ANGIE: Previously on "The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City"...
-Bermuda! -[cheering]
-Bermuda, baby. -[singsongy] Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.
It is cool being here where, like, my grandma was born
and my great-grandpa and great-grandmother,
like, built the houses and businesses here.
I'm catching a fish. Oh, my God. Aah!
-Ooh! [laughs] -Shark!
[lowered voice] I got so many more messages
about her sh--.
It had all the documents
of her and Shawn's finances and bankruptcy.
There's shady sh-- going on.
You said some nasty things and threatened my family,
so I responded to you. -I did not threaten your family.
Go look up the definition of a threat.
-Meredith, it was a threat. -No, it was not.
I guess you had a conversation with Heather where
I'm self-absorbed and you're helping me be a better person.
Why are you meddling in my friendship with Lisa?
I'm not! I... How is that meddling?!
Heather, shut the [bleep] up.
***
I'm on a mission to serve Lisa, and I love that for myself.
***
I own a beauty empire,
so I don't need any of your lip service.
I keep my friends close, but my secrets closer.
In a town full of dirty lies, everyone can use a bath.
I may be Greek, but don't expect an olive branch from me.
Having faith in myself is the only religion I need.
***
[alarm beeping]
***
Oh, my gosh.
***
-WHITNEY: Monica? -Yeah?
[singsongy] Where's the birthday girl?
[gasps]
-I hear it's your birthday! -Aah!
Look at how cute you look!
Wait, you're already, like, all done up.
-I'm ready for your birthday! -Aw!
Thank you! Can I open it now?
-Yeah. -Okay.
-Look at your view. -Girl.
Wait, what is this?
-This one's funny and cute... -Okay.
-...all at the same time. -"Salty AF"!
Okay. Should I wear that to breakfast?
[laughs] Just kidding.
I just thought it'd be cute to wear over a swimsuit or--
-No, I actually love this. -Yeah.
Okay. Thank you so much.
[air whooshing]
What is this balloon shape?
-Good morning! [gasps] -Good--Guten Morgen!
-Look! We're--we're matching. -I wish this was a party for me.
Oh, we are! We're both animals now.
-In the jungle. -Look at us in our jammies.
-You look cute. -Good morning.
Isn't this a glorious day out here? Look at this.
I know. I just got emotional. Like, we're in freaking Bermuda.
You know how to plan a girl's birthday party.
We're gonna make her, like, Queen for the Day with the...
Okay, we probably should do that.
-Try it on. See how it looks. -Should I?
-You know you want to. -Well, okay, yeah, you gotta--
-"Oh, should I? If you insist." -Should... [laughs]
Do I--Does it look like it fits? Did you have fun last night?
-No. -[laughs]
Is that gonna be every morning? "Did you have fun last night?"
BOTH: No.
Yeah. No.
-Hello. -Good morning.
-[singsongy] Good morning. -Oh, good morning.
-Oh, my gosh! Hi. -What's going on?
-It looks cute out here. -You wanna help us decorate?
We're decorating. I know you usually have
other people do this, but we're doing it ourselves.
This is really an incredible view.
-Sh--. -I know.
***
ANGIE: We're just talking about last night.
-Um... -So what do you think, Meredith?
-With Lisa and Whitney? -ANGIE: Yeah.
I think there were a lot of moving parts,
and I think Whitney was coming in very upset, rightfully so.
Like, she's, you know, in a hurt place.
She went for the jugular with me.
She told me to shut the [bleep] up.
Yeah, no, that was totally disrespectful.
I didn't like that.
I don't think anyone should speak that way, period.
-Don't [bleep] with me. -Okay.
Tell her to [bleep] off.
I don't believe in speaking that way.
That's my own personal view, and I'm not necessarily--
It's shocking to me that we're sitting here debating
over and over all the ups and downs of, like....
And not everyone's on board here 'cause that's not the first time
that has happened in this group. -...Whitney being petty. Hi.
-Good morning. -Hi, Whitney.
Good morning.
Did you hear your name as you walked in?
[chuckles] Yeah, I did, actually.
Well, we're talking about last night.
Like, why'd you come at me last night?
I am sorry that I said that to you.
I don't want to talk to you that way.
I'm sorry for speaking to you that way.
-Don't ever do it again. -Okay.
Okay. Oh, my gosh. See how easy that--
-No, she's fake hugging me. -[laughs] Oh, I'll hug you.
I really am sorry I said that to you.
I know.
I am genuinely sorry that I lost control of my emotions,
and I just hope that Heather is over it because
I don't wanna feel like I wasted an apology.
-Hey, who did this? -Me.
That looks like a freaking ball sack.
-[laughing] -You don't put
two "Happy birthdays" next to each other.
Well, okay, yeah, that-- That's what you wanted.
I've been throwing breakfast birthday parties
for my kids three times a year every year since they were born.
I do balloons in the room, birthday breakfast,
the "You are special today" plate.
I've got the routine down,
but these women do not seem to know a balloon from a ball sack.
I think she's a little more well versed
in the ball sack department. [laughs]
[snickers]
No, I-I wasn't trying to do a ball sack.
I was trying to make it look...
Do you wanna put this one over here?
-It was a sack fest. -The--the sack. A couple of...
Here, or have her walk under it?
LISA: * Happy birthday *
-Hi. Oh, no. -Oh, wait, she's not here.
-No, she's not here. -Oh, look how cute you look.
You're gonna make an entrance at her birthday party?
Yes! You guys, we did such a good job.
You just showed up in the nick of time.
Yes. I love the decoration.
Did you bring a freaking helium tank?
-No, it's a--it's a manual pump. -Oh. Oh, okay.
But you'll know how to use it. It'll come naturally to you.
-Oh, yes. Yes. -[laughter]
-It's how I get my Jazz tickets. -Oh, yes.
***
-[gasps] -Aah!
Happy birthday!
HEATHER: You're supposed to enter from there! So, get down!
-Yeah. -Happy birthday.
-Oh, my God! -Happy birthday.
We're still decorating.
This is so pretty!
Happy birthday, Monica.
You are now entering officially middle age.
-[music warps and winds down] -We're gonna start
with a traditional Bermudian breakfast,
so we can all grab--go in there, grab plates of food,
and then bring it out and then we'll, uh, celebrate.
This is so cool, you guys. I love it.
***
LISA: Okay, tell us about the breakfast.
-This is vegetable quiche. -ANGIE: This looks so good.
-CHEF: Breakfast potatoes. -Looks amazing.
LISA: I love Bermuda.
Am I sitting right here in the middle?
You, my darling, are Queen for a Day right there.
-Yes. -[gasps] Thank you!
***
-Oh, my gosh. This is so good. -Happy birthday, Monica.
You today are going to be crowned Queen for a Day.
-[gasps] -These are the rules. You have--
-Okay. -You have a special crown.
You have a scepter, and you have a queen's robe.
-Oh, my gosh. -Wow.
I've never been given the title Queen for a Day.
I literally have never thought about what I would do
with such power.
Honestly, I'm just happy to be here right now
and not having to, like, pick up poop off the floor, you know?
I just have to say... I don't wanna make it sappy.
But we all know I'm emotional, but...
[voice breaking] Honestly, this is insane,
and I really...have never had a birthday like this in my life.
Aw.
It means so much. You guys really have no idea.
-Aw. -Oh, happy birthday.
-Happy birthday. -So, thank you.
-To many more. -Oh, yes!
-Many more. -And many more.
Happy middle-aged. [laughs]
Happy middle-aged.
-Welcome to the club, bitch. -Girl, you're catching up.
No, seriously.
There have been a plethora of bad days lately.
My relationship with my mother
is in a very fragile, rocky state right now.
It's hard to not feel so overwhelmed,
and honestly, just sad.
And moments like this are what I cling to
to help me get to the next day,
to help me get to the next positive thing.
And I'm so grateful
that they were able to come together
and support me in this moment and do something special for me.
It's...the nicest thing
I've had done for me in a very long time.
Also, just so you guys know,
I wanna go jet-skiing on the ocean,
so we're gonna do that, but you're gonna have
a little bit of downtime to, like, go to the beach,
because I'm gonna go meet up with my family today.
I haven't seen them in 30 years.
-LISA: Oh, wow. -It's been so long.
That's a long time.
Yeah, I know. I'm nervous. I'm excited to see them.
It's been so long.
Are they in the same house that you,
like, that you were here last time?
Yes! They're literally in the same house.
That's gonna be a trip for you.
They all live in the same house together, and I think,
like, four or five of them will be there today.
What are you gonna talk to your family about?
I'm gonna tell them a lot about their cousin Linda.
Just kidding. [laughs]
-Just kidding. -I mean...
After therapy--after she didn't show up, actually, to therapy...
Your mom was supposed to be here today, uh, with you.
So, what's happening there?
The last couple days,
she kind of just lost her sh-- on me,
and I am feeling, like, alone,
and, like, what the [bleep] is wrong with me?
So, like, you can't even show up?
I didn't even wanna ----ing be here.
This was your idea.
She, um...has been contacting, like, my family here,
and she was like, "I wanna show up.
I just wanna surprise her. I just wanna be there for her,"
But I just feel like it's not about being there for me.
That's just how she's wording it.
It's about, "I wanna come to Bermuda.
I wanna see my family. I want--" You know what I mean?
'Cause when it--when it's time
to do the work in our relationship,
like therapy, she doesn't show up for that.
But when it's a trip to Bermuda, you wanna, like, show up?
Wow.
It's a mess. The whole thing really is a disaster,
and it's stressful and sad.
But...on that note,
we're gonna go to jet skis and then beach,
and then we come back here,
and we're going to get in our Bermudian pirate wench costumes.
***
Pirates of the Bermudian birthday theme.
Dinner in the costume. Get some booty!
Okay, you know I don't like to get dressed up,
so, uh, my contribution is hoop earrings.
Just full naked and giant pirate hoop earrings.
[laughs]
Hey, nipple covers, I'm assuming.
***
Whitney's having so much effect on you. I'm really proud of you.
***
-MONICA: Hey, you guys. -ANGIE: I wanna see it, though.
We're gonna leave soon, so, everyone, get ready to break.
Break!
***
[messaging bloops]
***
LISA: Hello?
-Whoo! -Oh, my gosh.
-You look so good! -Jet-skiing.
-Are you ready? -Oh, you're my jet ski buddy.
-I know. -Come sit down.
[posh voice] Sit here. [laughs]
Oh, my gosh. You and that scepter.
This echoes up here, too, so you sound super regal.
Yeah. [laughs] Thank you for coming up.
I wanted to just ask something of thee.
-Okay. -Okay.
So, I'm very, like, nervous and a little anxious,
a little overwhelmed as well,
to see, like, my family for the first time in 30 years.
-That's a long time. -Yeah.
And I don't wanna go by myself,
and I would love for you to come with me.
Oh, I'd be happy to.
-I really would love it. -I wanna meet your family.
Yay! I'm so glad you're gonna come.
-Thanks for thinking of me. -Yeah. I just feel like we are
really on this great trajectory,
and I would love to keep that going,
and I want you to be able to understand me more
and get to know me better and...
Seeing, like, who you come from
and where your roots are... -Yeah.
I think it's really, really cool.
-Yay. Thank you for coming. -No, I'm excited.
Things with Monica have been rough,
but the fact that she wants me to see
another side of her and to meet her family
and to get a glimpse into who she is,
I'm willing to go with her.
Like, I'm always willing to give somebody a chance.
I wanted to talk to you about something.
What?
Meredith called me, and she talked to me about
how she believes that Angie is in the Greek Mafia.
***
Oh, God. Oh, God.
***
Oh, my God. Are you crazy? That is the...
-No! I'm not crazy! -That is, like, nuts.
Like, the actual Mafia?
***
Oh, God. Come on, old girl.
***
We started talking about Angie and her financial situation.
All the sudden, about a week ago,
I start getting DMs on Instagram...
about Angie
and literal, like, legal docs
of her claiming bankruptcy,
Shawn claiming bankruptcy.
They owe $170,000 to the IRS.
These rumors are ridiculous, dumb, unfounded, and lies.
But the problem is it's Meredith's intention
to damage Angie's friendships,
relationships, reputations.
Like, there's so much ripple effect.
This is, like, horrible.
Like, it's ironic that she's having
this conversation with you, and then all of a sudden
you're getting documents to back it up.
This is what happened before with me. She did that last year.
It was the same thing with my SEC filing.
I was, like, sent a random DM with this SEC filing.
Did you talk about me and my businesses?
I really haven't talked about it other than in passing.
I honestly feel like Meredith
is setting you up. Like-- -Setting me up?
Yeah, to do her dirty work 'cause she hates Angie.
So, instead of carrying out the threat,
you keep your hands clean and send it "anonymously"
to somebody else and let them do it.
If I'm being used as a pawn to get information out,
that's really ----ed up,
and I'm gonna be really sad and disappointed that...
I'm once again being someone's scapegoat
for some bullsh-- rumors.
She's, like, losing it. Like, this is, like, crazy.
***
We're bitches, man. We're badass jet skiing bitches.
Yes, we are.
[Portuguese accent] Little people,
where are you? Come out here!
I don't know. I think we're about to find out.
[in Portuguese]
-Bitches! -Yes!
Bitch number one.
Bitch number two. Bitch number three.
***
Yes!
Let's all make up raps and see who does the best one.
I mean, how about we play the quiet game?
-Remember the Mormon rap? -I do not know the Mormon rap.
My parents didn't allow that type of secular music
in our home.
***
What color of house would you choose if you lived here?
Pink. Look at that, though.
The yellow-- that's actually beautiful.
-It's Ashley's favorite color. -That's actually pretty.
Baby butter--baby butter yellow.
Ashley's in a phase right now where she's, like,
living her best life. -Yeah, I love this for her.
She's blonde, on the beach with a Mercedes and a sorority,
a mom that just puts money in her account.
-LISA: I love this. -Has she had sex?
I'm not...That's Ashley's...
Just--I'm not talking about my daughter's sex life.
I don't shy away from conversations,
but there are certain things that I find disrespectful,
and there are certain things I consider sacred,
and my daughter's sex life is one of them.
I would never disrespect her like that.
Oh, I would totally... I don't think it's, like,
that big of a deal to know what's going on.
Like, I mean, what level are you talking about?
-Yeah. -Like, you want me to ask her,
like, how the sex is? -I mean, yeah.
Kris Jenner does it all the time. It works.
***
I've known Heather since she was 15.
Heather was a very strong LDS young girl,
and here we are on the topic of sex--
is making her very uncomfortable.
It's hard to deprogram ourselves
after we're taught certain things our whole life.
[singsongy] My goodness gracious.
Girl, are you a Bad Mormon or not?
I feel like a Bad Mormon would talk about sex.
[rhythmic island style music playing]
***
-Hello. -Hey!
-How are you guys? -Very good. Welcome.
-This must be the birthday girl. -What gave it away? [laughs]
Ladies, welcome to BDA Watersports.
We're gonna take you on a great jet ski adventure.
First of all, we need to get you into a life jacket.
***
-Thank you. -Try this one.
***
[sings indistinctly]
***
We're all gonna start the jet ski
on the count of three.
-Ready. -Three.
[indistinct conversation]
-Three. -Oh.
[motors start]
Jet skis make me so nervous. You have zero control.
My passenger had an IV less than 24 hours ago.
MEDIC: The IV's in.
The last thing I need to do is capsize
and send her into the ocean.
We won't see her for the rest of the trip.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
Hold on.
***
Aah! [laughs]
***
Aah!
***
Whoo! [laughs]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! [laughs]
This is the most wet and wild time I've ever had...
[screaming]
[bell dings]
...with another woman.
***
LISA: Oh...
Snapper. Come here, Snapper.
***
Oh!
Aah!
This is the best birthday present of all.
I have some little companions here
that like to eat just as much as I do.
[packaging rustles]
-[crew speaking indistinctly] -[laughs]
I've seen these fish eat more in these five minutes
than I've seen these women eat as long as I've known them.
***
Well done, guys! Good job!
-Thank you! -Thank you, Harry!
LISA: I loved it. Monica, you're nice and safe.
MONICA: Thank you, Lisa!
-Hi. -Does anyone want a honey stick?
Would you like a honey stick, Monica?
Definitely not if it turns my teeth blue.
-Like an alien. -Lisa.
-I'll try one. -Here. These are, like, little.
She's not that fun anymore, is she?
-No. I'm losing my edge. -Go back to the Kit Kat.
I don't know what happened to me.
I did have a Kit Kat this morning.
[indistinct conversations]
MEREDITH: Honey's really good for allergies.
LISA: It's so good. Yeah, it's so good for allergies.
***
[sobbing]
What's going on?
***
Wait, what just happened?
-[sobbing] -Monica!
-Monica! Monica! -[sobbing continues]
Monica, what h--where are you?
-[sobbing continues] -Monica, what happened?
-[sobbing continues] -What happened?
What happened? What happened? What happened?
Oh, my God. What happened? What happened?
***
MEREDITH: What just happened?
LISA: What happened? What happened? Oh, my God.
What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened?
[Monica sobbing loudly]
I was talking to Lisa,
and she literally just shot up and off the car.
And I saw Monica go out, and I thought I heard her crying.
-She's crying, right? -She was crying.
[Monica continues sobbing]
[gasping loudly]
Literally, just a couple hours ago,
I was getting ready to see my family,
and all the sudden, out of nowhere,
I get a text that they don't wanna see me.
And I can't help but think... [sniffles]
...that my mom was somehow involved
because I know that she wanted to be here.
I know that she's upset that she's not. [sniffles]
-LISA: Monica, Monica. -[gasping] Yes.
[whispers] Deep breath, okay?
I was so excited to see my family,
and I was so excited to go through pictures
I'd never seen before and hear stories about my grandma.
I feel like if my mom can hurt me, she will.
MONICA: 'Kay.
And I feel so alone.
It's like... [sniffles] one thing to feel like,
okay, I have a rocky relationship with my mom.
[crying]
And it's another thing to feel like you have no family at all.
[crying]
***
[whispers] Shh. Take a deep breath.
Do it five times.
[inhaling and exhaling deeply]
'Kay, you got it. You got it.
-[speaks indistinctly] -'Kay.
I can't believe Monica's mom would meddle
in something this important to Monica on her birthday,
and I feel like it has to be the worst feeling ever.
I feel bad for her. Like, I don't know much
about the dynamic between Monica and her mom,
but clearly it's way different than I thought it was.
It's gonna be fine. You didn't do anything wrong at all.
Yeah.
-Monica, are you okay? -BOTH: What's going on?
-No, I'm not, actually. -What's wrong?
-ANGIE: What's wrong, Monica? -Wait.
-I think my shoe is out there. -LISA: Do you need it?
-Your shoe? You lost a shoe? -[car doors close]
[crying]
-Okay, wait. -What's wrong?
Wait. We'll find your shoe. What is going on here?
[sighs]
-[sniffles] -[car door closes]
Can I say it, Monica?
We think her mom called her family and said,
"Don't meet with Monica," so they canceled on her.
-Are you serious? -Yeah.
[sobbing]
-They canceled? -Yeah, so...
-ANGIE: I'm sorry. -I know this really hurts.
-It's okay. -I'm so sorry.
You do.
I don't! I don't!
Monica, Monica...
You have those four beautiful girls.
You have your four beautiful girls, and you know what?
-We are excited to see you. -Just let her--
Just let her have a minute.
LISA: You're gonna be okay, I promise.
[sobbing]
Monica, I'm sorry she did that to you. I am so sorry.
[sniffles]
I'm sorry she let you down again.
-No, but this is, like, so big. -Again.
Like, I feel like I already don't know,
like, so much about myself, you know what I mean?
And, like, I feel like not wanted, like, anywhere.
Like, I'm not wanted at my in-laws, like, my own family.
Like, it's just, like, the sh--tiest ----ing feeling.
And to know that my own mother is, like...
I just...it's so gross. I just feel gross. [sobs]
We need to make your birthday better, so let's get back on it.
Let's get back in our happy place.
-Monica, I love you. -We're gonna have fun.
-Thank you. -Monica, I can't feel
sorry enough that this has happened to you.
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
-Thank you. -So sorry.
I really do appreciate that.
We've been talking about her visiting her family
from the first night we planned this trip.
I mean, this is why we're in Bermuda.
I feel terrible for her
that all of a sudden they're unwilling to meet with her.
Listen, Linda, you're not gonna ruin our day.
-MEREDITH: Linda. -Linda.
-We're having a birthday party. -Okay, are we ready?
HEATHER: Oh, wonderful. That sounds great.
***
Thank you.
This is gorgeous. Look at the coast.
LISA: You did everything.
You guys, look at what Heather did.
-Like, amazing. -Wow.
Are those the sandwiches you've been talking about, Heather?
-WHITNEY: Yes. -It's a Bermuda fish sandwich.
-Are they really? -And they're delicious, yes.
-Oh, my gosh. -Oh, and there's more treats.
There's just tons of food.
Heather, you thought of everything.
-Wow. -Oh, my gosh.
I kind of am obsessed that we have these fish sandwich.
-To Bermuda. -To Bermuda! Whoo!
-Monica! -And Monica's birthday.
-Monica's birthday! -[bottle pops]
-Aah! Whoo! -Happy birthday.
That ----ing scares me every time.
-I'll have a little, Heather. -But c'est la vie.
Say no more.
How are the Cheetos, birthday girl?
They're perfect.
Your crown is, like, hanging on by a little thread.
Well, that's about right for my life.
It's just dangling from one hair.
-[laughter] -You know what?
We should play a game.
And you know I-- know I don't really like games,
so this is, like, would be funny for me.
We should play Marry, [bleep], Kill
with husbands and ex-husbands.
-Okay. -How do you play this game?
HEATHER: You know how to play Marry, [bleep], Kill.
-I've never played it. -Okay, I'll start.
-All three? -Yeah.
Marry, [bleep], Kill?
My husband. All of 'em. [laughing]
Oh, my gosh. She's, like, all at the same time.
I'm-a marry Justin.
Oh, my God. Are we talking about other people's husbands?
-Yes. -[laughter]
I'm going to... [bleep] Seth.
Oh, my God. I am not playing this game.
[laughter]
And I'm gonna kill Shawn. I would [bleep] John and Seth.
-Wow. -Wow. Okay.
Do we ask why, or do we just go along with it?
-No, we're just having fun! -Okay.
-We're just having fun. -Yeah, but we always say that.
-Just having fun. -Always say that,
and it ends so bad. -I know.
I'd marry John.
Good choice.
-I'd [bleep] Shawn. -[laughter]
-And kill Seth. -He's gonna love that.
[laughter]
I would probably marry either Justin or Shawn
'cause I, like, think they're both funny and cool and stable.
Um...I have to [bleep] John Barlow.
-No, you gotta pick. -We all picked one.
I-I can't [bleep] anybody else.
-Stop. -Play the game.
I can't even think of anybody else.
-Not even for-- -Because I love ----ing John.
-What about a celebrity? -Idris Elba.
Goddamn, Lisa.
Let John's body get cold before you jump on top of Idris Elba's.
She was waiting to say that answer her entire life.
"What? What? Number two? Idris Elba."
[laughs]
-Okay, Angie K., let's go. -I'm gonna say Justin.
I just love his little dimple, and he's sweet and funny.
So, I'd marry Justin and kill your ex-husband.
-Thank you. -And then I'm gonna have sex
with my own husband. I'm with these girls over here.
-Oh, my Lord. -Yeah, sorry.
I'm picking Seth for everything.
First I'd [bleep] him, then I'd marry him,
then I'd kill him and take all the money.
Love it. Now that'sthe way to play.
-You win. -She plays dirty.
ANGIE: You do play dirty.
I need to get in the sun 'cause I'm cold.
-Let's go for a walk, Ange. -Okay.
I've got to stand up and move for just a minute.
-Oh. -I need to move.
My circulation is, like, sh-- right now.
You're gonna get a workout with me.
Here, will you hand that down? Pass it down?
[laughs]
Here you go, Whit. You guys want some?
-The sand is, like, amazing. -Beautiful.
I have to tell you something.
It's been literally, like, so hard for me
to keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to tell you alone.
So, Monica texted me after breakfast.
She asked me to come up to her room,
and she's like, "Can I get your opinion on something?"
I'm like, "Yeah, what's up?"
I guess she talked to Meredith, and Meredith said to Monica,
***
You said you'd [bleep] two of the husbands
when you only had to say one.
[laughter]
About a week ago, Meredith said to Monica, like,
she basically thinks you're in the Greek Mafia.
Meredith thinks I'm in the Greek Mafia?
You. You.
And I was like, you've gotta be ----ing kidding me.
This is ridiculous.
Well, I'd own the Mafia. Sh--, that's cool, right? [laughs]
-Meredith really believes... -She really believes it.
...that I am in the Greek Mafia?
Yes. Well, wait, it gets more-- there's more to it.
So, apparently, right before the trip,
Monica gets DM'd all these documents
about a Shawn Katsanevas.
There's, like, bankruptcies and then, like, tax information.
It's saying that you're part of a Mafia.
***
And I said, "That's Meredith DMing you."
This is what she did last year with my SEC filing. It's wrong.
I mean, I don't have proof, but I'm, like, I felt like
she spread the SEC documents about me last year.
'Cause it's what she does.
She is constantly threatening or trying to threaten my family,
my reputation, going and ----ing digging sh-- on me.
And if she wants to keep coming for me,
she is making a ----ing lifetime commitment.
Meredith is dismissing everything that I've worked for,
and I've ----ing had it.
I'm sick of her coming at my business.
I'm sick of her coming at my family.
It's like, enough is enough.
If she wants to see gangster, I'm gonna show her gangster.
Why does she bother to be nice to me
when this is what she's doing behind my back?
Like, she is a phony ----ing baloney fraud.
***
Come on, my little gangster.
***
ANGIE: Monica, are you feeling better?
Uh...yeah, right now I feel fine.
Good.
I gotta figure out what I'm gonna wear.
Did you bring anything pirate at all?
I went and bought hoop earrings.
***
ASHLEY: [over phone] Can you hear me?
Oh, my gosh. Hello? Are you there? Are you there?
-Hi! I'm here. -Babe, it didn't even ring.
I'm in a foreign country.
ASHLEY: I need some updates.
It's been pretty good. There's been some drama.
With you or just with other girls?
-Um, I got into it with Monica. -What was the drama?
She, like, wanted me to talk about your sex life,
and I said no. I refused. -Oh, jeez.
It's a non-starter. Don't come for me
and don't talk to me about my daughter's sex life or my own.
Ashley--she's an adult woman. I respect her.
I love her, I've raised her well,
and her sex life is not privy for my friends or for me.
ASHLEY: Well, I'm sure you're managing it the best you can.
HEATHER: I feel like I got my point across.
I love you. I hope you're having a great time.
I hope you're having great sex,
and I don't need to hear about it to know that.
[laughter]
***
Fun fact that might shock people is I actually read books.
I never thought I would...
Oh, wow.
-Have you started it? -Not yet.
I love true crime books,
books about spirituality, books about business,
but my favorite are always the thrillers.
And it seems like Heather's life is a combination of all of that.
***
MONICA: [singsongy] Come in!
[singsongy] New program.
-Hi. -Thou mayest enter.
Look at your room. It's so luxurious.
-Oh, my God. -Are you loving it?
I don't wanna go home.
Well, we've got a few more days.
I'll open this.
Thank you. Oh, this is gorgeous.
-Do you wanna go outside? -I know. Isn't it stunning?!
-It's like a dream. -It is.
Well, I hate to bring this up on your birthday.
-Okay. -But I just want you to know
that Lisa told me what you shared with her this morning
that Meredith said about me.
Yeah.
I have already gotten in trouble
for repeating rumors that I've heard.
I wish you would have just pulled me aside
without going around to other people in the room.
-I literally did. -I've heard things about you.
-Oh, my God. -But I would never repeat them.
-Come with it! Come with it! -No.
So...that better not be what's happening again.
[sighs]
Did she tell you about the DMs that I received?
Yeah. Yes. She shared everything with me.
Are you upset that I told Lisa?
-No, not at all. -Okay.
I just needed to hear it from the horse's mouth.
Okay. Well, just so you know, I did not tell Lisa this part,
but something that dawned on me after I spoke with Lisa,
after, like, my wheels started turning, and I've had time
to, like, be like, wait, what the eff's happening?
[sighs] I would have never even known about the DM
and having all of that in my inbox,
except for Meredith called me and said,
"Hey, have you gotten any DMs?"
-Hmm. -I was like, "No.
I don't get messages about any of you guys."
And she's like, "Well, I got one, so you must have got one."
And I was like, "What are you talking about?
Why would I get anything?"
And she was like, "Well, go check,"
and there it was.
I love that little breadcrumb that she left for you.
She should really bring this to my face
instead of trying to get you to do her dirty work,
because that's what she's doing, Monica.
And then she's gonna sit back
and sip her little cocktail and watch it all go down.
And in the end, you look like the big mouth,
and you look like a troublemaker.
Well, I mean, I do have a big mouth, and...
-That's okay. But use it for-- -[laughs]
Use it for something good, right? You don't need to take--
I mean, here's the thing. She knows that I will say it.
-That's what I'm saying. -And that I'll come out with it
and that I'll be like, "This is what's being said.
This is the rumor. This is this, this is that."
But, yeah, I wanted you to know that.
I'm grateful that you did not just keep this in
because it gives me the opportunity to address it.
-Yeah. -So, happy birthday.
MONICA: We're gonna have a great night.
-Yes. It's been enough for you. -You can bring it up.
I definitely feel like Angie and Meredith
need to just duke it out,
And if it needs to happen at my birthday party,
I don't care. I'm good with it.
I can get my cake to go because I also know
that's the only way I'm gonna be able to eat it.
We're gonna celebrate your birth--
Well, in true Monica form, start some sh--, girl!
HEATHER: Coming up...
You think you're as single as me?
You think we're equals, equally single?
Um, I do think I'm single. If I wanna go and [bleep]
someone right now, I could go [bleep] someone right now.
That's as single as it gets.
***
[line rings]
[ring]
-[chimes] -Hey.
Aw! Seeing your face makes me so happy!
Bri came out of the womb just this, like, old soul.
She is so chill and calm,
and she understands our family dynamic,
and she sees all sides.
So, the only person that I have wanted to talk to
since everything went down with meeting my family is Bri.
-What are you doing? -Picking up Westley.
Is she with you yet?
Okay. How are you doing?
Um, I'm okay.
Okay, you know how I was supposed to, like,
go see the family?
I think that Vovó, like, got involved,
and they decided that
they didn't wanna let me come over and see me anymore.
***
And then they just completely ghosted me
and stopped taking my calls and responding to my texts.
***
What could she have told them that would make them
cut you off completely?
I don't know. I had a complete meltdown.
Like, I ran off the bus and, like, ran into the bathroom
and was, like, bawling my eyes out.
I couldn't even catch my breath. I was, like, so embarrassed.
Mom, just know that there's nothing that you did,
and anything that they heard came from Vovó,
and it shouldn't reflect who you are.
And I'm sorry, 'cause that's terrible.
***
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
This is why I always tell you and your sisters
that at, like, the end of the day,
all you guys have is each other.
I don't think that they know yet
how lucky they are to have that little tribe of sisters,
and I hope that they never take that for granted,
because growing up as an only child...
[voice breaking] all I wanted was a sibling.
***
And...
if I did nothing else right in my life,
I know that giving my girls each other
was the best thing I've ever done.
[singsongy] And never, ever leave me 'cause I find you!
[laughter]
***
[pirate-style dance music playing]
***
[messaging bloops]
Oh.
***
Are you going to the same party I'm going to?
Girl, I'm wearing hoops,
and a "I just dug for gold" belt.
I mean, you look like a wench,
but not necessarily of the Seven Seas.
Let me see yours.
The pirate-y blouse is great. The Courrèges skirt is...
-It's pirate-y. -It's--It's--
-It's black cotton. -It's vixen-y.
[gasps] Oh, my wenches!
You went--You went for this.
-I mean, I knew I had to. -Wow.
Monica, we have matching belts.
[imitating pirate accent] Ahoy, mateys.
[cheering]
-Yes! -Happy birthday!
One of Monica's birthday wishes was to have a dinner
where everyone dressed up like pirates.
-Okay, let's go. -Whitney, meet us in the car!
Pirate seems actually pretty appropriate for us.
We're one step above plunderers as it is.
Oh! [laughs]
There'll be drunkenness. There'll be debauchery.
There'll be everything that a pirate dinner should have.
***
Whoo!
Did you borrow Whitney's eyeliner and she needed it back?
-Is that why she's delayed? -[scoffs]
'Cause it looks like you used her eyeliner.
That is not why she's delayed.
Oh, there she is.
-Hey. -HEATHER: Oh. Hello, vixen!
My costume came with something really funny.
My outfit came with a G-string,
and I thought it was an eye patch, and I put it on.
A G-string?
[laughter]
-LISA: That's hilarious. -MONICA: A pirate G-string?
-LISA: Oh...my...gosh. -[laughter]
***
[laughter]
-Thank you. -Thank you, Jonathan. Thank you.
ANGIE: Wow, this is quite the entrance to the sea.
MEREDITH: Careful, guys. Careful.
It's, like, not the safest of... Yeah.
[singsongy] It's a good thing I'm in platforms.
I might die on these steps breaking my ankle.
I should have put more research
into what pirate shoes looked like
'cause clearly stilettos were not invented yet.
Are we going to a cave?
[dramatic swashbuckling theme playing]
-ANGIE: What are those sounds? -WHITNEY: The jungle.
It's the mermaids.
-Hello. -Hi. How are you?
Good evening, ladies. Welcome to Grotto Bay Cave.
My name is Cosmin, and I gonna be your waiter tonight,
so please follow me.
-Thank you. -[gasps] Oh, my gosh.
-This is so cool. -The cave.
-Oh, we're really in a cave. -Yeah.
Oh, my gosh. Are there bats in here?
-COSMIN: No bats. -Okay.
-This is a weird... -MEREDITH: Uh-oh, be careful.
Oh, jeez. I'm, like, a little nervous here.
***
Wow, this--look at this. We need a photo in here.
Wore the absolute worst shoes for this.
[laughter]
It is impossible to walk the plank in stilettos.
It was hard to be a wench in 19-- or 1896.
Look at this. We are over the water.
I'm so focused on not falling through the grates.
-I think it's a fun night ahead. -WHITNEY: Oh, my God.
LISA: Yeah, we're good. We have a great menu.
HEATHER: This looks delicious.
For the birthday girl, would you like a drink?
-Can I do a Moscow Mule? -Hell, yes!
What's the Stormy drink called?
-Dark and Stormy? -LISA: Dark and Stormy.
-Dark and Stormy. -I would love a Dark and Stormy.
-I'll do a Dark and Stormy. -You don't have hot tea, do you?
Thank you so much.
Okay, you guys, I really do just wanna say
thank you guys for leaning in
and coming dressed as your best wench self, best pirate self.
I thought pirates would be cool 'cause we're in Bermuda.
Bermuda Triangle is The Devil's Eye.
Pirates, shipwreck, buried booty, all of that.
So, thank you for coming in full force. I love it.
[laughter]
I have an idea.
Since I felt sex shamed earlier on the bus,
I would just like to ask,
when was the last time everybody had sex?
***
-[scoffs] -Oh.
I don't know if it's like, the culture,
if it's Utah or what,
but talking about sex is like...
[dramatic voice] "How dare you?!"
[normal voice] You know? It's...don't "Shh!"
I had sex right before I left for the airport.
Oh! Good for you.
And then I almost did last night, but my vibrator's dead.
***
-Oh. -[chuckles]
-That's tragic. -I'm just kidding.
-I just said it... -That's tragic.
...so I don't wanna be sex shamed.
I had goodbye sex before my trip.
-Aw. -A quickie.
-There you go. -[laughs]
Like, it feels like middle school
getting pressured into saying, like,
"When's the last time you kissed a boy?"
And I'm like, "Oh, my God, don't ask me."
-MONICA: Lisa? -Night before.
Whoo!
Wait, Meredith, you didn't answer.
Seth left town, like, a day and a half before me,
so the day before he left.
-Heather? -I'm not answering.
You hate when people don't play games,
and now you're not gonna play. -I answered.
-Wait, I didn't hear you. -I said I'm not gonna answer.
All of you guys are married,
so it's an unfair question, and it's an unfair game.
-No, it's not. -ANGIE: No judgment.
Like, you all have spouses, so it's like a good game.
-They got the sex balance of-- -So? Single--single people
have sex, too. -I get it.
I'm well aware, but I'm not gonna share.
I'm not gonna talk about it.
I don't wanna discuss sex with Monica,
because I have seen the way she discusses sex.
I ----ed my brother-in-law for 18 months.
Oh, my God!
And it makes me very uncomfortable.
Like, let's just all be respectful of, like, the fact
that I am single, and I'm not in a marriage.
And, like, it's not about sex shaming.
But it's like, really, sh--ty that you would, like,
act like I'm ashamed to talk about it
when I'm just, like, trying to live my life and not be exposed.
I'm the only single person here, so, like, I think it's fair
for me to say-- -No, you're not.
-You are married. -I am literally going
through a divorce, and I would be divorced
if the ----er would sign the papers.
Just because he won't sign the papers
doesn't mean that I'm "married."
You think you're as single as me?
You'll think we're equal--you think we're equally single?
Um, I do think I'm as single. If I wanna go
and [bleep] someone right now, I could go
[bleep] someone right now. That's as single as it gets.
So, yes, I do think I'm as single as you.
Just because Mike won't sign the papers
has nothing to do with how single someone is. It doesn't.
You can sit here and judge my relationship and sex life
all you want... -I'm not. I'm just saying
don't come at me and say you're single when you're not.
The fact that you don't wanna play the game...
I played the game with my answer.
...and make it about me.
Listen, I respect how she feels about this.
-No one said that we didn't. -Shut the [bleep] up.
No, the way she feels about this--
Like Whitney said to me last night.
***
Listen, I respect how she feels about this.
-No one said that we didn't. -Shut the [bleep] up.
No, the way she feels about this--
Like Whitney said to me last night.
We should not play games anymore.
***
[sips loudly]
So, um...
the food's good.
***
I actually want to take the heat off you two.
And so, Meredith...
***
You have yet again come for me.
***
-I don't know what... -Be quiet.
-...you are referring to. -I'm about to tell you.
Okay. Go on and tell me.
Gonna wet my whistle
because it's kind of a lot of information.
***
So far, our appetizers were a kerfuffle with me and Monica.
For the main course, Meredith and Angie.
What's for dessert?
A rum punch from Whitney right in the face?
You're accusing me of doing fraudulent things...
***
...that I am in the Greek Mafia.
Wait, what? Angie in the Greek Mafia?
I grew up with Angie, and trust me,
she's no Tony Soprano.
Where are you hearing this stuff?
Meredith, you have one ----ing employee.
I have hundreds of people, and what you are doing
is risking the livelihood of my employees...
I didn't say any of this, Angie.
...by spreading rumors that I'm in the ----ing Mafia.
-I never said that. -You're being fraudulent...
I have never said you were in the Mafia.
-...being dishonest with money? -I have never accused--
Can a Greek person not be successful in their finances?
I have made no claims of anything, Angie.
-Oh, so this is all made up? -I have not made these claims.
You've never talked to anybody about any of these things?
You've never had one conversation
about any of these things?
-I've never had a conversation-- -Could a Greek--
...where I have said anything of that nature about you.
***
Are you kidding?
This is bold-faced bullsh-- happening right here.
We did have that conversation.
We did talk about her being in the Greek Mafia.
-I did not say that. -Yes, we did. Let's just own it.
You know what else we heard? Thanks to some DMs that were
sent to me on Instagram... -I've heard. I've heard.
...which was also very ----ing strange?
-You owe $170,000 to the IRS. -I don't.
-Who was saying that? Meredith? -I got DMs sent to me
on Instagram. -I didn't say that.
You got the DMs. Interesting. Monica said that
after you called her and told her to look in her DMs,
suddenly after your conversation,
that some documents appeared from a fake account.
***
-Tell 'em, Monica. -Yeah.
You called me one night. You said, "Did you get an A--
a DM from so-and-so account? I got one."
I go, and I look. Lo and behold, it's all there.
I don't know who this person is,
but I know who everyone thinks it is.
Well, it's not me. I'm really not.
This is suspicious.
Well, last year, there was DMs going around about Lisa
with the SEC filing, and you're the one who brought that up.
It feels almost exactly the same way.
It's pretty obvious that you're doing this behind the scenes.
I'm not doing anything. I'm living my life.
I work my ass off. I don't have time for this.
At this point, with-- with this group of women,
the accusations aren't even surprising.
I don't know what the issue is here.
I don't know if it's, you know, jealousy.
I don't know if it's hatred. I don't really know.
But they have been incessantly coming after me for nothing.
I've never heard of this.
-Never heard of it? -Never heard of what? Of a DM?
You've never heard of her claiming bankruptcy?
-No, no, no. -Look it up!
Google me, bitch! I do ----ing millions of dollars in business!
Millions!
I'll give you my Social Security number, my birthday. Google me.
Google my family. There is not sh-- on the Katsanevas family!
-I haven't said that there is. -Do you hear me?
There is not sh--. You're not gonna ----ing come
for my family. -You sent the DMs to Monica.
I believe you sent the DMs to Monica.
-You're ----ing classless. -Well, I didn't.
You're lying about this. You're sending her the ----ing DMs
about Angie, and it's enough. -I have not done that.
It's done! Meredith, it's done! You're done. We're sick of this.
I'm so done with you doing this mean sh-- to all of us.
-Stop it! -I'm not doing anything.
You did it to Mary. You do it to Jen.
You said before Jen even got arrested,
"She's gonna have a RICO case, a racketeering case."
What's gonna come out about me next?
Say it now, because I don't want ----ing DMs sent to Monica,
Angie, Heather, and Whitney. -That's how I feel. Say it now.
Okay, Lisa.
No, I don't give a [bleep]! I'm so over this!
-I'm so over this! -There's nothing to be over.
-I'm not doing anything. -She made me ----ing livid when
she told me earlier. You did. ----ing stop doing it!
***
LISA: [voice echoing] I'm so over this!
-MEREDITH: I'm not doing it. -You wanna dig up
stuff on people, we'll all start doing it, and I will
----ing go to the end. Trust me. I'm ----ing livid.
-I'm not doing anything. -I am ----ing livid.
I'm not.
May I get some bread? Is that his name? I need to know.
I just need bread. I need bread.
ANGIE: That's why I'm not afraid to be here.
-Nothing can faze me. -Do you need bread?
-I need it with butter. -I stand strong.
You know you've done this.
If you would come forward and admit it, we can move on.
-I am not doing anything. -You don't do--You know what?
I feel like you looked at Monica like you used to look at Whitney
and sent 'em to Monica, and it's like,
"Hey, Monica's a vehicle to getting this out there."
Do you guys think I sit around doing all that?
ANGIE: Do your ----ing dirty work yourself.
Because I did it for you last year.
-LISA: Yes. Yes, you do. Yes. -Oh, my God.
I don't get how Meredith doesn't realize, like, we're on to you.
Like, it doesn't take Inspector Gadget to figure out
what you're doing. She doesn't have superpowers.
Like, she can't make this go away.
There is no invisibility cloak. You're guilty.
I will not deal with lies.
If we wanna talk in truth, I'm all for it.
If we're gonna start lying and covering up stuff
and rewriting history, I can't do that.
I'm sorry. I can't be a part of that.
***
I can't be a part of that at all.
And listen, if one more ----ing DM shows up,
I will have my cybersecurity team go the distance on it.
-Go for it. -I will, like--
IP addresses. And you know what? There are easy ways...
-Go for it. -...to hide things, but you can
always figure out who's doing stuff.
Why in the hell does Lisa have a cybersecurity guy?
Like, do I need to get one?
I know she has seven attorneys.
I can only assume this is, like, Geek Squad in Armani.
LISA: John and I cross our T's and dot our I's.
Did you not expect us to have someone
that would work in cybersecurity?
Bitch, you've been warned.
My corset is too tight for this sh--.
You guys, can we take this back to the house?
-I just think we need to end it. -End it.
Like, this is, like, a whole thing that has to end.
We're friends. We shouldn't be hurting each other
in any capacity.
Listen, Meredith has a very sophisticated game
of pot stirring. I mean, she's very into documents.
Oh, It's ridiculous.
But to think one of our friends has gone to the trouble
to create a fake account to then send dirt DMs
that they've dug up on another one of our friends to themselves
is a huge boondoggle of deceit.
That would be very weird behavior.
MONICA: Next time on "The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City"...
It's so beautiful out.
***
[both scream]
***
LISA: She is literally wearing Whitney's hair. Gross.
Everyone thinks that you gave the DMs.
-No. -I do not understand
this mess that you've gotten yourself in.
Don't dig up sh-- on your friends.
I am getting really ----ing pissed off!
You exploited my sexuality in your book.
Do you understand what you're saying?
-'Cause you sound like an idiot. -Yeah, I--
Oh, you sound like an idiot.
I did not exploit your sexuality.
You sound like an hypocrite.
I'm an actual "New York Times" Best Selling author.
-Good for you. -And I think you're
a ridiculous bitch for even saying it.
-I--Oh, my God. -Out of the way.
-No, I-- -MONICA: Oh, my God, Heather!
HEATHER: Jesus, Whitney!