1
00:00:06,310 --> 00:00:09,096
Troops, we're running low on fresh water,

2
00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:11,446
so I must speak against this ridiculous new trend

3
00:00:11,576 --> 00:00:13,056
of handwashing.

4
00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:15,537
Sir, I heard that handwashing prevents dysentery.

5
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:19,019
Oh, I'm sorry, Collins, are
you a physician or a barber?

6
00:00:19,149 --> 00:00:21,064
[laughter] I didn't think so.

7
00:00:22,544 --> 00:00:25,851
Now, time for my newest invention.

8
00:00:25,982 --> 00:00:28,245
One that shall surely turn the tide in this conflict.

9
00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:34,860
A musket with a spy glass attached. I'm calling it...

10
00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:36,993
the "Eyesaac."

11
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,864
So just your name? Right.

12
00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:40,431
But instead of the letter "I,"

13
00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:41,867
I'm spelling it with the word "eye"...

14
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:45,697
E-Y-E... at the front.

15
00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:49,310
Point is, close combat will
soon be a thing of the past,

16
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,442
because the Eyesaac, E-Y-E,

17
00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:55,011
allows for accurate targeting of up to...

18
00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:56,795
And I kid you not... 50 yards.

19
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:59,015
[applause] [smug chuckle] 

20
00:01:00,451 --> 00:01:03,324
Glory be, I've got eyes on a British officer.

21
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:06,327
Now, of course it would be dishonorable to engage

22
00:01:06,457 --> 00:01:08,416
while, you know, he's unarmed.

23
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:10,766
Quite a striking fellow.

24
00:01:10,896 --> 00:01:12,594
He's fit of body,

25
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,987
well-groomed,

26
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:17,077
ready for action. [chuckles] 

27
00:01:18,556 --> 00:01:19,556
[clears throat] 

28
00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,866
Right.

29
00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:26,782
Well, lots of war stuff to do.

30
00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:28,827
Battle is nigh. And remember,

31
00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:31,482
do not shoot them until

32
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:33,702
you see the green of his eyes.

33
00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:35,443
Theireyes.

34
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:37,227
Till you see the green of their eyes.

35
00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:38,878
I actually didn't notice if he had green eyes.

36
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:40,926
Theyhad green eyes.

37
00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:43,277
♪

38
00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:50,197
Oh, I gotta find a way out of this crypt.

39
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:51,720
I'm not getting eaten by a purple worm.

40
00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:53,069
Eaten by a worm?

41
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,375
This game seems stressful.

42
00:01:54,505 --> 00:01:56,028
This is what Jay does to relax?

43
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,639
Dungeons & Dragons isn't about relaxation,

44
00:01:57,769 --> 00:01:59,031
it's about adventure.

45
00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:00,562
Yeah. Nothing says adventure like eating

46
00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:02,818
a family-size bag of chips by yourself.

47
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:05,995
Okay, Jay, you're gonna have
to make a decision. Do you...

48
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,301
Oh, come on. Not again.

49
00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:12,828
I'm sorry, guys, my Internet
cut out again. Yeah, we know.

50
00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:15,004
It's happened, like, 20 times already.

51
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,919
Yeah, well, what do you expect? It's rural Internet.

52
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:18,486
You guys get it. You're from Queens.

53
00:02:18,616 --> 00:02:19,922
That's practically the country.

54
00:02:20,052 --> 00:02:21,532
Jay, we moved downtown, by Brett and Shayla.

55
00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:22,838
You did? Wait.

56
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:23,752
Who's Brett and Shayla?

57
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,188
NEAL: You haven't met Brett yet? Okay.

58
00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:27,451
He is hilarious. He fits right in.

59
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,366
We met him at a pub quiz.

60
00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:31,238
[groans] Oh...

61
00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,544
I'm confused. Is this part of the game?

62
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,372
Unfortunately, I think the only game being played here

63
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:36,372
is an adult man

64
00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:38,506
trying to maintain long-distance friendships.

65
00:02:38,636 --> 00:02:40,638
I don't get it. Couldn't... a hotspot or something?

66
00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:42,510
Oh, great, you're back. Hey, can you hear me?

67
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,077
Do we just ask Brett to take Jay's spot?

68
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,488
What? Brett can't have my spot. No way.

69
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,037
What are you thinking, should
we just kill Jay's character?

70
00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:49,037
No, guys,

71
00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:50,996
I can hear you.

72
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:53,608
I'm sad to lose Jay. But Brett? Hello?

73
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:54,870
I hate Brett.

74
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,219
Wow. Hard to imagine

75
00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:58,047
feeling this betrayed by friends.

76
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,223
Didn't your best friend sleep with your wife?

77
00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:03,444
Yes, Sasappis. Thank you for that helpful example.

78
00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:05,489
So you want me to just take down the whole shed?

79
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:07,361
Yeah, it's kind of an eyesore.

80
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:10,363
Oh.

81
00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:15,369
What on earth is the meaning of this?

82
00:03:17,588 --> 00:03:19,108
Oh, yeah, this place will come down real easy.

83
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:20,548
NIGEL: Come down?

84
00:03:20,678 --> 00:03:22,071
I'll have you know these barracks

85
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,855
are the sovereign territory of his Royal Highness

86
00:03:23,855 --> 00:03:25,292
King George III.

87
00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:27,468
And look at this one.

88
00:03:27,598 --> 00:03:28,730
Gawking.Sorry.

89
00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:30,775
Mark.

90
00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:32,255
Sorry, Mark.

91
00:03:32,386 --> 00:03:34,431
Uh, just leave the shed.

92
00:03:34,562 --> 00:03:35,824
I have a meeting.

93
00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:37,913
We'll talk later.

94
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,697
She can see us.Remarkable.

95
00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,351
Indeed.

96
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:44,049
Hey. Uh, did you guys know
there's three British soldiers

97
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:46,835
from the Revolutionary War living in our garden shed?

98
00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:47,965
Don't worry about them.

99
00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:49,086
They mostly stick to themselves.

100
00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:50,795
PETE: They come up to the main house

101
00:03:50,926 --> 00:03:52,971
once every year or so with some dispute or complaint.

102
00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:55,235
They've never gotten over losing the war.

103
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,585
Well, those limeys can wipe their eyes with crumpets.

104
00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:00,327
'Cause this land is, and has always been, American.

105
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:01,763
Said the guy from Massapequa.

106
00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:03,939
PETE: Ever since the war, the agreement's been

107
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:05,941
the Americans get the house, the Brits get the shed.

108
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:06,637
JAY: No, no,

109
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:07,943
no, no.

110
00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:10,162
Oh, no. What is it, Jay?

111
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,947
Hitch died.

112
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:13,818
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

113
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,820
That's awful. He was a...

114
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:17,518
really...

115
00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:18,848
You have no idea who Hitch is, do you?

116
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:21,086
I do not. He was my D&D character.

117
00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:22,436
SAMANTHA: Oh. No, not to be insensitive,

118
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,873
it's just, doesn't he exist entirely in your head?

119
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:26,440
What is it, Pete?

120
00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:29,486
I-I just wanted to say, as a
long-time adventurer myself,

121
00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:32,446
the bond between D&D creator and character

122
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:33,969
can be very real.

123
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:35,840
I know I shed a few tears when I lost Gelvin Monkspear

124
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,320
to the demogorgon.

125
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,627
Pete's saying he can relate, 'cause he got upset

126
00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:41,846
about losing some character
to a demidragon.Demogorgon.

127
00:04:41,977 --> 00:04:42,977
Demogorgon?

128
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:44,806
Pete plays D&D?

129
00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:46,895
Heck yeah. It was really popular in the '80s.

130
00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,593
Hey, maybe Jay and I could play together.

131
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:51,639
Oh, that's really sweet... Pete
wishes he could play with you.

132
00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:54,206
Whoa, we totally could do that. Hey, Pete,

133
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:56,948
Pete, listen, you pick a character and I'll DM,

134
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:59,908
and then Sam... Sam, all you have to do

135
00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,344
is translate, like you're doing right now.

136
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:03,085
I love this idea! Oh, no, no, no.

137
00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:04,739
I mean, I love you, obviously,

138
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:05,957
but fantasy role-playing games

139
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:07,916
are at the far end of that affection.

140
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:09,918
Yeah. Okay, cool.

141
00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:12,094
All my best friends just broke up with me,

142
00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:13,791
but, uh, I can see

143
00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:17,360
that playing a game is... is too big of an ask.

144
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,493
Okay, we can play tonight.

145
00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:21,799
Yes! Oh! [laughs] 

146
00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:23,366
Pete, saddle up, baby!

147
00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:25,281
Oh, no. Whoo! [laughs] 

148
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,936
Tonight we ride! Rrroo!

149
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:29,807
NIGEL: We demand parley

150
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:31,418
at once!

151
00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:32,767
Ugh, these fools.

152
00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:34,899
Oh, boy. What's going on here? Aah!

153
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:35,813
She cansee us.

154
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:37,902
My God,

155
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,165
what foul deal with the devil
hath provoked such a power?

156
00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:42,167
She fell down the stairs, and when she woke up

157
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:44,169
she could talk to ghosts and animals.

158
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,781
Uh, no. I'm not sure where she got the animals thing.

159
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:47,956
But I'm Samantha. Hi.

160
00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:49,479
Lieutenant-Colonel Nigel Chessum.

161
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:52,569
I've come to discuss the unprovoked attack

162
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,136
on our land. SASAPPIS: I don't know

163
00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:55,442
if I'd say this is your land.

164
00:05:55,572 --> 00:05:56,660
Yeah, give 'em hell, Sass!

165
00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:57,879
USA!

166
00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,924
USA! Are you talking about the door?

167
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:03,232
This is about dignity and decorum and...

168
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,929
Yes, the door.

169
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:06,860
We want it put back, and
we won't accept anything less.

170
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:09,064
JAY: Sam?

171
00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:12,197
Have you seen my yellow Decepticons shirt?

172
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:13,460
Oh, I think it's in the dryer.

173
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:14,896
Uh-uh, I checked.

174
00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:16,201
I'll come help you in a sec. I'm just dealing

175
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,160
with some British ghosts from the Revolutionary War.

176
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:19,553
Okay. I'll check the hamper.

177
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,730
Sorry, you were saying?

178
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:25,472
Our barracks. This affront shall not go un...

179
00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:26,864
Oh, fine, I'll-I'll do it.

180
00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:27,996
Pardon?

181
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,606
I'll tell the contractor

182
00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:30,955
to put the door back on. Anything else?

183
00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:34,437
Oh. Um, I...

184
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:37,745
had sort of a lengthy diatribe
planned, but, uh, splendid.

185
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:38,875
JENKINS: Well,

186
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:39,876
shall we get out of here, sir?

187
00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:41,618
Oh, yes.

188
00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:43,881
I suppose there's no reason to linger.

189
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:45,927
No other reason I can think of.

190
00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:48,146
ISAAC: Sam, I believe that
shirt that Jay's looking for

191
00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:50,584
is in the hallway closet upstairs...

192
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:54,849
Lieutenant-Colonel Chessum.

193
00:06:54,979 --> 00:06:57,025
Captain Higgintoot.

194
00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:59,244
What, um... what fortune prompts

195
00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:01,551
such an unexpec... pected visit?

196
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:04,859
A... trivial matter, now concluded.

197
00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:06,513
Hmm.I...

198
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,340
do hope my presence, though unexpected,

199
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:10,386
is not entirely unpleasant.

200
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,693
Oh, no, I think it's fair to say

201
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:15,522
that your presence is the
furthest thing from unpleasant.

202
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,045
Okay, am I nuts, or is there, like,

203
00:07:17,175 --> 00:07:18,829
crazy chemistry between these two?

204
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,831
This has been going on for centuries.

205
00:07:20,962 --> 00:07:23,443
Every year they find some
reason to "redraw the border"

206
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,183
or "extend the truce," and neither one of them

207
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:27,055
ever makes a move.Mm.

208
00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:28,360
NIGEL: Well, I, uh, suppose

209
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:30,537
I shall bid you adieu.

210
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:33,365
Yes, yes, and I shall bid adieu to you.

211
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:34,496
[laughs] : Oh.

212
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:35,933
What a droll little rhyme.

213
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,239
Oh!

214
00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:39,197
[Isaac laughing] 

215
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:40,808
NIGEL: Splendid.

216
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,505
Well... [clears throat] 

217
00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:45,769
I guess I'm not going to fife myself out, am I?

218
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,075
[chuckles] : Oh, no.

219
00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:48,555
[clears throat]  Baxter?

220
00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:50,860
♪

221
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:58,478
[sighs] 

222
00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:01,176
Well, back to the closet. What?

223
00:08:01,306 --> 00:08:02,743
To look for Jay's shirt.

224
00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:05,397
Right.

225
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:08,444
JAY: You cross the icy river

226
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:12,361
only to find what nightmares lurk on the other side.

227
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,406
From forth the darkness of the cave

228
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:17,714
emerges an abominable yeti!

229
00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,237
Ha-ha-ha!

230
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,978
Oh, not good.

231
00:08:21,109 --> 00:08:22,749
We probably should have taken the mountain pass.

232
00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:25,026
Pete says they should have
taken the mountain pass.Yeah.

233
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,463
That's what we get for accepting
a map from a Frost Giant.

234
00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:29,639
Sass is second-guessing the Frost Giant.

235
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,293
Well, I'm not messing with a yeti.

236
00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:32,512
I'm getting back in the boat.

237
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:34,078
And Alberta wants to get back in the boat.

238
00:08:34,209 --> 00:08:35,863
Ooh, unfortunately,

239
00:08:35,993 --> 00:08:37,255
you turn around to see

240
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:38,822
that the boat has sunk

241
00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:40,084
into the icy river.

242
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,043
Oh.Escape...

243
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:43,958
is no longer an option.

244
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,874
Well, then combat it is.

245
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:49,354
Sam, please tell Jay that Gelvin Monkspear II

246
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:51,487
has unsheathed his sword.

247
00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:56,405
SASAPPIS: Sam? A little
focus? We're about to be devoured

248
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:57,711
by a ferocious beast over here.

249
00:08:57,841 --> 00:08:59,756
Right. Sorry, it's just, it's been a few hours.

250
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,628
So is the game almost done?

251
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:04,805
Well, I mean, this particular
session could be close to done.

252
00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:05,719
[chuckles] : This session?

253
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,634
What do you mean? Doesn't somebody win

254
00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:09,070
and then, like, we're done?

255
00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:10,811
[laughs] : No.

256
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:12,377
This isn't Candy Land, Sam.

257
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:13,508
JAY: Dungeons & Dragons

258
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,685
is not a game that just ends in one night.

259
00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:17,992
Every campaign is a multi-chaptered quest.

260
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:20,298
They could last months or even years.

261
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:21,648
Years?

262
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:22,823
That's what makes it so fun.

263
00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:24,085
Now, where were we

264
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:25,826
with that yeti?

265
00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:28,568
A little too close for comfort, I'd say.

266
00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:31,222
Repeat that for Jay. I
think he'd get a kick out of it.

267
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,965
ISAAC: How about those Brits stopping by, hmm?

268
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:37,315
Probably won't have to see them for another few years.

269
00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,709
[big sigh] 

270
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,582
Uh, I have to say, though, that...

271
00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:45,541
that Nigel fellow seems like a really good guy.

272
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:49,589
Oh, well, can't say I agree
with his politics, but, uh...

273
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,634
he's a man of honor. Interesting,

274
00:09:51,765 --> 00:09:54,332
because you're also kind of a man of honor.

275
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,814
Well, the truth is, is that there's a secret

276
00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,990
that I've been keeping from Nigel,

277
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:02,340
and to share it would release an immense burden,

278
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:06,083
but I have a feeling he is
not going to take it very well.

279
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:08,520
Okay, I hear you, but there's also a chance

280
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,914
that something that seemed so
unthinkable all those years ago

281
00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:13,264
might not be a big deal now.

282
00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:15,309
You're right.

283
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:17,181
What am I so afraid of?

284
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:18,966
I'm gonna do it.

285
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:21,229
Really? You'll talk to him?

286
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,710
Uh-huh. I'm gonna do it.

287
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,059
[gasps]  Oh, I'm so proud of you.

288
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:26,190
What do I wear?

289
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:29,541
Wait, no, can't change, so itchy shirt it is.

290
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,501
Break a leg!

291
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,590
JAY [yawns] : Man...

292
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:37,027
we were up so late last night, huh? Were we?

293
00:10:37,158 --> 00:10:39,682
Gosh, I was having so much fun, I didn't notice.

294
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,162
I could have gone all night.

295
00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:42,032
JAY: You want to know what my favorite part was?

296
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:44,426
It was just getting to know the ghosts a little bit.

297
00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:45,645
Pete? Are you kidding me?

298
00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,821
That guy is great. I didn't think anyone knew more

299
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,126
about '80s basketball than I did.

300
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:52,521
Well, early '80s, and then...
[imitates arrow striking] 

301
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,958
JAY: You know, if we're gonna
get to the fortress any time soon,

302
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:56,699
we're gonna have to play a few times a week,

303
00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:57,918
at least. And each of those sessions

304
00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,397
would last about...? Not long.

305
00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:02,009
Five, six hours.Wow.

306
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,924
Well, let me check my schedule. Available.

307
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:06,317
And that could go on for potentially years?

308
00:11:06,448 --> 00:11:07,536
Yeah.

309
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:12,889
Jay, I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but...

310
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:15,283
the ghosts don't want to play with you anymore.

311
00:11:15,413 --> 00:11:16,893
Whaaat? What?

312
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,503
I know. I'm sorry.

313
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,680
But I thought they had fun.

314
00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:22,682
We did have fun. What are you doing, Sam?

315
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,074
Well, I guess that not being able

316
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,120
to move the pieces or roll...

317
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,861
Some of them just got a little bored. Bored?

318
00:11:27,991 --> 00:11:28,991
That's not true.

319
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:30,072
Okay. Yes, it's disappointing.

320
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,952
I'm upset, too. I...

321
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:35,477
I love this game! Those darn ghosts!

322
00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:37,522
Well, if they didn't like
it, then... they didn't like it.

323
00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:39,002
We loved it.

324
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:41,048
Liar! JAY: Huh.

325
00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:42,963
I guess I'll just put all this away, then.

326
00:11:43,093 --> 00:11:44,094
You know, maybe we could watch

327
00:11:44,225 --> 00:11:45,313
a movie later.

328
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:46,880
Yeah.

329
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,925
Sure, that sounds fun.

330
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:50,056
Hmm.

331
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:54,017
And I thought the mindflayer

332
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,454
would be the greatest monster I'd encounter this week.

333
00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:00,154
Or the gelatinous cube. That one was tough, too.

334
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:08,684
So she just straight-up lied to him?

335
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,033
Like it was nothing. We have to fix this.

336
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:11,556
Last night was so fun,

337
00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:12,819
and I don't know if you've noticed,

338
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,019
but we don't have a ton going on here.

339
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,169
Yeah, I just wish there was a way

340
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:17,258
we could talk to Jay directly and set this straight.

341
00:12:17,388 --> 00:12:18,955
If only there was some way we could get a message

342
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:21,001
across the celestial plane.

343
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,615
I think I have an idea.

344
00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:30,750
Uh, perhaps we discuss

345
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,448
whatever it is you... wanted to talk about.

346
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:36,625
Well, well, the truth is, is it's quite personal,

347
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,367
and I've been keeping a secret from you

348
00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:42,718
for, oh, 250 years.

349
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,372
Oh? I'm just really nervous

350
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:45,808
about how you're gonna take it.

351
00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:46,939
Well, I...

352
00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:48,985
think I might take it...

353
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,074
just fine.

354
00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:52,989
Really?

355
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,599
Oh.

356
00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:57,124
All right, here it goes.

357
00:12:57,254 --> 00:12:58,386
Nigel?

358
00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:00,344
Yes, Isaac?

359
00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:02,999
I killed you.

360
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,088
Excuse me?!

361
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,917
[whooshing] 

362
00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:13,314
ISAAC: Hello, Officer.

363
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:15,882
[sneezes] 

364
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:19,972
Oh, boy.

365
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:21,670
Are you telling me

366
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,455
the cowardly sniper that took my life was you?

367
00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:27,545
Well, th-that was not at all my intention.

368
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,852
To have murdered in cold blood

369
00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:31,462
a fellow officer!

370
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:32,593
My hope was to apologize.

371
00:13:32,637 --> 00:13:34,901
I've had enough of this.

372
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:36,250
Uh...

373
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:37,425
Baxter?

374
00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:38,948
[fife playing] 

375
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:41,429
[quietly] : Oh, God.

376
00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,387
[fife music fading] 

377
00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:45,215
[scat singing] 

378
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:48,740
All right, no Sam in sight.

379
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,307
Hurry up and do your thing.

380
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:55,356
[sustained grunt growing louder] 

381
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:58,533
[yelling] 

382
00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:03,190
Just a little faster, buddy.

383
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:04,669
I think Jay's rinsing off.[yelling] 

384
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,497
[continues yelling] 

385
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,328
[gasps] 

386
00:14:12,895 --> 00:14:15,680
[panting] Lied about what?

387
00:14:15,811 --> 00:14:17,857
Seriously, dude, this is gonna kill me.

388
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,249
We've come too far, man.

389
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:20,642
Fine.

390
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:21,904
[exhales sharply] 

391
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:23,035
[inhales] 

392
00:14:26,996 --> 00:14:28,432
Hey, babe.

393
00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:30,086
Got a better Internet connection,

394
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:32,567
so now I can play D&D with my boys in the city.

395
00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:34,656
That's amazing. Yeah, and even better,

396
00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:36,701
one of the guys had to drop out,

397
00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,355
so there's room for you

398
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,574
to join permanently.

399
00:14:39,704 --> 00:14:42,055
No way. Super cool, huh?

400
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,839
'Cause I know how much you love playing the game,

401
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,886
because that's what you told me.

402
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,367
I know you lied!

403
00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:52,369
But how? No, I didn't! Uh-huh!

404
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,154
The ghosts told me. And it was genuinely haunting.

405
00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:55,807
I was in the shower, I was nude,

406
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,592
and then letters just appeared in the steam!

407
00:14:57,722 --> 00:14:59,376
Trevor. The ghost

408
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,291
without pants is watching me shower?

409
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:02,466
Gotta love that.

410
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:04,599
Sam, why did you lie to me?

411
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,601
I wanted to help you play with the ghosts,

412
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,472
but I really don't like your favorite game.

413
00:15:08,603 --> 00:15:09,996
Why didn't you just tell me?

414
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,606
Because I didn't want to upset you.

415
00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:14,348
And it just seemed easier to
blame the ghosts. I don't care

416
00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:16,306
if you like playing the game or not, okay?

417
00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:18,308
Objectively, you should, because it's awesome.

418
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:21,007
But honestly, I just miss my friends.

419
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,313
I know. And you have this whole group of people

420
00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,489
that-that you can talk to that I can't even see.

421
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,665
So the other night when we were all playing together,

422
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:29,841
I actually felt like I was part of the gang.

423
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:34,324
PETE: The British are coming! The British are coming!

424
00:15:34,455 --> 00:15:35,847
I do hear you.

425
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:42,332
So I guess things with Nigel didn't go so great, huh?

426
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:44,421
No, Sam, they didn't.

427
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:49,339
It has come to my attention that I, an officer

428
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:50,510
in His Majesty's Armed Forces,

429
00:15:50,514 --> 00:15:52,212
was murdered

430
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:55,476
by the shameful American
war criminal Isaac Higgintoot.

431
00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:58,131
Wait, that was the secret?

432
00:15:58,261 --> 00:16:00,437
This horrifying breach of
decorum shall not go unpunished.

433
00:16:00,568 --> 00:16:02,265
We are taking the house.

434
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,180
Well...

435
00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:08,271
if you insist that the time for words has passed...

436
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:09,664
Just coming through...

437
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:14,190
Then, no matter the cost in blood or treasure,

438
00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:19,108
my army and I will defend
this house to the bitter end.

439
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:23,373
If it's war you want...

440
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:25,723
then war you shall have.

441
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:27,899
So be it.

442
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:29,030
It's time for battle!

443
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:31,815
Oh!

444
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,689
[grunting, shouting] 

445
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:36,343
PETE: Get out of here.

446
00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:39,650
This is the war? I'm a pacifist,

447
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:42,001
but even I would like to see a little more action.

448
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:45,526
Oh! Damn this impotent existence!

449
00:16:45,656 --> 00:16:47,658
If I was alive, I would wipe you and your boys

450
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,138
off the face of the earth.

451
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,749
No, you wouldn't. You'd shoot me in the chest

452
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:51,879
while I was reading my poems!

453
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:54,448
Oh, wait. You already did that.

454
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:55,710
[breathily] : Well.

455
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,494
If we can't fight,

456
00:16:57,625 --> 00:17:00,236
then how the hell do we resolve this invasion, hmm?

457
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:04,284
If only there were some way to simulate actual combat.

458
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:06,764
What?

459
00:17:08,244 --> 00:17:10,464
Damn it, I may have the solution.

460
00:17:11,813 --> 00:17:14,120
Okay, I don't really understand what's happening here,

461
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:15,947
but I'd just like to say for the record,

462
00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:19,212
I am happy to solve all
future ghost conflicts this way.

463
00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:21,518
Okay, Pete, you are now face-to-face with...

464
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:23,042
Who's that guy? Oh, Jenkins.

465
00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:24,292
That's one of the British ghosts.

466
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:25,957
Okay, you find yourself face-to-face

467
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:27,959
with Jenkins' tiefling bard.

468
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:31,093
Okay. Well, then I unsheathe my moonblade

469
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:33,617
and whisper the phrase "swift defeat to my enemies,"

470
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:35,880
thus marking him as a sworn enemy, and giving myself

471
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,795
an extra 3d6 damage.

472
00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:39,841
Gadzooks, this is boring.

473
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:41,538
Why would anyone play this?

474
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:43,323
Okay. This is silly.

475
00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:45,107
Nigel,

476
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:47,544
my killing you was an accident,

477
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:49,633
but not telling you about
it for the last two centuries,

478
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:51,722
that was just plain wrong.

479
00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:54,899
And for that I'm truly sorry.

480
00:17:56,249 --> 00:17:58,555
Why didn't you just say something?

481
00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:00,818
I-I was afraid you'd be mad.

482
00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:02,255
SAM: Oh...

483
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,474
Isaac and the British commander are making up.

484
00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:06,650
Aw, that's nice. What did Isaac do?

485
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:09,697
He murdered him. Ooh, that
is hard to bounce back from.

486
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:12,569
I can see why that might be
a hard subject to broach, but...

487
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,616
how does one even accidentally shoot another?

488
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:16,965
Well...

489
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:21,100
I-I was really intending to spy on you-ur camp,

490
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:24,233
using a musket looking glass that I had invented.

491
00:18:24,364 --> 00:18:26,931
Some people are calling it the "Eyesaac."

492
00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:28,498
Like your name? But with...

493
00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:29,630
E-Y-E at the beginning?

494
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,633
Yes. How did you know? Well,

495
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:33,764
what else would it be?

496
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,375
Simply brilliant.

497
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:37,246
I love it.

498
00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:38,682
I mean...

499
00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:40,554
for an instrument of my demise.

500
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,251
And I love you...

501
00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:44,862
loving it.

502
00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:46,647
I love you loving it.

503
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:49,954
We shall consider the matter water under the bridge.

504
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:52,522
The invasion is cancelled.

505
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,872
But we can keep playing, right?
Yeah. Mama has a fourth-level spell slot

506
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:56,352
she's itching to use.

507
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:57,483
NIGEL: Thank you

508
00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:59,355
for your gracious hospitality.

509
00:19:00,530 --> 00:19:02,271
Until we next parley.

510
00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:04,839
Baxter?

511
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:07,233
[fife playing] 

512
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:10,366
A-About that,

513
00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:12,803
maybe it would help keep the peace

514
00:19:12,934 --> 00:19:14,675
if we, um...

515
00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:16,416
parleyed more often.

516
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,114
Interesting.

517
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,943
Perhaps, say, we could walk the grounds sometime

518
00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:23,988
to discuss the peace...

519
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,339
among other matters.

520
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,298
I'm... actually not...

521
00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,170
doing anything right now.

522
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:32,823
ISAAC: Oh, uh, s...

523
00:19:32,954 --> 00:19:34,303
splendid.

524
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,478
To the grounds.

525
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:38,045
[fife resumes playing] 

526
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:42,398
Uh, as you were, Baxter.

527
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,445
Stand down.

528
00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:51,581
Okey dokey, conflict resolved.

529
00:19:51,712 --> 00:19:53,583
Cool. All right, well, I guess
we're done playing, then.

530
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:56,325
No. Jay, D&D is not one of those games

531
00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:58,371
that's just done in an hour.

532
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,373
It's a rich, multi-chaptered campaign.

533
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:02,418
It could last for months.

534
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:03,593
Are you serious?

535
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:04,884
Do you really want to keep playing?

536
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:06,248
No.

537
00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:07,902
But I will, for you.

538
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:09,382
Aw.

539
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:10,948
Good. 'Cause I joined that book club

540
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:12,079
last year for you.

541
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,560
All right, let's roll for initiative!

542
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:15,083
[dice clatter] 

543
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,302
[laughing] : All right! 20!

544
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:29,402
Come on. Guys, we're not doing this.

545
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:31,534
This is not the new system.

546
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:32,796
I really want to smell some pepperoni.

547
00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:34,407
There is no way that I'm writing "pepperoni."

548
00:20:34,537 --> 00:20:35,537
JAY: Seriously,

549
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:36,800
this is super creepy!

550
00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:38,324
Are you guys

551
00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:40,369
still in here? Please leave.

552
00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:49,596
---oOo---