BIG BEN CHIMES
Congratulations, Matt,
we're naming you United Nations Ambassador.
Really? Me?
Oh, this is the comeback I've been waiting for.
Back in the public eye.
I'm going to tell everybody, just everybody!
Wait, you're not tricking me?
No, no. We wouldn't do that.
Yay! He-he-he-he!
THEY BOTH CHUCKLE
God, we're good.
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
# Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! #
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
BIG BEN CHIMES
I'm the Foreign Secretary, Chevening is my grace-and-favour mansion.
But I was there first,
and as Deputy Prime Minister, I vote my right to call dibs.
Double dibs! Double dibs, no returns!
Oh, sort it out for yourselves.
I didn't come into government to solve problems.
Vroom!
Dom, let's be grown-up about this. Yes, absolutely.
Perfect. Right, it's beer o'clock in Raab Town.
Yeah, well, the fridge is in Trussville. Dammit!
Why am I so terrible at geography?
Can you at least pass me a beer? Yes.
But before it crosses the border,
you'll have to fill out the customs declarations.
Do you have a pen? Yes.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! HE GROANS
Uh, hello? BOTH: Hi, Emmanuel!
Wait, you invited Macron, too?
Yes, we're going to drink white wine
and watch Married At First Sight Australia.
But we're going to watch Cobra Kai in the bro cave
and work on our topless grappling.
Come here. Grapple! Grapple!
No! He's my Frenchman.
GRUNTING
Do not finger me like some kind of snail quiche.
I came here for a serious conversation about fishing rights.
Really? In that case, Liz, he's all yours.
Er, no, no, you had him first.
No!
ALL ARGUING
Don't touch me. While this bollocks goes on,
I'm being illegally fished by a load of Spaniards.
Anyway, see you all next week on Chevening Chums.
CHUCKLES
On a day of high drama, Harry,
you finally scored in the Premier League.
Yeah, no, it was a great goal,
but a fan collapsed in the stadium, and that's my main concern.
I guess some days, football takes a back seat?
Absolutely. I did well, though.
The keeper was coming out, side of the foot, silky!
But the main thing is the fan.
And the great news is he's gonna be just fine.
He is? Come on! What a goal!
First in the Prem! Here you go, lads, here's the boot that did it.
THUD
MAN: You took out my eye, you prick!
Oh, bloody hell.
But did you see my goal?
Faithful Catholics, it's me, Francis the Pope.
You've donated 15 euros,
so you've now got access to my private Only Fan-atics site.
CHORAL MUSIC
But in here, you Fan-atics get access to my private practices.
HE CHUCKLES
God loves women... when they make babies.
But they're never going to be priests.
You know why? They got us kicked out of Eden!
Boom! That's what I really think. Ha-ha.
And sure, I said gay and lesbians could get civil marriages,
but they don't make babies, so hell for them, too,
along with the people that make condoms.
The devil's gift-wrap.
Hm.
OK, that's all for today.
Remember, if you have been naughty,
try my exclusive Confession Session.
For just ten euros more, I'll forgive you all night long!
And help you pay your penance.
Bad Cardinal Marcello. WHIPS
Bad! WHIPS
Ooh, yeah! CARDINAL GROANS
It's really exciting to be presenting
the first-ever Earthshot Prize.
Everything about tonight is green. Even our clothes are recycled.
Just the typical things people have around the house.
Or garden.
These are feathers from a swan that was savaged by a corgi.
Tonight is all about spending money to protect the environment,
not wasting it on space rockets like Jeff Bezos and William Shatner.
But what of mankind's primal urge to reach out and explore,
to push back the frontiers of knowledge?
That is our essence.
Yes, but how do we make people wash out their bean tins
before they recycle them?
The technology we develop on our quest to the stars
will answer all your bean tin-related questions.
How can you not see this? You, a prince?
Why don't you pick on someone your own age, Shatner?
It's really OK...
Oh, no, it isn't.
Come on, Shatner, you blathering space fuck!
A battle of champions?
If it'll stop more bloodshed, then so be it.
TENSE MUSIC, GRUNTING
You're strong for an environmentalist.
Strong enough to kick your arse, Captain Berk.
GRUNTING AND STRAINING
Why do we fight like this?
In the end, aren't we all just celebrities
trying to get our face on the news?
DAVID PANTING
You're right. We've let pride get in the way of our personal brands.
To friendship.
And, yes, love.
William Shatner? Yes, Princess Kate?
I'm a member of the British royal family.
What is love?
Let me show you. Ooh!
KISSING
Um, we need to go inside.
Greta Thunberg is singing Sweet Caroline. Kate?
Um, Kate?
Hey, there, it's Tom Cruise.
I'm here... on Cameo...
to say happy... anniversary...
Jessica and John.
Tom, would you like us to adjust the camera down?
Why would you do that? It's fine where it is.
John, Jessica... have a great... anniversary.
OK, that'll be $14 million.
Well, goodbye forever, Elon.
I'll never forget you.
And I'll never forget you, Grimes,
thanks to these bat wings you gave me for my birthday.
Then I'll sing my farewell song.
# Grimes! Grimes goes bye! #
No. No more.
You've already eased the torment of you leaving.
Oh, you got something from Amazon.
A letter from Bezos itself?
"Dear Elon, as you know, I've retired as head of Amazon.
"I thought I'd done it all,
"but there was still something missing..."
BOTH: "So I've returned to the inspiration for my fortune..."
The Amazon river.
And here, deep in the jungle, I've learned the secret to happiness.
I have wisdom and you don't!
"Bez out."
Musk, did you get this letter from Bezos?
The Amazon river?
He's clearly gone Willy in the Wonka.
But what if he hasn't? That would mean he has something I don't.
I have to search the Amazon and find him.
I'll come, too. This is a two-billionaire mission.
We'll take the new Tesla self-driving boat up the river,
a thousand-mile voyage, deep into the heart of dorkness.
Rachel, can we please go to a gay bar?
Oh, just relax, Daniel. In a hetero pub like this,
there's always some testosterone-fuelled tosser
who wants to pick a fight with James Bond.
Nice pub, isn't it? Oh, here we go.
You want a piece of James Bond, do you?
All right, try this.
D'you know if they're showing the football?
What, cos I'm a secret agent and I know everything? Eh?
Come on, then. GLASS SMASHES
Argh! Sitting all quiet, are you?
Huh? DANIEL GRUNTS
Ow! That's right, I'm James Bond.
Now, why won't you all leave me alone?
GLASS SMASHING, SCREAMING
I don't need therapy!
GRUNTING, SCREAMING
'Once, there was a little boy made of wood,
'who was also the leader of the Labour Party.'
Oh, Jezza, I want to be a real boy and run the country!
Then, Spinnochio, you must give the people
the one thing they really want - a fairer deal for the Palestinians.
Don't listen to Jezza, he almost destroyed the Labour Party.
Students liked me. Who are you, anyway?
Jiminy Blair - conscience of the Labour Party.
What? After you took the country into the war on Iraq?
I'm not listening!
Spinnochio, to become a real boy,
you must win the forthcoming by-election.
Now, get campaigning.
Everyone knows our frontbench team, they're really cutting through.
And our policies are radically different to those of the Tories
with their calls for levelling up.
And on a personal level,
I have just as much charisma as Boris Johnson.
If not more!
I think you're a boring block of wood.
Jezza, we lost the by-election, but only by 5,000 votes.
Now can I be a real boy? I've got a better idea.
Argh!
Argh! Burning wood is environmentally unfriendly!
But it warms my old bones.
Dammit, Branson, we're halfway up the Amazon
and still no sign of Bezos and his secret to happiness.
HE SIGHS
And we're out of ice, old melon.
You really should have brought more. I brought the cheese,
50 wheels of Le Brouere melting in the ship's hold.
POWERING DOWN
X5 boat, what's wrong?
'Battery depleted. Reducing to minimum speed.'
This is an emergency. I'm calling for help.
And ice.
No reception! Screw you, rainforest!
MONKEY SCREAMS
Ooh! I'm a billionaire, Branson.
I'll figure this out the way I solve every other problem -
break out the weed.
I didn't bring any. We're fucked!
MONKEYS SCREECHING
Ah! Ooh!
This is no good! Where are my reading glasses?
Ah! That's better!
Fuck!
It's from the producers of the next Bond movie.
They want me to do the song!
Really? Don't they normally get hip, young people to do that?
I'm young! 74 is the new 35.
And I've got lots of trendy new song ideas!
# I'm still James Bond Yeah, yeah, yeah! #
Are you sure?
Billie Eilish did the last one, and she's still in diapers.
You're right. So, why are they getting in touch?
Where are my bifocals?
Ha!
GASPS Double fuck!
They want me to play Bond! What?
Bond. James Bond.
Licence to kill. CHUCKLES
Quite a lot of people I'd like to kill.
Starting with Madonna! Give me the phone.
They want you to play a comedy part.
An old has-been singer with haemorrhoids.
GASPS I don't have haemorrhoids!
Then why have you been buying this cream?
You're right. I'm a pathetic, vain, deluded, hilarious old man.
No! You're not hilarious.
You won't even give me that?!
I'm going to end it all by sticking my head in the oven!
Goodbye, cruel world!
ELTON WAILS
Oh, there's an apple crumble in here.
Where's my cup of tea?
Coming right up!
Didn't want to play Bond anyway. Or do the stupid song.
# At the skyfall
# I'll eat crumble
# With some custard
# Till my tum's full. #
I'm on the Bond diet.
Double-O Seven helpings!
CACKLES
Oh, no, a baby's about to fall off that balcony!
This sounds like a job for the future King of England!
How does being royal help?
Because whenever I travel,
my hands swell up to five times their normal size.
It's weird, but true. You can see it in photos of me.
Right now, it's just the ticket.
BABY WAILS
How can the people of Britain ever repay you?
Just doing my duty, madam. Shake?
Ooh! Get those puffy goo bags away!
Fair enough.
God, how long have we been on this river?
Food gone... battery dead...
Look, over there! Is that some hideous jungle ghost?
No, it's me! Mark Zuckerberg! I got the letter too, man.
I power-surfed up the river as fast as I could,
living off flies that flew into my mouth.
SNAP
Follow me to the Temple of Bezos!
Bezos has got the secret to happiness, man!
He's suckin' wisdom straight from God's teat.
I say, Zuck. You haven't gone full bonkers, have you?
No, man, I've just been off Facebook for six days.
I puked for the first three, but now... I've got clarity.
I knew you'd come... and I'm glad.
In the end, the only friends a billionaire has
are other billionaires.
That's why I brought you all here.
What about Bill Gates?
He sent his lawyer. Urgh!
CRAZY LAUGH Silence, worm!
Of course, my lord. I'll go shoot you a pig.
Listen, Jeff, why don't you tell us the secret of happiness,
and Branson and I will be out of your hair...
I mean, your scalp... I mean, you're bald.
This is the secret.
All those billions we made, it was just a game.
Who's got more? You, me...
Me? Never you, Branson.
But here, we're all friends, equals...
with me in charge. And this is where we will stay...
forever.
Argh!
Oops. Thought he was a boar.
He was a bore, but not that kind.
Maybe it's best we never learned the secret,
since it obviously drove him insane.
Some good did come of this. We've become fast chums.
GOOFY LAUGH
Well, I suppose so.
I did teach this parrot your name.
SQUAWKS Moron!
Grimes?! What are you doing here?
I came to tell you that even though we're separated,
we can still be part of each other's lives.
Of course! Simple human connection.
That's the true secret of happiness.
I wrote a song about it.
OFF-KEY: # Grimes!
# Grimes at home!
# Hello-o-o! #
Right, Mr Starmer, the lorry's in reverse.
Handbrake's off. Ready when you are.
What a great photo op.
The perfect way to highlight Labour's deep concern
over the shortage of lorry drivers.
Snap away, fellas, as I back this baby up.
CRASH Oh!
If this had been a real test, you would have failed.
Well, that's fine, because I have a pre-prepared ad-lib
to turn this potentially embarrassing moment
into a hilarious public relations triumph.
Properly vetted by my inner circle, a real crowd-pleaser,
which won't offend any minority groups.
Ah, bless you. That is the deepest sleep I've ever had.
Oh...
Help! Our Dutch dyke is leaking! Our village will be drowned!
Sounds like a job for the Prince with incredible swelling hands!
Oh?
You saved us!
Lucky I was making a goodwill tour of the Edam and Gouda factories.
That's always a hand-sweller.
Even I didn't know they could do that!
BIG BEN CHIMES
All right, people. Time to put Global Britain on the map!
Remind everyone else
that we're definitely one of the world's... countries.
ALL: Hear, hear! Bravo! Global Britain! A country!
How are we going to do it?
Start a war? Oh! Can I be head of bombs?
Something far better.
It's the new official British Ship of State,
the HMS Nostalgia!
Brilliant! Nostalgia is the future!
SHIP PLAYS RULE, BRITANNIA
What is the HMS Nostalgia supposed to do?
Remind us of Great Britain's proud seafaring past.
From Sir Francis Drake to Lord Nelson
to that canoe bloke who faked his own death.
And today's mighty naval fleet,
of which two whole submarines can be at sea at the same time.
TOY SQUEAKS
How does a boat that takes five weeks to get anywhere
improve our exports?
Who cares? It's got four bars, three hot tubs,
and a discotheque with a topless Russian DJ.
And it's all for us.
POUNDING DANCE MUSIC
For half a trillion pounds, I thought it would be a little bigger.
Yah, the topless Russian DJ cost more than we thought.
Raise roof, Novichokers!
FOGHORN
CRASH
Aw.
Oh, no.
CHUCKLES
Ivanka Trump, this party is the most exciting thing to hit Florida
since Hurricane Andrew.
Where's Jared?
Working on his book.
His creative juices are flowing with such passion and excitement.
Jared, come and join the party!
I'm surprised two fancy-pantsers like you moved to Florida.
I thought you loved New York.
Yes, but it's so crowded and noisy
and full of people who hate us because of my dad.
So, you've sorta been exiled to Florida.
We think Florida is just as good as New York.
So many cultured, sophisticated people.
Have you met the chairman of the Miami Arts Commission?
How do! This here's my daughter, Mangy Lou.
I love your Gucci alligator-skin purse.
It's an alligator-skinned alligator.
But I keep my oxycodone in it!
Hey! He's gettin' away with my oxy! Come back here!
# Dear Meghan
# You know I've been fascinated By you for a while
# Your bravery and feminism And the way you smile
# I'm a total stan for you Call it my obsession
# I just don't know why I can't get your attention
# How come you don't respond to me I know you've got a podcast
# Just say my name once Or I'll blow my fucking brains out
# My life is lonely all the time
# I miss Susanna Reid
# And even though I act Like you got me fired
# Still got your picture On my phone
# Give me attention Or I'll poo my pants
# I'll poo my pants
# Dear Meghan, I wrote to you again
# On Twitter, Snapchat And Royal Mail
# Sometimes people don't understand When I'm trying to be funny
# Like when I said
# You were a selfish woke bitch Only in it for the money
# When I called you Princess Pinocchio
# I was kind of in a rage
# Acknowledge my existence
# Or I'll drive off This fucking bridge! #
TYRES SQUEAL
Darling, did you hear?
Terrible tragedy happened to that man, you know, Piers Morgan.
Who the fuck is Piers Morgan?
Oh, God, I hate Florida. I miss New York so much!
What I wouldn't do for just one real New Yorker.
And here I am! Mr New York!
Ooh, yuck, yuck, yuck, Rudy Giuliani!
Get out! Shoo!
SNORTS
How 'bout me, Coronavirus?
I spent a lot of time in New York!
Is your dad here?
I wanna thank him for making me so popular.
Go away. I don't want anything that reminds people of my father.
That's how we got exiled here in the first place.
I hear ya. I'm just gonna go and say hi to my unvaccinated friend.
COUGHS AND RETCHES
And you enjoy some hepatitis!
COUGHS VIOLENTLY
Ivanka and Jared Kushner? I'm an assistant district attorney...
Get lost. ..from New York City.
Come in! Prada suit? Ferragamo shoes?
Oh, my God, genuine New York elite!
I have some questions regarding irregularities
at the Trump Corporation.
If you won't cooperate, we'll have to extradite you to New York.
GASPS You'll take me to New York
and all I have to do is not cooperate?
Can we do that, Jared?
I warn you, you'll be in jail
with muggers and pickpockets and gangsters.
Couldn't be worse than my father's cabinet.
Cuff me, you bitch. You beautiful New York bitch!
Jared, baby, get packed. We're going home!
Stop right there, Charles. What are you holding?
Nothing, Mama.
I thought you were visiting Northern Ireland.
But I see you didn't go.
There's something hidden in those hands!
BOTH EXCLAIM
Sneaking off with my crown again!
I knew it.
You big-handed twat.
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
# Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah
# Oh-ah! #
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