1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,440
Good evening.

2
00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:03,640
In this season
of peace and goodwill,

3
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:06,440
the producers of Spitting Image
have extended an olive branch

4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,760
and invited me
to turn on the holiday lights

5
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,440
at the Spitting Image studio.

6
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:12,920
Right,
let's look at the instructions.

7
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,680
"Stand at the switch box...

8
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,560
"..put your foot
in the bucket of water,

9
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,480
"and pull on
the bare copper electrode."

10
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:25,520
PAINED JABBERING

11
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:30,000
WHIMPERS, GASPS

12
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,440
Are they pretty?

13
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,680
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

14
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,920
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

15
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,400
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

16
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,720
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

17
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:49,880
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

18
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:52,840
POLICE SIRENS

19
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,040
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

20
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:02,240
Whoa! Something heart-warming
and whimsical's about to happen.

21
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,240
Thank goodness I've got
my John Lewis rucksack.

22
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,520
All right?

23
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,280
Can we be friends?

24
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,440
HUM OF ENERGY

25
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,880
Teach me about Christmas.

26
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,160
It's about family, togetherness,

27
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:23,120
and great deals
on non-stick saucepans.

28
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,920
Can the people of Earth
get quality at low prices?

29
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,320
Absolutely.

30
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,120
Now do you see
what Christmas is all about?

31
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,720
Yes. A slow-cured chestnut gammon
from Waitrose.

32
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:35,240
Did... someone... order a gammon?

33
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,800
William Shatner?!

34
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,800
I... saw the starship arrive,

35
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:43,320
and I knew I must save this alien
from your manipulative marketing.

36
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,520
Christmas is not
about shopping in stores,

37
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,320
or standing in line,

38
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,960
or the deafening ringing
of cash tills in your ears.

39
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,440
Then what is it, William Shatner?

40
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,120
It's about finding great deals
on Amazon Prime

41
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,280
from the comfort of your own sofa,

42
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,680
which, by the way,
you could have delivered next day.

43
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,640
Wait. So this is an advert
for Amazon Prime?

44
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:07,320
Indeed. And... is that your mother?

45
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,120
ETHEREAL MUSIC

46
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,480
Yes. William Shatner,

47
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,720
what is... love?

48
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,480
I'll... show you.

49
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,080
SMOOCHING

50
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,760
Mum! Gross!

51
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,680
I don't know what Christmas is,
but it's not this.

52
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,000
SMOOCHING

53
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,800
And for the top of the tree,

54
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,240
the Scottish angel, William Wallace.
Ha-ha-ha!

55
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,320
BAGPIPES

56
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,280
He teaches us
the true meaning of Christmas.

57
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,240
That's right, Holiday Haggis.

58
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,760
Hating the bloody English!

59
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,600
Speaking of self-defeating
Scottish legends... Ugh!

60
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,080
Alex Salmond? What do you want?

61
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,000
A smooch under the mistletoe.

62
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,640
After all, I helped make the case
for Scottish independence.

63
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:53,520
Och, well... I suppose so.

64
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,600
Glasgow kiss!
Oh!

65
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,560
Why not visit Scotland
for a holidays?

66
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,920
It's cold, dark,
and everyone's pished.

67
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,560
Happy Hogma...

68
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:04,840
Ow!

69
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,520
He looks so real.

70
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,440
I wonder what could
bring him to life.

71
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,640
VOICE OF BORIS:
A good nip of your dad's brandy.

72
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:15,800
Oh, OK.

73
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,160
SHIMMERING CHIMES

74
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,360
Boozius Maximus!
BELCHES

75
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,640
You're real!

76
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:28,600
Yes, and I'm going to take you
on a magical flight

77
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,640
to see Britain under my leadership.
Everything levelled up.

78
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:33,520
Well-paid jobs for the young,

79
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,560
and the old looked after
in decent care homes.

80
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,720
I've "built back better".

81
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,640
I can't wait to see that!

82
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,200
And you will.
But first, I need more fuel.

83
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,440
GROANS

84
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,280
SLURS: You know what's great?

85
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,680
Pornography.

86
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,000
What about my magical flight?

87
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,280
Just keep voting Tory.
And bring me some sausages!

88
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,200
Snowmen love sausages.

89
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,000
CHOMPING

90
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,040
Oh, bloody hell.
I'm getting the meat sweats.

91
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,320
What's going on here?

92
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,760
Uh-oh.

93
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,800
Dad, this snowman's been
promising me things he can't deliver

94
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,000
and helping himself
to everything we've got.

95
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,840
Just ignore him.
He'll melt away before long.

96
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,000
He's melting already.

97
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,720
No, I'm just having a piss.

98
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,080
Merry Christmas!

99
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,520
Ugh!

100
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:31,440
TO TUNE OF 'WALKING IN THE AIR':
# I'm pissing on this hedge

101
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:36,000
# I'm pissing
On this family's hedge. #

102
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,480
Hey! amazing!

103
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,400
James Corden here
with a message for... Michael.

104
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,520
Michael, you broke up
with your girlfriend,

105
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,600
and your mates say
there's only one thing

106
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,120
that will cheer you up.

107
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:56,000
Me singing you a song from Cats
right next to the monkey enclosure.

108
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,280
Crazy! Here we go.

109
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:01,160
# Bustopher Jones
Wears white spats... #

110
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,200
MONKEYS SCREECH AGGRESSIVELY

111
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,280
Monkeys! Amazing!

112
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,880
Did I cheer you up?

113
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,040
MONKEY SCREECHES

114
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:19,720
Ms Waller-Bridge,

115
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,120
I'm so happy you're helping
write this year's Christmas speech.

116
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,800
It needed a good zhoosh.

117
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,480
Thank you, ma'am.
Plus, I'm even posher than you are.

118
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,520
LAUGHS, SNORTS

119
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,360
Now, then, I like the start.

120
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,960
A trying year,
importance of family,

121
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,600
a bit about the Commonwealth.

122
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,880
But where's
all the naughty Fleabag bits?

123
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,400
You wanted all the filthy stuff?

124
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,800
Oh, one was rather
looking forward to that.

125
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,160
I wanted to do a saucy bit
about a hot priest.

126
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,400
One's butler had even acquired
a vibrator.

127
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,240
Look, ma'am, I'm a serious writer.

128
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,840
I'm not just a lot of gimmicks
and naughty words.

129
00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,280
Come off it, love.
We've all seen Fleabag.

130
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,600
"Look at me,
talking about sex all the time,

131
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,080
"breaking the fourth wall."

132
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,680
Your Majesty, you've got completely
the wrong idea about my work.

133
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,320
I'm sorry, but I quit.

134
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,120
I'm off to write a serious play...

135
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,280
with this up my arse!

136
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,480
VIBRATOR BUZZES 'GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'

137
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:15,200
Great idea, coming together
for a friendly Christmas kickabout.

138
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,240
Yeah, setting aside our differences.

139
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,840
Like the Christmas Day truce
in the trenches on the Somme.

140
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,320
You know what else would be nice?

141
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:24,440
A truce from being
such positive role models.

142
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,040
Yeah. Being a shining example
of non-toxic masculinity

143
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,640
does my nut in.

144
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,200
Well, let's do it.

145
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,760
Merry Christmas, Kane,
you stupid wanker.

146
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:34,880
LAUGHS

147
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,800
Back at you, you big-nosed twat!

148
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:41,240
Wow! My football heroes.
Can I get a selfie?

149
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,400
No, but you can have
a bottle of piss.

150
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,600
Argh!

151
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,760
All: Bollocks to the fans!
LAUGHTER

152
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:51,440
MOURNFULLY PLAYING
'HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING'

153
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,040
Oh, don't you just love
the holiday season?

154
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,760
No! My feather boa hasn't arrived.

155
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,640
I won't have anything to wear
on Christmas Day.

156
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,960
But we've got a whole separate house
just full of clothes.

157
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,680
I don't care!

158
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,800
I've had enough disappointment.
I'm ending it all.

159
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,000
Don't you try and stop me!

160
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,920
DAVID HUMS ABSENTLY

161
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,120
ELTON SEETHES

162
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,480
No-one loves me.
I wish I'd never been born.

163
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,400
Sod it! I'm gonna jump.

164
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,760
Don't do it.
ELTON GASPS

165
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,920
Brad Pitt? Fuck a duck!

166
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,400
I'm your guardian angel.

167
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,400
We always appear
as the person you most fancy.

168
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,640
I like it.
CHUCKLES

169
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:32,920
So, what happens now?

170
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,240
I'm gonna show you
what the world would have been like

171
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,440
if you'd never lived.

172
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,960
Oh, blimey!
We're in the White House.

173
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,360
And that's Bernie Taupin!

174
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,360
He's the President.
What?!

175
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,120
He didn't have to spend his life
keeping you on the rails.

176
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,360
He went into politics

177
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,360
and got the Democrats
and Republicans working together.

178
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,920
To gun control.

179
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,560
To zero taxes.

180
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,560
But what about all those songs
we wrote? Bernie!

181
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,520
What about Crocodile Rock?

182
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:03,800
He can't hear you.

183
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,960
Sure, you didn't write any songs,

184
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,400
but everyone's seemed
really happy with that.

185
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,640
Well, I don't like this at all.

186
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,920
Where's my husband?
I want to see David!

187
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,320
No problem.

188
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:18,480
David has spent his life
trying to make movies

189
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,440
that aren't about Elton John.

190
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,000
Because you never lived.

191
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,680
He can't have gone far doing that!
MOCKING LAUGHTER

192
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:25,800
Well...

193
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,320
What about his personal life?

194
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,160
He can't possibly be happy
without me!

195
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,320
DOOR OPENS

196
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,120
More wine, babycakes?

197
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,080
Tom Cruise?! But he's not gay.

198
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,720
And we're not suggesting he is.

199
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,480
Tom Cruise
is definitely heterosexual.

200
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,360
But somehow they make it work.

201
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,480
I hate this world!

202
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,520
There's no me in it,
and everyone's happier.

203
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,760
Oh, take me back.

204
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,480
I want to see David -
the REAL David!

205
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,480
Not the one
who lives with Tom Cruise,

206
00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,080
who is definitely heterosexual.

207
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,280
GROANS

208
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,600
CLICKS FINGERS

209
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,400
JABBERS

210
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,400
Elton, there you are!

211
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:10,160
Thank God!
Brad Pitt showed me a world

212
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:15,240
where Bernie Taupin was President
and you lived with Tom Cruise!

213
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:16,280
Have you taken drugs?

214
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,000
Ha! It's true.

215
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,920
Oh! Where's Brad Pitt?

216
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,000
DOORBELL

217
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,560
Your feather boa.

218
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,760
Fabulous! You're an angel.

219
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,200
Christmas can begin!

220
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,240
Ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho!

221
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,680
Oh, Aneurin, this could be
a terrible Christmas.

222
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:38,200
Some people can't get their turkeys,
and I'm powerless to help.

223
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,880
You're a politician.
No-one expects you to do anything.

224
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,240
By day, yes.

225
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,320
But by night, I am Foxman,

226
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,480
the masked avenger
who brings justice...

227
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,600
wherever permitted by
the legal and regulatory framework.

228
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,360
And there's one thing
the Fox is good at:

229
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,280
catching poultry.

230
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,600
TURKEY GOBBLES

231
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,040
You're working class!
Stop running away from Labour!

232
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,400
Oh!

233
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,640
Oh! Ow, ow! Stop!

234
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,160
Please, ow!
There's a fox stealing our turkey.

235
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,640
Not stealing!

236
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,600
Redistributing foodstuffs,

237
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,400
for which
you will be fully compensated

238
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,200
according to a schedule of fees
determined

239
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,120
by a duly appointed commission...
GUNSHOT

240
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,760
Ow!

241
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,920
Well, it was the only meat
the butcher had.

242
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,400
It's even blander than turkey.

243
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:23,920
Finally, I'm useful!

244
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,720
Shut up, dinner!

245
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,800
Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg
and Elon Musk,

246
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,440
your companies affect the lives
of everyone on the planet,

247
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,120
yet you billionaires
do whatever you like.

248
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,320
Why shouldn't we rein you in?

249
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,480
TO TUNE OF 'THREE LITTLE MAIDS
FROM SCHOOL ARE WE':

250
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:47,120
# Three billionaires, so cool are we
Running the world's economy

251
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,360
# Giving our time so generously

252
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,200
# Three billionaires so cool

253
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,800
# Maybe you'd rather use snail mail

254
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,840
# Go to the store and buy retail

255
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,280
# Travel to Mars by Amtrak Rail

256
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,560
# Three billionaires extraordinary

257
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,560
# Make modern life so very merry

258
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,920
# So here's the answer to your query

259
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,960
# We billionaires are cool

260
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:17,160
# Three billionaires are cool. #

261
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,360
Ah, you know what?
I'm not convinced.

262
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,960
Release the lion.

263
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,080
ROARS

264
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,360
SCREAMING

265
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,000
Well, it's been quite a year
for the Queensmen,

266
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,560
the elite secret service team

267
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,720
where good mental health
always comes first.

268
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:37,800
How are we all feeling?

269
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,560
Positive! Not bad.
Fantastic.

270
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:40,600
Good.

271
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,920
But if you have any anxiety issues,
use the emergency comfort blanket.

272
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,000
OK, situation update.

273
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,440
Joe Wicks dealt with a plot
to destroy the UK nuclear sub base

274
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,800
at Faslane, but had to pull out
because he was feeling insecure.

275
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,440
Jurgen.
The Clyde site was destroyed,

276
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,960
but Joe's feelings improved
after doing burpees.

277
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,000
Always works!

278
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,440
Burpees, burpees, burpees!
Positive, positive, POSITIVE!

279
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,280
Excellent.
Our other operation was in Paris,

280
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,600
with our new recruit Emma Raducanu.

281
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,560
I stopped the Eiffel Tower
from being blown up.

282
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,400
Yeah, but I was your back-up,
and it was really stressful.

283
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,440
You should have aborted the mission,
Emma.

284
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,600
You forgot what the Queensmen
are all about.

285
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,320
But I saved the lives of thousands.

286
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,200
That's not the point.
I should ask for your badge,

287
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,880
but I'll put it down
to inexperience.

288
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,520
It's the end of the road, Queensmen!

289
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,320
Barnes Lothario.
I thought we killed you in Geneva.

290
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,480
Nearly. But Adele let me go
after asking if I needed a cuddle.

291
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,320
Well done, Adele.
Cheers, babe.

292
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,640
I booby-trapped this building.
You have one minute left to live,

293
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,800
while I escape
by parachuting out the window.

294
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,920
Feeling anxious.
Und panicky!

295
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,080
Maybe we could do some burpees.

296
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,680
I know!

297
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,240
Well done, Emma.
The comfort blanket!

298
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,440
SHE GRUNTS

299
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,800
Tell me where the bomb is, you!
Ow!

300
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:56,840
Emma, we are in an emotional crisis,
this is no time for action!

301
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,520
Oh, bollocks to the Queensmen.

302
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,560
Ah!

303
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,760
Sort the bomb out for yourselves.

304
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,040
Stay positive!

305
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,640
Argh!

306
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,400
Hey, Paul McCartney here.

307
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,640
Whoo! Doing a Christmas post
on Instagram Live,

308
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,440
like the normal, everyday guy I am.

309
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,240
Hey, how about a tune?

310
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,320
TO TUNE OF
'WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME':

311
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,640
# A normal bloke
In a massive house

312
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,960
# A chirpy smile

313
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,160
# And a hint of Scouse

314
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:31,760
# Paul McCartney's
Regular Christmas time

315
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:36,920
# Discount veg and £2.99 wine

316
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:41,720
# It's true, I have done LSD... #

317
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,800
SITARS CHIME

318
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:48,320
# But I prefer a cup of tea

319
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:52,880
# And though
My daughter's famous too

320
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:59,280
# I sent her to the local school

321
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,880
# Paul McCartney's
Regular Christmas time

322
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:08,120
# Nothing fancy, regular

323
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,640
# Is just fine. #

324
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,960
Hey, Macca, here's
a five million quid royalty check.

325
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,280
Cheers, postie, but I won't tip you.

326
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,760
Wouldn't be right,
us being regular blokes.

327
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,840
Oh, fuck off, Paul McCartney,
you tight bastard.

328
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,160
Do I tax and spend, or cut and save?

329
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,360
Either way,
someone will be upset with me.

330
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,720
Oi! That's my dorsal fin, you berk!

331
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,320
Ah! A rude fish?

332
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,680
I'm the Ghost of Failed
British Fishing Policy.

333
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,480
Strap yourself in,
you're about to get haunted.

334
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,760
CLOCK CHIMES,
THUNDER

335
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:50,360
The lady is for returning.
MANIACAL LAUGH

336
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,800
Argh! Margaret Thatcher?!

337
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:56,560
Yes, I'm the Ghost
of Tory Glory Past.

338
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,520
Record unemployment,
industries destroyed -

339
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,440
we got things done.

340
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,760
Can we really go back to the 1980s?

341
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,360
Of course we can. Boom!

342
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,560
Now, cut some essential services.

343
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:09,880
HE GRUNTS

344
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,320
THUNDER

345
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,560
You all right, Rishi? I'm the Ghost
of the Compassionate Present,

346
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,480
and I'm gonna show you what happens
when you don't spend.

347
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,760
Get ready to see something pathetic.

348
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,640
Talk about fun -

349
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:32,600
two recently single guys
with a couple of juicy birds.

350
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,320
Yeah, and after dinner,
we hit the nightclubs

351
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,440
like only middle-aged men can.

352
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:38,720
MIMICS DANCE MUSIC

353
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,080
You're twisting my melon, man.

354
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,680
BOTH MIMIC DANCE MUSIC

355
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:43,720
Ooh-ooh-ooh!

356
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,080
On-on, ee-ee-ee-ee!

357
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,480
Have you ever seen anything sadder?
No.

358
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,600
But I'm not sure that's the fault
of fiscal policy.

359
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,960
Fair enough. But you still
stopped poor schoolkids

360
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,120
eating in the holidays.

361
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,520
HE GRUNTS

362
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,800
You must be
the Ghost of Fiscal Future.

363
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,480
Are you here to show me what happens
if I make the wrong choice?

364
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,840
My bank balance?

365
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,120
Of course!

366
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,320
In the end,
it doesn't matter what I do,

367
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,160
because I'm incredibly rich!

368
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,720
HE LAUGHS

369
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,240
And so the moral of the story is,
be a billionaire.

370
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:21,440
Merry Christmas!

371
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,720
And God help us, every one!

372
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,880
Never stop learning.

373
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,000
Never stop apologising.

374
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,520
Never stop making it all about you.

375
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,400
Incessant.

376
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,320
By Jameela Jamil.

377
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,920
Grogu, you're not a baby any more.

378
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,600
You have to stop slacking off
at school.

379
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,920
Stupid Jedi Academy is.

380
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,760
About history of Force, who cares?

381
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,720
What matters is that you try.
Then let me get my nose pierced.

382
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,240
SIGHS

383
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,840
Something to get you in the mood,
honey.

384
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,280
Don't take drugs, you tell me.

385
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,040
Big hypocrite, you are.

386
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:24,560
STRAINED: Grogu, do not use
the Force to disapprove of me.

387
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,680
Uh... Dad?

388
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,360
My piercing got infected.

389
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,360
Told you not to pierce your nose.

390
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,600
Not my nose.

391
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,520
You got your junk pierced?!

392
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:53,840
# It's that special time of year

393
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:59,080
# When celebrities from far and near

394
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:05,400
# Come together to remind you
That we care

395
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:09,640
# Yes, we care, care, care

396
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:15,080
# All about issues
And important stuff

397
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,560
# Like, um... #
Er, what's this song about?

398
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,720
Climate change, dear.
Oh, right.

399
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:27,040
# Chestnuts roasting
In a forest fire

400
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,640
# Melted snow-caps lap your toes

401
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,920
# There's a tear in our eye
Cos it's hot as July

402
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,200
# And my skin's turned
Red as Rudolph's nose

403
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,800
# Unless we stop refusing

404
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:44,160
# To quit fossil fuelling

405
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:48,640
# Then we'll all drown
In penguin tears

406
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,640
# A shower of penguin tears! #

407
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,520
Who's that?

408
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,120
# Put the pedal to the metal,
We're the Carbon Crew

409
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:59,120
# And we're here to lay out
Some of the facts for you... #

410
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,360
Xi Jinping!

411
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:01,800
Mitch McConnell!

412
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:02,840
Scott Morrison!

413
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:06,400
Prime Minister of Australia,
we sell a lot of coal. Oh.

414
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,160
# So you don't like fossil fuels
Well, boo-hoo-hoo

415
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,800
# It runs your fridges and hospitals
And private jets too

416
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,600
# You say it's gonna warm
If we don't do something drastic

417
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,600
# Then you've got to say goodbye
To everything plastic. #

418
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,040
My glasses!

419
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,080
My boobs!

420
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,040
# Climate change
Could be mighty fine

421
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,320
# Getting tanned in November

422
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,800
# Drinking British wine

423
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,120
# Solar power goes poof
When the sun goes down

424
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:32,880
# When turbines kill birds
Oh, frown, frown, frown... #

425
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,960
Unless you'd like to try
nuclear power?

426
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,200
ALL: No! What they're saying is
you can't solve climate change

427
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,320
without making some hard choices.

428
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,080
So our song is just
a pointless feel-good exercise?

429
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,240
No, Harry.

430
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,560
You're wrong.

431
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:51,480
# With the power of celebrity

432
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,680
# There is nothing we can't do

433
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,960
# By doing lots of singing
And much hand-wringing

434
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:02,160
# We can make anything come true. #

435
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,800
We care!

436
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,640
We care!

437
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,160
We care, care, care.

438
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,560
We do?

439
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,200
Hm. Ha!

440
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,040
We did it! Climate change is solved.

441
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,920
That was just a lighting change.

442
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,520
ALL: We said it's solved!

443
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,000
'Buy the Celebrities Solve
Climate Change tote bag

444
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,960
'and do your part
to fight global warming

445
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,360
'when you stick it in the cupboard
with your 400 other bags,

446
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,880
'only 29.99.
Made in, and shipped from, China.'

447
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,800
Thanks, world.

448
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,120
Binky Elf, Gemma Elf.

449
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:38,120
While I was sleeping,
Jack Frost came and nipped my nose.

450
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:42,600
Now it's swelled up so big, I can't
seem to drive the sleigh tonight.

451
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,960
But how will the children
get their presents?

452
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,720
I'll drive your damn sleigh for you.

453
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,680
Tom Cruise? You're a movie star,

454
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,200
why would you
want to drive a sleigh?

455
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,880
Because when I was in high school,

456
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,080
I drove my dad's Porsche
into a lake.

457
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,960
I screwed up, and if I deliver
your presents for you,

458
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,400
I can get redemption.

459
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,200
Isn't that the plot
of Risky Business?

460
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,200
Do you want your presents delivered
or not?!

461
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,120
Santa, do you trust me?

462
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:12,400
I do, Tom. Because you're
a Scientologist, like me.

463
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,680
But I'm sending Binky Elf along
to help.

464
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,360
STRAINED: Left rein! Haul traces!

465
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,520
Easy, Prancer.
That's Dancer.

466
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,240
Whatever!
You're doing it wrong.

467
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,440
I'm fine.

468
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:24,720
Like this!

469
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,880
Let go!

470
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,280
Arghhh!

471
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:31,760
Binky! NO-O-O-O!

472
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:36,200
I'm sorry I crashed your Porsche,
Dad!

473
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,160
EXPLOSION

474
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,600
Hm.

475
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,960
Maybe Scientology
doesn't make sense after all.

476
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,720
Ho-ho-ho!

477
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,520
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

478
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,680
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

479
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,920
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

480
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,440
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

481
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,720
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

482
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,800
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

483
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,320
# Oh-Ah-Oh-Ah-Oh. #

484
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,280
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com