# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
# Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! #
I'd like to apologise.
Last week, I said I had a meeting with Dominic Raab.
I didn't. I actually met with Boris Johnson.
I'm sorry about the confusion, I didn't mean to cause any offence,
but all Tories look the same to me.
BIG BEN CHIMES
Ugh!
A-ha. Yes. Bye, dear.
Right, I'm off to attend to some matters of state at Waitrose.
And then a quick Cabinet reshuffle.
ALL GASP
ALARM SOUNDS
'Cabinet reshuffle! Cabinet reshuffle!'
He's going to fire us all.
OK, Dom, this time, we're gonna learn some countries.
OK, you are...
Mackle-donia? Macadamia!
Well, anyway, it's near Crete.
DREAMILY: Ah, Crete's so great.
No, Dom! Concentrate!
Oh, damn it, I'm gonna get sacked for being too popular!
Then make yourself hated, like me.
SCOFFS With this face?
ANGELIC CHOIR: # Rishi-i-i-i... # SINGER: # Eat out to help out. #
Stop! Look, if we want to stay in the Cabinet,
we should act like proper Conservatives.
You mean... brief against each other?!
PHONES DIAL AND RING
He's totally incompetent... Massive egg-head...
# Rishi-i-i... # DOOR OPENS
Righto, everybody, back to business.
I've finished reshuffling my cabinet.
ALL GASP What?
My drinks cabinet.
From dark and peaty, all the way to pink and jammy.
ALL SIGH IN RELIEF
Which is what you're going to look like after I've reshuffled you.
ALL GASP What?!
You can't move me! Is there no justice?!
Hmm...
DOOR OPENS
Ah, William! Wasn't it super about the tennis?
I'm just writing a note to Emma Raducanu.
Don't forget you're the Queen of Canada too, Grandmama.
You'll have to commiserate with Leylah Fernandez.
Of course.
I take my duties as Queen of the Commonwealth very seriously indeed.
Excellent. So, what have you written to Emma?
"Dear Emma. Jolly well done on beating that dreadful Canadian.
"God, I hate Canada.
"Freezing bloody cold the whole time and full of mooses
"and stupid bloody Mounties wearing ridiculous hats.
"Half the bloody country speak French. What's that all about?
"But I digress.
"Well done again on your splendid victory
"and, in conclusion, I hope I never have to go to Canada again."
Hmm. And what are you going to say to Leylah?
How about, "Well played. Now fuck off back to Moose-Land."?
Mr President, welcome to our secret UFO facility.
But I thought the big report
said there was nothing to that malarkey about Area 51.
There isn't, sir. This is Area 52.
Ooh! I should warn you.
You're about to see an object
that will cause you to rethink our place in the universe
and shudder for the fate of humanity.
A haemorrhoid suppository that actually works?
Hot damn!
No, sir. An alien spacecraft!
Ooh!
ETHEREAL MUSIC
Whoa! Looks like a suppository.
It's not.
So, how does this alien spaceship work?
All we know is that these aliens have design taste
far beyond even our most advanced gay couples.
Well, my dad sold cars. Inside, they're all the same.
Now, what does this yankamajigger do?
GASPS My God, you've activated it!
I'm detecting an incredibly advanced fusion drive signature.
I'll tell you what's advanced. The lumbar support on this sofa.
ALARM
Who has activated the master lounge pod viewer
in our long lost spacecraft?
Hey, it's me, Joe from Scranton, US of A, Planet Earth.
Say, how about you get your ass down here so we can chew the fat?
We do not risk our asses on inter-dimensional travel.
We leave them at home.
Expect our arrival in five glip-glerps.
Make it six glip-glerps. I need to take a nap.
Now, does this thing have auto-massage?
Yeah!
Wow, even we didn't know it did that.
See you, Donkey!
Alec! I thought we changed the locks?
I bit through them.
As the true voice of Scottish independence,
I'm here to tell you time's up.
But I'm loved by the Scottish people!
WINDOW SMASHES, THUMP
See? More fan mail!
GASPS
Er... maybe I have had a good run.
But who could be my successor?
What about me? I'm not just a pretty face.
Who wants a sleepy cuddle?
Hnh! Och!
No, I want to hand over to a female.
Thanks to your legislation, I can now self-identify as a woman.
Er... well, I think we need someone younger.
SUCKS TEETH I look peng, G!
OK, I'll be honest. We need someone Scottish
who can tell appalling lies with a straight face.
My ears are burning!
Not you! Argh!
No. Our candidate has to be able to handle being in hot water,
a thick skin, and be Scottish through and through...
Sounds like you need a haggis!
I think you'll find that, unlike that guy,
I'm a far more palatable bag of guts.
Hmm...
Oh, don't do that. Argh!
Alec! You've sabotaged independence again by eating our new leader!
BELCHES
President Biden, we came here to meet humanity.
Is this your supreme planetary congress?
If you wanna meet Sammy Six-Pack and Sarah Side Salad,
you go to a local eatery.
Joe-creature, we wish to offer you
the blessings of our advanced civilisation.
What can you offer in exchange?
Um, we got...
Hmm. Amtrak.
Uh... sand.
Three Dakotas: North, South, and Fanning.
Hard pass.
If you have nothing to offer us,
we will take our technology to Planet Dagon.
Well, as long as it ain't China.
They've already stolen it.
All right, let's split up the bill.
Which one of you daredevils chowed down 50 triple-battered taco locos?
It was Zolaprax the All-Eating.
Oh, buddy, you're gonna be a little gassy tonight.
I already am. HISSES
Piers Morgan here.
I want to join Britain in congratulating Emma Raducanu...
for listening to me!
When she threw in the towel at Wimbledon, like a snowflake,
I said to her, "Loser! Toughen up!"
Which is exactly what she did at the US Open.
So her victory is all thanks to me, Piers Morgan.
British tennis, you are welcome!
Ooh!
Still, advantage Morgan.
GRUNTS
OK, folks, my space buddies and I have a deal
to solve all the world's problems.
All we need is a buy-in
from Congresswomen Pelosi and AOC on the left,
and Senator Mitch McConnell on the right.
Let's hear what these aliens have to say.
Excuse me, it's inappropriate to call them aliens.
I suggest "Pre-Documented Non-Terrestrial Dream-Creatures."
We bring you the technology to cure all disease.
That sounds like free universal health care!
Socialism!
We know how to eliminate economic inequities
and racial disharmony.
Then we'll have nothing to run on!
We can end your climate crisis with clean energy.
That'd be a Democrat win.
With our advanced civilisation,
you won't need Democrats or Republicans.
Or government at all.
ALL: No government? Are you crazy?
Ugh! It just gets worse and worse.
This planet is ridiculous.
We will find someone else who can negotiate a deal.
Activate matter transporter!
By which we mean walking.
MCCONNELL: That was a close call.
We almost solved the country's problems.
Oh, hi, it's me, Rudy Giuliani.
Thanks for paying 400 bucks to do this Cameo call,
so I can... CLEARS THROAT
..wish happy birthday to your mom.
You know, I was Mayor of New York on September 11th.
In fact, Queen Elizabeth once told me...
BAD IMPRESSION OF QUEEN: "Oh, Mayor Rudy, you're so strong and handsome.
"I dub you Sir Sexy of Awesome.
"I love your dark, youthful hair.
"Ooh!"
Whoa, that got me hot.
Anyway, happy birthday to, uh...
Oh, Jesus, I can't read this.
All right, I need that 400 bucks yesterday!
And I'm not disbarred!
PHONE RINGS
Uh-oh, that's my butt phone, I better take this.
FARTS
So, I'll pick you up later, Greta, yeah?
And we can watch Ross Kemp's Ultimate Bastards on BritBox.
But, Lee, I'm going to university now,
so I'm breaking up with you. And you're moving on too.
How's that, then?
Well, now you are doing plastering as well as roofing.
You are going from outside people's houses to inside their houses.
I suppose I'll be warmer. And a bit nearer the kettle.
Besides, you'd be bored watching me giving inspiring speeches,
doing selfies and arguing over who used all the oat milk.
SNIFFS
All right, Greta. I'll never forget you.
I've kept the sign we made for that climate change rally.
And I have kept the sign we made for West Ham versus Man U.
SNIFFS Yeah, it's a good one, that.
Madame Patel, let us come to an entente cordiale
about zese immigrants crossing ze Channel in zeir little boats.
I've got an entente for you, Macron, you garlic-stinkin' frog.
You keep 'em.
You are unusually diplomatic today.
You should take zese immigrants. Zey seek a better life in Britain,
ze land of Shakespeare and Joe Wicks.
Burpees! Not now, Joe Wicks!
JOE WAILS, THUMP
If you love migrants so much, why don't you keep 'em,
you horse-eatin' weirdo?
I know you have a softer side.
Perhaps I could butter it.
SLURPS
Urgh! Put that thing away, you pantin' Parisian perv.
You tell 'im, darling. You've taken back control.
And by the way, Marcel, these are chips, not French fries!
And stop slagging off our British vaccines,
you granny-shagger!
Enough blather from your seaside cuisine!
Stop turning boats back, or zere will be an international incident!
Fine.
The next person I send across the Channel won't be a migrant.
Ketchup! Ze enemy of fine cuisine!
Urgh! SPLASH
Yeah! Go on! Get lost. Bugger off!
Yeah, back to Frogland!
ANNOUNCER:
Hi, I'm Josh, I'm captain of the lacrosse team.
I am Greta... FEEDBACK
..the spokesperson for our generation.
Oh, I thought she was.
Greta Thunberg. Malala!
I think you'll find I am the spokesperson for our generation.
We don't need another,
particularly one who wears her hair in such kiddy pigtails.
Right, guys?
LAUGHTER GASPING: No!
LAUGHTER REVERBERATES
I think you're forgetting something. THEY GASP
Greta won the 2019 Ambassador of Conscience Award.
THEY GASP Wow! Oh, wow!
Oh, no, I'm such a loser. I only got this...
GRETA GASPS ..Nobel Peace Prize.
CHEERING
You'll never win, Greta.
GRETA SOBS
Come on, Greta, let's get you home. You can make me tea if you like.
I quite fancy tofu and chips.
You're right, Lee, I should never have come away to uni.
I was so much happier
watching Danny Dyer's Ultimate Bollock-Kicks with you.
DOOR OPENS Sorry I'm late, everybods!
This is politics and economics, right?
BOTH GASP BOTH: Harry Styles?!
I want to get stuck into something really serious
after my gap career in One Direction.
Maybe I will stay a little longer.
What?! GRANGE HILL STYLE MUSIC
Donald Trump, you are the true leader of this country,
according to Rudy Giuliani and the My Pillow guy.
We offer you the chance to end homelessness, hunger, and war.
Boring! Talk to me about important problems.
Can you make a voting machine that always makes me the winner?
This is ridiculous. Let us return to our home world.
Yes, I long for its green rolling hills and abundant water views.
Sounds like the perfect place for a golf resort,
and I'd be a great ruler for your planet.
We could definitely use some tourist business.
OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC
Your Highness, you have bankrupted our planet
with the wall you've built around it.
Uh-oh! I'm gonna need a distraction.
Have you guys invented Twitter yet?
Yes, but you've been banned from it.
ZAP Oh!
Bring me another space chalupa.
GRUNTS ROBOTICALLY
DAVID LAUGHS, ELTON HUMS
What did you think of my script, Elton?
You and me doing the garden,
you and me going to a school parents evening,
you and me separating the rubbish
and taking it down to the recycling centre...
DAVID YELPS I hate it!
It's completely bloody boring!
But that's our life, that's what happened after Rocketman 1.
The second-act climax is me falling asleep in front of the telly!
DAVID GIGGLES Oh, that was so funny!
You dribbled. No, it wasn't.
It's not my fault I can't keep my mouth closed.
You know I suffer from fat tongue.
Oh, I love you and the life we have together... Blah, blah, blah.
It's just, if we're going to do a sequel,
we'll need to jazz it up for the audience. Just a bit!
But it'll still have emotional truth?
Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
Then we better go and do some research, jazz up our lives.
How about going to a party
over at Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly's place?
Have you booked a cab? HE CHORTLES
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here at the CERN institute,
the Large Hadron Collider smashes protons together
at close to the speed of light
to find the very building blocks of life.
And here they are.
Oh, hello. Gosh, only me.
Olivia Colman, what are you doing inside subatomic particles?
Oh, I'm in everything! SHE SNORTS
She's right, you know.
THEY SNORT
Absolutely everything.
What a fab night! I haven't had so much fun in ages.
It was horrible. All that loud music...
I liked the music, and Machine Gun was such a cutie.
No, he wasn't!
When I asked him who his favourite Gardeners' World presenter is,
he just walked off!
So, this morning,
shall we look at houses near schools with outstanding Ofsted ratings?
Now you're talking.
And we should check out those fabric swatches you had. Ooh!
THEY GIGGLE
ROCK PIANO PLAYS
Elton, I've been meaning to talk to you
about how to stack the dishwasher.
# I'm still stacking Like the way I always did... #
Mm, mm, mm...
Ooh, tricky.
I swear these IQ tests are getting harder.
Prime Minister, I ordered a monogrammed Taser three weeks ago,
and it still hasn't come. Hang on!
And my toffee apples never arrived!
The ones I brush my hair with.
Nothin' is being delivered
because Britain is short 100,000 truck drivers.
It's a right royal spiff-spaff.
I'll drive your damn truck.
I'll deliver your draught excluders to Grimsby,
your mild Cheddar to Wigan,
and your IKEA Billy bookcases to every goddamn home in this country!
That's jolly good of you, Tom, but why?
Because of my best friend, Goose.
I was expecting a package and it wasn't delivered,
so I had to go to the post office to pick it up.
And while I was gone, Goose got ejected from a cockpit and killed.
I think that was actually a movie.
Damn it, I know when something's real!
I'm a Scientologist!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
CAR HORNS BLARE
I got this! M6 to Coventry!
Nuneaton roundabout!
Left... Stay left!
TYRES SCREECH, CRASH
I'm sorry, Goose!
Thank you for coming, Marcus. Isotonic energy drink?
Red Wall... gives you left wings. Thanks.
Oh, my Red Wall seems to have turned blue.
Anyway, our focus groups have suggested
that I have a tendency towards verbosity
that can render my communication unintentionally opaque.
You mean you talk too much?
That is not insubstantially incorrect.
Whereas you, Marcus, have a refreshing brevity,
a resplendent pithiness that I... SNORING
Marcus? Man on!
Sorry. So, I wonder if you would mind telling me
how you would present a policy idea about tackling child hunger.
Feed the hungry kids?
It's simple, it's clear,
it obeys the rules of Aristotelian oratory.
I'll try it!
And with the help of my friend Marcus Rashford here,
I present our new campaign.
HE READS NAME
..to benefit their sustenance and growth...
CONTINUES READING
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Nailed, eh, Marcus? MARCUS SNORES
Offside!
Look, Noah!
Our vintage, locally-sourced board game has arrived!
DANCE MUSIC, GOVE GRUNTS IN TIME WITH BEAT
Freshers, freshers, what is go on?
Who are you?
I'm Michael Gove, but you can call me the Minister of Sound.
HE GRUNTS TO BEAT
Sir, do you need medical help?
No, I'm bringing the good news.
We got rid of vaccine passports.
You don't need them to get into nightclubs any more.
What's a nightclub? What's a nightclub?!
It's a place for recently-single men to dance and find connections.
HE GRUNTS
Yeah, I think we'll stay in
and play a gender-neutral, non-competitive board game.
Erm, Humane Mouse Trap!
Well, whatever young people do, I'm in.
Yay, we caught the mouse - as a team!
I thought Mouse Trap was slang for drugs.
MUSIC RESUMES, HE MUMBLES DISCONTENTEDLY
Now, listen, I think apologising is the right thing for you to do,
given the circumstances.
Elements of the public are upset, and we have to be alive to that.
Can't blame me, I'm just a football!
Yes, but you didn't go in the net,
and you've got to take responsibility for that.
I said sorry for missing a penalty, and the country's forgiven me.
Apart from a small misguided minority on Twitter
who like to call me a big-nosed twat.
OK, OK, I'll apologise.
Good. You've got a shot at the World Cup,
you don't want to be cancelled.
But you'll have to write it for me.
Er, why? Haven't got any hands!
Glad to help.
Now, you need to apologise
for getting in the way of Rashford's penalty kick.
Oh, bugger off, you big-nosed twat!
Kia Ora, good people of New Zealand.
We have had another single case of the deadly COVID,
so Nanny has no choice but to impose a full lockdown.
But, Prime Minister Ardern,
New Zealand can't keep doing this forever!
You must learn to be strong, my child.
BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
# Close every border
# Lock every door
# Shut every airport
# A guard on every shore
# No more interaction
# Stay off the street
# Hide inside your basement
# Staring at your feet
# New Zealand is going to Stay COVID-free
# And all because of
# Wonderful, sensible me
# If you get COVID
# Into a bag you'll go
# No-one gets in the country
# Unless it's Jeff Bezos. #
Good evening, I'm Prince Andrew.
The producers of Spitting Image have invited me
to address the so-called court case in New York.
I would have been perfectly happy to cooperate there,
but I was not served the papers in the correct legal fashion.
If protocol is not followed,
then the law says I have no charge to answer
and I should not be hit with a piece of wood.
SICKENING THUD, ANDREW GROANS
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
# Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah
# Oh-ah! #
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