Now, some people think Community Payback is an easy option,
a soft touch.
It ain't.
You chewing gum?
Don't know. Let's check.
Yeah. It's gum.
Get rid of it.
Anything else you need doing? Yep.
Pick it up, put it in the bin.
What, are you serious, mate?
Unless you want five more hours,
pick it up, put it in the bin.
I can be a good guy or I can be a mean bastard.
Your choice.
Let's go.
Come.
I just wondered if there was any update on my case, sir.
Your case?
The villain I unmasked.
The gun I uncovered. You stumbled upon it while taking a dump,
Miss Marple, let's not get carried away.
I was thinking I could run Christian's file
around to Sergeant Haines. The police already have access
to our database, Diane, there's no need for you to run anything
anywhere. I really feel like I can assist with this case, sir.
In fact, Sergeant Haines personally asked me to apply to become a police
community support officer. Aren't they just glorified traffic wardens?
No. No, my point is she's asked for my help.
Well, why don't you held by letting the police do their job
and you do yours?
Yeah, but sir... Let it go, Diane.
That's an order.
Anonymous call tipped off the duty nurse.
Was found around the corner from A&E.
In surgery for three hours.
Can he talk?
Not yet.
What are his chances?
50/50.
His name's Aiden Haswell,
nicknamed Spider, unsurprisingly.
He's a lieutenant in the Brookhill crew.
You think this was a hit?
Might be.
The gun we found in out that community service place
was a CZ 75 semi-automatic.
I'm waiting to find out if the bullet they pulled out is a match.
Want some toast?
What's wrong with him?
Can I have my phone back, please?
Thank you.
Rani, I can't remember what we talked about.
My head is buzzing, I can't think.
Oh, God.
Can you call me back, please?
The great Persian poet Rumi once said...Only from the heart
can we touch the sky.
Pryvet Fest comes from the heart.
Let's touch the sky.
What do you want?
Hey, how's it going?
Fine, thanks for calling. Have a nice life. No, wait.
How did the exam go? Was it OK?
Are you being serious right now? What do you mean?
You said you were my friend and I could trust you,
but that was lies. You can trust me.
So why are you trying to put my brother in jail?
Es, he had a gun.
Only because he was trying to help me.
But you wouldn't know that because you didn't stop to ask.
You just did us dirty like everyone else always does.
Don't call us again.
Es!
Agh! Christ. Greg-head, what are you working on? That's private.
Well, let me see. What are you... Ah, there he is. The man everyone's
calling Captain Ahab. Why are they calling me Captain Ahab, sir?
Cos you're always looking for dick?
Because you're the man who landed the big whale. Yeah, he did,
but he paid 100 quid for her. I'm talking about Lady Gabby,
our star client. Right. Yeah. Top floor are singing your praises.
Since you brought her in, we've had interest from some other big names.
Can you say who, sir? Peter Andre has been in touch.
A couple of footballers,
and we think we might have that TV presenter who's been touching kids.
Fantastic. I'm having drinks and nibbles at my place tomorrow night.
If you're free, you should come along. Bring her ladyship.
I will, sir. Thank you, sir.
I've started the conversation upstairs about you and the P word.
What's the P word? Pervert?
Partner. Carry on, Ahab.
Sir, you know this...
Hi. So, what I've done is...
TYRES SCREECH
Hey, Greg, thanks for the money laundering and forging documents.
You should get a pint when you come out of jail.
Have you got your story straight?
Chillax. You're wound up like an eight-day clock?
Well, OK, first of all, you're far too old to say chillax.
Secondly, don't tell me to chillax because if you blow this,
we are both in the shitter.
PHONE RINGS Yeah. Your father's here.
Fuck! What does your dad drink?
Er...
Jameson. Jimmy. Why does it have to...
Dad!
Thank you for coming in.
So, I'd like you to meet...
Howard Cherry. Pleasure. Privilege to meet you, sir.
John Halloran. Thanks for the meeting.
Of course, I'm sure you want to see who your son's
getting in the sack with, so to speak.
Well, you can't ever be too careful.
You sing two choruses of that, and a lot of gum beans out there.
Gum beans?
How's a Yank come to be using a term like that?
My neighbours in Queens were Kellys.
Second generation off the famine ship
and straight into the heart of Sunnyside. Old Ma Kelly,
she kept a portrait of JFK next to the Virgin Mary.
She'd give them both a kiss before bed.
Oh, thank you.
So, Mr Cherry,
what's your interest in a small business like mine?
Ours, Dad. Please, call me Howard.
I come up in a time and a place when it meant something to do
an honest day's work and Irish, Italians, Polacks,
shoulder by shoulder, making something.
You could hold in your hands. Nowadays, you have to search
to find something to invest in
that hasn't been built by an Asian robot.
They say that's the future, but I can't sit down
with an Asian robot, pour him a drink, ask him,
"How's your wife and kids?"
What's your tipple?
I'd take a Jimmy neat, if I thought you'd joined me.
Make it two.
And call me John. Thank you, John.
Bloody hell, you grew up in Downton Abbey?
It's not Downton Abbey, it's called Wyndham Park.
And, yes. I was seven and then I went to boarding school.
You went to boarding school at seven?
Yes. Daddy wanted the best education for me.
Daddy is a 16th Earl of Gloucestershire.
You know how to address an earl, right?
Yeah.
No. What's an earl again?
An earl is above a viscount but below a marquis.
Oh, OK.
No, that doesn't help.
You address an earl as "Your Lordship"
when you first meet him, and then it's "Sir" after that.
And how will I dress a lord?
Your Lordship.
So, why isn't an earl "Your Earlship"?
I don't know.
It makes no sense.
It does make sense, Greg.
A lord, an earl, a viscount a marquis or a baron,
they are all Your Lordship. What about a duke?
Your Grace. You're right, it makes perfect sense.
Is that a good idea?
Just to help me focus. Want some?
No, I'm good for focus, thank you.
You've got some focus on your nose.
Yep.
Is he ready for us?
Don't shake Daddy's hand.
He'll offer his hand if he wants to shake yours.
Thanks very much. > I think that went really well. >
Daddy!
Hello, my dear.
Ah.
Let me look at you.
Have you lost weight?
Yes, a little bit, Daddy.
Well, I thought so. You look good.
You're a tall drink of water.
This is Greg, my consiglieri.
Consiglieri!
Who did you use to work for? The Godfather?
Ho! It's an honour to meet you, Your Holiness.
Your Lordship, my lordship, my lordship, your lord.
I'm Greg, I'm the new legal counsel for Gabby.
I'm terribly busy, darling.
I can't give you much time.
Sebastian says you have a proposal for me.
Yes.
Good. Come along.
Just take a few seconds.
It can't have been easy back in the day for an Irish man to build
such a fine business here in Britain,
let alone a Catholic from the Short Strand.
Things were rough.
There were signs saying No...no blacks, no dogs, no Irish.
Although I never understood
why the Irish were lumped in with the blacks.
The Irish are grafters.
Blacks do nothing but bellyache and beg for hand-outs.
Anyway, a toast to all the honest grafters.
I'll drink to that.
Slainte.
Sorry, Mr Cherry, did you want some... Oh!
Sorry, there, Mr Cherry. You clown. Yeah.
Sorry. WHISPERS: Your tag. Sorry, Howard, my son's a bloody eejit.
Don't sweat it.
I never fear a wet leg, only a dry glass.
PHONE RINGS
No, I'm in a meeting.
A young man is here to see you. Well, who is it?
He didn't give a name. Said you'll know what it's about.
What does he look like?
Early 20s, black chap.
Sorry.
I'm sorry. Mr Cherry...
Just, erm, excuse me.
Jesus Christ.
Thank you, Caroline.
What do you want?
You don't need that. I'll be the judge.
I wasn't going to hurt you before.
Sticking a gun in someone's face,
that's-that's your idea of showing affection, is it?
You backed me into a corner taking that money.
I need it back.
I told you it's tied up.
Then untie it.
Please, man. Look at you. You're rich. That money is nothing to you.
I need it.
Christian, I can't just click my fingers.
I need time. I don't have time.
I just... I think that's a very good proposal.
And, yeah, I think I'm going to chew that over.
OK, well, I'll drop back by tomorrow and I'll see what you decided.
Well... Good to see you, Howard. And you, John.
See you soon, I hope. Mm.
What was he doing here?
He wants his money back.
What money?
What money do you think?
My boutique festival will bring together the millennial generation
with 300 years of heritage and tradition to create the cultural
experience of the decade.
The great Persian poet Rumi once wrote...
..Only from the heart
can you touch the sky.
My festival comes from the heart.
Let's touch the sky.
Thank you.
"Privet" Fest? Oh, no, it's "Private",
erm, as in exclusive.
It looks like "Privet", as in the hedge.
Well, you do a lot of hedges so it still works. What are your revenue projections?
Oh, well, 5,000 attendees with an adult ticket price starting
at £110 plus sponsorship. Promotion?
I have a social media reach of a million and a half.
Are you staying off the booze and the drugs?
Yes, Daddy! Good. That's why you've lost weight.
Booze and drugs make you fat and puffy.
Your mother was the same.
So, what do you think, Daddy?
Look, infrastructure costings seem woolly,
the profit margins are tight...
..but your proposal is thorough
and your presentation was well prepared.
You have my blessing.
Good job.
Thank you, Daddy!
I will make you so proud.
Darling, I'm terribly pressed for time.
I need to jump into some legal particulars with Greg.
Yes, of course. Yes, you do your thing.
It's just...
Are you fucking my daughter?
Am I doing what, now, sir? Are you fucking my daughter?
No, she's a lesbian, isn't she?
No, it's just a phase.
Like when she would only eat food that was blue.
What is there except blueberries?
Nothing. That's why it only lasted a day.
So, what's your angle?
I haven't got one, I'm just helping with the festival.
Oh, that's not happening. Shut it down.
Sorry, sir, you seemed to intimate pretty clearly to her that it was happening?
Gabriella, like her late mother, is a basket case of emotions.
If I'd said no, I'd have had an hour of tears and tantrums.
And I don't need the brain ache.
Make it go away, would you?
Your Lordship, Gabby...
Lady Gabriella, she's worked tirelessly on this. She'll do a great job.
Gabriella has never finished anything in her life, but if by some
miracle, she did pull this together, I don't want some juggler shitting
in my hedge or my cokehead daughter and 5,000 crusties ruining my lawn.
So, shut it down.
With respect, sir, I think you need to tell her yourself.
No, I needn't.
That's why I pay people like you.
Well, again, with the utmost respect, I don't work for you, I work for her.
The retainer Gabriella pays law firm,
where do you think that money comes from?
Instagram? Reality TV? No.
I bankroll her entire life,
which means you don't work for her, you work for me.
If you want it to stay that way, make this disappear.
Oh, and I don't want to upset my daughter.
As far as Gabriella knows, this didn't come from me.
What am I supposed to tell her?
You're her consiglieri, think of something.
Bro, I went to his house, I checked the rooms,
and he wasn't at his place.
So that's it, is it?
End of search?
What am I supposed to say to the Dean when he calls?
Sorry, the man with your money wasn't home?
What time do you want to put a bullet in my head?
I'm free after 6:00.
Fuck me. How could something so big have such a tiny brain?
You're like a fucking brontosaurus with cornrows?
KNOCKING AT DOOR
Who is it?
Police.
We'd like to ask you about someone with the nickname Spider.
It's the Brookhill.
How are we going to get past?
RING TONE Emergency services, which service you require?
Police, please.
Es! Are you mad?! You know you can't call feds!
Police emergency?
Hello.
I'm a 15-year-old girl and I'm home alone and I'm really scared.
Why are you scared? There are these boys hanging outside my house.
They're smoking drugs and wearing hoodies.
And they're black.
Stay indoors and we'll send someone.
What's your address?
There she is, the supergrass.
All right. Leave her alone.
Guy had a gun. What's she supposed to say? Nothing.
Why would he run if he wasn't guilty of something?
Says the rich white aristocrat's daughter.
He was scared.
Of what?
High Pockets,
what's the jail time for having an undertaker's friend?
A what? An undertaker's friend.
A gun. Well, don't say it like everyone knows what an undertaker's friend is.
You're a lawyer. Not from the 1950s.
What's the jail time?
Gun possession?
Minimum, five years.
Yeah. Five years?
Rekowski, words, my office.
Is this a store cupboard?
No, it's my office.
Did it used to be a store cupboard, then?
Doesn't matter what it used to be. It's my office now.
You're probably wondering why I don't keep my notes on a computer.
Yeah, sure.
Criminals have logarithms.
They can hack any password in two minutes or less.
Did you know that?
No. No.
Most computer companies don't want people knowing.
Don't want to start a panic.
If you worked in law enforcement like I do, you'd know.
But you're a civilian so you don't.
How did you know the gun belonged to Christian?
Cos I saw him with it.
Do you know why he had a gun?
If you know more than you're saying,
and I find out,
that I will rain down vengeance on you the likes of which...
What is it, Ronnie?
Can I get my mop and bucket?
Well, quickly then, I'm doing an interrogation.
Close the door. Thank you.
Jesus.
I will rain down vengeance on you
the likes of which you have never known.
Now,
do you know where Christian is?
I have no idea.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I got a call about antisocial behaviour,
do you know anything about it?
CHATTER
Do you have anything sharp in your pockets? What's in the bag?
Es, we've got to go.
Esme!
Es.
Hey.
Hey. You all right?
Do you think I killed him?
No. Do you know how hard it is to kill someone?
You'd have to be like an expert shot,
hit all the right organs.
Have you ever fired a gun before?
No. No.
So the chances of you hitting him where it matters
is next to zero.
OK?
Come on.
You got to go.
I want to call the hospital. Mm-mm. We can't call the hospital.
I need to know. I know but we can't right now.
All right?
Right now, we got to leave.
All right? MOBILE PHONE BUZZES
Pack your stuff. Yeah?
Let's go.
Yeah?
HE SIGHS
I know you don't want to speak to me but I also know
that you and your sister are in some kind of trouble.
It's all my fault.
Let's meet at the placement whenever you can.
Please.
I really want to help.
So last night, I was up till God knows what time and I was
refining the plans and I started thinking about the next stage,
so we need to bring in an events organiser and a marketing person.
Do you think maybe a music festival might be a bit ambitious?
Got to dream big to achieve big.
Totally. And you did an amazing job yesterday.
You've completely proven to your dad what you're capable of. Yeah.
I just wonder if we should start with something smaller
than a music festival, like a...
car-boot sale.
Why the cold feet, hey?
Daddy was the biggest hurdle. We played him by a mile.
OK, I need to speak to you now.
I want to find, Christian.
Why? You starting a lynch mob?
No. To make things right.
I got him all wrong. You think?
Will you help me find him?
How? I'm thinking we break into Diane's office,
get a look at Christian's file, go from there.
That's mad. Completely mad. I am so in.
And so is Greg. Yeah.
No, Gr... No, Greg's not breaking into Diane's office.
Why not? Because we're in community service, not Ocean's 11.
Plus, he had an undertaker's friend.
High Pockets is right. Don't get involved.
I'm already involved.
Please just help me find Christian.
What's that about Christian? This doesn't concern you.
Oi! Less conversation, more perspiration.
You're here for 125 hours picking up rubbish for no money.
I'm here reading my magazine, getting paid £25,000 a year net.
I own a Citroen Picasso, after six more payments. And I get two weeks
annual paid leave when I get to take my wife and kids to Majorca
and the Government literally pays me to sit on my arse.
Now, you have two choices in life -
you can either be the person picking up the rubbish,
or you can be the person watching the person picking up the rubbish.
Ask yourself,
which one do you want to be?
Hey, are you thinking of helping her find the kid?
No, as she said, it doesn't concern you.
It does concern us. We took the kid's money.
That was Christian's money?! That was Christian's money, OK?
And that gun of his, by the way, he put that thing to my head.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes. He is desperate, OK?
And he came to my place of work.
All right? So if you're thinking about helping her find him,
he is not just going to thank you for your kindness and allow us
to keep the huge bag of cash we stole from him.
We can't just abandon him to the police.
I know this isn't what you want to hear right now,
but I think you can. No!
Can't just let the police chase him down like a rabid dog!
Please catch him and the gun gets him five years.
He's out of our hair.
Five years. What? Because I stood by and did nothing?
No, because he put himself in this position.
No, because we stole his money.
It's not the life savings of some little old lady.
You said it yourself, it's dirty money, which you cleaned.
You used it to finance the collective.
Exactly. That's a good point.
How many people can you help now, right?
I mean, hundreds, thousands of deserving people.
Right?
Listen, if by some miracle, you do end up saving him from the police
or whatever, that fucker's coming for his money.
Can you afford to just give it all back to him?
Because I sure as shit can't. So, what are you going to do?
I don't know.
Did you know that corporate manslaughter legislation means
that if there are any deaths at the festival,
you could be blamed personally.
So, like if a lady was on her boyfriend's shoulders
and she was flashing her boobs during Coldplay and she slipped off
and cracked her head open, you could go to jail.
So, should we call the whole thing off?
What is with you, G?
If you don't think I can do this, I will find a lawyer who does.
You can't do this.
What? Your father won't allow it.
What are you on about? He gave it his blessing.
Then afterwards, he told me to put an end to it.
What do you mean, what did... What did he say?
That he didn't want jugglers shitting in hedges
and his cokehead daughter ruining his lawn.
Well...
You're lying.
I mean, why wouldn't he just tell me that himself?
Because maybe he's not always the best dad in the world?
My father raises millions for charity, Greg.
He has given me the best education,
a house in Clifton, cars, clothes.
My-my father has given me everything I've ever wanted.
Has your dad ever given you his time?
You meet him for five minutes, and what, suddenly,
you're a fucking expert on my dad. I'm not saying that, Gabby, no.
No! My name is Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe.
If you wish to address me, it's "My Lady" or "Your Ladyship."
I'm sorry, Your Ladyship. I apologise.
Apology accepted. You're fired. What?
Gabby, calm down before you say something you might regret.
Will you stop fucking lecturing me?
Always mouthing off about how the rest of us should live.
Why don't you turn the spotlight on yourself for a change?
Ha-ha! What are you laughing at?
Nothing, no. Just...you got her number, hey?
Her number?
You two are the same person.
There is no difference between you two.
You think you're so superior, but you are both just down here
in the shit with the rest of us.
Oi! Less chin-wagging, more bin-bagging.
Fuck off, you twat rag.
What did you just say to me?
She said, "Fuck off, you twat rag."
Yeah, I heard what she said.
Five more hours for you, Missy! Gargle my nutsack, Missy!
I'm done.
She said, "Gargle my nutsack."
Thank you. I heard that too.
Hey.
If we don't get Christian's file by tomorrow, we won't be back
at the probation office for a week,
by which time the police would have got him so, please,
will you help me?
No.
All right, Yvonne.
Can I come in?
Oh. Hello, Terry, how are you?
You know, busy selling my soul to our corporate overlords.
Yeah, right. About that, I, er,
apologise.
Terry, did hell freeze over?
I'd also like to apologise for saying that the both
of you have the backbones of tapeworms.
You also call us the black Donald and Melania.
That was wrong of me. What about when you said I sold out faster than the PS5?
Yes. Sorry.
I'm sorry for all of it.
Oh, God.
Do you only have six weeks to live? No, I'm fine.
Then why are you acting like the housekeeper in Get Out?
Well, I am aware that I can...
..sometimes come over a bit...
What did you call it? A balled-up fist of fossilised rage.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how I became that person.
Do you need money? Is that why you're being so nice?
No.
But I do need your advice.
Advice?
From me?
Can we speak privately?
Go watch sport and scratch your balls, would you, love?
Sure.
But if she starts stirring her tea really slowly,
shout.
SHE CHUCKLES AND SIGHS
What's up?
Well, you know me, I'm always so certain of my opinions.
Like that Jermaine was the most talented of the Jackson Five?
He absolutely was.
No. I mean, like, you know, the important stuff
like how we act in life.
Go on.
I'm in a...situation.
I can't divulge all the details, but I can either help one person now
who is in big trouble or I can help lots of people in little ways
for years to come.
But I can't do both.
Well, you always say the right thing to do is whatever produces
the greatest good for the greatest number of people?
I know but what if it isn't?
I think you have to ask yourself this.
If you turn your back on this one person,
will you be able to live with yourself?
Do you need me to top up your pay as you go?
30 quid would be great.
RING TONE
Hi. Hey, babe.
I'm having a party tonight, so just tell everyone.
I feel really, really guilty about what I did.
You told the truth. There's no guilt in that.
You don't owe this boy anything.
Then what do I feel so bad?
Rani, you are special.
You have a wonderful future.
People don't expect you to jeopardise that for someone
you barely know.
But I do know him. He's my friend.
He is not your friend.
He is. I've seen him outside of CS.
Why would you go and do that, Rani?
Can you just not tell Dad?
And can you...
..not tell them that I'm...
..I'm going to go help him.
No, you're not. I have to do something.
No, you don't have to do anything.
Rani, you say you want to speak to me like an adult
and you are talking like a child?
Mum, you are really... Listen to me, please.
You're not listening to me! No, Rani!
Listen, please, please, sweetheart, just...
..really listen to me.
I know that right now, helping this boy seems like the most
important thing in the world.
But thinking you can wave a magic wand and save him from his problems,
that is a child talking.
Being an adult means knowing that he is not your responsibility.
This feeling of guilt you have, huh?
That's just a moment in time. It'll be gone in a flash.
But one bad decision now...
..will wreck your whole life forever.
RAP MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC FADES AWAY
I told him the provenance.
I can get 165 at auction.
If he keeps lowballing, I'll simply put it on the open market.
Hang on a minute, Carl.
Yeah. She's at it again.
Hey, kiddo, you home alone?
Tom's here, Mummy's at work.
What you doing, drawing a picture?
That's me.
And that's Mummy. And that's Tom.
And who's that?
You.
It's for you.
Thank you.
HM.
Let's stick it on the fridge.
I smell smoke.
You been smoking my cigars again?
SHE LAUGHS
Huh. What's on the menu?
Do you know what we read in school last year, Frank?
Fahrenheit 451. Do you know what that is?
The burning temperature of paper.
Give me the money, son.
If you want it, come and get it.
Oh, no, you can't, can you?
Because I measured it and your tag would go off
and how would you explain a big box of cash to the police?
I won it gambling.
Yeah! Got lucky at the bingo, did you?
I had a flutter on the gee-gees.
Hid the winnings because...
..I know your mother doesn't approve.
Mr Francis Sheldon, from London Heathrow to Rio de Janeiro.
Win this at the horses too?
I treated myself to a holiday for when the tag comes off.
For Christ's sake, what are you doing?
Are you abandoning Mum again? No.
Then why is it a one-way ticket?
Not one-way, open-ended.
More lucky winnings go in the fire every time you lie, Frank.
I'm not lying. Oh, dear.
Are you abandoning Mum again?
I'm not abandoning anyone. Stop lying!
Are you abandoning Mum again?
No.
Yes, all right, yes.
Was everything you said a lie?
Not everything.
I defended you.
Nobody asked you to.
Don't look at me like that.
I was going to leave your mother some of the money.
She doesn't want your money. She wants her dad.
She survived without me before. She'll survive again.
Why didn't you want to stay with us?
Because I spent 18 months in a prison cell,
I'm not spending my last few years in another one.
So, that's what we are to you?
No, no... Another prison cell. Come on.
I didn't mean it that way.
No, what are you doing?
No need to tell your mother, yeah?
You know, Mum was right.
Have you every just once put anyone else before yourself?
MICROWAVE BEEPS
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
You know, first time I was in a police station...
..I was six years old.
My mother had this very flattering nightdress.
It was white chemise with...
..embroidered gold irises.
And she should put it on...
..and she hung herself.
I found the body.
And I just remember I felt so scared and so alone, and I was petrified.
I was only six.
And I called my dad.
And he was too busy.
And you know who he sent to look after me?
His groundskeeper.
I was still wearing his wellies.
Do you ever feel like if you vanished off the face of the Earth,
it'd make no difference to anyone?
Yeah, all the time, yeah.
I missed a day at work once because I lost my glasses
and I'm so blind I couldn't find my spare glasses
and nobody at work noticed.
People would notice if you vanished.
You got 1.2 million followers on social media.
For what, though?
For looking over my shoulder on a red carpet
so people can see my face and my arse at the same time?
I went to my great aunt's funeral
and I spent the whole time thinking,
What is the saddest Instagram filter?
What is it?
Midnight Blue.
I don't do anything.
I don't make anything.
No-one actually needs me.
Rani does.
She asked for all of our help, you're the only one who said yes.
Straight away. You didn't hesitate, you were straight in there.
That says a lot about who you are.
I spoke to your father, and he said he's not going to press charges.
Then he fired me.
He can't do that.
I already fired you.
Yeah, I told him that, yeah.
Guys...
Firstly, I just want to apologise for my outburst yesterday.
And, secondly, if you still want help finding Christian, then...
I am in. And so is Greg.
I'm in, too.
Thank you but I'm...
..out.
This was your idea.
It was childish. Being an adult is realising
I can't solve Christian's problems.
No. Being an adult is doing what you think is right,
which is why you came to us.
I came to you because I felt guilty.
That will pass.
Making the wrong choice now could wreck our lives forever.
Every choice we ever make could be the wrong one.
We still have to make them.
You told me not to get involved!
So, why should we jeopardise our entire lives
for a complete stranger?
But Christian isn't a stranger, he's our friend.
You said you wanted to make things right.
Can you live with yourself if you don't?
I'm in.
What's your plan?
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Northcott, morning.
Is this Gregory Dillard?
No, sir.
Well, when will he be in next?
Not until Monday, sir, but I share a desk with him. Can I help?
Yes. My name is John Halloran.
Dillard did a deal for an investment in my company.
I'm just doing due diligence on the investor.
Of course, we have to log all legal work on our case management system
so I can pull up the file.
What's the name of your company?
Halloran and Son.
That's not coming up on the system, sir. Check again.
I mean, your company's names all over the paperwork.
Hm. Nothing's been logged, sir. What's the name of the other party?
Cherry. Howard Cherry.
An American fella.
Again, nothing showing up, sir.
My eejit of a son has just been taken in by a bloody con man.
OK, so this is the security camera facing the office where Diane keeps
Christian's file in a locked cabinet.
Diane has the only set of keys.
This is me.
Greg, this is you.
Why am I the used condom?
Because you're thin and full of spunk, and that's a compliment.
Now, pay attention.
Where am I in this?
Oh, so, you're somewhere over here with the others
distracting Diane. Right. Diane is one problem.
What about our other problem?
What other problem?
There they are.
Him. Thank you, John.
- What are you all up to? - Nothing.
You better not be because I see everything.
And you might be interested to know
that last night I applied to be a police community support officer.
Aren't they just glorified traffic wardens? No.
Less blathering, more gathering.
Shit. You two are on five more hours.
Well done.
Hello. Hello, Sergeant Haines.
It's Diane from Community Payback.
Hi, Diane. Everything OK? Everything's fine.
I just wanted to let you know that last night I applied
to be a community support officer, as you requested.
It was more of a suggestion than a request.
Also, as per your other request,
no suspicious activity to report at this end.
How's it going at your end? You started any of that stuff
with the court boards, the registering yet?
I'm afraid I can't talk about ongoing investigations with a member of the public. Oh, sorry,
is there a member of the public there? No, I meant you, Diane.
Oh. Well, I'm not the public, though, am I?
You know that phrase, long arm of the law?
Well, if you're the arm, then I'm like one of your fingers,
aren't I? Poking away in the dirt at the front line.
And I appreciate that but I still can't talk about the case
outside my department, Diane. I'm sure you understand.
Yeah, absolutely understand.
I just wondered if you wanted any help locating the perp.
Who? Christian Taylor.
Oh, he's been discounted from our inquiries.
What?! Why? He had a gun.
As I said, I can't talk... OK, talk about the case.
Yep. Roger that.
Well, just know that I'm here, fingering away.
Good to know, Diane.
All right. Thank you, ma'am.
Hello? Hello? Oh.
She's gone.
Ballistics came back. And?
And the gun we found and the bullet they pulled from Spider...
..perfect match.
Jesus.
Red shovel. Red shovel.
Garden rake. Garden rake.
John, just thought you'd want to know that,
yeah, you were right.
No-one's going to look for the kid.
OK, good.
Diane. Yeah? Can I just have a quick word?
You know, I've apologised to everyone else, but I just wanted to
apologise to you, too, for telling you to gargle my nutsack.
I mean, as you can see, I don't actually have a nutsack,
so how could you gargle with it even if you wanted to?
Yeah, I did wonder. Hmm. OK, well, thank you.
Apology absorbed. Thank you, Diane.
Every one of the bus in five minutes. OK?
Thanks, Diane.
You're welcome.
Fucking hell, Greg-head.
You're in a lot of trouble now, mate.
Right. Everyone off.
Oh, Diane, is that paint or something
on the back of your jacket.
Oh, yeah, that's bad.
It's OK. It doesn't matter.
Got to get it early before it stains.
It's all right, it's fine. Can you get a cloth? Yep, I'm on it.
Greg, come with me. Yep.
I don't need a cloth. It's OK. What colour is it?
It's OK...
What?...
That looks great...
KNOCKING AT DOOR
Guys, it's OK. So leave it, leave it, leave it. Right, come on.
Let's head inside. Right, come on!
Which one of you thieving bastards has taken in? What?
My phone is missing. Probably just left it in the bus.
No, it was here in my bag and now it's gone.
I want every single one of you searched.
I'm not searching everyone.
You search everyone whenever you've lost anything?
She has a point. You do carry out a lot of random searches.
Yeah. You're always searching, like a search-meister.
She's not searching everyone! Oh, really?
Well, what have you got to hide?
Yeah, actually, what have you got to hide?
Arms up! Right now!
Hurry up. I don't want to go to jail.
Pretty boy like me. No, I'm trying.
Here, why don't you wait in our meeting room?
Shit!
Hiya.
Yeah. Um, if you'd just...
That's really professional, Diane. Oh, thanks.
Can you talk us through your technique?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Got to have loose...loose hips. All in the fingers, really?
Got to be smooth, careful but cautious.
There was actually a man at Heathrow Airport who was caught smuggling
rare birds down his pants.
That's actually where the phrase "budgie smugglers" comes from.
Erm... Sorry, I lost my place there.
Er... Right. Erm... Start again.
Arms up. Oh, for fuck's sake.
Right, this side. Then back up and then again down the leg,
and back up... Diane! ..and kind of... What are you doing?
I'm just conducting a search, sir.
I don't care if you're conducting the Berlin Philharmonic.
The police are here. They want to speak with everyone.
Now.
Best behaviour, please.
Sergeant Haines. Sergeant Selforth.
Lovely to see you again.
What are you doing?
Just having a stand.
Can we speak privately?
Absolutely. Please come through to my office.
Fuck off!
What happened? He pinched my arse!
No, I didn't!
Are you calling her a liar?
I stand with her!
Hands up, mate! I'm not putting up with your shit any more!
What is going on?
GREG: I didn't do anything wrong. Yes, you did!
You were born a straight white male!
DIANE: What is happening here?!
Desist! I insist you heed my command!
Heed my command!
Stop shouting!
Yes. Thank you.
Oh, stop this madness.
What is going on? Detective Sergeants, I do apologise.
They are never like this. They normally fear me.
This way, please.
Wait there, you lot.
You're in big trouble.
Right. I'm sorry.
Someone better tell me what the hell is going on.
I've spoken with Christian Taylor.
He has an alibi. All day.
Are you absolutely sure the man you saw with the gun is him?
100%.
Do you have a picture of Christian Taylor?
Erm, his mug shot will be in his file.
Taylor.
What is it?
This isn't the same man.