1 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:11,471 [dramatic music] 2 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,182 [Boz Scaggs' "Lido Shuffle"] 3 00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,933 - * Whoa * 4 00:00:15,975 --> 00:00:18,186 - All right. Looks like we win this round. 5 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:20,646 - We win this round? They got the weapon! 6 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:23,107 - Oh, fine. Call it a tie. 7 00:00:23,149 --> 00:00:25,526 So, uh, Vick, why did you sell us out? 8 00:00:25,568 --> 00:00:27,070 - What are you talking about? - Oh, yeah. 9 00:00:27,111 --> 00:00:29,947 I guess the U.S. military just kind of happened to show up 10 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:33,117 at our exact location on a dog-dang hunch? 11 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:34,619 Yeah, that makes sense. 12 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,329 - What exactly are you accusing me of? 13 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,789 - Oh, come on! 14 00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:40,792 You called your little boy toy after I specifically made 15 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,461 a no-calling-husbands rule, and now looked what happened! 16 00:00:43,503 --> 00:00:45,338 - Yeah, we were saved from death! 17 00:00:45,380 --> 00:00:46,631 - Because of you! 18 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,591 - He probably just tracked her phone. 19 00:00:48,633 --> 00:00:50,802 - No, that's impossible, Piper. It's a wireless phone. 20 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:51,719 - Very funny. 21 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:53,554 - No, they can track those too. 22 00:00:53,596 --> 00:00:54,764 - Really? 23 00:00:54,806 --> 00:00:57,475 - Fucking get out of here. That's very cool. 24 00:00:57,517 --> 00:00:59,352 Well, Vicki, based on that, 25 00:00:59,394 --> 00:01:01,354 I owe you a huge apology. 26 00:01:01,396 --> 00:01:03,189 And I'd like to personally apologize 27 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:05,149 to your phone as well. May I? 28 00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,610 - Oh, thank you. That's sweet. 29 00:01:07,652 --> 00:01:08,903 [giggles] 30 00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:11,322 - Yeah. All right. 31 00:01:11,364 --> 00:01:13,783 - [gasps] MacGruber! 32 00:01:13,825 --> 00:01:15,576 - That ought to slow down those fucking gomers. 33 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,161 [sirens wailing] Oh, shit, shit, shit! 34 00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:18,496 Piper, down! - But those are our guys! 35 00:01:18,538 --> 00:01:19,497 - Down, now! Vicki, quick! 36 00:01:19,539 --> 00:01:20,706 Get your mouth over here! - What? 37 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:21,958 - Get your mouth over here! - Oh. 38 00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,919 [sirens wailing] 39 00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:31,092 [sirens fade] 40 00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:33,052 - [sighs] That was a close one. 41 00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:34,512 Nice undercover work, Vick. 42 00:01:34,554 --> 00:01:36,681 I think they bought it. - Thank you. 43 00:01:36,723 --> 00:01:39,225 [helicopter whirring] - Shit, more pigs! 44 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,560 All right, we better get this bad boy 45 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,603 off the road and plan our next move. 46 00:01:44,731 --> 00:01:46,566 - You've reached singer-songwriter 47 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,860 Vicki St. Elmo-Fasoose. 48 00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:50,862 * Leave your name and your number * 49 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:55,700 * And a message after the to-wo-wo-wo-wo... * 50 00:01:55,742 --> 00:01:58,745 - Sir, we have surveillance photos of the drone strike. 51 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,413 [tense music] 52 00:02:00,455 --> 00:02:01,873 - Jesus, Vicki. 53 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,792 - We also found this. 54 00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:07,795 Ran it through our database. Says it's Brigadier Commander-- 55 00:02:07,837 --> 00:02:09,422 - Enos Queeth. 56 00:02:09,464 --> 00:02:11,507 - You know him, sir? - Used to. 57 00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:13,676 Till he was killed in action 20 years ago. 58 00:02:15,428 --> 00:02:18,139 Looks pretty good for a dead guy. 59 00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:20,058 - You think he's behind MacGruber's kidnapping? 60 00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:22,560 - Makes sense. The two of them had a history. 61 00:02:22,602 --> 00:02:24,562 I guess Queeth finally settled the score. 62 00:02:24,604 --> 00:02:26,355 - There's something else you should see. 63 00:02:27,857 --> 00:02:31,694 - Lieutenant Colonel Dixon Piper. 64 00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,280 - And if you look closely behind him... 65 00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:36,783 - MacGruber. 66 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,576 [inhales deeply] I'll be damned. 67 00:02:38,618 --> 00:02:40,661 That son of a bitch is still alive. 68 00:02:40,703 --> 00:02:42,914 [exhales sharply] Thank you, Major. 69 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,419 - Jesus, Vicki. 70 00:02:48,461 --> 00:02:49,921 - What have you gotten yourself into? 71 00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:52,423 - * Wo-one * 72 00:02:52,465 --> 00:02:55,385 * Leave a message at the tone * 73 00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:58,012 [dial tone beeps] 74 00:02:58,054 --> 00:03:00,264 [dramatic music] 75 00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:07,438 * * 76 00:03:20,326 --> 00:03:24,580 - * MacGruber * 77 00:03:24,622 --> 00:03:27,458 [fire crackles] 78 00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:30,545 [garage door clanging] 79 00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:34,382 [alarm beeping] 80 00:03:34,424 --> 00:03:36,843 - And just like that, 81 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,721 we're ghosts. 82 00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:41,723 - All right. You want to maybe go take care of that alarm? 83 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,266 - Oh, shit! Yeah, come on. 84 00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:44,517 Vick, come on! 85 00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:48,312 Okay. 86 00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:49,522 Okay, here we go. 87 00:03:49,564 --> 00:03:52,567 6-9-6-9-6-9. 88 00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,485 [alarm chirps] Shit! Worth a shot. 89 00:03:54,527 --> 00:03:56,946 - 60 seconds, MacGruber. 90 00:03:56,988 --> 00:03:59,574 - All right. We got this, Vick. 91 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:02,577 All right, follow this band to the source. 92 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:08,040 So, uh, you, uh, digging the jazz? 93 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,293 - What do you mean? I don't hear any music. 94 00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:14,088 - [chuckles] No, this. The jazz. 95 00:04:14,130 --> 00:04:15,840 Fighting the good fight, 96 00:04:15,882 --> 00:04:19,510 getting back in the game for one last dance. 97 00:04:19,552 --> 00:04:21,888 - I do enjoy watching you play. 98 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:25,641 The game. The jazz. - Yeah. 99 00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:27,143 Got to be honest with you: 100 00:04:27,185 --> 00:04:30,730 been in prison so long, I'm a little out of practice. 101 00:04:32,231 --> 00:04:34,400 - Excuse me? 102 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:38,029 - Vicki, do I have to spell it out for you? 103 00:04:38,071 --> 00:04:41,115 I need to do it with you. 104 00:04:41,157 --> 00:04:43,910 - MacGruber, I'm married. 105 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,412 - [scoffs] The alarm, Vicki. 106 00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:49,624 [laughs] The alarm. 107 00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:52,043 All right. Here. Hand me those wire cutters. 108 00:04:52,085 --> 00:04:53,252 - You got it, MacGruber. 109 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:54,879 - Now get in there. - Oh. 110 00:04:54,921 --> 00:04:57,090 - Now let's take those fingers of yours 111 00:04:57,131 --> 00:05:00,343 and spread those wires apart very slowly. 112 00:05:00,385 --> 00:05:01,552 - These wires? - There we go. 113 00:05:01,594 --> 00:05:03,971 Those ones right there. Great job. 114 00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:05,139 Gently. 115 00:05:05,181 --> 00:05:07,558 There we go. Attagirl. 116 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,102 Okay, now I'm just gonna take my tool. 117 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,228 - Yeah? 118 00:05:10,269 --> 00:05:11,562 - I'm just gonna jam it in there. 119 00:05:11,604 --> 00:05:13,648 I'm just gonna come inside you there. 120 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:16,025 Don't worry. This is gonna be very quick. 121 00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:19,028 I'm almost there already. I'm about there. 122 00:05:19,070 --> 00:05:21,280 I'm about there! I'm about to cut it! 123 00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:22,573 I'm about to get it! - Yes! 124 00:05:22,615 --> 00:05:24,283 - Oh, you know I'm about to get it! 125 00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:25,868 You see me getting it! - Yeah! 126 00:05:25,910 --> 00:05:27,829 - You're feeling me getting it! I'm about to get it! 127 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,330 - Yes! - I'm about to finish! 128 00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:30,748 - Oh, my God! - Ah! 129 00:05:30,790 --> 00:05:31,999 [alarm powers down] - Oh! 130 00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:33,793 - Got it. 131 00:05:33,835 --> 00:05:36,421 Nice work. - Wow. 132 00:05:36,462 --> 00:05:38,798 Oh, my God. Okay. 133 00:05:40,633 --> 00:05:42,677 - So, MacGruber, can you please explain 134 00:05:42,719 --> 00:05:44,512 why we're avoiding telling the U.S. government 135 00:05:44,554 --> 00:05:46,431 that some maniac just got his hands 136 00:05:46,472 --> 00:05:48,015 on a weapon of mass destruction? 137 00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:50,768 - Piper, why do you think I hid that stuff in a fucking cave 138 00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:52,437 for the past 20 years? 139 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,063 For gits and shiggles? 140 00:05:54,105 --> 00:05:56,482 No, I hid it because no government on Earth 141 00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:59,986 should have it, not even the USA. 142 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:03,364 I mean, we're talking about a world-ender here, Piper. 143 00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:06,826 I don't know about you, but I kind of like the world. 144 00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:09,203 [sentimental music] 145 00:06:09,245 --> 00:06:11,456 I like sunsets. 146 00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:14,125 I like snowcapped mountains. 147 00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:17,795 I like kicking back with a cold Molson and watching the game. 148 00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,758 I like babies and kettle corn. 149 00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:24,260 Monster trucks and puppy dogs. 150 00:06:24,302 --> 00:06:28,556 I like the tig, ol' bitties and bunchin' mox. 151 00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:31,225 I even like cancer and type 2 diabetes 152 00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:34,687 because they remind me that life is precious. 153 00:06:34,729 --> 00:06:36,814 And that is why it is imperative 154 00:06:36,856 --> 00:06:39,817 that we keep this shit out of Queeth's hands! 155 00:06:39,859 --> 00:06:43,154 - But you just gave Queeth the weapon! 156 00:06:43,196 --> 00:06:44,697 - You know what? 157 00:06:44,739 --> 00:06:46,824 I'm gonna start calling you Checkers, 158 00:06:46,866 --> 00:06:48,618 'cause that's the game you're playing. 159 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,453 But me? I play chess. 160 00:06:50,495 --> 00:06:52,038 The thinking man's game. 161 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,790 And if you want to win at chess, 162 00:06:53,831 --> 00:06:55,875 you got to think outside the bun 163 00:06:55,917 --> 00:06:57,835 'cause that's how you win at chess, Checkers. 164 00:06:57,877 --> 00:06:59,754 Checksmate. We good here? 165 00:06:59,796 --> 00:07:01,631 - No, we're not good here. 166 00:07:01,672 --> 00:07:04,008 We should tell the general and get his help. 167 00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:07,345 - We don't need his help! All right? 168 00:07:07,387 --> 00:07:09,430 We can do this ourselves. 169 00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:10,973 I mean, don't you see? 170 00:07:11,015 --> 00:07:13,309 You're not a driving instructor, Checkers. 171 00:07:13,351 --> 00:07:14,560 [inspirational music] 172 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:18,022 And, Vicki, you're not a housewife. 173 00:07:18,064 --> 00:07:22,068 You're soldiers, and you always will be. 174 00:07:22,110 --> 00:07:23,903 - You're gonna get us all killed. 175 00:07:23,945 --> 00:07:25,113 - [sighs] 176 00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,824 Vicki, can you give us a second? 177 00:07:27,865 --> 00:07:29,117 - Sure. - But stay here. 178 00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:29,992 - Yeah. 179 00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:31,744 - I want you to hear this. 180 00:07:33,538 --> 00:07:34,872 Would it change your mind, Checkers, 181 00:07:34,914 --> 00:07:38,376 if I told you that Enos Queeth murdered my mother? 182 00:07:38,418 --> 00:07:40,586 - [gasps] 183 00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:43,256 - What? - Yeah. 184 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,049 I want to tell you guys a little story 185 00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:47,510 that I've only told about 40 other people. 186 00:07:47,552 --> 00:07:50,513 [tense music] 187 00:07:50,555 --> 00:07:51,472 * * 188 00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,057 Back in the day, 189 00:07:53,099 --> 00:07:56,269 Queeth and my father were fast friends. 190 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:57,895 * * 191 00:07:57,937 --> 00:08:00,523 Actually served in the military together. 192 00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:03,192 Oorah. 193 00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:06,988 But when my father made full bird colonel in record time, 194 00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:10,950 it sent Queeth into a jealous rage. 195 00:08:10,992 --> 00:08:12,577 The night of my fifth birthday, 196 00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:14,120 he came over to our house 197 00:08:14,162 --> 00:08:16,622 looking to put an end to my father's life. 198 00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:19,834 Instead, he ended our family. 199 00:08:19,876 --> 00:08:21,836 Put a bullet in my mother's head. 200 00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:25,673 splattered her brains all over my face and cake. 201 00:08:25,715 --> 00:08:28,301 Happy birthday to me. 202 00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:30,678 My father was inconsolable. 203 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,431 Queeth stole the love of his life. 204 00:08:33,473 --> 00:08:35,433 Went into a deep depression. 205 00:08:35,475 --> 00:08:38,603 Tried to fill the void with the drugs and liqueurs. 206 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:39,937 Long story short, 207 00:08:39,979 --> 00:08:42,857 Queeth fucking ruined him. 208 00:08:42,899 --> 00:08:45,693 So the day I turned 18, I went down 209 00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:49,238 and I joined the Green Berets, Navy SEALs, and Coast Guard 210 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:54,118 and made it my life's mission to take Queeth down. 211 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:58,206 So, you see, this isn't just any mission for me. 212 00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,874 This is personal. 213 00:09:02,835 --> 00:09:05,296 - I remain in. 214 00:09:05,338 --> 00:09:06,672 - Thank you, soldier. 215 00:09:15,181 --> 00:09:18,351 - Fine. - Checkers, really? 216 00:09:18,393 --> 00:09:20,686 - Yes, but please stop calling me Checkers. 217 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:21,979 - Of course. 218 00:09:22,021 --> 00:09:24,232 Now let's go stop this son of a bitch. 219 00:09:24,273 --> 00:09:25,650 - Yeah, and how are we gonna do that? 220 00:09:25,691 --> 00:09:28,319 We have exactly zero leads. 221 00:09:28,361 --> 00:09:30,279 - Guess again, Checkers. 222 00:09:30,321 --> 00:09:34,575 Queeth's go-to scientist, Irina Poliskaya. 223 00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:35,993 - The world's preeminent chemist 224 00:09:36,035 --> 00:09:38,079 in the field of organophosphates. 225 00:09:38,121 --> 00:09:39,956 She's got every degree in the book. 226 00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:43,042 - And a heart as black as the coal in Queeth's stocking. 227 00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:45,086 - So you think she's gonna synthesize Brimstone? 228 00:09:45,128 --> 00:09:47,630 - I bet your baby's life on it. - MacGruber! 229 00:09:47,672 --> 00:09:49,966 - Vicki, I don't want Piper's baby to get murdered 230 00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:51,676 or even die of natural causes, 231 00:09:51,718 --> 00:09:53,845 but that's how certain I am. 232 00:09:53,886 --> 00:09:56,180 Poliskaya is our synthesizer. 233 00:09:56,222 --> 00:09:57,765 - Well, then we need to find her and get to her 234 00:09:57,807 --> 00:09:59,016 before Queeth does. 235 00:09:59,058 --> 00:10:01,185 [keyboard clicking] - ICDAG. 236 00:10:01,227 --> 00:10:03,396 The International Chemical Defense Association Gala. 237 00:10:03,438 --> 00:10:04,689 - [slurs words] ...Gala! 238 00:10:04,731 --> 00:10:06,399 Yeah, I know it well. 239 00:10:06,441 --> 00:10:08,359 The International...Gala. 240 00:10:08,401 --> 00:10:10,695 Yeah, that's right. I know it very well. 241 00:10:10,737 --> 00:10:14,157 - Well, it says here there's a big soiree in Miami this week. 242 00:10:14,198 --> 00:10:16,534 Every top chemical engineer in the world will be there. 243 00:10:16,576 --> 00:10:20,496 And guess who's getting a lifetime achievement award? 244 00:10:20,538 --> 00:10:22,373 - [gasps] 245 00:10:25,877 --> 00:10:27,295 Irina Poliskaya. 246 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:31,966 - As I suspected. 247 00:10:32,008 --> 00:10:33,718 - Queeth must have timed this whole operation 248 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,053 for when he'd have access to her. 249 00:10:35,094 --> 00:10:37,555 - Checkers, this ain't no coinky-dink. 250 00:10:37,597 --> 00:10:39,891 No, this is an on-purpy-dink. 251 00:10:39,932 --> 00:10:41,601 - So what's our plan, MacGruber? 252 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:45,354 - Looks like we're going fishing for Russian scientists. 253 00:10:45,396 --> 00:10:46,647 - It won't be easy. 254 00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,066 She's gonna be under heavy guard. 255 00:10:48,107 --> 00:10:50,902 - You can catch anything if you use a big enough worm. 256 00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:52,487 - It's true. 257 00:10:52,528 --> 00:10:54,697 - Hey, MacGruber, we can't keep driving around 258 00:10:54,739 --> 00:10:55,907 in that car of yours. 259 00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:57,366 It's kind of hard to stay undercover 260 00:10:57,408 --> 00:10:58,576 in a bright red Miata. 261 00:10:58,618 --> 00:11:01,746 - Way ahead of you, Checkers. 262 00:11:01,788 --> 00:11:04,749 [heroic music] 263 00:11:04,791 --> 00:11:08,836 * * 264 00:11:08,878 --> 00:11:10,254 - Yep, much better. 265 00:11:16,469 --> 00:11:19,514 [Loverboy's "Lovin' Every Minute of It"] 266 00:11:19,555 --> 00:11:20,723 * * 267 00:11:20,765 --> 00:11:22,433 - * I'm not a man * 268 00:11:22,475 --> 00:11:23,601 * Or machine * 269 00:11:23,643 --> 00:11:26,062 * I'm just something in between * 270 00:11:26,104 --> 00:11:29,023 all: * Whoa-oh, whoa-oh * 271 00:11:29,065 --> 00:11:31,651 - * I'm all love, a dynamo * 272 00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:34,237 * So push the button and let me go * 273 00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:36,447 all: * Whoa-oh, whoa-oh * 274 00:11:36,489 --> 00:11:40,118 - * Aah, you want me to come alive? * 275 00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:42,662 * Flick the switch into overdrive * 276 00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:45,289 * You and me can let it be * 277 00:11:45,331 --> 00:11:46,666 * Ready * all: * Ready * 278 00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:49,460 - * Aim * all: * Aim * 279 00:11:49,502 --> 00:11:51,003 - * Fire * 280 00:11:51,045 --> 00:11:53,464 * Touch that dial, turn me on * 281 00:11:53,506 --> 00:11:56,342 * Start me like a motor, make me run * 282 00:11:56,384 --> 00:11:58,010 * Lovin' every minute of it * 283 00:11:58,052 --> 00:11:59,137 * Lovin' * 284 00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:00,805 * Lovin' every minute of it * 285 00:12:00,847 --> 00:12:03,766 - Big worm is in position. 286 00:12:03,808 --> 00:12:05,643 How are we looking, Checkers? 287 00:12:05,685 --> 00:12:06,894 - Give me a sec. 288 00:12:06,936 --> 00:12:09,731 [dramatic music] 289 00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:10,898 [gun cocks] 290 00:12:10,940 --> 00:12:12,108 - Who are you? 291 00:12:12,150 --> 00:12:13,568 - The night shift. [gunshots] 292 00:12:17,947 --> 00:12:19,741 I'm in. - Okay, gang. 293 00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,701 This is for all the marbles. 294 00:12:21,743 --> 00:12:23,661 We won't get another chance. 295 00:12:23,703 --> 00:12:25,079 Vicki, you in place? 296 00:12:25,121 --> 00:12:27,165 - Yeah, I'm at your 11:00. 297 00:12:28,875 --> 00:12:30,835 Sorry, Central Standard Time. 298 00:12:30,877 --> 00:12:33,796 [romantic music] 299 00:12:33,838 --> 00:12:40,470 * * 300 00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:41,429 - There you are. 301 00:12:44,015 --> 00:12:47,268 [chuckles nervously] Wow, you look... 302 00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:48,478 fine. 303 00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:53,524 - Well, you also look...only fine. 304 00:12:53,566 --> 00:12:55,109 - Hey, I got eyes on Poliskaya. 305 00:12:55,151 --> 00:12:57,612 She's by the bar, and she's got company. 306 00:12:57,653 --> 00:12:58,821 Big company. 307 00:12:58,863 --> 00:13:00,198 - Piece of cake. 308 00:13:00,239 --> 00:13:03,367 Watch and learn, kid. Watch and learn. 309 00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:12,668 Same old science bullshit, different science day. 310 00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:15,588 What's up, turtledove? Buy you an eggnog? 311 00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:16,672 - No. 312 00:13:16,714 --> 00:13:19,926 - [chuckles] Hey, I can take a hint. 313 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,595 Barkeep, two gin martinis. 314 00:13:22,637 --> 00:13:24,722 And I'll have mine... 315 00:13:24,764 --> 00:13:26,140 very dirty. 316 00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:33,648 Allow me. 317 00:13:36,943 --> 00:13:40,196 So, do you like it dirty? 318 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:46,244 - The lady does not wish to talk to you. 319 00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:47,912 - [in Russian accent] Oh, the lady does not want 320 00:13:47,954 --> 00:13:49,580 to talk to me, huh? 321 00:13:49,622 --> 00:13:52,166 [normally] That's what you sound like, you fucking dode. 322 00:13:52,208 --> 00:13:54,919 In fact, the only thing more stupid than your accent 323 00:13:54,961 --> 00:13:57,922 is the way you're dressed, the content of your brain, 324 00:13:57,964 --> 00:14:00,007 and your fucking face. 325 00:14:00,049 --> 00:14:01,634 - You will leave now. 326 00:14:01,676 --> 00:14:04,429 - [in Russian accent] I will leave now. 327 00:14:06,681 --> 00:14:08,099 Fine. 328 00:14:08,141 --> 00:14:10,184 Let me just settle my bill. 329 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,357 Barkeep, put those on the Queeth tab. 330 00:14:16,399 --> 00:14:17,942 [dramatic musical sting] 331 00:14:17,984 --> 00:14:19,110 - It's an open bar. 332 00:14:19,152 --> 00:14:20,695 - You're an open bar! 333 00:14:20,737 --> 00:14:24,073 Queeth. Tab. Now. 334 00:14:24,115 --> 00:14:26,743 - [speaking Russian] - [speaking Russian] 335 00:14:28,536 --> 00:14:29,996 - [in Russian accent] Da. 336 00:14:31,539 --> 00:14:35,626 - Sorry, Jorgus can be a little overprotective. 337 00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:36,919 Have we met? 338 00:14:36,961 --> 00:14:39,505 - Let's just say I'm a friend of a friend. 339 00:14:41,674 --> 00:14:42,884 Thank you. Here. 340 00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:46,095 Oh, I got a little tip for you. 341 00:14:46,137 --> 00:14:47,263 Keep the change. 342 00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:52,101 - All right. Hurry, MacGruber. 343 00:14:52,143 --> 00:14:53,603 The presentation starts in ten minutes, 344 00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,646 and you need five for the capsule to take effect. 345 00:14:55,688 --> 00:14:56,981 - Loud and... 346 00:14:57,023 --> 00:14:59,942 [dramatic music] 347 00:14:59,984 --> 00:15:01,527 * * 348 00:15:03,071 --> 00:15:04,572 Got a little boogie. 349 00:15:13,664 --> 00:15:14,832 [chuckles] 350 00:15:14,874 --> 00:15:17,752 Holy shit! Does that guy have his wiener out? 351 00:15:17,794 --> 00:15:19,003 Oh, he fully does! 352 00:15:19,045 --> 00:15:21,214 Oh, you got to turn your head and see this! 353 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:22,590 It's so small! 354 00:15:22,632 --> 00:15:24,801 It's like a snail, or is it-- 355 00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:27,178 No, "it's a snail" is the perfect way to put it! 356 00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:28,679 Oh, my God! 357 00:15:28,721 --> 00:15:30,681 People are going nuts over there! 358 00:15:30,723 --> 00:15:34,352 [forced laughter] 359 00:15:34,394 --> 00:15:35,311 No? 360 00:15:35,353 --> 00:15:37,021 Oh, God. You're missing out. 361 00:15:37,063 --> 00:15:39,023 Turn that head! 362 00:15:39,065 --> 00:15:40,566 [laughs harder] 363 00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:44,237 Oh, my God. Look at this! You don't want to see this? 364 00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:46,364 Oh, it looks like he's gonna pull up his pants! 365 00:15:46,406 --> 00:15:48,699 Uh, no, no, no, no, no. It's still there! 366 00:15:48,741 --> 00:15:50,952 No? Okay. 367 00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,578 All right. All right. 368 00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:55,998 Ooh, let's have a head-turning contest! 369 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,333 I'll start. 370 00:15:57,375 --> 00:15:58,543 - [exhales sharply] 371 00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,545 Vicki, we need a distraction. 372 00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:01,963 - On it. 373 00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:05,842 Ahh! 374 00:16:05,883 --> 00:16:07,802 No! 375 00:16:07,844 --> 00:16:10,555 Look at me! 376 00:16:10,596 --> 00:16:12,640 Over here! 377 00:16:12,682 --> 00:16:17,145 Ahh! 378 00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:25,820 - Okay. That worked, I guess. 379 00:16:25,862 --> 00:16:28,030 Now get in position for phase two, Vicki. 380 00:16:28,072 --> 00:16:29,198 - On the groove. 381 00:16:34,662 --> 00:16:37,290 - Where were we? Oh, that's right. 382 00:16:37,331 --> 00:16:38,499 We were getting to know each other, 383 00:16:38,541 --> 00:16:40,543 and it was going fucking great. 384 00:16:40,585 --> 00:16:42,378 Is it just me, or are we 385 00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:45,631 in a major opposites-attract situation here? 386 00:16:45,673 --> 00:16:47,592 'Cause you travel with protection, 387 00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:51,637 and I never, ever, ever use protection. 388 00:16:52,805 --> 00:16:55,183 What do you say we get out of here? 389 00:16:55,224 --> 00:16:57,560 - You're very persistent, Mr... 390 00:17:00,438 --> 00:17:02,940 - Jebblidoo. - Mm. 391 00:17:02,982 --> 00:17:06,194 - Matias Jebblidoo. 392 00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:11,032 - Mm, it's been a unique pleasure, Mr. Jebblidoo. 393 00:17:11,074 --> 00:17:13,826 Now if you'll excuse me, I have a prior obligation. 394 00:17:13,868 --> 00:17:17,914 - Oh, hate for you to go Russian off, 395 00:17:17,955 --> 00:17:20,708 but if you must, then Soviet. 396 00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:24,170 To humor. 397 00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:43,314 She's walking. She did it. 398 00:17:43,356 --> 00:17:44,774 She drank it. I did it. 399 00:17:44,816 --> 00:17:46,192 I got her to drink it. 400 00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:47,777 Fuck yeah. You got her, Checkers? 401 00:17:47,819 --> 00:17:50,988 - I got her, but please stop calling me that. 402 00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:53,366 Vicki, you in place? 403 00:17:53,408 --> 00:17:54,700 - Set to jet. 404 00:17:56,035 --> 00:17:59,580 - All right. I'm in the pipe, five by five. 405 00:18:03,543 --> 00:18:05,586 - Oh! Give me one moment. 406 00:18:12,135 --> 00:18:14,053 - Okay. I lost eyes on her. 407 00:18:14,095 --> 00:18:15,346 This is all you, Vick. 408 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,946 - Excuse me, do you have any toilet paper? 409 00:18:33,990 --> 00:18:35,742 - Let me see if I have some. 410 00:18:35,783 --> 00:18:38,286 Oh, you're in luck. Here you go. 411 00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:52,675 Sorry! 412 00:18:52,717 --> 00:18:55,094 She's out. Commencing the old switcheroo. 413 00:18:55,136 --> 00:18:56,471 - Great work, Vick. 414 00:18:59,057 --> 00:19:01,684 - Heads up, Vicki. Your company has got company. 415 00:19:03,102 --> 00:19:04,437 [gunshots] 416 00:19:07,273 --> 00:19:10,276 Okay, Vicki. Jack has just replaced Poliskaya's guard. 417 00:19:10,318 --> 00:19:11,652 Proceed with caution. 418 00:19:11,694 --> 00:19:14,030 - Just making some final adjustments. 419 00:19:17,575 --> 00:19:19,368 - Everything all right in there? 420 00:19:19,410 --> 00:19:22,371 [dramatic music] 421 00:19:22,413 --> 00:19:24,540 * * 422 00:19:24,582 --> 00:19:25,958 - [speaking Russian] 423 00:19:35,176 --> 00:19:37,720 - Now remember, Vicki, we only need Queeth's guy 424 00:19:37,762 --> 00:19:39,722 to think you're Poliskaya for a few minutes 425 00:19:39,764 --> 00:19:42,016 until I can get the real Poliskaya out of here. 426 00:19:42,058 --> 00:19:44,185 Then, you can give that fucking jughead the slip. 427 00:19:44,227 --> 00:19:46,437 And then, we are in the clear. 428 00:19:46,479 --> 00:19:47,563 - There you are. - [gasps] 429 00:19:47,605 --> 00:19:49,565 - Hi, Miss Poliskaya. - That's me. 430 00:19:49,607 --> 00:19:50,900 - We're ahead of schedule. 431 00:19:50,942 --> 00:19:53,069 We're ready to bring you to the stage right now. 432 00:19:54,779 --> 00:19:57,490 - Great. That's where I want to be. 433 00:19:57,532 --> 00:19:59,033 - The ballroom is packed, 434 00:19:59,075 --> 00:20:02,912 and people are really excited to hear your speech. 435 00:20:02,954 --> 00:20:04,580 - My speech? 436 00:20:04,622 --> 00:20:06,541 Yes, of course. 437 00:20:06,582 --> 00:20:09,127 It's not just an award. 438 00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:11,921 It's also a speech. 439 00:20:11,963 --> 00:20:12,880 - Right this way. 440 00:20:14,966 --> 00:20:17,343 - What do I do? What's he saying about a speech? 441 00:20:17,385 --> 00:20:18,469 That wasn't part of the plan! 442 00:20:18,511 --> 00:20:20,513 - Plans change, Vick. Roll with it. 443 00:20:20,555 --> 00:20:21,597 - What do you mean plans change? 444 00:20:21,639 --> 00:20:23,766 What am I supposed to say? 445 00:20:23,808 --> 00:20:25,601 - Don't worry. I got your six. 446 00:20:25,643 --> 00:20:26,936 As the near-recipient 447 00:20:26,978 --> 00:20:28,938 of several lifetime achievement awards, 448 00:20:28,980 --> 00:20:31,107 I know that a speech is de rigueur, 449 00:20:31,149 --> 00:20:33,776 so I took the liberty of writing you an amazing speech. 450 00:20:33,818 --> 00:20:36,696 It's already under your podium. 451 00:20:36,738 --> 00:20:38,573 - [in a Russian accent] Thank you. 452 00:20:40,992 --> 00:20:44,245 - And now, it is my great pleasure 453 00:20:44,287 --> 00:20:45,830 to welcome the recipient 454 00:20:45,872 --> 00:20:49,125 of this year's ICDA lifetime achievement award, 455 00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:52,128 Dr. Irina Poliskaya. 456 00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:55,089 [applause] 457 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,198 [award thuds] 458 00:21:25,036 --> 00:21:26,496 - [in a Russian accent] Russian hello. 459 00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:29,499 [quirky music] 460 00:21:29,540 --> 00:21:36,714 * * 461 00:21:41,386 --> 00:21:44,305 [crumpling echoes] 462 00:22:02,740 --> 00:22:06,911 Webster's dictionary defines "science" 463 00:22:06,953 --> 00:22:10,706 as the state or act of... 464 00:22:10,748 --> 00:22:13,835 being scientific. 465 00:22:15,378 --> 00:22:21,092 And this definition appears in the S's. 466 00:22:33,438 --> 00:22:34,731 - Great job, Vick! 467 00:22:34,772 --> 00:22:36,858 Sounds like that audience is eating that shit up 468 00:22:36,899 --> 00:22:38,693 like a fucking pot roast. 469 00:22:38,735 --> 00:22:40,486 Keep going. 470 00:22:40,528 --> 00:22:43,489 - Science. 471 00:22:43,531 --> 00:22:46,576 Science is all around us. 472 00:22:46,617 --> 00:22:49,162 Right? 473 00:22:49,203 --> 00:22:51,330 They know. 474 00:22:51,372 --> 00:22:55,293 It's when you hear your favorite song, 475 00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:56,836 when you... 476 00:22:59,172 --> 00:23:01,883 That is science. 477 00:23:01,924 --> 00:23:03,801 When you get into an elevator 478 00:23:03,843 --> 00:23:07,930 and sometimes there's a funny smell, 479 00:23:07,972 --> 00:23:11,100 that's also science. 480 00:23:11,142 --> 00:23:13,227 - Okay. You got 'em on the hook. 481 00:23:13,269 --> 00:23:16,898 Now just reel 'em in nice and easy. 482 00:23:16,939 --> 00:23:22,320 - Science is weather... 483 00:23:26,449 --> 00:23:29,452 corn... 484 00:23:29,494 --> 00:23:32,872 and electric. 485 00:23:34,957 --> 00:23:37,126 - The laundry is in the hamper. 486 00:23:37,168 --> 00:23:40,922 Vicki, bring it home. - Oh, thank God. 487 00:23:40,963 --> 00:23:43,132 Okay, well, that concludes my speech about science. 488 00:23:43,174 --> 00:23:46,302 Believe in your dreams! Russian goodbye. 489 00:23:46,344 --> 00:23:49,180 [scattered applause] 490 00:23:51,307 --> 00:23:52,809 - Great job, Vick! 491 00:23:52,850 --> 00:23:54,977 I had no idea you knew all that stuff. 492 00:23:55,019 --> 00:23:56,729 Now just head to the bathroom, 493 00:23:56,771 --> 00:23:58,314 change into the outfit I left you, 494 00:23:58,356 --> 00:23:59,690 and get out here. 495 00:23:59,732 --> 00:24:01,818 By the time they figure out our little trick play, 496 00:24:01,859 --> 00:24:04,070 we'll be long gone. 497 00:24:05,613 --> 00:24:06,739 - Let's go. 498 00:24:08,574 --> 00:24:11,494 Car is out back. - Car? 499 00:24:11,536 --> 00:24:12,829 - We're going to the lab. 500 00:24:12,870 --> 00:24:15,748 - For the synthesis? 501 00:24:17,166 --> 00:24:18,084 - Yeah. 502 00:24:20,169 --> 00:24:23,840 - Do you mind if I use the potty again? 503 00:24:23,881 --> 00:24:25,174 - You're gonna have to hurry that up. 504 00:24:25,216 --> 00:24:27,051 We're on a tight schedule here. - Mm-hmm. 505 00:24:31,556 --> 00:24:33,474 Guys, can you hear me? 506 00:24:33,516 --> 00:24:36,811 They're going to the lab. I think I should go with them. 507 00:24:36,853 --> 00:24:38,855 - Vicki, we already got what we came for. 508 00:24:38,896 --> 00:24:40,148 Now stick to the plan. 509 00:24:40,189 --> 00:24:41,983 - But they think I'm a scientist! 510 00:24:42,024 --> 00:24:44,026 If I can get my hands on Brimstone and destroy it, 511 00:24:44,068 --> 00:24:45,862 we can end this thing once and for all! 512 00:24:45,903 --> 00:24:48,114 - No, it's too dangerous. Leave now! 513 00:24:48,156 --> 00:24:50,241 - But this is just a temporary solution. 514 00:24:50,283 --> 00:24:52,076 Yeah, we've stopped this scientist this time, 515 00:24:52,118 --> 00:24:53,870 but eventually they're gonna find someone else 516 00:24:53,911 --> 00:24:55,163 to synthesize it. - Look, Vicki. 517 00:24:55,204 --> 00:24:57,373 If you go to that lab, we can't protect you. 518 00:24:58,916 --> 00:25:00,460 - I have to take that chance. 519 00:25:01,878 --> 00:25:03,713 - Vicki, please. 520 00:25:03,755 --> 00:25:07,050 If you do this, you will die. 521 00:25:07,091 --> 00:25:10,386 - If I don't, millions of people will die. 522 00:25:10,428 --> 00:25:13,556 - [exhales sharply] Hey, this is a direct order. 523 00:25:13,598 --> 00:25:15,600 Stick to the goddamn plan! 524 00:25:15,641 --> 00:25:17,518 All right? 525 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:19,854 Vicki! 526 00:25:19,896 --> 00:25:22,982 Vicki, did you hear what I said? 527 00:25:24,942 --> 00:25:26,778 - Yeah, I heard exactly what you said. 528 00:25:31,783 --> 00:25:33,117 Plans change. 529 00:25:37,371 --> 00:25:38,581 Take me to the lab. 530 00:25:38,623 --> 00:25:40,291 - After you. 531 00:25:40,333 --> 00:25:42,502 - Vicki, please don't do this! 532 00:25:42,543 --> 00:25:43,753 Vicki! Vicki! 533 00:25:43,795 --> 00:25:46,047 - Vicki, come in! 534 00:25:46,089 --> 00:25:48,007 Vicki! Vicki! 535 00:25:48,049 --> 00:25:49,884 Come on, Vicki! Please! 536 00:25:56,516 --> 00:25:59,435 [dramatic music] 537 00:25:59,477 --> 00:26:06,442 * *