That completes tonight's COVID briefing.
I will now take questions on video.
First up, Nicki Minaj.
'Er, I've got a question for your science ass.
'My cousin's friend's testicles
'did blow up the size of Trinidad from the vaccine.
'Yes, boo.
'Also, if you belch, fart and sneeze at the same time, you die.
'My manager's dog said it did that. Right, Barbz?
'And if you eat a booger, you get pregnant with a booger baby.
'That's real. And they have feelings.
'What's that, booger baby? You don't want the vaccine?
'Don't worry, I'm doing research
'and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
'O-K-K-K-K-K-K.'
Still, better than taking questions from The Daily Mail.
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
SIREN BLARES
IAIN STIRLING: 'Every year, the leaders of the G20,
'the world's biggest economies,
'come together to settle their differences.
'At stake, the lives and livelihoods of humanity.
'Boring!
'So the G20 leaders have asked us here at Love Island
'to shake things up!
'We've brought them to this two-and-a-half-star resort
'on the rocky side of Ibiza,
'where they'll ensure global financial stability,
'form trade alliances, and most importantly, find love!'
Jacinda and I are a natural alliance.
We already sent Trudeau and Erdogan home.
They totally botched the
"Pass The Carrot With Your Arse" challenge.
But Putin and Merkel are forging bilateral agreements
like wombats in a billabong.
Who wants to get annihilated by doing vodka-Molly shots?
Shouldn't we grapple
with the problem of dual hemisphere deflation?
How about you deal with your dual hemisphere deflation, am I right?
Ugh! This is a European beach. Grow up!
Hey, Putin! That's my flag you're towelling off with!
Sorry. Already used it to dry my crotch.
Huh! BORIS MUMBLES
I did not come here to make friends.
Well, I'm desperate to make friends,
and all I get is a face full of dick towel!
Scotland's health system's at crisis point.
Nobody in Scotland can get an ambulance.
What am I going to do?
Have you tried blaming England, First Minister?
Of course I have, you wee fud! SHE GRUNTS
THUD, HE GROANS
But the NHS is fully devolved.
People are starting to realise this is my fault.
I have to call in the British Army!
I'll drive your damn ambulances.
That's great, Tom, but why?
Because when I was in the Navy,
I had to get justice for a murdered private -
William T Santiago.
To honour his memory, any job that he would have done, I have to do.
And even though he was a United States Marine
based at Guantanamo Bay,
I know he'd be right here driving ambulances in Glasgow.
You're on. Great.
But I'll need someone to help me navigate the Scottish roads.
Alex Salmond.
Goddammit, I'm trying to help people,
but you keep taking us the wrong way.
It's not the destination that matters, it's the journey.
Dude, did you eat the map? Tell me the truth!
Did you eat the map?
HE BELCHES
You can't handle the truth.
So you admit it! I rest my case.
TYRES SCREECH BOTH: Whoa!
SPLASHING
I'm sorry, Santiago!
TEXT ALERT
I've got a text!
"Islanders, you have to negotiate
"a 3% reduction in global carbon emissions
"while passing a raw squid from mouth to mouth."
GASPING
GRUNTING: This would've been easier if you hadn't left the EU.
That's negative two points for the squid slip!
BOTH: Vegemite!
'The bison calf is dead, and the vulture feasts on its eyes.
'Cold, indifferent nature cares nothing for a mother's tears.'
Another Werner BLEEP Herzog animal documentary.
Lighten up, you miserable bastard! Nature can be BLEEP funny.
Funny? How? All we ever do is eat or get eaten.
Funny how? Funny this!
HE FARTS, THEN LAUGHS
Vern, that's disgusting!
Sorry, honey.
SHE FARTS
Fooled you! Oof, Jesus!
Whoa! Wow! What, have you been eating dung beetles again?
BOTH FART
Hey, Herzog, film this, you gloomy Teutonic BLEEP!
HE LAUGHS
LION ROARS, CRUNCH
Vern? Vern?
Oh, shit.
'Across the earth blows the cold wind of death.'
He has a point.
The Love Island Summit is supposed to build community.
Who knew getting people drunk in the sun just causes drama?
You won't commit to copyright protection,
your performance in the lap-dance challenge made me weep.
I have to question if you're here for the right reasons!
I'm not into communal activities unless enforced by the state.
MOBILE VIBRATES
I've got a text!
SHE READS: "Tonight, we vote on...
"..sanctions."
Oh, fuck! Fuck! I'm not here.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
We all voted on sanctions, and it's time to read the results.
And the vote is...
..sanctions on Russia!
GASPING
Damn it! I need to upgrade my vote-rigging software.
I've got a text!
It's yet another big twist.
A new Islander is joining us right now.
Ooh, I hope it's hot twins!
Howdy! Oh, God!
That is the exact opposite of hot twins.
All right, America's here.
I'm declaring a new alliance.
Australia, the UK, and the US.
#AwkusMaximus.
Take that, bat breath.
Ooh, I'm so scared (!)
Mr American Big Mac and his two chicken nuggets.
Hey, Australia is getting nuclear submarines,
for which the UK is providing precision-engineered biscuits.
You were supposed to buy French submarines,
powered by fine Bordeaux diesel fuel!
Right, but the instruction manual was in bloody French!
Your loss.
Periscope up!
SHE GIGGLES Oh!
Guys, you know I'm loving your chanting very much,
but at the Liverpools we are wanting to make the chanting less offensive.
What's the point in that?
Well, you get to support the Liverpools,
but also not make other people feel so bad.
Let's try it, ja? Ha-ha!
The referee's a wanker!
But masturbation is a healthy part of the human experience!
Right, guys! Ha-ha! Boom!
You're shit and you know you are!
Which shows an impressive degree of insight and modesty!
You fat bastard! You fat bastard!
All body shapes are valid! In or out of wedlock!
Shut up, you wanker!
Ow! THUDDING
Feedback. Wow! fantastic!
Ha-ha!
Good evening.
Britain's carbon dioxide, or CO2, supplies are falling,
putting our food supplies at risk.
There are many reasons,
but I've been told by the government that none of them are Brexit.
Luckily, we all produce CO2 when we talk,
in a process called "out-gassing".
We have developed a device to harness this.
I will now demonstrate with the help of the Prime Minister.
Mr Johnson, tell us about Winston Churchill.
Ah, yes! Winston Churchill,
perhaps the greatest Prime Minister this country has ever had.
A colossus, bestriding the world stage.
We've already produced enough hot gas
to carbonate 15 barrels of beer.
..packing. Indefatigable, unshakeable.
He is, without doubt...
FRANTIC BLEEPING
The pressure's too high!
Deploy the emergency-braking question!
How many children do you have?
FRANTIC BLEEPING
The bulldog spirit of the indomitable British.
It's not working! ALARM BLARES
Take cover! CLATTERING
BOOMING
I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat and gas.
HE BELCHES
Madame Vice President, I'm proud of the work
we two have done for the Black community.
It's hard to believe that in our lifetime
we've made Juneteenth a federal holiday!
No-one was asking for it, but we got it done.
Still, it does seem more of a symbolic gesture.
Yes, a gesture of progress!
A progressive gesture of symbolism.
You know what would be a real progressive step?
Actual reparations.
I feel you, sister. We're not sisters.
I hear you, girlfriend.
Well, reparations are politically risky and an uphill battle,
but I will make something happen!
Mr Lin-Manuel Miranda,
I want you to write a song celebrating reparations.
Wow, it's really gonna happen!
Yes, the uplifting hope of starting the conversation about reparations
is going to happen, thanks to your song.
It'll be like that Imagine video from the pandemic!
That was widely hated... but widely viewed!
I'll call the song Raparations. I would never have thought of that.
Of course, the man who invented hip-hop is a genius.
I'm already in the flow. Gimme a beat.
SHE BEATBOXES
# Nancy Pelosi You're gonna toast me
# Cos this song will be Closely associated
# With not being hated. #
BEATBOXING STOPS
Don't worry, I'm working on it.
In the end, the only alliance that survived was Jacinda and me.
Not surprising, since we are basically one country.
And how's that working out?
Bloody awful.
We're in a war over who invented the Pavlova dessert.
Plus, everyone keeps confusing our accents.
Which is crazy, because they're totally different.
Wait, did I say that?
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC
Branding is all about creating an experience.
And I will teach you how to sell that.
As you enjoy a bottle of my delicious Whatamana tequila...
Go out and buy it, I can wait.
I'm Dwayne Johnson.
And you're paying me to sell you tequila.
Lin-Manuel,
what's our three-minute hip-hop song about reparations like?
Like a four-hour musical.
I play Alexander Hamilton's great-grandson,
a time-travelling space immigrant who serves justice to the oppressed.
Check out my space wig. BEAT STARTS
# Yo, I'm Devon Hamilton, you see
# It's t-t-2093
# Gonna heal a broken nation With a raparation
# Conversation A conversation that is serious
# Make you delirious You hearing this?
# I'm Devon Hamilton And I also play the flute. #
HE PLAYS FLUTE
Great! But does it fully represent the Black community?
Why don't you ask my co-star, Ariana Grande?
SHE VOCALISES
Wow! She sounds and looks so Black.
# It's tan from a can! #
So your plan to advance reparations is Hamilton II: In Space?
It's a joyous celebration of our cultural diversity,
with an edgy sci-fi twist!
And the Democratic Party gets a piece of the box office.
So everybody gets money except for the Black people who need it.
BEAT RESTARTS
# And all the rich liberals Feel as good as can be
# Getting paid, but watch the play To show solidarity. #
HE PLAYS FLUTE
JAMES BOND MUSICAL STING
Phoebe, I got your new rewrite.
Good, isn't it?
Mm. Got a couple of concerns.
It starts off in Moneypenny's office.
Bit of flirty banter.
But when Bond goes in to see M, we stay with Moneypenny,
who turns to camera and says...
"He shagged me up the arse."
Yes? Well, normally, it's more innuendo.
Bond might say,
"I once took her up the Orinoco." Oh.
Er... What if I change it to "He came on my tits"?
Meanwhile, we're missing all the explanation about the mission.
The mission's not the real story. The relationships are. Well...
I suppose you ARE the genius.
Oh, sod it.
I mean, in Die Another Day, he had an invisible car.
BOND THEME PLAYS
Why don't we raise the stakes, Mr Scary-Finger?
As you wish, Mr Bond.
Why is it so bloody hard to find a good vibrator?
I had to see you!
Because you want to shag me up the arse?
You're so damaged and posh, and you're SO clumsy.
Argh! Ooh! GLASS SHATTERS
My old flatmate accidentally killed herself, you see.
I wonder if Mr Scary-Finger knows anything about that.
Ooh, I'd like him to shag me up the arse!
What are you implying, Mr Bond?
Only that this is no time to die!
ONLOOKERS GASP
Mmm! Oh!
SOUNDS OF FIGHTING IN BACKGROUND
FIGHTING CONTINUES
Are you sure it's going to work?
Bound to. I'm getting ten grand a day for this.
Fair point.
'FIRST DATES' MUSICAL STING
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm recently single.
I'm into cookies, enterprise software
and giving my fortune away to anybody but my ex-wife.
PRODUCER: And how do you like to have fun?
I write my name in Wingdings!
Here at Emmanuel Macron's restaurant
everyone is on their first date.
Welcome, sir.
I think we have ze perfect lady for you.
Hi, I'm Liz Windsor.
What am I looking for?
Well, I'm fresh out of a long-term relationship,
so definitely nothing serious.
And no more cousins.
PRODUCER: Is there anything you're worried about?
Hmm. Is the sceptre too much?
So, do you have any children?
Yes. Same! Do you want any more?
Christ, no. I barely want the ones I have.
Are yours waiting for you to die?
Yeah! I feel ya.
Ooh la la!
Connection?
I don't know. I mean, sure, he's got his own hips,
but I suppose one was rather hoping for Zac Efron.
SLURRED: I'm just trying to make the world better, you know?
But seems like whatever I do, someone's got a problem with me.
That's why I never do anything.
Say...
You ever visit Pornhub?
Yeah, I mean, obviously she's a cougar.
But there's something about that sceptre...
Yeah, I think there is an attraction.
He only went to the toilet twice during dinner.
He's an LA six.
Windsor nine, if you know what I mean.
Say, you know about computers, right?
Hypothetically,
would you be able to erase somebody's son's internet history?
Are you inviting me home for coffee?
MUSIC SWELLS
So, would you like to see each other again?
Well, I had fun.
You seem like a genuine guy. No webbed hands or feet.
I'm up for seeing where this goes. You?
Absolutely.
I mean, you played it totally emotionless,
but what can I say?
I'd like to show you the Tower of London.
Stop it! No, YOU stop it!
THEY CHUCKLE
Don't stop it.
Two billionaires found love.
And the rest of us are left to clean up ze mess.
Oh! Leftover pudding.
HE SLURPS
Mr President,
the results of the Russian presidential election are in.
A thousand apologies, but...
you lost.
What?! How?! Who could have possibly beaten me?
Oh, ha! Only me!
Wha...? Olivia Colman.
Won the Emmy, now your election!
Gosh, I win everything! She's right, you know.
Oh, gosh, oopsie!
ALARM BLARES
MEN GRUNT
Stop! Thief! He's nicking my scooter!
Did someone call for The Foxman?
The who? The Foxman.
By day, I'm Keir Starmer,
a politician limited by the irrelevance of the Labour Party.
But by night, in the guise of Foxman,
I tackle injustice wherever I see it.
Within the prescribed legal and regulatory framework, obviously.
So you're a superhero with no utility belt,
no ninja stars and no actual powers?
True. But I do have a very complicated backstory.
In that case, I'm off. Do something!
There's a crime staring you right in the face!
There is indeed.
Your helmet does not comply with safety regulation EN1078,
which clearly states that there should be no occultation
in the field of vision, horizontally,
by a minimum of 105 degrees
from the longitudinal vertical median plane.
WHOOSH, FANFARE
What the...? All right, bab. Show some fucking leadership.
Aren't you Jess Phillips, the annoying, outspoken feminist
who wants to drag Labour more to the centre?
No, I'm Viral!
The annoying, outspoken feminist superhero
who wants to make Labour more electable.
Superhero, eh?
What's your backstory?
Oh, fuck. Another Labour man banging on about the past.
"Oh, old things!"
Stand back and let the young generation sort this out!
Great idea.
Let's convene a citizens' assembly of under 17...
CHAINSAW REVS Convene my big Labour vag.
SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
THEY GASP
You cut my scooter in half!
Ah! An egalitarian solution.
Redistribute resources equally.
No, destroy the bloody thing,
because an adult man should not be on a scooter like a baby.
You wanna suck some fucking milk from my big Labour tits?
Not really. You seem quite angry.
Yeah, cos of the bloody patriarchy!
Now bugger off!
I'm going to tweet about this!
ECHOING: I'm going... Viral!
HE GASPS
Your methods differ from mine,
and your language is a bit Wetherspoons-at-closing-time,
but we fight for the same cause.
Perhaps the centre and the left CAN join forces.
And stop internal fighting?
I'd never go viral again, duck.
Right, I'm off on my scooter.
A scooter?! But you said...
It's fine when I do it, you fuck.
Successful evening, sir? I learned a valuable lesson.
If I'm gonna save this nation from the forces of darkness,
I'm gonna have to talk about my genitals and swear a lot more.
Indeed. Shall we go home?
Yes.
You big hairy twat.
JAUNTY TUNE
Emma Raducanu,
congratulations on your tip-top teenage tennis triumph.
And look at how much prize money they gave you.
Yeah, I'm waiting for my nanny and a chimney sweep.
They're going to help me invest it wisely.
Well, there's nothing wiser than investing in your country.
HE LAUGHS
JAUNTY MUSIC
# I'm the handsome Chancellor Who you can trust
# Under me The country won't go bust
# When it comes to fiscal management
# We're level and we're sane
# We won't pour your money Down the drain
# We'll buy dodgy PPE from our mates
# Waste several billion On Track and Trace
# Not to mention A pointless high-speed train
# But we won't pour your money Down a drain
# But you're ruining the country You're taxing all and sundry
# I'm young, but I've got a brain
# And you will pour my money Down the
# Will pour my money down the Will pour my money down the drain. #
Oh, just give it here! No way!
Let go! Let go of it!
BORIS GRUNTS
Ow! Argh!
Excuse me, sir.
I've got tuppence. Where do I feed the pigeons?
Tuppence? HE GASPS
SPLASH Buggeration!
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Oh-Oh-Oh Oh-Oh
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-ah Oh-ah Oh-ah
# Oh-ah! #
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