# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
SIREN WAILS
The climate crisis is existential.
We must put aside all national differences.
Oh, Monsieur Mash Potato! No!
You will not distract me from saving the planet.
I have impounded your little scallop boat.
Do something!
He's stealing British fish and covering us in beurre blanc.
Poor scallops ain't seen ketchup for days.
What?! Come on, Macron, you madeleine-muncher!
Bring it, you Bond-loving booby!
Welcome to Scallop Game!
Your dispute will be resolved in a manner that befits it,
by playing children's games!
Sweet! Boris will smash this!
Rock, paper, scissors.
Begin!
One, two... Un, deux...
Ha! I win!
MACRON GROANS
Next, Honeycomb Challenge!
Using a pin, you must carefully carve out the shape.
BORIS BELCHES
He's eaten mine too!
BORIS GROANS
Look, we're just going round and round.
Shouldn't someone at least get killed?
This is well dodgy.
It's like this muppet wants this tear-up to go on forever.
An endless war about fish?!
What kind of monster would want that?
BORIS GASPS Captain Birds Thigh!
Yar! 'Tis I.
All I care about is keeping fish in the news.
So I be afraid ye'll be warring here forever! Ha-ha!
Oh, come...
Well, this is a dystopian nightmare.
Still, it beats a seminar at COP26. Be lucky!
Harry Kane, your manager sacked by Spurs.
A good decision? Yeah. Well, it's a shame it didn't work out.
I wish all the best to Nuno Espirito Santo
and his assistants, Rui Barbosa and Antonio Dias.
But the thing about all those guys,
and by guys, I mean Nuno Espirito Santo,
Rui Barbosa and Antonio Dias, is that they were all outstanding.
Are they up there
with Salvador Santiago San Sebastian from Seville?
Now you're just taking the piss, mate.
Oh!
FIREWORKS CRACKLE
It's the worst time of year, Aneurin.
Not a general election already, Sir Keir?
OK, the second worst time of year - Bonfire Night.
Fireworks are entertaining, flashy, and the public loves them.
Yes. Everything I stand against as leader of the Labour Party.
I'm sure it's just some silly boys. Shall I chase them off?
No, there may well be unregulated incendiaries out there.
I can't ask you to take such a risk. This is a job for Foxman!
FANFARE
This one next.
Hello, young people of Britain!
Eurgh! What is that weird smell?
It's mink oil, adds flair to the tail.
Now, let's have a look in that box.
Sparklers, Catherine wheels, Roman candles!
It's an Aladdin's cave of unregulated seasonal fun.
Were these purchased from a licensed firework retailer
between the 15th of October and the 10th of November,
or three days before Diwali?
What if they weren't?
Then you'll be sat in front of a royal commission
at some point in the next five-to-seven years...
Oh, back off, sweatsocks!
FANFARE
Viral! You've decided to join forces
to end the tyranny of light-touch regulation!
I fucking haven't. I've come here to party.
Fun with regular people,
that's the way to be a Labour Party superhero.
FIREWORK BANGS, FOXMAN HOWLS
Gordon Brown's glass eye, I wish they wouldn't do that!
What, this? SHE CHUCKLES
Please stop that!
BANG, SHE LAUGHS
OK, now it's time for the Foxman to seek his traditional sanctuary.
CLATTERING
Hiding in a bin from the threat of conflict.
In no way a metaphor for the Labour Party.
BANG, FOXMAN YELPS
Greetings, fellow humans.
We are changing our company name to Meta.
We're so excited about this new name,
and so eager to make you forget the old one,
that all of our users will now get a powerful electric shock
if you say "Facebook".
FIZZING, RESTRAINED SQUEAL
Wow! I can't feel my face.
FIZZING, MUFFLED SCREAM
OK, it's a little buggy.
FIZZING, RESTRAINED SQUEAL
OK, it's very buggy.
In addition, I'm also renaming myself.
That way, I don't have to accept congressional subpoenas
or search warrants.
My new name was picked by an algorithm
and I'm seeing it for the first time.
Stinky Pee Pee Pants.
Well, you've gotta trust the algorithm.
Finally, to make sure no-one comes after me
using my old name, I have a trained lion.
LOW GROWL
He will attack anyone who says "Mark Zuckerberg".
ROARING
Please! Not my face!
FIZZING, HE GROANS
HE SCREAMS, LION GROWLS
CLOCK CHIMES
I appreciate this private audience, Your Holiness.
The bishops back home are a little steamed at me
because I'm pro-choice.
President Joe, I know you are a good Catholic.
Well, thanks. And thanks for the souvenir hat.
Now, if I could just get your blessing. Sure.
Nice one, Joe!
Er, I don't think that counts.
Hm? OK. How about this?
HE BEATBOXES MACARENA BEAT
That's the Macarena.
Fine! Fine!
Nuno Espirito Santos!
Great, man. God love ya.
Cross the fingers, it doesn't count anyway!
You're going to burn in Hell.
Back to business.
Bad Cardinal Marcello!
Hyah! MARCELLO YELPS
Hyah! WHIP CRACKS
MARCELLO YELPS
Yah! MARCELLO SCREAMS
First Minister, COP26 was meant to showcase Glasgow,
but all anyone's talking about are the giant rats.
How many times have I told you?
SHE GRUNTS, HE GROANS
There are no rats in Glasgow!
RAT CHITTERS
That's not a rat, it's a Glasgow bonnet.
RAT CHITTERS, FOOTSTEPS RECEDE
They're breeding in the rubbish on the streets
because the binmen are on strike!
You've got to meet with the union.
Never use the "U" word in here!
HE GROANS
I'll solve your rat problem.
SHE SCOFFS Alex Salmond!
Trying to worm your way back into Scottish politics.
Still, I guess it's a green solution.
Have at it! Right, come here, you wee bastard!
RAT GRUNTS
Wait! Wait!
We should be on the same side. We should?
Aye. We're both disruptors who lead street-based movements.
And we both have fleas.
Can an ogre and a rat really work together?
You've seen my Russia Today show, I'll get in the sewer with anybody.
Then we have an alliance.
BAGPIPES PLAY
Alec, are you done?
SLURPING, HE BELCHES
Aye.
That's politics!
FLAMENCO GUITAR
Look at my little orange babies.
Fattening up beautifully for...
# Thanksgiving! #
Yes, they're gorgeous.
SHE GASPS
So carvable.
I'd cut it here and here.
Don't touch Lars, he's a rescue pumpkin.
Oprah, I really admire you.
You're adored, influential,
the kind of American icon I'd love to be.
If only you weren't in the way.
What?!
Oh, vegetables, their lives are so short.
If only you had more precious time for them,
instead of doing that big interview with Kamala Harris!
Let me help you.
Give me the Kamala interview.
You know I can do it.
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, honey, there can only be one Oprah.
Still, what do gardeners say?
Cut off the old rot to make way for fresh growth!
OPRAH GASPS
Argh!
I'm covered in zucchini juice!
Ping you later!
THUNDER CLAPS
APPLAUSE
And so, we're delighted to induct the Foo Fighters
into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame.
Right, Sir Paul?
Oh, yeah, they're a great little band.
Dave Grohl - he sings, he drums.
Actually, me and John came up with that idea
on the bus to the Cavern Club.
"Let's have a singing Ringo," I said, and John said, "Cool."
OK. Our next inductee is Jay-Z.
CHEERING
Not a lot of people know, but I invented rap in Hamburg.
The power went out, so we couldn't play.
John wanted to get high, but I said,
"Hey, let's just read the lyrics."
Brian Epstein said, "Cool."
Great story.
But maybe we should get off the stage
and let the inductees have their moment.
You know, I invented staying on the stage too long.
Have you heard Hey Jude?
# Na, na-na na-na-na-na. #
They told me I might need this.
THUD, PAUL GROANS WEAKLY
You know, I invented the cut to black.
Hello, Emma. Piers Morgan.
If I'd known this was your show, I would never have come.
Wait! I know you think of me as the man who says...
MEGAPHONE ECHOES WITH FEEDBACK: "Stop moaning, you snowflake!"
But that's not the real me. No-one can be that horrendous.
But you called me a pathetic loser.
That was just a front,
to hide the fact that I'm actually the head of a secret service
called The Queensman. SHE GASPS
Jurgen Klopp, Adele, Joe Wicks,
elite agents using their special skills and positive mental energy
to protect this nation. Do you need a tennis player?
There's a terrorist plot at Wimbledon and you're our only hope.
Do you think I can handle it? Don't worry,
in The Queensman, job two is protecting the people.
Job one is protecting your mental health. I'll do it!
Great!
Now, I have to go back undercover.
MEGAPHONE ECHOES WITH FEEDBACK: "You lazy snowflake!"
So I told Phil,
a PhD does not make you a licensed medical doctor.
Stop prescribing doctor pills!
HE GASPS Oprah! Oprah!
The pumpkins!
They're gone!
SHE SCREAMS
And some kind of child wrote a ransom note.
Wait a minute.
Pumpkin babies, hold on!
Mama's comin'.
OPRAH GRUNTS
Run along, old Oprah.
New Oprah's got an interview to do.
I'm beautiful!
PIERS MORGAN: 'Emma, have you found the terrorist yet?'
Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
That's the last of them, Piers.
Well done, Emma. How are you feeling?
Positive and self-approving?
Yeah, but there's a bomb in that sports bag.
Careful, that's enough explosive to destroy South West London!
Ha-ha!
And the stress of disarming it
could harm your positive mental outlook.
Which wire do I cut, the red or the blue?
Are you feeling anxious, Emma?
Well, obviously a little.
That does it, I'm scrubbing the mission.
Your mental health is the only thing that matters.
I'm remotely activating your super air-spring tennis shoes.
BOING Whoa!
Right, back undercover.
Wimbledon, totally obliterated.
And all because some bloody snowflake
couldn't handle the pressure!
What's the matter with young people today?
PIERS GROANS
I did it for our country's mental health.
You bloody fuckwit!
Hey, everyone, it's me, The Rock.
Whether I'm deciding which Disney ride I'll make a movie out of next,
or contemplating a run for President,
nothing helps me relax like a glass of my delicious Whatamana tequila.
Don't forget me, Lil Nas X.
I like it too. It's flamboyant like me!
CHUCKLES I like your style, Lil Nas X!
Hey, what's he doing in MY pocket?
Now, Kevin, you're still my buddy,
but it's good for my image to branch out,
do movies with other kinds of lil guys.
Movies with other guys?! Get out of there!
Hey, hey, hey, stop!
You don't have a problem with me because I'm flamboyant, do you?
No, no... Don't read my old tweets.
Hey. You know what would be fun?
If you were both trapped together under a big glass jar.
No, no, no, don't you jar me!
I like it! Let's dance!
I love a captive audience.
KEVIN WAILS, NAS WHOOPS
Kamala, as the first female Vice President of colour,
how did my treatment by the royals make you feel?
I still don't understand why Oprah's not here.
Was it my terrible Vogue cover?
I told you, Oprah slipped on a bar of soap.
You said she was bitten by a raccoon.
She showers with raccoons!
DOOR OPENS
Markle, step away from the interviewee!
Sorry, Megs, I just couldn't be cruel
to those orange pumpkins. I can't commit ginger-on-ginger crime!
But this is my authentic purpose!
I'm getting impatient!
Stay back, or I'll shoot!
Keep talking. I'm empathising.
FEEBLE TRICKLE
This thing's not even on.
Let's just go home, Megs.
Gardening is dumb. I'm so tired.
Want me to prosecute? I lo-o-o-ove to prosecute.
MANIC LAUGH
I think she got it out of her system.
It's gonna be OK.
My little ones, all safe again.
Wait... where's Baby Darryl?
Look, Harry, we have a new baby.
EVIL LAUGH, THUNDERCLAP
BIG BEN CHIMES
Tim Davie, it's been a year
since I got you appointed Director General of the BBC,
and I'm bloody glad I did.
You're completely independent, completely impartial.
I love you, Boris!
BARKS, SLOBBERS
Good boy, good Timmy. Have a Timmy treat.
What a year you've had!
Who got rid of that awful lefty Mash Report for Daddy?
Timmy did! Timmy did!
And who's going to make sure Daddy gets re-elected
in three years' time?
Timmy will! Timmy will!
But who's still employing that woke big-eared foghorn, Gary Lineker?
WHINES Timmy is.
Bad Timmy! TIMMY YELPS
Oh, I can't stay angry with you for long.
Now, who's going to show Daddy how to lick his own balls?
Me, me, me!
SLOBBERS Good Timmy!
Great job on the campaign poster, Mitch.
Our voters will appreciate the subtlety.
If they can see it through their cataracts, Mike.
Let's face it, for some reason,
young people don't wanna join the Grand Old Party.
Could be the name.
What if we call it the Groovy Old Party?
Or the Gay Old Party? You know, the happy kind of gay.
No. I brought in a consultant.
Someone with his finger on the pulse of Gen-Z.
What's up, my dawgs?
Whoa! Slow down, hep cat.
What we need is an influencer "hype house".
We put our rising Republican stars together in one crazy compound,
to crank out "hot fire soash meeds" on TikTok and Instagram.
Check it out.
Hey, Hype House hoes! Was that offensive?
Sorry, snowflakes.
We're comin' to you with the freshest GOP content.
And having the one thing Demo-craps can't cancel...
fun!
Uh-oh. Someone's been partying too hard.
FOGHORN
Wake up and stop the steal!
'And then this happened...'
I'm Hillary Clinton! I did Benghazi!
I eat babies in a pizzeria!
'And then this happened...'
Hey, that's my milk!
Gun rights!
'Bang. Bang-Bang.'
No! CANNED LAUGHTER
We already have eight views!
Although half of them are us.
Oh, God. Are those idiots really the future of the Republican party?
Hyah!
You got a problem with that?
No.
GIULIANI FARTS
Oi, hurry up! We'll miss the first speaker.
Why'd you wanna come to a climate change conference?
It's so depressing. Yeah, it's great!
My new fella's so perfect,
I need something tragic to get me next album started!
Check it out.
# Polar bears are gonna die... #
VOCALISES
Bit bleak, love. How about I just get your boyfriend to cheat on you?
Oh! Yeah, nice! Prosecco? Ha!
CACKLES What am I like?!
"Searching for a wet wipe,
"wondering who else had just given a hand job in a confessional,
"Indiana Jones was having quite the day."
The key to writing a blockbuster adventure movie
is to Fleabag the fuck out of it.
Deploy the unexpected.
Like a premature ejaculation, or Olivia Colman.
Oh. I'm here now, am I?
Actually, not Olivia Colman, because she's in everything.
Ooh, gosh!
I'm Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and this is my masterclass.
"Now," said Indiana Jones, "who wants to shag me up the arse?"
Mr President, the new British ambassador to Moscow...
Tom Daley.
Hiya!
Oh, if it isn't Mr Boing-Boing-Splash.
We need to talk... about men who knit.
We do? Yes!
You're not respecting the rights of male knitters like myself.
In fact, you're repressing the entire KCNQ community.
KCNQ...?
Knitting, crochet, needlepoint, and quilting.
Look, we are not saying men cannot knit.
We are saying Russia is different from decadent West.
We have our own craft traditions. Like nesting dolls.
You mean, little men going inside big men?
Never thought of it that way.
No more nesting dolls either!
But what's wrong with knitting? You're wearing a pullover.
It really suits you. You think?
Brings out the colour of your eyes. Makes you look strong.
You think it makes me look manly?
Absolutely.
Manliness is very important.
OK, from now on, we allow male knitting!
To seal the deal,
let's wrestle naked in front of a roaring log fire!
Erm... actually, I've got a diving competition to get to.
Also, maybe the President of Russia wrestling naked with Tom Daley
in front of a roaring log fire would send out confusing message?
Bah! I like naked wrestling!
TOM WHIMPERS
OK, steady on. Hands to yourself.
Stop it! Vlad!
Hurry up, Hot Flash!
Professor Doom is crossing the trans-dimensional rift!
I hope they widened it,
because he's really put on some pounds.
We can't hold off Professor Doom much longer.
Mom? What's going on?
Melody? But you and Ryan eloped to Belize.
EXPLOSION
I was wrong.
I wanna get married in the most beautiful place on earth.
This kitchen.
Well, let's not get "ahead" of ourselves!
As usual, your timing is appalling, Professor Doom.
I had to tell Melody... I am her father.
Mom?!
I was a free spirit.
And now, Hot Flash, will you marry me?!
Well, we've got enough hors d'oeuvres. Oh!
TUNE: 'Take A Chance On Me'
# I'm gonna marry Doom In my favourite room... #
Hello, TikTok!
You may have heard that famous British schools
have been making deals to get money from China.
But don't worry, there is no catch.
Good news!
One school now has four Communist Party members on the board!
Not now, Qian! Oh!
Anyway, kids, here's a fun dance called Schoolhouse-Tok
to help you fit into your new school.
# Welcome to our school Now do a disco move
# You won't learn anything That isn't Xi Jinping-approved
# Xi Jinping-approved
# The classes are so fun The canteen will make you grin
# Have a wet market lunch Of bat and pangolin
# Pangolin
# Take out your phone And wave it in the air
# So we can fill it up With surveillance software
# Google is forbidden Obedience is great
# Everybody point left And denounce your schoolmate
# Schoolhouse-Tok is fun But if you can't relate
# We have a special campus Where you can... concentrate
# Concentra-a-ate. #
I hope you liked our Schoolhouse-Tok.
And don't worry if you're not in our school district.
THREATENING: You will be.
FIREWORKS CRACKLE
Who's ready for a rocket?
But, Dad, isn't setting off fireworks
a signal that drugs are for sale?
Don't be daft, love! That's just an urban myth.
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
IMITATES DANCE BEAT
I got your message. I'll take whatever you've got.
Beans, Charlie, bit of dinky-do to "level me up".
What's in the box?
It's a Roman candle.
Is that slang for cocaine?
Get lost.
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
Ooh! Unh-unh! They might have ket.
IMITATES DANCE BEAT
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
# Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah
# Oh-ah! #
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