1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,240 # Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh 2 00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:06,600 # Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,280 # Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh 4 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,120 # Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah 5 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:15,880 # Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! # 6 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:18,880 SIREN WAILS 7 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:24,120 The climate crisis is existential. 8 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:27,760 We must put aside all national differences. 9 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,040 Oh, Monsieur Mash Potato! No! 10 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,680 You will not distract me from saving the planet. 11 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:35,920 I have impounded your little scallop boat. 12 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:36,960 Do something! 13 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,840 He's stealing British fish and covering us in beurre blanc. 14 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:43,120 Poor scallops ain't seen ketchup for days. 15 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,280 What?! Come on, Macron, you madeleine-muncher! 16 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,800 Bring it, you Bond-loving booby! 17 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,040 Welcome to Scallop Game! 18 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:57,640 Your dispute will be resolved in a manner that befits it, 19 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,080 by playing children's games! 20 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,040 Sweet! Boris will smash this! 21 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,160 Rock, paper, scissors. 22 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,400 Begin! 23 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,400 One, two... Un, deux... 24 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,840 Ha! I win! 25 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,120 MACRON GROANS 26 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,440 Next, Honeycomb Challenge! 27 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:16,640 Using a pin, you must carefully carve out the shape. 28 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,680 BORIS BELCHES 29 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,440 He's eaten mine too! 30 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,840 BORIS GROANS 31 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,560 Look, we're just going round and round. 32 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,560 Shouldn't someone at least get killed? 33 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:26,600 This is well dodgy. 34 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,800 It's like this muppet wants this tear-up to go on forever. 35 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:31,760 An endless war about fish?! 36 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:33,560 What kind of monster would want that? 37 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,280 BORIS GASPS Captain Birds Thigh! 38 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,520 Yar! 'Tis I. 39 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:45,960 All I care about is keeping fish in the news. 40 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:50,800 So I be afraid ye'll be warring here forever! Ha-ha! 41 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,400 Oh, come... 42 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,040 Well, this is a dystopian nightmare. 43 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,720 Still, it beats a seminar at COP26. Be lucky! 44 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,440 Harry Kane, your manager sacked by Spurs. 45 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,480 A good decision? Yeah. Well, it's a shame it didn't work out. 46 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,280 I wish all the best to Nuno Espirito Santo 47 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,120 and his assistants, Rui Barbosa and Antonio Dias. 48 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,800 But the thing about all those guys, 49 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,200 and by guys, I mean Nuno Espirito Santo, 50 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,920 Rui Barbosa and Antonio Dias, is that they were all outstanding. 51 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:19,960 Are they up there 52 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,160 with Salvador Santiago San Sebastian from Seville? 53 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,960 Now you're just taking the piss, mate. 54 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,640 Oh! 55 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,400 FIREWORKS CRACKLE 56 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,760 It's the worst time of year, Aneurin. 57 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,920 Not a general election already, Sir Keir? 58 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,960 OK, the second worst time of year - Bonfire Night. 59 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,640 Fireworks are entertaining, flashy, and the public loves them. 60 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,920 Yes. Everything I stand against as leader of the Labour Party. 61 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,120 I'm sure it's just some silly boys. Shall I chase them off? 62 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,440 No, there may well be unregulated incendiaries out there. 63 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:53,080 I can't ask you to take such a risk. This is a job for Foxman! 64 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,600 FANFARE 65 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:55,960 This one next. 66 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,320 Hello, young people of Britain! 67 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,320 Eurgh! What is that weird smell? 68 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,360 It's mink oil, adds flair to the tail. 69 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,480 Now, let's have a look in that box. 70 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:08,120 Sparklers, Catherine wheels, Roman candles! 71 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,960 It's an Aladdin's cave of unregulated seasonal fun. 72 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,720 Were these purchased from a licensed firework retailer 73 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,120 between the 15th of October and the 10th of November, 74 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,200 or three days before Diwali? 75 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,600 What if they weren't? 76 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,840 Then you'll be sat in front of a royal commission 77 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,000 at some point in the next five-to-seven years... 78 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,800 Oh, back off, sweatsocks! 79 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,360 FANFARE 80 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,640 Viral! You've decided to join forces 81 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,800 to end the tyranny of light-touch regulation! 82 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,360 I fucking haven't. I've come here to party. 83 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,800 Fun with regular people, 84 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,680 that's the way to be a Labour Party superhero. 85 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,600 FIREWORK BANGS, FOXMAN HOWLS 86 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,800 Gordon Brown's glass eye, I wish they wouldn't do that! 87 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,400 What, this? SHE CHUCKLES 88 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,880 Please stop that! 89 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,800 BANG, SHE LAUGHS 90 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,520 OK, now it's time for the Foxman to seek his traditional sanctuary. 91 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,440 CLATTERING 92 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,400 Hiding in a bin from the threat of conflict. 93 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,880 In no way a metaphor for the Labour Party. 94 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,240 BANG, FOXMAN YELPS 95 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,720 Greetings, fellow humans. 96 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,000 We are changing our company name to Meta. 97 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,120 We're so excited about this new name, 98 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,640 and so eager to make you forget the old one, 99 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,320 that all of our users will now get a powerful electric shock 100 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:19,600 if you say "Facebook". 101 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,160 FIZZING, RESTRAINED SQUEAL 102 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,640 Wow! I can't feel my face. 103 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,080 FIZZING, MUFFLED SCREAM 104 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:26,840 OK, it's a little buggy. 105 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,040 FIZZING, RESTRAINED SQUEAL 106 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,760 OK, it's very buggy. 107 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,640 In addition, I'm also renaming myself. 108 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,880 That way, I don't have to accept congressional subpoenas 109 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,120 or search warrants. 110 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,360 My new name was picked by an algorithm 111 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,440 and I'm seeing it for the first time. 112 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,400 Stinky Pee Pee Pants. 113 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,160 Well, you've gotta trust the algorithm. 114 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,320 Finally, to make sure no-one comes after me 115 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,760 using my old name, I have a trained lion. 116 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:53,880 LOW GROWL 117 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:57,320 He will attack anyone who says "Mark Zuckerberg". 118 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:58,480 ROARING 119 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,760 Please! Not my face! 120 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:01,800 FIZZING, HE GROANS 121 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,440 HE SCREAMS, LION GROWLS 122 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:04,560 CLOCK CHIMES 123 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,480 I appreciate this private audience, Your Holiness. 124 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,440 The bishops back home are a little steamed at me 125 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,040 because I'm pro-choice. 126 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,920 President Joe, I know you are a good Catholic. 127 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,360 Well, thanks. And thanks for the souvenir hat. 128 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,200 Now, if I could just get your blessing. Sure. 129 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,360 Nice one, Joe! 130 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,120 Er, I don't think that counts. 131 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,480 Hm? OK. How about this? 132 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,280 HE BEATBOXES MACARENA BEAT 133 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,680 That's the Macarena. 134 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:31,760 Fine! Fine! 135 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,720 Nuno Espirito Santos! 136 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,920 Great, man. God love ya. 137 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,760 Cross the fingers, it doesn't count anyway! 138 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,520 You're going to burn in Hell. 139 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,360 Back to business. 140 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,320 Bad Cardinal Marcello! 141 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,480 Hyah! MARCELLO YELPS 142 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,720 Hyah! WHIP CRACKS 143 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:46,760 MARCELLO YELPS 144 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,280 Yah! MARCELLO SCREAMS 145 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:52,640 First Minister, COP26 was meant to showcase Glasgow, 146 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,360 but all anyone's talking about are the giant rats. 147 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,400 How many times have I told you? 148 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,000 SHE GRUNTS, HE GROANS 149 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,960 There are no rats in Glasgow! 150 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,160 RAT CHITTERS 151 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,560 That's not a rat, it's a Glasgow bonnet. 152 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,400 RAT CHITTERS, FOOTSTEPS RECEDE 153 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,920 They're breeding in the rubbish on the streets 154 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,360 because the binmen are on strike! 155 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,320 You've got to meet with the union. 156 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,760 Never use the "U" word in here! 157 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,000 HE GROANS 158 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,480 I'll solve your rat problem. 159 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,400 SHE SCOFFS Alex Salmond! 160 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,040 Trying to worm your way back into Scottish politics. 161 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,480 Still, I guess it's a green solution. 162 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,080 Have at it! Right, come here, you wee bastard! 163 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,800 RAT GRUNTS 164 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:31,880 Wait! Wait! 165 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,680 We should be on the same side. We should? 166 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,720 Aye. We're both disruptors who lead street-based movements. 167 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,160 And we both have fleas. 168 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,560 Can an ogre and a rat really work together? 169 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,120 You've seen my Russia Today show, I'll get in the sewer with anybody. 170 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:48,720 Then we have an alliance. 171 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:52,440 BAGPIPES PLAY 172 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:53,720 Alec, are you done? 173 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,880 SLURPING, HE BELCHES 174 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,240 Aye. 175 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,760 That's politics! 176 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,400 FLAMENCO GUITAR 177 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,840 Look at my little orange babies. 178 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,960 Fattening up beautifully for... 179 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,360 # Thanksgiving! # 180 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,520 Yes, they're gorgeous. 181 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,600 SHE GASPS 182 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,280 So carvable. 183 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,520 I'd cut it here and here. 184 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,680 Don't touch Lars, he's a rescue pumpkin. 185 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,960 Oprah, I really admire you. 186 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,280 You're adored, influential, 187 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:28,280 the kind of American icon I'd love to be. 188 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,880 If only you weren't in the way. 189 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:31,920 What?! 190 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:35,400 Oh, vegetables, their lives are so short. 191 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,280 If only you had more precious time for them, 192 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,640 instead of doing that big interview with Kamala Harris! 193 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,120 Let me help you. 194 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,640 Give me the Kamala interview. 195 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,240 You know I can do it. 196 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,280 SHE CHUCKLES 197 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:50,240 Oh, honey, there can only be one Oprah. 198 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,200 Still, what do gardeners say? 199 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,640 Cut off the old rot to make way for fresh growth! 200 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,000 OPRAH GASPS 201 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,160 Argh! 202 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,320 I'm covered in zucchini juice! 203 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:02,760 Ping you later! 204 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,000 THUNDER CLAPS 205 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,040 APPLAUSE 206 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,560 And so, we're delighted to induct the Foo Fighters 207 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,720 into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. 208 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,560 Right, Sir Paul? 209 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,200 Oh, yeah, they're a great little band. 210 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,080 Dave Grohl - he sings, he drums. 211 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,120 Actually, me and John came up with that idea 212 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:19,720 on the bus to the Cavern Club. 213 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:23,800 "Let's have a singing Ringo," I said, and John said, "Cool." 214 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:27,240 OK. Our next inductee is Jay-Z. 215 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,360 CHEERING 216 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,720 Not a lot of people know, but I invented rap in Hamburg. 217 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,840 The power went out, so we couldn't play. 218 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,760 John wanted to get high, but I said, 219 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,560 "Hey, let's just read the lyrics." 220 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,840 Brian Epstein said, "Cool." 221 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,040 Great story. 222 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,040 But maybe we should get off the stage 223 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,280 and let the inductees have their moment. 224 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,280 You know, I invented staying on the stage too long. 225 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,160 Have you heard Hey Jude? 226 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,480 # Na, na-na na-na-na-na. # 227 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,200 They told me I might need this. 228 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,720 THUD, PAUL GROANS WEAKLY 229 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,600 You know, I invented the cut to black. 230 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,880 Hello, Emma. Piers Morgan. 231 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,200 If I'd known this was your show, I would never have come. 232 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,680 Wait! I know you think of me as the man who says... 233 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,560 MEGAPHONE ECHOES WITH FEEDBACK: "Stop moaning, you snowflake!" 234 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,280 But that's not the real me. No-one can be that horrendous. 235 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,440 But you called me a pathetic loser. 236 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:14,880 That was just a front, 237 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,520 to hide the fact that I'm actually the head of a secret service 238 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,360 called The Queensman. SHE GASPS 239 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,880 Jurgen Klopp, Adele, Joe Wicks, 240 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:25,320 elite agents using their special skills and positive mental energy 241 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,480 to protect this nation. Do you need a tennis player? 242 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,680 There's a terrorist plot at Wimbledon and you're our only hope. 243 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,680 Do you think I can handle it? Don't worry, 244 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,560 in The Queensman, job two is protecting the people. 245 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,160 Job one is protecting your mental health. I'll do it! 246 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,200 Great! 247 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,520 Now, I have to go back undercover. 248 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,240 MEGAPHONE ECHOES WITH FEEDBACK: "You lazy snowflake!" 249 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,720 So I told Phil, 250 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:49,240 a PhD does not make you a licensed medical doctor. 251 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,360 Stop prescribing doctor pills! 252 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,120 HE GASPS Oprah! Oprah! 253 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,440 The pumpkins! 254 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,440 They're gone! 255 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,760 SHE SCREAMS 256 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,920 And some kind of child wrote a ransom note. 257 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,680 Wait a minute. 258 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,640 Pumpkin babies, hold on! 259 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,360 Mama's comin'. 260 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,040 OPRAH GRUNTS 261 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,480 Run along, old Oprah. 262 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,960 New Oprah's got an interview to do. 263 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,280 I'm beautiful! 264 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,640 PIERS MORGAN: 'Emma, have you found the terrorist yet?' 265 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,080 Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! 266 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,600 That's the last of them, Piers. 267 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,960 Well done, Emma. How are you feeling? 268 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,480 Positive and self-approving? 269 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,040 Yeah, but there's a bomb in that sports bag. 270 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:41,480 Careful, that's enough explosive to destroy South West London! 271 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,520 Ha-ha! 272 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,880 And the stress of disarming it 273 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,400 could harm your positive mental outlook. 274 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,360 Which wire do I cut, the red or the blue? 275 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,080 Are you feeling anxious, Emma? 276 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,320 Well, obviously a little. 277 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:54,160 That does it, I'm scrubbing the mission. 278 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,240 Your mental health is the only thing that matters. 279 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,400 I'm remotely activating your super air-spring tennis shoes. 280 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,680 BOING Whoa! 281 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,360 Right, back undercover. 282 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,920 Wimbledon, totally obliterated. 283 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,840 And all because some bloody snowflake 284 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,280 couldn't handle the pressure! 285 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,200 What's the matter with young people today? 286 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,320 PIERS GROANS 287 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,760 I did it for our country's mental health. 288 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,400 You bloody fuckwit! 289 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,880 Hey, everyone, it's me, The Rock. 290 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,120 Whether I'm deciding which Disney ride I'll make a movie out of next, 291 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,960 or contemplating a run for President, 292 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:31,320 nothing helps me relax like a glass of my delicious Whatamana tequila. 293 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,520 Don't forget me, Lil Nas X. 294 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,160 I like it too. It's flamboyant like me! 295 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,760 CHUCKLES I like your style, Lil Nas X! 296 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,880 Hey, what's he doing in MY pocket? 297 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,680 Now, Kevin, you're still my buddy, 298 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,720 but it's good for my image to branch out, 299 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,800 do movies with other kinds of lil guys. 300 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,320 Movies with other guys?! Get out of there! 301 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:54,400 Hey, hey, hey, stop! 302 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,400 You don't have a problem with me because I'm flamboyant, do you? 303 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,640 No, no... Don't read my old tweets. 304 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,280 Hey. You know what would be fun? 305 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,200 If you were both trapped together under a big glass jar. 306 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,400 No, no, no, don't you jar me! 307 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,640 I like it! Let's dance! 308 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,360 I love a captive audience. 309 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,600 KEVIN WAILS, NAS WHOOPS 310 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:19,200 Kamala, as the first female Vice President of colour, 311 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,440 how did my treatment by the royals make you feel? 312 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,800 I still don't understand why Oprah's not here. 313 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,400 Was it my terrible Vogue cover? 314 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,680 I told you, Oprah slipped on a bar of soap. 315 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,560 You said she was bitten by a raccoon. 316 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,200 She showers with raccoons! 317 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,400 DOOR OPENS 318 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,440 Markle, step away from the interviewee! 319 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,920 Sorry, Megs, I just couldn't be cruel 320 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,320 to those orange pumpkins. I can't commit ginger-on-ginger crime! 321 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,480 But this is my authentic purpose! 322 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,360 I'm getting impatient! 323 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,240 Stay back, or I'll shoot! 324 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,600 Keep talking. I'm empathising. 325 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,320 FEEBLE TRICKLE 326 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,680 This thing's not even on. 327 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,440 Let's just go home, Megs. 328 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,200 Gardening is dumb. I'm so tired. 329 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:06,920 Want me to prosecute? I lo-o-o-ove to prosecute. 330 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,480 MANIC LAUGH 331 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,560 I think she got it out of her system. 332 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,040 It's gonna be OK. 333 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,680 My little ones, all safe again. 334 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,280 Wait... where's Baby Darryl? 335 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:23,600 Look, Harry, we have a new baby. 336 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,920 EVIL LAUGH, THUNDERCLAP 337 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,560 BIG BEN CHIMES 338 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,240 Tim Davie, it's been a year 339 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,480 since I got you appointed Director General of the BBC, 340 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,080 and I'm bloody glad I did. 341 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,680 You're completely independent, completely impartial. 342 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,160 I love you, Boris! 343 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,320 BARKS, SLOBBERS 344 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,440 Good boy, good Timmy. Have a Timmy treat. 345 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:47,880 What a year you've had! 346 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,200 Who got rid of that awful lefty Mash Report for Daddy? 347 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,640 Timmy did! Timmy did! 348 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,320 And who's going to make sure Daddy gets re-elected 349 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,520 in three years' time? 350 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,360 Timmy will! Timmy will! 351 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:02,120 But who's still employing that woke big-eared foghorn, Gary Lineker? 352 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,480 WHINES Timmy is. 353 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,880 Bad Timmy! TIMMY YELPS 354 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,320 Oh, I can't stay angry with you for long. 355 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,440 Now, who's going to show Daddy how to lick his own balls? 356 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,960 Me, me, me! 357 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,760 SLOBBERS Good Timmy! 358 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,920 Great job on the campaign poster, Mitch. 359 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,360 Our voters will appreciate the subtlety. 360 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,960 If they can see it through their cataracts, Mike. 361 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,720 Let's face it, for some reason, 362 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,880 young people don't wanna join the Grand Old Party. 363 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,320 Could be the name. 364 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,120 What if we call it the Groovy Old Party? 365 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:36,360 Or the Gay Old Party? You know, the happy kind of gay. 366 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,440 No. I brought in a consultant. 367 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,200 Someone with his finger on the pulse of Gen-Z. 368 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,160 What's up, my dawgs? 369 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,240 Whoa! Slow down, hep cat. 370 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,160 What we need is an influencer "hype house". 371 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:54,480 We put our rising Republican stars together in one crazy compound, 372 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,120 to crank out "hot fire soash meeds" on TikTok and Instagram. 373 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,600 Check it out. 374 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,240 Hey, Hype House hoes! Was that offensive? 375 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,040 Sorry, snowflakes. 376 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,400 We're comin' to you with the freshest GOP content. 377 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,760 And having the one thing Demo-craps can't cancel... 378 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:14,840 fun! 379 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:18,680 Uh-oh. Someone's been partying too hard. 380 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,640 FOGHORN 381 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,000 Wake up and stop the steal! 382 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,920 'And then this happened...' 383 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,840 I'm Hillary Clinton! I did Benghazi! 384 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,160 I eat babies in a pizzeria! 385 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,000 'And then this happened...' 386 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,000 Hey, that's my milk! 387 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,240 Gun rights! 388 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,800 'Bang. Bang-Bang.' 389 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,080 No! CANNED LAUGHTER 390 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,080 We already have eight views! 391 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,080 Although half of them are us. 392 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,120 Oh, God. Are those idiots really the future of the Republican party? 393 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,200 Hyah! 394 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,840 You got a problem with that? 395 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:55,240 No. 396 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,400 GIULIANI FARTS 397 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,920 Oi, hurry up! We'll miss the first speaker. 398 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,040 Why'd you wanna come to a climate change conference? 399 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,400 It's so depressing. Yeah, it's great! 400 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,680 My new fella's so perfect, 401 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,800 I need something tragic to get me next album started! 402 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,040 Check it out. 403 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:15,440 # Polar bears are gonna die... # 404 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,880 VOCALISES 405 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,920 Bit bleak, love. How about I just get your boyfriend to cheat on you? 406 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,840 Oh! Yeah, nice! Prosecco? Ha! 407 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,680 CACKLES What am I like?! 408 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,080 "Searching for a wet wipe, 409 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,920 "wondering who else had just given a hand job in a confessional, 410 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,120 "Indiana Jones was having quite the day." 411 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,640 The key to writing a blockbuster adventure movie 412 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,440 is to Fleabag the fuck out of it. 413 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,440 Deploy the unexpected. 414 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,280 Like a premature ejaculation, or Olivia Colman. 415 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,120 Oh. I'm here now, am I? 416 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:57,080 Actually, not Olivia Colman, because she's in everything. 417 00:16:58,240 --> 00:16:59,400 Ooh, gosh! 418 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,600 I'm Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and this is my masterclass. 419 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,760 "Now," said Indiana Jones, "who wants to shag me up the arse?" 420 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:13,600 Mr President, the new British ambassador to Moscow... 421 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,240 Tom Daley. 422 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,360 Hiya! 423 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,160 Oh, if it isn't Mr Boing-Boing-Splash. 424 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,920 We need to talk... about men who knit. 425 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,560 We do? Yes! 426 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,480 You're not respecting the rights of male knitters like myself. 427 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:30,840 In fact, you're repressing the entire KCNQ community. 428 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,680 KCNQ...? 429 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,920 Knitting, crochet, needlepoint, and quilting. 430 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,240 Look, we are not saying men cannot knit. 431 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,360 We are saying Russia is different from decadent West. 432 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,600 We have our own craft traditions. Like nesting dolls. 433 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,480 You mean, little men going inside big men? 434 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,040 Never thought of it that way. 435 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,720 No more nesting dolls either! 436 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,640 But what's wrong with knitting? You're wearing a pullover. 437 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,760 It really suits you. You think? 438 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,600 Brings out the colour of your eyes. Makes you look strong. 439 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,000 You think it makes me look manly? 440 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,640 Absolutely. 441 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,160 Manliness is very important. 442 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,360 OK, from now on, we allow male knitting! 443 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,440 To seal the deal, 444 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,040 let's wrestle naked in front of a roaring log fire! 445 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,840 Erm... actually, I've got a diving competition to get to. 446 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,960 Also, maybe the President of Russia wrestling naked with Tom Daley 447 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,840 in front of a roaring log fire would send out confusing message? 448 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,200 Bah! I like naked wrestling! 449 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,080 TOM WHIMPERS 450 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,480 OK, steady on. Hands to yourself. 451 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,120 Stop it! Vlad! 452 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,880 Hurry up, Hot Flash! 453 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,680 Professor Doom is crossing the trans-dimensional rift! 454 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,080 I hope they widened it, 455 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,280 because he's really put on some pounds. 456 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,000 We can't hold off Professor Doom much longer. 457 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,680 Mom? What's going on? 458 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,080 Melody? But you and Ryan eloped to Belize. 459 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,120 EXPLOSION 460 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,200 I was wrong. 461 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,000 I wanna get married in the most beautiful place on earth. 462 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,440 This kitchen. 463 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:17,280 Well, let's not get "ahead" of ourselves! 464 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,680 As usual, your timing is appalling, Professor Doom. 465 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,440 I had to tell Melody... I am her father. 466 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,000 Mom?! 467 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,520 I was a free spirit. 468 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:33,320 And now, Hot Flash, will you marry me?! 469 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,160 Well, we've got enough hors d'oeuvres. Oh! 470 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,560 TUNE: 'Take A Chance On Me' 471 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:41,240 # I'm gonna marry Doom In my favourite room... # 472 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,640 Hello, TikTok! 473 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,520 You may have heard that famous British schools 474 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,400 have been making deals to get money from China. 475 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,960 But don't worry, there is no catch. 476 00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,200 Good news! 477 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,800 One school now has four Communist Party members on the board! 478 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,320 Not now, Qian! Oh! 479 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:08,800 Anyway, kids, here's a fun dance called Schoolhouse-Tok 480 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,920 to help you fit into your new school. 481 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,160 # Welcome to our school Now do a disco move 482 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,160 # You won't learn anything That isn't Xi Jinping-approved 483 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,720 # Xi Jinping-approved 484 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,960 # The classes are so fun The canteen will make you grin 485 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,720 # Have a wet market lunch Of bat and pangolin 486 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,880 # Pangolin 487 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,000 # Take out your phone And wave it in the air 488 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,440 # So we can fill it up With surveillance software 489 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,440 # Google is forbidden Obedience is great 490 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,560 # Everybody point left And denounce your schoolmate 491 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,680 # Schoolhouse-Tok is fun But if you can't relate 492 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:47,840 # We have a special campus Where you can... concentrate 493 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:53,400 # Concentra-a-ate. # 494 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,240 I hope you liked our Schoolhouse-Tok. 495 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,600 And don't worry if you're not in our school district. 496 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,320 THREATENING: You will be. 497 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,240 FIREWORKS CRACKLE 498 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,600 Who's ready for a rocket? 499 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,600 But, Dad, isn't setting off fireworks 500 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,360 a signal that drugs are for sale? 501 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,760 Don't be daft, love! That's just an urban myth. 502 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,160 FIREWORKS EXPLODE 503 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,360 IMITATES DANCE BEAT 504 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,680 I got your message. I'll take whatever you've got. 505 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,120 Beans, Charlie, bit of dinky-do to "level me up". 506 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:22,720 What's in the box? 507 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,040 It's a Roman candle. 508 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,440 Is that slang for cocaine? 509 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,120 Get lost. 510 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,880 FIREWORKS EXPLODE 511 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,680 Ooh! Unh-unh! They might have ket. 512 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,440 IMITATES DANCE BEAT 513 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,080 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 514 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,920 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 515 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,320 # Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh 516 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,680 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 517 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,720 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 518 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,760 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 519 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,680 # Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah 520 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,400 # Oh-ah! # 521 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,440 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com