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00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,200
That completes
tonight's COVID briefing.

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00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:03,840
I will now take questions on video.

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00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:05,560
First up, Nicki Minaj.

4
00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:08,360
'Er, I've got a question
for your science ass.

5
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,120
'My cousin's friend's testicles

6
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:13,160
'did blow up the size of Trinidad
from the vaccine.

7
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,480
'Yes, boo.

8
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:18,680
'Also, if you belch, fart and sneeze
at the same time, you die.

9
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:20,880
'My manager's dog said it did that.
Right, Barbz?

10
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:25,200
'And if you eat a booger,
you get pregnant with a booger baby.

11
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,560
'That's real.
And they have feelings.

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00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,920
'What's that, booger baby?
You don't want the vaccine?

13
00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,200
'Don't worry, I'm doing research

14
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,200
'and I'm gonna
get to the bottom of this.

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00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,320
'O-K-K-K-K-K-K.'

16
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,440
Still, better than taking questions
from The Daily Mail.

17
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:44,440
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

18
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,040
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

19
00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:50,160
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

20
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:53,480
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

21
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:57,640
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

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00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,400
SIREN BLARES

23
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,640
IAIN STIRLING: 'Every year,
the leaders of the G20,

24
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,640
'the world's biggest economies,

25
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,440
'come together
to settle their differences.

26
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:12,280
'At stake, the lives
and livelihoods of humanity.

27
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,760
'Boring!

28
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:17,520
'So the G20 leaders
have asked us here at Love Island

29
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,000
'to shake things up!

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00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,560
'We've brought them
to this two-and-a-half-star resort

31
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,480
'on the rocky side of Ibiza,

32
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:27,240
'where they'll ensure
global financial stability,

33
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:31,560
'form trade alliances,
and most importantly, find love!'

34
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,160
Jacinda and I
are a natural alliance.

35
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,920
We already sent
Trudeau and Erdogan home.

36
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,400
They totally botched the

37
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,680
"Pass The Carrot With Your Arse"
challenge.

38
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,640
But Putin and Merkel
are forging bilateral agreements

39
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,200
like wombats in a billabong.

40
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,800
Who wants to get annihilated
by doing vodka-Molly shots?

41
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,080
Shouldn't we grapple

42
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,080
with the problem
of dual hemisphere deflation?

43
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:03,320
How about you deal with your dual
hemisphere deflation, am I right?

44
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,200
Ugh! This is a European beach.
Grow up!

45
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:10,400
Hey, Putin! That's my flag
you're towelling off with!

46
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,080
Sorry. Already used it
to dry my crotch.

47
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,560
Huh!
BORIS MUMBLES

48
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,080
I did not come here to make friends.

49
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,040
Well, I'm desperate to make friends,

50
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,480
and all I get
is a face full of dick towel!

51
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,920
Scotland's health system's
at crisis point.

52
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:29,920
Nobody in Scotland
can get an ambulance.

53
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,120
What am I going to do?

54
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,440
Have you tried blaming England,
First Minister?

55
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,720
Of course I have, you wee fud!
SHE GRUNTS

56
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,280
THUD,
HE GROANS

57
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,560
But the NHS is fully devolved.

58
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,880
People are starting to realise
this is my fault.

59
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,480
I have to call in the British Army!

60
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,320
I'll drive your damn ambulances.

61
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,320
That's great, Tom, but why?

62
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,680
Because when I was in the Navy,

63
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,600
I had to get justice
for a murdered private -

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00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,960
William T Santiago.

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00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,720
To honour his memory, any job that
he would have done, I have to do.

66
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,720
And even though he was
a United States Marine

67
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,040
based at Guantanamo Bay,

68
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:03,120
I know he'd be right here
driving ambulances in Glasgow.

69
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,800
You're on.
Great.

70
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,440
But I'll need someone to help me
navigate the Scottish roads.

71
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,760
Alex Salmond.

72
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,200
Goddammit,
I'm trying to help people,

73
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:13,680
but you keep taking us
the wrong way.

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00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,680
It's not the destination
that matters, it's the journey.

75
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,120
Dude, did you eat the map?
Tell me the truth!

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Did you eat the map?

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HE BELCHES

78
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,760
You can't handle the truth.

79
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,320
So you admit it! I rest my case.

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00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,760
TYRES SCREECH
BOTH: Whoa!

81
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,000
SPLASHING

82
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,800
I'm sorry, Santiago!

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00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,480
TEXT ALERT

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00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,080
I've got a text!

85
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,360
"Islanders, you have to negotiate

86
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,440
"a 3% reduction
in global carbon emissions

87
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,840
"while passing a raw squid
from mouth to mouth."

88
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:49,880
GASPING

89
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:54,800
GRUNTING: This would've been easier
if you hadn't left the EU.

90
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,840
That's negative two points
for the squid slip!

91
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:00,800
BOTH: Vegemite!

92
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,720
'The bison calf is dead,
and the vulture feasts on its eyes.

93
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:09,360
'Cold, indifferent nature
cares nothing for a mother's tears.'

94
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,720
Another Werner BLEEP Herzog
animal documentary.

95
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:17,640
Lighten up, you miserable bastard!
Nature can be BLEEP funny.

96
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:21,120
Funny? How? All we ever do
is eat or get eaten.

97
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,880
Funny how? Funny this!

98
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,560
HE FARTS,
THEN LAUGHS

99
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,280
Vern, that's disgusting!

100
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:27,320
Sorry, honey.

101
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:28,400
SHE FARTS

102
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,400
Fooled you!
Oof, Jesus!

103
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,160
Whoa! Wow! What, have you been
eating dung beetles again?

104
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,360
BOTH FART

105
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,640
Hey, Herzog, film this,
you gloomy Teutonic BLEEP!

106
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:37,920
HE LAUGHS

107
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,520
LION ROARS,
CRUNCH

108
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,440
Vern? Vern?

109
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,680
Oh, shit.

110
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,480
'Across the earth
blows the cold wind of death.'

111
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,440
He has a point.

112
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,400
The Love Island Summit
is supposed to build community.

113
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:01,040
Who knew getting people drunk
in the sun just causes drama?

114
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,440
You won't commit
to copyright protection,

115
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,200
your performance in the lap-dance
challenge made me weep.

116
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,000
I have to question if you're here
for the right reasons!

117
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,400
I'm not into communal activities
unless enforced by the state.

118
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,320
MOBILE VIBRATES

119
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,200
I've got a text!

120
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,000
SHE READS: "Tonight, we vote on...

121
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,280
"..sanctions."

122
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,040
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
I'm not here.

123
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,000
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

124
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:33,040
We all voted on sanctions,
and it's time to read the results.

125
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,440
And the vote is...

126
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,240
..sanctions on Russia!

127
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,800
GASPING

128
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,120
Damn it! I need to upgrade
my vote-rigging software.

129
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,760
I've got a text!

130
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,920
It's yet another big twist.

131
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:50,360
A new Islander
is joining us right now.

132
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,320
Ooh, I hope it's hot twins!

133
00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,640
Howdy!
Oh, God!

134
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,680
That is the exact opposite
of hot twins.

135
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,000
All right, America's here.

136
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,720
I'm declaring a new alliance.

137
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,720
Australia, the UK, and the US.

138
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,880
#AwkusMaximus.

139
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,720
Take that, bat breath.

140
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,080
Ooh, I'm so scared (!)

141
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:17,000
Mr American Big Mac
and his two chicken nuggets.

142
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,600
Hey, Australia is getting
nuclear submarines,

143
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:24,240
for which the UK is providing
precision-engineered biscuits.

144
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,800
You were supposed to buy
French submarines,

145
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,280
powered by
fine Bordeaux diesel fuel!

146
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,720
Right, but the instruction manual
was in bloody French!

147
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,480
Your loss.

148
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,920
Periscope up!

149
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,200
SHE GIGGLES
Oh!

150
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,920
Guys, you know I'm loving
your chanting very much,

151
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,560
but at the Liverpools we are wanting
to make the chanting less offensive.

152
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,040
What's the point in that?

153
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,360
Well, you get to support
the Liverpools,

154
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,400
but also not make other people
feel so bad.

155
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,760
Let's try it, ja?
Ha-ha!

156
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,480
The referee's a wanker!

157
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:02,880
But masturbation is a healthy part
of the human experience!

158
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,320
Right, guys! Ha-ha!
Boom!

159
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,760
You're shit and you know you are!

160
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,640
Which shows an impressive degree
of insight and modesty!

161
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:15,800
You fat bastard!
You fat bastard!

162
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:19,600
All body shapes are valid!
In or out of wedlock!

163
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,360
Shut up, you wanker!

164
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,320
Ow!
THUDDING

165
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,440
Feedback. Wow! fantastic!

166
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,000
Ha-ha!

167
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,280
Good evening.

168
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,160
Britain's carbon dioxide,
or CO2, supplies are falling,

169
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,800
putting our food supplies at risk.

170
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,040
There are many reasons,

171
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,320
but I've been told by the government
that none of them are Brexit.

172
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,880
Luckily, we all produce CO2
when we talk,

173
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,280
in a process called "out-gassing".

174
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,080
We have developed
a device to harness this.

175
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,440
I will now demonstrate
with the help of the Prime Minister.

176
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,000
Mr Johnson,
tell us about Winston Churchill.

177
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,240
Ah, yes! Winston Churchill,

178
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,800
perhaps the greatest Prime Minister
this country has ever had.

179
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,880
A colossus,
bestriding the world stage.

180
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,120
We've already produced enough
hot gas

181
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,560
to carbonate 15 barrels of beer.

182
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,320
..packing.
Indefatigable, unshakeable.

183
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:11,720
He is, without doubt...

184
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,440
FRANTIC BLEEPING

185
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,520
The pressure's too high!

186
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,720
Deploy the
emergency-braking question!

187
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,760
How many children do you have?

188
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,640
FRANTIC BLEEPING

189
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,760
The bulldog spirit
of the indomitable British.

190
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,120
It's not working!
ALARM BLARES

191
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,360
Take cover!
CLATTERING

192
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,440
BOOMING

193
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:40,640
I have nothing to offer
but blood, sweat and gas.

194
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,160
HE BELCHES

195
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,600
Madame Vice President,
I'm proud of the work

196
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,840
we two have done
for the Black community.

197
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,200
It's hard to believe
that in our lifetime

198
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,520
we've made Juneteenth
a federal holiday!

199
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:03,280
No-one was asking for it,
but we got it done.

200
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,320
Still, it does seem
more of a symbolic gesture.

201
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,480
Yes, a gesture of progress!

202
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:13,080
A progressive gesture of symbolism.

203
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,760
You know what would be
a real progressive step?

204
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,720
Actual reparations.

205
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,960
I feel you, sister.
We're not sisters.

206
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,640
I hear you, girlfriend.

207
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:26,760
Well, reparations are politically
risky and an uphill battle,

208
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,640
but I will make something happen!

209
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,040
Mr Lin-Manuel Miranda,

210
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:37,200
I want you to write a song
celebrating reparations.

211
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,640
Wow, it's really gonna happen!

212
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:43,320
Yes, the uplifting hope of starting
the conversation about reparations

213
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,440
is going to happen,
thanks to your song.

214
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,960
It'll be like that
Imagine video from the pandemic!

215
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,720
That was widely hated...
but widely viewed!

216
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:57,200
I'll call the song Raparations.
I would never have thought of that.

217
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,800
Of course, the man who invented
hip-hop is a genius.

218
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,440
I'm already in the flow.
Gimme a beat.

219
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:06,600
SHE BEATBOXES

220
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,920
# Nancy Pelosi
You're gonna toast me

221
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:12,160
# Cos this song will be
Closely associated

222
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,680
# With not being hated. #

223
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,000
BEATBOXING STOPS

224
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,520
Don't worry, I'm working on it.

225
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,600
In the end, the only alliance
that survived was Jacinda and me.

226
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,080
Not surprising,
since we are basically one country.

227
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,400
And how's that working out?

228
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,480
Bloody awful.

229
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,680
We're in a war over
who invented the Pavlova dessert.

230
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,600
Plus, everyone keeps confusing
our accents.

231
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,800
Which is crazy,
because they're totally different.

232
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,200
Wait, did I say that?

233
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,600
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC

234
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,600
Branding is all about
creating an experience.

235
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,640
And I will teach you
how to sell that.

236
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,680
As you enjoy a bottle
of my delicious Whatamana tequila...

237
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,000
Go out and buy it, I can wait.

238
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:00,480
I'm Dwayne Johnson.

239
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:04,040
And you're paying me
to sell you tequila.

240
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,240
Lin-Manuel,

241
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,640
what's our three-minute
hip-hop song about reparations like?

242
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,440
Like a four-hour musical.

243
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,240
I play Alexander Hamilton's
great-grandson,

244
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,280
a time-travelling space immigrant
who serves justice to the oppressed.

245
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,520
Check out my space wig.
BEAT STARTS

246
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,800
# Yo, I'm Devon Hamilton, you see

247
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,720
# It's t-t-2093

248
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,200
# Gonna heal a broken nation
With a raparation

249
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,320
# Conversation
A conversation that is serious

250
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,640
# Make you delirious
You hearing this?

251
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,560
# I'm Devon Hamilton
And I also play the flute. #

252
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,960
HE PLAYS FLUTE

253
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,720
Great! But does it fully represent
the Black community?

254
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,000
Why don't you ask my co-star,
Ariana Grande?

255
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,000
SHE VOCALISES

256
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,240
Wow! She sounds and looks so Black.

257
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,320
# It's tan from a can! #

258
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,920
So your plan to advance reparations
is Hamilton II: In Space?

259
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:11,680
It's a joyous celebration
of our cultural diversity,

260
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,240
with an edgy sci-fi twist!

261
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,000
And the Democratic Party
gets a piece of the box office.

262
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,600
So everybody gets money except
for the Black people who need it.

263
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,160
BEAT RESTARTS

264
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,760
# And all the rich liberals
Feel as good as can be

265
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,040
# Getting paid, but watch the play
To show solidarity. #

266
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,560
HE PLAYS FLUTE

267
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:35,160
JAMES BOND MUSICAL STING

268
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,400
Phoebe, I got your new rewrite.

269
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,800
Good, isn't it?

270
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,840
Mm. Got a couple of concerns.

271
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,920
It starts off
in Moneypenny's office.

272
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,400
Bit of flirty banter.

273
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,720
But when Bond goes in to see M,
we stay with Moneypenny,

274
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,520
who turns to camera and says...

275
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,120
"He shagged me up the arse."

276
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,640
Yes?
Well, normally, it's more innuendo.

277
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,040
Bond might say,

278
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,560
"I once took her up the Orinoco."
Oh.

279
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,560
Er... What if I change it to
"He came on my tits"?

280
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,920
Meanwhile, we're missing all
the explanation about the mission.

281
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,080
The mission's not the real story.
The relationships are. Well...

282
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,400
I suppose you ARE the genius.

283
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,600
Oh, sod it.

284
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,400
I mean, in Die Another Day,
he had an invisible car.

285
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,440
BOND THEME PLAYS

286
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,080
Why don't we raise the stakes,
Mr Scary-Finger?

287
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:27,280
As you wish, Mr Bond.

288
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,160
Why is it so bloody hard
to find a good vibrator?

289
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:35,680
I had to see you!

290
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,360
Because you want
to shag me up the arse?

291
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:41,200
You're so damaged and posh,
and you're SO clumsy.

292
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,360
Argh! Ooh!
GLASS SHATTERS

293
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,840
My old flatmate accidentally
killed herself, you see.

294
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,440
I wonder if Mr Scary-Finger
knows anything about that.

295
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,560
Ooh, I'd like him
to shag me up the arse!

296
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:55,040
What are you implying, Mr Bond?

297
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,600
Only that this is no time to die!

298
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,120
ONLOOKERS GASP

299
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,040
Mmm! Oh!

300
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,360
SOUNDS OF FIGHTING IN BACKGROUND

301
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,720
FIGHTING CONTINUES

302
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,200
Are you sure it's going to work?

303
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,680
Bound to. I'm getting
ten grand a day for this.

304
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,120
Fair point.

305
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,000
'FIRST DATES' MUSICAL STING

306
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:25,480
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm recently single.

307
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,080
I'm into cookies,
enterprise software

308
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,520
and giving my fortune away
to anybody but my ex-wife.

309
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,720
PRODUCER:
And how do you like to have fun?

310
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:37,120
I write my name in Wingdings!

311
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,400
Here at Emmanuel Macron's
restaurant

312
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,280
everyone is on their first date.

313
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,080
Welcome, sir.

314
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,600
I think we have
ze perfect lady for you.

315
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,960
Hi, I'm Liz Windsor.

316
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,560
What am I looking for?

317
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,520
Well, I'm fresh out of
a long-term relationship,

318
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,040
so definitely nothing serious.

319
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,160
And no more cousins.

320
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,440
PRODUCER: Is there anything
you're worried about?

321
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,480
Hmm. Is the sceptre too much?

322
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,640
So, do you have any children?

323
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,800
Yes.
Same! Do you want any more?

324
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,320
Christ, no.
I barely want the ones I have.

325
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,480
Are yours waiting for you to die?

326
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,680
Yeah!
I feel ya.

327
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,400
Ooh la la!

328
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,920
Connection?

329
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,480
I don't know.
I mean, sure, he's got his own hips,

330
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,920
but I suppose one was
rather hoping for Zac Efron.

331
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:33,480
SLURRED: I'm just trying
to make the world better, you know?

332
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:38,160
But seems like whatever I do,
someone's got a problem with me.

333
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,400
That's why I never do anything.

334
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,360
Say...

335
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,040
You ever visit Pornhub?

336
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,720
Yeah, I mean,
obviously she's a cougar.

337
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,360
But there's something
about that sceptre...

338
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,040
Yeah, I think
there is an attraction.

339
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,320
He only went to the toilet twice
during dinner.

340
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,480
He's an LA six.

341
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,600
Windsor nine,
if you know what I mean.

342
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:06,080
Say, you know
about computers, right?

343
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,720
Hypothetically,

344
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:12,200
would you be able to erase
somebody's son's internet history?

345
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,640
Are you inviting me home for coffee?

346
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,040
MUSIC SWELLS

347
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,160
So, would you like
to see each other again?

348
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,880
Well, I had fun.

349
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,720
You seem like a genuine guy.
No webbed hands or feet.

350
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,320
I'm up for seeing where this goes.
You?

351
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,080
Absolutely.

352
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,760
I mean, you played it
totally emotionless,

353
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,640
but what can I say?

354
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,560
I'd like to show you
the Tower of London.

355
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,960
Stop it!
No, YOU stop it!

356
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,400
THEY CHUCKLE

357
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,920
Don't stop it.

358
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,160
Two billionaires found love.

359
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,760
And the rest of us
are left to clean up ze mess.

360
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,080
Oh! Leftover pudding.

361
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,840
HE SLURPS

362
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:02,680
Mr President,

363
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,360
the results of the Russian
presidential election are in.

364
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,040
A thousand apologies, but...

365
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,440
you lost.

366
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,840
What?! How?!
Who could have possibly beaten me?

367
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,520
Oh, ha! Only me!

368
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,760
Wha...?
Olivia Colman.

369
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,240
Won the Emmy, now your election!

370
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,560
Gosh, I win everything!
She's right, you know.

371
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,000
Oh, gosh, oopsie!

372
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,360
ALARM BLARES

373
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,840
MEN GRUNT

374
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,960
Stop! Thief!
He's nicking my scooter!

375
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,920
Did someone call for The Foxman?

376
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,360
The who?
The Foxman.

377
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,320
By day, I'm Keir Starmer,

378
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,120
a politician limited by
the irrelevance of the Labour Party.

379
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,120
But by night,
in the guise of Foxman,

380
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:51,680
I tackle injustice
wherever I see it.

381
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,960
Within the prescribed legal and
regulatory framework, obviously.

382
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,440
So you're a superhero
with no utility belt,

383
00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,400
no ninja stars and no actual powers?

384
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:04,120
True. But I do have
a very complicated backstory.

385
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,080
In that case, I'm off.
Do something!

386
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,800
There's a crime
staring you right in the face!

387
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,360
There is indeed.

388
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:14,640
Your helmet does not comply
with safety regulation EN1078,

389
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,520
which clearly states that
there should be no occultation

390
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,000
in the field of vision,
horizontally,

391
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,520
by a minimum of 105 degrees

392
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,560
from the longitudinal
vertical median plane.

393
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,880
WHOOSH, FANFARE

394
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,640
What the...? All right, bab.
Show some fucking leadership.

395
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,600
Aren't you Jess Phillips,
the annoying, outspoken feminist

396
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,480
who wants to drag Labour
more to the centre?

397
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,760
No, I'm Viral!

398
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,520
The annoying, outspoken
feminist superhero

399
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,240
who wants to make Labour
more electable.

400
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,640
Superhero, eh?

401
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,280
What's your backstory?

402
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:51,160
Oh, fuck. Another Labour man
banging on about the past.

403
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:52,720
"Oh, old things!"

404
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,920
Stand back and let
the young generation sort this out!

405
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,440
Great idea.

406
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,640
Let's convene a citizens' assembly
of under 17...

407
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,160
CHAINSAW REVS
Convene my big Labour vag.

408
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,800
SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

409
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,080
THEY GASP

410
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,280
You cut my scooter in half!

411
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,880
Ah! An egalitarian solution.

412
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,760
Redistribute resources equally.

413
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,480
No, destroy the bloody thing,

414
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,760
because an adult man should not
be on a scooter like a baby.

415
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,720
You wanna suck some fucking milk
from my big Labour tits?

416
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,960
Not really. You seem quite angry.

417
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,560
Yeah, cos of the bloody patriarchy!

418
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,040
Now bugger off!

419
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,200
I'm going to tweet about this!

420
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,280
ECHOING: I'm going... Viral!

421
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,360
HE GASPS

422
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:44,840
Your methods differ from mine,

423
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,720
and your language is a bit
Wetherspoons-at-closing-time,

424
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,640
but we fight for the same cause.

425
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,920
Perhaps the centre and the left
CAN join forces.

426
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,800
And stop internal fighting?

427
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,320
I'd never go viral again, duck.

428
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,600
Right, I'm off on my scooter.

429
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,320
A scooter?! But you said...

430
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,040
It's fine when I do it, you fuck.

431
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:10,520
Successful evening, sir?
I learned a valuable lesson.

432
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,640
If I'm gonna save this nation
from the forces of darkness,

433
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,640
I'm gonna have to talk about
my genitals and swear a lot more.

434
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,040
Indeed. Shall we go home?

435
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,240
Yes.

436
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,840
You big hairy twat.

437
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,200
JAUNTY TUNE

438
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,640
Emma Raducanu,

439
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,240
congratulations on your
tip-top teenage tennis triumph.

440
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,800
And look at how much prize money
they gave you.

441
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,640
Yeah, I'm waiting for my nanny
and a chimney sweep.

442
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,800
They're going to help me
invest it wisely.

443
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,920
Well, there's nothing wiser
than investing in your country.

444
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,360
HE LAUGHS

445
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,080
JAUNTY MUSIC

446
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,120
# I'm the handsome Chancellor
Who you can trust

447
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,600
# Under me
The country won't go bust

448
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,640
# When it comes to fiscal management

449
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,480
# We're level and we're sane

450
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,320
# We won't pour your money
Down the drain

451
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,600
# We'll buy dodgy PPE from our mates

452
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:11,440
# Waste several billion
On Track and Trace

453
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,280
# Not to mention
A pointless high-speed train

454
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,080
# But we won't pour your money
Down a drain

455
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:22,400
# But you're ruining the country
You're taxing all and sundry

456
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,480
# I'm young, but I've got a brain

457
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,360
# And you will pour my money
Down the

458
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:31,320
# Will pour my money down the
Will pour my money down the drain. #

459
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,080
Oh, just give it here!
No way!

460
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,640
Let go! Let go of it!

461
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,960
BORIS GRUNTS

462
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,120
Ow! Argh!

463
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,720
Excuse me, sir.

464
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:46,000
I've got tuppence.
Where do I feed the pigeons?

465
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,360
Tuppence?
HE GASPS

466
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,680
SPLASH
Buggeration!

467
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,000
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

468
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:01,080
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

469
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:05,040
# Oh-Oh-Oh Oh-Oh

470
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,680
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

471
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,280
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

472
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,160
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

473
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,280
# Oh-ah Oh-ah Oh-ah

474
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:16,480
# Oh-ah! #

475
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,520
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