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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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- I remember when I first
started doing stand-up comedy

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on the Uptown Comedy Club
in Harlem.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[chuckles]
Four months later, I was on TV

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00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:15,432
with my boy Martin Lawrence
doing the Def Jam on HBO,

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00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:16,850
"Word is Bond."

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00:00:16,933 --> 00:00:19,769
That led me to
"Saturday Night Live,"

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00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:20,979
where I met Lorne Michaels.

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I was instantly famous,
and I ain't even know

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how to handle it.

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I would dance at tabletops
at the best nightclubs

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like a ghetto superstar.

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I would drink champagne
from a strange chick's shoe.

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I once shitted in my boy's
limousine for no reason.

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I was wild.

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That was then.

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Now I'm a father of four,
a celebrity,

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00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:45,795
a man that was married
for over 20 years,

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gave out food to the people in
the projects where I grew up.

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Since I almost got killed
by that truck, I'm a new man.

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Fuck that!

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I'm the same old Tray-Bags,

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00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,142
and I'm taking it too far.

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00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,395
[crowd chanting "Tracy"]
- He is the last OG.

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Put your hands together
for Tracy Morgan!

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00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,610
[applause]

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[easygoing guitar music]

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♪ ♪

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- ♪ Welcome back. ♪

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♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

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00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,124
♪ Welcome back ♪

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♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

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- Oh!

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Y'all don't even know.

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I needed that, man.

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I was neglected as a child.

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And I did your real talk, man.

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2022, man, a lot of shit
went down

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between the audience members
and comedians, man.

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You all saw it--

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Will Smith, Chris Rock,
Dave Chappelle,

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Craig Robinson, North Carolina.
Y'all saw it.

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Now, you know what?

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I know why all that shit
went down.

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Because there's a lack of love.

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And I'm just here to tell
all of y'all, I love you.

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[cheering]

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But this is 2023 now.

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If one of you motherfuckers
decide to come up here,

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I'ma beat the shit out of you.

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Then I'm gonna cut you
to the fucking white meat.

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Is that clear?

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[cheering]

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Is that clear?

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[cheering]

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You can go now.

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Just don't go far.

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God damn it.

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Let me tell you something.

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If Will Smith were to smack me,

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ain't no fucking award show
tonight.

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You want to get your trophy,
Will Smith?

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You gotta come to me.

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Pull up.
I'm in Brooklyn, murder avenue.

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I'm outside.

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Because you know
if you're a man

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and you let another man
smack you,

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you know what's next.

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He gonna ask you
to suck his dick.

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Point blank.

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You know that smacking shit
is a gateway to sucking dick.

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Come on, man.

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That was a smack heard
around the world.

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Everybody's talking
about the smack.

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Even motherfuckers
fighting the Ukraine War

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was talking about the smack.

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I blame Jada.

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Come on, man.

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Everybody know he wanted
to smack Chris Rock for years.

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He'd been one of those--

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everybody in Hollywood know
that shit.

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I remember I was
having tax problems.

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I called Will up, and I said,
"Yo, Will,

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"I'm having problems
with my money.

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Could you help me out?"

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He said, "Yes, this is
what you do, Tracy.

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"First you get an LLC.

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"Then you get an S Corp
to cover your LLC.

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"That's gonna bring
your private trust.

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"Most importantly of all,

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you smack the shit
out of Chris Rock."

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He smacked Chris Rock
so fucking hard,

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Chris Rock had to start
dating white women.

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White woman
ain't gonna bring it up.

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She ain't gonna say shit.

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But the first argument
with a Black woman,

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she gonna be like, "Ah,

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you Mr. Fucking Tough Guy now?"

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"You gonna talk that shit to
me,

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"but you ain't said shit

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"when Fresh Prince
of fucking Bel-Air

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"smacked the shit
out your ass, nigga.

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"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?

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"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?

106
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,305
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?

107
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,349
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?

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00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,726
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?

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Where was Mr. Fucking Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars?"

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"Shut the fuck up
'fore I kick your ass."

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"Oh!

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"You gonna kick my ass?

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You're gonna ball
your fucking fist up at me?"

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I'm serious, man.

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When I got hit
by that fucking truck,

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I was all fucked up.

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I was all fucked,
cause I had to learn

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how to walk again, talk again,
eat again, and everything.

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And I realized that,
if I could survive that,

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I could survive anything.

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[cheering]

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Boy, was I fucking wrong!

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Because after that,
I got hit by a pandemic,

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divorce papers,
and child support.

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And all three of them shits
is worse.

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I pay a good penny
in child support.

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I pay a good--

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I pay a good penny
in child support.

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Kanye West paid
$200,000 a month.

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If I got to give a woman
$200,000 a month,

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you givin' me more kids, nigga.

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Because I don't pull out.

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Pulling out is
for college kids.

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And I ain't got shit to lose.

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I'm not pulling out, man.

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That's what you get,
because me and Kanye West,

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our marriages
didn't survive COVID.

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You know, that's what you get

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when you fuck
with them Kardashians.

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Them bitches is
a group of demons, man.

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You see Lamar Odom, right?

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He almost went.

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Kanye West is going.

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Bruce Jenner is gone.

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That nigga paid $2 million
for that fucking operation,

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00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,737
and he's still just the fifth
biggest bitch in the house.

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Now, I'm not cutting
my fucking dick off

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for nobody, not even you, Jim.

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If my dick is this big,
it's mine.

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And by the way, fellas,
if your dick is this big,

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you should register
as a disability.

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You should be getting SSI,
nigga.

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You and your fucking
ding-a-ling.

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Come on, man.

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And I ain't believe
in that fucking COVID shit.

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My new girl, she took
that social distancing shit

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too far.

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This chick left my crib,
and I ain't seen her since.

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I call her and said,
"Baby, what you doing?

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You quarantining?"

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She said, "Call it what
the fuck you want to call it.

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I ain't never coming
back to you, nigga."

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00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,865
'Cause I ain't believe
in that COVID shit.

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I ain't believe it
until Idris Elba,

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the Black actor Idris Elba,
got it.

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I said, "Shit, that
hit the fucking fan."

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My aunt says,
"I'd still suck his COVID dick.

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I'd suck that COVID dick."

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She just kept saying it
like she was proud of it.

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"I'd suck that COVID dick."

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I said,
"Shut the fuck up, Lorraine.

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You see these fucking kids
sitting right here?"

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She said, "So?
So?

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They know
I'd suck infected dick."

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Nasty bitch.

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My fucking cousin was paranoid.

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00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,603
That nigga was
paranoid of COVID.

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He had his gloves.
He had his mask.

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He got the shield
for extra protection.

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Then he started fucking
with this chick,

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and she gave him gonorrhea

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because he ain't put
the condom on.

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He has a pre-existing
medical condition.

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Know what it is?
He's a stupid motherfucker.

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Protect every part
of your body but your cock.

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00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,917
Stupid motherfucker.

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00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,753
Walmart took care of me.

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I ain't gonna front.

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00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:45,256
Walmart gave me a grip.

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00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:46,215
They gave me--
they gave me so much money,

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00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,593
I could roll my eyes
at white people.

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I mean, I made
them motherfuckers change

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their whole fleet of trucks.

194
00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:02,231
They side view mirror now says,

195
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,609
"Nigga may appear closer
than it seems."

196
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,447
They think they done
paying me, but we'll see.

197
00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,240
I'll start acting fucked up
in four years.

198
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,367
They're gonna hear
from my attorney.

199
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:16,412
Tracy tried to fuck
his Doberman Pinscher,

200
00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:18,164
and we won $5 million.

201
00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:20,416
The dog won $2 million
for pain and suffering.

202
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,671
I don't give a fuck, man.

203
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,089
But you all got problems.

204
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:28,674
Everybody in this room
got trauma.

205
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,635
Everybody in this fucking room
got trauma.

206
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:32,511
Something happened
to everybody in this room.

207
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:33,763
Everybody in this fucking room,

208
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:36,474
I don't care how cool you look,
you got trauma in your life.

209
00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:38,184
You went to camp
when you was little?

210
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,102
Did you go to camp?

211
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:41,854
You went to camp?
You got finger popped?

212
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:47,443
Now every time you see
a tree, you get triggered?

213
00:08:47,526 --> 00:08:49,737
We all got fucking baggage.

214
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:52,281
Everybody in this fucking room
got baggage.

215
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,450
Mine's just happened
to be Louis Vuitton.

216
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,120
Speaking of Louis Vuitton,
see, I can't--

217
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,706
it's hard for me
to date women now

218
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,458
because they all know
I got money.

219
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:03,793
Everybody know I got hit
by the truck.

220
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,044
Everybody know that.

221
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,298
I thank the Lord it was Walmart
and not Walgreens.

222
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,807
I had one chick go
and text me in CashApp

223
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:23,145
talking about--
she just said, $3,000, help.

224
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,981
Now, I'm a generous man.

225
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,857
You can't just fucking
call me, ask for money.

226
00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:29,277
You must have a good story.

227
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,112
I had one fucking chick
called me up and said,

228
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:33,155
"Listen, my son Craigo

229
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:35,408
"just shot a cop
in Paterson, New Jersey.

230
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:38,369
He's on the run.
He's coming straight to you."

231
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:43,332
I gave her $4,000 immediately.

232
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,167
It was a great story.

233
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:49,088
She had a great story to it.

234
00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:51,173
I mean, one time,
my fucking business manager

235
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,759
gonna call me and say,
"Tracy, did you just give

236
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:55,678
a random woman $4,000?"

237
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,097
I texted him back
the emoji like this.

238
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,690
I don't care, man.

239
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:09,275
I've been
fucking divorced twice.

240
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:10,526
My business manager said,

241
00:10:10,609 --> 00:10:13,195
"If you get married
three more times,

242
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,197
the fifth divorce is free."

243
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,408
So we working that out.

244
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:20,369
It's just hard on the streets.

245
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:24,081
It's hard to be sexy
in your 50s.

246
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,499
It's hard!

247
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,710
If you're in your 50s,
you know it's hard

248
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:28,377
because shit starts to change.

249
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:31,213
You develop that fucking gut.

250
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,175
She's gonna develop that FUPA.

251
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,844
She's gonna get that fat
over pussy, that girth,

252
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,554
that grandmother girth.

253
00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:40,056
She gotta sit
with her legs open

254
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:42,224
because she got that girth.

255
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:43,351
I mean, she an old woman now.

256
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,227
She got that fucking girth.

257
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,937
She gotta sit like this.

258
00:10:50,649 --> 00:10:52,401
Pregnant women, you know,
they get up.

259
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,028
When they get up,
they put their pussy first.

260
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:57,365
They go... [groans]

261
00:10:57,448 --> 00:10:59,241
Get that girth.
It's hard.

262
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:01,744
I'm out there.
I know.

263
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:04,038
And if you don't believe
how hard it is

264
00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:07,249
to be sexy in your 50s,
ask Bobby Brown,

265
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,417
because Bobby Brown was--

266
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,045
he one of the sexiest
motherfuckers

267
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:13,297
in the world one time, right?

268
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,423
Bobby starts singing.

269
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,093
White women, Black women,
Latin women, they love Bobby.

270
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,469
♪ The truth about a Roni ♪

271
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:22,723
♪ She's a sweet little girl ♪

272
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:24,266
♪ You could treat
her right, real nice ♪

273
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,103
♪ And hold her tight ♪

274
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,480
Women went crazy. [screams]

275
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:32,733
Now that nigga look fucked up.

276
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:33,150
He from out here.

277
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,403
He look busted.

278
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,488
That nigga look
like Buster Douglas.

279
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:40,199
That nigga look
like Reverend TD Jakes

280
00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,910
in the group.

281
00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:44,620
That nigga look fucked up.

282
00:11:44,703 --> 00:11:46,914
I mean, New Edition was doing
they shit at the concert.

283
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:49,291
That nigga Bobby look
fucked up.

284
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,627
He was struggling.

285
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:55,089
That nigga's stomach
was all big.

286
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:57,967
Nigga was breathing heavy,
out of shape.

287
00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,051
Nigga's clothes didn't fit.

288
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,511
This nigga thought
he was young Bobby

289
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:01,637
on the stage talking about--

290
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,098
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪

291
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,475
♪ I really don't care ♪

292
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:10,062
♪ That's my prerogative ♪

293
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,523
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪

294
00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:18,571
♪ I really don't care ♪

295
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:21,031
Know what?
This one was doing their shit!

296
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,491
This nigga Bobby
was all out of shape,

297
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,286
all fucked up,
breathing heavy,

298
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:28,664
leaning on a drum set.

299
00:12:28,747 --> 00:12:30,499
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪

300
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,668
[pants]

301
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:35,671
♪ I really don't care ♪

302
00:12:35,754 --> 00:12:37,298
They were fucked up.

303
00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:44,263
[patting]

304
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:45,890
Y'all women hear that shit?

305
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,767
That's an aphrodisiac,
like oysters.

306
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,813
Nigga was fucked up.

307
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,732
I ain't never seen
a belly button

308
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:57,526
that fucking deep.

309
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,904
This nigga belly button
was deep.

310
00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,906
You could get discharge
on your arm

311
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,158
fucking this nigga
in the stomach.

312
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:06,410
You find all kind of shit
in this belly button--

313
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,829
dice, change,
old pictures of Whitney.

314
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,714
This nigga belly button
was fucking deep.

315
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:22,259
Fuck that.
I love discharge.

316
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:23,302
I like when that shit
drop in your panties.

317
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:26,764
I put that shit on my salad.

318
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:27,890
It look just like Parmesan.

319
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,978
Al Green was
at the concert, y'all.

320
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,563
Al Green showed up.

321
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,525
That nigga Al Green
was sexy back in the day.

322
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,735
♪ Love and happiness ♪

323
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:42,738
♪ Something that can make you
do wrong, make you do right ♪

324
00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:46,450
That nigga was singing,
but he had hernia balls.

325
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,786
Hey had my grandfather balls.

326
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:52,122
How the fuck your scrotum
get that big?

327
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:55,668
The balls was little,
but the scrotum was huge.

328
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,044
The fuck?

329
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,254
My grandfather balls.

330
00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:00,548
I never want
my grandfather balls.

331
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,258
I don't want that shit.
I want my shit.

332
00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:03,884
That's why I soak my balls
in olive oil every night.

333
00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:10,599
Get that inflammation
out of there.

334
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,644
Gotta get that inflammation
out of there, goddammit!

335
00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:16,397
Yeah, from my grandmother,
she talked

336
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,774
about my grandfather balls
all the time.

337
00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:21,777
"Your grandfather had
some big-ass balls."

338
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:24,113
"Grandma, I don't wanna talk
about grandpa balls.

339
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,114
Oh, fuck."
"I thought you said you wanted

340
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:27,783
to know your family tree,
where you come from."

341
00:14:27,866 --> 00:14:29,868
"Yes, I wanna know
where I come from."

342
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:32,413
"You come from your
grandfather's big-ass balls."

343
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:37,334
I don't wanna do that shit.

344
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,920
I want my balls to look right,
tight like I'm 16.

345
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,424
I mean, I got
a pretty dick, too.

346
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:44,925
You know, a pretty dick.

347
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,969
The shaft is skinny,
but the head is bulbous.

348
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,306
Big, bulbous dick head.

349
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:53,392
I got some mean dick.

350
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,102
The mouth of my dick
look like this.

351
00:14:57,688 --> 00:15:01,859
Mean dick, hit you with
the mean dick, goddamn it.

352
00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:03,110
You want some mean dick?

353
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,697
I don't fuck around.

354
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:09,241
I don't fucking pull out,
goddamn it.

355
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:10,743
I told y'all that.

356
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:17,416
My grandfather teabagged
my grandmother one time

357
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,210
and put her in a fucking coma
for six months.

358
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:24,340
She came out the coma.

359
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:28,260
He went up to the hospital
and teabagged her again,

360
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,679
put her
in another fucking coma.

361
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,599
The doctor said,
"Down goes Frazier."

362
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,811
Hey, I'm from Brooklyn.

363
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:40,898
I'm from Brooklyn,
but it ain't where you from,

364
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:41,899
it's where you're at.

365
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:42,399
I'm out here and bossin'
with y'all.

366
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,526
I love y'all, man.

367
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,695
I'm from Brooklyn, man.

368
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:47,988
Brooklyn in the house.

369
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:49,323
[crowd cheering]

370
00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:50,491
You could go to Russia.

371
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:52,701
They know about Brooklyn,
nigga.

372
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,703
Motherfuckers from Brooklyn.
Brooklyn is changing.

373
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,830
Brooklyn is
becoming gentrified.

374
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,832
Brooklyn is becoming ge--
if you in this room,

375
00:15:58,916 --> 00:15:59,708
and you don't know
what gentrification is,

376
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,544
gentrification is
when white people

377
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,046
move into your neighborhood,

378
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:05,881
the property value
goes through the roof,

379
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:08,425
and niggas gotta move out.

380
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,220
I'm sorry, that's just
the way the fuck it is.

381
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,930
But since I got hit
by that truck,

382
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:15,057
I'm doing something
I never did before.

383
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:18,060
I'm moving
into your fucking neighborhood.

384
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:20,938
And the property values
are gonna plummet.

385
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:22,564
Rock fucking bottom.

386
00:16:24,983 --> 00:16:26,735
And I'm getting all
y'all daughters pregnant.

387
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,237
[laughter]

388
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,197
Gonna be a lot
of mulatto kids running around

389
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,198
this fucking neighborhood.

390
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:32,449
And I'm a good daddy.

391
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,701
I'll come back
every ten years and say,

392
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,577
"I'm your fucking daddy, nigga.

393
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,912
Your mama upstairs?"

394
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:41,542
I'm in my neighborhood.

395
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:42,960
My fucking white neighbors
are heated.

396
00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:44,753
Why the nigga moving
next door to me,

397
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,005
bringing my property value
down?

398
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:47,923
One of them gonna knock
on my door the other day,

399
00:16:48,006 --> 00:16:49,425
talking about,
"So what do you do?"

400
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,427
I said, "About what?"

401
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:54,221
[laughter]

402
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:55,764
I know the nigga
ain't know who I was.

403
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,558
So I said, "You know the straws
you drink

404
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,101
your Coca-Cola with
at McDonald's?"

405
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,019
He said, "Yeah."
I said, "I make those."

406
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:02,604
[laughter]

407
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:03,439
He said, "Great,
I make the lids.

408
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,233
We should hook up."
I said, "Fuck you.

409
00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:10,779
Tray don't hang out
with lid makers."

410
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,782
I'm serious, man.

411
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,827
My fucking-- I don't--
as we speak right now,

412
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,245
I don't got a GED.

413
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:19,455
But you know what I just
found out

414
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:20,414
I live right next door to?

415
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:23,917
I live right next door
to the CEO of Pepsi.

416
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:26,712
The CEO of Pepsi,
she's an Asian woman.

417
00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:29,923
And she came over to my house
with a housewarming gift.

418
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,133
And I was thrown

419
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:31,800
'cause one
of the most kindest things

420
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,969
anyone has ever done for me.

421
00:17:34,052 --> 00:17:36,346
And I told her,
"First off, I love you.

422
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:38,140
"I wish to be
a good neighbor to you.

423
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:39,767
"I won't start no trouble.

424
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,810
"And if you ever need
to borrow a cup of sugar,

425
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:46,190
"and your husband
is not home...

426
00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:48,817
"please don't hesitate
to knock on my door,

427
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,319
because you can get some sugar
and some mean dick."

428
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:55,657
[laughter]

429
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,243
And then I told her,
"It would be an honor

430
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:03,373
for me to one day get hit
by one of your trucks."

431
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:03,957
Fuck that, Walmart.

432
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,752
Pepsi, nigga, I'm paid.

433
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:07,419
Walmart and Pepsi?

434
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:09,505
I'm paid.

435
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,048
Paid in full.

436
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:13,634
Or to the beat,
beat, check it out.

437
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,222
I come
from a great, great family,

438
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:19,515
but they were
a little dysfunctional.

439
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:22,017
My family was crazy.

440
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,019
My fucking Aunt Lorraine--
like I told you,

441
00:18:24,102 --> 00:18:24,978
it was hard to date
in your 50s.

442
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,815
My Aunt Lorraine,
she's 54 years old,

443
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,316
can't get a man,
can't keep a man.

444
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:29,983
So she's gonna start watching

445
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,444
that "Life After Lockup" shit.

446
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:33,362
She start watching her "Life"--

447
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:36,156
so now she only fucked
with men in prison.

448
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,408
I said, "What the fuck is
wrong with you, Lorraine?

449
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:40,077
"All these free men out here.

450
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,370
Why don't you date
one of them?"

451
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,747
She gonna tell me, "At least
I know where mine is at."

452
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,083
[laughter]

453
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:48,794
"Lights out at 9:00 for mine.

454
00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:50,420
He might be cheating,
but it ain't with no woman."

455
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:54,424
[laughter]

456
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:55,926
Fucked up family.

457
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:57,219
Then there's my Uncle Clyde.

458
00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:59,888
This motherfucker been
in prison for 38 years.

459
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,432
Who the fuck does that?

460
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:04,226
38 years?

461
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,644
Come on, 38 years.

462
00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:07,479
And he wrote me a letter,
and I received it

463
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:08,647
when I was in the hospital.

464
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,274
And it said, "Dear Tracy,
you're a prince.

465
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:12,818
"My brother Jimmy did
a great job with you.

466
00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:14,278
"I'm glad you're healing
and you're getting well.

467
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,239
"And when I find out
which truck driver hit you,

468
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:18,532
I will kill him."

469
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:24,079
Now we know why you're doing
38 years, you son of a bitch.

470
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,164
"P.S., I'm graduating
high school.

471
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:27,165
Come see me."

472
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,917
[laughter]

473
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,752
You did 38 years in prison

474
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,045
and you're just getting
your GED?

475
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,422
Come on.

476
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,716
[laughter]

477
00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,551
So I draw up to see the nigga.

478
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:38,927
I'm gonna make
a connection with him.

479
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,470
I don't know him.
38 years in prison.

480
00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:41,263
I don't know
who the fuck you are.

481
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:43,724
You ain't been
a part of my life.

482
00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:45,267
So let me go up there
and see this nigga.

483
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,936
So I drove over to the prison,
Elmira State Penitentiary.

484
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,439
I went up there
to see the nigga.

485
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,608
I get up there, and the prison
system got these niggas

486
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:54,318
so programmed and fucked up,

487
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:55,777
they got them actually thinking

488
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,821
they gonna get their diploma
and go off to college.

489
00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,197
[laughter]

490
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:00,782
That's not gonna happen.

491
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,618
You gonna get
this fucking piece of paper,

492
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:03,452
and you gonna take
yours back to your cell.

493
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:06,914
[laughter]

494
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,165
It's fucked up.

495
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:09,708
It got weirder and weirder
as I was getting--

496
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:11,460
you know you graduate
high school.

497
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,337
You got your cap
and gown on, right?

498
00:20:13,420 --> 00:20:16,632
But underneath, these niggas
got the state-issued greens.

499
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:17,466
And you graduate.

500
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:19,176
You throw your cap up
in the air.

501
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,218
Yeah, I graduated!

502
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:21,720
One nigga got stabbed to death.

503
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,348
[laughter]

504
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:26,058
It's fucked up.
They got these niggas.

505
00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:27,809
They murderers.
They kidnappers.

506
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,227
They rapists.

507
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,312
They fucking extortion--
all these motherfuckers

508
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:35,609
on a stage singing
a graduation song, crying.

509
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,277
These fucking killers
is crying.

510
00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:38,278
They up there,

511
00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:41,365
♪ How do I ♪

512
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,451
♪ Say goodbye ♪

513
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:48,705
♪ To what we had? ♪

514
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,540
I said, "Let me get
the fuck out of here,

515
00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:51,833
"'cause one of these murderers
is off key,

516
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:53,460
and he's fucking up the song."

517
00:20:53,543 --> 00:20:56,421
[laughter]

518
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,680
I feel like I'm on my living
room with my family, y'all.

519
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,306
- Yeah!
[cheering and applause]

520
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:07,474
- Word up, being funny.

521
00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:09,768
[applause]

522
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:11,478
We got '80s babies in here?

523
00:21:11,561 --> 00:21:12,688
We got anybody born
in the '80s in here?

524
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,731
Make some noise!

525
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:15,941
[crowd cheering]

526
00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:18,110
You was born in the '80s.

527
00:21:18,193 --> 00:21:20,404
The '80s.

528
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:24,116
If you was born in the '80s,
you are a fucking crack baby.

529
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:26,201
[laughter]

530
00:21:26,284 --> 00:21:28,745
You fucking crack babies.

531
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:30,247
You know you're a crack baby.

532
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:33,542
Look in the mirror, say,
"I'm a crack baby."

533
00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:37,045
Fucking crack baby.

534
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,172
Everybody in this room got
a crackhead in they family.

535
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:40,882
I don't give a fuck
what color you are,

536
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,719
what class you are, or nothing.

537
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,220
You got a crackhead
in your family.

538
00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:48,265
What happened to
your ColecoVision?

539
00:21:48,348 --> 00:21:51,685
You know exactly what happened
to that microwave.

540
00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:52,644
Gone!

541
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:54,396
[laughter]

542
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:56,273
You know crackheads
steal shit,

543
00:21:56,356 --> 00:21:59,234
anything that ain't nailed
down.

544
00:21:59,317 --> 00:22:01,903
I had a crackhead in my family.
His name was DeAndre.

545
00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:04,948
You know you're a crackhead
when it's an announcement

546
00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:07,075
you come to the house.

547
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:09,411
My aunt was like, "Everybody,
DeAndre's in the driveway."

548
00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:12,831
My other aunt said,
"Let me get my purse.

549
00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:15,667
"He ain't gonna get me again.
He ain't gonna get me again.

550
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:17,711
"He got me
for 40 fucking dollars.

551
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,463
He ain't gonna get me again."

552
00:22:19,546 --> 00:22:21,465
My other aunt was like,
"Give him a second chance."

553
00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:24,426
"Bitch, I gave him
five second chances.

554
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:28,930
He stole my son's
Tyco Nite Glow racetrack."

555
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:32,017
My other aunt was,
"He ain't gonna change."

556
00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:34,227
You ain't got that aunt that
say, "He ain't gonna change."

557
00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:38,607
"He ain't gonna change.
He ain't gonna change!

558
00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:40,275
He ain't gonna change."

559
00:22:40,358 --> 00:22:41,693
She made a song of that shit.

560
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:42,944
♪ He ain't gonna change ♪

561
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:43,945
♪ He ain't gonna change ♪

562
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:47,324
♪ He ain't gonna change ♪
I said bitch, please.

563
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:49,409
- Trace, tell 'em
about your gay boy.

564
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,244
- Nigga, shut the fuck up!

565
00:22:51,328 --> 00:22:53,080
[laughter]

566
00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:53,789
Fucking tell me what
to say up here, nigga.

567
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:55,123
Shut the fuck up.

568
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:59,294
Be happy you
in the front, nigga.

569
00:22:59,377 --> 00:23:03,548
Yell out
at a fucking taping, nigga.

570
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:04,758
Nigga waiting for that moment.

571
00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:05,175
"Yo, Tray, tell them about"--

572
00:23:05,258 --> 00:23:07,219
Shut the fuck up.

573
00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:09,262
Stop looking at my shit.

574
00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:12,599
This is something new.

575
00:23:12,682 --> 00:23:16,853
You know, white America is
losing they fucking mind again.

576
00:23:16,937 --> 00:23:20,941
Y'all losing your mind 'cause
the Little Mermaid is Black.

577
00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:22,859
You saw the fucking commercial.

578
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:26,196
The Little Mermaid is a nigga.

579
00:23:26,279 --> 00:23:27,864
The Little Mermaid is Black.

580
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:30,951
It's racist to think that
we can't do what you do.

581
00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:32,160
It ain't like she's gonna jump

582
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:33,328
in the water to save nobody.

583
00:23:33,411 --> 00:23:35,664
She just got her hair done.

584
00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:38,250
And she is not
fucking up her perm.

585
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:39,417
What she will be doing
is sitting on the rock,

586
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:42,838
arguing with Aquaman
over child support.

587
00:23:42,921 --> 00:23:44,631
You need to come see
your fucking daughters,

588
00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:48,009
Aquaman, Mr. Fucking Aquaman.

589
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,345
You swimming around with sharks
and dolphins and shit.

590
00:23:50,428 --> 00:23:52,764
You need to come see
your fucking daughter, Aquaman.

591
00:23:52,848 --> 00:23:55,058
Batman been wanting
my fucking phone number.

592
00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:57,227
I know I shoulda gave
this pussy to Shazam.

593
00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:58,979
[laughter]

594
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,358
Cinderella's next.

595
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:06,444
Cinderella gonna be wearing
box braids.

596
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:08,071
Some nigga name Leon gonna
pick her up in the Cadillac

597
00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:11,324
and take her up
to the rib shack.

598
00:24:11,408 --> 00:24:13,702
White people call
her Cinderella.

599
00:24:13,785 --> 00:24:15,245
We call her Peaches.

600
00:24:15,328 --> 00:24:17,289
[laughter]

601
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:21,209
I'm just glad
the holidays are over.

602
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:23,545
I get stressed out
with the fucking holidays.

603
00:24:23,628 --> 00:24:26,256
Fucking--Chris-- I don't
celebrate Christmas.

604
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:28,216
Santa Claus real name is Kurt.

605
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:32,846
He's a registered sex offender
out of Salt Lake City, Utah.

606
00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:34,181
Fucking pervert.

607
00:24:34,264 --> 00:24:38,059
That's why he hang out
in malls with kids on his lap.

608
00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:39,394
His wife's name is Yvette.

609
00:24:39,477 --> 00:24:40,687
She sucked my dick in Queens.

610
00:24:40,770 --> 00:24:42,731
[laughter]

611
00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:43,732
She used to be a stripper.

612
00:24:43,815 --> 00:24:45,358
Fuck that bitch, man.

613
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:47,569
Fucking Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

614
00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:49,821
Everybody here know
why his fucking nose was red.

615
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:51,907
That's that cocaine.

616
00:24:51,990 --> 00:24:55,660
Straight from fucking Bolivia,
ain't even been stepped on.

617
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:56,912
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

618
00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:59,080
That's why they won't let him
play the little reindeer games:

619
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:02,042
because he gonna fucking hurt
somebody out there.

620
00:25:02,125 --> 00:25:05,003
He's coked out
his fucking mind.

621
00:25:05,086 --> 00:25:07,589
He gonna hurt
somebody out there.

622
00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:09,090
Certain holidays
should be outlawed.

623
00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:11,384
Certain ho--like Halloween.

624
00:25:11,468 --> 00:25:13,136
Just recently,
it was in YouTube.

625
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:15,722
It was all over Instagram.

626
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,100
A six-year-old child
shot a teacher.

627
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,102
A six-year-old child
shot a teacher.

628
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:22,896
What fucking kind of world
are we living in?

629
00:25:22,979 --> 00:25:23,605
And you want
these motherfuckers

630
00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:25,649
to trick or treat
at your house?

631
00:25:25,732 --> 00:25:27,442
[laughter]

632
00:25:27,525 --> 00:25:29,069
This past October,

633
00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:30,820
one came and trick or treated
at my house.

634
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:32,697
He ain't even say,
trick or treat.

635
00:25:32,781 --> 00:25:34,991
He's supposed to be a ghost,
but his sheet was black.

636
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:36,952
I said, "Who the fuck is you?"
He said, "I'm a ghost."

637
00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:38,161
I said, "Why your sheet
is black?"

638
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:38,870
He said, "I'm keeping it real."

639
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:41,456
[laughter]

640
00:25:41,539 --> 00:25:43,792
This nigga ain't even say
"trick or treat."

641
00:25:43,875 --> 00:25:45,418
He just show me the gun.
"The bag, nigga."

642
00:25:45,502 --> 00:25:46,461
[laughter]

643
00:25:46,544 --> 00:25:47,837
"Put the candy
in the bag, nigga,

644
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:51,132
before I blow your fucking..."

645
00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:53,635
You can't do that shit.

646
00:25:55,637 --> 00:25:58,473
I gotta let my ladies know
that I'm dating again.

647
00:25:58,556 --> 00:26:00,684
I'm dating again.
[crowd cheering]

648
00:26:00,767 --> 00:26:01,268
I'm dating again, man.

649
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:03,603
My divorce was finalized.

650
00:26:03,687 --> 00:26:05,146
I don't know what y'all females
gonna do

651
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:09,693
with all this dick back
out on the market.

652
00:26:09,776 --> 00:26:12,487
I'm dating again.
I'm on Tinder.

653
00:26:12,570 --> 00:26:14,781
My Tinder profile
is a Walmart truck

654
00:26:14,864 --> 00:26:17,033
dropping off a bag of money
on my front lawn.

655
00:26:17,117 --> 00:26:20,996
[laughter]

656
00:26:21,079 --> 00:26:23,373
That's the profile.

657
00:26:23,456 --> 00:26:24,582
I'm a grown man now.

658
00:26:24,666 --> 00:26:26,918
I know what I want in a woman.

659
00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:27,585
I see all the beautiful lady--

660
00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:29,379
I know what I want in a woman.

661
00:26:29,462 --> 00:26:30,547
My woman has to have
low integrity.

662
00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:34,342
Low integrity.

663
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:35,927
I once dated a woman
with integrity,

664
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,471
and she was nothing
but fucking trouble.

665
00:26:38,555 --> 00:26:41,224
Always had
to fucking answer to shit.

666
00:26:41,308 --> 00:26:42,726
She got to have
the low self-esteem.

667
00:26:42,809 --> 00:26:43,310
My lady need low self-esteem.

668
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:46,646
Her shit gotta be down.

669
00:26:46,730 --> 00:26:49,149
She gotta have
serious daddy issues.

670
00:26:49,232 --> 00:26:52,944
She's gotta have
a strong fucking neck...

671
00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:54,195
good knees.

672
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:56,448
She need good knees.

673
00:26:56,531 --> 00:26:58,992
And she gonna be down there,
so she need them good knees.

674
00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:00,535
Strong knees,
you know what I mean?

675
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:03,997
Good fucking knees.

676
00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:06,791
Take a long time
for me to come.

677
00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:11,129
You're gonna be down there
for a minute.

678
00:27:11,212 --> 00:27:12,630
Pack your lunch
and all of that.

679
00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:14,758
[laughter]

680
00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:17,761
You're gonna suck this dick.

681
00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:19,220
Your jawbone gonna swell up.

682
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:23,558
I'm just tired of women
telling me

683
00:27:23,641 --> 00:27:25,685
about all
of their accomplishments.

684
00:27:25,769 --> 00:27:28,813
"I have an associate's.
I have a bachelor."

685
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:31,399
I be like,
"Bitch, are we fucking?

686
00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:35,111
"I ain't getting in bed
with you to get no knowledge.

687
00:27:35,195 --> 00:27:37,989
Trying to get this dick sucked,
and I got a pretty dick."

688
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:45,080
I mean, I appreciate it.

689
00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:49,000
There are women in the world
that broke the glass ceiling.

690
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:50,710
They want equal pay.

691
00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:51,252
They want equal rights.

692
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,213
They want equal respect.

693
00:27:53,296 --> 00:27:55,423
And I applaud you.

694
00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:57,050
I applaud you.

695
00:27:57,133 --> 00:27:58,051
But that's not
the chick I want.

696
00:27:58,134 --> 00:28:00,595
[laughter]

697
00:28:00,678 --> 00:28:03,264
I'm looking for that
gold-digging bitch in the club.

698
00:28:03,348 --> 00:28:06,101
She missin' an eyelash,
a fucking broken wing,

699
00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:08,645
missing a stiletto.

700
00:28:08,728 --> 00:28:10,897
She got dry vomit
on her halter top.

701
00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:12,607
That's the bitch
I'm trying to get into the car.

702
00:28:12,690 --> 00:28:14,275
Come on, baby, I got you.
Let's go.

703
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:15,276
Come on, now.
Come on.

704
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,654
I got you.
I got that.

705
00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:18,863
That's the bitch.
If you're looking

706
00:28:18,947 --> 00:28:21,533
for a Birkin life
with no self-respect,

707
00:28:21,616 --> 00:28:22,909
I'm your one-stop shop.

708
00:28:22,992 --> 00:28:25,078
[laughter]

709
00:28:26,704 --> 00:28:28,957
That's me.

710
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,126
I see a lot of couples in here.

711
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:32,877
I see a lot of couples here.

712
00:28:32,961 --> 00:28:33,420
Y'all look beautiful.

713
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:36,089
Stay that way, you know?

714
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:37,632
Stay that way, you know I mean?

715
00:28:37,715 --> 00:28:40,927
My Black girls, my Latin girls,
my Asian girls,

716
00:28:41,010 --> 00:28:41,970
my white girls.

717
00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:43,138
♪ Freaks all over the world ♪

718
00:28:43,221 --> 00:28:45,515
[laughter]

719
00:28:45,598 --> 00:28:48,143
I love my freaks, man.
Y'all look good together.

720
00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:49,561
It's couples, man.
I remember--

721
00:28:49,644 --> 00:28:53,022
I remember
having my first girlfriend.

722
00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:54,482
I was about 18, 19 years old.

723
00:28:54,566 --> 00:28:56,568
My first girlfriend,
she was the little cutie,

724
00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:59,237
little red bone,
had deep, fucking dimples,

725
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:00,280
had long black hair.

726
00:29:00,363 --> 00:29:01,823
She had green eyes.

727
00:29:01,906 --> 00:29:04,576
She had green fucking eyes.

728
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:08,079
Only thing fucked up with Dawn
was that she had a wooden arm.

729
00:29:09,914 --> 00:29:12,667
Her hand looked
like she was holding a cart.

730
00:29:12,750 --> 00:29:15,670
Boy, that was
my fucking baby girl.

731
00:29:15,753 --> 00:29:17,464
I remember one time
I was caressing her shoulders,

732
00:29:17,547 --> 00:29:19,924
and I got a splinter.

733
00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:22,594
A fucking wooden arm.

734
00:29:22,677 --> 00:29:24,053
Her mom's go to work at night.

735
00:29:24,137 --> 00:29:24,637
Me and her jump
right in the shower.

736
00:29:24,721 --> 00:29:26,514
We get out of the shower.

737
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:28,433
I put lotion
all over my body for her.

738
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:30,351
I was being sexy, put lotion--
this bitch was over there

739
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:31,811
spraying Pledge.

740
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:32,896
[laughter]

741
00:29:41,779 --> 00:29:47,327
Went through two cans
spraying that Pledge.

742
00:29:47,410 --> 00:29:49,412
That was my baby girl.
We used to go out to party.

743
00:29:49,496 --> 00:29:51,539
We used to party hearty.

744
00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:53,291
DJ be like,
"Throw your hands in the air.:

745
00:29:53,374 --> 00:29:56,169
This bitch be like, "Hey."

746
00:29:56,252 --> 00:29:58,421
"Wave it like you
just don't care."

747
00:29:58,505 --> 00:30:02,342
[laughter]

748
00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:09,349
[cheers and applause]

749
00:30:14,562 --> 00:30:15,355
You know when Black girls
get to weaving they hair,

750
00:30:15,438 --> 00:30:17,649
they get the weave pat, right?

751
00:30:17,732 --> 00:30:20,026
This bitch almost
knocked herself out

752
00:30:20,109 --> 00:30:21,444
with that weave pat.

753
00:30:21,528 --> 00:30:22,987
We had a bad breakup.

754
00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:25,031
I took my wooden arm back
and made a coffee table.

755
00:30:25,114 --> 00:30:28,159
[laughter]

756
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,748
I see a lot of couples in here.
Y'all look good.

757
00:30:33,831 --> 00:30:34,958
[crowd cheering]

758
00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:37,210
Hey, everybody got
their preference.

759
00:30:37,293 --> 00:30:39,504
Everybody got they preference.

760
00:30:39,587 --> 00:30:40,421
I see all y'all.

761
00:30:40,505 --> 00:30:43,800
Everybody got
their preference, you know?

762
00:30:43,883 --> 00:30:46,010
I got my own.
I love Dominican women.

763
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:47,595
[crowd cheering]
I love--

764
00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:49,931
Ooh, see, they all around.

765
00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:50,265
The DR right here.

766
00:30:50,348 --> 00:30:52,183
That's DR.

767
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:55,228
You from Sosua?

768
00:30:55,311 --> 00:30:57,355
That's DR. I love DR.

769
00:30:57,438 --> 00:30:59,941
It's something
about a Dominican woman

770
00:31:00,024 --> 00:31:02,068
when they go, "Ay, papi."

771
00:31:02,151 --> 00:31:03,236
[laughter]

772
00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:05,029
"Ay, papi."

773
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:07,198
That get my dick
so fucking hard.

774
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:08,783
She like, "Ay, papi."

775
00:31:08,866 --> 00:31:10,285
I'm remember one time,
I was having dinner

776
00:31:10,368 --> 00:31:11,703
with this Dominican woman,

777
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:12,412
and she ain't appreciate
the fact that she was having

778
00:31:12,495 --> 00:31:14,747
dinner with Tracy Morgan.

779
00:31:14,831 --> 00:31:16,958
She's gonna say to me,
"[speaks Spanish] papi,

780
00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:18,918
I need $1,080 to pay my rent."

781
00:31:19,002 --> 00:31:22,755
I said, "That's where you
fucked up from the gate.

782
00:31:22,839 --> 00:31:24,799
"You fucking the wrong nigga.

783
00:31:24,882 --> 00:31:26,884
You should be fucking
your landlord."

784
00:31:26,968 --> 00:31:29,137
[laughter]

785
00:31:29,220 --> 00:31:30,638
She said, "Ay, papi."

786
00:31:30,722 --> 00:31:33,016
I said, "Let me pay
this bitch rent.

787
00:31:33,099 --> 00:31:34,767
"Fucking around with this shit.

788
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,894
Goddamn it.
What you need, two months?"

789
00:31:36,978 --> 00:31:39,939
[laughter]

790
00:31:40,023 --> 00:31:42,150
One time, I met
this fucking Dominican woman.

791
00:31:42,233 --> 00:31:42,817
Just got off the boat,
ain't speak

792
00:31:42,900 --> 00:31:45,695
no fucking English, not a drop.

793
00:31:45,778 --> 00:31:47,822
So in my mind, I said, "Ooh,

794
00:31:47,905 --> 00:31:49,365
"I could talk nasty
to this chick

795
00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:51,242
"and she won't even understand.

796
00:31:51,326 --> 00:31:55,330
So I said to her, "I'ma eat
your pussy till I burp."

797
00:31:55,413 --> 00:31:57,999
She said, "Sí, sí, sí, sí."

798
00:31:58,082 --> 00:31:58,666
I said,
"Then I'ma make you suck

799
00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:01,044
this big bulbous dickhead."

800
00:32:01,127 --> 00:32:03,004
She said, "Sí, sí, sí, sí."

801
00:32:03,087 --> 00:32:05,840
I said, "Then I'ma fuck
the shit out of you."

802
00:32:05,923 --> 00:32:06,924
She said, "Sí, sí, sí."

803
00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:09,302
And then she said,
"Then you gonna give me

804
00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:11,512
$1,080 to pay my rent."

805
00:32:11,596 --> 00:32:13,222
I go "Oh, shit!

806
00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:15,266
She know how to talk
English quick."

807
00:32:15,350 --> 00:32:19,437
She said, "Sí, sí, sí, sí."

808
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,648
I love Dominicans, man.

809
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:23,650
I spend more money
on Dominicans

810
00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:25,610
than the Yankees spend
on their farm team.

811
00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:25,902
[laughter]

812
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:34,410
I love them from DR.
I'm divorced now, so I'm free.

813
00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:35,536
I got two women in my life
that I'm dealing with,

814
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:36,871
one Black and one Dominican.

815
00:32:36,954 --> 00:32:40,792
My Latin lover,
she calls me her mi amor.

816
00:32:40,875 --> 00:32:42,919
She says, you are my mi amor.

817
00:32:43,002 --> 00:32:44,754
My Black woman goes,
"This nigga!"

818
00:32:44,837 --> 00:32:47,882
[laughter]

819
00:32:47,965 --> 00:32:49,717
I'm telling you,
I had to let one--one time,

820
00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:52,136
I had to let
a Dominican woman go.

821
00:32:52,220 --> 00:32:53,388
She reprogrammed
my fucking remote control

822
00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:56,641
to all Spanish.

823
00:32:56,724 --> 00:32:59,769
I don't want to look at
"The First 48" in subtitles.

824
00:32:59,852 --> 00:33:01,396
[laughter]

825
00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:04,732
How the fuck I'ma know who shot
Trayvon seven times

826
00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:07,235
in front
of the 7-Eleven in Memphis?

827
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:09,153
[laughter]

828
00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:10,530
Fucking wanna read.

829
00:33:10,613 --> 00:33:10,988
That's why I dropped
out of high school.

830
00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:14,659
I ain't feel like reading.

831
00:33:16,327 --> 00:33:19,747
I'm telling you,
man, Dominican women.

832
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:22,166
I love a Domi--
but no more young girls.

833
00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:22,917
- Papi!
- No more young girls.

834
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,711
No more--there's
a young Black--

835
00:33:24,794 --> 00:33:27,130
they wiling out back there.

836
00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:29,757
Fucking young girls.

837
00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:32,135
Young girls, they
want too much for $2.

838
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:33,970
[laughter]

839
00:33:34,053 --> 00:33:36,597
$2.
Come on, man.

840
00:33:36,681 --> 00:33:37,932
Young girls is aggressive,

841
00:33:38,015 --> 00:33:39,100
and they know
what the fuck they want.

842
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:42,562
I have one say,
"I'm not fucking around, okay?

843
00:33:42,645 --> 00:33:45,481
"I want my eggs cracked,
meaning I want a child.

844
00:33:45,565 --> 00:33:47,859
"I want my name dropped,
meaning I want to be married.

845
00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:50,611
"I'm not fucking
with you, okay?

846
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,029
"I'm not your bed maiden.

847
00:33:52,113 --> 00:33:53,114
"I'm not your maid.

848
00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:54,198
"I'm not your floozy.

849
00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:55,616
"I'm not your other bitch.

850
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:56,492
"I'm gonna need something

851
00:33:56,576 --> 00:33:58,077
"a little bit more substantial
from you.

852
00:33:58,161 --> 00:33:59,829
"Now, I know I'm not all there.

853
00:33:59,912 --> 00:34:01,122
"Sometimes I wig out.

854
00:34:01,205 --> 00:34:05,042
But I know one thing:
I am good to you."

855
00:34:05,126 --> 00:34:06,169
And then I told her,

856
00:34:06,252 --> 00:34:08,963
"I just want a Big Mac,
small fries, and a Coke.

857
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:12,300
"I don't know you.
I don't know your life.

858
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:15,011
"I just would like a Big Mac,
small fries, and a Coke.

859
00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:16,888
"Please put napkins in the bag

860
00:34:16,971 --> 00:34:18,181
"and give me
six extra barbecue sauces

861
00:34:18,264 --> 00:34:21,809
because my daughter just
ordered some chicken nuggets."

862
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,770
[laughter]

863
00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:26,355
"That's all I want."

864
00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:29,817
No more fucking young girls.

865
00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:31,152
Young girls is crazy.

866
00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:33,488
They either wanna go to
the club and dance all night,

867
00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:35,072
or they wanna go home and fuck.

868
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:36,491
Now, I'm 54 years old.

869
00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:37,825
I ain't got the energy
for that shit.

870
00:34:37,909 --> 00:34:38,409
It's either one or the other.

871
00:34:38,493 --> 00:34:40,870
[laughter]

872
00:34:40,953 --> 00:34:41,454
You want to go to the club
and dance all night?

873
00:34:41,537 --> 00:34:43,831
Cool.

874
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:45,541
You get two songs, and one
of them better be slow.

875
00:34:45,625 --> 00:34:47,293
[laughter]

876
00:34:47,376 --> 00:34:48,544
You want to go home and fuck,

877
00:34:48,628 --> 00:34:50,546
you get six strokes
and a bullshit excuse.

878
00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:51,881
[laughter]

879
00:34:51,964 --> 00:34:54,425
You know I got shit
to do the morning.

880
00:34:54,509 --> 00:34:55,551
Craig and them bringing
that truck down,

881
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:59,514
and, we got to move all
that furniture off the block.

882
00:34:59,597 --> 00:35:02,517
I don't fuck
with no more young girls.

883
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,520
I don't even go to strip clubs
no fucking more.

884
00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:06,479
I'll be in the strip club
pushing females

885
00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:08,481
off my fucking lap.

886
00:35:08,564 --> 00:35:09,857
The fuck off my lap!

887
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:13,194
You know my sciatica
is acting up.

888
00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:14,195
[laughter]

889
00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:18,366
I told you last night
it was gonna flare up.

890
00:35:18,449 --> 00:35:19,367
God dammit,
don't fucking play with me.

891
00:35:19,450 --> 00:35:21,244
[laughter]

892
00:35:21,327 --> 00:35:23,746
But I must say some of y'all
look good in them fucking--

893
00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:26,707
them jogging pants, them yoga--

894
00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:28,334
them fucking tight and--

895
00:35:28,417 --> 00:35:30,044
some of y'all look good.

896
00:35:30,127 --> 00:35:32,255
Some of y'all good
in them yoga pants.

897
00:35:32,338 --> 00:35:34,298
I'ma tell you, man,
with the hips

898
00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:37,009
and the thighs and the ass
and fucking camel toe.

899
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:38,803
I don't want a camel toe.

900
00:35:38,886 --> 00:35:39,428
I want an elephant foot.

901
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:41,722
[laughter]

902
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,141
I want a wildebeest hoof.

903
00:35:44,225 --> 00:35:47,311
[laughter]

904
00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:48,437
I want an alligator paw.

905
00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:50,898
[laughter]

906
00:35:50,982 --> 00:35:52,733
I had one girl,
her feet was bad.

907
00:35:52,817 --> 00:35:54,026
You gotta have
pretty feet for me.

908
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:56,654
As a woman, your feet
gotta be impeccable.

909
00:35:56,737 --> 00:35:59,031
You can't come in and take
your shoes off in my house,

910
00:35:59,115 --> 00:36:00,658
and your fucking feet look
like fucking monkey hands.

911
00:36:00,741 --> 00:36:02,451
I don't want that.

912
00:36:02,535 --> 00:36:03,911
[laughter]

913
00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:05,329
Chimpanzee hands.

914
00:36:06,747 --> 00:36:08,249
And if your feet is pretty,

915
00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:10,459
I'm gonna fuck the shit out
of you doggy style.

916
00:36:10,543 --> 00:36:11,460
I'ma give you the baboon ass.

917
00:36:11,544 --> 00:36:13,796
[laughter]

918
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:15,172
That shit go
into that big pink baboon ass.

919
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:25,141
I'm changing over a new leaf.

920
00:36:25,224 --> 00:36:26,809
I'm changing over
a new leaf now, man.

921
00:36:26,893 --> 00:36:28,185
No more young girls.

922
00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:31,022
I only wanna fuck
with old broads,

923
00:36:31,105 --> 00:36:33,816
75, 80.

924
00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:35,276
Old broads.

925
00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:37,612
She takes her teeth out
before she suck your dick.

926
00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:38,821
That's what I want.

927
00:36:38,905 --> 00:36:40,448
I love an old fucking broad.

928
00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:43,534
Ooh, old broads.

929
00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:45,494
Oh my god, she smoked
Pall Mall cigarettes,

930
00:36:45,578 --> 00:36:46,621
no filter.

931
00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:48,289
Old school.

932
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:52,418
She got an old broad name
like Blanche or Beatrice.

933
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:55,004
Old broad.

934
00:36:55,087 --> 00:36:58,382
She got that fucking
Louis Armstrong cough.

935
00:36:58,466 --> 00:36:59,216
Her voice, she talk like...

936
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:00,801
[heavy voice]
"How you doing, Tracy?

937
00:37:00,885 --> 00:37:01,886
"I love you, baby.

938
00:37:01,969 --> 00:37:04,388
"Let me get
my cigarettes, please.

939
00:37:04,472 --> 00:37:06,140
I love you, baby."

940
00:37:06,223 --> 00:37:07,308
She got that old woman voice.

941
00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:08,809
[heavy voice] "I love you,
baby."

942
00:37:08,893 --> 00:37:11,354
I say some funny shit,
she started laughing.

943
00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:15,608
[coughs with phlegm]

944
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:20,821
[as Louis Armstrong]
♪ I see trees of green ♪

945
00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:24,325
♪ Red roses too ♪

946
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:28,287
♪ Sky's got a bloom
for me and you ♪

947
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:34,377
♪ And I think to myself,
what a wonderful world ♪

948
00:37:34,460 --> 00:37:37,254
Old fucking broad,
that's my shit.

949
00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,257
She got
them fucking varicose veins

950
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:41,884
everywhere, blue veins.

951
00:37:41,968 --> 00:37:43,386
I love white titties
and blue veins.

952
00:37:43,469 --> 00:37:47,056
I love white titties 'cause
they look like lunch meat.

953
00:37:51,435 --> 00:37:53,187
Got fucking varicose veins
everywhere,

954
00:37:53,270 --> 00:37:54,271
even the back of her legs.

955
00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:56,190
I was fucking
this old broad one time.

956
00:37:56,273 --> 00:37:59,360
The back of her legs looked
like a map of the 1700s.

957
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:02,655
[laughter]

958
00:38:02,738 --> 00:38:04,865
I love that shit.

959
00:38:04,949 --> 00:38:07,868
I love a old broad.

960
00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:09,537
I fucked this--I told
my brother the other day,

961
00:38:09,620 --> 00:38:11,998
I fucked this old broad so hard
one time, I put her to sleep.

962
00:38:12,081 --> 00:38:12,748
My brother said,
"Nigga, she was asleep

963
00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:15,543
"before y'all started.

964
00:38:15,626 --> 00:38:18,004
She was just taking
a nap, nigga."

965
00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:22,550
I love a old broad.

966
00:38:22,633 --> 00:38:24,719
She suffers from emphysema,

967
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:27,847
pushing that fucking oxygen
tank around all fucking day.

968
00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:29,682
She wear one of these shits
right here.

969
00:38:31,350 --> 00:38:33,019
[laughter]

970
00:38:47,491 --> 00:38:48,617
Love a old fucking broad.

971
00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:51,787
[laughter]

972
00:38:51,871 --> 00:38:54,123
Old broad got big clits.

973
00:38:54,206 --> 00:38:55,249
[laughter]

974
00:38:55,332 --> 00:38:56,292
You ever seen
an old broad clit?

975
00:38:56,375 --> 00:38:59,545
It looked like little
ding-a-ling down there.

976
00:38:59,628 --> 00:39:01,047
Her clit look like steak.

977
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:03,466
[laughter]

978
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:04,925
That's that gravity pulling on.

979
00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:07,428
Used to be innie,
now it's an outie.

980
00:39:07,511 --> 00:39:08,721
Big clit.

981
00:39:08,804 --> 00:39:11,098
Big clit.

982
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:13,476
The gravity pulling
it down on it.

983
00:39:13,559 --> 00:39:14,602
Just like dick.

984
00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:16,520
When you was in high school,
that dick get hard.

985
00:39:16,604 --> 00:39:18,439
Remember when your dick
used to get hard?

986
00:39:18,522 --> 00:39:22,276
You faint off the rope in gym
because your dick get hard.

987
00:39:22,359 --> 00:39:25,738
But then you get in your 50s,
your shit get flaccid.

988
00:39:25,821 --> 00:39:27,323
It still get thick,
but it don't get hard.

989
00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:28,616
It just be flaccid.

990
00:39:28,699 --> 00:39:31,118
[laughter]

991
00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:32,703
And old broads, they freaks.

992
00:39:32,787 --> 00:39:34,914
Wheaty beaty bing-bong freaks.

993
00:39:34,997 --> 00:39:37,041
They love the 69.

994
00:39:37,124 --> 00:39:39,418
Old broads sit on your face.

995
00:39:39,502 --> 00:39:41,212
And she put that big clit
down your throat,

996
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:42,797
you gonna be gagging.

997
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:46,384
[gagging]

998
00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:49,386
Every time you gag,
your butthole close.

999
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:51,806
[gagging]

1000
00:39:51,889 --> 00:39:54,475
Your mascara run.

1001
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:56,060
[gagging]

1002
00:39:56,143 --> 00:39:56,644
Your eyes get watery.

1003
00:39:56,727 --> 00:40:01,607
[gagging]

1004
00:40:01,690 --> 00:40:02,566
You take that clit
out your mouth.

1005
00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:04,819
You got that long spit
chained connected to it.

1006
00:40:04,902 --> 00:40:08,197
[laughter]

1007
00:40:09,615 --> 00:40:12,326
She at the other end, sucking
on your big flaccid dick.

1008
00:40:12,409 --> 00:40:15,037
Look like she got a mouth
full of Laffy Taffy.

1009
00:40:15,121 --> 00:40:17,623
Mouth full of bubblegum.

1010
00:40:17,706 --> 00:40:20,709
[laughter]

1011
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:23,712
I fucked an old broad
so hard one time,

1012
00:40:23,796 --> 00:40:26,048
her Apple Watch
detected a car crash.

1013
00:40:26,132 --> 00:40:28,175
[laughter]

1014
00:40:31,595 --> 00:40:35,224
Old broads got big pussy lips,
big pussy lips.

1015
00:40:35,307 --> 00:40:38,185
Old broad got them
big pussy lips.

1016
00:40:38,269 --> 00:40:40,729
She got
them old broad pussy lips.

1017
00:40:40,813 --> 00:40:43,607
Her pussy lips look
like the sleeve of a wizard.

1018
00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:46,694
[laughter]

1019
00:40:46,777 --> 00:40:49,029
Look like Merlin's sleeve.

1020
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:50,698
You gag. [gagging]

1021
00:40:50,781 --> 00:40:54,743
What is this sorcery?

1022
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:56,871
There's something magical
happening here.

1023
00:40:56,954 --> 00:40:58,205
[laughter]

1024
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:04,879
Old broads got
deep pussy queefs.

1025
00:41:04,962 --> 00:41:06,130
Some of y'all know.

1026
00:41:06,213 --> 00:41:08,507
Y'all know what a queef is.

1027
00:41:08,591 --> 00:41:09,466
Y'all heard it.

1028
00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:10,843
We love that queef.

1029
00:41:10,926 --> 00:41:12,595
We like, yeah, talk
to me, goddamn it.

1030
00:41:12,678 --> 00:41:14,889
That old broad sit on
your big, flaccid dick.

1031
00:41:14,972 --> 00:41:17,224
All you gonna hear is--

1032
00:41:17,308 --> 00:41:18,517
[blows raspberry]

1033
00:41:18,601 --> 00:41:22,563
She too old to bounce on it,
so she gonna rock on it.

1034
00:41:22,646 --> 00:41:25,024
[blows raspberry]

1035
00:41:27,985 --> 00:41:29,904
Sound like a Saint Bernard
sleeping by the fireplace.

1036
00:41:29,987 --> 00:41:33,782
[blows raspberry]

1037
00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:42,708
Long, deep queef.

1038
00:41:42,791 --> 00:41:47,004
[blows raspberry]

1039
00:41:47,087 --> 00:41:50,466
[laughter]

1040
00:41:50,549 --> 00:41:52,760
A old broad can multitask.

1041
00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,094
Old broads can multitask.

1042
00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:55,095
She be riding that dick.

1043
00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:56,805
[blows raspberry]

1044
00:41:56,889 --> 00:42:00,142
Ooh, I got a brisket
in the oven.

1045
00:42:00,226 --> 00:42:01,518
She baste that brisket,
then sit back

1046
00:42:01,602 --> 00:42:02,978
on that flaccid dick.

1047
00:42:03,062 --> 00:42:05,606
[blows raspberry]

1048
00:42:05,689 --> 00:42:08,275
Remind me to turn that off
in 20 minutes.

1049
00:42:08,359 --> 00:42:10,152
[laughter]

1050
00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:16,408
I fucked a old broad wearing
a Life Alert one time.

1051
00:42:16,492 --> 00:42:17,993
[laughter]

1052
00:42:18,077 --> 00:42:20,120
"What is your emergency?
This is Life Alert."

1053
00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:22,957
[heavy voice] "Yeah, I just sat
on a big black flaccid dick,

1054
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:24,583
and I can't get up."

1055
00:42:24,667 --> 00:42:26,710
[laughter]

1056
00:42:32,258 --> 00:42:35,010
You sick son of a bitches.

1057
00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:42,685
I know what my calling is.

1058
00:42:42,768 --> 00:42:45,646
I know what I'm supposed
to be doing on this Earth.

1059
00:42:45,729 --> 00:42:47,690
I know why he spared my life
in that accident

1060
00:42:47,773 --> 00:42:49,567
because I'm supposed
to be here making y'all laugh.

1061
00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:50,776
Let's share a laugh.

1062
00:42:50,859 --> 00:42:51,277
[cheering and applause]

1063
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:52,569
Let's share a laugh.

1064
00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:55,781
Before we leave
this motherfucker, let's laugh.

1065
00:42:55,864 --> 00:42:58,158
[cheers and applause]

1066
00:43:06,792 --> 00:43:12,006
Who the fuck wanna live in
a world without Tracy Morgan?

1067
00:43:12,089 --> 00:43:13,507
Who wanna do that?

1068
00:43:13,590 --> 00:43:14,842
Could you imagine me
doing anything else?

1069
00:43:14,925 --> 00:43:16,927
- No.

1070
00:43:17,011 --> 00:43:18,012
- Could you imagine me working

1071
00:43:18,095 --> 00:43:19,430
in an emergency room
in a hospital?

1072
00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,223
- Hell, no!

1073
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:23,142
- Doctor be like, "Tracy,
we have to get this patient

1074
00:43:23,225 --> 00:43:24,560
into emergency stat."

1075
00:43:24,643 --> 00:43:27,187
"Man, don't fucking yell at me.

1076
00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:28,355
"I don't give a fuck
about that doctor shit.

1077
00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:30,149
"Don't be fucking
yelling at me, man.

1078
00:43:30,232 --> 00:43:32,818
"I got 15 more minutes
on my lunch break.

1079
00:43:32,901 --> 00:43:36,363
"That nigga broke both his
legs. Where the fuck he going?

1080
00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:38,532
"Fucking yell at me.
That's that bullshit.

1081
00:43:38,615 --> 00:43:40,617
It's the same reason
why I left Foot Locker."

1082
00:43:40,701 --> 00:43:42,578
[laughter]

1083
00:43:44,121 --> 00:43:46,540
This is not my first job.

1084
00:43:46,623 --> 00:43:49,710
I used to work at McDonald's
just like y'all.

1085
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,545
Young nigga trying
to earn money.

1086
00:43:51,628 --> 00:43:52,921
Worked right at McDonald's.

1087
00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:54,631
Let me tell you something,
my manager was pussy.

1088
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:57,843
I had that nigga
under pressure, Brooklyn style.

1089
00:43:57,926 --> 00:43:59,678
I had him under pressure.

1090
00:43:59,762 --> 00:44:01,013
I was filling out
the application.

1091
00:44:01,096 --> 00:44:02,222
"Tracy, do you wanna
drop fries,

1092
00:44:02,306 --> 00:44:04,975
"do you wanna make
Big Macs,

1093
00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:06,143
or do you wanna take out
garbage?"

1094
00:44:06,226 --> 00:44:09,021
I said, "Nigga, I need to be
on the cash register.

1095
00:44:09,104 --> 00:44:11,190
How the fuck else
I'ma get paid?"

1096
00:44:11,273 --> 00:44:16,070
Yo, my cash register came up
short $76 every fucking day.

1097
00:44:16,153 --> 00:44:17,029
[cheering and applause]

1098
00:44:17,112 --> 00:44:19,114
He gonna say,
"Tracy, you're short again."

1099
00:44:19,198 --> 00:44:20,115
I said, "Are you trying
to say I'm stealing, nigga?

1100
00:44:20,199 --> 00:44:21,700
Huh, huh, huh, huh?"

1101
00:44:21,784 --> 00:44:26,205
Said "No, but you're making
the same mistake every day."

1102
00:44:26,288 --> 00:44:28,916
Just like Red Lobster.
Fuck Red Lobster.

1103
00:44:28,999 --> 00:44:30,709
Try to get me to sing
"Happy Birthday"

1104
00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:33,545
to niggas I don't know.

1105
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:34,755
I don't even know these niggas.

1106
00:44:34,838 --> 00:44:36,131
I ain't signing no fucking
"Happy Birthday"

1107
00:44:36,215 --> 00:44:38,258
to these niggas, man.
I ain't no singer.

1108
00:44:38,342 --> 00:44:41,303
You want to singer, hire one
of the Temptations, nigga.

1109
00:44:41,387 --> 00:44:43,472
What?
I must sing?

1110
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:45,015
I must sing?

1111
00:44:45,099 --> 00:44:47,059
My sing--I must sing?

1112
00:44:47,142 --> 00:44:49,937
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪

1113
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:52,022
♪ I really don't care ♪

1114
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:53,774
Happy birthday, motherfucker.

1115
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:02,783
Tell y'all something, man.

1116
00:45:02,866 --> 00:45:03,951
If y'all niggas see me
dancing in my drawers

1117
00:45:04,034 --> 00:45:08,414
in my kitchen on TikTok, all
that Walmart money is gone.

1118
00:45:08,497 --> 00:45:11,959
[laughter]

1119
00:45:12,042 --> 00:45:13,794
I tricked all of that shit up.

1120
00:45:13,877 --> 00:45:16,171
[laughter]

1121
00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:18,674
Y'all remember--y'all remember
when Dave my man--

1122
00:45:18,757 --> 00:45:22,136
my main man Dave Chappelle
got attacked

1123
00:45:22,219 --> 00:45:23,721
while he was performing
on stage?

1124
00:45:23,804 --> 00:45:26,515
And everybody said
that dude went crazy.

1125
00:45:26,598 --> 00:45:29,309
Yeah, I get it.
I went crazy, too.

1126
00:45:29,393 --> 00:45:32,187
I just did 12 minutes
on fucking an elderly woman.

1127
00:45:32,271 --> 00:45:34,189
[laughter]

1128
00:45:34,273 --> 00:45:36,275
And I wrote that shit
when I was quarantining.

1129
00:45:36,358 --> 00:45:39,570
[laughter]

1130
00:45:39,653 --> 00:45:42,030
Yo, listen, COVID did
a number on all of us.

1131
00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:43,657
Thank the Lord we outside now.

1132
00:45:43,740 --> 00:45:44,825
Niggas ain't got no mask on.

1133
00:45:44,908 --> 00:45:46,493
We doing it.

1134
00:45:46,577 --> 00:45:49,621
To me, shit is normal again.

1135
00:45:49,705 --> 00:45:50,998
You can eat pussy
without getting sick.

1136
00:45:51,081 --> 00:45:53,709
[laughter]

1137
00:45:53,792 --> 00:45:55,752
Left that nigga
in the house for three years

1138
00:45:55,836 --> 00:46:00,340
looking at Instagram,
looking at Instagram.

1139
00:46:00,424 --> 00:46:01,800
Everything on Instagram
is a fucking lie.

1140
00:46:01,884 --> 00:46:04,678
If you were here right now,
you're looking at Instagram

1141
00:46:04,761 --> 00:46:06,638
and you fucking glued
to that shit,

1142
00:46:06,722 --> 00:46:08,056
you're watching a lie.

1143
00:46:08,140 --> 00:46:08,640
That shit is a lie.

1144
00:46:08,724 --> 00:46:11,393
[cheering and applause]

1145
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:15,647
DJ Khalid is not
that fucking happy.

1146
00:46:15,731 --> 00:46:17,691
[laughter]

1147
00:46:17,774 --> 00:46:20,819
That nigga just as miserable
as all of us.

1148
00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:21,945
He's not.

1149
00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:24,031
Everybody on Instagram
act like they could tell you

1150
00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:26,575
some shit that can make
your life more successful.

1151
00:46:26,658 --> 00:46:28,869
Bullshit.
Look at me.

1152
00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:31,997
Look at me!
I had my first son at 17, okay?

1153
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:33,499
I dropped out of high school.

1154
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:34,166
My father died of AIDS.

1155
00:46:34,249 --> 00:46:35,375
I sold crack.

1156
00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:37,711
I got arrested a few times.

1157
00:46:37,794 --> 00:46:38,545
And on top of all of that shit,

1158
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:41,465
I got hit
by a fucking Walmart truck.

1159
00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:44,801
Now, I'm not in here
telling nobody

1160
00:46:44,885 --> 00:46:46,512
to drop out of high school
and not get their education

1161
00:46:46,595 --> 00:46:49,890
and get hit by Walmart truck.

1162
00:46:49,973 --> 00:46:51,391
But look how your boy
turned out.

1163
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:53,769
[cheering and applause]

1164
00:46:53,852 --> 00:46:55,729
Yo, I love you.
My name is Tracy Morgan.

1165
00:46:55,812 --> 00:46:57,564
Please give my love.
Thanks for coming out.

1166
00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,359
And thank you for letting me
be me.

1167
00:47:05,489 --> 00:47:08,283
[John Sebastian's
"Welcome Back" playing]

1168
00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:12,287
♪ ♪

1169
00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:16,041
- ♪ Welcome back ♪

1170
00:47:16,124 --> 00:47:20,087
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

1171
00:47:20,170 --> 00:47:21,922
♪ Welcome back

1172
00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:26,426
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

1173
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:28,804
♪ Well the names
have all changed ♪

1174
00:47:28,887 --> 00:47:31,014
♪ Since you hung around ♪

1175
00:47:31,098 --> 00:47:33,267
♪ But those dreams
have remained ♪

1176
00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:35,602
♪ And they've turned around ♪

1177
00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:36,937
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪

1178
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:39,356
- ♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪

1179
00:47:39,439 --> 00:47:40,774
- ♪ Back here
where we need you ♪

1180
00:47:40,857 --> 00:47:43,652
- ♪ Back here where
we need you ♪

1181
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:45,571
- ♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

1182
00:47:45,654 --> 00:47:47,489
♪ 'Cause we got him
on the spot ♪

1183
00:47:47,573 --> 00:47:49,866
♪ Welcome back ♪

1184
00:47:49,950 --> 00:47:51,285
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

1185
00:47:51,368 --> 00:47:54,204
♪ Welcome back ♪

1186
00:47:54,288 --> 00:47:56,373
- ♪ Welcome back,
welcome back ♪

1187
00:47:56,456 --> 00:47:58,500
- ♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

1188
00:47:58,584 --> 00:48:02,254
- ♪ Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back ♪

1189
00:48:02,337 --> 00:48:04,631
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

1190
00:48:04,715 --> 00:48:06,842
- ♪ Yeah, we tease him
a lot ♪

1191
00:48:06,925 --> 00:48:09,303
- ♪ Welcome back,
welcome back ♪

1192
00:48:09,386 --> 00:48:11,013
- ♪ 'Cause we got him
on the spot ♪

1193
00:48:11,096 --> 00:48:13,473
- ♪ Welcome back,
welcome back ♪

1194
00:48:13,557 --> 00:48:14,683
- ♪ Yeah, we tease him
a lot ♪

1195
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:17,644
♪ 'Cause we got him
on the spot ♪

1196
00:48:17,728 --> 00:48:19,771
♪ Welcome back ♪

1197
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:23,650
- ♪ Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back ♪

1198
00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:27,070
♪ Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back ♪

1199
00:48:27,154 --> 00:48:33,035
♪ Welcome back, welcome back,
welcome back ♪