1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,400 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 2 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,640 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,880 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 4 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,400 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 5 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,600 # Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah! # 6 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,680 I'd like to apologise. 7 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:25,240 Last week, I said I had a meeting with Dominic Raab. 8 00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,880 I didn't. I actually met with Boris Johnson. 9 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,720 I'm sorry about the confusion, I didn't mean to cause any offence, 10 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,800 but all Tories look the same to me. 11 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,560 BIG BEN CHIMES 12 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:39,600 Ugh! 13 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,040 A-ha. Yes. Bye, dear. 14 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,600 Right, I'm off to attend to some matters of state at Waitrose. 15 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,200 And then a quick Cabinet reshuffle. 16 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,080 ALL GASP 17 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,320 ALARM SOUNDS 18 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,320 'Cabinet reshuffle! Cabinet reshuffle!' 19 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,920 He's going to fire us all. 20 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:00,960 OK, Dom, this time, we're gonna learn some countries. 21 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,120 OK, you are... 22 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,640 Mackle-donia? Macadamia! 23 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,440 Well, anyway, it's near Crete. 24 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,680 DREAMILY: Ah, Crete's so great. 25 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,920 No, Dom! Concentrate! 26 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,640 Oh, damn it, I'm gonna get sacked for being too popular! 27 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,160 Then make yourself hated, like me. 28 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,720 SCOFFS With this face? 29 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:24,200 ANGELIC CHOIR: # Rishi-i-i-i... # SINGER: # Eat out to help out. # 30 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,280 Stop! Look, if we want to stay in the Cabinet, 31 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,760 we should act like proper Conservatives. 32 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,520 You mean... brief against each other?! 33 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:32,760 PHONES DIAL AND RING 34 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,320 He's totally incompetent... Massive egg-head... 35 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,560 # Rishi-i-i... # DOOR OPENS 36 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,080 Righto, everybody, back to business. 37 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,040 I've finished reshuffling my cabinet. 38 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,080 ALL GASP What? 39 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,760 My drinks cabinet. 40 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:48,360 From dark and peaty, all the way to pink and jammy. 41 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,400 ALL SIGH IN RELIEF 42 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:54,000 Which is what you're going to look like after I've reshuffled you. 43 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,360 ALL GASP What?! 44 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,560 You can't move me! Is there no justice?! 45 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,160 Hmm... 46 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:03,760 DOOR OPENS 47 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,360 Ah, William! Wasn't it super about the tennis? 48 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,400 I'm just writing a note to Emma Raducanu. 49 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,360 Don't forget you're the Queen of Canada too, Grandmama. 50 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,720 You'll have to commiserate with Leylah Fernandez. 51 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:15,760 Of course. 52 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,240 I take my duties as Queen of the Commonwealth very seriously indeed. 53 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,480 Excellent. So, what have you written to Emma? 54 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:26,160 "Dear Emma. Jolly well done on beating that dreadful Canadian. 55 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,120 "God, I hate Canada. 56 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,480 "Freezing bloody cold the whole time and full of mooses 57 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:35,120 "and stupid bloody Mounties wearing ridiculous hats. 58 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:39,040 "Half the bloody country speak French. What's that all about? 59 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,480 "But I digress. 60 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,240 "Well done again on your splendid victory 61 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:47,320 "and, in conclusion, I hope I never have to go to Canada again." 62 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,040 Hmm. And what are you going to say to Leylah? 63 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:54,320 How about, "Well played. Now fuck off back to Moose-Land."? 64 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,120 Mr President, welcome to our secret UFO facility. 65 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,920 But I thought the big report 66 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,440 said there was nothing to that malarkey about Area 51. 67 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,760 There isn't, sir. This is Area 52. 68 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,480 Ooh! I should warn you. 69 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,840 You're about to see an object 70 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,520 that will cause you to rethink our place in the universe 71 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,560 and shudder for the fate of humanity. 72 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:22,560 A haemorrhoid suppository that actually works? 73 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,720 Hot damn! 74 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,800 No, sir. An alien spacecraft! 75 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,000 Ooh! 76 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,680 ETHEREAL MUSIC 77 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,960 Whoa! Looks like a suppository. 78 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,320 It's not. 79 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,160 So, how does this alien spaceship work? 80 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,200 All we know is that these aliens have design taste 81 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,560 far beyond even our most advanced gay couples. 82 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:52,160 Well, my dad sold cars. Inside, they're all the same. 83 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,840 Now, what does this yankamajigger do? 84 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,720 GASPS My God, you've activated it! 85 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,920 I'm detecting an incredibly advanced fusion drive signature. 86 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,160 I'll tell you what's advanced. The lumbar support on this sofa. 87 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,400 ALARM 88 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:10,840 Who has activated the master lounge pod viewer 89 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,680 in our long lost spacecraft? 90 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:16,120 Hey, it's me, Joe from Scranton, US of A, Planet Earth. 91 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,480 Say, how about you get your ass down here so we can chew the fat? 92 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,880 We do not risk our asses on inter-dimensional travel. 93 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,360 We leave them at home. 94 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,720 Expect our arrival in five glip-glerps. 95 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,240 Make it six glip-glerps. I need to take a nap. 96 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,880 Now, does this thing have auto-massage? 97 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,280 Yeah! 98 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:39,160 Wow, even we didn't know it did that. 99 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:42,160 See you, Donkey! 100 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,800 Alec! I thought we changed the locks? 101 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,000 I bit through them. 102 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,080 As the true voice of Scottish independence, 103 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,560 I'm here to tell you time's up. 104 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,160 But I'm loved by the Scottish people! 105 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,080 WINDOW SMASHES, THUMP 106 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,960 See? More fan mail! 107 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,000 GASPS 108 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,000 Er... maybe I have had a good run. 109 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,480 But who could be my successor? 110 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,440 What about me? I'm not just a pretty face. 111 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,480 Who wants a sleepy cuddle? 112 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,920 Hnh! Och! 113 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,360 No, I want to hand over to a female. 114 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,920 Thanks to your legislation, I can now self-identify as a woman. 115 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,960 Er... well, I think we need someone younger. 116 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,280 SUCKS TEETH I look peng, G! 117 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,600 OK, I'll be honest. We need someone Scottish 118 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,200 who can tell appalling lies with a straight face. 119 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,960 My ears are burning! 120 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960 Not you! Argh! 121 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:32,200 No. Our candidate has to be able to handle being in hot water, 122 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,000 a thick skin, and be Scottish through and through... 123 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,400 Sounds like you need a haggis! 124 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,080 I think you'll find that, unlike that guy, 125 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,680 I'm a far more palatable bag of guts. 126 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,160 Hmm... 127 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,560 Oh, don't do that. Argh! 128 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:51,920 Alec! You've sabotaged independence again by eating our new leader! 129 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:53,640 BELCHES 130 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,840 President Biden, we came here to meet humanity. 131 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:02,280 Is this your supreme planetary congress? 132 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,880 If you wanna meet Sammy Six-Pack and Sarah Side Salad, 133 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,720 you go to a local eatery. 134 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,720 Joe-creature, we wish to offer you 135 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,400 the blessings of our advanced civilisation. 136 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,480 What can you offer in exchange? 137 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,560 Um, we got... 138 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,640 Hmm. Amtrak. 139 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,920 Uh... sand. 140 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,120 Three Dakotas: North, South, and Fanning. 141 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,720 Hard pass. 142 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,960 If you have nothing to offer us, 143 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,880 we will take our technology to Planet Dagon. 144 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,440 Well, as long as it ain't China. 145 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,400 They've already stolen it. 146 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,640 All right, let's split up the bill. 147 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:40,640 Which one of you daredevils chowed down 50 triple-battered taco locos? 148 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,080 It was Zolaprax the All-Eating. 149 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,640 Oh, buddy, you're gonna be a little gassy tonight. 150 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,920 I already am. HISSES 151 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,000 Piers Morgan here. 152 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:56,040 I want to join Britain in congratulating Emma Raducanu... 153 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,440 for listening to me! 154 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,760 When she threw in the towel at Wimbledon, like a snowflake, 155 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:04,040 I said to her, "Loser! Toughen up!" 156 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,240 Which is exactly what she did at the US Open. 157 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,080 So her victory is all thanks to me, Piers Morgan. 158 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,840 British tennis, you are welcome! 159 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,400 Ooh! 160 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,760 Still, advantage Morgan. 161 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:19,880 GRUNTS 162 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:28,040 OK, folks, my space buddies and I have a deal 163 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,600 to solve all the world's problems. 164 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,040 All we need is a buy-in 165 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,400 from Congresswomen Pelosi and AOC on the left, 166 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,440 and Senator Mitch McConnell on the right. 167 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,040 Let's hear what these aliens have to say. 168 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,240 Excuse me, it's inappropriate to call them aliens. 169 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:48,920 I suggest "Pre-Documented Non-Terrestrial Dream-Creatures." 170 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,960 We bring you the technology to cure all disease. 171 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,320 That sounds like free universal health care! 172 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:56,360 Socialism! 173 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,600 We know how to eliminate economic inequities 174 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,880 and racial disharmony. 175 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,040 Then we'll have nothing to run on! 176 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,000 We can end your climate crisis with clean energy. 177 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,960 That'd be a Democrat win. 178 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,080 With our advanced civilisation, 179 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,720 you won't need Democrats or Republicans. 180 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,200 Or government at all. 181 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,040 ALL: No government? Are you crazy? 182 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,600 Ugh! It just gets worse and worse. 183 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,600 This planet is ridiculous. 184 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,080 We will find someone else who can negotiate a deal. 185 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,840 Activate matter transporter! 186 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,840 By which we mean walking. 187 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,600 MCCONNELL: That was a close call. 188 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,960 We almost solved the country's problems. 189 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,800 Oh, hi, it's me, Rudy Giuliani. 190 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,520 Thanks for paying 400 bucks to do this Cameo call, 191 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,560 so I can... CLEARS THROAT 192 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,920 ..wish happy birthday to your mom. 193 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,640 You know, I was Mayor of New York on September 11th. 194 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,640 In fact, Queen Elizabeth once told me... 195 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,920 BAD IMPRESSION OF QUEEN: "Oh, Mayor Rudy, you're so strong and handsome. 196 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,360 "I dub you Sir Sexy of Awesome. 197 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,400 "I love your dark, youthful hair. 198 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,160 "Ooh!" 199 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,840 Whoa, that got me hot. 200 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,480 Anyway, happy birthday to, uh... 201 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,840 Oh, Jesus, I can't read this. 202 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,440 All right, I need that 400 bucks yesterday! 203 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,080 And I'm not disbarred! 204 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,120 PHONE RINGS 205 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,880 Uh-oh, that's my butt phone, I better take this. 206 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,600 FARTS 207 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,920 So, I'll pick you up later, Greta, yeah? 208 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,760 And we can watch Ross Kemp's Ultimate Bastards on BritBox. 209 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,120 But, Lee, I'm going to university now, 210 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:44,200 so I'm breaking up with you. And you're moving on too. 211 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,640 How's that, then? 212 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,320 Well, now you are doing plastering as well as roofing. 213 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:54,160 You are going from outside people's houses to inside their houses. 214 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:58,000 I suppose I'll be warmer. And a bit nearer the kettle. 215 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,440 Besides, you'd be bored watching me giving inspiring speeches, 216 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:06,640 doing selfies and arguing over who used all the oat milk. 217 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,760 SNIFFS 218 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,160 All right, Greta. I'll never forget you. 219 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,720 I've kept the sign we made for that climate change rally. 220 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,800 And I have kept the sign we made for West Ham versus Man U. 221 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,640 SNIFFS Yeah, it's a good one, that. 222 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,200 Madame Patel, let us come to an entente cordiale 223 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,360 about zese immigrants crossing ze Channel in zeir little boats. 224 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,720 I've got an entente for you, Macron, you garlic-stinkin' frog. 225 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:35,760 You keep 'em. 226 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,040 You are unusually diplomatic today. 227 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,600 You should take zese immigrants. Zey seek a better life in Britain, 228 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,840 ze land of Shakespeare and Joe Wicks. 229 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,920 Burpees! Not now, Joe Wicks! 230 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,360 JOE WAILS, THUMP 231 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,040 If you love migrants so much, why don't you keep 'em, 232 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,960 you horse-eatin' weirdo? 233 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,960 I know you have a softer side. 234 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,920 Perhaps I could butter it. 235 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,240 SLURPS 236 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:05,160 Urgh! Put that thing away, you pantin' Parisian perv. 237 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,960 You tell 'im, darling. You've taken back control. 238 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,840 And by the way, Marcel, these are chips, not French fries! 239 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,840 And stop slagging off our British vaccines, 240 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,320 you granny-shagger! 241 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,160 Enough blather from your seaside cuisine! 242 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:24,800 Stop turning boats back, or zere will be an international incident! 243 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:25,960 Fine. 244 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,960 The next person I send across the Channel won't be a migrant. 245 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,160 Ketchup! Ze enemy of fine cuisine! 246 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,000 Urgh! SPLASH 247 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,600 Yeah! Go on! Get lost. Bugger off! 248 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,360 Yeah, back to Frogland! 249 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,160 ANNOUNCER: 250 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,240 Hi, I'm Josh, I'm captain of the lacrosse team. 251 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,480 I am Greta... FEEDBACK 252 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,800 ..the spokesperson for our generation. 253 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,960 Oh, I thought she was. 254 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,840 Greta Thunberg. Malala! 255 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,640 I think you'll find I am the spokesperson for our generation. 256 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,200 We don't need another, 257 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,800 particularly one who wears her hair in such kiddy pigtails. 258 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,360 Right, guys? 259 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,480 LAUGHTER GASPING: No! 260 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,200 LAUGHTER REVERBERATES 261 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:17,000 I think you're forgetting something. THEY GASP 262 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,280 Greta won the 2019 Ambassador of Conscience Award. 263 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,760 THEY GASP Wow! Oh, wow! 264 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:26,040 Oh, no, I'm such a loser. I only got this... 265 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,720 GRETA GASPS ..Nobel Peace Prize. 266 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,800 CHEERING 267 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,680 You'll never win, Greta. 268 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,120 GRETA SOBS 269 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:37,280 Come on, Greta, let's get you home. You can make me tea if you like. 270 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,680 I quite fancy tofu and chips. 271 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:43,360 You're right, Lee, I should never have come away to uni. 272 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,920 I was so much happier 273 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,640 watching Danny Dyer's Ultimate Bollock-Kicks with you. 274 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,680 DOOR OPENS Sorry I'm late, everybods! 275 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,040 This is politics and economics, right? 276 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:54,400 BOTH GASP BOTH: Harry Styles?! 277 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,840 I want to get stuck into something really serious 278 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,440 after my gap career in One Direction. 279 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,400 Maybe I will stay a little longer. 280 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,240 What?! GRANGE HILL STYLE MUSIC 281 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,880 Donald Trump, you are the true leader of this country, 282 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,400 according to Rudy Giuliani and the My Pillow guy. 283 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:19,480 We offer you the chance to end homelessness, hunger, and war. 284 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,760 Boring! Talk to me about important problems. 285 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,400 Can you make a voting machine that always makes me the winner? 286 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:29,080 This is ridiculous. Let us return to our home world. 287 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:34,600 Yes, I long for its green rolling hills and abundant water views. 288 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,440 Sounds like the perfect place for a golf resort, 289 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,560 and I'd be a great ruler for your planet. 290 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,640 We could definitely use some tourist business. 291 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,680 OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC 292 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,000 Your Highness, you have bankrupted our planet 293 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,000 with the wall you've built around it. 294 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,840 Uh-oh! I'm gonna need a distraction. 295 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,560 Have you guys invented Twitter yet? 296 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,160 Yes, but you've been banned from it. 297 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,400 ZAP Oh! 298 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,280 Bring me another space chalupa. 299 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,080 GRUNTS ROBOTICALLY 300 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:10,520 DAVID LAUGHS, ELTON HUMS 301 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,280 What did you think of my script, Elton? 302 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,120 You and me doing the garden, 303 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,960 you and me going to a school parents evening, 304 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,360 you and me separating the rubbish 305 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,520 and taking it down to the recycling centre... 306 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,320 DAVID YELPS I hate it! 307 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,000 It's completely bloody boring! 308 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,800 But that's our life, that's what happened after Rocketman 1. 309 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,960 The second-act climax is me falling asleep in front of the telly! 310 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,840 DAVID GIGGLES Oh, that was so funny! 311 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,120 You dribbled. No, it wasn't. 312 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,400 It's not my fault I can't keep my mouth closed. 313 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,600 You know I suffer from fat tongue. 314 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,720 Oh, I love you and the life we have together... Blah, blah, blah. 315 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,640 It's just, if we're going to do a sequel, 316 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,960 we'll need to jazz it up for the audience. Just a bit! 317 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,000 But it'll still have emotional truth? 318 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,040 Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. 319 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,520 Then we better go and do some research, jazz up our lives. 320 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,280 How about going to a party 321 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,880 over at Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly's place? 322 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,520 Have you booked a cab? HE CHORTLES 323 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,440 DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here at the CERN institute, 324 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:07,240 the Large Hadron Collider smashes protons together 325 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,200 at close to the speed of light 326 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,600 to find the very building blocks of life. 327 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:13,840 And here they are. 328 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,080 Oh, hello. Gosh, only me. 329 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:21,120 Olivia Colman, what are you doing inside subatomic particles? 330 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,640 Oh, I'm in everything! SHE SNORTS 331 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:24,920 She's right, you know. 332 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,840 THEY SNORT 333 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,440 Absolutely everything. 334 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:33,880 What a fab night! I haven't had so much fun in ages. 335 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,760 It was horrible. All that loud music... 336 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:40,360 I liked the music, and Machine Gun was such a cutie. 337 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,680 No, he wasn't! 338 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,520 When I asked him who his favourite Gardeners' World presenter is, 339 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:45,960 he just walked off! 340 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,440 So, this morning, 341 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,920 shall we look at houses near schools with outstanding Ofsted ratings? 342 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,040 Now you're talking. 343 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,720 And we should check out those fabric swatches you had. Ooh! 344 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,160 THEY GIGGLE 345 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,920 ROCK PIANO PLAYS 346 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,080 Elton, I've been meaning to talk to you 347 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:02,960 about how to stack the dishwasher. 348 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,920 # I'm still stacking Like the way I always did... # 349 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,640 Mm, mm, mm... 350 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,920 Ooh, tricky. 351 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,240 I swear these IQ tests are getting harder. 352 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,720 Prime Minister, I ordered a monogrammed Taser three weeks ago, 353 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,680 and it still hasn't come. Hang on! 354 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,880 And my toffee apples never arrived! 355 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,960 The ones I brush my hair with. 356 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,000 Nothin' is being delivered 357 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,440 because Britain is short 100,000 truck drivers. 358 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,760 It's a right royal spiff-spaff. 359 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,680 I'll drive your damn truck. 360 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,080 I'll deliver your draught excluders to Grimsby, 361 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,040 your mild Cheddar to Wigan, 362 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,480 and your IKEA Billy bookcases to every goddamn home in this country! 363 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,800 That's jolly good of you, Tom, but why? 364 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,680 Because of my best friend, Goose. 365 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,560 I was expecting a package and it wasn't delivered, 366 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,840 so I had to go to the post office to pick it up. 367 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,160 And while I was gone, Goose got ejected from a cockpit and killed. 368 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,840 I think that was actually a movie. 369 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,080 Damn it, I know when something's real! 370 00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,920 I'm a Scientologist! 371 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,360 DRAMATIC MUSIC 372 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,160 CAR HORNS BLARE 373 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,360 I got this! M6 to Coventry! 374 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,400 Nuneaton roundabout! 375 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,520 Left... Stay left! 376 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,240 TYRES SCREECH, CRASH 377 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,920 I'm sorry, Goose! 378 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,560 Thank you for coming, Marcus. Isotonic energy drink? 379 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:32,080 Red Wall... gives you left wings. Thanks. 380 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,960 Oh, my Red Wall seems to have turned blue. 381 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,760 Anyway, our focus groups have suggested 382 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,000 that I have a tendency towards verbosity 383 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,160 that can render my communication unintentionally opaque. 384 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,800 You mean you talk too much? 385 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,080 That is not insubstantially incorrect. 386 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:51,240 Whereas you, Marcus, have a refreshing brevity, 387 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,720 a resplendent pithiness that I... SNORING 388 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,320 Marcus? Man on! 389 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,200 Sorry. So, I wonder if you would mind telling me 390 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,240 how you would present a policy idea about tackling child hunger. 391 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,800 Feed the hungry kids? 392 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,280 It's simple, it's clear, 393 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,960 it obeys the rules of Aristotelian oratory. 394 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,400 I'll try it! 395 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,680 And with the help of my friend Marcus Rashford here, 396 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,360 I present our new campaign. 397 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,200 HE READS NAME 398 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,400 ..to benefit their sustenance and growth... 399 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,040 CONTINUES READING 400 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,280 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 401 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,880 Nailed, eh, Marcus? MARCUS SNORES 402 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,280 Offside! 403 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,120 Look, Noah! 404 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,840 Our vintage, locally-sourced board game has arrived! 405 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,760 DANCE MUSIC, GOVE GRUNTS IN TIME WITH BEAT 406 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,280 Freshers, freshers, what is go on? 407 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,400 Who are you? 408 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,720 I'm Michael Gove, but you can call me the Minister of Sound. 409 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,680 HE GRUNTS TO BEAT 410 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,880 Sir, do you need medical help? 411 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,640 No, I'm bringing the good news. 412 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,720 We got rid of vaccine passports. 413 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,200 You don't need them to get into nightclubs any more. 414 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,520 What's a nightclub? What's a nightclub?! 415 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:13,280 It's a place for recently-single men to dance and find connections. 416 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,360 HE GRUNTS 417 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:15,920 Yeah, I think we'll stay in 418 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:19,280 and play a gender-neutral, non-competitive board game. 419 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,080 Erm, Humane Mouse Trap! 420 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,760 Well, whatever young people do, I'm in. 421 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:29,720 Yay, we caught the mouse - as a team! 422 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:31,920 I thought Mouse Trap was slang for drugs. 423 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,120 MUSIC RESUMES, HE MUMBLES DISCONTENTEDLY 424 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:40,640 Now, listen, I think apologising is the right thing for you to do, 425 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,200 given the circumstances. 426 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:46,240 Elements of the public are upset, and we have to be alive to that. 427 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,600 Can't blame me, I'm just a football! 428 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,240 Yes, but you didn't go in the net, 429 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,360 and you've got to take responsibility for that. 430 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:55,640 I said sorry for missing a penalty, and the country's forgiven me. 431 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,720 Apart from a small misguided minority on Twitter 432 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,280 who like to call me a big-nosed twat. 433 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,520 OK, OK, I'll apologise. 434 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,960 Good. You've got a shot at the World Cup, 435 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,880 you don't want to be cancelled. 436 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,480 But you'll have to write it for me. 437 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,600 Er, why? Haven't got any hands! 438 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,000 Glad to help. 439 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,800 Now, you need to apologise 440 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,080 for getting in the way of Rashford's penalty kick. 441 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,200 Oh, bugger off, you big-nosed twat! 442 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,400 Kia Ora, good people of New Zealand. 443 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:24,720 We have had another single case of the deadly COVID, 444 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:28,800 so Nanny has no choice but to impose a full lockdown. 445 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,360 But, Prime Minister Ardern, 446 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,840 New Zealand can't keep doing this forever! 447 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,920 You must learn to be strong, my child. 448 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:39,120 BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC 449 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:43,480 # Close every border 450 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:47,720 # Lock every door 451 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:53,280 # Shut every airport 452 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:57,640 # A guard on every shore 453 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:03,000 # No more interaction 454 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:07,600 # Stay off the street 455 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:12,360 # Hide inside your basement 456 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:17,000 # Staring at your feet 457 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:23,240 # New Zealand is going to Stay COVID-free 458 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,640 # And all because of 459 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:30,920 # Wonderful, sensible me 460 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:37,960 # If you get COVID 461 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:42,840 # Into a bag you'll go 462 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:48,320 # No-one gets in the country 463 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:55,320 # Unless it's Jeff Bezos. # 464 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,560 Good evening, I'm Prince Andrew. 465 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,160 The producers of Spitting Image have invited me 466 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,320 to address the so-called court case in New York. 467 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,240 I would have been perfectly happy to cooperate there, 468 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,800 but I was not served the papers in the correct legal fashion. 469 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,560 If protocol is not followed, 470 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,240 then the law says I have no charge to answer 471 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,360 and I should not be hit with a piece of wood. 472 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,200 SICKENING THUD, ANDREW GROANS 473 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,880 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 474 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,320 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 475 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,480 # Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh 476 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,200 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 477 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,960 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 478 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,360 # Ah-ah-ah-ah 479 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,680 # Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah 480 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,200 # Oh-ah! # 481 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,240 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com