1
00:00:10,470 --> 00:00:12,096
[dark ominous music]

2
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:15,266
[strange bubbling]

3
00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:24,192
* *

4
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:25,902
- [speaking Spanish]

5
00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:27,653
[coughs]

6
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:35,995
[coughs]

7
00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:37,955
- That's the point.

8
00:00:37,997 --> 00:00:38,998
- [camera clicks]

9
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,667
- [choking]

10
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:46,756
- One square mile,
three minutes.

11
00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:48,633
Everything is dead.

12
00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:51,010
Brimstone is fully functional.

13
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,304
* *

14
00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:54,639
- Burn it.

15
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,391
- [chuckles]

16
00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:59,977
* *

17
00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:03,189
[cows mooing]

18
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:08,694
[dramatic music]

19
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:15,660
* *

20
00:01:28,047 --> 00:01:33,010
- * MacGruber *

21
00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:34,887
[fire crackling]

22
00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:41,686
- Well, someone was
in a rush this morning.

23
00:01:41,728 --> 00:01:43,688
You didn't even neatly
make your side of the bed

24
00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:45,690
while I was still sleeping
like you usually do.

25
00:01:45,732 --> 00:01:46,691
- Big day.

26
00:01:46,733 --> 00:01:48,317
I'm probably gonna
be home late.

27
00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:50,278
- Oh, but it's Christmas Eve.

28
00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:51,863
- Oh, believe me,
I would much rather

29
00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:54,198
spend the day tracking down
one of your famous

30
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,534
homemade cinnamon rolls.

31
00:01:56,576 --> 00:01:57,869
- Listen, I'm really sorry
about everything

32
00:01:57,910 --> 00:01:59,412
that I've put you through
the last few days.

33
00:01:59,454 --> 00:02:00,705
I promise
I'll make it up to you.

34
00:02:00,747 --> 00:02:02,582
- I'm just so happy
to have you home, honey.

35
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,458
- Oh.

36
00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:06,586
I have something for you.

37
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:10,298
- Oh, wow.

38
00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,341
This is great.

39
00:02:12,383 --> 00:02:14,594
Did you make this?

40
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,263
- No, I don't know how to do
advanced metalwork.

41
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:20,475
If I had that kind of skill,
I think you would know that.

42
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:22,060
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

43
00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:25,897
- Besides, it's not from me.
It's actually from MacGruber.

44
00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,565
- MacGruber?
- He came by last night.

45
00:02:27,607 --> 00:02:29,442
Only for a little bit,
but I swear,

46
00:02:29,484 --> 00:02:30,485
it's not a big deal.
He was just--

47
00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:31,944
- I understand.

48
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,071
Mm-hmm.

49
00:02:33,112 --> 00:02:34,197
- Oh.

50
00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:35,656
Okay.

51
00:02:35,698 --> 00:02:38,910
I got the feeling he was...
saying goodbye.

52
00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,203
- Mm.

53
00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:42,622
- Anyway, he said that was
his good luck charm,

54
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:43,998
and he really wanted you
to have it.

55
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,625
And there's actually
a story attached to it

56
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:46,709
that I would like
to share with you now.

57
00:02:46,751 --> 00:02:48,002
- Uh-huh.

58
00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:49,587
- After the first night
that we made love--

59
00:02:49,629 --> 00:02:52,757
- Hon, I just--
I should really get going.

60
00:02:52,799 --> 00:02:54,467
- Okay, well, I'll tell you
the story next time.

61
00:02:54,509 --> 00:02:55,968
- Okay.
- Here, let me put it on you.

62
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:58,054
- Okay.

63
00:02:58,096 --> 00:03:00,556
- Just FYI, there's something
of mine inside.

64
00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:02,266
- Oh.
- Just don't open it

65
00:03:02,308 --> 00:03:04,435
over a cup of coffee.
- Mm.

66
00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,729
- Sorry, his neck sweat

67
00:03:06,771 --> 00:03:08,815
probably rusted the clasp
a little bit...

68
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,942
oh, got it.

69
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,276
- All right, thanks.

70
00:03:12,318 --> 00:03:14,320
- Hey.
- Yeah?

71
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,446
- Is everything okay?

72
00:03:15,488 --> 00:03:16,823
- It's just
this Queeth business.

73
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,534
It's just taken over my mind
and...

74
00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:21,619
Look, I've just gotta
get through today

75
00:03:21,661 --> 00:03:23,579
and everything should be
different.

76
00:03:23,621 --> 00:03:24,872
I mean, better.

77
00:03:24,914 --> 00:03:28,126
- All right, well,
good luck, honey.

78
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,712
- Thank you, Victoria.

79
00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:36,050
Say...

80
00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:37,593
after this is all over,
what do you say we fly

81
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:39,387
down to Aruba, get out of here?

82
00:03:39,429 --> 00:03:40,638
Second honeymoon.

83
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,474
Wipe the slate clean.
Start fresh.

84
00:03:43,516 --> 00:03:45,017
- Yeah, I'd really like that.

85
00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:46,728
- Me too.

86
00:03:46,769 --> 00:03:47,729
- Me too.

87
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:52,483
- Love you so goddamn much.

88
00:03:52,525 --> 00:03:54,193
[door slams]
- Oh, honey, you left your...

89
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:57,155
[foreboding music]

90
00:03:57,196 --> 00:03:59,157
* *

91
00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:00,783
- How did the test go, sir?

92
00:04:00,825 --> 00:04:04,078
- Well, it depends who you ask.

93
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,165
The cows were not a fan.

94
00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:09,500
- Merry Christmas to all...

95
00:04:09,542 --> 00:04:12,170
and to all a good...

96
00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:14,005
fuck!

97
00:04:14,047 --> 00:04:15,840
Oh, don't worry, Queeth.

98
00:04:15,882 --> 00:04:19,761
You'll get yours soon enough,
I promise you that.

99
00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:22,972
For my mother, for my father,

100
00:04:23,014 --> 00:04:25,016
for justice and honor,

101
00:04:25,058 --> 00:04:26,809
for the millions of p--

102
00:04:26,851 --> 00:04:28,186
[engine roaring growing closer]

103
00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:30,354
Oh, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck! Ah!

104
00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:33,483
[suspenseful music]

105
00:04:33,524 --> 00:04:40,531
* *

106
00:04:40,573 --> 00:04:43,034
- I got something here.

107
00:04:43,076 --> 00:04:45,661
- Oh, these blankets
are so comfortable.

108
00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,371
Wait, is somebody there?
Is somebody there?

109
00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:49,123
Look, I mean no harm.

110
00:04:49,165 --> 00:04:51,542
Please, I have money.
Don't hurt me.

111
00:04:51,584 --> 00:04:53,628
Don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me,

112
00:04:53,669 --> 00:04:55,755
you fucking piece of shit.

113
00:04:55,797 --> 00:04:58,216
Ah!

114
00:04:58,257 --> 00:04:59,884
Got your nose.

115
00:04:59,926 --> 00:05:00,802
- What the fuck?

116
00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:02,095
- Hey, got a joke for you.

117
00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:04,722
What did the hunting knife
say to your head?

118
00:05:04,764 --> 00:05:06,557
[grunts]

119
00:05:06,599 --> 00:05:07,600
Just passing through.

120
00:05:07,642 --> 00:05:10,561
[upbeat music]

121
00:05:10,603 --> 00:05:13,731
* *

122
00:05:13,773 --> 00:05:17,068
Now he has
an all-terrain vehicle.

123
00:05:17,110 --> 00:05:18,486
- Got another ping
from Southern Command.

124
00:05:18,528 --> 00:05:20,071
They're requesting access
to Delta files.

125
00:05:20,113 --> 00:05:21,239
- Approved.

126
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,825
- Sir, you have a phone call.
It's them.

127
00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:27,120
- Get me a secure line, Major.
- Yes, sir.

128
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,454
[phone ringing]

129
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,791
[suspenseful music]

130
00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,584
- Enos Queeth, I presume?

131
00:05:33,626 --> 00:05:34,919
[eerily distorted]
- Oh, no, General.

132
00:05:34,961 --> 00:05:37,296
This is the ghost
of Christmas future.

133
00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:40,758
And the future is looking
very bright indeed.

134
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,969
- Oh, yeah, why is that?

135
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:47,098
- Because you are about
to pay me 50 billion dollars.

136
00:05:47,140 --> 00:05:48,725
- [whispers] 50 billion?

137
00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,017
- What are you planning?

138
00:05:50,059 --> 00:05:51,769
- Let's just say
that tomorrow morning

139
00:05:51,811 --> 00:05:53,938
Santa and his reindeer
are going to deliver

140
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:56,607
the biggest present
the world has ever seen.

141
00:05:56,649 --> 00:05:58,192
And if we don't get
that money,

142
00:05:58,234 --> 00:05:59,861
that will just be
the beginning.

143
00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:02,405
- You know damn well
the United States government

144
00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:04,907
does not negotiate
with terrorists.

145
00:06:04,949 --> 00:06:06,617
- We'll see if you still
feel that way

146
00:06:06,659 --> 00:06:08,619
after tomorrow morning.

147
00:06:08,661 --> 00:06:10,371
- Damn it, Queeth,
you listen to me!

148
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,748
- Bye.
[dial tone]

149
00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:15,001
[unsettling music]

150
00:06:15,043 --> 00:06:17,253
* *

151
00:06:17,295 --> 00:06:20,965
- Santa's starting to
get on my goddamn nerves.

152
00:06:23,051 --> 00:06:27,722
- Well, well, well, Queeth's
got himself quite the army.

153
00:06:27,764 --> 00:06:29,849
So we got two options.

154
00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:35,188
Option A, we pack up our shit
and throw in the towel.

155
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:41,277
Option B, we go down there
and kill everything in sight.

156
00:06:41,319 --> 00:06:42,487
What do you say, bud?

157
00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:45,740
[suspenseful music]

158
00:06:45,782 --> 00:06:48,159
Looks like the nose have it.

159
00:06:48,201 --> 00:06:50,953
* *

160
00:06:50,995 --> 00:06:53,289
Time to go make some widows.

161
00:06:58,294 --> 00:07:01,214
[suspenseful music]

162
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:08,179
* *

163
00:07:16,813 --> 00:07:20,149
- Smells like Queeth in here.

164
00:07:20,191 --> 00:07:22,735
All right.

165
00:07:22,777 --> 00:07:25,405
Time to hand out
the party favors.

166
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:28,408
[device beeping]

167
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:30,701
* *

168
00:07:30,743 --> 00:07:33,663
[eerie music]

169
00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:36,916
* *

170
00:07:36,958 --> 00:07:39,502
Things that make you go boom.

171
00:07:39,544 --> 00:07:41,254
[device beeping]

172
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:44,215
[suspenseful music]

173
00:07:44,257 --> 00:07:47,510
* *

174
00:07:47,552 --> 00:07:51,139
Hope you weren't planning on
not exploding tonight.

175
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:57,770
* *

176
00:07:57,812 --> 00:08:01,441
You can dish it out,
but can you take it?

177
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:05,194
* *

178
00:08:17,415 --> 00:08:20,251
- Ready to be part of
throat rip history?

179
00:08:20,293 --> 00:08:24,464
* *

180
00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:26,883
- [chuckles]

181
00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:29,135
The ol' reverse throat rip,

182
00:08:29,177 --> 00:08:31,637
the holy grail of throat rips.

183
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,015
And they said
it couldn't be done.

184
00:08:34,057 --> 00:08:39,062
But we did it, didn't we,
you dead piece of fucking shit?

185
00:08:39,103 --> 00:08:41,522
[door squeaks]
Ah.

186
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:45,651
Looks like our little
barbecue's about to begin.

187
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,653
Hope you like
your meat well-done.

188
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:51,407
* *

189
00:08:51,449 --> 00:08:54,410
[dramatic music]

190
00:08:54,452 --> 00:09:00,374
* *

191
00:09:00,416 --> 00:09:01,834
- Tonight, it begins!
[rapid gunfire]

192
00:09:01,876 --> 00:09:04,295
[cheering]

193
00:09:04,337 --> 00:09:07,632
- Tonight, it ends.

194
00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:10,760
- 20 years ago,
we were exiled.

195
00:09:10,802 --> 00:09:14,347
Spit out, left for dead.

196
00:09:14,389 --> 00:09:15,848
We are the forgotten.

197
00:09:15,890 --> 00:09:18,518
The discarded.

198
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,853
We're ghosts.

199
00:09:20,895 --> 00:09:23,064
Tomorrow,
the children of the world

200
00:09:23,106 --> 00:09:26,442
will receive
a very special present.

201
00:09:26,484 --> 00:09:28,569
Not a sweater.

202
00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:30,822
Not a Beanie Baby.

203
00:09:30,863 --> 00:09:33,032
Not a shiny new trike.

204
00:09:33,074 --> 00:09:37,578
No, this present is something
far more interesting.

205
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,414
This present...

206
00:09:39,455 --> 00:09:40,915
it melts faces.

207
00:09:40,957 --> 00:09:44,377
It makes your eyes
pour out of your sockets

208
00:09:44,419 --> 00:09:45,878
like water.

209
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,881
It closes throats,
it voids bowels.

210
00:09:48,923 --> 00:09:51,884
Kills by the millions.

211
00:09:51,926 --> 00:09:55,012
And it all could've been
avoided.

212
00:09:55,054 --> 00:10:00,435
The United States does not
negotiate with patriots.

213
00:10:00,476 --> 00:10:01,769
Well, fuck them.

214
00:10:01,811 --> 00:10:03,521
[cheering]

215
00:10:03,563 --> 00:10:05,231
They may have forgotten

216
00:10:05,273 --> 00:10:08,359
the hell that they
put us through.

217
00:10:08,401 --> 00:10:10,611
But tomorrow,

218
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:14,782
they will remember our names.

219
00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:17,034
To vengeance!
[cheering]

220
00:10:17,076 --> 00:10:18,995
- To vengeance.

221
00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:23,458
* *

222
00:10:23,499 --> 00:10:25,501
[rapid gunfire]

223
00:10:25,543 --> 00:10:27,253
[cheering]

224
00:10:27,295 --> 00:10:28,838
- Sir,
there's a bogey approaching.

225
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,466
[engine grows louder]
- MacGruber.

226
00:10:31,507 --> 00:10:33,301
[alarm blaring]

227
00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:36,763
[gunfire]

228
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,223
* *

229
00:10:39,265 --> 00:10:40,767
Take him out.
- Fire!

230
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:46,022
[gunfire]

231
00:10:46,064 --> 00:10:48,024
Hold your fire!

232
00:10:48,066 --> 00:10:52,111
* *

233
00:10:56,866 --> 00:10:59,452
[suspenseful music]

234
00:10:59,494 --> 00:11:06,417
* *

235
00:11:08,336 --> 00:11:09,754
[device beeping]

236
00:11:09,796 --> 00:11:11,047
- Get back!

237
00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:19,514
[device beeping]

238
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,892
- [screams]

239
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:24,352
- Find him!

240
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:25,478
[device beeping]

241
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,523
* *

242
00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:29,857
- [screams]

243
00:11:29,899 --> 00:11:30,983
- God!

244
00:11:31,025 --> 00:11:33,861
[device beeping]

245
00:11:37,407 --> 00:11:39,659
- [screams]

246
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,662
- Damn it, fall back!

247
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:45,498
[indistinct yelling]

248
00:11:45,540 --> 00:11:48,459
[dramatic opera singing]

249
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:55,425
* *

250
00:12:05,268 --> 00:12:08,187
[suspenseful music]

251
00:12:08,229 --> 00:12:11,983
- Fuck you, Queeth!
Come and fucking get it.

252
00:12:12,024 --> 00:12:14,527
* *

253
00:12:14,569 --> 00:12:17,155
- Look likes we got
a little rodent problem.

254
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,583
Where are you, MacGruber?

255
00:12:28,624 --> 00:12:30,001
We know you're in here.

256
00:12:30,043 --> 00:12:35,131
* *

257
00:12:35,173 --> 00:12:37,884
- There's no escape, MacGruber!

258
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:40,219
Gonna find you.

259
00:12:40,261 --> 00:12:42,472
- Where the fuck are you,
MacGruber?

260
00:12:42,513 --> 00:12:45,141
- Dick shot!
[rapid gunfire]

261
00:12:45,183 --> 00:12:47,143
[both groaning]

262
00:12:47,185 --> 00:12:49,979
- Oh, my fucking dick!

263
00:12:50,021 --> 00:12:51,856
You shot me in the dick.
- [groaning]

264
00:12:51,898 --> 00:12:54,275
- Don't worry, guys,
I got this.

265
00:12:58,071 --> 00:12:59,947
I know where you're hiding now,
MacGruber.

266
00:13:03,117 --> 00:13:04,535
- No, you don't.

267
00:13:04,577 --> 00:13:06,829
- You know the best thing
about this weapon?

268
00:13:06,871 --> 00:13:10,416
It fires
armor-piercing bullets.

269
00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:13,086
- Well, Queeth, as long as
we're doing riddles,

270
00:13:13,127 --> 00:13:14,670
I got one for you.

271
00:13:14,712 --> 00:13:16,881
You know the best part
about seeing your mother

272
00:13:16,923 --> 00:13:18,591
get killed in front
of your eyes?

273
00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:19,842
- What's that?

274
00:13:19,884 --> 00:13:21,928
[gun cocks]
- Nothing.

275
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,888
Drop your fucking piece.
- Okay, okay.

276
00:13:23,930 --> 00:13:25,264
[gun clatters]
All right, just please--

277
00:13:25,306 --> 00:13:27,225
please don't,
just don't--don't shoot me.

278
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:28,893
Okay? Just please
just don't shoot me.

279
00:13:28,935 --> 00:13:30,103
I'm beg--I'm...

280
00:13:30,144 --> 00:13:31,938
I'm--I'm--I'm begging you.

281
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,022
I'm begging you, please!

282
00:13:33,064 --> 00:13:35,733
You--you--you bested me again.

283
00:13:35,775 --> 00:13:38,403
- Seeing you there
on the ground, crying,

284
00:13:38,444 --> 00:13:40,947
pleading, begging for your life

285
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:44,283
is such "Chicken Soup
for the Soul."

286
00:13:44,325 --> 00:13:46,160
I've been waiting
to do this to you

287
00:13:46,202 --> 00:13:48,955
since I was five
fucking years old.

288
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,123
- [sobbing]

289
00:13:50,164 --> 00:13:53,167
- I got good news
and I got bad news, bud.

290
00:13:53,209 --> 00:13:55,628
The good news, not gonna
shoot you with bullets.

291
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:58,756
- [winces]
- And the bad news...

292
00:13:58,798 --> 00:14:01,175
I'm gonna shoot you with fists.

293
00:14:01,217 --> 00:14:04,637
Get on your feet,
come on, let's dance!

294
00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:08,307
- [chuckles]

295
00:14:08,349 --> 00:14:10,476
- Oh, what's so funny, huh?

296
00:14:10,518 --> 00:14:12,854
You think about
your favorite "Dilbert" quote?

297
00:14:12,895 --> 00:14:15,982
Huh, you little fuckin' dumbass
"Dilbert" fan?

298
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,067
- Oh, no, I'm--

299
00:14:18,109 --> 00:14:19,819
I'm--I'm laughing about this.

300
00:14:19,861 --> 00:14:21,320
- Mother fuck!

301
00:14:21,362 --> 00:14:23,906
- That's right,
I had a second gun.

302
00:14:23,948 --> 00:14:26,492
It's pretty funny, isn't it?

303
00:14:26,534 --> 00:14:28,286
By the way...

304
00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:29,912
I am a "Dilbert" fan.

305
00:14:29,954 --> 00:14:33,750
- Knew it.
You suck so hard!

306
00:14:33,791 --> 00:14:36,836
- Goodbye, MacGruber.

307
00:14:36,878 --> 00:14:38,212
[gunshot]

308
00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:43,509
[heroic music]

309
00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,094
* *

310
00:14:45,136 --> 00:14:46,596
- General.

311
00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:47,722
- Hello, MacGruber.

312
00:14:47,764 --> 00:14:49,891
- [gasps]
- Enos.

313
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:52,518
- Just put the gun down.

314
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,145
Let's just talk about this
for a minute.

315
00:14:54,187 --> 00:14:56,731
- I think the time
for talking is over.

316
00:14:56,773 --> 00:14:59,692
- Think about
what you are doing.

317
00:14:59,734 --> 00:15:01,486
Ah!

318
00:15:01,527 --> 00:15:03,988
Oh!

319
00:15:04,030 --> 00:15:06,657
- Oh, my God, General,
you got here just in time.

320
00:15:06,699 --> 00:15:07,909
Thank you so much!

321
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,244
You saved my life!

322
00:15:10,286 --> 00:15:11,871
[sighs] And look...

323
00:15:11,913 --> 00:15:14,582
I owe you a huge apology.

324
00:15:14,624 --> 00:15:16,375
I am so sorry.

325
00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:17,877
- MacGruber--
- No, I need to say this.

326
00:15:17,919 --> 00:15:19,879
I need to say this!

327
00:15:19,921 --> 00:15:22,715
Look, I've called you
so many nasty things

328
00:15:22,757 --> 00:15:24,801
behind your back.

329
00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:26,094
I've called you a dirty diaper

330
00:15:26,135 --> 00:15:28,179
with arms, legs,
and half a brain.

331
00:15:28,221 --> 00:15:30,890
Yeah, I said that about you.

332
00:15:30,932 --> 00:15:33,726
I called you a fucker,
a fuckhead, fuckface.

333
00:15:33,768 --> 00:15:37,730
I said you're a motherfucker,
a dicknose, dickface, dickhead,

334
00:15:37,772 --> 00:15:39,482
shiteater, shitmouth,

335
00:15:39,524 --> 00:15:43,027
fuckin' tool, fuckin' asshole,
fuckin' buttwipe,

336
00:15:43,069 --> 00:15:45,488
shitdick, shittitty, tittydick,

337
00:15:45,530 --> 00:15:48,324
a little bitch, piece of fuck,
piece of shit.

338
00:15:48,366 --> 00:15:49,700
And I'll put 'em together
and call you

339
00:15:49,742 --> 00:15:51,202
a piece of fucking
titty-dick shit.

340
00:15:51,244 --> 00:15:54,247
You know,
I called you all that stuff.

341
00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:56,332
[whispering] But I was wrong.

342
00:15:56,374 --> 00:15:59,711
'Cause you're not
a piece of fuckin' shit.

343
00:15:59,752 --> 00:16:02,630
You're a piece
of fucking friend.

344
00:16:02,672 --> 00:16:05,591
And I mean that.

345
00:16:05,633 --> 00:16:07,301
- Thank you, MacGruber,
and now it's time for me

346
00:16:07,343 --> 00:16:08,928
to apologize to you.

347
00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:10,596
- For what?

348
00:16:10,638 --> 00:16:11,556
- For this.

349
00:16:11,597 --> 00:16:13,015
- What the hell are you doing?

350
00:16:13,057 --> 00:16:16,561
- Just finishing up the job
my dead colleague started.

351
00:16:16,602 --> 00:16:19,397
- Oh, you piece of fucking
titty-dick shit!

352
00:16:19,439 --> 00:16:21,149
So you're in on this too?

353
00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:22,442
- Let's just say
Queeth and I

354
00:16:22,483 --> 00:16:24,777
had a mutually beneficial
relationship.

355
00:16:24,819 --> 00:16:26,446
I helped him get you
out of jail,

356
00:16:26,487 --> 00:16:28,239
so he could get his hands
on Brimstone,

357
00:16:28,281 --> 00:16:30,324
and he gave me the one thing,

358
00:16:30,366 --> 00:16:33,619
the one thing in this world,
that I want most:

359
00:16:33,661 --> 00:16:35,580
your death.

360
00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:37,582
See, as long as you're alive,

361
00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:40,209
Victoria will never be able
to give me her whole heart.

362
00:16:40,251 --> 00:16:42,628
And that is why
I have to kill you.

363
00:16:42,670 --> 00:16:45,465
- Barrett, look,
I got a news flash for ya.

364
00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:48,134
Vicki married you.
She adores you!

365
00:16:48,176 --> 00:16:50,470
This is all
just in your imagination.

366
00:16:50,511 --> 00:16:53,723
- Oh, it's in my imagination
every time I caught her

367
00:16:53,765 --> 00:16:55,141
looking through
your wedding album?

368
00:16:55,183 --> 00:16:56,893
Every time
she shouted your name

369
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:58,352
when we were making love?

370
00:16:58,394 --> 00:17:00,480
Don't you understand?

371
00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:02,398
- So this whole thing,

372
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:06,027
all the death,
all the destruction,

373
00:17:06,069 --> 00:17:07,403
it's all just for Vicki?

374
00:17:07,445 --> 00:17:09,489
- That's right, MacGruber.

375
00:17:09,530 --> 00:17:11,407
I did it all for the nookie.

376
00:17:11,449 --> 00:17:13,659
- Vicki would be
so disappointed.

377
00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:16,037
- Well, it's a good thing
she's not gonna find out.

378
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:17,622
'Cause now that Queeth is dead,

379
00:17:17,663 --> 00:17:19,457
there's only two people
in the whole world

380
00:17:19,499 --> 00:17:21,084
that know about this,

381
00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:24,337
and one of them
is about to die.

382
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:27,173
[suspenseful music]

383
00:17:27,215 --> 00:17:28,591
[gunshot]
- [shouts]

384
00:17:30,176 --> 00:17:32,178
[uplifting orchestral music]

385
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:34,055
- You sure about that, Barrett?

386
00:17:34,097 --> 00:17:35,765
* *

387
00:17:35,807 --> 00:17:38,393
- Victoria? What are you doing
here?

388
00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:40,353
- Oh, I'd ask you
the same thing

389
00:17:40,395 --> 00:17:42,397
but I think I've heard enough.

390
00:17:42,438 --> 00:17:44,190
- Please, baby, I can explain.

391
00:17:44,232 --> 00:17:46,109
- Don't you "baby" me, baby!

392
00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:47,819
- You got it all wrong, baby.

393
00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:49,946
- No, you know what,
I think for the first time

394
00:17:49,987 --> 00:17:51,614
I got it all right.

395
00:17:51,656 --> 00:17:53,533
When I told you MacGruber
came by last night,

396
00:17:53,574 --> 00:17:54,784
you didn't clench your fist

397
00:17:54,826 --> 00:17:57,286
or snap a pencil
like you usually do,

398
00:17:57,328 --> 00:17:59,205
and that struck me as strange.

399
00:17:59,247 --> 00:18:03,209
And then you happened to leave
a classified dossier at home.

400
00:18:03,251 --> 00:18:04,544
General Barrett Fasoose

401
00:18:04,585 --> 00:18:06,754
doesn't normally
make mistakes like that.

402
00:18:06,796 --> 00:18:08,881
That's when I knew
something was up.

403
00:18:08,923 --> 00:18:12,051
So I followed the coordinates
on your little map

404
00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:14,554
and I ended up here.

405
00:18:14,595 --> 00:18:19,392
And to think I trusted you
with my heart, and my body...

406
00:18:19,434 --> 00:18:21,269
and my song.

407
00:18:22,645 --> 00:18:26,399
* And you betrayed
my precious *

408
00:18:26,441 --> 00:18:31,404
* Trust *

409
00:18:31,446 --> 00:18:37,368
- * Let me make it up
to you, baby *

410
00:18:38,828 --> 00:18:39,996
All right, look,
I did it all for you

411
00:18:40,037 --> 00:18:41,748
and you want to
throw it away on that?

412
00:18:41,789 --> 00:18:43,916
- "That?"

413
00:18:43,958 --> 00:18:47,837
That is the most perfect man
I have ever laid eyes on.

414
00:18:47,879 --> 00:18:50,923
And yeah, sure,
he's impetuous, brash,

415
00:18:50,965 --> 00:18:54,594
hotheaded, conceited, selfish,
thoughtless, reckless,

416
00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:58,890
but he also has a major problem
with impulse control.

417
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:00,892
But none of that matters.

418
00:19:00,933 --> 00:19:04,145
'Cause he is by far
the least endowed lover

419
00:19:04,187 --> 00:19:05,855
I have ever had.

420
00:19:05,897 --> 00:19:09,025
So yeah, he may be
hung like a butterfly,

421
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:12,028
but he stings like a gnat.

422
00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:13,071
- Please, Victoria.

423
00:19:13,112 --> 00:19:16,574
- It's Vicki, Barrett!

424
00:19:16,616 --> 00:19:20,703
Vicki Gloria Saint Elmo...

425
00:19:20,745 --> 00:19:22,455
MacGruber.

426
00:19:22,497 --> 00:19:24,999
- Oh my stars, really?

427
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:26,626
- If you'll have me.

428
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,961
- Yes, yes,
a thousand times yes!

429
00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:32,423
- Consider yourself divorced,
you butthole.

430
00:19:32,465 --> 00:19:33,633
Roundhouse!

431
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,593
Whew, whew!
- [groans]

432
00:19:35,635 --> 00:19:38,554
[heroic music]

433
00:19:38,596 --> 00:19:41,307
* *

434
00:19:41,349 --> 00:19:43,059
- You came for me.

435
00:19:43,101 --> 00:19:46,187
- MacGruber, I never left you.

436
00:19:46,229 --> 00:19:53,236
* *

437
00:19:53,277 --> 00:19:56,197
[helicopter blades whirring]

438
00:19:56,239 --> 00:20:03,371
* *

439
00:20:08,876 --> 00:20:09,961
- Well, my love,

440
00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:13,506
I think it might be time
for a little R&R.

441
00:20:13,548 --> 00:20:17,009
- Oh, yes, I could use
some rest and relaxation.

442
00:20:17,051 --> 00:20:18,344
- No.

443
00:20:18,386 --> 00:20:20,596
The other R&R.

444
00:20:20,638 --> 00:20:22,765
Ramming and rimming.

445
00:20:22,807 --> 00:20:26,644
- [quietly] Oh, MacGruber.

446
00:20:26,686 --> 00:20:29,313
- * Joy to the world *

447
00:20:29,355 --> 00:20:32,275
* The Lord is come *

448
00:20:32,316 --> 00:20:37,447
* Let Earth receive her king *

449
00:20:41,659 --> 00:20:44,579
[tropical music]

450
00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:47,665
* *

451
00:20:47,707 --> 00:20:51,044
- [grunting wildly]

452
00:20:51,085 --> 00:20:53,046
- Oh, MacGruber!

453
00:20:53,087 --> 00:20:56,007
[both panting]

454
00:20:56,049 --> 00:20:58,551
- Gonna go fast now!
Gonna go fast now!

455
00:20:58,593 --> 00:21:00,261
[grunting quickly]

456
00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:04,724
[groaning]

457
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:17,070
Oh, still got a little bit.
It's going.

458
00:21:17,111 --> 00:21:19,864
- What?
- Oh, just a little bit more.

459
00:21:19,906 --> 00:21:22,575
- Oh, I thought you were done.
- It's transferring into you.

460
00:21:22,617 --> 00:21:24,994
[groans weakly]

461
00:21:25,036 --> 00:21:27,330
[both sigh]

462
00:21:27,371 --> 00:21:29,415
Ooh.

463
00:21:29,457 --> 00:21:32,085
Oh.

464
00:21:32,126 --> 00:21:33,378
- [sighs]

465
00:21:33,419 --> 00:21:36,172
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

466
00:21:41,302 --> 00:21:44,472
[toilet flushes]

467
00:21:48,476 --> 00:21:50,436
- Oh.
- Merry Christmas, Vicki.

468
00:21:50,478 --> 00:21:54,148
- Oh, MacGruber.
[chuckles]

469
00:21:54,190 --> 00:21:56,526
- Open it.

470
00:21:56,567 --> 00:22:00,029
- [gasps] My very own locket.

471
00:22:00,071 --> 00:22:01,906
- I thought we could
fill it together.

472
00:22:01,948 --> 00:22:03,282
- Oh.

473
00:22:03,324 --> 00:22:04,367
- Give me your hand.

474
00:22:04,409 --> 00:22:07,328
[Bon Iver's "Beth/Rest"]

475
00:22:07,370 --> 00:22:14,502
* *

476
00:22:15,128 --> 00:22:19,298
- * Errant heat to the star *

477
00:22:19,340 --> 00:22:21,300
* And the rain let in *

478
00:22:21,342 --> 00:22:26,764
* *

479
00:22:26,806 --> 00:22:30,560
* And the hawser rolls,
the vessel's whole *

480
00:22:30,601 --> 00:22:32,478
* And Christ, it's thin *

481
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:37,984
* *

482
00:22:38,025 --> 00:22:42,029
* Well, I'd know
that you'd offer *

483
00:22:42,071 --> 00:22:46,409
* *

484
00:22:46,451 --> 00:22:49,370
* Would reveal it,
though it's soft and flat *

485
00:22:49,412 --> 00:22:53,916
* *

486
00:22:53,958 --> 00:22:56,502
* Won't repeat it,
cull and coffers that *

487
00:22:56,544 --> 00:22:59,714
* For the soffit,
hang this homeward *

488
00:22:59,756 --> 00:23:02,675
* *

489
00:23:02,717 --> 00:23:05,261
- All the best to you,
my love,

490
00:23:05,303 --> 00:23:07,764
on this special hallowed day.

491
00:23:07,805 --> 00:23:11,100
- Your love is the greatest
gift I've ever received.

492
00:23:11,142 --> 00:23:13,269
- And mine yours.

493
00:23:13,311 --> 00:23:14,687
- MacGruber.

494
00:23:14,729 --> 00:23:17,523
- Come here.

495
00:23:17,565 --> 00:23:20,693
[gulls calling]

496
00:23:20,735 --> 00:23:23,071
- Oh, what a beautiful day.

497
00:23:23,112 --> 00:23:26,032
* *

498
00:23:26,074 --> 00:23:29,452
- Thanks to us,
the world goes on.

499
00:23:29,494 --> 00:23:31,829
- Do you want me to go
rustle us up some coffees?

500
00:23:31,871 --> 00:23:33,206
- That can be arranged.

501
00:23:33,247 --> 00:23:36,084
- [chuckles]

502
00:23:36,125 --> 00:23:39,670
- * All the news at the door *

503
00:23:39,712 --> 00:23:43,216
* Such a revelry *

504
00:23:43,257 --> 00:23:48,221
* *

505
00:23:48,262 --> 00:23:51,182
- They ran out of coffee,
so I got you some apple ju--

506
00:23:51,224 --> 00:23:53,851
* *

507
00:23:53,893 --> 00:23:57,355
[dramatic music]

508
00:23:57,397 --> 00:23:58,940
MacGruber!

509
00:23:58,981 --> 00:24:00,650
Oh, God.

510
00:24:00,691 --> 00:24:02,735
- Hey, just gotta do
a teeny bit more cleanup

511
00:24:02,777 --> 00:24:04,737
then I'm ready for round two.

512
00:24:04,779 --> 00:24:06,197
- I think you better see this.

513
00:24:06,239 --> 00:24:09,325
- I'm almost tempted to say
that you better see this.

514
00:24:09,367 --> 00:24:11,911
- This is a major
chemical weapon attack...

515
00:24:11,953 --> 00:24:13,788
- Angle it over here!
- In Quito, Ecuador,

516
00:24:13,830 --> 00:24:15,581
home to over 2 million people

517
00:24:15,623 --> 00:24:18,334
and right now, as you
can see from this footage,

518
00:24:18,376 --> 00:24:19,669
there are crowds of people

519
00:24:19,711 --> 00:24:21,212
running from
what appears to be

520
00:24:21,254 --> 00:24:23,548
clouds of some sort
of orange gas.

521
00:24:23,589 --> 00:24:26,342
* *

522
00:24:26,384 --> 00:24:27,719
- [people screaming]

523
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,262
* *

524
00:24:29,303 --> 00:24:35,143
- Oh...my...God.

525
00:24:39,897 --> 00:24:42,817
[suspenseful music]

526
00:24:42,859 --> 00:24:49,991
* *