LISA: Previously on "The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City"...
I never thought I would read this book.
Oh, wow.
- Have you started it? - Not yet.
♪
- Whoo! - HEATHER: Bermuda, baby!
MONICA: [singsongy, echoing] Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
Honestly, this is insane,
and I really... have never had a birthday like this in my life.
Aw.
[sobbing]
We think her mom called her family and said,
"Don't meet with Monica," so they canceled on her.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
[continues sobbing]
Meredith said to Monica you're in the Greek Mafia.
♪
Meredith, you're accusing me of doing fraudulent things,
that I am in the Greek Mafia.
I have not made these claims.
We did talk about her being in the Greek Mafia.
- I did not say that. - You called her and told her
to look in her DMs.
Suddenly, after your conversation,
documents appeared from a fake account.
- I have not done that. - It's enough. It's done.
Meredith, it's done! You're done. We're sick of this.
I'm so done with you doing this mean sh-- to all of us.
♪
Thank you so much. It's so beautiful out.
♪
"Dear Mom, I love you so much. I'm gonna miss you so much,
and I hope you have a great time."
♪
"P.S. Please do not get arrested"?
[laughs and sniffles]
♪
[messaging bloops]
♪
[messaging bloops]
♪
[messaging bloops]
♪
[knock on door]
- Have you been knocking? - Yes!
[laughs] I was like...
I was about to be like... [pops lips]
...maybe something's wrong! [laughs]
I can't hear you.
Oh, that's shocking, 'cause I'm so loud.
[laughs]
I thought a lot about last night,
and I'm glad you agreed to meet me to go on a walk,
so thank you. - Oh.
♪
HEATHER: Oh, my gosh. It's so pretty.
MONICA: I know. It actually is stunning.
HEATHER: You can see all the pink sand bits.
MONICA: Yeah.
I really have been so excited for this trip,
and I...yeah, last night, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
You are married. You think you're as single as me?
You can sit here and judge my relationship
and justify all you want. - I'm not!
I'm just saying don't come at me and say you're as single as me.
The fact that you don't wanna play the game--
Shut the [bleep] up, like Whitney said to me last night.
No, the way she feels about this--
Wow.
I think I was just... tired and mad,
and... I really apologize,
and I didn't want to ruin your birthday. I hope I didn't.
- It was a lot last night. - Yeah.
And I'm sorry I contributed to it.
Honestly, Heather, I was so thrown.
But it felt like it started on the bus
when you were, like, questioning me
talking to my daughters about sex.
Like, I felt like you were coming at me a little bit,
and that surprised me, too. - So--
And so it was already there brewing, and then to have it,
like, repeat, it was like you didn't care, that you knew that
that was a touchy thing for us, and you just dove in.
So, I think that's why I reacted strongly.
It had started, and then you went for it again.
♪
Okay, look, we're getting to know each other, right?
And so we're learning things about each other
literally every single day.
And... now I know that certain topics
are not up for discussion, and I apologize for that.
I don't wanna freaking be in that place with you.
Well, let's not.
You've been incredible. Like, seriously, Heather.
Then let's not be in that place.
I am sorry. I did not mean to... Whatever. A lot of things--look.
I think there was a lot going on yesterday,
but let's just put ours--
Let's just know ours was nothing
and move on and enjoy the trip.
I mean, I would personally love that.
How are you feeling overall 'cause of the Meredith sh--?
- It's a lot. - I mean...
Like, that was a shock for me last night.
- What do you mean? - Or, I mean,
is Meredith behind the DM? I don't understand.
Do you think Meredith sent the DMs?
Do you think it's her fake account?
That's what everyone accused her of.
I...don't know.
- I didn't think that-- - What's your gut say?
I didn't think she would ever do that. I really didn't.
- I mean, who would ever do that? - I didn't think any of you guys
would ever, like,----ing do that. I would do that sh--.
- I was like... [laughs] - Girl, you would not.
Don't make-- say things like that.
I'm just saying, like, I don't--
- You'd do a fake account... - I mean, I'm pretty--
- ...and send yourself DMs? - No, not myself!
I just don't wanna face it.
I mean, it's not about Angie being in the Greek Mafia.
I don't think anyone's believing that.
This is about someone creating a fake social media account
to spread lies and negative gossip about us.
We have all been victims of it, even Meredith.
And it's hurtful when a stranger trolls us,
but to think that one of our friends would go so low
to harm someone in our circle is the ultimate betrayal.
It's devastating.
Listen, let's, uh, let's turn up today.
I know we can do it. We got it in us.
- We do. - And get ready for the yacht.
- Luxury yacht. - Just kidding.
Okay, once again, not reading the room.
Ah! [laughs] I'm kidding. I'm kidding!
♪
[line rings]
[ring]
[chimes]
Hi, honey. How are you?
SETH: Good. How are you?
- I'm tired. - How are you holding up?
I-I don't know. I'm, like, I'm struggling a little.
Like, Bermuda is beautiful,
but this has not been a real easy time. You know?
Like, literally, last night,
everybody came after me,
and it was insane.
Lisa yelled at me like crazy.
It was very, very nasty.
You're lying about this! You're sending her
the----ing DMs about Angie,
and it's enough. It's done. - I have not done that.
Meredith, it's done. You're done.
And it's not just Lisa. Like, Heather was not supportive.
Meredith, I would not let this sh-- get to you.
You're in a beautiful place with questionable behavior.
Yeah, I hear you.
I'm just trying to decipher what's really going on here
and who's responsible for what.
♪ It's a great day for a tennis match ♪
I grew up playing tennis. I'm no Serena Williams.
I don't have a tennis court in my backyard,
but I really do occasionally hit some balls around.
And playing tennis is great for stress,
and this trip has been... pretty stressful.
Do you play tennis?
Uh, I play with Shawn and Elektra once in a while,
but I'm not good at it.
So, you're gonna just hit these balls,
get out all the aggression. - Okay.
You know the professional tennis players,
where they go like this? They're like... [grunts]
- Oh, my gosh! That is... - [laughs]
Let me try that.
♪
[laughs]
Or if you wanna pretend that this is Meredith,
you could throw it nice and high... and boom!
Meredith.
♪
[voice echoing] You...
can...
leave!
- There we go. - Yes!
It took me three times to take that bitch out, but I did it.
Well, hopefully that knocked some sense into her.
Okay.
♪
[laughs]
♪
- Oh, the ball's out-- - I got it.
You get a couple bounces.
Couple bounces. Hold on! Oh! [laughs]
I thought this was gonna be easier than it is.
We're for sure joining a tennis club. We're so good.
Okay, well, at least we got a workout in for today.
Yeah.
Honestly, after last night,
I am just blown away that we are yet again
addressing Meredith spreading more rumors about me.
Last night was a next level of crazy to me
because she sat there at the dinner table
while everyone is coming at her,
and she just sits there like... - Oh, yeah.
Like, she's still happy to be at dinner,
and then we get back to the house,
and she has cake with us like nothing happened.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Monica
[tambourine jingling]
She really thinks that she can just skirt by without owning it,
taking any accountability,
and that it's just gonna go away.
Well, because she's guilty.
How long can you keep up that façade, though,
before all of us are gonna be like, "You're not safe.
You don't take accountability. You don't take responsibility.
We don't want you around"? - It's a wrap.
It's, like, crazy, psychotic disassociation.
It's unwell behavior.
But what about Heather freaking out at Monica?
I had no idea that that was coming last night
between the two of them. They were getting along great.
But, you know, every culture and every religion,
there is a lot of shame around sex
if you're not married or if you're not a certain age, right?
So, I wondered if that was
just an uncomfortable topic for Heather
because she's not married
and she's gotta deprogram from a lot.
Yeah, she wrote this book called "Bad Mormon."
Yeah, she's living a new lifestyle,
but if you really look at it,
we were shaped into who we are today
from our childhood, so that's just still there for her.
But, like, she doesn't wanna talk about her own sex life,
but she's okay to talk about everyone else's,
which----ing triggers me.
I just finished reading her book,
and of all the stories
she could have told about our friendship,
she chose to write about when I hired her
to shoot my boudoir photo shoot
as an anniversary gift for Justin.
It just rubs me the wrong way,
because she gets weird
when her sex life is brought up,
but, like, she'll write about mine.
I have whiplash.
From the tennis?
No, from all these relationships.
Oh, yeah.
♪
HEATHER: Coming up...
I do not understand
this mess that you've gotten yourself in.
I'm trying to process all this 'cause there's a lot
of elements here that aren't adding up.
♪
All right, you guys, let's just go.
Who's here?
Angie!
HEATHER: Are we waiting on Ange?
LISA: Yeah. Ange!
♪
LISA: Angie!
- Let's just go. We need to go. - okay.
'Cause the boat's gonna leave in 15 minutes.
- Good morning, sunshine. - JONATHAN: Good morning, love.
How are you today? Morning, my love.
- [singsongy] Morning. - How are you today?
♪
I'm here!
- Late, late, late. - [Angie sighs]
♪
Oh, my God.
WHITNEY: Are you shaving your legs on the go?
Oh... my God.
We're all getting ready on the van.
Just not the cooch on board. Don't do the cooch on board.
[whistle toots]
[laughs]
[seabirds calling]
♪
[yacht horn blows]
♪
LISA: Oh, it looks so good!
Hi!
♪
Thank you.
- HEATHER: Wow. - Oh, wow. This is amazing.
♪
Who wants a rum? Who wants a tequila?
- Lisa, this is so nice. - Awesome. So cool.
ANGIE: We haven't been on a boat together in a while.
- No. - Whoo!
The last time I was on a boat with these ladies,
my shoes went overboard.
Great!
♪
My shoes are gone? They're in the water.
But with all this tension today, I wouldn't be surprised
if someone ends up sleeping with the fishes,
'cause that's how the Mafia does it, right?
[indistinct conversations]
♪
After last night, I was hoping to have fun with friends,
but it's very clear that everyone is trying
to kind of ice me out.
So, I am on an island, and I don't mean Bermuda.
I mean, I am completely alone.
[bell clangs]
Welcome aboard the "Zara." My name is Jamison.
I'll be taking care of you guys today.
Uh, we'll be out at our anchor spot in about 30 minutes.
Until then, you're more than welcome
to explore the boat, chill out.
If you have any questions, like I said, just let me know.
Thank you guys for joining us today.
- LISA: Thank you, Jamison! - ANGIE: Thank you.
This is such a cute boat, right?
HEATHER: I mean, it's a catamaran, right?
- LISA: Yeah. - ANGIE: What does that mean?
A catamaran? It's just like a super sick, strong boat.
Like, I think it's the...
♪
WHITNEY: Oh! It feels so amazing!
♪
Put your arms out.
Turn and smile.
Okay, what have you guys got?
Beer, wine...
- Gin and tonic? - Gin and tonic.
Ooh, you're British. You better have gin.
Something for you?
I should probably stay consistent.
Wait, oh, and this--my skirt won't let me flip over.
There they are, the Bermuda Longtails.
[squawking]
We're swinging from side to side.
Don't break the boat, Whitney.
She's athletic.
♪
- Thank you so much. - Thank you so much. Thanks.
Meredith, right now let me just give it to you straight.
Okay.
We have a real friendship, and I was--
I, too, was blindsided last night,
because they all think you are creating a fake account
and sending DMs... - Well, I'm not.
...and then conveniently calling Monica.
She said it was convenient, and it was like--
I am not. I am not.
I do not understand this mess that you've gotten yourself in,
and I also do not understand your lack of a reaction.
I'm trying to process all this 'cause there's a lot
of elements here that aren't adding up.
Tell me about it.
I did not DM her information about Angie.
I did not accuse Angie of being the Mafia.
In fact, I told a story about the Mafia, and she planted that.
On the flight back from Palm Springs,
Monica and I sat next to each other,
and she went into great detail
on all kinds of rumors and dirt on Angie.
Then a few weeks ago, I went to lunch with Monica.
[clink]
And so after our lunch...
This is so charming.
MEREDITH: ...we were just chit-chatting, and I said,
"Oh, you know, it's so funny.
My friend told a story that the venue
a door or two down had been run by the Greek Mafia."
And Monica asked me, "Do you think Angie's a part of it?"
♪
And I said, "I have no idea."
Two, three weeks later, I received all kinds
of documents and information about Angie,
and they were all tying back to the things
she had been telling me on the plane,
which I thought was really weird to begin with.
So, why wouldn't I ask her, "Did you get this?"
But here's what's interesting.
You know why I called her when I got that DM?
Because the DM referenced a bunch of stuff that she had
already said to me, and that's why I called her.
At this point, I don't even know who to believe.
It seems like Monica hasn't really told us the full story.
But Meredith's history with DMs and digging up dirt
isn't making her look any better either.
You gotta go take care of it.
I guess I just have to deal with Monica.
♪
The sooner the better.
♪
Welcome to Long Island.
Probably not the same Long Island most of you know.
- [laughs] - But this will be
our anchor spot for the next little while.
There is food for you guys right down here--
tacos, all that sort of stuff. - Amazing.
If you need anything else, just let me know.
- Thanks, Jamison. - Thank you.
- Thanks, Jamison. - He said tacos.
You guys hungry? [laughs] Let's grab some eats.
♪
Do you want some food? We're getting some food.
In a sec. Thank you.
Yes.
♪
Well, this is one lonely little taco.
- Ooh, that's what I needed. - This is so good.
[gasps]
Monica, can I talk to you for a sec?
Yes.
[sighs]
- Okay, hop up. - Thank you.
Put the taco down.
Can we please just talk after the taco?
So, you know, there's a lot of moving parts last night going.
- Yeah, I believe there are. - And I'm trying to decipher
exactly what was going on.
Okay.
So, what I wanna know is how this has now become
I said she was in the Mafia.
- I don't know-- - Which you then got DMs about.
But you're saying that, "A," I sent you the DMS
and "B," I told you these things.
- Okay, first of all-- - And neither
of those things are true. - First of all,
I never came out and said, "Meredith sent me these."
We absolutely had a conversation about her being in the Mafia.
It felt very serious to me.
And you were like, "I know how we can find out."
I'm Googling. You're Googling. We really thought that.
We really did, and so I hate that we're--
No, I did not really think that.
What?! We both Googled "Greek Mafia in Utah."
- Right, that's not... - And--right! Okay!
That has nothing to do with Angie.
Okay.
It has nothing to do with Angie.
Okay, it does! 'Cause we were talking about Angie...
- I-- - ...and how she's Greek
and probably in the Mafia, maybe.
It's possible. Who knows? - No. I told you a story,
and you-- - She could be.
How does she have her house? She's----ing broke.
She has all these bills... duh-duh-duh-duh.
But somehow she still has money. How's she getting her money?
This is all the stuff you told me, Monica.
This just sucks. I thought Meredith was my friend,
and I definitely feel like she's leaving me
hanging out here to dry.
- Why can't you-- - Meredith, stop lying! Enough!
- Stop lying! - Lisa, I'm not lying.
You're lying! You are a liar.
You're lying right now! Don't do this to Monica!
You did it to Whitney. You've done it to me.
- You've done it to all of us. - I did not do that.
- You're a liar. Stop! - I am not lying.
Just admit it! You----ed up!
Say, "I----ed up," and we can all move on.
You----ed up! You're hurting good people!
Stop it!
Okay.
- Seriously, stop! Enough! - Lisa, stop yelling at me.
I'm not gonna stop yelling at you, Meredith!
It doesn't affect me anymore. "Oh, stop yelling at me.
Stop yelling at me," so calm. - Look who's yelling, Lisa.
You're not----ing calm. You're a mess.
- You're a----ing mess. - Okay.
And you're losing all your----ing friends
because you can't stop.
Oh, I have many, many friends.
Okay, you're not gonna have many, many more
when they see what a----ing liar you are
and you can't leave people alone.
Okay, fine.
But, like, does Monica just get a pass on participating?
- Because she may have told-- - No, she doesn't.
This doesn't----ing make sense to me.
No, she doesn't get a pass.
Like, you embraced her. She said all the same----ing things.
At least Monica's being honest about it.
This is exactly what I expected from Meredith.
It's like, at this point, it's like, just say the truth.
Like nobody's interested in hearing, like,
"I didn't do it" anymore.
Like, you're busted. We know you did it.
You guys, it's just, like, ridiculous.
And it's literally, like, tie her up
and throw her overboard
or, like, get some answers at this point.
You're gonna own what you did.
- This is exhausting. - ANGIE: I'm sure it is.
- LISA: Yeah. - If you lie...
- Yeah, we're exhausted. - ...in the lie.
- I don't----ing lie. - I'm not lying!
ANGIE: Exhausted about accusations...
- ...everyone about "friends." - ...about me
and my----ing family and my business.
- I didn't make the accusations. - I have been in Salt Lake City.
I own the streets of Salt Lake City
because I am a----ing reputable businesswoman.
I am not bringing up rumors, number one.
You look----ing guilty.
I believe that you sent them to her from a fake account
or had somebody send 'em to her from a fake account,
and I believe she is telling the truth,
and you're mixing words.
The story doesn't add up, but I believe Monica
because I participated in rumors, gossip,
and sh--ty behavior with Meredith last year.
So, I believe Monica because I see the pattern.
With Lisa, she's so hypocritical.
There were all these rumors flying about her.
Well, what have you heard?
Jen just made reference to there having been affairs.
♪
Some----ing documents appear about any of us,
I'm gonna think you did it, too,
because it's a pattern, and I'm sick of it. Bullsh--.
Hold on.
I'm tired of hearing that, 'cause that is incorrect.
And I'm getting very irritated about everyone's narrating me.
Don't narrate me!
LISA: Don't dig up sh-- on your friends.
Meredith, If you would just own it and stop,
this would all go away.
I'm getting really - ing pissed off!
♪
I am getting really - ing pissed off!
♪
I know who I am. I know what I do and don't do.
Like, if you guys want to believe this woman over me,
that's on you at the end of the day.
Like, I'm not gonna pour my energy
into some morons trying to accuse me of things I didn't do.
Clearly, we're not getting anywhere. I just wanna have fun.
We're on a beautiful catamaran. Let's go have fun.
WHITNEY: Look, we are gonna have fun.
Who wants to go swimming?
♪
LISA: She is literally wearing Whitney's hair. Gross.
[laughs]
[babbles]
[laughter]
- Okay, ready? One-- - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Whoo!
♪
Oh... my...
♪
[laughter]
♪
MONICA: Clean out the crotch, boo.
Clean out the crotch. Yes.
No, do it down.
Have a moment, bitch. [laughs]
Okay. Look, I know.
I think there's a lot of stuff going on that is...
inciting a lot of issues.
But I think we do need to sit down and talk.
I just... I don't know what to believe.
The reason I called Monica is because some of those things
that were in some of those DMs
were things that she had already mentioned to me.
And that's why I said, "Did you get a DM?"
That was it.
Well, why would you even entertain
or tell her to look at this or ask her about a DM?
If I got a fraudulent DM about someone
that I knew was bullsh--,
I wouldn't even say, "Ooh, did you see this?"
Because who gives a sh--? I-I'm not a fraud.
And the fact that you're possibly scared of me
and think I'm some terrifying... Mafia member?
I'm not scared of you. I don't--
What hurt you is 'cause I wouldn't--
I don't like somebody yelling and screaming
and the way you treat me, Angie.
Think about if you were standing in my shoes.
Why do I want to be around? Like, it's just,
it's unpleasant every time, and it just doesn't stop.
So, I don't know if we can reset
and try to be pleasant,
but you need to know that I am not out to get you.
Thank you. Because that's all I wanted from you last night,
is just some acknowledgement, and...
I just wanna move forward from this.
Look, I don't trust Meredith,
but if she's willing to take accountability,
I'll give her the chance to prove herself,
and if she proves she can be trusted, fine.
But if she continues to try
to destroy my reputation, then I'm done.
We can get you another water.
So, Angie and I spoke,
and the final conclusion is...
she's taking out a hit on me.
- I'm kidding. [laughs] - Oh, my God.
- I was like, wait. What? - [laughs]
♪
[horn blows]
♪
Jonathan, did you miss us?
♪
WHITNEY: Okay. All right.
So, I planned this beautiful dinner at this place called Blu,
and you have two hours to get ready.
MEREDITH: Okay.
- Mess. - All right...
♪
You what?
Absolutely. I mean, it's such a reputable agency.
You're, like, one of the best in the business.
Wow.
MONICA: This makes zero sense to me.
Why all the sudden
can Lisa and Meredith be screaming at each other,
but now Meredith is kissing Lisa's ass?
I have really enjoyed sleeping alone in a bed here.
What?
[Heather groaning loudly, laughter]
And if any--if any man wants a lesson
on how to use the nose, I will let you know.
I can see your nipple, boo.
- You're welcome. - I will never recover.
- [laughing] - Heather, have you actually
ever had someone really just nicely done that?
Whitney Rose, we know my boundaries
and please respect them. Thank you.
You and Monica, talk about ass eating all day long.
I'm not talking about ass eating.
We definitely haven't had that discussion.
Like, here we go again. Heather is uncomfortable,
so now she has to just keep shaming me
instead of empowering me.
- Heather... - [laughing]
...I'm so confused by your boundaries sometimes.
Same.
♪
Home sweet home. I'm gonna go jump in the shower.
I wanna be ready on time. I don't wanna miss the sunset.
See you soon!
WHITNEY: I'm gonna go shower.
♪
I think...6.
It's 4:30.
[knock on door]
[faint knocking continues]
- [singsongy] Monica. - MONICA: Who is it? Come in!
- Andy! - [gasps] Hi!
[laughs]
- Can we swap? - Yes.
Because I already showered and, like...
- Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, I'm trying my best.
[laughs]
You're more naturally beautiful than I am,
so I'm gonna go first. - That's such a lie.
Okay. I'm actually glad you're in here because,
literally, I felt like I was on another planet,
truly, on that----ing ride home.
I feel like it's like Meredith now knows,
"Monica's not doing what I want anymore,"
and so now I have to switch back to Lisa,
and I'm gonna make Monica the piece of sh-- now."
It feels like, "Oh, sh--,
Monica just left me out here alone
because she came out with all her crap
that we were talking about with Angie,
and now I have to hurry and do damage control
and get them back on my side."
- You're exactly right. - Yeah.
I believe you, and I think that she is starting to realize that
she's not gonna be able to get away with it anymore.
Craziest sh-- I've ever seen.
We'll get to the bottom of it tonight.
♪
HEATHER: Coming up...
But you're so mad at me, you won't even look at me.
You won't talk to me.
Like, it sucks, and I'm getting emotional.
♪
- Hi. - Here we are again.
- You look great. - You look beautiful, too.
- Thank you. - I love that color.
- We've got our blingy purses. - Oh, yes.
We are both very sparkly and kind of pastel-a.
I have my phone.
HEATHER: Allô!
- [gasps] - Green!
Oh, my gosh!
[singsongy] I heard we were seeing a sunset!
- What? - If you get here on time.
♪
[engine revving]
♪
WHITNEY: All right! You ready for some sushi?
- Hi. - HOSTESS: Welcome to Blu.
I'm Whitney, and we have a reservation for six.
ANGIE: This is amazing.
LISA: It's so pretty in here.
[gasps]
Oh, my God!
♪
It's beautiful.
[camera shutters clicking]
If I had to guess-- actually, your phone tells you
how many selfies you've taken.
[clicking continues]
Oh. I've taken 7,297.
♪
[click]
11,205.
You guys have the good light. Oh, actually,
I have the good light now.
WHITNEY: Take it. Take it while you got it.
I'd like to know Lisa Barlow's count.
It's always about me.
Well, according to my iPhone, I have 28,802,
Which is probably why I need 2 terabytes of storage.
Good evening, ladies.
This is our wine and cocktail list.
Thank you.
Do you wanna get a bottle of wine?
WHITNEY: Yeah, let's get a bottle.
- ANGIE: Right? - Yes.
SERVER: Ladies, ready?
- Yes. Beef tenderloin. - Beef tenderloin.
- Yeah. - Okay.
I forgot to bring my Excedrin,
and my migraine is coming back.
The left side of my face is just being so weird
the last, like, day.
♪
Smile big. Like, smile.
- I am. - No.
Just kidding.
Maybe I'm having a stroke.
No, 'cause you would have no muscle control.
I've had Bell's Palsy, full facial paralysis.
Really?
So, it paralyzes half your face,
and you can't really smile.
And I still only have, like, 98% back.
Oh, I'm sure that's scary. Terrifying.
Yeah. Oh, that would freak me out. Oh, my gosh.
And I had to get my Costco card, and it's like this
in the picture
'cause it looked just like I was like, fully--
Like, I had to tape my eye.
Oh, my God.
Going around taking the kids to school with my eye taped shut.
[gasps]
- [laughter] - Well...
I wish I knew you then.
It humbled the sh-- out of me. It really did.
It felt like God struck me down
and said, like, "Not today, Satan," yeah, yeah.
Sure, facial paralysis is funny now,
but it was really a horrible, horrible time of my life,
stress-induced.
My husband had just left.
I had three kids under the age of 8,
and I got struck with facial paralysis
right as I was trying to enter the dating scene.
[clenching teeth] And this is what it was like,
and I had to talk like this and had to say,
"Oh, thank you for coming to church today,"
Try to--And I just had to live my life.
New mom. Come at me, boys.
It's all in the book, ladies, if you just read the book.
♪
Wonderful. Thank you.
Are you crying?
- No. - Oh, okay. Are you sure?
- What's wrong? - I don't know.
Let's talk about this, 'cause I am definitely getting,
like, weird energy, and frankly, Meredith, I don't like it...
at all. - I don't like it either.
- I hate it. - I'm very upset.
I am upset as well because
I saw you two screaming at each other,
and then you go back in the bus with Lisa,
and you guys are like... "Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!"
But you're so mad at me.
Like, you won't even look at me. You won't talk to me.
Like, it sucks, and I'm getting emotional.
Am I not allowed to sit down and talk to Lisa?
What's wrong with that?
I feel like I came very hard today,
but I think it's, like, a sister thing.
Like, me and my sisters fight all the time.
I mean, I can be like, "Die, bitch."
- [laughter] - And, like, go shopping
five minutes later, you know?
So, I think it was very confusing.
I made a choice when we reconciled our friendship
to accept who you are,
and part of who you are is you get heated,
you have a bit of a meltdown sometimes...
- Yep. - ...and you move forward.
- Yeah. - But you're mad at me.
I didn't say I'm not mad at her. I didn't say--
Like, I'm letting it go.
It doesn't mean that we don't have
something hanging over that we need to deal with.
Yeah, there's a step in the middle.
There's a step in the middle that was missed.
Well, I would like a middle step as well, then,
'cause you won't even look at me.
You won't talk to me. That's not how we are.
[ice clinking]
Unreal, dude.
- Let's move on. - Take it to bed, then.
♪
So... does anyone have fun summer travel plans?
[laughter]
Ashley's going to Florence.
- Oh, amazing. Amazing. - Yeah.
Jack goes on his mission on Pioneer, right?
July 24th.
Okay, so he'll be there summering.
- He'll be there a year per June. - That's insane.
I know. It's fast. It's the 24th.
Even being here, I'm, like, loving it, and I love Bermuda,
and I can't wait to come back, but I'm, like, missing days.
- You know what I mean? - 'Cause it's the countdown.
I can't think of it, or I'll cry.
No, it's just, like, I know, like, that's it.
Like, I know he's never really coming home again.
[voice breaking] That's the part that's hard.
- I know. I know. That's-- - Yeah.
I know.
It's just the thought of not having him.
Lisa's emotions and behavior
have been all over the place the last few months,
but hearing her open up and talk about Jack leaving,
I'm sure it has something to do with that.
So, I think that we should give her a little bit of grace.
I mean, I can't imagine when the day comes
when Bobbie's gonna leave the nest.
Like, that--that has to be... really scary.
I don't even wanna think about it right now. [chuckles]
I feel like we need to redo last night.
Monica's birthday got sideways.
And there's a bar, and it is the oldest bar on the island.
- Is everyone down to go? - Okay.
Yeah. So, happy birthday to Monica.
- Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, Moni-Mon.
- [glasses clink] - This is such a difference.
HEATHER: Coming up...
Heather, I wanna have a conversation with you!
You're drunk and you're crazy. Get away from me.
- I'm not drunk or crazy. - You are both.
You exploited my vagina in your book!
♪
- We're here! - Wait. Do we need IDs?
Oh, wow.
I need to take a picture.
Yes.
[camera shutter clicks]
Oh, this is so. Oh, my...
So, we heard this is the coolest bar in Bermuda.
♪
Oh, I need a piña colada.
Ahh!
Oh, my gosh!
♪
Oh!
♪
Whoo!
[singsongy] Goslings Rum.
ANGIE: Okay, look.
HEATHER: Oh, that's Bratz doll-ish, but so hot.
- Here's your grandmother. - Whoo!
- [laughs] - Oh, shut up.
We'll do a Swizzle for everyone.
[cheering]
[chanting] Swizzle, Swizzle!
This looks awesome.
MONICA: Wait, what is this?
It's the Swizzle, named after the Swizzle Inn.
Oh!
Bitch, let's get our Swizzle on.
Swizzle is better!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Okay.
- Look. - [laughter]
Should we play a game?
[indistinct conversations in background]
- No. - No, we're not starting sh--.
[laughs] I cannot----ing...
[indistinct conversations continue]
Okay, who here has read your book?
Doesn't matter who's read it. It matters who's bought it.
- I bought your book. - Monica, did you buy her book?
- On audio. - You got audio?
I bought it. I have it at my house.
I bought your book.
How many have you sold? Do you know how many you've sold?
Yeah, I have a book scan. Like, I think...
I mean, I think at last count,
like, we're in tens of thousands like...
- [Monica gasps] - ...for sure.
- [gasps] - What is happening?
- What's happening? - We're in the Bermuda Triangle?
- Yeah. - What's happening?
[babbling]
That's the Bermuda Triangle!
[suspenseful music playing]
- Watch out. - MONICA: Watch out!
I have read your book,
and last night you were so uncomfortable
to talk about sex with her.
Last night was hard for me.
You told her to shut the [bleep] up,
but you openly write about my sexuality in your book.
I wrote the book, and it had nothing to do
with your sexuality. I told an anecdote
about you soliciting me for a boudoir photo and--
And you talked taking my clothes off, slinging my panties, like--
- As it happened. - I think that is hypocritical
that you won't talk about your own life,
but you'll write about mine in your book.
I don't talk about Whitney's sex life in my book.
I describe when I first met her,
I was a boudoir photographer, and she was a sexy model.
You never asked for my permission
to write about my sex-- - I wrote to you about four times
before and you said... - You never asked my--
"...take out the part where it's my decision
to take the panties off," and I did.
- I took it out per your request. - No, no, you're missing the--
'Cause you heard every single word.
You knew what it was before it went to print.
You're missing the point. You-- You won't talk about sexuality,
but you'll----ing exploit mine in your book
to----ing sell it.
♪
Like, what is Whitney trying to do,
take credit for the book being a Best Seller
because she and my friends are in it?
It's just not true. We've discussed my book
a hundred times, and she's known what was in it,
and she knows that it's not about her.
It's called "Bad Mormon," not "Bad, Sh--ty Friends."
- ...and I feel really bad-- - I told one stupid story
about your boudoir photography session,
and every word of it was true. - Yeah, and then--
But you won't talk about sex with her.
Every word of it was - ing true.
I never talked about your sex life.
You exploited my sexuality in your book.
Do you understand what you're saying?
- Yeah, I-- - 'Cause you sound like an idiot.
- Oh, you sound like an idiot. - I did not exploit
your sexuality. - You sound like an hypocrite.
♪
I'm an actual "New York Times" Best Selling author.
- Good for you. - And I think you're
a ridiculous bitch for even saying it.
- I--Oh, my God. No. - Out of the way. Out of the way.
- No. - I'm trying to leave.
- I wanna leave right now. - No.
- Don't... - You're pushing me.
- MONICA: Heather! Heather! - Jesus, Whitney.
- You took my shoe off. - Yes, I bet.
- You exploited my sexuality. - What is your sexuality?
You're wearing it right now! Own it!
Holy----ing sh--.
♪
This is my feeling, Heather!
I'm staying out of it. I'm stay--I'm staying out of it.
Heather! It's not fair that you sex shame Monica
and exploit my sexuality in your book!
Why are you so defensive about it?!
Heather, I wanna have a conversation with you!
I don't wanna have a conversation with you.
You're drunk and you're crazy. Get away from me.
- I'm not drunk or crazy. - You are both.
No, you--you're guilty, 'cause you know you exploited--
you exploited my vagina in your book!
Exploited...
You exploited my vagina in your book!
[bleep]
And you exploited something I did for my husband
in your book!
That's the goddamn truth,
and that's why you're running away
and can't stand in my face, because you know I'm right!
So, stop----ing lying and own your sh--!
♪
PRODUCER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HEATHER: I'd like to have a think...
LISA: Next time on the... [voice echoing] season finale...
of "The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City"...
Are you guys ready to go home? It's too nice.
LISA: Look at how beautiful this island is.
Aah!
[laughs] Did she just hit the car?
Hello, Bermuda beauties.
The theme is the Bermuda Triangle.
- [thunderclap] - [screaming]
I had some information confirmed today.
You guys, no. Seriously.
- [bleep] - [door slams]
She's someone that has schemed.
♪
I wanna confront her. She's not our friend.
What did you do?
- Disgusting! - What?!
There's no dark-ass little secret!
HEATHER: Deceit!
True timeline, everything to prove
that you are a----ing bully!
HEATHER: I cannot believe it's her. [sobs]
♪