1
00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:16,979
I know many of you are feeling
pretty cheesed off

2
00:00:16,980 --> 00:00:19,979
about my speech last Saturday
delaying Strictly,

3
00:00:19,980 --> 00:00:23,819
but let me reassure you that
this lockdown will be different.

4
00:00:23,820 --> 00:00:26,979
We learnt vital lessons last time.

5
00:00:26,980 --> 00:00:29,979
Ergo facto, from midnight tonight,

6
00:00:29,980 --> 00:00:33,979
posting online photos
of your sourdough starter is banned.

7
00:00:33,980 --> 00:00:36,979
Zoom pub quizzes
and comparisons with the Blitz

8
00:00:36,980 --> 00:00:39,979
will result in immediate imprisonment.

9
00:00:39,980 --> 00:00:43,980
And finally, Joe Wicks
is now punishable by death.

10
00:00:44,980 --> 00:00:47,979
So remember our three-word slogan,

11
00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:49,980
not my fault.

12
00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:54,979
New James Bond auditions,
Harry Styles, take one.

13
00:00:54,980 --> 00:00:58,659
A martini, shaken not stirred.

14
00:00:58,660 --> 00:00:59,979
And non-alcoholic.

15
00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:01,979
I'm on a detox right now.

16
00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:04,980
Thank you.
I have pretty hands.

17
00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:12,339
♪ Hey, Fauci, you're so fired
You're so fired and then re-hired

18
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:13,979
♪ Hey, Fauci. ♪

19
00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:15,979
Sir, the election results
are coming in.

20
00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:17,499
Shouldn't we be watching TV?

21
00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:18,979
Antifa cut the cable.

22
00:01:18,980 --> 00:01:20,979
Or maybe we didn't pay the bill.

23
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:23,979
Shouldn't you, at least,
be getting some overhyped nonsense

24
00:01:23,980 --> 00:01:25,979
from your Twitter feed?

25
00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:26,980
Can't. I over-tweeted.

26
00:01:26,981 --> 00:01:29,979
Besides, I've got it in the bag,
everybody's saying it.

27
00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:33,660
Look at Jared, he's not worried,
he's cool as a cucumber.

28
00:01:36,980 --> 00:01:40,980
Plus, if there's any problem, I got
a direct line to the Supreme Court.

29
00:01:41,980 --> 00:01:44,979
"'I'm sorry, this number
has been blocked." Huh?

30
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,020
That's been happening to me
a lot lately.

31
00:01:46,021 --> 00:01:48,979
For the first time
since becoming Vice President,

32
00:01:48,980 --> 00:01:50,979
I'm going to be honest.

33
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:53,980
You've made a lot of mistakes
and not everyone is voting for you.

34
00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:59,979
Is that possible?
Have I somehow gone wrong?

35
00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:04,659
John F Kennedy, did I connect
with the American people like you?

36
00:02:04,660 --> 00:02:07,979
Did I make them understand how big,
truly big, my penis is?

37
00:02:07,980 --> 00:02:11,979
And you, Jim Washlington,
we're so alike.

38
00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:13,980
We both have great hair.

39
00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:19,979
And you,
Major Cheeseburger of Burger Town,

40
00:02:19,980 --> 00:02:22,979
my true political hero, how did I do?

41
00:02:22,980 --> 00:02:25,979
Fantastic. You were the greatest.

42
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,979
I knew it! Thanks, Burgy.

43
00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:28,980
Are you real, by the way?

44
00:02:28,981 --> 00:02:31,019
Pretty sure you're just insane.

45
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:32,979
One way to find out.

46
00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:34,979
I was wrong, I am real!

47
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,180
Argh!

48
00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:41,979
It's gonna be a great election,
the best election.

49
00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:44,980
Win or lose, there's still time
for me to get to Bolivia.

50
00:02:48,980 --> 00:02:51,979
Michael, you said
you'd take the bins out.

51
00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:53,819
Good evening, Sarah.

52
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:55,979
Well, firstly, let me assure you

53
00:02:55,980 --> 00:02:57,979
the bins remain very much my priority.

54
00:02:57,980 --> 00:02:59,979
Well, it doesn't look like it.

55
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,979
If I may, they remain my priority.

56
00:03:01,980 --> 00:03:03,979
But what we shouldn't forget

57
00:03:03,980 --> 00:03:07,979
is that this household has two
brand-new bins from Argos, a record.

58
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,499
But the binmen come tomorrow morning.

59
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,979
Well, that's your opinion.
I obviously have my own timeframe.

60
00:03:12,980 --> 00:03:14,980
But, Sarah, let me just...
Argh!

61
00:03:19,980 --> 00:03:23,979
Hello, ambulance, please.
I'm badly injured.

62
00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:27,499
My address? Forgive me,
I'm not going to answer that.

63
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,979
But what I will say is that,
under the Tories,

64
00:03:29,980 --> 00:03:32,980
emergency wait times
have dropped considerably.

65
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:37,979
New James Bond auditions,
RuPaul, take one.

66
00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:40,979
Hi, Bondage queens.

67
00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:44,019
I am loving this look
and working this look.

68
00:03:44,020 --> 00:03:47,499
Double oh seven. Double oh, my God!

69
00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:48,979
Cut!

70
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:50,980
Which way to Pussy Galore?

71
00:04:08,980 --> 00:04:11,979
Thanks for coming, everyone.

72
00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:13,819
Mum, I'm just going to say it,

73
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,019
we're concerned about the way
the firm is being run.

74
00:04:16,020 --> 00:04:18,499
Fuck off. Where's my sherry?

75
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:20,979
Damn it!
We're haemorrhaging countries.

76
00:04:20,980 --> 00:04:22,979
Even Barbados
wants out of the monarchy.

77
00:04:22,980 --> 00:04:24,979
And Scotland's talking about walking.

78
00:04:24,980 --> 00:04:26,979
Don't worry about Scotland.

79
00:04:26,980 --> 00:04:29,979
Leaving is their only bargaining
chip now their oil's worth crap.

80
00:04:29,980 --> 00:04:33,979
We all think we need younger,
fresher eyes in charge.

81
00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:35,979
The younger the better.
Yah!

82
00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:37,979
Vroom, vroom!

83
00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:38,980
I think what we're saying is

84
00:04:38,981 --> 00:04:42,979
we need someone younger, but also
older than the younger ones.

85
00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:43,980
That's not what I'm saying.

86
00:04:43,981 --> 00:04:46,979
You've got fresh ideas, Charles.

87
00:04:46,980 --> 00:04:47,980
Lay them on me, then, genius.

88
00:04:47,981 --> 00:04:49,979
Organic crackers.

89
00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:51,979
Oh, not that again!

90
00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:54,979
No, hear me out. This time,
they'll be a lot less crumbly.

91
00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:57,979
Can I jump in? My family sells
party supplies, right?

92
00:04:57,980 --> 00:05:01,019
Will and I are thinking synergy,
royal balloons,

93
00:05:01,020 --> 00:05:03,979
royal confetti,
royal kiddie birthday parties.

94
00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:05,339
Erm...

95
00:05:05,340 --> 00:05:06,979
Fresh ideas.

96
00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:09,659
Where's my sherry?

97
00:05:09,660 --> 00:05:12,659
Now, listen,
this is my fucking business

98
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:13,979
and I run it my fucking way.

99
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,979
We cut ribbons, we visit hospitals,

100
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:18,980
we give knighthoods to Asians,
understand?

101
00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:23,980
But, Gran, that's two glasses
of sherry in one afternoon.

102
00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:28,980
She's in a sherry coma.

103
00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:33,979
Then I have to step up
and run the firm.

104
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:35,980
I'm in charge!

105
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,979
Well, colonising Mars
was not that great a challenge,

106
00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:53,979
not for three intrepid chums like us.

107
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:57,979
We have excellent growing conditions
here in the scro-dome.

108
00:05:57,980 --> 00:06:00,979
Yep, there's no fertiliser
like human excrement.

109
00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:02,020
Dinner is served.

110
00:06:02,021 --> 00:06:03,979
Hey, we're past November 3rd.

111
00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:06,819
Wasn't something supposed
to happen on Earth?

112
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:07,980
Right.

113
00:06:07,981 --> 00:06:10,979
The mystery catastrophe
that we came here to escape.

114
00:06:10,980 --> 00:06:12,979
I wonder what happened.

115
00:06:12,980 --> 00:06:14,979
Why don't you call that minxy
little songbird of yours?

116
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:18,979
Oh, right, Grimey.
I love her so much.

117
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:20,979
Probably should have called her once

118
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,980
since we landed on a new planet.

119
00:06:26,180 --> 00:06:28,019
'Mars to Grimey.

120
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:29,979
'Come in, Grimey.

121
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:33,820
'It's me, Elon,
the father of your child.'

122
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:36,979
No answer.

123
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,979
Something really bad
must have happened on Earth.

124
00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:41,979
There's news coming in
on my Kindle Fire,

125
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:44,980
a revolution in communication
starting at only £19.95.

126
00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:47,979
Hi, everyone in space.

127
00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:50,339
Great news, I won the election.

128
00:06:50,340 --> 00:06:51,979
Very hugely won it.

129
00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:54,499
Some people might try
to steal it back, though.

130
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:58,499
So Space Force Army, get ready
to shoot down lasers and missiles.

131
00:06:58,500 --> 00:06:59,979
President out.

132
00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,979
My God, Trump won.

133
00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:06,339
Civilisation will be set back
a thousand years.

134
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:08,979
To a time
when Branson was actually cool.

135
00:07:08,980 --> 00:07:12,979
Yes, we'll need that cheery
good humour to get us through this.

136
00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:15,979
This is why my future self
warned me to get away.

137
00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:18,979
Which reminds me,
I'll be back in a sec.

138
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:22,979
And this time, bring the damn
bicycle pump, dumb-ass!

139
00:07:22,980 --> 00:07:24,979
So this is it.

140
00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:27,339
It really was a one-way trip.

141
00:07:27,340 --> 00:07:30,980
Then nothing left to do
but sit back and enjoy the poo pot.

142
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,980
Actually, there's no pot in that one.

143
00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:44,979
Dude, just want you to know
that I'm, like,

144
00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:47,979
totally Team Charles, always was.

145
00:07:47,980 --> 00:07:50,979
Ah, thanks, man.
I'm super ready for it.

146
00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:54,979
A lot of new stuff to learn,
like writing this Christmas speech.

147
00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:55,980
What have you got so far?

148
00:07:55,981 --> 00:07:57,979
"Hi."

149
00:07:57,980 --> 00:07:59,979
Let the jerk-offs in publicity
finish it.

150
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,500
Grab your sword,
let's make some knights.

151
00:08:03,980 --> 00:08:05,979
Why am I knighting you?

152
00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:09,979
I'm 100 years old and
I raised £50 million for charity.

153
00:08:09,980 --> 00:08:11,819
Cool story.

154
00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:15,980
I now pronounce you
Sir Thomas of, er...

155
00:08:17,980 --> 00:08:19,499
Oh, shit!

156
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,819
No big deal, first-time jitters.

157
00:08:21,820 --> 00:08:23,979
We regroup, we go again.
You the man.

158
00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:25,980
I the man.

159
00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:31,979
Enough fun meddling in election,
time for business.

160
00:08:31,980 --> 00:08:33,979
I am very impressed by you.

161
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:37,979
You cause pain and suffering,
crash world economies,

162
00:08:37,980 --> 00:08:41,979
destabilise governments
and kill people with no mercy.

163
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,979
You're like me, but cuter.

164
00:08:43,980 --> 00:08:48,979
Let's just say I've found
the Russian people very welcoming.

165
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:51,019
Comrade, let me cut to the chase.

166
00:08:51,020 --> 00:08:53,179
I want you to be
Russian Prime Minister.

167
00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:54,979
I am President.

168
00:08:54,980 --> 00:08:56,979
Every five years, we switch jobs,

169
00:08:56,980 --> 00:08:59,979
but I am always in charge.

170
00:08:59,980 --> 00:09:02,979
Interesting. What's in it for me?

171
00:09:02,980 --> 00:09:05,979
Oh, the best Russia has to offer,

172
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:08,979
state-of-art Russian video recorder.

173
00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:10,979
It uses magnetic tape.

174
00:09:10,980 --> 00:09:11,980
Great breakthrough.

175
00:09:11,981 --> 00:09:16,979
Or latest Russian smartphone,
stores up to two numbers.

176
00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:18,659
Game included.

177
00:09:18,660 --> 00:09:21,979
Mr Putin,
I thought you were a serious man.

178
00:09:21,980 --> 00:09:22,980
I am serious.

179
00:09:22,981 --> 00:09:25,019
This is serious negotiation.

180
00:09:25,020 --> 00:09:28,659
So, let's get started on vodka.

181
00:09:28,660 --> 00:09:32,979
Made in spiritual home of vodka,
Colchester.

182
00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:34,979
Enough!

183
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:37,339
I've already been offered a job
and I'm gonna take it.

184
00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:40,979
What job? I'm replacing James Corden
on his chat show.

185
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:42,979
Really?
Yes.

186
00:09:42,980 --> 00:09:45,339
They were looking for someone
kinder, warmer,

187
00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:47,979
and fundamentally less appalling.

188
00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:50,979
Hmm. So horrible, evil,
soulless James Corden

189
00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:53,979
is out of work and available?

190
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:57,979
Wow! Vladimir Putin, oh, my God!

191
00:09:57,980 --> 00:09:59,979
You're a legend, mate.

192
00:09:59,980 --> 00:10:01,979
How cool is this office?

193
00:10:01,980 --> 00:10:03,979
Oh, my God, a Betamax.

194
00:10:03,980 --> 00:10:05,979
A-mazing!

195
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,980
Wow! Is that your umbrella?

196
00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:10,979
Wow!

197
00:10:10,980 --> 00:10:12,979
And it had a poison tip.

198
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,180
Incredible!

199
00:10:15,820 --> 00:10:17,980
Oh, well, the search goes on.

200
00:10:19,020 --> 00:10:21,979
Another successful night for Foxman.

201
00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:25,979
I resolved a potentially deadly
dispute between two neighbours

202
00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:29,979
by helping them correctly interpret
a Section 106 planning obligation.

203
00:10:29,980 --> 00:10:33,980
Someone appreciates your work, sir.
You've received an anonymous gift.

204
00:10:35,660 --> 00:10:38,980
Rubbish, trash, half-eaten leftovers.

205
00:10:40,820 --> 00:10:42,979
Someone knows how to spoil the Fox.

206
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:44,020
Home-made jam,

207
00:10:44,021 --> 00:10:45,979
and it's got a lovely sheen.

208
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,980
Wait, sir, it might be a trap.

209
00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:51,980
It's not jam!

210
00:10:51,981 --> 00:10:54,819
It's the one substance
that can destroy Foxman...

211
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,020
Corbynite!

212
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:58,979
Drifting too far left.

213
00:10:58,980 --> 00:11:00,979
Obsessing about Israel.

214
00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:02,979
Electability dying.

215
00:11:02,980 --> 00:11:04,979
Sir, what should I do?

216
00:11:04,980 --> 00:11:06,979
Only one antidote to Corbynite...

217
00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:07,980
Blairite!

218
00:11:07,981 --> 00:11:09,980
To the Blair phone.

219
00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:17,300
People forget how popular these were.

220
00:11:17,980 --> 00:11:20,979
'A new dawn has broken, has it not?

221
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:23,979
'Education, education and education.

222
00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:27,499
'She was the people's princess.'

223
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:29,979
My fox powers have returned
stronger than ever.

224
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:31,979
In fact, let's invade somewhere.

225
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:33,980
I'll prepare the dossier.

226
00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:38,979
New James Bond auditions,
Oprah, take one.

227
00:11:38,980 --> 00:11:40,979
Why are you here, Mr Bond?

228
00:11:40,980 --> 00:11:43,979
To bring fresh garden vegetables
and love.

229
00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:46,339
Market day!
Cut!

230
00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:48,980
I say cut, dear.

231
00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:52,819
Ah, the perfect crumble.

232
00:11:52,820 --> 00:11:55,499
Next we attack the tawny port
and plum jam market.

233
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:56,980
Yah.

234
00:11:57,980 --> 00:11:59,979
I'll jam your plums!

235
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:01,979
She came out of her sherry coma.

236
00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:04,979
What the fuck have you done
to my business?

237
00:12:04,980 --> 00:12:07,979
I've sold a damn sight more
ginger chutney than you ever did.

238
00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:10,499
I the man.
Well, I'm back in charge.

239
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:11,979
Wait, the dogs.

240
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:13,979
While I was out, did you walk them?
No.

241
00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:15,979
But so what if they piss on the rug?

242
00:12:15,980 --> 00:12:17,659
You idiot!

243
00:12:17,660 --> 00:12:20,980
They're royal corgis. They're
trained never to pee indoors.

244
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,819
Ah!

245
00:12:28,820 --> 00:12:30,979
Legal trouble got you down?

246
00:12:30,980 --> 00:12:32,979
I'm Kim Kardashian West,

247
00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:33,980
kriminal defence attorney,

248
00:12:33,981 --> 00:12:35,979
and I'm here for you.

249
00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:38,980
Whether you accidentally on purpose
leaked your own sex tape...

250
00:12:40,980 --> 00:12:43,980
..or had a disagreement
with your sister on national TV...

251
00:12:45,980 --> 00:12:47,979
..or maybe killed someone,
I'm not here to judge.

252
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:49,979
That's his job.

253
00:12:49,980 --> 00:12:51,979
All I care about
is bringing you justice

254
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:54,979
and making a super-awesome
documentary about me doing it.

255
00:12:54,980 --> 00:12:56,979
Kim gave me excellent legal advice

256
00:12:56,980 --> 00:12:58,979
about signing this waiver of privacy.

257
00:12:58,980 --> 00:13:01,019
And now you're in the documentary.

258
00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:03,979
Kim explained
I better not start any more fires

259
00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:06,979
after she got me out of jail.
That would be terrible...

260
00:13:06,980 --> 00:13:07,980
for my brand.
Huh?

261
00:13:07,981 --> 00:13:09,979
Kim refused to work for me

262
00:13:09,980 --> 00:13:12,659
because my facial hair
looks guilty on camera.

263
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:15,979
No-one feels sorry for sideburns,
that's bad TV.

264
00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:18,339
I'm Kim and I'll take your case.

265
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,179
Because I care... about me.

266
00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:21,979
Keeping up with the Kourtroom, baby!

267
00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:23,980
K&K out!

268
00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:32,979
Why are there all these
small explosions?

269
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:36,179
Are they human larvae
popping from their growth pods?

270
00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:39,979
No, it's Bonfire Night,
people are sending up rockets.

271
00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:42,979
Ah, that is an inefficient use
of rocket fuel.

272
00:13:42,980 --> 00:13:45,979
They should send one big rocket
to Jupiter's moon, Lysithea,

273
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:47,979
where the minerals are plentiful
and sweet...

274
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:49,979
according to a podcast.

275
00:13:49,980 --> 00:13:51,979
Well, it's a bit of fun
for the kids, really,

276
00:13:51,980 --> 00:13:54,979
and a celebration of the fact
they caught Guy Fawkes.

277
00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,979
What is a Guy Fawkes?

278
00:13:56,980 --> 00:13:58,979
Oh, don't play dumb, Dom.

279
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:01,979
He put a load of gunpowder under
Parliament and tried to blow it up.

280
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:03,819
Say that again.

281
00:14:03,820 --> 00:14:06,980
He didn't agree with Parliament
so he tried to blow it up.

282
00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:13,979
No wonder he is celebrated so highly.

283
00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:17,019
Well, no, it's more the fact
that he got disembowelled

284
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:18,979
and ripped into pieces.

285
00:14:18,980 --> 00:14:21,979
So, hypothetically,
if I were to blow up Parliament,

286
00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:23,979
would that happen to me?

287
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,979
No, no, no, I wouldn't even sack you.

288
00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:27,980
Too right, you wouldn't.

289
00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:34,979
I'm sorry, Mother,
but you leave me no choice.

290
00:14:34,980 --> 00:14:37,979
I've organised a hostile takeover

291
00:14:37,980 --> 00:14:40,819
in partnership with
a giant international consortium.

292
00:14:40,820 --> 00:14:43,979
I'm very excited to be part
of this historic merger.

293
00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:46,979
Jesus, you're selling us out to China?!

294
00:14:46,980 --> 00:14:49,180
It's not that big a step.
Check your crown.

295
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:51,340
Ah...

296
00:14:51,341 --> 00:14:52,979
There's nothing you can do.

297
00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:54,339
I've the votes of the board behind me.

298
00:14:54,340 --> 00:14:55,979
We don't vote.

299
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,020
I'm the Queen.

300
00:14:57,021 --> 00:15:01,979
Perhaps you forgot,
this is a constitutional monarchy.

301
00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:04,979
You're a constitutional fuckwit.

302
00:15:04,980 --> 00:15:06,979
All those in favour of selling
the thousand-year tradition

303
00:15:06,980 --> 00:15:09,980
of British monarchy to
a Chinese despot, raise your hand.

304
00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:16,980
No, you don't.

305
00:15:16,981 --> 00:15:18,979
'Fraid you lose, Charles.

306
00:15:18,980 --> 00:15:21,979
Damn it!
Xi said I could be king of China.

307
00:15:21,980 --> 00:15:25,979
No, I said you could run the King
Of China restaurant in Cleethorpes.

308
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:26,980
The offer is still open.

309
00:15:26,981 --> 00:15:28,979
Can it sell organic crackers?

310
00:15:28,980 --> 00:15:30,979
The offer is now closed.

311
00:15:30,980 --> 00:15:32,979
Oh!
OK, vote done, I'm Queen,

312
00:15:32,980 --> 00:15:33,980
everybody fuck off.

313
00:15:33,981 --> 00:15:36,499
I like your authoritarian style.

314
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,499
I have another merger proposal.

315
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,979
I have pangolins, you have corgis,

316
00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:43,979
how about we cross-breed them?

317
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:46,979
Hmm, a pangolorgi?

318
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,980
Well, at least it would be more
intelligent that these shitheads.

319
00:15:51,980 --> 00:15:53,979
What are you up to now, Dom?

320
00:15:53,980 --> 00:15:56,979
Collecting gunpowder
to blow up Parliament?

321
00:15:56,980 --> 00:16:00,979
Don't be ridiculous,
gunpowder is ancient technology.

322
00:16:00,980 --> 00:16:02,819
I am collecting lithium batteries.

323
00:16:02,820 --> 00:16:04,979
May I borrow your mobile?

324
00:16:04,980 --> 00:16:05,980
Will I get it back?

325
00:16:05,981 --> 00:16:08,179
If not, what are the consequences?

326
00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:09,980
None.

327
00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:13,499
James Bond is a spy.

328
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:15,339
What a terrible guy.

329
00:16:15,340 --> 00:16:16,979
No, stupid, God!

330
00:16:16,980 --> 00:16:20,339
Why did I agree to write the theme
song for the new James Bond movie?

331
00:16:20,340 --> 00:16:23,979
I don't get him.
I'm younger than 9/11.

332
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:26,979
Don't worry, Billie, I'll 'elp ya!

333
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:30,820
I went through exactly the same
fucking thing with Skyfall.

334
00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:41,979
♪ In the old days

335
00:16:41,980 --> 00:16:43,819
♪ It was easy

336
00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:47,979
♪ Almost no emotion
A scuba tank explosion

337
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:49,979
♪ A sexy cigarette

338
00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:51,979
♪ Some boobs in silhouette

339
00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:56,980
♪ And then you sing
The title three times

340
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:04,979
♪ Sing the title three times

341
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:07,979
♪ A sky enough to die

342
00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:09,339
♪ Who knows what it means?

343
00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:13,180
♪ Just sing it two more times

344
00:17:16,980 --> 00:17:21,980
♪ A sky enough to die

345
00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:27,339
♪ But it's so much harder now

346
00:17:27,340 --> 00:17:30,979
♪ How to make Bond seem progressive

347
00:17:30,980 --> 00:17:34,659
♪ Not a creepy sex obsessive

348
00:17:34,660 --> 00:17:40,979
♪ Cos there's nothing very pleasing

349
00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:46,179
♪ About venereal diseasing

350
00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:51,979
♪ It's a movie for dads

351
00:17:51,980 --> 00:17:57,499
♪ But the theme must be sung
By the trendy and the young

352
00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:03,979
♪ So we will make it so sad

353
00:18:03,980 --> 00:18:06,979
♪ Play the piano really slow

354
00:18:06,980 --> 00:18:09,979
♪ And sing it soprano

355
00:18:09,980 --> 00:18:12,979
♪ And imply his childhood traumas

356
00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:16,500
♪ Now James Bond is so sad

357
00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:25,979
♪ Apologies to your dad. ♪

358
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,339
It was better with Sean Connery.

359
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,980
Still, glad they kept the boobs.

360
00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:37,979
Dom, how's the plan
to blow up Parliament coming along?

361
00:18:37,980 --> 00:18:39,979
Exceedingly poorly.

362
00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:41,980
I need a drink.

363
00:18:47,980 --> 00:18:49,180
Ah...!

364
00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:58,979
Little Red Riding Hood
was off to see her granny.

365
00:18:58,980 --> 00:19:02,979
But though her mummy had told her
to stick to the main path,

366
00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:04,979
she decided to take a shortcut.

367
00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:06,979
Hello, little girl.

368
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,980
What's in your basket?

369
00:19:09,980 --> 00:19:13,979
A Glock nine-millimetre with modular
optic slide and reversible magazine.

370
00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:15,979
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, kid.

371
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,819
Let's just keep it polite.

372
00:19:17,820 --> 00:19:19,979
You've taught me an important lesson.

373
00:19:19,980 --> 00:19:22,979
In fact, I'm going back to school
and getting a job.

374
00:19:22,980 --> 00:19:24,979
The National Rifle Association,

375
00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:27,980
making everyone's life better.

376
00:19:36,980 --> 00:19:38,659
Mum?

377
00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:39,979
Mum!

378
00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:42,019
She's gone!

379
00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:44,979
Like fuck I am.

380
00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:47,339
I had myself uploaded to the cloud.

381
00:19:47,340 --> 00:19:49,980
I'm going to run this business forever.

382
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:56,980
Oh, stop crying!

383
00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:03,979
Kia ora! Another practically
perfect day in New Zealand.

384
00:20:03,980 --> 00:20:07,499
Yes, Jacinda, except for this
bit of arthritis in my knee.

385
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:09,339
We can't have that.

386
00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:12,979
But thanks to recent legislation,
we have a solution.

387
00:20:12,980 --> 00:20:14,979
♪ With every joint
That seems to ache

388
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:17,019
♪ There is an option you can take

389
00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:19,019
♪ We passed, you see

390
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:22,339
♪ A law for you and me

391
00:20:22,340 --> 00:20:27,979
♪ A spot of euthanasia
Helps the elderly go down

392
00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:31,659
♪ The wobbly go down
The knobbly go down

393
00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:35,979
♪ A spot of euthanasia
Keeps the health bill way down

394
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:38,980
♪ In a cost-effective way. ♪

395
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:40,980
Actually, my knee's fine.

396
00:20:40,981 --> 00:20:42,980
Best to be sure.

397
00:20:43,980 --> 00:20:46,979
New James Bond auditions,
James Corden, take one.

398
00:20:46,980 --> 00:20:48,979
Oh, my God!

399
00:20:48,980 --> 00:20:51,499
I'm auditioning for James Bond!

400
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,979
The greatest! The coolest!

401
00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:55,979
The best spy in the world!

402
00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:57,979
The legend. Wow!

403
00:20:57,980 --> 00:20:59,980
Unbelievable!

404
00:21:05,820 --> 00:21:08,979
♪ He'll be flipping up
Some flap-joes when he comes

405
00:21:08,980 --> 00:21:10,979
♪ Da-da-da... ♪

406
00:21:10,980 --> 00:21:13,019
Joe, why aren't you at headquarters?

407
00:21:13,020 --> 00:21:16,819
Well, I am, right between
the griddle and the fryer.

408
00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:18,979
Hey, can I get you started
on a Lumber-Joe Special?

409
00:21:18,980 --> 00:21:21,979
It's like a Lumberjack Special
except I make it.

410
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,979
He's been cooking all night.

411
00:21:23,980 --> 00:21:26,979
Gotta catch up on these orders.
That's the phone book, Joe.

412
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:29,979
Did you tell him the election results?

413
00:21:29,980 --> 00:21:32,979
At his age, you've gotta
break news like that gently.

414
00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:35,819
I only just told him the Dodgers won
the World Series.

415
00:21:35,820 --> 00:21:37,979
So great for Brooklyn.

416
00:21:37,980 --> 00:21:40,499
Er, yeah, I'm going to tell him.

417
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,979
What? Before he's finished
making breakfast?

418
00:21:42,980 --> 00:21:44,979
You are fucking mental.

419
00:21:44,980 --> 00:21:46,979
Adele, what are you doing here?

420
00:21:46,980 --> 00:21:48,979
Lady Gaga said his eggs were...

421
00:21:48,980 --> 00:21:50,979
♪ Whoa, whoa. ♪

422
00:21:50,980 --> 00:21:52,980
I'll get some going for you.

423
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:56,979
Joe, you won.

424
00:21:56,980 --> 00:22:00,979
Fantastic. Who's getting
a super-scrambled Biden hash?

425
00:22:00,980 --> 00:22:03,979
Er, I guess the whole nation.

426
00:22:03,980 --> 00:22:06,980
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪

427
00:22:10,660 --> 00:22:12,979
I lost!
Mayor Cheeseburger lied!

428
00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:14,979
How could he lie
when he's so delicious?

429
00:22:14,980 --> 00:22:16,979
Hey, where are you going, asshole?

430
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:19,980
Hey, man, I got a job on Fox & Friends.

431
00:22:45,980 --> 00:22:48,980
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