1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:04,120
Good evening. The producers
of Spitting Image have invited me

2
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:07,400
to clarify some recent statements
made by the Met Police.

3
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:11,000
Now, before I get started,
they've asked me to take off my hat

4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,600
and hold my head right about here.

5
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,600
CRUNCHING
Oh!

6
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:19,160
Ah! Fair point.
But Cressida Dick's not resigning.

7
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,600
CRUNCHING
Ooh!

8
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:24,560
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

9
00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:27,800
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

10
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,280
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

11
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,600
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

12
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,760
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

13
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,480
SIRENS WAILING

14
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:44,120
BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'

15
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:48,600
Right. This week is my big speech
to the Tory conference.

16
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,720
I know I can please the crowd
classic Bozza style,

17
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,040
but this year, I really want
to dig into the issues.

18
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,600
Let me run it past you
and get your honest opinion.

19
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,280
Bring it on, boss!
Make love to my ears.

20
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,440
"Hello, Manchester."
Pause for applause.

21
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,240
RAAB LAUGHS GLEEFULLY
Yes!

22
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,920
The centrepiece of our programme
is "levelling up".

23
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:11,360
Good. Finally, the details of what
"levellin' up" actually means.

24
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,080
Look! I've got big knockers!

25
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,480
Ha-ha!

26
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,520
Oh, if these were real,
I'd never leave the house.

27
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,040
That will definitely play in the
Shires, but what about the economy?

28
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,600
Oh, I've got that.

29
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,960
We shall turbocharge the economy,
no strings attached.

30
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,400
Very good. Excellent.
Oh! Yes.

31
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,200
But exactly how will we...?

32
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,040
SCREAMING: Argh! My eyes!

33
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,040
Strings! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

34
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,280
Ooh-ooh! Hoo-hee-ha-ha!

35
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,200
Ah, God bless the man
who invented that.

36
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,080
And, of course, we shall
safeguard supplies of British food.

37
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,400
Crivens.
Here comes the pie in the face.

38
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,600
Wrong. Brick!

39
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:46,640
CRUNCHING
Ooh!

40
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,640
Oh!
Yada-yada-yada...

41
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,880
THUD
..and then I get my cock out.

42
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,080
You can't win over
the entire Tory Party

43
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,840
with an hour of prop comedy
and knob gags!

44
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,160
ZIPPING,
CROWD ROARS

45
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,160
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

46
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,160
God, politics is easy.

47
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

48
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,600
OK, guys, we're here
to talk about our next campaign.

49
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,200
Getting knocked out
of the World Cup?

50
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,240
No, our next campaign
to effect profound social change.

51
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,240
That's why we got into football,
right?

52
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,800
Sound. Also, the hot women
that we totally respect.

53
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,640
ITALIAN ACCENT: We at FIFA
support your progressive values.

54
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,400
Right, who has some ideas?

55
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,400
Apart from Marcus.

56
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,720
Stop human rights abuses?
Great idea!

57
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,600
But maybe we can leave this
until after the Qatar World Cup?

58
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,680
A campaign against junk food
that causes obesity?

59
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,080
Excellent!
We'll definitely consider that

60
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,320
when the sponsorship deals are up
in 2070.

61
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,840
We should stop taking money
from gambling companies.

62
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,520
They're ruining society.

63
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,960
Yeah, that's right, they are.
Yes!

64
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,160
I had a grand on you to say that.

65
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,040
What about air pollution?
Perfect celebrity cause.

66
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,360
Everyone's against it,
and no-one expects us

67
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,760
to have any ideas
about how to solve it.

68
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,400
Yeah, yeah.
That's right, yeah.

69
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,000
Let's hop on the Learjet
and go buy Lamborghinis!

70
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,840
Wahey!
CORKS POPPING

71
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:06,920
Fantastic!
Great!

72
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,120
Yay!

73
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,440
Mr President, we're never gonna
get anything through Congress

74
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,040
if we can't find
a reasonable Republican.

75
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,600
The infrastructure bill
has collapsed,

76
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,440
budget reconciliation
is irreconcilable,

77
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,880
and gun control is shot to hell.

78
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,920
Plus I forgot my Netflix login.

79
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,920
A lot of problems.
You know, I need my booster shot.

80
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,760
It's not a vaccine.

81
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,640
It's a blend of holy water
and chocolate syrup.

82
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,120
Yeah! Bless my soul.

83
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,120
I feel like presidentin' all night.

84
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,360
Yowww!

85
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,160
We'll let you work.
Pull the cord if you need us.

86
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,000
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
Think, Joe.

87
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,080
Where can I find
a reasonable Republican?

88
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,400
THUD

89
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,840
VOICE: Perhaps one was here
all along!

90
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,440
Who are you?
Mayor Cheeseburger.

91
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,120
I was Donald Trump's
favourite secret advisor.

92
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,680
BIDEN SNORTS
Figures he'd like a talking burger.

93
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,120
Hey! I'm also a mayor -
of Burgertown!

94
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,160
A Republican stronghold!

95
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,080
And this is my colleague
from Idaho -

96
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,080
Reverend French Fries.

97
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,080
Praise the Lord
and pass the ketchup!

98
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,040
Hey, you two are diner folk,
just like me.

99
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,480
That's right!
We're all regular Joes,

100
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,760
not Washington Beltway insiders.

101
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,760
We're ready to compromise
on everything... except flavour.

102
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,080
I bet we can work out a deal.
CRUNCH

103
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,200
Ow! Hey, man,
that's my frontal lobe!

104
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,000
My God! We thought
we could work with you,

105
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,760
but you're just
another liberal brain-eater!

106
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,440
No, no, no, wait!

107
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,320
We'll never make a deal.

108
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,680
Wake up!
THUD

109
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,400
Wake up!
ETHEREAL CHIMES

110
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,840
Wake up! Wake up!

111
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,840
HE GASPS
Whoa. What the heck?

112
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,840
So it was all a dream...

113
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,800
But I learned an important lesson -

114
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:57,040
no compromise is possible as long as
we keep eating each other's brains.

115
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,320
Uh, maybe no more booster shots
for you.

116
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:03,520
HE RETCHES,
DRAMATIC STRINGS

117
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,000
Hey, guys. It's Chrissy Teigen.

118
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,280
Ten years ago, I did something bad,
and I need to apologise.

119
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:14,160
I tweeted something very cruel
to a teenager.

120
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,920
I am so sorry.

121
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,640
But that's not who I am now.

122
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,880
You know, I-I've evolved
into a kind, thoughtful...

123
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,080
PHONE CHIMES

124
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,080
Did someone just thumbs-down me?

125
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,080
Who the HELL do you think you are?!

126
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,320
I hope you fall into a river
and go missing for days

127
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,720
and your husband thinks you're dead
and remarries someone

128
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,400
RIGHT on your empty grave!

129
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,840
And here's what happened
to your skull!

130
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,280
ANGRY SCREAM,
CLATTERING

131
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,920
PIGS SNORTING
Breaks my heart,

132
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,640
but we're gonna have to
cull these pigs.

133
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,400
We've got no choice.

134
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,000
With no truck drivers
to take 'em to t'market,

135
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,440
we have to destroy them.

136
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,720
HE GRUNTS,
PANTS

137
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,360
I'll take your damn pigs to market!

138
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,400
Tom Cruise? But why?

139
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,560
Because I once had a farm
with a little pig called Babe.

140
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,680
He was so special -
he wanted to herd sheep,

141
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,440
but I didn't believe in him.

142
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:02,840
I let him down.

143
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:06,600
And if I deliver your pigs,
I can make amends!

144
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,680
Wasn't that the movie Babe?
And you wasn't even in that.

145
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,360
Damn it. I need redemption!!

146
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,320
OK, OK. The truck's over there.

147
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,560
Listen to me.
I lied to those farmers.

148
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,800
I'm going to set you free.

149
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,080
They won't make you
into honey-roast ham,

150
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,000
or... pork sausages
with pepper and nutmeg...

151
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,640
or a delicious bacon sandwich
with vine-ripe tomatoes

152
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,040
and aioli mayonnaise.
TRUCK BEEPS AS PASSING

153
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,760
SIZZLING
Mm! Boy, this pig is delicious!

154
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,560
Wait - I didn't get my redemption!

155
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,920
ANGUISHED: I'm sorry, Babe!

156
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,280
Hey, guys. Chrissy again.

157
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,720
I have to apologise
for my previous apology.

158
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,720
Uh, I told @cutie-kitty92
that she should fall in a river.

159
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,040
I am so sorry.

160
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,040
And I apologise to all the fans
of my cookware line

161
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,840
that was pulled
from Macy's and Target

162
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,120
because of my previous apology.

163
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,880
It's such a bummer,
cos these pans are lightweight,

164
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,200
durable, non-stick...
PHONE CHIMES

165
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,280
Oh! My pan sticks,
says @angeleyes.215?

166
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:13,240
You know what this pan
would do to your skull?!

167
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,320
ANGRY GRUNTS,
THWACKING

168
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,400
Huh. Right.

169
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,680
I've done knitting -
2 million views,

170
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,040
I've done cupcakes -
5 million views,

171
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,320
and I've pimped my shopping trolley
- 10 million views!

172
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,000
But what next for my YouTube
channel, Inside Tom Daley?

173
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,440
Lance? Lance! I need some help here!

174
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,320
You never wanna make content
with me.

175
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,360
I'm busy with this screenplay
about the life

176
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,040
of a gay World War Two bomber pilot
who obliterated Dresden

177
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,640
and went on to invent
the Post-it note!

178
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,040
Well, that's really inspiring,
but it's not content!

179
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,360
What? We made content the other day!

180
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,640
That doesn't count.
Your mind wasn't on it.

181
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,640
We used to make content
five times a day!

182
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,760
Tom, content isn't everything.

183
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,920
I want our relationship
to be more than that.

184
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,520
The last time we made content,
it was last thing on a Sunday night,

185
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,000
it only lasted five minutes, and
you struggled to get it uploaded.

186
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,000
Is that all I am to you?
A content provider?

187
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,840
Course not.
I love all the... typing you do.

188
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,120
I'm always polishing your Oscar.

189
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,160
I just think content's more exciting
when it's spontaneous.

190
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,320
We could make content now!
That would be spontaneous!

191
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,360
I can't be spontaneous
just like that!

192
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,080
Ugh. Well, if you're not gonna
make content with me,

193
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,440
maybe I need to find someone
who will.

194
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:24,800
Don't be like that, honey.

195
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,920
I promise, I'll make content
with you later.

196
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,240
Thanks.

197
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,840
Fancy a shag?
Yeah! Let's spice it up.

198
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,640
I'll put a shirt ON.

199
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,520
And I'll wear that sexy little
number you got me for my birthday.

200
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:39,760
Mm!
TOM GIGGLES GLEEFULLY

201
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,800
You guys. Wow.

202
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,520
I am so filled with shame
for my behaviour

203
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,160
that I wanna crawl into a hole.

204
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,480
People are saying
I'm just trolling them,

205
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,360
but I swear,
I'm a deeply flawed human,

206
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,680
but I'm not a troll.

207
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,440
PHONE CHIMES
What?

208
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,720
I do not have troll ears.

209
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,000
They've been surgically trimmed
to help hold back my hair.

210
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,360
Mm!

211
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,680
Hello, Chrissy.
It's me, Mark Zuckerberg.

212
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:11,080
Oh! Let me guess -
you're banning me for hate speech!

213
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,720
No. We at Facebook-Instagram

214
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,640
neither condemn nor condone
anything.

215
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,680
However, you've exceeded
your apology count.

216
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:23,560
OK, I admit - I'm a troll.
I was always a troll.

217
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,840
I live under a bridge,
and I eat goats,

218
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,560
and the only thing I'm sorry for

219
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,640
is that I didn't start eating goats
sooner!

220
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,720
More goats! BRING ME GOATS!

221
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,720
FEROCIOUS SNARFING

222
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:41,000
UPBEAT MUSIC

223
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,040
What the fuck is going on here,
son?

224
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,840
I'm just deciding
my favourite type of rice.

225
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,320
HE VOCALISES

226
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,640
I've got it down to pilau,
long-grain and white.

227
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,760
Do what? I've got the record company
all right up my April.

228
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,520
Show me what you been working on!

229
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,600
It's my masterpiece, Dad.
Great.

230
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,520
Will it have some white-boy rapping
on it?

231
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,080
It's a C-111 form!

232
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,120
It allows planning permission
for a one-storey,

233
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,720
non-residential development
on a Grade II-listed building.

234
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,760
That's not gonna get played
at weddings!

235
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,000
No, but it will stop my neighbour
Tony from blocking my new gazebo.

236
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,560
HE VOCALISES
I'm turning my little village estate

237
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,000
into a gazebo heaven!

238
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,840
You're supposed to be a pop star!
You've lost focus.

239
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,200
No, I'm totally focused.

240
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,880
Look! I've also found
this 17th-century covenant

241
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,720
which will stop my
other neighbour - Mary -

242
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,720
from extending her garden
into my patio!

243
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,720
You're mentally
and musically unstable.

244
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,440
I'm gonna have to Britney Spears you

245
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,800
and get one of
them "conservatorships".

246
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,920
Is that like a conservatory?
I could put my pot plants in it.

247
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,760
No, son! It's where I take charge
of your affairs.

248
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,160
No more late nights
on the planning department website.

249
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,400
No more sneaking out
to measure boundaries.

250
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,600
At least you're still smoking pot,
though.

251
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,680
No, I quit. I just like the plants.

252
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:55,000
God damn it!
What kind of pop star are you?

253
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,440
Don't you understand, Dad?
No, I don't!

254
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,360
I don't really want approval
from the planning department.

255
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,400
I want it... from you.

256
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,240
And the planning department.
What?

257
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,320
Ever since I saw you put up a prefab
garden shed without instructions,

258
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,080
even though
there were two screws missing,

259
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,720
I've just wanted to be you.

260
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,200
Well, that's very nice of you
to say, son.

261
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,800
But you've got two screws missing,

262
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,120
and I'm still taking charge
of your bank accounts!

263
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,680
I feel gutted.

264
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,640
I feel used. I feel let down.

265
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,120
Great lyrics!

266
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,440
Put some Irish fiddle on it
and whack it on Spotify.

267
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,400
Hello, is that Britney's dad?

268
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,520
It only bloody worked!
HE LAUGHS

269
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,920
# I feel gutted

270
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,280
# I feel used

271
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,640
# I feel let down and abused

272
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:46,280
# Where's my gazebo

273
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,640
# Of love? #

274
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,600
The Pandora papers have revealed

275
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,440
that your biggest Tory donors
may be mired in corruption.

276
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:59,240
Do you plan to continue
taking dirty cash from dodgy donors?

277
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,680
Absolutely not.

278
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,760
All our donors
are stringently scrutinised

279
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:06,160
by an ethics and integrity panel
that is beyond reproach.

280
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,320
MONKEYS SCREECHING

281
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,840
BEEPING REPEATEDLY,
MONKEYS SCREECHING

282
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,840
And this committee doesn't
just rubber-stamp everything?

283
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,320
Sometimes,
they're very hard to convince.

284
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,920
EXCITED SCREECHING

285
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,840
BEEPING REPEATEDLY

286
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,120
I rest my case. Next question.

287
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:40,160
Cristiano, after the final whistle,
you stormed down the tunnel,

288
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,920
pouting, and shaking your head
like a little baby.

289
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,000
Are you sulking because
you started on the bench? No.

290
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,080
Ronaldo is not sulking

291
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,560
about stupid manager not starting
best player in the world.

292
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,920
So you're not upset?

293
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,000
No. I am mature grown-up.

294
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,560
Now I take ball home
and TELL MY MUM ON YOU!

295
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:56,880
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

296
00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,520
ACAPELLA STING

297
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,760
Greta.
Malala.

298
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,480
"Mother Earth"?
Isn't that a bit Earth supremacist?

299
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,880
Yeah, I'm from the Mars Society,

300
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,120
and this kind of micro-aggression
isn't helping my anxiety issues.

301
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,720
HE INHALES WHEEZILY

302
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,600
You're so lucky
you only signed up five people.

303
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,280
Trying to keep track of all my
members is going to be a nightmare.

304
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,040
The point is to get my message out.

305
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,440
That might be easier

306
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,840
if you hadn't put
an extra apostrophe in "students".

307
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,200
I didn't have you down
as a grammar Nazi.

308
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,280
Did you hear that, everyone?
Greta just called me a Nazi.

309
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,880
EXCLAMATIONS
No! I didn't!

310
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,760
She called me, Malala,

311
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,720
the girl who was shot
by the Taliban, a Nazi!

312
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,200
That is not true!

313
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,000
A-And do you know who is in my club?

314
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,400
Harry Styles!
Pfft!

315
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,680
I don't believe you.
You're not cool enough.

316
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,040
Not like me and Fintan.

317
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,840
It IS true!
I don't care how cool Fintan is.

318
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,040
HE INHALES

319
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,400
HE BELCHES

320
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,120
BORIS BABBLING
Boris, dear...

321
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,880
you know what this flat needs?

322
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:18,280
Wallpaper. Very expensive wallpaper.

323
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:23,200
But, Carrie, my darling,
I am somewhat strapped for cash.

324
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,120
THUNDERCLAP

325
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,640
Chunky goblin,
do not dare to question my will.

326
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,080
You will do my bidding,

327
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,960
for I am Terror
and you are my plaything.

328
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,120
Yes, dear.
Say the words.

329
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,880
Say them!

330
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:43,440
By the power of sexual intercourse
with someone 20 years my junior,

331
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,360
I will do thy bidding!

332
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,840
Good boy.

333
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,360
Go get the wallpaper.
Yes, dear.

334
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,640
BABY CRIES,
THUNDERCLAP

335
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,280
No more breast-feeding!

336
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,720
It stretches the boobs.

337
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,960
Honestly,
it's such a mind-blowing honour

338
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,640
to be the youngest artist
to ever headline Glastonbury.

339
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,760
Why am I not picked
to play at festival?

340
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,920
Ronaldo should be
first name on list!

341
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,880
I am taking guitar 'ome!
Goodbye, assholes!

342
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,080
There. I've tightened up
the loose nut on your stand.

343
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,160
Health and safety
could have done you for that.

344
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,480
Thought that was all gonna change
when we left the EU,

345
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,600
but there we are.
Oh, Lee, I lied to Malala

346
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,760
and said Harry Styles
has joined my club.

347
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,840
That's what she does to you!
Now I'm going to look like a fool.

348
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,440
Oh, this looks cool!
Harry!

349
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,160
You find it interesting?

350
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,840
Abso-fabulously!

351
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,520
Do you want to be part of it?
Tota-rotally.

352
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,560
Malala, come and see!
Harry Styles is in my club.

353
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:45,640
Really?

354
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:49,640
No, I was talking about
these fab tools. They're so manly.

355
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,480
I'd love to be part of THIS.
Oh, Greta...

356
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,120
Come on, Harry.
Let's go to my party.

357
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,200
Actually, I'd rather go to the pub
with Lee and talk about tools.

358
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,400
What?!

359
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,120
Come on, Lee. I'm buying.
Bring your wrenchy thing.

360
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,400
Righto, mate.

361
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,560
But we've got drugs!
Fintan's bringing Ventolin!

362
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:13,240
Why I am not picked for
James Bond movie? I am perfect man.

363
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,560
Good fitness. I always win!

364
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:19,160
Now, Ronaldo, don't you think
you're behaving a little childishly?

365
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,120
You are right, Daniel Craig.
You see into my 'eart.

366
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,000
I have been acting
like foolish baby. No more.

367
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,280
Good lad.

368
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:29,000
Argh! My arm! Referee!

369
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,560
Oh, Ronaldo.
This is... no time to dive.

370
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,760
Come on, Ref. You gonna let him
get away with that?!

371
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:42,480
Pretty soon, there's bound to be
an opening on the Supreme Court.

372
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,440
And I gotta move it left. WAY left.

373
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,000
They'll go so left, it'll be
tucked between my butt-cheeks.

374
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,000
I'll explain that to you later, sir.

375
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,280
Great, man.

376
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,640
I want a legal scholar
the kids'll like.

377
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,240
Someone with pizzazz, razzmatazz.

378
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,360
If you're looking to upgrade
the court's class and sass,

379
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,760
there's only one way
to find the perfect nominee.

380
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,880
# RuPaul's Judge Race
Start your engines

381
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,720
# RuPaul's Judge Race. #

382
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,240
Our first contestant comes to us

383
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,600
from the Third Circuit
Court of Appeals.

384
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,200
Will her ensemble be appealing,
or will it get her disbarred?

385
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,120
I'm serving you Babylonian style,

386
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,520
from the original lawmaker,
King Hammurabi.

387
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,160
Eye for an eye,
tooth for a tooth, bitch.

388
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,440
And do NOT touch
my beard extensions.

389
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:30,960
Old-school justice!

390
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,400
Republicans'll love her.
But she's a no-sale to Dems.

391
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,160
Are those papyrus scrolls real?
Because that would freak me out.

392
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,280
Our next lawyer is known
for her legendary oral...

393
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,800
arguments!

394
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,520
I'll explain that one later.

395
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,680
I got that one.
I've been on trains.

396
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:51,720
I'm dishing Good Shepherd
of the Constitution.

397
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,960
You expect a nomination for that?

398
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,520
Don't count your sheep,
Little Ho Peep.

399
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,000
CACKLES

400
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,120
But also, she's an expert
on the Commerce Clause.

401
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,520
Next up, a real twist.

402
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:09,080
She tips the scales of justice
with fierce, fishy realness.

403
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,600
Come through, bio queen.

404
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,640
Ooh, honey,
they say justice is blind.

405
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,960
And your outfit proves it.

406
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,640
You shouldn't rush to judgement,

407
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,280
because I'm no believer
in judicial restraint.

408
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,480
It's a Ru-veal!
CHUCKLES

409
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:24,920
I'm gagging for it.

410
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,600
I think this queen
may reign supreme.

411
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,720
SHE CACKLES

412
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,760
Help! Secret Service!
A dog's got me!

413
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,680
BIDEN YELPING

414
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,520
GUNSHOTS

415
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,040
My motion was denied.
I was tricked.

416
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,600
Overruled.

417
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,000
I will not stand
for contempt of court.

418
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,880
You're dis-mizzed.

419
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,240
I swore I wasn't going to cry,
but... I'll allow it.

420
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,760
HE SOBS

421
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,080
It's time
for our final contestants...

422
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,640
..to lip-sync for your life...

423
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,720
time appointment
to the Supreme Court.

424
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:10,600
Cue Samuel Alito's opinion
in the case of Collins v Yelland.

425
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,600
# Because the Federal Housing
Finance Agency, FHFA

426
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,080
# Did not exceed its authority

427
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,160
# Under the Housing
And Economic Recovery Act of 2008

428
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,560
# As a conservator
Of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

429
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:23,960
# The anti-injunction... #

430
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,680
Hang on, stop the opinion.
I know who our nominee should be.

431
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,000
He, she, they...

432
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,440
YOU have been here all along.

433
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:33,640
Me?

434
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,320
You've had to make the hardest and
most important decisions for years.

435
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,400
Which fella looks like a dame?

436
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:44,360
I sentence us all
to a life of eleganza.

437
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,600
# RuPaul's Judge Race

438
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:52,080
# May the best justice
Best justice win! #

439
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,240
It was exciting in places,

440
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,760
and you could sense the audience
responding to that,

441
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,680
but if I'm honest, it was overlong,
complicated and very hard to follow.

442
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,240
INTERVIEWER:
So you didn't like the Bond film?

443
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,920
What? No, I was talking
about my speech

444
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,360
at the Labour Party conference.

445
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,440
As for the film,

446
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,080
I felt a lot of the issues really
spoke to our national character -

447
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,920
patriotic
and yet outward-looking,

448
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,560
not afraid to ask difficult...

449
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,000
Oh, why don't you fuck off?

450
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,520
The traffic light system
for travel in Europe is over.

451
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:22,320
Britons are free once more
to explore France, Spain and Crete,

452
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,720
where I saved Afghanistan
and went snorkelling.

453
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,960
Deputy Prime Minister,

454
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,680
the leaders of Greece,
Spain and France to see you.

455
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,280
Ah, Mr Raab, uh, we beg you.

456
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,640
Put us back on
your red travel list.

457
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,520
Really? But why?

458
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,560
ALL: # Mr Raab, we beg you
Put us back on your red travel list

459
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:45,800
# And stop the British tourists
Coming over who are always pissed

460
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,880
# To vomit in our fountains
After eating egg and chips for tea

461
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,640
# Shag on beaches unprotected
Spreading all their STDs

462
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,440
# They point at menu
Wave their arms

463
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,120
# And say our food
Gives them the shits

464
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,400
# That is why we beg you

465
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,520
# Put us back
On your red travel list

466
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,360
# They urinate in streets and alleys
Making all our cities smell

467
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:06,640
# Wearing T-shirts printed
With a penis saying, "Fucking hell"

468
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,040
# We've had enough
Of British drunkards

469
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:11,520
# Falling off our balconies

470
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,600
# Of getting into nasty fights
And clogging up our A&Es

471
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,880
# The hen-night women
Roam the streets in scary packs

472
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:17,960
# And flash their tits

473
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:21,160
# Mr Raab, we beg you, put us back
On your red travel list

474
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,800
# I hear you all, I hear you moan
But here's the harsh reality

475
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,040
# You need the British tourists
To prop up your flat economies

476
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,760
# So here's your choices

477
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,200
# Drunken yobs or unemployment
Get my gist?

478
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:37,120
# Sadly, we agree that we must
Stay off your red travel list. #

479
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:38,600
Oi, oi!

480
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,400
ALL EXCLAIMING

481
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,120
Oh, this is a lovely place to fish.

482
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:48,480
The Somerset Levels to our right,
the Glastonbury Tor to our left.

483
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,960
Oh...

484
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,640
Ooh! 'Ey up, Susie -
I've got a bite!

485
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,440
Oh, thank God! You saved me!

486
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,680
Argh! A talking fish! Throw it back!

487
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,080
No, please!
The river's full of drugs

488
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,720
from all them Glastonbury ravers
pissing in it.

489
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,560
I'm off me fucking nut on MDMA.

490
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,800
Fry me, eat me -
just don't throw me back!

491
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,200
Oh, my God. Now I've got one.

492
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,720
SHE STRAINS

493
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,880
GOVE HUMMING TECHNO BEAT

494
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,240
Throw me back!

495
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,280
The party's just getting started!
HE BEATBOXES

496
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,040
Hook me, hook me!

497
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,240
Well, we've got to eat one of them,
and...

498
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,040
I'm allergic to fish.

499
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,120
BEATBOXING

500
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:37,200
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

501
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:42,040
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

502
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,960
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

503
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,200
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

504
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,320
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

505
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,640
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