.
[machines whirring]
- Keep shredding
the nice lists!
No one's getting presents
this year!
Get back to work,
or I'll feed you to Jack Frost!
[pounding at door]
[voices shouting]
- Hide!
[person screams]
[wood splintering]
[metallic clanging]
[tense music]
*
[hopeful music]
- You're safe now.
You can come out.
- Who are you?
- I'm Big Tim.
That's right.
Tiny Tim is all grown up.
And I need you
to help me save Christmas.
Those men out there?
They work for Ibiza Scrooge.
[all gasp]
- Ebenezer's granddaughter?
- The very one.
She captured Mrs. Claus,
stole Santa's sleigh,
and she's taken
New Orleans hostage.
The Ghost of Christmas Future
has shown me what's to come.
And if Ibiza Scrooge succeeds
at blowing up Bourbon Street,
Christmas is over forever.
Now, I don't know
about you guys,
but I don't want to live
in a world without Christmas.
- Let's go save Christmas.
[music fades out]
- And cut.
[bell rings]
- Good job.
- Dwayne, can we, uh...
- Yeah, I'd love to.
What's going on with her?
- I don't know.
That last line, there's just--
- Flat.
- Completely flat.
- Yeah, nothing.
- I mean, it doesn't seem like
she is remotely moved at all
by my big speech.
- You wanna replace her?
- With who? Kevin Hart?
I mean, we can't.
She's eight years old.
- Would Kevin do this?
- No, I don't think
we can replace her.
I mean, she's an Oscar nominee
for God's sake.
This is the biggest scene
in the movie.
Now, if I can't convince her
that Christmas is worth saving,
then how am I gonna convince
the audience?
- There's no movie.
- Hey, Leslie.
- Hey.
- Is everything okay?
You just--you seem a little...
- I'm fine.
Just annoyed we're on
take nine of this scene.
I mean, you and I, we've been
around for a long time.
Between us,
we're working way too hard
for a dumb Christmas movie.
- Well, "A Christmas Peril"
isn't a dumb Christmas movie.
- I know it's based on
a Dickens classic or whatever,
but a bunch of ghosts
coming to teach you about
Christmas spirit?
It's absurd.
- I know it sounds absurd,
but it's not.
I know because
it actually happened to me.
It was Christmas 1982,
and I was about your age.
I was living
with my family in Hawaii,
and it was going to be
the best Christmas ever.
- Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christm--
[upbeat music]
- Santa Claus is down.
You know what that means.
Mrs. Claus is up for grabs.
- My mom and I were
at a holiday match
that my grandma was promoting,
and she got all the best guys
to participate.
Slay them, Santa Dad!
- My dad, the Soulman,
Rocky Johnson,
the Iron Sheik,
André the Giant,
"Macho Man" Randy Savage,
and the Wild Samoans.
- Sika has the mistletoe!
If he gets it to Mrs. Claus
and kisses her underneath it,
he wins the lady and the match.
He's been notoriously lonely
since his ex-girlfriend
stabbed him.
Oh, my God!
- * Ain't no trade
* Santa's got
a brand-new bag *
*
[cheers and applause]
- She doesn't need a Santa.
She's a career woman
who can make it on her own.
It's 1982, folks.
It's a woman's world.
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Here you are,
my famous keke pua'a.
all:
Ooh!
- Finally.
Been waiting
all year for these.
- [laughs]
You're too slow, Rocky.
- Get in line, sucker.
[laughs]
Nah, Merry Christmas, man.
Thanks for having us.
- Randy, you never told me
your girlfriend
could kick like that.
- Ooh, Elizabeth is great.
Yeah, she really
gets into character.
- I do.
In my mind, Santa cheated on me
with an elf,
and I finally had it.
- I cannot wait to open
my present tomorrow morning.
I already know what it is.
I only asked for
one thing this year.
- A boat?
- Better. A Cabbage Patch Kid.
- [scoffs]
Where are the ribbons?
Where is the tissue paper?
Whoever wrapped this
hates children.
- My mom. She tries.
- Hey, put that back.
It's not Christmas morning yet.
- [whispering]
See you tomorrow.
- André, why are you
still dressed as Merlin?
- Mean Gene, I'm Père Noel.
- Who's Père Noel?
- He's the Father Christmas
in France.
- So like green Santa?
- Green Santa?
[laughing]
No.
He brings Christmas magic
to whoever need it most.
[laughs]
- Okay.
- I went to three
different stores
looking for Dewey's present.
- There's that many stores now?
- Everywhere was sold out.
But I finally found it.
- I'm going to bed.
- It's only 08:30.
- Are you even tired?
- No, not really.
Hey, Sheik,
can you choke me out?
- Yes, baba.
- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- What? What did I do?
- It's fine.
I'll just drink Nyquil.
- Don't drink Nyquil.
- No sleep-enhancing drugs!
[banging, rustling]
[suspenseful music]
*
- Santa?
- No, dude. I'm you.
From the future.
- Wow. Me at 40.
- I'm 15.
- Fantastic.
- I've come to warn you.
.
- You really expect me
to believe that the ghost
of your 15-year-old self
came to visit your ten-year-old
self on Christmas Eve?
- Hey, look, I'm just telling
you what happened, all right?
But if you don't wanna hear,
let's get back to work.
Come on.
- No, no, no.
I didn't say that.
Just voicing some questions.
Continue.
- All right,
so me and my ghost self,
we were hanging out
in my grandma's kitchen.
- You can eat?
- Yeah, but I don't go
to the bathroom.
- Whoa.
Wait, how can tomorrow
be the worst day of my life?
It's Christmas, and I'm getting
a Cabbage Patch Kid.
- Check the present.
[suspenseful music]
*
- What is this? Radish Baby?
- A knock-off
Cabbage Patch Kid.
Someone told Mom
it was even more popular
than the regular ones.
- No.
This is the worst present ever.
- That's exactly what
you'll say tomorrow morning
when you open it.
- Why have you shown me this,
spirit?
- Well, I figured
maybe at least
you could salvage
some of this Christmas.
Because from this year forward,
our Christmases only get worse.
- Worse than this?
There is 1,000%
a soul trapped in here.
- If you don't believe me,
I can show you.
But I'm warning you, it's bad.
*
[indistinct chatter]
[festive music playing]
- Where are we?
- Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
1987.
This is our worst
Christmas ever.
- Mom?
- She can't hear you.
No one can.
Money was tight,
so we all got jobs at the mall
to make extra cash
for the holidays.
Mom's job was wrapping gifts.
- Here you are, sir.
Merry Christmas.
- It looks like it
was stomped on.
- With joy?
Reindeer hoofs of joy?
- And our job was that.
- Ho, ho!
And what do you want
for Christmas?
- I want a Nintendo.
- A Nintendo, huh?
Well, hopefully,
you're on the nice list.
What do you say, elf?
Is Marty on the nice list?
- As if this wasn't
humiliating enough,
Dad decided to start a war
with the cheese guy.
- This is premium cheese,
rolled in nuts,
shaped into a ball.
Behold the holiday cheeseball.
[crowd gasps]
- How is he drawing
a bigger crowd than me?
Santa's the main event.
That joker's the undercard.
We gotta get eyes back on us.
- I'm actually fine with eyes
not being on us.
I don't want anyone from school
to see me like this.
- Well, then you should have
put yourself up for adoption
'cause you got a daddy
that likes to be seen.
Ho, ho, ho!
[laughs]
Feast your eyes on Hunky Santa.
Now, don't tell Mrs. Claus.
[laughs]
Drink your milk, children.
Let's see the cheese man
do this!
Oh, you mad, cheese guy?
Yeah, you mad. Bladow!
[cheers and applause]
- Honestly, I still don't think
this Christmas
is worse than Radish Baby.
- You haven't seen
the worst part.
- Hey, elf, why the long face?
Where is your Christmas spirit?
Be the heel. They'll love it.
Oh, no.
You must be one of those bad
elves from the naughty list.
[crowd oohs]
Yeah.
And if you are, you have to do
the naughty dance.
[crowd oohs]
- What's the naughty dance?
- Just make something up.
[crowd chanting
"naughty dance"]
[crowd cheers]
[laughter]
- Ho, ho, ho. There it is.
- Okay.
So we never learned to dance.
- Shake that booty!
Thunderclaps!
It's raining candy.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
- Oh, my God, Karen.
- Hey, Dwayne.
- Who are they?
- My ex-girlfriend
and her new boyfriend.
- She was our girlfriend
and you messed it up?
You crazy?
- Hey, uh, that was just, like,
a skit me and my dad
were doing.
- Oh, yeah.
It was really funny.
- Yeah, maybe you can do
another elf dance for us.
- Kevin, let's get back
to shopping.
- Yeah, Kevin,
you should get back
to Fashion Bug.
- My aunt works there,
and they actually have
good belts for men.
- Ugh, over this. Outta here.
- Karen, come back.
- Shut up and get me
a candy cane, elf.
- You want a candy cane?
Careful, they're bad
for your teeth.
- [yells]
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Oh, no!
[crowd screams]
- You hit him
with a candy cane just like--
- Just like my character does
to Ibiza Scrooge
in the climactic battle
at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome.
You write what you know.
- So that fight gets us fired.
That and some literal nuns
complained about Hunky Santa.
But even worse,
the manager docks our pay
because he has to replace the
Santa costume and the house.
- So we don't even
make any money?
- Nope. I told you.
It's the worst Christmas ever.
- I don't know about that.
- Who is he?
- I don't know.
both:
Wow. Us at 40.
- Actually, we're 21.
Welcome to 1993 Miami,
little me's.
- Of course, Christmas ghosts
always come in threes.
Were you scared?
- Not at first.
- Look at how jacked I am.
How much can we lift?
What about the treadmill?
Can we lift the treadmill?
- I didn't bring you here
to watch me lift,
though, yeah, sure, I could
probably lift the treadmill.
I brought you here because
y'all don't know a thing
about bad Christmases.
Okay, this is the worst one.
[suspenseful music]
*
- Who are you calling?
- Mom and Dad.
- Watch, Iron Sheik is about
to take out
the unsanctioned mistletoe.
- I know, Lia. I was there.
- I can't believe we're not
gonna spend Christmas together.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm bummed, too, Mom.
But everyone stuck around
to train for the Fiesta Bowl.
- Why'd you lie to Mom?
- It was easier than saying,
"I don't wanna spend Christmas
"in a cramped apartment
listening to Dad and Grandma
have one of their
boozy arguments."
- It's smart to own a gun.
What if you need
to protect yourself?
- Anyone can pull a trigger.
But who needs guns
when you got these?
Fist, snap, pick your poison.
- Hey, babe.
What's Dewey's opinion on guns?
- I should get back
to practice, Mom.
- Are you sure you don't
want us to come over after?
It's just a quick
four-hour drive.
- Thanks, but I'll be
with the team.
I figured I might as well skip
the whole thing.
I mean, what's the point
in doing it
if you know
it's just gonna disappoint?
- Amen, brother.
- Don't try and be cool
in front of
the coolest version of us, man.
- So we're just gonna spend
Christmas all alone?
- I wish.
- Dewey?
What are you doing here, man?
It's Christmas Eve.
- Coach O, yeah, I figured
I'd just stick around.
- Is your family
gonna come see you?
- Oh, they can't.
They're, um,
they're on a cruise.
- So what are you
doing tonight?
- I don't know.
Get some Subway.
Watch "Wayne's World 2."
- No, you're coming
to my house.
- No, Coach,
you don't have to do that.
- Hey, I've seen "Home Alone,"
and I ain't gonna let you spend
Christmas by yourself.
Too risky. Let's go.
Dwayne, this is my mother,
Coco Orgeron.
And, Mama, this is Dwayne.
He was gonna spend Christmas
by himself.
- Aww, pauve ti bete.
[speaking Cajun]
- I love the way she speaks.
What language is that?
- Cajun-English.
- Can't wait to try it.
- Well, you're gonna have to.
That ain't gonna be ready
for at least a couple hours.
Gotta simmer.
- Simmer.
- Hey, you like music?
[festive a cappella music
playing]
Can you believe it? A cappella.
All 33 tracks, no instruments,
just mouths.
That's a mouth.
That's a mouth. That's a mouth.
- Honestly, strong me,
I'm a little offended
you think this even compares
to Radish Baby.
- Yeah, this is not that bad.
- Oh, yeah?
Let me fast-forward
three hours from now.
- Now this is drums.
I'm just kidding!
It's a mouth still!
[laughs]
- I'm gonna go check
on the gumbo.
- There you go.
[laughs]
Another mouth.
- Hey, Mrs. O.
You need any help?
- Oh, me. Ain't you sweet, sha?
I do gotta visit the cabin.
Y'all stir for me, sha.
Stir, stir.
- Oh, yeah, now I see why
it's the worst Christmas ever.
You had to stir soup.
- I didn't just stir it.
- No.
- I was starving.
I was just trying
to speed up the process.
- Even I know
that's a bad idea!
- What you doing?
- Uh...
- You put salt in my gumbo?
Messing around with my salt.
- Is she okay? Is she dead?
- You never touch
a woman's gumbo, son!
Never!
- I'm sorry.
But it needed salt.
- It didn't. Just drive.
- Does she die?
- No, she's fine.
The doctors called it
a stress faint.
But we spent the rest
of the night in the hospital.
That's why this is
the worst Christmas ever.
Honestly, ever since
Radish Baby,
Christmas has always
found a way to let us down.
- We just have terrible
Christmases
for the rest of our lives?
- Looks like it.
[gentle music]
Is it snowing? In Miami?
- But not everywhere?
[choir vocalizing]
*
- [laughs]
Hey, Deweys!
- André?
- What was in that gumbo?
- André? Is that really you?
- I am not André.
I'm the Père Noel.
- He brings Christmas magic
to...
- Whoever needs it most.
- Yes, he does.
- Why have you come,
Père Noel?
Are you here to change
our terrible Christmases?
- The only thing I'm here
to change is your perspectives.
Huh?
You Deweys are looking
at Christmas all wrong.
Let me show you.
And what do you see here,
Big Dewey?
- Three starving people
in a hospital eating Jell-O.
- I see people making
the best of a bad situation.
- Ooh, almost midnight.
- And the man who made sure
no one spent Christmas alone.
- I'm sorry I ruined
your Christmas.
- Would've ruined it more
if I knew
you were on your own, Dewey.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
[all chuckle]
- And you, Medium Dewey.
What do you see here?
- Two people who just got fired
and are about
to go home
and not exchange gifts
because
they couldn't afford any.
Good luck putting
a silver lining on that one.
- You are right, Medium Dewey.
This Christmas
was not so great.
But it was not all bad.
- Hey, ready to go?
- I have a surprise.
- A holiday cheeseball.
- Someone asked me to wrap one
and then forgot to pick it up.
Come on, dig in.
- You do not have much,
but you have
two parents who love you.
And that's not nothing.
- Ooh, it's my turn.
What do I get to see?
- I do not know, Tiny Dewey.
Deweys:
Easy with the tiny.
- This Christmas
has not happened yet.
You are where it all begins.
You can choose to keep things
as they are
or change the course of your
Christmas futures forever.
- It's all up to you now,
buddy.
- We believe in you.
- Now it's time for you
to get back to bed.
It's almost Christmas morning.
[gentle festive music]
*
- What day is it?
You there, what day is it?
- Couldn't say, little man.
- Merry Christmas, baby.
Do you wanna open your present?
- Open it up, son.
- A Radish Baby.
I love it!
- Oh, I'm so glad.
It was sold out everywhere.
But luckily your dad knew a guy
who knew a guy--
- Thank you guys so much
for looking so hard
for my Christmas present.
I'm really lucky.
- Merry Christmas.
Rocky, I know
you didn't get any last night.
- Thanks, Lia.
- Aw, wow.
- Hey, get back.
Get outta here.
- Rocky, it's Christmas.
- Thanks for teaching me
the meaning of Christmas
via time travel.
- Is it Christmas?
- Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
all:
Merry Christmas.
- Père Noel taught me
that Christmas
is what we make of it.
And the most important thing
about our movie isn't whether
or not it makes sense that
Big Tim needs Santa's sleigh
to stop Ibiza Scrooge
from blowing up New Orleans.
The most important thing
about our movie
is that families
will go see it together.
- You're right.
It reminds me
of when I was a kid,
and my family would go
to the movies on Christmas.
And after, we'd drive
home and criticize
all our neighbors' decorations.
- [laughs]
- It was really nice.
- You see, now that's what
Christmas is all about.
Those shared memories that
people will take with them
for the rest of their lives.
Because love it or hate it,
this time of the year
is really special.
Now, I don't know about you,
but I don't wanna live
in a world without Christmas.
- Let's go save Christmas!
- Merry Christmas, everyone.
Hey, Rudolph.
- [grunts]
- Light the way
to Bourbon Street.
- [grunts]
- And cut. That's great.
Fantastic work, people.
- Leslie, that was amazing.
Great job.
- Thanks to you.
You're a regular Père Noel.
- I prefer Dwanta Claus.
[laughter]
- Look at how jacked we are.
- So that's us at 40.
- Why would we ever wear
a shirt?