1 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,840 Oh, my God! Tyson, did someone knock you out in training? 2 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,080 Nah. 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,520 I fell asleep watching the Anthony Joshua fight. 4 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:12,520 Right, back to sleep. 5 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,280 # Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:20,640 # Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah 7 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,320 # Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh 8 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:26,160 # Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah 9 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,640 # Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! # 10 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,640 SIREN WAILS 11 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,480 Jess Phillips, I need your help. 12 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,920 I'm supposed to be the star of the Labour Party Conference, 13 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,520 but Angela Rayner's been getting all the attention. 14 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,000 Cos she shows some bloody passion, Keir. 15 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,320 But she used the "S" word, the one that rhymes with... 16 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,400 bum. 17 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,600 She got excited, and it worked. 18 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,080 Excited, eh? And how does that come about? 19 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,800 You like football, right? How do you feel when Arsenal score? 20 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,120 Content, on occasion. 21 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:03,520 Within certain parameters. 22 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,160 Oh, Diane Abbott's tits, bab! 23 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,640 You must have SOME emotion. 24 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,560 What did you do on your wedding night? 25 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,040 It was quite something. 26 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,960 We wrote our thank you letters all night. 27 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:17,360 Oh, I'm sick of you. You bloody robot! 28 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,640 SHE GRUNTS, CLANG 29 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,040 Don't you whack me, you Brummie tart! 30 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,640 That's it, bab! There's your passion. 31 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,840 And so, by convening the National Policy Forum 32 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,920 to report to the National Executive Committee... 33 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,360 SHE GRUNTS, CLANG 34 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,600 Eat the rich! 35 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 36 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,480 The Conference Arrangements Committee, 37 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,680 together with the organisational sub-committee... 38 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,000 SHE GRUNTS Fuck the Tories! 39 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 40 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,200 Being a celebrity isn't all fancy hotels, 41 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,840 private jets and crashing Friends reunions. 42 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,840 Sometimes it's just about being me. 43 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:08,440 WOMAN: 'Twat, by James Corden.' 44 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,680 BIG BEN CHIMES 45 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,160 I now convene this Select Committee 46 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,720 to investigate the causes of the petrol panic. 47 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:20,440 First to give evidence, Barry and Susie from Maidenhead. 48 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,720 Um, why are we here? 49 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,920 Because you, along with the rest of the idiot public, 50 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,880 panicked about petrol and now there's queues everywhere. 51 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,280 Explain yourself, Susie from Maidenhead. 52 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,240 Everyone else was doing it. I got worried. 53 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,200 I mean, I might have to go somewhere next week! 54 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,960 Where? Where might you go? 55 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960 I don't know. Just out for a pootle. 56 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,680 On weekends, we might have a pub lunch. 57 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,680 Don't distract the Prime Minister with talk of pub lunches! 58 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,880 Ooh, would there be sausages? 59 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,320 And mash, with onion gravy! Phwoar! 60 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,360 The point is, your behaviour has created a crisis 61 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:52,600 where there was none. 62 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,000 Where was your needle when you pulled into the station? 63 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,680 About three-quarter full. There, we have the admission. 64 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,240 Better to be safe than sorry. I mean, what if something happened? 65 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,520 What? What might "happen"? 66 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,240 I don't know, a petrol panic? 67 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,720 One final question. 68 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,160 Where did you purchase this petrol? 69 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,680 The place just round the corner. 70 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,400 FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES 71 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:14,960 I think we can go now. 72 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,560 Pub lunch? 73 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,160 SLURPING 74 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,120 I'm going mad, Rashy. 75 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,160 I can't score a goal. I keep missing. 76 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,040 That's just football, you'll come good. 77 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,240 It's not just football, though. I'm missing everything. 78 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,920 I even missed the bus yesterday. 79 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,520 Damn it! That was an absolute sitter. 80 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,240 I'm starting to see what you mean. 81 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,240 Do you mind if I use your toilet? No. 82 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,280 But I should warn you, I missed. 83 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,120 Harry, the important thing is you're in touch with your feelings. 84 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:46,280 It's out in the open now. 85 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,280 What a positive development for your mental health. 86 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,680 Oh, shut it, gaffer! 87 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,240 HARRY GRUNTS, GARETH GROANS 88 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,840 You did it! You didn't miss! 89 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,160 Ooh... 90 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,520 CROWD CHEER 91 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:06,560 Meghan, this new Netflix show I'm producing for you is gonna be huge. 92 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:10,160 Tell Elton all about it. It's about a beautiful young swan, 93 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,600 but no-one treats her like the beautiful swan she is. 94 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:16,520 Until season two, when everyone apologises to her. 95 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,360 So brilliant and inspiring. 96 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,600 And we thought you could write the theme song. 97 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,280 Mm. Ha-ha. I can hear it already! 98 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,680 Some Cs, some Gs, an F. 99 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,080 Why not?! Make it spicy. 100 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,760 ELTON CHUCKLES 101 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,280 And luckily, one of our neighbours in Santa Barbara 102 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,000 is a pretty famous lyricist. 103 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,080 Bernie Taupin! 104 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,280 Tiny wanker! The bitch is back. 105 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:42,640 We wrote dozens of hit songs over 30 years, 106 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,080 till it turned out multi-platinum Bernie Taupin 107 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,160 wasn't good enough for The Lion King. 108 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,760 Oh, not that again! 109 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,320 Oh! Hakuna my tata! 110 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:52,880 There's the old chemistry. 111 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,640 Anyway, the new show's theme song should be about a tragic princess. 112 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,320 I thought it was about a swan. 113 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,920 Well, what is a swan if not a floating princess? 114 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,440 You know what? I love it. 115 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,040 Which means I hate it. I'm out! 116 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,680 Good! Who needs you? 117 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,520 Go write a song about yellow bricks and crocodile rocks! 118 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,520 You just write songs with Ks in them! 119 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,000 What's the deal with K? Are you paid by the K? 120 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,360 I'd like to see you write lyrics, Captain Fat-tastic. 121 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,880 Watch me, I'll write the whole song with no Ks in it at all. 122 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,880 Actually, the swan's name is Sweghan Swarkle. 123 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,560 That's a good name. Damn! 124 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,520 STRIKES CHORD, HE SCREAMS 125 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:31,680 PHONE PINGS 126 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,880 Greetings, fellow TikTok-ers! 127 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,960 And especially the people of Afghanistan. 128 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:43,240 We created TikTok in China, but it's for you. 129 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,960 The Western nations have given up on Afghanistan. 130 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,480 But don't worry, 131 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:53,800 China is ready to step in and help, and we expect nothing in return. 132 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,320 Sir, good news. 133 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,080 There are billions of dollars' worth of reconstruction contracts 134 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,000 available from Kabul. Not now, Qian! 135 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,840 I'm busy showing everyone a fun new dance called the Kabul Kick. 136 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,840 Qian, drop the beat! 137 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:07,960 HIP-HOP BEAT 138 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,600 # Put your hands in the air And represent 139 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,120 # If you like the new Afghani government 140 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,920 # Islamic fundamentalists Are mighty fine 141 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,480 # Especially when they own so many Copper mines 142 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,360 # Get in a line and do the tiny 143 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,200 # If you are cool with a patriarchy 144 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,160 # To make Muslim friends We're eager 145 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,120 # Just ask our homies, the Uighurs 146 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,560 # Your natural resources Are all we want 147 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,320 # Democracy is for silly BLEEP 148 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,800 # So nod your heads Because it's gonna be gravy 149 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,480 # And stay out of our seas The US Navy. # 150 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,600 I hope you liked your new dance, Afghanistan! 151 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,440 Actually, sir, the Taliban just banned TikTok. 152 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,280 That will change. PHONE BLEEPS 153 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,040 BIG BEN CHIMES 154 00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:01,720 I've called this meeting because we are facing a national crisis. 155 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,880 My KFC order hasn't arrived. 156 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,640 Oh, no! Dear God! 157 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,160 Due to our precarious petrol predicament, 158 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,600 Britain has literally run out of chickens. 159 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,680 Could this have something to do with Brexit? 160 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,680 Can't be. Absolutely not. No! 161 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,920 This could be trouble. England runs on chicken. 162 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,960 I'll put the Army on standby. 163 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,760 I'll cancel my city break. 164 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:23,840 No! 165 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,200 Much as our nation has defeated so many enemies in the past, 166 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,960 we shall defeat this enemy of no chicken. 167 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:34,720 The proud people of Britain will not give in to panic. 168 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,240 CROWD SHOUT 169 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,120 SIRENS BLARE, EXPLOSION 170 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,240 MAN: What do we want? CROWD: Chicken thighs! 171 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,320 When do we want them? Now! 172 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,760 Those people are hungry. 173 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,120 If we don't do something, it'll be us on the menu. 174 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,480 They've got garlic mayonnaise! 175 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,480 I'm too young to be seasoned! 176 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,280 Did somebody order a special relationship? 177 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:55,000 FANFARE 178 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,200 CLUCKING 179 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,200 Hi, y'all. Sorry we're late. 180 00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,240 IT SQUAWKS 181 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,720 Mr President, you've come to our aid 182 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,800 just when we thought everything was clucked. 183 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,600 You can use this fella to start a breeding programme, 184 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:10,000 and in five years, man, you'll be self-sufficient in... 185 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,640 CHICKEN SQUEALS 186 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:12,800 BORIS BELCHES, GASPING 187 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,080 Tasty, but could do with some hot sauce. 188 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,080 Ah! 189 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,040 You have to admit, Deliveroo are bloody quick. 190 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,360 Ma-ha. It's been more challenging than I thought. 191 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,760 But I flew here from Venice the moment I wrote the first line. 192 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,480 HE SINGS TO MELODY OF ROCKET MAN: 193 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:35,640 # Sweghan Swarkle You'll go far-kle! # 194 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:41,120 It's great, but farkle's not really a word. 195 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,560 Ha! Well, there's no words that rhyme with Swarkle, 196 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,760 that's not my fault. Sparkle? 197 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,240 Shut up, David! DAVID QUAILS 198 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,360 The truth is, I'm terrible at lyrics! 199 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,080 You should have heard my songs before Bernie came along. 200 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,840 Rocket Man was Pocket Fan. 201 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,160 Erm, what's a pocket fan? I don't know! 202 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,720 It fit with the melody. HE CHUCKLES 203 00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,720 Maybe you should just go apologise to Bernie. 204 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,200 I'm sure he'd have you back. 205 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,880 That's how I feel about my enemy, Kristen Stewart. 206 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,160 If she would just apologise for being so irritatingly aloof 207 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,520 about her own fame. 208 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,120 It's like she has the fame, but she doesn't want the fame. 209 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,040 MEGHAN GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION 210 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,120 I could never apologise to Bernie. 211 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,720 It'd be so humiliating. 212 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,320 I'm sorry, we're sunk. I'll write the lyrics! 213 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,760 Oh, that's so sweet... But words aren't your thing either. 214 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,040 Oi! 215 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,000 I 'ad done biz went to Eton, I does. 216 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,120 Besides, lyrics ain't about words. It's poetry about love. 217 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,680 All you need is love. 218 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,600 Love, love is all you need. 219 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,200 That's a great lyric, right there! 220 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,400 Yes (!) The Beatles wrote it! 221 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,160 Maybe we'll just make it instrumental. 222 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,520 No, I'm gonna do it. 223 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,720 I'll show all of you. 224 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,120 I just need a dictionary, a fethaurus 225 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,440 and a book what with all the words in it. 226 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,240 A dictionary? I actually produce one. 227 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,560 DAVID WAILS 228 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:56,800 SHE SIGHS 229 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,320 Were you busy today, dear? 230 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,200 I'm Sajid Javid, the Health Secretary for all of England 231 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,640 during a major health crisis. So, no. 232 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,560 Well, we have a problem. The dishwasher is broken. 233 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,800 We're just going to have to learn to live with it. 234 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,120 We can't keep the kitchen on hold. I need my tea. 235 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,520 But it's flooded the floor. 236 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,120 We can't cower to the dishwasher, Laura! 237 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,120 Dad, I fell over in the shed and some of it got stuck on me. 238 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,040 LAURA WHIMPERS Let's look at the bigger picture. 239 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,440 Statistics show 240 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,880 that young people are in a relatively safe demographic. 241 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,720 No visit to the shed comes with zero risk. 242 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,240 So I should learn to live with it? Good boy! 243 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,680 SHE SCREAMS And now look! 244 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,080 LION ROARS 245 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,360 SHE SCREAMS, LION ROARS 246 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,400 Well, it's a new challenge, that's for sure, 247 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,680 but if we all pull together, we can learn to live with it. 248 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,040 I think it's going to eat you. 249 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,080 Which means we'll get to herd immunity quicker. 250 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,560 THEY SCREAM 251 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,960 Daddy! 252 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,480 No-o-o-o! 253 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,280 Oh, it's in my eye! Argh! 254 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,600 Do you know that your dishwasher's broken? 255 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:51,960 LION BELCHES 256 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,200 ROCK MUSIC 257 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,840 'The most watched forensic analysis team in the world...' 258 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,800 EXPLOSION '..is back for another season.' 259 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,200 MICAH LAUGHS 260 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,160 Deceased male, probable murder. 261 00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,080 To be fair, he's had an absolute shocker. 262 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,720 Micah, have you found anything? 263 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,720 There's something dead funny, Alex. Look. 264 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,320 I can make my hand go big! 265 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,200 HE LAUGHS 266 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,640 So, Alex, what do you think went wrong tonight? 267 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,240 Well, for me, it's a bit of a mess, to be honest, Gary. 268 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,640 The victim's a ruthless billionaire football club owner 269 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,120 who's bled the place dry running up massive debts, 270 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,600 to the detriment of the team. 271 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,440 With absolutely no regard for the fans, 272 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,360 the club's history or the good of the game? 273 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,520 What a twat. Right, viewers? 274 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,760 As you can see, he's had his mouth stuffed with chips, 275 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,520 and then he's been drowned in gravy. 276 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,800 So that tells me we've got to be looking for an angry Man United fan. 277 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,880 So we're looking for a prawn sandwich-eater 278 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,280 who comes from Surrey, 279 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,800 can't name any United players since David Beckham 280 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,920 and has never set foot inside Old Trafford. 281 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,280 Sorry, but for me, that doesn't make any sense, Gary. 282 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:53,400 It was a joke, Alex. 283 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,400 Oh. I'm the king of friendly banter. 284 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,000 Because of how likeable I am. Right, viewers? 285 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,760 If only we could bring dead man back to life. 286 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,240 Then he could tell us who killed him. 287 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,640 HE LAUGHS 288 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,280 Life doesn't work like that, Micah. 289 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,520 Aw, I'm sad now. 290 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,760 HE LAUGHS 291 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,240 We need to establish how long the victim's been dead. 292 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,720 I reckon less than five minutes. 293 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,680 These chips are still warm. 294 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,680 Are you eating chips from a dead man's mouth? 295 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,440 Only way to be sure. 296 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:19,840 Well, we're out of time. 297 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:23,320 As usual, we basically contributed nothing. 298 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,160 See you all at next week's murder. Good night. 299 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,760 'The evidence suggests that llama antibodies could cure COVID. 300 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,720 'These woolly wonders are not only lovely, they may also save mankind.' 301 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:41,040 Fucking llamas. They think they're special cos they got two Ls. 302 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,080 Huh. You know what else got two Ls? 303 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,480 My balls! 304 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,360 They're saving people, Mel, come on! 305 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,120 We could save people. 306 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,560 We're medical miracles. It's true. 307 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,960 We live longer than any other rodent. 308 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,280 We're resistant to cancer. 309 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,760 We won Vertebrate of the Year in 2013. 310 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,920 Oh! I won it this year. 311 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,560 I win everything, you know. SHE SNORTS 312 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,760 Ah, screw this! 313 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,400 I'm offering myself to science in the service of humanity. 314 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,320 Well, be back in time for lunch. 315 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,360 It's your own faeces! 316 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,560 I did it, I wrote the lyrics. In your face, Furnish. 317 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,000 I was always on your side. 318 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,800 Ha ha! Right, let's have a sing. 319 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,120 # Oh, help, it's me, Bernie 320 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,760 # Harry lured me over With the promise of Chablis 321 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,160 # Then he locked the door Until I wrote this song... # 322 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,880 What the hell is this?! 323 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,440 You locked up Bernie Taupin? 324 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,640 In our wine cellar. Look, I had no choice! 325 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,360 You all said I couldn't do it, and then it turned out I couldn't do it. 326 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,920 I thought, if Bernie's locked up for a day, who's gonna miss him? 327 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,520 I'd miss him. 328 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,600 I'm busting him out. David, hand me my axe! 329 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,880 Ooh, and my big glasses. 330 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,080 I want to make an entrance. Ma-ha! 331 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:54,920 ELTON CHUCKLES 332 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,880 Bernie and I just want to say thank you. 333 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,320 You made us realise how much we've missed collaborating. 334 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,640 And how addicted to Chablis I am. 335 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,920 So you wrote the song about the inspiring young woman? 336 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,400 Well, we wrote a song about AN inspiring woman. 337 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,640 It's the title track for the upcoming biopic of Angela Merkel. 338 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,880 Got a great K sound, and it stars... 339 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,000 Don't say it. 340 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,360 BOTH: Kristen Stewart! 341 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:20,760 Oh! 342 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:28,840 # Angela Merkel come full circle 343 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:33,520 # Hamburg girl in East Berlin 344 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,920 # Christian Democratic leader... # 345 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,120 'The Oscar for best song goes to... 346 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:47,360 'Elton John and Bernie Taupin for Young Merkel!' 347 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,080 # Hold me closer Tiny Chancellor... # 348 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,280 My God, Mel, what happened? 349 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,520 Those scientists, they sucked me dry! Your blood? 350 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:01,720 My sperm! 351 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:05,080 Those bastards jerked me off till my balls imploded. 352 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,760 Oh, Mel! I ain't gonna be able to have sex again... 353 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,280 NO! 354 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,040 ..for five seconds. 355 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,840 Four, three, two, one. 356 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,240 Here I come! 357 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,560 Woo-hoo! 358 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,840 Ah! Oh! 359 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,120 Take that, science. Nature always finds a way. 360 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,560 BOTH LAUGHING 361 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,320 GROANING 362 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,400 There, there. I'm Jameela Jamil. 363 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,120 It's gonna be OK. I'm a feminist. 364 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,640 But you're an actress. 365 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,480 What are you doing in a trauma centre? 366 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,600 Being mislabelled by you. 367 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:45,440 I'm an actress-host- multi-hyphenate-founder of I Weigh. 368 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:46,800 I've come to work here 369 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:50,240 because I myself have endured so much trauma. 370 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,960 I was trapped in a landslide. 371 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,480 I had to eat my own legs to escape. 372 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,120 The same thing happened to me, metaphorically. 373 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,080 I was forced to come out as queer 374 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,160 to stop people from tweeting mean things, 375 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,800 and that was like eating my own heterosexuality. 376 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,160 But th-that's not really the same thing. I... 377 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,800 Saying that is misogyny. 378 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,400 Let's see how YOU like body shaming! SHE GRUNTS 379 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,560 MACHINE BEEPING RAPIDLY Wait, how was I... Argh... 380 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,000 HE EXHALES WHEEZILY, MACHINE FLATLINES 381 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,400 PANTING 382 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,520 Patient needs 40 ccs of saline. Stat! 383 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,080 Ugh. Here we go again with the mansplaining. 384 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,720 Mansplaining? But I'm a woman. 385 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,200 JAMEELA GASPS I'm sorry. 386 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,960 I was confused because you don't have 387 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,200 symmetrical, voluptuous breasts like I do. 388 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,640 Argh! Hey, eyes up here! 389 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,600 Could we possibly make this less about you 390 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,720 and more about defibrillating this patient? 391 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,680 Sexist! You assume I'm a nurse because I'm in a hospital 392 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,600 and dressed like a nurse. You're worse than the media. 393 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,320 Did you know I've been chased by bees? 394 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,880 Now he's dead. This is terrible! 395 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,360 I know. It's so triggering for me. 396 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,280 It reminds me of the Palestinians 397 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,080 and how I've internalised their struggle. 398 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,520 Help! 399 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,440 I've had a spike thrown through me! 400 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,920 Me too! I was metaphorically spiked by a car driven by a swarm of bees. 401 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,640 Who cares? Oh, I see. Rob me of my narrative. 402 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,480 Typical white patriarchal oppression! 403 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,080 BUZZING Argh! Is that a bee? 404 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,440 SHE EXCLAIMS 405 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,720 Oh, that's lucky. 406 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,880 I've got something to tweet about... 407 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,320 Hey, everyone, it's me, The Rock. 408 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,360 Here to tell you about my great new show, Young Rock. 409 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,480 It's all about my life as a kid. 410 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,520 I had some big obstacles to overcome. 411 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,080 Take a look. 412 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,040 Young Rock, you have to choose 413 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,600 between every single girl in the school to be your prom date. 414 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,920 And every single boy. And all the teachers. 415 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,520 Whoa, that's a big obstacle. 416 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,320 But before I overcome it, 417 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,840 let's have a sip of my Watermelon Whatamana Tequila. 418 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,920 It's delicious and a great income stream for me. 419 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,960 Hey! I was in that scene. 420 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,240 Where was I? Why'd you cut me out? 421 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,240 Sorry, Kevin Hart, but you tested badly. With who? 422 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,640 Well, with me. 423 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,080 You can't just cut me! 424 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,000 I don't wanna talk about it. Uh, hey... 425 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,080 Do I smell cheese? Cheese? Got some cheese? 426 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,520 Oh, baby, I love me some cheese! 427 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,440 Where the cheese at? Where the cheese at? 428 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,920 Just over there, little guy. 429 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,240 Young Rock, streaming now, with me... 430 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,840 and not Kevin Hart. 431 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,160 SNAP, SCREAM 432 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,480 I hate you, you big dumb Rock! 433 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,360 Yeah, well, you're the one who got caught in a mousetrap! 434 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,640 Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg. 435 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,800 Facebook has got a lot of attention lately, 436 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,560 and I'm here to explain away 437 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,880 some of the really bad stuff you might have heard. 438 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,400 First, it is not true that our content moderation algorithm 439 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,480 is arbitrary and ineffective. 440 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,280 In fact, we do not use AI to decide what gets blocked. 441 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,920 Watch this video recording 442 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,680 of a content control committee meeting. 443 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,560 MONKEYS SCREECHING EXCITEDLY 444 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,960 Facebook has also been accused 445 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,640 of favouring one political party over another. 446 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,720 This video of our partisanship review board 447 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,160 should put that rumour to rest. 448 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,920 SCREECHING EXCITEDLY 449 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,480 GLASS SMASHING 450 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,760 My final point is this. 451 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,200 Facebook believes in transparency, 452 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,240 which is why, from now on, 453 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,920 I will be wearing this invisibility cloak. 454 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,720 See? 455 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,120 EXCITED SCREECHING 456 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,800 SOFT FEMALE VOICEOVER: Elle est riche, belle... 457 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,520 et mysterieuse. 458 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,040 C'est a dire... 459 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,640 jusqu'a ce qu'elle ouvre sa bouche. 460 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,480 What the fuck are you on about? 461 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,280 Brassy. 462 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,040 The new fragrance by Adele. 463 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,560 I released a perfume! 464 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,960 SHE CACKLES What am I like? 465 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,000 ETHEREAL MUSIC 466 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,400 'There once was a brave little fellow 467 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,200 'who wanted to help everyone. 468 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,560 'But some nasty people got hold of him.' 469 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,960 Net?! 470 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,600 HE GROANS 471 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,800 Wh-What's going on? Sorry, old thing. 472 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,000 See, you've been spending an awful lot of cash lately, 473 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,560 and now, well, there have to be cuts. 474 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,560 But the Prime Minister and I can't be the ones to do it. 475 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,600 Very unpopular to make cuts. 476 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,400 I'm afraid it has to be you, old chap. 477 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,200 So we've made a few modifications. 478 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,760 BORIS AND GOVE LAUGH MANIACALLY 479 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,640 Back to work, Rishi Scissorhands! 480 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,800 HE SCREAMS 481 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,440 'At first, everyone loved him.' 482 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,920 Look, I'm cutting red tape! 483 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,520 'And no-one seemed to mind 484 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,680 'that the red tape mountain had actually got bigger. 485 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,840 'But then everyone hated him.' 486 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,600 I'm sorry, kids. 487 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,080 I didn't want to cut your food! 488 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,120 But my scissor hands did! 489 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,840 GIRL GASPS 490 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,400 Save our NHS! Save our NHS! 491 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,440 Watch out for my hands! 492 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,880 No, no, please! Please don't! 493 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,760 'The simple-minded townsfolk didn't realise 494 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,680 'that the cuts were for their own good. 495 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,480 'And in their ignorance, drove him out of town. 496 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,040 'But he wasn't unhappy for long. 497 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,960 'Because his wife loved him. 498 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,520 'And also, he was a billionaire.' 499 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:33,240 MAN: Finally, we open the tomb of the great Pharaoh Intef. 500 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,640 What treasures lie within? 501 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,560 Oh, gosh! Only me. Hello! SHE SNORTS 502 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,400 What are you doing in a 4,000-year-old burial chamber? 503 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,600 I'm Olivia Colman. I'm in everything. 504 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,600 Hello! Ah! 505 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,080 Oh. I'm shut in again, am I? 506 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,440 Gosh. See you! Ha! 507 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:57,000 Chancellor Merkel, after 16 years of calm, careful, sober leadership, 508 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,760 are you planning to have a little fun in your retirement? 509 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:01,000 Oh, yes. 510 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,480 I plan to continue with my interests in quantum chemistry, 511 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,640 write a comprehensive multi-volume autobiography, 512 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,000 und, of course, 513 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,840 help manage the transition to ze new coalition. 514 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,400 Wonderful plans, Chancellor. 515 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,920 But first, I'm going to get super vasted! 516 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,040 Techno, techno, techno! 517 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,560 TECHNO MUSIC 518 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,640 Want some ket? Ja! 519 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:42,840 # Hold me closer, tiny Chancellor 520 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:49,880 # Lovely leader, first fraulein 521 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:56,840 # Angela, you are our angel 522 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,880 # We will not forget you 523 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,800 # Nein. # 524 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,640 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com