1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,200 BIG BEN CHIMES 2 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:03,960 Congratulations, Matt, 3 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:07,960 we're naming you United Nations Ambassador. 4 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,000 Really? Me? 5 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,480 Oh, this is the comeback I've been waiting for. 6 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:14,000 Back in the public eye. 7 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:17,400 I'm going to tell everybody, just everybody! 8 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:20,520 Wait, you're not tricking me? 9 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,280 No, no. We wouldn't do that. 10 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,640 Yay! He-he-he-he! 11 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,400 THEY BOTH CHUCKLE 12 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,080 God, we're good. 13 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,080 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 14 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,680 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 15 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,800 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 16 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,120 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 17 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,960 # Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! # 18 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,120 Ah-ah-ah-ah! 19 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:50,960 BIG BEN CHIMES 20 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:56,600 I'm the Foreign Secretary, Chevening is my grace-and-favour mansion. 21 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,320 But I was there first, 22 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,960 and as Deputy Prime Minister, I vote my right to call dibs. 23 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,680 Double dibs! Double dibs, no returns! 24 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,520 Oh, sort it out for yourselves. 25 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,800 I didn't come into government to solve problems. 26 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,400 Vroom! 27 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,560 Dom, let's be grown-up about this. Yes, absolutely. 28 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:19,400 Perfect. Right, it's beer o'clock in Raab Town. 29 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,240 Yeah, well, the fridge is in Trussville. Dammit! 30 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,200 Why am I so terrible at geography? 31 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,560 Can you at least pass me a beer? Yes. 32 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:29,240 But before it crosses the border, 33 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,880 you'll have to fill out the customs declarations. 34 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,840 Do you have a pen? Yes. 35 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,760 Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! HE GROANS 36 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,400 Uh, hello? BOTH: Hi, Emmanuel! 37 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,360 Wait, you invited Macron, too? 38 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,400 Yes, we're going to drink white wine 39 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,360 and watch Married At First Sight Australia. 40 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,720 But we're going to watch Cobra Kai in the bro cave 41 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,200 and work on our topless grappling. 42 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,120 Come here. Grapple! Grapple! 43 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,040 No! He's my Frenchman. 44 00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,760 GRUNTING 45 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,880 Do not finger me like some kind of snail quiche. 46 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,600 I came here for a serious conversation about fishing rights. 47 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,120 Really? In that case, Liz, he's all yours. 48 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,760 Er, no, no, you had him first. 49 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,040 No! 50 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,640 ALL ARGUING 51 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,800 Don't touch me. While this bollocks goes on, 52 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,560 I'm being illegally fished by a load of Spaniards. 53 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,920 Anyway, see you all next week on Chevening Chums. 54 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,040 CHUCKLES 55 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,360 On a day of high drama, Harry, 56 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,320 you finally scored in the Premier League. 57 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,120 Yeah, no, it was a great goal, 58 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,960 but a fan collapsed in the stadium, and that's my main concern. 59 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,560 I guess some days, football takes a back seat? 60 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,680 Absolutely. I did well, though. 61 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:44,800 The keeper was coming out, side of the foot, silky! 62 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,160 But the main thing is the fan. 63 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,920 And the great news is he's gonna be just fine. 64 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,800 He is? Come on! What a goal! 65 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,880 First in the Prem! Here you go, lads, here's the boot that did it. 66 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:56,880 THUD 67 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,840 MAN: You took out my eye, you prick! 68 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,520 Oh, bloody hell. 69 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,280 But did you see my goal? 70 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,520 Faithful Catholics, it's me, Francis the Pope. 71 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,840 You've donated 15 euros, 72 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:16,680 so you've now got access to my private Only Fan-atics site. 73 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,920 CHORAL MUSIC 74 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:24,840 But in here, you Fan-atics get access to my private practices. 75 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:25,880 HE CHUCKLES 76 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,960 God loves women... when they make babies. 77 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,880 But they're never going to be priests. 78 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,440 You know why? They got us kicked out of Eden! 79 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,360 Boom! That's what I really think. Ha-ha. 80 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:41,400 And sure, I said gay and lesbians could get civil marriages, 81 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,840 but they don't make babies, so hell for them, too, 82 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,960 along with the people that make condoms. 83 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,520 The devil's gift-wrap. 84 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:48,840 Hm. 85 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,200 OK, that's all for today. 86 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,680 Remember, if you have been naughty, 87 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:59,160 try my exclusive Confession Session. 88 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:04,760 For just ten euros more, I'll forgive you all night long! 89 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,200 And help you pay your penance. 90 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,520 Bad Cardinal Marcello. WHIPS 91 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:11,720 Bad! WHIPS 92 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,760 Ooh, yeah! CARDINAL GROANS 93 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:16,000 It's really exciting to be presenting 94 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,160 the first-ever Earthshot Prize. 95 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:22,280 Everything about tonight is green. Even our clothes are recycled. 96 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:25,000 Just the typical things people have around the house. 97 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,280 Or garden. 98 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:30,000 These are feathers from a swan that was savaged by a corgi. 99 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,040 Tonight is all about spending money to protect the environment, 100 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:37,480 not wasting it on space rockets like Jeff Bezos and William Shatner. 101 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,200 But what of mankind's primal urge to reach out and explore, 102 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,560 to push back the frontiers of knowledge? 103 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,200 That is our essence. 104 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,160 Yes, but how do we make people wash out their bean tins 105 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,440 before they recycle them? 106 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,200 The technology we develop on our quest to the stars 107 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,600 will answer all your bean tin-related questions. 108 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,640 How can you not see this? You, a prince? 109 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,840 Why don't you pick on someone your own age, Shatner? 110 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:02,960 It's really OK... 111 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,360 Oh, no, it isn't. 112 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,800 Come on, Shatner, you blathering space fuck! 113 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:08,920 A battle of champions? 114 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,200 If it'll stop more bloodshed, then so be it. 115 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,160 TENSE MUSIC, GRUNTING 116 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,160 You're strong for an environmentalist. 117 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,320 Strong enough to kick your arse, Captain Berk. 118 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,800 GRUNTING AND STRAINING 119 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,560 Why do we fight like this? 120 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,920 In the end, aren't we all just celebrities 121 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,360 trying to get our face on the news? 122 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:37,840 DAVID PANTING 123 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:42,440 You're right. We've let pride get in the way of our personal brands. 124 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,280 To friendship. 125 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,360 And, yes, love. 126 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,240 William Shatner? Yes, Princess Kate? 127 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,160 I'm a member of the British royal family. 128 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,920 What is love? 129 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,000 Let me show you. Ooh! 130 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,440 KISSING 131 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,040 Um, we need to go inside. 132 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,440 Greta Thunberg is singing Sweet Caroline. Kate? 133 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,080 Um, Kate? 134 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,920 Hey, there, it's Tom Cruise. 135 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,880 I'm here... on Cameo... 136 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,920 to say happy... anniversary... 137 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,960 Jessica and John. 138 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,240 Tom, would you like us to adjust the camera down? 139 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,520 Why would you do that? It's fine where it is. 140 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,440 John, Jessica... have a great... anniversary. 141 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,760 OK, that'll be $14 million. 142 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,800 Well, goodbye forever, Elon. 143 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,800 I'll never forget you. 144 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,240 And I'll never forget you, Grimes, 145 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,080 thanks to these bat wings you gave me for my birthday. 146 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,320 Then I'll sing my farewell song. 147 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,000 # Grimes! Grimes goes bye! # 148 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,480 No. No more. 149 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,160 You've already eased the torment of you leaving. 150 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,040 Oh, you got something from Amazon. 151 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,400 A letter from Bezos itself? 152 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:53,760 "Dear Elon, as you know, I've retired as head of Amazon. 153 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,160 "I thought I'd done it all, 154 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,160 "but there was still something missing..." 155 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,480 BOTH: "So I've returned to the inspiration for my fortune..." 156 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,040 The Amazon river. 157 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:07,160 And here, deep in the jungle, I've learned the secret to happiness. 158 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,720 I have wisdom and you don't! 159 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,960 "Bez out." 160 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,560 Musk, did you get this letter from Bezos? 161 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,520 The Amazon river? 162 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,280 He's clearly gone Willy in the Wonka. 163 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,440 But what if he hasn't? That would mean he has something I don't. 164 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,720 I have to search the Amazon and find him. 165 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:26,720 I'll come, too. This is a two-billionaire mission. 166 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,640 We'll take the new Tesla self-driving boat up the river, 167 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:34,400 a thousand-mile voyage, deep into the heart of dorkness. 168 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,800 Rachel, can we please go to a gay bar? 169 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,760 Oh, just relax, Daniel. In a hetero pub like this, 170 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,720 there's always some testosterone-fuelled tosser 171 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,760 who wants to pick a fight with James Bond. 172 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,160 Nice pub, isn't it? Oh, here we go. 173 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,120 You want a piece of James Bond, do you? 174 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,240 All right, try this. 175 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,520 D'you know if they're showing the football? 176 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,040 What, cos I'm a secret agent and I know everything? Eh? 177 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,600 Come on, then. GLASS SMASHES 178 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,840 Argh! Sitting all quiet, are you? 179 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,320 Huh? DANIEL GRUNTS 180 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,080 Ow! That's right, I'm James Bond. 181 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,200 Now, why won't you all leave me alone? 182 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,760 GLASS SMASHING, SCREAMING 183 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,400 I don't need therapy! 184 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,160 GRUNTING, SCREAMING 185 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,760 'Once, there was a little boy made of wood, 186 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,360 'who was also the leader of the Labour Party.' 187 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:30,480 Oh, Jezza, I want to be a real boy and run the country! 188 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,960 Then, Spinnochio, you must give the people 189 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:37,920 the one thing they really want - a fairer deal for the Palestinians. 190 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,400 Don't listen to Jezza, he almost destroyed the Labour Party. 191 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,160 Students liked me. Who are you, anyway? 192 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,080 Jiminy Blair - conscience of the Labour Party. 193 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,520 What? After you took the country into the war on Iraq? 194 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:53,880 I'm not listening! 195 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,360 Spinnochio, to become a real boy, 196 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,360 you must win the forthcoming by-election. 197 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,520 Now, get campaigning. 198 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,160 Everyone knows our frontbench team, they're really cutting through. 199 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,680 And our policies are radically different to those of the Tories 200 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:10,680 with their calls for levelling up. 201 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,720 And on a personal level, 202 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,200 I have just as much charisma as Boris Johnson. 203 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,600 If not more! 204 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,680 I think you're a boring block of wood. 205 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:24,360 Jezza, we lost the by-election, but only by 5,000 votes. 206 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,040 Now can I be a real boy? I've got a better idea. 207 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,680 Argh! 208 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:35,040 Argh! Burning wood is environmentally unfriendly! 209 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,880 But it warms my old bones. 210 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,240 Dammit, Branson, we're halfway up the Amazon 211 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,480 and still no sign of Bezos and his secret to happiness. 212 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,520 HE SIGHS 213 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,600 And we're out of ice, old melon. 214 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,280 You really should have brought more. I brought the cheese, 215 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,280 50 wheels of Le Brouere melting in the ship's hold. 216 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,720 POWERING DOWN 217 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,840 X5 boat, what's wrong? 218 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,760 'Battery depleted. Reducing to minimum speed.' 219 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,480 This is an emergency. I'm calling for help. 220 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:12,840 And ice. 221 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:17,400 No reception! Screw you, rainforest! 222 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,680 MONKEY SCREAMS 223 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,600 Ooh! I'm a billionaire, Branson. 224 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,800 I'll figure this out the way I solve every other problem - 225 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,160 break out the weed. 226 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,240 I didn't bring any. We're fucked! 227 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,920 MONKEYS SCREECHING 228 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:30,960 Ah! Ooh! 229 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,920 This is no good! Where are my reading glasses? 230 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,800 Ah! That's better! 231 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,360 Fuck! 232 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,400 It's from the producers of the next Bond movie. 233 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,760 They want me to do the song! 234 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,880 Really? Don't they normally get hip, young people to do that? 235 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,680 I'm young! 74 is the new 35. 236 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,000 And I've got lots of trendy new song ideas! 237 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,840 # I'm still James Bond Yeah, yeah, yeah! # 238 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:57,880 Are you sure? 239 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,800 Billie Eilish did the last one, and she's still in diapers. 240 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,400 You're right. So, why are they getting in touch? 241 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,360 Where are my bifocals? 242 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,200 Ha! 243 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,200 GASPS Double fuck! 244 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,440 They want me to play Bond! What? 245 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,760 Bond. James Bond. 246 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,720 Licence to kill. CHUCKLES 247 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,520 Quite a lot of people I'd like to kill. 248 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,360 Starting with Madonna! Give me the phone. 249 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,560 They want you to play a comedy part. 250 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:26,000 An old has-been singer with haemorrhoids. 251 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,440 GASPS I don't have haemorrhoids! 252 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,640 Then why have you been buying this cream? 253 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:34,560 You're right. I'm a pathetic, vain, deluded, hilarious old man. 254 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,840 No! You're not hilarious. 255 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,840 You won't even give me that?! 256 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:43,120 I'm going to end it all by sticking my head in the oven! 257 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,360 Goodbye, cruel world! 258 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:47,760 ELTON WAILS 259 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,840 Oh, there's an apple crumble in here. 260 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,600 Where's my cup of tea? 261 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,160 Coming right up! 262 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,720 Didn't want to play Bond anyway. Or do the stupid song. 263 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,440 # At the skyfall 264 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,440 # I'll eat crumble 265 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,360 # With some custard 266 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,200 # Till my tum's full. # 267 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,800 I'm on the Bond diet. 268 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,480 Double-O Seven helpings! 269 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,720 CACKLES 270 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,520 Oh, no, a baby's about to fall off that balcony! 271 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:23,280 This sounds like a job for the future King of England! 272 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,080 How does being royal help? 273 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,360 Because whenever I travel, 274 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:30,800 my hands swell up to five times their normal size. 275 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:34,360 It's weird, but true. You can see it in photos of me. 276 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,280 Right now, it's just the ticket. 277 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:37,520 BABY WAILS 278 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,920 How can the people of Britain ever repay you? 279 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,000 Just doing my duty, madam. Shake? 280 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,800 Ooh! Get those puffy goo bags away! 281 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,280 Fair enough. 282 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,240 God, how long have we been on this river? 283 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,160 Food gone... battery dead... 284 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,920 Look, over there! Is that some hideous jungle ghost? 285 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:05,120 No, it's me! Mark Zuckerberg! I got the letter too, man. 286 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,480 I power-surfed up the river as fast as I could, 287 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,000 living off flies that flew into my mouth. 288 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,080 SNAP 289 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,960 Follow me to the Temple of Bezos! 290 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,480 Bezos has got the secret to happiness, man! 291 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,520 He's suckin' wisdom straight from God's teat. 292 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,560 I say, Zuck. You haven't gone full bonkers, have you? 293 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:43,000 No, man, I've just been off Facebook for six days. 294 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:47,040 I puked for the first three, but now... I've got clarity. 295 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,640 I knew you'd come... and I'm glad. 296 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,920 In the end, the only friends a billionaire has 297 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,800 are other billionaires. 298 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,800 That's why I brought you all here. 299 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,040 What about Bill Gates? 300 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,520 He sent his lawyer. Urgh! 301 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,480 CRAZY LAUGH Silence, worm! 302 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,040 Of course, my lord. I'll go shoot you a pig. 303 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,480 Listen, Jeff, why don't you tell us the secret of happiness, 304 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,440 and Branson and I will be out of your hair... 305 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,000 I mean, your scalp... I mean, you're bald. 306 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,640 This is the secret. 307 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,120 All those billions we made, it was just a game. 308 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,000 Who's got more? You, me... 309 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,840 Me? Never you, Branson. 310 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,720 But here, we're all friends, equals... 311 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,200 with me in charge. And this is where we will stay... 312 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,760 forever. 313 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,840 Argh! 314 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,200 Oops. Thought he was a boar. 315 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,720 He was a bore, but not that kind. 316 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,520 Maybe it's best we never learned the secret, 317 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,480 since it obviously drove him insane. 318 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,120 Some good did come of this. We've become fast chums. 319 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,640 GOOFY LAUGH 320 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,280 Well, I suppose so. 321 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,280 I did teach this parrot your name. 322 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,200 SQUAWKS Moron! 323 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,600 Grimes?! What are you doing here? 324 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,640 I came to tell you that even though we're separated, 325 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,160 we can still be part of each other's lives. 326 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,080 Of course! Simple human connection. 327 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,440 That's the true secret of happiness. 328 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,360 I wrote a song about it. 329 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:15,560 OFF-KEY: # Grimes! 330 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,840 # Grimes at home! 331 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,960 # Hello-o-o! # 332 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,840 Right, Mr Starmer, the lorry's in reverse. 333 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,680 Handbrake's off. Ready when you are. 334 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,160 What a great photo op. 335 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,920 The perfect way to highlight Labour's deep concern 336 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:31,760 over the shortage of lorry drivers. 337 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,680 Snap away, fellas, as I back this baby up. 338 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,600 CRASH Oh! 339 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,280 If this had been a real test, you would have failed. 340 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,600 Well, that's fine, because I have a pre-prepared ad-lib 341 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,480 to turn this potentially embarrassing moment 342 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,360 into a hilarious public relations triumph. 343 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,160 Properly vetted by my inner circle, a real crowd-pleaser, 344 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,520 which won't offend any minority groups. 345 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,040 Ah, bless you. That is the deepest sleep I've ever had. 346 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,240 Oh... 347 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:02,200 Help! Our Dutch dyke is leaking! Our village will be drowned! 348 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:06,880 Sounds like a job for the Prince with incredible swelling hands! 349 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,000 Oh? 350 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,080 You saved us! 351 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:16,200 Lucky I was making a goodwill tour of the Edam and Gouda factories. 352 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,720 That's always a hand-sweller. 353 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,720 Even I didn't know they could do that! 354 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,320 BIG BEN CHIMES 355 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:27,000 All right, people. Time to put Global Britain on the map! 356 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,040 Remind everyone else 357 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,600 that we're definitely one of the world's... countries. 358 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,360 ALL: Hear, hear! Bravo! Global Britain! A country! 359 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,120 How are we going to do it? 360 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,000 Start a war? Oh! Can I be head of bombs? 361 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,960 Something far better. 362 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,680 It's the new official British Ship of State, 363 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,720 the HMS Nostalgia! 364 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,040 Brilliant! Nostalgia is the future! 365 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,920 SHIP PLAYS RULE, BRITANNIA 366 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,440 What is the HMS Nostalgia supposed to do? 367 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:04,000 Remind us of Great Britain's proud seafaring past. 368 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,080 From Sir Francis Drake to Lord Nelson 369 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,360 to that canoe bloke who faked his own death. 370 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,320 And today's mighty naval fleet, 371 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,680 of which two whole submarines can be at sea at the same time. 372 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:15,800 TOY SQUEAKS 373 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,440 How does a boat that takes five weeks to get anywhere 374 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,600 improve our exports? 375 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,640 Who cares? It's got four bars, three hot tubs, 376 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,520 and a discotheque with a topless Russian DJ. 377 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:26,600 And it's all for us. 378 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:32,560 POUNDING DANCE MUSIC 379 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:37,480 For half a trillion pounds, I thought it would be a little bigger. 380 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,560 Yah, the topless Russian DJ cost more than we thought. 381 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:44,360 Raise roof, Novichokers! 382 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,160 FOGHORN 383 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,400 CRASH 384 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:55,720 Aw. 385 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,880 Oh, no. 386 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,720 CHUCKLES 387 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:13,200 Ivanka Trump, this party is the most exciting thing to hit Florida 388 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,640 since Hurricane Andrew. 389 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,240 Where's Jared? 390 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,800 Working on his book. 391 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,160 His creative juices are flowing with such passion and excitement. 392 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,760 Jared, come and join the party! 393 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,640 I'm surprised two fancy-pantsers like you moved to Florida. 394 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,920 I thought you loved New York. 395 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,480 Yes, but it's so crowded and noisy 396 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,880 and full of people who hate us because of my dad. 397 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,320 So, you've sorta been exiled to Florida. 398 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,520 We think Florida is just as good as New York. 399 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,320 So many cultured, sophisticated people. 400 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,080 Have you met the chairman of the Miami Arts Commission? 401 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,560 How do! This here's my daughter, Mangy Lou. 402 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,000 I love your Gucci alligator-skin purse. 403 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,440 It's an alligator-skinned alligator. 404 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,840 But I keep my oxycodone in it! 405 00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:00,640 Hey! He's gettin' away with my oxy! Come back here! 406 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,720 # Dear Meghan 407 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,240 # You know I've been fascinated By you for a while 408 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,280 # Your bravery and feminism And the way you smile 409 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,160 # I'm a total stan for you Call it my obsession 410 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,440 # I just don't know why I can't get your attention 411 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,200 # How come you don't respond to me I know you've got a podcast 412 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:23,960 # Just say my name once Or I'll blow my fucking brains out 413 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:30,640 # My life is lonely all the time 414 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,400 # I miss Susanna Reid 415 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,320 # And even though I act Like you got me fired 416 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,640 # Still got your picture On my phone 417 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:42,560 # Give me attention Or I'll poo my pants 418 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,080 # I'll poo my pants 419 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,520 # Dear Meghan, I wrote to you again 420 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,120 # On Twitter, Snapchat And Royal Mail 421 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:52,360 # Sometimes people don't understand When I'm trying to be funny 422 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:53,520 # Like when I said 423 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,400 # You were a selfish woke bitch Only in it for the money 424 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,680 # When I called you Princess Pinocchio 425 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,120 # I was kind of in a rage 426 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,000 # Acknowledge my existence 427 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,280 # Or I'll drive off This fucking bridge! # 428 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,160 TYRES SQUEAL 429 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:13,880 Darling, did you hear? 430 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,040 Terrible tragedy happened to that man, you know, Piers Morgan. 431 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,440 Who the fuck is Piers Morgan? 432 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,480 Oh, God, I hate Florida. I miss New York so much! 433 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,080 What I wouldn't do for just one real New Yorker. 434 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,960 And here I am! Mr New York! 435 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,040 Ooh, yuck, yuck, yuck, Rudy Giuliani! 436 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,000 Get out! Shoo! 437 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,360 SNORTS 438 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,600 How 'bout me, Coronavirus? 439 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,160 I spent a lot of time in New York! 440 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,600 Is your dad here? 441 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,640 I wanna thank him for making me so popular. 442 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:49,080 Go away. I don't want anything that reminds people of my father. 443 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,440 That's how we got exiled here in the first place. 444 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:56,360 I hear ya. I'm just gonna go and say hi to my unvaccinated friend. 445 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,520 COUGHS AND RETCHES 446 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,400 And you enjoy some hepatitis! 447 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,200 COUGHS VIOLENTLY 448 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,040 Ivanka and Jared Kushner? I'm an assistant district attorney... 449 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,080 Get lost. ..from New York City. 450 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,680 Come in! Prada suit? Ferragamo shoes? 451 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,320 Oh, my God, genuine New York elite! 452 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,480 I have some questions regarding irregularities 453 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,680 at the Trump Corporation. 454 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,840 If you won't cooperate, we'll have to extradite you to New York. 455 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,640 GASPS You'll take me to New York 456 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,920 and all I have to do is not cooperate? 457 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,040 Can we do that, Jared? 458 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,960 I warn you, you'll be in jail 459 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,480 with muggers and pickpockets and gangsters. 460 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,520 Couldn't be worse than my father's cabinet. 461 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,880 Cuff me, you bitch. You beautiful New York bitch! 462 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:42,000 Jared, baby, get packed. We're going home! 463 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,040 Stop right there, Charles. What are you holding? 464 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,400 Nothing, Mama. 465 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,720 I thought you were visiting Northern Ireland. 466 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,280 But I see you didn't go. 467 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,520 There's something hidden in those hands! 468 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,800 BOTH EXCLAIM 469 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,280 Sneaking off with my crown again! 470 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,800 I knew it. 471 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,720 You big-handed twat. 472 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,000 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 473 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,960 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 474 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,920 # Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh 475 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,880 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 476 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,840 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 477 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,800 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 478 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,920 # Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah 479 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,720 # Oh-ah! # 480 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,760 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com