't Camilla look like a Victoria's Secret model?
- If Victoria's secret is that she's an old cow, then, yes.
- That's not-- That's not her secret.
We might need to start feeding these people more.
- When did "Vanity Fair" become such a piece of shit?
You know, you don't have to stand there
with that umbrella, O.
You can go for a swim or something. I'm good.
- But then you would get sunburned, sir.
- Oh, no, it's fine. I only get golden brown.
I don't have the complexion of a 65-year-old alcoholic
who's been outside twice.
- If you're absolutely certain, sir.
Water does look nice, sir.
I've never been in the ocean.
I'm not quite sure I even know how to swim.
- Really? Aw, that stinks.
In that case, you can take more pictures of me.
I really need a good one for Instagram.
If no one knows I went to Mustique, it's like,
why did I even go, you know?
- Absolutely, sir. - Oh, get a few of me here.
Ugh. None of these are usable.
Do it again.
Well, it would be nice if you gave me a little direction.
What do I do? Where do I move? Hello!
- Of course, sir. Uh, turn this way.
- Sunglasses on or off?
- Let's try it with them on, sir.
- Mom, tell Louis stop.
- Pringle? - No.
- I'm making it official. I hate him.
- So are we still considering this our honeymoon?
- Once of Prince Philip's balls
got caught in the bathtub drain!
I need someone right now!
- No.
♪ ♪
- So, yeah, we're hoping
the ketchups and mustards are gonna be sold
at Whole Foods, which, you know, would be huge.
Oh, and they're all organic, in case anyone was wondering.
- We weren't. -
- That's two today.
How are your balls? Good.
- Ow.
Sorry.
Ow. Ow.
- Oh, Harry, I just found out you had a son.
Congratulations, old man.
- Daughter, but thank you.
- Son, and you didn't just find out.
Is it me? - No.
- Anyway, I was saying I had a sunburn.
Ow. That's why I look like a monster.
Oh, sorry. Not that you look like a monster.
Oh, God, I never know what to say to him.
- Just a heads-up--
Camilla had a bit of a mishap earlier today.
They all understand, darling.
There might be some unfortunately,
well, racy photos appearing online later.
Oh, and if anyone found a bikini top in the water,
it belongs to Camilla.
- I thought that was two fishing nets.
Sorry.
- I knew it was a boy. I just forgot.
- Please just let me be annoyed.
♪ ♪
- There's barely anything to work with here.
They're all fucking blurry. Do you have tremors?
- I apologize, Your Royal Highness.
I am a very poor photographer.
- Yeah, you are.
Does my face look as bad as I think, O?
- Not at all.
Why, I think it makes you look rugged, sir.
- Like Chris Hemsworth? - Sure.
- Thanks, O.
I know you wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it.
Help me get ready for bed.
Ow.
- I'm sorry you didn't get
your perfect vacation Instagram, sir.
- Oh, I just posted something.
- Oh, I'm in that.
- Yeah, it's cute. It's very us.
- Very us, sir.
- Ooh, it's doing well.
Dame Kelly Ripa already liked it.
- Well, good night, sir.
- Would you stay until I fall asleep?
- Of course.
Sir, I think you forgot to tag me?
- I didn't.