This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the start
MUSIC: Slap Man Off The Phone by Tempa T
Bit nervous, this is my first time.
Not sexually, I mean, with a prostit...
..with a lady of ill-repute.
You got the money, love?
The money? Oh, yeah, sorry.
I find the evenings quite lonely since my wife left,
if you're wondering why...
Hurry up, love. I'd just quite like to get back to Match of the Day.
Oh, yes, sorry.
So what happens now? Do you...?
Oh, straight to it.
SHE UNZIPS TROUSERS
Was your business affected much by coronavirus?
Must be quite hard to do this when you're wearing a face maaaask?
Oh, that's tremendous.
Oh, well done. HE CHUCKLES
That's... You've done that before.
HE MOANS
Oh!
HE MOANS AND GIGGLES
Open your window, sir.
Evening, officer. This is my wife.
What? If you're wondering who this lady is, is my wife.
We are happily married. Can I see your driving licence, sir?
Yep.
Just going to reach for it in the glove compartment.
I'm unarmed.
No, no, no. What are you...?
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I know a lawyer, if you need one.
Oh, no, thanks, I actually am a lawyer.
Really? But do you know a tyre guy?
DOORBELL RINGS
Lara!
I know you've got another woman in there, Lara!
There's no-one here, Gabby. You know, if you're going to cheat on me
would you at least get your own fucking Spotify account?
I can see that you're on my Netflix and Chill playlist.
God! Before you met me, you thought Mumford and Sons
did furniture removals.
You're being mad.
Go home. Drink some water.
No, no, no, Gabby.
Shit, Gabby! No, I will call the police again.
They will arrest you!
Ooh, why darling?
I'm just issuing a public service announcement.
Lara Grant is a cheating SKANK.
OVER PHONE: Which service do you require?
Yes. Police, please.
# Oh, I was born a good boy
# My momma loved me so
# And she gave me every chance she could... #
How did he know I was going to be here?
Get off.
# And the wrong crowd led me on
# But I could have gone right
# Just as easy as I went wrong. #
INDISTINCT CHATTERING
Does she put a rocket in your pocket?
What?
The girl you've been having a sneak at the last ten minutes.
Do you like her? She's just a friend from school.
Ask her out.
I can't just ask her out.
She's right there. With her friends.
So?
So, they might laugh at me.
Remind me why being laughed at is worse than dying a virgin.
I'm not a virgin.
No, and I don't have to get up six times a night to take a piss.
All right, I'll ask her out for you.
No. Please don't.
I'm only waiting while Mum takes my sister to class so that
you don't steal her car.
How's this?
Go tell it, you're having a party.
She and her friends are invited.
Mum doesn't let me have parties.
Let me worry about your mum.
Do it! Or forever wish you had.
Oop!
INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
Well.
We need to have a party. You're an animal.
SCHOOLBELL RINGS You're an animal.
There is.
Greggles, quick question, yep.
When they arrested you with that prossie,
did you come quietly? LAUGHTER
Just a joke.
Thanks for taking it on the chin.
As you said, your prossie.
I mean, you're a lawyer, mate.
You're the one who's supposed to be charging 200 quid an hour to get people off.
No, chap, seriously, peace offering, got some intel for you.
I have been slipping Kingsley's secretary a length.
And she tells me that he and the partners are not happy with you.
What has she heard? That you are on your way out the door,
unless you win some fans upstairs sharpish.
Win some fans how? Oh, come, chap.
When they hired you as a solicitor,
they didn't think the only thing you'd be soliciting are prostitutes.
I mean, when is the last time you brought in a new client?
That was you? For kerb-crawling.
I was not kerb-crawling.
I got her number of the internet.
I'm just saying you better find a way to get yourself noticed
that doesn't involve being noshed off in a car park.
Hey, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm having a party,
and you're invited.
Beth, Louise and Cassidy said they would come.
No-one's coming to your shitty party.
There's going to be alcohol.
I can get alcohol any time I want.
My dad has got it hid all over the house.
No-one is coming to your party.
LOUD POUNDING
Make it quick because I'm rinsing this kid from China
and he's got to go bed soon.
So, we good?
What do you think, Spider? We good?
Look, I done my part, now you do yours.
My sister comes by, she ain't welcome.
All right. We good.
Yo.
Any trouble?
No. No trouble.
Hey, bud!
I'm cancelling the party.
Why?
No-one wants to come.
I have to ask you something.
Are you a nerd?
What? No. Why would you say that?
You dress like one.
You're 70 years old, what do you know about fashion?
Nothing. And I still know you dress like a nerd, which should worry you.
Why are you being mean? I'm not being mean.
I'm helping. Can you magically make me cool? Yes.
How?
You're going to have a famous person at your party.
What? Who?
So apparently, since I started community payback,
sales and hi-vis tabards are through the roof.
Oi! Now... Eyes off the cellphone, nose to the grindstone.
Eh, keep sweeping.
Yeah, but really look.
I mean, we trashed an entire economy,
so the old people in care homes didn't die of coronavirus.
But how long did they have left, really?
You know? I mean, 400 billion in debt
so that Nana gets one extra year watching Bargain Hunt?
I mean, who's bankrolling this, by the way?
You know? I'm all about standing there applauding nurses.
That's fine. But how about a round of applause for the higher rate taxpayer?
Right?
Hey.
You know, that, like, line that they made you steal? What was that?
What the hell were you thinking? What?
You could have got one of us killed! Why are you even there?
To help. Yeah, but I didn't ask for your help. But you needed it.
You don't know me or my life.
Just stay out of it.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Lunch, 30 minutes.
Sashimi? I don't eat raw fish.
Have you ever tried it? No.
Then how do you know you don't like it?
I've never shoved a cucumber up my arse, but I'm pretty sure
it's not my thing. Only pretty sure.
Raw fish, the healthiest protein you can eat.
When I was in Japan, all I lived on for two months was sashimi
from Tokyo Fish Market.
I was as light as an otter.
That's a haunting image. OK.
Come on. Bonding exercise.
Everyone has to share one secret with the group.
OK, who wants to start?
OK, right. I will.
I have pretty much completely ruined things with my girlfriend,
but she has agreed to meet me later.
Now I know that I still have a long way to go to make-up
for what I did, but I'm working on that.
Someone did once say, "There is no challenge more challenging
"than the challenge to improve yourself." Mm! So, yeah.
Well, wish me luck. Good luck. All the best. Thanks, guys.
Good luck. Good luck with that.
Come on, John. What's your secret?
You're a bunch of convicted criminals.
Why would I be sharing my secrets? Angry I even told you my name.
Frank, what's your secret?
I first come to England in 1971.
I told people it was a vacation,
but I was dodging the draft. What's that?
In America, there was a lottery conscripting men for Vietnam.
So I come here, married a wonderful woman and I kept my head down.
So you never went to Vietnam?
Not until 1994.
I went on my terms.
Chris, tell us something we don't know about you.
CHRIS SIGHS
Unlike Frank, I've never been on a plane before.
Never been further than Weston-super-Mare.
You have to travel, son.
You have not lived until you've drunk rum with fishermen
on a trawler in the Bay of Bengal.
I once drank Tia Maria with a greengrocer on the Isle of Wight.
That count?
OK, Myrna, tell us something people don't know about you.
I was one of the people who tore down that statue of Edward Colston.
Wow. So you're a vandal?
No, I just don't believe in memorialising slave traders.
And that gives you the right to destroy public property, does it?
Edward Colston got rich from the systematic dehumanisation
of an entire people.
So did Simon Cowell. But you're not going after him, are you?
Well, I'll tell you what, let's put up some more statues of white blokes.
Who should we have? Prince Andrew?
Piers Morgan? Harry Potter?
Guys, please.
You can't fix yourself by breaking someone else.
Which philosopher gave us that little gem, Ariana Grande?
Greg, what's your secret?
I'm a lawyer.
Keep that quiet, shameful.
A lawyer who's badly organised.
Can't remember case precedents.
I use Wikipedia to conduct most of my legal research.
I've missed court deadlines. I've forged signatures.
We've all done that in my office.
In my office, I have this cupboard. I call it the Cupboard of Chaos.
I've stuffed every letter, witness statement, affidavit,
that's proof of my incompetence in there and I can't destroy them.
I can't file them. So I live in constant fear that someone will open the cupboard
and I'll never work in law again.
Even though I'm probably going to get fired anyway unless I bring in some new clients, so...
Actually, does anyone need a lawyer? I've got some business cards here.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Hey, are you any good?
Rani? Hm? What's your secret?
Well, the other night I stole my dad's van,
I drove it to Lawrence Hill to help this boy I barely know
get out of a really scary situation.
And even though I put my neck on the line for him,
he's incredibly ungrateful.
You do not need people like that in your life.
Yeah! Why did you even help him?
I guess I thought he was my friend.
Oh, honey, he is not your friend.
He is a total fart-knocker.
Hey boys, let's bounce, man.
A line is a mobile phone that drug dealers use. It contains numbers
for all their customers,
so that makes it valuable to rival gang members
that might want to steal their business.
Cool.
Look, I'm not used to people helping me,
so when they do, I get suspicious.
I'm sorry and thank you for what you've done for me.
You're welcome.
Look, before I turn into a...
..total fart-knocker... SHE LAUGHS
..you said that you'd help my sister with her exams.
Don't know if I can.
Frank's not the only one with a curfew.
You don't have an ankle tag. Worse.
I have an Asian mother.
Nature's ankle tag.
She uses that Find My Friends app,
so she can see where me and my phone are at all times.
Her and my dad watch it like a TV show.
Well, could you meet my sister somewhere you might legit be going anyway?
Hm.
Diane?
Can I play some music?
I'll allow it.
By the way, I overheard you doing your bonding exercise.
Is that against the rules?
No, you should include everyone, really.
Everyone's got interested in secrets.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Of course. What's yours, Diane?
No, I don't mean me specifically? I just mean, if there's a group of people,
you should include everyone or no-one at all. Or it's just rude.
Got it. Yeah.
But you know, if you did have a secret that you wanted
to share, then I'd love to hear it.
No, I don't.
OK, then.
I've just started Brazilian jujitsu.
My teacher says I probably got the strongest thighs of any beginner
he's ever trained.
And he once trained Jason Statham.
Wow! So if you were to come at me now,
I'd drop you a single-leg takedown.
Your head in between these bad boys.
Uh-huh. Crack that pretty little neck like a walnut.
I feel like I know you so much better now.
You're welcome. Back to work.
Your Ladyship.
Can I just say I was so struck by what you said earlier?
There's no challenge more challenging the challenge
to improve yourself.
Wise words that really struck home.
Oh, I'm glad.
Can I share a secret?
I didn't want to mention it in front of the group because I'm ashamed.
Oh, yeah, of course. I've been a terrible father and a worse grandad.
In what way? I lived here 40 years.
Pecker in on one hand, bottle in the other.
Sex, drugs, rock and roll.
I broke hearts. I burned my bridges.
But I figure if we can mend this dump, I can bend my bridges too.
Hey, good for you!
I'm throwing my grandson Tom a party tonight.
He's a good kid, he's not the coolest beer in the fridge,
but I'm trying to win him some street cred.
And I'm wondering...
..how much would you charge to make a VIP appearance?
Oh, darling, you couldn't afford me.
Damn it!
This poor kid can't catch a break. Poor kid.
Well, look, you know...
I admire anyone trying to change their life for the better.
So.
How about I stop by for five minutes free of charge?
You would to do that?
Oh! Your ladyship.
Oh. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Frank.
Yeah? What kind of music do you like?
Oldies but goodies.
Right, so what I'd do there is I would just in one movement
just snap that giraffe-like neck of yours like a dry twig.
OK? Yeah. Right back to work.
MUSIC: Chain Gang By Sam Cooke
# Ah!
# Ooh!
# Ah!
# Ooh!
# Don't you know that's the sound of the men
# They're working on the chain gang?
# Well, Lord, the sound of the men
# They are working on a chain gang
# All day long they're singing
# Ooh!
# Ah!
# Ooh!
# Ah!
# Ooh!
# Ah!
# Ooh!
# Ah!
# Don't you know the sound of the men
# They're working on the chain gang
# Can't you hear them?
# They're out there working
# They're working on the chain gang
# All day long, they're going...
# I'm going home one of these days
# I'm going home
# Yes, I am
# See my woman
# The girl I love so dear
# But in the meanwhile, people... #
What on earth? Wait.
Never open an unattended bag.
See it, say it, sorted.
Whatever.
Oh, my God.
Bloody hell!
Wow.
Christ.
Did you like the flowers I sent?
Hard to appreciate them fully when I looked at them my windows
and saw my defaced car outside.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, come on, you know, that's not me.
Sometimes it is.
Well, look, it's not how I want me to be.
Just give me another chance, Lara, please.
I'll get anger management, whatever, anything you want.
It's not just your temper, Gabby.
I never know what mood you're going to be in from one moment to the next. It's exhausting.
Yeah, I imagine. I'm sorry.
I can't be a lifeboat or your punch bag or whatever it is you need.
Lady Gabby. Are you, Lady Gabby Penrose-Howe?
Abso-bloody-lutely.
Oh, my God, we love you. We both follow you on Instagram.
Oh, thank you. How's your festival going?
You know, it's a lot of work.
I bet. Yeah. Can we get a picture?
Oh, naturellement. Would you?
Naturellement.
Thank you so much.
We're massive fans. Oh, thank you so much.
Well, listen, you guys have the perfect day. Thanks.
Mm.
What? We're in the middle of a conversation.
What was I suppose to do, tell them to fuck off?
Yes. All right, fine, next time I will.
SHE SCOFFS
What, you don't think I will?
No, it's not your fault. You're addicted.
To what? Approval from a million people you've never met.
Well, then take it, Lara. Take it. Delete Instagram and Twitter.
Everything. It'll just be me and you. I'm serious, Lara.
I can change.
It's too late, Gabby. Don't...FUCKING say that.
I'm sorry... Hi! Can my daughter have a photo?
Absolutely.
In fact...no, fuck off.
See, I can change. Why don't you believe me?
Because you say you're going to do a lot of things and you never see them through?
What about my festival? I'm going to see that through.
It's never going to happen. Fuck you. Yes, it is.
I have to go.
Are you seeing someone else?
I'm not even cold in my grave yet.
Bye, Gabby.
Fine. Go, go. Fuck off.
Fuck off!
Hi, sorry about earlier. I just...
Bad day. Do you still want to do that picture?
Hey.
What do you want?
What do you mean?
I don't want you hanging round me no more. Why not?
I ain't got to give you reasons, little girl.
I ain't a little girl. Give me a chance. I'll prove it.
Go home. I want to be out... I said, "Go home."
What's the matter? Nothing.
Es, how would you feel about leaving Bristol?
And go where?
Anywhere in the world?
What, Swindon?
No, anywhere.
Tokyo Fish Market.
Why would we go to Tokyo for fish?
There's a Morrisons round the corner. It's just an example.
How you hoping to pay for this?
Scratchcards? Got some money coming to me.
From where? So, what do you think, Es?
Maybe somewhere new, you know, starting again.
No, I want to stay in Bristol.
I don't need your permission. Anywhere I go, you have to go too.
Well, once I'm 16, I'll just come back.
Look, Es, I'm...
I'm not suggesting this to be a dick.
I want you to have chances in life, options.
I pick the option where I do what I want to do.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
I can make my own friends. No, she can help you. How?
By getting you a life, so you can stay out of mine.
Helping you with your exams. I ain't doing my exams.
Yes, you are. No, I'm not.
Well, if you want to stay here, you're doing your exams.
Or we're both on the next flight to Tokyo Fish Market.
I'm taking Holly to her dad's and then I'm going to work.
Don't forget there's a cottage pie in the fridge and your grandpa is a lying snake, bye, love you.
Why did you keep saying that about grandpa?
He's only ever nice about you.
And he really cares about us. No, Tom.
The only thing your grandpa cares about is drinking and gambling
and getting his end away. What "does getting his end away" mean?
It's what some adults do when they've got no moral compass, sweetie.
Oh, OK.
What's a "moral compass"? I'll explain in the car.
Mum's gone. Where is it?
Oh, Frank!
We are off now.
OK. You sure you can't save me from the mouth that is Yamini?
Come, love. I think I really need to study.
Ooh. I might actually go to the library a bit.
OK, we won't be late.
There's some kottu in the fridge in case you get hungry. OK?
OK, thanks. Have a nice night. Love you. Bye.
Rani.
LOUD THUD
Sorry.
Rani, this is my sister, Esme.
Pleasure to meet you.
I really appreciate you doing this.
Don't we, Es? Oh, we're BUZZING. Shh!
Don't shush me. I'm not one of your cats.
Sorry.
Cool. All right. Well, I'll leave you to it.
You're not staying.
No, I can't, I got to work. I'll see you later.
OK. Thanks, again.
OK.
I thought we'd go over some old papers.
Why are you here?
To help me prep for your exams.
So you're wearing that top for me?
I mean, I'm flattered, but you're not really my type.
Why have you fancy my brother when he's such a waste, man?
I don't fancy your brother.
He's a moron. That's why he's doing community service.
What's your excuse?
We're not here to talk about me. We're here to talk about algebra.
Tell me how you broke the law. Do you want to study or not?
Not. OK, fine. I don't give a shit, either.
Yes, you do. You want to turn me into a genius,
so my brother will fall in love with you.
No, I'm not doing that. I'm literally here...
Are you still a virgin? ECHOES: FUCK OFF!
Don't worry, I got it.
Shh.
WHISPERS: Outrageous.
How 'bout...
..I ask you a maths question
and for everyone you get right, you can ask me a question?
Sound good?
My brother was right.
You are clever.
DISTANT DANCE MUSIC THUMPS
I just love her so much, you know?
I mean, she's...
..she's caring, and she...
..and she makes me laugh.
And, you know, she's just not interested in the money or the fame.
You know, she...
..she actually loves me for me.
But I get this rage sometimes, you know, this...this anger,
and it's like I have to just blow up anything that is good in my life.
I mean, who does that?
So, do you want to pay by cash or by card?
What are you doing?
That's not how you roll a joint.
Give it to me.
DOORBELL RINGS
It's not her, it's not her.
Is she not here yet, then?
No, not yet, fashionably late, of course.
That's so her. Isn't it?
Well, come in, let me get you a drink.
"Dear Mr DuPont,
"Re your letter dated May 7th,
"we await your response to the plaintiff's statement of claim
"file number GRT 4...
"..864...
".. .1."
Are you paid by the hour or the word to type up this crap?
Whatever they're paying you in Singapore is not enough. So sorry.
You know, every day I come back to my desk after lunch
and I have a panic attack.
I just sit here and I realise that
I don't understand any of this.
And if you're thinking, "Well, why don't you quit, then,
"you spineless, bog-eyed, beanpole wanker?"
I say, "And do what? Finance? Sales?
"I'd be worse at sales than I am at bloody law
"and I'm pretty bloody shit at that, love, so that's a mad idea."
DICTAPHONE BEEPS
DICTAPHONE: Recording deleted.
"Dear Mr DuPont, re your letter dated May 7th,
"We await your response to the plaintiff's statement of claim..."
I'm really trying to cut down on my screen time, and I only
want to follow influencers who make me feel really good about myself.
Yeah, me too. DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, no, it's just some old people.
Yeah, come in. Hi, Frank.
Is she even coming?
Where's lady Gabby? She's coming.
SHE SIGHS
And you score 33 out of 60 on paper one and then 75 out of 100
on paper two,
what's your overall percentage score for the exam?
67.5?
Very good. That is correct.
My question. Why did you steal stuff?
I don't know.
Not good enough. Must try harder.
My mum does not like me doing things that take me away from studying,
but when she was my age, her family in Sri Lanka were...
..massacred.
So, I feel like I just can't get mad at her
when she says I can't go ice skating a school night.
But I don't know, that...frustration has to come out somewhere.
Your mum sounds like my brother.
He's trying to run my life. No, no, he just...
..he cares about you so much.
Do you know he called social services on our mum,
had her parental rights taken away,
so I'm forced to live with him instead of my own mum.
That's not caring. That's psychopathic.
Did she do something? No.
She's just...sick.
Sick how?
Next question.
OVER TANNOY: Welcome to Good Burger. What can I get you?
What would you recommend for someone whose girlfriend is a cheating whore?
Uh...spicy mozzarella dippers?
Yeah, great, and I'll get to Gert burgers and two large fries.
Thanks. All right.
Hi, friends.
So I learnt something valuable today, and I just wanted to take
a minute to share it with you, so here it is.
Sometimes it's not what you do that counts, it's what you don't do.
HORN HONKS
Now, I've talked to you guys before about how I can react
too emotionally to things, and you know what, I very nearly
did the same today.
But then I remembered my Eckhart Tolle.
HORN HONKS
"Suffering is resisting what is."
HORN HONKS MAN: Move!
Now, if you can accept what is,
you can relinquish anxiety and anger.
And just remember, peeps,
you can't fix yourself by breaking someone else.
HORN HONKS SHOUTS: What is your fucking problem?
Can't you just wait for five seconds?
HORN HONKS Oh, you piece of shit.
SHE SCREAMS
Middle-aged wanker!
We can't keep it.
Why? I'm calling the police.
You think those corrupt sons of bitches are not going to keep it for themselves.
It's not our money. We found it, we're entitled to it.
Sorry, are you citing the legal precedent,
"finders, keepers, losers, weepers"?
We don't know who's money it is.
It could be some old-aged pensioners' life savings.
Yes, cos us pensioners always keep our life savings in the ceiling of a derelict building.
No, what if this is from a bank robbery? Then it's insured.
No-one suffers. What if it's drug money? We didn't sell drugs.
No, but it came from ruining lives in my community.
Then use your cut to set up a needle exchange
or a methadone clinic.
Yeah. You're not considering that. Drug addiction is a major disease.
Penis cancer is a major disease.
Drug addiction is a lifestyle choice. Lifestyle choice.
No-one's selling their body for heroin because they saw it on the cover of Grazia.
Listen, even if we could justify keeping this, which we can't, OK,
and even though we patched up the ceiling,
whoever hid it there in the first place,
they're going to come looking for it.
And he's going to have a name like Joey Pliers or Eddie Machete.
OK, so... Thank you.
I'm calling the police. One-third of that enough to keep the lights
on in your factory?
You've got workers depending on you to feed and clothe their kids.
You think they care where their pay packet comes from?
It doesn't justify keeping it. How old are you?
45, when your business goes under, are you getting another job?
Are you going to retrain? LINE TRILLS
No. You're going to be my age, stacking shelves down Tesco.
OVER MOBILE: Hello, emergency services. Which service do you require?
Hello.
Oh, God, OK, I need to think about this.
Me too. Fine, you two brain it around. I'll hide the loot here until...
No. No. Yeah. How do we know that you're not on the next flight
to the Costa del Sol? Because here.
BOTH: Oh.
Shit. Now we're going to have to kill them.
What did you say? Fuck. I'm kidding.
Funny, man.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Yeah.
I'm DS Selforth, this is DS Haines.
We need to ask you a few questions.
About what?
About the masked gunman seen running from this house.
You get one phone call. Who do you want to call?
You don't have someone to call?
No.
Hang on.
All right, mate?
Journo, from the Mail. Sent me down because that, uh,
Lady Gabby Penrose-Howe is in again, apparently.
That so.
Come on, chief. Is she in there or...?
Sorry, mate.
Your pictures, my words. Huh?!
Yeah. Uh-huh. All right.
She's in there.
Also, I heard there was a copper in there who takes bribes.
What's his name again? Bennett? Bennett? Desk Sergeant.
Desk Sergeant Bennett. Yeah, yeah.
What's his rate again?
100 quid for the details. Extra 100 for the access.
Cheers, m'dears.
Hello, I'm Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe's solicitor.
I believe you're holding her. Yeah, that's right.
I want all the charges dropped and I want her taken out the back way so that pap doesn't get her.
No chance, mate.
OVER DICTAPHONE: I heard there was a copper in their who takes bribes. What's his name again?
PAPARAZZO: Bennett. Bennett? Desk Sergeant. Desk Sergeant Bennett.
Yeah, yeah. What's his rate again?
100 quid for the details. Extra 100 for the access. Cheers, m'dears.
No chance?
You won't believe it, mate.
She tunnelled her way out with a cocaine spoon.
She's halfway to Chipping Norton.
You all right?
No.
I'm pathetic and lonely.
Please, no-one's more pathetic and lonely than me.
I live in a flat paid for by my dad, which he never visits.
I live in a flat for divorcees where they make you pay six months
upfront in case you hang yourself.
I depend on likes from people I don't even know for any
kind of self-worth.
My wife walked out cos she said that living with me
was like being trapped down a well.
When I was arrested, the only person I had to call was you.
You win. That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard, and that's...
And I've heard some pathetic things.
What were you in for this time?
Oh, God, I...
I smashed up a man's car by reversing into it.
No way! I did the same to a police car.
What, seriously? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, then we're car vandal buddies. Car vandal buddies, yeah, forever.
Boom. Boom.
You know what makes me feel better if I've had a bad day is junk food.
There's a drive-thru near here... Definitely not. No? OK.
Well, what would cheer you up?
INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
Hey.
Hi.
How'd it go?
Yeah, good.
As you said your sister is a really clever young woman.
What do you think, Es?
I think that you're such an idiot
that to stop me from ruining my future
you got me a tutor who's ruining her future.
Great find, bro!
But she still did a pretty good job so...
..I'd study with her again.
Thanks again. Pleasure.
Think she has a chance of passing?
With a few more sessions, yeah, I think so.
Cool. It's good to know.
Do you want to go for a coffee?
I...
..can't, it's getting late and I...
Oh, no, yeah, sorry, it is late.
Coffee now would be madness.
We'd never get to sleep.
In our separate beds.
Yeah.
All right, well, I'll see you at CS.
Yeah. Yeah?
By the way, I like your necklace.
Thanks. I stole it from Pandora.
LOUD CHATTER
That's for being a liar and wasting everybody's time.
Mum's right.
You are lying, two-faced snake.
IN DEEP VOICE: Pizza delivery.
Who ordered pizza?
IN NORMAL VOICE: Hi, friends.
GASPS AND EXCITED CHATTER
Who wants free pizza?
It's not strictly free, I did pay for it.
Tommy, hi, handsome.
Oh, long time, no see.
Darling, I am so sorry, I'm late. What have I missed?
Not much. Can I introduce you to some people?
Oh, naturellement.
This is Beth and Cassidy.
It's a pleasure to meet you, ladies.
Hi.
Do you mind if they take a picture with you?
Abso-bloody-lutely. Come on.
Here, let's give that to someone else. You.
Now, tell me,
does this party have a hashtag yet?
Anyone want a pizza?
Cost me a bloody fortune.
Get involved, mate.
She's just getting home. I'm going to call her.
MOBILE RINGS
Hello? Hi. We're on our way home. Are you back yet?
Aren't you checking on the app? No, of course not.
Well, I'm home.
I'm just walking to the door now.
Hey, what did you study at the library?
Unit vectors, again.
I bet that was more interesting than spending an evening with Yamini.
Her story about doing the half marathon in under three hours
someone took over four hours. RANI GROANS
She's just jealous that you are going to Oxford
and her daughter dropped out of catering college.
She flunked custard. Classic Yamini.
I know! Listen, we'll be home in about five minutes.
OK? We'll see you soon. OK.
Love you. Bye. Bye.
WATER RUSHES
CAT MEOWS
Hey, do you want to go outside?
Yes, you do.
MUFFLED SCREAMS
She is the one who is not happy with plastic fittings.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Never fly... Because she doesn't want to pay for the better ones.
I said, look... Yes! Exactly, right,
Do not struggle. Shut the fuck up.
Now I'm going to take my hand away.
If you scream, I'll slit your throat and anyone who walks in that door.
Got it?
Do you recognise this van?
Do you recognise the van?
SHOUTS: How many fucking times do I have to say it? Do you recognise the van?
It's my dad's. It's my dad's van.
Well, the driver of this van helped someone steal from us.
Was it your dad? No.
So why was your dad's van in Lawrence Hill on Sunday night?
Are you deaf?! I...I...
It was...it was stolen about a week ago.
It was stolen by who? I don't know.
Who was the van stolen by? We reported it to the police
and they haven't got back to us. We don't know.
We don't know who stole it. Are you lying to me? Are you lying? I'm not lying.
Cos you know if you are lying, I'll kill you and your whole family.
WHISPERS: And I will bury you myself.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Hiya. Have a goodnight? Yes.
Have you eaten? I brought you some leftovers.
I don't have much of appetite, but thank you.
Oh. Oh. OK. OK, suit yourself.
Coffee, please.
Oi!
He wants to talk to you.
Hello.
OVER MOBILE: I get this all the time with ambitious people.
They forget who they were before I came into their lives.
Do you remember who you were?
A fucking nobody.
A scared little child. You wanted respect. I gave you status.
You needed money, I taught you a trade.
And now this is a loyalty I get.
What, chill out. What happened?
My West Country line gets jacked.
thief knows exactly where to find it,
and you're saying you didn't take it or the bag?
What bag?
The bag on its way from your inbred part of the world
with six months of my fucking earnings.
What?
"'Good morning, Pinocchio,' said, the fox, greeting him courteously.
"'How do you know my name,' asked the marionette?
"'I know your father well.
"I saw him yesterday, standing in the door of his house.'
"'And what was he doing?'
"He was in his shirtsleeves, trembling with cold.'
"But after today, God willing, he will suffer no longer.
'Because I have become a rich man.'
"'And may I ask,' inquired the fox,
"'what you are going to do with all that money?'"
Guaranteed peace of mind is what you promised me,
well, I don't feel too fucking peaceful.
I tax you less and you stop shit like this from happening.
That was our deal.
So I suggest you find my money
and whoever took it, because now I have to kill either them
or you just to make a fucking point.
You have no moral compass.
Right, and immediately just chundered all down himself.
Disgraceful.
LAUGHTER What?
INDISTINCT CONVERSATION